Order of Man - Doing Deep Work, Why Men Should Never Chase, and the Meaning of Emotions ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. What's up, brother? Good, sir. Good. Decided to get through

00:00:29.840 some more questions this week. I think we may have rambled a little too much last week,

00:00:34.800 but I don't know. It's hard to say. I don't know. I think the guys,

00:00:37.980 I'm not going to say they like the rambling. Actually, no, I did. Now that you say that,

00:00:41.980 I saw a comment on YouTube, because we're doing a lot more over there, and somebody said too much

00:00:46.400 rambling or something, and you said copy. Too much fluff. Yeah, and you said copy. I was going to say

00:00:51.000 back to you. I was going to say, screw this guy, dude. For every one guy that has some negative

00:00:56.180 negative comment, there's a hundred guys who enjoy it, so just shut up and just listen or

00:01:01.300 move along. I can't believe how many people feel the need to make negative comments, not just on

00:01:06.080 YouTube, but just life in general. I can't think of a time where I've disagreed with somebody on

00:01:12.740 social media, and I've felt the need to tell them they're wrong, or they're an a-hole, or I disagree

00:01:19.520 with them. I have too much other things to worry about than to get wrapped up in telling somebody.

00:01:26.080 I just move along. That's the beauty of social media, is if you don't like what somebody has to

00:01:30.180 say, you just stop following them. It's not difficult. So I'm telling you, don't take that

00:01:39.420 stuff. Don't engage. Exactly. Well, what I should have done is replied back, well, you know what? I was

00:01:44.360 thinking the other day, and just add this huge, long paragraph of understanding, which was a lot

00:01:51.540 of fluff. You get it? I get it. I wouldn't have done that, though, no. I'm actually borderline won't

00:02:00.460 look at comments anymore, except for I enjoy looking at the comments because we do get so

00:02:05.080 much positive feedback, and it is social media, social being the key word, and I try to be as social

00:02:10.580 as possible because there's a lot of guys who are listening to this podcast who support what we do

00:02:16.980 and want to engage in a meaningful way. It's just too bad you have the negative. The very few, it's

00:02:23.060 usually like one to two percent, if that, that just, I don't know, they've got it rough or something. I

00:02:30.740 don't know, they've had a bad life or whatever, and they're down in the dumps, and they're worried

00:02:34.580 about what other people are doing rather than worrying about their self. I do think it's important to

00:02:39.000 clarify, though, and please correct me if I'm wrong, Ryan. If you're watching a video, let's say

00:02:47.000 that Ryan Day, or not Ryan Day, that Ryan Holiday did, and you had feedback, you would, in that case,

00:02:54.940 provide feedback. Why? Because Ryan knows you, because there is an established relationship where

00:03:00.200 it makes sense for you to provide feedback. It's really from this perspective of we don't even know

00:03:06.280 that individual. We don't know these individuals, and thus, why would we be taking advice from

00:03:10.580 someone that we have no established relationship with or may even respect or even know that they

00:03:15.440 have expertise in that area? Yeah, I mean, we talk about that a lot is the idea of qualifying your

00:03:20.580 sources of, we'll call it criticism or feedback. I would never take advice from a fat person on how to

00:03:27.040 lose weight. I would never take advice from a broke individual on how to build wealth. I would never take

00:03:33.700 advice from somebody who's been divorced three times on how to create a sustainable marriage.

00:03:41.020 That's ridiculous. Now, somebody who's been fat but overcome it and figured it out, sure. Somebody

00:03:47.100 who's been broke, absolutely. Somebody who's gone through a divorce but now has a thriving marriage,

00:03:50.960 absolutely. But they've qualified themselves to give that advice. The other side, too, is in a lot of

00:03:57.160 ways, most people haven't earned the right to give you or me or even the guys listening any feedback.

00:04:04.120 It's like, what gives you the right to feel like you've earned that right to give feedback,

00:04:10.480 if that makes sense? And that's part of the problem with social media is that

00:04:13.880 everybody has a voice, right? And we're supposed to believe, this is not true, but we're supposed to

00:04:20.840 believe that everybody's voice is important or that everybody's opinion has equal weight.

00:04:27.960 And that's the furthest thing from the truth. Some people's opinions don't matter. And I'm not

00:04:35.540 saying that they don't have a right to say it. That's not what I'm suggesting. They have that right,

00:04:40.640 but it doesn't mean I have to agree with it. That's actually one of the interesting things,

00:04:44.300 too, I get a lot is when I disagree with somebody or I had made a post on Instagram the other day.

00:04:52.160 I don't know if you saw this video. It was an elk that had attacked some people. They were at a

00:04:57.620 state park. A couple of things here. First, they're wild animals. These are not zoo animals. These are

00:05:04.400 not domesticated pets. Stay away from the dang animals, number one. Number two, there was probably 1.00

00:05:10.740 half a dozen to maybe 10 dudes who just walked off. This woman was getting mauled. By the way,

00:05:19.420 she turned into that open guard. I don't know if you saw that. With her feet up. Yeah, man. She 0.92

00:05:25.220 potentially saved her life. But all these guys just walked away. And I criticized that. And somebody

00:05:32.560 came back and said, well, you know, you shouldn't criticize this individual. You shouldn't judge them

00:05:39.340 or anything else. And why are you chastising them? And, you know, they have a right to do that.

00:05:44.900 I'm like, yeah, just because they have a right to do that doesn't mean that I'm obligated to agree

00:05:50.320 with their position or their stance or their behavior. And it seems weird to me that so many

00:05:55.560 people cannot separate the idea that Americans have the right to say and do things and that I am not 0.73

00:06:05.200 obligated to agree with it. Those are two separate distinct notions, ideals. So I can disagree with

00:06:13.860 somebody's actions and still maintain or preserve their right to say it or do it. The national anthem

00:06:20.540 is a great example. Whenever I say, you know, somebody who isn't standing up for the national

00:06:25.060 anthem is ignorant and disrespectful, I'm always met with, well, they have the right to do it.

00:06:31.660 Yeah. Yeah. I'm not arguing that. I'm not arguing that they don't have the right to do it. I'm

00:06:37.380 arguing that what they're doing is wrong. Two distinct things, but people have a hard time

00:06:42.320 separating the two. Yeah. And both of those rights are critical. The right for you to call that out

00:06:47.280 and the right for them to take an action against something or to, well, not to have the freedom

00:06:53.360 to do what they want. Yeah. It's interesting because we're just, I agree. I agree. We just live in this,

00:06:59.080 this silence culture. You know, if somebody disagrees with me, what's the, what's the quote?

00:07:04.480 Never let me fall into the vulgar mistake of every, of believing that every time somebody disagrees

00:07:09.940 with me, I'm being persecuted. I slaughtered that. But yeah, but that's the point. Don't fall into the

00:07:16.560 trap that believing that just because somebody disagrees with you, that they're persecuting you.

00:07:21.900 They just disagree. That's it. We've lost the, the ability to have a respectful conversation. I mean,

00:07:29.460 Kip and you, you and I, we agree on what 95 or more percent of the things. And even the things that

00:07:34.760 we disagree on, I think we, we have, we at least have some level of mutual respect and we're trying

00:07:41.700 to come to the same conclusion and get to the same place. So we have this civil discourse, even on

00:07:47.080 things we disagree with. I've never once thought, well, Kip disagreed with me on that. So I guess,

00:07:52.480 I guess we can't do this podcast together anymore. I guess I can't, you know, be friends with him.

00:07:56.700 And yet that is very, very common. Yeah. And it's interesting because we think that that's

00:08:02.940 effective, that if you go around and you bulldoze people and you silence them with your disagreement

00:08:09.740 and they just never rebuttal, that that's actually healthy. That's actually good for them.

00:08:14.520 Yeah. I won. I won. Yeah, exactly. Wait. And I was having this conversation. I mean,

00:08:19.060 even just with my kids is like, you know, uh, just the other day, Kiave was upset with something.

00:08:25.480 His mom asked me to do something. He was kind of upset about it. And he kind of had attitude about

00:08:31.340 it. I'm like, okay, let's address this. Number one, you need to control your emotions and not have

00:08:35.900 an attitude. Second, I want to be really clear. I don't want you just to walk away and do what we asked.

00:08:43.040 If you're upset, you need to pause and go, Hey, in a calm way, I disagree with this, or I don't

00:08:51.560 understand why this is important. And it's making me upset about this. Can I get clarity? And then

00:08:57.300 you can get on the same page with us, understand why are the requests is coming from and address

00:09:02.680 whatever internal dialogue you're having about the request that made you upset. Because it's equally

00:09:08.160 not good for me as a parent for my kids just to yes, sir, do it. And then meanwhile, they're walking

00:09:13.400 off completely pissed off because what am I teaching them? Right. Be silent. Don't have open

00:09:19.460 communication for something. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, no, I don't want that because how they deal

00:09:24.260 with me and how they deal with their mom is how they're going to deal with their spouses. And we've

00:09:28.460 talked about this so many times. That's not beneficial in a marriage, right? If your wife is bulldozing you 1.00

00:09:33.260 or your husband is bulldozing you and you're just silencing going on your merry way. But 0.79

00:09:37.500 meanwhile, you're sabotaging the relationship and you're upset and you're having covert contracts

00:09:42.840 because you disagree with something that you're unwilling to communicate about.

00:09:47.260 A hundred percent, man. It's absolutely right.

00:09:50.120 We'll just keep riffing, man. We don't even need questions.

00:09:52.780 Screw questions, man. We can come up with better topics on our own.

00:09:58.380 No, let's get to the questions.

00:10:00.680 All right. Let's we, we've, uh, we've officially burned up 10 minutes now. So

00:10:06.760 guys, let's get in. Well, usually we don't go for 10 minutes. We usually go for five,

00:10:11.360 but, uh, guys, let's get to your questions. You're, you're important too. So let's get to

00:10:17.320 what you have to say. We'll do our best to answering these questions. They're coming from,

00:10:20.560 are they coming from Facebook or the iron council today?

00:10:22.560 All Facebook today.

00:10:23.760 All Facebook today.

00:10:25.140 Yep. Facebook.com slash group slash order of man. If you want to join us there.

00:10:29.080 Yeah. And based on the, the caliber of question, we'll let you know if you're ready for the iron

00:10:33.640 council. Each guy, we're like, copy check. You're in. You may, you may request access.

00:10:41.840 Yeah. Which is something we've talked about, you know, limiting the membership in the IC and kind

00:10:46.760 of making that a little bit more exclusive. So yeah, that in mind guys. All right. Greg Emerson,

00:10:52.220 we spent a lot of time working on the father son relationship. How would you recommend dealing

00:10:57.440 with a difficult mother son relationship? My mother and I have a tough time with the simplest

00:11:02.560 things, communication, understanding, and not being frustrated. Talking directly to her about

00:11:09.000 our issues has not been fruitful either. My dad and I are in agreement about the issues,

00:11:14.840 but he isn't exactly helpful either. Do you have any recommendations? I mean, I don't,

00:11:20.580 I don't know how old this guy is, but yeah, I mean, you, you're probably at a point where,

00:11:26.780 you know, you do the best you can and make the best of the situation and be cordial.

00:11:31.560 Maybe there's some topics and some conversations that are off limits. Look, man, it's not your job

00:11:35.740 to save her. It's not your job to rescue her. It's not your job to even point out where she's wrong

00:11:41.100 or how she could do life better. Now, if she's asking you for that information, then I would say,

00:11:46.600 go ahead and share it. But outside of that, you're a grown man. She's a grown woman, I assume. So

00:11:52.620 let her live her life. You live your life. Your dad is a grown man. He can figure it out. The

00:11:59.020 dynamic and the relationship with his wife, your mother is not your place. So have, have the best

00:12:05.980 conversations that you can love your mother, be engaged with her to the degree that you want and

00:12:10.780 can. There's certain topics that can't be broached because it turns into an argument or a knockout

00:12:16.160 drag down fight and just leave it alone. Like, what's the point? There's no point to getting

00:12:22.420 into that argument and it's not even your place to do it. So I would say disengage from the things

00:12:27.380 that aren't worth getting into. I mean, not everything is your battle and not every, you

00:12:34.480 don't have to die on every hill. Choose your battles wisely. And this is a battle that frankly

00:12:39.840 may not be worth fighting. Yeah. John Gary Bishop in his last book, and he talked about it on the

00:12:46.600 podcast. I can't remember the episode, but, um, just the power and the detriment of expectation.

00:12:53.900 You obviously have some strong expectation on your mom. Oh, she should do X. She should be 0.98

00:13:00.520 this way. Why? Why should she? Yeah. She doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe her anything.

00:13:06.780 Exactly. Exactly. Like let go of the expectation and maybe just love her the way she is. Now you

00:13:13.000 don't have to agree with it. We've talked about this all the time. You don't have to agree. You

00:13:16.040 don't have to choose to engage, but you can also just realize that that's just kind of the way she

00:13:20.580 is. Right. You know, and stop making her wrong so much, but I, all right, Dallin Edwards, if I have

00:13:27.520 already had, Oh, if I already have a group of people that keep me accountable and I push myself pretty

00:13:33.240 hard goal-wise, is there a reason to join the iron council? You're asking cause you're missing

00:13:39.900 something. Yeah. If you weren't missing something, you wouldn't be asking this question. So what are

00:13:47.360 you missing? Yeah. I can't answer that question because I don't know what he's missing. I could

00:13:52.940 look, this is a, this is a lesson for all of our sales guys and our marketers here. Okay.

00:13:58.940 There's a great book called the selling chronicles and it's directed more towards the financial

00:14:04.560 planning, uh, financial services industry. But the whole premise of the book is don't sell,

00:14:11.800 don't sell, don't chase, don't sell. That's not your job. You let people tell you why they

00:14:21.800 should work with you. So this is a lesson for our marketers, for our sales guys. What's,

00:14:27.740 what's this gentleman's name? Uh, Dallin, Dallin, I'm not going to convince you to join the iron

00:14:32.180 council because I don't care if you join the iron council. And I know that sounds maybe a little

00:14:37.620 rough, maybe a little harsh. Uh, I would love for you to be part of the iron council, but whether you

00:14:43.160 join us or not doesn't affect me. So you need to answer the question of what you're missing.

00:14:49.720 What are you missing? If you have guys in your community and you have the accountability and the

00:14:55.360 brotherhood and you're being pushed and you're pushing as hard as you can, then the answer is

00:14:59.580 most certainly no, you don't need the iron council, but it's a pretty good indicator that

00:15:05.060 something is off, that there's something lacking in your own life. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking

00:15:11.360 the question. So answer that question. What do you want? And then if I know what you want, I can tell

00:15:18.080 you whether or not we may be able to provide solutions to that, but I'm not going to jump to

00:15:22.280 conclusions and I'm not going to sell you on all the benefits of joining the iron council. I'm not

00:15:27.700 going to do that for anybody. So you let me know what it is that's missing and I'll tell you if we

00:15:34.340 can fill it or not. Yeah. I love that. I love that because I run into that all the time from a work

00:15:41.620 perspective. That's all I do is present opportunity and possibility. And then it's up to the client to

00:15:50.400 decide is like, yeah, that's applicable or that would benefit us. But that, that's not my call.

00:15:55.380 That is their call. Not mine. All I do is present the art of the possible.

00:15:59.960 And we have to assume that Dallin and your potential clients and my other potential clients

00:16:04.700 are adults that are rational and capable of making decisions that are going to be in their best

00:16:10.300 interest. Yeah, totally. So if somebody says, no, I'm not going to join the iron council,

00:16:14.300 then I have to assume that that individual is making a rational conscious decision that is in

00:16:20.520 his best interest. If he is joining the iron council, then I'm going to assume that he's

00:16:25.280 making a rational decision because he feels like joining the iron council will be in his best

00:16:29.360 decision. I'll present what we have available. I'll present what good I think it's going to do,

00:16:34.020 but I'm not going to convince anybody to, to be part of anything that I'm doing, whether it's buying

00:16:38.800 a shirt or a wallet or joining the iron council or coming to one of our events,

00:16:42.160 or even listening to this podcast. I would love you to. I'm honored when people do,

00:16:46.380 but it doesn't affect me one way or the other. Yeah. I mean, it's not our, it's not our problem.

00:16:51.440 If you're not manning up and wearing iron, uh, order of man gear. I mean, that's your,

00:16:56.840 that's your problem. That's on you. And you're going to get less promotions, less women, 1.00

00:17:01.880 less sexual encounters. Um, you're probably not going to be as strong or happy or happy or fulfilled

00:17:08.820 if you're not wearing order of man merchandise, but then you make your decision, whatever you want

00:17:12.940 to do. Your call. I, uh, what, uh, the point that I'm making here is, you know, you, you let me know

00:17:19.860 what you feel like you're missing and I'll be clear with you whether we can feel it or not. I mean,

00:17:24.560 I've told guys like, Hey, based on what you're asking or looking for, the iron council is not a

00:17:29.140 fit. Uh, I, I had a, I had a call with a gentleman. I must've been about two weeks ago who wanted to do

00:17:34.820 some individual coaching. And I said, no, I'm, I'm not your guy. Like what you're looking for.

00:17:40.320 I don't think you need personal coaching from me. You don't, you don't need that from me.

00:17:43.720 I mean, he would have paid me. I could have told him that I could have solved all his problems, but

00:17:48.140 I don't, I don't need to sell. I don't want to sell. I don't want to convince people. And I

00:17:52.540 certainly don't want to offer things that aren't going to be in people's best interest.

00:17:56.280 Yeah. Because it's not in your best interest in that same exact case, right? It's best for both

00:18:02.660 parties. Not be, not because, I mean, yes, you're correct. That it's not in my best interest to

00:18:08.120 have people who's, it's not in their best interest. That's not why I do it. That just happens to be

00:18:14.280 the case. Yeah, totally. All right. John La Russa, my triangle choke sucks. Quick tips. I've,

00:18:24.820 my triangle choke is non-existent. So I can't answer that question. I mean, I, I know when,

00:18:30.260 I know when people get me in it and, and I just kind of flail around and try not to try not to

00:18:38.060 get strangled, but I can't give any pointers here. You're not working it. Well, yeah, but I, of course,

00:18:44.920 you know, I'm always constantly trying to work on it, constantly trying to improve when people get

00:18:48.980 me in a move or a hold or a submission attempt. Um, I'm evaluating, okay, what, what is it that

00:18:55.160 they're doing to me? If I move this way, what's that going to do? The other day, uh, I had, he's

00:19:01.220 a Brown belt and he was on my back and he had one arm around my neck, but I had my hand in there 0.73

00:19:08.500 between, between his arm and my neck. So I was, I was well defended and I felt fairly comfortable just

00:19:14.220 because I've been in that position quite a bit now that like, he's not going to, he's not going to

00:19:18.660 choke me out this way. Yeah. So I just maintained and try to move and work a little bit. And he put his

00:19:24.560 other hand in front and he put it really close. And I was like, so tempted to grab it. So tempted,

00:19:30.720 so tempted. I'm like, man, I'm not going to grab that arm. And the time expired and we, we stopped

00:19:36.120 and he just laughed. He's like, man, you didn't go for that bait. And I'm like, yeah, because if I

00:19:41.980 did, I would have let go of your arm. He's like, I was, that's what I was hoping you would do.

00:19:45.700 So I didn't, I felt good about that. So I'm consciously trying to decide, okay, what is this

00:19:50.900 individual doing? Like that's, if I see something that's too easy, I'm like, no, red flag. What's,

00:19:57.980 what's going on here? So you have, you have some pointers, I'm sure. Yeah. So on the triangle choke,

00:20:04.840 just to, for the non jujitsu guys, the triangle choke is using your legs and they call it a triangle

00:20:11.180 choke. Cause it kind of creates a triangle with your legs. And what you're doing is your, 0.83

00:20:15.940 your, your thigh is actually cutting off blood flow to one side of the neck and the person's arm

00:20:23.140 is engaged with the head, right? So imagine if someone's older, right? Like, yeah. Imagine like

00:20:29.140 your head and your arm is, is being by script by someone's legs. And I'm trying, I'm leaving out

00:20:35.740 tons of detail here, but, but regardless, what's happening is your, your legs choking one artery

00:20:40.620 and then their shoulder is being smashed into their neck. And that's, what's getting the other

00:20:45.260 choke. So depending on your body type, some guys with really long legs sometimes struggle with a

00:20:51.380 triangle choke cause there's a lot of space in there. And so what I would try to do is focus on

00:20:57.200 trying to finish the choke without using your hands and without using your head. And, and the key thing

00:21:02.700 is your head or their head, their head. Don't use your hands to pull their head down. You should be

00:21:08.160 able to get that choke without doing that. And I can't do that actually. Not at all. No, no,

00:21:14.960 because I have such short legs. It's difficult for me to wrap my leg around their head and arm

00:21:20.780 without either grabbing my own leg or foot or their head to pull them in closer.

00:21:26.200 Yeah. Yeah. And which is still very normal. Guys will do that a lot and control the one,

00:21:30.320 uh, ankle, right. To tighten it up and get things tight. But what I would focus on is collapsing the

00:21:37.080 triangle. So if you actually just do the movement and then collapse and try to bring your knees

00:21:43.040 together and make sure that you're looking down the guy's ear. So you're not facing them. You're

00:21:49.980 actually off to the side of them and you're looking into the ear and you're collapsing your knees

00:21:54.320 together. That's where you're looking at the, and you're looking at their ear with, with the side

00:22:01.220 that does not have the shoulder on it. Correct. Correct. And just focus on squeezing your knees

00:22:06.800 together. Also, another thing to keep in mind is, is you might want to bridge, make sure to bring that

00:22:13.620 arm all the way across, make sure it's deep. But the key thing is about bringing those knees

00:22:17.720 together. You can actually finish that choke even without the triangle, the legs being locked together

00:22:23.560 just by bringing those knees together. So I really focus on that more than anything else.

00:22:28.740 One thing, uh, those are good tips. One thing I would say for what it's worth,

00:22:32.860 take it with a grain of salt and you can correct it here, Kip, if I'm wrong too,

00:22:37.440 is when I was training last week, uh, I was in close guard and then I went to open guard

00:22:43.360 and I wanted to try this, this triangle. So I went to a spider guard and I slipped my right foot behind

00:22:51.940 the guy's head and slipped my left foot from the spider guard under his right arm. And I went for that 0.90

00:22:59.340 triangle and the thing that I missed, and this might be a pointer because I recognized it is I

00:23:03.940 didn't have a good grip of his right arm that I was trapping and I didn't pull it up towards me.

00:23:11.640 So he was able to back out of it really, really quickly. Yeah. So, so when you slip your, your legs,

00:23:18.680 you've got to, and you were talking about that, pull them in deep, right? With, with their sleeve

00:23:23.360 or however you have their arm, pull them in deep while you're slipping your legs into that triangle. 0.68

00:23:28.160 Yeah. And maybe said another way is just control their posture. If you break their posture, often

00:23:34.620 we'll throw that triangle together, but we don't control their posture and they'll just posture

00:23:39.140 up and break out of it really quick. Right. So the more you can control their posture and break their

00:23:43.940 posture down, you can take your time and keep it locked in user arms and everything else without,

00:23:49.620 without being concerned about losing that triangle choke. How do you avoid getting stacked up on a

00:23:55.440 triangle? Like if you're going for a triangle, how do you avoid getting stacked up? Is that going off

00:23:59.080 to the side and looking into their ear? Okay. Exactly. Exactly. If you stay off to that side,

00:24:03.660 you're, you're going to, you're going to prevent the stack. The other thing to keep in mind too,

00:24:07.040 from an MMA perspective, guys will look to elevate and slam. That's why when you go off to the side,

00:24:13.320 that usually makes one of those legs available. So you can underhook one of the legs with your arm

00:24:18.780 and that prevents them from lifting you and you can eventually possibly get a sweep out of it and

00:24:24.680 then finish the triangle choke from on top. Yeah. Which I have been choked out from in a triangle

00:24:31.080 from mount as in I'm mounted and the guy slid up and put me in a triangle when he was in my mount or

00:24:38.720 he was mounted on me, I guess I should say. Yeah. So yeah. Extra humiliating to totally try and

00:24:44.460 completely, completely. Cause you're like, you're like flailing around and there's nothing you can

00:24:49.420 do. And his balls are in your face and it's like teabag in your face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What, uh, 0.70

00:24:56.860 so in jujitsu, can I lift somebody up and slam them on the ground? Depends on the tournament,

00:25:02.240 right? So this past weekend was ADCC. If you guys want to see like some of the most amazing

00:25:08.180 no-gi jujitsu on the world, get the replays of ADCC. It just amazing. Just amazing. I saw some

00:25:16.140 on Instagram this morning. Yeah. Uh, elevated slams are completely allowed right in that tournament. 0.91

00:25:21.900 If you look at IBJGF rule set, you can't do elevated slams. You can do judo throws. You can't

00:25:27.740 like ask a throw, but in this case I couldn't pick somebody up out of a triangle position,

00:25:33.220 just body slamming with the ground. Yeah. I've even gotten in trouble in tournaments where

00:25:38.120 the guy was in my guard and I kind of postured up and they came up off the ground and I

00:25:42.880 pushed them down just from off my knees and I got more knees for that. Yeah. So

00:25:47.760 they're really careful about kind of slamming people cause they don't want people getting

00:25:51.920 knocked out and whatever. Yeah. Sensitive. I know I'm just joking. I I'm grateful for that stuff,

00:25:57.700 man. If you think about going like absolute no weight limit against a big guy, that's possible

00:26:04.820 wrestler. I'm like, Oh, please don't high elevated slams, you know, like, cause you get hurt real

00:26:10.200 easily. So for sure. All right. Josh Hatcher. I just had a good friend commit suicide in front of

00:26:17.320 his wife and his daughter. I'm making a point to reach out to all my friends that might be struggling

00:26:21.960 with thoughts like that. What would you say if a friend was thinking about offing himself

00:26:26.560 for clarification? I'm not thinking about it myself. I typically can't even fathom the idea,

00:26:32.600 which is why I asked so that maybe I can get in some better ideas on how to help others.

00:26:39.060 I don't know, man. I'm, I'm not real qualified to talk about this. It is hard for me to,

00:26:43.840 to think that somebody would be in that position. I imagine there's a time where you probably ought to

00:26:50.000 bring it up very directly. And I also imagine there's probably a time where you shouldn't

00:26:55.940 bring it up directly that you should just be a friend. You know, if it's you Kip, and I noticed

00:27:00.500 you going down a dark path or I'm, you know, I've had, I'm having this feeling about you and where

00:27:04.740 you're at, man, I just might call you up and say, Hey, do you want to go train? You want to go lift?

00:27:09.980 Hey, I'm, you know, I'm going to go shoot. I'm going to do maybe shooting is not the right thing,

00:27:13.460 but you know what I'm saying? Like I'm going to go out and, and, and Hey, we're, I'm going out with

00:27:18.420 the guys. We're going golfing. We're going hunting, whatever, whatever the thing is,

00:27:23.220 Hey, we're having a, maybe you have to put together a guy's night and, and it's, you know,

00:27:28.160 UFC fight night. And we've done this, you and I have done this before. And you know,

00:27:33.020 we get a group of us together and we don't talk about suicide and depression. And we just

00:27:37.260 watch the fights and we jack jaw and we give each other a hard time and we have fun and we eat some

00:27:42.480 good food and we just watch the fights, you know? So look, this is a problem. It really is. And it's,

00:27:49.120 it's hard for me to be empathetic towards this problem of suicide because I've never been there.

00:27:54.120 I've been in some dark times, but never once have I seriously given any thought to, to leaving this

00:28:02.440 world. So it's hard for me to understand, but I know it's real. I know it's legitimate. I know

00:28:08.620 there's mental health issues. I know it's easy for men to fall into depression at times and feel

00:28:14.400 alone and in a dark place. And the best thing I think you can do is to make sure these individuals

00:28:19.920 are not alone, make sure they feel welcomed and part of the group and make sure that they know that

00:28:28.680 they have your support and your friendship. And sometimes that means you just going out and

00:28:33.900 grabbing a burger or a beer. And other times it means you need to have a real serious conversation

00:28:40.220 about what's going on and what's happening. Yeah. This actually goes back Kip to one of the

00:28:45.980 things that we talked about earlier too, is, uh, we, we talked about earning the right to give

00:28:51.120 feedback and criticism. Yeah. If, if you're reaching out to a stranger, the likelihood that you will have

00:28:58.900 an impact is going to be significantly diminished. But Kip, if I reach out to you or you reach out to me

00:29:05.540 because one of us are going through a dark time, we've done a lot of work. I mean, we've known each

00:29:10.440 other for years. And so if you reached out with something that was concerning you, or I reached out

00:29:15.840 about something that was concerning me, there's so much more weight behind you reaching out to me

00:29:21.360 as opposed to a stranger. So the point that I'm making here for Josh is if you've got guys in your

00:29:27.800 circle, include them always in your circle and the things that you're doing so that if something ever

00:29:34.500 goes down or if, Hey, if you ever need some help that there's people who have your back, they're in

00:29:40.120 your corner, they know you, they're familiar with you. They've built up a lot of, uh, emotional and

00:29:44.920 human and connection capital, if you will. And I just think it'll have more weight when you do it that

00:29:50.360 way. Yeah. You, we talk about the idea of the power of a lighthouse and sharing yourself with people

00:29:58.480 and me personally, there's, there's been a couple of times and this is tough by the way, like I, and

00:30:04.100 I, this isn't even advice. This is just my take on this a little bit, but sometimes you want to be a

00:30:12.140 hard ass with them, you know, Hey, get out of your funk and you know, maybe be tough love because you

00:30:19.000 think that might, that might be what they need, but you can totally look at that scenario and say, well,

00:30:23.760 that could completely backfire. Right. And maybe that's not what they need. And maybe they need

00:30:28.420 someone to be sensitive or whatever. But one thing I am for sure about that, if I know someone that's

00:30:33.980 kind of down and out a little bit and I actually go out and we rub shoulders with each other, we spend

00:30:39.320 some time together. And if I do, if I want to have that kind of conversation that I actually share

00:30:44.520 something that I'm struggling with with them, that's powerful because they can't argue with it.

00:30:50.420 It's not an attack on them, but you're opening up, you're making that conversation possible

00:30:55.480 and you're presenting something that they can consider for themselves. Yeah. So I just think

00:31:01.780 that's really, really powerful, especially for some of the guys that, that I've had communications

00:31:06.840 with that are on the depression side here and other guys talk about what they did to help with

00:31:12.600 their depression was really powerful. And so maybe just you sharing might be exactly what is needed as

00:31:18.320 well. Yeah. That's a, that's a great perspective for sure. All right. John Wesley Terry, besides Jesus,

00:31:25.760 who was one man that you think really encompasses your view on being a man? He's making a huge

00:31:32.240 assumption there, but I'm just, yeah, not my home, your home. You're the one that said it. That's why I'm

00:31:40.680 not home. Um, yeah, I mean, he's right in that assumption for sure. Uh, I, I would say two men

00:31:49.720 that, that I really, uh, admire based on what I've read. It's hard because all men have flaws. And so

00:31:56.360 it's easy to say, well, did you know this about this guy? If you say something. Yeah. Like if they're

00:32:00.400 historical figures, right. Yeah. You know, but I look at, at men like Theodore Roosevelt, uh,

00:32:07.620 George Washington, even, even, even modern times, I look at an individual like Jocko Willink as

00:32:15.140 somebody I really admire and respect for, for who he is and what he stands for, how he shows up.

00:32:21.560 Uh, so yeah, I mean, these are, these are men, you know, they have flaws and they have areas where

00:32:27.160 they fall short, but on the whole and what I know about these individuals, they espouse the virtues

00:32:35.420 that I in my own life want to espouse and want to strive for and be like, so there's, there's three

00:32:43.440 examples for you. Yeah. And look, here's the other thing too. This is, this is a weird, a weird

00:32:52.040 scenario, but it'll make sense when I wrap this all up. When I was in, it must've been fifth or sixth

00:32:59.560 grade. I remember seeing this girl and it's going to sound really bad seeing this girl and she was,

00:33:08.700 I don't know, in some sort of assembly or something at school. And I saw her and I'm like, man, she is

00:33:15.220 really ugly. Like I remember thinking that you're right. This does sound bad. It sounds bad. I know,

00:33:21.000 but bear with me on this. Cause I, that's what my thought was, is like, man, she is really ugly. 0.74

00:33:27.580 And I didn't say anything about it. I didn't do anything. That was my thought. And I remember

00:33:33.140 vividly. So sixth grade, I must've been what? 11 years old. So that's 27 years ago. I remember

00:33:42.600 vividly in the next breath thinking, right? How dare you say that? You know, how, how dare you say

00:33:50.840 that? And, and instead I listened to her and I can't remember if she was giving a talk or maybe

00:33:55.900 some sort of a talent show or something. And I just remember whatever it was she did. I was so

00:34:02.700 impressed with what she did and I was in sixth grade. Yeah. And it was a lesson for me that you

00:34:10.800 just really ought to be careful about speaking negatively and ill of people. And the reason I bring

00:34:17.760 this up is because I, I adopted at that age in my life that there's, there's good in all people.

00:34:25.040 There's bad in all people. There's, and there's things that you can look at and everybody that,

00:34:32.200 that will help you. You know, I look at the situation with my dad, it would be easy for me to

00:34:39.340 be bitter and have resentment and animosity. I don't at all. I think my dad was, was a good human

00:34:48.140 being. I think he made some, some mistakes. I think if I were to ask him that, that he would agree to

00:34:55.280 that. I've made mistakes certainly in our relationship. Um, but there was a lot of good in

00:35:02.000 him too. He was a hard worker. Uh, people loved him, man. They loved him. He worked at paint stores and

00:35:09.140 he was so meticulous about his job. He could take, somebody could bring in, uh, like a, like a piece

00:35:15.840 of wallpaper, for example, and he would look at the color and he could match it just identically match

00:35:21.880 it just by looking at it. Yeah. He was so meticulous about that and his customers absolutely

00:35:27.740 loved him. And he's so good at that. And there's a lot of good in him. Very, very talented, very

00:35:32.400 creative, uh, could draw so well. And the point I'm making here, I'm going to try to wrap this up,

00:35:38.820 but the point I'm making here is that we don't need to look for the superhero, right? Superheroes

00:35:44.480 don't exist. All men have flaws. All men have problems. We all have a negative attributes. We

00:35:52.720 all have a tendency and a, and a propensity for violence and less virtuous activity, but we also

00:36:00.280 all have a lot of good. So I'm not saying you need to be blind to the bad, but if you just spend a

00:36:06.660 little time thinking about what you can extract from people, you can find positive role models

00:36:12.480 and positive examples in every single human being that you meet every, I don't care who it is,

00:36:16.900 every single human being that you meet. And I choose to look at it like that because I learned

00:36:22.300 that lesson in sixth grade that you don't need to rush to the negative so quickly. And, and you

00:36:28.060 probably ought to look for what's good and you might just find it. Yeah. You've answered similar

00:36:33.340 questions in the past and I've always been impressed with this response. I've heard this

00:36:37.500 response before. It's like, I, I look to guys in the iron council. I look to my friendships. I look to

00:36:44.560 my wife's dad. I, you, you find the good and the great example and you, and you look for evidence of

00:36:52.500 how to become a better man through multiple facets, right? Not just George Washington or,

00:36:58.300 you know, particular individuals. And man, I, I totally agree. And it's funny because I never

00:37:02.800 thought, thought of it that way. And I've used to have that complaint when people, when I think

00:37:08.860 about this question, even when I was a little kid and people would say, Oh, who's your hero or

00:37:12.460 whatever. I was constantly like, uh, no one, like, I don't know the person. And I always struggled with

00:37:18.720 the whole Jesus thing. Cause I was like, well, yeah, but like, I'm not going to quit my job and go

00:37:23.220 around and start preaching gospel. So that's hard for me to relate to him, you know? And so,

00:37:27.180 yeah, but, but we can relate to a lot of different people in different ways. And I've always appreciated

00:37:31.480 that, that viewpoint that you've always had. So. Yeah. I mean, I've got two, two great neighbors

00:37:37.400 and most people wouldn't know them, wouldn't think anything of them. They're very unassuming,

00:37:43.860 but they're men, you know, the one, one down the road, he, he raises his family. Uh, he,

00:37:51.560 it's obvious that he loves his family, that his kids love him. He's engaged with them. He's one

00:37:58.040 of the hardest working men that I've ever seen. I mean, he's got energy for days. I don't know how

00:38:03.780 he does it, but it's absolutely incredible. He volunteers on the, uh, the, the, the fire force

00:38:09.740 here, the fire department here. I mean, he's just, he's amazing, you know? And, but, but he's also

00:38:16.040 average in a lot of ways too. And I don't say that negatively. I say that he's like you and me,

00:38:20.040 but he's amazing. And then I've got another neighbor right across the street here. He's

00:38:24.920 become more like grandpa than he has a neighbor. And I went in there, I went over there a couple

00:38:30.860 of months ago. Cause I had to put a post office box in there or excuse me, a mailbox in there.

00:38:36.200 And, and I, and I brought my mailbox over and I had a shovel and he's like, Hey man, you know,

00:38:41.200 what are you doing with that shovel? And I said, well, I'm going to dig a hole so I can put this

00:38:44.440 mailbox in here. He's like, I remember he's like, no neighbor of mine is going to dig a hole with a

00:38:50.520 shovel when I have a perfectly good backhoe right here. And he brought it out and he dug a hole and

00:38:56.060 he helped me level it and get it straight. And while I was, you know, filling the hole, he had,

00:39:00.960 he brought this toy out that was his, his, his sons or his grandsons. And he fixed it. So my three

00:39:06.860 year old could write around on it while we were working on this. There's examples, endless,

00:39:12.180 endless examples of what we would consider a quote unquote ordinary everyday average guys

00:39:17.060 who are man's men. And, and that's what we ought to strive to be like. It's a shame because we look

00:39:25.440 at, we look at athletes and we look at movie stars and we look at Instagram celebrities. And we think

00:39:31.040 we put these men on pedestals that frankly, they don't belong. Some people do it to me and they think

00:39:36.080 that I am the epitome of everything manly and virtuous. And I, you know, I'm not like I've,

00:39:42.180 fail all the time. I fall short all the time of the things that I want to accomplish.

00:39:46.420 So be careful of placing anybody on a pedestal and just look for the examples where they are

00:39:52.000 and just strive to be a better man than you were yesterday.

00:39:55.400 Yeah. I love that, man. I have a neighbor that's like my daughter's grandpa,

00:40:01.380 two houses down and they write him letter. Like the other day he came over and he had this whole bag

00:40:08.120 of love notes that my daughters have written him with the neighborhood girls.

00:40:13.800 Oh really?

00:40:14.740 Yeah. And they call him cookie, they call him cookie grandpa and he just comes over and he's,

00:40:19.260 he's like tearful, you know? And he's just like, I love those girls so much and they're so kind to me.

00:40:25.680 And so he wrote his own letter back to them. You know what I mean? He drops it off and it's just,

00:40:30.620 it's those things that are, God man, are so much more impactful, right? They don't have the glamour.

00:40:36.900 Um, but that's the shame. Yeah. And it's unfortunate. Yeah. It is because it's the guy who

00:40:44.040 works a few more hours because he needs to put food on his table or, you know, the man that stays up late

00:40:50.520 and helps his son with the math problems that he can't get or the guy who spends, you know,

00:40:56.860 all weekend at his dance, his daughter's dancer cheerleader recital and is miserable, but there

00:41:02.180 to support, you know, it's like, that's man, that's what it means. That's what it, that's all.

00:41:09.860 That's what it means. That's what it means to be a man. And it just doesn't get recognized and

00:41:15.940 rewarded enough. Yeah. All right. Brian Grogan, what, what one thing are you working on this

00:41:23.600 year to make your family more prepared for uncertain times? Uh, so this, so Brian's an iron

00:41:29.500 council. This, this comes off the back, I imagine of our, uh, topic in the iron council on being

00:41:37.140 prepared. Yeah. So, uh, what one thing food storage is really the biggest for us right now. We're

00:41:44.900 really, really working on getting our food storage where it needs to be and getting everything in

00:41:48.880 place and making sure that we have adequate food storage set aside. Cause we left and lost,

00:41:54.000 uh, I was going to say lost. We didn't lose it. We left a lot of it in Utah when we came out. We,

00:41:58.420 in fact, we gave it to a bunch of our friends cause we didn't want to bring it across the country.

00:42:02.260 So we gave it to our friends and hopefully they enjoy it. Um, and so we have to rebuild that up,

00:42:07.880 really spending a lot of time in the woods with my two oldest boys, um, on the property specifically,

00:42:13.160 and we're hunting turkeys right now. Uh, I think I'll see archery season for deer opens in

00:42:18.480 I think a day or two as of the release of this podcast. So we'll be doing that. Um,

00:42:24.680 but that's a big thing too, is learning how to hunt. We found, uh, in exploring, we found a game

00:42:29.260 trail that is, is evident. That's where they're spending most of their time and, and, and coming

00:42:33.380 through. So those are a couple of things that we're working on right now. That's cool.

00:42:37.820 Yeah, man. It's fun. I got a tip from my mom actually. So props to her for this. And it was

00:42:44.100 really because we're having some tremors, uh, here up in Northern Utah. It was earlier this year and

00:42:49.960 it's kind of causing everyone to think a little bit in regards to, you know, Oh, I, I misunderstood.

00:42:55.980 You said tremors. Is that right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, I just misunderstood. And, and so it,

00:43:01.240 it just got us thinking about, I have a brick home. And so if my home goes collapsing and the food

00:43:07.040 storage is downstairs in the basement, like this may be a difficult thing to get to, what if we need

00:43:11.620 to leave or exit? And so, um, I'll share my mom's advice to me is, uh, getting a large trash can on

00:43:19.880 the side of the house with the other trash cans. And it actually has a lock on it. And inside that

00:43:25.060 trash can is kind of our family's bug out, extra clothes, sleeping bags, food, water. It's on two

00:43:32.400 wheels. So worst case scenario, I can drag that sucker around. Of course, it's going to be in the heat,

00:43:36.840 all summer long. So I can't put anything in there. That's going to be perishable.

00:43:41.100 Sure. But, but it's a great idea and it just sits on the side of the house and we keep it locked. And

00:43:45.560 so I actually got that trash can. We haven't filled it up yet. And so we're going to get the kids to

00:43:49.820 grab a pair of clothes that, that fits currently and that, um, they don't want, and we're going to

00:43:55.980 start kind of packing that up and prepping that. So perfect. I love it. Great idea. All right.

00:44:01.540 Teddy Stubblefield. After following your page and listening to the podcast, I've wondered,

00:44:06.800 do you ever intend to try traditional archery? I've shot bows on and off all my life and bow

00:44:12.020 hunting on and on, uh, on and off for 10 to 12 years. I've always found satisfaction in shooting

00:44:17.640 long bows and recurves, but felt more confident in hunting with a compound. And he actually has

00:44:23.220 another question about, have you ever, uh, considered venturing outside of the world of,

00:44:28.400 uh, BJJ?

00:44:31.320 So somebody asked me this on Instagram yesterday and my, my simple answer right now is no. I say

00:44:37.560 right now because that may change. I'm, I'm open to checking these things out. The reason I say no

00:44:41.720 right now is because I'm learning to get better at saying no. So comp compound bow is significantly

00:44:48.800 easier. It's more precise. It's easier to learn. I think, um, there's a lot more to it. It's,

00:44:53.900 it's more complex in a lot of ways, but it's more accurate. You can dial it in,

00:44:57.440 you make longer shots, like just, just the way it is. Uh, so people have asked me about a

00:45:04.100 traditional bow. I mean, maybe, but right now I don't have, no, I'm going to say it this way.

00:45:08.920 Not that I don't have, I am not going to take the time and invest the resources into learning

00:45:14.920 another thing. Same thing with jujitsu. You know, I could, I could take up boxing or

00:45:18.400 Muay Thai or MMA or whatever, something else, but I'm just not going to right now because I'm not

00:45:25.240 going to spend the resource and the capital in learning a new skill at this stage in my life.

00:45:30.900 Are the interests there for you though? Oh, totally. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I, I love

00:45:36.140 trying new things. I love exploring and expanding and pushing beyond my current capabilities. Uh, but

00:45:41.200 right now I, I feel like I really want to get better at jujitsu and I want to get better at archery

00:45:46.360 with a compound bow. And so those are my emphasis and those are my focuses. And I'm just not willing

00:45:51.820 to invest time in other places at this stage of my life. All right. Mike Anderson, as a paramedic,

00:45:58.780 I utilize Jocko Willings, prioritize and execute, detach yourself, stop, look around and make a decision.

00:46:04.940 How can I most effectively utilize these practices in my personal life?

00:46:11.300 Um, well, I just, just do it. Like I don't, I don't. Yeah. Maybe he's looking for an example

00:46:18.600 of where those are applicable in personal in people's personal lives. Maybe the thing that

00:46:22.580 works best for me, I'll tell you is I tend to get, well, we've talked quite a bit about impatience. Um,

00:46:28.840 I tend to find myself when I'm impatient, getting emotional and letting like anger, frustration vent

00:46:36.440 out with particularly my family. I don't want to do that. So I've learned to detach. I've learned

00:46:44.800 to disengage from the situation by being aware of what's happening. This is why the after action review

00:46:50.800 is so critical because if you're going throughout your day and you realize, man, I really exploded

00:46:55.420 with my son today and I didn't want to do that. And I handled that incorrectly in evaluating your

00:46:59.660 day. Then you can start asking yourself, why did that happen? What led to those events? How are you

00:47:04.140 going to make sure you fix this and not do this moving forward? And, and then you start to realize

00:47:09.020 that in, in my particular case that, oh, well, the reason I got upset with him is because I didn't

00:47:14.920 give myself enough time or space or margin for this next activity. And I was down with something at

00:47:21.520 work and that spilled over here. And, and the best way for me to overcome that now is to disengage,

00:47:27.760 disengage for a minute. If I feel myself welling up and getting frustrated or allowing my emotions to

00:47:33.880 boil over when they shouldn't, uh, then I disengage as politely and respectfully as I can. I can't talk

00:47:40.540 about this right now. I can't do this right now. I am going to come back to it. Give me some time and

00:47:44.680 some space. I detach, physically detached from the environment because I can feel myself heating up.

00:47:50.680 I can probably look in the mirror and see myself getting red. Um, but I, but I disengage and then

00:47:56.980 I get back into the thing. Same thing probably happens at work. Same thing happens with, you know,

00:48:02.540 my, my wife at times and kids. And this after action review is a critical, critical component of

00:48:07.720 my day because I realized where I'm falling short and what I can do to, to get better. The other thing I

00:48:13.440 would say, and this actually ties into what we were talking about earlier with trying a longbow and

00:48:18.180 different forms of martial arts. Somebody had posted on, uh, on Instagram again, about, about me trying

00:48:26.900 new things. And then he said, how do you, how do you juggle everything that you have going on? Like,

00:48:32.460 I feel like I have so many plates in the air and how do I juggle all of it? I said, stop juggling so

00:48:37.800 many plates. Yeah. Who told you, you have to juggle everything. Put, put a few plates down that

00:48:44.600 aren't important or aren't relevant and just juggle the ones that are important and relevant to you

00:48:49.860 based on your goals and objectives. And that's, that leads into what we're talking about here is

00:48:55.660 detach yourself from, from the obligation that you feel like you have to do everything. And so much,

00:49:03.740 this is part of the great conversation I had with Ryan holiday earlier in the week or yesterday,

00:49:07.860 I guess as, as of the release of this podcast, uh, he wrote a book called stillness is the key

00:49:12.440 and great episode, by the way. Yeah. I mean, it was a powerful, powerful conversation with him and

00:49:17.780 he talked about why we need to learn to be more still. And we live in a society that prides itself

00:49:24.260 on being busy and consumed and entertained and never quiet, never alone, never without anything

00:49:31.860 to do. And so is it really any wonder why we're so upset and why we're so on edge and why we're always

00:49:38.200 so stressed out because we haven't learned to detach ourselves. So I would say that's,

00:49:44.960 that's the path that I've taken as far as how do you learn to detach you, you do it,

00:49:50.380 you exercise those principles, you put the cell phone down, you remove yourself from the environment

00:49:55.420 that's making you frustrated. You evaluate constantly about what's working and what isn't,

00:49:59.540 and then come up with courses of action to improve yourself.

00:50:01.900 Yeah. I think, I think the opportunities to utilize those for Mike are, are everywhere.

00:50:08.240 Everything from, uh, projects at the house, uh, prioritizing what you need to work on to, uh,

00:50:15.420 tough conversations where your egos may be in the, get in the way of, like for me, when I think of

00:50:19.780 detached, that's usually what the detachment is doing is if I'm upset at my kid, it's because I've

00:50:25.760 added meaning to it, right? Negative meaning. I'm mad because of how it reflects to me,

00:50:31.780 or something else. And we talked about this, I think Ryan last week about the value of no

00:50:36.780 circumstances to be able to sit back and say, what does that child need for me? Not what I need or

00:50:44.300 addressing my concerns or anything else. And to do that, you have to detach yourself from the

00:50:48.920 situation and say, okay, this isn't about me. What does Ian need in this conversation? What do I need

00:50:55.120 to implement to help him and, and remove yourself from the equation? Yeah. And to stop and look

00:51:01.720 around, man, that's, that's my number one problem at work, to be honest with you. It's the, I have

00:51:07.640 a tendency to get into the projects and be getting in the weeds. And, and lately I've been actually

00:51:12.720 considering like, man, I need to stop more, look around, prioritize, look at what's going on with

00:51:18.360 my team, make sure I'm supporting them and that they have the guidance and direction that they need.

00:51:22.580 I can't do that for my family. I can't do that for my team. If my head is in the trenches

00:51:27.440 and I'm just busy, busy getting work, I can't lead and guide from that position. And so that

00:51:34.240 opportunity shows up all the time. And the analogy we use last week was hiking, right? Is if you don't

00:51:38.920 look up and look at the horizon and realize that you're not going West and you're just have your

00:51:43.940 head down looking at the trail, you're going to get off target and you need to stop, look up and,

00:51:49.840 and, and determine and orient yourself of where you're at currently from a bigger picture of things.

00:51:54.780 So, yep. Yep. I like it. The other thing, uh, I would suggest here is Cal Newport. I've done a

00:52:01.300 couple of podcasts with him. He has some great work on what he calls deep work. Cal doesn't even

00:52:06.260 have social media accounts because he knows how much, how much time that takes and how consuming

00:52:12.420 it is. So he, so read deep work by Cal Newport, listen to the podcast. The other thing that I wrote

00:52:18.260 down here is notes. Uh, when you were talking about, uh, attaching meaning to it, here's a great

00:52:23.240 example. Have you ever woken up after a long night's rest and you had a dream about your wife

00:52:30.960 doing something that you didn't like? Uh, for example, maybe, maybe in your dream, your wife

00:52:36.700 cheated on you and you woke up and you were pissed at her for the entire day or longer. She didn't even 1.00

00:52:44.500 do anything. It's you projecting what you think maybe she did without ever, ever having any real

00:52:51.420 context to it. And then it ruins your day and it has nothing to do with her at all.

00:52:57.220 Yeah. This is, this is a great example of the meaning that we give to things and then how it

00:53:01.760 affects us. There's a, a, uh, there's a misconception about emotions in men. And I think there's on the

00:53:08.740 spectrum, there's two schools of thought. One school of thought is this, I think it's more of a new

00:53:14.380 aged feel good kind of notion that we are to be in, in tune with our emotions and be vulnerable at all

00:53:21.540 times and express who we are and all of our faults and all of that stuff. Right? Yeah. No, I don't,

00:53:26.860 I don't entirely believe that. I'll talk about that in a minute. The other side of it is that we're

00:53:32.040 supposed to show no emotions, never be emotional, completely detached from everything and everybody

00:53:37.400 and, and just be this robot. Okay. Well, it's probably somewhere in the middle, right? Look guys,

00:53:46.480 emotions aren't bad. If they were bad, then you wouldn't have evolved to have emotional responses

00:53:57.260 to outside circumstances. You wouldn't have nature would have done away with that millions and millions

00:54:03.720 of years ago if it didn't serve you in some way. So the idea is not to suppress your emotion.

00:54:09.980 The idea is to understand your emotion. If you're angry about something, figure out why you're angry

00:54:17.700 and if it's justified and start coming up with reasons or ways to solve the problem. So we'll go

00:54:24.960 to the dream thing. If you're angry because your wife cheated on you in a dream, why don't you go talk

00:54:30.140 with your wife and work through it and everything will be fine? You won't be angry anymore, right?

00:54:34.560 If you're upset with your child because your child did or did not do X, Y, and Z, maybe being angry is

00:54:41.580 actually warranted. Yeah. Maybe you should be angry. Now, the way you express the anger or the frustration

00:54:50.280 or the, uh, the disappointment is something that you need to reconsider, but there are no negative

00:54:58.600 emotions. There are no negative emotions. All of them are simply there to serve you, to teach you,

00:55:05.520 to guide you and instruct you on the correct path, uh, moving forward away from that negative response

00:55:12.660 that you're having. Yeah. So that's the idea of stoicism. A lot of people think, Oh, stoicism is

00:55:18.600 about suppressing emotions. No, it isn't. It's about understanding your emotions and then doing

00:55:26.780 what is within your control, your response to the emotion so that you can make your life better.

00:55:33.000 Yeah. All right. Let's take a couple more. All right. When's the followup to sovereignty dropping?

00:55:40.980 Oh, Chad, Chad Hulsley. Sorry. I don't know, Chad. Um, I'm writing the manuscript for the next book. I'm

00:55:48.120 not going to disclose too much right now because I've got some multiple different directions and

00:55:52.980 I'm kind of at a crossroads here on which way I want to go. I don't particularly enjoy the writing

00:55:58.500 process. So that makes it more difficult. Uh, so I don't know. I don't know, but thank you for the

00:56:06.940 question and the vote of confidence. I do appreciate that. Yeah. Kyle Shields. Have you ever experienced

00:56:11.940 tension or jealousy between you and another less secure man? How can you diffuse that tension?

00:56:18.220 Thanks guys. Tension or Oh, I don't care. Like if let's just Kip, if you're, if you're jealous of

00:56:27.960 me or whatever, I am, well, I don't care. Let's address this. Cool. That's your problem. Not mine.

00:56:34.860 Like, well, what do you want me to do about it? Like, do you want me to, do you want me to perform

00:56:40.780 less so that you feel more comfortable or you're not as jealous of me? Like, or, or blow smoke up?

00:56:47.940 You know what I mean? To get, make me feel better. It's not my job to make you feel good about who you

00:56:52.060 are and yourself and all that you have and everything else. I don't, I don't care. I can't,

00:56:58.120 I can't imagine, I can't envision a point or a relationship where I would be my obligation

00:57:04.140 for you not to feel more secure with yourself. How's this though? I would say, let me back up.

00:57:10.460 I would say with my kids, like my son, my oldest son, for example, he's got, he's got some confidence

00:57:16.960 issues. He's more timid. Um, he's, he's more insecure in a lot of ways. He's, he's worried about

00:57:24.760 his weight at times. And it's my job to help coach him through that so that he can be strong

00:57:30.340 and independent and, and place his own thoughts about himself as a priority over what other people

00:57:36.460 think of him. Yeah. But outside of that sort of relationship, it's not my job to make you feel good

00:57:43.320 about yourself. Yeah. Here's a little detail, right? In the question he says, the last portion

00:57:50.160 of his question is how can you diffuse that tension? Maybe perhaps Kyle, that you have tension,

00:57:56.660 right? With the fact that this quote unquote, less secure man is jealous of you and that bothers you

00:58:03.480 that you can address. Now you can't change him and you can't make him more secure, but you can still

00:58:09.840 take ownership with the, with the quote unquote tension that you might have towards him and how you're

00:58:14.960 making him wrong about, I don't know, being jealous and whatever. And so you can, you can address that

00:58:20.980 internal dialogue that you have and make sure that you're clear from your perspective. But when it,

00:58:26.100 when it comes to addressing his issue, the other guy's issue, obviously, um, I don't think there's

00:58:31.080 much you can do there. And not, it's not even your obligation or place to do it. Let's flip this one

00:58:37.100 on its head a little bit. Maybe he's not jealous. Maybe he just disagrees with you. Yeah. Right. So

00:58:43.960 this, this is actually pretty common at work. Guys will say, well, I have this subordinate and he's

00:58:50.720 not doing what he should. And he disagrees with me and he thinks I should do this and that, or I have

00:58:55.060 this, uh, level leader, somebody on the same path as I am, or even a boss who, who doesn't agree with

00:59:00.300 me and thinks I'm doing it wrong. And he just saying that cause he's jealous of where I am.

00:59:04.740 Yeah. Maybe he's saying that because you are wrong and maybe it has nothing to do with jealousy at

00:59:12.120 all. Maybe you're just saying that. So you feel okay with you being wrong or don't have to face

00:59:19.740 the fact that maybe you're not looking at this correctly. Be careful of telling, of assuming

00:59:25.440 that other people feel a certain way. I mean, how many times have we done this with our, with our

00:59:29.640 wife, for example, right? Or has she done it with us? My wife will say, what's wrong? I'm like,

00:59:34.640 why are you angry at me? Yeah. She's like, well, why, why are you being so quiet? Nothing to say.

00:59:40.960 Well, I mean, surely there's something wrong. No, there really isn't. Well, how was your day?

00:59:47.020 Fine. Well, can you elaborate? No, it was just fine. Like there wasn't anything more to talk about.

00:59:53.960 And so human beings have this tendency of trying to explain everything. Oh, oh, well,

00:59:59.600 Kip didn't talk to me this one way. Maybe he doesn't like me anymore. And maybe

01:00:02.780 we call them cognitive distortions. Humans have the great ability to jump to the worst possible

01:00:09.540 scenario. It's a defense mechanism. So we have situations that come up and we think the absolute

01:00:15.060 worst, it's catastrophic. The apocalypse, the world is ending. And really when we break it down,

01:00:21.720 it just happens to be that, you know, Kip, you had a, you had a bad day. So you weren't interested in

01:00:26.780 talking or, you know, you had something else you were dealing with, or it could have been

01:00:30.540 any number of things that has less to do with ourselves than it does with the other individual.

01:00:35.340 So be careful about assuming that you know how another person is feeling or thinking,

01:00:41.380 because you probably don't. And it probably has very little to do with you actually.

01:00:47.280 Yeah. And if there's tension, if you feel the tension, then you might have tension on your side

01:00:51.040 that you need to address in some way. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Last question,

01:00:55.140 if that's okay. Yeah, let's do it. All right. Justin Fleshman, what do you think is the root

01:00:59.480 cause of suicide in the air force alone? We've had 83 this year. I know it's an issue on the outside

01:01:05.520 as well, but we as society can't seem to get a grip on this. It's a lack of meaning and responsibility

01:01:11.620 outside of mental illness. I think that's the issue. And I, and I think it has less to do with

01:01:19.840 PTSD in military members and more to do with the fact that these individuals have lost their sense

01:01:26.920 of purpose and direction because you're in the military. You have, you have purpose, you have

01:01:31.280 direction. You're, you're fighting for what you believe. And we're not going to get into the

01:01:36.000 discussion whether it is or isn't, but you're fighting for what you believe is the greatest

01:01:39.680 cause that mankind has ever known. Freedom, liberty, democracy for all people.

01:01:46.100 That's what you believe. Yeah. And all of a sudden you're not there anymore because you retired,

01:01:55.580 you were medically discharged. Uh, you left the services for whatever reason. There's a million

01:02:01.320 reasons, but now you don't have that anymore. And you wrap yourself up in this identity of being a

01:02:06.680 soldier or, uh, a sailor or, uh, whatever, right? A Marine, whatever. And, and now that's stripped

01:02:15.360 away from you. So you have no more sense of meaning, purpose, and responsibility. So you wake

01:02:21.800 up each day without any clue of what you're going to do, no purpose or meaning to attach yourself to

01:02:27.580 no identity because all that's been stripped away from you. I mean, is it really a surprise that you're

01:02:34.040 depressed and anxious and potentially even suicidal? I don't think it is. So what is the solution then

01:02:39.860 find meaning and responsibility and purpose in your life? Find your next mission. If there are military

01:02:48.100 members who are listening to this first responders fall into this trap, I believe as well, who are

01:02:52.440 listening to this right now, if you have any intention, whether it's right now or in the next 20

01:02:58.140 years, retiring or getting out of military or your first responder services and obligations and duties,

01:03:03.460 then it's your responsibility right now to begin to identify and look for what your next mission is.

01:03:11.040 Those military members who get out and have purpose and direction and a mission outside of the military

01:03:16.100 from my experience, and this is just anecdotal, I'm sure there are studies that can back this up as

01:03:21.660 well, but anecdotally seem to be doing better, are more fulfilled, more positive, and less likely to

01:03:28.760 kill themselves. So the leading cause from my perspective is a lack of meaning, purpose,

01:03:35.700 and ultimately significance. It's gone, stripped away from them.

01:03:39.620 And real quick, I think it's really easy for us to identify those other areas outside of the military

01:03:44.800 that this same thing applies to. It's the high school athlete that built an identity about being

01:03:50.420 the star athlete, and then high school is over and they're stuck in college, and he's not that anymore.

01:03:55.220 He's just a mediocre college student. It's the guy that loses his job and wrapped his identity around

01:04:03.060 his job, and now he's not the executive anymore. In fact, he doesn't even have a job. So now his

01:04:09.700 identity is lost, and he's lost, quote unquote, his purpose. There are so many examples of this where

01:04:15.680 we wrap who we are tied into our jobs, tied into our hobbies, tied into something, and when that

01:04:22.520 gets taken from us in some unique way, we've lost our sense of purpose, and a little bit of like,

01:04:29.020 I think, perceived value. That people love me because I was this, or I was this star, and that's

01:04:37.220 why people enjoyed. And if you take that away from me, now I'm just mediocre, and they may not

01:04:42.180 appreciate me, may not care, or respect me the same way that they once did.

01:04:46.620 Yep. Yep. Absolutely. All right, man. Well, let's wrap this up.

01:04:52.960 Yeah. Sounds good. So guys, once again, we fill these questions from the Facebook group

01:04:57.820 to join us there to submit your questions to the AMA podcast, as well as just being part of

01:05:03.740 that online community and having discussions. In fact, there was a few discussions just this past

01:05:08.980 week that were kind of really solid. Although sometimes I'm a little hesitant, like maybe I was a

01:05:15.140 little too harsh on that guy, like some guy lost his job and he was like, you know, upset that his

01:05:19.880 wife wasn't supportive and whatnot. And so, but it's a great conversation. And there's an opportunity

01:05:26.320 for you to have communication with other like-minded men, but there's also an opportunity for you to

01:05:32.240 serve other men and have those discussions and rub shoulders with them. To learn more about that

01:05:38.240 Facebook group, go to facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And of course, to join us in our

01:05:43.460 exclusive brotherhood, the iron council, you can do so by going to order of man.com slash iron

01:05:49.260 council. We have a few events, uh, to kind of keep you guys aware of for the first event is May 29th

01:05:55.460 through the 31st. That is the order of man main event to learn more about it. Go to order of man.com

01:06:00.860 slash main events. Originally we sold out and we didn't have any more spots. Mr. Mickler was kind

01:06:06.900 enough, uh, to work with Gatch go and, and figure out how my infinite mercy. Yeah. He's opened up more

01:06:13.620 spots. Yeah. So we opened up like literally as of like just a couple of days ago, 20 spots. And now

01:06:19.460 there's only probably 10 to 15 left. So, uh, those are just going to go as just as quick as the other

01:06:25.180 ones. And that's once again, that's May 29th through the 31st for iron council members. There's a dinner on

01:06:30.920 the night of the 28th order of man.com slash main event. And then the second event was our legacy

01:06:37.420 event. Uh, this is, uh, geez, I don't even know what you call this. The ultimate experience for

01:06:43.880 father and son, uh, for boys between the ages of eight to 15. And, uh, that's June 11th through the

01:06:52.120 14th. That's also in Maine to learn more about the legacy. And there's, we've had two different

01:06:57.380 legacy events in the past. You can even jump onto our YouTube channel and probably search and find

01:07:02.040 those event videos and kind of get an insight of, of what those events consist of. But, um,

01:07:08.660 those are life changing events. Uh, even from our perspective, just being a spectator, uh, and a

01:07:14.360 participant was, um, profound and it's a, it's an amazing event. So if you're interested to go,

01:07:21.680 even if it's not your son, don't let that hold you back. We had a couple of guys in the last legacy

01:07:26.540 event that I think one guy brought two is a, two of his nephews, uh, to the event with him. And so

01:07:32.300 you do have some options. It doesn't have to necessarily be your biological son, but that's

01:07:36.620 ages eight through 15 though. Yep. All right. To support the podcast guys, you can do a handful

01:07:41.960 of ways. Let's jump through these. Now let's, let's skip that stuff. We gave them enough

01:07:45.440 announcements. We gave them all to do. All right. Order a man, main event, order a man legacy

01:07:50.340 and our YouTube channel. We appreciate all the support guys. You know where to find us on social

01:07:55.380 media. They can track us down. Okay. Kip, I appreciate you brother. Um, guys, I appreciate

01:07:59.540 you as well. Thanks for the great questions. Hopefully this was a great discussion and gave

01:08:02.980 you some things to think about and consider. Uh, we will be back of course, next week for

01:08:07.980 another ask me thing, but until then go out there, take action and become the man you are

01:08:12.640 meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge

01:08:17.140 of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

01:08:21.460 of man.com.

Order of Man - October 02, 2019

Doing Deep Work, Why Men Should Never Chase, and the Meaning of Emotions ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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