Order of Man - July 26, 2024


Do Not Be a Lone Wolf ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats


Length

32 minutes

Words per minute

201.67426

Word count

6,601

Sentence count

451

Harmful content

Misogyny

2

sentences flagged

Hate speech

6

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I discuss the dangers of being a "lone wolf" and offer 5 ways to ensure you are working to build a band of brothers. 1. Engage in manly activities 2. Connect with other men 3. Build personal connections 4. Connect professionally 5. Network

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 We have to engage in what I call manly activities.
00:00:03.000 People will say, well, what's a manly activity?
00:00:04.740 We all know what they are.
00:00:05.800 They're physical in nature.
00:00:07.040 They're typically competitive in nature.
00:00:09.020 They typically involve loud noises, big explosions,
00:00:13.000 and interesting smells.
00:00:14.880 That's what a manly activity is.
00:00:16.760 So what does that look like?
00:00:18.060 Well, jujitsu is a great one.
00:00:19.980 It could be going to the gun range and learning how to shoot.
00:00:22.200 It could be a pickup game of basketball this weekend,
00:00:24.580 or maybe you're going to decide to participate in a Spartan race
00:00:28.340 or just lifting or CrossFit
00:00:30.080 or any number of things that you know you should be doing.
00:00:33.840 You're a man of action.
00:00:35.500 You live life to the fullest.
00:00:36.940 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:39.880 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:44.340 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:49.340 This is your life.
00:00:50.460 This is who you are.
00:00:51.700 This is who you will become.
00:00:53.700 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:56.240 you can call yourself a man.
00:00:59.680 Gentlemen, do not be a lone wolf.
00:01:01.960 I know that in today's age, it is so tempting to go at life alone,
00:01:07.020 to think that you have it all figured out.
00:01:08.940 Maybe even there's a little bit of jadedness from being burned in the past
00:01:13.120 or having friends and brothers who weren't reliable.
00:01:17.200 But I'll tell you what, being a lone wolf,
00:01:19.100 thinking that you can do it on your own, is a recipe for disaster.
00:01:23.400 It works fine and great until it doesn't.
00:01:25.320 And then when something goes wrong, whether it's a medical diagnosis,
00:01:28.980 a divorce, a loss of a job, whatever it might be,
00:01:32.220 then we realize that, man, we should have been building out our band of brothers this entire time.
00:01:36.820 But because we let our ego and our pride get in the way,
00:01:40.820 we find ourselves in a position that isn't favorable.
00:01:44.540 So many men are alone and sad and lonely.
00:01:50.000 They don't have anyone to turn to.
00:01:51.960 They don't have anybody to bounce ideas off.
00:01:54.540 They don't have anybody to network.
00:01:55.880 They're lacking on professional networking opportunities.
00:01:59.180 They're lacking meaningful connection.
00:02:01.180 They're lacking the conversations that we as men should and need to have.
00:02:06.940 And I think the biggest culprit is this idea that you can just do it alone.
00:02:11.080 And anytime I've heard somebody say something about being proud of being a lone wolf,
00:02:17.360 it usually is coming from a position of ego and arrogance and pride.
00:02:20.980 You can hear it in their voice.
00:02:22.000 I don't need anybody.
00:02:23.060 I've got this figured out.
00:02:24.120 I can do it all on my own.
00:02:25.760 Some of that is pride.
00:02:26.700 And some of it is just being wounded and not being able to heal.
00:02:31.240 You know, at times we take things personal.
00:02:34.600 We believe that just because somebody had done something to us,
00:02:38.120 then all people are like that.
00:02:40.060 And then what we end up doing is isolating.
00:02:42.560 And isolating, as I said earlier, is clearly a recipe for disaster.
00:02:46.900 I don't think as I'm sharing this with you guys that this is new information,
00:02:50.900 but it can be challenging and it can be difficult and it takes effort and work.
00:02:54.560 And sometimes maybe it's just laziness.
00:02:56.300 Because we're so inundated with work and family life and activities.
00:03:01.960 And maybe you have some church callings or you want to be a good member of your community.
00:03:05.640 And all these things come up and then you realize,
00:03:08.220 man, I know I need to spend time with other good high caliber men,
00:03:11.780 but I'm so busy.
00:03:13.060 I just don't have the time.
00:03:14.460 And I can certainly understand that more so than I can being proud of just doing it alone.
00:03:18.920 Now we use that lone wolf idea.
00:03:21.260 Even the phrase itself, when you think about it, sounds really cool.
00:03:24.400 Like, I don't need anybody.
00:03:26.520 And the movies and entertainment perpetuate this idea.
00:03:30.460 Guys like Jason Bourne and James Bond and the Marlboro Man are all notorious for being loners,
00:03:37.820 for doing it on their own, for not working well with others.
00:03:40.640 And while it works really, really well on TV and the movies, it does not work in real life.
00:03:45.820 So what I'm going to do today is I'm going to share with you five things that you can do
00:03:49.160 to ensure that you are working to build a band of brothers.
00:03:53.340 That you're working to foster connections and networking opportunities, personal connections,
00:04:00.440 professional opportunities that might come up if you stop doing life alone.
00:04:05.060 So let's just jump right into it.
00:04:06.600 Number one is we have to engage in what I call manly activities.
00:04:11.480 And people will say, well, what's a manly activity?
00:04:13.640 We all know what they are.
00:04:14.720 They're physical in nature.
00:04:16.000 They're typically competitive in nature.
00:04:17.800 They typically involve loud noises, big explosions, and, you know, interesting smells.
00:04:24.520 So that's what a manly activity is.
00:04:27.220 So what does that look like?
00:04:28.680 Well, jujitsu is a great one, right?
00:04:31.300 You guys are competing.
00:04:32.540 You're working against each other.
00:04:34.020 You're actively trying to improve.
00:04:35.580 You're trying to make another person better.
00:04:37.040 He's trying to make you better.
00:04:38.740 It could be going to the gun range and learning how to shoot.
00:04:41.060 You get that new pistol or you get a new rifle.
00:04:43.820 You want to get some training and some exercise in.
00:04:46.360 Get some guys and go to the shooting range.
00:04:48.800 It could be a pickup game of basketball this weekend, or maybe you're going to decide to
00:04:52.940 participate in a Spartan race and do something physically related that way, or just lifting
00:04:58.380 or CrossFit or any number of things that you know you should be doing.
00:05:02.600 So people often ask me, well, you know, I'd love to build this group of men and I'd love
00:05:08.480 to have these connections, but I don't know where they are.
00:05:11.100 I call BS on that.
00:05:13.120 You do know where they are.
00:05:15.060 The real question is whether or not you're going to go where they go.
00:05:19.360 The hard part is going for the first time because you feel awkward and uncomfortable
00:05:23.760 and out of place and you are out of place, right?
00:05:26.620 Because you're not part of the quote unquote tribe yet.
00:05:29.200 So you just have to get over that.
00:05:31.320 There's no easy way to do that other than to say, I'm going to go, I'm going to make myself
00:05:35.780 part of this tribe.
00:05:36.600 And then over time, you end up learning the lingo and the customs and traditions within
00:05:41.780 those organizations.
00:05:43.040 You even start looking like those people, the way you dress, the way you move, your mannerisms
00:05:48.100 all begin to connect with the tribe that you belong.
00:05:51.980 So yes, you are going to be out of place and you are going to be uncomfortable and you are
00:05:56.000 going to be the low man at the, on the totem pole initially.
00:05:59.580 But as you build up this camaraderie and this development with other men, you're going to find
00:06:03.660 there's some real opportunities.
00:06:04.900 The only other thing I would say with, with this, when you're going to do these types of
00:06:08.760 activities is go with the intention of meeting people.
00:06:13.160 I have seen so many people go to awesome networking events, awesome opportunities to meet and mingle
00:06:18.820 with other people and they just do the activity and then they leave.
00:06:23.820 They don't stick around.
00:06:25.280 They don't ask questions.
00:06:26.620 They don't introduce themselves to anybody.
00:06:28.760 They don't try to learn about other people.
00:06:31.000 They don't try to solve anybody's problems.
00:06:32.780 They don't share their own problems.
00:06:34.400 And so what ends up happening is you're surrounded by all of these people and you might actually
00:06:39.060 feel worse because you feel ostracized from the group.
00:06:43.280 How many men have said things like, oh, you know, I didn't feel welcome there or I didn't
00:06:49.060 feel like I belonged or it was, it was just a cult.
00:06:53.580 You'll hear that one.
00:06:54.720 Or these guys aren't interested in outsiders.
00:06:57.140 One I often hear is, oh, it's the good old boys club.
00:06:59.200 Now, some of that I think has some validity to it, but if we're using those phrases as
00:07:05.140 excuses to sit in the corner, to sulk, to excuse ourselves from actually doing the work
00:07:12.920 it takes to build up this band of brothers, then obviously that's what it is.
00:07:18.220 It's just an excuse.
00:07:20.040 It's nothing more than that.
00:07:21.200 So if you're going to go do these activities where other men are congregating and working 0.93
00:07:26.240 and pushing each other and challenging each other, then go with the intention of not just
00:07:30.660 doing the activity, but go with the intention of meeting other people.
00:07:34.820 I remember when I moved back to Southern Utah, I started training jujitsu again at the gym,
00:07:40.080 the school that I started at.
00:07:41.320 And within a couple of weeks, I had met a handful of guys, uh, got a couple of different invites
00:07:48.640 to, uh, some MMA sanctioned MMA events here in Southern Utah.
00:07:53.040 And I went and did those with the guys who invited me from the school.
00:07:56.860 I didn't know those guys beforehand.
00:07:58.640 And it just took a couple of weeks of me training with them, me rolling with them,
00:08:03.180 me asking questions about who they are, what they're up to activities, hobbies, interests,
00:08:08.080 et cetera. And we do a little Matt talk after, after our sessions where I'd ask people questions.
00:08:14.060 That wasn't something they did.
00:08:15.440 That was something that I tried to, uh, do myself because I realized how important it
00:08:20.200 was to, to get to know these guys.
00:08:22.420 And within a couple of weeks now, some of them are friends.
00:08:24.980 I can call them up. I can text them.
00:08:26.700 We can go do other things together.
00:08:27.980 They'll invite me to the fights, et cetera, et cetera.
00:08:30.300 Because I went with the intention of not just the activity, but the intention of meeting
00:08:35.040 people, men specifically that I could band with and I could connect with, and I can have
00:08:40.440 a relationship with.
00:08:41.800 So that's the first thing is engage in those manly activities.
00:08:45.040 Number two, ask for help.
00:08:47.580 This one is really, really difficult for men, but it's the single greatest connection strategy
00:08:53.420 that I've ever used.
00:08:54.980 Let me give you an example.
00:08:56.500 Let's say you're new to an area and you want to find other good, high quality, motivated,
00:09:01.340 ambitious, strong, righteous, maybe even men.
00:09:05.300 And you decide, you know what?
00:09:06.360 I'm going to go to the gym.
00:09:07.140 Not only is it good for me, but I think this is where the men congregate.
00:09:09.940 The real question is they might be there, but how do you actually connect with them?
00:09:15.740 One simple way is to ask for help.
00:09:18.780 And it's really difficult for men because we think that when we ask for help, we're simultaneously
00:09:23.440 saying, I'm not good enough.
00:09:25.780 I don't know what I'm doing.
00:09:27.020 I'm an idiot.
00:09:28.320 And that's, nobody ever thinks that.
00:09:30.340 All right.
00:09:31.520 If one of you came and you asked me for help and you said, Hey, Ryan, I'm struggling with
00:09:34.920 this thing with podcasting.
00:09:36.580 What do you think?
00:09:37.640 I would never in a million years say, what an idiot.
00:09:41.480 I can't believe you don't already know this.
00:09:44.160 Some guys might do that, but that's few and far between.
00:09:47.580 When you go and you ask somebody for help, what you're actually doing is not undermining
00:09:52.940 yourself.
00:09:53.740 You're complimenting that person.
00:09:56.440 So if you came to me and said, Ryan, I'm podcasting and I'm just getting started.
00:09:59.720 And this mic isn't great.
00:10:00.860 What mic should I use?
00:10:02.480 You're not saying anything negative about yourself.
00:10:04.940 You're actually encouraging me.
00:10:07.520 You're paying me a compliment.
00:10:09.500 You believe that I'm an expert to some degree, which is why you came to me.
00:10:14.140 And that's how people of value look at it.
00:10:16.780 When you approach somebody like that and you say, Hey, I need help with this one thing.
00:10:20.780 They're going to feel complimented.
00:10:22.920 They're going to feel validated and then they get to stroke their own ego a little bit and
00:10:27.720 get to share their knowledge with you because you asked for it.
00:10:30.980 So what might this look like at the gym to go back to that scenario?
00:10:34.080 You go to a new gym and this might be, you know, maybe you don't do this the first time.
00:10:38.920 Maybe you do it the third, fourth, fifth week or whatever you're there, but you see it.
00:10:42.140 You see a guy and he looks fit.
00:10:44.120 He looks like somebody who maybe is disciplined.
00:10:46.320 He looks like somebody for whatever reason you feel like, man, maybe that's a guy worth knowing,
00:10:49.700 right?
00:10:50.380 We all see people like that.
00:10:51.600 So you think to yourself, man, how can I, how can I connect with this guy?
00:10:55.860 And it's hard because a lot of times, whoops, bought my mic there.
00:10:59.340 A lot of the times we get some societal pressure, mostly from other men who aren't willing to
00:11:05.540 do this because they're afraid to approach as well.
00:11:07.760 And they'll say it's gay, right?
00:11:09.580 Oh, don't be gay. 1.00
00:11:11.260 That's gay. 1.00
00:11:11.960 Or you'll even feel as I'm saying this, like, oh, it sounds like you're going to go approach
00:11:15.200 this guy for a date or to hit on him.
00:11:16.900 Um, so we have these outside societal and cultural pressures for men that says that if
00:11:22.300 we go attempt to strike up a conversation with another guy, then we're being homos and 0.92
00:11:28.160 obviously we're not.
00:11:29.740 So you need to get over that.
00:11:31.360 So the way that you might do this is if I see a guy in the gym and I'm like, oh, I got,
00:11:35.340 it looks like somebody I might want to get to know is let's say I'm on the, uh, doing
00:11:39.740 some bench and he happens to be on the bench next to me.
00:11:42.620 I might say something as simple as, Hey man, like I've seen you here every single week
00:11:47.860 for, or every single day for the last month or so I'm Ryan, what's your name?
00:11:51.320 And you don't need to make it awkward.
00:11:53.140 Just reach out your hand.
00:11:54.120 What's your name?
00:11:54.640 Shake his hand.
00:11:55.340 And that's it.
00:11:56.060 Cool, man.
00:11:56.460 See you tomorrow.
00:11:57.640 And then tomorrow you can go from there.
00:11:58.820 But how does this tie into asking for help?
00:12:00.840 Well, one thing you might say is, Hey, look, it seems like you've been doing this for a
00:12:04.840 long time.
00:12:05.260 I'm just getting started in strength training.
00:12:07.020 I'm not really an expert on this, but I'm trying to improve, uh, and I'm actually trying
00:12:11.300 to build up my chest and my tries and really bump up my numbers on the bench.
00:12:15.460 Uh, man, you seem like you've been doing this for a while.
00:12:17.480 You get a good physique.
00:12:18.120 Like, well, do you have any tips?
00:12:20.160 Any, anything that you do that's helped you again?
00:12:25.080 Society's going to make you feel dumb about it.
00:12:27.000 Like, oh, I can't believe you do that.
00:12:28.560 You're going to feel dumb about it because you think you're, you're, you're showing signs
00:12:32.040 of weakness, but that guy is not interpreting it that way.
00:12:36.560 What he's saying is, oh, hell yeah.
00:12:38.300 Like, I like talking about this stuff.
00:12:40.220 Thank you for the compliment.
00:12:41.140 You said I have a good physique.
00:12:42.980 Like that, that's, that's a compliment.
00:12:45.140 And I'm happy to share and impart some of my wisdom with you.
00:12:48.760 And you'll find out really quickly by the way that he answers that question or approaches
00:12:52.700 it, if that's somebody worth even having an additional conversation with, because frankly,
00:12:58.820 it might not be, you know, if he's a dick about it. 0.66
00:13:02.040 It doesn't even mean he's a dick.
00:13:04.380 He just might be working out and not interested in that.
00:13:06.540 There's a lot of different things that take place here that, that would mean maybe not
00:13:10.340 a follow-up on, on this particular conversation, or maybe the way he shares, he just comes
00:13:14.660 across and it rubs you wrong.
00:13:15.920 No, no harm, no foul.
00:13:17.060 He gives you some pointers.
00:13:18.140 You just say, thanks.
00:13:19.260 And you guys both go on about your way.
00:13:21.400 And it wasn't weird or awkward or uncomfortable.
00:13:23.100 And that's it.
00:13:25.000 But if he gives you some pointers, take those pointers and then put it to work, put it into
00:13:28.640 practice.
00:13:29.180 And maybe in the next week or two, you come back to him and you're like, Hey,
00:13:31.860 Hey John, like, man, you remember those pointers you gave me about where I sit or how I plant
00:13:36.900 my feet on the floor or where my grip is going to be on the bar.
00:13:39.920 I've been doing that, man.
00:13:40.780 It feels so much better.
00:13:41.900 I feel like I'm getting a little stronger.
00:13:43.220 And I did a PR last week, a 10 pound PR last week.
00:13:47.480 So appreciate it, man.
00:13:49.760 And start to nurture and develop and foster that conversation.
00:13:53.260 I think when we have these types of conversations about building a band of brothers and finding
00:13:58.500 other good men, we almost look at it like dating.
00:14:01.680 Like you see this attractive woman and you go decide to date her or ask her on a date.
00:14:05.820 And then all of a sudden you're dating.
00:14:07.560 Well, it doesn't work like, it doesn't even work like that in the dating world.
00:14:11.500 Not, not typically.
00:14:13.080 You have to court this relationship the same way you would court in a relationship, a romantic
00:14:18.980 relationship.
00:14:20.260 So, so how do you do that?
00:14:22.080 By just not pushing too hard, not having any weird expectations or trying to push things
00:14:28.260 when it doesn't feel right is just let it happen organically with a little nudging, a little
00:14:34.700 initiative on your part.
00:14:37.300 So you, you, he, you get the PR and then the next week you guys start talking about what
00:14:42.760 other things go on outside of the gym, what happens in their life, what activities and
00:14:47.680 hobbies and things like that they're interested in.
00:14:49.520 And over time, maybe it's a month, two, three months, all of a sudden, you know, you guys
00:14:53.340 are hitting each other up, uh, through text or through a call or, and I'll get to my next
00:14:58.600 strategy here in a second.
00:14:59.620 That's really going to help take this to the next level.
00:15:01.900 Okay.
00:15:02.140 So we'll continue to talk about this guy, John, that you, you met at the gym, which I know
00:15:07.720 sounds a little weird.
00:15:08.580 I get it.
00:15:09.060 I understand, but stick with me on this.
00:15:11.820 So let's say he gave you some pointers.
00:15:13.880 You hit your PRs.
00:15:15.720 Uh, you guys are having good conversations.
00:15:18.100 He's got a wife.
00:15:19.060 He's got a couple of kids.
00:15:20.320 You're married.
00:15:21.000 You've got a couple of kids.
00:15:22.160 You guys enjoy some of the same things outside of the gym.
00:15:25.020 And one thing you guys start talking about is the amazing golf courses in the area.
00:15:29.340 And John's like, yeah, you know, like I've always tried to golf.
00:15:32.360 I've golfed a little, but I just don't go a lot.
00:15:34.040 And you're somebody who happens to go quite often because you really enjoy it.
00:15:37.700 So here's how you take this friendship to the next level.
00:15:41.700 Again, I know, I know the, the language I'm using might sound a little gayish, but please
00:15:47.800 stick with me.
00:15:48.360 Cause I think you guys are all, we're all capable of discerning what I mean here.
00:15:51.660 So how do you take this friendship to the next level?
00:15:55.020 Well, in this case, if you do invite him to go golfing, it actually might feel like you're
00:16:00.620 asking him on a date and that's weird.
00:16:03.580 And he's going to think it's weird and you're going to feel weird and it's just not going
00:16:07.680 to happen.
00:16:07.980 So this is the gap that a lot of people are missing.
00:16:10.600 You don't invite him on a date for you guys.
00:16:13.940 You invite him to something that's already taking place.
00:16:17.600 So Saturday night, I think there's actually some UFC fights this Saturday coming up.
00:16:22.240 So you decide that, Hey, I'm going to put together a UFC fight night.
00:16:30.220 The wife's going to take the kids and they're going to go do their thing. 1.00
00:16:32.980 We're going to get the guys together and we're going to have a good time with, with the men.
00:16:38.040 We're going to get some snacks, get some food, watch the fights and just enjoy, you know,
00:16:42.520 five or 10 of us over at the place tonight.
00:16:45.040 So instead of inviting John on a date, invite him to the fights.
00:16:50.340 Hey, John, I've got three or four buddies.
00:16:52.660 I met these guys through my wife.
00:16:54.520 They're my wife's husbands and we all get along.
00:16:56.840 We have a good time.
00:16:57.540 We decided we're going to do fight nights, man.
00:16:59.660 Like we've known each other a little bit, just seeing each other here, but would you be
00:17:03.620 interested in coming over to the fights, see how you're still inviting him into your
00:17:08.400 circle, but you're not actually asking him on a date.
00:17:10.940 It's also non-threatening because he can say no, and it's no harm, no foul to you.
00:17:15.240 And he's not going to feel bad about saying no, or he might even feel less threatened because
00:17:19.220 it's a, it's a group of dudes.
00:17:20.640 Like maybe he's interested in hanging out with some new guys as well.
00:17:24.100 Same thing with golf.
00:17:25.300 So if you guys both have an affinity for golf, like I mentioned earlier, you create a foursome
00:17:30.220 for Saturday or Sunday morning and you, you get two other guys.
00:17:35.020 So it's you and two other guys.
00:17:36.260 And you leave that last spot open.
00:17:38.540 And you, when you see John at the gym, you're like, Hey John, you and I were talking about
00:17:42.860 golf a couple of weeks ago.
00:17:44.900 I've got two other buddies that are going golfing with me tomorrow.
00:17:47.960 You should join us.
00:17:48.840 We've got room for one more.
00:17:50.260 Why don't you come join us and leave that spot open.
00:17:53.340 So when I'm trying to build out a new connections that I want to have, I always leave one spot open
00:17:59.440 for somebody that I can invite.
00:18:00.900 I do this on hunts as well.
00:18:02.680 So if I've got a hunt for, let's say eight people, then I'm going to fill seven, including
00:18:09.820 myself.
00:18:10.660 And I'm always going to leave that eighth spot open for somebody I don't know.
00:18:15.940 Somebody that I, I might know briefly, or just kind of be a loose connection with.
00:18:20.700 Maybe it's a friend from a long time ago that I want to re re, uh, ignite that, that friendship.
00:18:26.700 I'm going to leave that spot open for that individual so they can just come join us in
00:18:32.260 whatever it is we're doing.
00:18:33.720 It's a great way to start introducing yourselves.
00:18:36.660 The other cool thing about it is you have other men who are going to be talking with John
00:18:40.600 and they're going to be building connections and relationships.
00:18:43.040 And all of a sudden you're going to have this big, robust, healthy network of men who are
00:18:50.440 all working together on a friendly level, but also working together in business opportunities.
00:18:54.940 I mean, I have a dozens and dozens of business opportunities present themselves because of
00:18:59.740 friendships that I've created over the years.
00:19:02.240 And not to mention if it gets to the point where maybe you're having a hard time with
00:19:06.440 something, or maybe one of your guys is having a hard time with something.
00:19:09.020 Now, all of a sudden you have somebody to reach out to, you know, let's say you and your
00:19:13.060 wife are on the rocks.
00:19:14.620 You're not having a, you're having a bad week or you guys are really frustrated with each
00:19:18.860 other about who knows what, man.
00:19:21.560 And wouldn't it be nice to just call up John and say, Hey, John, look, man, like this week
00:19:26.340 has been real shitty.
00:19:27.320 Work was brutal.
00:19:28.900 My wife and I are at each other's throats. 0.98
00:19:30.920 Like, man, do you want to go like hit, hit the shooting range?
00:19:34.840 Or, uh, I, I need to go into the gym.
00:19:37.340 You want to go to the gym together and you can go do those things, but actually have a
00:19:41.120 meaningful conversation.
00:19:42.700 I know for a lot of guys listening, this is going to sound so foreign because it is foreign
00:19:47.260 for so many guys, men don't have this.
00:19:50.940 And there's all sorts of debates about why are men struggling?
00:19:55.140 Why are men hurting?
00:19:56.160 Why are men committing suicide four times the rate as women?
00:20:01.120 I think this is part of it.
00:20:03.340 It's not that we're not expressing our feelings enough and we're not in touch with our feminine
00:20:07.580 side enough and that we don't know of our emotions.
00:20:10.580 It's not that it's that we don't have other high quality men, high caliber men who are
00:20:17.540 anxiously engaged, not only in their own purpose and mission, but they're excited, invested
00:20:22.420 in our purpose and mission.
00:20:25.120 I've got a handful of guys that I could probably even more than I could call right now.
00:20:28.500 And I could tell them that I'm excited about this new thing and they would be just as excited
00:20:33.100 as I am for it.
00:20:34.440 Or alternatively, I could call them up and say, Hey man, I'm really struggling with this
00:20:39.080 thing.
00:20:40.140 And I just wanted to talk with you about maybe you have some input for me.
00:20:43.720 And I've got a dozen guys I can do that with like that.
00:20:46.700 If I called them in the middle of the night and I'm like, Hey man, I'm struggling.
00:20:49.580 I need you to come pick me up or I need, we need to get out of here or whatever.
00:20:53.060 Like these are the guys who I could call because I cultivated and fostered that relationship.
00:20:58.360 But man, if you haven't done this, what ends up happening is when you're in a difficult
00:21:01.540 spot, physically, mentally, emotionally, you don't have anybody to call.
00:21:05.200 Well, you're lonely, you're desperate, you're isolated, and then you end up stuffing your
00:21:12.160 emotions and then you end up making bad decisions and then you end up becoming depressed and
00:21:18.080 then potentially end up becoming suicidal.
00:21:20.560 So it's not that you're not doing the emotional work you need to be doing.
00:21:24.300 It's that you don't have people to do it with.
00:21:27.040 So I hope this is helping.
00:21:28.240 The next thing here, guys, is that I wrote here is go first, okay?
00:21:33.680 When you're trying to build a powerful relationship with other men, other men are just afraid of
00:21:41.160 having real conversations as you are.
00:21:44.520 So in the absence of somebody willing to make the first step, you have to do that.
00:21:53.620 And so instead of posturing, this is what men will do is posture, right?
00:21:58.140 So we'll all be sitting around at the gym or the mat or on the golf course or whatever,
00:22:01.460 and we're talking, and somebody says, hey, Ben, how are you doing?
00:22:05.080 And the posturing answer is, oh, dude, things are great.
00:22:09.340 My wife and I are doing good.
00:22:10.840 The kids are healthy.
00:22:12.660 Man, work has just been on fire.
00:22:14.400 We're growing.
00:22:15.060 And I don't, I call BS on that.
00:22:18.960 There might be some elements that are, of that are true.
00:22:21.980 But nobody's good at 100% of everything 100% of the time.
00:22:29.900 But also we believe as men that nobody wants to hear us complain.
00:22:33.780 And while, yeah, sure, there's also a time and a place for you to actually have some real
00:22:38.320 conversations about what you're struggling with.
00:22:41.840 So that when I say go first, you're all sitting around talking and everybody's like, how you doing?
00:22:46.080 How you doing?
00:22:46.480 How you doing?
00:22:47.380 Have some balls here, guys.
00:22:49.240 And it does.
00:22:50.040 It takes courage.
00:22:52.240 That when it comes to your turn to say the real thing, you know, guys, work's been awesome.
00:22:58.580 Firing on all cylinders, making a lot of money right now.
00:23:01.300 But you know what?
00:23:02.400 Like, I'm realizing, man, it's coming at the expense of the relationship with my wife.
00:23:07.080 She's upset with me because I'm not as home as often.
00:23:09.520 And even when I am home, I know I'm stressed and I'm taking it out on her and I'm taking it out on the kids.
00:23:15.060 And even though I'm there, I'm not real present emotionally.
00:23:18.640 I don't know.
00:23:19.280 Have you guys ever run across that?
00:23:20.840 Like, what did you do in those situations?
00:23:24.120 So you're actually hitting on point number two there as well as asking for help.
00:23:28.040 They don't think less of you.
00:23:30.240 They're really glad that you brought it up and they would love to give you advice.
00:23:33.860 And then what it does is it unlocks permission.
00:23:36.740 So now, guys, what you've done is you've silently, in a stealth sort of way, given them permission to do the same thing.
00:23:50.020 Because what they're going to realize, even subconsciously, is, oh, shit, if Ryan, a guy that I respect and admire, can share the struggles he has,
00:23:58.240 and I didn't even know he was struggling that way, it's really good to see the humanity of him.
00:24:03.880 Well, you know what?
00:24:05.100 I'm actually struggling with this with my wife.
00:24:07.540 We're not, maybe it's, we're not as intimate as I would like to be.
00:24:11.520 You know, we're intimate once a month and I'd like to be intimate once a week or more.
00:24:18.580 And so now another guy brings up that scenario and another guy brings up a different scenario.
00:24:22.440 And another guy talks about how his daughter is struggling at school because she's being bullied.
00:24:26.460 And the other guy's like, I'm trying to grow my business and I can't get the damn thing launched off the ground.
00:24:31.040 And all of a sudden, now we're having real conversations.
00:24:35.080 I don't give a shit about the football game.
00:24:37.740 I don't really care all that much about UFC, even though I might do a UFC fight.
00:24:42.120 I enjoy the fights.
00:24:43.400 It has nothing to do with my life at all.
00:24:45.180 So I enjoy it for entertainment, but I'm not going to sit around and talk stats and brackets with everybody because I don't care.
00:24:52.520 I don't care about the newest restaurant in town that doesn't interest me.
00:24:56.840 I don't care about these surface level conversations.
00:24:59.940 I'll have them.
00:25:01.360 I realize they're important to build up camaraderie, but I'm having those so I can start getting into the deeper, more meaningful conversations.
00:25:09.420 What are you struggling with?
00:25:10.760 What am I struggling with?
00:25:12.840 What can I help you to do to grow your business?
00:25:15.220 Where might we be able to start a business together?
00:25:17.940 What activities, hobbies, and interests are you pursuing?
00:25:20.380 Why is that important?
00:25:21.280 What's your dreams?
00:25:22.160 What's your goals?
00:25:22.860 What's your desires?
00:25:23.860 Here's mine.
00:25:24.940 Those are the kind of guys that I want in my corner because those are the kind of guys who I could call in a pinch.
00:25:30.000 I can't call the guy that I talk about UFC stats with and just like empty my heart out and tell him all the things I'm struggling with.
00:25:38.180 And I need some help from him because we haven't built that kind of relationship yet.
00:25:43.580 So point number four is to go first.
00:25:46.560 It's just having the testicular fortitude to say, hey, you know what?
00:25:50.980 I'm going to put myself out there.
00:25:52.300 I'm going to put them on the chopping block a little bit and I'm going to go ahead and throw this out there.
00:25:56.220 Now, you're not going to bare your soul.
00:25:57.900 You're not going to talk about everything you ever did wrong and you feel guilty and shame in your life.
00:26:03.900 You're not going to ball like a little baby in front of these guys you barely even know.
00:26:07.480 But you're going to say, you know what, guys?
00:26:08.660 I'm struggling in this department, quite honestly.
00:26:11.080 Any pointers?
00:26:12.760 And then you're going to find out, like, are these guys who are interested in having those types of conversations or are these the statistic guys?
00:26:20.080 They can tell you every lineup, you know, for the Atlanta Braves for the past 25 years.
00:26:25.240 Hey, good.
00:26:26.840 Go have that conversation with other people who want to have that conversation.
00:26:30.940 I'm looking for something different and that's okay.
00:26:33.340 But you're going to find out quickly who those are.
00:26:35.380 And then the last point that I wrote here, guys, very important, is follow-up.
00:26:39.780 You've probably heard the phrase, the fortune is in the follow-up.
00:26:42.320 This is true.
00:26:43.640 If you're just making connections, kind of like sprinkling it everywhere, the shotgun approach,
00:26:50.180 you're not really going to have these deep, meaningful, powerful band of brother type relationships.
00:26:54.400 You're going to have these very surface level, very trivial, like nod and say hi, kind of the awkward, like,
00:26:59.680 I don't know if we're supposed to talk or I'm just supposed to acknowledge you kind of relationship.
00:27:04.820 You have to follow up.
00:27:07.000 You have to be consistent.
00:27:09.180 Even when you do go first, sometimes there's going to be a lot more hesitancy about them sharing.
00:27:13.420 And so you have to keep bringing it up.
00:27:15.240 And you might even ask, hey, man, like, are you doing okay?
00:27:18.620 Like, you seem off.
00:27:19.720 You know, you've seemed off the last couple of weeks.
00:27:21.840 Is everything good?
00:27:23.240 Are you struggling with something at home or at work?
00:27:25.840 Like, prod a little bit.
00:27:27.200 Follow up.
00:27:28.300 Give these guys an opportunity to do something that's not only going to serve you, but it's going to serve them as well.
00:27:33.600 If you're at the gym and there's the guy, you know, you asked him for advice.
00:27:37.940 He gave you advice.
00:27:38.660 You guys have good conversations while you're at the gym.
00:27:41.000 I had this happen actually just the other day.
00:27:43.420 Loose acquaintance, somebody I knew from a long time ago.
00:27:46.160 And, you know, we've talked a little bit here and there and had some conversations.
00:27:51.600 Mostly most of our conversations centered around the gym.
00:27:54.160 And I went into the sauna the other day and he was in there and I was like, hey, man, what's going on?
00:27:59.160 He's like, ah, not much.
00:28:00.460 And he actually went first.
00:28:01.780 He's like, I'm really struggling with this.
00:28:03.300 And I'm not going to share any of that personal detail just because somebody might be listening that I wouldn't want to know that.
00:28:10.340 But, yeah, he said he was struggling.
00:28:12.860 And so we had a great conversation about it.
00:28:14.900 And nothing really came, like, no groundbreaking answers came from our conversation.
00:28:20.080 But it was good.
00:28:21.760 And I don't know how we got talking about it, but I started talking about hunting.
00:28:26.060 And he's like, oh, man, he's like, I used to hunt.
00:28:28.040 Like, I'd love to go hunting again.
00:28:29.620 And I said, dude, you're welcome any time.
00:28:31.360 Here's three or four hunts that I have planned right now.
00:28:34.580 And he's like, oh, that's awesome.
00:28:36.040 Like, I would love to do that.
00:28:38.220 So we're going to go pig hunting next year in Texas.
00:28:42.260 So and that all came from using the same strategy.
00:28:44.980 Now, maybe we go on a hunt once and that's it.
00:28:47.440 Or maybe we become friends and his wife and my girlfriend, we all hang out.
00:28:51.420 I don't know.
00:28:52.140 I don't really have an expectation of that happening.
00:28:54.420 But if it does, that's cool.
00:28:56.820 And that's how you build out the guys in your corner, the guys who care about you.
00:29:01.360 The guys you care about.
00:29:02.460 And that's how you get outside of being a lone wolf.
00:29:04.840 The only other thing I would say to this is it's work.
00:29:08.420 You know, going through those five steps, engaging in these activities, asking for help when you can,
00:29:13.320 inviting men along to other things that you have going on, going first and being humble,
00:29:17.240 and then following up.
00:29:18.340 That's a lot of effort.
00:29:19.280 That's a lot of work.
00:29:20.080 And if it's important to you, you'll do it.
00:29:24.380 And if it's not, you won't.
00:29:26.400 And you'll find all sorts of excuses as why there's no cool men in your area and why nobody's interested in self-development like you are.
00:29:34.060 And everybody's more worried about dumb things than they are worried about improving their lives.
00:29:38.680 I only say those things because that's what I used to tell myself.
00:29:41.620 And it just wasn't true.
00:29:43.820 I just had to come up with a better way to connect with men in my area and build out this band of brothers.
00:29:49.260 And I'll tell you what.
00:29:50.460 It's been, I won't say life-saving necessarily, but there's been some real moments of darkness in my life,
00:29:58.060 even over the past couple of years, where if I didn't have good, high-quality men in my corner,
00:30:02.660 I think I'd be in a completely different situation than I am right now.
00:30:06.260 And I'm in a good situation.
00:30:07.300 Things aren't always perfect.
00:30:09.320 They're not always wonderful.
00:30:11.140 But generally, I'm in a really good spot.
00:30:13.240 And in large part, it's thanks to the men who are in my corner and the work that I've done to ensure that I have these guys in my corner.
00:30:21.940 So, men, let's get over the lone wolf mentality.
00:30:25.820 Let's put that away.
00:30:27.560 To me, that's childish.
00:30:28.920 That's immature.
00:30:29.540 As men, for thousands and thousands of years, we've been banded together as tribes and gangs and villages and cultures and groups.
00:30:41.360 It isn't different now, or at least it shouldn't be.
00:30:44.700 We're more connected through these devices like our cell phones and computers and podcasting than we've ever been.
00:30:50.240 And yet, we're so disconnected from real face-to-face connection and interaction with other men and other people who could really do well for us and we could really do well for.
00:31:00.340 I hope that serves you guys.
00:31:01.440 If you have additional thoughts and questions and ideas, and if you have topics that you'd like me to address, hit me up.
00:31:06.660 Ryan at orderofman.com.
00:31:08.080 Or also, feel free to ask me a question over on the gram.
00:31:11.720 I'm at Ryan Mickler.
00:31:12.920 I'm very active over there.
00:31:14.120 So, if you message me, I will get back with you.
00:31:16.740 It might take me two to three days, but I will get back with you.
00:31:19.100 And again, that's at Ryan Mickler over on Instagram.
00:31:24.060 Outside of that, guys, please make sure you check out my friends and show sponsors over at Montana Knife Company.
00:31:29.940 They are making American knives.
00:31:32.180 They just yesterday released a collaboration with Steve Rinella from Meat Eater called the Flat Tail Knife.
00:31:37.880 They're probably long sold out by now, but you can go over to their website, check out what other knives they have available.
00:31:43.640 Hunting season is quickly approaching, especially as we get into the fall here a little bit.
00:31:49.380 I'm very excited about.
00:31:50.500 So, if you want a good knife in the field or even in the kitchen or their tactical knife, which is the War Goat, it's right over there sitting on my nightstand.
00:31:57.240 That's their first tactical knife.
00:31:58.680 You can check it out at MontanaKnifeCompany.com and use the code ORDEROFMAN.
00:32:04.200 All right, guys, that is my call to action for you.
00:32:08.020 Until then, go out there, take action, do not be a lone wolf, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:32:13.880 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:32:20.820 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at OrderOfMan.com.
00:32:31.980 Order of Man