Order of Man - Do Men Cry, Shifting Ineffective Tactics, and Raising Confident Boys

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.140 Kip, what's going on, man?

00:00:26.900 I'm injured.

00:00:28.460 I know. Well, you sent me an email last night, or I guess it was this morning, and you said,

00:00:32.940 no, it was last night because what you had said, and I was very intrigued and fascinated by this text that you sent me,

00:00:38.460 is you said, hey, man, I hurt my back. If I can't walk in the morning, then I'll go to the doctor and you'll be on your own.

00:00:46.360 So I'm actually really curious about what the hell you did to yourself.

00:00:49.800 Well, really what it was is that was me reaching out for love and support just to have someone feel sorry for me.

00:00:58.360 You reached out to the wrong guy, man.

00:01:00.020 I know, totally. I got no reply back from Ryan going, hey, dude, are you okay? Anything you need from me?

00:01:06.280 I got shit. All I got was like, damn it. Podcasts by myself.

00:01:11.440 That's all I wrote. I wrote, well, shit, who am I going to get for the podcast now?

00:01:17.500 Or you're like, man, you're not very reliable.

00:01:20.040 Good to know. Find someone else.

00:01:21.560 Good to know. My co-host is weak and I need somebody who's going to be more, more dependent.

00:01:28.520 Who are dependable, I should say. Who are, so what, so what'd you do to yourself?

00:01:33.780 You know, it's funny. Well, now I feel embarrassed that I'm walking because I almost like I, I set this

00:01:39.760 tone for like how bad I was just so, you know how it is. Like you get injured at night and you know,

00:01:45.340 by morning it's going to be like 10 times more stiff. It's going to be worse.

00:01:51.200 I don't know how that's like, cause usually I'll say in the morning I'll feel that much better.

00:01:55.900 Oh, see, normally if I'm injured, like I hurt a knee or whatever by morning, I'm,

00:02:00.260 it's way worse than it is than it was the night before.

00:02:03.220 I'm different. And maybe it's just the thing I tell myself, but if I'm ever sick or, or, or hurt,

00:02:08.640 cause I think there's a difference between being hurt and being injured. We can talk about that

00:02:12.800 here in a minute is, is if I'm injured, that's one thing. If I'm just hurting, I'm like, I'll be

00:02:17.220 better in the morning. And I don't know if that's just mental projection or what, or wishful thinking,

00:02:23.160 but it seems to work. Or it's your beard. It's like providing healing powers as your sleep.

00:02:28.680 For, for those, uh, dads who listen, who have daughters, they'll understand this because I'm

00:02:33.920 sure they've watched the show Tangled, which we've seen about a bazillion times. And so if my

00:02:39.600 daughter gets hurt, I jokingly will put my beard on her arm or her leg, whatever she injured.

00:02:44.880 And I'll try to attempt to sing that, that, uh, Tangled hair healing song and she'll just laugh

00:02:51.200 and all will be well. It has healing properties for sure. That's funny. No, I, so to answer the

00:02:58.140 question, I, I, I'm not avoiding it. I was playing basketball. That's it. This is going basketball.

00:03:02.740 I, uh, had a open lane to the hoop. Um, went in really aggressive thinking I'm just going

00:03:09.060 to plow through this guy. And, um, and didn't, when I went up and we came down his, I don't

00:03:17.680 know if this is elbow or something, his elbow hit my hip, but it, it was weird. It didn't

00:03:23.740 hit the side of my hip. It hit the top of my hip. Does that make sense? Like it went into

00:03:28.480 my rib cage and hit like down, like in there or something. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And I, and

00:03:35.060 at first I was like, Oh, and I'd be like, walk around in circles thinking, okay, I just

00:03:38.420 need to walk it off a little bit more. I walked the worst of his feeling and it just didn't

00:03:43.700 give up. Did you, did you stop playing basketball or did you, did you like plow through?

00:03:48.540 Um, I tried. I'm like, I walk around and I'm like, okay, let's go. And then someone went

00:03:52.920 to go pass the ball to me and I reached my arm out and I was like, Oh my gosh, that's a

00:03:56.500 lot of pain. And I'm like, no, I can't. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to be able to push through

00:04:00.560 this. So you're toughening it out. You're here today. All is well. It sounds like my

00:04:06.120 wife had to put my socks and shoes on for me this morning, but, uh, yeah, I can't reach

00:04:12.460 down and touch my left foot. Come on, man. Okay. Everyone keep this on the down low. I'm

00:04:18.660 actually totally okay, but I'm really appreciating the fact that my wife's taking care of me and

00:04:23.220 it makes me feel good and loved. Yeah. Well, there's going to be a million people who just

00:04:26.960 heard that and some, it's going to get back to her somehow. Somehow. All right, let's do

00:04:32.060 it, man. Well, I'm glad you're, I'm glad you're semi okay. And hopefully you can tie up your own

00:04:37.260 shoes moving forward. Someday. Maybe I just need to come to Maine during the order of man, uh,

00:04:44.280 event. Dude, you better heal up because you're teaching jujitsu. Rub your beard on my hip.

00:04:48.260 Yeah. That's going to be weird. I'm not doing that. All right. Everybody who's listening for

00:04:55.340 the very first time is now tuned out of order of man and they won't be coming back to listen to any

00:05:00.080 more episodes. What do we got today, man? Let's get, Oh guys, by the way, if you don't know what

00:05:05.620 we're all about here, uh, today we're answering questions. We've got some good ones. You sent me

00:05:10.340 the list of questions. We've got some good ones here. I'm looking forward to answering these questions

00:05:13.620 and, and going through and trying to give some answers on how to, how to be a more capable man.

00:05:19.440 So we'll see what we can do here. Yeah. So our questions today primarily are coming from the

00:05:24.220 Facebook group. If you guys want to submit future questions, you can join us on Facebook at

00:05:29.540 facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And this is officially episode 52.

00:05:35.940 So one year, one year anniversary, one year anniversary of the AMA. I like it, man. It's

00:05:42.240 going places. Yeah. All right. First question, Matt Wheeler, best way to learn financial need to

00:05:50.120 nose. And what are those things? I'm not financially literate and need to do a better job about it.

00:05:56.360 Well, in a former life, I was a financial advisor. A lot of people know that if you've been listening

00:06:00.700 for any amount of time, you would, uh, I spent about just under a decade as a financial

00:06:05.760 advisor. And as far as what things you need to know, I mean, generally I can't, I can't get into

00:06:11.120 all the specifics and ramifications of that, but generally you need to know how to budget.

00:06:15.360 You need to know how to protect yourself. And specifically I'm talking about some basic estate

00:06:21.220 planning documents and also different insurances, health insurance, life insurance, disability

00:06:26.320 insurance, if it applies, et cetera, et cetera. Uh, you need to know some basic investment philosophy

00:06:31.020 and ideas, and then ultimately how to get yourself out of debt. So generally speaking,

00:06:35.040 those are the four key areas, cashflow. So you're budgeting, uh, your protection, your

00:06:39.480 insurances and estate planning documents, your savings and investments. And then the fourth

00:06:43.260 component is your debt and taxation that you need to eliminate. So the best way to learn

00:06:48.200 those things is to work with an expert. Uh, I'm not saying that everybody needs to hire a financial

00:06:54.340 advisor, but if you have somebody in your life could be somebody like your father, for example,

00:06:58.820 or an uncle or somebody who is financially savvy, don't ask people who are broke about money.

00:07:05.220 You wouldn't ask somebody who's fat about fitness advice. So you're not going to ask broke people

00:07:08.960 for financial advice. I got that all the time. Uh, I would put together a, uh, a financial plan for,

00:07:14.740 uh, prospects and people who wanted to become my clients. And then they'd say, Hey, I want to talk

00:07:19.040 with my, my parents or my uncle or my brother or whoever about it. And I'd ask them about that

00:07:23.880 individual's financial circumstances. And more often than not, they tell me that they're not in

00:07:29.560 a great place financially. It's like, well, then don't ask them for advice because if you ask them

00:07:33.940 for advice, they're going to give you the advice they know, which has got them to where they are

00:07:37.300 today. So you don't ask broke people for financial advice, uh, ask people who are successful. So do an

00:07:43.240 inventory who are the most successful people in your life financially and ask them to lunch, ask to sit

00:07:49.020 down with them, ask to talk with them about investing or paying off debt or whatever it may

00:07:54.280 be. Uh, in addition to that, there's plenty of podcasts out there, uh, plenty of books. Dave Ramsey's

00:07:59.140 got some great beginner stuff. I say beginner deliberately. It is beginner information on

00:08:03.300 financial planning. I would definitely check out his, uh, debt elimination strategies and also his

00:08:09.260 budgeting and cashflow strategies. Uh, and then you can get into books like a random walk down

00:08:14.580 wall street. You can go to investopedia.com, which has some great, uh, definitions for, uh,

00:08:22.700 different terms, financial terms that you may not be familiar with. And then also consider working

00:08:27.760 with a qualified financial advisor. There you go. Ryan, would you say, was there something for you

00:08:34.900 specifically that was like a game changer for you in this space where you're like, Hey, once I,

00:08:41.080 once I got on board with this, this was a major adjustment for me financially. Um, yes, but it's

00:08:49.200 not your traditional financial planning stuff. For me, it was business. Once I learned how to

00:08:56.380 specifically market a business, I became very, very successful financially. I mean, the only other

00:09:03.160 things have to come into place. You have to be able to, to manage a budget. You have to be able to

00:09:06.860 invest wisely. You have to be able to pay off debt and stay out of debt. You have to be able to do all

00:09:12.720 of these things. But for me, the biggest thing I learned, and it's not like just one day I learned

00:09:17.440 it and everything else was, was, was incredible. It's taken a lot of years of practice and education

00:09:23.700 and information. But once I learned how to market a business, I became successful financially. That was

00:09:29.060 marketing my financial planning practice. I was using social media to gain new clients and solidify

00:09:34.580 relationships with existing clients. And then also using social media to build this business

00:09:39.360 order of man. Uh, I think what I really came to the conclusion of is that I am a marketer first.

00:09:46.900 And at this point in my life, I happened to be marketing information and tools that are going to

00:09:52.740 help men become more capable men in another life. It was, I was a marketer first, and I happened to be

00:09:58.920 marketing financial products and services that help people build their wealth. And in 10 years,

00:10:03.700 it may be something completely different, but I really view myself as a marketer. And that's

00:10:08.220 changed a lot of things for me. Yeah. I think for me, one of the biggest adjustments that I had to

00:10:13.880 make is because I think there's a ceiling when your income is tied to your time. And so that was the

00:10:22.200 major point for me where I was like, okay, wait a second. This is now about passive income, right? It's

00:10:27.620 about my salary having to come in from other people's time, right? Or from other investments or

00:10:33.360 from something else. Because eventually, guess what? I don't want to work 40 hours a week. I

00:10:38.440 don't want to work 50 or 60 hours a week to make more, right? I want to work the same. So I need

00:10:43.280 to, I need to get that passive income figured out. And, and obviously as a business owner, right? That,

00:10:48.440 that is very much, I'm sure on most of our minds. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a great,

00:10:54.060 that's a great thing to bring up, uh, the other day. And in fact, I'm working on them now. Um,

00:10:58.700 we've got these huge, huge old radiators in there, these water heating radiators in our barn.

00:11:04.980 They don't work, but they're sitting there. And I went to lift one of them up, up, up because I'm

00:11:10.300 trying to move my barn around for the event that we've got going on. And I couldn't lift this thing.

00:11:13.860 Like I literally could not, I wiggled it maybe in a little bit, but I could not lift it off the

00:11:19.200 ground. It was amazing how heavy it was. And so as I'm thinking about how I'm going to be able to move

00:11:24.080 this radiator from one place to the other, which is about 20 feet that I want to move it. Like,

00:11:28.780 how can I move this? So I stick a pry bar under the thing and I use that lever to pry it up and then

00:11:34.640 just to gradually shift it over three or four inches at a time. And then I had a neighbor come over and

00:11:38.440 he showed me a much more efficient way to do it. But, uh, the point I'm making, you got to tell us

00:11:43.120 what the neighbor changed. No, man, I'm not going to tell you cause you got to earn that. No, I'll tell

00:11:47.380 you here in a second. Um, but the point I'm making, and then I'll get to how he told me to do it.

00:11:52.640 The point I'm making here is that it's, it's a leveraging effort, right? You stick a, you stick

00:11:57.280 a three or four foot pry bar in there and pry it up and you're using a lever to create more, uh,

00:12:03.780 more result, whatever that result is that you're after. In this case, moving the radiator, right?

00:12:08.160 So why am I talking about this? I'm talking about leverage. And that's what you're talking

00:12:12.800 about right now is how do you leverage yourself? Well, you hire employees, you bring on an executives,

00:12:17.220 you bring people in who, uh, who can shore up some weaknesses on your side. A prime example

00:12:22.380 is having team leaders in the iron council. We have team leaders that manages teams anywhere

00:12:26.840 from 10 to 15 members. If I was to manage those teams, 10 to 15 members times 30 or 40 or 50,

00:12:32.860 that would be nearly impossible for me to do. But now I have a team leader who, who comes in

00:12:38.240 and manage those teams. And then I assist the team leaders. And that's a leveraging,

00:12:42.220 it's a leveraging power. It's a leveraging tool and allows me to create more of the result.

00:12:46.660 And the same can be said for financial planning or moving a radiator or just about any facet of life.

00:12:53.560 So you really, really want to leverage your time and tension and energy. It's a,

00:12:56.800 it's a very powerful way to operate in life. It's more effective.

00:13:02.120 So how do you move the radiator?

00:13:04.620 I don't, I don't really know if I want to, no, I do want to share it. Here's, here's how he shared.

00:13:08.700 He got, he, he built this little platform, this little deck. And, uh, it's, it's a,

00:13:13.760 it's a piece of plywood essentially is what it is on, on skids. There's skids,

00:13:17.880 three skids, one on each side and one running up the middle. So we took a, uh, two by four and

00:13:23.620 pride the radiator up onto the platform itself. So same concept, right? Is instead of the pry bar,

00:13:31.900 we used a two before. So we pride it up onto the platform itself. Then what we did is we put PVC

00:13:37.480 pipes down in front of it and then one underneath in front and one underneath behind. And we just

00:13:43.680 rolled it along. Yep. That's it. Rolled it along. And then when, when we out rolled one,

00:13:47.920 we pulled it out and put it in front again and kept rolling and kept rolling and kept pulling

00:13:51.640 PVC pipe out. And eventually we moved not only the two radiators, but we moved to what's probably

00:13:57.220 six or 700 pound, uh, wood-burning stove that way as well. So that's cool. It pays to have friends

00:14:02.380 who know this stuff. And so you don't have to break your back doing this.

00:14:06.380 Well, and I love that stuff. I'm totally a tangent here, but there's like a,

00:14:09.760 you have to look it up. There's this YouTube video of, of guys using traditional tools to move

00:14:17.340 like really heavy things like massive logs and stuff. And it is, it is a lost art. It is darn

00:14:23.840 impressive. It is what you can do if you understand the system. Well, not only the system, but simple

00:14:29.960 machines, right? And I think there's six or seven simple machines. And so in that case we used,

00:14:34.760 we use two, we use the wheel and we use the lever, simple machines that will quite literally move

00:14:43.400 mountains. I mean, it's how the Egyptians moved pyramids usually using six simple machines.

00:14:47.920 Yeah. Super cool stuff. Yeah. All right. Anthony Baskill, his questions around jujitsu. He says,

00:14:54.200 I got to ask, is every jujitsu gym created equal? I've wrestled a small amount a long time ago,

00:14:59.960 but it seemed like training was much more rudimentary and basic, but could be practiced

00:15:05.380 almost and drilled almost individually. I didn't feel the same about the gym I visited.

00:15:09.920 I felt more like a big suck fest that surely would include another man's balls in my face without

00:15:15.740 training. Well, look, if you're going to have another man's balls in your face, you definitely

00:15:19.340 want it to be productive in some way. I mean, putting, putting a dude's balls in your face just

00:15:23.580 for the sake of it is not something I want to engage in. You better be learning something.

00:15:27.360 That's right. I mean, the answer of course is, is no, right? Every jujitsu gym is not created equal.

00:15:35.100 They're all different. Uh, you probably have more to say about this than I do, but you definitely

00:15:40.820 want to find a place that is reputable, that is, as producing, uh, tacticianers who are successful,

00:15:47.840 right. Who are, who are doing good things, who are advancing. Uh, but yeah, they're not all created

00:15:53.100 equal. And I think you have to go in and test different things to make sure that the one you're at

00:15:57.260 is going to be the best place for you. The only thing I would add, Ryan, and I think this,

00:16:01.460 I think this relates to life, right? Cause we see you guys do this all the time. It's like, well,

00:16:05.820 you know, I don't have a good gym where I'm at. And it's like, well, yeah, but guess what? You're,

00:16:10.080 you're starting. So that crappy gym, that's not amazing, which is like one of your only choices

00:16:15.520 is probably still a good choice. Right. It's a better choice than what you're currently doing.

00:16:20.620 Exactly. So, I mean, I don't know. My, my only concern is like to say, yeah, don't go to crappy

00:16:25.980 gyms. It's like, well, there's something to be learned everywhere. And, and I even see, you know,

00:16:31.380 there's kind of a little bit of a subculture in jujitsu where certain gyms are very self-defense,

00:16:38.160 um, traditional jujitsu, right? And then you'll go to, you know, gyms like the art of jujitsu,

00:16:47.400 Mendez brothers in California, you go train over there and everything's about points. It's the sport

00:16:53.040 of jujitsu, right? Everything is really driven around the point system. Now you may say, well,

00:16:58.780 you know, jujitsu is for me, you know, I'm doing jujitsu primarily for self-defense purposes. So this

00:17:03.140 school's not ideal. There's still a lot you can learn. You just have to bring your

00:17:08.100 mindset into that game. Right. And, and we have, we even have a tendency to do that in the gym that

00:17:13.660 we're at was we, we focus on the sport a little bit. And then, you know, we had some guys back in

00:17:19.320 the day prep for MMA fights. And so we would train with four ounce gloves. It was so insightful,

00:17:25.660 right? Because I, it, it exposed my jujitsu in a, in a way that I never realized certain things

00:17:33.000 wouldn't work, right? Like I had a stack pass that I just really enjoyed and I'm trying it on

00:17:37.980 this, on this big old guy, Kent, and he's just teeing off on my face.

00:17:41.120 Right. He just punches in your nose.

00:17:42.380 Yeah. Just punch him in the nose as I'm trying to pass. And I'm like, Oh wait, this is not going

00:17:46.480 to work or it will work, but I have to go or get out. Right. I can't just hang out there.

00:17:53.060 Right. And so, but I can have that mindset, right? I could still keep that own, my own style jujitsu

00:17:58.360 and almost go to any school and say, okay, as I'm learning these moves, these guys are teaching me,

00:18:03.340 I'm going to take what they're teaching me, but I'm also going to think about would this work in

00:18:07.720 a scenario on the street? Would this still work if the guy can throw down some hammer fists on my

00:18:14.600 face? Yes or no. What adjustments would I make and kind of mold it to what you're purposely looking

00:18:20.160 for? Yeah. I like that you're tying this into life because this is life. We're all going to be

00:18:25.040 in crappy situations. We're all going to be in less than favorable circumstances, but just because

00:18:29.440 you're stuck, for example, in a classroom and you're trying to gain education and you're finding

00:18:33.920 it miserable doesn't mean there isn't something that can be learned. You know, the other day I

00:18:38.360 was sitting in church and we had a speaker who was really, really boring, frankly. And I could have

00:18:43.140 just like tuned out completely and said, Oh, this is boring. It's not worth my time. But instead I said,

00:18:48.120 okay, well, what can I learn from this? Well, I can learn how not to present. I can learn,

00:18:52.580 I can try to extract different information and messaging that he is sharing. I might have to strain a

00:18:57.280 little harder, but I certainly can. And you turn negative situations into something positive where

00:19:02.920 you grow and you learn from, and that can be held in every circumstance in life. So I definitely

00:19:09.880 think there's something to be learned from every gym like you. But I do believe that some are better

00:19:14.300 than others based on what you want to accomplish and what it is you're trying to do. For sure. For

00:19:19.460 sure. And there's some value to Anthony's point. There's some value in that suck fest, right? Of that

00:19:25.040 grind. And it can be brutal. And, and maybe just think really, really hard the benefits of having

00:19:32.760 another dude's balls in your face. I don't know. We'll, we'll leave that up to you, Anthony.

00:19:37.640 Yeah. That's a fine line right there for sure. I mean, if you think about it, jujitsu is quite

00:19:43.840 disgusting actually. So just don't think about it. It's better if you don't think about it.

00:19:49.000 All the time. Yeah. But that's why I tell, that's why I tell the wife, right? It's like,

00:19:53.180 you just, you can't think about it. Don't think about it. And when you get a little piece of hair

00:19:57.500 in your mouth, don't think about that either. Like just, just keep training. Keep training.

00:20:02.320 Pete, Pete Roberts, um, with origin. He's a friend of mine. We were training the other day

00:20:07.160 and, uh, what did he call it? He called, I think he just called it like a, like a drip tap or a sweat

00:20:13.260 tap or something like that. Oh yeah. He was on top of this dude and he had his hands around like a,

00:20:19.680 like a cross choke. He just had his hands around this guy's neck. He was in Mount and he's like

00:20:23.760 shaking him like a baby and he couldn't get his hands into his neck. And so he literally just let

00:20:29.820 his sweat drip into this guy's eye. No one is who I, it went right into his eyeball and the dude tapped.

00:20:37.240 But it's like, it's so disgusting, man. It's just so grossed out. He's like, I'm done. I'm done.

00:20:42.200 I'm out. I'm out. What? And sometimes then that's how much of that is a jujitsu about being

00:20:47.040 uncomfortable. I was watching UFC number one. Uh, the UFC actually released the first UFC on

00:20:53.620 YouTube. Interesting. Okay. And it was super fun to watch. And I forgotten. In fact, there's a bunch

00:20:59.220 of funny stuff about this, but anyhow, I was watching it and I think Hoyce's first fight,

00:21:05.240 he wasn't even submitting the guy. Hmm. He just, he just had him mounted and it was just smothering.

00:21:10.660 And the guy was like tapping out. Like I can't deal, I can't deal with this. I can't move. I

00:21:15.780 can't breathe or, but he can, let's be honest. He can breathe. He was just freaking out.

00:21:20.700 Yeah. I mean, there's been times and I'm relatively new to the, to the art, but there's,

00:21:25.220 there's been times where I've had a big dude fully like on me and I almost tapped just from the weight

00:21:32.360 alone. And, and then there's been other times where I might have somebody behind me and he's got me in a

00:21:38.160 choke or something like that. And I've caught myself saying, just, just wait, man, you don't

00:21:42.200 need to tap yet. Like you're, this is probably going to lead to a submission. Like I know I'm on

00:21:46.580 the way out here, but just wait a second. Like, just feel it. Don't give up yet. Right. Embrace it.

00:21:52.360 And you know what? Every time we do that, I, we just make ourselves a little harder, a little tougher,

00:21:57.820 a little bit more resolute. And, and I think it's just good for life in general to feel

00:22:02.500 having somebody who's, who's proficient with his arms or, or hands around your neck and you just

00:22:09.940 embracing it rather than tapping out. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's move on.

00:22:15.240 I know. Let's just talk about jujitsu all day. I could actually, man, I've got the bug at the other

00:22:20.000 night. I was, I was trying to sleep and I couldn't sleep because I was just going through scenarios in

00:22:25.260 my mind. If this guy does this, then I would do that. And if I do that, then he'll do this. And if he

00:22:28.640 does this, then I'll do that. And I could not sleep. I love it. It's good. It's good stuff, man.

00:22:36.160 Stupid hip. Do you train every day? I try to, I want to. So no, the answer is no, no, probably three,

00:22:45.840 three days, at least three days a week. It's good. It's good. Yeah. All right. Let's, let's move on.

00:22:50.760 All right. Rennie Legault. Why is it when a man's child dies, he tends to bottle it up?

00:22:56.580 Why is the stigma about crying so strong that men feel guilty crying, even when the loss of a child?

00:23:04.220 And, you know, I've, gosh, fortunately I've never been in this situation, but I can't imagine that's

00:23:08.560 the case. Do, do men try to bottle it up when they, they have something that catastrophic happen?

00:23:14.320 I, I think they try. I don't think they can. I, what's it, how's this? Can we come into an

00:23:20.760 agreement that most men try to bottle up crying? Yeah, I agree with that in general. Yeah,

00:23:25.460 I agree with that. And I think the reason is, is because it's not about the stigma of crying.

00:23:30.280 I really don't think it's that. I actually think it comes from a good place. A lot of people say,

00:23:34.860 oh, it's bad. Oh, men should cry. Should they? I don't know if they should. Do they? Yeah. Because

00:23:39.900 they're, we're human beings. Right. Uh, but I think it comes from historically the fact that we have a job

00:23:48.960 to do and crying doesn't solve shit. Like you can feel bad about something and you know what? I've

00:23:55.240 cried. I cry. That's, that's not a big deal to me. But when the work has to be done, I suck up the

00:24:01.420 tears and get after the work because crying isn't helping anything. It's not helping me. It's not

00:24:07.620 helping my family. It's not helping anything at all. So there's times where it's appropriate to cry.

00:24:14.740 If you lose your child, oh my goodness. Yes. Cry. Of course. But if you're trying to talk to your

00:24:23.020 other children about why and what happened with this, or you're trying to support your wife and

00:24:27.960 maybe it isn't the appropriate time to cry. So I think that we, as men have to use a little

00:24:33.660 discernment in our lives and realize that yes, it's, it's, it's appropriate times. And guess what?

00:24:38.780 It's inappropriate at other times. I try to teach this to my baseball players. Uh, during the

00:24:45.000 baseball season, I had a kid get hit in the back with a baseball and he wanted to cry and he stopped

00:24:49.740 crying because he knew I would exactly what I would say, which is, Hey, now's not the time to cry.

00:24:53.720 You got a job to do. He wasn't injured. He just got hit in the back with a ball. It hurts. It stings.

00:24:58.500 That's it. So we got to first base and I could tell it's like really trying not to cry. Just really

00:25:04.400 trying not to cry. And I say, Hey man, did that hurt? He's like, yeah, coach that hurt. I said,

00:25:08.920 I get it. I get it. I want to commend you for not crying because you have a job to do right now,

00:25:13.280 which is to move from first base to second base. He's like, all right. So I gave him the steel signal

00:25:19.400 and he stole second base on the next pitch. And he looked at me and he had his held head held high.

00:25:23.540 And he was so proud of himself because he was managed to suck up the tears for a minute and do the work

00:25:29.720 and, and prove to himself that he was capable and support his team. And he was proud of that.

00:25:35.300 So there's times that we shouldn't be crying and there's times that we should. And I think the

00:25:38.860 stigma that, uh, that he's talking about right here comes from, uh, a misguided understanding

00:25:45.160 of when it's appropriate and when it isn't, but we got to evaluate that individually and find out

00:25:50.080 when it is. And if you lose your child, it's certainly appropriate to cry. Yeah. And I think it just

00:25:56.420 comes, you know, to reiterate what you're saying is, does it, is it serving you and is it serving

00:26:02.260 those around you? Yeah. The act of crying itself postpone it. That's right. And the act of crying

00:26:08.820 itself is serving you. If it, if it didn't serve you in some way, we wouldn't do it. We wouldn't

00:26:13.880 have evolved to cry, but, but we serving others. Yeah. Right. And at times it's not. And at times it's

00:26:22.180 okay. You have to figure out what that line is. Yeah. I, I don't remember where I picked it up

00:26:27.560 once, but someone told me that as a man, if you're going to cry, own it. What do you know?

00:26:34.900 Like, you mean like, Oh, own, own what you're crying about. Like there's something to be said.

00:26:39.960 And this is a little bit of a tangent, but there's something to be like, I don't know. How do I say

00:26:43.720 this? It's like, well, to be honest, I mean, this is actually great for this podcast and for me to

00:26:48.200 bring this up. I, I was at church on Sunday and, um, a friend of ours. Um, and this is always,

00:26:54.800 I don't know why this is so embarrassing. You can tell me if you get this sometimes, but someone goes,

00:26:58.920 Oh, Hey, uh, listen to, uh, one of your guys's episodes on the order of man podcast. And I listened

00:27:04.380 to, and he was trying to remember kind of what the mantra was of that episode. It's kind of funny how

00:27:09.280 these AMAs kind of have a theme to them sometimes. Yeah. And, and he was talking, he was trying to share

00:27:16.200 which one it was, and it was about, it was about, um, becoming obsolete as a father, right? As our,

00:27:23.540 as our job. And, and I was, I was sharing with him some of the statistics I've been reading about

00:27:28.860 just how important the role of fatherhood is, um, when it comes to raising boys and, and us preparing

00:27:36.540 them. And, um, and he actually started crying, right? As he, as he shared the power, the power of that

00:27:44.240 message. And sometimes we have a tendency that we have something really powerful to share,

00:27:50.580 but because we might cry, we don't share it. And I, and I think sometimes, you know, that,

00:27:58.840 that at least that phrase for me of own it is like still share, right? If that's like a really powerful

00:28:04.080 message and that's something that, that could impact and benefit someone, then share it and don't

00:28:09.540 let the fact that you're being emotional about it prevent the sharing. Well, I'll, I mean,

00:28:13.940 sometimes being emotional about is more powerful. I shared a, were you there at the last, you were

00:28:20.520 there at the last legacy. Yeah. And I shared a, a very personal story. In fact, I, I replayed it on a

00:28:27.560 Friday field notes a couple of weeks ago about my father dying and I was emotional about that.

00:28:32.620 And it was more powerful because I was emotional. That's not why I did it. It just happened to be that

00:28:38.680 I was emotional because I was deeply connected with that story and it was more powerful. It impacted

00:28:44.360 more people. So again, sometimes it's appropriate and other times it isn't. You find out what it is

00:28:50.920 and use it accordingly. Tom Ellis, as a single father of a four-year-old daughter, what can I do with her

00:28:59.000 that will allow us to bond like never before? Well, I did a podcast. I can't remember which one it is

00:29:05.340 right off hand, but if you go into iTunes or wherever you're listening to podcasts and type

00:29:09.220 in order of man, raising Queens, you can see 10 or 12 strategies that I outlined that will help you

00:29:16.140 raise a daughter. By the way, I did one called raising Kings, which is about raising sons. So

00:29:21.280 you can go in and check that out. Um, I think there's definitely some things there, but it's,

00:29:26.380 it's not hard guys. Like it's, it's really not hard. Just be involved and be excited about what

00:29:32.240 she is excited about. That's it. That's it. There's nothing else to it. I know we're all

00:29:39.780 looking for the secret formula and like, what's the one activity? Get excited about what she's

00:29:45.260 excited about. And if you can do that, then she's going to want to bond with you. She's going to want

00:29:49.760 to be around you. She feels good when she's with you. She likes that you like her. She likes that she

00:29:54.440 gets attention from you. So bond, do it. Just find out what she's interested in and be interested in

00:30:01.600 that. And even if you're not interested in it, because frankly, there's some things that my

00:30:04.860 daughter shows me that I'm not personally interested in. I'm interested in her, which

00:30:09.440 makes me interested in that. And that's why we have a good bond. There's not, there's not a

00:30:15.620 challenging thing. It just takes some effort. Yeah. And I was going to say, if you can find those

00:30:21.880 things, like your thing together, something unique that you guys do or traditions or something,

00:30:30.280 I think that helps like solidify those memories. One thing that, um, I do with my daughter,

00:30:38.180 Kika of late, which this has really been just, we started this probably last, I think last summer

00:30:43.440 is at, when we go to the lake, um, we have a little cabin off a lake and at nighttime when it's like

00:30:52.760 midnight, which is, by the way, this is not convenient at all. Like there's been numerous times where I'm

00:30:58.140 like, I do not go to bed. Right. Yeah. But at midnight I'll, I'll have the paddleboard out and

00:31:05.020 I'll put her on the paddleboard and we'll float out in the middle of the lake. It's awesome. And

00:31:10.180 she, and she will just lay there and, and we'll talk and we'll just talk about it. Whatever enters

00:31:16.500 her mind. And it is crazy what enters her mind. Like this last time it is like, do aliens look

00:31:23.700 like heavenly father? And like, you know, she's just like all over the place. I'm like, whoa,

00:31:28.080 this is craziness. But it was so awesome because when we came back to the house, she says, dad,

00:31:33.380 I really like it when we can talk about my thoughts. Yeah, of course. And I'm just like,

00:31:38.900 and she knows that's our thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yours is healthier than mine. Cause what we used

00:31:44.900 to do is we would just go, we don't, we haven't done it here. In fact, I probably ought to institute

00:31:48.440 something else instead, but we would just go every Saturday morning, her and I would go get donuts for

00:31:52.940 the family. And that was our thing. And on Friday night, she, cause kids don't know what day it is

00:31:58.900 at four years old. They should, it's highly annoying, but yeah. But Friday night, she knew

00:32:05.160 what Friday night was. Cause she's like, dad, are we going to get donuts in the morning? Like you bet

00:32:08.520 your butt we are. So just find something. Jeff Bogman, when do you shift tactics or alter your

00:32:17.420 goals during the 12 week battle plan? If your original thoughts were not realistic or do you just

00:32:22.760 stick it out until the next 12 weeks? And I'm going to add to Jeff's question here. How do you know

00:32:28.220 something is realistic versus you just kind of maybe bailing out right on something that might

00:32:34.840 be a little too difficult? Right. Well, I think you intuitively know that you inherently know that

00:32:39.400 like, you know, if you're, if you're being honest, right. If you're being honest with yourself,

00:32:43.200 you know, if you're being a bitch and you know, if you're just, you're, you're genuinely,

00:32:48.400 you can't do it. Like, you know that, right? I'm asking, I mean, guys know that, right?

00:32:54.080 Like, yeah, I mean, I think so, but let's be honest. Some guys are not being, there's some

00:32:58.920 integrity gap there and they're not being real with themselves and they're, you know what I mean?

00:33:03.660 I don't know. Let's be honest. Everyone cops out. People cop out. Oh, no doubt. But you know when

00:33:07.440 you're doing it, which is why you feel like shit for doing it. That's true. Like if you felt,

00:33:11.940 if you felt like crap because you quit, then you probably shouldn't have quit. But if you quit and you

00:33:16.960 don't feel bad about it or remorseful about it, then you know that, okay, well that was probably the

00:33:22.040 right decision to make. Yeah. Really quick. As we, as you answer Jeff's question about the 12 week

00:33:28.340 battle plan, do you want to just give a brief summary of what that is just for our new listeners?

00:33:33.820 Yeah. I mean, it's a, it's basically a framework that we've used. It's in the book. We've talked

00:33:37.920 about it at length here in the podcast. We've got battle planners available in the store at

00:33:42.480 orderofman.com. It's just a planning tool that we use. We use it extensively in the iron council.

00:33:48.580 Uh, it's a tool that we use to ensure that we are accomplishing big things in four key domains,

00:33:55.180 four key quadrants of our life over a period of, of 12 weeks. So it's a whole planning system

00:34:00.900 essentially is what it is. Uh, so to your question, not necessarily just, but your question, you know,

00:34:07.560 you know, if you feel bad about it, you may have punked out. If you don't feel bad about it,

00:34:11.480 it may have been the right decision. Now, when do you, when do you just stick through it? Or when do you,

00:34:17.160 you shift tactics, well, you should be shifting every day, every single day. Well, that didn't

00:34:23.140 work. That did work. Cause you're doing your after action review as well. So you figure out

00:34:27.160 what works, what didn't work, what did I do? Well, what didn't I do so well, where can I improve?

00:34:31.380 How do I adjust moving forward? The other thing that we built in on the second iteration of the

00:34:35.200 battle plan is we built in checkpoints, 30 day and 60 day checkpoints, because we need to ensure

00:34:40.660 that the tactics we're employing are moving us in the right direction. And if they're not,

00:34:44.680 when would you want to change? As soon as you understand that they're not moving you in the

00:34:48.160 right direction. If you wait until 12 weeks, you're too late. So you need to evaluate this

00:34:54.140 thing every single day. And, and you, one thing you have to be careful of is you have to be careful

00:35:00.040 of temporary movements in performance. You know, if you're jumping on the scale every day, for example,

00:35:05.140 uh, over the next 90 days, and you notice that one day your weight went up, that isn't something

00:35:10.880 to fret over necessarily. But if you notice it gradually creeping up over a period of seven or

00:35:16.000 10 or 14 days, okay, something's off. So we can't look at short-term metrics. We have to look at

00:35:21.940 trends. And if you're trending off, then you need to adjust as quickly as you possibly can to get

00:35:28.740 yourself back on track to hit those checkpoints and then ultimately hit your objective.

00:35:32.220 Does that help? Yeah. I think that's spot on.

00:35:39.480 Of course it is. The main thing is, yeah. Pivot. Well, yeah. It came from Ryan. So it's,

00:35:43.600 of course it's spot on. No, but just pivot, right? Just adjust. It doesn't mean, I mean,

00:35:48.940 that's life, right? That we should be doing that all the time. What I'm doing is not effective. Okay.

00:35:53.400 Adjust. Right. Adjust. Yeah. Just fix it. You know, the other thing too, is be careful of using the

00:35:58.400 word quit because that might keep you holding onto something that you don't need to be holding

00:36:01.860 onto. It could be a job. It could be a practice or a habit. Uh, and you don't want to be a quitter,

00:36:09.280 right? Yo, don't be a quitter. And yet there might actually be some things that you probably should

00:36:13.080 quit. And if you're, you're so wrapped up into this idea of not being a quitter, then you may be

00:36:19.580 hanging onto things that you probably should have let go a long time ago. So I choose not to necessarily

00:36:24.520 look, look at it as quitting, but just evolving, right? I've evolved. I've evolved past that habit

00:36:30.700 or I've evolved into this habit or I've evolved out of that job or I've evolved out of that

00:36:36.000 relationship. I talked about this the other day, but I saw a meme and it was a, or a comic or

00:36:41.540 something. And it was, it was a, uh, a caterpillar on one side of the table and a butterfly on the other

00:36:48.160 side of the table. And the caterpillar says to the butterfly, man, you've changed. And the

00:36:52.180 caterpillar says, yeah, that's the point. You should be evolving. You should be growing.

00:36:58.620 You should be changing every single day through this reflection process, through the after action

00:37:03.560 review. And if you're not quote unquote quitting some things, like what are you hanging onto? That's

00:37:07.840 not serving you anymore. Relationships, activities, hobbies, all kinds of different things that maybe

00:37:13.480 you should have let go a long time ago. One of the distinctions that John Gary Bishop made in,

00:37:19.460 in his book, um, that really resonated with me. And I really liked this concept is identifying

00:37:27.940 what you are willing and unwilling to do. I think we have a tendency sometimes and, and by default,

00:37:34.560 the battle plan forces us to do this. The battle plan says, I have this objective. This is the tactic

00:37:40.780 in which I would need to do to accomplish that objective. And I'm committing to doing it on a regular

00:37:46.380 basis. That is you more or less clarifying what you are willing to do to reach that objective

00:37:51.920 without that battle plan or without that system in place. I think people have this tendency to say,

00:37:57.680 and let's just simplify it really quick. Oh, I want to be rich. I want to be a millionaire. I don't,

00:38:03.300 I'm sure everyone would want to say that by default. Sure. But they've never clarified what is required

00:38:10.240 for me to actually become a millionaire. And if we really break it down and say, okay, well,

00:38:16.260 Kip, for you to become a millionaire based upon your current job, you're going to have to work 80

00:38:20.540 hours a week, not go on any vacations, probably sell your house, do these things. Once I clarify that,

00:38:27.560 then I can come to it and go, well, am I willing to do that? And, and I think a lot of us have these

00:38:34.160 pie in the sky goals that have not been clearly identified. And, and if we did, we would come to

00:38:39.960 the realization that we're unwilling to do that. I am not willing to sacrifice for that objective.

00:38:47.580 Thus, I should give it up. I should give up this, this weight I'm putting on myself of becoming a

00:38:53.520 millionaire and what's wrong with me and all this stuff when I'm not even willing to digest and break

00:38:58.120 it down to see what's necessary for me to reach it. And that's the beauty of the battle plan. It forces

00:39:02.980 us to identify what, what is required and our commitment to it.

00:39:09.320 Yeah. And yeah, like you said, if you even want it, I mean, I've caught myself doing this with

00:39:13.820 podcasts where Joe Rogan's a great example. I want what Joe Rogan has. And then I think about

00:39:18.900 what Joe Rogan has and I'm like, I don't want to do that. I kind of want to travel. I don't want to

00:39:23.960 be away from my family. I don't want to work that way. Am I wrong? No. Is he right or wrong? No.

00:39:28.860 No. Just whatever is good for him. And I'm not willing to invest that way in that thing. I am

00:39:35.460 willing to invest that way in other things like my family. And so I do. Right. And, and so we make

00:39:41.380 our choices, live with your choice, make your choices. This is the whole problem with fear of

00:39:45.280 missing out here, but I'm, I'm missing out on that thing. Well, yeah, because you made a choice.

00:39:49.740 If you don't like that choice, make a different choice next time. Don't just complain about it.

00:39:55.300 Make a different choice. And if you don't want to make that choice, then don't complain about it.

00:39:59.640 Yeah. And realize that every choice has a constant, not a constant, maybe that's not the right,

00:40:04.360 a cost. Yeah. Every choice, even, even, even good choices that you make. Let's just take the basic

00:40:11.360 one working out. There's a cost of working out. You got to get up an hour early. You got to drive

00:40:15.820 potentially. You got to go through a little bit of suffering. You've got to carve it out into your

00:40:19.620 day. You've got to sacrifice. You've got to have some soreness and some stiff joints afterwards.

00:40:24.440 Okay. Are you willing to pay that? Yes, I am. Good. Keep doing it. No, I'm not. Well then don't do

00:40:29.420 it, but don't complain about the results that you experienced either. Cause you know what it takes.

00:40:35.680 I love this. Uh, you may have, you're the only person I really follow on Instagram, but, uh,

00:40:40.960 maybe it was you that posted this. Oh man. It was really funny though. It's like, um, the best is,

00:40:47.460 wait, no, the best decision to be made is the correct one. The second best is the wrong decision.

00:40:54.560 And the third worst is not no decision. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Cause you got to act. You've

00:41:01.400 got to move. If you want something different in your life, you've got to do something differently.

00:41:05.260 And it's all a process of experimentation. Very few things that we can do on a daily basis are,

00:41:11.360 are, we're not able to overcome the consequence of those, of doing those things. There's nothing

00:41:16.040 that catastrophic is what I'm saying. So make some decisions and then evaluate to the, to the last

00:41:22.320 question, evaluate, pivot where you need to, and, uh, and get it figured out along the way.

00:41:28.860 Dean Ascot. I know what I need to do to get out of my depression and stuff, but how on earth do I get

00:41:38.220 my finger out of my arse and get it done? So he knows what he needs to do, but he's just

00:41:44.100 unmotivated or disciplined to do it. Do it. Just do it. Like you don't have to solve world hunger

00:41:50.500 tonight, but you do have to get off the couch. You don't have to have a six pack abs in the next two

00:41:57.340 days, but you do have to do 10 pushups. You don't have to find your ultimate purpose and career in

00:42:04.620 life, but you do need to turn in one job application. That's all. So what you do is you figure out

00:42:11.780 ultimately what it is you want. And it sounds like, uh, who was it? Was it Dean? Dean sounds like Dean

00:42:18.200 knows what he needs to do. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's just too ambitious right now. And that's really,

00:42:23.560 that's really, it's almost, I almost throw up in my mouth when I say that, when I say,

00:42:27.340 too ambitious, but it's true. We get this. Yeah. If you're, if you're stuck, all right,

00:42:33.780 and, and you don't know how to overcome whatever you're in, then momentum movement in the right

00:42:42.420 direction, not the ultimate leap, but just that first small little step that gets you on the path.

00:42:52.200 I don't know what it's like to be clinically depressed. So it's very difficult for me to

00:42:56.640 understand why someone just can't get moving, but I, I can see why that would be a problem.

00:43:04.040 So what I would say is lower your expectation a little bit and get your ass moving in the right

00:43:10.780 direction. And then tomorrow you can do something a little bit more grand instead of doing pen 10

00:43:15.060 pushups, do 11 tomorrow and then 12 the next day and 13 the next day and so on. And before you know

00:43:20.320 it, you're doing a hundred pushups a day before you know it, you're, you're bench pressing your,

00:43:24.780 your body weight or one and a half or two times your body weight before you know it,

00:43:29.540 you're going to run a marathon, but, but don't be overly ambitious to the point where you're like,

00:43:34.480 Oh, I can't do that. So I guess I'll just stay here with quote unquote, my finger in my arse,

00:43:38.280 get up, move, take one small step, secure that victory and then secure another one tomorrow.

00:43:48.140 So that's a little better than it was the day before.

00:43:52.420 And we, we give this advice a lot. And Ryan, you've brought this up so many times that sometimes

00:43:57.780 if, if what you're struggling with is, I don't know, writing so many words per day,

00:44:02.780 cause you want to focus on a book or applying for a job. Um, I like the fact that Ryan,

00:44:07.720 that you use the analogy of getting to the gym because a lot of the time guys, that's the answer.

00:44:12.140 It is physical. It is going to a gym. We'll help you in these other areas, right? Building some

00:44:19.160 resilience in regards to doing something difficult, delaying gratification through that same exact

00:44:26.080 process. Those are valuable and they kind of transcend different areas. I can't imagine,

00:44:32.740 or I can't even count how many times we've heard stories for a guy's share. We see this in the iron

00:44:38.560 council where they're struggling in an area of their life, let's say in a relationship and going

00:44:44.120 to the gym and getting started in that physical quadrant is what kickstarts the process for them.

00:44:51.620 So there's a lot to be said for literally that physical movement.

00:44:57.740 Well, one thing we talk about quite a bit as well is that you can't make decisions in a vacuum.

00:45:03.560 That's why going to the gym is so powerful because if you show discipline in one area of your life,

00:45:09.340 it's going to spill over into other areas of your life. Conversely, if you show weakness in one area

00:45:16.560 of your life, it will spill over into other areas of your life. It's that old adage. The way you do

00:45:21.040 one thing is the way you do everything. So if you improve the lowest hanging fruit, improve the lowest

00:45:27.180 hanging fruit, then naturally everything else is going to improve because of that and vice versa.

00:45:31.920 All right. Next question. Anthony Migliorino. What are the best practices in parenting to raise

00:45:40.440 healthy, happy, and confident boys? Best practices. Generally, I would say let your boys lead

00:45:48.460 because I think men and males in general are leaders or at least more apt to lead. So I think

00:45:56.700 there's something to be said for leading, for failing, for overcoming trial and adversity and

00:46:02.740 obstacles to being more capable than they were the day before. And that means that you have to allow

00:46:07.580 them to experience, to mess up and then to get back on the horse. So last night, my son, we've got a

00:46:13.940 little, uh, 50, uh, Honda dirt bike here. And my second son said, dad, can we get that out? And we

00:46:19.120 hadn't got it out since the move. I said, yeah, we'll get it out. So we get it out. We fuel it up,

00:46:23.020 we get it running. And he's never really ridden it. I think the last time he wrote it was when I

00:46:28.060 was on it with him, which was actually kind of a funny site cause it's small. And I said, all right,

00:46:34.200 here's how you do it. Here's what you do. And he was off to the races and he did great. And then he

00:46:40.440 came and he came back to the driveway and he couldn't stop. He couldn't figure out he was trying

00:46:46.240 to pull the handbrake, but he was, uh, turning the throttle at the same time. I'm like, let go of the

00:46:51.600 throttle. Let go, let go, let go. And he couldn't do it. So finally he just laid the bike over on

00:46:55.980 himself and it was his last run of the night. And, and I said, you know, he, he wanted to quit.

00:47:02.900 He's like, dad, let's just put the bike away. I said, no, we don't end on that. We don't end like

00:47:06.240 that. We never end like that. I said, you get your butt back on there and you go ride another lap and

00:47:10.880 do it right. And he was crying. He's like, dad, I don't want to. I'm like, I know you don't want to.

00:47:15.000 I understand. It's scary. You just wiped out. You feel embarrassed. I get that, but we don't

00:47:22.600 end on losses. So eventually I talked him back into getting on the bike and he was so proud of

00:47:27.560 him being able to get back on there and accomplish that. That's what boys need is they need trials.

00:47:32.840 They need adversity. They need to prove themselves capable. John Eldridge talks about it. And he says,

00:47:37.640 every man is attempting to answer the question. Am I enough? Which alludes to the fact that we as men

00:47:43.580 need to take action. Women generally tend to ask the question, am I special? Am I important?

00:47:49.320 Men ask, am I enough? That's a capability question. So how do you raise healthy, happy,

00:47:56.220 confident boys? You challenge them in ways that make them more capable so they can see their growth

00:48:03.440 and progress and they will be and develop the confidence that Anthony's talking about here.

00:48:09.400 That all comes with action and doing things they didn't previously think they could do.

00:48:16.640 Rob Everett, he has a nine-year-old that is testing everything and did the other day.

00:48:23.920 I let my emotions get the best of me. And when he was being disrespectful to his mother, I screamed,

00:48:29.840 backed him into a corner and scared the crap out of him. Now he doesn't want to do anything with me.

00:48:35.560 How would you help him understand that what I did was wrong and I'm sorry while still showing him

00:48:43.700 that disrespect will not be tolerated? Well, I think there's a question that needs,

00:48:47.800 or excuse me, a conversation that needs to get brought up first, which is I'm sorry.

00:48:51.920 Right? Rob, you know that the way you responded was inappropriate. And so you need to apologize for

00:48:58.760 that. Not apologize or say that's okay for him to be disrespectful, but to apologize for the way

00:49:05.620 that you handled that level of disrespect. And then I would also set some boundaries. So let's just

00:49:10.880 say your son's name is, I don't know, Timmy. All right? So it's, hey, Tim, I'm sorry about last night.

00:49:19.420 I responded inappropriately. I was very frustrated with how you were acting.

00:49:24.620 And I let it get the better of me. And I apologize about the way that I behaved. That said,

00:49:31.200 I will not tolerate that level of disrespect from you. And in the future, here is how I am going to

00:49:37.820 handle that level of disrespect. You're going to lose some privileges. You're going to lose some

00:49:43.080 opportunities, and you're not going to be able to engage with the family when you behave that way.

00:49:48.040 Are we in agreement there? You're going to get an agreement, right? Now the expectation has been laid.

00:49:54.020 The hardest part, you have to uphold it. That's a challenge because he's going to do it again.

00:49:59.200 Naturally. That's what boys do. I just told you that we're leaders, right? We want to lead,

00:50:03.280 which means that at times he's going to push on the boundaries because he wants to see what the

00:50:08.660 boundaries are. And he wants to assert himself. It's actually pretty positive, I think, because if

00:50:13.720 you had a boy who didn't do this, I would be worried. I'd be worried if I didn't have a son who

00:50:19.280 was pushing the boundaries and wondering where his role in society or life or our family dynamic was

00:50:24.660 because that would represent passivity. And I'm not interested in that. I want somebody who's strong

00:50:30.320 and bold and assertive, but I need to help him challenge that or, excuse me, channel that into

00:50:35.640 a productive outlet. But if we're going to scream and rage every time they get that way, and I'm not

00:50:42.000 scolding you, Rob, because I'm guilty of this. In fact, I just did an Instagram post about this.

00:50:46.520 I'm guilty of this just as much as anybody else, if not more so, then we're not responding in a

00:50:53.560 healthy manner that will help our boys find healthy parameters, right? Then they'll rebel even more.

00:51:00.940 So I think the answer is to first say sorry, because you know you're sorry. So I think you need to say

00:51:06.720 sorry. And then teach them the expectation, uphold the expectation, maintain your position as the

00:51:15.920 leader, the patriarch of the home by not losing your cool. Cause that's what little boys do, not men.

00:51:21.240 Again, I'm guilty of that as well. And I think over a sustained period of time of

00:51:26.680 upholding the standard, he'll begin to see what's acceptable and what isn't.

00:51:31.280 I'd like to call out to that, how you apologize to your son, you're apologizing because part of me

00:51:37.260 feels like that's the right thing to do, but you're also teaching him what men do when they make

00:51:43.720 mistakes. So, so be present to how you approach that because you're teaching him. Hey, guess what?

00:51:50.500 Everyone, people make mistakes. I made a mistake and you're not going to say it this way, but you're

00:51:55.820 illustrating and giving the example of how do you own a mistake? How do you correct it and move on?

00:52:02.800 If we don't do that, right? And we let our ego play the part and we have too much pride and we never

00:52:08.440 like admit when we're wrong and apologize. Guess what? Our kids are going to do. Right. They're

00:52:14.280 never going to either. Right. Yeah. So they're never going to own their mistakes. So, so, and I

00:52:19.280 don't know for you, but when I think about that, that kind of inspires me a little bit, uh, to do a

00:52:25.280 better job in owning my mistakes and apologizing appropriately. Because when I think of it from

00:52:30.840 that perspective, I'm like, okay, yeah, you know what? I need to show them what this looks like.

00:52:34.940 So that way they learn and they do the same thing. And I do want to clarify something you

00:52:40.200 said as well. Um, and I don't think you meant it this way. I just want to make sure we throw

00:52:43.640 this out here. Cause you said you may not do it that way. And then you were talking about

00:52:46.300 apologies, apologizing and saying, I made a mistake. Uh, and I think you'd be in agreement

00:52:51.400 with this. If you make a mistake, it's okay to say I made a mistake. Yeah. Like I I've gone

00:52:56.980 to my children and said, Hey, I'm sorry for the way that I responded. That was a mistake on my

00:53:02.000 part. And the way that I reacted was not anything to do with you as more to do with me. And I'm

00:53:08.620 sorry for behaving that way. Here's how I'm going to do it moving forward. Just be very

00:53:12.820 clear. I have a lot of questions from guys about, Oh, how do I, how do I talk to my kids

00:53:18.060 about death? And how do I talk with my kids about homosexuality? And how do I talk with my

00:53:23.160 kids about religion? And how do I talk with them about whatever name, the controversial

00:53:28.000 subject sex? How do I talk about pornography or drug use? You talk to them truthfully. You tell

00:53:34.280 them the truth. No other answer. You just tell them the truth and you do it in an appropriate way

00:53:42.220 based on their age and maturity. And you talk with them. It's not rocket science. Just share the truth.

00:53:50.580 It's scary. It's uncomfortable. It's not even scary. It's just uncomfortable. It sucks.

00:53:54.540 That's it. Deal with it. You're a man. You're going to have to do shitty things sometimes.

00:54:01.400 So have the true, powerful conversation. Let it be a catalyst for growth in your son or daughter's

00:54:07.040 life. That's it. Just be truthful with them. Nick Hilton. What is the easiest way to help our

00:54:14.800 three-year-old daughter adjust to having a new baby brother? I go back to work in a few days and she has

00:54:19.680 given us the run for our money. Yeah, of course, man. She's lost some attention.

00:54:24.900 Status quo has changed. Yeah. I mean, you would do the same thing, right? If somebody else starts

00:54:31.620 getting all the attention, you're going to clamor for attention in the only way that you know how.

00:54:34.980 And right now I might be throwing temper tantrums or acting out or misbehaving. It sounds like you

00:54:40.940 recognize what's going on. I think the best way to do it is to continue to have conversations with her,

00:54:47.760 continue to do activities with her, find time where it's not about her little brother either.

00:54:55.040 Because that's a problem. I think sometimes too, it's like, okay, I can spend time with you,

00:54:58.900 but our little baby boy, I have to bring him too. No, like work together with your wife and find a

00:55:04.860 way that you can just go with your daughter and the little brother isn't there. So she knows that

00:55:09.420 she's just as special and just as important. And you know what? That also serves mom too,

00:55:14.500 because you can get out of her hair for a minute and that helps her. She needs that.

00:55:18.380 So find ways to do things for just her and you continue to have the conversations that you need

00:55:24.140 to have. And also I would say, enlist her in the process of raising the baby brother. I think,

00:55:30.440 I think little girls are naturally going to do this anyways, because they're nurturing by nature

00:55:34.680 is, is have her help you and be involved in the process of not parenting, but of, of raising and

00:55:42.000 helping and assisting. I think she'd be all about that. So there's some, there's a couple of

00:55:46.340 pointers I'd suggest. Yeah. And by the way, the same thing's going to happen between you and your

00:55:51.000 spouse. Yeah, true. Good point. Right. Yeah. Good point. That baby becomes a priority. You guys stop

00:55:56.480 going on date nights, right? Disrupting your guys' relationship with one another. Like we just have

00:56:02.060 to be intentional about those other relationships. Something I love that Stephen Covey did that he talked

00:56:07.040 about in his book, you know, seven habits of highly effective people is he has, I think it was

00:56:11.680 monthly date nights with each of his kids. Well, this becomes even more critical, right? For your

00:56:17.360 three-year-old daughter that she gets alone time with mom and dad. Um, now that there's this new

00:56:23.980 human being that's sucking up everybody's attention and energy. So be intentional with that relationship

00:56:30.460 with her, but, but also, you know, with your spouse. Yes, definitely. Definitely. Thomas Zimmerman.

00:56:37.160 How do I help instill respect in my kids for mom? While I'm away for work. I have raised her in front

00:56:44.300 of them. I have praised her in front of them. I'm like raised. You raised her. That's weird. I have

00:56:50.480 praised her in front of them, told them we are equal and authority and et cetera. I've suggested to her

00:56:54.900 that perhaps it's how we talk to them, not necessarily degrading, but definitely demanding

00:57:00.060 which she bristles as the bristles at the idea that she has to change. Uh, the, the, I'm trying

00:57:08.400 to wrap my head around this. His wife bristles at the idea that she has to change. Yeah. That,

00:57:13.140 that maybe it's the way that there were, that they're communicating to their kids in regards to

00:57:17.920 why they're not respecting her as much. I mean, my wife and I have had that conversation,

00:57:21.360 you know, about yelling or about being too harsh with the kids or not giving them an attention or

00:57:27.240 the way that we say things. And I'm not pointing fingers at her. I do it as well. And so we have

00:57:32.320 conversations every single night about what we're doing in life and how we're raising kids and what

00:57:37.260 our activities are and what we want to grow. We, we, my wife and I talk about this stuff. And so it's

00:57:42.400 not a stretch to talk about where each of us need to improve. So I start first. What do I need to

00:57:48.320 improve in, in my domain about how we raise the kids? And then I would prompt her, ask her what,

00:57:55.800 what can you do to improve in the way that you're raising kids? You don't need to offer solutions.

00:58:00.500 Let her offer them after you go first, leaders go first, right? They lead. That's kind of the

00:58:05.780 root word of the, of the term lead go first. Hey, hon, I've been really thinking about raising the kids.

00:58:12.440 And one thing I think I can really do to improve my situation is the way that, uh,

00:58:16.480 the way that I communicate with them. I I'm, I'm impatient with them. And sometimes I raise my

00:58:21.460 voice and I know that creates a challenging situation. Do you, do you, do you see that

00:58:27.340 and walk through that and then ask her, is there some things that you want to work on or that you're

00:58:31.260 trying to improve in your life to be more proficient in this area? I mean, I think if you

00:58:36.420 have a mature woman, then she's probably going to recognize that if she doesn't, then keep doing

00:58:40.400 your thing. Just keep doing your thing. Keep leading from the front. Keep sharing what you're

00:58:45.240 working on. Uh, keep improving in that department, keep the lines of communication open. And I think

00:58:50.320 eventually she'll start to come around and see that this is having a positive impact on,

00:58:55.520 on the kids. Uh, but the same thing with the kids too, is think about how you're communicating,

00:59:00.460 not just with your wife, but how are you communicating with them? Cause they might see

00:59:05.140 you treating your wife with respect, but are you treating the kids with respect? Cause if you're not

00:59:09.080 there to your previous point earlier, they're learning from that experience as well. And if dad's

00:59:14.080 going to be impatient and short with them, like sometimes I am, for example, I see my oldest son

00:59:18.460 and the way he treats his siblings. And I think that's, he's doing exactly what I would do. And I,

00:59:23.780 I don't approve of that behavior. And yet I kind of do because I'm the one instigating it.

00:59:28.400 Yeah, totally. Right. He's learning from me. So how are you treating them? And I think that's a,

00:59:34.600 a natural extension of how they're going to treat their mother and their siblings and everybody else

00:59:41.060 they come in contact with. Yeah. I love, I love that concept from the perspective of we create

00:59:48.040 opportunities and show people what's possible by, by us making those adjustments and those changes,

00:59:55.240 right? By you owning the fact, the fact that maybe there's been a communication breakdown between you

01:00:00.400 and the kids by default, when you do that, people automatically reflect and go, Hmm, like,

01:00:07.720 is that applicable to me without you even saying, Hey, you should consider this as well. Right.

01:00:13.660 And, and there's a little sense of, I mean, I I'm getting a little sense of like a little

01:00:17.860 extreme ownership here from, from Jaco's perspective on this, right? Run with it. And, and over time,

01:00:25.560 right, she she'll, she'll see the value and the example that you're setting, uh, through your actions.

01:00:32.220 This is the most, this is the most critical time that you take extreme ownership because if you're

01:00:37.120 only taking ownership when it, it 100% is you, then that's easy. That's easy. There's no challenge

01:00:44.800 in that. It's a given. But if you take ownership when there might actually be other parts and dynamics

01:00:53.260 and relationships at play, like your wife and the way that she's treating the kids, if you take

01:00:57.900 ownership in that situation, that's infinitely harder to do. This is actually where it matters,

01:01:03.360 where the rubber meets the road, if you will. And, and I think that inevitably she's going to see

01:01:08.940 that growth and she will improve. She will get better at this, not because you're demanding or asking

01:01:14.300 even, but because you're doing it and it's creating results and she's going to be excited about that.

01:01:22.680 And I just to add really quick, I think that personal one-on-one conversation with your kids

01:01:27.540 might help. There's a, there's a much different scenario as a parent to sit down with all your

01:01:32.200 kids in the room and say, Hey, you guys need to respect your mother more and blah, blah, blah.

01:01:36.800 Versus you going on date night with Timmy and saying, Hey Timmy, I haven't, I haven't asked of you.

01:01:43.900 What's that dad? You know, I really noticed the way that you talk to your mom sometimes comes,

01:01:47.960 comes across a little short and I need your help. I need you to enlist you and making sure that,

01:01:55.220 that we're making sure that mom knows that, that we really appreciate her. Right. Cause she does a

01:02:00.460 lot for us and blah, blah, blah. And you know, set that tone and have a personal ask. That's way more

01:02:06.400 powerful than just throwing it out there at all the kids at the same time. Yeah, definitely. Well,

01:02:12.220 I think that's a great point. And one other thing I would reiterate too, is that sometimes you don't

01:02:16.260 even need to say those things. Yeah. Sometimes it's, I've noticed if I go out and hang out just with me

01:02:23.780 and my oldest son, for example, that he'll come back and the way that he treats his siblings

01:02:28.000 is significantly better than before we went out and hung out. And we had that level of respect and

01:02:33.180 understanding, mutual respect for each other. Just spending time with each other. Right. Because

01:02:37.220 he's like, Oh, Oh, this is how I, this is how I'm supposed to show up. Yeah. And I'm valued like

01:02:42.320 that addresses. Yeah. That addresses the whole value thing immediately. Right. For sure.

01:02:46.540 Christopher Croom, what are the most difficult aspects of implementing plans for change and how

01:02:54.060 do, or how do I, or you plant? Okay. Let me step back, man. What are the most difficult aspects of

01:03:01.400 implementing plans for change and how do, and did you plan for getting through self-sabotaging habits

01:03:07.700 such as excessive self-criticism, excuses that lead to letting yourself off the hook?

01:03:13.920 Make choices, make choices. You know, it's, it, we're, we're not animals. We're not subjects to

01:03:21.440 our, subject to our, our instincts alone. We're not mindless robots or zombies that can't

01:03:27.640 interact with the environment and change simply because we want to just do that. Just, just change,

01:03:35.700 make a choice, make a plan. You got to have a plan in place. That's why the 12 week plan is so

01:03:40.620 important. And, and then do it. And when you succeed, let yourself know, Hey, good job.

01:03:48.500 Congratulate yourself. Live in it for a minute, live it up. And when you don't succeed,

01:03:54.420 you go through that after action review. All right. I didn't, I fell behind. I failed. What can I learn

01:03:58.380 from this? How can I grow? What am I going to do better tomorrow? And fix it course, correct.

01:04:01.660 As soon as you possibly can. Uh, the, the self-criticism that might come from where your

01:04:08.880 focus is, you might be focused too heavily on some failures in the past instead of letting those

01:04:14.840 things go or even choosing. Again, I'm coming back to conscious thought choosing to focus on where

01:04:21.660 you've shined. You know, we'll go back to jujitsu. It's, it's hard when you're doing jujitsu and you're

01:04:28.140 new in the, in the art and you're trying to be better. It's hard to be at the bottom of the

01:04:33.360 totem pole, but that's, that's where you are. And so you see all these other guys around you and

01:04:37.500 it's disheartening thinking, well, I'm, I'm the worst at this. Like all these guys are better at,

01:04:41.220 at this than me. Then what can you do? Well, tie, tie it back to something that you've achieved in life.

01:04:48.700 Tie it back to a scenario in your life where you were at the bottom of the totem pole

01:04:52.920 and you worked your way up and gain hope from that. Right. I, I was, I, I was an entry level

01:05:00.600 position at this retail clothing store and over a course of 12 months, then I went on to manage it.

01:05:06.120 And then I became a regional manager. And now I've been hired in the corporate office and I'm helping,

01:05:10.700 you know, 30 to 50 stores with, with growth. That's something to be proud of. And that gives

01:05:18.960 you hope and optimism that if you did it there, you can certainly do it in this other facet of life.

01:05:25.640 So be careful of what you're focusing on. If all you do is focus on your, your losses and your

01:05:32.460 failures, then of course you're going to be critical of yourself, but you're not one dimensional. You

01:05:37.960 haven't just failed at everything you've done. You've also succeeded at some things regardless of

01:05:43.500 how minor and small those things may have been draw upon those and use those as powerful tools and

01:05:49.260 growth for, for what it is you, you want to accomplish. So ultimately you've got to have a

01:05:54.740 plan, 12 week battle plan. We've talked about it at length, right? Uh, and then do your after action

01:06:00.320 reviews and you'll start to negate some of this self-criticism or excuses that you've hung onto for

01:06:06.720 probably way too long. Would you say Ryan, that, that some of the value, if we use your jujitsu

01:06:14.120 as an example, that maybe showing up to your class, your focus isn't how good you are, but it's maybe

01:06:22.920 the focus should be how you show up or that you showed up. Yeah. Sometimes that's all you, you know

01:06:29.840 what? There's been days where I've gone in and I'm like this, that sucked, but you know what? I was

01:06:35.140 here. I was here. That was my win for the day. Everything else, everything else from there was

01:06:40.620 downhill, but I was here and that's to be accomplished or that's to be rewarded as

01:06:46.400 accomplishment, not rewarded, just acknowledged as a, as a, uh, as an achievement, I should say.

01:06:55.080 Nick McVeigh, it seems to me that people in general have lost the ability to have a conversation

01:07:01.060 and disagreed respectfully. How do men respectfully and maturely have a conversation with other men

01:07:07.100 who disagree with them on the important topics such as politics, religion, parenting styles,

01:07:12.320 and et cetera, et cetera. I rarely see men handle this well, and it usually ends in mud slinging.

01:07:19.020 You know, it really comes down to what is the ultimate outcome. And you have to be able to have

01:07:22.880 conversations with men in order to have these mature discussions that you're talking about,

01:07:27.040 who have the same outcome as you. If, if your outcome and your result is, if they're, if the

01:07:33.460 result is at odds with each other, you're going to have a hard time having a mature discussion.

01:07:38.080 But if the result, the ultimate result is alignment. So for example, uh, you could be talking

01:07:44.220 within your business about, uh, uh, expansion for the company and you're, you're, let's say you and I

01:07:50.820 work at the same organization and we both want growth for the company, but we disagree with how

01:07:55.840 we're going to go about doing that. Well, we both want growth, right? We know that we both want

01:08:00.600 growth. And so we have to let down. I, I have to let my ego go and know that growth is the ultimate

01:08:07.260 result. And if you do the same thing, then we'll come to some sort of mutual understanding that

01:08:14.060 helps us accomplish the goal. It's a give and take. Uh, there might be some things where I can

01:08:19.160 see to you because you're, you're right. There might be some things that you can see to me because

01:08:23.160 I'm right in those aspects. And because we have this mutual objective, we're able to get to that

01:08:30.260 point. Now, if at any point I realized that you're incapable of a mature discussion or your end result

01:08:36.580 is at odds with mine, then it might just behoove me to bow out of the conversation altogether.

01:08:42.760 I think that's something we need to be very aware of is that we think that, Oh, like we have to,

01:08:48.040 we have to have these conversations. I'm not going to have a conversation with somebody who's going

01:08:51.660 to behave like this because I can have conversations with thousands and thousands of other people

01:08:56.520 who I might disagree with. And yet we can have civil mature discussions. I'm not going to try to

01:09:01.220 convince some immature child to converse with me maturely. I'm going to find somebody who's already

01:09:08.940 mature and capable of these discussions and have conversations with those people. And it's just a,

01:09:13.940 it's just deciding who you're going to have conversations with.

01:09:16.320 I think a great book on this would be crucial conversations. I, if I remember correctly, some of

01:09:23.720 the key things in that book that it establishes, you, you can't have a difficult conversation where

01:09:28.800 there's no trust. First of all. Yes. And if there's not mutual respect. So even if like, if Ryan and I

01:09:35.980 are both on the same page in regards to, I don't know, driving the iron council forward, if he doesn't

01:09:41.320 trust me, everything coming out of my mouth is untrustworthy or it has the potential of being

01:09:46.900 untrustworthy. Thus, we're not going to have an effective conversation. If there's a lack of

01:09:51.380 respect between us, then we're going to be overly sensitive about being offended or offending the

01:09:56.340 other individual or whatever. And so some of that conversation is about mitigating those issues

01:10:01.340 first, right? Are we on the same page? Is there trust established? And maybe the conversation is

01:10:06.300 addressing that, Hey, I know you're really passionate about this. I understand that in our

01:10:11.800 past, you know, I've run you in this particular way and then get into the subject. Like there's

01:10:16.380 some strategy around those conversations, but I think I kind of also, I think for most guys,

01:10:20.600 Ryan, and maybe you agree or not is we have a tendency to have these conversations with,

01:10:26.360 with people that are not like-minded, excuse me, that aren't on the same page that aren't

01:10:32.420 mature enough to actually even have the conversation and they're looking for a fight. I feel like

01:10:38.360 most of the time it's those kinds of people. And, and to that, most of those people, I don't,

01:10:43.500 I just don't engage, right? I'm not in, I have no desire to try to convince them to change their

01:10:50.480 state of mind, mostly because they're not, they don't have a growth mindset and they're not coming

01:10:54.240 from a position of even considering other ideas. Now here's the beautiful part though. I can still

01:10:59.920 listen to them. I can still go, Oh, you know what? That's an interesting insight. I don't have to

01:11:05.040 agree, but I can still listen to them and not be that side of the coin that's causing the argument.

01:11:11.920 Yeah. I mean, it's, I think that's exactly right. I think you're dead on.

01:11:16.520 I have to do this all the time because my wife's family's

01:11:19.040 highly, uh, we see the political spectrum drastically different and it's actually been

01:11:25.320 really great because I love and respect them. And I've really gotten past the idea of like

01:11:30.980 trying to convince like, and what's great about it is sometimes I'll get asks, Hey Kip,

01:11:35.460 how do you feel about this? But most of the time it's funny as I see people engage all the time.

01:11:40.620 They're not, they're not engaging to learn or to be edified. They're, they're, they're wanting to

01:11:46.700 hear themselves talk. Right. And they actually think by arguing and yelling at someone that the

01:11:52.660 other person's going to go, Oh, geez, you know what? You're right. Now that you've

01:11:55.620 belittled me and argue with me, I'm going to change my point of view. It's like, come on,

01:11:59.320 people don't do that. I don't know. Right. Agreed. Definitely. Cool. Should we wrap up?

01:12:06.020 Uh, let's take maybe one more. Yeah. And then I've got another call here in a minute.

01:12:09.300 All right. Sounds good. John Wells, how much value do you place on your spiritual health?

01:12:17.380 Um, I mean, I, it's hard to quantify, but it's a critical component of what I do.

01:12:21.480 You know, I'm, I'm, I'm reading scriptures every day. I, I, I attend my, my church and

01:12:27.040 try to, uh, espouse the principles that are taught. Uh, I think it's critical that we have

01:12:32.020 some sort of compass and guiding principles and something beyond ourselves that's guiding

01:12:36.640 and directing us. So I place a high emphasis and priority and value on those things. Although

01:12:42.620 it's hard for me to quantify it's, it's 90% important of my life. I don't know. It's just

01:12:48.300 a critical component of my life. Is this hard for you, Ryan? What I have a tendency to have

01:12:53.740 my grind, right? My work and, and all these temporary, and I, and I purposely use that term

01:12:59.600 temporary, all these temporary things get in the way of really the more important thing.

01:13:06.580 And that is kind of my opinion, my, my eternal perspective and progression and spiritualness.

01:13:12.000 Is that a struggle for you? Um, it doesn't seem to be, although I feel like I'm more integrated

01:13:19.240 than I've ever been. And, and what I mean by that is that my spiritual health isn't some

01:13:25.660 subcategory of what I do and neither is my physical health and neither is what I'm doing

01:13:29.580 with my family and neither is what I'm doing for work. And I feel like there's a very, very

01:13:34.420 strong correlation between me having this conversation with you, Kip, and the, in the hundreds of thousands

01:13:40.080 of guys who are going to listen to it and my spiritual health. There's a very strong correlation

01:13:45.920 between me going into the gym and how I show up as a father. There's a strong correlation

01:13:50.340 between me taking an evening or a day and cleaning out my barn and getting ready for this event.

01:13:55.360 And then my ultimate purpose of, of becoming the best man that I'm capable of becoming this

01:14:01.460 integration that I've found has really, really been helpful, uh, and, and liberating. And then

01:14:08.260 also very, very efficient. It's a very, very efficient way to operate. And it's, I've been

01:14:13.900 fortunate to be able to find it. And would you say that's a result of you being clear on what

01:14:19.800 your purpose is? It's a result of me doing what I want to do and stop coming up with a

01:14:24.420 bullshit excuses as to why can't or shouldn't. Yeah. I mean, who, who, who, like it's, if you

01:14:31.380 think about it for the, for the podcast or for the movement in general, I mean, think about

01:14:35.480 explain, I don't even like explaining what I do because people are like, Oh, what do

01:14:38.540 you do for your real job? That's when I get a lot. It's like, this is my real job. They

01:14:42.840 don't, they can't wrap their heads around it because it's set. And I'm not blaming them.

01:14:46.380 I'm just saying it sounds so foreign and I could have come up with a thousand reasons,

01:14:51.340 literally a thousand, if not more reasons why I shouldn't start a podcast, why I shouldn't

01:14:56.020 sell my financial planning practice, why I should move to Maine, why I shouldn't start

01:15:00.520 events, why I shouldn't have this conversation or do the podcast and, and all of that I could

01:15:06.980 have justified, but I would have regretted it. Even if I wasn't willing to admit it, I

01:15:11.400 would have regretted it deep down inside. And that would have created some animosity or

01:15:17.980 contention in my life. But now I just say, yes, I like that idea. I'm just going to say

01:15:22.900 yes. And if it doesn't work out, at least I said yes to it and I tried it and I found out

01:15:27.000 and if it does cool, that's awesome. Cause I explored and discovered something that I hadn't

01:15:32.260 previously known about myself. Some guys, I think sometimes listen to you, Ryan, and your

01:15:39.000 story around and what you do. And they think that it's because you are doing order of man,

01:15:45.380 because you're doing iron council. It's doing that, that your purpose is somehow stronger.

01:15:49.900 And, and I, and I feel that this is necessary to say this, that, so I quote unquote have a

01:15:56.800 more normal job than Ryan. Right. But I think I can find purpose in what I'm doing equally the

01:16:05.920 same, right? Like the conversation that I have with clients later today, how I show up in those

01:16:11.940 conversations is from a genuine perspective, from a perspective of, of being impactful and

01:16:18.200 influencing and it's more personable. Does it make sense? How I lead my team is from a perspective

01:16:23.780 of helping them become better men, not just, I don't know, making sure that you get their shit

01:16:29.060 done. Right. Like I think we can almost take any jobs that we're doing and really find strong,

01:16:35.680 lasting purpose in them and, and, and have lasting impact far greater than just, well, I, you know,

01:16:42.740 Ryan, I don't do a podcast, right? I don't do these things to help other men or to help other

01:16:47.160 people. And I think we have a tendency to kind of, I don't know, downplay our current positions and

01:16:54.440 jobs and, and those kinds of things and think that we don't have equally as powerful, um, impact.

01:17:01.020 Would, would you agree or disagree? Uh, that we have the, that we have the impact or have the ability

01:17:07.060 to impact. Yeah. Like that those opportunities present themselves in almost regardless of what our,

01:17:13.040 our professions are. Oh yeah. I mean, I don't care what you're doing as long as it's in tune with who

01:17:19.180 you want to be and where you find value. It doesn't, I've got a friend who he actually bought my

01:17:24.960 financial planning practice and I got, I don't want to say jaded, but I just got tired of doing the

01:17:30.120 financial planning stuff. And when he bought my practice, I would talk with him and I, and I would

01:17:34.780 hear in his voice, how excited he was about it. And it was really fascinating because he sounded,

01:17:40.820 he sounded like how I sound when I talk about order of man, but he, but it was something completely

01:17:48.200 different. And so it isn't that this is the ultimate purpose for everyone is that order of

01:17:53.000 man is the ultimate purpose for me. It isn't that financial planning wasn't, isn't the purpose for

01:17:58.200 anyone. It just wasn't the purpose for me because he's found value in it. So yeah, it doesn't matter

01:18:02.680 what you're doing. As long as it speaks to you, then go all in on that thing and be the best at that

01:18:09.260 thing. Yeah. Well, if you guys want to be the best versions of yourselves, one way you can do

01:18:18.040 that is join us in the iron council. That is our exclusive brotherhood for the order of man. You

01:18:24.080 can learn more about the iron council at order of man.com slash iron council. And a lot of the

01:18:29.280 principles we talk, I mean, it's a given, right? We're going to talk about principles that we share

01:18:34.340 and implement within the IC naturally on this podcast. One of them specifically that I feel

01:18:39.740 it's necessary to call out is that of the battle plan or the 12 week battle plan. Uh, you can also

01:18:45.280 learn about the battle plan and how to implement that, uh, by buying Ryan's book sovereignty. Uh,

01:18:51.840 you can find that typically on Amazon. Um, what do you purposely try to direct people to any

01:18:58.740 particular location or Amazon is best? Yeah, that's the best place. Yeah, definitely. Um,

01:19:03.820 and then you can also get the accompanying battle planner, which is a tracking tool at the order of

01:19:09.600 man store. Uh, you can get to the store at store.orderofman.com and obviously find other

01:19:16.220 things such as hats and decals and flags and shirts and other things as well, uh, to join us on this AMA

01:19:24.660 and submit your questions for future episodes. One of the ways you can do that is obviously by

01:19:29.340 being a member of the iron council. The other is through our private Facebook group to join that

01:19:34.940 group. It's facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. And of course, guys, if you like this

01:19:40.820 message and you're committed to this movement, the importance of this battle that we are fighting,

01:19:46.740 um, subscribing to the podcast, leave a rating review and just sharing this message,

01:19:52.020 um, sharing the podcast, uh, reposting on social media or, or sharing a particular episode that

01:19:58.940 resonates with you with someone else or these interviews that Ryan does that that's literally

01:20:04.800 my process of determining what books I'm reading. That's literally what I do. I listen to the

01:20:10.140 interview and I'm like, Hey, if that guy had some profound things to say, I'm buying that book.

01:20:13.960 Perfect. Right. That's, that's kind of how I work. And so, and, and sharing these books with

01:20:18.000 people, right? That's how, that's, that's how you enlist men that you appreciate that. You're

01:20:22.920 not quite sure if they're, they're like minded or they're on the path with you, buy them a book and

01:20:28.380 say, Hey, read this book. Let me know when you're done. And depending on that conversation, when

01:20:33.360 they're done reading that book, you'll know if they're on that path or not. Yeah, I, I definitely

01:20:38.380 agree. I mean, there's, there's value in walking on the same path and suing, seeing who wants to walk

01:20:43.020 with you for sure. Totally. Yeah. Um, and then we have the order of man event coming up August 10th

01:20:48.980 through 11th. We believe we have a couple more spots to learn more. Go to order of man.com

01:20:55.680 slash main event. And that's M A I N E as in the state event. Perfect. Love it, man.

01:21:04.000 That's it. That's all I've got. I appreciate you, Kip. As always appreciate you guys. Great

01:21:08.080 questions today. I think we have a few more leftover, uh, that we'll get to next week,

01:21:11.700 but keep the questions coming. Let's keep this conversation rolling. We need it now more than

01:21:15.620 ever. And I'm honored to be standing shoulder to shoulder with Kip, you and the rest of the guys

01:21:19.760 who tune in. And as Kip said, make sure you share this more men need to hear this message. So we'll

01:21:24.200 let you get going, uh, until what do we got Friday, Friday for our Friday field notes, go out there,

01:21:28.800 take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:21:34.440 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:21:38.240 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - July 31, 2019

Do Men Cry, Shifting Ineffective Tactics, and Raising Confident Boys ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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