Order of Man - August 30, 2024


Depression-Proof Your Life ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats

Length

44 minutes

Words per Minute

186.14774

Word Count

8,311

Sentence Count

593

Misogynist Sentences

3


Summary

It is apparent to me that more and more men are feeling sad, lonely, depressed, and potentially even suicidal. I see it every single day when I get messages from men who are going through divorces, overcoming addiction, maybe dealing with the loss of a loved one, medical complications, or even a continual sense of feeling inferior, inadequate, and unable to accomplish the things that they have a desire to accomplish. In this episode, I share 8 strategies that you can employ on a daily basis to depression-proof your life.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 If everything was wonderful all of the time, then nothing would be wonderful any of the time.
00:00:05.480 It's the downtimes, it's the sorrow, it's the heartbreak and the loss and the pain and the suffering of the human condition that makes all of the wonderful times that much more meaningful.
00:00:18.020 And so we try to work towards those things.
00:00:20.320 Our emotions are our bodies telling us, hey, something's off here.
00:00:24.460 Let's figure out what it is and let's do something different.
00:00:27.780 You're a man of action.
00:00:30.680 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly charge your own path.
00:00:35.480 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:39.960 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:45.000 This is your life.
00:00:46.100 This is who you are.
00:00:47.520 This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:50.440 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:55.300 Men, let's talk about depression today.
00:00:57.340 It is apparent to me that more and more men are feeling sad, lonely, depressed, potentially even suicidal.
00:01:05.680 I see it every single day when I get messages from men who are going through divorces, overcoming addiction, maybe dealing with the loss of a loved one, medical complications, or even just a continual sense of feeling inferior, inadequate, and unable to accomplish the things that they have a desire to accomplish.
00:01:26.340 Now, I want to say that I am not medically licensed.
00:01:30.320 I'm not a licensed therapist.
00:01:31.800 I don't have any formalized training in this.
00:01:33.680 But after doing this for 10 years, I have a pretty good understanding, not only anecdotally on my own, but seeing thousands and thousands of men work through these feelings of depression and even suicide.
00:01:44.480 We've all seen and heard about studies that suggest that men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women.
00:01:51.900 And there's a real reason for the crisis that we're seeing with so many men struggling.
00:01:56.140 I think, ultimately, at its core, it's a loss of purpose.
00:01:59.820 It's a loss of meaning.
00:02:00.800 It's a loss of significance.
00:02:02.420 And it's also a loss of being able to know how to harness your masculinity.
00:02:08.160 It's a loss of understanding how to work closely with other men who are going to help you work through some of these issues and some real tactical things that you can do every single day to ensure that you're feeling your best so that you can operate your best for yourself, for your family, friends, colleagues, coworkers, business, community, and the people that are relying on you.
00:02:29.280 So today, I'm going to share with you eight key strategies that you can employ on a daily basis to depression-proof your life.
00:02:37.960 Let's get right into it.
00:02:39.260 Number one, well, actually, before I get right into it, let me say one other thing.
00:02:44.780 I'm talking about bouts of depression.
00:02:47.980 I'm talking about feelings of being down and sad and sorrowful and depressed.
00:02:52.840 I'm not talking about clinical depression, and I'm not even talking about chronic depression.
00:02:57.320 If you are chronically feeling down, chronically suicidal, then I highly encourage you to get the help that you need through medically licensed and educated individuals.
00:03:11.020 That's not me.
00:03:11.820 I want to put that disclaimer out there because it's very important to be able to differentiate between I'm feeling down about life's circumstances and I'm clinically depressed and there's something seriously wrong with me that needs to be addressed.
00:03:25.020 So let me just say that first and foremost.
00:03:26.700 Now, I will suggest that even for that clinically depressed or chronically depressed man, the eight things that I'm going to share with you today, I think are going to be helpful.
00:03:36.180 And at a minimum, try them.
00:03:38.520 Try it out and see how you feel when you employ these things on a daily basis.
00:03:42.560 Let's get right into it now.
00:03:43.940 Number one, know that nothing is wrong with you if you're feeling down and sorry and sad.
00:03:51.260 There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
00:03:53.600 We spend so much time on these little devices, our iPhones and our computers and our tablets and our iPads.
00:04:00.960 And what we're doing is we're getting a glimpse into other people's lives.
00:04:05.360 But all they're posting is the best things about themselves.
00:04:09.500 When they look the best, it's all fabricated and manufactured and run through a bunch of filters.
00:04:16.180 The pictures are staged with the correct lighting and done just right.
00:04:20.060 Even the times where an influencer or a content creator, and I don't like those words, but it makes sense for this conversation.
00:04:28.320 Even when they're posting stuff online about the challenges that they face, they're still presenting that in a way that will resonate with the most amount of their potential audience.
00:04:41.200 So even the hard stuff is manufactured.
00:04:44.820 And I'm not here to tell you that I don't do that at all.
00:04:47.180 Of course I do because I want my message to resonate and help you.
00:04:50.600 If I didn't care about you, then I really wouldn't care about the way that this looks or the way that I present even the hard and challenging discussions.
00:04:59.180 So that's not wrong to do that.
00:05:01.540 But what you really need to understand is that this is all cleverly crafted and you're just picking up snippets of what other people want you to see.
00:05:11.340 And the rest of their lives, you might see 1% or half a percent of their life.
00:05:16.340 The other 99.5% of their life is, in many times, a complete train wreck.
00:05:23.360 Arguing with their spouse, not making as much money as they'd like, not being able to lose the weight they want, sleeping in when they know they should work out, eating that extra bag of chips, hearing from their parents about their father's dwindling medical condition.
00:05:39.400 I mean, you name it.
00:05:40.200 Every single person is dealing with something.
00:05:42.280 And I don't think that we need to compare, but I think we need to realize that all of us are suffering in some way.
00:05:51.240 And if we acknowledge and recognize that, then I think it's easier for us to go ahead and just sit in being sad, being down, being depressed, being upset, being angry.
00:06:01.040 All of these emotions that we experience every single day of our lives.
00:06:05.180 But if we think, because it's all filtered through social media, that you're supposed to be happy, you're supposed to be knocking every day out of the park, you're supposed to be hyperproductive every single minute of every single day.
00:06:17.640 Nothing's ever supposed to go wrong.
00:06:19.260 You're not supposed to argue with your spouse.
00:06:21.120 You're not supposed to feel insecure.
00:06:23.180 You're not supposed to feel potentially abandoned.
00:06:25.980 You're not supposed to be afraid.
00:06:27.360 If that's the messaging that we receive and we're constantly bombarded with it, then the moment we feel one of those things, we think we're broken.
00:06:36.360 We think something's wrong with us.
00:06:38.700 And I'm here to tell you that most likely it's not actually something that's wrong with you.
00:06:43.640 It's just the human condition to feel down.
00:06:48.060 I mean, how many times in your life have you felt up, like really excited?
00:06:51.500 Let's say you got a new promotion at work or you landed a dream job or a dream client and you're so happy.
00:07:01.160 You just, you can't believe it.
00:07:02.720 You're on cloud nine about what you accomplished that day.
00:07:05.380 The reason you feel that way is because you know all the bullcrap that you needed to go through in order to have that kind of day.
00:07:12.800 If everything was wonderful all of the time, then nothing would be wonderful any of the time.
00:07:18.540 It's the downtimes, it's the sorrow, it's the heartbreak and the loss and the pain and the suffering of the human condition that makes all of the wonderful times that much more meaningful.
00:07:32.840 And so we try to work towards those things.
00:07:35.140 Our emotions, our bodies telling us, hey, something's off here.
00:07:39.600 Let's figure out what it is and let's do something different.
00:07:43.520 Or let's pursue something so we don't continue to feel this way.
00:07:48.540 In other words, being depressed at times is part of life and it's what your body is doing to compel and motivate you, if we look at it ancestrally, to stay alive and to procreate.
00:08:05.680 If we look at it in modern times, it's to lead a fulfilling, happy, wonderful life of service to yourself and other people.
00:08:11.940 So guys, nothing's wrong with you if you're feeling that way.
00:08:16.740 Let's get to point number two.
00:08:18.380 Point number two, I heard from Jocko just a couple of days ago and he was actually referencing Tim Ferriss.
00:08:26.780 And Tim Ferriss said in moments like these, and I'm paraphrasing, he says you need to get out of your head and into your body.
00:08:32.940 And essentially what he means by that is that when you are down and depressed, I know for me anyways, when I feel that way, I'm up here.
00:08:41.760 I'm thinking about what's going wrong.
00:08:43.940 I'm creating all sorts of stories that probably aren't true or realistic that are exaggerated and they're worse than they actually are.
00:08:50.080 I'm thinking about how I've been slighted.
00:08:52.840 I'm compounding all these problems with other little problems that seem to add and pile on.
00:08:57.740 And it's all just bouncing around in my brain and it becomes this echo chamber of negative and destructive self-talk and sabotage.
00:09:05.780 So what Tim Ferriss is referring to is that in those moments where you're feeling like that, you've got to get out of your head and into your body by moving, by going to do something productive, by going to work out, by going on a walk, by getting up and cleaning the house.
00:09:20.880 Like the more you just plop your butt on the couch and just let all this stuff fester, frankly, the worse you're going to feel.
00:09:28.260 And that's some of the issue that I have with modern therapy is that you sit down and you're supposed to yap about all the things that are wrong in your life.
00:09:37.360 I think a lot of the times that ends up bringing up more problems than we're actually there to begin with.
00:09:42.440 Now, I'm not saying therapy is wrong.
00:09:44.180 I actually have a therapist that I work with.
00:09:46.600 My therapy is more action-oriented and action-driven as opposed to sitting around pontificating about everything that's wrong with my life.
00:09:53.400 It's, hey, I'm dealing with this one specific issue, maybe this insecurity or this fear, this doubt or this circumstance, and I'm trying to work through how I get past it.
00:10:03.900 I don't want to sit in it and ponder on it.
00:10:05.960 I want to address it, get to the root of the issue, and then I want to actually go do something.
00:10:12.000 So when you're feeling depressed in those moments, sometimes the best thing you can do is just get up and go for a walk.
00:10:19.940 Get up and clean the house.
00:10:22.000 Maybe it's read a book.
00:10:23.040 That's even a great thing you can do.
00:10:24.740 You're not thinking about the issues anymore.
00:10:26.740 You're thinking about something else, and it's going to give you a new perspective about maybe some appreciation or gratitude for the things that you do have as opposed to the thing that you're dwelling on now.
00:10:36.440 And by the way, I'm not saying that the thing you're dwelling on is insignificant.
00:10:40.240 If you lose a big client at work, that's not insignificant.
00:10:44.420 If your wife comes to you and says, hey, I'm not happy in the marriage or I want a divorce or a separation, that's not insignificant.
00:10:51.140 Those are real issues.
00:10:52.300 But it is important to get out of your head for a bit so you can think about it from a rational, level-headed perspective and come back and begin to address the problems.
00:11:01.880 And that's point number three.
00:11:03.040 So point number two was get out of your head and into your body.
00:11:05.560 But point number three is get out of your body and into your head.
00:11:11.420 Now, let me explain why I'm actually saying both, and they're at conflict with each other.
00:11:15.680 Because sometimes in the moment, it makes sense for you to go ahead and distract yourself.
00:11:22.780 And that's what getting out of your head and into your body would be.
00:11:25.100 And sometimes we tend to overdo that.
00:11:30.300 And we don't actually address the root problem of the issue.
00:11:33.520 We just distract ourselves.
00:11:35.520 Right?
00:11:35.680 So you're like, I'm just going to go to the gym.
00:11:36.960 And you see these guys who are fit and strong and lean and healthy, and they look great.
00:11:43.120 But their life is a complete train wreck.
00:11:47.520 Emotionally, they're distraught and they're self-destructive.
00:11:50.340 They're engaging in behaviors behind closed doors that are hurting them.
00:11:54.000 So they look wonderful.
00:11:55.660 And you would think if that's all you knew about them, that their life was terrific.
00:11:59.360 But the reality is, what's going on behind closed doors is a nightmare.
00:12:05.320 It's a train wreck for them.
00:12:07.480 And that's because they focus so much on the external or the distraction by going to the
00:12:14.640 gym in this case, that they actually never got to the root problem of the insecurity.
00:12:19.980 An insecurity that a lot of guys who are fit to deal with is body image insecurities.
00:12:25.380 Maybe they grew up a little doughy around the midsection.
00:12:28.300 You know, maybe they were the fat kid.
00:12:31.020 Maybe they got made fun of at school.
00:12:33.160 And so they use that to actually address the problem that they perceived, which was I'm
00:12:40.280 fat and I don't want to be fat.
00:12:41.600 And if I'm not fat, then people will like me and they won't make fun of me anymore.
00:12:45.040 Well, that isn't true.
00:12:47.040 And even though you might now be fit and you got the six pack and you got 20 inch arms and
00:12:52.240 everything else, you still feel like that sad little boy that you were when you were
00:12:58.280 severely overweight.
00:13:00.600 So why didn't the weight or the lack thereof actually address the issue?
00:13:05.140 It's because there's still insecurities there and you still feel a way about yourself.
00:13:11.200 So unless you can get down to the root problem in this case about your own worth, just inherent
00:13:16.840 worth as a human being, it doesn't matter how many abs you have.
00:13:21.420 It doesn't matter how many plates are on that barbell when you're doing a deadlift.
00:13:25.440 It doesn't matter how many fitness competitions or bodybuilding competitions you've won.
00:13:30.040 It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with because they love your body.
00:13:33.420 None of that matters if you feel horrible about yourself.
00:13:37.280 So you have to get out of your body and into your head to start addressing the problems.
00:13:41.940 Here's some ways you can do that.
00:13:43.100 Number one, therapy.
00:13:44.820 We already talked about that.
00:13:46.320 Getting out of your body, into your head, and you're actually working through some of
00:13:50.540 those things.
00:13:51.640 Another one, journaling.
00:13:53.200 That's one I do quite often.
00:13:55.040 I'm not going to pull it out right here, but I've got my journal right here on my desk.
00:13:58.840 It's in my drawer.
00:14:00.140 And I journal.
00:14:00.800 When I'm not feeling well or I'm feeling upset, I'll just get it out and I will write
00:14:05.020 how I'm feeling.
00:14:06.160 I don't have prompts or magical questions that make me feel better.
00:14:09.480 I just write, I am sad today, and I'm sad because of this, and this is how I've been
00:14:14.860 feeling, and this is what I think it means, and this is the story I told myself about it,
00:14:19.160 and this is true about the situation.
00:14:20.860 This is objectively not true.
00:14:22.580 And so I just vomit my thoughts onto the paper.
00:14:26.780 Not only does it get outside of my mind, which is good because I don't want it bouncing
00:14:30.480 around in there, it helps me see it from a different perspective.
00:14:33.900 How many times have you had this incredible idea, your next million dollar idea, and you're
00:14:38.760 thinking about all of these things you can do and how you can approach it and how you're
00:14:41.900 going to make millions and how you're going to serve a bunch of people, and you sleep
00:14:45.320 on it, and you wake up the next day and you're like, hey, hon, let me tell you about my idea.
00:14:49.440 Or you call up your buddy or friend or a colleague or whoever, and you say, let me tell you about
00:14:53.300 my idea, and you start talking about it, and you're thinking to yourself, man, that actually
00:14:58.160 doesn't, that actually sounds kind of stupid.
00:15:01.080 Like, that doesn't sound nearly as sexy as I thought it was last night, right?
00:15:06.220 Because you now have a different perspective of it, and I like when it's written down, I can
00:15:11.220 look at it objectively as if it's not even my own words.
00:15:14.360 Sometimes it's the advice that I would give to somebody else that I have a hard time giving to
00:15:18.900 myself.
00:15:20.400 So journaling has been huge.
00:15:22.460 Meditation.
00:15:23.880 That's something I don't necessarily engage in, at least the way that I think a lot of people talk
00:15:28.100 about it, where I sit down and clear my mind and don't, I don't do that.
00:15:32.400 It's, it's, it's not enjoyable to me.
00:15:35.620 So I don't do that.
00:15:36.720 But that is something that does help a lot of people.
00:15:38.940 Another activity you could do in the same vein would be, I think, scripture study and
00:15:46.560 prayer.
00:15:47.940 And I think those could almost be a form of meditation themselves, more of the prayer than
00:15:51.720 maybe the scripture study.
00:15:52.840 But you're, you're getting out of your own head.
00:15:55.880 You're tapping into a higher power.
00:15:57.580 You're giving yourself a new perspective and you're looking at life from an objective
00:16:00.900 viewpoint, not yours, which is subjective.
00:16:04.640 And then the other one is just self-reflection.
00:16:07.980 Not enough men dig deep into how they're feeling and why they're feeling.
00:16:12.100 They just feel angry.
00:16:14.420 And so they either do something stupid, like punch the wall, or they bury it.
00:16:22.120 And burying it works until it doesn't.
00:16:24.660 And at some point it's going to fester and it's going to bubble up from the ground and
00:16:29.780 it's going to ooze to the top and it's going to be toxic to yourself and other people around
00:16:33.660 you.
00:16:35.460 But most men have done this for years, tens of years, decades, their entire lives.
00:16:40.700 Bury it, bury it, bury it.
00:16:42.020 You feel angry.
00:16:42.660 You're like, I'm not supposed to feel angry.
00:16:43.720 So I'm not.
00:16:44.900 You feel sad.
00:16:45.600 Oh, I don't, I'm not sad.
00:16:46.760 I'm just, I'm not going to be sad.
00:16:48.340 I'm just, and you don't ever deal with it.
00:16:50.760 You have to deal with it.
00:16:52.460 In fact, there is a common misconception.
00:16:55.760 And I don't believe this is entirely true, but I know people believe this is that it's
00:16:59.360 manly to not exhibit any emotion.
00:17:03.820 I don't agree with that.
00:17:06.080 I think if you're hiding it, you're actually fearful.
00:17:09.600 What, what do you hide?
00:17:10.980 Of course, the things you want to protect, but also the things that you're afraid of.
00:17:16.000 Hey, if I put that over there, I don't need to deal with it.
00:17:19.380 Out of sight, out of mind, right?
00:17:21.800 It's hidden.
00:17:22.560 It's tucked away.
00:17:23.500 I don't need to see it.
00:17:24.760 I don't need to deal with it.
00:17:25.840 That's fear.
00:17:28.280 That's actually weakness.
00:17:29.640 I don't want to address that.
00:17:31.340 So I'm going to hide it.
00:17:32.300 People will say it's strength, but it's actually weak because you don't want to actually deal
00:17:36.440 with what you know you need to deal with.
00:17:37.700 I think it's stronger to acknowledge how you feel and address it accordingly.
00:17:42.520 Now, I'm not going to go crying like a baby to every single person I see or just like
00:17:47.220 tear up every time I start feeling a certain way when I'm in public or with my kids or doing
00:17:52.960 something important.
00:17:54.120 There's a time and a place, but you better believe that I'm going to address my emotions
00:17:58.960 so that I don't have those lapses, so that I don't have a mental or emotional breakdown
00:18:05.160 when people need me the most.
00:18:08.300 And that might be in the comfort of my own home or in my bedroom with the door closed
00:18:12.920 and dealing with what I need to deal with.
00:18:15.340 But ultimately, you got to start digging deep.
00:18:18.620 Why do I feel this way?
00:18:20.780 What triggered me to feel this way?
00:18:23.900 What does this say about who I am?
00:18:26.700 At least what do I believe about myself when I feel like this?
00:18:30.140 Usually that's a negative one, but it's important to acknowledge.
00:18:33.340 What stories am I making up about the situation I'm dealing with?
00:18:36.680 Because you can deal in fact and reality or you can deal in subjective data and information.
00:18:43.160 So for example, maybe your wife says something to you and you don't like the way that she said it.
00:18:50.520 Or maybe you say something to her, you're excited about something, and she doesn't respond the way that you want her to.
00:18:56.820 Okay, so that's fact.
00:18:58.920 She didn't respond the way that you wanted her to.
00:19:01.200 That's, there it is.
00:19:03.080 But the story that you create is probably something different.
00:19:06.880 It's probably she doesn't care about what I just told her.
00:19:10.440 She doesn't love me anymore.
00:19:12.740 She's not willing to sacrifice for me.
00:19:15.020 She's whatever, fill in the blank.
00:19:16.720 And that's what we do.
00:19:18.360 And it justifies the way we feel.
00:19:20.540 But what if, since you're making up a story, you decided to tell yourself, well, that's just a story.
00:19:25.640 I don't actually know.
00:19:26.760 But if I am going to make up a story, why don't I make one up that serves everybody?
00:19:30.720 So in the example I just gave you, maybe it's that your wife just had a hard day at work or a hard day with the kids.
00:19:38.800 Or maybe she just got some news from her parents about one of her sisters dealing with a divorce.
00:19:45.840 I don't know.
00:19:47.260 That's the thing.
00:19:48.000 You don't know.
00:19:50.100 So instead of operating on assumptions, we're going to operate on fact.
00:19:53.980 So here's something you might say.
00:19:56.160 Hey, hon, I told you about that project I'm excited about.
00:19:58.460 And honestly, I thought you would respond differently.
00:20:01.320 You've always been excited about the things that I'm doing in the past.
00:20:04.820 I can't help but wonder, is everything okay?
00:20:09.100 Isn't that such a more gracious way to approach life?
00:20:12.600 And you know what she'll probably say is she'll probably give you the reason.
00:20:15.020 Oh, yeah, hon, I'm sorry.
00:20:16.700 The kids were little jerks today and just made a complete mess.
00:20:21.780 And then I had, you know, the plumber come over and it's going to cost us twice as much.
00:20:26.940 And she tells you about all the problems that she's dealing with.
00:20:29.520 And all of a sudden, you're like, oh, man, that wasn't even about me.
00:20:33.040 I made it about me, but it wasn't about me.
00:20:36.540 I do this.
00:20:37.400 I'm notorious for this personally.
00:20:39.200 I do this all the time.
00:20:40.180 I even know what to do and I still do it.
00:20:42.460 It just goes to show how hard it is.
00:20:44.960 But self-reflect.
00:20:46.280 What does this story tell about me?
00:20:48.520 What's a better story I can come up with?
00:20:50.820 Where did I learn this behavior or thought?
00:20:52.920 Is it serving me?
00:20:54.660 How do I feel when I feel this way?
00:20:56.420 What does that say about myself, et cetera, et cetera?
00:20:58.920 All right, let's move into point number four.
00:21:02.540 Number four is make a plan and actively work towards achieving something.
00:21:07.360 Now, sometimes when I say make a plan, people think, oh, it's got to be this big,
00:21:11.640 grand, elaborate vision for my life and starting a new business or competing in a
00:21:17.920 bodybuilding show or writing that book I've always wanted to write.
00:21:22.460 But look, when you're feeling down and depressed, the thought of writing a book probably isn't
00:21:26.740 on your radar.
00:21:28.380 It would serve you, but you're probably not there.
00:21:31.500 The thought of starting a business when you're feeling like dog crap because news you just
00:21:37.060 got about one of your siblings or your parents is probably not on your radar.
00:21:41.440 Getting passed over for the promotion isn't going to instill a bunch of confidence in you
00:21:46.380 saying, oh, I'm going to do a bodybuilding competition.
00:21:48.800 This is not how we think.
00:21:50.940 I get messages quite often, actually, from men who are feeling down and depressed and
00:21:55.380 sad about where they are in their life.
00:21:58.200 And usually the answer I give is a question, which is, what's one thing that you can do,
00:22:03.840 regardless of how big or small, that would make you feel better about yourself?
00:22:08.140 And usually it's, I could go to the gym, I can stop eating junk food, I can go apologize
00:22:16.760 to somebody, I can turn the TV off and read a book, I can go to church, I can stop drinking,
00:22:23.280 it's usually things like that.
00:22:25.460 Those aren't big things, but those are incredible things.
00:22:29.600 Deciding not to drink tonight is an incredible thing.
00:22:33.120 Deciding to turn off the filth on the TV and instead read a book is a good thing.
00:22:38.800 Deciding to issue an apology to somebody because you've wronged them in some way is a wonderful
00:22:43.120 thing.
00:22:44.420 They're not insignificant.
00:22:46.560 So I had one guy just the other day reach out and he was feeling this way and I said,
00:22:49.800 what's one thing you could do?
00:22:50.640 And he said, I could go to the gym.
00:22:51.880 I said, yeah, you can.
00:22:53.680 Why don't you do that?
00:22:55.060 And he did.
00:22:56.000 He went to the gym and he messaged me.
00:22:57.540 He's like, hey man, I really appreciate you getting me through.
00:22:59.480 It was a little tough that night and I got up and it's been a long time, but I went to
00:23:03.020 the gym.
00:23:03.320 I said, how do you feel?
00:23:03.940 He's like, I feel amazing.
00:23:05.660 I feel like I could conquer the world.
00:23:07.120 I said, great.
00:23:07.840 What are you going to do now?
00:23:08.760 He's like, I'm going to go back to the gym.
00:23:10.900 Right.
00:23:12.440 That's the answer.
00:23:13.240 Just start with something.
00:23:14.900 I think, and there's probably research and data to back this up.
00:23:18.840 I don't know what it is.
00:23:19.680 So I won't quote it obviously, but I would suggest that it's very difficult for a man
00:23:26.960 to feel sorry for himself when he's actively working towards something meaningful and fulfilling.
00:23:32.660 So if losing weight and getting shape is meaningful and fulfilling to you, and you're actually
00:23:38.460 at the gym working, it's going to be really difficult for you to feel sorry for yourself.
00:23:43.060 I'll give you an anecdotal story on that one.
00:23:44.640 Sometimes I get down, right?
00:23:47.540 Like relationship isn't where I want it to be, or I'm struggling with my kids, or the
00:23:52.720 business isn't growing as fast as I'd like.
00:23:54.600 Or maybe I got, you know, somebody decided to cancel from the iron council, or I had a
00:24:01.280 great guest lined up and it fell through.
00:24:03.080 And so I have these things that come up, right?
00:24:05.460 So when those come up, I get out of my mind and into my body, I go to the gym.
00:24:09.860 And immediately when I'm lifting, I'm feeling good.
00:24:12.520 I'm not focused on whatever's going wrong.
00:24:14.140 I'm focused on getting that rep in.
00:24:15.940 But what's interesting is when I start feeling bad is between reps.
00:24:20.380 So maybe I'm doing bench press and I crank out eight presses and I rack the weight.
00:24:25.200 And then I sit up and I sit on the bench and I'm going to wait a minute or two before
00:24:28.640 I do my next eight.
00:24:30.020 It's in the minute or two where I still start feeling crappy about myself again.
00:24:35.520 So I think that just goes to show that when you're not doing anything, that's when all
00:24:40.540 the demons come in.
00:24:42.000 And my mom used to say, and probably your mom or dad or grandma used to probably say
00:24:45.420 this too, is idle hands are the devil's workshop.
00:24:49.620 Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
00:24:51.520 So in these moments, if you're just sitting around wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself,
00:24:56.920 of course, that's the devil's workshop.
00:24:59.140 He wants you to be mad, sad, angry, frustrated, hopeless, suicidal.
00:25:05.740 He wants that.
00:25:07.280 And so he loves when you're doing nothing.
00:25:10.080 But if on the other hand, you have something that's meaningful and significant to you,
00:25:13.500 and then you go to work creating that, even if it's seemingly small, all that other stuff
00:25:18.520 goes away.
00:25:19.600 It becomes less relevant.
00:25:22.060 And isn't that what we want?
00:25:23.520 Don't we want to generally be a happier person?
00:25:26.060 Yes, I think so.
00:25:28.500 So make a plan and actively work towards it.
00:25:31.380 And if you don't have one, go work for somebody else.
00:25:34.900 And I don't mean work, like do a job for somebody else, although that could be it.
00:25:38.300 I mean, go serve somebody else.
00:25:41.560 If tonight you're feeling down and depressed about where you are in life, it's again, it's
00:25:46.640 okay to feel like that.
00:25:47.560 We need to address that.
00:25:48.420 We will.
00:25:49.760 But maybe instead of just wallowing in it for tonight, you can just, maybe there's a neighbor
00:25:55.100 that you have, and you know that she's an 80 year old woman and her husband passed away
00:26:01.200 last week.
00:26:02.580 Maybe you could go bring her dinner.
00:26:06.380 Or maybe you could mow her lawn.
00:26:09.020 Or maybe you could just invite yourself over if you know her.
00:26:11.720 And it's appropriate, of course, to sit down with her and talk with her for an hour and
00:26:15.760 just give her some companionship.
00:26:19.360 When you're serving other people, you're not going to be drowning in your own problems.
00:26:23.020 Anyways, that's point number four.
00:26:25.320 Number five, surround yourself with friends and family.
00:26:28.720 Guys, again, idle hands are the devil's workshop, but I also believe isolation is the devil's
00:26:34.200 workshop.
00:26:35.120 He wants you alone.
00:26:36.560 Do you want to know why the devil wants you alone?
00:26:38.580 Because you're weaker when you're alone.
00:26:41.100 You're more easily distractible.
00:26:43.000 You're more easily tempted.
00:26:44.580 You're more suggestible to certain behaviors and vices and temptations.
00:26:49.840 Sometimes you feel sorry for yourself.
00:26:53.400 Like you have to be around other people.
00:26:55.880 This is difficult when you're feeling down because you don't want to be around other people.
00:27:01.960 At least I don't.
00:27:03.840 When I'm upset about something, the last thing I want to do is be around other people and
00:27:07.480 have to like pretend to smile and care and laugh and be happy about something I'm clearly
00:27:13.820 not happy about right now.
00:27:15.400 But you know what, sometimes you just have to force yourself to do it and you don't need
00:27:19.680 to be Mr. Jovial.
00:27:20.720 You don't need to be the life of the party.
00:27:22.500 You don't need to entertain.
00:27:24.180 Maybe you call a buddy up and you're like, hey man, I'm down.
00:27:26.880 Can we go, you know, I don't know, go to go to dinner tonight or go get a drink if we
00:27:32.720 need to together.
00:27:33.520 That's I'll talk about that here in a minute.
00:27:35.160 I don't I don't suggest that one, but I think you guys get the point.
00:27:38.420 Or go to the game or go hit the range or whatever, whatever your thing is, go do that.
00:27:45.960 But force yourself to go do it.
00:27:48.580 And if you don't have a friend, a lot of people say, I don't have anybody I can call.
00:27:51.820 There's people everywhere.
00:27:53.620 Guys, go to the park, get your dog if you have one and go to the park and walk the dog.
00:28:02.060 Guess who you're going to be around?
00:28:03.060 People.
00:28:04.800 Go to the game.
00:28:05.560 Go to a restaurant.
00:28:08.580 Some guys will say, oh, I just feel bad because everybody's with people and I'm not.
00:28:12.160 So make friends.
00:28:16.260 Jump on your community, your community center website in your local town and see what's going
00:28:22.380 on.
00:28:23.500 Like this, this weekend is Peach Days in where I live in Hurricane, Southern Utah.
00:28:29.280 And so we have Peach Days.
00:28:30.880 Well, they've got all sorts of festivities.
00:28:32.440 They've got a parade and they've got bounce houses for the kids and they've got different
00:28:39.180 booths you can visit and different food trucks.
00:28:41.280 And it's a big celebration.
00:28:43.180 There's things like that where you are.
00:28:46.380 Jump on Facebook and type in whatever you like.
00:28:50.220 Maybe you like to hike.
00:28:51.640 There's probably a hiking group on Facebook in your local area.
00:28:55.060 There's also probably a local area page.
00:28:59.580 I belong to a couple of Facebook pages or groups, I should say, that are focused on local
00:29:06.500 activities and local news and information.
00:29:09.500 Well, that's a great place to be because then I can start connecting with people who are interested
00:29:12.640 in the same things I am.
00:29:14.120 So it does take some effort and work.
00:29:15.960 But for you to say, I don't know anybody, I don't think you're lying.
00:29:19.520 That's probably true.
00:29:20.480 But I also think you're just making an excuse not to go out and meet anybody.
00:29:25.160 The opportunities are there.
00:29:26.520 And guess what?
00:29:27.060 Everybody feels like you do.
00:29:28.160 I don't know anybody.
00:29:28.940 I wish I knew more people.
00:29:30.760 And there's thousands and thousands and thousands of people in your area saying the same things
00:29:34.660 and nobody's meeting with each other.
00:29:36.580 So take some initiative and go out and force yourself to be in those environments.
00:29:41.020 You can always come back later and feel sorry for yourself.
00:29:43.080 But for now, get out and go be around friends, family, and make new friends as well.
00:29:47.700 So, which leads into the next point, which is point number six, is get some new hobbies.
00:29:53.880 So maybe you want to paint or you want to learn to take pictures or you want to learn martial arts
00:30:00.620 or you want to learn how to shoot or you want to learn how to, I don't know, build websites
00:30:06.820 or sew or produce documentaries.
00:30:14.040 I don't know, like anything.
00:30:17.480 Pick something.
00:30:18.700 Learn how to ride horses.
00:30:20.400 Learn how to groom dogs.
00:30:22.280 I mean, there's an infinite number of things that you could potentially do.
00:30:25.400 And I promise, at least I think, I'm willing to put money on it, that there's something in your mind
00:30:30.460 you're like, I should do that.
00:30:31.940 Or, you know, I've always been interested in trying that.
00:30:34.580 Maybe I should try it.
00:30:35.540 The answer is yes, you should try it.
00:30:37.880 Because that's what reinvigorates the soul.
00:30:42.020 Like one for me is hunting.
00:30:43.620 I love to hunt.
00:30:45.540 I take my bow out in the backyard.
00:30:47.600 I bought this tripod because I shoot from a tripod on one of my hunts later in the year.
00:30:51.140 So I decided I'm going to get a tripod.
00:30:52.860 I don't want any excuses as to why I don't shoot the deer I want this year.
00:30:57.340 To be determined, I'll let you know.
00:30:59.000 But, and it's not a guarantee, but I'm stacking the odds in my favor.
00:31:02.700 That's exciting to me.
00:31:03.640 I can go up there, I can sit up there in my tripod, and I can shoot 20 arrows, 50 arrows,
00:31:10.120 100 arrows, and I could just be having the time of my life.
00:31:12.520 And other people are like, that sounds miserable.
00:31:15.740 Or when I go to jujitsu.
00:31:18.080 You know, just go train, meet some guys, connect with the guys.
00:31:21.300 And others are like, that doesn't sound fun.
00:31:23.240 I don't care what you think sounds fun.
00:31:26.320 This is for me.
00:31:28.080 And it invigorates me.
00:31:29.620 It makes me excited.
00:31:30.860 It builds up my enthusiasm.
00:31:32.380 It keeps life interesting and fun and lets me have access to new people.
00:31:36.320 It's hard to feel sorry when, again, you're doing something that you really love.
00:31:41.460 Woodworking.
00:31:42.760 I actually enjoy organization.
00:31:44.980 I know that sounds a little sick to a lot of people, but I like organizing.
00:31:48.560 So this weekend, didn't really have a whole lot of plans, which was kind of nice.
00:31:53.480 But I spent probably 10 hours in my garage slap slash order a man merchandise store and organized it.
00:32:02.500 Recategorized everything.
00:32:03.660 Did inventory.
00:32:05.080 Made labels.
00:32:06.320 Cleared some room out.
00:32:07.840 Moved some things around to give us more working space.
00:32:10.620 It was actually pretty enjoyable.
00:32:13.400 Turned some music on that I like and just got after it.
00:32:17.540 I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.
00:32:19.120 I was in the moment.
00:32:20.500 So get some new hobbies.
00:32:22.300 Let's go to number seven.
00:32:24.040 And then we'll go to the last one, number eight.
00:32:25.520 And then we'll wrap up for today.
00:32:26.920 Number seven, do not sedate or distract yourself.
00:32:32.660 And I'll say with a caveat of distraction in an unhealthy way.
00:32:35.720 Because I did tell you earlier, get out of your mind and into your body.
00:32:39.740 Sometimes it requires that.
00:32:41.820 But so it's okay to do that in a healthy way, but not long term.
00:32:46.460 You have to ask yourself, why am I doing this?
00:32:49.260 Is it to just alleviate some temporary pain and suffering I'm dealing with?
00:32:52.660 Or is it to run away from my problems?
00:32:55.560 But you're not going to sedate yourself with drugs or alcohol or gambling or distract yourself
00:33:04.120 with women.
00:33:05.320 That's one a lot of guys will do.
00:33:07.040 Like they'll be out of a relationship and they don't want to be alone.
00:33:10.920 So they'll immediately just start finding women to spend time with.
00:33:14.460 And there's nothing wrong with finding women to spend time with if you're a single man.
00:33:18.480 But again, if your motive is, I don't want to be alone or I don't want to feel this pain
00:33:23.460 about losing my past relationship, that's where it's an issue.
00:33:27.000 If it's, I want to find a good companion for life and I want to go out there and put myself
00:33:31.940 out and see who's out there and who's interested in me as well, I think that's perfectly acceptable.
00:33:37.060 So you have to question your motive.
00:33:39.080 The reason that you can't distract yourself, and I used to do this a lot with alcohol.
00:33:44.380 Man, I was drinking a ton because I was running away from something.
00:33:48.740 I didn't want to feel the way that I was feeling.
00:33:52.920 I wanted to shut stuff off that was hard for me, that was stressful for me to deal with.
00:33:57.600 I just wanted to shut it off and it felt really, really good.
00:34:02.040 But I never learned how to cope with and deal with the distractions and the challenges and
00:34:07.860 the stress of life in a very healthy way.
00:34:10.420 And so I did the only thing that I could, which is to sedate with alcohol.
00:34:15.540 And then I'm an obsessive personality.
00:34:19.680 So the way I do anything is exactly what I did with alcohol.
00:34:24.440 When I get into a relationship, I dive all in.
00:34:27.080 When I get into a business, I dive all in.
00:34:29.600 When I decide that I have a fitness goal, I dive all the way in.
00:34:33.520 And when I decide I want to have a drink, I dive all the way in.
00:34:36.860 And in that last example, that's a problem.
00:34:42.360 And it created a lot of problems for me.
00:34:46.360 And it never allowed, you feel good.
00:34:48.820 That's the catch.
00:34:51.000 You know, you go have that drink or you go have that hit or whatever your thing is,
00:34:54.580 and you feel great, but you never actually deal with the problem.
00:34:59.460 And the issue with that is you keep engaging in the same behavior.
00:35:02.920 So now the problem was here, and you sedated yourself over days, months, years, decades even.
00:35:11.180 And your problem never went away.
00:35:13.040 And in fact, what happened is it ended up incrementally growing because you never dealt with it.
00:35:17.820 So it became this huge, huge monster.
00:35:20.540 And then you kept drinking more and more and more and more as this thing got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
00:35:25.480 And when everything blows up in your life and you decide I can't do that anymore,
00:35:31.860 you wake up and realize there's a terrifying monster of my own insecurities and inadequacies here.
00:35:39.940 And I don't know how to deal with them.
00:35:43.180 And so you're tempted to go back into the distraction and the sedation method.
00:35:47.560 But if you can learn as a man, and I'm learning this too, none of these things I'm an expert at, I will say that.
00:35:55.940 But as a man, when you can deal with things when they're manageable, that's when you want to deal with them.
00:36:02.160 If you've got a stack of paperwork on your desk and it's, you know, up to your eyeballs, you know, it's two feet high,
00:36:08.580 that's going to be a lot harder to deal with than two bits of paperwork that you need to file today.
00:36:14.140 Stay on top of everything.
00:36:15.820 And when issues and challenges come up, we need to address those things like men and not run and hide from them,
00:36:22.380 but confront them, work through them, battle against them, solve the problems, address the needs.
00:36:30.940 And let's stop running away from those things.
00:36:33.860 And then number eight, guys, last one here.
00:36:36.200 And I do not want to oversimplify or blow smoke up your butt about this,
00:36:41.240 but you have to simply make a choice not to be down.
00:36:45.820 And I know you're probably thinking if you're in this way right now, you're thinking,
00:36:51.040 well, Ryan, that's easy for you to say when you're feeling good.
00:36:53.340 I'm not always feeling good.
00:36:56.460 Today's been a good day.
00:36:57.680 Yesterday was kind of a crappy day.
00:37:01.080 Nothing overly negative happened, but it was just like one of those days.
00:37:04.920 But I made the decision today that I'm going to get up and I'm going to work and I'm going to be productive
00:37:10.440 and I'm going to be helpful and I'm going to reach out to people I love and care about.
00:37:14.400 I'm going to serve the others that I need to serve.
00:37:17.080 And I'm just going to consciously make a choice not only to be happy.
00:37:21.420 And happy is not really a choice I choose to make on a daily basis,
00:37:24.320 but productive is one that works for me.
00:37:26.320 So pick your poison.
00:37:27.920 Whatever works best for you.
00:37:29.120 For me, hey, if I choose to be productive, then I know that I'll be happy.
00:37:34.320 I know that I'll feel good about myself.
00:37:36.320 So I've got this to-do list right here in my battle planner that I'm cranking through.
00:37:41.500 And I'm about halfway through my weekly to-do list on Wednesday right now.
00:37:46.220 I'm actually probably a little bit further.
00:37:47.620 So I'm on track.
00:37:48.680 So I make the decision to be productive.
00:37:53.760 And I also make the decision to do all of these other things.
00:37:57.020 Because look, this requires effort.
00:38:00.320 And when you're feeling down, the last thing you want to do is exert effort.
00:38:04.920 So what are the people, what are the men who are strong and convicted and have willpower and discipline?
00:38:09.400 What are they doing differently than the guys who are lazy and weak and procrastinate?
00:38:13.280 They're just making a choice.
00:38:15.760 I'm going to choose not to drink.
00:38:17.300 I'm going to choose to be around good people.
00:38:19.720 I'm going to choose to serve others.
00:38:21.400 I'm going to choose to engage in meaningful pursuits.
00:38:24.580 I'm going to choose to pursue that hobby that I've been thinking about forever.
00:38:28.460 I'm going to choose to go to the gym.
00:38:30.400 I'm going to choose to help somebody else.
00:38:33.020 I think I already said that one.
00:38:34.660 That's important.
00:38:35.380 I said it twice.
00:38:36.780 But it's a conscious choice as a human being, a sentient, amazing human being that has this
00:38:43.680 supercomputer of gray matter inside of your skull that you get to decide, hey, I'm going
00:38:51.980 to be better today because I want to, because I'm consciously making the choice.
00:38:57.620 And I'm going to engage in these other seven things because I've decided that that's going
00:39:03.420 to serve me and other people.
00:39:04.540 I will leave you by saying, I know what it's like to struggle.
00:39:11.260 I know what it's like to be in a really bad position.
00:39:14.160 I've had a really horrible couple of years.
00:39:18.040 That's not to compare with everybody else, but I have.
00:39:20.940 And life is never going to be free of it.
00:39:26.140 And I know that.
00:39:27.860 That doesn't worry me.
00:39:31.500 It just means that I have to create a plan as a man to confront and deal with it.
00:39:35.900 And I'll say this as we wrap things up.
00:39:37.900 Not only are these eight key items that I gave you today prescriptive, they're also preventative.
00:39:45.900 So when things go really wrong, it's easy for a lot of guys to say, oh man, I got to
00:39:50.920 wake up and do something different with my life.
00:39:52.920 And then we do it.
00:39:55.000 And then lo and behold, we see a better result in our life.
00:39:57.880 Things improve because we engaged in new behaviors that were healthy and positive.
00:40:02.800 And then we improve.
00:40:04.240 And as we improve, we start forgetting about the little things that got us to the place
00:40:09.580 of improvement.
00:40:10.760 And we stop doing those things.
00:40:12.720 And we start isolating ourselves.
00:40:14.960 And we start sedating ourselves.
00:40:17.180 And we forget all of the things that made us successful.
00:40:23.020 And then we find ourselves down and depressed and anxious and frustrated.
00:40:28.500 And then we fix it.
00:40:30.660 And it's this accordion, like ebbs and flows of life.
00:40:35.140 Like I'm going to do good work, produces good results.
00:40:37.980 I'm going to stop doing the good work.
00:40:39.240 And now it produces bad results because I have bad results.
00:40:41.600 I'm going to do better work.
00:40:42.480 And it produces good results.
00:40:43.780 It's a horrible, horrible cycle.
00:40:46.460 So this is not only prescriptive.
00:40:48.340 This is preventative.
00:40:50.480 These things are things that we should be doing on a daily basis every single day.
00:40:54.920 And I know I said, just gave you eight.
00:40:56.600 And you're like, eight things on a daily basis.
00:40:58.540 These are all integrated into your life.
00:41:01.960 For example, number seven was do not sedate or distract yourself.
00:41:06.600 Not only does that not add anything to your plate,
00:41:09.780 it actually makes you way more effective with the time that you have.
00:41:12.540 I remember when I stopped drinking, I was drinking hard for like two years
00:41:16.600 and then really hard for about five months.
00:41:19.780 When I stopped drinking, one of the first real benefits I noticed was,
00:41:24.780 well, two things.
00:41:25.420 Number one, my energy level.
00:41:26.760 And number two, the amount of time I had on my hands.
00:41:29.880 Because I spent about 24-7 either drunk, hungover, or passed out.
00:41:35.420 So when I was no longer doing that, I was recapturing literally four to five hours in a working day.
00:41:45.480 And it was amazing to me how much more productive I got.
00:41:48.200 So yeah, I'm giving you eight things here.
00:41:50.360 But that one alone is just worth it.
00:41:54.620 Just because of the time and energy that you'll have when you stop engaging in distraction methods.
00:41:58.840 So I know that it seems like a lot, but I can assure you,
00:42:02.420 you can integrate all of these things into your life in a healthy way
00:42:05.000 that not only do not add to your plate,
00:42:08.400 they actually will help you with a bigger plate.
00:42:11.920 All right, guys.
00:42:12.760 I hope that serves you.
00:42:13.660 I hope that helps.
00:42:14.380 If you have other ideas, this is a crucial, crucial topic.
00:42:17.120 So if you have other ideas, please share those with me.
00:42:20.260 Share those with the members of Order of Man.
00:42:22.820 Share those in the Facebook group.
00:42:24.280 And two places I really want you to go right now.
00:42:26.420 Number one, I want you to jump over into our Facebook group.
00:42:30.320 73-ish, so thousand people over there, men, all men,
00:42:35.300 all working together on different issues.
00:42:37.200 We don't always see eye to eye,
00:42:38.460 and there's some real contention going on in there at times.
00:42:41.280 But we're all working together on improving ourselves and helping other people.
00:42:44.860 So that's at facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.
00:42:49.540 And the second place I want you to go is
00:42:52.140 if you really want an elevated experience about what I'm talking about here,
00:42:55.880 and you want to be around a good core group of men
00:42:59.400 who you can talk with, communicate with, hold accountable,
00:43:02.180 be held accountable to, and work closely with throughout your life
00:43:05.540 and getting you through some of the issues
00:43:07.740 and getting you to the next level,
00:43:09.760 then you need to join the Iron Council.
00:43:11.980 This is our brotherhood.
00:43:12.960 We've been going for about nine years.
00:43:14.380 In fact, I think if I, I don't want to overstate here,
00:43:17.980 but the Iron Council was probably one of the,
00:43:21.180 if not the very first exclusive men's brotherhoods,
00:43:26.720 digital brotherhoods, I should say.
00:43:28.640 And there's a reason why not only are we the first,
00:43:32.760 or about the first,
00:43:34.380 that we're also one of the most successful.
00:43:37.200 We've been doing it for a long time,
00:43:38.780 and we know what it takes to build a solid group of men.
00:43:42.340 We're going to open up in about two weeks.
00:43:44.540 So I need you to go to orderofman.com slash Iron Council,
00:43:48.180 watch a very quick video, drop your email in,
00:43:51.000 and then on September 15th,
00:43:53.580 I'm going to send you an email personally
00:43:55.320 and tell you we're open for enrollment,
00:43:58.720 invite you into the brotherhood,
00:44:00.100 and answer any questions that you may have.
00:44:02.340 So those are your marching orders,
00:44:03.440 Facebook and orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
00:44:06.060 Guys, we will be back next week for an interview.
00:44:09.440 Until then, go out there, take action,
00:44:12.060 depression-proof your life,
00:44:13.580 and become the man you are meant to be.
00:44:19.060 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:44:22.060 If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:44:23.680 and be more of the man you were meant to be,
00:44:26.040 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.
00:44:36.060 Thank you.
00:44:37.060 Thank you.
00:44:38.060 Thank you.