Order of Man - Defeat Your Inner Critic, the Paradox of Choice, and Beating Bitterness

00:00:00.000 There is risk associated with trying new things that you've never done before.

00:00:03.240 So you're hardwired for the brain to say, your brain is constantly telling you, like, don't do that.

00:00:09.400 That's scary. That's risky. That might get you killed.

00:00:12.160 It won't, but it's hard for the brain to differentiate between what is going to put you into a discomfort zone and what is going to kill you.

00:00:20.000 So when you hear that inner critic, know that it's the deepest part of your brain communicating a level of risk to you.

00:00:27.380 And it's your job to take the newer, more evolved part of the brain.

00:00:33.120 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.

00:00:36.240 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:39.180 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:42.540 Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:48.700 This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:51.180 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:53.800 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:58.560 Kemp, what's up, brother? Great to see you on this fine Monday morning.

00:01:01.720 Did you get a little sun this weekend?

00:01:03.020 I did. My neck is, like, fried. A lot of work.

00:01:06.560 I know I'm roasted, too.

00:01:08.540 I was at the pool. You were laying sod, so you definitely had it worse than I did.

00:01:13.000 Yeah. My hands are, like, permanently sandpaper, dry. You know what I mean? So it's good.

00:01:18.620 Just raw and cracked and just feeling like a man, finally.

00:01:23.240 Finally. My keyboard hands had a rough week, but it was good.

00:01:30.700 Your soft, delicate, baby-like hands are finally introduced to manhood.

00:01:35.840 Yep.

00:01:37.540 So did you get the back all landscape then? That's what it looked like you were doing.

00:01:41.600 I think I saw a post on Instagram.

00:01:42.920 It is done.

00:01:44.100 And, man.

00:01:45.340 Awesome, man.

00:01:46.000 It looks so good with grass. I'm like, oh, man, this looks like a real house now. It looks great.

00:01:51.220 Yeah. It's got to feel good.

00:01:52.880 Yeah. Good.

00:01:53.160 Yeah, we're happy about it.

00:01:53.960 Well, good. Now that the work is done, just let us know when we have the invite.

00:01:57.420 We'll be happy to come up there and visit you.

00:01:59.100 Yeah.

00:01:59.700 Take advantage of that lake property.

00:02:01.320 Yeah, will do.

00:02:02.480 Well, brother, let's get into some topics today. I know you've got a headline. I've got a headline.

00:02:07.600 And then we'll get into some questions from last week that we had as a spillover.

00:02:11.680 We had quite the amount of questions. So we want to make sure we get all of those answered to the best of our abilities.

00:02:17.260 Yeah. I don't – I say this every week. Well, is this really a headline or not?

00:02:21.760 But I think it's the one that probably most people are aware of, and that is the crash of the Iranian president in a helicopter.

00:02:33.580 And I'm not sure if that happened over the weekend or if it was – I was kind of disconnected for the last couple of days.

00:02:39.280 I think it was yesterday, actually.

00:02:40.720 Was it yesterday?

00:02:41.100 So Sunday, I think.

00:02:42.000 Yeah. So I checked this morning officially. They're saying he's dead. And I can't help but wonder if this is an assassination and not an accidental airplane crash, right?

00:02:54.460 Because him and I believe like high-up leaders were all in that helicopter and obviously no survivors.

00:03:03.300 So I don't have anything to talk about other than the fact of the importance of us just having our stuff together.

00:03:12.540 You know, something like this could shift climates in other countries that might affect us within the U.S.

00:03:22.380 I mean, you don't know. And if we're not vigilant, if we're not prepared, we need to be and be ready for if things get really difficult.

00:03:36.060 And there's so many things that –

00:03:38.000 Yeah, I agree.

00:03:38.660 Yeah. And there's so many ways to look at that, right?

00:03:40.960 And I don't even know why this crossed my mind, but over the weekend – what was it?

00:03:46.920 I had a call in for insurance or something. It was the typical questionnaires.

00:03:52.780 What are you allergic to? What medication do you take? You know, the rap sheet.

00:03:57.420 And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

00:04:02.080 And the person was almost like shocked, I think, and put back a little bit.

00:04:08.160 That you were so healthy.

00:04:09.380 Yeah, they're like nothing.

00:04:10.400 No allergies, healthy.

00:04:12.420 Yeah, they're like nothing. And I'm like, nope, nope, absolutely nothing.

00:04:16.840 And I think, man, how often are we handcuffed to our medications?

00:04:22.220 How handcuffed are we to our processed foods and other things that, you know, to your point, we lack sovereignty because we're dependent on those things because we haven't maybe got our stuff together that we should have had.

00:04:38.980 You know what I mean?

00:04:39.420 And we're being unhealthy one way or another.

00:04:43.240 At first, I thought you were – when you're like, oh, that's just a reminder.

00:04:46.780 I'm like, dude, that almost sounds like sympathy for this guy.

00:04:49.560 And so I was like, there's no sympathy here for this.

00:04:52.660 That's almost – I was like, what is he going with this?

00:04:54.480 I even heard like even in Iran they were like celebrating, you know, in certain areas.

00:05:00.680 Yeah, I mean he's killed thousands of political dissenters.

00:05:05.280 So it's – this is obviously not –

00:05:06.820 No, we just don't know who's going to fill his shoes and it may be worse or better.

00:05:11.080 Who knows?

00:05:13.740 Yeah, well, I think you bring up a really good point when it comes – so one of the things when I was running my financial planning practice is we always talked about the risk associated with certain investments.

00:05:24.400 And obviously there's certain risk of losing your money, there's certain risk of market volatility, but the one that is often overlooked is political and even geopolitical risk.

00:05:37.500 When you have shakeups like this, things that happen or wars like we see in Israel and Ukraine and Russia, that – especially with Russia, that messes with, for example,

00:05:50.660 I believe Ukraine is one of the largest exporters of wheat.

00:05:54.800 Is that right?

00:05:55.320 Yeah.

00:05:55.500 Wheat?

00:05:55.840 I think that's correct.

00:05:57.260 And then Ukraine obviously with a shakeup with oil reserves and the oil pipelines.

00:06:04.060 This is geopolitical risk that we need to be very aware of.

00:06:07.720 So I'm really glad that you tied that back into this idea of sovereignty.

00:06:12.120 And it is interesting because when I was doing the financial planning stuff, I did a lot of life insurance as well.

00:06:17.180 And to your point, to come across somebody who wasn't suffering with diabetes or heart issues or obesity or multiple surgeries that could have very easily been avoided, that was few and far between.

00:06:30.740 It was a rarity and it was so welcomed because I didn't need to jump through the whole rigmarole of trying to find insurance for these people.

00:06:38.460 And not to mention the financial cost associated not with just the individual but the strain and the pressure and the weight on our healthcare system because of this obesity epidemic that we've worked ourselves into, eaten ourselves into, I should say.

00:06:54.820 Yeah, totally.

00:06:56.900 All right.

00:06:57.480 What's your headline?

00:06:58.020 Well, mine's a little political as well and it's – I guess yours isn't political necessarily but it was a politician.

00:07:06.840 But some of you guys may have seen there was a – just a complete clown circus in Congress last week.

00:07:15.200 I don't know if you saw this but it was Representative Jasmine Crockett and Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene and both of them are idiots.

00:07:24.220 And – have you seen this?

00:07:25.400 Oh, my gosh.

00:07:28.000 Marjorie Taylor Greene makes a comment about Representative – what's her name?

00:07:31.600 Crockett's eyelashes, her fake eyelashes. 0.99

00:07:34.620 And then they just start being catty with each other and then, of course, AOC chimes in and they're just making catty remarks and all the guys are looking around like, what do we do?

00:07:44.660 We don't know what to do.

00:07:46.180 I'm so sick of the clown show that is U.S. politics.

00:07:50.000 Look, I'm not oblivious enough to realize that there's always been personal insults.

00:07:58.580 There's always been personal attacks.

00:08:01.340 We haven't always been civil.

00:08:03.320 I mean we went to war over some of these politics.

00:08:07.420 So I'm not saying that we've always been the most civil people.

00:08:11.140 We're certainly not.

00:08:12.660 But anymore, it just seems like that our representatives, our elected officials are more interested in got-you moments.

00:08:22.120 They're more interested in little quick snippets that are shareable, that could potentially go viral.

00:08:27.880 And they're just waiting for their next book deal when they get out of Congress.

00:08:32.480 And it just – it infuriates me.

00:08:35.220 And I found myself really infuriated because, one, these two women who are supposed to be working on real issues are talking about how ugly her fake eyelashes are or whatever. 1.00

00:08:49.420 And then neither of them can speak English properly.

00:08:53.460 They're supposed to be working on real issues.

00:08:55.520 So that was my first frustration.

00:08:57.060 My second frustration was these are elected officials.

00:09:01.460 Like they didn't just show up.

00:09:02.980 They got elected.

00:09:04.260 They didn't – they got elected.

00:09:07.160 Enough people said, yeah, that sounds good.

00:09:11.800 Let's go ahead and vote them into office.

00:09:14.200 And I'm just so sick and tired of these people running.

00:09:18.160 And I don't have an answer.

00:09:20.180 I think I have some of the answer, which is what we're trying to do here.

00:09:23.220 But anybody who seems like they're moral and decent and respectful and respectable just isn't interested in the shit show.

00:09:36.380 And rightfully so.

00:09:37.620 Why would you want to get involved in – why would I want to get involved in politics?

00:09:41.000 Why would the majority of men listening to this want to get into politics?

00:09:44.600 I saw a video from Dan Crenshaw just the other day.

00:09:49.540 And he said, love him or hate him, I think he's got some interesting and unique perspectives and insights.

00:09:54.380 And if you actually listen to the guy, not just the snippets, but you listen to the guy, I think he's right on a lot of stuff.

00:09:59.520 And he just – he said something to the effect of how exhausting politics is.

00:10:05.660 The talking points, the uneducated discussing and debating some of these points as if they know on social media.

00:10:13.100 We're just driving ourselves into the ground.

00:10:15.660 I hate to see it, obviously.

00:10:17.940 You and I aren't going to have to suffer to the degree that our kids and our grandchildren will, but it's horrible.

00:10:23.860 It's infuriating.

00:10:25.000 Yeah, and the lack of integrity that has been accepted as the status quo is exhausting.

00:10:35.960 And it's – and there are little white lies all over the place, right?

00:10:40.000 We'll do this thing, but the intent is really not that.

00:10:42.680 It's really just this.

00:10:43.700 It's optics.

00:10:44.620 It's managing impressions.

00:10:47.040 That's also called lying is what that's called.

00:10:51.080 Right.

00:10:51.600 And we just say that's okay.

00:10:53.580 And it's – it's pathetic.

00:10:57.880 All right.

00:10:58.660 Agreed.

00:10:59.160 Well, we're going to hop over to the grand.

00:11:00.580 The hard part is –

00:11:01.220 Oh, go ahead.

00:11:01.440 Sorry.

00:11:02.860 I was just going to say the hard part is there isn't a three-step formula to solve the problem.

00:11:08.080 There really isn't.

00:11:09.200 But what I will say is I believe that the work that we're doing here is an integral part of that solution.

00:11:14.800 It's teaching all of us, you and me included, Kip, how to be better men, how to show up more fully for our families, how to make more money, how to keep ourselves healthy, how to motivate and inspire other people, how to get involved in our communities.

00:11:28.840 So it isn't the immediate answer.

00:11:32.060 But I'm telling you what, guys.

00:11:33.220 If there's a million people who listen to this podcast, there needs to be 10 million.

00:11:37.700 And I know that's – I have a bias, obviously.

00:11:39.760 But if we can turn a million into 10 million or even just a million into 2 million and 2 million into 4 and 4 into 8 and 8 into 16, man, we can start drastically changing the world.

00:11:53.260 I'm not dumb enough to think we can do this in the next few years or even decade.

00:11:56.600 But 20, 30, 40 years down the road, if millions and millions of people are embracing the concept of protect, provide, preside and living it righteously, we can begin to change the tide of this culture.

00:12:10.700 And it is much needed.

00:12:12.200 I think what you just said is the right way to change that though because let me ask you this.

00:12:18.860 Yes.

00:12:19.420 Because politics is the result of society.

00:12:24.980 I think the quality of the public school system is a result of what's happening in households and is what's happening in families.

00:12:37.020 So as much as we can say like, oh, politics, these guys are morons, part of the problem is we're morons.

00:12:43.440 That's why.

00:12:44.680 And we need to level up as individuals and as families in this society and that's how you change politics.

00:12:52.000 Otherwise, we're going to keep voting in.

00:12:53.820 And people that shouldn't be there.

00:12:57.360 Yeah.

00:12:58.580 Well, and the phrase is politics is downstream of culture.

00:13:03.580 That's much better said.

00:13:06.320 Well, and I didn't say that's Andrew Breitbart actually said that.

00:13:10.000 I like that.

00:13:10.260 Politics is downstream of culture.

00:13:12.240 Yeah.

00:13:12.680 So yeah, you look at your politics and even what I was talking about earlier, that's downstream.

00:13:17.640 That's an indicator of what's happening upstream, which is our culture.

00:13:21.060 Yeah.

00:13:21.520 So yeah, we need to fix the culture.

00:13:23.420 Love it.

00:13:24.420 All right.

00:13:25.040 We're going to field questions from the gram to follow Mr. Mickler there.

00:13:28.600 It's at Ryan Mickler.

00:13:29.740 Ralph Mendoza, just to call out maybe a little bit of pressure on Mickler here.

00:13:35.680 Have you started training for a marathon?

00:13:38.100 How's that running done for you mentally?

00:13:42.900 No.

00:13:43.380 Nope.

00:13:43.740 Not doing it.

00:13:44.620 Or are you?

00:13:45.340 Are you planning on doing a marathon?

00:13:47.100 I didn't know this.

00:13:47.800 I committed to doing the marathon this year in October.

00:13:53.580 Awesome.

00:13:54.180 In Southern Utah, the St. George Marathon.

00:13:56.200 You signed up.

00:13:57.620 So I, yeah.

00:13:59.260 You better start running.

00:14:00.180 I should probably start training for it.

00:14:03.360 That's awesome.

00:14:03.980 I just, I don't like to run.

00:14:06.340 I just want to lift objects and train jujitsu.

00:14:10.200 That's it.

00:14:11.280 Like, I don't want to run.

00:14:12.560 Why?

00:14:12.980 Why do I want to run?

00:14:14.280 You signed up.

00:14:14.680 You signed up.

00:14:15.680 Too late.

00:14:16.580 I know.

00:14:17.120 That was my first marathon, by the way.

00:14:18.600 So.

00:14:18.980 What is St. George?

00:14:20.580 St. George Marathon?

00:14:21.560 Yeah.

00:14:21.980 Yeah.

00:14:22.240 Yeah.

00:14:22.360 It's a good one.

00:14:23.040 Awesome.

00:14:23.740 All right.

00:14:24.200 Keep us updated.

00:14:25.360 No pressure.

00:14:28.320 Okay.

00:14:28.820 All right.

00:14:29.440 Voyage Rites.

00:14:30.140 What else?

00:14:30.800 Are you still currently and in the future conducting rites of passages for your sons as they grow

00:14:36.820 older?

00:14:37.840 Has any of your plans changed since a divorce?

00:14:42.800 Well, yeah, my plans changed since the divorce.

00:14:45.820 I moved across the country and obviously kind of circled the wagons a little bit with my

00:14:49.960 own personal stuff and also with the business a little bit too.

00:14:53.380 But I feel like we're in a place where we can uncircle the wagons and start moving where

00:14:58.460 we need to move and make some moves and put some things in practice.

00:15:02.320 We just did an uprising event, which is not the one you're referring to, but we have brought

00:15:06.980 events back.

00:15:07.800 Uh, we've already got the dates for the next uprising available.

00:15:13.280 Uh, so if you are interested in that, it's may, I believe first through the fourth of next

00:15:18.100 year, 2025.

00:15:19.520 You can find that one at order of man.com slash uprising.

00:15:23.020 But I'm thinking about, we're going to be doing a fall conference with, uh, Larry Hagner with

00:15:28.940 the dad edge and Connor Beaton with man talks later in the year.

00:15:32.240 That's in September.

00:15:33.100 We'll get you the dates on that.

00:15:34.600 Uh, but I'm also thinking about trying to put a legacy event in there as well.

00:15:39.040 Cool.

00:15:39.500 Legacy for those of you who don't know is a father, son event, 20 dads, 20 boys, and we

00:15:45.460 take them through exactly what you said, a rite of passage, teaching them skills, talking

00:15:50.620 with them about what it means to be a man, helping them navigate difficult and challenging

00:15:55.540 circumstances at that weekend from jujitsu competition to ice baths and physical challenges

00:16:02.820 and shooting and all the works that young boys I think are inherently interested in, but

00:16:08.440 aren't comfortable necessarily, unless they've been familiar with it, doing it.

00:16:12.260 So we help the dads talk to their boys.

00:16:14.960 We help them work through those challenging cycles.

00:16:17.500 And it's, uh, it's pretty exciting.

00:16:19.660 It's probably my favorite event.

00:16:22.280 I know uprising is yours.

00:16:24.620 Legacy is my personal favorite event.

00:16:26.480 So we're looking at doing one in the fall.

00:16:28.100 Yeah.

00:16:28.740 Excellent.

00:16:29.600 All right.

00:16:30.040 Max Naren.

00:16:31.240 I love this question and I'd love you get your insights of when you hear the term inner

00:16:35.780 critic, what does that mean?

00:16:38.660 Um, but his question, how do you deal with your inner critic?

00:16:42.280 What do you do when you're faced with big decisions in your life?

00:16:45.780 And what advice would you give a man in his mid twenties that'll help his growth?

00:16:52.440 I actually like that word, that terminology, inner critic.

00:16:56.140 A lot of the times I think you hear the phrase imposter syndrome.

00:17:00.260 I don't, I don't particularly like that phrase.

00:17:03.240 Uh, I don't, I don't resonate with it.

00:17:05.600 I, I, I've never experienced it because I don't feel like I'm an imposter.

00:17:10.000 You know, for example, you might be coming a new dad.

00:17:12.400 And this guy's young, I'm not saying he's going to be a new father anytime soon, but

00:17:15.400 at some point he'll probably be a new father.

00:17:17.760 Well, so is he an imposter because he's never been a father before? 0.52

00:17:21.600 No, he's a father and he's learning.

00:17:23.200 That's it.

00:17:23.860 Yeah.

00:17:24.640 Right.

00:17:25.120 Uh, same thing with owning a business.

00:17:26.980 You know, maybe you want to go out and start a podcast or start a movement like we're doing

00:17:30.260 here or start a photography business or blue collar work, whatever it might be.

00:17:34.880 Are you an imposter because you've never started a business before? 0.87

00:17:40.300 No, it just means you're starting a business.

00:17:42.040 So like, let's just get, just get rid of that imposter terminology altogether.

00:17:46.440 But I do believe there's an inner critic.

00:17:48.300 And that's why I like this terminology because there is a critic who is demoralizing you,

00:17:54.140 attempting to put you down, attempting to belittle, to mock.

00:17:58.000 And I think it's probably human nature and it's evolutionary in, in, in design to keep

00:18:06.720 you safe, right?

00:18:08.400 If you think about our ancient ancestors, the whole idea was to consume as many calories

00:18:16.580 as possible and expend as few as possible while maintaining humankind.

00:18:24.400 That's it.

00:18:25.360 Everything about our existence can be boiled down to that.

00:18:29.160 Stay alive, consume as many calories, expend as few as possible and maintain and grow the

00:18:34.840 human, the human race, the human species.

00:18:37.600 So if that is what we were trying to do, you look at it now, it, there is some risk with

00:18:43.720 starting a business.

00:18:46.040 So you're hardwired to be careful.

00:18:49.640 There is risk associated with trying new things that you've never done before.

00:18:53.140 So you're hardwired just for the brain to say, let's just maintain the status quo or

00:19:00.900 asking a woman on a date or any number of things that I know guys are dealing with on a daily

00:19:04.580 basis.

00:19:05.780 So your brain is constantly telling you alarm, alert, alert, alert, right?

00:19:11.100 Like, don't do that.

00:19:11.980 That's scary.

00:19:12.680 That's risky.

00:19:13.840 That might get you killed.

00:19:15.140 It won't, but it's hard for the brain to differentiate between what is going to put you into a discomfort

00:19:21.120 zone and what is going to kill you. 0.88

00:19:23.040 And it's your job as a rational, evolved species to delineate between the two.

00:19:31.200 This is going to be uncomfortable, period.

00:19:34.140 Not this is going to be uncomfortable and I'm going to, everybody's going to hate me and I'm

00:19:38.800 going to lose all my money and I'm going to be a failure.

00:19:40.880 And then I'll be ostracized from the tribe.

00:19:44.220 That's none of that's going to happen.

00:19:45.700 The worst that's going to happen if, unless you're performing brain surgery or some other

00:19:50.340 high risk type activity is you're not going to enjoy it.

00:19:54.600 You might lose a little bit of time and money and that's really about it.

00:19:57.540 Or you might get rejected and that's really about it.

00:20:00.360 Yeah.

00:20:00.820 So when you hear that inner critic, know that it's the deepest part of your brain communicating

00:20:07.540 a level of risk to you.

00:20:09.000 And it's your job to take the newer, more evolved part of the brain.

00:20:13.100 And this is actually physiological and let that override the default part of your brain.

00:20:21.180 You know, there's, you hear about the lizard brain versus the mammalian brain.

00:20:24.720 That's what I'm talking about here.

00:20:26.580 And I don't know the exact prefrontal core.

00:20:29.200 I don't know all that because I'm not smart enough to know all that stuff, but you can go

00:20:32.460 listen to Andrew Huberman probably has a podcast, a four hour podcast on it.

00:20:37.280 But, but just know that you can override that by saying, no, this is just my, my body, my

00:20:45.100 brain telling me to be safe.

00:20:46.600 And then in practicality, instead say, come up with different scripts.

00:20:54.640 So if, if, if you're naturally saying I'm a loser, I'm a failure, look at all this stuff

00:21:00.700 I've done that's horrible.

00:21:01.580 And I can't, I can't do anything right.

00:21:04.080 Override that by actually looking at results in your life where you've done well.

00:21:09.560 Maybe you excelled in, in sports, athletics, and you got your, you're at right out of high

00:21:17.100 school, right?

00:21:17.500 He's 20 years old.

00:21:18.640 Maybe you were a three year varsity starter on the football team.

00:21:23.240 Well, that's something, you know, maybe you got an academic scholarship to go to college.

00:21:29.260 Well, that's something maybe you you're dating your high school sweetheart and you guys have

00:21:34.840 been together for four years.

00:21:36.000 That's something there are so many things that you've done in your life, even at 20 years

00:21:41.520 old that you can draw on and say, well, I did that.

00:21:45.760 If I got out of that, I can surely figure this out.

00:21:48.960 So the scripts that you're running right now are poor scripts and they're going to produce

00:21:56.620 poor outcomes.

00:21:57.400 They're going to keep you stuck.

00:21:59.400 But if you can change the scripts by, I've got a stack of books over here.

00:22:03.440 You're listening to this podcast, read those books, get audio books, go to conferences,

00:22:08.440 read emails from people you're inspired by.

00:22:11.100 Be around those people in proximity to those individuals.

00:22:14.140 The more you start hearing their scripts and putting them in your brain, the better off

00:22:19.680 you're going to be.

00:22:20.220 And that inner critic becomes less relevant.

00:22:22.200 It never goes away.

00:22:23.480 It just becomes less relevant.

00:22:25.560 I had a conversation this weekend with someone and we're talking about judgments.

00:22:30.340 And what's interesting about a judgment is, and I don't know if this is like, this is

00:22:36.160 my definition or how it feels.

00:22:37.960 It's final.

00:22:39.600 And we do this to people all the time.

00:22:41.780 Well, it rhymes this way.

00:22:42.940 We don't say, oh, he's this way today and he might change tomorrow.

00:22:47.380 And those same judgments that we put on ourselves, we think that they're absolute, that they're

00:22:52.300 done.

00:22:53.100 They're not done.

00:22:54.280 Nothing's done.

00:22:55.940 So maybe we are pathetic.

00:22:59.280 Maybe we are lazy.

00:23:00.720 Maybe we're not great at things currently.

00:23:04.180 That's it.

00:23:06.500 So nothing's final and we're all on a path of growth.

00:23:10.400 And so, you know, I love what you're saying.

00:23:12.460 Maybe there's evidence of this, right?

00:23:14.540 You've done this well.

00:23:16.280 And maybe even you've done nothing well, but you're alive.

00:23:21.820 Which means the judgment, it's not there yet.

00:23:26.440 Life's not over yet.

00:23:27.420 And, and, and, and thus there is amazing opportunity placed before us if we just take advantage

00:23:35.200 of what we have.

00:23:36.180 And that is the opportunity, right?

00:23:38.240 Right.

00:23:39.940 Yeah, exactly.

00:23:41.360 Well, and I, I, I love the, the concept of that, those judgments being final.

00:23:45.800 You know, I hear that all the time in feedback on this podcast.

00:23:49.180 Well, you know, five years ago you were saying something completely different.

00:23:52.560 Well, yeah, five years ago.

00:23:54.640 Yeah.

00:23:55.480 It would be weird if I were saying the same thing.

00:23:57.540 It would be a tragedy if I was saying the same things today that I was saying five years

00:24:01.760 ago.

00:24:02.640 There's no evolution.

00:24:03.820 There's no growth.

00:24:04.500 There's no learning in any of that.

00:24:06.260 Or there's other people in, in your life, whether they're acquaintances and they're close,

00:24:10.940 or they're just kind of on the outskirts of your relationships who really just are going

00:24:16.160 to remember you forever the way you were.

00:24:18.600 And they're, they're not going to allow you in their own minds to get better.

00:24:23.400 I mean, I see that all the time also with the podcast, especially with my circumstances,

00:24:27.960 uh, several, you know, a year and a half, yeah, a year and a half, almost two years ago.

00:24:32.620 Now when I started talking about this stuff, like people are like, Oh, well, you know,

00:24:37.880 you did this.

00:24:38.560 Yeah.

00:24:39.840 Yeah.

00:24:41.780 And it was, that was a year and a half ago.

00:24:46.740 So I know that's not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but also there's a lot of

00:24:52.940 learning and growth that takes place in a year and a half.

00:24:56.040 Are you kidding?

00:24:56.860 Yeah.

00:24:57.040 So be careful not to be one of those individuals who just wants to keep people stuck in your

00:25:04.120 own brain where they currently are.

00:25:06.740 And regardless of what you think of them, I just think it's good practice for you to allow

00:25:11.880 yourself to consider that people can grow and get better because it gives you permission

00:25:16.000 to grow and get better in your own life.

00:25:18.100 Totally.

00:25:20.200 Cody Holden.

00:25:21.360 How do you know if the business you're considering starting is the right fit for you, your finances

00:25:27.740 and for your family?

00:25:29.360 So considerations when starting a business.

00:25:32.980 Well, I mean, there's the practical stuff.

00:25:35.600 You can look at potential business income by doing research on what products and services

00:25:42.220 you're offering, what the market saturation looks like, what income you can generate relative

00:25:47.300 to the cost associated with it, where the best place to live is going to be, the logistics,

00:25:53.680 the turnaround time.

00:25:54.940 You can look at lead time.

00:25:56.840 I remember when I was doing financial planning, I would meet with a person and I potentially

00:26:01.120 wouldn't get paid for five or six months.

00:26:03.500 So, you know, that's something to consider.

00:26:05.580 What's the time commitment associated with it?

00:26:07.820 Am I going to have to work forever, all day, every day for the next decade?

00:26:14.080 That would be important to consider.

00:26:15.440 Maybe you're willing to do that and maybe you're not, but those are certainly things

00:26:19.060 to consider.

00:26:19.940 So there's the hard data.

00:26:22.260 Kip, do you have any other hard data?

00:26:23.820 I've got some other thoughts that maybe is a little bit harder to quantify, but do you

00:26:27.220 have any other hard data that you would suggest that he were to take a look at?

00:26:31.800 I would say just assume we have a tendency when wanting to start a business of we look at

00:26:39.640 all the potential and we don't look at and we don't deal in reality.

00:26:43.980 So assume that it's going to be harder.

00:26:48.220 It's going to be harder.

00:26:49.340 It's going to take more time.

00:26:50.800 That market to get into that market is going to be more difficult than you realize.

00:26:55.200 It always does.

00:26:57.140 Everything always does.

00:26:58.700 And I don't know if I'm just looking to things wrong, but laying sod, guess what?

00:27:03.400 That shit took a lot longer than I planned.

00:27:06.280 Fixing pipe takes a lot longer than it always takes longer.

00:27:09.860 So just assume that.

00:27:11.960 I'm always surprised.

00:27:13.840 I'm always surprised when a project takes exactly the same amount of time that I thought

00:27:18.120 it would.

00:27:18.560 I'm like, wait a second.

00:27:20.100 Yeah.

00:27:20.220 You started questioning.

00:27:21.060 What did I miss?

00:27:21.500 Yeah.

00:27:21.700 You're like, what did I do?

00:27:22.800 I did something wrong.

00:27:23.980 This shit's going to leak.

00:27:25.080 Yeah.

00:27:27.020 Totally.

00:27:27.420 It's so true. 0.84

00:27:29.640 Anyhow, go ahead.

00:27:31.100 Yeah.

00:27:32.580 No, the only other thing I would share, so I think that's good, is having a clear expectation.

00:27:36.760 But then that brings us back to the question, how do you know what the expectation is?

00:27:40.560 Yeah.

00:27:41.260 Yeah.

00:27:41.460 So what I would suggest, and I think this is the best advice I ever received, and it's

00:27:46.220 something I've seen hundreds, if not thousands of people put into practice successfully, you

00:27:51.440 have to go talk to people who are already doing the work.

00:27:55.280 You have to.

00:27:56.580 So if you want to become a fitness trainer, you got to go find some fitness trainers and

00:28:00.760 you have to ask them, what does it take?

00:28:02.660 What's the investment?

00:28:03.600 What's the time?

00:28:04.600 How easy or hard or difficult is it to pick up new clients?

00:28:07.880 What's your programming look like?

00:28:09.240 How do you do that?

00:28:10.000 How do you do this?

00:28:10.780 And look, pay those people, please, for it.

00:28:17.140 Don't just ask to pick people's brains.

00:28:21.160 Don't just mooch off of them. 1.00

00:28:23.500 Those people spent potentially hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars and decades

00:28:29.260 worth of time in the field, and you just want to come have them give you all the information.

00:28:37.100 If that's what you want, then just sign up for their emails or listen to their

00:28:40.480 podcast or read their book, and you can get that for a very cheap price, 20 bucks for

00:28:45.420 a book, free podcast, free email newsletters.

00:28:48.380 But if you want something deeper, then invest in it.

00:28:51.500 That's the very first thing that I did when I started my financial planning podcast is I

00:28:56.940 reached out to a guy by the name of Jeff Rose with good financial sense.

00:29:00.180 And I said, Jeff, I love what you're doing.

00:29:02.680 Very cutting edge.

00:29:03.700 You're using new digital marketing for building a traditional financial planning practice.

00:29:08.440 I want to model what you're doing.

00:29:09.700 Do you do any coaching?

00:29:10.480 He's like, yes, I do.

00:29:11.320 And I said, great.

00:29:12.360 How do we work that out?

00:29:13.180 And he said, it's 150 or 200 bucks for an hour or whatever he said.

00:29:16.220 And I said, great.

00:29:17.380 Can I, I don't even know how I paid him.

00:29:19.480 I don't even think Venmo is available then.

00:29:21.100 But I said, great.

00:29:22.140 Like, here's, here's your 200 bucks.

00:29:24.200 And he coached me and helped me get into what I wanted to do, which gradually led into what

00:29:29.340 we're doing now.

00:29:29.980 But, um, yeah, I had a guy, I had a guy reach out the other day and I won't name any names

00:29:36.440 and I'm not contentious about it, but it's kind of illustrates this point.

00:29:40.340 He sent me an email and he said, Hey, I was part of the, or I was considering joining the

00:29:45.440 iron council, but I didn't.

00:29:47.820 And we started a men's group and, but we're in the men's group.

00:29:50.660 We're having a really hard time with having accountability and systems.

00:29:54.480 What systems do you use?

00:29:56.280 And what accountability do you build in your program so I can share with these guys?

00:30:02.840 Really?

00:30:03.440 The secret sauce, you know, like it's not even that so much is that you have no vested interest

00:30:10.820 in the relationship.

00:30:12.160 You just want to take from this relationship.

00:30:14.360 I've had other people who I actually have relationships with who've asked me similar

00:30:17.820 questions and I've fielded those calls and I've given them everything I can possibly give

00:30:21.960 them because there's a vested interest in the relationship with this.

00:30:26.280 Particular person.

00:30:27.080 I said, Hey man, if you're interested in that, just join the iron council, have your

00:30:31.220 three or four guys.

00:30:32.760 If you can't figure it out, I get it.

00:30:35.700 We have a system that you can tap into that you can access.

00:30:40.140 And so that's what I sent him.

00:30:41.240 I sent him, Hey, join the iron.

00:30:42.360 And I, I never heard back from him.

00:30:44.620 Maybe he's a little slow on the email or maybe he never will, but it's just, it goes

00:30:48.800 to highlight this idea that people are just unwilling to vest in their own, their own

00:30:55.400 learning and their own education.

00:30:56.760 And they just want people to give them all the answers, man.

00:30:59.760 It's taken me a very long time and some painful lessons here in this business to know what

00:31:03.900 I know.

00:31:04.720 One area that I sought a lot, I'm talking a lot about my previous financial planning

00:31:08.180 practice today, but I was working with a dentist primarily, and I don't know if you know much

00:31:13.560 about it, Kip, but when there are young men and women who are interested in out of high

00:31:18.660 school or maybe early years of college, interested in going into the field of, of dentistry, they

00:31:23.640 will do what they call shadowing and they will go to a dentist and they will shadow that

00:31:28.780 dentist.

00:31:29.860 They will go to the office.

00:31:31.540 They will follow them around the hygienists and office managers and assistants will work

00:31:36.840 them through the process.

00:31:37.960 They'll help with things to the degree that they can.

00:31:40.120 Of course, they're not licensed, but, um, this is a very common practice in the medical

00:31:46.100 field.

00:31:47.720 So I would, I would take something from that, that playbook and ask yourself how you can

00:31:53.700 model what you want to go into.

00:31:56.480 That's very long winded answer, but I think it highlights the point.

00:31:59.900 Yeah, it's good.

00:32:01.940 And, and we say this all the time, so I won't exhaust and explain it too much, but

00:32:06.660 you don't try it out.

00:32:08.720 Right.

00:32:09.120 So he might be a little bit in this fence of like, I got to figure this all out.

00:32:12.940 Well, maybe you don't, right.

00:32:14.140 Maybe you need to just get a little bit of reps in and kind of see if this is a good fit

00:32:18.300 for you too.

00:32:18.920 Cause you may not like the work kind of to your point, Ryan, if you're shadowing, you

00:32:22.560 get insights into the industry, you may choose, well, this is not for me.

00:32:27.120 Um, Asia did this by the way. 0.93

00:32:28.480 She has a master's I think in journalism and during the winter Olympics, she was working

00:32:35.180 with, I think like ABC or something.

00:32:38.000 And she was immediately like turned off.

00:32:42.000 She's like, I hate journalists.

00:32:45.760 And she like, like, it's good to know.

00:32:48.200 I know immediately didn't like it.

00:32:49.860 And she was like, I can't be in this industry.

00:32:53.340 That's it.

00:32:54.540 After years and years of college.

00:32:56.460 Right.

00:32:56.740 It's like, um, would have been nice to know that ahead of time, maybe.

00:32:59.360 Right.

00:32:59.760 So, yeah.

00:33:02.040 Well, you know, who else has a really good example of this is Jay Gerardulo.

00:33:06.600 So Jay is in our organization.

00:33:09.280 He's been a long time member, but he's also one of the cadre that new iron council members

00:33:13.940 work with to get up to speed really quickly inside the iron council.

00:33:17.000 And he is a police officer who's about to retire and long story short, I don't want to butcher

00:33:24.300 the story or take away from him, but long story short, he had some, uh, some forms that

00:33:30.980 you could, so you could spray paint free throw lines and three point lines on, you know,

00:33:35.460 home basketball courts.

00:33:37.120 So he, I think he did a couple for a neighbor or did his own or did a couple for his neighbor.

00:33:41.160 And somebody's like, Hey, do you do pickleball courts?

00:33:43.520 And he's like, yeah, you know, but not really.

00:33:48.780 Yeah.

00:33:49.000 And so he called up a buddy and they ended up doing one or no, what did, how did he say

00:33:53.960 it?

00:33:54.800 He said, Hey, he called, he called up.

00:33:56.360 He's like, Hey, I think we could do this.

00:33:57.880 And the guy's like, do you want to do it?

00:33:59.520 And he's like, yeah, let's Jay's like, yeah, let's do it.

00:34:02.180 And that afternoon they had, or that weekend they had two courts that they were going to

00:34:05.760 paint.

00:34:06.060 Yeah.

00:34:06.840 So Jay's like, Oh man, I don't want to do the sales.

00:34:09.060 I'll do the other stuff.

00:34:09.940 So this guy's doing all the sales.

00:34:11.080 Jay's doing the, the actual, you know, the work of it and they did the, the courts.

00:34:16.140 And then the sales guy, his friend got a job with, if I remember correctly, a community

00:34:20.840 center.

00:34:21.940 And Jay's like, bro, if we're going to do a community center, we both get it better go

00:34:26.040 get a business license.

00:34:27.460 Yeah.

00:34:27.800 We better get insured.

00:34:29.440 So then they busted their butt to get their license and get insured.

00:34:32.660 And they went and did that.

00:34:33.540 And then, I mean, they're starting to blow up.

00:34:36.000 And now this guy who's going to retire from the police department after I believe 20

00:34:40.960 plus years, he's already working into his retirement.

00:34:44.500 He's already built another business.

00:34:46.300 So there's no transitionary period.

00:34:47.940 He can just roll right into his next business.

00:34:50.000 He's young, roll right into his next business.

00:34:52.160 And he's off to the races because he was just willing to start something without a whole

00:34:56.120 lot of direction and clarity on it.

00:34:57.360 Yeah, totally.

00:34:59.060 I love that story.

00:35:00.180 And the worst case scenario in that situation is he would have done the court, he would

00:35:04.940 have lost a couple grand on product or, you know, would have paint or whatever.

00:35:08.860 And the guy's like, no, I don't want, he's like, I don't like doing that.

00:35:11.440 And that's, that's it.

00:35:12.460 So he's out a couple grand.

00:35:13.680 I know it's not awesome, but it is what it is.

00:35:15.860 And it's tuition, as my friend Pete Roberts would say.

00:35:18.380 Yeah, totally.

00:35:19.280 It's part of the learning experience.

00:35:21.560 All right.

00:35:22.400 Dan Haas, 1989, girlfriend, and I are expecting a baby in October.

00:35:28.220 This is one of the first time dad advice.

00:35:32.600 Okay.

00:35:33.420 That's it.

00:35:34.460 What advice do you have?

00:35:35.600 First time dad.

00:35:40.220 Good luck.

00:35:41.220 We're not like figuring it out.

00:35:44.000 I, I mean, that's such a broad question, you know, that kind of reminds me that the,

00:35:49.220 the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of the questions that you ask.

00:35:52.780 And I don't want to beat them up too much, but it's like, what advice do you have?

00:35:56.340 What about, oh man, I could spend.

00:35:57.800 What are you worried about?

00:35:58.660 I could spend a month talking about the lessons I've learned, but yes, you brought up a good

00:36:03.180 point.

00:36:03.860 What are you concerned with?

00:36:05.880 I mean, generally I could tell you that, um, you know, try to take care of yourself.

00:36:10.700 That's important because you have this new little bundle of joy and they're taking up

00:36:15.280 a lot of your time and resources.

00:36:16.700 And that's just the way it is, especially as you're younger, but continue to try to take

00:36:20.780 care of yourself.

00:36:21.420 Continue to try to take care of her.

00:36:24.920 I think for fathers generally, it's harder for men to forage a really deep connection

00:36:32.340 with their children in the early years.

00:36:35.000 I think it's much easier for women. 1.00

00:36:36.360 So realize that that's probably going to take place.

00:36:40.820 Try to find ways to connect with the baby as best you can, but it is a challenge.

00:36:45.520 Uh, and she probably is generally speaking, women are going to take care of most of the 1.00

00:36:49.940 nurturing and motherly duties, including obviously nursing and things like that.

00:36:53.240 So I don't know.

00:36:55.380 It's a pretty broad question.

00:36:56.540 I, I just kind of figured it out and you learn as you go and just have patience for your

00:37:01.060 girlfriend, um, have patience for yourself, have patience with the baby. 1.00

00:37:06.420 And it's a lot.

00:37:07.400 It really is.

00:37:08.620 Um, but you'll get through it and you'll figure it out.

00:37:10.460 Try to build a good support system around you, whether it's parents or friends or whatever

00:37:16.620 it might be and enjoy, enjoy.

00:37:19.840 It's, it's tough, but it's beautiful.

00:37:21.400 It's a good thing.

00:37:22.060 Yeah.

00:37:23.240 All right.

00:37:24.740 What do you, do you have anything?

00:37:25.880 No, same.

00:37:26.820 I mean, I would, I would just repeat what you've said.

00:37:30.020 Enjoy it.

00:37:31.120 Yeah.

00:37:31.580 Embrace it.

00:37:33.460 Yeah.

00:37:33.940 And learn from it.

00:37:34.740 Yeah.

00:37:36.480 I always wonder on these questions, like any advice that we've given to guys as first

00:37:41.160 time parents, if they've ever like actually done any of the things or they're like, Oh,

00:37:44.960 okay, that's insightful.

00:37:45.880 And then they just, you know, but well, and on these types of questions, there isn't anything

00:37:51.800 profound I could share with you.

00:37:53.860 It's, it's all the advice that you've heard.

00:37:56.740 And that's kind of a challenge when you ask people for advice and they say, well, do this.

00:38:01.440 They're like, really?

00:38:01.960 That's it.

00:38:02.520 Yeah.

00:38:02.940 That's, that's it.

00:38:03.700 They're like looking for something better and more profound secret.

00:38:06.880 And then they end up discarding the advice because it isn't this incredibly articulated

00:38:11.260 secret that nobody else knows about, man.

00:38:14.520 If I knew about it, I'd be in a completely different situation than I am now.

00:38:18.640 So yeah, we all figured out to the best of our ability.

00:38:21.360 Yeah.

00:38:22.020 All right.

00:38:22.820 Derek Hudson Beller.

00:38:25.380 I'm divorced and remarried.

00:38:28.860 My ex-wife had two dot, my ex-wife and I had two daughters, 15 and 11.

00:38:34.520 And for the first five years of our divorce, we shared custody 50, 50 in October.

00:38:39.560 My ex told us she could no longer care for my daughters, which is great for me legally 0.97

00:38:46.520 through, uh, legally though, I had to still pay her child support in a divorce decree.

00:38:51.980 It's kind of a long question, went back and forth with courts.

00:38:56.180 She never ended up showing up, went for full custody, never showed up. 0.99

00:39:00.400 And now we're to where this is now where the ex texts and talks to his 11 year old,

00:39:06.920 but not the 15 year old.

00:39:08.960 We have established it because my 11 year old texts her first and my 15 year old is pissed

00:39:14.020 at her for not even showing up.

00:39:16.380 I think it would be best for her to have a relationship with her mom, but she's hurt 0.98

00:39:20.180 and refuses to try.

00:39:21.980 I encourage her to text her mom and express how she feels.

00:39:24.940 The one time she did her, uh, the one time she did, she acted like this was my daughter. 0.96

00:39:33.480 I don't know.

00:39:34.460 This, this doesn't make sense.

00:39:35.760 My daughter doesn't feel like her mom wants to, uh, wants her or likes her.

00:39:40.180 What can I do to help them repair the relationship?

00:39:42.820 Is it even worth it?

00:39:44.340 Is it better to help my daughter heal from this and move on?

00:39:47.540 Or do I keep encouraging her to have a relationship with her mother? 1.00

00:39:51.120 Sorry.

00:39:51.580 I slaughtered.

00:39:52.280 I think this is no, it's a, yeah.

00:39:54.800 I think this is one of those situations to go back to a previous question where you're

00:39:58.480 looking for the, the math formula.

00:40:00.440 Two plus two is four.

00:40:01.820 Yeah.

00:40:02.060 And I, and I think that's what you're looking for right here.

00:40:04.960 Like what variable I'm missing.

00:40:06.960 If I just plug that variable in, then the equation will play out the way it's supposed

00:40:10.560 to.

00:40:11.220 Right.

00:40:11.660 And I just don't think it's going to work like that.

00:40:14.640 I don't, you don't know your ex's motives.

00:40:17.820 Uh, and, and so I think we need to be careful of assuming what they are, but also it is important

00:40:23.160 to validate the way your 15 year old is feeling, not by necessarily agreeing with her, but just

00:40:27.980 helping her understand that you get her.

00:40:31.300 Yeah.

00:40:31.800 And so a great phrase is, oh, I'm sorry, babe.

00:40:34.840 I, yeah, I understand how you'd feel like that.

00:40:37.440 You know, if, if I were in that situation, I might feel that way too.

00:40:42.800 Those are all validating things that you can say where you actually understand what they're

00:40:46.960 dealing with.

00:40:48.340 And, and, and, and those moments, it's probably not even time for a, but yeah, I understand

00:40:53.720 how you feel, but you should, I would avoid that because again, you're not validating.

00:40:59.900 You, you did the phrase, you said the words, but then everything that came after it just

00:41:04.900 completely invalidated the way that she's feeling.

00:41:07.440 Yeah.

00:41:07.800 I know you're feeling like that, but do it anyways.

00:41:10.940 And that's not a good, healthy message to receive.

00:41:15.240 Instead it's, yeah, I understand 15 years old.

00:41:19.080 I mean, she can start making her own decisions. 0.99

00:41:21.420 Hey, I understand how you'd feel that way.

00:41:23.000 What are you thinking you want to do?

00:41:25.740 Or better yet, ask her questions.

00:41:28.880 Yeah.

00:41:29.140 Mom didn't call me again.

00:41:30.420 Oh man.

00:41:31.260 How does that make you feel?

00:41:33.520 Why do you feel that way?

00:41:35.500 Hmm.

00:41:36.260 I can understand how you'd feel that way.

00:41:38.200 What do you think you're going to do to address it?

00:41:41.340 Now she might say, well, I'm going to keep trying.

00:41:43.520 So yeah, I think that's a good idea.

00:41:45.700 You should like in what ways, or she might say, I'm never going to call her again.

00:41:50.280 And yeah, I understand how you'd feel that way.

00:41:55.120 What, what would need to change in the relationship for you to feel better about it?

00:41:58.780 I mean, you're just helping her navigate some of her own emotions.

00:42:02.260 You're not fixing.

00:42:03.460 You're not solving.

00:42:04.580 You're not speaking highly of her mother.

00:42:06.340 You're not assuming what her mother's intentions are.

00:42:08.460 You're not speaking poorly of her mother.

00:42:09.900 You're just helping a 15 year old navigate through this experience that she's having.

00:42:15.580 And it's got to be painful.

00:42:17.740 I would feel the same way.

00:42:19.420 If my dad didn't reach, he reached out to my sister, but didn't reach out to me, I would

00:42:23.180 feel very much the same way.

00:42:24.900 So I would say, try to put yourself in her shoes.

00:42:27.920 It's not your job to fix the relationship between her and her mother.

00:42:32.260 It's your job to help your daughter navigate what she's experiencing and then allowing her to

00:42:37.460 come up with some of her own decisions.

00:42:38.980 Now, sure, you can navigate the conversation into things that are healthy, but there comes

00:42:44.900 a point in time where there isn't really a whole lot you can do.

00:42:48.120 And in fact, if you tried to do things, it might make the situation worse.

00:42:55.420 Would you counter to that?

00:42:56.880 Would you add to that, Kip?

00:42:57.800 What do you think?

00:42:58.340 I think it's perfect advice.

00:43:02.040 You, he knows it, right?

00:43:04.220 Mom didn't fight for custody. 1.00

00:43:05.780 Who knows?

00:43:06.240 She probably had a strong relationship with her mom.

00:43:08.980 Your parent really exits.

00:43:12.360 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:43:13.160 I can't take care of you.

00:43:14.220 Any kid would internalize that from the perspective of I'm not good enough to fight for.

00:43:20.380 So that's how she feels.

00:43:22.260 And then for her to have a relationship with the one daughter, not her, man, that's probably

00:43:26.980 just like slapping the face even more.

00:43:29.720 So without a doubt, she does not feel like she's worth it or not lovable or not good enough

00:43:39.920 for her mom.

00:43:41.520 So I would take all of the same advice that Ryan already gave around how to handle it with

00:43:46.980 her mom and then double down and let, make sure that your relationship is solid with your

00:43:52.360 daughter because she is in the state of thinking that she's not good enough to be lovable.

00:43:58.000 That is a major problem.

00:44:02.660 And so she needs to know that, that she's getting that from you, that she is worth it, that she

00:44:08.920 is seen, that she is worth fighting for.

00:44:11.560 And so I would make sure that you're doing everything possible on your side of relationship.

00:44:15.640 And we should all be doing that anyway, regardless of the circumstance.

00:44:18.280 But this is even more critical because you need to make sure that your daughter doesn't

00:44:23.920 feel that way.

00:44:26.200 Yeah.

00:44:27.360 There's also just talking about the realities of life.

00:44:31.660 I mean, this is going to happen again, not with her mother, but she's going to get dumped

00:44:35.460 at some point in her life.

00:44:37.300 You know, she's going to get fired at some point in her life, maybe like these things 0.95

00:44:41.020 are going to happen.

00:44:41.620 And so this might actually be a really healthy moment to explain to her that people have their

00:44:47.320 issues.

00:44:47.980 We can't assume what they are.

00:44:49.580 We don't know what they are, but we have to learn through mechanisms how to free ourselves

00:44:57.640 from what other people might do to us.

00:45:01.980 Even if, even unintentionally, like I'm sure her mother doesn't hate her.

00:45:06.180 Yeah.

00:45:07.060 It might, maybe, but I'm sure maybe her mom, look, here's a scenario.

00:45:11.420 Maybe her mom like has a hard time with her daughter because she feels so much guilt and

00:45:18.200 shame about the situation.

00:45:20.080 Or maybe her daughter reminds her way too much of you and it's painful for her.

00:45:26.360 Like we don't know.

00:45:27.840 And I'm not saying that any of that is a good justified reason for banning your daughter.

00:45:32.740 That's not what I'm saying.

00:45:33.780 I'm saying we don't know what's happening.

00:45:35.560 And I think it's a really good moment to explain that, Hey, we can be independent on our own.

00:45:42.300 We can be strong.

00:45:43.660 People are going to slight us intentionally and unintentionally.

00:45:47.740 People at times in our lives are going to take advantage of us.

00:45:50.220 Some people just flat out aren't going to like us.

00:45:52.900 We need to be able to stand on our own two feet and be secure and confident enough in

00:45:56.800 ourselves that it impacts us less than somebody who hasn't learned to be confident and independent

00:46:02.100 like we're trying to show you to be.

00:46:04.000 Yeah.

00:46:04.380 I just really good learning moments here.

00:46:06.640 I just had this thought and what's interesting by having empathy, it reduces the pain and suffering

00:46:14.800 that we have or reduces the story that we have about ourselves.

00:46:18.940 Like if I choose to have empathy and consider your way of being Ryan and not take a personal,

00:46:27.180 then that means I'm not taking a personal and that the suffering that I receive on this end,

00:46:32.100 is reduced by me being empathetic of you.

00:46:36.640 That is just a natural product.

00:46:39.300 If I make you wrong, then it also affects me more in a negative way.

00:46:45.460 And so I really like what you just said, maybe help her have some empathy around her mom.

00:46:52.100 And that would really reduce the amount of attack that she's probably assuming on her side is at the

00:46:58.460 same time.

00:46:58.960 Yeah.

00:47:00.980 Yeah.

00:47:01.780 Interesting.

00:47:02.340 You know, I have a little bit of an experience with that.

00:47:04.460 My oldest son was pretty upset when I went through my divorce and rightfully so.

00:47:10.120 And for the past early on, about a year, year and a half ago, it's really upset, really,

00:47:15.980 really bitter towards me.

00:47:17.500 Again, I get it rightfully so.

00:47:20.000 And the relationship was really hard, but we had a good conversation.

00:47:24.820 I won't get into the specifics because that's between him and I, but we had a really good

00:47:28.620 conversation a couple of weeks ago.

00:47:31.060 And you know what I heard in his voice, which was really interesting, is I heard that.

00:47:34.580 I heard empathy in his voice.

00:47:37.040 Now, granted, it feels good for me because there's some reconciliation there and the relationship

00:47:41.460 is improving, but more importantly than that, his ability to be empathetic and try to embrace

00:47:50.040 some level of grace for me.

00:47:52.020 Again, this is biased, but even unbiased, I noticed a sense of lightness in him.

00:47:59.560 Less contentious, more light, more, this is okay.

00:48:05.220 And I was glad for him in that moment because he was learning to let go.

00:48:10.840 And also, biased, I was really glad for me and our relationship, but it was very good that

00:48:17.860 I could sense that lightness in him and just an ability to just kind of start letting go of that

00:48:22.060 a little bit and move on with something that could potentially be now.

00:48:28.440 Michael J., hey, Ryan and Kip, big fan of yours here in Slovakia, so that you know we're

00:48:35.300 listening to you guys here from Europe.

00:48:38.180 My question to you is, how do you keep fresh mind when you don't see viable results from

00:48:43.540 your efforts?

00:48:44.120 You know that you're doing the right things, but it's still, it's hard to convince your

00:48:49.880 mind that it's good for you when hardly anything changes.

00:48:54.380 Thanks and take care.

00:48:57.060 Yeah.

00:48:58.020 Well, I think the mentality of just knowing you're doing the right thing is really going

00:49:02.980 to serve you.

00:49:03.540 Because you said that, I know I'm doing the right thing.

00:49:05.840 And so sometimes in life, it's just a matter of bearing down.

00:49:09.960 Yeah.

00:49:10.800 I know it's uncomfortable.

00:49:12.480 I don't want to do this.

00:49:13.800 This isn't going to help.

00:49:15.300 But in the back of your mind, it's saying, hey, this is the right thing.

00:49:17.880 Then you just have to bear down and exert all your willpower, all your discipline, all

00:49:22.120 your effort, everything you can do to get through that moment in time, because that's

00:49:26.300 what the situation requires.

00:49:30.180 There's also a couple other things you can do.

00:49:33.040 Get somebody, again, who's in the same situation or has been in the past.

00:49:40.080 Consult with them.

00:49:40.780 You know, for example, if you're trying to lose 100 pounds this year, you're 300 pounds,

00:49:48.720 you want to get down to 200 pounds.

00:49:50.940 There's going to be moments where it feels like you're doing everything right.

00:49:55.340 You're eating correctly.

00:49:56.960 You're fueling your body correctly.

00:49:58.560 You're dieting.

00:49:59.520 You're exercising.

00:50:01.140 You're doing everything right.

00:50:02.320 And you're not seeing the results as quickly as you would like.

00:50:04.460 So most people, because they live on an island, they revert back to their old patterns and

00:50:10.180 then they never lose money or any weight.

00:50:12.360 And then they say, see, it's not supposed to work for me.

00:50:18.060 But the reality of the situation is that it is supposed to work for you.

00:50:21.960 You just didn't stay doing it long enough.

00:50:24.800 So find somebody who's been on the same path or maybe they're just a little bit further

00:50:28.760 ahead and say, hey, man, like, I know you lost a ton of weight last year and you've been

00:50:33.320 able to keep it off.

00:50:34.080 You look great, by the way.

00:50:36.160 You can see I'm trying to lose 100 pounds.

00:50:38.460 I'm down 30, but I've hit this plateau.

00:50:41.020 What did you do?

00:50:42.520 And then that person's going to give you some perspective because they've gone through

00:50:46.160 that, too.

00:50:46.620 Trust me.

00:50:47.100 Or in business, you know, maybe you're rocking and rolling and the business is growing and

00:50:52.200 income is coming in and then all of a sudden it's like that spigot shuts off and you're

00:50:57.640 stressed out and you're worried and you're thinking maybe the business is over and you're

00:51:02.200 coming up with exit strategies and you're stressing out instead of doing the work that

00:51:05.820 would actually keep you in the business.

00:51:07.520 Go find another successful business owner.

00:51:10.340 I promise you they've been through that stage.

00:51:13.180 What did they do to overcome it?

00:51:14.460 And then the third advice, so maintain the course of action, find people who have gone

00:51:19.160 through that process.

00:51:20.020 The third advice I would give you is just shake it up a little bit, like do something

00:51:24.780 different.

00:51:26.080 You just have to do something different sometimes because life becomes so monotonous and so boring

00:51:31.060 and it's just, it's miserable sometimes.

00:51:34.100 You know, if you're training hard for a powerlifting competition, you might just be worn down mentally

00:51:41.700 and emotionally every day.

00:51:42.880 I have to go do deadlifts and bench and squat and pull ups.

00:51:45.480 I just, uh, okay, go do something else.

00:51:48.520 Like go, like go put a strap around your waist and hit, hook it to your toe hitch and go pull

00:51:55.560 your truck down the driveway.

00:51:58.700 And I'm not joking.

00:51:59.680 Like don't hurt yourself because you've got a competition, but just mix it up.

00:52:03.660 Do something different and unique that reinvigorates you, that brings you back to life.

00:52:08.180 And then you can go back to your, your schedule.

00:52:10.900 And by the way, you're not taking a step backwards.

00:52:12.920 You're just taking a step to the side.

00:52:15.960 So you're not reverting back to old ways.

00:52:18.200 You're just saying, I'm going to deviate a little bit.

00:52:20.060 And then you can come back on, but I'm just, but it's, it's not a backward step.

00:52:24.920 It's a, it's a sideways step.

00:52:26.840 And then you come back on the path.

00:52:28.480 That's been helpful for me because I lose focus.

00:52:31.220 I can be really, really focused on something.

00:52:33.700 That's a superpower of mine, but then I can lose that focus when I get fixated on something else.

00:52:41.360 So in order for me to stay in the game, I have to do things differently.

00:52:45.840 Otherwise I'll just tap out.

00:52:49.000 I mean, you know that about me.

00:52:50.040 You said it like that's a lot of the events that we do are a by-product of me saying, I'm not doing,

00:52:54.920 I'm sick of that one.

00:52:56.140 I don't want to do that one anymore.

00:52:58.280 Even though it's great.

00:52:59.260 Yeah.

00:53:00.500 That's, I just need to do something different, but it's always in the same vein too.

00:53:03.600 Right.

00:53:04.140 That's another thing you can do something different, but it has to be in alignment with your vision

00:53:08.880 and mission, not completely separate from.

00:53:11.780 Yeah.

00:53:12.000 Well, I mean that that's a foundational principle, the value of cross training, right?

00:53:18.020 Swimmers, the Olympic swimmers cross train.

00:53:20.860 Why?

00:53:22.140 Cause if they only swam, guess what?

00:53:24.040 They wouldn't get as good.

00:53:26.060 And that same principle of cross training is even applicable to personal and leadership

00:53:31.040 development.

00:53:31.580 You want to get better at relationships.

00:53:33.940 Sometimes it's not the relationships you need to focus on.

00:53:36.460 It's the other thing that will make those relationships better.

00:53:39.800 Right.

00:53:40.380 So there's, there's value in cross training.

00:53:42.100 It's a fundamental principle.

00:53:44.100 Um, so yeah, that's, that's sound.

00:53:47.100 All right.

00:53:48.280 Um, macho one, one, three.

00:53:51.900 I'm 43 single, been single for six years.

00:53:56.640 I'm comfortable alone, but I know a man isn't designed to live alone.

00:54:02.280 Question is, I struggle not to get discouraged with the stupid MagTow thing.

00:54:07.480 I see many women go for guys with just money or who have manipulate and play the game. 1.00

00:54:14.260 I feel like I own, I, I, I feel like if I own your house, a business and have it together,

00:54:22.420 only the single moms with two to three kids who have been screwed over by previous mentioned 1.00

00:54:28.860 people.

00:54:29.460 It was hard.

00:54:33.340 Okay.

00:54:33.440 I'm going to, I'm going to say some things and everything I'm going to say is because

00:54:37.560 I care about you.

00:54:40.160 You are so focused on what everybody else is doing and you're not focused enough on yourself.

00:54:47.580 What does MagTow, men going their own way, have to do with the way that you show up?

00:54:55.180 It doesn't.

00:54:56.300 Now, are people impacted by those types of movements?

00:54:59.940 Yes.

00:55:00.700 And you are going to find women who only want your money or only want accolade or whatever, 0.99

00:55:08.020 like whatever it is.

00:55:08.980 You're going to find women like that. 1.00

00:55:11.540 But instead of focusing on that, focus on the things that you can do.

00:55:15.700 And I would start with this.

00:55:17.760 Why do you want to be with somebody?

00:55:20.640 And also, why are you alone?

00:55:26.080 Are you alone because you're afraid?

00:55:28.400 I don't know.

00:55:29.240 You didn't say that, but I'm just wondering, are you alone because you're afraid of putting

00:55:33.700 yourself into the dating pool?

00:55:35.960 Are you alone because you actually just like being alone and that's okay?

00:55:41.160 Are you alone because you've created all of these stories in your head about women, this

00:55:45.920 and women that, and that women are out to get my money? 1.00

00:55:48.700 And why?

00:55:50.600 Why are you?

00:55:51.200 Ask yourself that and be honest.

00:55:52.640 You don't have to answer me.

00:55:53.440 Just answer yourself.

00:55:54.280 And then once you know why you're alone and you decide, let's say you do decide, no, I'm

00:56:00.400 actually pretty good just dating and being single, fine, by all means.

00:56:04.960 But if you decide, no, I actually really would like to have a partner, then the next question

00:56:09.580 is, what am I looking for in a woman? 1.00

00:56:12.120 Because if you just go on all the dating apps, you're probably just going to find hot women 1.00

00:56:18.140 with big tits if you don't identify what you want. 1.00

00:56:23.300 And the odds of that aligning with what you probably actually want is going to be few and

00:56:29.060 far between.

00:56:31.400 So instead, you need to have a standard or a litmus test through which you can filter

00:56:36.820 your decision-making process with women.

00:56:39.880 So if you want somebody that's single, obviously at your age, that's going to, excuse me, wives, 0.99

00:56:48.500 of course, single.

00:56:49.440 I meant without kids.

00:56:51.000 Obviously at your age, that's going to negate a lot of people.

00:56:56.240 Absolutely.

00:56:56.840 Like you're 43 years old.

00:56:58.520 I'm 43 years old.

00:56:59.700 Like the women you're going to date are going to have kids. 0.90

00:57:02.160 If that's a deal breaker for you, I don't really know what to tell you.

00:57:05.320 You're probably going to be alone unless you find the unicorn.

00:57:08.960 You're probably going to be alone for a lot of your life.

00:57:11.740 And I'll tell you what, a woman who doesn't have kids, who's 40 years old, probably has 1.00

00:57:19.540 some shit that you need to be really, really aware of because there's a reason that she's

00:57:26.180 40 without kids.

00:57:27.320 Maybe she's hyper-independent.

00:57:31.200 Maybe she's a raging feminist. 1.00

00:57:32.860 There's all sorts of things that it could be that also come with the territory.

00:57:38.120 But if you're thinking to yourself, no, I don't want five kids.

00:57:41.820 That's fine.

00:57:42.560 You don't, you don't, you're not obligated to date a woman with five kids.

00:57:45.980 Maybe your pool is one to two kids max.

00:57:48.900 That's fine.

00:57:49.480 Maybe you want somebody who has blonde hair. 1.00

00:57:53.600 Maybe you want somebody who, these are immutable characteristics, of course, but maybe you want

00:57:57.640 somebody who's sweet and kind.

00:58:00.740 Okay.

00:58:01.060 That's different than maybe somebody who's independent and confrontational or agreeable

00:58:07.660 of the big five personality traits.

00:58:09.260 Like you have to know exactly what you're looking for because then you're going to filter all 0.80

00:58:13.600 of that decision-making process through that.

00:58:15.160 And when a woman doesn't meet the criteria, then she doesn't get any further. 1.00

00:58:21.580 It does one or the thing, it puts you in the vicinity of women who you want to be around. 0.98

00:58:27.220 So if you want to be around really successful, you want a woman who's successful, she's got 1.00

00:58:32.160 a business and, and, and she's an entrepreneur.

00:58:34.760 And I like that because, uh, she's, she's going to be independent and we're going to have

00:58:40.540 a great relationship, but I'm still having my life.

00:58:42.500 She's still going to have her life. 0.64

00:58:43.640 Okay.

00:58:44.520 Well then maybe you need to start going to some business luncheons and events and start

00:58:48.780 meeting some people because that's where business owners are.

00:58:52.600 But the point I'm making here is that you've got to have some litmus test or some idea of

00:58:58.040 what you want.

00:58:58.580 Otherwise, yeah, you're going to find a lot of women you don't. 0.99

00:59:01.760 Yeah.

00:59:02.320 Well, and I think this is a fundamental principle that you're kind of alluding to here.

00:59:06.380 Whenever we say a general statement like this, well, all the women, all the men, they're

00:59:12.300 this way, they're that way.

00:59:13.640 The probability is whenever you're in a position of blaming or shaming others, it's because

00:59:20.800 you need to be re actually reflecting on yourself.

00:59:26.700 And, and that's the reality.

00:59:28.640 So whether the, not, I mean, not all women are a certain way, not all men are a certain

00:59:34.480 way.

00:59:34.700 Of course not.

00:59:35.240 And, and if we do see them, like our paradigm is that they are, are all a certain way, then

00:59:41.900 the probability is our, our paradigm and our perspective is what needs to be changing.

00:59:48.780 Uh, and you're, you're going to be showing up from a, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy,

00:59:54.160 looking for evidence of how this is always true.

00:59:57.400 And it's showing up all over in your life because it's your judgment.

01:00:02.400 Yeah.

01:00:02.840 And we're looking for reasons, uh, and excuses of our, our circumstance.

01:00:08.840 And so we blame others.

01:00:10.220 So be mindful.

01:00:12.560 Well, there's another thing that happens too, Kip, that I've seen is that at 43 years old,

01:00:17.380 you're no spring chicken, right?

01:00:18.380 I'm 43 as well.

01:00:20.240 And like, you know, we're halfway through our, more than halfway through our life at this

01:00:23.940 point, if we lived a life expectancy.

01:00:25.540 Totally.

01:00:26.180 So what ends up happening, it sounds like he's never been married, never had any kids.

01:00:31.740 Is that right?

01:00:32.640 He doesn't say.

01:00:35.000 Okay.

01:00:35.600 I don't know if that's the case, but I've seen a lot of guys fall into this.

01:00:40.220 Um, desperation frame.

01:00:43.100 Yeah.

01:00:43.540 They're just desperate for affection, desperate for love, desperate for validation from women. 0.99

01:00:49.040 They're just desperate.

01:00:50.940 And then when you're desperate like that, not only are you not going to attract the kind

01:00:55.580 of woman who you actually probably want, you're going to do the opposite.

01:01:00.100 You're going to attract broken women to fill this need, this void that you have. 1.00

01:01:06.360 And you're going to know it, but you're going to overlook all of the red flags because your

01:01:12.940 desperation is the priority.

01:01:14.600 Yeah.

01:01:14.700 And, and so that's why another reason to have an idea of the type of woman you're looking 0.59

01:01:21.720 for is important because it, it hampers the desperation because you know, like, oh man,

01:01:29.580 this is a great, look, could be a great woman, but maybe she doesn't hit one of your non-negotiables. 1.00

01:01:36.060 It's, it's hard.

01:01:38.660 Cause you're like, I have this great woman, but she's that. 1.00

01:01:40.780 Okay.

01:01:41.180 Then it's a non-negotiable and you've got to end that relationship quickly.

01:01:45.800 So you can find somebody who meets the criteria.

01:01:49.340 And that's hard too, because you have to be reasonable in your criteria.

01:01:55.140 Yeah.

01:01:56.060 Right.

01:01:56.320 If you're 43 years old, you're, you're like, I'm going to, I'm going to find this smoking

01:02:00.760 hot woman, never been married, no kids. 1.00

01:02:03.980 She makes seven figures a year and she's, you know, on the cover of Vogue magazine. 0.99

01:02:09.360 Like, okay.

01:02:10.340 I'm the best thing ever.

01:02:11.560 I appreciate the ambition.

01:02:13.680 What's that?

01:02:14.600 And thinks I'm the best thing ever.

01:02:15.980 Yeah, exactly.

01:02:18.100 I'm like, I appreciate the ambition, but you know, maybe we ought to take a look at ourselves

01:02:23.040 and say, well, am I worthy of that?

01:02:24.680 Cause I know I'm not, I might not be so, but no, you can, there are so many great, there

01:02:32.600 are so many great women out there. 0.90

01:02:34.420 If, if you know what you're looking for because you've thought about it, the other thing it

01:02:41.160 does is that when there are issues that come up and there will be, you can work through

01:02:47.200 them because you know, you found somebody you want.

01:02:51.340 Like this is a person I want.

01:02:53.180 And I'm not so oblivious to realize that they're going to have everything perfect, but they

01:02:58.460 have enough of what I want that we can work through the challenges and the differences

01:03:03.620 and the hurdles that we'll inevitably face last thought on this last thought.

01:03:08.300 I promise years and years ago, this is before like there were Ted talks.

01:03:13.380 There was a talk that was done on Google campus called the paradox of choice and it was recorded.

01:03:19.820 You could download the MP3 and it rocked my world.

01:03:23.120 And, and I wish I could quote who the professor was that spoke about this, but the, the, the

01:03:31.920 general gist was that the emotional state that you're in when making a decision is a high

01:03:40.620 determines success more than the actual decision itself.

01:03:45.000 And so if you have this mentality that most women are X, Y, Z, that they're this problem 1.00

01:03:55.280 and they're all screwed up and then you compromise and you say, well, good enough.

01:04:02.620 Your emotional state will guarantee it will not work because the minute gets hard.

01:04:07.860 What are you going to jump to?

01:04:09.660 I knew it.

01:04:11.060 All women are this way. 1.00

01:04:12.880 See, see, see evidence.

01:04:14.680 Evidence, dude, you got to get your mindset straight going into choices.

01:04:20.720 Otherwise, if there's any level of compromise or if there's any level of doubt or judgment

01:04:27.620 that's harsh going into a decision, you will regret it.

01:04:32.440 And so be confident.

01:04:35.000 And this is why marriages, by the way, according to this, this talk, this is why marriages are

01:04:41.400 more difficult to be successful because back in the day, Ryan, you and I, if, if a long

01:04:47.660 time ago, right, we're in a village and there's 12 women to choose from in the village, you'd 0.70

01:04:51.520 pick one.

01:04:53.180 What's, what's the confidence level in your decision?

01:04:55.340 Pretty high, right?

01:04:56.860 One out of 12.

01:04:57.920 I know.

01:04:58.320 Yeah.

01:04:58.420 You got 12 to choose from.

01:04:59.720 And I know the one and I know all 12, right?

01:05:02.000 So like, of course my confidence is higher.

01:05:04.720 Then we open up to the world and say, oh, no, no, no.

01:05:07.640 You can find millions of different women. 1.00

01:05:11.140 That might be a possibility due to, to social media and dating apps.

01:05:16.060 Now where's your confidence that you chose the correct person?

01:05:20.840 Really low.

01:05:21.360 Yeah, of course it's low.

01:05:22.700 And that goes into your possible times of regret when things get difficult.

01:05:28.420 It's fascinating.

01:05:30.960 So I may have found who it is.

01:05:33.740 Barry Schwartz.

01:05:35.160 He's a American psychologist, psychologist, the professor of social theory and social action

01:05:40.520 at Swarthmore college.

01:05:43.160 He's got a book paradox of choice.

01:05:44.980 And he talks about these two things.

01:05:46.640 Number one, choice paralysis, meaning we end up making no choice at all because we're paralyzed

01:05:51.300 by the variety of options.

01:05:52.880 And number two, a degradation and satisfaction.

01:05:55.540 Having an abundance of choices makes it easier for us to blame ourselves for not making

01:05:59.060 the right decision.

01:05:59.920 And as a result, we tend to regret our actions, feel anxious, stressed, et cetera, et cetera.

01:06:04.120 Yeah.

01:06:04.800 It's the big menu versus a simple menu.

01:06:08.420 You go to Cheesecake Factory, you get your meal.

01:06:10.460 It could be great, but you'll wonder, did I choose the best thing on the menu?

01:06:15.000 Did I get the right one?

01:06:15.860 Right?

01:06:16.460 When you go to the burgers and it's like cheese, bacon, or plain bacon.

01:06:22.700 Did I choose the right one?

01:06:23.700 Absolutely.

01:06:27.060 It's fascinating.

01:06:28.220 Lower your expectations is what I hear you saying, kid.

01:06:31.340 Lower your standards.

01:06:32.340 That's what I hear you saying.

01:06:33.960 All right.

01:06:34.360 We got.

01:06:34.940 All right.

01:06:35.320 Let's take maybe one or two more.

01:06:36.500 Okay.

01:06:36.620 We got the best, we got the best Instagram name so far in the history of the old man

01:06:42.060 podcast coming from big, six, big, sexy, 87.

01:06:47.280 His question.

01:06:48.380 Oh yeah.

01:06:48.700 Yeah.

01:06:49.080 Big sexy, 87.

01:06:50.360 Let's go, baby.

01:06:51.660 All right.

01:06:52.340 Hey, Ryan, how can you learn to let go of bitterness towards someone?

01:06:57.100 If someone wrongs me or if I feel there is an injustice, I feel like I have to make a point

01:07:04.520 to say something about it to them, even when it would cause me more headache than not saying

01:07:10.580 anything.

01:07:14.720 Yeah.

01:07:15.360 Well, okay.

01:07:16.120 So I was writing a couple of things down as you're saying that number one benefit of the

01:07:20.720 doubt.

01:07:20.960 You don't know, you don't know, you don't, it doesn't matter what somebody did to you.

01:07:27.980 You do not know their circumstances.

01:07:29.740 I'm not saying it makes it right.

01:07:31.820 It's not a justification for their behavior.

01:07:34.180 I'm just saying you don't know.

01:07:36.660 So if you're going to make things up, make something up that's more favorable and paints

01:07:42.160 them in a more favorable light because it's freeing for you.

01:07:44.860 It's not about them.

01:07:46.860 It's freeing for you.

01:07:48.460 You said it yourself.

01:07:49.260 You do things, you know, it's going to create a harder time for you.

01:07:52.160 I got to wonder if you're ambitious enough on real things, good things, because if you're

01:08:00.000 ambitious on things that are meaningful, like a new relationship or a new business or your

01:08:05.260 own health and wealth, you're not, you're going to be like, yeah, I could be pissed off

01:08:09.560 and I don't have time for that shit.

01:08:12.020 Another thing is empathy.

01:08:15.140 We already talked about empathy.

01:08:17.440 You don't, again, we don't know the reasons.

01:08:18.700 They could have had a bad childhood.

01:08:20.180 They could have made a mistake.

01:08:21.140 They could, whatever, empathy could have been just an accident and you're, you're attributing

01:08:25.180 it to malice.

01:08:26.420 Maybe they're just dumb and they don't even know they're oblivious.

01:08:29.400 And then the other one, and this has been important for me, is to acknowledge the good

01:08:34.760 in a person.

01:08:36.400 I think very rarely are you going to enter into any sort of relationship with somebody

01:08:41.520 who doesn't have some redeeming qualities.

01:08:45.840 A business partner, for example, might just have an incredible level of business acumen,

01:08:52.000 very detailed, very analytical, just an incredible marketer.

01:08:57.580 But you know, their, their, their morals as it relates to partnerships and that is a little

01:09:02.460 bit off to say the least.

01:09:04.300 Well, you can acknowledge both.

01:09:07.960 You can acknowledge that I'm never going to get into business with that person again

01:09:10.840 because they have questionable morals when it comes to their, that, their value and how

01:09:14.160 they, how they treat this relationship.

01:09:16.060 But man, if they aren't a genius, you know, or, or, or other people who maybe don't have

01:09:23.140 the financial means and resources.

01:09:24.460 And we're so quick to judge these people poorly because they're lazy or they, whatever, when

01:09:31.140 that could be the kindest soul in the world who spends a crazy amount of time giving back

01:09:36.860 to community and serving and helping other people.

01:09:40.640 So, and, and even in relationships, broken down relationships with kids or with exes, like

01:09:47.160 there's a lot of things to be contentious about and you could focus on that.

01:09:50.700 Or you could say, Hey, but you know what?

01:09:52.200 She's a great mom to my kids and I'm grateful for that.

01:09:55.960 We have a lot of good memories and I'm grateful for that.

01:09:59.160 So I would say again, acknowledge the good, give people the benefit of the doubt, have some

01:10:03.520 empathy and find something better to do with your time.

01:10:07.500 You're not busy enough.

01:10:10.320 Once you get busy enough with real valuable stuff, you just won't have time to try to make

01:10:17.600 a snippy comment to somebody like you're talking about.

01:10:20.260 It just won't even be on your radar because you're too busy doing good.

01:10:23.020 Yeah.

01:10:25.500 I had, I have two statements.

01:10:27.200 The first is, and I've used this for myself in my past, that I don't think when all said

01:10:36.240 and done and I die, that God is going to get mad at me for giving people the benefit of

01:10:43.820 the doubt and for not, you know, dragging their face in the mud when they deserved it. 0.63

01:10:51.260 The only people that have that mentality is the world.

01:10:54.580 That's what society teach.

01:10:55.900 Oh, you're, you're, you're, uh, letting them take advantage of you.

01:10:59.080 I don't think the Lord's ever going to go.

01:11:00.400 You know what, Kip?

01:11:00.920 You really allowed, you really loved and you allowed, you took too many chances and gave

01:11:07.280 people an opportunities and, and saw the good in them, right?

01:11:11.260 Bad job.

01:11:12.180 I doubt it.

01:11:13.600 And so let it go.

01:11:17.580 And, and you want to get rid of your heart at war towards this person.

01:11:22.820 Your question was, how can you learn to let go of the bitterness towards someone?

01:11:28.960 You know how you let go of it is you go apologize for your bitterness.

01:11:37.260 That's how you apologize for what you're doing wrong.

01:11:42.400 And what you're doing wrong is having a heart at war and bitterness towards someone.

01:11:46.160 Now that's hard, but you own you and you let them do you like you let them do what they're

01:11:54.880 doing and you own how you're showing up.

01:11:57.580 Yeah, because you have to do that.

01:11:59.580 We have to do that without, and you're saying this, but without the expectation of anything

01:12:03.660 in return.

01:12:04.240 Absolutely.

01:12:06.240 Not even a, even if they weren't even going to acknowledge your apology, you should still

01:12:10.820 do it.

01:12:11.020 Totally.

01:12:11.620 Cause it's not for them.

01:12:12.860 There's nothing to do with them.

01:12:14.020 Yeah.

01:12:14.340 This is you.

01:12:15.020 You're freeing yourself of that burden.

01:12:16.320 Yeah.

01:12:16.500 This is you clearing up your integrity and being clear and complete with yourself, regardless

01:12:22.420 of what they're doing.

01:12:24.980 Yeah.

01:12:26.520 The only other thing I was thinking about as you were saying that Kip is I wrote this

01:12:29.760 down.

01:12:30.260 Give people a chance to do the right thing too.

01:12:32.520 Yeah.

01:12:34.120 You know, like how many times have you, and I'm saying there's some things that are just

01:12:37.860 egregious enough where you're not going to give them a second chance for anything.

01:12:41.520 But then there are certain things and it could be just a stupid conversation.

01:12:45.020 That you had with your wife where you guys both lost your cool and you could dig in

01:12:50.540 your heels and you could be a dickhead about it. 0.93

01:12:52.560 And maybe you were right to some degree, or you could just go to her and say, Hey, hon,

01:12:57.360 look, I both got heated.

01:13:00.800 I lost my temper.

01:13:02.200 I said some things I shouldn't have said.

01:13:04.020 I'm really sorry.

01:13:05.700 I'm going to just let this go.

01:13:07.500 Move on.

01:13:08.160 We've got a great thing going.

01:13:09.500 Like that, that's not going to get in the way for me.

01:13:12.680 And then afford her some grace.

01:13:15.260 And maybe she says the same thing.

01:13:16.540 Yeah, you're right.

01:13:17.540 God, we were idiots.

01:13:19.120 Like, I'm sorry.

01:13:20.060 And then you have to let it go.

01:13:22.760 Yeah.

01:13:23.600 You can't hold on to it if you said you're not going to hold on to it.

01:13:26.720 So you give her the opportunity to, to write the ship, to make it right.

01:13:31.360 Just like you would want to be afforded that same opportunity, but you can't do that unless

01:13:36.240 you're willing to vocalize the problem with people.

01:13:39.480 Kip, if you slighted me in some perceived way, I owe you the respect of telling you that.

01:13:49.480 Because the alternative is me not telling you, but I don't know, being passive aggressive

01:13:54.580 with you, throwing you under the bus, cutting you out of certain things that we're doing 0.95

01:13:59.320 here within our organization.

01:14:01.640 Instead, I mean, you and I have actually had personal conversations like this.

01:14:06.600 And it's, it's usually you telling me that I did something because I'm the greater idiot

01:14:11.400 than you.

01:14:12.040 So I just want to be clear on that.

01:14:14.320 But you've always been good about affording me the opportunity to correct the behavior.

01:14:20.680 And most people you're engaged with, they do.

01:14:23.520 They, they want to make sure there's cohesion and unity and strength in the relationship,

01:14:28.820 whether it's a business partnership, friendship, or romantic, but communicate with them.

01:14:33.740 Hey, you know, when you said this thing, here's what it came across at.

01:14:37.960 Like, here's how I felt when you said that thing.

01:14:40.420 And I think nine times out of 10, you're going to, the person is going to say, I'm,

01:14:43.380 they're either going to say, I'm sorry, I said that.

01:14:46.620 And that was a dick thing for me to say, I'm really sorry.

01:14:49.040 Or they're going to say, yeah, I said that, but I actually didn't mean it like that.

01:14:53.960 This is the way I meant it.

01:14:55.720 Nine times out of 10, they're going to say one of those two things and both are fine.

01:14:59.780 Yeah.

01:15:00.540 I love it.

01:15:02.220 All right.

01:15:02.900 Calls to action.

01:15:04.400 So bring us home.

01:15:05.040 Yeah.

01:15:05.160 We, we talked about the battle ready as preparation for you guys that are interested in joining us

01:15:10.460 in the iron council next month.

01:15:12.120 You can go to order of man.com slash battle ready.

01:15:15.260 That's a self-paced process.

01:15:17.260 That is a great precursor to joining the iron council.

01:15:22.500 Of course, you can get your latest order of man swag from the store that store.

01:15:26.540 Order of man.com.

01:15:27.760 And you can join and connect with Mr.

01:15:30.760 Mickler on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

01:15:34.740 There's one question really quick, Ryan, that was on there around the equivalent of order of man for women.

01:15:41.440 Do you want to talk through that?

01:15:43.160 Oh, yeah.

01:15:43.520 Yeah.

01:15:43.680 Revitalized womanhood.

01:15:46.400 Gina Trimmer is running an amazing organization. 0.97

01:15:49.460 She's got an incredible podcast.

01:15:51.260 She's got a community, the revitalized sisterhood. 0.87

01:15:54.200 But if you go to revitalized womanhood.com or search that up on your podcast player, you'll find her stuff. 0.88

01:15:59.440 Incredible.

01:16:00.160 Incredible job.

01:16:00.780 She's, she's been a friend for a long time.

01:16:02.660 Both her and her husband have been friends for a long time and they are just really good people.

01:16:06.440 Cool.

01:16:07.280 All right.

01:16:08.740 The only other thing I was going to say, Kip, is just to give you guys a little sneak peek into what's happening over the next couple of weeks.

01:16:13.680 We have Mark Driscoll is coming on the podcast.

01:16:17.240 Very excited about that one.

01:16:18.900 We just had GS Youngblood release yesterday.

01:16:22.320 That was a really good conversation about masculinity in relationships and also evoking femininity in the women in your relationship as well.

01:16:32.960 And then another podcast I have is with the Instagram handle.

01:16:38.080 I think he's on Twitter and some other places as well.

01:16:39.980 Save your sons.

01:16:41.120 Go check out that Instagram account.

01:16:43.080 We're going to talk a lot about what we can do for our sons and how we can save them from this culture of degeneracy and get them on the path and create a better climate and culture for all of us.

01:16:53.580 So those are a couple of interviews that are coming up.

01:16:55.480 And I've got more on the works that I'm waiting to hear back on.

01:16:58.140 So make sure you subscribe and listen because these ones are going to be good.

01:17:02.420 Excellent.

01:17:02.960 Okay.

01:17:05.060 All right, guys.

01:17:05.780 We'll be back on Friday.

01:17:06.900 I'm going to be talking about the value of and the importance of being dangerous in all ways.

01:17:11.640 We're going to talk about that on Friday.

01:17:13.080 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:17:20.280 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:17:23.240 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?

01:17:26.940 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

01:17:30.440 We'll see you next time.

01:17:32.160 We'll see you next time.

01:17:32.340 We'll see you next time.

01:17:32.860 We'll see you next time.

01:17:33.760 Bye.

01:17:33.940 Bye.

01:17:34.320 Bye.

01:17:36.260 Bye.

01:17:48.540 Bye.

01:17:49.200 Bye.

Order of Man - May 22, 2024

Defeat Your Inner Critic, the Paradox of Choice, and Beating Bitterness

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