Order of Man - Dealing With Toxic In-laws, Avoiding Burnout Fatigue, and Staying Together for the Kids ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:05.940 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.320 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.320 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.480 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.940 Kip, what's up, man? So great to see you from France.

00:00:27.320 You're still in France, right?

00:00:28.240 Yeah, I'll be here until August.

00:00:31.500 It's too long, man.

00:00:33.380 I know. It's a little...

00:00:35.460 We're going on like a week and a half. I'm like,

00:00:37.560 I'm kind of... Maybe I'm ready to get home to my yard that's going to be destroyed and green,

00:00:43.500 like brown, and I don't know. Who knows what's happening.

00:00:46.100 Bro, just be present. All right? Just be present with your wife and your kids.

00:00:50.100 Like, stop thinking about... No, I'd be the same way.

00:00:52.480 Somebody asked me the other day about vacations.

00:00:55.140 They're like, do you like taking vacations?

00:00:56.400 I'm like, yeah, for about three and a half days.

00:00:58.940 Yeah.

00:00:59.520 And then once I hit three and a half days, I'm like, tap. I tap. I'm out.

00:01:03.080 I got to get back. I got work. I got things. I got a garden. I got this. I got that. Like,

00:01:07.100 I want to go back.

00:01:08.700 Yeah. Although I know that's not necessarily true because when Mr. Mickler goes over to Hawaii,

00:01:14.340 all of a sudden he's like, well, you know what? Maybe I'll... I can throw in two weeks.

00:01:19.060 All right. But that's different. Okay. So let's get the nomenclature right here. Let's get the

00:01:23.860 verbiage right. We were talking about vacations. I didn't say anything about hunting because hunting

00:01:31.140 is different. That's a different category. All right? So let's be very clear on that because

00:01:36.200 look, but honestly, what's the difference between vacationing and hunting?

00:01:41.820 Well, hunting, you're still being productive. You're still doing something difficult. You're,

00:01:45.540 yeah, exactly. So that's a different category. All right. So I'll take as long as I need to go

00:01:51.820 hunt for sure. I love it. Hey, what happened to the eye, man? You get popped in the, uh,

00:01:56.640 get popped in the eye there. A little bloodshot.

00:01:58.600 Yeah. Yeah. I got like, I don't know. Can you see it? You probably see it if I turn that way.

00:02:02.920 Yeah. That's pretty good. Um, I'd like to say I had a good story. That's a decent story. I mean,

00:02:09.020 it's not whatever. I was playing at the pool and me and Otto were wrestling and I took a straight

00:02:14.140 elbow to the eye and you know, this is the result. So we were laughing and having a good time. I didn't

00:02:19.740 even know what happened, but my oldest son was like, what happened to your eye? I'm like, I don't know

00:02:24.080 what happened to it. What do you tell me? You're looking at it. And he's like, it's like you broke

00:02:29.940 a blood vessel. I'm like, okay. So I came back and I'm like, Oh, it looks pretty rad. Uh, but yeah,

00:02:34.340 me and me and my youngest were, were wrestling in the pool the other day and he elbowed me and I was

00:02:40.080 proud. And this is the result. Yeah. I love it. And you got some new digs or upgrades, upgrades to the

00:02:47.740 digs in the, in the house. Yeah. Yeah. So same place. A lot of, a lot of people might ask like in my

00:02:52.920 different, different studio or whatever. No, this is the same place. I just put up the wall here.

00:02:57.440 Uh, and I actually, I'm glad you brought that up because there's an important lesson here.

00:03:01.360 A lot of guys, especially when it comes to the podcast, we'll ask, maybe they won't ask,

00:03:06.980 but what their concern is, is that everything isn't perfect set up exactly the way that you want it.

00:03:11.800 Yeah. And what I would say, not just with podcasting, but with life in general is just launch. You just

00:03:17.800 launch and then you figure it out along the way and you upgrade. So yeah, just put the wall up.

00:03:22.920 You can see there's a little gap right there. A little white. I see. I want to have pointed 0.96

00:03:26.980 that out. I think I, you can't even tell. I can see it. Okay. And that's going to bother

00:03:31.800 the hell out of me right there. So there's a little white gap. So I'm actually, I'm actually

00:03:37.320 going to tear this whole thing down. You have to paint behind it first and then put that wood.

00:03:41.900 I don't know if I'm going to paint necessarily, or just put some sort of a little backdrop. So

00:03:45.920 it's black or, or Brown or something, something. So you can't see that. Um, cause it's important.

00:03:51.580 The little details are important, but the reason I wanted to share this is because guys,

00:03:56.140 you can build the plane as you go, right. As, as the saying goes, and you should do that.

00:04:02.040 I mean, we hear from a lot of guys who are like, yeah, you know, I'd like to go to the

00:04:05.080 gym, but I'm not in shape. Come on, man. Like that's the point. That's why you're going to

00:04:11.560 the gym to get in shape. So yeah, you're 50, 60, 70 pounds overweight. I'm not going to say

00:04:16.240 it's okay. It's not okay, but it is what it is. So let's start working towards it,

00:04:22.240 you know, or in the relationship. Um, and, and they're worried about what's, what's going

00:04:28.300 on in their relationship. It's like, just start, just do something a little bit differently,

00:04:33.380 knowing that you can evolve and grow and build. So the studio, the podcast studio backdrop is going

00:04:38.960 to improve. Uh, I just bought a brand new camera. Cause I want to increase the quality of,

00:04:43.840 of what we're doing here. Um, I, I bought this little like screen. So you can see if I'm looking

00:04:49.700 at you right now, Kip, I'm actually, my eyes aren't on the camera. So if I look at the camera,

00:04:54.400 which you guys can see right now, I'm not actually looking at you. So I just bought this screen up

00:05:01.260 there. Yeah. Yeah. Where I can look at you, but it's also the camera. Like there's little things

00:05:05.980 that I can improve the quality and what we're doing. And I will over time, but I'm never going to let

00:05:10.860 that little stuff of it not being perfect. Keep me from launching. And that's what so many guys have

00:05:16.860 an issue with is their inability to launch because they think it just has to be perfect

00:05:21.520 right out of the gate. And look, I've shown people my podcast. Like if you guys saw my podcast studio,

00:05:28.480 you might unsubscribe my podcast studio because of the situation in my life right now

00:05:34.780 is literally my bedroom. My bed's right there. It's not made. I've got two loads of laundry

00:05:41.280 sitting on my bed that I got to do. I've got a bunch of, I just hung up a TV, but the cord's not,

00:05:45.940 you know, in, I got my, my, uh, my, my gun safe over there. I've got an air gun right here. Like

00:05:52.240 my closet's a fricking mess. Like you might unsubscribe if you saw my podcast studio, but there's a lesson

00:05:58.360 there. And that is that we're building a multi six figure business. And not only that, but a

00:06:05.040 movement that impacts literally hundreds, if not millions, hundreds of thousands, if not millions

00:06:10.040 of men in a fricking bedroom. Yeah. So what excuse we have to not launch and not work and not improve

00:06:19.140 along the way? Well, and, and I think a lot of the time too, Ryan is we end up setting ourselves up

00:06:26.040 for our expectations to not be met anyway, right? Like whenever you have high expectations of it

00:06:33.600 needing to be quote unquote, perfect or whatever, and it's stopping you from launch, even if you get

00:06:38.780 those things done, the unknown will happen. Other things will occur. And your expectations are just

00:06:44.880 going to be all over the place because, and you're going to be upset because it didn't go exactly as

00:06:50.340 planned. And it's like, man, you know, a lot of that just sets you up for failure. Even if you get

00:06:55.920 past the hurdle of quote unquote, setting it up all right. I'll share a personal story along those

00:07:02.360 lines that I don't, I really don't want to share, but it's important. I share this when my ex-wife

00:07:07.980 and I were in the midst of our discussions about separation and divorce, not even separation,

00:07:14.300 just divorce. We were in Maine at the time. And she said, she's going to, look, people are going

00:07:20.400 to rush to conclusions and jump to conclusions based on limited information. So you have limited

00:07:25.860 information. I just want you to know that you've limited information about the situation. Okay. So

00:07:29.620 you don't need to rush to conclusions about my scenario. Yeah. But let me tell you, she said,

00:07:34.260 Hey, I'm thinking about moving out. And I said, don't move out, stay here. Cause her and I were

00:07:39.420 planning on moving back to Utah because I think that was probably logistically good for us, but also

00:07:45.420 really good for our children because of her family and friends and the support system for our children.

00:07:50.360 That was really important to me. And she said, I'm thinking about moving out or I'd like you to move

00:07:54.260 out. I'm like, well, I'm not going to move out. And I don't want you to move out. Like you have a

00:07:57.400 beautiful home here. Let me, you, you take this bedroom. I'll go to this bedroom over here.

00:08:04.840 So again, I don't want to have this conversation. Guys are going to rush to conclusions,

00:08:08.020 but I moved out, out of the bedroom and I moved into a spare bedroom that we had in the house.

00:08:13.200 And at the time I walked like the first night that I was in that room was rough,

00:08:20.460 but I took a picture because I knew even in that moment of hardship and heartache and sorrow and

00:08:28.440 regret that it wouldn't always be the case. Like I knew a hundred percent with a hundred percent

00:08:34.520 certainty that in the depths of despair, which I was at the moment that it will get better.

00:08:39.300 And I'll post this up for you guys in the next couple of weeks. But I took that picture because

00:08:44.120 I knew there would be a before and after. And I knew that that would be the before and the after

00:08:48.780 is what you're seeing right now. And I've got this beautiful home and we're building out the podcast

00:08:53.080 studio and my kids and I are engaged and we're rebuilding life in a different way that I didn't

00:08:59.620 anticipate. And I never expected, and I would never wish on anybody. But I say that because I want

00:09:05.660 guys to know that wherever you are, it's going to change. So if you're at the bottom of the pit,

00:09:10.420 it's going to change. It's going to get better. If you're at the peak of the mountain, it's going

00:09:17.000 to change and it's going to get worse. And you need to be aware of that. Like you really need to be aware

00:09:22.460 of that. I'll tell you what, before my divorce, I thought I was at the peak of the mountain. And I was,

00:09:28.520 I was at the peak of the mountain. My marriage was good. My relationship with kids, I was hunting,

00:09:32.180 I was making good money. I was building this business. Like everything was awesome. And then

00:09:37.100 one day in a, in a matter of two minutes, everything was not awesome based on a conversation

00:09:45.000 my wife and I had. But leading up to that, I remember thinking, I'm really worried that things

00:09:51.320 are going to get bad because everything's so good right now. Everything is so good. I'm worried

00:09:56.540 something's going to happen, but I couldn't wrap my head around what it might be. Like,

00:10:01.000 is it going to be financial? No, it's not going to be financial. Like I'm good financially. Is

00:10:04.840 it going to be relational? No, my wife and I are good. Like, like what could, maybe a medical thing. 0.79

00:10:10.360 I'm like, I'm healthy. I don't, I don't know. Maybe, I guess I had no idea what it would be,

00:10:14.920 but it hit me. And in, in a, in a matter of two minutes, my life completely changed and, and,

00:10:22.100 you know, I've had to adapt and grow and evolve and, and, and change. And it's been really hard,

00:10:28.420 but it's been good over the past, I would say two, three months. So anyways, a little bit of a

00:10:35.320 ramble there, but, um, I want you to know guys, life is going to change. If you're doing really

00:10:40.160 well, hedge against it because life's going to change. If you're, if you're at the bottom of the

00:10:43.760 barrel, do some different things because life's going to get better if you do. Yeah. This two

00:10:47.900 shot pass, right? Both. Oh yeah. It doesn't matter which way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like it.

00:10:53.640 So we're going to field questions from the iron council, um, to learn more about the iron council,

00:10:59.680 go to order of man.com slash iron council. That's our exclusive brotherhood. Enrollment is currently

00:11:05.500 closed, uh, until next quarter, but stay contact or connected. Yep. Good. I was just going to say

00:11:12.040 you, you can go to that link, uh, and get on the wait list, uh, or I don't like wait lists because I

00:11:18.600 don't want you to sit around and be passive. So if you go to order of man.com slash battle ready,

00:11:22.280 that'll actually get you started down the path. And that way we, when we open up in three or so

00:11:26.960 months, uh, two months at this point, uh, you can, you have already got a leg up ahead of

00:11:34.060 anybody else. And that's what I'd rather you do is like do work now so that when the iron council

00:11:38.880 opens up, man, you're going to be light years ahead of everybody else who, who, who hasn't done that

00:11:43.020 work. Yeah. That's good. Call out. Good call out. All right. Um, we had a couple of questions from

00:11:48.480 last week. If it's okay, we'll, we'll grab those and then we'll jump to the additional ones that

00:11:52.220 we got today. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Let's do it. Okay. All right. Ralph, uh, Rojas. Hi Ryan. My wife

00:11:58.580 keeps making decisions concerning the house and my children behind my back and then tries to play it

00:12:04.420 off. Like it's no big deal. And that I'm a jerk for bringing it up in a bad way. A bad way is

00:12:10.060 basically me being insult, uh, insulted because she didn't talk to me first, not so much what she's

00:12:15.900 doing, but how she's doing it. I feel that she circumvents me as head of the household and plays

00:12:22.080 the victim. When I call her out on not being so straightforward decision making my daughter and

00:12:28.340 her, what seems to be on the same team. Luckily my son sees through that BS and keeps things straight

00:12:35.920 with me. Good thing. I took him to legacy. Maybe we can riff on that. If you'd like hope all as well.

00:12:42.800 This is Raul. Did you say this is Raul? Uh, uh, Ralph. Oh, Ralph. Sorry. Yeah. Um, yeah, I wrote down

00:12:53.620 some things as you were saying that number one perception is reality. So why does she believe 0.69

00:12:59.180 that? Like, why does she believe what she believes about the way you're bringing it up? Like maybe you are

00:13:04.840 being an asshole. I don't know. I actually don't know. I'm, I'm not passing judgment. I don't know, 1.00

00:13:08.560 but I think it's worthy of consideration maybe because I know what I did and I thought like I

00:13:15.520 was just bringing it up assertively and it was brought to my attention that I was not.

00:13:21.440 Yeah. Well, and on that really quick, here's the reality. We're humans. So I would ask Raul

00:13:28.800 that whether you're bringing it up softly or not, do you have a heart at war towards your wife? Yes or

00:13:36.480 no? And the answer is yes, because you just called it this complete bullshit. You called it out. So 1.00

00:13:44.360 she's reading the reality of the situation. Now, yes, you, you were correct about it, but your mindset

00:13:52.280 wasn't. So it doesn't matter. She knows what your mindset is through body language and other means.

00:13:58.600 And she knows you're pissed off about it. Yeah. My, so my good friend, Keith Yacke, he, he's,

00:14:04.640 he's phenomenal. He's been on the podcast and he's got some, um, uh, marriage game is the name of his,

00:14:10.620 his podcast and what he's doing, but he's got some phenomenal advice and he talks a lot about energy.

00:14:14.760 And so the way we could do you and I, Kip could do the exact same thing. We could say this exact

00:14:20.580 same thing. We could do the exact same thing, but our energy is what's different. So my son will say,

00:14:27.160 I'll say to him, you know, whatever. I can't even think of an example right now,

00:14:31.780 but I'll say something to him and he'll respond back. What do you guys say as a dad? It's not what

00:14:37.340 you say. It's how you say it. Yeah. Watch your tone. We've all said that as fathers. It's not what

00:14:43.940 you're saying. It's how you're saying it. It's the same thing in this situation. It's not what

00:14:48.040 you're saying. You're not wrong. She needs to communicate with you on things that are important

00:14:51.840 to you. That's not wrong. The way you're doing it might be, it's the energy. So Keith would say

00:14:58.380 it's the energy behind it. What is your energy? Defensiveness, combativeness, pitting your daughter

00:15:04.460 and her against you and your son. That's crazy versus influence, bro. That's crazy. You're,

00:15:11.300 you're saying, look, I'm, I'm going to be straight up. Like you're saying that you're,

00:15:15.040 you and your daughter are against you and your son. That's crazy. You don't think that's going

00:15:20.760 to create animosity and contention and rifts in the relationship. It's not them versus you. It's us.

00:15:26.460 What's your last name? What's her last name? We're a team, man. I like, I'm saying this from a

00:15:32.800 perspective of things that I wish I would have done better. So I really, I want to be really clear on

00:15:38.100 that, but you're a team. It's not us versus them. Now, should she bring these conversations up to

00:15:45.780 you? I'm not going to get into the should, but if it's important to you, then the answer is yes.

00:15:52.620 And so I think what's really important is the way that we're showing up outside of these

00:15:56.480 circumstances, because that's going to garner influence and credibility with her, which will 0.97

00:16:00.120 allow you to have these kinds of conversations. And then I would really consider how you're saying

00:16:06.100 things and how she's responding. There's a big push in social media. A lot of these men's programs

00:16:13.720 of if she doesn't like, or he doesn't like, or this person doesn't like the way I communicate,

00:16:18.800 then F them and they don't understand. And I'm just being authentic. No, you're not. So many men

00:16:24.700 are hiding behind authenticity and using it as an excuse to be an asshole. So if anybody ever comes 0.99

00:16:31.780 to you and says, Hey, can I be frank with you? No, you can't be frank with me. Cause I know what

00:16:36.840 you're really saying is, can I be an asshole to you? That's probably what's happening is, Hey, 1.00

00:16:43.160 you know, I'm just being my authentic self. No, you're not. You're being a dick

00:16:46.860 and you're shrouding it underneath the label of being authentic. Yeah. 1.00

00:16:50.820 Right. And I don't know. I don't know if that's true or not. I really don't, but I've seen it so

00:16:58.040 often where guys are like, Hey, I'm just being my authentic self. Hey, I'm just being true. Hey,

00:17:02.560 I'm just being honest. If somebody comes to me and says, Hey, can I be blunt? No,

00:17:05.800 I don't want you to be blunt with me. Cause I know you're going to be a dick to me. 1.00

00:17:09.320 I want you to come to me with love and care and compassion and kindness and consideration. I don't 0.99

00:17:13.780 want you to be blunt with me. I mean, you can be honest with me, but you can do that with kindness

00:17:18.540 and compassion. It's kind of like somebody saying, Hey, I don't mean to be offensive,

00:17:22.560 but then, you know, whatever's coming next is offensive. You don't need to be like that.

00:17:27.680 I, this is things I, these are things I really need to focus on. So what I would say, and without

00:17:32.380 knowing your situation is she's feeling a way about the way you're communicating and there might be a

00:17:38.600 different way for you to communicate. I'm not saying what you, what you need is wrong.

00:17:44.360 If you need something, then that's fine. You should communicate it.

00:17:48.260 But if she's hearing it or feeling it in a way that doesn't jive with the way that you mean it,

00:17:53.920 then there's a disconnect and you can change that. So you can be more influential with her.

00:17:58.940 Yeah. And you need to level set on expectations, right? I mean, one person would say, Oh, Hey,

00:18:04.120 she's making decisions about the house and the kids without my intervention because she's taking 1.00

00:18:09.140 initiative. She's being default aggressive and she's helping me out because I'm busy working on what

00:18:13.740 I'm working on. Same person goes, Oh my gosh, that's being done behind my back. It doesn't,

00:18:18.520 doesn't include me. AKA she doesn't care. She doesn't respect me. I mean, there's a lot of story

00:18:24.800 here. And, and, and the point is, is like, man, you got to level set on expectations. And, and I don't

00:18:30.240 know, Ryan, if this sounds extreme, feel free to push back, but it's like, no one owes you anything.

00:18:34.580 And the minute we approach something is like, well, me, I desert. Well, why don't you just ask

00:18:41.600 and level set? Like, Hey, this is important to me. I want to play an active role in regards to

00:18:48.000 the decisions around the house, not to be a dictator, not to command and control anything,

00:18:53.520 but I want, it's important to me. And I want to say in what we're doing and I want to participate in

00:18:58.440 what it's going on. And, and as your husband, my ask is, would you be willing to, to include me more

00:19:04.240 often? And is there things that you want me to include you one, where you feel that I'm going

00:19:09.620 off, off tangent without including you? Am I not giving you the information around finances to

00:19:15.900 create stability and trust in regards to what I'm doing? Like, man, there's a really powerful

00:19:21.500 conversation to be had around partnering together and, and level setting what is important to you

00:19:28.300 and, and, and asking each other, right? If we approach anything, and this goes for work too,

00:19:35.120 by the way, for, you know, those in a work environment, if we approach anything from the

00:19:39.580 space of authority over influence, the probability is you're in the wrong because you're saying, well,

00:19:46.480 due to my authority, I just, no, man, just influence people and, and ask, you know, you,

00:19:54.140 you don't have to pull out the, uh, you know, the authority card to get what you want. And if you

00:19:59.000 are, then you're, it's, it's out of command and control and it may not be ideal.

00:20:03.540 Yeah. Yeah. Well said. I had a conversation with somebody the other day and that's all the details

00:20:08.520 I can give you, but they had said, awesome. Just joking. They had said that they had expressed

00:20:17.380 some viewpoints and some perception about the way that I was communicating and they were wrong

00:20:23.380 based on my intent, but they were accurate in the way they received it. Cause I don't know how

00:20:28.460 they receive it. And so this individual explained something to me and, and, uh, I said, that's,

00:20:34.780 I'm sorry. That's not the way I meant it. Here's how I meant it. That's it. Problem resolved.

00:20:40.480 I will be more conscious of the way that I communicate it so that you receive it in a,

00:20:45.800 in a better way. And now, you know what my initial intent was. And so we're good.

00:20:51.160 Yeah. Communication is, is so amazing. Yeah. And I would say here also pick your battles.

00:20:57.720 Like if she's deciding what color throw pillows she wants on the couch, I don't give a shit. 0.99

00:21:02.400 Neither should you. Yeah. Now, now she's deciding if she wants to do a remodel in the kitchen, 1.00

00:21:08.480 it's going to cost you 150 grand. That might be a decision worthy of, you know, discussing.

00:21:13.620 Yeah. Not everything needs to be a battle and some things, you know, you might have green throw

00:21:19.320 pillows when blue would look better, but you know what, deal with the green, just pick your battles

00:21:23.640 and know thyself. Right. Why do I want to get involved on the throw pillows? What, what is it?

00:21:30.140 What is it that I'm, Oh, I'm seeking validation, you know? So just be mindful of where you're at.

00:21:37.360 Guys, I'll say like, I gotta say this. These podcasts are really therapeutic for me because

00:21:44.820 this is all advice I need to hear. And it's way easier for me to give you advice than it is for

00:21:50.780 me to listen to my own. So I just want to know, I want you to know, like, as I'm listening, like,

00:21:55.180 yeah, I shouldn't worry about the throw pillows actually. So.

00:21:57.560 All right. Well, I need to communicate with Asia more around finance. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Trust 0.77

00:22:04.600 me. It was in the back of my head. I was like, all right. Simon trainer, Ryan, I have recently

00:22:10.880 joined the IC to take my life to the next level. Excellent. I've been sharing my journey with my

00:22:15.900 teenage son who is 15 years old. He has inspired an inspiration to me and is definitely more focused

00:22:22.760 and disciplined than I am in many ways. Are there any resources available or is there a

00:22:27.540 teenage version of the battle planner that could, that you would recommend? It would be amazing if

00:22:32.640 you could use similar systems to reach our goals and accountable to each other.

00:22:37.580 I mean, we had, we had something and look, here's what I'm going to say actually is you don't need a

00:22:43.840 teenage version. Do your version, do the adult version. I was going to say, yeah, buying the battle

00:22:48.720 planner, right? Do it together. Sit down. Like that's awesome. By the way, 15 year olds are amazing.

00:22:54.280 And they're also assholes. I don't know if I should say that. Cause I have a 15 year old, 1.00

00:22:58.380 you might listen. No, they're awesome. He's too much of an asshole to listen. Yeah.

00:23:04.320 No, 15 year olds are awesome. I mean, look, you know, yeah, they're rebellious and they're trying

00:23:09.900 to push the bounds and they're trying to figure out their place in the world and trying to gain

00:23:13.740 some independence. And, you know, they act just like we do as fathers. And so it's hard at times,

00:23:19.140 but it's also awesome. It's natural. It's good. Uh, I don't, I don't think you need it for a 15

00:23:24.340 year old. I don't think you need to, you need a kid's version. You need to show them your battle

00:23:28.260 plan. You need to pull up the videos that we have for that. You need to show them what's going on in

00:23:31.600 the iron council and you need to buy him one and sit down with him and help him work through his

00:23:36.700 things. But he's mature enough that he can go through that and it won't be an issue. Now, what you

00:23:41.340 guys do is your objectives in each of the four quadrants. And if you don't know what we're talking

00:23:44.900 about, you can go to order a man.com slash battle ready. It's a good plug right there.

00:23:49.320 You can learn more about what we're doing, but you need to sit down with him and go through each

00:23:53.260 of the four quadrants. Yours might be a little bit more sophisticated than his, but that doesn't

00:23:58.420 mean that his are unnecessary or the planning doesn't work. It certainly does. So I don't think

00:24:03.920 you need a new system. I think you need, you have one, you know, it sit down with him every Monday

00:24:08.540 night or every Tuesday nights, like me and dad, we go through this planning stuff. I think he'd be all

00:24:13.520 about that based on what I'm hearing you say. So, and so good for you too, right? One of the best

00:24:18.840 ways to concrete in information, right? And knowledge is instructing others, right? And so

00:24:25.280 it would really help you too, to be able to down simplify it a little bit, right? For the pitching

00:24:31.860 role or make it relatable to what's important in his life. So I think it's a good call. Yeah. Love it.

00:24:38.080 All right. David Dahl, what are your takes on staying together for the kids? Is it better to

00:24:47.480 exhaust all options and try to make the relationship work in order to allow your children a single roof

00:24:52.700 over their heads? Does there come a time when you as a parent have to put happiness first in order to

00:25:01.140 be the best parent you can be for your children? Love what you guys are doing. Thank you in advance.

00:25:06.000 These are some tough questions today, by the way. I stalled at the same place you did on that

00:25:11.260 question. I saw these questions and you stalled at, is it better for happiness? No, you don't have to

00:25:15.760 be sorry. You said, is it better for happiness? I actually stalled there too, because happiness

00:25:20.700 really isn't the goal. And those are choices that we can make. What were you thinking when you heard

00:25:24.800 that or you saw that? Well, it's funny how we see this all the time, right? That's the number one

00:25:31.780 excuse or not. And I shouldn't say excuse. It's the number one, probably justified reason for divorce

00:25:38.060 without a doubt is we're unhappy. We're fighting all the time. And, and then we follow that up with,

00:25:46.580 well, what's better have an environment where they have both parents that are bickering and 0.94

00:25:51.100 fighting all the time, or to have both parents that are blissfully happy, you know, in separate

00:25:57.200 homes. And, and it's funny, it's like, oh, it's that or that, or it's like, or resolve whatever

00:26:03.660 it is, is the issue in the relationship and be happy with your current spouse. Right. Like, but we

00:26:08.760 don't talk about that. Right. It's like, well, it's, it's this or that it's, there's no other

00:26:12.360 possible solution. Yeah. I mean, so as you're saying that, what I hear is this concept of false

00:26:19.780 dichotomy, right? You're saying we could be together and we could be miserable for the kids,

00:26:24.840 or we can be separate and we can be happy and happiness is a choice. And, and marriage is,

00:26:30.880 is a struggle at times. And, you know, you have two people who grew up in different environments,

00:26:37.660 who have different beliefs, maybe different cultural upbringing, and you're trying to create

00:26:42.780 a union. And then we throw in emotions there and being irrational at times and temperamental,

00:26:50.780 like we all are. And then we expect that everything's going to go swimmingly. It just,

00:26:56.160 it just isn't good. Yeah. And, and I think we, and, and we assume that by exiting that we'll find

00:27:06.280 someone that will make that scenario different while we remain the same and it's going to be easier.

00:27:14.940 And, and I, I don't know, like I, maybe I'm more negative in this camp, but like, I don't think

00:27:20.460 that's true. I think in most cases, it's just as hard as it was before. It's a trade-off of one thing

00:27:27.540 for another thing. And, and although Asia has amazing traits that I appreciate out of her that

00:27:34.480 my ex-wife never had, she has aspects of her that are just frustrating as hell that, that my, 0.72

00:27:41.220 yeah, that my ex-wife never had, right? Like, and, and I don't think it's, I don't know. And I,

00:27:47.340 and I think it's dangerous because we, we go into this idea that it's them when most of the time it is

00:27:53.500 us. Yeah. Can you read that first part of that question? There was something, and I forgot what it

00:27:57.920 was, but there's something I wanted to hone in on. Uh, staying together for the kids. Is it better

00:28:02.460 to exhaust all options in trying to make the relationship work? Yeah. That's okay. So I want to hone in on

00:28:07.780 that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The answer to that is yes. A hundred percent. Yeah. Look, you committed

00:28:14.340 to this woman. Yeah. I mean, you committed, you told her like, are you a man of your word or not?

00:28:18.760 Like you committed to her. You said, I'm going to love you forever, either eternally or till death

00:28:23.740 do you part, whatever your belief might be, but you committed to this woman. And you're telling me

00:28:28.140 that you're not willing to exhaust all options. I don't think that of you by the way, but that's the

00:28:31.680 verbiage you're using. Should I exhaust all options? Absolutely. You should exhaust all options

00:28:36.440 because it's better for her. It's better for you. It's better for the kids. Now I'm not saying

00:28:42.200 that you should be miserable forever, but you should exhaust all options. You should look at

00:28:48.280 what we're doing here. That might help. You should go on a vacation together and work through that.

00:28:54.500 You should have conversations together. You should consider therapy, exhaust every single,

00:28:58.880 and I'm coming to you as a divorced, a recently divorced man, exhaust every single option.

00:29:05.820 It's better emotionally. It's better mentally. It's better physically. It's better for your

00:29:11.540 children. It's better financially. It's better for everything for you to stay together. So you owe

00:29:17.700 it to yourself, your kids and her to exhaust every single option. Now let's answer the question in the

00:29:26.660 spirit of which it's asked. If you've exhausted every option and it's not working for her or you or both of

00:29:35.320 you, I want to be careful in what I say here. I don't know. I don't know. I actually don't know.

00:29:40.200 I'm not going to say yes. I don't know. I don't know if it's better. I lean towards it's not better.

00:29:47.200 And I don't know the data. I don't know the statistics. I don't know the research.

00:29:50.000 I just anecdotally lean towards after you exhaust every option. And I throw that in there because

00:29:55.760 most of us haven't, like we really haven't. So let's not use that as an excuse, but if you have,

00:30:02.180 and that's very, that's a slim fraction of us. I think if you have, I think it's probably healthier.

00:30:09.700 I'm so hesitant to say it this way just because of my own, I think it's probably,

00:30:14.780 and what I'm dealing with my kids right now, but I do think it's probably healthier.

00:30:20.020 I don't know. I don't know, man. I'm not going to answer that question because I don't know.

00:30:24.320 I just know how hard it is for my kids right now and what they're dealing with that. It's hard for

00:30:29.800 me to say, Oh yeah, it's better if you're separate. I just don't know, man. I really don't. What do you

00:30:34.080 think? Well, and I got older boys, right? And so I used to say this all the time. It's like,

00:30:39.560 Oh, well they bounce back fine and they're all good. And I, I'm not, it's not really a joke,

00:30:44.280 but I kind of like jokingly say like, well, we'll see when they're 25 and they have commitment

00:30:48.140 issues and can't settle down with a girl. Like the repercussions, man, like they're not now. I mean,

00:30:56.720 don't get me wrong. They're now in your face. Right. But who knows, right? Like the repercussions of

00:31:03.820 the decision are, are far greater than just, you know, my kids are going to be happy. It's right.

00:31:08.660 Yeah, man, that's tough. Right. And I understand why you don't want to answer that. Like,

00:31:12.580 because we don't know. And it's almost like that plank challenge, right? Like I've been with you,

00:31:16.260 we've done so many order of man events, right? And we do this blank, maybe I shouldn't share,

00:31:21.080 but we do this blank, blank challenge. Shit. Now we're gonna have to do a different challenge 1.00

00:31:25.040 because Kip disclosed all our secrets. Yeah, there you go. So, but at one point, right? Like

00:31:29.780 eventually guys start dropping. Falling out. And then the question that you ask is what?

00:31:35.160 Could you have gone longer? And the answer to that for every single person is,

00:31:39.880 yes, I could have done more. So exhaust all options. We can always say I could have tried

00:31:47.620 harder. I could have done this better. I, I, you know, stuff. Yeah. It's I don't think I've ever

00:31:56.100 had a question on this podcast after eight years of doing this, where I said, I don't know,

00:31:59.560 but I will tell you that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I personally have exhausted

00:32:07.500 all options. Like I'm, I can sleep at night knowing that I can look myself in the mirror.

00:32:12.500 I can look myself right in the eye and say, yep, you exhausted all options. And it's not great

00:32:18.820 because the outcome is not what I wanted or expected, but at least I have that. And there's

00:32:25.640 another question in here. We should probably get to this question next. And I really, really don't

00:32:30.300 want to answer this question, but there's another question from Rick Donovan, I believe. Yeah. And

00:32:35.800 I think it ties into what we're talking about here, but I can look at myself and say that I've

00:32:39.380 exhausted all options and I can put my head on that pillow and sleep comfortably knowing at least

00:32:44.540 that. Yeah. So I would say yes, exhaust all options. And that, that, I just want to stress how

00:32:51.640 important that is. And, and that's how, that's how we deal with hardship by the way, is, is being

00:33:01.400 in integrity with how we dealt with it. And, and that's how we let go of it as well. You know,

00:33:07.880 of, of what we once had or the way we wanted it to be for me, I didn't exhaust all options

00:33:15.920 before I got divorced. I didn't because I wasn't even at the time, I wasn't even the right mindset

00:33:23.960 to even, I was a victim and, you know, like I was doing nothing wrong and she just left. Right. Like

00:33:30.340 I was oblivious, so oblivious. But to be really clear and somewhat extreme and people can, and people

00:33:39.680 have placed judgment on me for this all they want. And I actually don't care because it's what I needed

00:33:45.560 to do, but I literally dated my ex-wife for like on and off for like five years. And people would 0.73

00:33:53.040 say, Oh, kid, she's taking advantage. You dragging you through and what are you doing and blah, blah,

00:33:58.100 blah. But you know what? I wanted my family. And I, and I don't think when all is said and done,

00:34:04.380 I was like, Oh man, I took advantage of. No, I was willing to drag through in hopes that I can maybe

00:34:11.520 pull it back together last minute. Yeah. And that's what I needed to do. And eventually it

00:34:17.900 was enough. Eventually I was like, okay, I've done everything that'll work. Yeah. And then I was

00:34:24.500 able to walk away. Yeah. All right. So Rick Donovan, how did you flip the switch from, I want to get my

00:34:32.220 wife back to I'm ready to date again. I asked because failed relationships are a big reason why a lot of

00:34:38.580 guys are in the IC and some are stuck in that spot of not knowing when or how to flip that switch.

00:34:47.240 So I hesitated when I saw this question, cause I really didn't want to answer it because,

00:34:51.420 and here's why everybody's going to have an opinion about my situation. Some of it's going

00:34:56.420 to be favorable, which, which I have a lot of support guys like you and Jay and, and Chris Gatch go

00:35:02.060 and like so many guys. And then some of, some of the people listening to this podcast are tapped into

00:35:06.980 whatever we're doing in various degrees are going to have a negative perception of what's going on.

00:35:11.820 But here's the reality. You don't know my situation. You don't know. You have no idea.

00:35:16.640 You're making judgments based on faulty, inaccurate, or incomplete information, which is okay. That's

00:35:23.700 what we do. And I expect it because I'm in the public eye. So people are going to judge harshly or

00:35:27.500 with, with grace and leniency, they're going to make those decisions. And that's up to them to how

00:35:31.760 they make those decisions. But the reason I'm hesitant to, hesitant to answer this is because

00:35:36.280 I, I am, I, I am dating and I'm dating somebody in particular. And people will say, well, that's

00:35:42.720 too quick. How do you know? Do you know my situation? Do you know what's going on? Do you

00:35:48.080 know everything I've tried? Do you know the conversations my ex-wife and I have had? Do

00:35:51.060 you know the conversations my girlfriend and I have? Like, do you have any of that information? Are you,

00:35:55.260 are you privy to any of that? No, you're not. So you don't know.

00:35:58.260 So let's just be very, very careful and rushing to conclusions, not just about me. This isn't

00:36:03.940 about me. This is about all of us. Like, why are you judging a man based on information that you

00:36:08.980 have, you know, nothing about, you know, I thought about this with regards to health. You see this

00:36:13.140 guy walking to the gym, you're at the gym. You see this guy walking to the gym and maybe he's a,

00:36:18.320 maybe he's 80 pounds overweight. And what do we do? We're like, look at this guy. Oh, he's, I did it

00:36:22.800 today. The guy was using 15 pounds weights. And I was like, what the hell is that guy doing? Like 15,

00:36:28.020 come on, bro. You can do more than that. I don't know. He's doing a hundred reps of 15. Yeah,

00:36:34.780 exactly. Maybe he's doing a hundred. Maybe he just broke his arm and he's doing recovery.

00:36:39.400 I don't know, but I sure as shit judged him for it. I don't know. Why do we do that? It makes us 0.99

00:36:46.780 miserable. I know that when I don't judge as harshly, I'm happier to be around and I'm more

00:36:53.540 pleasant in my own life. Like I like myself more. Yeah. But if I walk around and say that guy's

00:36:59.760 not doing enough weight and that guy's overweight and that guy's an asshole and that guy I'm miserable 1.00

00:37:05.460 and I don't want to be like that. So what I try to do, or at least I'm learning to do is give guys 0.99

00:37:11.680 the benefit of the doubt. So this guy in the gym today, he's doing 15 pound weights. I'm like,

00:37:15.240 oh, he probably hurt himself. This is probably not true either, but I don't know. So I might as

00:37:20.300 well make up something that makes me feel better. Yeah. Or, or here's another thought. Hey, that guy's

00:37:26.380 in here getting after it. How many people are at home in their bed, you know, doing nothing right

00:37:30.840 now, but here he is, he's doing 15 pound weights. I think you could probably do more, but you know

00:37:34.560 what? He's here. He's doing his thing. That's awesome. So it's all just a perception. That's why

00:37:39.560 I'm hesitant, hesitant to answer that. But again, in the spirit of the question, I'm not going to get

00:37:44.220 into the details because I made a commitment that I would, what was my commitment? I'm trying

00:37:51.960 to think about this. You know, my commitment was that I'm not going to speak poorly of my ex-wife

00:37:58.920 and I, and I don't have anything negative to say at all, by the way, but I don't want anything to

00:38:03.440 ever be misconstrued as negative towards her. So I'm going to be a little bit discreet in the way that

00:38:07.620 I share this, but I will say this. There was a moment, one particular moment that I realized,

00:38:15.540 yep, this is over done. Yep. And there was a lot leading up to that. You know, there was a lot of

00:38:22.820 me trying and efforts and conversations and back and forth and tears between both of us. And again,

00:38:27.760 I'm not going to get into all the details, but you know, that, that, that happened over time,

00:38:31.640 but there was one moment where I was like, I got it. I understand. Yeah. And no ill will,

00:38:40.960 no animosity, no contention, but I got it. And that moment was difficult to wrestle with. It was

00:38:47.020 very, a lot of tears on my part, very hard to deal with in that moment. Um, but also pretty cathartic

00:38:53.900 for me in that I can hang up my hat on that and say, you know what, that chapter is closed. Let's

00:39:01.880 close that book, close that chapter. And it was liberating in a lot of ways. Um, and you know,

00:39:12.100 I spent time thinking about that, pondering on that, developing and building relationships with

00:39:16.700 my kids and rebuilding those. And, uh, but you know, I felt like I had a lot of love to give.

00:39:21.640 Uh, I like companionship. I, I, I appreciate women. I like what women bring to a man's life

00:39:27.660 clearly. Uh, and I felt like I had love to share and, and I was after companionship and I started

00:39:35.700 dating. Um, and I got on a couple apps for, by the way, guys, like dating, going on a first date is

00:39:43.160 easier than it's ever been. What the hell is wrong with you? If you can't get a first date, 0.93

00:39:46.520 like so many people are like, Oh, Tinder bumble. I hate these. Why, why they're amazing. You go on

00:39:54.220 these apps. And by, so the apps that I was on was, was bumble and hinge. Those were the two apps I was

00:39:59.860 on bumble and hinge. And they're awesome. You pull up this app and you get like, you know, 30 or 40,

00:40:07.660 depending on your plate, maybe more, depending on where you live, beautiful women who want to date you. 1.00

00:40:12.220 And all you have to do is be somewhat normal and not a creeper. Like if you can't get a first date,

00:40:19.520 like we need to talk about that. So did a little bit of dating and, you know, one particular woman

00:40:26.600 and I hit it off and it's been great. You know, it's like, so I just remember that pivotal moment

00:40:34.740 and my desire to have companionship and be with a woman. And, and that's it. Like, I don't know if

00:40:44.540 there's much more to it. Yeah. I think you answered the question, the switch. Right. And it just kind

00:40:50.220 of, it wasn't something you created per se, as much as just, there was kind of a, a natural, like,

00:40:57.860 yeah, this is over, you know, at a moment of letting go. It sounds. And I, and, and look,

00:41:03.540 I busted my balls. I busted my balls. You know, we've, you and I have had conversations about 0.99

00:41:09.400 everything that I try to do and change. And you guys can hear it. You can hear it. My voice

00:41:13.620 busted my balls. It just wasn't going to work. And so at some point you've got to realize, 0.98

00:41:20.420 you know what? I'm switching tactics. This isn't working. Yep. Yeah. All right. And if you need help

00:41:26.720 on the, on the dating apps, I mean, we could, maybe we could put together a course or whatever,

00:41:31.960 but I'm like, I, I'm not going to say, I was going to say something. I'm not going to say it

00:41:37.400 because it's going to come across as insensitive, but guys, like dating apps get a bad rap. I,

00:41:43.700 I actually, I went out with a few women, quite a few women, and I loved every date I went on.

00:41:49.640 Now, not every date did I hit it off with that individual, but I enjoyed going out. And I would say

00:41:55.300 that part of it was that I didn't have any expectations. Look, I don't need to get laid.

00:41:59.860 Uh, I don't need to get married. So my expectation was so low. I'm like, let's just go have a good

00:42:04.420 time. Yeah. Enjoy the moment. And if it goes somewhere from there, cool. Then we'll enjoy

00:42:09.160 that next moment. But that, that was helpful for me. And then just not being a total douchebag

00:42:14.160 and creeper was really helpful as well. Cause there's so many of so many men I've heard some 0.88

00:42:19.900 crazy, crazy stories. I'm like, this guy's an idiot, you know? So, yeah. 1.00

00:42:24.520 See, I just assumed that she used the new website, order a man.com. And, uh, she found your profile

00:42:30.880 on there. It's only your profile. There's like no one else on there.

00:42:35.320 That's order a man. That's not order of man. That's what I said.

00:42:39.320 Oh, okay. I didn't hear you say that.

00:42:40.440 That's what I said.

00:42:42.920 Which by the way, we need to create a new dating site. All right, let's move on.

00:42:46.200 All right. Patrick Calhoun. My in-laws create a toxic environment. Every time we see them

00:42:52.820 to the point that my kids want to almost nothing to do with them. Everything.

00:42:57.040 I already know the answer to this question, by the way, let's see if I get it right.

00:43:00.560 Okay. Everything they do for the kids is with heavy strings attached or is present with guilt

00:43:05.780 and shame in mind as a primary motivator. It puts my wife in an awful situation as I want to address 1.00

00:43:11.000 them head on, but she does not want to, uh, and, and just gets along to, you know, so she doesn't

00:43:17.400 offend everybody. I'm, I am, or the mindset to cut them loose. How should one approach this touchy

00:43:23.500 subject? What are your thoughts? Proceed. All right. Let me give you the formula. Number one,

00:43:29.500 you're going to need to have a lot of conversations with your wife. And by the way, when I say conversations,

00:43:34.140 I'm talking about asking questions, do not talk at her. Okay. Don't tell her why this is bad. Don't

00:43:41.520 tell her why she should feel this way. Don't tell her what the things you should do. It's not what

00:43:45.500 I'm saying. I'm saying, ask her questions, hon. How do you feel about this? How does it make you

00:43:50.320 feel? Are you okay with this? Does it upset you? What boundaries would you put in place? What do you

00:43:55.060 like? What don't you like? What are the consequences? If we do X, Y, and Z, what are the consequences?

00:43:59.860 If we do A, B, and C, you need to ask her questions. This is what great leaders do.

00:44:04.700 They elicit response and engagement from the people that they want to influence and inspire.

00:44:09.500 That's your wife. You're the leader of the house. You're not the dictator of the house. 0.82

00:44:14.500 You're the leader of the home. You're the leader of the family. She has your last name. You need to

00:44:19.980 lead. And we do that by encouraging her to come out of her shell and talk about maybe things that are

00:44:25.960 uncomfortable for her to talk about because the best definition of leader I've ever heard

00:44:29.840 is taking somebody to a place that they could not have imagined going on their own. And we don't

00:44:35.160 do that by coercing, manipulating, gaslighting, strong-arming, blackmailing, manipulating, all of

00:44:42.160 those things. We do that by asking them really, really good questions because I'd be willing to bet

00:44:48.040 in light of her not wanting to rock the boat, she probably feels very similar to you. That's why you

00:44:55.200 love each other. That's why you guys have children together. That's why you guys are together is

00:44:59.940 because you're in alignment with a lot of these things, not everything, but a lot of these things.

00:45:04.200 So if you ask her and you help her come to your own, her own conclusions, you're going to have a

00:45:09.200 better time than telling her all the things that you want to do. Because here's what happens. If you

00:45:12.960 push your agenda, you're the bad guy. You're the dick that got between her and her family. 1.00

00:45:19.000 And that's your fault. You want to be that guy? You don't want to be that guy. She needs to come 1.00

00:45:26.200 to the conclusions. And you get her there by asking her really good questions and letting her go

00:45:32.440 through the process herself. That's step number one. Step number two is once we get to that place,

00:45:38.820 then we can start having some conversations with our significant other about how we address this

00:45:44.340 with your in-laws and her parents. And there's got to be some rules in place. And you might just do

00:45:51.340 this really delicately at first. Maybe it's not everything all at once in this total barrier

00:45:55.680 between all the things they need to do differently. But maybe there's one thing like candy, for example.

00:46:01.100 I don't know if this is true or not, but maybe they give your kids candy and you and your wife are

00:46:05.580 not on board with that. That's a very simple, small thing. And it could be as simple as saying,

00:46:11.160 Hey, mom, dad, look, we're trying, we've tried really hard. In fact, I would encourage her to

00:46:18.260 do this while you're there with like, you guys do it together. Not you or not just her, but you guys

00:46:22.580 do it together. Because if you put it on you again, you're going to be the dick. If you put it on her, 1.00

00:46:28.960 she's probably not going to do it. Like she's probably going to tell you she did it, but in reality,

00:46:33.800 she didn't really do it. What you guys talked to, that's probably what's going to happen.

00:46:36.840 Yeah. Or like a soft version of it. Yeah, exactly. So you guys do it together and you say,

00:46:42.940 Hey, mom and dad, like we realize you love the kids. We know that when you give them candy,

00:46:48.380 it's because you love them and you want them to love you and you want to have a good relationship,

00:46:53.600 but we're really working on our nutrition right now. And candy, especially late at night,

00:46:59.980 makes the kids go crazy. So we've implemented a rule in our house that we're not doing candy at all,

00:47:04.720 or we're not doing candy after two o'clock in the hour or whatever, you know, whatever the thing

00:47:08.480 is. And so we would really appreciate if you didn't give the kids candy, but what you can give

00:47:14.060 them is fruit or what you can give them is this, what you can, how you can show them love is through

00:47:19.420 these ways. But we ask that you don't do candy that might nip it in the bud right there. Yeah.

00:47:25.500 If it doesn't, then, Hey folks, like we told you no candy. And we were, we actually,

00:47:30.720 we were actually really serious about that. It's important to us. It may not be as important to you,

00:47:34.560 but we're their parents and it's important to us. And we love that they have a relationship with you.

00:47:38.320 And we love that we can bring them over on Friday night when we go on a date. But if you're going

00:47:42.180 to give them candy, then we're going to have to make a different choice. And we're going to have

00:47:45.740 to hire a babysitter, which we can certainly do, but we want to give them the opportunity to build

00:47:49.860 a relationship with you. So could you please stop giving them candy after two o'clock? That's really

00:47:55.420 important to us, but here's what you can do. Can you do that for us? So you continue to escalate.

00:48:01.500 If they keep doing it, then it's like, okay, Hey, we're going out on Friday night. We would

00:48:06.560 have loved to bring them, brought them to you. We can't do that anymore because you're not honoring

00:48:11.060 and respecting our wishes. We can do things as a family. We can go on vacations. We can go to the

00:48:15.720 lake together. We can have fun, but we can't bring them over unsupervised anymore because you aren't

00:48:20.660 willing to uphold our boundaries. Has that changed? If it has, please let us know. We'll bring them back

00:48:24.860 over to you. But if not, we just can't do this anymore. But Ryan, my in-laws, we're not talking

00:48:31.200 candy here. They're, they're toxic. They're horrible. They're mean, verbally abusive to my 0.84

00:48:39.060 kids. They're completely unaware. This is just a miserable, like people to be around.

00:48:45.360 Those are, that's easier. That's easier. Candy's the hard thing. Cause it's like, 0.96

00:48:51.280 it's just a piece of candy. What's the big deal? That's easier. Or excuse me, that's harder.

00:48:58.080 It's the, the, the harder things like what you're talking about that are, that are easier.

00:49:02.640 So in that case, you need to bring it to their attention. Like you owe it to them and your kids

00:49:07.500 and everybody else to bring it because they may not know. So, Hey, you know, that's the right way

00:49:11.840 to handle that period. I think as a man, for sure. Yeah. So you do step one, step two is bring it to

00:49:17.040 their attention. Hey, mom and dad, look, the kids, we brought the kids over and we've repeated

00:49:21.240 told you about the way that they, that the fun that they're having or the way that they interpret

00:49:27.580 these times. And it's not good. You know, you, you tease them, you make fun of them. You call

00:49:35.180 their names. We don't like that. And we're going to establish a boundary. And the boundary is that we

00:49:41.120 can come over and spend time with you guys together as a family, but our kids are no longer coming over

00:49:46.640 here by themselves because we're not happy and satisfied with the way it goes. Now there is a

00:49:51.500 path to recovery. The path to recovery is that we, as a family come over and we spend time together

00:49:56.160 on Saturday or Sunday and we have Sunday dinner or whatever we do. And if we can see that you're

00:50:00.780 sharing with them in a constructive, positive way, then maybe we can extend that out and leave them

00:50:05.960 here for an hour while we go grab dinner. And we'll see from there. But for now, as it stands,

00:50:12.220 the kids will not be alone with you anymore because of the way that the experience goes.

00:50:18.240 That's easy. That, well, I should say that simple emotionally. It's very difficult.

00:50:25.420 Who do you care more about your in-laws or your kids? What do you, what do you think? Would you add

00:50:30.340 anything to that? Well, the only thing I think is what you've already alluded to is there's value

00:50:37.760 in your wife coming to the conclusion on a lot of the things by you facilitating the conversation

00:50:42.500 that gets her buy-in. But also this is her difficult situation more than yours, right? This

00:50:48.940 is her mom and dad. So respect that and help her identify and align together as a couple in regards

00:50:57.220 to the best way moving forward. I just want to call out that, you know, that's a tough situation

00:51:01.800 for her possibly. Well, and because it's so difficult, it's important for her to say these

00:51:07.140 things, not you. Yep. It's her mom and dad. It's her relationship on the line with them, you know?

00:51:12.580 So you can be there with her, but she needs to be the one having these conversations. 1.00

00:51:17.860 Because again, I want to reiterate, if you do it, you're the dick. 1.00

00:51:21.200 Yep. And you're the one that drove the wedge, not her. You are. So she really, if she, 1.00

00:51:26.700 if she believes in you and she trusts you and she believes this way about a thing,

00:51:31.560 you gotta, you gotta make sure she's the one that communicates this, not you. You can be there to

00:51:35.460 support her and feel them where you need, but she's the one that needs to do it.

00:51:39.620 Yeah. So Jeremy Roach, this is really funny. He actually doesn't have a question, but it's

00:51:44.100 maybe a plug for the value of maybe journaling for some of us. He, he wrote, typed out two paragraphs

00:51:49.760 and answer my own question. I'll stand by and enjoy the podcast. Be blessed.

00:51:54.080 I mean, isn't that it, but that's awesome. Yeah. But it's kind of how it works. You know,

00:51:59.860 you start processing, you know, your thoughts and feelings and you're like, Oh wait, that's a

00:52:04.340 little bit more clear now. I got an email message on Instagram from a guy the other day. He's like,

00:52:10.520 well, what do you think I should do? Long story short, what do you think I should do? Like,

00:52:13.520 I don't know what you should do. It's your, your problem, not mine. I'm not going to,

00:52:17.500 I'm done giving people advice unless it's like a, like a broad thing. Like, like this is different,

00:52:23.520 right? Cause it's a broad thing. We're, we're answering questions, but if somebody comes to

00:52:27.720 me broad statement, yeah. Yeah. If you came to me, Kip, and you're like, what do I think?

00:52:31.580 What do you think I should do? I'd say, well, what have you tried? And you'd say X, Y, and Z.

00:52:35.280 And I'd say, well, what worked? You should do Kip. Yeah. And you'd say, well, this worked,

00:52:39.420 but this didn't. Okay. What are you going to try next? Well, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

00:52:42.580 I don't know what your situation. What do you think you should do? Well, I think I should try this.

00:52:46.220 Have you tried it? No. What's keeping you from trying it? I'm worried. I get that. I'd be

00:52:52.360 worried too. If I was in your shoes, what's the, what's the, you know, what's the end result,

00:52:56.960 whether it goes good or poorly, like what would happen? I'm, I'm done. I'm done answering people's

00:53:02.780 questions individually. Who wants to be acting on a decision that wasn't made by you anyway?

00:53:08.960 I just don't want to be the bad guy. I like, look, you, you're a big, you're a big boy. Like

00:53:13.180 if I, if I make the decision for you, you're going to blame it on me. If it goes wrong.

00:53:18.320 Yeah. That's what, what we just said about the marriage thing. If I make the decision for you,

00:53:23.240 you're going to blame me. If it goes South. Well, and your commitment to the decision

00:53:27.580 is compliant at best. You're not bought into that idea. You just listen to Ryan, right? Like

00:53:35.380 that's the power of us processing, thinking logically and making a decision that we're

00:53:41.840 committed to is there's power and momentum around that. The, the amount of momentum I'd put in an

00:53:48.940 advice from someone else to say, Oh, just do ABC. I'm going to be speculative still. Oh,

00:53:54.160 maybe is it still going to work? I'm not going to, I'm not full, fully bought in and committed to

00:53:58.440 that. I've just outsourced it. So then that way I have a, you know, someone to blame it on when it

00:54:03.520 doesn't work. You have a fallback. You have a fallback guy. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing

00:54:07.620 is like, if it goes wrong, you're going to blame me. If it goes well, you're going to take credit

00:54:10.400 for it. Yeah. So what's in it for me? Like really, you know, like if you're going to give

00:54:18.440 me credit, if it goes well, then maybe I can consider that, but you're not, you're going to

00:54:21.260 take credit yourself. Like, Oh, I did that. I came to a resolution. Yeah. And also if you care about

00:54:26.220 people, it's the teach a man to fish versus feed him a fish mentality. Right. So like, I'm just not

00:54:32.320 interested in giving you a fish. You get, get your own fish. I'm interested in showing you how to tie

00:54:39.340 the fly and how to cast and how to find the right places. And, but you ultimately need to do it. And

00:54:44.320 then I'm interested in teaching you how to land the fish and use the net to pick them up. Like, but you

00:54:48.340 need to do it. I'm not doing it for you. I'm done. I have my own stuff. Like I have enough of my own

00:54:53.600 stuff. Well, and to be frank, like fulfillment and growth is knowing how to fish. It's not

00:55:02.320 eating the fish. Yeah. But that's what a lot of us are after. I mean, there's so much self-help

00:55:07.940 out there that says, you know, do this, do this, do that, do this. I talked about it with our battle

00:55:12.320 planning stuff. Like one of the differences between the way that we teach planning and goal setting

00:55:17.040 is I'm never going to tell you what you should do. I don't know what your goals are. Your goals

00:55:22.760 are different than mine. They're not less relevant. They're just different. And so if I tell you,

00:55:27.580 you need to learn how to hunt, or you need to go train jujitsu, or you need to go do this,

00:55:31.760 or you need to eat these foods. I don't know. All that I want to do anymore is just give you a

00:55:37.500 track to run on a path to run on and help you identify goals and give you a path to, to streamline

00:55:42.260 the process, to achieve what you are after. Not what I'm after. Not what I tell you, you should do.

00:55:48.580 That's arrogant. And I was arrogant for a lot of years in telling you what you should do. You should

00:55:54.620 train jujitsu. You should do this. You should, I'm done. I don't know that you should do that stuff.

00:56:01.760 What do you think you should do? And how can I help? Yeah. Yeah. Matt Hatfield, last question,

00:56:08.020 if that's okay. Yeah, it works. Okay. Matt Hatfield, as you seek to improve and become

00:56:15.040 the man you were meant to be, how do you guard against burnout and fatigue? What strategies have

00:56:20.920 you found useful in keeping the fire burning long-term? And where in your experience are those

00:56:26.420 moments of burnout or fatigue likely to occur for men?

00:56:30.620 For me personally, with burnout and fatigue, it gets monotonous for me. And if things get monotonous,

00:56:35.640 even if I'm working towards a goal, I tend to burn out. So I don't burn out with pace. I don't really

00:56:42.360 burn out with tempo. I burn out with monotony. That's me personally. So I have to mix things up.

00:56:47.920 So if I'm training for a run, running every day is probably not something I'm going to do. Could I run

00:56:54.020 every couple of days? Probably. I could probably force myself to do that. But maybe it's going for

00:56:59.540 a bike ride. Maybe it's jumping on the treadmill. Maybe it's doing a HIIT workout. Maybe it's training

00:57:05.840 jujitsu. These things are all going to strengthen my cardio, which are going to help me in that run.

00:57:10.620 If I'm building a business, I may have goals and places I want to go. But if I'm doing the same thing

00:57:15.260 every single day, that monotony just gases me. And so it might be, what's a new strategy?

00:57:21.540 You know, with my financial planning practice, the reason that you're listening to this podcast

00:57:25.400 is because I got bored with financial planning. It was all the same. It was all like call,

00:57:30.420 cold calls, ask for referrals, use this script, do this thing. I was like, God, there's got to be a

00:57:35.700 better way. I'm so sick of doing the same thing over and over again. And what I would do,

00:57:40.880 what I started doing is I bought CDs at Best Buy or whatever, you know, wherever it was,

00:57:46.700 Staples, blank CDs. And I went to a place to get my picture taken. It reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite

00:57:54.560 where she goes, Kip goes in. He's like, is there some sort of vest I can wear? It was like a place

00:57:59.120 like that. And I went, I put a suit on and I went to this place. I'm like, take some professional

00:58:06.440 pictures. And I was, you know, like doing this with my, you know, hand on my chin and this kind

00:58:10.920 of stuff, you know, for the label for the label of the CD. Yeah. And I brought it and I downloaded

00:58:16.840 it off Microsoft word or whatever. And I, I printed these off and I individually stuck labels on these

00:58:22.580 CDs and the audio was a $67 Yeti microphone snowball, I think is what it was called. And, uh, um,

00:58:31.120 I recorded a 15 minute conversation. It was my, like the very first conversation I would have with

00:58:37.100 a client if they were in my office, because I was so tired of just talking with people in my office

00:58:41.800 for them to say, no, I'm like, all right, let me just start giving people a CD. And they could say

00:58:45.140 no before they even meet with me. And so I gave them the CD and they, you know, the only people who

00:58:50.740 met with me at that point where people were like, I like what this guy has to say, I'm interested.

00:58:54.220 And then I got this call from a pediatric physician in Pennsylvania. And I only remember that

00:58:58.400 because it was three P's pediatric physician, Pennsylvania. And he said, Hey, I need disability

00:59:02.660 insurance and I need X, Y, and Z. And he ran through this laundry list of things that he needed

00:59:07.160 in his disability insurance policy. Now, if you're anything like a normal human being, you know,

00:59:12.600 nothing about disability insurance, let alone all the features and benefits that you think you should

00:59:17.120 need. Yeah. I'm like, so I asked the guy, I'm like, you know, a lot about disability insurance.

00:59:23.240 Like you're either shopping around or you're an insurance agent disguised as a,

00:59:28.120 as a physician, like what's going on here. And he said, Oh no, no, no. I just listened to your

00:59:32.620 podcast. And I wrote down everything you said I needed. Like light bulb moment. Got it. Yeah.

00:59:38.500 You're like, I'm in your, I'm in your head. And I realized this is a really powerful medium,

00:59:43.120 but I would never have done that if I didn't get bored with what I was currently doing.

00:59:47.640 So here's what I would say to some, some eyes of this. You don't need to change the destination

00:59:54.540 as often as we do. You just need to change the route. So keep working towards what you're working

01:00:01.500 towards, but see if there's a different way you can do it and explore the veins and the quirks and

01:00:06.700 the oddities and the weirdness and the fringe. Explore all of those. Cause that's going to add

01:00:12.020 a different dynamic to your life, a different dimension. It's going to keep things engaged and

01:00:16.260 interesting, but you're still working towards the same objective.

01:00:19.220 Yeah. I like that. I like that. I was reading a study, geez, a couple months ago around a majority

01:00:27.220 of like employee burnout and anxiety. And in the study, it suggested that most anxiety and burnout

01:00:33.580 is a result of a lack of clarity around objectives of the work that they're doing. So I'd maybe latch

01:00:42.240 onto that too. What, you know, you're getting burned out. Okay. Well, what's the long-term plan here?

01:00:48.100 Well, what, why are you doing what you're doing? Is, is, is, is that clear? Do you have a game plan

01:00:55.080 of, of how long you're going to do whatever it is that you're doing and what you're achieving and

01:00:58.940 what the goal in, in result is, or the goal and the objective? And if you don't, then I'd suggest

01:01:03.880 you figure that out and then pivot, right? If it's out of alignment that gives us purpose,

01:01:09.280 right? It's just like holiday, right? The, the minute you book the flights, you know,

01:01:13.200 you start going on vacation then because now it's coming, you know, and, and you need to know

01:01:18.740 what's coming in regards to what you're working towards. Imagine if I told you to build a trench,

01:01:24.140 dig a trench, I said, dig a trench. I need it. I need a 300 yard trench from this point to this

01:01:29.320 point. Like, just go ahead and dig that trench. Like how quickly would you lose interest in that?

01:01:34.020 Yeah. But if I said, Hey, the reason that we're digging this trench is because there's a big water

01:01:38.360 source over here and we need to come over here because all the kids are over here. And once we

01:01:43.220 dig that trench and it's going to take us a few days, but once we dig that trench, then all the

01:01:47.220 water is going to come over here and it's going to create this amazing pool that we can play in and

01:01:51.600 we can laugh and we can enjoy, and we can do cliff jumping and we can, um, have the kids there and

01:01:56.660 they can laugh and play and enjoy it. Like, yeah, of course you're going to dig the trench and you're

01:02:01.240 going to be happier about it. You might do the first one, but you aren't going to be happy about it.

01:02:04.920 But if I told you the reason behind it, like, yeah, yeah, it would still suck. Don't get me

01:02:09.260 wrong. But every moment that it sucked, you'd be like, yeah, this sucks, but yeah, it's going to 0.92

01:02:14.400 be awesome when we get there. Totally. The perfect example of this is at the, at the lake, we get

01:02:20.780 branches and all this stuff that needs to be cleaned up all the time, right? Getting my kids to clean up

01:02:24.640 those branches and those twigs and like clean up the yard is like pulling teeth. But if I'm not having

01:02:31.180 them clean up and I look around, they're doing it already because they're trying to build a

01:02:34.780 fort. They're working just as hard for themselves, right? To build these fake walls and do this

01:02:42.940 little hut and all this stuff. And I'm like, man, why don't they work that hard when, and I'm like,

01:02:46.740 oh, because the desired outcome for them is what? The support is cool thing. They see the purpose of

01:02:52.320 it. Right. And what's mine? The lawn needs to look clean. To be an asshole. That's yours. Yeah.

01:03:00.260 Just to be a jerk. Yeah. There's one last question. You could probably answer it really 1.00

01:03:05.260 quick here. Brendan Bagden. I'm focusing on getting my emotional house in order this quarter. I just

01:03:11.640 read the power of one more, which has lit a fire underneath my ass. What other books on emotional 0.99

01:03:17.100 intelligence or your emotional house would you recommend?

01:03:20.420 Two things. As a man thinketh by James Allen and man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl.

01:03:28.580 Yeah. Would you add anything to that? Do you have another suggestion?

01:03:31.800 I like John Gary Bishop a lot. So his book on F yourself and then the book emotional intelligence

01:03:38.740 is pretty good on emotional intelligence. Yeah. Yeah. Those are both good recommendations.

01:03:43.420 Anything on stoicism is usually pretty good. Yeah.

01:03:47.080 Look, I'll say it like this. Ryan Holliday's writing is phenomenal. I was going to say him

01:03:54.160 as a human being. I don't know him as a human being, so I'm not going to say that. But his

01:03:57.220 political views and the way that he approaches some scenarios specifically as it relates to COVID,

01:04:02.440 I vehemently disagree with. And I lost a lot of credibility and respect with the way that he

01:04:07.000 approached that. But his writing is phenomenal, especially on stoicism. So you could check out

01:04:12.160 anything by Ryan Holliday. But me personally though, I think the best book on stoicism is

01:04:18.660 meditations by Marcus Aurelius and the guide to the good life. I love guide to the good life.

01:04:24.980 I like that is such a good book. I'm not, I don't know why, but I'm not, I'm not all the way in on

01:04:29.700 meditations. I know I'm supposed to, I know everybody's like meditations. Like I'm maybe I'm

01:04:34.720 just kind of cool that it's directly from Marcus Aurelius. Yeah. I know, but maybe I'm too dense

01:04:38.340 and I'm trying to like, like decipher what he's saying. I'm maybe I'm too dumb and I'm like, 0.91

01:04:42.760 I don't get it. He's using language. I don't understand. So like, make it easier for me. 0.96

01:04:46.660 That's how I feel even about like people. Nevermind. I'm not going to say we'll stick

01:04:52.080 with meditations. I'm going to see your version of the Bible that you read. Yeah.

01:04:56.420 It's really, it's a really dumbed down version. Cause I'm like, what I getting through Isaiah is like,

01:05:02.900 what, what are you saying? I have no idea.

01:05:04.900 You're just like, where's those Bible cartoons, those old VHS. Isn't there a video that you can

01:05:10.080 send me that has cartoons and it like illustrates the point for me. Oh, that's funny. All right,

01:05:17.940 cool. We were able to swing, swing one right there. So cool, man. Well, there's a couple of

01:05:23.320 call to actions, right? Um, those interested in the, um, iron council, obviously it's closed. You can sign

01:05:29.860 up. The main thing is stay connected with Mr. Mickler on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan Mickler,

01:05:34.840 or you can sign up for the newsletter at order of man.com slash iron council. The other key thing

01:05:39.820 though, is the battle ready. So to, um, the 30 day battle ready program, you can take some action,

01:05:46.480 be self-directed in your growth launch pad, and then join us, you know, in, in Q4. So that's

01:05:53.140 order of man.com slash battle ready. Correct. Yes, sir. Okay, cool. All right, guys. Appreciate you.

01:05:59.420 It's on the store slowly, but surely I just ordered. Okay. No, it's, it's fine. Uh, I just

01:06:05.060 ordered a bunch of new shirts. Uh, battle planners are in stock. Inserts are in stock.

01:06:10.420 Original order man shirts are in stock. Scout hats are in stock. I just have a brand new design

01:06:15.560 coming out. Um, Todd van fleet, who's our designer and fulfills a lot of this stuff. Uh, did a really

01:06:22.720 cool anchor hold fast. Like it's going to be, it's rad. And so I'm excited about that one. I should

01:06:28.520 have that in the next two weeks or so. I imagine just did an order on that. So slowly, but surely

01:06:32.960 we're, we're updating that that's at store.orderofman.com. Perfect. Excellent, sir. Thanks,

01:06:38.640 Kip. Appreciate you guys. Appreciate you. Great questions today. We've got some leftovers. We

01:06:42.400 didn't get to, we'll get to those next week, but until then go out there, take action and become a

01:06:46.900 man. You are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take

01:06:51.840 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

01:06:56.400 of man.com.

Order of Man - July 12, 2023

Dealing With Toxic In-laws, Avoiding Burnout Fatigue, and Staying Together for the Kids ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript