Order of Man - May 23, 2025


Do Not Grow Bitter ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Topics
do not grow bitter
Hosted by
Ryan Michler
Mentioned
Order
Self-Help Hangover, Jumpstarting Motivation, and The Crisis of Meaning ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING CRAIG BALLANTYNE ｜ The Dark Side of Discipline

Episode Stats


Length

21 minutes

Words per minute

165.9

Word count

3,513

Sentence count

261

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Toxicity

3

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I discuss how to deal with frustration, anger, and bitterness in life and how to overcome them. I discuss the 4 keys that I have implemented in my life that have helped me deal with frustrations and anger.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 You are designed to bear the weight of meaningful and significant change in your life.
00:00:06.800 You are alive to shoulder the weight of responsibility and improvement and service to other people.
00:00:18.580 Maybe you had an overbearing mom. 1.00
00:00:21.000 Maybe your dad wasn't around.
00:00:23.660 Maybe society or other people made excuses for you because of your circumstances.
00:00:27.620 And you never realized that I am meant to bear the burden of responsibility.
00:00:33.800 And you are.
00:00:36.180 With a myriad of conflicts and struggles and challenges that we as men are faced with on a daily basis,
00:00:42.840 it would be very easy for us to become contentious and frustrated and bitter towards life and people and circumstances, maybe even God.
00:00:53.640 And I've seen this throughout my time doing this movement and participating in growth for men,
00:01:02.480 even in myself, where it's very easy to put responsibility, burden, and blame on external circumstances and sources of our frustrations and contentions.
00:01:14.980 But what I found is the more that we do this, where we begin to put our blame on other people and outside circumstances,
00:01:21.540 the less likely we are to address and deal with the struggles of life and the things that we're confronted with.
00:01:30.480 So today I wanted to talk with you about four things in particular that I've implemented in my life
00:01:35.180 to ensure that I do not grow bitter towards people, towards things, towards experiences, and towards outside factors,
00:01:43.860 because frankly, it just doesn't serve me.
00:01:46.820 And at the end of the day, men, I think we need to decide what it is that serves us,
00:01:50.940 whether it's the mindsets and the behaviors and the actions, and of course, the results
00:01:54.820 relative to the things that hinder us and hurt us and keep us from our ultimate objectives.
00:02:01.240 Before I get into the meat of the discussion, I just want to share with you my good friends and partners over at Montana Knife Company.
00:02:08.900 These guys are not a source of frustration for me, and they shouldn't be a source of frustration for you.
00:02:14.880 I've used knives in the past and I've had tools out in the field when I'm hunting or in the kitchen cooking for my family that have not performed.
00:02:23.420 And in the spirit of what we're talking about today, I want things that I'm not going to be frustrated with.
00:02:29.320 I want tools that I can use to complete the mission at hand.
00:02:33.840 And if you're looking for a great knife, 100% made in America, then look no further than Montana Knife Company.
00:02:41.040 And if you do, please use the code ORDEROFMAN at checkout.
00:02:45.020 All one word, ORDEROFMAN at checkout.
00:02:47.960 And you'll save some money when you do.
00:02:49.900 Again, it's montanaknifecompany.com.
00:02:51.980 Use the code ORDEROFMAN.
00:02:53.400 All right, guys, let me give you four keys that you can use, especially if you're feeling frustrated, contentious, bitter, angry, you have animosity towards people or things.
00:03:06.720 Number one is you have to make a decision.
00:03:09.480 I think I've said this, and maybe even at this point, beating a dead horse.
00:03:14.280 You need to make decisions.
00:03:16.020 You need to decide.
00:03:16.940 I think too many men in life are allowing circumstances, people, things to dictate and to act upon them.
00:03:29.940 But I also think if there's one thing that makes you a man, it's your ability to take outside circumstances and not allow yourself to be dictated by it, but decide how it's going to impact you.
00:03:45.020 We too often, and I see this all the time in men's spaces, men's movements, other organizations that attempt to do what it is we're doing, where they think, oh, you know, this person's the enemy.
00:03:59.700 All women are this way. 1.00
00:04:00.820 The economy's that way.
00:04:01.940 The government's this way.
00:04:03.020 And I'm not saying that we need to be blind or oblivious to the threats that exist, but once we start lumping all people, certain people, or all experiences as toxic or the enemy, that we begin to play a little bit of the victim card.
00:04:23.460 And I don't want you to play the victim card because if you are the victim, by definition, that means that you are either unwilling or incapable of dealing with whatever you might be confronting.
00:04:38.860 So if you're in an abusive relationship, for example, let's say emotionally abusive, and you decide, hey, I'm going to paint all women as the enemy, then you are the victim.
00:04:52.120 There's nothing you can do about it.
00:04:53.520 Women are women, and that's just the way it is, and there's nothing I can do about it, and therefore you're just going to play the perpetual victim. 1.00
00:04:58.720 If you decide that the government is out to get you, and there's nothing you can do about it, and you're just playing a zero-sum game, and it is what it is, or the economy is what it is, or your boss is the way he is, there's nothing you can do about it.
00:05:16.940 What I found is that we all make up narratives.
00:05:20.200 We all make up stories that we tell ourselves.
00:05:23.600 Some of those stories are based in reality, and some of those stories are completely wrong, completely off-base.
00:05:32.580 But what I have noticed is that all of the stories that we make up in life are a combination of some truth, plus our perception of it, plus the story that we create around it.
00:05:47.560 And I've seen way too many men take elements of truth and distort it through their perception in order to conjure up and create a narrative that just is not accurate.
00:06:00.740 And if you're going to make up a story about your life, and you're going to make up a story about the circumstances, or the relationship, or the business partnership, or the company that you used to work with, or how the economy is running, why wouldn't you make a decision to make up a story that serves you?
00:06:19.240 And I'm going to talk more about what that might look like, but the reality is, is that if we're all lying to ourselves about these experiences that we have, we might as well make up one that serves us.
00:06:32.680 And for me, what that looks like is deciding that I am not going to be bitter.
00:06:36.740 I'm not going to be contentious.
00:06:38.220 I'm not going to be hostile towards other people.
00:06:41.460 I'm going to look at these as opportunities, and I'm going to delve deeper to that here in a minute.
00:06:45.060 Number two is when you are confronted with challenging or maybe even tragic circumstances, you really have to decide how you're going to frame this.
00:07:00.460 So you've already made the decision.
00:07:01.680 I'm not going to get bitter.
00:07:02.660 I'm not going to get upset.
00:07:03.740 I'm not going to blow things up.
00:07:05.440 I'm not going to blow up at that person.
00:07:07.400 I'm not going to get vengeful.
00:07:08.800 I'm not going to take it out on anybody else or anything else.
00:07:12.660 But now we have to frame it.
00:07:14.360 We have to reframe it.
00:07:15.760 Right now, the framing that you have is something that is not serving you or anybody else.
00:07:20.680 You might be toxic.
00:07:21.920 You might be angry at a broken relationship.
00:07:25.940 You might be frustrated with the state of affairs and the economy.
00:07:30.660 We see this all the time with mass shooters and school shooters.
00:07:37.240 They're angry.
00:07:38.140 They're upset.
00:07:39.000 And maybe there's some validity to some of their frustrations, but they've decided instead of being healthy,
00:07:43.920 they're going to be bitter and contentious and resentful and vengeful.
00:07:47.200 And they end up doing things that are unspeakable things, quite honestly.
00:07:52.940 Going to shoot innocent people, for example.
00:07:55.840 And we have that happen.
00:07:57.140 Gosh, it seems like just about every day.
00:07:58.760 But the framing that you need to implement in your life is not that this person is necessarily out to get you, although they might.
00:08:05.600 So we need to protect ourselves.
00:08:06.960 But some of the framing might be that maybe they're not out to get you.
00:08:11.960 Maybe their own self-interest are at conflict with yours.
00:08:16.720 Maybe people don't think as much about us as we believe they do.
00:08:23.520 And what I would suggest to you is that we show gratitude, not necessarily for the actual thing that you might be experiencing.
00:08:32.740 So, for example, you might get laid off from your employment and it would be very difficult for you to express gratitude in that moment,
00:08:40.640 in the minute details of it or in the microbe, what you're dealing with.
00:08:46.180 But overall, how many times have we had things that have not worked out in our favor?
00:08:51.520 Broken relationships, broken businesses, losing jobs, going through a lawsuit, medical conditions,
00:08:59.740 all sorts of things that we deal with every single day where in a moment it felt horrible.
00:09:04.740 But when we pan out 5, 10, 15, 20 years, we realize, oh, you know what?
00:09:10.920 That actually was a blessing in disguise.
00:09:12.880 And how do you get to that point?
00:09:14.340 You have gratitude.
00:09:15.680 And that's the framing that I want you to have.
00:09:19.020 When you have a broken relationship, be grateful.
00:09:21.920 Be grateful for the woman that you were with.
00:09:24.100 Be grateful for the times that you had together, the experiences that you shared,
00:09:28.200 the lessons that you've learned, and how you are a better man because that woman was in your life.
00:09:33.140 Even if it was for a short period of time or a very long period of time.
00:09:37.800 When you have a breakdown in your employment, and let's say you hypothetically get laid off.
00:09:43.560 Okay, be grateful that you were able to work with an organization that you believed in.
00:09:49.060 Be grateful that somebody else paid you for on-the-job training.
00:09:54.420 Be grateful that 10 years down the road, you are better as a skilled individual than you were when you started.
00:10:03.780 That's a decision.
00:10:05.020 And that's point number one, is to make that decision.
00:10:07.760 And point number two, is to reframe the circumstances.
00:10:11.380 And instead of just deciding why life is out to get you, and why everybody hates you,
00:10:16.360 and why it doesn't work out for you, and why if it weren't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all.
00:10:23.340 These are the things that we constantly tell ourselves.
00:10:25.880 And I would suggest to you that maybe that's not it at all.
00:10:28.760 Maybe things are happening and conspiring for you, you just can't see it yet.
00:10:36.220 And if you want to expedite the process, then I think gratitude is in order.
00:10:41.600 Not gratitude for the circumstances that you might be going through, but gratitude for the circumstances that you've been through and how they've made you a better person.
00:10:51.120 Number three is to learn.
00:10:54.000 One of the questions I get asked quite often is when dealing with difficult circumstances, again, a breakdown in a relationship, loss of a job,
00:11:08.080 past decisions that you've made that you don't feel good about, and you don't feel good about who you are, maybe even, is how do you get over that?
00:11:19.240 And the way that I found to get over those things is to learn, to learn from what you've done, to learn from the feedback of potentially hurting other people,
00:11:34.960 to learn from the feedback of potentially other people hurting you.
00:11:38.860 You know, if you have a breakdown in a relationship, how can you be better for the next relationship?
00:11:45.260 I mean, I can't tell you how often, for example, I see so many men who are in one relationship and they got hurt or they hurt somebody else and they get into another relationship and it's the same.
00:11:54.800 And that one breaks down and then they get into another relationship and that one breaks down.
00:11:59.220 You are the only common denominator in this equation.
00:12:02.060 So do you think that it's all women are horrible or do you think maybe you ought to learn something and apply something that you have not yet learned?
00:12:10.700 How many times do we hear, well, you know, capitalism is evil and they're out to get everybody.
00:12:15.700 And those are people who are bitter and contentious.
00:12:18.840 And yet you take a record, a look at the record of employment and you see that they are not stepping up in powerful ways.
00:12:25.760 And they think, oh, well, it's my boss.
00:12:27.580 It's the economy.
00:12:28.540 It's the company.
00:12:29.480 It's greed.
00:12:30.460 It's this.
00:12:31.000 It's that.
00:12:31.880 You are the common denominator.
00:12:36.400 Oh man, all my friends, they always, you know, take advantage in a year.
00:12:39.800 I don't, I can't keep a friendship, right?
00:12:41.860 I don't have good friends and all people are this and all those people are that.
00:12:46.740 That's you, brother.
00:12:48.380 You are the only common denominator in those equations.
00:12:51.620 So what is it about you that needs to change?
00:12:57.040 I'm not saying to appease other people, but to live a life that you're proud of, that you're excited about, that you care about, that you're passionate for.
00:13:05.800 What is it that needs to change?
00:13:07.620 Ask yourself, if all of your relationships end the same way, what are you doing or not doing that you ought to be doing or not doing?
00:13:17.100 If you haven't kept a job, you know, in the last 10 to 15 to 20 years, what are you doing or not doing that you ought to be doing in order to build a career on something that's meaningful and significant to you?
00:13:34.880 Now, I'm not going to dive too much into this, but we've been talking about this for 10 years.
00:13:39.260 If it's communication, if it's a skill set, if it's a conversation, if it's being assertive, if it's being the man that you have gone and meant to be, then all right, let's talk about it and figure it out.
00:13:50.620 But stop pawning it off on other people.
00:13:53.580 Now, other people are going to have an impact in your life.
00:13:58.680 Sure.
00:13:59.980 That relationship that just broke down, it wasn't only you.
00:14:03.100 She's got a part to play in that. 1.00
00:14:04.940 The fact that your boss lets you go because you weren't performing doesn't mean that you were the only person responsible for your underperformance, but you can't control what she does.
00:14:14.720 You can't control what your boss does.
00:14:16.960 You can't control what the economy does.
00:14:19.020 You can't control what the president is doing.
00:14:22.100 You can influence those things to a degree, varying degrees.
00:14:25.200 But at the end of the day, the only thing you can control is yourself.
00:14:29.700 And so what are you learning?
00:14:30.760 What are the lessons being learned? 0.99
00:14:32.360 Is it that I'm an asshole and I don't matter and I'm unimportant and nobody loves me? 0.99
00:14:37.520 Or is it I could have done this better? 1.00
00:14:40.420 I could have done that better.
00:14:41.620 I could have showed up more powerfully.
00:14:43.520 I could have been more communicative.
00:14:45.460 I could have worked harder.
00:14:47.660 Those are the things that matter.
00:14:50.060 And of course, the last piece of this puzzle, number four, is to apply the lessons that you're learning.
00:14:56.480 So if you're in a relationship and you realize that all of your relationships break down after a certain period of time, and I'm talking about your romantic relationships, and you learn that I'm not a great communicator.
00:15:10.320 Okay.
00:15:11.840 Good.
00:15:12.740 Good to know.
00:15:13.600 Well, now, what can you do to communicate more effectively?
00:15:17.760 What books do you need to read?
00:15:19.640 What lessons do you need to learn?
00:15:21.920 What information do you need to apply?
00:15:24.480 And it's going to feel really, really awkward.
00:15:26.820 It's like a child who's learning to take their first steps.
00:15:30.300 And they won't vocalize this because they're not old enough to be able to vocalize it.
00:15:35.120 But we know when our children are frustrated, even when they're taking their first steps.
00:15:40.340 They get up, maybe they hold onto that coffee table or they're holding onto the couch and they're trying to take their first unassisted steps.
00:15:47.580 And they take a step or half a step and they fall down and maybe they cry or they show some sign of frustration.
00:15:55.380 I get it.
00:15:57.020 We would all feel that way.
00:15:58.660 And we do all feel that way.
00:16:00.500 And as you try new things, it's going to be really, really uncomfortable.
00:16:04.320 But you know what?
00:16:05.700 As a man, you are born and bred to embrace discomfort.
00:16:12.600 You are designed to bear the weight of meaningful and significant change in your life.
00:16:21.500 You are alive to shoulder the weight of responsibility and improvement and service to other people.
00:16:34.320 And if you don't feel that way, it's only because you haven't exercised those muscles yet.
00:16:40.020 Maybe you had an overbearing mom. 1.00
00:16:42.460 Maybe your dad wasn't around.
00:16:45.240 Maybe society or other people made excuses for you because of your circumstances.
00:16:49.420 And you never realized, I am meant to bear the burden of responsibility.
00:16:55.100 And you are.
00:16:57.260 You definitely are.
00:16:59.440 But it requires application.
00:17:02.480 It requires thoughtfulness.
00:17:04.400 And it requires part two, application.
00:17:07.260 How are you better in spite of your divorce?
00:17:14.220 How are you better in spite of, maybe not even in spite of, how are you better because of your divorce?
00:17:20.840 How are you better because you lost that job?
00:17:23.740 How are you better because you got passed over for the promotion?
00:17:26.900 How are you better because you're not as tight with your children as you'd like to be?
00:17:32.880 How are you better because you've been through the burden of being overweight and unhealthy?
00:17:40.300 That's a reframe.
00:17:42.440 This is not meant to destroy me.
00:17:44.360 This is meant to improve me.
00:17:45.780 And how are you better?
00:17:47.220 And what exactly are you doing to improve yourself?
00:17:50.720 Guys, if you want some tools and resources on this, the first thing that I'd suggest to you is our battle plan.
00:17:57.500 This is something I use every single day.
00:18:00.280 If you're not watching this on YouTube or Spotify, I'm holding up our 12-week battle planner.
00:18:06.600 I go through this every single day.
00:18:08.800 I've got my notes here.
00:18:09.960 I've got my goals.
00:18:11.400 I've got my objectives.
00:18:12.880 I've got checkpoints.
00:18:14.080 I do after-action views because I want to be better today than I was yesterday.
00:18:18.660 Not in all ways.
00:18:19.460 It's not going to happen as quickly as I would like it, but I want to get better.
00:18:24.960 And I'm working to improve.
00:18:26.600 And I'm working to get better.
00:18:28.040 And that's why I'm not bitter about the things that happen in my life.
00:18:33.380 Broken relationships.
00:18:35.500 Not growing the business as fast as I would like.
00:18:38.000 Not seeing the results with my physical health, for example, as quickly as I'd like to see them.
00:18:42.620 I'm not bitter about it.
00:18:43.940 I'm optimistic about my level of improvement.
00:18:46.820 So, if you want to check that out, you can go to store.orderofman.com and check out the battle planner.
00:18:52.720 You can also go to orderofman.com slash battle ready.
00:18:57.880 And I'm going to teach you these tools over a course of 30 days where you're not going to be bitter anymore about the things that happen in your life.
00:19:04.760 Whether they're self-imposed or not.
00:19:09.180 Bad things happen.
00:19:11.440 You're going to face struggle.
00:19:13.380 That's inevitable.
00:19:14.220 The only question remains, what are you going to do about it?
00:19:19.240 Are you going to get tired and lazy and sloppy and bitter?
00:19:25.820 Or are you going to become stronger and have resolve and get better and improve and serve and use the wounds that we have for the betterment of our lives and the people we care about?
00:19:42.120 So, that's a question that I cannot answer for you.
00:19:45.220 It's a question to point number one that you have to decide for yourself.
00:19:49.040 So, that's what I've got for you today.
00:19:50.940 Guys, check it out.
00:19:51.600 Go to orderofman.com slash battle ready.
00:19:54.080 Pick up that program.
00:19:55.060 It's free.
00:19:56.380 You're going to get emails.
00:19:57.280 You're going to get conversations from me.
00:19:58.540 And you're also going to get my own personal email so that you can respond directly to me.
00:20:03.000 And we can talk about the things that you're dealing with and struggling with and how we might be able to help you improve.
00:20:07.800 It's our goal as men to step up.
00:20:10.440 And life happens.
00:20:11.960 And it's hard.
00:20:13.040 And I don't want to see us acting like children, like boys.
00:20:17.380 Throwing temper tantrums and breaking down, falling apart because of something in life that we have to deal with.
00:20:24.960 I want to see you rise above because I want to rise above.
00:20:27.820 I want to see you better.
00:20:29.560 So, that's my message for you today, guys.
00:20:31.980 If you have any questions, let me know.
00:20:32.980 Hit me up in email.
00:20:34.020 Hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.
00:20:36.000 That's where I'm most active.
00:20:37.600 And again, check out orderofman.com slash battle ready.
00:20:40.880 All right, guys.
00:20:41.420 We'll be back next week for our interview.
00:20:42.840 Until then, go out there.
00:20:44.120 Take action.
00:20:44.820 Do not grow bitter.
00:20:47.040 And become the man you are meant to be.
00:20:52.560 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:20:55.580 You're ready to take charge of your life?
00:20:57.520 To be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.
00:21:09.540 Thank you.