Order of Man - Death of Loved Ones, Stop Seeking Validation, and Outsourcing Responsibility

00:00:00.000 Years and years ago, my father passed away.

00:00:03.100 My mom had called me and she said,

00:00:04.680 hey, your dad's in the hospital.

00:00:07.180 He had a heart attack.

00:00:09.020 I brushed it off a little bit.

00:00:10.440 I said, ah, he'll be fine.

00:00:11.520 He'll be fine.

00:00:12.240 No, you really need to visit him.

00:00:14.240 His organs are shutting down.

00:00:16.040 And I got to the hospital and she came out

00:00:18.320 and I said, well, where's dad?

00:00:19.940 And she said, he passed away.

00:00:21.940 I was mad at him, which is why I didn't go see him initially.

00:00:25.400 Again, acknowledge the humanity, forgive where you can,

00:00:27.960 live a life that he would be proud to call you son.

00:00:32.460 Kip, what's up, man?

00:00:33.380 Great to see you.

00:00:34.180 I just told you I'm scrambling today.

00:00:36.300 I don't know what is going on.

00:00:37.860 I feel a little behind.

00:00:38.980 I did wake up late, later than normal.

00:00:41.780 So I didn't have my normal hour or two

00:00:44.320 before I get started with the day.

00:00:46.100 And isn't that weird?

00:00:47.400 If you get up a little earlier

00:00:50.020 and you get after it with a workout,

00:00:53.820 with hanging out with your kids,

00:00:55.560 planning out your day, whatever it might be,

00:00:57.360 your day just goes that much better.

00:00:59.140 Even though you've maybe got two hours less of sleep.

00:01:01.860 I don't know.

00:01:02.460 It's proven to be true for me.

00:01:04.620 It's wild.

00:01:05.940 And we all know that,

00:01:07.720 but yet it's still hard to do.

00:01:11.580 It is.

00:01:12.220 Some mornings, you know.

00:01:13.280 It is hard.

00:01:13.820 It's wild.

00:01:14.120 I know better.

00:01:14.800 Yeah.

00:01:15.600 You got to force yourself in a lot of ways to do it.

00:01:17.780 You know, and I know a lot of guys ask about that.

00:01:19.740 How do I have discipline?

00:01:22.140 How do I do this?

00:01:23.440 How do I do that?

00:01:24.260 How do I do things when I don't want to?

00:01:25.880 You just do it.

00:01:27.280 And you attach the results to the effort.

00:01:30.100 And it doesn't make it always easier.

00:01:32.040 It doesn't mean you don't always be able to overcome

00:01:33.940 whatever temptation you have to slack or take it easy,

00:01:38.640 but it just means you're more likely to do it.

00:01:41.400 And that's it.

00:01:42.980 Yeah.

00:01:44.220 That's wild.

00:01:44.820 All right, man.

00:01:45.340 Well, should we get into some questions today?

00:01:47.700 Yeah, absolutely.

00:01:49.120 We'll just jump right into it.

00:01:50.740 We're going to fill the questions

00:01:51.740 from our brotherhood, the Iron Council.

00:01:54.440 To connect and join us there,

00:01:56.040 go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:01:59.080 Shane Newman,

00:02:00.420 you both have been pushing the needle

00:02:02.340 with the Iron Council for years.

00:02:04.520 What keeps you both rooted

00:02:05.840 and always working for the greater good of all men?

00:02:10.020 Bodies get tired.

00:02:11.360 Mind wanders.

00:02:14.900 You're give a damn busted.

00:02:16.960 What mantras, quotes,

00:02:19.100 anything that keeps you saying to yourself,

00:02:21.260 I want more.

00:02:24.280 Well, as it relates specifically to this work,

00:02:27.040 what drives me is just seeing a message

00:02:28.800 that I get from an individual who says,

00:02:31.280 hey, man, you changed my life in this way.

00:02:33.060 It was so meaningful.

00:02:34.140 Or I listened to a podcast interview that you did

00:02:38.440 and what your guest said

00:02:39.960 is something I'd never considered before

00:02:42.300 and I tried it and it works.

00:02:43.780 I got three phone calls from acquaintances

00:02:48.080 and personal friends over the weekend

00:02:50.960 and three of them had life issues

00:02:55.940 that they were dealing with.

00:02:57.260 Various life issues, career aspirations,

00:03:00.440 personal issues, relationship issues, health issues.

00:03:03.360 And I get a lot of calls like this.

00:03:04.780 I get a lot of messages on Instagram and Facebook

00:03:06.920 and other social media places about this.

00:03:09.100 And when a friend calls and reaches out

00:03:11.220 or an acquaintance or even a stranger reaches out

00:03:13.240 and says, hey, man, I need some help in this department.

00:03:15.860 I know how important this work is.

00:03:18.040 And so that means that I do have to get up on time

00:03:20.460 and that I have to do this podcast

00:03:22.880 every day that I've committed to doing it.

00:03:25.660 And I like doing it, don't get me wrong,

00:03:27.820 but there are days where I am distracted

00:03:30.300 or I have so much on my plate

00:03:32.840 that I won't be able to,

00:03:35.900 at least I don't think I'll be able to get

00:03:37.620 to the things that I've committed to doing.

00:03:39.080 But I remember that.

00:03:39.880 And I remember what it feels like

00:03:41.300 when I get those calls.

00:03:42.560 But I also remember what it feels like

00:03:44.040 to be in a place of despair.

00:03:46.600 I know what it feels like to be going through a divorce

00:03:49.480 or having business concerns

00:03:52.080 or financial issues

00:03:54.080 or medical things that I'm struggling with,

00:03:56.460 injuries that I've dealt with,

00:03:58.500 relationship issues with my kids.

00:04:01.200 I feel all of that every single day.

00:04:04.320 And I know that I want help in those moments.

00:04:08.980 I want a resource.

00:04:10.800 I want a place to be able to turn

00:04:12.260 and a friend to be able to call

00:04:14.120 and an advocate or a mentor or a coach

00:04:16.380 to be able to lean on.

00:04:17.740 And that drives me.

00:04:19.920 That's the nice packaged answer.

00:04:24.180 The other part of this for me

00:04:25.940 is at times I do get really bored

00:04:28.660 because doing anything well

00:04:31.700 requires a bit of a grind.

00:04:34.520 It requires some monotony.

00:04:37.320 It requires dealing with some of the minutia,

00:04:40.300 the day-to-day activities that are required.

00:04:43.260 And one thing that's just helped me is novelty.

00:04:46.600 In the same vein is what I'm doing.

00:04:49.460 So you know this well about me, Kip.

00:04:52.040 I can't do the same event over and over

00:04:55.940 and over and over and over again.

00:04:57.740 I could do it for about two years

00:04:59.600 and then it's like,

00:05:00.720 I need to do something different.

00:05:03.320 I need a new event.

00:05:04.380 I need to mix this up.

00:05:05.500 I need to change this up.

00:05:07.260 But we don't deviate from the mission

00:05:09.200 to reclaim and restore masculinity.

00:05:11.360 We're still working in that vein,

00:05:12.660 but we change it enough

00:05:14.560 or we add a new course

00:05:15.760 or we add a new program

00:05:16.880 or we start talking about concepts

00:05:18.700 in a different way

00:05:19.720 or we even elevate the conversations

00:05:22.480 that we're having.

00:05:23.300 And that novelty keeps me engaged

00:05:25.320 in something that over time

00:05:26.760 can very easily become dry and monotonous

00:05:30.300 like he's talking about.

00:05:32.120 Yeah.

00:05:33.280 Man, all those things are so true

00:05:34.940 for me as well, Ryan.

00:05:36.860 The one thing that is present for me right now

00:05:39.880 is the payoff is almost immediate as well.

00:05:44.560 You know, we talk about it every Monday or so.

00:05:47.380 We have this conversation.

00:05:48.640 I feel 100% better after this conversation.

00:05:52.960 I feel 100% better when I meet with my battle team

00:05:58.500 on Tuesday mornings, right?

00:06:01.620 When you're taking action, motivation shows up.

00:06:06.140 And luckily for us,

00:06:07.820 we kind of have this set in stone, right?

00:06:10.180 We don't ask ourselves every week,

00:06:12.000 hey, do we want to do an episode?

00:06:13.560 We're doing one, right?

00:06:15.140 We're doing the episode.

00:06:16.300 It's going to happen whether I want to do it or not.

00:06:19.360 And what do you know?

00:06:20.140 Just like what we talked about

00:06:21.220 at the beginning of this phone call,

00:06:22.760 once we have the episode recorded,

00:06:25.540 am I better off?

00:06:26.480 The answer is yes.

00:06:28.000 Yes.

00:06:28.640 Yeah, of course.

00:06:29.180 When I don't want to wake up at six

00:06:30.760 and meet with my battle team,

00:06:31.900 do I sometimes not want to do it?

00:06:34.040 Absolutely.

00:06:34.760 Do I feel better after I'm done?

00:06:36.500 Absolutely.

00:06:36.900 So it's just, it's ironic that we kind of opened up

00:06:41.880 with like, you never kind of regret

00:06:43.820 going to the gym in the morning.

00:06:45.940 Doing this work and doing what's important to you

00:06:49.720 never kind of fails you.

00:06:52.380 It is hard to do, but I never regret it.

00:06:55.660 And there is some immediate payoff

00:06:57.360 because I feel once we,

00:06:59.300 once our minds are in the space

00:07:00.720 of these kinds of conversations,

00:07:02.520 I'm kind of centered.

00:07:04.460 It's like a sense of meditation for me sometimes,

00:07:07.820 you know, depending on what we talk about.

00:07:10.460 You know, you talk about those things

00:07:12.300 and that is all important.

00:07:13.460 The other thing is just,

00:07:14.840 and you did allude to this and talked about this,

00:07:17.140 is just taking action.

00:07:20.460 Yesterday, last night,

00:07:21.760 I spent a lot of time out

00:07:23.340 in our Order of Man merchandise store,

00:07:25.400 which is also known as my garage.

00:07:28.560 And my kids and I,

00:07:31.180 my two youngest sons,

00:07:33.340 so my second son

00:07:35.040 and then my fourth child,

00:07:36.180 who's also my son,

00:07:37.660 we went out in the shop

00:07:40.120 and worked together

00:07:40.960 because we're doing a big sale,

00:07:42.620 a big, yeah, it's a big sale.

00:07:45.520 We called it $10 Tuesday.

00:07:47.040 It dropped just yesterday.

00:07:48.060 And so there's a lot of merchandise on sale

00:07:49.840 and it's 10 bucks

00:07:50.840 for 14 or 15 different items.

00:07:53.260 It's really cool,

00:07:54.200 but we needed to organize the space.

00:07:56.960 And I've been dreading it,

00:07:58.280 like putting it off,

00:07:59.240 pushing it away,

00:08:00.020 pushing it on the back burner,

00:08:01.000 finding other things to distract myself with

00:08:03.360 that aren't as relevant

00:08:04.360 or as important

00:08:05.460 as getting the store organized

00:08:06.920 so we could do this.

00:08:08.720 And last night,

00:08:09.720 we're all sitting around

00:08:10.760 and we watched Mighty Ducks after dinner.

00:08:13.560 We had some stir fry.

00:08:14.940 Me and the boys are sitting

00:08:15.720 watching Mighty Ducks

00:08:16.760 and everybody was just kind of a little antsy.

00:08:20.280 I'm like, you know what, guys?

00:08:21.120 Let's go out in the shop.

00:08:22.200 We just need to start working on this

00:08:23.440 and get it done.

00:08:24.340 And both of the boys put up

00:08:26.420 a little bit of a stink,

00:08:27.420 but not too bad.

00:08:28.040 I was surprised

00:08:28.680 and we just started working

00:08:30.160 and we got into it

00:08:32.320 and all it took

00:08:33.540 was just forcing ourselves

00:08:35.200 to go do it.

00:08:36.960 And as soon as we started doing it,

00:08:38.260 we got excited.

00:08:39.060 The boys got more engaged.

00:08:40.820 They were giving me ideas,

00:08:42.500 some good,

00:08:43.120 some wouldn't work.

00:08:44.300 But I actually think

00:08:45.780 for doing a quote unquote chore,

00:08:48.580 we actually had a really good time

00:08:49.900 together doing it

00:08:50.940 and then we got done

00:08:51.920 and they looked at it

00:08:53.180 and they said,

00:08:53.700 dad, this looks awesome.

00:08:55.180 And it does.

00:08:56.060 It looks great.

00:08:56.900 And they can feel proud

00:08:58.700 of the fact that

00:08:59.360 they were involved in it.

00:09:00.680 And I also thought about,

00:09:01.800 well, maybe I'll just do it by myself.

00:09:04.000 And then I thought,

00:09:04.820 you know,

00:09:05.520 that's not how we would have done it

00:09:07.540 a hundred or two hundred years ago.

00:09:10.760 A dad wouldn't go out

00:09:12.320 and till the field

00:09:13.420 by himself

00:09:15.220 when his boys are just

00:09:16.300 hanging out with mom inside.

00:09:18.540 They'd be like,

00:09:19.160 hey, boys,

00:09:19.840 get your coat on.

00:09:21.560 Hook up.

00:09:22.320 We're going to go

00:09:22.880 till this thing together.

00:09:23.880 And they'd probably put up a stink.

00:09:25.680 The boys would.

00:09:27.080 And then we'd say,

00:09:28.600 hey,

00:09:28.860 you're part of this household.

00:09:29.980 If you're part of the house,

00:09:31.140 then you're part of the responsibility

00:09:32.480 of keeping the house.

00:09:34.300 And I was going to say

00:09:35.960 keeping the light on,

00:09:36.980 but I was going to,

00:09:37.560 it's probably more accurate to say

00:09:38.620 keep the candles burning.

00:09:41.520 And it's the same now.

00:09:42.840 It's different work.

00:09:43.780 But I thought to myself last night,

00:09:45.740 no,

00:09:46.660 they're part of the house.

00:09:47.660 They can have responsibility.

00:09:49.100 They need to see

00:09:49.680 how we earn income

00:09:51.020 and how we put the roof over our head

00:09:52.860 and the food on our table

00:09:53.860 and be able to rent Mighty Ducks

00:09:55.540 and have the electronics that we do.

00:09:57.140 And so we had a really good time,

00:09:58.540 but it just required us starting.

00:10:00.320 And sometimes just starting something

00:10:01.720 is enough.

00:10:02.940 I often think about this

00:10:04.060 in the context of motivation

00:10:05.340 because people will say,

00:10:07.020 what's the best thing to do?

00:10:08.160 Is it best to start

00:10:09.060 with something small and simple

00:10:10.320 or is it best to start

00:10:11.520 with the biggest, grandest thing

00:10:13.000 and or the most important thing?

00:10:16.440 And my answer to that is

00:10:18.120 it depends.

00:10:18.820 It depends on what motivates you.

00:10:22.600 If chasing that big, huge goal

00:10:25.820 or doing that one project

00:10:27.600 inspires you enough to start,

00:10:29.340 then that's what you should start with.

00:10:30.940 If that's intimidating

00:10:32.220 and overwhelming

00:10:33.240 and frustrating to you,

00:10:34.740 then maybe start

00:10:35.660 with some low-hanging fruit.

00:10:37.440 It's like picking apples

00:10:38.420 off an apple tree

00:10:39.560 or cherries

00:10:40.220 or your fruit of choice.

00:10:42.220 You know,

00:10:42.420 you pick the ones

00:10:43.140 that are closest to you

00:10:44.140 and you start filling your bucket,

00:10:46.540 but eventually those close ones run out.

00:10:48.400 But by then,

00:10:49.160 you're a little bit more motivated.

00:10:50.440 You're into it.

00:10:50.880 And so you get the latter out

00:10:51.740 and you start going for

00:10:52.740 the harder-to-reach fruit.

00:10:55.580 It's, for me,

00:10:56.900 sometimes just starting

00:10:58.080 with small,

00:10:59.260 little simple things,

00:11:00.800 even just, you know,

00:11:02.200 writing out a plan,

00:11:03.180 which is what I did this morning.

00:11:04.600 Normally, I would do this Sunday night,

00:11:05.820 but I did it this morning.

00:11:06.940 And that sometimes

00:11:08.620 is enough to spark me going.

00:11:10.140 Anyways,

00:11:10.880 there's a lot of thoughts there.

00:11:11.820 Yeah, I love it.

00:11:14.220 Eric Manesee,

00:11:16.260 how does a man know

00:11:17.700 when he's truly closing a chapter

00:11:19.800 versus avoiding discomfort?

00:11:21.920 Where's the line

00:11:22.600 between quitting and evolving?

00:11:26.440 We've talked about this in the past.

00:11:28.220 I think the line

00:11:29.700 between quitting

00:11:30.720 and evolving

00:11:33.240 is if you're no longer

00:11:35.600 interested in it.

00:11:36.620 If you still have interest

00:11:40.540 in that thing,

00:11:42.100 but it's hard,

00:11:43.420 then that means

00:11:44.420 that you probably

00:11:45.220 should continue

00:11:45.880 with what you're doing.

00:11:47.760 But if it sucks your soul,

00:11:50.240 and I'm not talking

00:11:50.840 about the work itself

00:11:51.900 because sometimes

00:11:52.700 the work,

00:11:53.200 as we said earlier,

00:11:53.880 is just draining.

00:11:55.720 I'm talking about

00:11:56.920 the purpose behind it.

00:11:58.180 Let me give you

00:11:58.620 a real-world example.

00:12:01.500 In 2014,

00:12:04.000 I had started

00:12:06.280 another podcast

00:12:07.000 called Wealth Anatomy,

00:12:08.320 and it was my first go

00:12:09.320 at a podcast,

00:12:09.820 and I won't get into

00:12:10.740 all the details

00:12:11.340 for the sake of time

00:12:12.080 right now.

00:12:13.360 But I realized

00:12:14.560 with that financial

00:12:15.680 planning podcast

00:12:16.400 that I loved

00:12:17.400 the medium of podcasting.

00:12:18.860 Very quickly,

00:12:19.660 I realized,

00:12:20.280 man,

00:12:20.780 this is a great medium.

00:12:22.000 This is a great way

00:12:22.660 for me to connect.

00:12:23.480 It's a great way

00:12:24.040 for me to flesh out ideas.

00:12:26.880 And I realized

00:12:28.120 very quickly

00:12:28.720 that I wanted to podcast,

00:12:30.100 but I didn't want to continue

00:12:31.240 to have that conversation.

00:12:32.620 And here's how I knew.

00:12:34.480 I remember

00:12:35.320 I got a phone call

00:12:36.520 from a client,

00:12:37.660 and I didn't answer it.

00:12:41.540 Deliberately,

00:12:42.180 I didn't answer it.

00:12:43.440 I saw it ringing.

00:12:44.300 I had the time,

00:12:44.960 but I didn't answer it.

00:12:47.160 And after the person hung up,

00:12:50.340 and they were leaving me

00:12:51.540 a voicemail,

00:12:52.460 I just remember going,

00:12:54.380 this person's going to want

00:12:58.160 to rebalance their portfolio,

00:12:59.740 and they're going to want

00:13:01.500 to talk about their investments.

00:13:03.080 And I just don't want to.

00:13:06.500 And it had nothing

00:13:07.420 to do with the person.

00:13:08.600 I actually really liked

00:13:09.840 that client.

00:13:11.120 We're still in contact today

00:13:12.860 over 10 years later.

00:13:14.580 It had nothing

00:13:15.420 to do with them at all.

00:13:16.420 It had everything

00:13:17.120 to do with the work.

00:13:18.740 And after I saw

00:13:20.340 that the person

00:13:20.920 had left a voicemail,

00:13:22.360 I remember thinking,

00:13:24.400 I just do not.

00:13:26.140 They're going to talk

00:13:27.240 about things

00:13:27.720 I'm not interested in.

00:13:28.740 I just do not want

00:13:30.500 to continue

00:13:30.960 to have that conversation.

00:13:32.000 And I also thought,

00:13:33.260 I'm really doing

00:13:34.620 this person a disservice

00:13:35.740 because I'm a fiduciary

00:13:37.400 with my licensing

00:13:38.740 and the things that I had.

00:13:39.640 I'm a fiduciary,

00:13:40.400 which means that

00:13:40.960 I have a,

00:13:42.340 a,

00:13:43.280 not only a moral

00:13:43.820 and ethical,

00:13:44.300 but also a legal

00:13:45.520 responsibility

00:13:46.480 to operate

00:13:47.860 in my client's

00:13:49.080 best interest.

00:13:49.880 And when I saw

00:13:51.240 that phone call

00:13:51.900 and didn't answer it

00:13:52.900 and made that noise,

00:13:54.080 I knew I was failing

00:13:57.300 my duties as a fiduciary.

00:13:59.880 And so I pivoted

00:14:00.960 and I,

00:14:01.860 I did the financial

00:14:02.680 planning thing

00:14:03.240 for another six

00:14:03.840 to eight months

00:14:04.320 while I was building

00:14:04.920 up order of man,

00:14:05.900 but I pivoted

00:14:06.620 over to order of man

00:14:07.800 and I haven't looked

00:14:08.680 back since.

00:14:09.320 And I haven't not

00:14:10.060 had that feeling

00:14:10.940 about the work

00:14:12.280 that we do here.

00:14:13.280 Now I have days

00:14:14.280 where I'm like,

00:14:14.720 oh,

00:14:15.880 but it's not

00:14:16.860 about the work.

00:14:17.660 It's just about

00:14:18.320 my energy level

00:14:19.300 or some aspect

00:14:20.380 of the work,

00:14:21.000 but not the deep

00:14:21.580 significant meaning

00:14:22.400 of the work.

00:14:23.440 So ask yourself,

00:14:25.020 is it still

00:14:27.040 lighting a fire for me?

00:14:28.620 Is it still interesting?

00:14:30.040 Is it still engaging?

00:14:31.120 Is it still challenging?

00:14:32.880 And if it is,

00:14:34.220 then it's likely

00:14:35.180 that the only reason

00:14:36.360 you're feeling

00:14:36.960 the way you might

00:14:37.740 be feeling

00:14:38.220 is because it's hard.

00:14:40.780 And that's

00:14:41.440 a separate conversation

00:14:42.500 that we can certainly

00:14:43.200 talk about,

00:14:43.980 but that's the distinction

00:14:44.940 for me.

00:14:45.420 I was listening

00:14:46.300 to Jordan Peterson

00:14:47.020 years ago

00:14:47.780 and one of the things

00:14:49.140 that he calls out

00:14:50.260 as like a potential

00:14:51.220 red flag to ask yourself

00:14:52.640 is does the pivot

00:14:54.120 allow things to be easier?

00:14:56.960 Like is it an easier path

00:14:58.760 or is it in line

00:15:00.120 with the outcome

00:15:01.060 that I'm seeking?

00:15:02.500 And in some cases,

00:15:03.820 our pivots might

00:15:04.540 actually make things

00:15:05.560 a little bit easier,

00:15:06.360 but that's just one thing

00:15:07.740 to look at, Eric,

00:15:08.560 is to make sure

00:15:09.320 that this change

00:15:10.380 isn't a change

00:15:11.520 just to be easy.

00:15:12.820 So make sure

00:15:13.480 that the pivot

00:15:14.120 is equally as challenging

00:15:15.760 and then that ensures

00:15:17.320 that you're not doing it

00:15:18.120 because it's easier

00:15:19.680 or you're trying

00:15:20.680 to avoid discomfort.

00:15:23.020 I think that's

00:15:23.780 a great question.

00:15:25.760 Another good question

00:15:27.020 would be

00:15:27.780 what is the ultimate

00:15:30.940 objective of this pivot?

00:15:33.360 I think if you get

00:15:34.280 to the root of the matter.

00:15:35.160 What's the why behind it?

00:15:35.680 Yeah.

00:15:36.040 Yeah.

00:15:36.580 Is it to make more money?

00:15:38.100 Is it to,

00:15:39.140 like you said,

00:15:39.740 to make it easier?

00:15:41.540 Is it to feel

00:15:43.480 more proud

00:15:46.240 of the work you do?

00:15:47.100 I think that would be

00:15:47.800 a good question to ask.

00:15:49.760 What is it?

00:15:50.520 What is the reason

00:15:51.420 behind your pivot?

00:15:52.440 And if you can get

00:15:53.020 crystal clear about that,

00:15:54.240 then that makes some sense.

00:15:55.800 But if you can't,

00:15:57.120 then you might just be

00:15:58.020 trying to make it

00:15:58.600 easier on yourself.

00:16:00.520 Yeah.

00:16:01.040 You know,

00:16:01.480 I just have one more

00:16:02.280 thought for Eric.

00:16:03.260 When I,

00:16:03.780 I'm reading this question

00:16:04.960 right here and says

00:16:05.620 closing a chapter.

00:16:07.780 You know,

00:16:08.320 one thing that just

00:16:09.080 comes to mind,

00:16:09.780 whatever chapter

00:16:11.300 you're closing,

00:16:12.420 make sure it's complete.

00:16:15.760 That it's not unfinished,

00:16:17.140 that it's unresolved

00:16:18.580 to some extent.

00:16:19.740 Does it make sense?

00:16:20.800 Right?

00:16:21.060 I don't know

00:16:22.100 what other language

00:16:22.860 to put on it,

00:16:23.900 but sometimes

00:16:24.800 we'll close chapters

00:16:25.760 as a form of avoidance

00:16:27.620 or running away from it.

00:16:29.620 And ironically,

00:16:30.600 when we do that,

00:16:31.520 we actually drag it

00:16:32.520 along with us.

00:16:33.380 You know,

00:16:33.900 it ends up becoming

00:16:34.540 this tool that we bring

00:16:35.580 into the present

00:16:36.300 to prove something

00:16:37.480 about our past

00:16:38.420 or whatever.

00:16:38.860 So have a healthy

00:16:40.220 relationship

00:16:40.980 with that chapter

00:16:42.460 that you're closing

00:16:43.400 and making sure

00:16:45.020 that it's complete.

00:16:46.080 If you need to clean up

00:16:47.180 something,

00:16:47.580 clean up something.

00:16:48.380 If you need to,

00:16:49.540 you know what I mean,

00:16:50.340 own something,

00:16:51.140 own it,

00:16:51.580 and then move on.

00:16:52.600 But just make sure

00:16:53.260 you're not avoiding

00:16:54.340 something that you

00:16:56.160 don't want to address.

00:16:57.280 I think that's really well said

00:17:02.320 because so many people

00:17:03.340 just, you know,

00:17:04.240 burn the boats

00:17:05.260 or burn all the bridges

00:17:06.460 on the way out.

00:17:07.860 And it's just not

00:17:09.880 a good way to do it,

00:17:10.900 you know,

00:17:11.200 and I think it's important

00:17:13.280 that you close that out.

00:17:14.160 Not only is it good for you,

00:17:16.020 but it's also respectful

00:17:17.080 to the other people

00:17:18.020 who are going to be impacted

00:17:19.040 by decisions you're making.

00:17:20.360 And I think we have

00:17:21.400 some responsibility in that.

00:17:23.120 So I think that's well said.

00:17:24.700 All right,

00:17:27.140 next question, Matt.

00:17:28.640 Matt,

00:17:29.220 I know Matt really well

00:17:30.600 and I actually don't know

00:17:31.640 how to pronounce his name.

00:17:33.540 Matt Muccini?

00:17:36.040 Mutusi?

00:17:37.020 Matt Mutusi?

00:17:38.460 That's what I'm going with.

00:17:39.600 It sounds,

00:17:40.260 it's ironic,

00:17:41.340 it sounds Polynesian

00:17:42.540 and Matt is not Polynesian.

00:17:44.360 So I'm probably

00:17:45.500 slaughtering the last name.

00:17:47.000 I mean,

00:17:47.340 we have a good friend,

00:17:48.380 Sean Villalovos,

00:17:49.560 who is half Mexican,

00:17:52.120 but he could basically

00:17:53.180 be my twin brother.

00:17:54.700 So it's very interesting.

00:17:57.040 That's a really good point.

00:17:58.340 Yeah, yeah.

00:17:58.880 Maybe Matt is Poly.

00:18:00.240 Yeah.

00:18:00.760 All right.

00:18:01.520 When feeling in it,

00:18:03.040 and I love this

00:18:03.960 because I use this term a lot,

00:18:06.320 when feeling in it

00:18:07.840 or on the cusp of burnout,

00:18:10.120 how do you do,

00:18:11.180 what do you do

00:18:12.800 with your battle plans?

00:18:14.360 How do you reframe

00:18:15.400 your identity

00:18:15.960 if you need to,

00:18:17.120 to pull back

00:18:18.060 and maintain

00:18:18.620 instead of a fully

00:18:19.720 charging forward

00:18:20.780 for the season?

00:18:21.760 Yeah,

00:18:25.400 I think the mindset

00:18:26.540 that you need to have

00:18:27.540 is that you can't

00:18:28.500 sprint a marathon.

00:18:31.860 And if you try

00:18:33.280 to sprint a marathon,

00:18:34.580 you're going to look

00:18:35.380 like a superhero

00:18:36.720 out of the gate

00:18:37.820 and then about

00:18:39.720 a quarter of a mile

00:18:41.260 into it,

00:18:42.300 maybe half a mile,

00:18:43.320 maybe even a mile,

00:18:44.360 you're going to look

00:18:45.700 like a schmuck

00:18:47.060 because you are.

00:18:48.220 Because you took

00:18:50.820 the wrong strategy

00:18:51.940 and you ran

00:18:53.080 the wrong race.

00:18:54.460 Now, sprinting

00:18:55.140 is great

00:18:55.760 for a sprint.

00:18:58.100 Pacing yourself

00:18:59.000 is great

00:18:59.520 for a marathon,

00:19:00.400 but if you pace yourself

00:19:01.440 in a sprint,

00:19:02.100 you're going to lose.

00:19:02.900 If you sprint

00:19:03.400 in a marathon,

00:19:04.060 you're going to lose.

00:19:05.780 And that's what

00:19:06.680 you need to understand.

00:19:07.860 Does the work

00:19:09.460 that I'm doing

00:19:11.640 right now

00:19:12.420 require

00:19:13.140 a marathon's pace

00:19:14.700 or does it require

00:19:15.760 a sprint?

00:19:16.260 So a sprint

00:19:17.820 might be

00:19:18.620 a big project

00:19:20.100 or deadline

00:19:20.800 at work.

00:19:22.500 It might be

00:19:23.640 that you're dealing

00:19:24.520 with a medical condition,

00:19:26.680 maybe an injury,

00:19:27.520 and you need

00:19:29.080 to bust your tail

00:19:30.520 on recovery

00:19:31.800 so that you can

00:19:33.200 get back in the game.

00:19:35.220 Maybe it's that

00:19:36.880 you're having

00:19:37.600 a difficult relationship

00:19:39.100 with your wife

00:19:41.460 or one of your children

00:19:42.880 and it requires

00:19:44.000 immediate attention

00:19:45.480 and that might

00:19:46.060 be a sprint.

00:19:47.780 A marathon

00:19:48.660 might be

00:19:49.480 I want to

00:19:51.200 excel in my career

00:19:52.640 and add value.

00:19:54.920 I want to learn

00:19:55.720 how to invest

00:19:56.740 in real estate

00:19:57.920 or the stock market.

00:19:59.600 I want to have

00:20:00.580 a happy,

00:20:01.320 long-term,

00:20:02.040 thriving marriage.

00:20:03.420 Those are

00:20:03.880 marathon activities.

00:20:05.960 And so I would

00:20:06.420 ask yourself,

00:20:07.480 are you sprinting

00:20:09.360 right now

00:20:09.860 and that's what's

00:20:10.460 required of you

00:20:11.240 or should you be

00:20:12.260 looking at it

00:20:12.800 differently?

00:20:13.100 and I have

00:20:16.220 this thought

00:20:16.780 often

00:20:17.920 and I hear

00:20:19.420 people on social

00:20:20.220 media talk about

00:20:21.000 this all the time

00:20:21.740 and they'll say,

00:20:22.280 you know,

00:20:22.980 even if they don't

00:20:23.740 say it overtly,

00:20:25.540 what they allude to

00:20:26.760 is that when things

00:20:27.980 are harder,

00:20:28.720 it counts more.

00:20:31.100 If it's more painful,

00:20:32.680 it counts more.

00:20:33.480 If it's harder,

00:20:34.220 it counts more.

00:20:35.540 Well,

00:20:35.900 if I ran over

00:20:36.800 to this wall

00:20:37.540 next to me

00:20:38.520 and I just started

00:20:39.320 banging my head

00:20:40.280 against the wall,

00:20:41.260 I think we would

00:20:41.940 all admit

00:20:42.540 that that is

00:20:43.820 uncomfortable,

00:20:45.880 that that's painful,

00:20:47.500 that that might

00:20:48.260 actually cause me

00:20:49.100 brain damage.

00:20:51.400 But why am I

00:20:52.660 doing that?

00:20:53.780 No reason?

00:20:54.760 Okay,

00:20:55.060 then that's just

00:20:55.700 stupid.

00:20:57.060 It doesn't count

00:20:57.880 more if it's hard

00:20:59.800 just for the sake

00:21:00.640 of being hard.

00:21:02.480 What counts

00:21:03.440 is that you're

00:21:04.060 doing the work

00:21:04.800 required to produce

00:21:05.960 the desired result.

00:21:08.020 So Matt,

00:21:08.420 I think you ought

00:21:08.900 to ask yourself,

00:21:09.740 am I banging

00:21:10.580 my head

00:21:11.020 against the wall

00:21:11.660 unnecessarily

00:21:12.620 because I

00:21:14.080 attach some

00:21:15.140 virtue

00:21:15.700 to my effort?

00:21:17.820 Well,

00:21:18.020 if your effort

00:21:18.500 doesn't produce

00:21:19.320 anything,

00:21:19.660 then it's not

00:21:20.300 virtuous.

00:21:21.060 It's antithetical

00:21:22.340 to virtue.

00:21:23.380 It's the lack

00:21:24.200 of wisdom.

00:21:25.720 So,

00:21:26.580 never be ashamed

00:21:28.260 or afraid

00:21:29.160 or anything

00:21:30.020 to change up

00:21:30.900 your battle plan

00:21:31.740 if the situation

00:21:33.260 calls for it.

00:21:35.060 You know,

00:21:35.540 I've got my battle

00:21:36.240 plan and I've got

00:21:37.040 the four areas

00:21:37.800 of work that I'm

00:21:38.460 doing and if

00:21:39.140 something happens

00:21:40.320 where I need

00:21:41.060 to pivot,

00:21:41.620 then I will.

00:21:42.420 I'll put less

00:21:43.140 emphasis on

00:21:44.560 the physical

00:21:45.580 realm and more

00:21:46.940 into the spiritual

00:21:47.580 or less into

00:21:49.400 my career

00:21:50.180 and more into

00:21:51.240 relationships

00:21:51.980 because that's

00:21:52.980 what's required

00:21:53.600 of men.

00:21:54.640 And it's our

00:21:55.160 job to be able

00:21:55.900 to evaluate

00:21:56.640 the environment

00:21:57.420 and ask ourselves,

00:21:58.760 what is it that's

00:21:59.520 needed from me

00:22:00.160 in this moment?

00:22:02.120 Do I need to

00:22:02.900 double down?

00:22:03.460 Do I need to

00:22:03.860 dig in my heels?

00:22:04.680 Do I need to

00:22:05.080 go hard?

00:22:05.580 Do I need to

00:22:05.940 communicate with

00:22:06.500 other people

00:22:06.980 that I'm going

00:22:07.360 to be not

00:22:07.700 available for a bit?

00:22:09.480 Or do I need

00:22:10.280 to scale back

00:22:11.040 and pursue

00:22:11.600 something different?

00:22:12.340 And you can do

00:22:12.980 that at the end

00:22:13.740 of a quarter,

00:22:14.280 the beginning

00:22:14.700 of the quarter,

00:22:15.340 the middle

00:22:15.640 of the quarter,

00:22:16.200 or anywhere

00:22:17.040 you damn well

00:22:17.700 please if that's

00:22:19.260 what's required

00:22:19.840 of you to produce

00:22:20.800 the results

00:22:21.280 that you want.

00:22:21.920 I love it, man.

00:22:26.800 Nothing to add.

00:22:28.080 I mean, he does

00:22:28.740 say maintain.

00:22:30.960 I don't, I would

00:22:32.520 be careful with

00:22:33.580 the maintain.

00:22:34.760 I think we need

00:22:35.580 to be like, am I

00:22:36.580 progressing?

00:22:38.560 But standing on

00:22:40.040 the trail and not

00:22:40.800 running at all,

00:22:41.880 that's different,

00:22:43.520 right?

00:22:43.800 So like, keep a

00:22:45.000 pace, look to

00:22:46.460 improve constantly,

00:22:47.800 maintain, you know,

00:22:49.340 just be mindful

00:22:50.200 that you're not

00:22:50.740 just, oh, I have

00:22:52.080 this battle plan,

00:22:53.040 it's, I'm playing

00:22:53.900 it so easy that

00:22:54.820 everything's a

00:22:55.420 no-brainer and I

00:22:56.140 just get them

00:22:56.620 done and I'm not

00:22:58.040 progressing as much

00:22:59.040 either, right?

00:22:59.800 So just be mindful

00:23:00.720 of that.

00:23:01.060 You know that, Matt.

00:23:01.780 So just, yeah, be

00:23:03.900 careful from that

00:23:04.720 perspective.

00:23:08.120 All right, let's

00:23:08.940 hop over to

00:23:09.380 Facebook.

00:23:10.300 Yeah.

00:23:10.740 Also, though, you

00:23:11.580 might need, oh,

00:23:13.460 sorry, we got a

00:23:13.940 little delay.

00:23:14.460 Also, though, Kip,

00:23:15.260 you might need to

00:23:15.980 maintain at certain

00:23:17.120 points in your life

00:23:18.020 with certain things.

00:23:19.600 Like I said, if

00:23:20.380 you're going hard in

00:23:21.160 your career right

00:23:21.860 now, then in one

00:23:22.880 area, physical realm,

00:23:23.600 you may need to

00:23:24.720 maintain a little

00:23:25.860 bit and that may

00:23:27.720 take a seat back

00:23:28.740 relative to the

00:23:30.540 work you're doing

00:23:31.160 in your career

00:23:32.480 aspirations.

00:23:33.480 But don't ever

00:23:34.040 lose ground, I

00:23:35.620 think.

00:23:35.880 Don't ever fall

00:23:36.680 behind.

00:23:37.960 Do the things that

00:23:38.680 are required, even

00:23:39.480 if it is just the

00:23:40.420 bare minimum in

00:23:41.280 certain aspects of

00:23:41.960 your life because

00:23:42.660 you're going hard in

00:23:44.380 another aspect of

00:23:45.200 your life.

00:23:45.720 But if you are

00:23:46.380 maintaining, you

00:23:47.100 better be going

00:23:47.620 hard somewhere.

00:23:48.820 And some guys

00:23:49.420 will be like, I'm

00:23:49.820 maintaining everything.

00:23:50.760 Well, that's not

00:23:51.440 how you're meant to

00:23:52.040 live.

00:23:52.620 And you know that.

00:23:53.740 Yeah.

00:23:54.380 Yeah.

00:23:54.900 Good point.

00:23:55.580 Good point.

00:23:56.560 All right.

00:23:56.900 Damon Matthews, how

00:23:58.380 to come to the

00:23:59.060 terms with losing

00:24:00.100 your father,

00:24:00.820 to a long-term

00:24:01.920 terminal illness?

00:24:05.340 Hmm.

00:24:07.980 I mean, I guess I

00:24:09.440 would ask what does

00:24:10.580 coming to terms with

00:24:11.860 mean?

00:24:12.780 You know, obviously

00:24:13.400 you acknowledge that

00:24:14.200 he's passed away.

00:24:15.080 I don't know what he

00:24:21.060 means by that.

00:24:24.440 I'm trying to think

00:24:25.360 about my own

00:24:26.360 situation.

00:24:28.600 Let me offer you a

00:24:29.880 little bit of a story

00:24:30.660 here in my own life.

00:24:32.260 And I don't know how

00:24:32.760 public I've been about

00:24:33.600 this, but years and

00:24:35.620 years ago, my father

00:24:37.020 passed away.

00:24:38.820 And my mom had

00:24:41.080 called me and she

00:24:41.780 said, hey, your dad's

00:24:43.400 in the hospital.

00:24:44.560 He had a heart

00:24:45.800 attack and he had a

00:24:46.900 heart attack before.

00:24:48.360 And I brushed it off

00:24:50.520 a little bit.

00:24:50.900 I said, ah, he'll be

00:24:51.500 fine.

00:24:51.960 He'll be fine.

00:24:53.180 And I waited a day or

00:24:54.300 two and she called me

00:24:55.260 and she said, hey, I

00:24:56.080 really think.

00:24:56.720 And by the way, my mom

00:24:57.500 and him were, had been

00:24:58.360 divorced for a very

00:24:59.400 long time, but she had

00:25:00.320 just found out.

00:25:00.980 And, um, she said,

00:25:02.800 no, I really, he's,

00:25:03.700 he's struggling.

00:25:04.520 Like he's really

00:25:05.540 struggling.

00:25:06.040 It's not going well.

00:25:07.180 I think you need to

00:25:07.780 visit him.

00:25:08.380 I'm like, no, no, no,

00:25:09.020 no, no, I'll be fine.

00:25:11.440 And then she called me

00:25:12.500 and she said, Hey, a

00:25:14.140 day or two later, Hey,

00:25:15.140 no, you really need to

00:25:16.680 visit him.

00:25:17.180 His organs are shutting

00:25:18.400 down.

00:25:20.160 And I said, okay.

00:25:20.960 So I took me and my two

00:25:22.740 oldest boys and we drove

00:25:24.560 to California and we get

00:25:27.460 about

00:25:28.040 we get about a half an

00:25:35.840 hour out and she calls

00:25:38.800 me and she said, Hey,

00:25:39.420 where are you?

00:25:40.280 I said, I'm about 30

00:25:41.280 minutes away.

00:25:41.780 We're coming.

00:25:42.140 She said, great.

00:25:43.180 We'll, we'll see you when

00:25:44.020 you get here.

00:25:44.880 And I got to the hospital

00:25:46.120 and she came out and I

00:25:47.920 said, well, where's dad?

00:25:48.900 And she said, he passed

00:25:50.520 away

00:25:50.860 30 minutes ago.

00:25:56.060 And I went into his room

00:25:57.240 and I saw him.

00:25:58.040 And, you know, his

00:25:58.820 lifeless body and

00:25:59.920 man, that sucked because

00:26:06.040 I was, I was mad at

00:26:10.700 him, not for passing

00:26:12.660 away or leaving or

00:26:13.400 anything like that, but I

00:26:14.900 was mad at him, which is

00:26:15.800 why I didn't go see him

00:26:17.460 initially.

00:26:19.140 And there wasn't some

00:26:20.240 acute anger.

00:26:21.000 It was just a general

00:26:23.380 built up frustration with

00:26:24.920 our relationship over the

00:26:25.960 years.

00:26:26.280 And I don't know how

00:26:30.640 quickly I did, but I

00:26:31.980 forgave him for some

00:26:34.200 things that I thought he

00:26:36.020 could have done

00:26:36.420 differently.

00:26:36.800 And that, that was a big

00:26:41.060 way for me to come to

00:26:43.200 terms with it, for me to

00:26:44.820 acknowledge his

00:26:45.420 humanity.

00:26:48.620 And then also I began to

00:26:50.080 think about the good

00:26:53.320 things that he did.

00:26:55.260 You know, he, he was, he

00:26:56.800 was incredibly artistic.

00:26:58.220 He was incredibly gifted when

00:27:01.720 it came to communicating with

00:27:03.320 other people.

00:27:04.280 I, he, he, he loved other

00:27:06.520 people.

00:27:06.900 He was so social and people

00:27:08.240 loved him.

00:27:10.840 He worked hard.

00:27:11.800 He was funny.

00:27:12.340 He was hilarious.

00:27:14.920 And I let all the other

00:27:16.200 stuff, just him being a human

00:27:18.500 being cloud all of the things

00:27:21.580 that were good about him.

00:27:22.540 And I don't know how much he

00:27:25.800 taught me.

00:27:26.300 If I'm being honest, I, I

00:27:27.380 don't, I don't know.

00:27:28.360 I don't, I attribute a lot of

00:27:30.540 the good things about my life

00:27:32.140 and the things that I know to

00:27:33.000 my mom.

00:27:33.400 Um, but I do remember good

00:27:36.660 times and I try to focus on

00:27:38.280 those times.

00:27:39.200 And what I've told guys in the

00:27:40.800 past that are dealing with the

00:27:41.740 same thing that you're dealing

00:27:42.800 with is to, I think threefold.

00:27:45.020 Number one, acknowledge the

00:27:46.260 humanity.

00:27:49.220 He, he is your, your father was,

00:27:51.780 was different shades of gray.

00:27:53.940 He's excellent in some areas and

00:27:55.720 not excellent in others.

00:27:58.140 Um, forgive that's part two is

00:28:01.040 just acknowledge the humanity.

00:28:02.040 Part two is forgive what you

00:28:05.700 need to forgive.

00:28:06.320 Learn to let go of that.

00:28:07.820 If he slighted you in some way

00:28:09.320 or didn't show up, sounds like

00:28:10.500 you guys had probably a really

00:28:11.620 great relationship based on

00:28:12.820 what you're saying.

00:28:13.300 But if there are little

00:28:14.340 contentions, you don't need him

00:28:16.260 to be here in order to forgive

00:28:17.480 him.

00:28:17.760 You can do that without him

00:28:18.920 being here with you, with

00:28:20.040 you.

00:28:21.240 And then the third part of it is

00:28:23.620 to live your life in a way that

00:28:27.460 he would be proud to see you

00:28:29.100 living.

00:28:32.040 That he would be proud to call

00:28:34.040 you son.

00:28:36.040 And that when you see each

00:28:38.280 other again, he's going to tell

00:28:41.480 you that.

00:28:42.680 He's going to tell you how proud

00:28:43.940 he was of you.

00:28:45.600 And he's going to tell you how

00:28:47.540 good you did.

00:28:51.140 And it's going to be a good

00:28:54.660 reunion.

00:28:56.720 That's what I would say.

00:28:59.240 Again, acknowledge the

00:29:00.240 humanity, forgive where you can

00:29:01.940 live a life that he would be

00:29:03.520 proud to call you son.

00:29:04.820 One thought I have is on your

00:29:07.320 second step around forgiveness.

00:29:09.700 I think one of the most powerful

00:29:12.520 ways that I've learned to forgive

00:29:14.620 someone is to finish the thought

00:29:20.560 around whatever it is that the

00:29:24.100 forgiveness is tied to.

00:29:25.920 Like move to what I'm going to do

00:29:28.320 about it or what can I learn from

00:29:30.020 it?

00:29:30.180 That's one of the most powerful

00:29:31.220 ways to have a healthy

00:29:32.580 relationship with the past.

00:29:34.900 And so when I think, you know, for

00:29:36.460 Damon, I'm assuming this, right?

00:29:38.360 But Damon, like if there are upsets

00:29:40.620 around maybe your father or

00:29:42.780 unfinished business, complete the

00:29:45.680 thought, right?

00:29:46.480 It's like, man, I hated this.

00:29:47.960 Okay, got it.

00:29:49.020 So what can you learn from it?

00:29:52.880 What do you learn from it?

00:29:54.300 How do you become a better version

00:29:56.100 of yourself because of it?

00:29:58.440 And when we do that, when we grow,

00:30:01.080 forgiveness is actually more

00:30:02.240 possible.

00:30:03.180 I find this fascinating.

00:30:04.740 This is a little bit of a riff here.

00:30:06.040 But when you look at learning

00:30:08.220 theories, compare it to the

00:30:11.280 repentance and the forgiveness

00:30:12.660 process, they're almost similar

00:30:16.600 images.

00:30:17.780 It's the same process.

00:30:19.260 The process of repentance, the

00:30:22.080 process of forgiveness, and the

00:30:23.660 process of learning, they're all the

00:30:25.900 same.

00:30:27.220 So you want to repent really well

00:30:29.700 or you want to forgive really well,

00:30:31.620 learn.

00:30:33.220 Learn from it.

00:30:35.240 And find what is there for you to

00:30:37.720 learn and grow from.

00:30:38.840 And that lines up perfectly, Ryan,

00:30:40.480 learning with your third step is

00:30:41.540 like live in a way where your

00:30:43.340 father would be proud.

00:30:44.640 The way you do that is learning.

00:30:48.120 Yeah.

00:30:50.060 And I, you know, I think about, I

00:30:52.380 think about this, this concept of

00:30:54.400 being proud.

00:30:55.420 Some guys don't, they say they don't

00:30:57.220 care.

00:30:57.560 They say that I don't care if my dad

00:31:00.720 is proud of me.

00:31:02.220 First, I don't believe that.

00:31:03.460 I think there's so many men who have

00:31:04.800 a father built in.

00:31:06.360 Right.

00:31:07.140 Yeah.

00:31:07.600 And, and even if he doesn't, let's

00:31:11.780 say he doesn't, he doesn't care,

00:31:14.300 which might be true.

00:31:15.760 You can still envision what an ideal

00:31:23.520 father-son relationship would look

00:31:25.500 like.

00:31:26.920 And you could still say, man, if we

00:31:29.860 had an ideal relationship, here's what

00:31:32.240 it would look like.

00:31:32.820 And here's what he would be proud of.

00:31:34.460 And I'll tell you why that will serve

00:31:35.860 you because you can create that with

00:31:38.180 your son.

00:31:38.620 And you don't need to be contentious

00:31:42.840 or hold animosity or grudges or

00:31:45.700 hostility towards your father.

00:31:47.000 Even if he wasn't present, you can

00:31:49.980 actually be grateful that he wasn't

00:31:52.480 because it's, if you frame this

00:31:55.480 correctly, the way that we're telling

00:31:56.620 you to frame this.

00:31:57.860 And by the way, I don't believe this

00:31:59.320 is the case with this gentleman

00:32:00.980 asking the question.

00:32:02.940 But for those of you who have this

00:32:04.680 situation, you can be grateful that

00:32:07.360 he wasn't.

00:32:07.780 It's, it's that insight that's going

00:32:10.820 to cause you to become a better

00:32:12.260 father than he was.

00:32:13.460 And that's a lesson that you got to

00:32:15.380 learn from him.

00:32:17.480 And you can be grateful for that.

00:32:19.700 Now your son doesn't have to go

00:32:21.420 through that or your daughter doesn't

00:32:22.700 have to deal with what you did.

00:32:24.120 And it became partly possible because

00:32:27.480 of the way that he did not show up

00:32:29.480 for you.

00:32:31.300 But you have to frame it right.

00:32:32.520 We talk about framing all the time.

00:32:34.240 Reframing.

00:32:34.860 Crucial.

00:32:35.220 So yeah, absolutely.

00:32:38.360 Ryan, you had some questions from last

00:32:40.620 week.

00:32:41.200 I do.

00:32:41.960 So we've got a couple from Facebook.

00:32:44.340 So one of them is from Alexander

00:32:47.480 McCarthy.

00:32:48.540 He says, I know this is late, but my

00:32:50.680 question would be, why do you think

00:32:52.480 there are so many grown men in this

00:32:54.640 group?

00:32:54.960 So this is in our Facebook group.

00:32:56.200 And you know, when it's why there's so

00:32:59.400 many grown men that the question is, is

00:33:01.200 not going to be a favorable one.

00:33:03.520 He says, why are there so many grown

00:33:06.260 men in this group who either seek what I

00:33:08.400 see as obvious advice or validation

00:33:11.300 relating to their wife, leaving, cheating,

00:33:14.760 divorcing, et cetera.

00:33:17.140 So I asked the question, Kip, I'll give you

00:33:19.700 the right first answer.

00:33:21.760 Yeah, so I love this is a great question

00:33:25.420 and I'm going to answer it indirectly a

00:33:27.220 little bit.

00:33:28.460 So for years I've done IT consulting

00:33:32.140 and for over 20 years I have constantly

00:33:37.080 had clients come to us and ask us to do

00:33:41.900 things that I think they know how to do.

00:33:44.200 What is it then?

00:33:48.120 What's the psychology that says we want

00:33:50.240 to hire professionals to do it versus us

00:33:52.800 figure it out on our own?

00:33:55.000 And the reason is they're outsourcing the

00:33:58.280 discomfort of the decision or the stress

00:34:01.540 of it.

00:34:02.140 It's the same reason why sometimes we know

00:34:04.400 exactly how we should eat.

00:34:05.900 We know what we should probably do from an

00:34:07.940 exercise perspective.

00:34:08.940 And what do we do?

00:34:09.680 We go to the doctor.

00:34:10.800 Why?

00:34:11.780 Because they give us validation.

00:34:13.120 They confirm with us.

00:34:14.980 And then if I do what Ryan told me to do

00:34:18.020 and it fails, whose fault is it?

00:34:20.660 It's their fault.

00:34:21.780 Kind of Ryan's.

00:34:22.940 Yeah, not mine.

00:34:24.540 And so this is why we seek advice sometimes.

00:34:28.400 And I love this distinction from a business

00:34:31.180 perspective because it helps me realize

00:34:33.060 that what is it that I'm really selling

00:34:35.660 as a business consultant?

00:34:39.820 I'm selling confidence.

00:34:41.620 I'm selling outsource of the stress of the

00:34:44.620 decision more than I am the actual technology

00:34:47.740 that we're implementing.

00:34:48.780 So that's insightful for me from a business

00:34:51.780 perspective.

00:34:52.580 Now, to his question, why do you think guys

00:34:56.040 seek validation externally?

00:34:58.320 Because they don't want to take full responsibility

00:35:01.020 for it.

00:35:02.160 They're seeking some type of validation that

00:35:04.120 they're correct, right?

00:35:05.180 Or maybe even hoping that the music

00:35:09.420 that I'm being forced to face,

00:35:11.680 I don't want to face it, right?

00:35:13.600 And I'm hoping Ryan's going to swoop in and go,

00:35:15.780 no, no, dude, you're fine.

00:35:17.520 You know, not, you know.

00:35:18.600 So we're just, it's a form of validation

00:35:20.440 and confidence and certainty

00:35:21.940 in how we're feeling and or the decision

00:35:24.680 that we're avoiding or looking to make.

00:35:27.760 Yeah.

00:35:28.060 I mean, when you said outsourcing discomfort,

00:35:32.620 the immediate thing came to me was,

00:35:34.840 I don't know if it's as much discomfort

00:35:36.400 as it is responsibility.

00:35:37.580 And then you backfilled it with responsibility.

00:35:40.060 And we do that all the time, right?

00:35:43.620 Totally.

00:35:44.100 We make things more complicated

00:35:46.520 in our own minds often than they are

00:35:49.060 because if it's complicated,

00:35:50.640 then we have an excuse not to do it, right?

00:35:52.900 And so somebody might say,

00:35:54.460 well, you know, the way to be healthy

00:35:57.120 is to eat clean and train hard.

00:36:00.940 Well, you know, it's not always that easy.

00:36:03.340 And some people this and some people that.

00:36:05.720 It is that easy.

00:36:06.720 It's that simple.

00:36:08.480 There's no health advice in the history of humankind

00:36:13.880 that has ever deviated from eating better

00:36:17.180 and training better.

00:36:19.160 Nothing.

00:36:19.880 It all falls into one of those two things.

00:36:22.080 Now, there's a lot of different ways to do it.

00:36:23.440 I'll give you that.

00:36:24.480 But that's what it boils down to.

00:36:26.820 And if you just acknowledge that,

00:36:29.080 then you'll be better.

00:36:31.800 You won't be more comfortable,

00:36:33.260 but you'll be better off.

00:36:34.940 So I do believe that

00:36:36.300 it's your outsourcing responsibility.

00:36:40.280 Jack Donovan made a post the other day

00:36:42.400 about men's work

00:36:45.000 and how everybody's looking for a quick fix

00:36:47.180 and easy course and an ebook and a program.

00:36:49.820 And it's funny because we offer those things, right?

00:36:52.080 But he had some really good points.

00:36:54.380 And he does too.

00:36:55.460 And he does too, right?

00:36:56.760 So like we all offer these things.

00:36:59.100 And so we can poke at it, but we still do it.

00:37:03.540 And, but he said something interesting.

00:37:05.140 He said, you know, philosophers,

00:37:08.120 what they'll do is they will offer advice

00:37:13.820 as far as like, this is what's helped me

00:37:15.740 or here's some questions to consider.

00:37:17.360 But at the end of the day,

00:37:18.480 and I think this is what he said,

00:37:19.480 I'm paraphrasing is that you're a man,

00:37:21.360 figure it out.

00:37:23.480 And I agree with that.

00:37:25.280 So here was my thought

00:37:26.600 as I read that post that he had made.

00:37:28.040 And I think about this question.

00:37:29.340 I think about every guy

00:37:30.080 that's ever asked a question

00:37:31.020 or engaged with what we're doing

00:37:32.180 is to seek wise counsel,

00:37:36.360 but make your own decisions.

00:37:40.620 Yeah, that's it.

00:37:42.500 Seek wise counsel,

00:37:43.660 but make your own decisions.

00:37:44.900 And if you miss either part of that equation,

00:37:47.280 you're going to struggle.

00:37:48.600 If you do not seek wise counsel

00:37:50.460 because you think a man just figures it out on his own.

00:37:53.780 Yeah.

00:37:54.340 Then you're an idiot.

00:37:55.540 And you're going to find out really quickly

00:37:57.560 that you are inferior

00:37:59.740 to what you could be otherwise.

00:38:02.780 And if all you ever do is seek counsel,

00:38:04.920 but don't make your own decisions,

00:38:06.180 then somebody is going to take advantage of you.

00:38:09.900 Yeah.

00:38:11.020 Somebody is going to use you as a pawn in their game.

00:38:13.840 They're going to manipulate you.

00:38:15.100 They're going to gaslight you.

00:38:16.400 The grift as the people call it.

00:38:19.480 So seek wise counsel,

00:38:21.380 but make your own decisions.

00:38:23.120 But there is another part of that question, Kip.

00:38:24.860 And the other part of the question was

00:38:26.160 around specifically relating to their wife,

00:38:31.440 leaving, cheating, divorcing, et cetera.

00:38:35.020 The reason that that's such a heavy topic

00:38:37.280 is because we never learned

00:38:41.260 how to be good husbands.

00:38:45.520 We think about this.

00:38:47.960 Did you ever learn how to vet a woman?

00:38:54.260 Absolutely not.

00:38:55.860 I just thought if she was pretty

00:38:57.740 and we got along that,

00:38:58.940 that must be somebody who's for me.

00:39:02.640 So nobody learns how to vet women.

00:39:04.840 Did you ever learn

00:39:07.020 how to have difficult conversations

00:39:09.180 with a woman in your life?

00:39:12.320 Absolutely not.

00:39:13.340 In fact, I would say my...

00:39:14.480 Conflict management, conflict resolution.

00:39:16.900 Yeah.

00:39:17.400 I would say my understanding

00:39:18.700 of difficult conflict conversations

00:39:21.660 has grown more in the last five years

00:39:23.960 than I ever even knew before then.

00:39:27.680 I'm like, I mean,

00:39:28.160 I wish I knew this stuff a long time ago.

00:39:30.080 So yeah, we never learned as men

00:39:33.220 how to vet,

00:39:35.000 how to have difficult conversations.

00:39:38.540 Most of what we've been taught

00:39:40.140 throughout our lives,

00:39:42.180 most of it, frankly,

00:39:43.320 has been taught to us by women,

00:39:46.240 single mothers.

00:39:47.720 The education system

00:39:49.740 is comprised of nearly 75%

00:39:52.300 of educators are females.

00:39:54.340 So most of the men

00:39:57.480 in this country

00:39:58.140 who are now at marrying age,

00:40:00.740 quite a bit of them

00:40:02.640 were raised by a single mother

00:40:04.200 and all of them

00:40:05.820 were trained

00:40:07.160 for no less than 12 years

00:40:09.640 by their female school teachers

00:40:12.200 to what?

00:40:14.180 Be nice.

00:40:16.300 Be nice.

00:40:18.460 What is it?

00:40:19.280 Go along to get along.

00:40:20.840 Happy wife,

00:40:21.700 happy life.

00:40:23.380 You know,

00:40:23.600 put all her needs

00:40:24.480 and everything before your own.

00:40:28.100 Apologize quickly.

00:40:29.600 You know,

00:40:29.920 all these really toxic thoughts.

00:40:33.280 And by the way,

00:40:33.720 it's not even good for the wife.

00:40:35.360 It's not good for the woman

00:40:36.280 in your life

00:40:36.820 to be that way.

00:40:39.480 So now you got a bunch of guys

00:40:41.080 who are running around

00:40:41.840 being nice.

00:40:43.560 They're saying all the right things.

00:40:44.940 They're doing all the right things.

00:40:45.940 But in the meantime,

00:40:46.900 what they're doing

00:40:47.660 is they're losing

00:40:48.640 the attraction of their spouse.

00:40:50.060 They're losing the respect

00:40:52.620 of their wife.

00:40:54.240 They're not pursuing meaningful things.

00:40:56.900 They're not capable

00:40:57.840 in leading her

00:40:59.320 and their children

00:41:00.200 effectively and well.

00:41:02.680 And so we see

00:41:03.880 incidents of infidelity

00:41:05.660 because she's not interested.

00:41:07.760 Or even incidents of infidelity

00:41:10.320 on the men's side

00:41:11.360 because he's not getting

00:41:12.980 what he needs

00:41:13.780 from his wife.

00:41:14.680 So he's going to go

00:41:15.400 pursue something else

00:41:16.500 when he could have probably

00:41:17.600 had what he wanted

00:41:18.380 with his wife

00:41:19.220 if he would have been

00:41:20.400 assertive enough

00:41:21.160 to create the kind

00:41:23.420 of relationship

00:41:23.960 that he desires.

00:41:25.800 But he subdued it.

00:41:27.320 He hid it.

00:41:28.120 And he thinks

00:41:28.540 just pursuing somebody else

00:41:30.020 will create it.

00:41:32.100 And then

00:41:32.920 you couple that

00:41:34.940 with the

00:41:36.440 feminist ideology

00:41:39.400 of we don't need no man.

00:41:41.560 And that becomes pervasive.

00:41:44.580 And so women want to

00:41:45.880 now enter the workforce.

00:41:46.980 They want,

00:41:47.820 they don't need

00:41:48.680 the financial resources

00:41:50.200 that historically men

00:41:51.740 have provided.

00:41:52.800 And there's a lot of problems.

00:41:54.840 There's a lot of reasons

00:41:56.320 why marriages

00:41:57.500 are breaking down

00:41:58.360 at the rate

00:41:58.760 that they're breaking down.

00:42:01.060 And I'm familiar with that.

00:42:03.100 Kip, you're familiar with that.

00:42:04.480 Both of us have been

00:42:05.180 through a divorce

00:42:05.800 and it's not pleasant.

00:42:08.020 It's the darkest time

00:42:08.980 in a man's life.

00:42:09.600 But I do believe that

00:42:10.660 if we had been trained

00:42:12.180 more effectively

00:42:12.940 in vetting

00:42:14.020 and having difficult conversations

00:42:16.160 and expressing

00:42:18.200 what we want

00:42:19.160 out of relationships,

00:42:20.100 we would be

00:42:21.180 in fewer relationships,

00:42:22.540 but the relationships

00:42:23.980 that we are in

00:42:25.040 would be significant

00:42:26.080 and meaningful

00:42:26.780 relative to

00:42:28.180 not doing those things.

00:42:31.120 Yeah, absolutely.

00:42:32.860 Absolutely.

00:42:34.240 You know,

00:42:34.940 one thing I wanted to add,

00:42:36.080 Ryan,

00:42:36.340 he was talking about earlier,

00:42:38.080 you know,

00:42:38.360 we're talking about this idea

00:42:39.460 of you own,

00:42:40.380 don't outsource

00:42:41.180 the responsibility.

00:42:42.080 You mentioned

00:42:43.660 one of the drawbacks

00:42:44.420 is people might take

00:42:45.200 advantage of you.

00:42:46.280 The other drawback is

00:42:47.780 the performance

00:42:49.600 of your decision

00:42:50.840 drastically changes

00:42:52.300 when you take

00:42:53.520 full responsibility

00:42:54.620 for it.

00:42:56.020 There's a big difference

00:42:57.640 between me doing

00:42:59.160 what I think

00:42:59.980 I should be doing

00:43:00.860 based upon

00:43:01.780 what Ryan's,

00:43:03.440 what advice

00:43:04.140 you've given me

00:43:04.900 or the advice

00:43:05.460 I've gotten

00:43:05.860 from other friends

00:43:06.660 versus

00:43:08.080 I am going to

00:43:09.220 make this decision

00:43:10.220 and the decision

00:43:10.920 I'm making

00:43:11.520 I take full responsibility

00:43:12.780 for it

00:43:13.180 and if this doesn't work

00:43:14.520 that's on me

00:43:15.420 you will show up

00:43:17.560 drastically different

00:43:18.780 in those circumstances

00:43:19.840 than if you're

00:43:21.000 outsourcing

00:43:21.780 the responsibility

00:43:22.560 based upon

00:43:23.200 the advice

00:43:23.640 of others.

00:43:24.500 So,

00:43:25.100 your success rate

00:43:26.780 drastically goes up

00:43:28.320 as well

00:43:28.880 when you operate

00:43:30.000 from that perspective.

00:43:33.080 Well,

00:43:33.740 and Kip,

00:43:34.540 this is part

00:43:35.080 of the reason

00:43:35.540 why if you're

00:43:36.380 on the other side

00:43:37.260 of the table

00:43:37.720 if somebody's

00:43:38.320 asking you

00:43:38.960 for advice

00:43:39.580 this is part

00:43:40.860 of the reason

00:43:41.360 if you are

00:43:42.060 a real friend

00:43:42.900 of this individual

00:43:43.580 that you do

00:43:44.200 not give them

00:43:44.740 advice

00:43:45.180 because

00:43:49.320 they're going

00:43:50.080 to blame it

00:43:50.460 on you

00:43:50.680 if it goes

00:43:51.040 wrong.

00:43:51.640 You're not

00:43:52.180 doing any

00:43:52.880 favors for them

00:43:53.760 and so we see

00:43:55.240 this all the time

00:43:55.740 in the Facebook

00:43:56.200 group.

00:43:57.020 A guy will post

00:43:58.120 something about

00:43:59.360 his wife

00:44:00.060 or his job

00:44:00.680 or his relationship

00:44:01.420 or whatever

00:44:01.820 and Captain America

00:44:04.460 is all of them

00:44:05.360 fly in like,

00:44:06.240 oh,

00:44:06.380 do this,

00:44:06.880 do that.

00:44:07.140 I'm like,

00:44:07.320 well,

00:44:07.460 hold on,

00:44:07.780 hold on.

00:44:08.500 So we heard

00:44:09.160 one paragraph

00:44:10.060 of this guy's

00:44:11.340 life of 40

00:44:12.800 years of his

00:44:14.180 life and I

00:44:16.880 think we all

00:44:18.020 if we're trying

00:44:19.000 to offer advice

00:44:19.780 and that and we

00:44:20.340 are trying to do

00:44:21.040 that by the way,

00:44:21.620 I think our

00:44:22.060 intentions are good.

00:44:23.120 We want to help

00:44:23.680 people.

00:44:25.000 It doesn't help

00:44:25.920 and I'm guilty

00:44:27.580 of this too.

00:44:28.160 I think a better,

00:44:29.340 I mean,

00:44:29.580 we're doing it now

00:44:30.380 but we're being

00:44:31.240 asked for advice

00:44:32.160 but I think a

00:44:33.680 better solution,

00:44:35.260 especially in these

00:44:35.900 one-to-one

00:44:36.400 arrangements is to

00:44:37.580 just ask questions.

00:44:39.900 Let's figure out,

00:44:40.780 let's dive a little

00:44:41.400 deeper,

00:44:41.900 let's go a little

00:44:42.800 deeper,

00:44:43.200 let's understand a

00:44:44.060 little bit more

00:44:44.560 before we start

00:44:45.220 offering advice

00:44:45.860 and even when we

00:44:46.940 offer advice

00:44:47.520 and I've even

00:44:48.380 done this with

00:44:49.000 you,

00:44:49.300 Kip,

00:44:50.300 you know,

00:44:50.560 we've had

00:44:50.880 conversations over

00:44:51.900 10 years,

00:44:52.860 things that you

00:44:53.380 need counsel on,

00:44:54.160 things I need

00:44:54.660 counsel on

00:44:55.300 and I hope,

00:44:57.660 at least I tried

00:44:58.280 to,

00:44:58.580 even when I

00:44:59.100 offer advice,

00:45:00.300 it comes from

00:45:01.400 the perspective

00:45:01.960 of,

00:45:02.800 hey,

00:45:02.920 look,

00:45:03.100 if I was

00:45:04.580 in your

00:45:04.960 shoes,

00:45:05.660 I think this

00:45:07.020 is what I

00:45:07.480 would try to

00:45:07.880 be doing

00:45:08.180 right now

00:45:08.700 and then

00:45:12.440 allowing you

00:45:13.460 or vice

00:45:14.020 versa to

00:45:14.740 make our

00:45:15.300 own decisions

00:45:15.900 because that's

00:45:16.620 where the real

00:45:17.020 growth and

00:45:17.420 progress comes

00:45:18.000 from.

00:45:19.360 Totally,

00:45:20.040 and I think

00:45:20.500 that's the

00:45:20.920 key.

00:45:21.500 If you want

00:45:22.400 someone to

00:45:23.000 learn and

00:45:23.500 grow,

00:45:24.300 not be

00:45:24.760 compliant to

00:45:25.480 your advice

00:45:26.000 but learn

00:45:26.460 and grow,

00:45:27.940 them coming

00:45:28.580 to the

00:45:28.920 conclusion on

00:45:29.840 their own

00:45:30.420 will always

00:45:31.720 outwin

00:45:32.340 them just

00:45:34.060 doing what

00:45:34.620 you've been

00:45:35.040 told,

00:45:35.420 right?

00:45:35.620 And this

00:45:35.920 is transcendent.

00:45:36.700 I mean,

00:45:36.880 we could riff

00:45:37.980 on this as

00:45:39.040 a leadership

00:45:39.480 principle,

00:45:40.440 on a learning

00:45:41.500 and teaching

00:45:42.180 your children

00:45:42.740 principle.

00:45:43.600 It's like,

00:45:44.040 don't tell

00:45:44.760 your kids

00:45:45.120 what to do,

00:45:46.240 clarify the

00:45:46.780 outcome,

00:45:47.540 and let them

00:45:48.500 figure it out.

00:45:49.860 That's how we

00:45:51.320 grow, right?

00:45:52.080 So,

00:45:52.880 yeah,

00:45:53.220 it's spot on.

00:45:54.360 What other

00:45:54.680 question do you

00:45:55.160 have?

00:45:55.420 Or do you

00:45:55.660 have time

00:45:55.940 for one more?

00:45:56.900 Yeah,

00:45:57.080 I do.

00:45:57.540 So the next

00:45:58.440 one here,

00:45:58.940 I was pulling

00:45:59.400 up my

00:46:00.120 Audible

00:46:00.500 list here,

00:46:01.560 is what's

00:46:03.240 the most

00:46:03.640 impactful book

00:46:04.580 that you've

00:46:05.100 read this

00:46:05.600 year?

00:46:06.820 A couple

00:46:07.540 of things.

00:46:08.420 So I've

00:46:10.000 really been

00:46:10.360 trying to

00:46:10.940 read the

00:46:11.400 Bible a

00:46:12.160 lot more

00:46:12.600 and pray

00:46:13.480 every day.

00:46:14.220 That has

00:46:14.940 been a

00:46:16.060 good thing

00:46:16.540 for me.

00:46:19.840 So I'll

00:46:20.820 say that.

00:46:21.360 Also,

00:46:21.800 one book I

00:46:22.920 read every

00:46:23.400 year is

00:46:23.900 Wild at

00:46:24.500 Heart by

00:46:25.040 John Eldridge.

00:46:26.000 If you

00:46:26.420 haven't read

00:46:26.840 that book

00:46:27.260 yet,

00:46:27.600 you should

00:46:28.020 definitely

00:46:28.460 read that

00:46:28.940 book.

00:46:30.120 Another

00:46:31.520 one by

00:46:32.000 Robert

00:46:32.360 Bly is

00:46:32.940 Iron

00:46:33.320 John.

00:46:34.420 I love

00:46:34.960 that book.

00:46:37.500 And,

00:46:38.140 you know,

00:46:39.580 this was

00:46:39.900 kind of an

00:46:40.380 interesting

00:46:40.780 one that

00:46:41.860 I didn't

00:46:44.360 expect it

00:46:44.940 for it to

00:46:46.140 be as good

00:46:46.660 as it is,

00:46:47.140 but Tribe

00:46:47.540 of Millionaire,

00:46:48.500 excuse me,

00:46:49.220 Tribe of

00:46:49.540 Millionaires by

00:46:50.120 David Osborne.

00:46:51.260 That was a

00:46:52.040 really,

00:46:52.500 really good

00:46:52.760 book.

00:46:53.040 Oh,

00:46:53.160 and then

00:46:53.320 the other,

00:46:53.880 I have

00:46:54.160 so many,

00:46:54.560 The Masculine

00:46:56.100 in Relationship

00:46:56.900 by G.S.

00:46:57.480 Youngblood.

00:46:58.060 That was

00:46:58.560 good.

00:46:59.140 That's on my

00:46:59.740 list this year

00:47:00.440 as well.

00:47:01.040 Yeah,

00:47:01.280 that's a good

00:47:01.880 one.

00:47:02.340 I think we

00:47:02.760 read that in

00:47:03.480 Iron Council

00:47:04.100 either this

00:47:05.660 year or the

00:47:06.240 year before.

00:47:06.760 I can't

00:47:07.060 exactly remember.

00:47:08.560 Yeah,

00:47:08.860 it was this

00:47:09.420 year.

00:47:10.260 Was it this

00:47:10.720 year?

00:47:10.920 Yeah.

00:47:11.920 So,

00:47:12.840 yeah,

00:47:13.260 I'm always

00:47:14.240 reading a new

00:47:15.100 book or,

00:47:15.640 well,

00:47:15.860 I've been

00:47:16.220 listening to a

00:47:16.980 lot more than

00:47:17.440 I have been

00:47:17.820 reading.

00:47:18.900 So,

00:47:19.740 I started

00:47:20.460 The Courage to

00:47:21.040 Be Disliked,

00:47:21.880 which was a

00:47:22.280 very,

00:47:22.480 it's a very

00:47:22.800 popular book,

00:47:23.680 but,

00:47:24.700 man,

00:47:24.840 I'm having a

00:47:25.160 hard time

00:47:25.520 getting behind

00:47:26.060 it,

00:47:26.480 just the

00:47:27.020 tempo or

00:47:27.860 the way

00:47:28.160 it's done.

00:47:28.740 I know a

00:47:29.540 lot of guys

00:47:29.860 like it,

00:47:30.360 but,

00:47:30.560 man,

00:47:30.660 I'm struggling

00:47:31.020 with that

00:47:31.360 one.

00:47:31.740 So,

00:47:31.900 anyways,

00:47:32.240 there's a

00:47:32.500 few book

00:47:32.840 recommendations.

00:47:32.860 It's funny how

00:47:32.960 that is.

00:47:34.400 Yeah.

00:47:35.200 You know

00:47:35.760 what,

00:47:36.100 if we're

00:47:37.280 looking at

00:47:37.700 just this

00:47:38.120 past year,

00:47:38.840 this is not

00:47:39.420 my top 10,

00:47:40.300 but,

00:47:40.500 like,

00:47:40.700 just this

00:47:41.100 past year,

00:47:42.680 The Gap

00:47:43.900 and the Gain

00:47:44.400 was a great

00:47:45.800 book for me

00:47:46.340 this year.

00:47:47.180 That one

00:47:47.720 stood out.

00:47:49.180 Another one,

00:47:50.200 I read

00:47:50.680 Four Agreements

00:47:51.360 again this

00:47:52.560 year for,

00:47:53.160 like,

00:47:53.560 the eighth

00:47:54.160 time,

00:47:55.380 and,

00:47:56.080 man,

00:47:56.560 I just got

00:47:57.460 something different

00:47:58.400 again,

00:47:59.080 you know,

00:47:59.420 from that

00:47:59.760 book,

00:48:00.040 and it was

00:48:00.280 so valuable.

00:48:01.520 And then a

00:48:02.500 really great

00:48:03.440 book that's

00:48:04.260 now proving

00:48:05.160 to be,

00:48:06.060 I don't know,

00:48:06.540 it may have

00:48:07.040 bumped itself

00:48:07.740 into my,

00:48:08.600 like,

00:48:08.960 top 10 books

00:48:09.720 of all time

00:48:10.340 is a book

00:48:11.600 by the name

00:48:12.160 of Ownership

00:48:12.940 Spirit by

00:48:14.300 Dennis Deaton.

00:48:15.380 It is super

00:48:17.280 good,

00:48:17.920 man.

00:48:18.740 In fact,

00:48:19.500 it's so good,

00:48:20.140 I haven't even

00:48:20.540 finished the book

00:48:21.080 because I keep

00:48:22.220 pausing going,

00:48:23.160 oh,

00:48:23.340 I need to write

00:48:23.800 this stuff down,

00:48:24.540 and then I write

00:48:25.200 it down,

00:48:25.520 I listen,

00:48:26.020 and I'm like,

00:48:26.680 nope,

00:48:26.980 I got it,

00:48:27.460 I need a

00:48:27.920 notepad when

00:48:29.220 I listen to

00:48:29.720 this book.

00:48:30.440 So I keep

00:48:31.580 pausing it.

00:48:32.320 So I actually

00:48:32.780 haven't finished

00:48:33.320 the book,

00:48:34.080 and I love it.

00:48:36.680 One thing,

00:48:37.840 can I offer

00:48:38.700 an idea on that

00:48:40.000 as far as books

00:48:40.940 go?

00:48:41.140 Yeah.

00:48:42.140 Yeah.

00:48:42.460 One thing that's

00:48:43.280 really helped

00:48:43.780 me is to,

00:48:46.360 if you're

00:48:46.920 reading it,

00:48:47.380 I always read

00:48:47.960 with a highlighter

00:48:48.560 and a pen,

00:48:49.660 always.

00:48:50.640 So if I'm

00:48:51.120 actually reading

00:48:51.680 a physical book,

00:48:52.480 I have a

00:48:52.740 highlighter,

00:48:53.420 and what I'll

00:48:53.900 do is if

00:48:54.360 there's a

00:48:54.640 paragraph or

00:48:55.260 a sentence

00:48:55.640 that stands

00:48:56.160 out,

00:48:56.460 or if it's

00:48:56.920 the whole

00:48:57.200 page,

00:48:57.660 I'll highlight

00:48:58.340 the paragraph,

00:48:59.100 and then I'll

00:48:59.500 dog-ear the

00:49:00.100 page,

00:49:00.900 and I'll keep

00:49:01.400 reading.

00:49:02.720 And I'll just

00:49:03.360 do that all

00:49:03.920 the way through

00:49:04.340 the book.

00:49:05.220 Yeah.

00:49:05.800 Because sometimes

00:49:06.660 when you come

00:49:08.260 across an idea

00:49:09.100 that you really

00:49:10.240 like,

00:49:10.460 oh,

00:49:10.620 that's powerful.

00:49:11.160 the subsequent

00:49:12.400 pages and

00:49:12.980 chapters flesh

00:49:13.740 that idea

00:49:14.180 out more.

00:49:15.980 Yeah.

00:49:16.860 And so you

00:49:17.800 can get you

00:49:18.420 on Audible

00:49:18.960 though.

00:49:20.280 Same thing.

00:49:21.360 Do you bookmark?

00:49:22.580 You can bookmark,

00:49:23.540 right?

00:49:24.000 So you can do

00:49:24.620 the same thing.

00:49:25.440 You can tag them,

00:49:25.860 you can bookmark them,

00:49:26.720 and then you can go

00:49:27.260 back with your

00:49:27.960 notepad and say,

00:49:28.680 okay,

00:49:29.060 out of the,

00:49:29.780 you know,

00:49:30.380 300 pages of

00:49:32.020 this book,

00:49:32.400 there was 30

00:49:33.120 that really stood

00:49:33.880 out to me.

00:49:34.760 And you get your

00:49:35.480 notepad out,

00:49:36.240 and you either

00:49:36.860 listen to what

00:49:37.500 you need to listen

00:49:38.060 to,

00:49:38.360 or read what

00:49:38.760 you need to

00:49:39.060 re-listen to,

00:49:40.140 or read,

00:49:41.120 and then you

00:49:42.120 just journal.

00:49:43.000 And maybe you

00:49:43.400 just take one

00:49:44.880 concept every

00:49:46.420 morning,

00:49:46.800 and you're like,

00:49:47.380 hey,

00:49:47.480 I'm going to do

00:49:47.820 a 30-minute deep

00:49:48.740 dive into,

00:49:49.520 or excuse me,

00:49:49.900 a 30-day deep

00:49:50.700 dive into this

00:49:51.360 book.

00:49:52.600 And that has

00:49:53.840 been helpful for

00:49:54.580 me in getting

00:49:55.340 all the content,

00:49:56.400 but then only

00:49:57.060 going back and

00:49:57.800 picking out the

00:49:58.340 relevant stuff to

00:49:59.060 me.

00:50:00.440 Yeah.

00:50:01.260 Yeah.

00:50:01.900 So much,

00:50:02.780 I mean,

00:50:03.160 I don't know,

00:50:03.640 we've talked

00:50:04.040 about this so

00:50:04.540 many times.

00:50:05.140 It's like,

00:50:06.340 you know,

00:50:07.480 read 20 books,

00:50:08.620 in the year,

00:50:09.280 or read one

00:50:10.380 and implement

00:50:10.960 it really well,

00:50:11.940 right?

00:50:12.300 And it's so

00:50:13.420 bittersweet because

00:50:14.500 some of these,

00:50:15.100 I know I'm not

00:50:16.840 implementing all

00:50:17.740 that I should

00:50:18.440 from what I

00:50:19.360 read,

00:50:20.020 you know,

00:50:21.220 by the same

00:50:21.980 breath.

00:50:22.920 I don't know.

00:50:23.820 Well,

00:50:24.040 the hard part

00:50:24.660 too is that

00:50:25.640 having written

00:50:27.320 two books

00:50:27.800 myself and

00:50:28.480 working with

00:50:29.100 publishers

00:50:29.720 is that,

00:50:32.960 and publishers

00:50:33.540 know this,

00:50:34.600 about 20%

00:50:35.600 of the book

00:50:36.060 is relevant.

00:50:37.500 The book.

00:50:38.320 Yeah.

00:50:38.780 Yeah.

00:50:39.080 The other 80%

00:50:40.160 is just fluff.

00:50:41.280 And so you

00:50:41.720 can get through

00:50:42.360 a book and

00:50:43.020 extract the 20%

00:50:44.280 that's relevant

00:50:44.820 to you and

00:50:45.260 then dive into

00:50:45.860 that.

00:50:47.640 Also,

00:50:48.360 if I'm reading

00:50:49.220 a book like

00:50:50.160 that,

00:50:50.340 that courage

00:50:50.680 to be disliked

00:50:51.360 and I don't

00:50:52.340 resonate with

00:50:53.240 it,

00:50:53.460 I'm not going

00:50:53.940 to finish,

00:50:54.560 I'm not going

00:50:54.900 to take my

00:50:55.320 time and finish

00:50:55.880 it.

00:50:56.320 There's other

00:50:56.880 books,

00:50:57.660 there's literally

00:50:58.200 millions of

00:50:58.920 other books

00:50:59.380 that I could

00:50:59.840 choose from

00:51:00.320 that will be

00:51:00.760 more relevant

00:51:01.320 or speak

00:51:01.760 differently to

00:51:02.220 me,

00:51:02.640 even on the

00:51:03.220 same subject.

00:51:03.780 And so I'm

00:51:04.700 going to do

00:51:04.900 that.

00:51:05.180 I'm not going

00:51:05.500 to waste

00:51:05.720 my time

00:51:06.120 on those

00:51:06.400 things.

00:51:08.200 So,

00:51:08.900 yeah.

00:51:09.740 I mean,

00:51:09.940 you don't

00:51:10.080 have to read

00:51:10.400 20,

00:51:10.900 but maybe

00:51:11.680 more than

00:51:12.040 one,

00:51:12.900 but I think

00:51:13.320 that might

00:51:13.700 help expedite

00:51:15.500 learning and

00:51:16.340 application wisdom,

00:51:17.400 not just

00:51:18.160 information.

00:51:19.940 Yeah,

00:51:20.520 totally.

00:51:21.540 All right,

00:51:22.020 guys,

00:51:22.240 I have a call

00:51:22.720 to action kit

00:51:23.340 I didn't even

00:51:23.720 tell you about,

00:51:24.380 but tonight,

00:51:24.960 guys,

00:51:25.260 we've got a

00:51:26.140 preview call.

00:51:27.280 So Wednesday,

00:51:28.140 December 10th,

00:51:29.020 a preview call

00:51:29.840 for the Iron

00:51:30.660 Council.

00:51:31.320 If you're not

00:51:31.940 familiar with what

00:51:32.520 the Iron

00:51:32.780 Council is,

00:51:33.280 this is our

00:51:34.020 exclusive,

00:51:35.640 I was going

00:51:35.940 to say digital

00:51:36.600 brotherhood.

00:51:37.160 It is a digital

00:51:37.740 brotherhood,

00:51:38.280 but it's amazing

00:51:38.820 to me,

00:51:39.260 Kip,

00:51:39.440 you've noticed

00:51:39.820 this,

00:51:40.280 how many men

00:51:41.340 are getting

00:51:41.900 together face

00:51:42.700 to face,

00:51:43.400 shoulder to

00:51:43.840 shoulder,

00:51:45.000 doing some

00:51:45.520 amazing things,

00:51:46.360 charity work,

00:51:47.380 hiking,

00:51:48.060 camping,

00:51:48.780 training,

00:51:49.980 you name it,

00:51:50.640 they're doing it

00:51:51.040 together.

00:51:51.500 So I love to

00:51:52.280 see the fact

00:51:52.820 that it's coming

00:51:53.420 from this digital

00:51:54.220 realm and we're

00:51:55.320 taking it to the

00:51:56.320 real world.

00:51:57.640 So if you want

00:51:58.060 to know more

00:51:58.560 about that and

00:51:59.440 put your efforts

00:52:00.260 for 2026 on

00:52:01.900 hyperdrive,

00:52:02.860 you need

00:52:03.980 networks.

00:52:04.920 So you need a

00:52:05.680 band of good

00:52:06.240 men who are

00:52:07.060 doing good

00:52:07.460 things and you

00:52:08.340 need frameworks.

00:52:09.300 You need systems

00:52:10.480 that are proven

00:52:11.120 to work.

00:52:11.800 You can't,

00:52:12.620 you can't do

00:52:15.220 things that you

00:52:16.660 don't know how

00:52:17.180 to do.

00:52:17.580 And even if

00:52:19.800 you stumble

00:52:20.400 across something

00:52:22.060 that works,

00:52:22.760 it was a really

00:52:24.100 inefficient way

00:52:25.000 of figuring out

00:52:25.600 what worked.

00:52:27.480 So if,

00:52:28.400 if you said,

00:52:29.060 oh man,

00:52:29.400 I just want to

00:52:29.900 get really in

00:52:31.040 shape this year.

00:52:31.720 I want to build

00:52:32.340 muscle.

00:52:32.720 I want to get

00:52:33.180 lean.

00:52:33.740 I want to get

00:52:34.140 strong and you

00:52:35.580 know nothing

00:52:36.080 about it.

00:52:37.020 At some point,

00:52:38.240 you're probably

00:52:38.780 going to stumble

00:52:39.460 across some

00:52:40.100 success or

00:52:42.060 alternatively,

00:52:43.100 you could pair

00:52:45.120 with someone who

00:52:46.360 knows exactly

00:52:47.100 what to do,

00:52:47.820 who can give

00:52:48.360 you a training

00:52:48.920 regimen,

00:52:49.600 who can give

00:52:50.160 you the nutrition

00:52:50.820 plan,

00:52:51.300 who can tell

00:52:51.680 you when to

00:52:52.100 work out,

00:52:52.540 why to work

00:52:52.980 out this way

00:52:53.500 and what to

00:52:53.880 do.

00:52:54.680 And you can

00:52:55.940 achieve the

00:52:56.520 results in a

00:52:57.400 fraction of the

00:52:58.120 time.

00:52:59.060 And people will

00:52:59.820 say, oh yeah,

00:53:00.700 but you have to

00:53:01.180 invest in that.

00:53:01.960 Yes, exactly.

00:53:03.780 That's the right

00:53:04.320 word.

00:53:04.820 You have to

00:53:05.440 invest in it.

00:53:06.360 And like any

00:53:07.280 investment,

00:53:07.960 it requires

00:53:08.520 sacrifice today

00:53:10.160 for a future

00:53:11.900 benefit.

00:53:12.940 So yes,

00:53:13.360 we do ask you

00:53:14.080 to invest in

00:53:14.940 yourself.

00:53:15.420 And that

00:53:16.840 will help

00:53:17.300 expedite your

00:53:18.420 career path,

00:53:19.420 your relationships,

00:53:21.400 your finances,

00:53:23.220 your fitness,

00:53:25.000 and your health.

00:53:27.420 And what is the

00:53:28.840 cost?

00:53:29.400 You say this

00:53:29.880 often, what is

00:53:30.980 the cost to you

00:53:31.800 guys in 2026 of

00:53:33.940 not figuring out

00:53:34.940 some of this

00:53:35.480 stuff?

00:53:36.180 Or what is the

00:53:37.300 cost of doing

00:53:39.000 it the way that

00:53:40.380 you've always done

00:53:41.120 it?

00:53:41.920 What are you

00:53:43.060 leaving on the

00:53:44.000 bone?

00:53:44.760 Quite a bit.

00:53:45.420 I'll tell you.

00:53:46.340 Quite a bit.

00:53:47.280 I think about

00:53:47.880 that often when

00:53:48.600 you and I have

00:53:49.960 hunted quite a

00:53:50.600 bit.

00:53:51.280 And when we

00:53:52.720 hunt and harvest

00:53:53.440 an animal,

00:53:54.240 we bring it

00:53:55.580 back and we

00:53:56.380 break it down.

00:53:58.100 And you know

00:53:59.180 this as a

00:53:59.800 hunter and you

00:54:00.400 also probably

00:54:01.060 know this as

00:54:01.900 the son of a

00:54:03.260 butcher.

00:54:05.000 There is so

00:54:05.840 much meat that's

00:54:06.760 left on the

00:54:07.500 bone and

00:54:08.280 wasted when you

00:54:10.500 harvest an

00:54:11.400 animal.

00:54:11.640 And people

00:54:12.240 who are good

00:54:12.720 at it will

00:54:13.180 get 10,

00:54:14.200 20, maybe

00:54:14.760 even 25%

00:54:16.240 more meat

00:54:17.140 off their

00:54:18.240 harvest than

00:54:19.560 those guys who

00:54:20.260 don't know how

00:54:20.740 to break down a

00:54:21.380 deer properly.

00:54:22.560 So get

00:54:23.480 everything that's

00:54:24.260 there, guys.

00:54:24.720 It's all there.

00:54:25.740 But I want you to

00:54:26.460 get as much meat

00:54:27.160 as possible.

00:54:27.980 And that requires

00:54:28.640 learning the

00:54:29.040 systems.

00:54:29.380 And we got

00:54:29.720 them.

00:54:30.080 So if you want

00:54:31.300 to check it

00:54:31.660 out, go to

00:54:32.660 theironcouncil.com

00:54:35.060 slash preview.

00:54:36.680 It's Wednesday,

00:54:37.840 December 10th.

00:54:38.560 So tonight, as of

00:54:39.400 the release of

00:54:39.860 this podcast, at

00:54:40.920 8 p.m.

00:54:41.520 Eastern.

00:54:42.360 Again, theironcouncil.com

00:54:44.320 slash preview.

00:54:46.100 That's all I've got.

00:54:47.120 Anything you have,

00:54:47.800 Kip?

00:54:49.000 No, just connect

00:54:50.080 with us on

00:54:50.740 Facebook and

00:54:51.520 follow Mr.

00:54:52.220 Mickler on

00:54:52.820 Axe and

00:54:53.300 Instagram at

00:54:53.880 Ryan Mickler.

00:54:54.960 Band with us.

00:54:58.240 All right, guys.

00:54:59.160 Hopefully we'll see

00:54:59.700 you tonight.

00:55:00.420 Until then, go out

00:55:01.120 there, take action,

00:55:02.180 and become a man

00:55:02.720 you are meant to

00:55:03.720 be.

00:55:04.400 Thank you for

00:55:05.060 listening to the

00:55:05.660 Order of Man

00:55:06.300 podcast.

00:55:07.380 You're ready to

00:55:07.940 take charge of

00:55:08.580 your life and

00:55:09.400 be more of the

00:55:09.960 man you were

00:55:10.500 meant to be.

00:55:11.420 We invite you to

00:55:12.160 join the order

00:55:12.760 at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - December 10, 2025

Death of Loved Ones, Stop Seeking Validation, and Outsourcing Responsibility ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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