Order of Man - Do Not Misrepresent Your Failures, Moving on From Hardship, and Identifying Truth and Lies

00:00:00.000 is he was a hundred plus pounds overweight.

00:00:02.120 That's a fact.

00:00:03.160 And what he was doing is he was misattributing

00:00:06.100 the reason that he didn't do well to his age,

00:00:08.700 which is not a great justification,

00:00:10.880 and completely overlooking the fact

00:00:13.240 that he was a hundred plus pounds overweight.

00:00:15.260 Now, he may have just said that because it was easy to say

00:00:17.580 or he was embarrassed about his weight.

00:00:18.980 A lot of different reasons to say that.

00:00:20.520 Again, I'm not passing judgment.

00:00:22.080 I'm saying the fact of the matter is

00:00:24.180 that we need to accurately represent

00:00:26.560 why we're not achieving what we want to achieve.

00:00:29.060 You're a man of action.

00:00:30.900 You live life to the fullest.

00:00:32.340 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:35.300 When life knocks you down,

00:00:36.640 you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:39.760 You are not easily deterred or defeated.

00:00:42.060 Rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:44.820 This is your life.

00:00:45.900 This is who you are.

00:00:47.300 This is who you will become.

00:00:48.800 At the end of the day,

00:00:50.240 and after all is said and done,

00:00:52.060 you can call yourself a man.

00:00:55.420 Kip, what's up, brother?

00:00:56.520 Great to see you.

00:00:57.460 Glad to be back for another Ask Me Anything.

00:00:59.380 A little stressful this week

00:01:00.960 with it being event week.

00:01:02.360 Very excited about our uprising,

00:01:03.860 but I've got a lot on the table

00:01:06.380 for the next three days leading up to the event,

00:01:08.580 as I always do when it's busy like this.

00:01:10.160 Yeah, the uprising is arguably

00:01:13.160 one of my favorite events.

00:01:15.620 It's been a while since we've had them,

00:01:17.660 but they are jam-packed,

00:01:20.280 highly entertaining.

00:01:21.280 When we leave after an uprising,

00:01:23.700 it feels like we were hanging out

00:01:25.200 with those guys for about a month

00:01:26.520 because they're so packed.

00:01:28.580 Oh my gosh, I know.

00:01:30.940 Well, we cram a ton of stuff

00:01:34.120 into that weekend,

00:01:36.060 and I wouldn't have it any other way.

00:01:37.840 In fact, we do after-action reviews

00:01:39.560 with the guys,

00:01:40.120 and one of the things we often hear is,

00:01:41.920 we would like a little downtime.

00:01:43.460 You can have downtime at home.

00:01:44.800 We're not doing that here.

00:01:46.140 So we did weave a little bit more downtime

00:01:49.280 in this iteration,

00:01:51.560 but we've got a lot of new experiences

00:01:57.000 or things taking place

00:01:58.840 that we haven't done in another uprising.

00:02:00.820 So I'm not going to get into those details,

00:02:02.520 but I'm very excited about it.

00:02:03.600 And I will also say,

00:02:04.600 if you're interested in this event in the future

00:02:06.580 or any of the events that we do,

00:02:08.160 just head over to orderofman.com,

00:02:10.380 drop in your email.

00:02:11.700 We send a newsletter each week

00:02:13.600 with updates about the podcast

00:02:15.100 and who's on

00:02:16.020 and thoughts that I've been having

00:02:17.520 from throughout the week.

00:02:18.420 But then we also notify guys about the events.

00:02:21.020 A lot of the times,

00:02:21.840 I get quite a few emails

00:02:23.380 when people hear things like this,

00:02:24.720 and they're like,

00:02:25.380 well, we didn't know the event was going on.

00:02:27.180 I'm like, yeah,

00:02:27.620 because we don't really have to talk about it very often.

00:02:30.280 I talk about it once or twice,

00:02:31.960 maybe two, three times,

00:02:32.900 and then it's sold out.

00:02:34.400 So they go fast.

00:02:35.660 Yeah.

00:02:36.400 Yeah, we don't need to bring it up often

00:02:38.540 for those to fill up.

00:02:41.540 Yeah, for sure.

00:02:42.580 A lot of times,

00:02:43.120 they just fill up in the Iron Council, actually.

00:02:45.820 Yeah.

00:02:46.140 Well, it's going to be a great week.

00:02:47.440 Well, let's get into it, man, today.

00:02:49.720 Headlines first.

00:02:50.420 Do you want to start with headlines?

00:02:51.420 Yeah.

00:02:51.720 Do I start?

00:02:52.480 I think I start this week.

00:02:53.440 I think so.

00:02:54.560 I had a headline,

00:02:56.560 but I changed it

00:02:57.260 because I had a little mini experience this morning

00:02:59.380 I wanted to share.

00:03:00.380 But my headline was about this.

00:03:03.720 I can't remember which company it was,

00:03:05.320 but a fire-spewing robot dog.

00:03:09.620 And I just can't help but think we're dead.

00:03:13.360 That's not going to go well.

00:03:16.380 It's not going to go well.

00:03:17.880 Not only are we,

00:03:18.820 like we're making these robotics,

00:03:20.200 but we're already turning them into weapons.

00:03:22.420 And people say,

00:03:22.980 it's not for weapons.

00:03:23.700 It's for forest clearing or whatever,

00:03:25.540 the excuses that they're going to say.

00:03:27.400 But I'm like, no, we're dead.

00:03:28.200 We're all dead.

00:03:28.860 Yeah.

00:03:29.180 But that's not my headline.

00:03:30.380 You guys can go read that.

00:03:32.280 I went in this morning and got my haircut.

00:03:34.740 So I got all cleaned up.

00:03:36.920 And I was sitting in the waiting room

00:03:38.880 and I overheard a gentleman

00:03:41.300 who had just finished up getting his haircut

00:03:43.520 talk about an event that he had went to.

00:03:47.400 And I didn't catch all the details,

00:03:48.620 but an event that he went to over the weekend.

00:03:51.060 And it was some sort of physical event.

00:03:52.540 I'm not sure if it was a Spartan race

00:03:54.620 or a run or a marathon.

00:03:57.400 It was something along those lines.

00:03:59.480 And he was saying something about it.

00:04:01.460 And the woman who cut his hair said,

00:04:04.080 oh, well, how did you do?

00:04:05.920 And he said,

00:04:07.180 well, it's hard at my age

00:04:09.940 to keep up with 20,000 other people.

00:04:12.320 Like I didn't do very well.

00:04:15.420 Okay.

00:04:15.980 So the problem is,

00:04:17.540 first of all,

00:04:18.560 he wasn't any older than you or me.

00:04:21.000 In fact, he's probably 10 years younger.

00:04:23.660 Second,

00:04:24.740 and I might get a little flack for this,

00:04:26.380 but he was probably 100 plus pounds overweight.

00:04:28.960 And I used to be really harsh and judgmental in the past.

00:04:34.440 I'm not going to be harsh and judgmental.

00:04:37.460 But because I don't know his story.

00:04:39.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:04:40.000 I don't know if he has an eating disorder.

00:04:41.860 I don't know if he's coping with it.

00:04:43.060 I don't know.

00:04:43.720 Health stuff.

00:04:44.460 I don't know the situation.

00:04:45.460 But what I do know

00:04:46.520 is he was 100 plus pounds overweight.

00:04:48.880 That's a fact.

00:04:50.760 And what he was doing

00:04:51.980 is he was misattributing

00:04:54.180 the reason that he didn't do well

00:04:55.800 to his age,

00:04:57.100 which is not a great justification.

00:05:00.300 And completely overlooking the fact

00:05:03.140 that he was 100 plus pounds overweight.

00:05:05.160 Now, he may have just said that

00:05:06.280 because it was easy to say

00:05:07.500 or he was embarrassed about his weight.

00:05:08.880 A lot of different reasons to say that.

00:05:11.500 Again, I'm not passing judgment.

00:05:13.240 I'm saying the fact of the matter is

00:05:15.340 that we need to accurately represent

00:05:17.720 why we're not achieving

00:05:19.940 what we want to achieve.

00:05:21.980 Because if we don't accurately represent

00:05:23.940 what it is that's holding us back,

00:05:25.900 then we can't do anything

00:05:27.220 about addressing the real problem.

00:05:30.620 So if this guy's saying

00:05:31.880 that the reason he didn't do well

00:05:33.200 is because he's not as young

00:05:35.480 as he used to be,

00:05:37.060 but completely overlooking the fact

00:05:39.200 that he's very unhealthy,

00:05:40.340 now he's justifying and rationalizing

00:05:43.460 and that's going to keep him

00:05:44.580 from doing the work

00:05:45.520 he probably needs to do

00:05:46.740 to live a happy, healthy,

00:05:47.980 fulfilling, and long life.

00:05:50.500 I know that isn't popular

00:05:51.840 in today's culture

00:05:52.680 when we talk about fat shaming

00:05:54.240 and body positivity.

00:05:55.920 And I'm not even necessarily

00:05:57.720 the shaming the guy.

00:05:58.700 I'm just stating

00:05:59.360 the reality of the situation.

00:06:01.380 I would love nothing more

00:06:03.420 than for that guy

00:06:04.460 and anybody who might be listening

00:06:05.880 who's in the same position

00:06:07.180 to get into shape,

00:06:08.880 to lose that 40, 50, 60, 100 pounds,

00:06:11.820 to do better at the races

00:06:13.460 and the runs

00:06:14.000 and to be fulfilled

00:06:14.780 and be able to serve their families

00:06:16.000 and lead their communities.

00:06:17.880 But this isn't just

00:06:19.400 a health consideration either.

00:06:21.420 A lot of the times

00:06:22.020 we do this in the work environment.

00:06:24.100 For example,

00:06:24.800 you might get passed over

00:06:26.220 for a promotion

00:06:26.980 and what do guys say?

00:06:29.020 Oh, well, the boss doesn't like me.

00:06:31.080 Oh, it's office politics, right?

00:06:33.160 That's what we hear.

00:06:33.840 Rather than accurately representing

00:06:37.100 the problem,

00:06:37.860 the problem,

00:06:38.480 if you know it's office politics,

00:06:40.520 play the game

00:06:42.180 or don't complain about it.

00:06:45.100 If the boss doesn't like you,

00:06:47.460 work on developing

00:06:48.360 your ability to connect

00:06:50.240 with another individual

00:06:51.140 because that guy

00:06:52.040 has some say

00:06:53.180 in your career advancement.

00:06:55.700 But don't misattribute things

00:06:57.680 and don't justify

00:06:58.640 and rationalize things.

00:06:59.980 Again, he may have been doing this

00:07:01.340 because he was in public.

00:07:02.520 There's probably some shame

00:07:03.460 associated with it.

00:07:04.440 So I'm not getting after that.

00:07:06.240 I'm just talking about

00:07:07.240 the principle of the issue.

00:07:08.460 Guys, be very, very honest

00:07:10.040 with your own performance

00:07:11.380 and the assessment

00:07:12.820 of your performance.

00:07:13.920 And if you need to bring

00:07:15.060 other people in,

00:07:16.500 accountability partners

00:07:17.520 like something we do

00:07:18.320 in the Iron Council

00:07:19.040 or maybe your spouse

00:07:20.380 or a friend or family member

00:07:21.580 who genuinely cares about you

00:07:23.080 and wants you to win,

00:07:24.600 you need to look at

00:07:25.500 what's going on objectively

00:07:26.800 so you can actually address

00:07:28.500 the real issue

00:07:29.560 and solve the problem,

00:07:31.140 not continue for the next decade

00:07:32.700 or 20 years or 30 years

00:07:34.120 to complain about your age

00:07:36.020 when that's a complete

00:07:36.840 misrepresentation

00:07:37.860 of what happened.

00:07:39.000 Yeah.

00:07:39.460 What a huge amount

00:07:41.600 of self-awareness

00:07:42.660 that we really all need to have

00:07:44.640 because I feel

00:07:46.100 that's the issue, right?

00:07:47.940 Is we come up with these stories,

00:07:49.960 the easy answer.

00:07:51.680 And I would argue,

00:07:53.020 and obviously we don't know the guy,

00:07:54.920 so we're generalizing this,

00:07:56.040 but most people,

00:07:57.380 the story that we tell people

00:07:58.860 is the story

00:07:59.740 that we've already been

00:08:00.520 telling ourselves

00:08:01.380 over and over

00:08:02.740 and now it's being expressed.

00:08:05.980 And it's a shame

00:08:07.500 because to your point,

00:08:09.680 we're holding ourselves back.

00:08:10.900 We're not growing and pivoting.

00:08:12.460 I have a super funny story of this.

00:08:16.180 Did I lose you for a second?

00:08:22.360 I think I lost you for a second.

00:08:23.800 Yeah, so-

00:08:27.460 We're not growing in what?

00:08:28.360 What did you say?

00:08:28.980 We're not growing in something

00:08:30.300 and then it cut out for me.

00:08:31.200 Well, we're not growing.

00:08:32.440 We're cutting ourselves off

00:08:34.160 at the knees

00:08:34.940 and pretending

00:08:35.660 that we're making

00:08:38.620 an alternate reality

00:08:40.240 and we're pretending

00:08:41.900 to operate in an area

00:08:43.820 that's not true.

00:08:45.540 And thus,

00:08:46.100 there is no growth in that ever.

00:08:47.700 Now, it might make me feel good

00:08:49.700 right now

00:08:50.260 because I don't have to face

00:08:51.260 the fact that, you know,

00:08:52.520 I'm overweight

00:08:54.240 or I'm out of shape

00:08:55.180 or whatever else,

00:08:56.440 but it doesn't help the scenario.

00:08:59.320 I have a perfect example of this.

00:09:01.040 My son,

00:09:01.700 and we do this in sports a lot,

00:09:03.660 so watch yourselves, parents,

00:09:04.900 if you have kids in sports,

00:09:06.700 but I,

00:09:07.280 because you hear this all the time.

00:09:08.800 Oh, coaches' favorites,

00:09:10.740 politics,

00:09:11.540 like all these things.

00:09:12.780 And I remember my son,

00:09:14.340 Kiave,

00:09:14.780 we're playing hoops.

00:09:15.860 It was probably,

00:09:16.620 I think it's eighth grade basketball,

00:09:18.280 band and basketball.

00:09:18.900 And he was like,

00:09:20.480 well, coach has his favorites.

00:09:21.660 Coach has his favorites.

00:09:22.880 And I'm like,

00:09:23.360 Kiave,

00:09:24.140 if you were amazing,

00:09:25.520 you would be his favorite.

00:09:27.520 Mark my word.

00:09:28.680 Exactly.

00:09:29.220 He wants to win the game.

00:09:30.460 He wants to win the game.

00:09:31.640 And he's like,

00:09:32.160 yeah,

00:09:32.380 but I don't think so.

00:09:33.120 I'm like,

00:09:33.400 trust me.

00:09:34.860 He,

00:09:35.280 he wants to win.

00:09:36.320 And to be frank,

00:09:37.540 I'm not being mean,

00:09:38.380 bud,

00:09:38.620 but you're not amazing.

00:09:40.260 And if you were,

00:09:41.320 you would be starting.

00:09:42.260 It's that simple.

00:09:43.480 And it was hilarious

00:09:44.620 because we're having this conversation.

00:09:45.920 We're like two days into tryouts,

00:09:50.320 right?

00:09:50.880 At the beginning of the season,

00:09:51.980 all of a sudden,

00:09:53.280 this eight-year-old kid walks in.

00:09:54.860 That's about six,

00:09:55.900 four.

00:09:56.820 And his dad's a professional baseball player,

00:09:59.660 right?

00:10:01.100 Has already missed like multiple days of tryouts.

00:10:04.720 And I'm like,

00:10:05.440 and I nudged Calvin and go,

00:10:07.280 watch who's coach's favorite all sudden change.

00:10:11.040 Like mark my word that the deck of cards have been shifted.

00:10:15.920 Right?

00:10:16.360 The minute that kid walked in the gym,

00:10:18.040 I'm like,

00:10:18.440 watch Calvin,

00:10:20.020 watch what I say.

00:10:21.040 And then all of a sudden we're changing teams around.

00:10:24.220 I'm like,

00:10:25.180 why?

00:10:25.700 Because coach wants to win.

00:10:27.680 And,

00:10:28.160 and we have to deal in reality.

00:10:29.780 Otherwise we're not going to grow.

00:10:32.840 Yeah.

00:10:33.660 Oh,

00:10:34.080 I thought it was interesting when you talked about this extreme amount of

00:10:36.900 self-awareness that we need to have.

00:10:38.420 Isn't it interesting?

00:10:39.140 And I'm guilty of this,

00:10:40.600 even in this instance,

00:10:41.720 how aware we are of other people's deficiencies,

00:10:44.840 but unaware of our own.

00:10:47.600 Totally.

00:10:48.840 So we might look at somebody and judge and say,

00:10:51.440 Hey,

00:10:51.580 this guy misattribution of what's going on.

00:10:55.020 And yet I might have a thousand blind spots that I'm not even aware of

00:10:58.660 because I've been crafting stories for 43 years.

00:11:01.960 Totally.

00:11:02.700 This is why it takes outside perspective,

00:11:04.780 whether it's reading,

00:11:05.680 listening to podcasts,

00:11:06.720 having other men in your corner,

00:11:08.300 be able to communicate and speak at you a little bit differently.

00:11:10.440 You need those outside influences because if it's all in here,

00:11:14.160 you've already programmed the script.

00:11:16.700 And now you're not even deliberately doing it.

00:11:19.420 It's like a computer.

00:11:20.540 A computer is not a sentient thing,

00:11:22.660 right?

00:11:23.100 It even AI is not sentient.

00:11:25.160 It's just carrying out the scripts.

00:11:28.060 And that's what we as human beings are doing.

00:11:30.020 We're just carrying out the scripts that have been implanted voluntarily or

00:11:33.960 involuntarily into our brains for 43 years of our lives.

00:11:37.140 And don't you think that it's continuous?

00:11:40.260 Like this is the benefit of this Monday podcast,

00:11:43.140 by the way,

00:11:44.120 is I get centered,

00:11:46.920 right?

00:11:47.180 We have a conversation.

00:11:48.400 It drives self-awareness where we're talking about critical and important

00:11:51.880 things.

00:11:52.700 But if we stopped this and we stopped having these conversations and I stopped

00:11:58.640 listening to these types of conversations,

00:12:00.500 I would slide and my self-awareness would actually decrease.

00:12:05.180 I don't know if that's true for you,

00:12:07.500 but for me,

00:12:08.060 it's something I have to constantly have around me.

00:12:10.740 Otherwise I think I lose it.

00:12:14.900 What one thing I've heard it referred to as Kip is a drift where if you're not

00:12:19.600 vigilant about your course of action,

00:12:21.260 you'll drift.

00:12:22.260 And while I understand and appreciate the sentiment,

00:12:25.560 I don't think it entirely does it justice because it's not a drift to me.

00:12:30.360 A drift almost makes it sound as if there's no forces acting upon you,

00:12:36.880 but that's not true.

00:12:39.520 Even,

00:12:40.080 even in a drift,

00:12:40.940 if we're looking at a,

00:12:41.740 at a vessel,

00:12:42.600 for example,

00:12:43.640 it's,

00:12:43.980 it's not that it's just veering off course because it's not doing anything.

00:12:47.100 No,

00:12:47.380 it's the waves and it's the current.

00:12:49.000 And it's probably has to do with the moon's gravitational pull and all these

00:12:53.480 other factors that are present and real that are impacting that ship's course.

00:12:58.820 So in your life,

00:12:59.960 you might say,

00:13:01.320 well,

00:13:01.420 I'm drifting because I'm not being vigilant about self-improvement.

00:13:04.360 No,

00:13:04.520 it's actually much worse because there's people in your life who are actually

00:13:09.260 working against you.

00:13:10.180 They're sabotaging you.

00:13:11.220 Maybe not deliberately,

00:13:12.620 but they are.

00:13:13.980 There's information you're consuming,

00:13:16.320 whether it's music or pornography or certain podcasts or certain people that you

00:13:22.760 listen to that are rewriting scripts that are not healthy.

00:13:26.540 So you're not just drifting.

00:13:27.940 You're actually actively being worked upon in the direction that you're not

00:13:32.440 interested in going.

00:13:33.240 This is why vigilance in your self-development is so crucial.

00:13:37.040 I like it.

00:13:38.600 All right.

00:13:39.240 So I,

00:13:39.760 I had,

00:13:40.400 what's your headline,

00:13:40.940 man?

00:13:41.020 Yeah.

00:13:41.220 I had a,

00:13:41.600 I had a bunch of headlines or thoughts that I had,

00:13:44.260 and then I,

00:13:45.300 it's not really a headline.

00:13:46.300 I'm going to,

00:13:46.900 I'm going to call an audible here,

00:13:48.480 but it was a post that I saw and it just resonated with me.

00:13:52.760 And I wanted to chat about it and see how awesome it is.

00:13:55.860 So it,

00:13:57.120 and you may have,

00:13:57.920 we may have all seen this photo,

00:13:59.280 but it's a picture of,

00:14:01.480 it's actually three men,

00:14:03.000 but two men in particular,

00:14:04.140 uh,

00:14:05.140 during the Berlin Olympics in 1936.

00:14:08.440 And the winner is a black guy.

00:14:11.340 And it was,

00:14:12.240 and it was for the long jump.

00:14:14.820 And in second place was a white man.

00:14:17.580 And he was holding the,

00:14:18.860 the Hitler sign up.

00:14:20.680 And this is in Berlin,

00:14:22.220 Germany.

00:14:22.860 Yeah.

00:14:23.100 Right.

00:14:23.320 And this black guy wanted,

00:14:24.340 and I've seen that photo a number of times.

00:14:26.160 I didn't know the backstory of this.

00:14:28.520 And so Jesse Owens won first place and he's a black man.

00:14:33.540 And Luz Long was white and he was a Nazi.

00:14:38.120 And during the Olympics,

00:14:39.480 they became friends.

00:14:41.840 In fact,

00:14:42.380 after Owens.

00:14:43.600 Oh really?

00:14:44.520 After Owens beat him in the long jump,

00:14:47.860 there's video of them embracing each other and hugging each other.

00:14:50.940 And they be actually became friends during the Olympics so much that post

00:14:57.380 Olympics.

00:14:57.780 And at the start of the war,

00:14:59.140 they continued writing letters to one another.

00:15:02.600 And one of the last letters that long ever wrote to Owens,

00:15:07.200 he asked Owens,

00:15:08.540 he said to Owens something.

00:15:09.620 And I'm paraphrasing here that this might be his last letter that he's nervous

00:15:14.900 about his life.

00:15:15.980 He's,

00:15:16.280 he's nervous about surviving.

00:15:17.700 And he asked Owens that after the war was over,

00:15:21.480 if you would do him this important favor of coming to Germany and teaching his son how

00:15:29.520 friendship should really be and to tell his son how it used to be before the war.

00:15:35.440 And he actually ended up dying shortly after.

00:15:38.480 And Owens honored that request of his good friend and,

00:15:42.260 and went to Germany,

00:15:44.620 hung out with son,

00:15:45.540 became his son's best man during his,

00:15:47.760 his marriage,

00:15:49.700 his wedding and their,

00:15:51.980 their families are friends to this day.

00:15:56.020 And that amazing.

00:15:57.760 Whoa,

00:15:58.160 that's interesting.

00:15:59.580 Do we know how,

00:16:00.900 do we know how the German,

00:16:02.300 do we know how he died?

00:16:03.360 He died in war due to like injury.

00:16:06.540 Oh,

00:16:06.760 he did.

00:16:07.600 Right.

00:16:08.140 Okay.

00:16:08.460 Yeah.

00:16:09.200 Interesting.

00:16:09.920 Yeah.

00:16:10.240 What's,

00:16:10.800 what stands out to me,

00:16:11.720 obviously there's the feel good story of it and everything else,

00:16:14.540 but there's the defiance of that picture itself,

00:16:16.940 which is something that I think Americans in general can really appreciate.

00:16:20.880 Wow.

00:16:21.160 And,

00:16:21.420 and they're embracing each other during the Olympics with Hitler watching too.

00:16:25.620 I mean,

00:16:26.100 talk about taking a major risk,

00:16:28.600 um,

00:16:29.840 for long to even,

00:16:30.840 uh,

00:16:31.620 become friends with Owen.

00:16:33.140 So openly,

00:16:34.180 you know,

00:16:36.780 what else stands out is,

00:16:38.060 and I've,

00:16:38.820 I've been guilty of this is we look at a picture and we think that that tells the entire story.

00:16:43.820 Totally.

00:16:45.380 And so if,

00:16:46.840 if that,

00:16:47.540 that white man was probably villain is,

00:16:50.240 is villainized.

00:16:51.260 Yep.

00:16:51.460 He's the villain in the story.

00:16:52.420 That's how I saw him when I've seen that picture.

00:16:54.960 That's how we'd all see it.

00:16:57.260 But now that we know the rest of the story,

00:16:59.780 it gives some context and it helps us see that we don't need to believe everything that maybe we see on the internet or,

00:17:06.980 or that first glimpse of,

00:17:09.380 of a person or an article or a headline.

00:17:11.960 And I've fallen prey to that as well.

00:17:14.320 So we just,

00:17:15.700 again,

00:17:15.980 vigilance,

00:17:16.500 we need to be aware that this doesn't accurately represent everything.

00:17:19.540 And the complexities of the scenario,

00:17:22.020 right?

00:17:24.360 The complexities of it,

00:17:25.820 I just think is fascinating.

00:17:27.440 Here's this guy,

00:17:28.540 uh,

00:17:29.980 in turmoil,

00:17:31.260 the rise of the Nazi party.

00:17:34.420 Maybe he believed,

00:17:35.480 maybe doesn't believe it's part of his homeland.

00:17:37.180 He's representing his country.

00:17:38.880 They become friends.

00:17:39.680 They fight in wars against one another and maintain friendship and fascinating conflicts of just struggle of humanity.

00:17:49.040 It's,

00:17:49.520 it's fascinating.

00:17:52.040 Interesting.

00:17:52.780 Yeah.

00:17:53.220 I like that.

00:17:54.480 I like those history lessons.

00:17:55.680 That's very cool.

00:17:56.320 Thanks for bringing that up.

00:17:57.300 Absolutely.

00:17:58.560 All right,

00:17:58.760 brother.

00:17:59.040 Should we get into some questions today?

00:18:00.280 We're going to jump to the gram.

00:18:02.700 We got lots of good questions in the gram.

00:18:05.460 It's interesting.

00:18:06.320 We usually say,

00:18:07.720 and,

00:18:08.200 and I'm paraphrasing.

00:18:09.520 So everyone don't get upset by me saying this,

00:18:12.460 but there's kind of a quality of questions,

00:18:15.960 right?

00:18:16.200 We used to always say the iron council questions,

00:18:18.520 the quality of those questions are superior.

00:18:20.540 And then we jump over to Facebook and it's like,

00:18:22.540 Oh man,

00:18:23.340 some of these questions are bad.

00:18:25.600 But for whatever reason,

00:18:27.620 whoever follows you on Instagram,

00:18:30.300 I don't know,

00:18:30.940 man,

00:18:31.240 Instagram,

00:18:31.700 they have some really good questions.

00:18:34.480 Um,

00:18:34.880 I know so much that I'm like,

00:18:36.360 I've always noticed that too.

00:18:37.140 It's solid.

00:18:37.760 Yeah.

00:18:37.900 And I want to answer them all,

00:18:39.360 but,

00:18:39.880 um,

00:18:40.580 we're going to have to pick some.

00:18:42.060 So,

00:18:42.380 uh,

00:18:42.940 but yeah,

00:18:43.440 great questions.

00:18:44.320 Well,

00:18:44.520 let's get to it.

00:18:45.140 Yeah,

00:18:45.340 you're right though.

00:18:45.960 I,

00:18:46.200 I love the quality of questions from Instagram.

00:18:48.220 Yeah.

00:18:48.400 And to follow Ryan on Instagram,

00:18:50.480 that's a at Ryan Mickler.

00:18:52.440 All right.

00:18:53.100 D T a D Trey Miller going through divorce.

00:18:57.220 I've accepted that it's over and I've moved on.

00:19:00.800 Do you really fully get over it?

00:19:05.240 I think we actually hit on that one last week.

00:19:07.160 Oh my goodness.

00:19:07.980 I did.

00:19:08.680 No,

00:19:09.080 you're right.

00:19:09.540 You're right.

00:19:09.800 You address that one last week.

00:19:10.940 I'm I started off in the wrong spot.

00:19:13.080 I'm sorry.

00:19:14.320 It was a good question.

00:19:15.180 So guys,

00:19:15.440 if you want the answer to that question,

00:19:16.900 go back and it was a great question.

00:19:18.540 Or Chad,

00:19:18.940 go back and listen last week.

00:19:19.880 We hit on that one.

00:19:20.460 All right.

00:19:21.220 Devin KO seven.

00:19:23.140 What's your take on dealing with a cost?

00:19:24.800 We're not removing anything.

00:19:25.800 Don't tell Chad to edit it.

00:19:28.280 Do me a solid Chad.

00:19:29.620 Don't be pulling that.

00:19:30.560 Do me a solid.

00:19:31.240 No,

00:19:31.840 no.

00:19:33.220 Embrace the mistake and do better next time.

00:19:35.620 All right.

00:19:37.440 All right.

00:19:38.000 What is it?

00:19:38.440 Devin KO seven.

00:19:40.060 What's your take on dealing with the cost of living in America right now?

00:19:43.180 I,

00:19:44.040 I make just as much money as my father did growing up in a nice home,

00:19:49.820 nice neighborhood,

00:19:50.400 but my rent eats up 50% of my income.

00:19:53.800 Inflation is like 200%.

00:19:55.360 I don't think that everyone can make it as a content creator.

00:20:01.100 College is definitely an ROI negative.

00:20:03.820 Are we just screwed?

00:20:05.400 No,

00:20:08.280 I don't,

00:20:08.460 I don't think we're screwed.

00:20:09.800 I think we're dealing with very difficult times.

00:20:12.780 And I think the fact that you're right.

00:20:15.460 There's a lot about this that you're right with.

00:20:17.420 Not everybody's going to make it as a quote unquote content creator,

00:20:20.220 just like everybody wouldn't make it as a construction worker or,

00:20:25.040 or a doctor.

00:20:26.140 Like not everybody's going to make it.

00:20:27.700 So we need to get rid of that idea right now.

00:20:30.400 I think there's this pervasive ideology that says everybody deserves to make a

00:20:35.120 living wage.

00:20:36.320 Why?

00:20:37.900 Why does everybody deserve?

00:20:39.520 Would that be nice?

00:20:40.880 Sure.

00:20:41.920 Is that something that we can strive towards?

00:20:44.300 Yes.

00:20:44.820 I don't think we should do it artificially though,

00:20:47.260 but I don't understand why we believe that's a right.

00:20:50.200 When,

00:20:50.340 when throughout human history,

00:20:51.560 has it been a right for you to be healthy?

00:20:53.900 For example,

00:20:55.580 you know,

00:20:56.000 there's how many of you men are listening have been diagnosed or have a loved

00:20:59.820 one like your spouse who was diagnosed unjustly unfairly with cancer.

00:21:05.380 It's the reality of this experience.

00:21:08.280 And for us to say that we get to absolve ourselves from those things is not

00:21:12.760 accurate.

00:21:13.640 So you're right.

00:21:14.580 Not everybody will make it.

00:21:16.300 And your job is to find and develop marketable skills and deliver those in

00:21:24.680 creative ways that people are willing to pay money for.

00:21:27.280 And if you can't do that,

00:21:29.100 that's on you.

00:21:31.340 That's not on me.

00:21:32.220 Now I will say society's role societally,

00:21:36.180 not the government by the way,

00:21:37.420 but societally,

00:21:38.200 it should be our job to prop up.

00:21:41.820 That's not the right word.

00:21:42.740 It should be our job to foster and facilitate innovation,

00:21:48.700 growth,

00:21:50.260 an area where we can actually thrive,

00:21:53.080 creating a thriving,

00:21:54.380 healthy economy.

00:21:55.740 But I also believe that part of the,

00:21:57.880 part of the thing at play here is that when you say,

00:22:03.560 we're not all going to make it,

00:22:05.060 that's the plan.

00:22:08.580 A lot of people just say,

00:22:10.040 well,

00:22:10.140 we're not going to make it.

00:22:10.900 It's too hard.

00:22:11.380 It's too difficult to deal with.

00:22:12.400 And what should we do?

00:22:13.800 That's actually the plan.

00:22:16.100 The plan is for you not to make it so that you're reliant on big daddy

00:22:20.360 government.

00:22:20.760 So if we can put you into these institutions of quote unquote learning,

00:22:25.120 but really just help you be another cog in the wheel,

00:22:27.640 then we get to maintain and control that power.

00:22:30.440 If we subsidize poor behavior that leads to a lack of financial prosperity and

00:22:36.380 degenerate behavior,

00:22:37.400 then we'll get more of society to be able to engage in that behavior.

00:22:41.600 And they're going to become more easily to control and manipulate.

00:22:45.800 So let's not assume that this is just kind of happening willy nilly.

00:22:50.920 I mean,

00:22:51.280 we'd have to be completely ignorant to the idea that we don't have a pretty good

00:22:58.160 understanding of sound economic principles.

00:23:00.520 So when Joe Biden and his people infuse millions and trillions,

00:23:10.920 millions is that's,

00:23:12.880 that was misspeaking.

00:23:13.920 That's long gone trillions of dollars into the economy during an inflationary

00:23:19.580 period.

00:23:20.020 Are you telling me that the people that he's surrounded by don't have enough knowledge

00:23:25.340 and data to draw from to realize that this doesn't actually reduce inflation?

00:23:30.960 It exacerbates it.

00:23:32.420 Is that what you're saying?

00:23:33.300 Because we know the economic policies that this man and his institution has,

00:23:38.800 has implemented create inflation,

00:23:42.760 which is what everybody's experiencing right now.

00:23:46.720 And then you combine that with things like minimum wage requirements,

00:23:50.720 because everybody has this belief that everybody deserves a minimum wage.

00:23:53.900 But what happens is you end up pricing young people out of the market.

00:23:56.960 So if I get to choose,

00:24:00.480 if I'm,

00:24:00.980 if I,

00:24:01.440 if I'm a Burger King franchise owner,

00:24:03.360 for example,

00:24:04.040 and I get to choose the,

00:24:07.140 the old example used to be choose between a 40 year old with experience,

00:24:11.860 because I'm going to pay them this quote unquote living wage or a 16 year old kid

00:24:15.240 with no experience,

00:24:16.080 the same amount.

00:24:16.880 I'm going to choose the 40 year old because he has experience.

00:24:19.000 He's more reliable,

00:24:19.720 more dependable.

00:24:21.080 So I just priced the 16 year old kid out of a job entry position.

00:24:25.720 The new,

00:24:27.060 the new scenario is I'm not going to hire either of them.

00:24:32.420 I'm just going to put a computer program into the lobby and let people order

00:24:35.840 food for themselves.

00:24:36.600 So now not only have we out,

00:24:38.660 outpriced the young kid out,

00:24:41.760 now we've taken the older guy out.

00:24:44.020 And then also it doesn't foster any sort of ambition.

00:24:52.580 My first job,

00:24:53.820 my first real job,

00:24:54.800 I would say was Burger King.

00:24:57.700 And I was making,

00:24:59.060 I must've been making maybe four or five bucks an hour,

00:25:01.940 something like that.

00:25:03.320 I'd have to go back and look,

00:25:04.500 you know,

00:25:04.680 but it was right around four or $5.

00:25:07.660 That's an entry level job.

00:25:09.920 I'm not supposed to be flipping burgers when I'm 40,

00:25:12.480 50,

00:25:12.800 60 years old.

00:25:13.540 That's,

00:25:13.800 that's not,

00:25:14.720 that's not a thing.

00:25:16.140 Yeah.

00:25:16.940 You're supposed to improve.

00:25:18.660 You're supposed to move from flipping burgers in the back to moving to the

00:25:21.960 cashier and then moving from the cashier to shift supervisor,

00:25:25.180 then from shift supervisor to assistant manager,

00:25:28.780 then assistant manager to manager.

00:25:29.940 And then at one point,

00:25:31.020 maybe you decide,

00:25:31.960 I think I'll go ahead and invest in a franchise myself.

00:25:35.700 So I'm not saying that path of fast food is wrong.

00:25:37.820 I'm saying that sticking around flipping burgers for 20 years is wrong.

00:25:42.720 It's,

00:25:43.020 and in fact,

00:25:43.580 it's morally wrong.

00:25:44.380 It's a low level skill for you to take your God given talent and not

00:25:48.560 develop and grow it.

00:25:49.960 We know that through the parable of the talents in the Bible.

00:25:53.300 So to answer your question,

00:25:55.820 how do you deal with it?

00:25:56.800 Well,

00:25:57.020 you need to be prudent financially.

00:25:58.960 So make smart,

00:26:00.280 I almost said fart,

00:26:01.160 make smart financial decisions.

00:26:03.960 Okay.

00:26:04.420 Pay off debt.

00:26:05.060 Don't get into debt in the first place.

00:26:06.740 Maybe you need to rent.

00:26:08.380 Maybe you need to have a roommate.

00:26:09.400 I don't know your personal situation.

00:26:11.240 Maybe you need to have a roommate.

00:26:12.200 There's things that you can do.

00:26:13.380 Maybe instead of buying the new car,

00:26:14.720 you buy the car that's six years old.

00:26:16.320 And that's what you do.

00:26:17.360 Dave Ramsey's got great stuff on this.

00:26:20.140 And simultaneously develop marketable skills so that your income outpaces what

00:26:26.060 inflation will be.

00:26:27.520 You and I can't individually control inflation,

00:26:30.320 but we can individually control our ability to make money.

00:26:34.460 And that's what I'm trying to do is how do I,

00:26:38.340 how does me paying $300 in groceries instead of 200 be a non-issue for me?

00:26:45.860 Yeah.

00:26:46.060 Well,

00:26:46.200 it has nothing to do with the groceries and everything to do with skill

00:26:49.620 development that is marketable so you can make more money.

00:26:52.000 Yeah,

00:26:52.880 absolutely.

00:26:54.040 All right.

00:26:54.480 Brent Richberg.

00:26:55.500 Very long winded answer.

00:26:56.700 It's good.

00:26:57.820 Brent Richberg,

00:26:58.680 ever had an instance where a ton of people tell you that you're really good

00:27:03.320 at something,

00:27:03.900 but you don't feel like it's something that you want to even,

00:27:07.520 even though you know you're good at it.

00:27:09.800 So not something that you want to do,

00:27:11.740 even though you know you're good at it.

00:27:13.280 Very broad question.

00:27:14.460 And I can give context later if needed.

00:27:16.560 Thank you for all that you guys do.

00:27:17.840 I don't know if I keep that.

00:27:23.120 Well,

00:27:24.120 people don't say I'm good at things anyway,

00:27:25.760 so I don't really have this problem.

00:27:27.440 So that's a nice problem to have.

00:27:31.280 Maybe I should answer the question.

00:27:34.260 Yeah.

00:27:34.780 Why don't you do that?

00:27:35.960 No,

00:27:36.480 I don't,

00:27:37.080 I can't really think of an instance where somebody said,

00:27:39.320 Oh,

00:27:39.380 you're really good at this and it's not something I like.

00:27:42.120 And the reason I think probably is because for the most part,

00:27:46.000 the reason you're good at something is because you do it for a sustained

00:27:48.860 period of time.

00:27:49.500 And the reason you do it for a sustained period of time is because you

00:27:51.980 actually enjoy it.

00:27:53.380 So I imagine more often than not,

00:27:55.300 when people say you're good at something,

00:27:56.800 it's because you've been doing it for a long time because you like it.

00:28:00.900 But if there's an exception to that,

00:28:02.980 and there might be fine,

00:28:05.440 I don't really think you owe it to somebody or anybody to do something just

00:28:11.000 because you're good at it.

00:28:11.980 Maybe you're naturally talent.

00:28:14.860 Maybe you're athletic,

00:28:15.740 super athletic.

00:28:16.460 I know big athletic kids who don't play sports.

00:28:19.340 It's a little bit frustrating.

00:28:20.980 Totally.

00:28:21.640 But then they go play,

00:28:22.860 you know,

00:28:23.380 the,

00:28:23.560 the harmonica or the flute in the,

00:28:25.640 in the school band.

00:28:26.820 And I'm like,

00:28:27.120 what the hell?

00:28:28.080 But maybe that's what they like.

00:28:29.360 Yeah.

00:28:30.400 So who am I to say that guy shouldn't be doing that?

00:28:33.760 He should be in on the football team.

00:28:35.880 Yeah.

00:28:36.940 Yes.

00:28:37.380 It's,

00:28:37.700 it's frustrating as a observer to see somebody who's so talented,

00:28:43.000 not utilize the talent that you wish you had.

00:28:46.460 But it's your life and theirs is their life.

00:28:50.120 So do what you want to do and let other people do what they want to do.

00:28:53.960 And when people say,

00:28:54.900 yeah,

00:28:55.000 you're really good at this.

00:28:55.820 You should do that.

00:28:56.520 The simple answer is thank you,

00:28:59.100 man.

00:28:59.440 That's a really nice compliment.

00:29:00.520 I appreciate that.

00:29:01.640 I'm not interested in doing that.

00:29:03.500 I like doing it occasionally,

00:29:04.880 or I feel like I'm fairly decent at it.

00:29:07.060 And thank you for the compliment,

00:29:08.560 but I'm really happy on this path.

00:29:10.120 Yeah.

00:29:10.380 I think it might be a valuable data point to understand what you're good at.

00:29:15.300 And,

00:29:16.300 and you might want to consider that it's not as simplistic as what people are saying.

00:29:21.000 I actually have a good example of this.

00:29:22.740 I get told,

00:29:23.880 I've been told numerous times,

00:29:25.580 I'm so good at sales.

00:29:27.040 I hate sales,

00:29:29.680 but I'm not selling.

00:29:33.060 So what is it that I'm good at?

00:29:35.380 Well,

00:29:35.640 I'm,

00:29:35.780 I'm good at explaining something that might be beneficial to someone.

00:29:39.140 And I believe in it.

00:29:40.420 And I come to the table with some passion.

00:29:43.180 Okay.

00:29:43.620 Got it.

00:29:44.440 It's not that I need to do sales.

00:29:45.940 They're saying I'm good at sales,

00:29:47.580 but what I'm really good at is explaining something with some passion and enthusiasm.

00:29:52.720 Great point.

00:29:54.080 So maybe digest this data point that they're giving you because there might be a talent there that you do enjoy,

00:29:59.660 but you need to lock it in and,

00:30:01.980 and maybe you can take advantage of it elsewhere,

00:30:03.800 but it's not as simplistic as probably what they're telling you.

00:30:08.340 That's a really good point.

00:30:09.780 I hadn't considered that.

00:30:11.000 Yeah.

00:30:11.280 Dig deeper because you might be able to translate that skill into something that you enjoy more.

00:30:16.700 Yeah.

00:30:17.160 Excellent.

00:30:17.680 Absolutely.

00:30:18.040 And why we're on this subject,

00:30:19.620 you know,

00:30:20.260 I I've been thinking a lot about this because I have,

00:30:22.700 I have kids at this age group around college age and finding jobs.

00:30:27.620 And in society,

00:30:28.680 we have a tendency to go,

00:30:30.420 you know,

00:30:30.920 what's your passion?

00:30:31.900 And,

00:30:32.300 and they kids focus on the passion as the job versus the passion within the job.

00:30:41.580 And,

00:30:42.160 and I was talking with Asia about this last night or the night before around the passion isn't,

00:30:49.820 I want to do engineering.

00:30:50.720 The passion might be,

00:30:52.040 I like fixing things.

00:30:53.880 I like resolving complex scenarios.

00:30:57.260 I like architecting things.

00:30:59.760 Okay.

00:31:00.120 Awesome.

00:31:00.880 Now where can you architect?

00:31:02.800 What kind of jobs allow you to do that?

00:31:05.220 Oh,

00:31:05.600 not just engineering.

00:31:06.940 It's all over the place,

00:31:08.500 but we have a tendency to go,

00:31:11.040 Oh,

00:31:11.220 I love this.

00:31:12.140 So it's this job.

00:31:13.200 No,

00:31:13.680 you can find your passion,

00:31:15.260 your talents across multiple jobs,

00:31:17.640 identify where those are,

00:31:18.840 and then go look for the appropriate job that will obviously is beneficial in the market.

00:31:24.460 And at the same time is aligned with maybe some natural talents that you already have.

00:31:30.620 Kip,

00:31:31.000 have you read the book,

00:31:31.720 Start With Why by Simon Sinek?

00:31:33.000 I have not.

00:31:35.280 Oh,

00:31:35.720 it's,

00:31:36.060 it's a really good book.

00:31:36.920 You're kind of hitting on a principle he talks about,

00:31:39.120 and I'm going to butcher this,

00:31:40.120 but most people talk about what they do first.

00:31:43.860 Like I'm,

00:31:44.900 I,

00:31:45.500 I'm an architect,

00:31:46.720 for example.

00:31:48.420 And what Simon Sinek says is you should start with your why.

00:31:51.320 So in this case,

00:31:52.060 maybe an architect's why is I'm making up a story here,

00:31:56.160 but they grew up in poverty.

00:31:58.900 And they lived in a home that had dirt floors and continued to fall apart in a road.

00:32:05.200 And they saw their mom or their dad or both struggle to make ends meet.

00:32:10.140 And they hated it.

00:32:11.380 And they hated it so much that they didn't ever want to be in that position again.

00:32:15.460 And now they're in the position to,

00:32:18.160 because of that why,

00:32:19.740 which is like,

00:32:20.220 I never want to be in the position.

00:32:21.640 I don't want other people to be in that position.

00:32:23.760 That's your why.

00:32:25.280 Now you can move into,

00:32:28.160 the,

00:32:28.680 how do you address this?

00:32:30.220 Well,

00:32:30.600 I address this by building good quality,

00:32:34.500 affordable homes.

00:32:35.540 I address this by using my,

00:32:38.820 my skill set to think about how we can make more efficient,

00:32:44.240 more effective construction materials.

00:32:47.580 Okay.

00:32:48.080 And then the what,

00:32:49.000 which is I'm a builder or I'm an engineer or I'm an architect,

00:32:53.540 but you start with the why.

00:32:55.500 And then you work that way instead of the other way around.

00:32:58.480 I like it.

00:32:59.840 Then the reason,

00:33:00.540 part of the reason you do that is because this is a very real threat for a lot of people.

00:33:05.280 Let's say somebody is a general contractor.

00:33:08.200 What you're one car accident away from losing your job.

00:33:14.080 Yeah.

00:33:14.800 We see this in the military a lot.

00:33:16.940 Guys who make a living and wrap up their entire identity in being a military member,

00:33:21.900 which is great and noble work.

00:33:23.500 And then they have a medical condition or an injury and they're removed from the military and it creates depression,

00:33:30.940 anxiety,

00:33:31.500 even suicide,

00:33:32.860 suicidal thoughts and actions.

00:33:34.860 Well,

00:33:37.260 instead of wrapping your identity up in what you do,

00:33:42.860 wrap it up in what is your purpose.

00:33:45.360 So a veteran,

00:33:47.100 his purpose might be,

00:33:48.680 I want to serve this great nation.

00:33:50.120 I believe in the power of America.

00:33:51.920 I believe in Americans and their ingenuity and their individual spirit.

00:33:56.320 That's great.

00:33:57.060 You can do a million things in order to meet that.

00:34:02.100 Why that don't necessarily include you having to be a soldier on the front lines.

00:34:07.720 Yeah.

00:34:08.760 I like it.

00:34:10.340 Billy,

00:34:11.400 a maya 13,

00:34:13.580 Ryan and Kip.

00:34:14.620 And he met mentions a reference of the beekeeping story that you've shared about,

00:34:19.200 you know your ex,

00:34:21.980 you know,

00:34:22.360 her trying to find a hobby.

00:34:23.620 And he talks about that briefly,

00:34:25.060 but ultimately his question is this,

00:34:27.060 how do you go about finding a hobby for your wife without offending her that she doesn't have a hobby?

00:34:34.120 I've tried leaning into things she likes,

00:34:37.100 but she doesn't do anything more with them.

00:34:39.640 What are some steps to helping someone find a hobby so they are excited to go out and do that hobby?

00:34:48.180 So more on the discovery side.

00:34:49.880 So first,

00:34:50.620 yeah,

00:34:51.240 yeah.

00:34:52.800 First,

00:34:53.200 first I would say,

00:34:54.400 this isn't answering the question directly,

00:34:56.640 but I think this is important.

00:34:57.800 And these are mistakes that I've made in the past is don't assume that her hobby has to be yours or something you're passionate about.

00:35:03.200 Because I think sometimes what men will see is they'll see women doing something and they think to themselves,

00:35:10.760 that's not significant enough.

00:35:13.740 She might actually already have a hobby,

00:35:15.460 but you're just not acknowledging it.

00:35:16.680 I don't know if that's the case,

00:35:18.620 but that's something to consider.

00:35:19.960 I remember big into self-development,

00:35:22.940 obviously,

00:35:23.360 personally.

00:35:24.080 And so I'd get my ex,

00:35:25.300 I'd try to get her to read the books I was reading,

00:35:27.120 like start with why in these other books.

00:35:28.860 And she's like,

00:35:29.440 I don't want to read that.

00:35:30.080 I want to read this instead.

00:35:30.980 I'm like,

00:35:31.220 no,

00:35:31.440 this,

00:35:31.760 this,

00:35:32.140 you don't need to read that stuff.

00:35:33.260 Read this.

00:35:33.780 This is better.

00:35:34.140 Read Gockets.

00:35:34.660 Come on,

00:35:35.000 honey.

00:35:35.480 Why would I?

00:35:36.960 Yeah.

00:35:37.500 Why,

00:35:38.040 why would I do that?

00:35:39.720 You know,

00:35:39.980 of course,

00:35:40.400 because I care about her,

00:35:41.420 right?

00:35:41.620 That's the reason we do it.

00:35:43.460 But then our delivery is lacking some empathy.

00:35:46.760 She,

00:35:47.400 maybe she just needs to unwind from the day and reading a nonfiction book about who knows what,

00:35:51.680 a vampire love story,

00:35:53.140 for example,

00:35:54.120 is her way to get a little entertainment and a little bit of release,

00:35:57.660 you know,

00:35:57.900 just to be able to enjoy and not have to be consumed and sucked up with the energy of the kids and the house and the job and everything else that she might have going on.

00:36:05.640 So make sure first and foremost,

00:36:07.840 you're not discounting what she's already doing because maybe there's ways to double down into it.

00:36:13.680 And maybe there's things that you can do that helps foster and facilitate more growth or more evolution into the thing that she's already interested in.

00:36:24.020 Outside of that,

00:36:25.580 I think what I would,

00:36:26.800 what I would do is let's go try new things together with no expectation of anything.

00:36:32.000 Yeah.

00:36:32.120 I think you have this expectation in your mind that she has to be doing something.

00:36:37.000 And so you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

00:36:40.980 And it's going to come across as manipulative and maybe even condescending and potentially even frustrating for her or worse.

00:36:53.480 Instead,

00:36:54.400 maybe the approach is,

00:36:55.880 I just want to go out and try a bunch of new things because the life experience is amazing.

00:37:02.500 You know,

00:37:03.100 whether it's skiing or skydiving or hot air balloon or hiking or firearms training or cooking or a painting class,

00:37:13.760 just go on fun dates and do things together and talk about it.

00:37:20.160 If she likes it more,

00:37:21.460 do it again.

00:37:22.460 If she likes it even more,

00:37:23.740 maybe for Mother's Day,

00:37:24.620 which is,

00:37:25.160 I think,

00:37:25.320 coming up here pretty quickly,

00:37:27.020 you get her,

00:37:27.580 you get her,

00:37:28.240 you know,

00:37:28.680 a nice painting kit or whatever the situation calls for.

00:37:33.020 But you'd just let it happen organically.

00:37:35.200 Your job,

00:37:35.760 and I think your job even as a parent,

00:37:37.540 is just to create opportunities.

00:37:41.080 Make those opportunities available and let people be people.

00:37:46.200 She doesn't need to do what you need to do.

00:37:48.540 And you're going to create,

00:37:49.260 I think,

00:37:49.580 more problems than solutions.

00:37:51.700 Yeah.

00:37:52.060 Well,

00:37:52.260 and he'll even end up with a covert contract of,

00:37:55.220 I'm doing all this stuff and she hasn't latched onto something.

00:37:57.940 Then you're going to get frustrated and just let her be.

00:38:01.580 Yeah.

00:38:01.820 I like that advice.

00:38:03.760 And,

00:38:04.200 and I think another consideration,

00:38:05.760 and we don't know the answer to this,

00:38:07.000 but another consideration,

00:38:08.160 or at least question you ought to ask yourself is,

00:38:10.340 why do I want her to have a hobby?

00:38:11.920 Yeah.

00:38:12.560 What is it that I'm trying to do?

00:38:13.460 Is it because you think it'll be good for her?

00:38:15.560 Or do you think it's because she annoys you when you're trying to do your hobby?

00:38:19.020 It could be a thousand different things,

00:38:20.940 but maybe understanding why you feel like she needs to have a hobby would be a good starting point.

00:38:25.780 Yeah,

00:38:26.040 totally.

00:38:27.100 All right.

00:38:27.640 Alex,

00:38:28.500 uh,

00:38:28.980 Alex,

00:38:29.440 none.

00:38:29.800 Trapetta.

00:38:31.740 See,

00:38:32.120 this is the drawback of the Instagram.

00:38:34.060 How do you know when it's time to stop trying to fix a relationship with a parent?

00:38:39.860 Every time I attempt to express how I feel,

00:38:43.120 they immediately go on the defensive,

00:38:45.140 raise their voice,

00:38:45.920 and interrupt every other sentence,

00:38:47.760 making it hard for me to be fully expressed of my concerns and feelings.

00:38:52.560 I would like to build a better relationship,

00:38:54.800 but it feels quite one-sided.

00:38:56.800 I'd love your thoughts on this.

00:38:58.120 This one might be controversial.

00:39:02.160 I don't ever think you should try to fix a relationship with your parent.

00:39:08.620 That's not a good motive.

00:39:11.540 Because,

00:39:12.120 because what,

00:39:13.120 this is why it's not a good motive.

00:39:14.700 Because of what you're explaining.

00:39:16.560 They're not cooperating.

00:39:18.200 And now you're frustrated.

00:39:19.180 Yeah.

00:39:19.380 I'm fixing them.

00:39:20.620 Yeah.

00:39:20.880 So can you actually fix it?

00:39:22.640 No.

00:39:24.640 This,

00:39:25.280 you are part of the equation.

00:39:26.800 So just worry about that part.

00:39:28.920 When you say you want to express your opinion and your feelings about life or whatever,

00:39:32.840 you can do that,

00:39:34.060 but you got to let go of the expectation.

00:39:38.220 So Kip,

00:39:39.340 if I'm frustrated about something going on with,

00:39:42.600 with the way we're communicating or working together or whatever it might be,

00:39:46.940 I'm going to come to you and say,

00:39:48.460 Hey Kip,

00:39:48.860 I'm frustrated about this.

00:39:49.980 Here's what's going on.

00:39:50.960 And this might not be a great example.

00:39:52.320 Cause this is more of a,

00:39:53.320 in a work capacity,

00:39:54.120 but let's say we're just on a friendship level.

00:39:57.420 Hey man,

00:39:57.960 like I've been trying to reach out and connect with you.

00:39:59.880 And like,

00:40:00.260 you seem too busy these days.

00:40:01.620 And like,

00:40:02.020 I'm trying to build our friendship.

00:40:03.160 Cause we've known each other for a long time.

00:40:05.280 And like,

00:40:05.700 I'm pissed,

00:40:06.340 man.

00:40:06.480 What the hell?

00:40:10.100 Like that's not going to go over well.

00:40:11.880 Yeah.

00:40:12.260 But if I come to you and I just say,

00:40:13.880 Hey Kip,

00:40:14.340 you know what,

00:40:14.700 man,

00:40:14.840 we've been friends for a long time.

00:40:16.060 And I'd like to do,

00:40:17.480 I'd like to do more.

00:40:19.380 I'd like to spend more time together.

00:40:21.520 I'd like you to be involved in this thing I'm doing.

00:40:23.840 And I just wanted,

00:40:24.720 you know,

00:40:24.940 where I'm coming from.

00:40:26.500 If you're interested in that,

00:40:27.780 just,

00:40:28.100 man,

00:40:28.260 you got an open,

00:40:29.620 open invitation to spend time with me.

00:40:31.920 The ball's in your court.

00:40:33.580 Yeah.

00:40:34.860 That's the honor that you have to give to other people for being human beings.

00:40:38.400 They get to make their own decisions.

00:40:39.620 I,

00:40:40.540 I,

00:40:41.360 and I still do,

00:40:42.100 but I used to get heavy into manipulation tactics.

00:40:44.160 Not like I would try to like deliberately deceive,

00:40:47.320 but I would do things and say things to get the response that I was after from people.

00:40:54.080 It was exhausting for me and it's exhausting for others.

00:40:56.940 So instead,

00:40:58.660 worry about your side of the equation.

00:41:00.840 If people don't come along,

00:41:02.620 you have a decision to make.

00:41:03.860 Okay.

00:41:06.380 So if I,

00:41:06.960 if I'm communicating with somebody and I express my needs and that person can't give me what I need,

00:41:11.720 then I have to make a decision whether to continue to engage or to disassociate from the relationship.

00:41:18.040 But that's not their decision.

00:41:19.520 That's my decision to make.

00:41:21.260 People aren't going to change all that much.

00:41:23.420 So just lay your cards on the table without expectation of anything in return.

00:41:29.860 And if they're not interested in coming along,

00:41:32.680 so be it.

00:41:33.260 And if you want to still have a relationship to some degree,

00:41:36.280 then just stop talking about that stuff.

00:41:39.480 Because it's not really going to lead anywhere.

00:41:41.200 Well,

00:41:41.420 and you're seeking validation,

00:41:42.980 right?

00:41:43.280 From them,

00:41:44.080 right?

00:41:44.460 So they're obviously willing to hang out with you.

00:41:46.700 And then when I express myself,

00:41:48.960 they interrupt,

00:41:50.020 they get defensive.

00:41:51.380 Well,

00:41:52.340 here's the deal.

00:41:53.600 You,

00:41:53.860 you want to fix the relation with your parent,

00:41:57.600 fix your perspective of them

00:41:59.080 and accept them for exactly who they are.

00:42:03.700 And if that's good enough for you,

00:42:07.660 awesome.

00:42:08.640 But you need to fix,

00:42:09.920 you need to fix how you see them.

00:42:13.020 That's,

00:42:13.480 that's your conflict.

00:42:14.860 That's your heart at war is all on your side of it.

00:42:19.460 And like you're saying,

00:42:20.820 Ryan,

00:42:21.020 you can't change them.

00:42:22.080 So what do you do?

00:42:23.040 You focus on how you see them.

00:42:25.260 And,

00:42:25.700 and really ask yourself this question.

00:42:28.280 Are you willing to accept them the way they are?

00:42:31.440 I was,

00:42:32.140 I did this conference a long,

00:42:33.440 long time ago.

00:42:34.720 And I love this.

00:42:35.640 And I don't know if this will resonate.

00:42:37.120 I hope this resonates.

00:42:38.880 It might just be meaningful to me because it's like a history that I had.

00:42:42.880 But as at this conference and my brother sent me to it to try to help me save my marriage.

00:42:48.240 And at one point in the conference,

00:42:49.720 they had someone come up and they sit him in the chair and they said,

00:42:53.060 and I'll pretend here.

00:42:54.080 They'll say,

00:42:55.160 Ryan,

00:42:55.660 what's your favorite ice cream,

00:42:57.480 chocolate or vanilla?

00:42:59.400 And choose one.

00:43:01.120 And maybe Ryan would say chocolate,

00:43:02.700 chocolate.

00:43:03.140 Okay.

00:43:03.400 Why?

00:43:04.020 Cause it's better than vanilla.

00:43:08.100 Wrong.

00:43:08.640 Try it again.

00:43:10.320 Vanilla or chocolate.

00:43:12.380 Uh,

00:43:13.280 then you choose chocolate again.

00:43:14.580 Chocolate.

00:43:15.000 Why?

00:43:16.540 Right.

00:43:17.180 And the person's give you another reason.

00:43:18.620 And the person's up there reasons,

00:43:19.980 reasons,

00:43:20.420 reasons.

00:43:20.720 And eventually they caught on and they said,

00:43:23.580 because I choose chocolate.

00:43:26.900 That's it.

00:43:29.400 Why do you love?

00:43:30.420 I,

00:43:30.700 I was at a,

00:43:31.740 maybe this is a little too much information.

00:43:33.080 I was at,

00:43:33.780 I was at a conversation with one of my older brothers and he says,

00:43:37.420 Kip,

00:43:38.180 how can you possibly choose to have a relationship with our parents and love

00:43:45.020 them?

00:43:45.220 And my response was because I choose to.

00:43:49.560 So make the choice,

00:43:54.460 but don't,

00:43:56.000 don't make your choice predicated on them being a certain way.

00:44:02.220 That's not love anyway,

00:44:03.420 right?

00:44:03.820 It's when we accept people for all their flaws where they are.

00:44:07.600 That's what love looks like.

00:44:09.340 Try that on for size.

00:44:13.580 Kip.

00:44:13.980 I had another thought.

00:44:14.840 I thought you were going somewhere else with that chocolate and vanilla story.

00:44:17.220 Cause another outcome of that would be that somebody would,

00:44:20.880 after doing this three or four times and the person saying wrong,

00:44:23.520 wrong,

00:44:23.920 what's your favorite?

00:44:24.560 Give me a reason.

00:44:25.060 And they would eventually just switch to vanilla.

00:44:27.300 And they did some people find vanilla.

00:44:29.080 And the guy would,

00:44:29.640 and the guy would say,

00:44:30.560 yeah.

00:44:31.140 And the guy would say,

00:44:32.100 okay,

00:44:32.380 here you go.

00:44:33.380 And then they would have vanilla ice cream,

00:44:35.120 but they'd be resentful and bitter towards that person.

00:44:38.840 Yeah.

00:44:39.080 This is life.

00:44:41.320 You can,

00:44:42.060 you can run rough shot over people.

00:44:44.700 Just assert yourself a little bit,

00:44:47.180 push as hard as you want.

00:44:48.820 You can manipulate people,

00:44:50.300 certain people.

00:44:50.640 You'll get what you want.

00:44:51.240 You can get them to comply.

00:44:54.160 And then they're going to be bitter and resentful and angry.

00:44:56.720 And it's going to create problems.

00:44:58.360 You know,

00:44:58.960 you also brought up another point or,

00:45:01.220 or this gentleman did as he was talking about,

00:45:03.180 he says,

00:45:03.400 they always go on the defensive.

00:45:04.820 Let's,

00:45:05.560 let's transition into jujitsu for a minute,

00:45:07.680 Kip.

00:45:07.920 Yeah.

00:45:09.080 When you're training with somebody,

00:45:11.260 when do you go on defense personally?

00:45:13.660 When they're on the offense,

00:45:14.980 when their offense is overly aggressive,

00:45:17.800 I go defense.

00:45:20.300 And then what do you do then?

00:45:22.440 After you defend the initial onslaught,

00:45:25.280 what do you do?

00:45:25.940 Yeah.

00:45:26.300 Then I,

00:45:26.980 and I look for the opportunity to go out on the offensive.

00:45:32.860 You're not playing the game right now,

00:45:35.020 but you know what's happening,

00:45:36.800 but you don't understand why.

00:45:39.280 It's like,

00:45:40.040 uh,

00:45:41.500 a dog's chasing you,

00:45:42.700 right?

00:45:44.720 When,

00:45:45.220 when is he going to chase?

00:45:46.280 When you run.

00:45:49.160 Yeah.

00:45:49.920 You know,

00:45:50.360 have you ever been playing with a dog and you're like kind of dancing around with it?

00:45:53.920 And then you run and it chases you and then you stop and you start going towards it.

00:45:57.120 What does it do?

00:45:57.940 It runs.

00:45:59.040 Yeah.

00:45:59.260 So this is just a game that's being played.

00:46:03.360 Okay.

00:46:03.580 They're being defensive.

00:46:04.560 Why?

00:46:04.840 Because you're being offensive.

00:46:08.440 So maybe don't do that and see how that conversation goes.

00:46:12.280 Instead of saying,

00:46:13.260 you guys weren't there for me.

00:46:15.240 You don't appreciate,

00:46:16.380 you don't do this.

00:46:17.040 You're not good with this.

00:46:17.940 You're that's offensive.

00:46:20.200 Instead say,

00:46:21.220 if this conversation gets broached is,

00:46:23.880 I don't like it.

00:46:25.060 when this happens,

00:46:26.620 I don't feel good about this scenario.

00:46:31.120 I'm trying to do these things with our children and it's hard for us to do these when this takes place.

00:46:39.780 When they start getting defensive,

00:46:41.340 but they might a little bit say,

00:46:42.820 oh,

00:46:42.960 I'm sorry.

00:46:43.380 I didn't mean I'm not trying to offend you.

00:46:45.600 And then you back up.

00:46:47.040 You don't go harder.

00:46:48.340 You bet you,

00:46:48.800 you back up a little bit because you're playing the dance.

00:46:51.040 It's a dance.

00:46:51.760 So maybe try that too.

00:46:53.120 Yeah.

00:46:54.200 I love it.

00:46:55.740 I find this interesting.

00:46:57.520 I'll let you quickly rapid fire this one.

00:47:00.260 So in your J cook 13,

00:47:02.760 how to get rid of FOMO when your finances aren't necessarily there.

00:47:10.940 Yeah.

00:47:11.400 I mean,

00:47:11.620 that's hard.

00:47:12.140 Like fear of missing out is tough.

00:47:14.100 You know,

00:47:14.560 I,

00:47:15.320 what I,

00:47:16.380 what I do when I see like events take place.

00:47:19.560 And for me,

00:47:20.280 a lot of it's not usually revolved around finances.

00:47:22.360 It's just priorities for me.

00:47:24.340 Yeah.

00:47:25.140 So I'll talk about priorities and then I can talk about finances,

00:47:27.820 but usually I'll see something on Instagram or,

00:47:31.520 or whatever.

00:47:32.040 There's a big event that I wanted to go to,

00:47:33.800 but I couldn't.

00:47:34.340 And I'll do a couple of things.

00:47:35.460 Number one,

00:47:35.900 I'll just put down the influence.

00:47:37.240 So like if it's on Instagram,

00:47:38.420 I'm not really going to look too much at Instagram this weekend.

00:47:40.560 Cause I know I'm going to get in my head and be pissed.

00:47:43.460 The other thing that I do is I draw back on my reason.

00:47:46.080 Hey,

00:47:46.400 I didn't go to that because my son had a football game and I really wanted to

00:47:49.860 be at his football game.

00:47:50.640 And that is more important.

00:47:52.180 And you can feel it like,

00:47:53.400 so I'm really going to miss my buddies this weekend,

00:47:56.020 but I deliberately made the decision because being there at my son's game is

00:48:01.420 important to me.

00:48:03.240 And so if you have a strong reason,

00:48:05.820 the FOMO isn't as impact,

00:48:07.520 you're still going to feel it,

00:48:08.580 but it's not as impactful because you know,

00:48:10.880 you were deliberate and intentional about it.

00:48:12.700 And you were in integrity with your beliefs,

00:48:16.200 your values and your priorities to take that over to the financial situation.

00:48:23.380 For me,

00:48:24.260 I didn't go to that event because I'm being prudent with my money right now.

00:48:29.420 And I'm,

00:48:30.260 I'm in schooling or I'm saving or I'm paying off debt.

00:48:34.140 And so that means I'm going to have to sacrifice going to the concert or going on

00:48:38.720 that trip with my buddies.

00:48:39.860 And so instead I'm going to invite in a couple of weeks,

00:48:44.140 my buddies here and we're going to do something locally for a round of golf.

00:48:48.420 Cause I can afford the a hundred dollars that it's going to take to go golfing.

00:48:51.540 For example,

00:48:52.220 I can't afford the thousand that it's going to take to go on the trip.

00:48:54.800 Yeah.

00:48:56.740 So you tie it back into the purpose.

00:48:59.640 You've got to be in,

00:49:00.360 you've got to have some intentionality.

00:49:01.820 Otherwise FOMO will just wreck you.

00:49:04.540 You're,

00:49:05.060 you're not doing that now because you're not in the financial position because you're

00:49:08.560 doing X,

00:49:09.440 Y,

00:49:09.620 and now if you aren't doing anything about your finances,

00:49:12.100 then you're screwed.

00:49:15.220 But if you're not in a good financial position,

00:49:17.240 start making financial moves so that you have a reason when that fear comes in of

00:49:21.660 missing out to be able to kind of squash that because you know,

00:49:24.980 you're doing what you're supposed to be doing.

00:49:27.320 Yeah.

00:49:28.080 And hopefully you guys are relating this to other things,

00:49:30.600 right?

00:49:30.940 I mean,

00:49:31.300 this is a,

00:49:32.080 this is a priority conversation.

00:49:34.140 How do I choose the top priority item over priority two and three,

00:49:38.380 even though I really want to do two and three and it's hard,

00:49:42.540 especially hard.

00:49:43.520 It is hard.

00:49:46.680 That's why your,

00:49:47.480 your,

00:49:47.880 your purpose needs to be really pronounced.

00:49:52.480 You need to be very keenly aware of what,

00:49:55.480 what you're doing and why.

00:49:57.060 Yeah.

00:49:57.280 And in all things,

00:49:58.560 you know,

00:49:59.060 when I woke up this morning,

00:50:00.200 I didn't want to get out of bed.

00:50:02.740 I didn't want to go to the gym,

00:50:04.080 going to the gym.

00:50:04.720 Actually,

00:50:05.020 sometimes just sounds silly to me.

00:50:06.600 Like we,

00:50:07.160 as human beings,

00:50:07.920 we wake up early,

00:50:09.140 we go into this climate controlled building and we put on these perfectly

00:50:12.940 balanced and symmetrical weights and we just move them around.

00:50:15.860 Yeah.

00:50:16.340 Yeah.

00:50:16.520 Cause we don't work hard during the day.

00:50:18.100 So it's,

00:50:18.660 that's what it is.

00:50:20.740 Yeah.

00:50:21.140 We're not,

00:50:21.680 we're not.

00:50:22.220 Yeah.

00:50:22.540 Like guys who are bricklayers don't go work out.

00:50:26.980 Yeah.

00:50:27.460 Right.

00:50:28.060 Lumberjacks don't go work out.

00:50:31.180 Guys like you and me,

00:50:32.240 we have to go work out because we'd be fat slobs if we didn't.

00:50:36.260 I'm kind of a fat slob anyways,

00:50:37.780 but we'd be even more so if we didn't.

00:50:39.640 Uh,

00:50:40.960 so it seems kind of silly,

00:50:42.420 but it's directly tied with my purpose.

00:50:47.020 I want to feel good about myself.

00:50:48.960 I want to be strong and capable.

00:50:51.080 I want to have energy to spend with my kids and my girlfriend and her daughter.

00:50:55.160 I want to be able to have the energy to,

00:50:58.740 and the brain clarity to create new ideas that are marketable to people and

00:51:03.180 solve people's problems.

00:51:04.560 And working out fills all of those fills all of those things.

00:51:10.460 So when I feel dumb or silly about being in this weird room with these other

00:51:14.900 guys doing the same thing I am,

00:51:16.360 or I don't want to get out of bed because it's nice and cozy and it's 5am like,

00:51:21.360 no,

00:51:22.660 this time,

00:51:23.360 you know,

00:51:24.200 you're going to feel better.

00:51:25.300 Yeah.

00:51:26.100 So go do that.

00:51:27.360 Get it done.

00:51:28.080 Get you get some sleep later or whatever.

00:51:30.500 Go do what you need to do.

00:51:32.040 Yeah.

00:51:32.300 Jay Bender 907.

00:51:35.680 I saw your recent post about moving out of Maine.

00:51:40.060 What's the hardest part of letting go of the dreams and visions you had of that

00:51:44.540 barn and land?

00:51:45.920 I know you spoke of such visions and events and retreats when we were

00:51:49.680 renovating it.

00:51:54.240 Yeah.

00:51:55.460 I mean,

00:51:56.060 it's just the hardest part is just feeling like a failure.

00:51:58.300 You know,

00:51:59.980 you have these dreams and you have these ideas and you put a lot of blood and

00:52:03.320 sweat and tears,

00:52:04.120 literally blood,

00:52:04.860 sweat,

00:52:05.080 and tears into the barn.

00:52:06.300 My blood is in that floor.

00:52:08.200 Yeah.

00:52:08.720 My tears,

00:52:09.400 my sweat,

00:52:09.920 it's in that floor.

00:52:11.620 And so when you have a plan and it doesn't go according to plan because of

00:52:17.960 your own choices and decisions and other people's,

00:52:21.880 it's hard to let go of that because you failed.

00:52:25.060 Now I have a pretty healthy relationship with failure,

00:52:27.720 but a lot of people don't.

00:52:30.340 And a lot of people wrap up their whole identity in failure.

00:52:33.080 And they,

00:52:33.560 and they say clever little cute phrases like first attempt in learning.

00:52:37.720 I didn't fail.

00:52:38.340 I learned no dude,

00:52:39.660 you failed and I failed.

00:52:42.420 And people are like,

00:52:43.160 Oh Ryan,

00:52:43.580 don't look at it like that.

00:52:44.560 No,

00:52:44.720 I actually want to look at it like that.

00:52:47.060 I want to feel the sting of failure.

00:52:49.440 So I don't do it again.

00:52:53.060 If I water down the message or I tell myself,

00:52:55.620 I didn't feel I just learned.

00:52:56.760 Then I'm watering it down and it's easier for me not to learn the lessons and

00:53:01.580 hold onto them.

00:53:02.980 But man,

00:53:03.440 there's a lot of painful lessons that have come to me over the past two years

00:53:06.560 that I don't like thinking about,

00:53:08.940 but also they keep me motivated to do what I need to be doing.

00:53:14.500 And when I continue to screw up,

00:53:16.200 I can get back on track as quickly as I possibly can.

00:53:20.580 So go ahead.

00:53:22.800 Were you going to say something?

00:53:23.440 I was going to ask you,

00:53:25.500 where do you draw the line there?

00:53:28.180 I do the same thing.

00:53:30.640 If I,

00:53:31.640 I don't know,

00:53:33.360 wreck my car out of stupidity or I,

00:53:36.560 lose a key or I,

00:53:38.100 I mess something up.

00:53:39.320 I,

00:53:39.720 I kind of like beat myself up pretty harsh over it.

00:53:44.280 Um,

00:53:44.920 but maybe even too,

00:53:46.760 too much where it's like,

00:53:49.040 well,

00:53:49.200 Kip,

00:53:49.360 you can't change it now.

00:53:50.280 Yeah.

00:53:50.660 Right.

00:53:51.180 But yeah,

00:53:52.240 well,

00:53:54.480 there,

00:53:54.640 there's a line.

00:53:55.220 So let,

00:53:55.760 okay.

00:53:55.960 So let's take an extreme example.

00:53:57.560 You,

00:53:57.780 you get in a car wreck,

00:53:58.580 you did something dumb.

00:53:59.540 You didn't see something.

00:54:00.840 You get in a car wreck,

00:54:01.960 you wreck your car.

00:54:02.800 And,

00:54:04.600 and so in the future,

00:54:07.260 you're going to say,

00:54:08.740 man,

00:54:09.240 Kip,

00:54:09.580 I'm an idiot.

00:54:10.700 Like,

00:54:10.940 I can't believe I did this.

00:54:11.980 I shouldn't do this.

00:54:12.780 Like what,

00:54:13.220 what happened?

00:54:13.900 Well,

00:54:14.080 I was distracted.

00:54:15.420 I was on the phone.

00:54:17.260 I was drinking.

00:54:18.480 I was not focused.

00:54:20.380 I mean,

00:54:20.640 there's a lot of different reasons.

00:54:21.780 You might get into an accident.

00:54:22.440 I wasn't paying attention.

00:54:24.160 Yeah.

00:54:25.180 Right.

00:54:25.500 So there's a productive approach to it,

00:54:27.920 which is,

00:54:28.680 okay,

00:54:28.880 well,

00:54:29.060 I need to make sure I keep my phone out of my face when I'm driving down the road.

00:54:33.260 So yes,

00:54:34.380 you are an idiot for doing that.

00:54:35.840 And also it's leading to a better outcome because you're not going to do it again,

00:54:38.840 but there's a destructive outcome and a destructive outcome in that scenario might be like,

00:54:43.600 oh,

00:54:43.780 you're such an idiot.

00:54:44.700 Like,

00:54:44.940 I can't believe this happened.

00:54:46.180 I'm never going to drive a car again.

00:54:50.540 Yeah.

00:54:52.080 Right.

00:54:52.440 Or a better example would be you failed in your marriage and you thought to yourself,

00:54:59.420 and I've had these thoughts,

00:55:00.180 you're an idiot.

00:55:00.760 You screwed up.

00:55:01.320 You did this,

00:55:01.720 this,

00:55:01.920 and this,

00:55:02.140 and this.

00:55:02.600 And the productive outcome is,

00:55:04.160 well,

00:55:04.540 I'm not going to do that anymore.

00:55:05.500 I'm going to fix it.

00:55:06.140 I'm going to clean it up.

00:55:06.900 I'm going to be better.

00:55:08.340 The destructive outcome is you're an idiot.

00:55:12.060 You shouldn't have done that.

00:55:12.880 You messed up.

00:55:13.620 You don't deserve love.

00:55:16.060 And so one of two things,

00:55:17.300 you never get back into a relationship,

00:55:19.300 or maybe you do get into a relationship,

00:55:22.360 but you can't open your heart up fully to her because of your fears.

00:55:28.540 Productive,

00:55:29.440 destructive.

00:55:30.260 That's the line.

00:55:33.820 Got it.

00:55:35.000 Got it.

00:55:35.680 So as far as his question,

00:55:37.260 I,

00:55:37.960 you know,

00:55:38.220 I'm pretty,

00:55:38.800 maybe I'm just a little bit different.

00:55:41.660 I,

00:55:42.100 I can compartmentalize pretty well.

00:55:44.680 And I have the ability to move on fairly quickly.

00:55:49.300 And in fact,

00:55:50.940 it disturbs people sometimes because they think I should wallow in things for

00:55:56.180 longer than I feel compelled or obligated to do it.

00:56:00.740 I have a life.

00:56:02.060 I need,

00:56:02.380 like if things are done and this chapter is closed,

00:56:05.400 I'm not going to sit around and complain.

00:56:07.340 I don't have the luxury of doing that because I have goals and desires and

00:56:11.860 dreams and ambitions and also other people I need to take care of still.

00:56:15.140 And also this movement to continue to pour into.

00:56:17.760 So healthy or unhealthy,

00:56:21.880 I can compartmentalize pretty well and chalk things up,

00:56:26.380 learn the lessons I need to learn.

00:56:29.300 Don't continue to make those decisions.

00:56:31.240 And when I do like fix them fast and move on with my life,

00:56:35.540 maybe that's just,

00:56:36.640 maybe that's just a great blessing that I,

00:56:41.040 that I have,

00:56:41.600 or maybe it's something I've cultivated.

00:56:43.140 I don't really know the answer to that,

00:56:44.960 but it has been helpful.

00:56:48.140 A couple more questions.

00:56:49.360 I have a quick one for you.

00:56:52.000 Yeah,

00:56:52.460 let's do it.

00:56:52.900 All right.

00:56:53.300 Sonya,

00:56:54.460 uh,

00:56:55.160 Amarni one 34 is sovereignty out on print.

00:56:59.120 It's paperback is not available anywhere.

00:57:01.140 Oh yeah.

00:57:03.820 Somebody hits,

00:57:04.740 uh,

00:57:05.140 I'm actually going to make a note of that.

00:57:07.600 I did see that question.

00:57:08.600 Then I forgot about it.

00:57:09.560 It should be on Amazon,

00:57:10.820 but if it's not,

00:57:12.140 we have to address that.

00:57:13.500 So,

00:57:13.900 uh,

00:57:14.620 that's,

00:57:15.200 I do have a couple copies,

00:57:17.020 uh,

00:57:17.600 in the store left,

00:57:19.180 uh,

00:57:19.980 paperback copies.

00:57:20.840 So if you go to store.orderofman.com,

00:57:23.020 you can find the book there.

00:57:24.000 I think I've got maybe 20 or 30 copies in,

00:57:27.500 in the warehouse right now.

00:57:29.340 So if they're not on Amazon and you want one,

00:57:31.120 go to store.orderofman.com.

00:57:32.600 And by the way,

00:57:33.020 if you get it there,

00:57:33.700 it's a signed copy.

00:57:34.700 So I'll sign it and send it to you.

00:57:37.720 Okay.

00:57:39.000 Um,

00:57:40.360 Inja,

00:57:41.080 Inja cook 13.

00:57:42.980 Um,

00:57:43.960 also how to overcome lustful and pornography thoughts.

00:57:47.640 How do you address this?

00:57:51.580 Well,

00:57:52.080 uh,

00:57:53.600 I would say distraction is,

00:57:55.500 is one way.

00:57:56.540 Yeah.

00:57:57.960 You know,

00:57:58.480 just,

00:57:58.820 just being distracted.

00:57:59.700 Cause I know a lot of guys,

00:58:01.060 uh,

00:58:02.080 what is his name?

00:58:03.480 Um,

00:58:04.920 I got to pull this up here real quick because I want to give you a great resource.

00:58:08.760 Somebody eminently more qualified to talk about this than,

00:58:11.960 than I can.

00:58:13.220 Uh,

00:58:13.660 hold on one second.

00:58:15.760 So Sathia,

00:58:16.700 Sam,

00:58:16.940 he's been on the podcast.

00:58:18.080 He's got some great stuff on overcoming pornography,

00:58:21.440 uh,

00:58:22.520 addiction.

00:58:22.920 And I would highly,

00:58:24.040 highly suggest that you take a look at that.

00:58:25.680 But a couple of methods are accountability partners.

00:58:28.200 We have that inside of the iron council.

00:58:30.300 We have a quitting porn channel.

00:58:31.880 So a lot of these men who are working to stay away from porn,

00:58:35.360 uh,

00:58:36.400 are,

00:58:36.780 are,

00:58:37.940 are doing it through accountability and discussion and,

00:58:40.360 and learning their,

00:58:41.220 uh,

00:58:42.200 distraction is certainly one because usually lustful thoughts are fleeting,

00:58:45.400 right?

00:58:45.920 You might see an attractive woman,

00:58:47.200 or maybe you're replaying a certain thing in your head.

00:58:51.140 Maybe it's a image or a,

00:58:52.940 or an action or something.

00:58:54.180 And so it's lust is usually just very quick.

00:58:57.380 It's quick lived.

00:58:58.200 And so you,

00:58:58.800 you rub one out and then it's done until the next thought.

00:59:02.420 Yeah.

00:59:02.500 So if you can get over that thought by distracting yourself,

00:59:06.440 usually it will just go away.

00:59:09.660 Frankly,

00:59:10.200 another way to do it is if you're in a healthy,

00:59:12.360 good relationship,

00:59:13.120 there's completely appropriate sexual acts that you should be engaged with,

00:59:17.660 with your significant other.

00:59:18.980 God addresses it.

00:59:19.840 Yeah.

00:59:20.000 And so if you're,

00:59:21.300 I mean,

00:59:22.360 if you're not always,

00:59:23.860 I mean,

00:59:24.060 I think that's a little bit of a myth that,

00:59:25.940 Hey,

00:59:26.480 once I'm married and can have sex all the time,

00:59:28.600 then I won't have to worry about watching porn.

00:59:30.580 That isn't always true.

00:59:31.860 But yeah,

00:59:33.320 if,

00:59:33.840 if you're in the basement,

00:59:36.420 jacking off and your wife's upstairs in the bedroom,

00:59:39.640 look,

00:59:41.240 I get it.

00:59:42.500 Rubbing one out that way is significantly more convenient than pouring into your wife,

00:59:51.600 investing in her,

00:59:53.000 taking her out,

00:59:54.020 making her feel important.

00:59:55.160 And when you do those things,

00:59:56.500 having sex is not an issue when you're doing those things.

01:00:00.540 It's when you're not that it becomes a problem.

01:00:03.240 So I would say having accountability,

01:00:05.360 look at what Cynthia Sam's got,

01:00:07.420 look for ways to distract yourself.

01:00:09.120 You know,

01:00:09.560 you always hear like,

01:00:10.320 go take a cold shower.

01:00:12.000 I don't know if that's going to work.

01:00:13.220 Cause how many showers can you take in a day?

01:00:15.020 But you know,

01:00:15.820 maybe you can just go for a walk or a run or just get out or put your computer or your phone away,

01:00:21.440 you know,

01:00:21.700 go run an errand,

01:00:23.160 whatever you need to do just to get out of the moment,

01:00:25.080 get,

01:00:25.380 get away from the stimulus,

01:00:26.540 whatever that might be.

01:00:28.200 And then making sure that you're engaged in a healthy,

01:00:31.160 loving relationship where you guys can be physically intimate together.

01:00:34.260 Yeah.

01:00:34.600 The only thing,

01:00:35.620 the other,

01:00:35.820 the other thing that comes to mind is James Clear,

01:00:38.380 like atomic habits,

01:00:39.560 right?

01:00:39.740 Like we have triggers for a reason.

01:00:41.660 So those opportunities might be presenting themselves in,

01:00:45.420 in reoccurring scenarios.

01:00:48.280 So look at where those habits are forming.

01:00:51.980 You know,

01:00:52.760 what are you,

01:00:53.780 are you depressed about something else?

01:00:55.220 What's triggering certain events and all that kind of jazz.

01:00:57.940 So,

01:00:58.160 um,

01:00:59.180 that's atomic habits would be another great resource as well.

01:01:01.720 Okay.

01:01:03.680 Yep.

01:01:04.280 Um,

01:01:04.880 yeah,

01:01:05.240 go ahead.

01:01:06.020 By the way,

01:01:06.380 that's a worthy ambition too.

01:01:07.600 I w I wanted to say that that's a worthy goal as well is,

01:01:10.820 is to get rid of that stuff from your life.

01:01:12.500 Yeah.

01:01:13.560 There there's,

01:01:14.420 there was another thing I read as far as,

01:01:16.540 um,

01:01:17.580 a headline that I was going to talk about.

01:01:19.080 Maybe I'll talk more about it next week,

01:01:20.400 but in fact,

01:01:21.540 we will,

01:01:21.860 we'll talk about it next week.

01:01:23.580 Sex robots,

01:01:24.660 the rise of sex robots.

01:01:26.040 So we're going to talk about why that's why that's going to be so pervasive.

01:01:30.680 Yeah.

01:01:31.300 Uh,

01:01:31.560 how to combat against it and why it's so dangerous for men.

01:01:34.340 Totally.

01:01:34.840 I mean,

01:01:35.140 it's,

01:01:35.460 it's more or less what pornography on steroids,

01:01:38.640 right?

01:01:39.220 Like just another direction of ease of entry.

01:01:46.460 Literally and figuratively.

01:01:49.340 All right.

01:01:49.920 Last question.

01:01:50.680 I thought you did that on purpose,

01:01:51.820 Kip.

01:01:52.000 Did you not?

01:01:52.640 I said it.

01:01:53.360 And then immediately was like,

01:01:54.800 yeah,

01:01:55.240 I was like,

01:01:55.740 okay,

01:01:56.040 good job.

01:01:57.500 Not essentially.

01:01:58.680 No.

01:02:00.560 All right.

01:02:01.680 Um,

01:02:02.000 last question.

01:02:03.100 Official Sean Sanabria.

01:02:05.860 My mom is twice divorced.

01:02:08.440 And I think subconsciously it prevents me from letting myself be loved and loving another woman properly.

01:02:15.760 I want to be married and have children,

01:02:17.840 but get married once.

01:02:19.920 How can I grow myself in this area?

01:02:22.260 I'm 22 years old.

01:02:23.480 Those are,

01:02:28.220 that's a worthy goal.

01:02:29.240 You know,

01:02:29.480 that's,

01:02:29.820 that's what I wanted as well.

01:02:31.240 It didn't work out that way for me.

01:02:32.660 And it is what that is.

01:02:34.060 But,

01:02:34.580 um,

01:02:35.160 I think,

01:02:35.860 I think the first step is you've already addressed it.

01:02:38.040 You know,

01:02:38.380 where this might be coming from.

01:02:40.080 Yeah.

01:02:40.860 And that might be,

01:02:42.500 I would dive a little deeper into it.

01:02:44.500 So your,

01:02:45.100 your mom has been married twice.

01:02:47.140 Okay.

01:02:47.360 So what,

01:02:47.860 what did you learn from that?

01:02:50.620 Ask yourself and really spend some time pondering this.

01:02:53.360 What did I learn from that?

01:02:55.500 Love doesn't last.

01:02:57.540 Love isn't real.

01:02:59.680 Marriage doesn't work.

01:03:01.860 I'm not even asking you to say whether they're right or wrong.

01:03:04.280 I just want you to identify what lessons you've learned from that and be very conscious about it.

01:03:09.340 In fact,

01:03:09.960 write it down.

01:03:11.620 Don't analyze it.

01:03:12.640 Don't critique it.

01:03:13.400 Don't say,

01:03:13.740 I shouldn't,

01:03:14.140 shouldn't think that way.

01:03:15.040 No,

01:03:15.280 just everything that comes to mind.

01:03:17.200 And this might take a series of days or even weeks.

01:03:20.800 Write down all of the lessons that you learned.

01:03:24.340 And then when you have a nice list of lessons and you feel like you've exhausted all of the lessons that you learned,

01:03:30.300 maybe here's one.

01:03:31.860 Women can't be trusted.

01:03:33.900 Men can't be trusted.

01:03:35.300 I can't trust myself.

01:03:37.100 Like there's,

01:03:37.480 there's a lot of things,

01:03:38.780 right?

01:03:38.980 That you could think about.

01:03:40.060 So you write all those down and then one by one,

01:03:43.040 you start analyzing each one of those.

01:03:47.980 So if it's women can't be trusted,

01:03:51.800 really start thinking of,

01:03:53.240 spend a lot of time thinking about that.

01:03:55.220 Is that true?

01:03:57.040 And if it's not true,

01:03:58.300 what would that look like?

01:03:59.480 And how can I know if I have a partner who is trustworthy?

01:04:03.300 What would I need to see in a partner in order to feel comfortable and feel trusting?

01:04:08.440 Because I'll tell you what you'll do.

01:04:10.200 If you've adopted the idea that women can't be trusted and you get into a relationship,

01:04:14.940 you are going to be so insecure in that relationship.

01:04:19.740 You're going to constantly think that every time she sees a guy or talks with a guy that she's cheating on you,

01:04:26.560 you're going to be very guarded with your resources.

01:04:31.500 For example,

01:04:32.280 money,

01:04:32.660 because you think,

01:04:33.560 well,

01:04:33.760 she might steal from me.

01:04:37.160 Like there's very real consequences for you embracing that mentality.

01:04:40.960 And that what ends up happening,

01:04:42.400 you get in a good loving relationship with a good woman.

01:04:44.820 And because you're so insecure about the story that you've embraced,

01:04:47.940 you actually drive her away and you created the exact scenario that you said was going to happen.

01:04:56.660 And so you say to yourself,

01:04:58.540 see,

01:04:59.280 it's true.

01:05:00.060 I knew it.

01:05:00.900 Yeah.

01:05:01.660 You created it.

01:05:02.960 You didn't know it.

01:05:04.200 You actually created it because of those insecurities.

01:05:07.440 So these mindfulness practices of like writing things down,

01:05:12.140 what lessons did I learn?

01:05:13.440 Is this really objectively true?

01:05:15.240 If it's not,

01:05:15.980 what would I need to see in order to make sure that I don't go down that path?

01:05:20.620 And then you start communicating these things with people.

01:05:24.360 Maybe it's a therapist.

01:05:25.540 Maybe it's a buddy.

01:05:26.820 Maybe it's the woman in your life.

01:05:28.380 And you really have deep conversations and thoughts around what you've learned,

01:05:32.520 what you've extracted and how you're operating in life.

01:05:34.700 It goes back to the scripts that we were telling ourselves earlier.

01:05:36.740 Totally.

01:05:37.860 And I would suggest that a lot of those scripts,

01:05:40.820 I would say,

01:05:41.680 I would add on the additional question of what does this mean about me?

01:05:46.700 Because most things that block us today and tomorrow,

01:05:50.800 these things are about me,

01:05:53.120 right?

01:05:53.380 So it's like,

01:05:54.060 okay,

01:05:54.420 well,

01:05:54.640 women can't be trusted.

01:05:56.040 Let's go a little bit deeper.

01:05:58.100 The reality of it is you're getting blocked because your mom getting divorced

01:06:02.260 meant something about you.

01:06:06.740 And you made it mean something about you.

01:06:09.540 And that's why you're blocked.

01:06:11.900 So look for that evidence as part of that practice as well.

01:06:17.640 Yeah.

01:06:18.080 There's one other thing in this Kip that I was thinking as you were talking about that.

01:06:21.960 When you tell yourself the story,

01:06:23.940 usually there's both truth and a little bit of falsity in it as well.

01:06:29.540 It's usually not one or the other.

01:06:32.200 Because if you believe it to be entirely true,

01:06:34.840 then you're going to operate that way.

01:06:37.260 If you believe it to be,

01:06:39.880 have some falsity in there,

01:06:41.900 then you probably wouldn't,

01:06:43.100 or if you would believe it was entirely false,

01:06:45.000 you wouldn't adopt any of it.

01:06:47.600 So let's take that one.

01:06:49.500 Women can't be trusted.

01:06:51.720 Okay.

01:06:52.340 Where's the little bit of truth in there?

01:06:54.160 Some women can't be trusted.

01:06:55.980 That's true.

01:06:58.320 Because they have a history of not being trustworthy.

01:07:01.540 They sleep around.

01:07:04.760 They step out.

01:07:05.900 They're not honest with their finances.

01:07:09.460 That's accurate.

01:07:11.060 But we can't attribute that to all women.

01:07:15.440 Now, that's not to say that they won't make a mistake

01:07:17.980 and maybe undermine trust occasionally here and there with minor things.

01:07:21.560 Those things happen.

01:07:22.820 But I don't think that makes a person untrustworthy.

01:07:26.200 It just means they're a human being.

01:07:29.020 So when you're looking at the stories,

01:07:31.200 I'm telling you to write down,

01:07:33.020 ask yourself,

01:07:33.900 what's the truth and what's the lie?

01:07:36.560 Because you really need to understand

01:07:38.220 that they all have a little bit of truth,

01:07:40.140 but you're not accurately presenting the truth.

01:07:42.760 You're taking a small subset

01:07:44.680 and you're applying it broadly

01:07:46.780 and it's hindering the relationship

01:07:48.520 that you might otherwise have.

01:07:51.580 This is like the basis of the Meg Tao and Red Pill movement.

01:07:58.460 Women are bitches.

01:08:00.160 Hypergamy.

01:08:01.200 Women can't be trusted.

01:08:02.820 They've taken a past experience

01:08:06.000 or a partial truth

01:08:08.120 and applied it

01:08:09.520 to females

01:08:11.520 broadly.

01:08:13.320 It's just, it's not healthy.

01:08:15.020 It doesn't work like that.

01:08:17.620 Yeah.

01:08:18.580 Absolutely.

01:08:19.060 All right.

01:08:20.540 We had a couple of call to actions.

01:08:22.780 So for copies of sovereignty,

01:08:24.400 you can go to store.orderofman.com

01:08:26.660 and for all your other Order of Man swag,

01:08:30.440 sign up for the newsletter.

01:08:32.080 Iron Council is currently closed,

01:08:33.960 but to learn more about when it's going to open up

01:08:36.940 or to get insights around upcoming events,

01:08:39.980 go to orderofman.com,

01:08:41.980 sign up for the newsletter.

01:08:43.020 And of course,

01:08:43.760 you can connect with Mr.

01:08:45.120 Mickler on the socials,

01:08:46.380 on X and Instagram,

01:08:47.900 at Ryan Mickler.

01:08:49.440 And also join us on our Facebook group

01:08:51.280 at facebook.com slash group slash Order of Man.

01:08:55.000 It's kind of interesting too.

01:08:56.620 Maybe another call out is,

01:08:58.480 if you guys haven't,

01:08:59.700 subscribe to the YouTube channel.

01:09:01.280 It's kind of interesting.

01:09:02.560 The last year,

01:09:04.240 there's like 30,000 more subscribers

01:09:06.880 and then it's been stuck at where its current spot is

01:09:10.940 for probably about 11 months.

01:09:12.460 I can't help but go,

01:09:14.320 that's really odd.

01:09:16.020 But if you guys haven't followed us there,

01:09:18.760 go to the YouTube channel as well.

01:09:23.200 Yeah.

01:09:23.800 I mean,

01:09:24.280 it's only odd if you know that all the algorithms

01:09:26.840 aren't being manipulated.

01:09:29.020 So we have,

01:09:29.580 and it's the environment that we have to work in,

01:09:31.520 you know,

01:09:31.740 so we do our best

01:09:32.680 and your help is much appreciated.

01:09:35.000 So yeah,

01:09:35.760 absolutely.

01:09:36.960 All right,

01:09:37.160 guys,

01:09:37.620 as Kip said earlier,

01:09:38.620 great questions today.

01:09:39.460 I hope we gave you some things to consider

01:09:40.880 and ponder.

01:09:41.720 Not that we're unequivocally accurate or true

01:09:44.640 or right,

01:09:45.520 but at least maybe that gives you something

01:09:47.660 to consider and think about

01:09:48.760 as you apply it in your own life.

01:09:50.360 We will be back on Friday.

01:09:51.600 Until then,

01:09:52.140 go out there,

01:09:52.540 take action,

01:09:53.340 and become the man you.

01:09:54.280 are meant to be.

01:09:56.760 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:09:59.740 You're ready to take charge of your life

01:10:01.360 and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:10:03.760 We invite you to join the order

01:10:05.100 at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - May 01, 2024

Do Not Misrepresent Your Failures, Moving on From Hardship, and Identifying Truth and Lies

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