Order of Man - Disciplining Your Children, Developing a Healthy Ego, and Getting What You Want ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.600 and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the movement that is Order of Man.

00:00:32.700 That's what you're doing here. That's what you're all about, is about becoming a better man,

00:00:36.520 and that's what we do. We're going to give you the conversation, the tools, the resources,

00:00:41.060 everything that you need to be a more engaged father, a more committed husband,

00:00:45.520 a stronger leader in your community, a better coach, brother, friend, colleague. What else?

00:00:51.360 A better business owner, more effective in every other facet of your life. So today is your Ask Me

00:00:57.240 anything. Now, usually I have this conversation with my co-host, Kip Sorensen. He is not going

00:01:03.160 to be joining us today. I'm doing this one a little bit off the cuff because I'm trying to get ready for

00:01:07.820 Christmas. And I want to make sure we're ahead of schedule so that I can take the week off and

00:01:13.060 so can Kip. So here's where we are and our editor as well. We want to make sure we give him a break

00:01:17.400 as well. So it's just me today for better or worse. What we're going to be doing here in just a

00:01:22.280 minute is answering and fielding your questions. These are specifically from the Facebook group.

00:01:27.240 And I hope that you enjoy. So before we get into that, let's talk about origin. You guys have

00:01:33.700 heard me talk about them. I did a podcast on, I believe it was Friday of last week. It was 10

00:01:41.040 things that I've learned in my first year of jujitsu. So go check it out. And the reason I bring

00:01:44.820 that up is because origin is all about the rash guards and the geese that you need in order to up

00:01:52.600 your jujitsu game. But in addition to that, they've got a lot of lifestyle stuff as well. Their boots,

00:01:56.520 their denim, they've got their supplemental lineup. That's partnered up with Jocko.

00:02:00.360 They've got it all. So check it out at origin, main.com and use the code order O-R-D-E-R at checkout.

00:02:07.580 Let's not waste much time today, guys. Let's get right into the questions. So again, today I'm going

00:02:12.040 to be fielding questions from our Facebook group. Sometimes we also field them from our exclusive

00:02:16.700 brotherhood, the iron council. We got through most of those questions last week. So I want to make sure

00:02:21.820 that I get to the questions again, inside of our Facebook group. I've got some good ones here today,

00:02:26.200 and I've also got some not so good ones, but I'll skip those. So you won't know what those are.

00:02:30.340 And we'll go for about an hour or so, and we'll get to as many questions as possible.

00:02:35.660 And if I know the answer, I'll give you the answer, or at least my opinion. If I don't know the answer,

00:02:40.860 I'll still give you my opinion. And then you can debate with me on whether or not I'm right.

00:02:44.320 All right, guys, let's get into it. Now. Usually Kip reads the names and I give him a hard time for

00:02:49.720 butchering these names. Uh, since he's not here, I'm going to be reading the names and I will likely

00:02:54.480 butcher these names. So if I do, I apologize, but it is what it is. So first one, Mike, uh,

00:02:59.380 Villeneuve, Villeneuve, Villeneuve. See, I'm going to mess these up right off the bat. He says,

00:03:05.240 knowing what you know now, if you could go back and completely redo your life, would you?

00:03:10.560 The answer to that is very simply, no, I would not redo my life. Number one, you can't. So I

00:03:16.280 don't play the game. I don't play the game of like, what if, what if you did this? What if you

00:03:20.480 had this? If you could go back and re redo your life or change your life, what would you do?

00:03:25.460 I'm just telling you, that's an exercise that is not practical. Obviously. Uh, it's a lot of times

00:03:31.840 kind of a waste. What I would suggest rather than worrying about what you would redo is ask yourself

00:03:37.580 what I learned. That's significantly more valuable than saying, what would I redo? So you have these

00:03:44.180 negative life experiences, whether it's a divorce or, uh, you know, you get into some sort of trouble,

00:03:49.660 uh, whatever, whatever it may be, instead of saying, Oh man, I just wish I could redo that

00:03:54.940 and dwelling on the past. I want you to be forward thinking and forward thinking says, okay, here's what

00:04:00.420 happened. Here's where I messed up. Here's what went wrong along the way. What can I learn from this

00:04:05.400 experience? And now how can I be better moving into the future? That is a significantly better

00:04:11.820 exercise than what would you redo? What would you start over, et cetera, et cetera. So focus on forward,

00:04:19.780 focus on moving forward and moving forward means how can I correct my life? How can I change my life?

00:04:25.520 How can I make different thoughts or actions or behaviors based on what I know? The problem with

00:04:30.880 redoing your life, even if you could is that it would completely change who you are. And for me,

00:04:36.760 I'm happy. I'm satisfied with where I am. I'm fulfilled. I've got a lot more to do. I understand

00:04:42.060 that and realize that, but, uh, I'm not willing to change any element of my life. And if I were to go

00:04:48.360 back and redo something, it'd be like the butterfly effect and just change every other thing about my

00:04:54.060 life. And again, I'm not, I'm not interested in doing that. So learn, grow, expand. What's happens,

00:04:59.300 happened. It's in the past, but you can't learn from it. If you had that forward thinking mindset.

00:05:03.920 All right. Number two, Joshua Reynolds, favorite coffee company. I get this question a lot along

00:05:10.240 with alcohol, like favorite beer or favorite, whatever. I don't drink coffee and I don't drink

00:05:15.380 alcohol. So anything that I say, you'd have to take with a grain of salt. I will tell you my favorite

00:05:20.240 coffee company, even though I don't drink coffee is black rifle coffee company. Both Evan and Matt

00:05:26.700 have been on the podcast in the past. I believe in what they're doing. I like their model. I like

00:05:31.440 the guys and who they are. Uh, they become friends over the past several years now. And, uh, I would

00:05:37.200 definitely check them out again. I don't drink coffee, so I can't tell you what it tastes like.

00:05:42.220 I just know I like those guys and I like the company. Hope it helps to some degree. All right.

00:05:47.440 Joshua Gherkin. He says, uh, what is one Christmas gift that a guy should be asking his significant

00:05:54.420 other for? He says, skip the gym memberships because you should already have that. Thanks in

00:06:00.540 advance. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. I'm not very good at giving my wife Christmas

00:06:07.560 gift suggestions. She asked me all the time. Like, I don't know. Cause normally if I just want

00:06:11.960 something, I just go get it. I don't wait for Christmas. Uh, so what should you ask for? I don't

00:06:17.720 know, whatever, whatever you want, hunting stuff, jujitsu stuff. Uh, that's what I would

00:06:23.600 ask for. Maybe some podcasting gear, maybe some new technology or a little gadget that I'd like

00:06:29.980 some new clothes. I don't know, whatever you want. That's for you to decide. All right. Kyle pride

00:06:36.080 Henderson. I like these easy names. I like when they're easy, when they're tough, I'm going to

00:06:39.920 butcher him. Kyle. Uh, I said, Kyle, I said, Kyle, but it is Kyler. So I messed that one up. Even

00:06:45.300 Kyler says, what are the benefits in your opinion to bow hunting as opposed to rifle hunting? I know

00:06:52.160 you're only somewhat versed in one, but regardless, thank you. I'm not even really all that well versed

00:06:57.260 in either. Cause I only started hunting in December of 2017. Um, I have killed more animals with my bow

00:07:04.320 than my rifle. In fact, I've only shot, I think maybe two, two animals with my rifle. I don't know

00:07:11.140 if you can see, I've got a black Hawaiian sheep there and right above it. I've got my, my deer, 0.68

00:07:15.220 the very first deer that I shot. Uh, I mean, do whatever works for you. I like, I don't know if

00:07:21.260 there's an advantage necessary, or he says the benefits. I don't know if there's like a benefit

00:07:25.920 to one over the other. I like bow hunting. I think it's a little bit more difficult. Uh, I enjoy

00:07:31.420 getting close and intimate with that animal. I enjoy the spot and stock hunts that I go on.

00:07:36.200 Of course you can do that with a rifle as well. Uh, I don't know, just pick one like whatever you

00:07:42.300 think is going to be best for you, or you have an affinity to, or maybe, you know, somebody who's

00:07:46.380 a rifle hunter or a bow hunter. I like the challenge of hunting with a bow. Um, it just seems to be

00:07:53.440 more challenging, more demanding, and that's not to take anything away from rifle hunting. Uh, I,

00:07:58.560 I think they're both great and I have no, no qualms with either one of them. So do whatever

00:08:03.780 works for you. Dave Natto says, what's a better way of disciplining your kids besides an ass whooping?

00:08:12.860 Well, I'm glad you said that there's, or at least considering that there's a better way of doing

00:08:16.940 it. I actually, I don't, I don't spank my kids. I don't hit my kids. I don't get physical with my

00:08:21.500 kids that way because I don't think it's advantageous. I don't think it's beneficial.

00:08:24.900 Then I've heard guys say, well, you know, my dad used to beat my ass and look at me. Well,

00:08:29.980 okay. I don't think like one little anecdotal story explains or shares that that's the best

00:08:37.520 way to do it. I mean, consider it if you're where you are and you, and you, and you were disciplined

00:08:41.640 that way as a kid, consider maybe where you'd be if you weren't disciplined that way as a kid.

00:08:45.240 So it's not a very solid argument. Uh, what's a better way of disciplining your kids. I think

00:08:51.060 restricting them from activities that they enjoy. I think even before it gets to that point, just

00:08:56.480 explaining, I think a lot of men grew up with the mentality of like, do what I do or excuse me,

00:09:03.580 do what I say. I do it, do it because I'm the dad, et cetera, et cetera. And so we would probably have

00:09:09.100 a natural tendency of doing that to our own children. We'll just do what I say. Look, I mean,

00:09:14.940 there's some times where maybe that's appropriate, but for the most part, I think it's better to

00:09:19.120 explain why a kid is behaving a certain way, why it's not in their best interest, what a better

00:09:24.880 approach would be certainly leading by example. If it gets to the point where there needs to be

00:09:30.380 some discipline, then I would say restriction from certain items or activities that your child

00:09:34.300 really enjoys and likes, because there does have to be punishment. I also think this is a big one.

00:09:39.960 Actually, when it comes to disciplining your kids, make them rectify the situation because nobody wants

00:09:46.300 to do that because it's embarrassing. So for example, if you're, if your kid, I don't know,

00:09:51.360 stole something from, from the grocery store. Yeah. You could ground them. Yeah. Maybe you could

00:09:56.120 spank them. Like you're saying here. Again, I wouldn't advise that, but I think it's better to

00:10:02.300 actually go make your kid go back to the grocery store, give them that item back or do some work or pay

00:10:09.060 that individual back. And then actually go have the conversation with the individual. They need to

00:10:13.500 have the conversation with about why they stole from the grocery store, because I promise you

00:10:17.840 that kid is going to learn so much more because there was accountability. There were consequences

00:10:23.940 and they actually had to go fix the situation. Not you don't rescue your kids all the time.

00:10:29.780 Let them fix their own problems. And if your kid is doing something they shouldn't be doing,

00:10:33.740 then let that child rectify the situation. Like it isn't over just because you discipline them,

00:10:39.340 let them experience the full weight of the decisions that they've made, the choices that

00:10:45.060 they've engaged in the thoughts that they have. And if they experienced that full weight,

00:10:49.160 I really believe they're less likely to do it in the future. So I hope that helps Greg Madden. He says,

00:10:55.520 how do you address people who claim that toxic masculinity is the problem with most men? I believe the term

00:11:03.300 is a false narrative used by those who lean to the left politically, socially, et cetera.

00:11:09.800 Well, let's address this. Let's break this down. Cause I think there's a couple of things at play

00:11:13.760 here. Let's talk about toxic masculinity first, as, as a term, as a phrase, the problem with the

00:11:20.380 phrase, there's a lot of problems with the phrase. One of the problems with the phrase is that nobody

00:11:24.740 knows what you're talking about because I've seen people and heard people who believe that toxic

00:11:30.520 masculinity is using masculine characteristics and virtues in a negative or destructive way.

00:11:38.100 That's one definition. I've also heard people say, or even allude to the fact, and I think this is the

00:11:44.420 way that academia tends to roll the way that the medical community seems to be moving. Uh, the way

00:11:50.360 that I hear much, much of, uh, the chatter on social media and the entertainment business and media

00:11:56.140 talking about is that masculinity in and of itself is inherently toxic. Now, when I say that people say,

00:12:04.400 no, no, no, nobody, nobody thinks that nobody believes that. Well, uh, earlier, I believe it was

00:12:10.000 last year, the American psychological association. So this is the organization responsible for the way

00:12:16.020 that the medical community, the, the psychological community, uh, treats and, uh, diagnoses their

00:12:24.300 patients, the people that they see. So it's, it's a, it's a governing body and it's responsible for the

00:12:30.400 way that again, much of treatment is administered psychologically. Well, they came out and said that

00:12:35.980 the traits that we would generally consider as masculine and the three traits they used

00:12:40.800 were competitiveness, aggression, and stoicism. So competitiveness, aggression, stoicism. And I look

00:12:50.520 at stoicism as the, not the absence of emotions, but the understanding and appropriate response to

00:12:57.580 the emotions that you have. So they're saying that somehow those traits that I would consider

00:13:04.200 inherently masculine are somehow destructive or dangerous to our young men. So when people say,

00:13:12.040 no, no, nobody thinks that's what they're saying. The American, hear me on this. The American

00:13:16.780 psychological association believes that the characteristics that we would generally consider

00:13:23.080 as masculine are somehow inherently destructive and damaging. So when somebody says, nobody thinks 1.00

00:13:31.280 that you're wrong, millions and millions of people believe that masculinity in and of itself

00:13:36.820 is toxic. And that's part of the reason I don't subscribe to the term is because when people say it,

00:13:42.020 I don't know where they're, I don't know what they mean. Do they mean that it's men who aren't

00:13:47.060 displaying a positive way of behaving? Well, maybe that's not toxic masculinity. Maybe that's just being

00:13:53.720 an asshole. Or they mean that just being a man, just by the fact that you were born a man, you're a

00:14:00.500 threat to society. And we know because what I just told you that people actually believe that. So I don't,

00:14:07.060 I don't buy the term masculinity in and of itself is not toxic. Uh, and if it's, if, if, if that's the

00:14:13.900 problem that people have, I think there's a deeper thing going on here. And I think generally what's

00:14:18.660 happening is these individuals who have a misguided sense of what masculinity is have been hurt by men.

00:14:25.840 They've been hurt by men. And what they've done is because they've been hurt by one man or several men,

00:14:32.860 they've decided that men are bad. Not that man, not that situation that men are inherently bad in

00:14:43.080 what's wrong with the world. So when somebody says toxic masculinity is the problem with most men,

00:14:48.880 that's probably somebody who's hurt. So how do you deal with it? You show them that not all men 0.67

00:14:55.100 behave the way in which they are experiencing. Again, that doesn't mean toxic masculinity. It just means

00:15:01.980 that that guy was, was an asshole or, or abusive, or he had his own issues that he needed to work out.

00:15:09.200 So you be the kind of man that shows these individuals that this is not how men behave.

00:15:15.560 In fact, men are protectors, providers, presiders were virtuous. We're honorable. We're hardworking.

00:15:21.660 We're dedicated. We serve other people. We do all of these wonderful things for society. And in fact,

00:15:27.260 much of society was built on the backs of men. And people say, yeah, that, well, that's the 0.67

00:15:32.280 patriarchy. Call it what you want. The fact of the matter is, is that society was built on the backs 0.77

00:15:38.660 of men. We work, we slave, we, we die in battle. We're the ones who generally, again, going out in

00:15:47.480 the workforce and sacrificing. We take the risk. We die more often earlier. And, and we go to prison

00:15:54.900 more often. There's all sorts of reasons why it's clearly obvious that society was built on the backs

00:16:02.360 of men. I'm not saying that as a victim. I'm just saying that's the truth. We've done a lot. And so

00:16:07.040 have women as well, but society is good. I mean, if you look at where we're at in society, everything

00:16:15.160 is amazing. Like we live in the most profitable times. The, our, our health is better than it's ever

00:16:24.160 been. In fact, it was interesting because I saw that. I think it was just this year that

00:16:29.340 in America anyways, and I'm not sure if this is globally, but in America, our life expectancy

00:16:33.920 has decreased for like the second or third year in a row. And so you could look at that and say,

00:16:38.800 well, see, that's a problem with the health system. No, it's actually a symptom of the times in which

00:16:44.300 we live. Why? Because people are fat. People are out of shape. They're overweight. They don't work

00:16:49.080 out. They don't eat right. And therefore, because we're obese, a lot of the issues that we run into

00:16:55.600 from a medical perspective and a health perspective are linked to us overeating us, not exercising us

00:17:03.180 doing the things that we have the luxury, frankly, of being able to do because the times in which we

00:17:07.960 live. So I'm not sure I really answered that question, but I did want to address the point that

00:17:12.980 masculinity is not inherently toxic. There's nothing wrong with masculinity. There's certainly

00:17:18.760 wrong things wrong with some men, not all of them. And you just need to be the example and set the

00:17:25.580 course and then have these types of conversations, by the way, share this podcast. All right, share

00:17:30.380 this podcast. Like, how do you deal with it? You share this podcast. So more people are aware of it

00:17:34.880 and can see what masculinity is really about and what we are to be doing as men. All right, Dominique

00:17:40.520 Bright. How much do you think is a, I don't really understand this question. He says, how much do you

00:17:45.380 think it's an appropriate amount of time a day to be on it? I don't, I don't really know what that

00:17:51.340 means. If he's saying like on it, as in like in the game, I don't know. I'm not even gonna answer

00:17:58.440 that question because I don't really understand it. All right. Robert Thompson. He says, what exactly

00:18:02.260 is ego and how could one learn to identify their own? This is a good question. Ego is an over

00:18:08.880 inflated sense of worth or self. And that's actually not inherently bad. If you want to

00:18:17.240 be successful, there has to be some sort of ego in your life. You have to be arrogant enough

00:18:24.180 to believe, to have the audacity, to believe that you can succeed in spite of having no track

00:18:29.100 record of success, which is an interesting thing because most people think, well, ego arrogance,

00:18:34.200 that's bad. And it can be, if it's taken to the extreme, that's the difference. If it's taken to

00:18:40.120 the extreme, then you're going to create blind spots in your life. You're not being truthful about

00:18:44.780 who you are and your performance. And that creates problems. But I had to be, I had to have somewhat

00:18:50.100 of an ego when I started this podcast to believe that although I never had a successful podcast,

00:18:54.940 that I could start a podcast and be successful at it. Like what in my right mind would,

00:18:59.680 would even illustrate or suggest that I could be successful in this arena. So there has to be

00:19:05.440 some level of ego. And if it isn't, you're probably just going to tuck tail, hide in the corner,

00:19:10.320 not put yourself out into the world, not try to get a promotion. And really, frankly, just not think

00:19:15.220 all that highly of yourself. I think that's a healthy sense of ego and it's certainly okay. In fact,

00:19:21.040 I think it'd be advisable. Now, how could one learn to identify their own? I think you look at your

00:19:27.020 results. If, if your belief system about who you are and how you show up is driving you to take

00:19:35.060 calculated risks, to push outside of your comfort zone, to learn new skills, to develop new talents

00:19:42.080 and abilities and gifts so that you can succeed and you can help other people succeed. Then I think

00:19:47.900 that's an element or a factor of a healthy sense of self. Now, if on the other hand, you're not producing

00:19:56.620 the results that you desire. And this requires some sort of after action review. You actually have

00:20:01.260 to evaluate your performance. Most people don't. So what they'll do is they'll go out and they'll

00:20:05.640 perform or they'll do their project or whatever it is they're going to do. And then they don't ever

00:20:09.720 give it a second afterthought. Once that project's over, your project's not over until you've reviewed

00:20:14.840 it and figured out why you were successful or why you weren't successful. So then you can go out

00:20:19.480 and either replicate the success or test new variables to produce a new, more effective

00:20:25.420 outcome for yourself. So doing your after action review now in your after action review, if you

00:20:30.340 realize and see and identify that you didn't have the right information or you didn't have the right

00:20:38.200 people or the right tools, well, that's, that's might be an indicator that you were closed off to those

00:20:42.920 things or, or closed off to the idea that maybe there's something you don't know. So do your

00:20:48.680 after action reviews, uh, look at what's contributing to your successes and what's contributing to your

00:20:54.820 failures and ask yourself, is it your ego? Is it your thought process? Is it limiting beliefs? Like what is

00:21:01.460 it that's keeping you from what you want? This requires a lot of internal and self-reflection,

00:21:07.920 which is something I highly suggest you do. And you build into your systems, which we've done in

00:21:12.900 our, in our battle planning system. A lot of you guys are familiar with that. All right. Elijah

00:21:16.640 Palmer. He says advice. You would go back in time again. We're going back in time now and give

00:21:22.300 yourself as a soon to be father. Here's the advice I give to soon to be fathers. By the way, if this is

00:21:27.740 you, Elijah, congratulations on either your, your, your child or your, your child who's arriving soon.

00:21:34.280 Uh, here's my, here's my suggestion. Cause you've heard it all. You've heard all the other stuff.

00:21:38.420 Your job as a father is to render yourself obsolete. That's it. Your job as a father is to render

00:21:45.560 yourself obsolete, meaning you've got to put yourself out of work. So that's going to require

00:21:50.660 love. It's going to require patience, but it's also going to require sacrifice and discipline and

00:21:55.200 doing hard things, things that aren't comfortable and having conversations that are awkward, like

00:21:59.440 the birds and the bees and some of these other conversations that you just, I mean, nobody really

00:22:05.700 like is looking forward to having, but you need to be able to have those conversations because if

00:22:11.220 your job is to render yourself obsolete and you're not willing to have those conversations,

00:22:15.040 then your child grows up thinking something inaccurate or not even a full view of the way

00:22:21.440 in which life operates. So if I were to go back in time and give myself advice, or I think more

00:22:30.480 accurately just say, what advice would I give to you? It would be that remember in all things that

00:22:36.540 your job is to render yourself obsolete. And I feel like if you use that as a litmus test for what

00:22:42.080 you're doing, you're going to be significantly more successful as a father. All right, here's Bubba

00:22:48.820 Downs. Now he's talking to Kip, but I'm going to fill in for Kip here. He says, Kip, do the voice.

00:22:53.620 How loud are you going to yell tap after I catch you in a Kimura and thus proving the dominance of 1.00

00:23:00.320 curved rim superiority? Well, the answer Bubba very simply is that's not going to happen. And I would

00:23:09.700 pay money to see you and Kip roll and you attempt to get Kip in a Kimura. That would be very fun to

00:23:17.900 watch. And I'm sure this will happen at some point that you guys will roll. And I just want to make

00:23:23.220 sure that you ensure that I'm there when that happens. So I can see how this all goes down.

00:23:29.720 All right. Mitchell Masuri says how to teach boys to become men in different age groups from two to

00:23:37.380 15. I'd say that would be a good podcast. All right. Well, I'm not going to do a podcast on it

00:23:41.540 because we're doing the ask me anything right now. In fact, if you go back, there's a podcast and you

00:23:46.720 type this in, do a search for it. Uh, the podcast is, uh, if you just type raising Kings, uh, I believe

00:23:54.540 I talk about it there. I think that's what it's called raising Kings. I also do one for daughters

00:23:58.340 called raising Queens. So just do a search wherever you listen to the podcast, uh, type in order of man,

00:24:02.840 raising Kings and Kings and order of man, raising Queens. And then also do a search for order of man,

00:24:09.800 rights of passage. Cause I talk about each one of those things. And one of the things that we do

00:24:13.820 or in the process of doing, I should say with our children, our boys specifically,

00:24:17.320 cause they're at that age is every two years, starting at age eight, we do a rite of passage.

00:24:23.160 So it's not just one thing. It's a system of passages. So it's eight, 10, 12, 14, 16. The last

00:24:29.440 ones, excuse me, 18. Uh, when they're, when they leave and they're out on their own. So check those

00:24:35.760 resources out. Uh, Tyler stick tips for dealing with separation or divorce. Tyler, I talked about

00:24:43.780 this last week. So go back and listen to last week's, ask me anything. I know that this is a

00:24:49.260 very difficult time. Uh, I know that this is a challenging situation. I've been there, not the

00:24:54.960 divorce section or segment of that, but the separation segment. And I'm telling you, that

00:24:58.840 was the darkest time of my life. I think anybody who's gone through a separation or divorce can

00:25:04.520 probably attest to that, that it's a very dark and uncomfortable time. What I would say, and this is

00:25:10.080 what I said on the last podcast, go back and listen, cause it's pretty good is you need to

00:25:17.000 make yourself the project because right now it's likely that you're focusing all of your time and

00:25:24.160 your energy and your attention and your resources and everything else on her. And that's natural.

00:25:29.920 Like you want to win her back. You want to fix the marriage. It's likely that's what's happening.

00:25:34.220 So it's natural to feel that way. It's counterproductive though. It's not going to work.

00:25:40.040 In fact, the more that you focus on her, the greater wedge you're going to drive between

00:25:43.920 you and her. So rather than focusing all your time and attention and energy on her,

00:25:49.000 re-channel that, redirect it to yourself, focus on yourself, exercise, find good friends,

00:25:56.160 develop a new hobby. You read a lot of good books, secure promotion, start a business.

00:26:01.200 These are all the things that you should be doing right now, making yourself the project.

00:26:06.760 We as men are builders. And a lot of the times we focus all of that energy externally and we build

00:26:13.420 these external things. I'm suggesting that you focus it internally, at least for now, to some degree

00:26:19.180 and begin to build up who you are as a man. So that if this relationship works out or another one

00:26:25.720 down the road, that you will be in the best possible position as an individual and sovereign man

00:26:30.900 to be the type of husband, father, leader, head of your household that you have a desire to become.

00:26:37.060 So go back and listen to that last podcast. But generally that's what I would suggest.

00:26:41.820 And all will work out the way that it's meant to Rob Butler. He asks our sports, such as the NFL,

00:26:50.140 MLB, et cetera, just a distraction from what we should actually be doing. The answer is they can be,

00:26:56.560 it can be so simple as that because you could actually say that about anything, right? You could

00:27:01.820 say, is podcasting a distraction from what you should be doing is going to the gym, a distraction

00:27:09.040 from what you should actually be doing. The litmus test on that is whether or not it's serving you

00:27:14.180 and moving you in the right direction. So if you're going to go to an NFL game with the buddies and hang

00:27:18.660 out and have a great day, is that helping you? Yeah. Yeah. I think it is because you're building

00:27:24.400 camaraderie with friends. You're having a good time. You've got some entertainment and all as well.

00:27:28.840 That's a, that's a good thing. Now, if you spend all weekend Saturdays for college Sundays for NFL,

00:27:35.260 and you spend all weekend watching every possible game and you've got 200 channels, so you can catch

00:27:40.620 the highlights and you're switching between games back and forth and you're ignoring your wife,

00:27:45.160 you're ignoring your kids. You're not doing what you should be doing with regards to projects or

00:27:49.160 work, things like that. Then of course that's a distraction. So I can't determine that for you.

00:27:54.260 I can't tell you, yes, it's, if you watch any football, it's a distraction. I'm not going to say

00:27:59.580 that. I mean, there's things that I do that, you know, I just like some entertainment, right? I just

00:28:04.420 want to be entertained. I want to have a good time. I mean, that's watching a movie or watching TV or

00:28:08.600 doing a puzzle, which is something I like to do with my wife. Like there's nothing wrong with being

00:28:13.920 entertained. There's nothing wrong with going to watch a movie or watching a football game with

00:28:17.640 your favorite team. Like, I don't see anything wrong with that. We're playing video games. Even

00:28:21.260 like, I don't see anything wrong with playing a video game with your kids and having a good time

00:28:26.900 together. It's when you take it to the extreme that it becomes a problem. And you guys all know

00:28:30.900 what that line is, or at least you should know. All right. Uh, Sean Kaz, you mentioned in your last

00:28:36.820 podcast that you tasked yourself with asking for a discount, wherever you would make a purchase.

00:28:42.020 What realization made you identify that you could improve in this area? Can you share any other

00:28:47.500 specific tactics you've used to get out of your comfort zone? It wasn't a matter of improving in

00:28:52.440 the area of asking for discounts or securing discounts. It was, it was a, uh, an objective or

00:28:58.980 a task or a challenge to make myself step outside of my comfort zone. That's what it was. So the challenge

00:29:05.840 was wherever I went, and I think I did this for a week, wherever I went, I had to ask for a discount

00:29:10.860 and, and it was hard for me because I, I really have an issue with appearing cheap. I don't want

00:29:16.100 to appear cheap to other people. So I'll pay full price. So it was very difficult for me to go in

00:29:21.720 to wherever, whether it was a restaurant or a retail clothing store, wherever I was, I asked for a

00:29:28.280 discount. That was a hard thing. And it helped me. It helped me realize that people really don't think

00:29:35.280 much of it. It helped me realize that you get more often than not what you ask for. Cause I was

00:29:41.600 amazed. I got some discounts and I'm like, no way am I going to get a discount on that. And I did

00:29:45.260 because I was, I just was willing to ask. That's the only thing I did. And I would get discounts at

00:29:50.820 places, which really helped me be more assertive. So if you're thinking about how can you step

00:29:57.300 outside of your comfort zone and, and specifically with regards to what we're talking about here,

00:30:01.520 Sean is the assertiveness workbook is a very powerful resource to help you identify your

00:30:09.720 comfort zone with being assertive with other human beings, and then gives you some actionable

00:30:13.560 strategies for, for doing it for, for being more assertive. All right. Joe Kressel says,

00:30:20.180 how has your faith influenced your definition of yourself when you were in your twenties versus your

00:30:26.340 thirties? I don't know. I don't, there's no difference to me between your twenties and your

00:30:33.120 thirties. I mean, yeah, you're going to be older. You're going to be more mature, but it doesn't,

00:30:38.680 it doesn't matter whether it's your twenties or thirties faith. My faith is going to influence me

00:30:43.580 the same. I mean, it's, it's, it's something that grounds me. It's something that gives me

00:30:51.620 the, the, the ability to focus on the long-term versus the short-term that there are eternal

00:30:58.000 consequences and aspects of our lives. And it's a good thing. So I didn't, I never really understood

00:31:06.060 the twenties versus thirties. I guess my question for you would be, why are you asking, you know,

00:31:11.440 what, like, are you about to turn 30 years old and you're wondering like what you should be doing?

00:31:15.280 Well, I mean, you can, you can determine that for yourself, but I think faith is a very, very

00:31:21.000 powerful component. It's a powerful component of my life. And I believe it'd be more powerful if more

00:31:26.920 men had had faith in, in a higher power. And you know, it's, it's kind of, it's, it's actually really

00:31:34.460 interesting because a lot of guys say, well, religion's just designed to get you to like toe

00:31:38.580 the line and do what you're supposed to do. Yeah. That's like, that's everything. Like that's the point

00:31:45.100 of even a code of conduct. Even if you wrote the code of conduct, it's to get you to behave in a

00:31:50.360 certain way, to live to a moral code. I don't see anything wrong with believing in God. I don't see

00:31:56.900 anything wrong with having faith. I don't believe in or see anything wrong in believing with, in

00:32:01.720 adhering to some code. We all have it. It's all varying, but we all have a code. So when guys talk

00:32:08.820 about religion, organized religion is bad because of this. No, I, I choose to, I'm spiritual.

00:32:15.100 I choose to be involved with organized religion because it helps me be a better man because I

00:32:19.580 have a framework and I have a foundation for the way I operate in my life. And it's the same

00:32:24.280 twenties and thirties. It's the same twenties. I was probably not as open to it as I am in my thirties

00:32:30.040 because I thought I knew more in my twenties and I was more arrogant. But life has a way of kicking

00:32:35.560 your ass over a decade and showing you that you don't have it all figured out. And you don't know 0.60

00:32:41.180 as much as you think you do. Corey Brinton, have you taken the knife out of the wall in your barn

00:32:47.060 yet? So a little backstory here. A lot of you guys know, we moved to Maine about six months ago,

00:32:53.680 seven months ago. And we've got this big, beautiful barn. And as I was cleaning it out and getting it

00:32:59.480 all organized, I walked up a set of stairs to the second level of the barn. And on, on the wall,

00:33:05.260 right at the top of the stairs, when you walk up there, there's like a kitchen knife stuck in the

00:33:10.020 wall. And the answer is no, I haven't left it there. Somebody wanted it there for a reason.

00:33:14.640 Excuse me. I haven't taken it off. Somebody wanted it there for a reason. So I just left it there.

00:33:19.320 And now when we do our events and things like that, and people are using that area, we'll take it out.

00:33:23.940 But yes, there is a knife stuck in the wall of our barn and it is still there in the same place.

00:33:31.180 No, it's kind of weird. All right. Luke, uh, realt, as it relates to the adage, everything in

00:33:38.980 moderation, is there an unhealthy level of dedicating yourself to fitness? I'm looking for something

00:33:45.360 deeper than the obvious. Why the obvious is good enough. The obvious is that of course you can take

00:33:52.960 fitness to the extreme. If you're jeopardizing your relationships, jeopardizing your other objectives,

00:33:59.520 jeopardizing work because you're so consumed with being fit and looking good and getting strong.

00:34:05.860 I mean, you could even, uh, you hurt yourself and that's maybe deeper than the obvious is like if

00:34:13.180 you, if you commit yourself and dedicate yourself to fitness and that's all you're doing, you're,

00:34:17.740 you're probably going to overtrain and you might hurt yourself at least in the long run. So you don't

00:34:22.440 need anything deeper than the obvious. There's yes, there's dangers in overtraining. There's dangers

00:34:27.380 in dedicating everything that you have to fitness. It's, it's important that we be, uh, well-rounded

00:34:33.640 individuals. And if it's all about fitness, then you're probably leaving some of that stuff off the

00:34:38.460 table. All right, Todd Anderson. Finally, after eight years of denial, I stepped out and began a PTSD

00:34:46.600 evaluation. Why are men so reluctant to come forward with mental health concerns? Cause they don't want to

00:34:52.760 appear weak. That's it. The reason that men are reluctant to come forward with mental health

00:34:59.240 concerns is because we don't want to appear weak. There's nothing else to it, but there's nothing

00:35:04.380 wrong with fixing yourself either. And there's nothing wrong with getting the help that you need.

00:35:08.200 In fact, that's going to actually make you stronger when you address those things, when you

00:35:13.420 stop living in delusion and you stop pretending that you have everything figured out and you're willing to

00:35:19.060 admit that maybe there's a problem to the appropriate sources. You don't need to come

00:35:24.400 out to everybody and tell them that you have PTSD, but a licensed professional who can help you with

00:35:30.820 these things. Yes, you can do that. There's this really weird trend in society of vulnerability.

00:35:37.540 Vulnerable, vulnerable, vulnerable. No, you need to be, and I don't even consider this a vulnerability,

00:35:43.040 but you need to share what needs to be shared in order to get the help that you need

00:35:47.160 from qualified sources. So if you're just putting things out on the internet about

00:35:51.720 wow, whatever your problems are, I don't know that that's healthy. And many people do it just

00:35:57.480 for the sake of being vulnerable. That's stupid. It's a waste of time. It's inefficient. It's

00:36:02.600 ineffective. And it might actually come back to hurt you because you expose yourself to the wrong

00:36:06.520 people. Don't do that. Figure out what's going on. Be willing to get the help that you need from the

00:36:13.040 qualified people that can actually give you the help that you need and have a purpose for,

00:36:18.000 dare I say, being vulnerable, which I don't like that term. Okay. So I commend you for doing that

00:36:25.480 after eight years. But yes, we don't want to appear weak and anything that would maybe allude to our

00:36:31.800 weakness is something that's hard for us to do. Sean Nunya says, what can we do as a group of men

00:36:37.400 trying to better ourselves or families or countries to fix this political divisiveness? Look, you can only do

00:36:42.400 what you can do. The political divisiveness, it takes two parties to, to, to bicker and, and bitch 1.00

00:36:47.100 and moan about this stuff. So if somebody wants to bicker and be divisive, then I would just say

00:36:52.580 disengage because there's nothing that you're going to do or say that's going to improve the situation.

00:36:57.700 A lot of people just like to be divisive. They like to be polarizing. They like the drama and I don't

00:37:04.180 like the drama. So if somebody is going to get political with me, Oh, and I should say overly

00:37:08.080 political with me or wants to fight about things that I'm not interested in fighting about, I'm just

00:37:12.880 not going to engage. Like you can't, like nothing can chase you if you don't run, right? It's when

00:37:18.460 you run that the thing chases you. It's the same thing in this context. Nobody can argue with you

00:37:23.760 if you don't be argumentative. So if somebody begins to argue with you, uh, then it's not grounded

00:37:31.180 or, or it's not respectful or intelligent, then just don't argue back. And that's how you fix the

00:37:36.980 divisiveness. And then you also be an example in your family, in your community, your country,

00:37:42.160 like you're talking about here. You know, I, I can't tell you how many people that I've talked

00:37:46.300 with who had judgments about who I was because the way I talked or the things I believed or the way

00:37:51.840 that I looked. And then when you talk with these individuals and you have a sincere, intelligent

00:37:55.580 discussion with them, things change. And I've got friends who are gay. I've got friends who, uh, 0.64

00:38:02.440 are, are, are liberal and even, you know, more left leaning. Like I have those types of friends

00:38:08.320 because we don't necessarily have to talk about this. And we know each other. We know that we're

00:38:13.620 good people, regardless of what it is we decide to do in our lives and how we live it and what we

00:38:19.200 think about the world. And ultimately I think most people want the same thing. We want to be fulfilled.

00:38:23.820 We want some, some love in our life. Uh, we want some money in the bank account. We want some

00:38:28.160 experiences. We want to chase meaningful hobbies and activities. And regardless of what political

00:38:34.980 side of the aisle that you sit on, like that's what everybody wants. So let's have some more

00:38:39.480 serious discussions. Andy Seelick again says, when am I bringing back the original order of man

00:38:44.420 stickers? So the original order of man sticker is the circle and it's got the axes and the O and the M

00:38:48.680 the newer one has on the outer ring, protect, provide, preside. I think I've told you this Andy

00:38:53.740 on the original order of man stickers. If you take, like you take the stick, the decal and you

00:39:00.280 only stick on there, the circle and the axes, and don't stick on the protect, provide, preside and

00:39:05.480 outer circle. It is the original sticker. So you can buy the new one and turn it into the original

00:39:09.440 one. All right. This is a long one. Chuck Smalley. How are we doing on time, by the way? Oh, we're good.

00:39:15.180 We've got about 40 minutes into this thing. Chuck Smalley. How in the world can I approach this? If I want

00:39:20.700 to advance a relationship, dating a woman who's raising a son, 12 years old, he hits her, yells

00:39:26.900 at her, interrupts her when she's talking, makes all the rules for her to follow, makes, I'll keep

00:39:32.300 reading, but I've already got some thoughts on this, makes the rules for her to follow, makes her clean 1.00

00:39:37.780 up everything after him, dinner plates, clothes, literally everything and gives him, and she gives

00:39:41.880 him everything. Never yells at him, still allows him to sleep in bed with her and so on. I think you get

00:39:46.020 the picture. Even the boy's therapist has told mom she's harming him and doing him wrong.

00:39:49.980 She refused to accept it and allows him to rule the roost. I try to stay clear, but when

00:39:54.360 I'm around, I refuse to accept these actions and behaviors, obviously causing some stress.

00:39:58.420 I've already raised two successful children on my own. So it's not like I'm new to this.

00:40:02.520 Don't do it. Chuck, brother, don't do it. The kid obviously has some problems. Mom's obviously

00:40:12.380 got some problems too. And you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. I'm just telling

00:40:16.920 you right now, you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt. She's, she's not, she doesn't have

00:40:22.180 a healthy view of relationships, which not, it was probably not only her son, but it could potentially

00:40:28.000 be you as well. I realize that you say you want to advance in this relationship. Look, there's deal

00:40:32.920 breakers. There's deal breakers. And for what it's worth, in my opinion, if this were me, this is a

00:40:38.880 deal breaker. She's, she does not have a healthy approach to relationships. You're going to get sucked 1.00

00:40:44.440 into this. You're going to try to discipline him. She's going to get mad at you for disciplining him. 0.95

00:40:48.760 He's going to hate you. She's going to hate you. And then it's going to end two, five, 10 years from

00:40:54.260 now, when you could have just ended it to begin with, this is not a healthy thing. And she's not

00:40:59.920 approaching it healthily. And, and I don't know the entire situation. Sounds like she's seeing a

00:41:05.060 therapist or at least having the kids see a therapist, but she's not taking the advice. It sounds like,

00:41:09.820 so if this is what you're telling me, my advice is you ought to consider cutting ties.

00:41:15.280 All right, John Wayne Mullins, have you assessed and addressed yourself image? He's got a, he's got

00:41:21.460 an image here of the law of the mirror, which I am not familiar with. So I'm not going to answer that

00:41:28.340 because I don't want to speak from ignorance. Um, but so I don't know if he's talking about a specific

00:41:33.600 exercise. How have I assessed or address myself image? It's just something I'm aware of. How do I come

00:41:39.060 across? How do people see me? Um, there's books that I've read on it. Uh, what Sally Hogshead has

00:41:44.200 a book. Um, I can't remember what it's called right off hand, but she talks about how you're

00:41:48.060 perceived by other people and there's personality tests that you can take. And so I've done all that,

00:41:52.680 um, for what it's worth. I don't know if there's something specific that you're asking about my own

00:41:57.360 self image or a certain process that maybe you use, but that's what I've done. Brandon Burroughs as a

00:42:04.280 husband. Uh, it is my responsibility to make, excuse me, let me start over as a husband.

00:42:09.200 Is it my responsibility to make sure my wife is happy all the time? Or is it my wife's responsibility 1.00

00:42:14.720 to herself? What is happy? What does that mean? Like what, what would make her happy? Right? So

00:42:22.180 depending on that question or that the answer to that question, I think would give you a better answer,

00:42:27.700 but generally, no, it's not your responsibility to make her happy. Like you can't make somebody feel

00:42:35.180 anything. You can't make her be happy. You can't make her be sad. You can't make her be angry. You

00:42:40.480 can't make her experience an emotion. You can do things that might potentially lead to her being happy

00:42:48.360 or lead to her being frustrated. But if you're just trying to make her happy, like, what does that,

00:42:53.940 what does that even mean? I mean, would she be happy if you bought her a diamond necklace?

00:42:57.980 Probably. So should you buy her a diamond necklace? I don't know. Depends on your situation

00:43:03.200 or, or how many diamond necklaces are you going to buy her? Are you going to buy her something

00:43:07.980 every time she feels bad? Like, I don't know her situation, but I mean, I think we inherently know

00:43:12.640 that it's not your job to make people happy. Um, it's your job to create an environment in which

00:43:19.140 she can thrive. And that might lead to fulfillment, joy, satisfaction, and happiness,

00:43:24.180 but she's got a part to play in it. And so do you, your job is to create the environment,

00:43:30.200 to be influential, to lead yourself and to lead your family, including her. Now, if she's going

00:43:35.580 to be happy or not, that's on her. And you can't determine that Ben Gallup. Oops. Let me switch

00:43:42.120 away here. There we go. Uh, where do you see yourself in 10 years and order of man in 10 years,

00:43:46.940 20 years, like many popular podcasts, you've obtained a, an amount of celebrity that's likely

00:43:51.840 to affect your future. I've been listening to such podcasts lately and wondering to myself where the

00:43:55.680 podcasters will ultimately go from here. Will some just disappear? Do they have a plan? That's why I'm

00:44:00.260 asking. Yeah. A lot of them will disappear. A lot of these podcasters will just disappear just like

00:44:04.360 anything else. And a lot of them will evolve. And that's my plan to evolve. What is that going to

00:44:08.900 look like in 10 years? I don't know. I don't know if you would have asked me six years ago,

00:44:13.360 if I'd be podcasting and living in Maine and reaching millions of men through the words that

00:44:17.880 we share, I would say you're insane. There's no way because it wasn't available. So I don't know

00:44:23.280 what technology is out there, but I will say I'm open to new ideas. I'm open to new insights.

00:44:28.100 I'm open to evolving and new ideas and technologies that are going to be available. And will it be order

00:44:34.500 of man? I mean, I think, but it could be something completely different. So I don't plan out my 10 or 20

00:44:41.140 years. I just know I want to continue to evolve. Simon Sinek has some great information in start

00:44:46.540 with why. So if you look at his circle, you can just Google this. If you're not familiar with it,

00:44:51.220 it's like a circle. Like it looks like a target and inside it says, start with why. And then I believe

00:44:56.860 it says how is next. So you have why, how, and then what, so your, what can change, right? If I want

00:45:05.920 to impact men and I want to help men become better fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders,

00:45:10.260 et cetera. Well, that might be my, my why, why is that important to me? Because I grew up without a

00:45:17.520 father figure in my life. And I feel like if I would have had that, I would have had a better,

00:45:20.780 better advantage. I look around and I see other boys growing up with dads. I see men who are broken.

00:45:26.000 They're miserable. They're depressed. They're, they're suicidal. They're sedated. And I've been there.

00:45:32.280 I don't want men to experience that. That's my why. How right now is how I'm going to solve it is by

00:45:38.600 giving you the conversations, the tools, the resources, the discussions, introductions to

00:45:43.620 other, other successful men. So you can learn from, and then the, what is order of man. We do

00:45:48.700 all of that through the order of man funnel. My why will probably always be that or contain an element

00:45:56.040 of that, how I do it and what exactly we're doing to achieve the why might vary depending on the

00:46:01.820 situation, technology, resources, et cetera, et cetera. Chris Coker says, how do I talk to my 13

00:46:10.100 year old son about becoming a man? What do I talk about? I'm thinking about during a backpacking

00:46:15.700 fishing trip or something along those lines. Chris, I got to commend you that you're thinking

00:46:19.220 about this. This is very, very powerful. Um, I wish you would have started a little bit earlier

00:46:23.520 because 13 is, but look, you're starting now. So that's great. When's, when's the best time

00:46:28.760 to start earlier? When's the next best time right now. So I commend you. And maybe you have,

00:46:34.800 I won't say that you haven't, maybe you've already been talking about these things, you know, 13 years

00:46:38.580 old. I definitely think you're going to be talking about attraction to girls. Uh, he's probably already

00:46:43.100 attracted girls and you've had some of these conversations. If you haven't had the birds and

00:46:46.720 the bees or some element of it, like you need to start having those conversations, definitely

00:46:51.280 pornography, uh, drug use and abuse, uh, being influenced by your peers, start thinking about the

00:46:57.960 future and what your son might want to do. I mean, this look five years away, he's gone and that

00:47:03.800 comes very, very quickly. So really think about what he might be experiencing now and how a man

00:47:10.480 handles those things. Talk about what it means to be a man. As I have these conversations with my son,

00:47:15.140 I talk about a man's role and job is to be a protector, a provider, a presider. And then we break

00:47:20.260 each one of those down and we talk about what that looks like and what we can do and what activities

00:47:24.980 that we can engage in. And all the conversations that we have are framed around how to be a better

00:47:31.720 man. And you're going to know based on his maturity level, where he's at and what kind of conversations

00:47:35.840 you should have. But ultimately I would think about what he's experiencing right now as a 13 year old

00:47:41.280 drugs, pornography, girls, potential career, school, peer pressure, fighting. These are all really

00:47:49.780 good conversations to have because that's what he's thinking about at 13 years old. John Moffitt or Moffat

00:47:56.580 Moffitt. He says how to decide between two career paths you're equally passionate about, but both

00:48:03.020 require all of your energy, focus, and attention. I think it'd be easy to say, just pick one. And maybe

00:48:08.560 that's what you need to do. But one exercise that I really like when I'm faced with two decisions or more

00:48:13.400 that are challenging. And I can see myself going either way is we have this beautiful ability to

00:48:18.980 project ourselves out into the future. And that's what I would do. John project yourself out into the

00:48:24.680 future, 20, 30 years from now, in looking back at your life, currently your decision that you need

00:48:31.100 to make today, what decision will you be happy that you made? Now, some guys, when I say that,

00:48:37.320 they're like, well, I don't know. Of course you don't know. Cause we're not there yet. I'm asking you to use

00:48:42.100 your conscious ability to predict what may happen to think about life, what life would look like to

00:48:49.280 envision how this would ultimately look. Yes. You don't have all the variables at your, at your

00:48:55.000 disposal. You don't know all that stuff, but you can consciously make a decision based on what the

00:49:01.340 future you would look like. So again, go out 20 to 30 years from now, look back on your life today

00:49:08.420 and ask yourself, what decision will you be happy that you've made? And when you come to the

00:49:14.520 conclusion, take that path, by the way, you can always change paths. So if you choose this one

00:49:20.600 path and you realize very quickly, or even five years from now, that that wasn't the path for you,

00:49:25.240 you can pivot and that's okay. It's acceptable. In fact, if you find out that that's what you should

00:49:29.740 be doing, then it's encouraged. Sean Wilton. I have a bad habit of saying, I will do things to

00:49:35.160 please. Let's see. Let me start over again. I have had a bad habit of saying, we'll do things to

00:49:40.720 please others. Okay. Have my battle plan in place, but still unsure that when I'm taking

00:49:46.780 Sean, God, you got to clean up this, this grammar here. Cause I'm having a hard time reading this

00:49:51.960 guys, by the way, like I see these questions, like use punctuation, use grammar. I know that

00:49:56.300 we live in the social media world where it's like, I don't know. It's like shorthand, but I can't read

00:50:01.720 this having my battle plan in place, but still unsure that when I'm taking on an activity,

00:50:06.820 if I'm doing it for me or secretly to please others. Okay. How do you know the difference?

00:50:14.080 Thanks Sean from New Zealand. All right. Thanks for the question. Guys, we've got to clean up the

00:50:18.220 grammar stuff like that. I think that I actually think that's really important. I wish more guys

00:50:22.240 would, would do that. And it's, it's pretty amazing when I see some of these questions.

00:50:26.280 All right, Sean, here's, here's how you know the difference, whether or not you're doing it to please

00:50:30.840 others. Uh, what is your motive? Ask yourself, what is your motive? Is this something that you

00:50:36.840 want to do? Do you think this is right? Do you think this is the right course of action?

00:50:42.840 Or do you think this is a please others? By the way, it can be the right course of action

00:50:47.460 and also please others. And it can be the right course of action and not please others.

00:50:51.460 So there might be a correlation there. And just because it happens to be pleasing to other people

00:50:55.900 doesn't mean you're wrong. So ask yourself what is in your best interest? What is in the best

00:51:01.600 interest of the project that you're working on the path that you're pursuing, and then start working

00:51:06.360 towards those things. Place the mission first. If the mission comes first, then the way that you

00:51:13.060 communicate with others is going to vary based on what the objective is in my relationship. For

00:51:18.000 example, my marriage, the mission is to create a happy, thriving, fulfilled relationship.

00:51:23.500 If I do everything for her, about her, please her in every way, is that long-term going to create

00:51:30.780 a healthy relationship? The answer is most certainly no. It might feel like it because she's 0.66

00:51:36.240 going to be happy to that previous question we had about making your wife happy. It might feel like

00:51:40.800 it, but long-term, if you do everything for your wife, it's not sustainable and it's going to create 0.58

00:51:46.640 an unhealthy dynamic. So ask yourself, what is the objective and how do I need to treat people?

00:51:53.500 What activities do I need to engage in? What practices do I need to employ in order to ensure

00:51:58.160 that the objective and the mission is met? All right. I think we're getting close on time here.

00:52:03.600 I think I'm going to take two or three more. Um, Sean, some seminar Tano says, what kind of beard

00:52:09.760 is best? There is no best kind of beard. It's whatever you like. Jason King, will you guys ever put

00:52:16.440 out a work workout routine? The hardest part for me about working out is choosing what to do and when

00:52:22.380 also side note a meal plan? Uh, no, I will likely never put out a work route workout routine. I

00:52:29.480 think there's plenty of stuff. There's plenty of stuff. I mean, you post that in the Facebook group,

00:52:34.480 you find all kinds of questions, all kinds of answers, but no, we, we likely won't do a workout

00:52:38.700 routine. Darren, uh, Bertram, what are your thoughts on, uh, adult ADHD and problems with

00:52:46.240 executive dysfunction? I mean, I know it exists. Um, I, I don't know enough about it. I'm not a

00:52:51.960 medical professional. Uh, but yeah, I think if you have some levels of ADHD, if it's, you know,

00:52:58.220 extreme levels, then you probably ought to get medical attention and help and see if you can

00:53:01.600 regulate some of that. Uh, if it's just that you're hyper and energetic and have some excitement,

00:53:06.960 then do something to figure that out. And I mean, I tend to lean more towards that. I'm passionate.

00:53:10.980 I'm excited. I talk fast. Obviously it's what I'm doing here. Uh, I, I lose focus very quickly

00:53:16.500 and I start to focus on other things. So I just play to it. And I find that are things that are

00:53:20.680 engaging and uplifting and, and, and good for me. And that seems to work. Mark Reeves. We'll take a

00:53:25.040 couple more when, okay. He's he, this is something Mark likes to do. He likes to ask questions that I

00:53:30.540 would not nearly even remotely have the answer to just Google your question, Rick diamond. What are your

00:53:36.600 suggestions? Uh, for those of us trying to create our own men's groups? How should we grow it? Well,

00:53:43.000 let's do what I did. That's very simple. Just, just do what I did. Have, have it revolve around a

00:53:48.060 mission or a purpose or an objective, invite other people, um, be engaged, uh, get the guys asking

00:53:53.460 questions, have them invite their friends, share, share things that are valuable to them. Ask what's

00:53:58.480 important, create solutions. Just do what I did. John Stambo or Stamba, I should say. Hey, Ryan,

00:54:05.240 been looking into growing my tribe and along with, let's see, along with that, looking for mentors.

00:54:10.680 I'm a well-established in my industry, but I want to grow further, both personally and professionally

00:54:15.040 as a seasoned business owner. Where should I look for this type of resource? And I, should I expect

00:54:20.200 to offer payment? Yeah, you should. Uh, you should definitely look into your current sphere. You should

00:54:25.540 look into people who are doing exactly what you want to do. And you should expect to offer payment.

00:54:30.440 If you want somebody to mentor you or coach you. Yeah, that's what you should do. I get emails

00:54:35.760 every single day from guys. Will you mentor me? Will you coach me guys? Like that's what the podcast

00:54:40.760 is. That's what the Facebook group is. I wrote a book. I've got the videos. I mean, there's so much

00:54:45.180 information out there. I'm not going to just mentor, I'm mentoring you. It's like, it's all there.

00:54:50.220 So use that. If you want individual coaching, then, you know, it's gotta be, it's gotta be fair,

00:54:55.060 which means that I might coach you. If there's compensation for that, if there's exchange of

00:55:00.440 value, your compensation for the value I offer you. So look for people who are doing exactly

00:55:06.940 what you want to do or have produced results for people doing what you want to do and reach out to

00:55:13.140 them. Hey, I see that you've done this. I see that you're having success. I'd like to, I'd like to,

00:55:17.880 uh, get some coaching from you. Do you offer any sort of coaching or mentoring? And what would that

00:55:21.860 look like? Just ask, uh, when I started in the, when I started my podcast, it was a podcast geared

00:55:28.900 towards medical professionals and their financial services. That's my background. And, uh, I reached

00:55:35.580 out to a gentleman by the name of Jeff Rose, because Jeff was doing what I wanted to do. He had a very

00:55:41.200 successful financial planning practice. Then he had a blog and, um, a podcast and YouTube channel.

00:55:47.440 He was doing very, very well. So I reached out to him. I said, Jeff, appreciate what you're doing.

00:55:51.580 I love what you're doing. Um, you're actually on the path that I want to be walking. Uh, would you

00:55:56.200 be available for some coaching? He says, yes, I would. Here's what I charge. Are you interested?

00:56:00.140 I said, yes, I am. Uh, paid him via, I don't know, PayPal or something. And, uh, we sat down for an hour

00:56:06.960 over Skype, I believe. And he walked me through some processes and we did that two or three times.

00:56:11.800 And that was the extent of it. And then I moved on and he's doing his thing and I'm doing mine,

00:56:15.960 but that was very, very valuable for me. And it was, uh, my first, I would say my first

00:56:21.100 real formal, uh, introduction to, to paying for coaching. And it was very, very valuable.

00:56:29.600 All right, let's take a one or two more. I've said that for the last 10 questions now,

00:56:33.360 uh, art Montoya besides burn and learn. Are there any methods to opening up young man's eyes

00:56:39.680 to his dead end partner? Um, I mean, just talk with that. Like if he has a, I'm assuming he has,

00:56:47.660 uh, a significant other who is a bum essentially. Uh, I would just say, just talk with him, be a 1.00

00:56:56.920 friend, you know, unsolicited advice is rarely accepted and enjoyed quite frankly. So yeah,

00:57:06.220 I would say that you probably ought to just be a friend, you know, maybe you don't even have that

00:57:10.580 conversation, but you just be there for him. You talk with him. If he's, if he's open to it,

00:57:14.960 great. Talk more about it. If he closes up, move, change, change directions, just be a friend.

00:57:20.360 Last one here, AJ Jones. How do you often, how often do you try to disconnect from technology

00:57:26.140 since you run a digital company? I'm thinking of starting a digital venture,

00:57:29.780 but wanted to avoid being consumed by social media and whatnot. Well, I try to disconnect in the

00:57:35.260 evenings. And I also try to disconnect in the weekends. A lot of people will reach out on the

00:57:38.680 weekends and then they'll get upset that I don't answer them back within 24 hours. It's like,

00:57:42.440 it's Sunday. I'm not going to, I'm not going to do a bunch of emails and everything else on Sunday.

00:57:47.020 So you just wait for tomorrow. Uh, outside of that, create solid boundaries. Like I try to turn

00:57:51.960 my phone off. I try not to check my computer. Um, I try to hustle and do as much as I possibly can

00:57:57.100 during the workday so that I'm not consumed with thinking about what needs to get done, um,

00:58:01.660 outside of my working hours, whatever those are for you. And just be very, very aware of it.

00:58:07.360 Be keenly aware of what's going on, what's consuming you talk with your wife. She'll tell

00:58:12.420 you if you're being consumed by digital media and technology and your phone and everything else,

00:58:16.780 create those boundaries, have the boundaries in place, and then adhere to them and you'll make

00:58:21.340 it work. All right, guys, I think we went for about an hour. I think we got through, I don't know,

00:58:26.660 probably 20, 20 plus questions. So I really appreciate the questions. Very thoughtful today.

00:58:31.660 Hope you enjoyed the answers. I hope they serve you and help you in some way. Um, we've got a lot

00:58:35.660 more questions here, so we'll be answering those next week. Yeah, I've got a ton more. Um, like I

00:58:41.140 said, we'll be answering those next week. Uh, and, uh, glad that you're banded with us. Join the

00:58:46.300 Facebook group. Uh, consider joining our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. That's going to be a

00:58:51.820 powerful resource for you as well. You can do that at order of man.com slash iron council.

00:58:56.460 If you want to support us and shop for stuff, then go to store.orderofman.com, including this hat.

00:59:03.980 This is our brand new hat. Uh, and it's done very, very well. We have two color iterations,

00:59:07.700 this one and a blue one. So go check those out. Store.orderofman.com. All right, guys,

00:59:12.480 thanks for being in the battle and the fight with me. Uh, we will be back on Friday for our asking

00:59:16.540 Friday field notes. Until then, go out there, take action, become a man. Thank you for listening

00:59:23.280 to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you

00:59:28.320 were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - December 18, 2019

Disciplining Your Children, Developing a Healthy Ego, and Getting What You Want ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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