Order of Man - Developing Self-Accountability, the Need for Moral Sacrifice, and Broaching Difficult Conversations with Kids ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.000 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.440 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.680 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.900 Mr. Kip Sorensen. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hold on. Let me back up.

00:00:28.260 Mr. Black Belt Kip Sorensen. Sorry, master. Sorry, professor. 0.99

00:00:34.620 I need to make sure that I address this correctly. Look, man, I'm teasing, but I'm proud, dude.

00:00:39.980 I'm really glad for you. I know we spent all of last week training, and I hurt your knee, and I felt really bad about that.

00:00:49.140 I was nervous. I was nervous on Saturday, but it was fine. It was totally fine.

00:00:53.520 I was probably more nervous than I should have been.

00:00:55.820 But when I saw, I think I saw on your Instagram stories that you had been promoted and awarded your black belt,

00:01:04.000 and I just felt like a deep sense of satisfaction and just genuine excitement for you,

00:01:12.940 because I know how much this journey has meant to you, man. I'm just really excited for you.

00:01:18.120 Awesome, man. I appreciate it.

00:01:19.660 And it's, I was, at one point, probably this week, I wanted to put my thoughts around it,

00:01:26.020 because it was kind of interesting. I tested with eight other people, and this is what's crazy.

00:01:33.460 At the school on Saturday, we have 24 black belts. That's not all of them. And it's just nuts that we

00:01:39.380 have that many black belts in a school.

00:01:41.680 Right.

00:01:41.800 How many students do you guys think you have, like, total?

00:01:45.340 Oh, probably 300 plus.

00:01:49.220 Okay. So, you've got a lot of students.

00:01:51.120 Yeah.

00:01:51.240 But you're talking about almost 10% of them being black belts, which is pretty crazy. 1.00

00:01:55.860 Yeah. Yeah. So, it's just nuts. But nonetheless, I was thinking, you know, we have all these

00:02:03.140 spectators, and as each person gets up and they're having that belt tied around the waist, you know,

00:02:08.380 there's, like, tears being shed, right? Even from the guys, you know, just such an emotional thing.

00:02:14.240 And I wonder, like, do the spectators comprehend some of these people? Some of them do, because

00:02:20.140 they're spouses, and they've seen their spouse, like, drudge through this. But those that aren't

00:02:24.620 are kind of like, oh, man, they're kind of emotional. It's like, I don't, I think the common

00:02:29.420 individual has no idea. And it's not like, oh, you know, it's not time. That's not actually,

00:02:37.920 that's, like, the least part of it. You know, it's like, hey, if I add up all the hours, that's a lot

00:02:42.380 of time. That in itself is kind of like, hey, that's an accomplishment. But it's the mental wars

00:02:50.520 and battles on the mat over and over with individuals that really drives that emotion

00:02:58.160 of, like, what it means to have that belt tied around your neck. Well, actually, I got it tied

00:03:04.220 around my neck, too, because I got choked out by everybody afterwards.

00:03:06.960 I was going to say, that isn't probably too far off from reality.

00:03:10.800 No, no, no. But what I meant was, like, you know, it's an emotional because of the war,

00:03:16.040 the mental war and physical wars on the mats that had to occur so many times, the internal battle of

00:03:22.920 humility and pride and fighting fear and anger and just all those things. I mean, that's really

00:03:29.600 the accomplishment. And so, it's, yeah, it's a little surreal for sure.

00:03:35.440 Yeah. Well, I'm excited for you, man. I was thinking about it. I was nervous about it. And

00:03:40.260 then I shot you a message. I'm like, so how did it go? You know, because I wanted to hear. And

00:03:43.720 man, it's just so cool. It's just really cool.

00:03:46.720 So, you said something interesting about the lessons of humility and the mental war and the

00:03:53.700 battle that you have to go through. I remember last week, I was training with somebody. I can't

00:03:57.000 remember right offhand. And we were doing no-gi, which I don't train a lot of no-gi. I mean,

00:04:02.780 maybe 5% of my training is no-gi. Maybe the rest is gi. And this guy just absolutely demolished me,

00:04:11.920 like embarrassed me. And it was open, Matt. And he wasn't a jerk or anything. Like he was a good

00:04:18.880 training partner. You know, he's just doing his work, right? He was trying to get better. I was

00:04:21.840 trying to get better. So, there wasn't any sort of ill will or anything like that. And that's what

00:04:25.580 a lot of people don't understand. But it was the evening session. So, we got done at what? 930,

00:04:31.300 10 o'clock with that evening session. And I was at the chow hall afterwards because we had some snacks

00:04:35.640 and stuff. And I was just so demoralized. But Echo said something very interesting. Were you there

00:04:43.180 when Echo said, and I'm paraphrasing here, he said, you know, if you get done with jujitsu and

00:04:49.200 you're driving home and you know, you had a bad training session, if you're thinking to yourself,

00:04:53.800 I never want to go back, that's probably a pretty good indicator that maybe you don't really love it

00:04:58.880 as much as you should. And then he said, but alternatively, if you are driving home after that,

00:05:05.640 bad training session, and you've had way more than I probably have at this point, right?

00:05:11.020 And you think, and you're not deflated. You think to yourself, I want to go back to like get better

00:05:15.800 so I can do better, so I can perform better next time. That's an indicator that maybe this is

00:05:22.980 something for you. And I felt the same way in that. I was like, I wasn't, I was, I was upset

00:05:28.820 at my performance, but I was, I wasn't demoralized. I was like, I need to get better so that I,

00:05:37.680 and I just wanted to go back and train that night. And I think that's the, that's the mindset that

00:05:43.100 separates winners and losers, not just in jujitsu, but in life, you know, we all get kicked in the

00:05:48.040 balls from time to time, literally and figuratively. And I think we have to ask ourselves is, is getting

00:05:54.400 that kick in the pants? Is it demoralizing to the point where you don't want to drive forward

00:05:58.500 anymore? Or is the mentality more, I never want that to happen again. So here's what I'm going to

00:06:04.660 do to ensure that's the case. And I think the latter is the, the winner's mindset versus the

00:06:09.440 victim mindset. For sure. For sure. And, and you, you mentioned something that I thought was

00:06:15.000 interesting. Will was there filming for the black belt test? Super excited actually. Oh, that's right.

00:06:20.100 With what he puts together. But we'll afterwards, they're like, you know, it was really interesting.

00:06:24.940 He's like, cause we had open mat right after the belt test. And he's like, it was really interesting

00:06:29.940 cause I'm watching these guys film and I'm just like, where I'm filming these guys and they're just

00:06:34.820 after each other. Yeah. And if I was just watching, I'm thinking there's anger, there's animosity that

00:06:42.200 like they're trying to hurt each other. Right. Cause these guys are so just getting after it. And then

00:06:46.940 after they're done, they're like, Oh man, that was great. And they're all kind to each other.

00:06:50.960 He's like, it's so interesting, you know? Right. Um, but that's, you know, that's, that's the

00:06:57.020 mindset, right? It's like battle. And then after the battle's over, it's like, good job. Yeah.

00:07:01.420 Totally. Great. Yeah. And did you see that post that I had made a couple of days ago? Uh, because

00:07:07.200 I had the opportunity to roll with Ricardo Laborio. Yeah. And I, I, I watched it. Yeah. Holy cow.

00:07:13.760 Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you and other people are watching it with like a critical eye of like,

00:07:18.740 Oh, he could have done this. And he could have done that. Not like judging me. I don't take it

00:07:21.940 that way, but just like working through it themselves. And I, and I've watched it probably

00:07:26.360 two dozen times at this point, like, Oh, I missed that. Or I did this or, Oh, he grabbed my leg there.

00:07:30.200 And that's why I couldn't roll or whatever. Right. Yeah. And I, and I wrote in here 10 or 11 lessons

00:07:35.480 that I learned. Uh, and one of them, this is number six. If you guys want to see this list,

00:07:41.120 go to Instagram and my handles at Ryan Michler, but number six is here's one of the lessons.

00:07:47.140 Find good. And this ties into what you were saying with, we'll find good training partners

00:07:51.660 in jujitsu and in life. They'll apply the proper amount of pressure to test you,

00:07:56.840 but afford you some grace along the path. Yeah. And I could see that in your train with him.

00:08:03.620 Oh, totally. It was like, okay, I'm going to let Ryan play here.

00:08:06.820 Work what he does work a little bit. Yeah. Right. Work a little bit. And then I'll,

00:08:10.200 and then I'll progress right. Based on his reaction. Yeah. Yeah. And I, and I think this

00:08:15.200 goes to what Will was saying with you for your testing is as a spectator, it would be hard to

00:08:22.740 see these lessons in it because you see violence or aggression or dominance or anger or whatever

00:08:27.460 you interpret it to be, but it's really not, it's, it's really a healthy level of cooperation.

00:08:34.340 You know, we, we cooperate, we work together, even if we're going through techniques, it's like,

00:08:39.180 okay, I'm going to let you twist on my ankle, or I'm going to let you try to wrap my neck up. 1.00

00:08:43.260 And I'm going to let, I'm actually going to let you do it. I'm going to put a little resistance.

00:08:46.860 So you feel what the resistance is like, but I'm going to let you apply this pressure

00:08:50.900 because, well, there's a level of trust here, right? I trust, I trust you that you won't

00:08:58.260 be unnecessarily aggressive and you have to trust me that I'm going to allow you to do it,

00:09:05.000 but tap when I need to and stuff. So that mutual level of trust is such a big component of this.

00:09:09.900 And again, guys, we talk about jujitsu all the time, but, but fill it in with whatever I don't

00:09:17.000 fill it in with family or accountability partner or work or whatever lens you're viewing it through.

00:09:22.280 You guys know what we're saying. It jujitsu isn't about jujitsu. It's about everything.

00:09:27.340 It's about the 99.9% of what is in jujitsu in life. Yeah. And it was fun to see other order,

00:09:34.160 man, guys, a few guys from the iron council there, you know, I think we heard from a couple of guys

00:09:39.060 saying, Hey, I started this path because listen to the podcast, you know? So that was cool. That's

00:09:44.160 awesome. Yeah. So yeah, it was good, man. Like I said, I'm, I'm, I'm excited for you. Um, I just,

00:09:52.120 I don't know what to say. I just think it's awesome. I know it's been a long time coming and I know

00:09:55.680 you've been really diligent in your training over the past decade plus at this point. Um,

00:10:01.580 and it's awesome to see. Yeah. It's what I told the guys the other day. The only thing that's

00:10:06.720 changed is now I have a, a darker, more visible target around my waist. That's for sure. That's

00:10:13.340 all that's changed for my teammates. They're like, Oh, Oh, okay. Yeah. This is going to be even more

00:10:17.980 sweet. There's nothing that changes. I was talking with somebody about this. Cause I think he was at a

00:10:25.100 a new black belt and there really isn't even in your technique, there isn't anything that changes

00:10:30.960 from August 29th to August 30th. Yeah. No, there's nothing like some miraculous thing where all of a

00:10:37.200 sudden pressure an hour later, pressure is all right. Right. So that's pretty cool. All right,

00:10:43.360 brother. Well, let's get to these questions today. Uh, I think we've got some good ones left over from

00:10:47.780 the questions that we solicited when you were wearing your little cute little singlet that you had on last

00:10:53.680 week. Cycling shorts or whatever they call it. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's like an, you know,

00:11:00.000 that's like the, the PC way to say it, but I don't know if you guys have, have a different thought in

00:11:04.320 mind to check that out or to, uh, where we're filled in these questions actually is from Ryan's

00:11:09.360 Instagram. That's at Ryan Mickler. If you want to connect with him there. So that's right. Yep.

00:11:14.240 All right. Robin Nishali. This, this is the best part about Instagram is just the names. I have no

00:11:20.600 idea if I'm pronouncing them right. Cause I'm not even sure what the name is. So it's perfect.

00:11:23.960 All right. Do you address topics such as, uh, transgenderism, feminism, et cetera,

00:11:30.280 with your children? And if so, how? So the first part of the, the, the answer to the first question

00:11:38.220 is yes, of course, those are actually the conversations that are more important than

00:11:43.140 anything else, because those are serious conversations that actually need to take place.

00:11:46.900 Yeah. So what was it? Transgenderism, gender, feminism, et cetera, sex, drugs, pornography,

00:11:56.360 anything like difficult. Yeah. Anything that you don't want to talk about are the things that you

00:12:00.640 should be talking about. So a hundred percent we're having these conversations and how do I have it? I

00:12:07.000 usually lead off with questions. This is the best way to have a conversation with people

00:12:10.900 lead off with questions. And I, and I figured this out because I'm a professional podcaster. So

00:12:16.380 learning to ask better questions is an important skillset that I've needed to develop. But I also

00:12:21.600 know this is important as, uh, a natural introvert. And I don't like putting that label on it necessarily

00:12:27.860 because if I say, well, I'm an introvert, then am I, it's like you accepting a label being that.

00:12:34.300 Yeah. Right. Exactly. But I am because, and I know that here's how I know I'm an introvert

00:12:38.840 because I get drained when I'm in social environments, mentally drained. And I don't

00:12:47.420 ever feel the need to be around a bunch of people. Like I can be quiet. I can sit there in a room by

00:12:52.600 myself. I can go for a swim in the lake. I can work on my canoe. I can do anything by myself.

00:12:57.680 And it doesn't bother me at all. I'm not like, Oh, I wish there was people around. I wish I had

00:13:01.980 somebody to talk to. I'm not like that at all. But when I, when I'm out in public and I'm talking

00:13:07.500 with people and having conversations, I'm engaged and I like having those conversations, but I leave

00:13:12.920 those conversations exhausted. It's, it's kind of a weird thing for people who don't understand that.

00:13:19.060 Um, like we had bonfires, you know, at, at immersion camp and guys are like, yeah, I'm

00:13:23.980 going to stay out there till one. And I'm like, Oh, that sounds exhausting. Not just because it's

00:13:29.080 1am, but because you have to talk. So, all right. To wrap this back into this,

00:13:34.140 asking questions is it's the best way to have conversations with people because you get to

00:13:42.620 know where they're coming from and you get to know what they understand and you, and you get a glimpse

00:13:46.760 into their perception and their reality and their experience of things. And children are no

00:13:51.160 different. You know, if you want to talk with your children about transgenderism, I think the most 0.99

00:13:56.480 appropriate Avenue would be to say, tell me what, you know, tell me what you think, tell me what you've

00:14:03.280 heard and asking solid questions will then allow you to formulate the proper dialogue with your

00:14:11.640 children. Because what I'm going to talk with, uh, with about transgenderism, for example,

00:14:16.640 with my eight-year-old is going to be different than what I'm going to talk about with my 13 year

00:14:20.140 old. But unless I know where they're coming from and their mentality and what they've heard or what

00:14:24.220 they learned or what they see or what they feel, it's going to be hard for me to formulate an

00:14:28.500 appropriate response to those, to those questions and those curiosities. But yeah, absolutely. I talked

00:14:33.700 to it, uh, talk about it. Now, if you're asking how I tell my children, what I think is wrong and

00:14:39.520 what I think is right. What is virtuous living? What is not virtuous living? What is going to serve you

00:14:44.460 well? And what is not going to serve you well? So I don't pull punches just because society told me

00:14:50.440 that we have to be accepting of these, all these sorts of weird, different twisted things. Like

00:14:55.680 I'm going to talk to my children about that, but I'm going to do it with a level of empathy

00:14:58.820 and try to understand where is it that they're coming from? What do they understand about it?

00:15:04.260 And then what lessons do they need to learn? That is my job as a father to be able to communicate

00:15:09.580 effectively. So that's my broad general answer. I don't know if they're asking me about the

00:15:14.400 specifics of what I think about transgenderism and feminism. I have my thoughts about that.

00:15:18.740 And I've been very vocal about those things throughout the years. So, so yeah, that's my

00:15:23.960 general answer. Ryan, I'd assume that you would also recommend that this isn't a, well, it's been

00:15:30.460 six months. Let's sit down and have this formalized meeting and, and my, and cause our kids to like

00:15:37.160 be all paranoid and make it a big deal that like, take advantage of these conversations,

00:15:42.360 these opportunities on a regular basis while they're playing, when things come up, like,

00:15:47.880 which obviously requires us to be around our kids quite a bit, um, as well, but you know what I mean?

00:15:53.380 Don't, don't think that like, Oh, it's been a year. Let me like have this family meeting.

00:15:58.640 And then we're not going to talk about it anymore for another 12 months. Right? Like this,

00:16:03.360 these are things opportunities will present themselves at the weirdest time. And it might

00:16:08.240 be during a commercial on TV. It might be coming home from school and saying, Hey, I don't understand

00:16:13.940 this. And, and that in the moment, in the moment, training and guidance and direction I would

00:16:19.820 recommend is, is probably critical. Yeah. A hundred percent. I mean, my oldest son, um, had an activity

00:16:27.860 the last couple of days and he saw this girl that he was attracted to, you know, she was cute or 0.98

00:16:31.480 whatever. And so I asked him about it, not because I don't, I don't tease my kids about things that I

00:16:36.180 think are healthy for them. Like I don't tease my boys about girls and I don't tease my girl about

00:16:40.040 boys because yeah. Cause you don't want to have a negative connotation. That's yeah. Why would I do

00:16:44.340 that? Why would I mock them about that? And we don't let each other mock each other about that.

00:16:49.000 Um, so my oldest was telling me she was cute and stuff. And I had like, Ooh, you have a girlfriend?

00:16:53.500 No, none of that. I'm like, Oh, that's cool. Like, did you talk to her? What, like,

00:16:57.320 how did it go? Like that little moments in time, just little, like seemingly insignificant moments

00:17:03.760 that might bring up a conversation that is hard and awkward. And at times uncomfortable,

00:17:09.660 but very healthy for your child. And for you to be able to have the conversations in the moment.

00:17:16.220 Sometimes I think about it when it comes to like training, training an animal. And I think I've used

00:17:21.940 this analogy before. If let's say you have a new puppy and the puppy pees on the carpet,

00:17:27.700 do you wait to scold the puppy or discipline the puppy? Do you wait 48 hours? And then 48 hours later,

00:17:36.060 you go and like kick it in the ribs or something. Cause you're mad that it was peed on the carpet.

00:17:40.000 No, of course not. Cause it's not going to be able to link up what it did with the level of

00:17:45.280 discipline or how you responded and reacted. And I'm not telling you to go kick dogs in the ribs,

00:17:48.820 by the way. Okay. Let's be clear on that. I was totally going to cover you on that one.

00:17:56.620 You wouldn't do that or maybe you would, but it's inappropriate. So you need to discipline in

00:18:03.280 the moment. So if I had a puppy, what I would do is I would be harsh and stern with it. And I would

00:18:08.340 pick it up and I would go put it outside or, you know, put it in the corner where you have it pee on

00:18:13.840 the pee pad or whatever, whatever, however you're training your dog, right? That's what I would do.

00:18:18.700 In the moment. So it understands it starts formulating those connections. Well, children

00:18:23.660 are the same way. If they're, if they have experiences or things or moments that are good

00:18:28.520 learning opportunities, and you wait a week to have the conversation, I think the kids are going

00:18:32.480 to be like, what in the world are you? I don't get it. What are you talking about? They don't even

00:18:35.420 remember what they had for breakfast, let alone some, some seemingly insignificant conversation or

00:18:40.760 experience they had last week. So make sure that you have enough margin in your life to be able to

00:18:45.960 have the conversations in the moment, because if you're always so busy with other things work and

00:18:50.960 your own aspirations, then there's no margin to be able to say, Hey, so you, you, you got a girl's 0.88

00:18:57.220 number. Like, that's cool. Like you're going to call her. Like, what are you going to do? You know?

00:19:01.120 So, because you don't have the margin to do it, but you have to have the margin to be able to have

00:19:04.640 these meaningful conversations with your kids. Copy. All right. David's BJJ. I know I perform my

00:19:12.620 best when I have a rigid schedule to adhere to, because it forces me to get my work done on a time

00:19:18.820 around fixed events. I struggled to implement discipline on my own regarding blocks of time

00:19:24.160 to sit down and focus on getting work done. Being self-employed is definitely a double-edged sword.

00:19:29.460 How have you found success, success with creating your own schedule and sticking to it when you are

00:19:35.600 the only person holding yourself to it? I do the same thing. Like just because I'm holding myself

00:19:43.360 accountable doesn't mean I need to have a different schedule than if somebody else was going to hold

00:19:46.980 me accountable. Right? Like I don't, you're a grown man. I don't, Kip, I don't need you to tell me

00:19:54.300 when to show up and how to show up and what time I need to get out of bed. Like if I do,

00:19:58.000 then I'm not actually being a man and being a boy, I'm consuming resources, right? We've talked

00:20:02.920 about that in the past consume versus produce. If I need you to reach out to me and say, Hey,

00:20:08.560 Ryan, it's time for you to get out of bed. And Ryan, you have to do this thing and that thing,

00:20:11.900 then I'm just consuming your resources for things that I should be able to handle on my own.

00:20:18.040 So yeah, I'm, I don't, I don't need somebody else to tell me what to do. And if you, and if you

00:20:24.140 feel like you need somebody else to tell you what to do, then there's some deficiencies here.

00:20:29.280 One is just a lack of self-worth. So I should say self-respect.

00:20:36.940 Do you have any self-respect? And if you do, then you would treat yourself in a respectful way.

00:20:41.820 In a respectful way means you care about it enough that you're going to plan and you're going to

00:20:45.280 organize and you're going to create systems and have processes in place that will allow you to

00:20:50.480 accomplish what it is you're after. Or I don't know, do you like being babysat? Like, how does

00:20:55.800 that feel? That wouldn't feel good to me that I would need somebody else hanging over my shoulder,

00:21:02.240 telling me what to do at any given moment. So the answer is the mental shift of, am I a man or am I

00:21:08.920 a boy? And if you're a man, then what men do is they create the systems and the processes and

00:21:14.640 procedures that are required to achieve a desired result. So what is your desired result? Well,

00:21:22.200 I want to excel at work. Great. What needs to be done? What time do you need to wake up? How much

00:21:27.840 time do you need to invest? Or I want to become more physically fit. Great. Worthy goal. How much

00:21:33.320 time in the gym? What do you need to do? How do you need to train? I'm not saying you can't get help.

00:21:38.340 You should hire a trainer maybe. Maybe that's part of your program. But that person shouldn't hold you

00:21:43.080 accountable to things you should be self-accountable to. And that comes with the mindset of being a

00:21:48.140 man, not a perpetual little boy that so many in society are. Yeah, totally. And one thing that

00:21:54.040 we talk about in the Iron Council, or at least I bring up with new battle team leaders is we have

00:22:00.420 a tendency sometimes to look at accountability as, well, if we have a culture of accountability,

00:22:06.240 that means Ryan harasses me when I don't do something. And what it should be, a good culture

00:22:15.120 of accountability is me being committed to a desired outcome so I'm self-directed. And you're

00:22:23.780 there to support me in being self-directed and possibly remove blockers when necessary. But you

00:22:30.600 can't be, like, accountability is not you saying, hey, Kip, do burpees because you didn't do X.

00:22:36.960 That's not being self-directed. And what happens is Ryan goes on vacation, then what happens?

00:22:42.180 Right. I have no discipline because Ryan's not there to give me the social pressure to ensure

00:22:46.220 to doing something. And so I would focus, David, is like, why aren't you self-directed? Why aren't

00:22:51.280 you committed to the desired outcome? And maybe that why or your understanding of the impact of you

00:22:59.140 doing or not doing certain things is not strong enough. So you need to get clear on what that

00:23:04.260 impact is and figure out how do you get in a position where you're self-directed on accomplishing

00:23:12.140 your goals. Well, yes, you're 100% right on all of that. And I would also say and add to this is that

00:23:19.440 forget about the vacation thing. What makes you think I have the time or desire to hold you

00:23:26.460 accountable to getting out of bed on time or to do your pushups or your exercise? I don't care about

00:23:30.920 that. Like I've got my own stuff. I've got a billion other things I need to be doing. And so if I need

00:23:35.880 to send you a message to get out of bed at 6 a.m., set your damn alarm. You don't need me to do that 0.60

00:23:41.200 for you. Right. So like have some self-respect. And again, that's not to say that you can't get help

00:23:48.340 where it's needed. Well, here's a great example, very small example. But Kip, you and I used to record

00:23:53.680 on Tuesday, right? But for this podcast, but Tuesdays didn't work for our editor because

00:23:59.820 you need more time to make sure you edit it and put it up properly and everything else. And so

00:24:03.560 I said, well, how about, you know, Monday at nine? You're like, well, I can't do that because of X,

00:24:07.340 Y, and Z. Okay. Well, there's some accountability. And I said, well, okay, well, time works for you.

00:24:11.460 What time works for me? And so we came up with a time that worked for both of us. And then we hold

00:24:16.380 each other accountable. I expect you to be here because that's what you agreed to. You expect me to be

00:24:21.540 here because that's what I agreed to. And then if we fall short and we have, you know, I've been late

00:24:26.580 or you've been late, then we tell each other like, Hey, let's make sure we start on time. And that's

00:24:31.600 a level of accountability that comes from somebody else. But also I respect myself enough. And guess

00:24:37.540 who else I respect enough? I respect you enough to show up on time as needed so that we can do what

00:24:44.240 we agreed upon. And that's how a man behaves and that's how he shows up. So be one.

00:24:48.600 There you go. All right. Double hall, Paul fellows. Thanks for the great podcast and all your efforts

00:24:55.440 to restore masculinity. Simple question. How do you maintain discipline in consistency when working

00:25:01.900 on self-improvement? I tend to hit a wall or succumb to fatigue after sustained efforts to improve

00:25:08.240 myself. What systems, tactics, and strategies have you used to reduce this tendency? Thanks again for

00:25:13.840 your efforts. So I think hitting a wall comes from one of two things. One is you just lack focus

00:25:21.840 because you've never seen anything through to the end. And so you're always distracted by the bright

00:25:27.040 and shiny object that that might be what's happening. Yeah. Like you're motivated and you're

00:25:31.120 killing it because it's exciting still. And then it's not exciting. And then we call that a wall

00:25:35.400 because it's no longer enjoyable or mentally difficult to maybe get through.

00:25:39.180 The luster wears off or you see a law of diminishing returns. Like if you take jujitsu,

00:25:44.680 for example, when you first start, you're going to see vast improvements almost immediately,

00:25:48.440 right? You're going to learn a couple of little techniques and strategies, and you're going to see

00:25:53.600 big leaps and bounds. But when you go and you can talk to this a little bit more than I can,

00:25:58.400 when you go from brown to black belt, the return or the increase is limited, right? It's smaller,

00:26:05.260 it's incremental. It's that law of diminishing return. Now, if you scale back and look at it

00:26:10.920 over 15 years, then of course it looks massive. But when you go from being a brown belt, I assume 1.00

00:26:16.180 to being a black belt, there's little things that you're picking up that aren't going to drastically

00:26:22.460 change your game overnight. Totally. Okay. So we have the law of diminishing return. And so what most of

00:26:29.300 us do is we're so focused on how we feel about things and how exciting they are and how entertained

00:26:36.300 we are. And, you know, if there's any sort of inconvenience, like we don't want to do it

00:26:42.860 because we've conditioned ourselves to always be entertained and feel good. And so what do we

00:26:51.960 gravitate towards? The things that feel good and the things that are entertaining. And if you have to sit

00:26:57.440 through a conference or you don't see the progress as quickly as you'd like, and it's a little boring

00:27:02.460 or a little mundane or monotonous, you're like, well, this isn't fun. Okay. But that isn't the

00:27:06.820 metric of success. Like, why did you start believing this, this idea that you're only on the right path

00:27:13.860 if it's fun and enjoyable? Like that's not true at all. Anything that I ever done worth anything

00:27:22.220 is not always fun and enjoyable. In many cases, it's just not enjoyable at all, but you do and

00:27:28.220 you trudge through it because it's important to you. So, so that might be the first reason is bright

00:27:34.540 and shiny object, lack of focus. The other reason is you might be burning yourself out. So when we get

00:27:42.480 all hot and upset and emotional and excited about things, we make rash decisions and we go overboard.

00:27:49.400 It reminds me of like Tim, the tool man, Taylor, right? He always like, and he always buys like

00:27:55.640 the biggest and best and baddest. And then it ends up going really poorly for him. Right. So here's an

00:28:03.740 interesting thing that my mom said to me and hesitate to say this, but it's very funny that she would say

00:28:10.380 this. When I got married, I'm really hesitant to share this. When I got married, she's, she's being a

00:28:18.140 great mom. I kind of feel bad that she had to be the one to say it, but she did. And she's doing her

00:28:22.160 job. When I got married, I think it must've been a day or two before she said something like, she's

00:28:27.980 like, Hey, can I, can I share something with you? And I said, yeah. And she's like, I can't remember

00:28:32.160 the verbage she used, but she said something to the effect of don't be a one pump chump. 0.99

00:28:37.420 And I was like, what mom, I can't. And she's like, I just, by the way, I've never even heard

00:28:45.200 that term until like a month ago. You got this. Oh, really? Like you got this like 10, 15 years

00:28:51.120 ago. Yeah. And I was like, with the times, I was like, mom, I don't want to hear this. And she's

00:28:57.880 like, I know. And I know you don't want to hear it. I don't want to tell you it, but like, it's

00:29:02.300 important for her too. And she's like trying to give me this advice, you know, and it's so

00:29:07.260 awkward and uncomfortable, but she was doing a good job as a, as, as a month. I wish I maybe had

00:29:13.220 a man in my life to kind of give me some of that advice, but I didn't. So she had to do what she had

00:29:16.980 to do. So I commend her for that. And that must've been very awkward for her to say that. Um, but the

00:29:22.660 reason I bring it up is because like, don't be that guy, like the one pump chump, you like blow your 1.00

00:29:28.620 wad on, on like one thing, because you're super excited about it. It's like, just slow

00:29:33.560 down for a second, like make it last. All right. So if you're into, we're going to go

00:29:38.860 back to jujitsu. If you're like, I want to do jujitsu, like you don't have to go seven

00:29:42.640 days a week, all day, every day, two days forever. Like, why don't you just go to a

00:29:47.340 class or two a week? Yeah. And, and just see, just like, see, it's okay. Like, just see

00:29:53.900 how it goes. And then maybe a year down the road, you're like, you know, I really like

00:29:57.100 this. Uh, I I'd like to pump up my training a little bit. I'm going to do three, three

00:30:00.680 nights a week. I'm going to do two nights and one morning. Yeah. Or same thing with

00:30:05.960 the gym or with running. You're like, I'm going to run a marathon. Well, you're okay.

00:30:09.780 But like, don't go run a marathon this morning, like run two miles this morning. And then next

00:30:15.740 week, maybe try to get a five miler in and the following week, try to get seven miles in

00:30:19.660 and, and make it last because the real measure and metric of success to me anyways, is

00:30:25.220 sustainability. Yeah. Cause I, anybody could be good at anything for 24 hours. Yeah. But

00:30:33.800 can you make it last? I go back to Ricardo Lavorio. He said he started training when he

00:30:38.480 was 16. He's 56. He's been training for 40 years. There are very few people in the world

00:30:43.680 who can be committed and disciplined at something for 40 years. That's why he's one of the best.

00:30:50.880 Yeah. Not because he was naturally talented or gifted or had this ability or this or that

00:30:55.100 because he's been doing it for 40 years consistently. Yes. So the metric and measure

00:31:01.580 of your success should be how long you last, not to be a little crude, how big it is when you go,

00:31:07.540 you know what I'm saying? Totally. And, and I think it's interesting to, to hear what you're saying

00:31:13.440 and then think how that relates to people in our lives and, and think what type of stability that

00:31:20.160 creates for a spouse and for your children. And you take those two scenarios and they're

00:31:26.240 drastically different, right? We all know the guy that's like, I'm running a marathon. I'm changing

00:31:31.160 my life. You know, next shiny object. And his wife's like, no trust in him. Yeah. Just another 0.94

00:31:38.560 exciting thing that he's pumped up on that will fade out and he'll move on to the next thing.

00:31:45.160 Unreliable is how that is perceived. Well, and Kip, there's a question we get all the time,

00:31:50.740 which is my wife doesn't believe in me or she doesn't support me. Yeah, man. Because you have

00:31:56.800 a track record of unreliability. So of course she doubts. Of course she questions. Of course she doesn't

00:32:03.220 believe you because everything that you've done proves to her that you aren't trustworthy.

00:32:09.400 So if you want to win her trust, you want to, or I should say earn, I think that's a better word.

00:32:14.620 You want to earn her trust. Then you have to be trustworthy over long and sustained periods of

00:32:19.360 time. Yeah. And it's funny too, because some guys listening right now might be thinking, well, yeah,

00:32:25.720 me working out for four weeks and then stop going to the gym. That doesn't have to do anything with my

00:32:31.000 wife, Ryan. So I could quit that and it's not a big deal. You know what I mean? Because I didn't

00:32:36.220 commit to her. I committed myself. Trust me guys. She's going to see that. She's going to see that

00:32:41.060 and go, oh yeah, he's, he can't stick to something. He's flaky. Yep. He's flaky. Whether she was

00:32:46.540 involved or not. And it's not only your wife, it's your kids, it's your colleagues, your coworkers,

00:32:51.960 people you're asking to follow you. Like they're going to see it. They're going to see all of that.

00:32:55.580 And all of those little micro decisions that you're making or not making are going to stack

00:33:00.840 up and add up. And that's what people are going to believe about you. And it's true. They're right.

00:33:04.980 Yeah. Ryan, I've heard you give this advice before, and I just want to confirm that you

00:33:10.220 would add it to this guy's question is sometimes you are burning yourself out and you, and you've,

00:33:17.580 you've talked about being creative or mixing things up or other things. Do you want to kind

00:33:22.740 of go into that a little bit? Yeah. I think that's a good point is if you are feeling burned out and

00:33:27.680 tired and just exhausted, then it might be time just to mix things up. And, and look,

00:33:33.320 I know there there's a real phenomenon and I can't remember what it's called. I was reading a book or

00:33:38.140 sound article or something that you, we have this, uh, I don't know what it's called. I'm going to use

00:33:42.940 this term like taste bud fatigue where, for example, don't ever guys, I'm telling you right now,

00:33:51.960 and don't even do it as a joke. Don't ever offer me a bologna sandwich because I will not eat a

00:33:58.220 bologna sandwich because guess what? My mom made me when I was little and I went to lunch and she

00:34:02.400 packed me lunch. It was a bologna and cheese sandwich every day, all day for my entire schooling.

00:34:09.500 I hate, I don't want, I don't want a bologna sandwich. Okay. Don't give that to me.

00:34:16.940 Taste bud fatigue, right? It's like you get, or, or you'll be eating, you know, a bowl of beans and

00:34:22.100 rice, for example. And you're like, I don't want to eat beans and rice. And somebody says, well,

00:34:25.440 we have, you know, steak and you're like, oh yeah, I have plenty of room for steak.

00:34:28.720 So is it that you were full or is it, was it just taste bud fatigue? And that, that's a real,

00:34:33.440 that's a real phenomenon, but it translates over into our lives as well, because we, we have

00:34:39.260 activity fatigue and we're not robots, right? Maybe Jocko is a little bit, but outside of

00:34:45.880 Jocko, we're not robots. You know, there's, there are people who are just so, and I'm not saying

00:34:51.500 that with any ill intent. Yeah. Right. And there's people who it works for. I'm not one of those guys.

00:34:56.880 Like I'm not going to wake up at four 30 every morning and do the exact same thing all day, every

00:35:01.540 day forever. That's not, I'm not like that. I'm not hardwired like that. So I need to mix it up.

00:35:09.260 And that's part of the reason that CrossFit when I was doing CrossFit more was really,

00:35:13.240 really good for me is because of that variety, right? There was enough variety and spice to it

00:35:17.940 that it wasn't always the same thing. And that goes to what you're saying, Kip, and the point you're

00:35:23.880 making is that you might just need to make it up, mix it up. So if you're really focused on the

00:35:30.180 fitness journey right now, and you've been doing strength training and that's your thing,

00:35:33.240 then, you know, maybe weave in a day of a cardio and, and, you know, just go for a run or

00:35:41.300 get a, get a paddle board and go paddle around the lake or go surfing or go to jujitsu or whatever,

00:35:46.160 like mix it up. You can still work towards your goal of being fit and healthy, but mix it up so

00:35:52.260 that you have some variety in your life that keeps you on the path that you want to be on.

00:35:56.900 Yeah. Cool. Same thing with dating your wife. Like if, if your idea of date night is date other

00:36:02.800 people, mix it up. Is that what you're saying? Exactly. We're joking. We better throw that

00:36:10.400 disclaimer on the front and back. Cause occasionally I'll have women who read this woman reached out

00:36:14.020 to me the other day and she said like, um, it was a comment on a Facebook post or Instagram post.

00:36:19.280 And she said, you know, like you really need to talk to men about what the importance of salvaging

00:36:24.420 their marriages. I'm like, that's all I talk about. It seems like that's the only thing I

00:36:29.220 talk. We ever said anything other than that ever. That's exactly what I said to her. And I guess

00:36:33.800 she's got her husband who is either she's misinterpreting it or he is misinterpreted

00:36:39.560 our message. And he's saying that, you know, he, he should leave or something. I didn't catch the

00:36:45.020 whole thing, but I'm like, that's all. I don't even know how I got on that tangent, but, um, yes,

00:36:48.660 but don't, yes, don't be dating other people. But if your idea of date night is to go to,

00:36:54.360 uh, Texas roadhouse and then go to a movie and then you can have the same sex that you

00:37:00.360 always have with your wife. Like at some point, like that's going to become not really all that

00:37:06.700 fun. So maybe there's something else you can do with her. Maybe you get a hotel for the evening

00:37:12.780 and you, you go on a little staycation and you have a great night that way, you know, mix.

00:37:19.020 All I'm saying is stay on the path, but mix it up so that it is still interesting and still engaging

00:37:27.380 and fun. Yeah. Well said. We're just going to leave it there. I feel like there's something

00:37:36.080 else you want to say to that. No, no, no. It was good. It was good. Okay. Good. All right. Mike, uh,

00:37:41.920 Joe Tatis. I'm 41 years old, newly divorced within the last six months, single dad with three kids,

00:37:49.360 ages eight, six, and four, two boys and a girl. What advice do you have for dating women and or

00:37:56.200 looking for the right partner? I appreciate all you guys do. Thanks in advance.

00:38:00.920 Does he say how recently divorced? I didn't catch it. If you did, uh, six months last pretty quick to

00:38:11.360 me. That seems to me personally, look, I've never been divorced. Maybe you can speak on this a little

00:38:17.460 bit, Kip, because I know you've gone through some of this, but, um, bro, that seems pretty quick.

00:38:22.400 Like six months. You're like, Oh, how do I date women? And how do I, for me from the outside looking

00:38:27.620 in, take this with a grain of salt. Cause I never been in this situation. I would be personally,

00:38:32.060 I would be hyper-focused on my children first and my own self-development second, and then just let

00:38:38.280 some of this stuff play out naturally. That that's kind of where, when I read that question or hear

00:38:42.960 that question, that's where my mind goes. But what do you think I would be curious? I, I entirely

00:38:49.560 degree. I think, um, and my focus was 100%. I don't want to do this again, man. I gotta, I gotta

00:38:59.080 evaluate why I got divorced. Um, and the role I played in that divorce and make sure I make sure

00:39:06.660 I show up and better the next time. And it wasn't about like, Oh, so let's start dating. So I show up

00:39:12.000 better. It was like, no, let's resolve. Cause let's be honest. We all know this. You know, you,

00:39:16.720 when you get married, you bring baggage, your baggage. And so I really felt like I gotta address

00:39:22.500 whatever that baggage is, get clear on my mind, get on a path, have some self-confidence, not reliant

00:39:28.760 on, you know, affirmations from a female for me to feel good about my value. And I got, I got to feel

00:39:36.560 amazing about myself, regardless of whether a girl's engaged or interested in me. So that was like

00:39:43.840 100%. And the other thing I'd say to this guy, hold on, I gotta say, I gotta say before you,

00:39:48.780 cause I want you to go into that, that bit of advice I didn't think about, but I think guys,

00:39:54.520 if you, if you're divorced or you're separating, I think what you just said is something you really,

00:40:00.100 really need to wrap your head around, which is not seeking validation about your worth from a woman.

00:40:07.220 You said that and you said it kind of quickly. Yeah. And I just want to reiterate and just drive that

00:40:12.300 home. You've been with a woman cause you've been married. And so you're probably deriving some sense

00:40:18.320 of worth from being a husband. So if you're no longer a husband, your worth may feel like it's

00:40:24.440 diminished. And you think that being with a woman is going to validate your worth and it just is not 1.00

00:40:30.240 going to validate your worth. So I just wanted to harp on that. Continue what you were sharing, Kip.

00:40:35.380 Yeah. And, and I would say the other thing is, you know, I was, I, in fact, at immersion,

00:40:39.800 I was talking with a fellow guy that we were training with, you know, during the week about

00:40:44.660 this concept of divorce and, and, and families and children and possibly becoming a single father.

00:40:51.580 And the reality of it is, is you have an uphill battle. Officially as of six months,

00:40:57.800 your impact on your children is going to be a hundred times more difficult.

00:41:03.540 Mm-hmm. So you better be a hundred times better than you were before. Good. So how are you going

00:41:11.300 to be the world's most amazing dad? So then that way you can have a positive impact on your kids'

00:41:17.260 life, despite the fact that they are now in a split home. Right. And, and figure that out too.

00:41:22.320 So I, those, those are the things that I would focus on. Um, and, and finding the quote unquote

00:41:30.860 right partner, that that's just going to show up. I think you take care of those other things

00:41:37.440 that will eventually work out, you know, and, and one thing, or the last thing I'll share before I

00:41:43.220 hand it over back over to you is I dated a number of girls, obviously, um, during my divorce.

00:41:50.680 And it was interesting how I kept getting cold feet, you know, I would be dating a girl and she

00:41:58.100 wanted to get more serious or whatever. And I was immediately like, I'm not ready for this. I think

00:42:03.500 something's wrong. You know what I mean? Like maybe I'm still damaged, you know what I mean? Or whatever.

00:42:07.980 And I, I really felt it was me. Ironically, then I met my wife and none of that was an issue.

00:42:17.080 Hmm. And I was like, Oh, it wasn't me. It was you.

00:42:20.680 I just wasn't dating the right woman. And, and once I met her, I was like, Oh yeah, I'm ready.

00:42:27.960 But it was interesting that I, I kept like, I second guessed myself constantly of like,

00:42:33.560 I'm not ready for this when reality I was actually, I would just, I don't think I

00:42:37.500 found the right person yet, you know? So that's interesting. Just keep dating. Yeah. It was kind

00:42:43.440 of not something I first saw. It was interesting once I met her.

00:42:46.960 So no, I think those are all really good. I wrote two things down here as you were talking

00:42:50.980 that I think would, again, I haven't been in this situation, but maybe, maybe because I haven't,

00:42:55.520 I can give you maybe a more of a clear thought on this as well is there's another thought here

00:43:00.160 that I wrote in that is to get rid of all expectations. So if you are going to date another

00:43:05.420 woman and you want to date, I kind of, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that.

00:43:08.740 Just make sure you're ready to, but if you are going to date is lower the expectations,

00:43:13.020 like maybe you just enjoy the company of being around another attractive woman and that's enough.

00:43:17.620 That's okay. Right. Like she doesn't have to be your wife. Yeah. And she doesn't even have to be 1.00

00:43:22.040 your girlfriend. Like she doesn't have to be this, like there isn't some label that you need to put

00:43:26.020 on your relationship. You just want to enjoy the company of a woman and you're going to see where 0.99

00:43:30.060 it goes. You're going to take it easy and take it in stride. And that's it. And that's,

00:43:34.320 I think that's good. I think that's healthy. The other thing I would say is, and guys are going

00:43:39.040 to say, well, I'm being a prude is don't go out and have a bunch of sex with women.

00:43:43.240 Like don't, don't do that because I would actually liken that in most situations to go into the bottle

00:43:50.260 or getting involved in drugs. It's just a form of sedation. And you think that you're going to feel

00:43:56.660 better because you're going to get off with an attractive woman. And I don't think at least in the 1.00

00:44:01.340 experience I've seen with other men, that is going to be the case. I don't think that's going to

00:44:04.920 happen. I think you're going to feel shittier. I think it comes with an unintended and unwanted

00:44:10.820 consequences, like potentially STDs, unwanted pregnancy, which is a big one. I can't tell you

00:44:17.060 how many guys in the Facebook group are like, I've been dating this girl for three years. And now we

00:44:20.860 have a kid together and we hate each other. Well, bro, you had a kid together. What the hell?

00:44:24.640 What do you expect? Yeah. That's what happens when you put your penis in someone it's, 0.97

00:44:29.140 and it's sad that you need to say that. Right. Okay. So, and then, and then there's the emotional

00:44:35.040 attachment. Like, I think we have a responsibility to honor the women that we're with too, you know,

00:44:42.180 and if you're going to, if you're going to have sex with another woman, she might be thinking it's

00:44:46.700 more than what you, in fact, she probably is in most cases, because this is just the dichotomy 0.97

00:44:52.080 between sexes. And all of a sudden you're, you know, maybe leading her on to thinking that this is

00:44:58.180 more than it actually is. So just be very, very careful with what you do sexually when you're in

00:45:06.900 this, this situation, because you're in a vulnerable spot right now. And you could do one of two things.

00:45:12.000 Generally, you could make it better by shoring up your vulnerabilities, which is what we were talking

00:45:15.800 about earlier, working on yourself and fixing yourself, or you can compound your vulnerability

00:45:21.920 by doing things you shouldn't be doing and making it worse than it needs to be. So that's my two

00:45:28.780 cents. Yeah. I like it. All right. Garrett Silvers 18. How does one battle moral beliefs versus work

00:45:37.620 mandates military requiring the vaccine here soon, possibly on the 15th of September, you talk about

00:45:45.620 leaving a business if you have moral conflicts, but what if the business is the military? Thank you for

00:45:50.720 all you guys do. It's, but what, like, that's not different. Yeah. You have an employer. The U S

00:45:57.720 government is your employer. That's the business. And the business of military is a business. Let's not

00:46:03.740 make any qualms. But you give up your rights as a year to mean. So that does change things for you.

00:46:09.740 I mean, doesn't it, do you have compared to a business? Yeah. You leave. Yeah.

00:46:14.820 Like it doesn't change anything. Now, granted, if you're in a contract, you know, you're still,

00:46:21.240 okay, well, you know, that's the contract you signed and you made, you know, but, but there's,

00:46:26.440 there's, yeah, you'd leave. Like I already addressed this issue and it doesn't change because

00:46:31.320 it's the military. And it also, it doesn't change because you really feel good about your work. Like

00:46:35.940 that's one of the hard choices of life. You might really enjoy your work. You might really enjoy

00:46:41.440 your company. You might really like doing that. There, there might be something that's deeply

00:46:45.660 gratifying and satisfying. Okay. Well, you need to make your decision. Then I'm not telling you,

00:46:51.260 this is an easy decision. You know, if, if you have your moral morality in check that everything's

00:46:56.560 going to be easy. No, I'm actually, it's going to be harder. It's harder to live by your moral code

00:47:02.240 than it is just to waffle to and fro based on what an employer demands of you government or

00:47:07.660 otherwise. So I did a podcast two weeks ago. I think it was called inoculating yourself against

00:47:14.900 employer mandates. It was a Friday field notes, two or three weeks ago, go back and listen to that

00:47:19.900 in the context of your unique situation. And everything I talked about applies, whether you're

00:47:25.880 a military member or a civilian contractor or a civilian working with a civilian or private

00:47:31.860 company, it's all the same. So listen to yourself for a second, like, like really listen to what you

00:47:40.480 just said. What you're saying is, is it okay to justify or excuse me, sacrifice my morals to stay

00:47:49.880 employed by an organization? That's exactly what you said. You said it a little differently, but that's

00:47:55.600 exactly what you said. Is it okay to sacrifice my moral standard to stay employed by an organization?

00:48:04.980 I think, you know, the answer to that question. Yeah. That doesn't make it easier because you know,

00:48:09.780 the answer, the answer is the same regardless. Yeah. And just imagine if people didn't compromise

00:48:18.240 their morals and stayed in jobs. Yeah. Good point. I mean, that's our problem. That's our problem in

00:48:26.920 society. In my opinion, right now is we compromise morals for success, for our jobs, for, you know,

00:48:35.320 social acceptance and all these other things. This is at the root of social issues.

00:48:41.360 You're, you're, you're, you're a hundred percent, right. And regardless of whether you're thinking

00:48:47.360 about leaving your employer or not, uh, or there's things they're doing that go against your morals or

00:48:52.700 not go back and listen to that podcast and apply what I said, because you'll always be, always be in

00:49:02.500 a better position. If you heed that advice, whether or not you need to leave your employer or not,

00:49:07.620 you're going to be in a better position when you hold all of the cards. And what a lot of people

00:49:13.800 are doing is they're giving other organizations, the government people, their wives, their kids,

00:49:18.180 colleges, everything else. They're giving them all the cards and trusting that they're going to make

00:49:22.640 the best decisions. Some of them, they will. And that's good. You need to hold the cards.

00:49:28.700 You need to call the shots. And if you're in a situation where you can be compromised,

00:49:33.460 you're not holding the cards, but if you hold the cards, what that does, my stepfather used to say

00:49:39.360 this. He said, knowledge isn't power. Options is power. If you hold all of the cards, you have

00:49:45.740 options. You may choose to stay. You may choose to go. You may choose to start a new business.

00:49:50.500 You can choose whatever you want because you hold all the cards. That is the goal. Sovereignty. You got

00:49:57.260 a book over your left shoulder, Kip. Sovereignty is the goal. And then you have options. You could stay

00:50:02.540 with your current employer. And to that, I say, great. A lot of people, I think, misinterpret some

00:50:08.780 of these conversations we're having as like, men need to be entrepreneurs. No, that's not what I'm

00:50:12.700 telling you. You need to be sovereign. You need to be in control of your career and your fate and your

00:50:19.280 finances and your health. That might mean for a time it's working with another employer. And that's

00:50:24.960 great. I don't have any problem with that. I don't think less of what you work for somebody. I don't

00:50:29.620 think less of you because that's the case, but you're sovereign. You've made that choice,

00:50:35.100 not out of necessity, but because that's a choice that you want it to make.

00:50:39.420 Yeah. And I look at it as an agreement, just like I would look as an agreement if I was working

00:50:43.880 as a consultant for them. It's no different. It's a different form of an agreement,

00:50:48.780 different form of taxes or whatever, but it's no different.

00:50:51.680 You know? Yep. So you don't have sovereignty right now because you're asking this question.

00:51:00.340 If you had sovereignty, you wouldn't have to ask the question. You would have already moved along.

00:51:05.040 So what can you do to move yourself in the right direction?

00:51:08.860 Let's take a couple more. Okay. S. Buck Sumter, what are some good forms of discipline for children?

00:51:15.800 I have a very strong willed, good behaved and wild children, but I am having issues with

00:51:21.320 disciplining them. Any advice or perspective on this topic would be awesome. Thank you.

00:51:27.820 Yeah. So I've got one of those, um, book reference here. What's that? I said, I'm pulling up a book

00:51:35.300 reference. Okay. I was just saying, I've got one of those kids who, you know, is a good kid and wild

00:51:41.040 and rambunctious and rowdy and everything else. Um, that's my youngest. And, you know, discipline

00:51:47.040 is important, right? There's gotta be structure. There's gotta be wake up times. There's gotta be

00:51:51.080 bedtimes. There's gotta be consequences. There's gotta be chores and you gotta help out around the

00:51:55.660 house. All these things we already know. I don't, I would imagine you already know these things and

00:52:00.220 you're probably applying. Consistency of, of, of, uh, schedules and communication. Yep. Yep. Yep.

00:52:05.840 Yep. But there's one thing that I think we often overlook, especially with these

00:52:09.940 rambunctious kids of ours is that, um, it's actually not bad that they're energetic and it's

00:52:18.380 not bad that they're creative or they're unique or that they're wild or that they're full of,

00:52:23.820 you know, piss and vinegar. Like that's not bad. I used to think, Oh, I don't want a kid like that.

00:52:28.480 Cause that's bad. Like I want a well-behaved kid. But now that I have my youngest son, like he brings a

00:52:33.840 joy and excitement to my life that just wouldn't be in my life in any other way. It just wouldn't be

00:52:39.100 there, you know? And so it's not bad. So what I would suggest that maybe you haven't heard before

00:52:45.160 considered is that maybe you're not looking at it right. And instead you ought to be working on ways

00:52:50.180 to harness his energy, like harness it, like, like wield it as a tool, like a little ball of energy,

00:52:58.900 like maybe explore it. Maybe don't try to hamper it as much. Maybe don't try now. Look, he needs to be

00:53:05.340 respectful at church, right? Like he needs to sit down and be quiet for sure. And there's appropriate

00:53:09.980 times for that. But then there's an, also an appropriate time to just go on the trampoline

00:53:13.620 and just jump around with him or in the morning, wake up and, and roll around on some jujitsu mats

00:53:18.380 that you got, or, or to, you know, if he's like, like my kid, if he, if I left it to him, he would

00:53:24.160 just take a Sharpie marker and just paint all over the walls. So that's not acceptable, but painting is

00:53:29.280 acceptable canvas. So let's find a way where, Hey, here's the, these are your Sharpie markers.

00:53:35.580 These are yours. They're not mine. They're not mom's or not brother's sister. They're yours.

00:53:39.840 And here is where you're going to do it. And so draw and paint and sketch till your heart's content

00:53:46.840 in this environment. Right. Uh, but so often it's like, I'm going to spank him because he drew on the

00:53:53.400 wall. Well, instead just get him a canvas. Yeah. Right. Or, or, you know, he runs outside and he

00:54:00.260 always wants to be outside barefoot. Okay. Well, yeah, good. Cool. Like get some grass and some

00:54:04.760 fields and some forest and go out hiking. And when you get to the, the, the, the base of the hiking

00:54:09.520 trail, say, Hey, you know what? Let's take our shoes off today and let's just go run around.

00:54:13.400 Like harness it, embrace it in the appropriate environment. And I think you're going to have

00:54:20.400 less of a time dealing with issues. This is actually one of the problems I have with the,

00:54:25.340 the medical and especially therapy community. It's like, well, let's sedate him. Yeah. And he's

00:54:30.740 got ADHD. Does he though? Or is he just really excited about life? Yeah. I think that's one of the

00:54:38.020 most over, uh, prescribed or diagnosed things as ADHD. It's like, no, let's go run it out of them.

00:54:45.720 Let's go on a hike. Let's go on a swim. Let's, let's paint something. Let's go blow some,

00:54:50.260 get some fireworks, go blow something up, teach them safety and controlled environment,

00:54:54.260 but like harness that. And I'm, I'm learning that over the past five years because I have one just

00:54:59.600 like, I think what you're talking about here. And I used to really be like, Oh, so hard. And now I'm

00:55:04.180 like, it's so awesome because we get to do cool stuff. And I just, it's my job as a father to figure

00:55:11.160 out when it's appropriate and then to harness it. And when it's not appropriate. So I give them the vents,

00:55:14.960 the outlets, we've talked about it before, uh, with, uh, um, uh, the, my wife doing her canning,

00:55:23.240 right? So she, she does this canning and the way that you seal it is that you pressurize it. 0.96

00:55:28.520 Uh, but there's this little vent on the, on the top and the vent lets out the steam because if there

00:55:32.920 wasn't a vent, it would literally turn into a bomb. It would explode because of the heat and the,

00:55:36.460 the, the pressure. So the vent is what allows it to, to vent off. What are your vents and what are

00:55:41.880 his vents? And if you don't have any, he's going to blow up and then it's going to be bad. Yeah.

00:55:46.300 I like it on the, on the topic of just disciplining. I think, and this is you actually, I've heard you

00:55:54.220 say this numerous times that I've, I've latched onto it because I thought it was profound when you

00:55:58.220 said it the first time was always remember what, what's the lesson. And, and that has been key for

00:56:04.760 me. It's like, what is it that I want my child to learn in this example? And sometimes I get wrapped

00:56:12.340 up on the task, right? It's like, no, I want the room clean. No, no, no. Actually, that's not really

00:56:18.360 the lesson. I want my kids to respect their things. You know what I mean? And to be disciplined enough

00:56:24.780 to put their things away and have an orderly bedroom. That's what I want them to learn. And sometimes

00:56:30.360 I destroy that opportunity to learn because I want a room clean. So, so that's one thing that I would

00:56:37.540 recommend or echo what you've already said in the past. And then the other area that I struggle with

00:56:42.640 that I know I need to improve on is, is being stoic in the moment of disciplining to, to remove

00:56:50.380 my meaning, or I guess the emotional reaction that might be natural in my disciplining of my children,

00:56:59.920 children, because to reference, you know, Kale Carnegie, you know, it's like people want to

00:57:05.620 feel important. Your kids are no different. They want to feel important. They want to know that they

00:57:10.580 are loved and that they're valuable, valuable to you. So be careful when we discipline not to take

00:57:18.360 that away from them and make it about implementing a consequence without them questioning their love and

00:57:24.920 affection from you. And I think I, at least I can do that substantially better when I remove my emotion

00:57:31.880 and I'm just the disciplinary of, of the, of the consequences. I'm not, you know, throwing my

00:57:38.900 emotional judgment on them about, you know, them becoming short, you know, coming up short or not

00:57:45.860 meeting my expectations. Yeah. I wrote this down as you were saying that you're, you're objectively

00:57:51.420 disciplining your children, not subjectively disciplining them. So objectivity, meaning that

00:57:57.460 there's a standard, which also means a couple of things you need to have a standard and you need to

00:58:04.440 communicate it so that they understand it. And then you need to honor it because if you have a standard

00:58:09.240 and you've communicated, okay, so here's what happens if you're just enforcing, right? They're aware of

00:58:14.320 the rule. Right. That's right. But if you have a standard and, uh, you communicate it and then you

00:58:21.620 don't uphold it, then you're either weak and, or you're a liar and your children won't use that

00:58:32.740 verbiage, but that's how you come across them. You're weak. So now they're going to manipulate you

00:58:39.200 or you're a liar and they don't believe you. So if you have a standard, communicate the standard,

00:58:48.080 uphold the standard objectively. Yeah. And consistently and consistently. Yep. Then you're,

00:58:55.660 you're strong. You're a good assertive leader and you're a man of your word. They may not appreciate

00:59:01.280 it totally now, but they will appreciate that steadfastness that rock in their, in their family

00:59:08.040 dynamic in their, in their own personal growth. Yeah. Which generates stability psychologically,

00:59:12.620 whether they agree with it or not, that creates stability and safety. Yeah. Right. One book that

00:59:18.300 crossed my mind and it's a book that we've, we covered this past month or this current month,

00:59:23.500 I should say, cause it's not over yet, uh, in the iron council. And I was actually really surprised how

00:59:29.100 much I was able to relate this book to parenting, which, which was crucial accountability.

00:59:35.900 That book was spot on for, for parenting. So maybe a recommendation there for nice for our

00:59:44.220 individual. I like it. Cool. All right. All right. Uh, noonally last one today, Kip.

00:59:52.320 Okay. So that sounds good. Nate noonally 1776. I'm dating a girl. We have a lot in common as in what we

00:59:59.040 want in our future to the point where I can actually see my future with her in it. However, her parents are

01:00:05.160 very controlling and absolutely hate me just because we're together advice on how to deal with that.

01:00:13.980 This is a package deal, bro. Or yeah, her parents aren't going to disappear just because you guys

01:00:20.160 got married. They're only actually, they're going to, it's the opposite of that. They're going to be

01:00:24.020 more present. Yeah, maybe. So two things you really, really need to identify whether or not this woman

01:00:34.480 that you're dating can uphold boundaries. Well, first you need to ask if she has the same boundaries

01:00:40.020 as you regarding her parents. Yeah. Yes. Because if she doesn't, and they're going to be involved in

01:00:45.560 all the little intricacies of your relationship. And every time you guys have a disagreement or a fight

01:00:49.540 or whatever, or something, some sort of contention, she goes and runs to mommy and daddy. And that's her

01:00:53.880 relationship because this is going to be bad. This is going to be really, really bad. So you need to

01:01:01.360 have some serious, serious conversations with her about how this will work if you guys decide to

01:01:08.760 pursue a deeper relationship. And if she's on board with that and you feel like she's not just telling

01:01:14.740 you what you want to hear, but that there actually is through evidence of her performance that she's

01:01:20.720 on board with this and that she stands up for you and that there's some accountability here and

01:01:24.780 there's some expectations and standards, then you need to talk with her about how you're going to

01:01:29.940 they stay in place together, how you and her are going to be on the same team, how you're going

01:01:34.760 to work to ensure that's the case, how you're not going to undermine what, what boundaries do you

01:01:39.740 have in place that keep your potential in-laws at bay and not crossing over. So those are the two

01:01:45.840 things. Does she have the same expectation and standard that you do? And is she willing to help

01:01:50.900 you enforce those? And if either one or a no, you got to know this is a package deal. And at this

01:01:56.800 point, you're on your own. It's like, you're behind enemy lines at this point. I told you,

01:02:01.180 I told you right now, those are the things, if they're not in place, you're on your own and best

01:02:09.500 of luck to you. And it's hard. It's super hard because this woman sounds like a great woman.

01:02:14.940 She said, it sounds like you really love her. You want to spend your life with her. Obviously,

01:02:18.240 that's what you're saying, but those aren't the only things that matter. So

01:02:23.560 I'm just telling you, like you're young, you're in love, probably, you know, you're a young pup in

01:02:30.900 love. So it's hard to like talk with you about this stuff. I'm just telling you, if you can't

01:02:35.420 get those things in check, it's only going to be bad. It's only it's bound. It's difficult. Now it

01:02:40.880 only gets harder when you get married. I wish I had a better answer, man. I really do. But again,

01:02:45.500 you need to talk with her about what she expects and how she sees this going. Are we going to live

01:02:50.640 by your parents forever? Are they part of our decision-making process? Are we going to move?

01:02:56.040 Do we not turn to your parents? All this stuff. And when things, when there's conflict, how do we

01:03:01.500 resolve that conflict? And you better make sure I'm reiterating here that you guys are on the same

01:03:06.680 page or at least willing to work towards being on the same page. Ryan, would you recommend that,

01:03:11.360 hey, if you guys are establishing these boundaries, do it now while you're dating?

01:03:15.560 Of course. You need to see that she can do it. See how this goes. Yeah.

01:03:19.240 Yeah. You need to see if she can do it. Yeah. You know, look, personally, I've always been an

01:03:26.040 assertive person. Okay. So here's what I would do. If my girlfriend is somebody that I wanted to spend 0.94

01:03:35.720 my entire life with, and I've never had to deal with this problem because I have great in-laws,

01:03:40.020 fortunately. But this is the woman I wanted to spend my entire life with. And I realized that

01:03:45.840 her and I are on the same page with expectations. We're both willing to uphold boundaries and

01:03:49.720 standards and these expectations. I would, after talking about this with my wife,

01:03:57.900 I would talk with my father-in-law. I personally would. Kip, if you were my father-in-law, I would say

01:04:05.260 to you, I'd say, hey, look, Kip, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to ask your daughter to marry

01:04:09.280 me and I would like your blessing in that. Do I have your blessing? If you say yes, great. If you

01:04:15.620 say no, say, well, you know, I'm still going to ask, but I wanted to respect you, but I'm my own

01:04:19.320 man and I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. And I felt like it was worth coming to talk with

01:04:23.540 you. But also I know that you and your wife don't like me for whatever reason. And that isn't going to

01:04:30.260 diminish the way I take care of your daughter. And it isn't going to diminish my role and

01:04:35.120 responsibility as her husband and father of our children. And I'm just letting you know right now

01:04:39.520 we're doing this thing and this is what we're going to do. So like, that's what I would do.

01:04:45.700 That's a hard conversation to have, but man, that's what I would do. And you know what I think that

01:04:50.340 would do if you did it respectfully, I'm not saying you need to be a dick about it, but you do it with

01:04:54.740 authority. You do it with assertiveness and you do it with a level of respect. God, I can't imagine

01:04:59.260 that not garnering some level of respect from your potential father-in-law. For sure.

01:05:06.240 Tough situation. Heed our warning, please, because I do not want to hear from you in seven years. And

01:05:13.640 you said, Hey, you, I asked you a question seven years ago. Yeah. And now my wife hates me because 1.00

01:05:20.220 her parents undermined us at every decision. And I don't see my kids anymore. And she just went and

01:05:25.400 moved with her mom and her dad. And I'm miserable. Like this has played out, man. We we've seen it

01:05:31.600 Kip. You and I have seen it dozens, if not hundreds of times from guys asking questions on this podcast.

01:05:36.020 I what's this guy's name. I moved on. Sorry. Okay. Look, whatever his name is Nate. I am a time

01:05:45.340 traveler. I have seen your future. If you do what we tell you, you'll be okay. If you don't,

01:05:51.800 your future is dismal. And I'm being very harsh on this one because we know Kip, we know, and I'm

01:05:57.760 coming back from the past to tell you to listen, please listen. Okay.

01:06:06.460 That's it. We filled it. Yeah. We filled a question from Ryan's Instagram to connect with him there.

01:06:11.820 Go to Ryan at Ryan Mickler. And of course, to join us online on the socials, you can join us on Facebook,

01:06:18.120 facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And what else, man? Swag in the store.

01:06:24.480 Yep. We got some new merchandise coming soon. Leave the ratings, reviews, just, just biggest thing,

01:06:29.440 guys, spread the, spread the word, spread the word, shoot, shoot somebody a text, you know,

01:06:35.580 shoot somebody a message, take a screenshot, post it up on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter.

01:06:40.700 Let people know, shoot Kip and I a message. Let me know. I know Kip, you're reposting a lot of

01:06:45.560 things that people tag you on. I try to repost those things too.

01:06:47.940 Cause we care, like it's important to us. And if you're getting value from it, it's nice for us

01:06:51.820 to know that you're getting value. And then there might be somebody who, well, look, I can't pull

01:06:57.860 it up. Cause I've gotten so many messages over the past couple of days, but I got a message from a guy

01:07:01.920 the other day. Uh, and he said, Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my wife put a ring back on.

01:07:09.260 And that's because partly because of the work that we're doing here, Kip is partly because,

01:07:14.420 and that's what he said. I listened to you, what you're doing and I admire what you're doing.

01:07:18.300 And I've tried to become a better man. My wife put her ring back on guys. There might be somebody

01:07:22.580 in your life who's struggling with that or something else. And they just hear something

01:07:26.440 that Kip, you said, or I said, or one of our guests said, and it just, it changes them.

01:07:31.640 And then it changes the trajectory of their life with their family and their business and their

01:07:35.720 community. And they're just, they're better because of it. And it could just be a simple text that,

01:07:39.520 Hey man, I was listening to these guys and I don't agree with everything they have, but you know,

01:07:44.080 they said this one thing at minute, 12 minutes and 37 seconds. And you ought to listen to it.

01:07:47.640 Cause I think it applies to your situation. Could be as simple as that. You could save somebody's

01:07:52.160 life quite literally. That's all I got, man. Cool. All right, guys. Well, appreciate the

01:07:57.140 questions. Appreciate the feedback. And as always go out there, take action and become the man you

01:08:02.240 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of

01:08:07.260 your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - September 01, 2021

Developing Self-Accountability, the Need for Moral Sacrifice, and Broaching Difficult Conversations with Kids ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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