Developing Patience, Pushing Outside Comfort Zones, and Embracing Change ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 16 minutes
Words per Minute
199.81241
Summary
On this episode of the Ask Me Anything podcast, Kip and Ryan answer the question of the week, "Why do you get depressed?" and how do you deal with it? Also, Ryan and Kip talk about the upcoming Origin Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu immersion camp.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Kip, what's up, brother? Back again for the Ask Me Anything of the week.
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Well, I could tell as soon as we got on the phone, I was like, I don't know if this is the best day to do this or not.
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Yeah. You're like, Kip, you're going to bring down the whole listener base of the podcast. You're going to be depressed.
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That's why there's two of us, though, right? It's like sometimes I'll carry the conversation and other times you will.
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So Kip's answers might be the pessimist type answers and mine might be the optimist type answers.
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I think the roles would be reversed if we did that, but it keeps the guys on their toes anyways.
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Yeah. So you'll answer Aaron's first question here, and then I'll say, no, the correct response is, who cares?
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Well, I mean, you can get into why you're depressed if you want.
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I'm not going to approach that unless you want to.
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No. Well, you know what? I think I just stressed, a little stress, work's busy.
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I mentioned this last week that my son moved up from Arizona.
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This is his first week at his new high school, per se, and so there's a little adjustments.
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I think maybe part of me is just being a pessimist, which is ironic that you spoke about that on Friday Field Notes, I believe.
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All of these conversations are starting to blend together a little bit.
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Although, I did have a high note from last week's AMA.
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Big time. You reached the big time, the big show.
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Hey, and by the way, so I registered, I mentioned this to you already, Ryan.
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So, I registered for the immersion camp with Origin, and when I did last night, just a heads up for everybody, it was 70% full.
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So, if you guys are interested on going to the Origin Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu camp in August, you better act immediately because that thing is going to fill up really soon.
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Yeah, I think I just got a message, an email or something that said it's now open.
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And just to know they're 70% full already, you better get on a quick – and by the way, if you use the code order – or excuse me, what is it?
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If you use that link, the beauty of that is I know that you're signed up through listening to this podcast or being connected with our movement.
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Not that I get compensated on that or anything, but that lets me know who came through this movement, which makes them eligible for the custom Order of Man Origin Rash Guard that we're going to do.
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Either session A, B, or both, which is what I'm doing.
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And also, Matthew Arrington will be doing both sessions as well.
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I'm sure Peter and some of those other guys will be there.
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And if you always wanted the opportunity to be choked out by someone's beard, Ryan will be offering free submissions, strangulation with his beard.
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You have to just sit there and lay back and accept it.
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I actually was rolling around with my boy the other day, my oldest, and he's big.
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He's big and he's strong, but he's kind of like a tender-hearted kid, so he doesn't really exert himself.
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And I eventually just smothered him with my beard until he just gave up and he came up spitting beard hairs out of his mouth.
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I have actually, believe it or not, contemplated getting rid of or at least shortening up the beard specifically for jujitsu.
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Of all the misery that is Brazilian jujitsu, the beard is by far the worst part of it.
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It just gets yanked on and tugged on and pulled on, and I walk away with 10% less volume in my beard.
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Not that the boys in my neighborhood is a good sampling of boys overall, but guys, we need to be rougher with our kids.
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I did a Brazilian jujitsu session for young boys in my neighborhood.
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I'm like, you know, I'm showing them a basic arm bar for mount, right?
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And they're like barely like engaged with each other.
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And this is like one of the principles I told the boys.
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You are not helping them by being passive and not being aggressive.
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Like they're going to get the sense of, oh, I know how to get out of a headlock.
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You weren't really putting them in the headlock.
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You were just kind of calmly and nicely holding their head.
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Like get a little mean, embrace it, be hard and let your opponent really try to get out.
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I think this is just indicative of society in general.
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We're letting them play video games instead of interacting in real life.
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Specifically with regards to our boys, when they are out doing quote unquote boy-like things.
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For example, my boys, I think a week and a half or so ago, were having rock fights.
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And I'm not condoning a rock fight necessarily, but at the same time, boys being boys, right?
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And, but if they go out and do those types of things, then we as parents or teachers or whatever it may be, we condone that behavior, right?
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Um, the boys would play two and touch flag football, or excuse me, two and touch football, uh, during recess.
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And one of the kids pushed another one, you know, how it just gets rough.
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Two and touch could mean lightly touch you or shove you to the ground.
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Two and touch is tackle and then pull the flag.
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He fell down and cut open his knee or something, you know, something that happens, right?
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And then when they came back and were able to play again, they had to meet with the principal.
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And, and the, and, and what the administration instituted was some sort of like referee rule where two of the boys had to sit out and be referees.
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And then next time they played, then they would switch referees.
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And you just come to a mutual conclusion, whether that's through a fist fight or just agreeing that the guy, you know, was down or whatever.
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It's just, it's just completely indicative of how weak and soft we have become as a society.
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And then you have organizations like the American psychological association saying that things that are quote unquote, traditionally masculine, such as, uh, what do they say?
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Strength, uh, aggressiveness, competition, stoicism are inherently bad and destructive to young men.
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I also wonder, and one of the things that I'm noticing a lot lately, and maybe this isn't just something I haven't been fully aware of,
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but I have noticed that the level of our young men who are autistic or Asperger's or somewhere along that spectrum seems to be increasing exponentially.
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I don't know any of the research or anything behind it, but I am just absolutely blown away because I have in, in, in the not too distant past up until now,
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I've been with regards to where I'm involved with young men in our community, whether it's school or church events or whatever else it may be,
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how many boys fall somewhere along this spectrum of, and I don't know the correct term if it's a social disorder, but, but something's not quite working out.
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Whether again, it's, it's autism or Asperger's or any number of these types of, uh, disabilities, I guess you'd say.
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It's just, it's amazing to me. I don't know what is going on. I'd love to know more about this. And I got to do some research on this.
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Yeah. It's interesting. I mean, one thing's for sure is we have, to your point, we have a tendency to even pander to those things.
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You're like, Oh, you know, let's classify them. And I have a strong opinion about this and I don't, I don't give a shit if someone argues with me on this because my,
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my oldest son is autistic. So that gives me the right to have an opinion.
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Well, even if he wasn't, you have that right to that opinion, right?
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Yeah, that's true. You're listening anyway. So shut up. Um, now see now my anger and my, um,
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my depressedness is coming through. So anyhow, so, um, my point being is to your point actually is
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we're pandering even to that, right? It's like, okay, what's, let's, let's put them on a spectrum.
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Let's classify them and then excuse it. Right. Because it's fine to recognize it.
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It's perfect to recognize it, but don't excuse it. Realize what you're dealing with and say, okay,
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now for us to get up this mountain, we're going to have to work this angle or work a little harder
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or do these things. But instead we go, Oh, you know what? Let's just not hike up that mountain.
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That's, that's actually really destructive because what ends up happening is a very small minority of
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individuals begin to dictate the behavior of the majority. And what ends up happening in these
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situations. And I'm trying to be sensitive when I say this, because I know there's fathers who are
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listening right now who have just like yourself, who have boys who are autistic or Asperger's or any
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number of one of these things. Um, but it's, it, it's, it's difficult because the standard is reduced,
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right? And, and that's actually, and I'll say this, and this is one that doesn't, that a lot of people
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don't like is that women in the military, you know, you take one element, the physical fitness
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component of it. When you have women and men together, you have to go to the lowest common
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denominator, right? The weakest link, if you will. And if we're talking about physical fitness,
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inevitably that's going to be a woman. Now, somebody's going to say, well, I know some women
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who are way stronger than some. Yes. If you cherry pick variables, certainly you can make any scenario
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work out. But generally speaking, when you have a woman who is in the military and the military has
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talked a lot about standardizing the physical fitness requirements. I mean, don't for one second
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believe that standard is going to stay the same for men or go up. If anything, it's going to go down
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so that we can be, you know, quote unquote, more inclusive. So this attempt to make everybody feel
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warm and fuzzy and this attempt to try to include everybody ends up with the unintended consequence
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of lowering the standard for the organization or society or whatever it is you might be dealing
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with. Yeah. And as a result, people are not leveling up instead. Right. They're leveling down.
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Yeah. It's a tough one because, because those issues are real, right? You, you need to be aware
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of that. It's not, and you want to be sensitive to that and you want to encourage these, these boys
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and girls and whoever else it may be, you want to encourage them to continue to develop and grow at,
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at the pace that they're physically capable of. But it's, it's very dangerous when you start
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compromising and jeopardizing the standards of the whole. Totally. And as parents, I just think
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it's super, I mean, this is why parents are just so critical is as a parent, you look for those
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scenarios in your own children and you know how you can push them. And we need to be really careful
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about this. Like super careful, like not just in the space of like, if your kid's diagnosed with
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autism or Asperger's or whatever, but, but even, even the example of my oldest son that,
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um, has Usher syndrome, you know, he has a hearing loss and he's legally blind and his vision's getting
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worse. It's super simple. And, and when I shouldn't say super simple, it's very easy for us to pander
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to that and go, Oh, well, you know what? We shouldn't go skiing because his peripheral vision is really
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bad and he might run into a tree or whatever. Or, Oh yeah, we shouldn't go hiking. He might trip on a
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road. Like there's tons of little things. And, and by the way, most society would say, yeah,
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that's completely warranted. You're probably right. Right. Screw that. Right. That doesn't
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benefit him. That's not living life. Like now do we need to take extra precautions? Sure. But guess
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what? We should still go skiing. Right. But how do we make it work in this environment?
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We should still go hiking. Right. Yeah. And we got to be really careful that, you know,
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all my kids bad, like even just as any generalization just drives me mad. Whenever I hear like a
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kid say, or one of my kids, well, I'm just not good at math. No, no, you're choose. Like,
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don't put yourself on that label. You may have struggle with a little bit more than other
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individuals, but you know, just to go, I'm not good at math and that's just the way it is.
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No. Well, it's funny because men do that as well. And I made a post about this. I said
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something to the effect of, you know, stop telling people it is, it is what it is, or it's just the
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way I am. You might as well be saying you're incapable of learning, growing and developing when you say,
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well, I just, it's just how I am. Take it or leave it. It's like, learn, evolve, grow.
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You decide. Yeah. Right. You decide. All right. So we've wasted 10 minutes. Should we start a
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question? I don't think we've wasted it. I think that's a good conversation and one that's much
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needed in society. You know, everybody's afraid to have this type of conversation because heaven
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forbid somebody get upset or offended, their feelings get hurt, or you're, you're insensitive.
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And it's like, you know, maybe all that stuff's true, but at the same time, the things that we're
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talking about right now with regards to learning disorders and autism and Asperger's, like these
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things are important, bubble wrapping and coddling children. These things are important. We need to
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discuss these things. And if we can't have these types of conversations, nothing else really matters,
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frankly. Yeah, I agree. All right. Let's get, I think we have some leftovers from the Facebook group,
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but most of the questions today seem like they are coming directly from our exclusive brotherhood,
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the iron council. Yeah. Cool. Which you can learn more about the iron council at ordervan.com
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slash iron council. Yeah. Let's go with the iron council questions first. Okay. These guys are,
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are part of the order, part of the order in a more elevated way. Aaron goats, what are the three to
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five most important decisions or non-decisions each of you have made in your adult life that helps shape
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you into the man you are today? Wow. Um, for me, uh, I think, you know, there's, there's like moments
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where, you know, I joined the military. That was a big decision for me, um, who I decided to marry,
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of course, and, and take as my bride was a huge decision for me. Um, but then there's other,
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other little things like that would be hard to articulate. Like when I stopped deciding to let
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my circumstances dictate how I was going to, to behave, you know, like letting these outside factors
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control me. Um, one of the biggest life-changing moments for me was when I thought my marriage was
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over. Like we went through our separation and we must've been separated for, I don't know,
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three months or so at the time. And I was driving down the road. I know the road I was on. I know
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the cross street. I know everything about that because it's crystal clear to me. That day was
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like yesterday where I thought to myself, man, my marriage is over. And I did not want to wrestle
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with that at all because I didn't want that to be the case. But as difficult as it was in the moment,
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it was one of the most liberating times of my life and a clear, clear moment point in my life
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where I adopted a new mindset that have served me very, very well over the last decade. And that
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is that I can't control what anybody else does. I can influence people. I can, I can have some sort
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of authority and relevance and credibility in their life, but ultimately I can't, I can't manipulate,
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coerce, strong arm, or force somebody to behave or to think a certain way. And so rather than
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focusing on that, which is what I was doing, I'm just going to change myself. And as I began to
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change myself, everything about my life, including my relationship, my money, uh, the business,
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my fitness, everything about my life completely changed. And, uh, that was a very cathartic type
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moment for me. It was a huge, huge moment in my life. The only three that I could think of is I
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remember, uh, was a probably junior, a sophomore in high school. And I don't, I don't know, I don't
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know what triggered it. Right. But I ultimately decided that, um, spiritual, spiritualness and
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understanding my relationship with my creator was something I needed to figure out on my own.
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And that was, and it was an odd time, um, because I don't think most kind of juniors in high school
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are concerned with that. Yeah. So that was, that was critical for me. Cause I, I think it put me on a,
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on a really good path. Um, especially that time in life. Yeah. That's one of the best paths to be on
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for sure. Yeah. Yeah. The second would be, um, of course who I married. Um, and then the third,
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uh, very similar to yours, Ryan is, and I remember it too. I remember, um, going for a run, uh, in
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surprise Arizona, it was probably midnight and I'm just running. And that's what I used to do, uh,
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during my slash divorce slash separation. And, um, I remember just stopping and it was calm.
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The moon was out. And I remember all of a sudden it like slapped me up the side of the head where I
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was like, I'm in this, I'm in this position and in this place in life ultimately because of me and
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no one else. And it was the first time in my life where I really took full accountability for where
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I was. And I just, and I remember deciding that night that however my life turns out from here on
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forward, that's on me and no one else. And I remember making that major distinction in my life
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and, and that was profound, right? Because that growth mindset allows us to grow. Uh, when you're
00:19:12.260
a victim, obviously there, there's no room for a reflection on areas in which you need to improve.
00:19:18.760
So that was pretty substantial. Yeah. It's funny that ours are very much in alignment. And here's what
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I would say guys is don't let it get to that point. All right. It's, it's, I don't want to say
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it's easy to change when you're at rock bottom, but when you're at rock bottom, you're looking
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for, you're looking to fix your life, right? You're looking for solutions. You're looking
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to figure it out. Like hopefully, hopefully you're not just wallowing in your own self
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pity and self-destruct even more, even though plenty of men do that. Hopefully when you do
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hit that rock bottom, you're like, shit, I got to get out of here. Like, what can I do?
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How can I climb up this rock wall that I found myself in? I just don't want you to get
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to that point. And if you get complacent in your life, like you let, let your relationship
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go. And maybe you're not going on as many dates with your wife as you used to. Like
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that's an indicator that you're slipping, right? There's no, there's no homeostasis. You're
00:20:06.980
either growing or you're falling behind. So if you've added a few more pounds to your
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waistline, don't wait until it's 30 pounds. Fix it now. Correct it now. If you noticed
00:20:17.640
you're, you're getting a low or you're in your bank account or your spending is a little
00:20:21.000
too high, fix that shit now. And don't wait until you have to declare bankruptcy. I mean,
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you can, but don't get yourself in that situation because it's infinitely harder to dig yourself
00:20:32.260
out of that hole. It's better to take some time, reflect, think about it now, figure out
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what the trend is of your life. Is it improvement or are you drastically falling behind and nip
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that in the bud, man? So you can grow now and not have to be at rock bottom. Um, we always
00:20:48.580
had, we had this sign when we were in Iraq, um, outside of the gate, anytime we left the wire
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and that sign said complacency kills as in literal death. Like if you get complacent and
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you just think this is a typical mission or a typical stroll in the park or everything
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standard here, you will die and other people will die as well. But if we adopt that same
00:21:08.680
mindset and that same mantra in our life, I think all of us would come to the conclusion
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that we are so complacent in our fitness and our finances, in our, uh, relationship with
00:21:20.240
our kids and our wife and our friends and just about every other facet of life. And
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the only reason that you're, that you're okay with it is because you're not experiencing
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the full weight of that complacency yet. You will, I promise you it will catch up. Don't
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let it catch up. Nip it in the bud, attack it. Now get back on the path you need to be
00:21:41.400
John Davies, Ryan, where are you at with your guitar playing as this month? We will be
00:21:47.660
discussing change. What do you feel is the best way to establish a sense of urgency?
00:21:52.940
Well, so let me, let me say with regards to the change thing, what he's referring to
00:21:57.760
inside of our iron council, uh, every month we have a topic for the month. And, um, this
00:22:04.300
month was about being a lighthouse, be an example, shining for others. We've talked about that
00:22:07.940
on the ask me any things. Uh, and then next month for the month of, uh, April, we're talking
00:22:13.820
about embracing changes, change in different elements of our life come up. Like, how do
00:22:18.040
we address that? How do we deal with that? So that's where that's coming from. Uh, as
00:22:21.440
far as guitar playing, honestly, I have, I've really let a couple of things go. My guitar
00:22:26.560
playing, um, even my, my archery practice I've let go. I had made a post about that just
00:22:32.960
the other day that I'm, I'm getting back into it. Um, I've, I've just been so busy and
00:22:37.200
I can use that as an excuse, but at the end of the day, I've just placed my priorities
00:22:41.640
on other things right now with the move and everything else. Um, but that's not to say
00:22:45.980
I don't want to continue to do those things. I'm just building those back into my process
00:22:49.520
because it slipped, you know, just like we talked about to the next point. How do you
00:22:53.100
build urgency into what you're doing? Um, you collapse your timeframe a little bit.
00:22:58.420
What I've noticed, for example, is, well, I'll give you an example. Uh, today, as of
00:23:03.200
this recording, it's my oldest son's birthday and he's 11 years old. And so if I think about
00:23:09.760
it, I've got seven years with him before he's, you know, on, he's moving on and he's
00:23:14.340
hopefully going on a church mission or he's going to college and he's, he's just starting
00:23:18.260
his life. Right. And so I hear that I'm like seven years. Oh, I got plenty of time. Seven
00:23:22.400
years. That's a long time, except for it's really not, you know, it's not a lot of time.
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If you think about it and you collapse that timeframe and you think, man, that's how long
00:23:32.980
my second son has been with us. You know, he's been, he's eight. So it's like you find
00:23:38.100
different ways to think about how you can collapse these timeframes and stop thinking
00:23:41.620
that everything's so far away. Like it's such a short period of time that we have. And if
00:23:46.840
you take that opportunity to think of it like that, I think you'll realize that, man, we
00:23:52.460
just don't have as much time on the spinning rock as we would like. So very tactically, excuse
00:23:59.440
me, tactically. Um, I would recommend the battle plan. Like we talk about this all the time,
00:24:05.420
but it's a 12 week battle plan, not 52 week, not decade plan. It's what are you going to
00:24:12.380
do in the next 90 days? 90 days. It's all you have. You've got 90 days. And people say
00:24:19.600
all the time, what's, what's the plan for order of man after I have a direction, but I
00:24:22.700
don't have a plan for what's after. Cause I'm hyper focused on this 90 days right now. And
00:24:29.000
then I can worry about the next 90 days when I get to that point. But the more that we incorporate
00:24:33.200
and adopt the battle plan into our life and we make it daily habits and we realize we're
00:24:37.700
operating in these short blocks of time, I think we'll be a lot more urgent to complete
00:24:41.940
the things that we have placed emphasis and priority on.
00:24:46.380
I would like to suggest that everyone listening, imagine for 90 days, if you just 100% killed
00:24:55.360
it at work, in your physical life, in your spirituality, everything you did all the things that you
00:25:01.840
know you should be doing that you continually blow off and procrastinate on. And you just
00:25:07.420
got after it and did all those things for 90 days. Imagine what kind of man you would show
00:25:19.880
I mean, forget about all that. You'd just be fulfilled. I mean, look, there's nothing wrong
00:25:23.540
with inspiring people, but just do it for yourself. Even be selfish. You know, like, like imagine,
00:25:29.540
imagine this for a second. You wake up after a good night's sleep and you feel energized and
00:25:36.880
refreshed and you drink a bunch of water and you get up and you feel limber and you're able to move
00:25:42.600
and then you stretch out and you go work out and you're feeling good because you moved your body
00:25:46.700
and you sweat. And then you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, holy shit, I look good.
00:25:49.880
You know, I lost 20 pounds. I can, I can see my abs, right? I'm losing love handles, the muffin tops
00:25:54.820
around my waist. And you feel good about that. And then your wife looks at you and she's like,
00:26:00.000
damn, hon, you look good. You know? And then you get that, that little surge because she's
00:26:04.940
starting to notice you. And then, and then maybe things get more physical and then you have energy
00:26:09.040
and opportunities to play with your kids. Your kids get home and you're not exhausted because
00:26:13.080
you're, you're doing work that you found meaning in and you're engaged in. And then little Billy comes
00:26:18.600
home and he's like, dad, let's play catch. And you're like, sweet, I've got energy. I want to go play
00:26:21.900
catch right after that. You go for a run and then you eat healthy food. Like think about,
00:26:25.720
think about how awesome this would be. I mean, I know it is when I'm doing it. I'm not saying I'm
00:26:30.940
a hundred percent perfect on that, but man, when I'm doing these types of things and I'm improving
00:26:35.560
my life, man, I feel unstoppable. I feel alive. I feel like I'm on fire. And I think that's something
00:26:41.520
that a lot of men are missing big time in their lives because they're very simply put, they're just
00:26:47.440
not doing the work required to have that. They haven't earned the right to that type of life.
00:26:51.660
And I'd like to say I'm better at it, you know, as maybe more than I really am. But man,
00:26:56.340
when I'm on fire like that, I'm unstoppable. It's amazing. Yeah. Love it. Tom Kingwell,
00:27:03.660
what is the thing you battle with yourself the most? How have you tried to change this aspect?
00:27:10.860
For me, it's patience. It's always patience. You know, I'm, I, I tend to be a really impatient guy.
00:27:15.900
I want things now. I want the results quickly. This even spills in the conversation.
00:27:20.640
I never noticed that. Yeah. Most people would have spills into the way I talk. Like I'm like,
00:27:24.840
talk fast. Like I got shit to do. Like, come on, let's get through it. And, and also at the same
00:27:29.340
time, it hinders my level of empathy. Cause I'm like, I don't care. Let's fix it. Okay. You're
00:27:33.240
having a bad day. What can we do to fix it? And, and yet like, it's really hard for me to
00:27:37.140
like really just slow down and even appreciate where I am. You know, I think about patients in
00:27:43.100
my business. You know, our, our podcast is very, very successful. This movement is very,
00:27:47.840
very successful. And so from the outside, looking in, a lot of people are like, man,
00:27:52.180
I just can't believe how good you've done and all the wonderful things. And I'm like,
00:27:55.320
what are you talking about? Like we got, like, we're just scratching the surface. We got to go,
00:27:58.900
go, go, go, go, go, go. And yet, yeah, we should be happy and we should be celebrating the things
00:28:05.620
that we've done. Um, when my kids aren't, you know, maybe behaving the way they should, or
00:28:10.800
I don't know, they have their own stuff and I've got my stuff. Like I, I snap at them quickly and,
00:28:16.340
and I get impatient and I might lose, lose my temper more quickly than I should. And so it's like
00:28:21.440
really hard for me just to like stop and smell the roses, if you will. And I think in a lot of ways,
00:28:26.820
that's good because that ambition and that drive has produced some incredible results in my life.
00:28:33.660
But also like the, the, the older I get, I'm not old, but the older I get, the more I realize,
00:28:39.460
you know, that stuff's good, but there's other things that are good too. Like just being able
00:28:44.520
to go on a walk that it doesn't have to be a race, right? Like you can just walk. I did this the
00:28:50.420
other day when we were in, in Zion, I live at the base of Zion national park and me and my wife and
00:28:55.460
four kids went on a pretty moderate hike for the easy hike for us, moderate, maybe for them.
00:29:00.560
But my little girl, uh, she's five. She really struggled. And I'm like, come on, come on,
00:29:06.060
like, hurry up. What are you doing? Come on. And I'm like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. What are you doing here?
00:29:09.740
Like relax, just relax, man. Like go walk with her. And yeah, you're going to walk at 25% of the speed
00:29:15.620
you're capable of, but that's the point. It's like, just stop and slow down. And so that level of
00:29:22.020
patience is something I'm, I'm always dealing with, man. It's always something on my mind.
00:29:28.460
I'm similar. I think I have the same just general thing. I mean, even when it, when it,
00:29:34.020
even when I'm home, right. I want to get home. I'm like, all right, what's, what things need to
00:29:38.380
get done? Right. You know, work on the garage, you clean this, fix this, do my laundry. You know,
00:29:43.820
my, meanwhile, my wife's like, uh, family time, right. Just relax and just play. And you know what I
00:29:51.580
mean? And I have a tendency to just kind of want to be productive. Um, yeah, it's something I
00:29:56.720
struggle with, but it's also a testament to my wife and the balance that she is to me,
00:30:02.240
because that's exactly what she brings to the equation. And we joke around all the time that
00:30:07.260
whenever she says, Oh, we have a family party, we have this. And I'm always like, uh, like I don't
00:30:12.140
want to do it, but I never regret it though. Always after I'm like, thanks, babe. That was great.
00:30:17.460
Yeah. You know? So she, she helps me a lot in that space, but it's, it's probably that. And
00:30:23.380
maybe ego sometimes. I think I, you know, my ego gets in the way a little bit and I don't want to
00:30:28.380
accept that I'm wrong or I don't know that I can. I mean, are you wrong? I don't know.
00:30:33.240
Not really. Yeah. But yeah. Supposedly my wife says I have an ego problem. I don't know what her
00:30:37.240
deal is. People say, you know, it's funny is when I make a comment on, you know, Facebook or
00:30:43.320
Instagram, wherever we're, wherever we're doing it. Um, people always come back and not,
00:30:47.500
not, not always, but there'll be people who disagree, right? Yeah. And I'll come back and
00:30:52.620
I'll give a rebuttal to their disagreement. And then it's always fascinating to me to hear a guy
00:30:56.920
say, you always do that. Whenever somebody disagrees with you, you, you fight back on it.
00:31:00.740
I'm like, yeah, because it's called a disagreement. Like, like, I don't know. You don't agree with me
00:31:06.260
and I don't agree with you. What would you have me do? Just like roll over and say, Oh, you're right.
00:31:10.380
Like that's the point of a disagreement. But one of the things they often come back with,
00:31:14.960
Oh, you're just, it's just your ego. It's your ego. I'm like, yeah, maybe sometimes. And maybe
00:31:18.680
just sometimes I disagree. Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Right. But ego is something I also deal with as
00:31:23.980
well. And I, I realized that also. Well, and people need to realize that when you're making a post,
00:31:29.300
you're, you're making a point about something that's important. So for me to leave a comment and
00:31:35.600
disagree with you, I think it's important for you to clarify why my disagreement might be wrong or
00:31:42.260
not. Like you're in a position where people are seeking your advice in your opinion. So you need
00:31:48.440
to clarify, like you almost really truly need to clarify based upon your job and role. Um,
00:31:54.840
sometimes I clarify. Sometimes I just say you're an idiot. Yeah. It just really,
00:31:58.460
but you know what I'm saying? Like, yes, I know what you're saying.
00:32:01.100
I never feel like I'm never going to, I don't know. It just doesn't, that doesn't seem as much
00:32:06.160
of a calling for me to clarify if someone sees it differently, but in the position in which you're
00:32:10.880
in, I think that's even more critical. The challenge for me is trying to decipher
00:32:15.500
between what warrants a response and what doesn't. And I feel like I get it right most of the time,
00:32:20.800
but I realized that maybe I jumped the gun or assume something that really isn't the case. But I can
00:32:25.900
tell, I think for the most part, when somebody wants to have civil discourse and they want to have a
00:32:30.640
discussion about something, even though we may disagree and in that case, just the chain kind
00:32:34.840
of thing. Yeah. And there's, which there's plenty of, you know, it's like, you know, these people,
00:32:39.400
I don't know what, what their thought process is, but they're just filled with anger. I mean,
00:32:44.600
that's what really, what it is is like, people are angry and I'm like, dude, I don't have time for
00:32:48.380
this. Like, I hope you figure out whatever it is you need out of life to, to be happy, but it's not
00:32:52.820
my obligation or responsibility or even desire to help you in this point in this moment. So
00:32:57.340
that's a hard one trying to decipher between who wants to have these types of discussions and
00:33:01.920
who's just being an a-hole. Yeah. And what's ironic is that anger is only online.
00:33:10.260
Like, um, yeah, well, it's more prevalent for sure. Yeah. But you know what I'm saying? It's a,
00:33:14.900
it's under the, um, the protection of the, of the internet, right? Like, oh, it was a cowardly
00:33:21.840
angry, you know? Well, not even that though. You can, the problem with social media as wonderful
00:33:27.500
it is, as it is. And a lot of guys wouldn't be here listening to this podcast if it weren't for it
00:33:31.080
is that we can compartmentalize, right? So let's say that Kip, you and I are talking about an issue
00:33:35.720
on this podcast, for example, and we disagree, right? But let's assume that for the sake of this
00:33:41.260
illustration that we don't know each other. All right. So we, we disagree on this one point.
00:33:46.580
Well, I don't know you outside of anything else other than the context of what we're talking.
00:33:52.140
And so I just apply your thought process in this case, the thought that you're wrong or an asshole
00:33:59.620
or whatever, or an idiot or moron broadly to your entire life. But if I, but if I knew you, like I do,
00:34:07.920
I know what your struggles are. I've, you know, we've, we've done jujitsu together. We've led the
00:34:13.540
iron council together. There's times where you've, you know, asked for my guidance and direction.
00:34:17.940
There's times where I've asked for your guidance and direction. And because I know you in a greater
00:34:21.560
context, there's more leniency in disagreements and things that we may not see eye to eye on
00:34:28.140
because I know you as a person versus just taking this one element of you that you're either wrong
00:34:35.740
or an a-hole or a moron in this one specific scenario and think that just applies to you as a
00:34:41.660
human being when very rarely it's the case. If you get to know people.
00:34:45.120
Totally. When you could have respect for an individual and then they disagree with you.
00:34:50.660
And that changes your response to that disagreement in the sense of like, well, you know, I really
00:34:54.340
highly respect Ryan. And so the fact that he's disagreeing with me, you know, maybe, maybe I am
00:34:59.820
wrong. Maybe I should consider what he's saying because I respect him to some level versus, uh, this,
00:35:05.700
this guy's just a moron and he doesn't see what I see.
00:35:11.780
Cool. All right. Moose in your post, fix your marriage by fixing yourself. You suggested
00:35:17.420
challenging yourself. What did you do during your separation to push yourself out of your comfort
00:35:22.520
zone? Was it something physical, mental, or was it in all fronts at once?
00:35:28.340
Yeah. Well, I, I always go, you guys know this. I go back to the battle plan and there's four
00:35:32.160
quadrants inside of the battle plan. And these are areas of our life that we should be focusing on.
00:35:35.940
So for me, what I was doing is I was focusing on those four quadrants, even though they weren't as
00:35:41.240
articulated as, as, as clearly as maybe they are right now. Um, but you have calibration,
00:35:46.680
which is yourself. And so for me, it was about picking up a couple of new hobbies and new,
00:35:52.460
new activities and new interests, and also a level of, of reading, um, that I wasn't doing before
00:35:57.660
because I had to get right in my mind. And I wasn't doing that before I was pouring everything I
00:36:02.780
could into external sources. And as noble as that might be, um, it was coming at my own expense.
00:36:08.120
So for me, it was really challenging myself to be a little bit more selfish, to take some time to
00:36:13.140
read, to take some time to engage in activities and interests and hobbies and pursuits that were only
00:36:18.360
for me. That's number one calibration next is connection. And so what happened is I was going
00:36:24.840
through, um, my, well, before I went through my separation, um, it was, I poured everything into
00:36:32.980
my wife and my son, my one-year-old son at the time. And when I started dating my wife, um, I, I
00:36:39.200
forsaked all of my friends, gave up all my friendships, gave up all my hobbies, spent time only with her.
00:36:45.760
And so when we went through our separation, there was nobody around, dude, like nobody was there
00:36:51.980
because I hadn't been fostering those relationships beforehand. So the challenge for me with regards
00:36:57.840
to the connection department, now that my wife was no longer there to, to support me as if she needed
00:37:03.040
to, uh, I had to go out and make friends. And that was really challenging. I had to call old friends who
00:37:09.480
I hadn't seen for years and try to re-engage them. I had to invite people on outings and activities.
00:37:15.760
And be more social. And I actually tend not to be that much of a social creature anyways.
00:37:21.340
So that was very, very challenging to go out and do that.
00:37:25.780
Yeah. I just, I just run a podcast with 10 million downloads, but you know, I'm not really a social
00:37:30.540
guy. No, I know. And it's weird to say, but it's easy to do it on a podcast, you know, like it's so
00:37:38.940
easy just to have a conversation with somebody across the airwaves. But when you have to sit down
00:37:43.380
face-to-face and interact, that is significantly more challenging for me. I've always felt awkward
00:37:48.100
in that, in that space. Anyways, uh, the third component is condition. So this is your physical
00:37:54.540
health. So for me, I'd law, I mean, I had gained, um, gosh, I was 50 pounds overweight. So I started
00:38:00.240
losing weight. I started to, uh, go into the gym daily. I started to get into some obstacle course
00:38:06.700
racing and some things like that, and really look for opportunities to push myself and exert myself
00:38:11.020
physically. And then the last component of that is, uh, contribution, which is giving back,
00:38:18.880
becoming a man of value, making yourself more valuable. And what I was going through at the
00:38:23.380
time is a struggling financial planning practice. So to push myself past where I was comfortable,
00:38:28.400
um, I actually had to reach out to some advisors in my office and ask for their help. And that doesn't
00:38:35.820
sound like a big deal, except for when you pride yourself on being self-reliant and being able to
00:38:41.300
figure shit out on your own. It's very hard to go to somebody else and say, Hey, I don't have this
00:38:46.420
figured out. Can you please help me? And it wasn't like, it was challenging to do, but they were
00:38:53.160
completely receptive to it. And it changed my entire financial planning practice so much so that
00:38:58.560
about four or five, six months ago or so. Um, I sold my financial planning practice because I was
00:39:04.980
in the position to do it through a lot of things, but the starting point was reaching out and asking
00:39:10.960
for help, dropping the ego. Like we were talking about last time. These are all ways that I pushed
00:39:15.100
myself. I didn't know I was doing it in those quadrants necessarily. There wasn't anything as the
00:39:19.940
quadrants back then, but that's what I was doing. Yeah. I think it's important to note, Ryan, that we see
00:39:26.660
this in the iron council where guys will neglect one of those quadrants and they'll be like, you
00:39:32.640
know, marriage is good. Everything's good. I need to really focus in and hone in on work more. And I've
00:39:39.040
seen this personally where within six months, all of a sudden we have a guy in the iron council going,
00:39:45.560
yeah, my wife is saying that she might want to get a divorce. I mean, guys, it's so important.
00:39:52.660
The balance of those four is critical, right? We, we cannot neglect any one of them and they
00:39:59.920
support each other. We talked about this all the time. Like guys that are maybe struggling in maybe
00:40:04.480
all areas of their life. They start working out on a daily basis. Guess what? That helps your work a
00:40:09.260
little bit. Her family life. Yeah. Like they, it, it all, they all contribute to one another and you
00:40:15.400
can't neglect one over the other. This is why I have such a hard time with these Insta gurus and
00:40:19.920
Insta celebs were like, hustle and grind, hustle and grind. You got to go out and put in 200 hours
00:40:23.980
a week. It's like, dude, I promise you, I promise you there's more to life than building your business
00:40:32.360
empire. Do I think you should do that? Yes, I do. I think you should go out and I think you should
00:40:37.660
make more money than you know what to do with by helping more people than you ever could have
00:40:41.860
imagined. But I don't think that should ever come at the expense of being able to coach your son's
00:40:47.220
baseball team or go to your daughter's dance recital or take your wife on a date every week.
00:40:53.200
And if you're doing those things and you're neglecting other areas, then you're out of whack
00:40:58.800
and it's going to come back to bite you in the ass. I promise you, because I've been there,
00:41:03.820
been there with the business and also vice versa. If you're pouring everything into your family,
00:41:08.380
but you're not taking care of yourself, it will come back to bite you in the ass and you'll be caught
00:41:13.380
off guard when your wife wants to leave you because you drained all of her energy because you didn't
00:41:17.420
have another source of energy where you could edify and uplift and fulfill yourself. So this concept of
00:41:25.520
being a well-rounded man is critical to the success of every area in which you operate.
00:41:33.580
It's not enough to say, I'm a really good businessman, but forsake your family. It's not enough to say,
00:41:38.720
I really love my kids, but I can't make any money to support them. It's not enough to say,
00:41:43.600
I really have the relationship stuff dialed down, but I'm a hundred pounds overweight and I don't
00:41:49.120
have the energy that I would like to have. It's not enough to say that you're physically fit,
00:41:54.860
except for you're just drowning in debt because you can't manage your money. You need to have
00:42:00.000
everything locked in. And that's how you create an optimal life, not by exceeding in one area,
00:42:06.660
but by raising your capabilities and your proficiency in all areas.
00:42:17.460
Mark Enders, how did you come up with Order of Man and Iron Council? How did you launch them?
00:42:25.880
So I think we got to be really careful with questions like these because they aren't just
00:42:30.360
like one moment in time where like one day I had this idea and I started a business plan and
00:42:38.280
completed my LLC and launched my website. And now we have 500 members of the Iron Council and 10
00:42:45.540
million downloads. Like it doesn't work like that. So we have to be very, very careful of saying like,
00:42:51.140
one day I just opened the doors and everything was wonderful because that paints a false sense of
00:42:55.360
reality for those who might be inspired by what we're doing and what they want to do personally.
00:43:01.240
So for me, the way that it came about is I was doing another podcast for my financial planning
00:43:08.300
practice. I wanted to learn how to use podcasting to develop and build my podcast or practice and
00:43:14.020
potentially get new clients. And so I did about 20 episodes, realized, man, I really love this medium
00:43:20.000
of podcasting. I don't want to talk about finances only. So let's broaden it. And I was listening to
00:43:25.140
guys like Brett McKay with Art of Manliness and Lewis Howes and John Lee Dumas and Pat Flynn.
00:43:31.960
And I'm like, man, I really liked this idea like of growing a movement and a tribe rallied around
00:43:37.240
some sort of cause or idea. And so I threw my hat into the Order of Man podcast. And when I started,
00:43:44.020
I didn't have any plans of the Iron Council. I didn't have any plans of being four years into this
00:43:49.140
thing and reaching tens of millions of men across the planet. I didn't have any of this stuff planned.
00:43:53.520
I just said, I want to do it. And it grew and it grew and it grew and it started to consume more of
00:43:59.320
my financial planning practice time. And my wife came to me and said, hey, this is great. You're doing
00:44:04.040
a good job. I can see that you're uplifted, that this is satisfying to you, but you're taking away
00:44:09.460
from the family household income because you're not doing as much financial planning. So you need to like
00:44:14.380
scale back or find a way to make some money. And I said, well, I'm not scaling back. I'm going in.
00:44:19.580
And so I figured out a way to make money. I made a course available. I called it the Iron Council.
00:44:24.340
It was in November of 2015, about seven months after I started Order of Man. And I invited 12 men.
00:44:31.540
I had 12 spots. They paid, I think it was a hundred bucks for 12 guys, made 1200 bucks.
00:44:39.060
Big money, man. Big money. And we were off to the races, you know, and we opened the full
00:44:44.820
fledged Iron Council. And then one day I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought, man,
00:44:49.100
it'd be just really cool to bring some guys in. I think we, what do we have? 20 guys. Cause we call
00:44:54.300
ourselves the terrible 20. I'm going to bring 20 guys in from all over the country. We're going to
00:44:58.280
do, you know, three and a half days of just man stuff. And I'd put a deposit down on a cabin the next
00:45:04.300
day. And the next day after that, I woke up and thought, what the hell did you just do? And
00:45:09.020
nobody signed up and I had to call the guy. I almost lost my deposit, but he worked with me and
00:45:15.560
we revamped and retooled it a little bit and did it again. And we had 20 guys come. And then,
00:45:21.620
then, you know, not too long ago, I think it was a year and a half ago. I'm like, this would be cool
00:45:25.400
if we did it with sons. And so we created the legacy event and we had 40, 40 guys out for that.
00:45:32.260
Like it, like we just, we just do it. I don't know. I wish I could tell you I had some grand
00:45:36.160
strategy. I don't know if I'm not that smart or I don't, or not that organized, but I'm like,
00:45:41.120
if I have a plan or, or I shouldn't say plan, if I have a thought about something, mark my words,
00:45:46.920
I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. And some of those things are going to fail and flop
00:45:50.880
and other things are going to go really well. And other things are going to be kind of the mediocre.
00:45:55.640
I don't know. I wish I could tell you I had some great strategy or plan, but frankly,
00:45:59.740
it just hasn't been like that at all. It's just been kind of fly by the seat of your pants. And if it
00:46:04.240
works, we keep doing it. If it doesn't, we scrap it and go back to the drawing board.
00:46:08.080
Yeah. But I think at the center of all that, Ryan is you're constantly taking action on,
00:46:12.700
on what you think about or you're trying and you, and you do, you act.
00:46:21.740
I mean, I'll tell you, I have this, I am, it almost, it's disgusting to me. And I know that
00:46:26.480
might be a harsh word, but I reject, reject completely. It almost makes me throw up in my
00:46:32.320
mouth a little bit. When I think about either me or anybody else who has a thought or an idea,
00:46:37.160
but doesn't take action on it. And because I'm repulsed by that behavior or lack of behavior,
00:46:43.820
I guess, lack of action, it drives me to just try things, you know, just try it.
00:46:49.540
What's the worst that's going to happen? You know, nobody's going to show up. You're going to lose a
00:46:52.780
couple thousand dollars. You're going to lose some time or some sleep, but damn, that's a small price
00:46:58.960
to pay to know that you're out trying things. And man, some of those things are going to work
00:47:02.880
really, really well. So I think if we all adopted that mantra of just being completely disgusted and
00:47:09.340
appalled by somebody or even ourselves who had an idea and didn't act on it, we would try to distance
00:47:17.800
Yeah. Phil Derner in relationships. How do you know when it's really time to end it and move on?
00:47:25.020
We seek to take ownership and set the example and work on ourselves. But at some point we must also
00:47:29.880
recognize that things are not going to improve. How do you know this little disclaimer by Phil here?
00:47:35.700
FYI, I'm happy, but my friends ask me this often and I never have a good answer for them.
00:47:42.080
Man, I don't either. I don't either. And I'm always hesitant to answer these ones. Cause I've had
00:47:46.380
guys who I've had a couple of women actually reach out and say, you ruined my marriage.
00:47:52.180
And I'm like, well, I didn't ruin it. You ruined it. You and your husband ruined it. Like if,
00:47:55.780
if it's something as simple as some words that I said that ruined a marriage, then there was
00:47:59.640
something way deeper going on than just some random a-hole talking through the airwaves of
00:48:05.240
podcasting that ruined it. Okay. So that's, so there's more to it. So I'm all, but I am,
00:48:09.940
I am hesitant to answer this. I think, especially when it comes to a marriage, you know,
00:48:14.560
we've given our word and we've, we've made some vows. And I think that we owe it to ourselves
00:48:18.920
and our spouse to go a little bit further than maybe we normally would, um, to invest a lot more
00:48:25.080
energy and time and patience and sacrifice into the relationship than maybe some other random
00:48:31.080
relationship that we have. But I think if you're on the road to improvement and you can look yourself
00:48:38.800
in the mirror and honestly say that you are doing everything you can to develop and build a
00:48:44.640
relationship and honor the commitments that you've made, that you're engaging in hobbies that are
00:48:49.700
edifying and uplifting you, that you're reading books and listening to good podcasts and consuming
00:48:54.460
good information, um, that you're trying to elevate your station at work so you can make more money and
00:48:59.200
provide for your family. And you've got this level of sacrifice. Like if you can say all of those
00:49:04.360
things with a hundred percent confidence and you just don't see that being reciprocated,
00:49:09.700
then I think the first step is to communicate that all too often. We just say, I'm out,
00:49:15.740
I'm out of here. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. And we bail. But I think that is a disservice to
00:49:20.140
yourself and the person you committed to. So communicate that, you know, if you're in that
00:49:24.860
relationship, it's hon, I've been doing all of these things and here's where I've grown and here's
00:49:30.160
where I improved and here's how I've, I've tried to change my life. And I would ask that you do X,
00:49:35.580
Y, and Z that you come on this path with me. I want to walk this path with you, but I haven't
00:49:40.080
felt like you're willing to walk that path. These are the types of conversations. They're difficult,
00:49:45.000
they're awkward, they're uncomfortable, and they might actually lead to, um, a situation in which
00:49:50.440
you don't want, but that's significantly better than just hiding. And then one day blowing up and
00:49:56.120
ending the relationship just on a blowup or a minor disagreement. Um, I, I can't really give
00:50:02.420
you a more clear answer than that because it's not like one moment. It's like, Oh, if this happens,
00:50:07.600
the relationship's over. Don't, don't do anything else. You're out of the relationship,
00:50:12.080
get yourself out. And then of course you have other factors like children and homes and,
00:50:18.360
you know, things that you own together. I mean, there's so much to consider here. I just wish I had
00:50:22.280
a better answer. I don't, you just have to feel it out and do everything you can to improve
00:50:25.680
yourself. Hiram Sims with the three categories, provide, protect, and preside. Do you ever find
00:50:34.740
yourself focusing too much on one and then collecting the other two? If so, how do you
00:50:39.360
prioritize? My father taught me growing up the four F's of fatherhood, faith, family, fitness,
00:50:46.680
and finance in that order. I love it. These are all frameworks, you know, and the, and the more
00:50:52.240
frameworks that you have in place, the more that you can operate within those frameworks because
00:50:56.020
they're designed to serve you well. This is why the patriarchy is so important. Like everybody says
00:51:01.920
that the Patriot, not everybody, there's a, a few people, I should say the vocal minority in society
00:51:07.320
are like down with the patriarchy. It's tyrannical and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, it's not,
00:51:12.300
these are fathers teaching their children, daughters, and sons frameworks that they can use to improve
00:51:20.120
their lives. And, and I love this one. What, what it was, what was it? Faith, family, what? Tell me
00:51:25.320
again, finances. Uh, yeah. Faith, family, fitness, and finance, fitness, and finance. Yeah. I love it.
00:51:32.400
Um, what do you do to make sure that you have these in the right order? You plan out every single day
00:51:37.780
and you make sure that you hit one of the four F's every single day, that there isn't a day that goes
00:51:44.040
by where you don't work on your faith. There isn't a day that goes by where you don't work on your
00:51:48.600
fitness and your family and your finances. Every single day you do one of those things. We do the
00:51:54.780
exact same thing when it comes to our planning method and you get a point every day for one of the
00:52:01.180
four C's. And it's very similar to what you're talking about. Calibration, which is spiritual health,
00:52:07.220
emotional and mental wellbeing that ties into, to faith. Uh, number two is connections, which is your
00:52:15.720
relationship. So family three is condition, which is physical health. And then four is contribution,
00:52:23.440
which is becoming a man of value, which inevitably is going to get you paid more and, and, and work on
00:52:29.020
your finances. So these are frameworks that are very common. It's not something we've created here,
00:52:33.680
but you get a point every day for working on those things. And then through a tracking mechanism that I
00:52:38.660
use and the guys in the iron council use, they can look at it and see, man, I'm killing it.
00:52:44.040
I'm killing it on my condition quadrant. Uh, but I'm really, really falling behind on, uh, the
00:52:51.800
contribution component because they can actually see, you know, I'm a hundred percent here and I'm
00:52:55.900
30% over here. And then they reevaluate and they re-engage and they go back to the drawing board and
00:53:00.660
they figure something else out. Where do I fall short? I fall short on, um, calibration, which is
00:53:07.820
taking care of my spiritual, mental, and emotional wellbeing. That's where I usually fall short.
00:53:12.580
Pretty locked in with the family stuff. Um, because I, I coach teams and every day I'm out playing with
00:53:19.560
my kids. Like I'm pretty dialed in there. Um, I'm, I'm pretty good on the physical fitness stuff. Cause
00:53:25.420
that's just robotic. I just go in every day and it's done. Uh, the becoming a man of value and
00:53:30.960
specifically with regards to finances, that's where I thrive. Like maybe it's because my background's in
00:53:36.000
finance or whatever else, but that, that is always the easiest thing for me to do. But I fall behind
00:53:42.220
on calibration, which is faith and spiritual and emotional wellbeing, but I track it and then I
00:53:46.780
make my adjustments accordingly. Cool. Next question is by Anthony, one of the, um, leaders
00:53:53.520
within the iron council. What is the team hotel? I know. What is the best way to get back to consistent
00:54:00.280
action? Once you fell, uh, fell off or had a bad day, clarity and consistency are said to be the
00:54:06.020
cornerstone of congruency between who you are and who you desire to become. How often should one check
00:54:12.320
in on their vision to ensure that it remains clear in a vivid picture that they follow? How do you
00:54:18.020
utilize vision in accomplishing your personal and professional goals? So I'll give you a little bit
00:54:23.400
of a story here just over the past couple of weeks. Um, and I told you earlier that I've really
00:54:28.100
fallen off and fallen behind on practicing my archery, which happened to be one of my calibration
00:54:33.220
tactics that I would practice for 30 minutes every single day. And I've really, really fallen off
00:54:38.400
and fallen behind on that. So I go out last night and it's probably the first time I've been out
00:54:43.060
with the bow for, I don't know, maybe three weeks or so. And I shot like crap. I mean, just complete
00:54:50.780
garbage. I was all over the place and I couldn't get it locked in. And I was just getting pissed off
00:54:55.500
cause I'm a better shot than what I was shooting yesterday. And as I was beating myself up, like
00:55:02.000
what is going on? I could notice myself actually getting worse. I'm just getting worse. I'm like,
00:55:07.860
all right, this is not working. Just stop, put the bow down for a second and just do something else.
00:55:15.260
And so that something else was my son wanted to, um, work on his hitting. So we went out to the field
00:55:20.620
and we took some balls and I worked on his, his, the mechanics of swinging a bat and we just had a
00:55:26.240
really good time. Came back to the bow and I'm like, all right, I just want to start fresh. I
00:55:31.440
don't want to rely on what I used to be doing. I don't want to rely upon what happened earlier in
00:55:35.080
the day. I just want to start completely fresh. What do I need to do right now to make this a good
00:55:40.600
session? And very simply for me, it was to go through my shot suite sequence. So I, I work from my
00:55:46.820
feet up. So I, okay, where's my stance? Where's my hips, my straight up and down, draw the bow.
00:55:53.240
Is my front arm in the right angle? Is my elbow up? Do I have, am I anchored? Like I go through the
00:56:00.020
entire shot sequence and I just let the results go from there, you know, just go through your sequence.
00:56:08.720
And it was a way better session. That, that next session was significantly better for me because I
00:56:14.340
went through the sequence. I started over, I gave myself a clean slate and I really tried to evaluate
00:56:20.640
what I needed to do to improve and how I needed to get better in that session. Life is the same way.
00:56:27.480
It's the exact same way. We get so discouraged and so distraught over what happened yesterday and what
00:56:34.200
happened earlier. And, you know, I got into the argument with my wife or I didn't get the project
00:56:39.540
done on time. Just every day, give yourself a clean slate. I can't remember who said it, but he
00:56:44.720
said every night when I go to sleep, I die. And when I wake up, I'm reborn. I'm paraphrasing a little
00:56:51.260
bit here, but that's how we look at it. Just give yourself a clean slate. All right. You jacked
00:56:56.320
something up, you screwed something up, you messed up. Okay, fine. Wipe it off the slate, rectify it
00:57:03.900
wherever you can. We talked about that in last week's ask me anything and give yourself a clean slate
00:57:08.760
from which to operate and build from the ground up, build from that foundation up. What's next?
00:57:14.140
What's next? What's next? What's next? And what I say to the guys, especially as they're dealing with
00:57:19.900
separations and divorces. And I say, make yourself the project, make yourself the project. It is so
00:57:27.560
rewarding to go into, for example, my shop and have an idea of like, okay, I want to build bunk beds for
00:57:34.020
my kids and then go into the shop and like map it all out and, and figure out what I need for parts
00:57:40.620
and then go into home Depot and buy the parts and buy the hardware and buy the wood and then come
00:57:45.600
back and realize, okay, I drew this, but that's not going to work. So I got to scrap that idea,
00:57:50.320
but how could I fix that? Oh, I can tweak this or adjust this angle. And what, what new joints can I,
00:57:55.440
can I learn? And then you put it together and it's this amazing work of art. And you're like,
00:58:00.280
man, I built that. And I went through all this challenge to do that. So rewarding.
00:58:04.300
Our life should be the same way. Our life should be the exact same way. As we start with this clean
00:58:10.020
slate and you've got a piece of paper out and you're thinking about to Anthony's point,
00:58:13.380
what's my vision? What do I want to accomplish for the future? Like, what are my biggest objectives?
00:58:18.620
When I think about the type of man I want to be, what do I look like? How does that man carry
00:58:22.900
himself? What does he feel like? What's going through his mind? How is he serving other people?
00:58:26.900
What are the specific objectives that are going to allow me to do that? Okay. Now I've got this idea,
00:58:32.240
like what specifically can I do on a daily basis? So you start implementing those things and you look
00:58:37.540
at it at the end of the day and you're like, Oh man, that worked really well. Or you think that
00:58:41.220
didn't work really well. I got to fix that and tweak this and adjust this. It's the battle plan.
00:58:46.080
Guys, it's like, it is the battle plan. How do you improve? How do you fix it when you mess up?
00:58:53.320
How do you keep driving on? How do you have vision? Like the battle plan, do the battle plan
00:58:58.680
and, and just adopt it as your operating system for life. I think it's going to be very hard for you
00:59:05.060
to, to fail if, if you're using that effectively. Ryan, I, I think sometimes I, I, well, I think some
00:59:13.080
guys lose, I don't know, what kind of like the driving force around that battle plan. Um, and,
00:59:20.000
and I've known, and I've done this in the past. I, I'm not doing it currently. Um, but I've known
00:59:24.140
some guys that do this, uh, as well where part of their morning routine is, you know, they tie it to
00:59:30.460
journaling is, um, you know, affirmations or, or visualizations, um, around how they're going to
00:59:37.760
show up for the day. So for, for me, for instance, um, I kind of have a, I don't know, kind of like a
00:59:43.460
code of conduct. If you want to say that, that I read off as part of my journaling process.
00:59:48.360
And after I read that, I actually pull up my calendar and say, okay, I got, you know,
00:59:54.260
I got podcasts with Ryan at nine 30. I got this afternoon meeting with Microsoft. Then I have
01:00:00.500
jujitsu. Then, you know, I pick up the girls taking gymnastics. Like I look at my schedule
01:00:04.660
and based upon the code of conduct that I read, that mission, if you want to call it that,
01:00:10.500
I look at my calendar and say, okay, what, how do I show up to each of those things?
01:00:17.780
Right? Like, how does that man show up as silly as it may sound? How do I show up at jujitsu?
01:00:24.040
Like when I walk in the room, what's, what's my, like, I visualize it. How would that man show up?
01:00:30.180
How do I show up into that meeting? How do I show up when I come home after a days of work? How do I
01:00:36.380
communicate with my wife and kids? How does dinner go? Right. And, and I really think about those
01:00:41.380
things and it's, or at least for me, it's been really, really powerful because then I'm being
01:00:46.380
intentional and I've already determined how that day is going to go. And don't get me wrong.
01:00:52.520
Sometimes it gets derailed, but it allows me to kind of really be intentional in regards to the
01:00:57.640
silliest things of how do I walk into the building and, and how do I communicate to my team? And,
01:01:03.140
you know, what's the conversations I have with the guys on the mats or how do I roll? Am I passive
01:01:07.700
aggressive? Am I getting after it? I'm not giving up. I'm, you know, pushing myself harder doing the
01:01:13.820
workout for the day and everything else. And so I think sometimes those visions can really allow us
01:01:18.980
to, to remind us, why are we doing those tactics on the battle plan? Why are those tactics important?
01:01:25.540
Because in the grand scheme of things, you said that this was critical. This is what's at, at, at,
01:01:30.780
uh, this is what's at stake, right? When you don't show up, um, and, and just being present to the
01:01:38.360
impact, uh, that we can have in all those four quadrants, right. And, and how it affects our
01:01:43.180
communities, our families and, and everyone else. I think that's well said. Yeah. That's something I
01:01:47.420
don't frankly do all that well is the visualization side of things. Um, maybe it's because I feel like
01:01:52.440
that's internalized, but I could certainly improve that. And I know as I have, um, it's really been a
01:01:57.160
big help in making sure I stay on track and getting back on track when I, when I fall off a
01:02:02.000
little bit. Yeah. When I think every guy's just a little bit different, right? Some guys may need
01:02:06.340
that daily where for you, it's like, all right. In grind, you know, quarterly done, move on,
01:02:13.020
you know, like, and you don't have to remind yourself of what other guys, they may need that
01:02:16.860
affirmation to remind themselves of like what they're working towards and, and why they're doing
01:02:21.600
it. Yeah. A hundred percent. I think that's why it's so important. You know yourself for sure.
01:02:25.340
Yeah. Cool. Jordan Workman, as, as we all work on becoming better men, it's really about embracing
01:02:32.000
change and creating winning habits, routines, and mindsets. Which ones have been key in your life?
01:02:39.460
Uh, habits, mindsets, those types of things. Yeah. Uh, for me, it's understanding that I'm not a victim.
01:02:47.000
And even if I was at one point in some capacity, um, I can't think of what that actually might be,
01:02:52.060
but even if I fall into that, that, that has, that excuse has expired. So it's really just taking
01:02:58.220
life by the horns, right? And realizing that what you want is what you make it or, or excuse me,
01:03:03.700
what, what you want out of life is, is ultimately up to you to make that out of life. Right. Um,
01:03:10.160
that's it. That's it. Yeah. Like, do you have a routine that's been just really awesome for you?
01:03:15.140
Um, for embracing change or what? Yeah. Yeah. Or, you know, like a winning habit. You're like,
01:03:21.500
oh man, once I implemented this habit or this routine, it's made a major adjustment for me.
01:03:27.640
Um, I mean the basics that you'd think of, you know, working out, eating right,
01:03:32.080
journaling, that kind of stuff. The big, the biggest thing for me though, I'll tell you guys
01:03:35.760
is just taking 20 minutes before at the end of your day and 20 minutes at the beginning of your day
01:03:42.620
and earmarking that for planning. That has just been so huge. And I know it'd make a huge,
01:03:48.360
huge change in men's lives because they aren't doing it. They just aren't doing it.
01:03:53.400
What does that look like specifically for you? It's like planning the day, like these critical
01:03:57.020
things need to get done today. And then after action review at the end of the day.
01:03:59.940
Yeah. So the way that it would work for me is at the end of my business day, I do it. I look
01:04:05.260
through my plan and I'm like, okay, what did I accomplish? I got all of these things accomplished.
01:04:09.520
Okay. I've got these two or three items that I need to do.
01:04:12.840
Which one am I going to start with tomorrow morning? Oh, wait, I have a call with Kip at 930.
01:04:16.740
So I can't do that. Okay. I'll plan that here at 1030 or 11. So I just, I just kind of plug it all
01:04:22.260
in. Right. I see. And then I know like the beauty of this is then I can disengage from work and I can
01:04:28.560
go be present with my kids because I've closed it out. I've given it closure. Most men don't give
01:04:34.320
themselves closure at the end of the day. And so their work spills over into their family life.
01:04:38.140
And then of course that, that doesn't help. Then, so I do that with work. Then at the end
01:04:43.180
of the night, I do the same thing. I'm like, all right, did anything change? Did my priorities
01:04:49.140
change? Did I get an email here or there that I need to fix? Okay. I've got my workout clothes out.
01:04:54.580
Um, I've got my, my, my water ready to go. My shoes are laid out. I know what the actual
01:04:59.760
workout is. Here's how the morning's going to go. I get it all. I get it all locked down.
01:05:04.960
Then I wake up about 530, do a little stretching, get cleaned up, get some water in me. And then I'm
01:05:11.000
in at the gym at six o'clock. Um, I go for an hour and then I come home. We do family scripture study.
01:05:18.000
We do family breakfast. The kids are getting ready. I'm getting ready at that point. I come into work,
01:05:22.740
get into work about eight 30. And I say into work, it's in my basement about eight 30.
01:05:28.760
And I take another 20 minutes plan on my day. I look at my emails. I'm like, okay,
01:05:33.320
nothing's really changed. Or I have to change this priority. Cause I got this email
01:05:36.860
and I strategize my day for 20 minutes. And then I just attack and do the same thing every day
01:05:41.960
over and over and over again. Love it. Take a couple more. All right. Benjamin Walston,
01:05:49.260
building your identity, not tied to a job associations and et cetera, standing on your
01:05:55.260
own two feet and knowing who the hell you are. Maybe some thoughts around that. It wasn't really
01:06:01.920
a question, but more of just a statement. I would say this is where vision really comes into play.
01:06:07.040
Like visualizing who you want to be. Uh, when you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you look
01:06:12.740
like? You know, are you thin and fit and lean muscle? Are you strong or are you frail and fragile?
01:06:20.920
A little, little doughy around the midsection? Like what is it that you actually look like?
01:06:25.980
And also how does that feel? Right? How do you feel when you wake up? Are you energized and
01:06:32.400
rejuvenated? Are you not? Um, do you have energy at the end of the day? Are you so exhausted that you
01:06:38.200
just plop your ass on the couch and watch Netflix for four hours? Like in your relationship, you know,
01:06:44.320
is it, is it, is it healthy? Is it engaged? Are you flirtatious with your wife? Um, are you guys
01:06:50.020
still having sex and are you still intimate and physical and playful with each other? And if not,
01:06:55.560
like how could you get there right at work? When you show up at work, are you excited about work
01:07:01.120
or are you dreading going to work? Are you one of the guys that say, I can't wait till, you know,
01:07:06.180
it's Monday afternoon. You're like, Oh, only four and a half more days. I can't wait for the
01:07:10.380
weekend. And then on Sunday night, you're just dreading life because you know, you're going to
01:07:14.740
have to go into a job that you despise and you're miserable with. And if that's how you're feeling,
01:07:19.780
what is the alternative to that? Consider that. Think about that. Visualize that. The more you start
01:07:26.060
to visualize and then follow it up with the planning and the strategy and the action to support that
01:07:30.300
vision, the better off you're going to be. A great resource on this is a book by James Allen,
01:07:36.180
As a Man Thinketh. One of my favorite, favorite books out there. Of course, Sovereignty, which is
01:07:41.640
my book, I think would be a big help in identifying who you are, a code of conduct for yourself, how
01:07:47.540
you're going to behave and the beginnings of the battle plan, which is the vision component of this,
01:07:52.580
which I think is really going to help Ben you if this is what you're thinking about and how to
01:07:57.900
create yourself and give yourself a new, improved identity.
01:08:03.300
Yeah. I love that, that he used a phrase creating or be, um, what did he use? What was the exact
01:08:11.680
word? Building your identity. Cause I, I do think it is a build. It is a choice.
01:08:16.260
For sure. And well, it can be, it can be, right? Yeah. And it should be sometimes guys run into
01:08:22.360
default. And so their identity is just whatever it is by default. And other guys are very intentional
01:08:27.680
and deliberate about their identity. And those, those men typically tend to be more successful
01:08:32.620
over long and sustained periods of time. Yeah. David Yancey, when you're, uh, when your kids or spouse
01:08:39.860
have pushed all of your buttons and you try to separate yourself from them, but they keep pushing,
01:08:45.320
how do you retain your composure? You might need to physically remove yourself.
01:08:51.040
No, honestly, like you might, I mean, you might be so infuriated or pissed off or whatever
01:08:57.060
that you just need to, Hey, hon. And I do this with archery. A lot of times, like, hon, I'm just,
01:09:03.360
I got to go out and shoot my bow. Um, you know, keep, would you just keep the kids in here for half an
01:09:08.060
hour or whatever? And she's like, Oh yeah, she gets that. She understands that. Cause I'm,
01:09:10.920
I communicate that with her. Right. Yeah. And being able to have a hobby and an outlet
01:09:15.300
and an activity that engages me that way, um, allows me not to even get to that point as often
01:09:20.920
because I've filled up my tank. Right. The other thing I would say is be careful on how you stack
01:09:29.000
your, your, uh, your day. If your day is back to back to back to back to back appointment,
01:09:34.780
this meeting and that, and that, and like, you have no space for margin. You're going to lose your
01:09:39.060
patience very, very quickly. At least that's been my experience. The more margin I have in my life
01:09:44.580
to decompress, like I've got a meeting here in the next seven minutes, that's not enough time for me
01:09:49.900
to decompress. Ideally I would have set it up so that I was, you and I finished. And then I had a
01:09:56.560
half an hour to decompress. Think about what we talked about, transition into my next meeting in
01:10:01.640
the mindset for that. And I've noticed that I get more stressed out and impatient when I don't give
01:10:08.140
myself space, margin, and time to switch between activities and meetings and things like that.
01:10:15.680
Copy. Well, let's, let's wrap up with Paul's question here. It's a quick one. I think,
01:10:19.580
um, Paul simmered, who is your Holy Grail podcast guest?
01:10:25.720
Hmm. My Holy Grail pot. I usually keep a list. Let me, let me look here. I, I usually,
01:10:30.620
I have a list of people, um, Jordan Peterson, Jordan Peterson's on the list. Um, Steve Rinella
01:10:38.460
is on the list. Rich Froning is on the list. Um, Joe Rogan, of course is on the list. Ben Shapiro.
01:10:46.620
I do have Keanu Reeves on the list. Cause I think that would be sweet. Um, Joe Rogan,
01:10:53.420
Ben Shapiro, who has a new book out. I've reached out to his team multiple times. Can't get,
01:10:57.380
can't hear back from him. GSP. He's on the list right here. George St. Pierre is on the list.
01:11:04.040
Have I talked with you about this list or have you, are you spying on my list? I've just added
01:11:07.680
my own items to your list. Those, the couple that you've mentioned are already on this list.
01:11:12.640
Um, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Tim Ferriss. Mike Rowe. Mike Rowe's on there. JJ Watt,
01:11:19.580
I think would be a bad-ass interview. Um, you have a lot of Holy Grails.
01:11:27.380
I have a lot, man. Well, like if you don't have a plan, Tim Tebow is on the list as well.
01:11:33.340
Like if you don't have a plan, like how are you going to make this stuff work?
01:11:37.920
Totally. You know? So I mean, I'm not going to say that just having them listed is enough,
01:11:43.260
but it's the start. And it was funny because I knew that I was going to be asked this question
01:11:51.060
because I saw this question come up and I actually pulled this up. So I had it ready for you guys,
01:11:54.640
but I was going through and I actually deleted seven people off of this list that I had already
01:12:00.080
interviewed. Hell yeah. Which is cool. It's like, I mean, there's, there's research that shows even
01:12:05.660
just writing something down makes it much more likely to happen. So yeah, that's, that's who's,
01:12:10.160
that's who's on the list right now. That's awesome. Yeah, man. All right. So guys, AMA,
01:12:16.300
ask me anything. You can submit your questions to this episode of the podcast, uh, via the Facebook
01:12:22.640
group at facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Or if you're part of our exclusive brotherhood,
01:12:28.980
the iron council, uh, this is one of the perks of being in the IC and you can learn more about the
01:12:34.480
iron council at order of man.com slash iron council. You can connect with Mr. Mickler on
01:12:40.560
Twitter and Instagram at Ryan Mickler. That's R Y A N M I C H L E R. Uh, we do have just a quick
01:12:49.340
reminder, August 25th through September 1st is the origin main, uh, jujitsu immersion camp.
01:12:55.240
We're going to be out there for the full week. If you get signed up, use the following URL,
01:13:00.560
origin, main.com slash order camp. And that puts you onto the list to get hooked up with the order
01:13:07.960
of man rash guard. Um, and kind of to be honest with you, so we can connect to, I'm assuming Ryan,
01:13:14.260
we could pull from that list and, and make sure that we're connecting with all the guys. That's,
01:13:17.840
that's part of the order. And that's coming out to Maine, uh, during that event.
01:13:22.340
Yeah. Yeah, that's absolutely right. And we want to connect with you. So if you are coming out there,
01:13:26.260
we want to make sure you were connected that way and letting you know when we get in and being able
01:13:29.880
to do some stuff. Hopefully by then I'll be out there. And if I am out there, which we should be,
01:13:35.860
um, then we'll probably do a dinner or something like an order, man, dinner the night before or
01:13:39.780
something like that. And, uh, and have some guys out to my place. Cool. And for you guys that want to
01:13:44.260
represent the order with some swag, uh, check out store.orderofman.com for your shirts, hats,
01:13:52.080
flags, decals, and more, um, Hoyt giveaway. Are we up or we still have a little open window?
01:13:58.580
No, we have a little bit of window. Um, you got to get it done by Sunday, this Sunday,
01:14:03.040
the 31st. If you go to order of man.com slash Hoyt, H O Y T, you can, uh, enter the giveaway for
01:14:08.840
the brand new Hoyt helix, which we're giving away on April 1st. And I've had some people say,
01:14:13.480
is this an April fool's joke? It is not an April fool's joke. We are legitimately giving away
01:14:19.260
a Hoyt bow. Maybe, I don't know, maybe Hoyt's pulling a joke on me. I don't know, but they said
01:14:23.700
they're giving us a bow. So it's a painting of a Hoyt helix or like a little, like a little
01:14:28.860
figurine of one or something. Yeah. It's a toy. So order of man.com slash Hoyt. I think that's all we
01:14:35.260
have going on right now. I'm, uh, scaled back on events and things like that for the next little
01:14:40.520
bit while we get out to our new property. So that's where things are at, man. Cool.
01:14:45.460
I think it's a wrap. All right. All right, guys. Appreciate you. Glad to be on this journey with
01:14:49.540
you. Need more men in this fight. If you would, please do me a favor. All right, just go do me a
01:14:54.420
favor. It's going to take you two minutes. Go leave us a rating and review. Let us know how wonderful
01:14:59.780
I am as your host and how where Kip needs to improve as the co-host. And, uh, no, let us
01:15:07.260
know what you think about the show guys, those ratings and reviews that go really, really long
01:15:10.900
way. And the more men that are in this fight, the more relevant this battle becomes, the more
01:15:16.160
relevant this movement becomes, which ultimately allows us to serve you better because we can get
01:15:21.140
some of these people on the podcast that we've got on our, on our target list. And man, we're just
01:15:26.680
going to be able to put a lot more resources out there. So I'd ask that you do your part
01:15:30.120
by sharing, leaving a rating review and helping us grow this movement like you have. So that's
01:15:34.300
it guys. Uh, until Tuesday. Yes. Tuesday. I think we've got Elliot Hulse. I believe it
01:15:39.620
is Elliot Hulse on Tuesday show. You guys will love that one. Very, very interesting, very
01:15:43.780
fascinating, cover a lot of topics we haven't talked about in the past. Um, so make sure you
01:15:47.600
subscribe as well. So until then go out guys and take action and become the man you are meant
01:15:52.400
to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take
01:15:56.640
charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join