Order of Man - Diversity is Not Necessarily Strength, Overcoming Childhood Trauma, and Managing Your Own Expectations ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.020 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.040 Kip, what's up, man? It's good to see you.

00:00:26.380 I think it's been, what, two or three weeks since we did one of these actually together?

00:00:31.600 Actually, it's been three because I went solo. You went solo twice.

00:00:35.700 And I just got to say my numbers are better than yours. Just throwing that out there.

00:00:39.280 I'm not going to confirm that or show you any graphs or charts to back any of that up.

00:00:43.120 But just know I'm telling you the truth.

00:00:45.580 I would assume that we're doing it together again for a reason.

00:00:48.600 So I'm just going to leave it there.

00:00:52.280 Fair. Good point.

00:00:53.800 I guess if mine were better, I wouldn't have invited you back.

00:00:57.620 Yeah. I'll be like, that's weird. He's ghosting me. He just stopped replying to my text messages.

00:01:03.700 It's definitely, you know, I do that solo show on Friday, which is fine. I don't mind that. I've

00:01:10.680 never been at a loss for words, but it's definitely different doing the ask me anything running solo.

00:01:16.520 It's better with another person to bounce ideas and thoughts.

00:01:19.060 For sure. Maybe sometimes we, we, I don't think we ever conflict, but I think we come from it at a different angle.

00:01:26.080 And, and that's really valuable. Not only for me, but I think for the guys that are listening to.

00:01:29.640 Well, and what I appreciate is you always answer them.

00:01:32.800 So I get this, I get this, like I get to sound smart, you know, just riding down your coattails going, oh yeah.

00:01:39.940 And I would add this meaning, but with like reality, I would have never came up with the first response anyway.

00:01:45.900 So you would have, I listened to the one you ran solo and, and some of the others and you do a great

00:01:52.240 job, man. You do a great job. I appreciate it. But, but still, I mean, it's, it is easier to hear

00:01:57.540 someone else respond to a question than add to it. I mean, that's just for sure. I think about that.

00:02:02.620 Even when I have guests on, I don't over-prepare to have guests on. I read their book. If they have a

00:02:08.440 book, we just had Matthew McConaughey. I just recorded a podcast with him.

00:02:11.340 That's awesome. I didn't do any, oh, it was amazing. It was amazing. And, and I even told

00:02:16.400 him, I said, look, man, I was really skeptical about your book and even doing this podcast.

00:02:21.660 It was, it was incredible, but I try not to over-prepare for those things. I read his book.

00:02:27.440 Actually, I listened to his book, which was better, I think, than even reading it. Cause he narrated

00:02:31.800 himself and did a phenomenal job on that. But yeah, I don't want to over-prepare for these things.

00:02:37.120 I just want to have like, be really curious and interested and not be over-prepared and overly

00:02:43.620 scripted for these things. So, I mean, there's, there's value in a lot of different ways, but

00:02:48.540 on the same note of podcasting, I mentioned to you, or at least you saw, cause we haven't talked

00:02:54.440 for a while that Brecken and I, my oldest son and I are starting our own pod. Well, I should say our,

00:03:01.220 not our, his own podcast. I'm going to co-host with him initially just to get his feet under him a

00:03:06.860 little bit, but yeah, we're really excited. We just secured the domain name. He paid about

00:03:12.200 a hundred times more than what I paid for my domain name when I started.

00:03:17.940 And when I say he, it's he paid for it.

00:03:21.700 Cause it was taken or because he didn't know where to buy it.

00:03:25.620 No, it was, it was taken, it was taken, but somebody had scooped up the domain name

00:03:32.780 and wanted to sell it. Uh, but it's a great domain name. It's called man in the making

00:03:37.700 and, uh, perfect. That's awesome. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the first time I've,

00:03:44.020 I've said what it is. Uh, yeah. So that the whole concept behind the podcast is that him

00:03:49.460 and I are going to be having conversations about drugs and alcohol and pornography and the birds and

00:03:56.400 the bees and growing and getting stronger and every conversation that a father would have with his

00:04:02.240 son. Yeah. So that men who have boys roughly in that age category in that age group might have a

00:04:09.120 little bit of fodder to have those own conversations with their sons. And then once he gets his feet

00:04:14.060 under him, we've got an incredible network of men, guys like Jocko and Steve Rinella and Anthony

00:04:20.860 Frisilla. So eventually what I'd like to do is move into a place where he's going to be

00:04:26.700 interviewing these guys by himself for 20 to 25 minutes and asking them from a perspective of what

00:04:34.200 as a young man, should I be learning as I transition into manhood and go out on my own? So yeah, it's

00:04:40.960 going to be rad. I'm really excited. So the audience, the primary audience being really his audience.

00:04:46.140 No, not necessarily like younger, younger boys. That'll be a big part of it. I see it being 50,

00:04:52.220 50. Cause what I'm seeing is as my boy, he's 13. Now he gets older. I'm not as cool. And I'm,

00:05:00.980 I'm, I'm not up as high on the food chain maybe as I once was in his eyes, right? Because he's trying

00:05:06.920 to get independence and he gets a little mouthy at times because he's testing. Or he just gets to know

00:05:11.180 you that too. I wasn't going to say that. So thanks for bringing that up. He realizes what

00:05:16.860 I'm really about. I can't fool him anymore into thinking I'm, I'm better than I really am.

00:05:22.900 Yeah. But, uh, yeah, you know, it's, I think when you, when you have boys that start to get to that

00:05:28.720 age, it gets to the point where maybe dad's words don't carry as much weight as they once did. And it's

00:05:35.800 more about, Hey, what do my buddies think? Or what are these, these guys that I really idolize or

00:05:40.300 respect think? And if we can create an outlet where young men don't have to listen completely

00:05:47.020 to their fathers or completely to me, and they don't resonate with me and instead listen to one

00:05:51.460 of their peers, my son, I feel like it might give them a new perspective that they wouldn't maybe

00:05:58.240 listen to as much as if it came directly from their father. So, so there's two audiences. So it's,

00:06:04.460 it's his age group. He's 13. So I see it really appealing to somebody between a boy between the ages

00:06:09.200 of eight to maybe 15, 16, somewhere in there. Uh, and then the other audience is guys who already

00:06:15.100 tune into the order man podcast, but they have sons, whether it's, I'm becoming a first time

00:06:20.060 father or my son is leaving the nest or he's 13 and I need to figure out how to preparing to have a

00:06:25.900 young man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's really two demographics that, that will, that will

00:06:32.700 hit and we'll see how it goes, but regardless of what happens and I have very high expectations for what

00:06:38.320 we're going to be able to put together, uh, it's going to be a great opportunity because at, at worst

00:06:43.420 we're documenting our conversations. So if I'm ever gone like Brecken, we'll always have the

00:06:48.360 opportunity to look at our conversations, hear our conversations. They'll all be recorded for

00:06:53.660 time and eternity. Yeah. I like it. Yeah, man. I like it. So that's cool. He's killing it, man.

00:07:02.000 Yeah. He's so good to say the least. It's unbelievable. He's, he's, he's been, uh, doing 0.68

00:07:09.040 some, uh, strength training and, and, uh, he's packing on the muscle and it's pretty crazy. I'm

00:07:16.660 like, who is this kid? It's unbelievable to see. Anyways, enough of that. Let's get into the

00:07:21.100 conversation today. We, we really want to make this about the guys, not about what we're doing. So

00:07:25.140 let's answer some questions. I think these ones came from Facebook, uh, and, uh, let's just dive right

00:07:30.200 into it. Yeah. Yeah. To join us on Facebook, go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.

00:07:36.540 All right. Our first question, Steven Zeller, how do you come up with great ideas for your Friday

00:07:41.440 field notes week after week? What's your creative process? It's just, it's just a matter of being

00:07:48.600 observant. I mean, that's really all it is. I can look in the Facebook group and Instagram,

00:07:53.920 uh, and podcasts that have done very well in the past and really start to develop some

00:07:59.900 themes and some, some, uh, some lines. I'm going to grab something. Yeah. So I've also got my phone

00:08:06.180 and what I do when I come across these, uh, these points that I hear over and over and over again,

00:08:12.760 I think, okay, well, this is probably a good topic. I'm just pulling this up here, a good topic for

00:08:19.440 Friday field notes. So I've got notes right here of all the potential Friday field notes that I could

00:08:25.820 talk about. So you can see, and I've got spam coming in. Let me delete that, but you can see,

00:08:30.700 I've got about 30 plus, maybe even more potential podcast episodes. This is random. I'm working out.

00:08:38.680 Oh, I got a good subject. And then you're just dot jotting it down in the phone.

00:08:43.960 And that's something I've actually been doing for years and years, probably a decade at this point,

00:08:47.780 when I have thoughts and ideas, I write it down because I got so frustrated with having this idea.

00:08:52.380 And I'm like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll deal with that later. Whether it's a shopping list or a

00:08:56.420 parts list or ideas for a Friday field notes or things I needed to do around the house or things

00:09:01.640 I needed to buy on Amazon or whatever it was. I'm like, I'll remember that. And then I would never

00:09:06.240 remember it. And, and so I, I just, I created a folder on my, on my phone and I've got, uh, potential

00:09:17.920 taglines, shirt concepts, lessons for my son group posts that I could make, uh, Friday field notes,

00:09:26.500 ideas, monthly topics in the iron council. I mean, I've got topic after topic, after topic,

00:09:31.400 after topic, because I will just forget this, uh, potential podcast guests on here. I've got a lot

00:09:38.860 of, a lot of things on this notepad and it's served me very, very well to have this year.

00:09:43.440 Yeah. And that's why he puts it on an Android because he wants to ensure that it stays safe and

00:09:49.020 secure. No, just, just sit in silence. There's problems with both. Look, if we're going to get

00:10:00.620 into the computer debate here. So, so I use Apple devices and let's just talk about computers for a

00:10:08.780 minute. We were talking about this earlier, Apple devices. These people are too smart for their own

00:10:14.480 good and they get in their own way. PCs are a pile of shit. They just break down and they don't work 1.00

00:10:24.680 and they don't function. They're cheaper, but they just like, I've got, I don't know if I've got a

00:10:29.840 Dell or an HP, I've got something in the store. Cause, and I bought it because it was cheaper

00:10:34.120 and it does what it needs to do, but it loads slow. It bogs down. I get a bunch of notifications

00:10:41.880 about my virus protection and emails and sign up for this and sign up for that. I'm like,

00:10:46.660 isn't there, there's gotta be a better solution. We need a third solution. It's, it's, it's like,

00:10:53.020 it's like politics. You know, you've got Democrats and Republicans and we need a third solution here

00:10:59.840 because it's both shitty. So that's where I am. Next Friday, Phil, no Mac versus PC by Ryan 0.97

00:11:08.680 Mickler. Neither, neither. I'm not satisfied with either. There's gotta be a better solution.

00:11:16.900 Yeah. This is where the nerds come out of the closet and they start. Bring it on. They'll start 0.99

00:11:21.260 sending you messages. Like it's Linux and Linux, you need to switch to Linux. Yeah. People will call me

00:11:27.240 like, can I build you a custom computer? Which I'm like, sounds pretty enticing, but then it's

00:11:31.380 like, won't work with anything. Yeah. Or if you need help on it, it's like, yeah, now I got to call

00:11:36.760 you back. All right. I'm, I'm teasing. I shouldn't joke around so much. You're not teasing. You're

00:11:41.800 serious. A little bit. I just don't want to rat hole on it. All right. So those were my, that's where

00:11:48.300 my inspiration for Friday field notes comes from. I might see a billboard or I might have a conversation

00:11:52.880 or I might see something on the Facebook group and I'm like, cool. Yeah. That's a good idea that

00:11:57.440 something needs to be addressed, write it down. And I also try to stay up to date with current events.

00:12:04.380 Like I don't want to be, this is a, there's a fine line between, especially in this day and age of like

00:12:10.960 being inundated and consumed with information and then just being informed.

00:12:16.400 Hmm. If people, a lot of times will say, well, I want to be well-informed. That's why I watch Fox

00:12:21.880 and CNN and all these outlets. And I think, golly, it's just, you're not being very deliberate and

00:12:26.580 intentional about that. I think there are ways for you to be informed, but to curate it and be

00:12:30.960 intentional about it. So you don't need to get inundated with absolutely everything because I

00:12:35.420 don't need to know everything. If I'm listening to CNN or Fox, Fox is probably guilty of this more than

00:12:40.360 anybody else, especially on Instagram, they'll post something about, uh, I don't even know things.

00:12:46.700 Things I don't even care about. I'm like, well, this isn't newsworthy. I don't care that a guy

00:12:52.240 saved a dog in Kentucky. Like I, that, that doesn't matter. That's not relevant. I mean,

00:12:58.080 congratulations. That's good, but I don't care. And yet we get inundated and bogged down with this

00:13:03.640 stuff. So we just need to be a little bit more intentional and deliberate about how we're spending our

00:13:07.680 time and where we're consuming our information from. Yeah. All right, Josh, let me actually,

00:13:14.000 let me pause. So, I mean, some guys might be listening to this and say, well, this is great

00:13:18.780 information, but I don't do podcasts. So not applicable. And I just want to clarify, Ryan,

00:13:24.520 you would probably follow this process period because you might have a conversation of, you know,

00:13:30.600 I need to bring that up with my son or, Oh, I have a date night idea with my wife, or I should be

00:13:35.560 doing this around the house. Like this is a process that you follow just to stay on top of the things

00:13:40.420 that you should, should be doing and capturing it so you can act on it later. Yeah. This isn't only

00:13:46.180 just for content. This is to organize my life. So if I need to, if we're going on vacation and I need

00:13:53.460 to pick something up, write it down. If I have a to-do list and I need to get things done, document

00:13:59.400 those, write them down. If I need a parts list, cause we're working on the canoe or another project,

00:14:03.200 write it down in its own category. So yeah, this isn't just about content creation. It's about

00:14:08.500 life organization and efficiency. Like I want to get shit done. And if I just let it bounce around 0.99

00:14:16.120 up here in my brain, I'm going to get some of it done, but I'm going to forget most of it because

00:14:20.620 I get busy and just like you guys do. So it's just, it's just an organizational framework,

00:14:25.600 a process that I use.

00:14:26.720 Copy. All right. All right. Kevin Cope, I've heard you talk about imposter syndrome.

00:14:34.160 When you first started out, how did you handle that as you were developing your expertise?

00:14:39.540 I mean, this is very simple. I never pretended to be something that I wasn't. And I still don't.

00:14:44.520 I talk about my failures and my shortcomings and how I don't have things figured out and how I want 0.82

00:14:49.520 to get better on what I'm working on and what I suck at. I've never put myself on some pedestal.

00:14:55.760 I don't belong. I'll say it this way. I've done that in the past and it's never gone well.

00:15:00.720 So guys, I'm not the epitome of masculinity. I'm not in the best shape. I'm not the smartest. I'm

00:15:05.760 not the most well-connected. I'm not always patient or even all that kind, frankly, to my children and

00:15:10.760 wife at times. I'm trying to figure this stuff out as well. So we have this really interesting

00:15:17.380 phenomenon where we have access to millions and millions and millions of people. And we can put on

00:15:23.600 the show and create a persona about who we are. You know, I think about that with Jake and Logan

00:15:29.340 Paul, for example, these guys are doing interesting things. Very fascinating. Very interesting.

00:15:35.540 You know, is that what he made on the fight? Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. So very interesting.

00:15:40.220 But it's a show, right? And you got to know it's a show. You can still be entertained. I'm not saying

00:15:48.300 that. You can still be entertained, but it is a show. And we can use social media as a show to put

00:15:55.160 on this entertainment for people. But if that's not really you, then you're going to feel like an

00:16:02.340 imposter, of course, because you're acting like an imposter. So when I started Order of Man, I never

00:16:06.460 said, I've got this all figured out. Listen to me. I'm going to give you all the answers. Even now,

00:16:10.880 when we do the ask me anything, I tell you guys, and I'm halfway joking, we'll give you moderate,

00:16:16.120 mediocre answers to your powerful questions. That's true. We don't have everything figured out. So if

00:16:23.760 you want to overcome imposter syndrome, stop acting like a fake and stop pretending you're better than

00:16:28.200 you are and just be real about who you are. I had a, well, a friend and mentor, Sean Whalen said,

00:16:35.000 that one of the things he says is your mess is your message. And I took that to heart. The things

00:16:39.720 that I'm messy with, the things that I'm not good at, the pitfalls and the problems I've had in my

00:16:44.580 past, that's the message. It's not that I'm perfect and I have everything figured out. It's that I've

00:16:50.180 overcome some of this stuff and I'm still working on other stuff. So if you want to overcome

00:16:55.480 quote unquote imposter syndrome, simple, don't be an imposter, period, full stop, the end.

00:17:02.420 Yeah. Well, and I think that's what makes you relatable, Ryan. And I think the other thing

00:17:08.000 that comes to mind is, and I'm sure this has happened to you. It certainly happened to me a

00:17:12.840 lot of times where I've put someone on a pedestal and I've, and they, they were that for me. They're

00:17:18.020 like this perfect example of something. And then once I got to know them, I was like, oh, like they

00:17:25.840 actually are relatable, but they don't present themselves as relatable. Or I put them so much on a

00:17:31.300 pedestal that I couldn't relate to them. And so even guys that come across, I think of like almost

00:17:37.140 unrelatable to us, they actually are, you're just not seeing it, or you don't know them well enough

00:17:42.920 to actually see them as the human being that they are actually are. Some, some of them, you know,

00:17:48.040 some, I agree with you on some of them and others I know for a fact are putting on a show.

00:17:54.280 Yeah. Yeah. Or I've seen it. Yeah. Or I was going to say some of them are just on a different level.

00:18:01.160 Like, well, let me ask you this, like David Goggins and Jocko, you know, in your conversations with

00:18:08.240 them, did they seem more human as, as you've gotten to know them or were they still like,

00:18:15.840 no, you're still just a whole other level. No, look, you know, look, I don't put, I stopped putting

00:18:22.160 men on pedestals a long time ago. And maybe that's a luxury of the position that I'm in where I've had

00:18:30.020 conversations with some of these men who seem untouchable. Yeah. They're, they're not that.

00:18:37.320 Yeah. Okay. Jocko is extremely disciplined. Goggins is extremely disciplined. A bunch of these guys are

00:18:42.820 extremely disciplined and there's other facets of life. They would readily admit that they're still

00:18:46.820 working on. So yeah, they're human. You know, they're really good at this one thing. And some

00:18:53.840 other guys, I think the two, you mentioned Jocko and Goggins are actually pretty real, but there's

00:18:59.080 other guys who put on this persona. So don't bank on it. Yeah. That that's what we need to be careful

00:19:06.680 of. Don't bank on it. You know, if you're inspired by Jocko or Goggins or Andy Frisilla or whoever

00:19:14.560 be inspired and motivated by them, but don't bank on them, bank on yourself. Yeah. And then you'll

00:19:25.220 never be let down. You know, we look, we've had, we've had guys and we've seen it over the past five

00:19:32.500 years, guys that, you know, professional athletes, movie stars who have, have gotten in some, into some

00:19:37.520 sort of scandal or problem. And you think, oh, this guy, like, oh no, I'm let down. Well, yeah, because

00:19:42.680 you placed an unrealistic expectation on that guy. And that's not to excuse their behavior.

00:19:47.620 It's they're not gods. They're just human beings. And so just glean what information you can like

00:19:54.840 Tom Brady. Let's take Tom Brady. I don't know Tom Brady. He seems like he's a decent guy. He seems

00:20:00.280 like he loves his wife. He cares about his family. He's an incredible athlete. The end. I don't know

00:20:07.240 if he's into drugs. I don't know if he's into strippers. I don't know if he's into hookers. I have no

00:20:10.600 idea. Yeah. But, but I am inspired by his work ethic. I'm inspired that he seems to be a family

00:20:17.400 man. Somebody who cares about his kids. I'm inspired by that. I think that's great. And that causes me

00:20:21.960 to be a better person. But if ever something came out and, and he wasn't the guy everybody thought he

00:20:26.400 was like, I'm not disappointed because I don't know. I don't know what he's about. All I get to see is

00:20:31.940 this little snippet of his life and I take it for what it's worth. And like the rest, I'm like, I can't

00:20:36.760 control the other 80% or 90 or 99% that I can't see, but I'll be motivated by the 1%. And that's

00:20:41.520 enough for me. Yeah. Versus the average person paints this entire persona around who he is as

00:20:47.100 an individual based upon how he plays football. Yeah. Or how he posts things on Instagram. Yeah.

00:20:54.380 Yeah, totally. All right. Josh McDavid, what's the best way to get out of a slump? Depression can

00:21:01.620 and depression can be self-perpetuating in that you feel lack of motivation and drive due to

00:21:07.080 depression. And yet you are depressed because of the lack of motivation and drive. Yeah. How does

00:21:11.980 one get out of this loop? I would say there's three things. Number one, mix it up. Sometimes when

00:21:17.840 you're in a rut, it's because you've worn down that rut in, in the dirt road. And that's just what you

00:21:22.480 slip into. Think about this. You're, you've got an old country dirt road, you drive down that thing

00:21:27.220 every day and everything just seems fine. And then there's a big rainstorm and there's one

00:21:32.600 asshole who decides to go through the dirt road in the rain and creates this huge rut. And then 0.99

00:21:37.740 what happens? It dries out. And then that rut is, is basically, uh, stuck there. It's like frozen

00:21:47.220 there in that rut. It's there and everybody slips into it. It's a real bitch to drive through. And 1.00

00:21:53.120 everybody gets pissed off at the one a-hole who decided to drive his truck through the thing. Well, 1.00

00:21:57.340 that's you. You're the a-hole. Okay. You're the one that drove it through. And now it's so you're 1.00

00:22:02.640 so used to it. You're so accustomed to that rut being in there and you're falling into that thing

00:22:07.460 because it's really easy to just to do that, to go that route. And sometimes what we need to do is

00:22:14.100 we just need to mix it up. We need to throw an entire wrench in the system. And I'm not telling you

00:22:18.700 to be reckless and I'm not telling you to be stupid. I'm not telling you to abdicate your 1.00

00:22:21.560 responsibilities. I'm saying, just throw a wrench in the system. Say yes to something you normally

00:22:25.680 wouldn't say yes to. Go on an adventure, take a risk, go on a vacation, try something new,

00:22:31.220 pick up a new hobby, uh, make a new friendship, pick up a new, uh, skill. Just throw a wrench in

00:22:37.880 the system and just see what it's like. You don't need to continue to go down that path, but sometimes

00:22:41.840 just jerking on the wheel hard enough will pop you up out of that rut and give you a perspective.

00:22:46.400 You can't see when you're down in the trenches stuck in that, that, that pit. So that that's

00:22:51.860 number one, do, do something completely different. Uh, I would say outside of that, you know, just,

00:22:58.220 just figure out, try to understand and unpack and uncover why you're feeling the way you are.

00:23:06.460 You know, if emotions are very good, there's this, this trend where everybody's like, oh,

00:23:11.880 you shouldn't be emotional and show no emotion. No guys, nobody's talking about it like this.

00:23:19.280 And there there's a spectrum of the conversation I'm about to have with you. One is like, don't

00:23:24.380 give your emotions any credibility. And the other end of the spectrum is share everything and be fluffy

00:23:31.460 and happy and wonderful. No, both are wrong. There's a middle ground. And it seems like you

00:23:37.860 and I can't, are the only ones talking about the middle ground. Okay. And the middle ground is this

00:23:41.320 understand your emotions, be in touch with them, be in tune with them, figure them out

00:23:49.480 so that you can create a positive course of action. It's not vulnerable for the sake of being

00:23:56.360 vulnerable and it's not completely shut off to emotion. It's a factor. I'm pissed, right? You

00:24:02.320 shouldn't be pissed. No, maybe you should actually be pissed, but maybe more than that, you should

00:24:06.740 figure out why you're pissed off, man. What is wrong? You're in a slump. Why, what is going on in

00:24:13.200 your life right now? Is your marriage on the rocks? Are you not satisfied with your, your career? Are you

00:24:19.540 30 or 40 pounds overweight? Uh, are you getting, you know, declined and turned down for promotions or dates?

00:24:25.900 Like, why are you in a slump? And then once you figure out what the culprit might be, then we use

00:24:33.520 the battle planner or some other tool to come up with a plan of action that will put us in a better

00:24:41.820 position than we do or after action review. And we figure out if that's working or not working and we

00:24:46.120 adjust as needed, but I think we need to do a better job getting to the root. And especially as men

00:24:53.360 telling ourselves that it's okay to experience emotion, it's just not okay to react solely on

00:25:01.700 emotion. Yeah. We should use it as a consideration and then we make better decisions moving forward.

00:25:09.620 Yeah. And what I hate about that mentality of like, don't have emotions. That's, that's complete BS

00:25:16.060 anyway, because it, you are right. Like if I'm pissed, I'm pissed and I can go, Oh, don't be pissed, but I'm

00:25:25.160 still going to be pissed. I may not say something, but I'm walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I'm

00:25:29.860 coming across that way anyway. Like I might as well like evaluate, like what's going on. Why are, why am I

00:25:36.140 feeling this way? One thing that I've done in the past that, that so far has been true. And I don't know if

00:25:42.420 there's a third consideration, but this has worked really well for me that usually if, if there's an

00:25:48.240 upset, if I'm kind of in a slump, I'm depressed or whatever, it's, it's actually always one of three

00:25:53.980 things. Number one, I'm out of integrity. So there's something I'm doing that, that I'm having a conflict

00:26:02.120 with myself about, and I need to correct it. Whether that's stop doing it, resolving something or

00:26:09.920 whatever. Right. So I'm out of integrity. Number two, I'm not expressing something that needs to be

00:26:15.860 expressed. So I'm holding back communication. And probably this is my number one, right? Something

00:26:21.940 rubs me wrong or whatever, and I'm not communicating it to my wife or whoever. And I'm kind of bottling it

00:26:28.840 up. Now this is really, and let me add just a point here. Cause I think this is really critical

00:26:33.500 communicating it isn't lashing out, right? It's, it's not me like, Oh, I'm upset at Ryan. And then

00:26:40.740 so I call up Ryan and go, you're a dick and I'm pissed off because of this. No, no, no. It's Hey, 1.00

00:26:46.280 Ryan, I want to let you know, a little bothered when this occurred. It rubbed. I interpret it as such

00:26:53.080 rub me wrong a little bit. I know I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I just want to let

00:26:57.800 you know, kind of get off my chest a little bit. I could do that without causing a conflict with you,

00:27:03.900 but I was able to express something and give you a heads up that like, Hey, this kind of rubs me

00:27:08.620 wrong a little bit as well. Right. And I might have an ask and say, Hey, if you don't mind,

00:27:12.720 I'd appreciate this or, or whatever, but it's not attacking you. It's me taking ownership of that

00:27:18.300 feeling. Right. I mean, you and I had a conversation before we punched record on the podcast where I said,

00:27:23.880 Hey, I need to talk with you about one thing. We took 10 or 15 seconds. He said, got it.

00:27:27.620 Good to know. All right. Let's come up with a solution. Boom. Problem solved. I didn't come

00:27:32.460 at you. I didn't attack you. I wasn't pissed. I said, Hey, here's, here's something that needs

00:27:36.880 to be brought to your attention. Cool. Got it. Received. And I think in that moment,

00:27:41.580 there was two things that were done, right? I think I presented it correctly to you.

00:27:45.820 And I think you were humble enough to receive it correctly.

00:27:49.100 Totally. Well, and what I loved about it too, is what you said, and I don't mind sharing this.

00:27:52.940 What you said is like, Hey, if you're too busy or if you got too much going on, then let's pivot

00:27:59.620 and figure out how we do that. So you even suggested a solution, not just like, Hey, Kip,

00:28:06.380 you're dropping the ball. It was like, Hey, you're kind of, you know, the perception is you're kind of

00:28:10.720 dropping the ball here. Do we need to pivot? Do we need to free up some time or, or whatever?

00:28:15.540 Right. And then of course I was into your point. I was able to suck up my ego a little bit and go,

00:28:20.240 no, I could step up in this area better than I am. Right. Yeah. And then that third one is

00:28:27.120 expectation. So I think those two things could be not true. And I could just have expectation,

00:28:34.520 Ryan, I'm 42 years old. This is not where I expected to be in my life. I've had this picture

00:28:39.260 on my mind that I'd be this, I'd be this successful. This is how my life would go. Or are you better yet?

00:28:44.540 I had this expectation I've held onto my entire life of what a marriage should look like. And guess

00:28:49.280 what? It's a hell of a lot harder than it is. And that bothers me. And so even just thinking

00:28:55.020 through that and going, all right. And this is my favorite part about thinking of it through

00:28:59.820 expectation. No one owes you anything. Like we're, we're talking about this the other day. It's like,

00:29:06.200 no one owes you anything. Like we walk around, like we deserve shit. Oh, it shouldn't be this way. 1.00

00:29:12.460 My wife shouldn't be this way. My employer should, says who? There's no book of life that says you

00:29:18.120 deserve anything. You know? And so I like thinking that like, wait, I don't deserve this.

00:29:24.440 I don't deserve anything. Or maybe that's not the right term deserve, but like, you know what I'm

00:29:29.720 saying? It's like, it's not, I'm not entitled to these things. Right. And it's out of the kindness

00:29:35.700 of probably someone else's, it's out of the kindness of someone else that most good things

00:29:42.120 come to me in life. And I might deserve them, but it still required someone to, to give that to me,

00:29:47.820 to present me with that opportunity, to take a risk on me. You know, I just, there's no like,

00:29:54.700 no, no like system in play that goes, Oh, Kip earned 10 points. Thus he gets opportunity. It's like,

00:29:59.820 no, like someone still had to take a chance. That's why, so that's why I despise when people

00:30:04.940 say, you know, just work hard, everything will work out. I know a lot of hard workers that don't

00:30:11.080 have the lives they expected to. Yeah. It's not just work hard. There's more to it than that.

00:30:16.440 And it goes, and it goes back to like, and then that also addresses life and life is that,

00:30:23.820 you know, and it's a quote I shared on the AMA. I did like, uh, the solo one I did a couple of weeks

00:30:28.740 ago is a quote by Gordon B. Hinkley. Yeah. No one listened to that one. So go ahead and read,

00:30:32.400 but life is tough. And, and most kids end up growing up to be just people. And your wife is

00:30:44.220 a human and jobs are tough sometimes. And, and that, and the objective of life is really,

00:30:49.920 do you enjoy it? Right. And to grow the, and from the experience. And so I have to remind myself of

00:30:56.020 that because I walk around with all kinds of expectation of how life should be and how people

00:31:00.380 should be showing up. And I have to remind myself that like, there, there's no governing body that

00:31:06.500 determines how people should show up. Right. And I, I need to have a little bit more empathy. So

00:31:11.300 the three was integrity, lack of communication, or something needs to be communicated and then managing

00:31:18.900 your expectation. Yeah. This is a great framework. I actually wrote them down because I knew it was

00:31:23.520 going to be powerful. And I think what's interesting about this is that third component, the expectation

00:31:27.560 actually takes care of the other two. If you follow up with it, Charlie, right? My marriage isn't what

00:31:32.680 it should be. Okay. Well, that's your expectation. So what can we do now to help manage that expectation?

00:31:39.240 Talk with your wife. Hey, hon, I thought sex would be better. Well, you better work some things out. 1.00

00:31:45.600 Right. Or I thought it's going to go over well, or I thought we were going to,

00:31:48.980 well, I think it would actually, I know you're joking, but a lot better than if you say nothing.

00:31:56.240 Right. You know, like I look, I've had conversations with my wife about this and she's

00:32:01.080 had conversations with me about it, about intimacy. Cause I'm not a very intimate person. I put my head

00:32:06.860 down and I go and she's like, Hey, I need more intimacy. I'm like, Oh, okay. Thank you for telling

00:32:12.920 me. Like I, I need to, I need to be reminded of this stuff. So when you manage those expectations,

00:32:20.240 you're going to align your, be more in alignment, which is the integrity issue. Uh, and then you're

00:32:24.640 going to communicate it. Hey, I thought it would be this and it's not, am I missing something or do

00:32:28.220 we need to do something? But that, that expectation piece, I think it takes care of if you follow up on

00:32:33.560 it takes care of the other two pretty well. Yeah. And I love what you, the, the connection you just

00:32:39.000 made is sometimes the expectation you have is out of integrity where you're walking around judging

00:32:46.940 someone be unfairly. And you have, and it's, you know, back to no more Mr. Nice guy covert contract

00:32:54.100 with your wife and you're blaming her for not showing up a way that you've never even communicated

00:32:58.460 with her. So who's out of integrity. You were her, you are. I like it. Cool. What else?

00:33:05.880 All right. Paulo Perna, how do you overcome childhood traumas that are still affecting

00:33:12.580 you when you didn't think they were when you thought it was in the past, but somehow keeps

00:33:17.800 holding you back? Let's just say it first and foremost, go to therapy. Yeah. You know,

00:33:25.580 I'm not a medical expert, especially childhood trauma. I'm not a psychiatrist. I've never claimed

00:33:31.100 to be. So anything that I say, and I'm going to share some other thoughts here of course with

00:33:35.640 you, but anything that I say is should be taken with a grain of salt and understanding

00:33:39.580 that I'm not a professional in these matters. I'm just sharing my perspective, but there's

00:33:44.680 a, there's a stigma. There's a very real stigma on men going to get professional counseling

00:33:49.180 and help. And, and I made this analogy the other day, it was probably in a podcast. And

00:33:54.720 I said, you would never ridicule or poke at a contractor who decided to use a nail gun

00:34:01.820 instead of a hammer to build a home. You would just say he's using this tool at his disposal

00:34:09.280 to build a better home. That's going to be built better, hardier construction, more efficient,

00:34:15.880 more productive, and that's it period. Yeah. Right. A hunter who decides to get the best equipment

00:34:23.320 available, whether it's the newest compound bow or the new scope for his gun, you'd never

00:34:27.260 say, Oh, well, I can't believe he's using that scope. No, you would say, well, that makes

00:34:31.880 sense. Like he's a hunter. He wants to improve his efficiency. He wants to use tools at his

00:34:35.460 disposal to produce the outcome. And then we get into the mind and the mindset. And all of

00:34:46.020 a sudden it's like, Oh, he's going to therapy. Oh, what a loser. 1.00

00:34:48.320 He's broken. Yeah. He's broken. What a loser. Like, how's he, Oh, he can't just figure it 1.00

00:34:53.420 out. Like, why do we do that, man? Go get the help you need. Talk with somebody, have that

00:34:59.980 conversation, work through these things. I think that's very, very powerful. You know, outside

00:35:04.500 of that, I'm probably not going to share a whole lot because I think that's, that's what

00:35:09.000 you need to do first. And anything I say, you might say, well, I'll just do that instead.

00:35:14.140 No, just go get some help. And if you have cool, come back and say, Hey, I have had help.

00:35:20.460 I've talked to these guys. I've had these conversations. Uh, but that, that's, that

00:35:25.900 seriously, that's just my recommendation at this point, go get the help you need. It's

00:35:29.060 okay to see a therapist. It's okay to see a counselor. It's okay to get some professional

00:35:32.960 help. Somebody who can unlock some of these thoughts and things that have been bouncing

00:35:37.920 around in your brain and your body that you haven't been able to figure out yet. That's

00:35:40.980 what you need to do. Yeah. I like it. Jim Spencer. Why do people complain or get depressed

00:35:49.380 over life? People die. Shit goes wrong. It's just life. Anything that you would add to Jim's

00:35:55.520 comment? It's, it goes back to what we were talking about earlier with expectations. Yeah.

00:36:01.300 That's your expectation. You're, you're actually hedging and managing your expectations. It's just

00:36:06.360 life. Sometimes things are shitty. That's a management of expectations by definition.

00:36:10.960 That's exactly what you're doing. Yeah. And other people place, uh, weird, unhealthy expectations

00:36:18.880 on things. This should go this way. It should be this way. I'm entitled to this. I deserve that.

00:36:24.000 We already, we, we, I feel like we went through this pretty well. Uh, but we've got to lower the bar

00:36:30.080 a little bit for what we expect life to be. And, and I would say this, cause I talk about this and

00:36:35.260 people like, well, you should never lower the bar. Don't lower the bar for your performance.

00:36:39.460 That's not what I'm saying. Lower the bar for the expectation from said performance or just life in

00:36:44.660 general. Yeah. You know, I, I want to do well, for example, with this podcast. And so I'm going to do

00:36:50.300 everything within my control to put the odds in my favor by working hard and being diligent,

00:36:56.020 securing great podcast guests, answering questions, being well-researched, learning how to

00:37:01.480 communicate more effectively. That's all within my control. And then I just got to let the chips

00:37:05.900 fall where they may. I had one of my early mentors and trainers say, Ryan, just do your best and let

00:37:12.060 the chips fall where they may. And if they don't fall in the way that you want them to, then figure

00:37:19.280 out if there's something else you can do within your control. Maybe it's just a one-off. So look for

00:37:23.820 trends instead of just one-off results and focus on the things that you can control, not the things that

00:37:30.080 you can't. People die, people get sick, the economy goes south, people we don't like get elected

00:37:35.540 president and politics doesn't always work out the way that you'd like it to, or the way that you see

00:37:39.900 it. All largely outside of your control. Get some of that control back, focus on the things that

00:37:46.880 matter. I talked a lot about this in my financial planning practice. People would talk about the

00:37:51.700 financial economy and how things were working. And I said, you know, if you focused more on your own

00:37:57.320 personal economy, you really wouldn't have to be so wrapped up in what the global or national economy

00:38:04.100 was doing. You wouldn't have to be so focused on what the stock market was doing on any given day. You

00:38:10.460 wouldn't be so focused on how the president is doing this or not doing that. You'd be focused on

00:38:16.280 saving money, investing, paying off debt, living within your means, making smart purchases,

00:38:22.180 investing correctly, all of that within your control. And lo and behold, it produces more

00:38:28.620 favorable results than if you're worried about who the president is, what the economy is doing

00:38:32.920 and things that you have no authority or control over. Yeah. And, and I could see how that could

00:38:41.180 correlate to all aspects of life. You know, it's like, of course, yes, when you're get your crap 0.99

00:38:46.120 together and your household's in order and you're improving yourself, the less critical it is that 0.80

00:38:52.180 Joe Schmo is improving himself and his faults are no longer as important because you're focusing on

00:38:58.300 your faults. So, right. Well, and, and, and it works to that level. It also works to health and

00:39:05.260 fitness. I hear from a lot of guys who are like, you know, I've been training for 60 days and I haven't

00:39:09.100 seen as great a results as I wanted. Well, what did it take you to get there? Well, I've been on the

00:39:13.180 couch for the last decade. All right. Well, it's probably going to take you a little longer than

00:39:17.500 60 days to get to where you want to get. And we all know that exercising and eating correctly

00:39:24.400 produces results. Like there's no guesswork about it. So just keep doing it. Here's one problem that

00:39:33.360 we, as men have, we want to fix everything. That's a, that's not a problem. That's, that's a feature.

00:39:38.640 That's a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. We want to fix everything. And when things don't get fixed the

00:39:45.300 way that we would like them to the marriage, the health, the financials, whatever, any facet of

00:39:50.480 life, when things don't get fixed as quickly as we'd like them to, we think we're doing something

00:39:55.620 wrong and we need to do something different. And so we mistake action with prudence. And sometimes it's

00:40:04.480 not sometimes going back to Jocko, it's just doing it every day, all day for the rest of your life.

00:40:13.740 And then having a little faith because we know we've seen it time in and time out that if you do

00:40:19.180 the right things, the results inevitably come. So just keep doing the right things. Stop getting so

00:40:25.580 fixated on the result or lack thereof and focus more. This is why we do it in the battle planner.

00:40:31.720 We focus so heavily on the tactics. It's what we're doing daily, knowing that the results will

00:40:38.820 inevitably take care of themselves. All right. Mr. Stanley, Jordan Stanley,

00:40:46.660 is it important for men to be dangerous? And if so, why?

00:40:53.360 Yeah. I mean, this, this is a, this is goes back to Jordan Peterson's quote. A good man is not a

00:40:58.800 weak man. A good man is a dangerous man who has it under voluntary control, something along those

00:41:04.460 lines. Yeah, I think it is. I think you should be dangerous to the right people. I think people who

00:41:11.160 want to do you harm should be afraid that you're not the guy to be picked on. I think having a little

00:41:18.480 bit of an edge is good because it signifies to people that you aren't needy, that you aren't

00:41:26.300 desperate, that your results and your satisfaction doesn't rely upon them, that you're going to go

00:41:34.100 out and get whatever it is that you want. Also women and your children and other people are going 1.00

00:41:40.000 to look to you and think, Hey, this guy's capable. He's proficient. If things go wrong,

00:41:44.900 that's the guy I'm going to look to. And leaders are rewarded. You know, we're rewarded with,

00:41:50.440 with influence and credibility and authority and finances. So yeah, you should be dangerous.

00:41:59.160 Not to mention the confidence component that comes with it. Yeah. You know, if we're talking about

00:42:04.020 physical, physically dangerous, I'm more confident if I'm more capable of administering violence.

00:42:12.600 In fact, yesterday, I'm trying to think of our dates here. We just released a podcast with Clint

00:42:20.660 Emerson on combat skills used for good, not evil. And in his newest book, 100 Deadly Skills Combat

00:42:28.460 Edition, he talks about firefighting, knife fighting, physical training, jujitsu, all of these things to

00:42:36.000 become more dangerous so that we can keep people safe. We can keep ourselves and other people protected.

00:42:41.760 And then also we can get what we want out of life because that danger, like think about jujitsu

00:42:47.320 for a second, that assertiveness, that physical assertiveness translates perfectly over into

00:42:55.240 asserting yourself with clients or with your children or with your wife. Obviously you're not

00:43:01.420 going to be physical with those people, but it translates. It's, it's, it's vocal assertiveness.

00:43:06.580 It's the way that you carry yourself. It's the way you stand. It's the way you present yourself.

00:43:10.820 If you go, if you go to jujitsu or you're doing some other form of martial art or you're training

00:43:15.620 and you're lifting heavy objects and you're getting stronger than all of that, it's going to translate

00:43:19.300 perfectly over into other facets of your life. So some guys will say, well, you know, I'm not going

00:43:23.880 to train with a firearm because I would, I would never need that. And the odds are that you're right.

00:43:27.640 You probably never will need that. And isn't that such an incredible blessing, but there's other

00:43:33.760 unintended benefits that come from being dangerous. And it is something that we all should strive to

00:43:39.880 be more of. Yeah. Well, and it's, and it's part of being, being a sovereign man is your ability to

00:43:47.660 protect yourself if necessary, you know? And, and I know the world's like, generally speaking,

00:43:52.860 in a safe place until it's not. I mean, look, we all say that, but is it really like, I, I, I almost

00:43:59.920 got into an altercation at the gas pump with somebody just several weeks ago, you know, like

00:44:05.120 there was a misunderstanding and he was bent out of shape. And then I was, you know, pissed off and

00:44:10.660 these things happen all the time, you know, nothing ever, nothing came of that, which is good, but

00:44:16.940 very easily that could have went an entirely different way. Yeah. Well, and I think we have a

00:44:21.340 tendency to be in our bubbles, you know, it's like my neighborhood's really great, but like, there's,

00:44:25.820 there's evil out there, right? Like it just last week here in Utah, there is a 10 year old kid

00:44:32.280 snatched from a playground in South Ogden cop kit or a teacher carrying a firearm, stop the person from

00:44:41.100 kidnapping the kid. Like what if he didn't have a gun? Is he in a position to actually defend that kid

00:44:48.300 physically without a weapon? Probably should, or I at least wish he would have been able to do that.

00:44:54.520 You know what I mean? If necessary. So, I mean, it's, I don't know. I think it's critical,

00:44:58.760 but a hundred percent. All right. Eric Kovach is the iron council for every man,

00:45:07.680 or is it just made only for certain men who follow certain political and religious ideas?

00:45:12.660 I'm not even going to answer this question because it's a loaded, maybe more guys would,

00:45:18.560 you know, you know, it's a load. No, it's a loaded question. You already know the answer to that.

00:45:23.460 The only time somebody would ask that question is because they're either trolling and, and they want 1.00

00:45:29.340 to get a reaction or response, uh, or because they're playing stupid. Like when have I ever said 0.99

00:45:38.080 that only conservatives can join the iron council? When have I ever said that only white men in America

00:45:44.680 can join the iron council? Like the only reason you'd ask that is because you're overly insecure,

00:45:50.500 you're trolling, or you're deliberately playing dense in order to make up some sort of

00:45:57.200 narrative that just doesn't exist. So no, I'm not going to answer that question.

00:46:03.020 You already know the answer to that question. All right. Next Kyle Combs thoughts on the UFO

00:46:10.240 document released and why people don't seem to care much. So I guess recently the U S government

00:46:16.260 released stuff. I don't, I didn't, I don't know what they released. I mean, I've heard things,

00:46:20.620 but I'll tell you why people don't care because the government lies and you know it. And I know it

00:46:28.240 and everybody else listening to this podcast knows it. So what do you do when you're confronted

00:46:34.500 with somebody, you know, is a chronicle liar? You stop listening to them. Yeah. I don't know.

00:46:45.460 I don't know if there's UFOs. I don't know what's what, I don't know what kind of aliens or what kind

00:46:49.760 of other countries have technology we're not aware of. I don't know, but I'll tell you what,

00:46:53.940 I don't trust the government to give us the real scoop on it. There's also a thing about UFOs. Like,

00:47:02.100 I mean, I've seen these things like the pill UFO that are the tick tock tick, tack UFO, whatever

00:47:08.140 they call it. Really? That's the best we have. Everybody's walking around with a video camera and,

00:47:15.520 and, and, and picture or phones like that. I don't know what that is. That could be a little bug on the

00:47:22.260 lens. Like that's what you got. Give me a break. Like if there was UFOs, like we would have something

00:47:29.540 better by now. I would think. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying aliens don't exist. I actually believe

00:47:36.940 that they probably do. I don't know if they're flying around the screen or if that's a fly under

00:47:41.660 lens because you know, your lens is dirty. I don't know. And give me something compelling. I haven't

00:47:47.340 seen something compelling yet. Well, and what's the definition, definition of UFO, something

00:47:52.680 that's fine that we don't know what it is. That's all that is anyway. Right. So, but I like to bring

00:47:58.800 up, I mean, I like what you said about government and this is the part that pisses me off that we

00:48:03.300 live in a society that, that has given a free pass to dishonesty. If you're in politics, isn't that

00:48:14.100 pathetic? We live in a culture that goes, Oh, it's politics, Ryan. So it's okay to be dishonest. 0.99

00:48:21.460 It's okay not to have integrity because you're in that area of like our society. Isn't that pathetic? 0.99

00:48:30.020 Like shouldn't we all be so, so bothered by the idea that that's just like the way it is and that's 0.99

00:48:37.560 acceptable, man, it's messed up. It is messed up. That's why we focus. We stay informed,

00:48:48.560 intentionally informed, and then we focus on what we can control. And then we hold our

00:48:52.900 elected representatives accountable by impeaching them, by voting them out, by voting other people

00:48:59.660 in, by running for office. These are all things we need to do. Yeah. Steven Strode,

00:49:05.880 any resources out there that, you know, for talking to your kids about mental health and how

00:49:11.040 they can help their friends through things. My son, my son, 11 year old recently came home from

00:49:17.440 school and told me about his friend who has been cutting himself on his arms and legs. Someone had

00:49:23.740 noticed the cuts and told the teacher about it. And they contacted their parents. This was one of

00:49:28.140 those topics that I was not prepared to discuss when it came up. Yeah, no, of course at 11, that's wild.

00:49:35.100 Yeah. Yeah. I think it was handled correctly. It sounds like a teacher was informed and of course

00:49:40.060 they'll notify the authorities and talk to the appropriate channels. And so again, I go back to

00:49:44.460 what I said earlier with the childhood trauma thing is like get the right authorities and professional

00:49:49.740 help in places. Outside of that, stay tuned for the podcast because we're going to be talking about

00:49:56.120 this stuff. And again, I think peers are going to listen to their peers, maybe more so than their

00:50:00.460 fathers at times. So we're working on a solution right now that'll be available in the next three

00:50:05.180 to four weeks. But in the meantime, you handled it correctly. It goes to the right mediums, goes to

00:50:09.180 the right channels. Authorities have been notified, but this is serious stuff, very serious stuff.

00:50:14.220 And we need to take it seriously. But outside of that, parents, I mean, parents are going to be

00:50:18.900 the solution. So look into Boy Crisis by Dr. Warren Farrell. Look into Why Gender Matters and Boys 0.99

00:50:25.640 Adrift by Leonard Sachs. Those are three books you can read that might give you some insight into

00:50:31.280 what's happening in the school system, specifically with and to our young men that might help

00:50:36.440 you work through some of this and come up with some solutions for it.

00:50:41.560 Yeah. I would add Coddling of the American Mind to that list. I think that's highly insightful

00:50:47.700 for the next coming up and coming generation.

00:50:50.740 That's Haight or Haight, Jason Haight or Haight, I think, or Jonathan, Jonathan Haight or Haight.

00:50:56.020 I think I know, man. Yeah.

00:50:58.300 You guys can find it. Coddling of the American Mind.

00:51:01.380 Yeah.

00:51:03.500 Question, if you don't mind me putting you on the spot, you know, if that was Breckin,

00:51:08.780 how would you, and he's like, dude, dad, why would a kid do that? Like,

00:51:13.100 Oh, if he saw his friend?

00:51:14.720 Yeah. Like, how would you communicate that to your son?

00:51:17.400 I would ask a lot of questions. I've tried to be better at that as opposed to

00:51:22.200 asserting my own thoughts into it.

00:51:25.900 Get him to come, you know, think through it.

00:51:28.680 Yeah. Isn't that what we want of our children? Don't we want them to think independently and

00:51:31.980 critically on their own, free of our or other people's influence? Like, maybe not free of our

00:51:37.480 influence, but certainly free of other people's influence. So I would ask a lot of questions.

00:51:42.120 Hey, you know, why do you think that is what, what could be going on in his life? Why do you

00:51:47.360 think that would be a solution that he would come to? Um, you know, how, how must he be feeling if

00:51:54.720 he's doing that to himself? What can we do? What, what, what responsibilities do we have as a friend

00:52:01.940 and somebody who acknowledges it? What, what should we do? How can we make that person feel better?

00:52:06.840 You know, if you think that person is excluded, what can we do to invite that person into our

00:52:12.200 circle to make him or her feel better about themselves and their own life? So I would ask

00:52:17.640 a lot of questions instead of just saying, well, you know, you shouldn't do that. Okay. And well,

00:52:25.660 it's just not good. Okay. And just, I just, just, you shouldn't, that's a hard conversation. I think

00:52:33.480 that's why a lot of parents will overlook the conversation because they don't know where to go

00:52:37.320 and they think they need to have the answer. No, you just need to have the questions actually.

00:52:42.280 And that's what a, that's what a good therapist will do. A therapist isn't necessarily going to

00:52:46.960 say do X, Y, and Z and you're done. They're going to ask you a lot of questions. This goes back to the

00:52:52.100 childhood trauma thing, ask you a lot of questions about your life and where it comes from and how it

00:52:57.900 makes you feel and why you respond that way, as opposed to a different way. And they're going to help

00:53:02.460 you work through your own feelings and emotions. There's a great book called co-active coaching.

00:53:09.480 And it's more catered towards like a life or a business coach, but it's very applicable when it

00:53:15.800 comes to parenting as well. So you guys have heard me say it, the power of your life will be determined

00:53:20.040 by the power of the questions you ask. And that's true for other people you're asking powerful

00:53:23.660 questions from. Yeah. I like that. When you said that, what really is resonated with me is that

00:53:29.620 we ask those questions. So the individual comes to their own conclusion.

00:53:36.640 Of course.

00:53:37.420 And when we come to our own conclusion, where it comes with a different level of commitment

00:53:42.760 and understanding than if you just told me. Yeah. You bought into it.

00:53:47.720 Yeah. I I'm, I'm invested in like that thought process because it was mine versus you just gave

00:53:53.000 it to me. And then I get a question like, Oh, well, does he really understand me or, you know what I

00:53:57.320 mean? Or whatever. Right. And so that's, that's a really powerful way to get buy-in.

00:54:02.060 Yeah. I like it. Hey, I want to go back. I've been thinking about this as we've talked about this,

00:54:07.080 this, uh, this question about, is this, is this movement for certain people or whatever,

00:54:12.560 certain politics? Yeah. Remind me what the question was.

00:54:16.360 Um, I'm scrolling up here. Um, is iron counsel, every man, uh, or is it made only for certain

00:54:25.500 men who follow a certain political and religious idea? So there's one other reason I was thinking

00:54:30.980 about this is you're trying to make yourself a victim and or excluded. And I think that happens

00:54:41.220 a lot in society. People are deliberately trying to exclude themselves or paint themselves as a

00:54:47.420 victim. Uh, the victimhood thing is pretty easy to understand why it's easier to be a victim and

00:54:55.700 assume that it's everybody else's fault. It's that that's pretty easy to understand why, but why would

00:55:00.480 people attempt to exclude themselves? I think the reason people attempt to exclude themselves is

00:55:08.320 because it absolves them of the responsibility of doing work. It's very similar to the victimhood

00:55:14.320 mindset. Like if I had, if I get to exclude myself, then the reason that I didn't succeed

00:55:19.840 wasn't because I didn't do the work in the iron council. It was because they didn't even let me get

00:55:24.440 into the iron council. Yeah. Right. The reason I'm not an athlete is not because, you know, I didn't

00:55:32.460 learn the plays and work hard and develop strength and, and play solid and contribute to the team. 0.99

00:55:39.680 It was because the coach was an asshole and he cut me from the team and had favorites. 1.00

00:55:46.660 Right. So we, the victim and the exclusion card are very, very similar. And they're the stem from them. 1.00

00:55:55.400 The reason we do that is, is this is the same. It's like, I want to absolve myself of the

00:56:01.620 responsibility of doing work. So no, no, no, I was going to do the work. I was, I promised I was going

00:56:06.360 to do it, but you just didn't, didn't let me have a chance. Yeah. That's another reason that I think

00:56:12.000 is very, very prevalent in society today. And I think that's right. I think that's so subconscious

00:56:17.760 that people don't even, they don't even, they're not even aware of it. They're just like, oh, the

00:56:22.860 coach is a jerk. Like they don't even have the dialogue of going like, well, yeah, but if I'm a 1.00

00:56:29.160 really valuable athlete, then the coach would probably not care because he really wants to win.

00:56:35.060 Right. And all that matters is that I show up in a way that helps the team win. Right. But we don't

00:56:40.300 consider those things. And I, and I think we see this all over the place and I'll use Utah as an

00:56:46.400 example. Cause I think this shows up in Utah quite a bit. Everyone knows, I say the term Utah

00:56:51.660 and everyone listen goes, oh wait, that's where all the Mormons live. So there's this dogma are

00:56:56.220 ready, right? There's this impression that, that no one lives in Utah unless you're LDS.

00:57:02.360 And then the second one is, yeah. Yeah. And then the second one is, and I, I'm a hundred percent sure

00:57:09.360 this shows up on a regular basis. Someone moves to Utah and their impression is that most of my

00:57:15.600 neighbors are probably Mormons. And so what do they do? They immediately enter their relationship

00:57:22.380 with their neighbors from the perspective of being an outsider. Oh, they're not included

00:57:27.860 or I'm not going to fit in. Like they enter it with, enter it with the negative perception

00:57:33.020 versus if this guy, let's, let's assume this guy had the strong impression that everyone in the

00:57:39.960 iron council was conservative. And what was the other thing that he was talking about?

00:57:46.620 Religion. Everyone in the iron council is Christian and conservative. You could actually

00:57:52.740 join the iron council saying, dude, they need me. They need my, they need my progressive viewpoints.

00:58:00.340 They need my, my different religious viewpoints. I could provide huge value here,

00:58:05.880 but yet we don't do that. We go, Oh, I don't, I don't fit in. Right. And, and, and as a prime

00:58:12.040 example of that, there are gentlemen, of course, in the iron council that do not share their same

00:58:16.780 religious beliefs. Of course, of course. And they are some of the best conversations

00:58:22.340 that we have. Like I love, and I know who, you know, you know, who I'm talking about. We have like

00:58:29.140 a Catholic priest guy in the iron council. I love listening to that guy. I'm not Catholic,

00:58:33.740 but I could listen to him for hours talking about his religious belief. I find it fascinating

00:58:41.160 and highly enlightening, not threatened at all. He brings something to the table that is so valuable

00:58:47.380 that I would never have gotten otherwise. Well, there's another, there's a number,

00:58:50.800 another member. I'm not going to name names, but there's another member I'm thinking of right

00:58:53.620 off hand that came to one of our events. And he was, he, he laughs at himself because he calls

00:58:58.420 himself the token liberal because yeah, like everybody knows I'm conservative. You're

00:59:03.540 obviously conservative. And yeah, we have a great relationship. He makes fun of me for conservative

00:59:09.200 values. I make fun of him and it isn't done in mean spirit. It's done in trying to actually get to

00:59:15.580 like a closer place. Totally get closer together, you know? So yeah, I mean, there are places who are

00:59:25.200 going to be exclusionary, but if you come at it from the right mindset and the right approach of,

00:59:31.500 I want to learn, I want to be open-minded. I want to share my perspective to, to add value,

00:59:36.320 not to detract, but to add value, then of course, that's why we created it. Yeah. It doesn't say the

00:59:43.400 iron council is for men who are conservative, who live in America, who are white, who believe in God.

00:59:49.360 It just says, this is for men who want to get better period. And, and to put the, the period on

00:59:57.640 this statement is we become better with those different viewpoints. That's valuable. If I will

01:00:03.120 say this though, there's a caveat to that. And a lot of people don't understand that the caveat is

01:00:08.600 we're all trying to move in the same direction. Yeah. Because look, so a lot of the, the, the phrase,

01:00:15.320 the popular phrase is our strength is our diversity or rather our diversity is our strength. No, it

01:00:21.940 isn't. Diversity isn't strong in and of itself. Diversity is only able to create strength if you're

01:00:31.540 all moving in the same direction, but there might be some conflicting or different ideas on how to get

01:00:37.120 there. So we can come up with the most effective way to do it. So common metaphor. Yes. Here's a

01:00:43.040 metaphor. We're all on a boat. I was joking on Instagram the other day about building a Viking

01:00:48.480 long ship. Oh, so I didn't know it's a joke. I was like, I'm not joking. Yeah. I say I'm joking,

01:00:54.100 but I'm not, I got to finish these two first I've got. Okay. So we all get on the Viking long ship

01:01:00.700 and we're like, we're going there. And I point to a direction or I point to a place on a map and I say,

01:01:06.160 we're going there and you got a hundred guys on the ship and a hundred of us are rowing,

01:01:13.380 rowing, rowing halfway. And then three of the guys decide, well, I don't want to go there. I want to

01:01:18.840 go in the opposite direction. So now you got 97 guys who are rowing there. You got three guys who

01:01:25.840 are rowing in the opposite direction. Is that diversity helping you? Is it your strength?

01:01:32.880 Of course it's not your strength. It's actually a weakness. Now counter that with you got a hundred

01:01:41.480 guys. All of us decide we're going there. We're all going to go there and we're rowing and we're

01:01:47.200 rowing. And one guy gets up and he says, Hey Ryan, I've been thinking about this. We've been rowing for

01:01:53.080 the past three days and I've been thinking about this. And you know, I used to row on the Olympic team

01:01:58.020 and, uh, we got about 50% of us rowing this way and another 50% of us doing it correctly.

01:02:03.480 Would you mind if I taught everybody how to row correctly? We could get there faster and more

01:02:08.540 efficiently if we all row in the same way. And I'm an expert because I was an Olympian in rowing.

01:02:16.920 Diversity in that case can represent strength because now he takes an hour. He teaches the guys

01:02:23.300 had a row. And then we more than make up for that hour on our trip to wherever it is we're going.

01:02:28.740 That's when diversity is strength. That's actually the problem we have in America.

01:02:32.900 People aren't assimilating anymore. They're just being diverse, but they're just going into their 0.95

01:02:36.640 own little pockets and they're not assimilating into the culture. I, I actually experienced that

01:02:41.460 when I moved here to Maine, I felt like it was my responsibility to assimilate into the culture,

01:02:47.140 to be involved with the people who were here to be interested in the same things they were.

01:02:53.620 Now I bring my own set of interests and communication methods and styles and activities and things like

01:03:00.920 that. But also I have a responsibility to assimilate here to the people around me. This is their land.

01:03:06.080 This is their place. So I can represent some sort of diversity, but it's only powerful because I care

01:03:13.840 about everybody here, my neighbors, my community members, and we're all trying to get to a better

01:03:18.100 place together. Yeah. And you're humble enough to realize that they may have stuff figured out that

01:03:23.840 you don't know. And you need to ask the neighbor and the other people in the neighborhood of how to

01:03:28.540 get through winter and what extra stuff you should have controlled in your house, right? You don't come

01:03:33.060 in and go, well, in St. George, we did it this way. So you guys are idiots, you know? 1.00

01:03:38.000 Right. Exactly. Exactly. All right. Let's take a couple more. All right. I have to, 1.00

01:03:43.820 actually wrap up after this one, if that's okay. All right. One more. All right. It better be a good

01:03:47.660 one. Andrew, it better be a good one, brother. No pressure. Prickett, what is the best book for

01:03:54.220 rebuilding yourself after divorce? Resources for rebuilding yourself. It is. I mean, that's part,

01:04:00.480 look, I know I'm biased. I get it. Yeah. You know, but that's, that's the truth. That's why I wrote

01:04:06.500 that book. Not for divorce necessarily, but to rebuild yourself, to create yourself, to make yourself

01:04:12.480 into a more effective and capable man. Yeah. And regardless of what's happening around you,

01:04:16.960 right? That's the whole point of the title. Absolutely. So read sovereignty and then start

01:04:24.020 working through the battle plan, which is outlined in the book itself. It's not, that's not a cop-out

01:04:30.440 answer. Is anybody who hasn't heard the podcast or maybe comes at it with a different perspective

01:04:35.140 might think I'm just copping out. No, Andrew, you are the reason I wrote the book. You individually

01:04:41.120 are the reason I wrote the book. It's over your left shoulder there, Kip. Get that book, read it,

01:04:46.140 apply it. Good for you. It's written for you. Yeah. I like it. All right. That was a good question.

01:04:55.760 Well played, Andrew. Well played. I actually just made up Andrew's name. So I'm just joking.

01:05:02.720 It's a good idea though. All right. Speaking of integrity. Yeah. So, so we, we talked about a few

01:05:09.100 things just really quick, iron council, um, sovereignty. You can pick up sovereignty where

01:05:15.420 books are store, uh, are available, but you can also, they're stored there and stored. Um,

01:05:21.680 and you can also get them at store.orderofman.com along with other swag, uh, and content from order

01:05:29.000 of man. And then of course you can join us on Facebook and the iron council. Facebook is

01:05:33.580 facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And of course in our exclusive brotherhood,

01:05:38.500 the iron council to learn more, go to orderofman.com slash iron council. Did you want to throw out event

01:05:44.460 dates at all? Uh, the main event is closed, but we've got the, uh, legacy event, which is September

01:05:51.020 27th through the 29th, I believe it's 27 through the 29th. Is that right? I could be, I have 23rd to

01:05:58.280 the 26th. Dang. I, you know, you're probably not, you probably better. All right. No 23rd to the 26th.

01:06:04.520 You're right. Am I right? I know it is. Cause I said that on Friday field notes and I felt stupid

01:06:09.020 because I told him like the 27th to the 30th. I'm like, I don't even know when it is, but I think

01:06:13.020 you're right. 23rd through the 26th. That's a father son event, uh, for boys is between the ages of

01:06:18.380 eight to 15, whether the fathers or their father figures could be an uncle, a brother, stepfather,

01:06:24.120 of course, foster father, things like that. Uh, so the 23rd to the 26th of September orderofman.com

01:06:30.200 slash legacy. And of course to follow Mr. Mickler on Twitter and Instagram, that's Ryan Mickler,

01:06:36.620 M I C H L E R. That's right. All right, guys. Great questions today. Hopefully, hopefully we gave

01:06:43.220 you some good answers. Uh, we'll be back on Friday for our Friday field notes, but until then go out

01:06:48.040 there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man

01:06:52.980 podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:06:57.760 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 09, 2021

Diversity is Not Necessarily Strength, Overcoming Childhood Trauma, and Managing Your Own Expectations ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript