Do You Have What it Takes to Lead Well? | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode of The Order of Man Podcast, Founder Ryan Mickler talks about the importance of emotional intelligence in order to be a better leader and a better man. He also talks about what it means to be an emotionally stable leader.
Transcript
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where do I fall short when it comes to being emotionally stable for other people? What can
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I do to improve it? What amends do I need to make with other people that I've been short with?
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And what specifically can I do today and moving forward to ensure that when things come up in
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life that are frustrating and challenging for me, I don't lose my cool and turn into a
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prepubescent little boy, but I maintain my frame as a man and I address what problems need to be
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addressed and I help other people get through and navigate their own challenges and hardship.
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That's what we should be doing as men. You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest,
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embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more
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time. Every time you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is
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your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day. And after all
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is said and done, you can call yourself a man. Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast. I am
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Ryan Mickler, but more importantly than that, I am the founder of Order of Man. And this movement,
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this mission is to reclaim and restore masculinity in a society that is continually dismissive of it.
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We see it at every echelon of leadership, from local leadership to the entertainment world,
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to political pundits, to politicians attempting to change what it means to be a man and attempting to
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make us more passive and docile. I can't believe I'm saying this, that the idea of reclaiming,
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restoring masculinity is more relevant than it was when I started saying this nine, 10 years ago.
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And I think there's a big, big push to quote unquote, redefine masculinity. And I'm here to tell
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you that masculinity does not need to be redefined. It needs to be reestablished. We need to go back to
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our roots of what it means to be bold and courageous and assertive and capable and able to lead well and
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protect and serve our communities and family members. And it's my mission to do that. On today's
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podcast, I'm going to talk with you about a very specific element of masculinity, of being a man,
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and that is leadership. But I'm going to break it down into something that many of us don't ever look
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at even outside of just that leadership. We hear a lot about how we're supposed to show up as being
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tenacious and bold and courageous and visionaries. And all of that is absolutely true. But there's also
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another element that is often overlooked. And that is our ability to have a level of emotional
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intelligence. Seems like every time I bring up the concept or conversation of emotions, men seem to tap
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out a little bit. Certainly we resonate with the idea of stoicism. We resonate with the idea of leading
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well. But when it comes to emotions, that's almost a swear word in a lot of circles. So I'm going to
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talk with you about that today and leading well, and specifically five key things or factors that go
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into you being the rock that you need to be for your family and your people. Now, before I get into
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that, and before I go any further, and speaking of leadership and being the rock, I do want to
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introduce you to a company that I work very, very closely with. In fact, I just got off the phone with
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one of their marketing directors. This is Montana Knife Company. They are leading from the front
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in American manufacturing. Josh Smith is doing wonderful things along with his team
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in restoring American manufacturing in Montana by building 100% made in American knives. So if you're
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looking to have a good knife in your arsenal, your tool belt, and you want to support American
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manufacturing and American workers, then look no further than Montana Knife Company. And one of the
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things that's good about this, we see these docks being shut down and ports being shut down on the
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East Coast. They're not impacted by it the way other organizations are because everything here is
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made in America. So go check them out. MontanaKnifeCompany.com and use the code ORDEROFMAN at checkout.
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All right, guys, let's talk about this. At first, I was going to call this Emotional Intelligence
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101. But again, I think we have an aversion as men to the idea of emotions, even just talking about them
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or discussing them. So rather than call it that, I want to talk about being the rock, the rock that
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your family and your friends and your colleagues and your co-workers need. And in order to be that
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stable rock or that beacon or that bedrock, whatever analogy you want to use, it's crucial that we learn
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how to control and harness our emotions because that to me is probably one of our greatest threats when it
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comes to leading well. And I'll tell you why. If you cannot regulate and manage your emotions well, you are
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going to be prone to reacting to certain stimulus and environments and frustrations. And when you do that, when
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you react, which is more defensive than it is proactive, you tend to be more short. You tend to
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lose your calm and your cool and your patience. You tend to make bad decisions. And I think one of the
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greatest factors is you are creating a level of instability with the people that need you to be
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stable. For example, if you're talking with your children about issues they're dealing with at school
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or growing up or if they're a little older, marriage and what to do for work and career aspirations,
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and they want to share things with you, but every time they come to talk with you, it's like you're
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bipolar. You're a completely different person based on these external circumstances. There's a lot of
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potential threat in that for them. Same thing with your wife. If you're so emotionally volatile and
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you're high and low and up and down and all over the place, she's not going to feel comfortable coming to
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you. Same thing with clients. Same thing with teammates at work. Same thing with your employer.
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The guy who is calm, cool, and collected at all times, regardless of what's going on around him,
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is the guy that everybody else is going to look to when things get difficult and challenging.
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You know, we're on the back of this hurricane that impacted Florida, North Carolina, Georgia,
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and other parts of the country. And I would go so far to say that there's a lot of men who probably
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completely lost their cool. And to a degree, it's understandable when you're in a crisis like that.
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But again, it's the men who stand up, who are convicted, who are bold, who can regulate their
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emotions, who don't freak out, who don't react. They can see a problem for what it is, and they
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can make a plan and start dealing with it in a very effective, mature, emotionally relevant way.
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So I'm going to break down five factors. These are often things that get overlooked as it pertains
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to leadership, but this will help you be more emotionally intelligent or be that rock for the people that need you.
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Number one, it requires an element of patience. Too many men that I know are not patient. And guess
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what? Every time I look in the mirror in the morning, I'm looking at a guy who is not patient.
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I want things to happen now. I want them to go smoothly. I want the result of whatever I'm trying
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to accomplish to come as fast as possible. Sometimes, quite frankly, I get irritated and agitated
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by people who are, in a lot of ways, trying to help, but end up making problems worse. I lose my
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calm. I lose my cool. And it's really just undermining what I'm supposed to be doing as a
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man, which is to be patient with other people. So that's the first thing is just learning to be
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patient. And how do you do this? Well, the first thing that you do is you got to give yourself time.
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I noticed that when I am the least effective when it comes to communicating my thoughts and
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ideas effectively and in a way that lands with people is when I'm pressed for time. It's when
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I have back-to-back-to-back appointments and when I'm freaked out about a deadline or things that need
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to get done and I have no margin in my life to address things that come up appropriately. And I think
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you could probably attest to that as well. You know, for example, if I've got so many meetings
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throughout the day that I can't get all the work done that I want to get done, and then one of my
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kids comes to me and says, hey, dad, can you take me to football practice? It's at a different time.
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It's an hour earlier today. Well, those are little minor frustrations. They're inconveniences for sure.
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But if you allow your day to get away from you and you have no space and margin, if you're like me,
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that's going to frustrate you. Sure, you'll do it. But in the meantime, you might make a comment or
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cop an attitude in a way that undermines the relationship that you have with your son.
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If your wife wants to talk with you about her day, but you're so consumed with yours because
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you didn't do it as effectively as you could, you can't be patient with her and sit there and
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actually listen intently to the things that she's trying to share with you. Guys, I'd take a look,
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a deep look at your schedule and ask, where are you wasting time? Where can you cut out unnecessary
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meetings? Where can you be a little bit more efficient with the way that you're doing things?
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I had somebody call me the other day or message me and they said they wanted to set up a meeting
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before we had another meeting with somebody else. And I messaged him back. I said, I'm not interested
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in that. We don't have a, we don't need to have a meeting to have another meeting. And that's just
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a waste of your time. It's a waste of my time. And I said it respectfully, but also I was very clear
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about it because I know I don't want to spend another hour that isn't needed, needing to be spent
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on that. So I can focus and prioritize and put it somewhere else more effectively. So work on your
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patience, have an empathetic heart, be kind, and just step away from a situation. If you notice
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yourself getting frustrated so that you can be patient with people and also yourself as you screw
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up, know that it takes time. Number two is awareness. You cannot serve people effectively
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when it comes to regulating your emotions and theirs, if you're not aware of the things that
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you're dealing with. What frustrates you? What agitates you? What irritates you? When somebody
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does something quote unquote wrong, and I'm only using quotations because it might not be wrong,
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but you're just perceiving it that way. What is it that gets you mad about it? If somebody comes at
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you in a way that you don't appreciate, you feel disrespected, what story are you telling yourself
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about the disrespect? What stories are you using to excuse away your own performance? Who are you
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blaming all of your life's problems on? These are all factors of awareness. And the more that you become
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aware of the own internal struggles and dilemmas and challenges that you are dealing with, the more
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capable you are of helping people deal with theirs. I found through my own trials, specifically over the
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past couple of years, two, three years now, as I learned to afford myself some grace, I also learned
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how to afford other people grace in their lives. And that's what they need. Again, to go back to your
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children, asking you to run an errand you don't want to run or having a difficult day and needing to
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talk with you, or even just doing something dumb they shouldn't have done like all kids and grown
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adults do. If you can afford them a little more grace through that process, you're going to build
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the relationship. Now, granted, there's a line, there might need some coaching or advice given,
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there might need to be some discipline that takes place. But the grace is what allows you to build and
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mend relationships that you might have been undermining for a year, five years, 10 years, maybe even 40
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years with, you know, a child or something like that. So really try to be aware. And the way that
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you're aware of what you're going through is just by asking yourself questions. I alluded to some of
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them. Why do you feel the way you do? Why are you mad right now? What is the emotion that you're
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experiencing trying to teach you? I would also really focus on being aware with other people.
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You should know when one of your people's having an off day. And I can, I can tell the people who are
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closest in my life. I can tell that they're off because it's a deviation from their normal and
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typical behavior. And when that takes place, I ask them about it. Now, some guys will get very mad,
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like, Oh, I asked people, but they don't share it with me. They won't tell me anything. Well,
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maybe part of the reason they don't feel confident and comfortable sharing with you is because you have
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been so emotionally volatile that they're afraid of who they're going to receive. Are they going to get
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the nice, thoughtful, caring, kind, empathetic man that they know and love, or are they going to get
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the agitated, irritated, frustrated, short, arguing, yelling, screaming kind of man that maybe they've
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seen too. So if you're trying to mend and repair relationships and you're trying to be the rock
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that people need you to be, it's going to take some time. I have some close personal friends and
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clients inside of the iron council who have been working on this for years and they're seeing very
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little results. And that's understandable. And I try to be nice and appropriate with my wife and
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kids, but they still won't talk to me and they're still worried about things. It's like, well, you
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spent the last 10 years undermining everything that you're trying to do now. So stay with it,
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realize it's going to take some time, have some patience to go back to point number one and be
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aware not only of what you're dealing with, but how they might be perceiving the risk associated with
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coming to you. And if you know, and you can be aware of other people's emotions, look, it's not
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your responsibility to change their emotions or to even manage their emotions. But I would think
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that you could agree that if we're supposed to lead these people, then we ought to be aware of what
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they're going through so we can help them navigate their emotions and their challenges as well.
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Let's go to point number three. I found that the most emotionally intelligent people,
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those men who can be the bedrock for their families and for their people are the ones who are the most
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competent. When you're competent, you're also confident. You walk around with a swagger. You
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don't feel offended by every little thing. You don't feel slighted all the time. You don't feel like the
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world's out to get you. You don't paint yourself into a victim corner. All of those things are going to
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create some negativity. And of course, the way that you communicate when you're negative is going to be
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received that way by other people. But I found that the more competent I am, the less relevant so
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much other elements of my life become. The more competent I am, for example, with podcasting,
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the less relevant somebody saying I suck at podcasting is to me. I just know it's not true.
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Sure, I can sting a little and it can be bothersome, but I don't need to consume myself and get wrapped up
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with trying to defend who I am as a podcaster or try to convince them that they're wrong. I really
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don't have much of a worry or a care about that because I know in my heart of hearts that I am a
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competent man when it comes to certain aspects of my life. And that's what we should all be striving
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for. So I'd ask you today, how are you working on your competency? And in what areas are you
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specifically trying to improve? If it's at work, maybe it's communication with clients. Maybe it's
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learning a software or program a little bit better than you currently know it. Maybe it's having a
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difficult conversation with your boss or making sure you guys get that assignment done and it gets
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delivered on time. Or maybe there is some networking you need to learn how to do. And so you buy a course
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on networking. There are so many different ways to improve your levels of competency that I can't even
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explain it because I don't know exactly how it's going to fit for you. But what I do know is that
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when a man is competent, he's confident. And when he's confident, he's less shakable. He becomes
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unshakable by external circumstances that are bound to happen. All right, let's go to number four,
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humility. A great leader is humble. Now look, we all have examples of what I would say,
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quote unquote, leaders who are not this way. They're horrible people. I would say
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that that's closer to tyranny or dictatorship than it is leadership. Leadership has a positive
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connotation. And a great leader is humble enough not to allow things to get to him,
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humble enough to realize that he makes mistakes and he falls short, humble enough to apologize
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and ask for forgiveness if he does fall short. And I found that a lot of men, and I've fallen into
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this trap too, a lot of men think that being humble in a way is like an apology, for example,
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or not knowing how to do something and actually just being honest about it, like I don't know how
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to do that, is actually going to undermine your authority. I'm here to tell you it's not. It's
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really not. I've got countless situations, but I remember one in particular when I was doing my
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financial planning practice and we were going through some different investments. And this was early
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on in my career, but going through some different investment options. And the client said to me,
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you know, these are all great options, Ryan. And I really see the value in what you're talking about,
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but I'm really interested in this type of investment. And it had more to do with trading
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stocks and picking stocks, which is not something I was comfortable with. And I'm still not comfortable
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with today for different reasons. And they said, can you help me with that? And in a moment I thought,
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well, yeah, I should say, yes, I know all about that. I can help you with that. But that wasn't
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true. And so I decided instead to be humble and also be honest and say, I actually don't know much
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about that. So we can do one of two things. I can go back and I can learn, or I can bring somebody else
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to the table, a partner of mine, a friend or a resource, and have them talk with all of us about
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those options. And that's what they had opted, ended up doing. And this particular advisor ended
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up doing the business with them. Now it would be easy to be frustrated, right? Well, that guy got
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the business. I'm the one who brought it to him. I didn't make any money on it. That's all selfish,
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but that's naturally what we'd think. Well, what I found out later because of their actions is that
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they then referred me to a half a dozen people for my wheelhouse. Now, if I would have lied to them
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and sold them some investment product, I didn't know anything about, maybe it would have worked
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out. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe I get the referrals. Maybe I wouldn't. But the reason I'm telling you
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this story is because when you're honest with people about your own shortcomings and your own
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deficiencies and what they might be dealing with, you are going to build trust and credibility.
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If you do that correctly, if you say, no, I don't know anything about that, but let me continue to
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help you by introducing you to somebody, then you're going to build that trust. Now they know.
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It's the same thing with being honest about a person's performance. I know it's very tempting
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to paint every scenario through this, this lens of the rose colored glasses. I get it. You don't
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want to give negative or, or, or feedback to people because it might hurt and it's going to hurt.
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Of course, if you're giving them criticism, it's going to hurt. But I'd argue that if you're in the
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position to give a person critique on whatever it is they're doing, whether it's personally or
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professionally, then you being honest about it, but still doing it from an empathetic way,
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but being honest about their lack, that's a person that can be trusted.
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Yeah, sure. They're not going to like it, but at least they know they can trust you to be honest
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with them. And if they can't trust you to be honest and sincere, I really don't know what
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else is worth having in a relationship. I think that's the foundation of any great relationship is
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trust. And in order to do that, you need to be honest about how you feel and about how the other
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person is showing up. The better you do that, the more you build the trust and relationship with
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other people. And the last point that I want to make, so I've only got five today, but the last
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point that I want to make when it becomes to, uh, being that foundation, that pillar, that beacon
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or rock for your family is to be responsive as opposed to reactive. So many people are continually
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reactive. And I said it earlier, being reactive is being on the defense. And when you're heels,
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you're on your heels or you're back up against a wall, you're going to fight. You're going to
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fight against something you don't even need to fight against. Cause sometimes we paint other
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people or outside scenarios as our enemy. And we back ourselves into a corner and we start fighting
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when there's actually nothing really to fight. Now, look, there are evil people in the world.
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There are fights worth having physically, mentally, intellectually, there's fights worth having,
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but I would argue that more often than not, the fight really isn't there. If you learn to
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communicate effectively and you stop playing defense about everything because you're lacking
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competency, it goes back to what we said earlier. And instead you're just so sure-footed, you're so
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secure with your base of who you are that you don't have to lash out and be upset and yell and hit
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people and things and do all the things that I've seen so many men do throughout their lives.
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Some of which I have done, you know, yelling, shouting, berating, belittling. I've punched
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holes in walls, just very immature boy-like behavior. We can't do that. You have to let
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that go guys. And the way to do that, by the way, is when you notice your blood is boiling and the
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temperature is rising and you'll feel it. I feel it. My heart rate beats faster. I feel myself
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physically like my shoulders and arms, my fist, everything like tenses up physically. That's when
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I know I'm getting very, very agitated and very, very irritated. If I lash out in that moment,
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I'm being reactive and I'm undermining what I'm trying to do for people. And that is what
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leadership is about. It's about serving people, doing for others. When I feel myself in those
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moments, I exercise some patience. I give myself some margin and I back away from the conversation
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until a later time. And that time is usually established because what a lot of guys will
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do is they're avoidant. They have these avoidant mentalities. So they'll back up out of the
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conversation and never get back into it. You have to get back into it, but you have to do it when your
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blood is not boiling. And the other thing I would say about that is when you notice yourself getting
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frustrated, seek to understand what the other person is experiencing because it's likely they're
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frustrated too. I've had conversations just, just recently where there was some simple
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misunderstandings. I saw it one way, they saw it the other way. And I said something, I'm trying
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to be a little, I know I'm not giving you a great example because I'm not giving you the details,
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but I said something and the other person was like, well, that's not what I meant at all. This
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is actually what I meant. And then they said what they said, which I misinterpreted. And they said,
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well, that's not at all what I meant. So both of us were fighting over nothing,
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fighting over what we thought we heard, fighting over what we interpreted to be something that actually
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wasn't. So if you notice that blood is boiling, take a breath, get yourself out of the
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environment. When you come back into the environment and have that discussion, it's done from a calm,
00:23:09.280
cool and collected place. But it also comes from a place of understanding. Hey, help me understand
00:23:15.100
what you meant by that. Now that's not accusatory at all. It's not, well, you said this and I can't
00:23:20.760
believe how you made me feel. No, I don't really understand what you mean by that. Or when I hear
00:23:27.300
that I get frustrated. Can you help me understand what you mean? Or can you elaborate? Give a person
00:23:32.680
the benefit of the doubt. If somebody does something dumb at work, one of your subordinates,
00:23:37.420
your employees does something dumb at work, rather than be pissed off and just immediately fire them
00:23:41.300
or berate them in front of the rest of the workforce, bring that person aside. Hey, you did this.
00:23:49.180
You knew what the task was. You didn't complete it or you didn't complete it to standard.
00:23:53.020
I'm not upset. I'm just trying to figure out where, where we went wrong and give them the benefit of
00:24:00.200
doubt. And I would say this, maybe it was me. Maybe I failed to provide you the instructions
00:24:04.300
that you needed to get this done. Maybe I failed to give you appropriate time to complete the
00:24:08.780
project. Maybe I failed to connect you with people that you needed to be connected with. Maybe I failed
00:24:14.400
because I didn't give you the proper training that you actually needed in order to accomplish
00:24:19.000
the task that I gave you. This is Jocko's extreme ownership, right? I'm not going to take everything
00:24:25.620
on my shoulders. They very easily could have asked me or asked for an extension or asked for a
00:24:30.340
resource, but I can't control that. What I can control is how I show up. And so if that person
00:24:36.400
says, yeah, you know what, Ryan, actually, um, you asked me to do this, but I never got trained on
00:24:42.400
that. Okay. Well, whose fault is that then? Why are you being mad at that person? That's my fault as,
00:24:48.880
as the person who should have offered the training. So I dropped the ball. And what I did,
00:24:53.580
because we react too often is we put it on them and then we dump all this extra baggage on them
00:25:00.900
in addition, cause they're guilty. They feel bad about not hitting the deadline. Most people would.
00:25:07.760
So they're already experiencing some suffering and then you just pour it on by making them feel
00:25:11.720
lower or less than it's not great leadership. It really isn't. And we all know that because we've
00:25:17.080
all been subject to it. And we've also subjected others to it. Guys, we really, really need to focus
00:25:23.320
on being just more calm, more level-headed. Some of the greatest men I know are the ones that you
00:25:30.900
would never think a thing about. They're so unassuming. They almost appear passive in a way
00:25:36.740
and they're not, they're not. That's something different. But, but on the first glance, they
00:25:40.300
almost seem as if they're passive and it's not passivity. It's confidence. It's emotional maturity.
00:25:47.900
They realize that they need to be the rock for their family or their friends or their
00:25:52.720
colleagues, coworkers, et cetera, neighbors, community members, et cetera. And in order to
00:25:57.360
be that, they have to be stable and bold and courageous and competent and aware and patient
00:26:01.300
and all the other things that we talked about today. So my challenge to you over the weekend
00:26:05.960
is ask yourself, and I would get out a journal or a notepad and just ask yourself, where do I fall
00:26:11.340
short when it comes to being emotionally stable for other people? What can I do to improve it?
00:26:18.660
What, what amends do I need to make with other people that I've been short with? And what
00:26:23.000
specifically can I do today and moving forward to ensure that when things come up in life that
00:26:27.780
are frustrating and challenging for me, I don't lose my cool and turn into a prepubescent
00:26:32.840
little boy, but I maintain my frame as a man and I address what problems need to be addressed
00:26:39.360
and I help other people get through and navigate their own challenges and hardship.
00:26:43.380
That's what we should be doing as men. And that's how we established ourselves as leaders,
00:26:47.980
in addition to other virtues that we have talked about in the past, but not today.
00:26:52.440
I wanted to give you a different spin on it. So I hope that helps men. Remember,
00:26:56.520
we've got our partners over at Montana Knife Company doing great things, leading well
00:26:59.820
and building American manufacturing back from the ground up. In fact, I think they're breaking ground
00:27:04.360
fairly soon on a brand new building in Montana. They had just built a building and now they're
00:27:10.040
building another one because they need it even bigger. So it's pretty incredible to see the work
00:27:13.640
they're doing over there and you're a big part to play in that. Also go check out our website,
00:27:18.280
orderofman.com. I say that because just this week we dropped and released our newest website.
00:27:24.360
It looks really good. It's easy to navigate and I would love for you to check it out and give your
00:27:28.020
feedback on it. All right, guys, those are your marching orders. We will be back on Tuesday of next
00:27:32.820
week. Until then, go out there, take action, lead well, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:27:42.820
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:27:47.420
and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.