Order of Man - Ending a Toxic Relationship, Helping a Daughter with Self-Image Issues, and Creating Financial Sovereignty ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:04.860 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.100 You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is

00:00:16.540 who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.040 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler. I'm the

00:00:27.240 founder of the Order of Man podcast movement. Welcome here today and welcome back. This is

00:00:32.980 your Ask Me Anything. I'm going to be fielding questions from our exclusive brotherhood, the

00:00:37.760 Iron Council, and I'm also going to be fielding some questions from our Facebook group, which

00:00:42.420 you can find at facebook.com slash groups slash Order of Man. Now, normally I have my good friend

00:00:48.500 and co-host Kip Sorensen here with me. He's out traveling. I was on a hunt last week, so we're

00:00:55.020 hit or miss whether we do this together or not, but we've always had good people to fill in like

00:00:59.320 Sean and other people, and sometimes we just have to fly solo. So we adapt and we adjust, which is

00:01:04.860 one of the principles, I believe, of masculinity, our ability to adapt to situations and circumstances

00:01:10.200 as they arise and make the most of those circumstances. Before I get into it, guys, just

00:01:15.740 want to mention, you can see I've got some new swag on today. I've got the brand new Order of Man

00:01:19.420 hoodies on, and I also have our brand new Order of Man hat. You can check these both out if you want

00:01:24.900 to support what we're doing and look good in the meantime at store.orderofman.com. This thing is

00:01:30.340 so comfortable. I wasn't sure how comfortable it was going to be, but I've got this on starting to

00:01:35.340 cool off a little bit here in Southern Utah. Not much, but a little, and so I figured I'd throw this

00:01:39.920 on and show it off. We have green, black, and then the desert color like you see here. So check it out,

00:01:45.320 store.orderofman.com. All right, guys, let me get into some questions here today, and we'll try to

00:01:51.440 get all of these answered for you, and hopefully we give you some good insight and perspective

00:01:54.600 into the way that we see things anyways, and hopefully it helps you improve in your life.

00:01:59.340 This first one comes from Chase Kimball. He says, what would the conversation look like

00:02:03.840 to let go of someone you love and had planned a life with that is not supporting and fostering your

00:02:09.380 growth? In fact, doing the exact opposite and tearing you down with guilt, shame, and consistent

00:02:14.800 gaslighting. Well, look, I don't know the details of your circumstance, but what I would say first

00:02:21.000 and foremost is you bring this up in a polite and respectful way so that you can give, I'm assuming

00:02:28.520 it's a potential significant other, you can give her the opportunity to grow with you because you

00:02:34.240 don't want to just kick somebody to the curb, especially if you're planning on having a life with

00:02:37.680 them, planning on a future with them, planning on growing with them. You wouldn't want to just kick

00:02:42.780 that person to the curb. And so I would bring these types of conversations up in a polite and

00:02:48.120 respectful way and let her know what you need from her in order to feel good and comfortable with

00:02:53.560 you moving forward in the relationship. That's not always an easy conversation, but that's a

00:02:59.940 conversation that needs to be had. I would do that multiple times. I would do that as often as it took

00:03:05.280 if this is somebody I loved, but there might come a point in time and maybe you're here right now,

00:03:09.480 Chase. I don't know. I can't make that decision for you. Only you can do that. If you don't see

00:03:13.760 their growth or they're tearing you down with guilt and shame and constant gaslighting, that's a form of

00:03:20.020 emotional and potentially even verbal abuse. And that isn't something that you as a man or anybody

00:03:25.080 should tolerate from anyone else. So you begin to get a little bit more straightforward in what you

00:03:31.040 need and how you will be treated and how you won't be treated. And when she treats you that way,

00:03:36.240 you say, Hey, I will not allow you to talk to me like that. I will not allow you to put me down

00:03:40.920 like that. So I'm going to disengage from this conversation. If you want to have another

00:03:45.060 conversation where we're talking about things rationally and with respect towards one another,

00:03:50.600 I'd love to revisit, but I'm not going to do this. So you start creating these boundaries and

00:03:54.740 upholding these boundaries. And if it still isn't happening at that point, maybe it is time to

00:04:00.560 cut the cord. The one thing I would say, be very careful of is not engaging in behaviors and

00:04:06.620 activities that are going to bind you closer together. For example, having a child or commingling

00:04:12.620 your finances. If you're thinking about leaving and have one foot out the door, don't do things that

00:04:19.380 are going to hold you tighter together, hoping it's that a child or commingling of your money,

00:04:24.840 that's going to help solve the problem. It's not. In fact, it's only going to exacerbate it.

00:04:29.740 So that's important. Other than that, it might just be time to say, Hey, look, we've talked about

00:04:35.780 this for months or years now. And I bring these issues up when they come up. I ask you specifically

00:04:42.380 what needs to be done. I ask you not to treat me the way that you're treating me. And at this stage,

00:04:46.860 I'm not willing to invest any more time into this relationship. So we're going to be parting ways.

00:04:53.280 I wish there was an easy way to do this. There's not an easy way, but if you have the conversations

00:04:57.980 up front and you're honest about what you need and what your boundaries are, then this conversation

00:05:03.800 won't take anybody by surprise. It'll just be the inevitable outcome of the progression of your

00:05:10.300 discussions. So I hope that serves you. Good luck with that. Please, you're in the iron council,

00:05:15.420 rely on your brothers, work with them, talk with them. They'll have other good advice for you.

00:05:19.880 And that is the power of brotherhood. But I hope I gave you some things to consider, Chase.

00:05:23.700 Let us know how that turns out. Very difficult to do. In fact, it looks like here in the replies that

00:05:29.180 another brother in the iron council is going to be connecting with you. So you guys hopefully have

00:05:35.200 talked by now. This one comes from either Karen or Karan Gill. I'm sorry, I slaughtered your name

00:05:42.340 there. I just wanted to make sure I got that right. He says, how do you know when you need to stand by

00:05:46.300 your commitment in a relationship? And when you need to realize it's toxic and no longer serving

00:05:50.780 you or them? So similar question. I feel very entangled in my relationship. When things are

00:05:56.320 good, I love her and want to be with our shared vision for the future. And when things aren't so

00:06:01.640 good because of past resentments, covert contracts, emotional manipulation, explicitly unstable conditions,

00:06:08.100 et cetera, it makes me feel like I really shouldn't be in it anymore. She doesn't want to change or

00:06:14.760 address the issues with the professional and she's okay with the pace things are at. And I'm really

00:06:19.000 not anymore. I'm stuck on how to handle it moving forward aside from just continually working on

00:06:23.520 myself. Well, of course, continue to work on yourself, build your skillset, engage in a hobby,

00:06:30.360 find friends, deal with your finances, get in shape, all the things that we've talked about for

00:06:35.020 almost nine years now. Of course, continue to do those things. Outside of that, I feel like I

00:06:40.780 answered this. I can't tell you if there's so much that you can handle. And at this point,

00:06:45.980 it's time for you to leave. I don't know what that is. And I don't know what you're

00:06:49.240 willing to tolerate or deal with or put up with. I don't know what you already have invested in the

00:06:53.860 relationship. So all I can say is continue to have these conversations, just like I mentioned with

00:06:58.880 Chase and progress the conversation if it doesn't improve. So if you have a very mild, easy

00:07:06.820 discussion with your significant other and nothing improves, then you escalate it, escalate it,

00:07:12.980 escalate it, escalate it. And then at some point, yeah, it's time to pull the trigger.

00:07:16.420 I wish I could tell you that there's a certain time, but I think you really have to look at how

00:07:20.160 much time and investment you're putting into it, how much you're willing to commit, how much you've

00:07:24.640 already committed. Not that I would say that some level of huge commitment is binding you and

00:07:31.860 obligating you to stay in an unhealthy relationship forever. But if there's kids in the equation,

00:07:37.520 again, commingling of finances, there's a lot of considerations here that I couldn't just tell

00:07:41.800 you on this date, if she does it this many times, you're out. Just continue to progress the

00:07:46.820 conversation forward if it's not happening and be very, very clear about what you want,

00:07:50.880 what you need, and what you're willing to tolerate and what you won't tolerate.

00:07:55.000 All right. I hope that helps. Daryl Hahn, he says, you guys probably don't struggle with this,

00:08:01.080 but why is it so difficult to just pull the trigger and do quote unquote, the thing,

00:08:05.000 whatever it is, work, workout, et cetera. Well, I struggle with it. I think I can't speak for

00:08:11.200 Kip, but maybe I will say to a degree, I'm sure he struggles with it as well. I think this is

00:08:17.140 something that all men deal with. We have an idea or a vision or a goal or a new behavior or a new 0.99

00:08:23.900 activity, a new hobby, a new thought process. And when the rubber meets the road is when it's really

00:08:30.240 hard to do it, it's actually very easy to think about doing it. It's very easy to read about doing

00:08:37.000 it. It's easy to talk about doing it, but it's significantly harder because the risk elevates

00:08:44.800 when you actually go do the thing. There's a fear of failure. There's a fear of what other people will

00:08:50.080 think of you. There's you drawing on past failures and experiences that you've had and wondering if this

00:08:56.200 is going to be similar. And then there's just the hardship of doing the work. Again, reading about

00:09:01.660 it or thinking about it or talking about it is not hard. There's no investment in that. A little time

00:09:06.380 maybe, but nothing outside of that. In fact, all of that is exciting. But when you do a new workout

00:09:13.420 program, for example, you actually have to get up an hour early and go to the gym. That's harder than

00:09:19.340 talking about it. Or that's harder than sitting on the couch while you're watching the game,

00:09:23.520 researching what kind of workout program you should do. So the amount of effort required

00:09:30.480 is what makes it challenging in addition to the fear that an individual might have

00:09:35.020 of being a failure. So when you're committing to doing things, you need to fully commit or not commit

00:09:42.520 at all. Because I think that's a big problem a lot of guys have is they just flippantly agree to

00:09:47.620 everything and commit to whatever comes up. I had a discussion with a friend and she was

00:09:53.280 asking if I would run the marathon next year. And I thought long and hard about that before I said

00:09:59.180 yes. Because I knew if I said yes, then that's something that I'm committing to doing, which

00:10:04.060 means I need to train. I need to run. I need to actually do the marathon next year. There's a lot

00:10:10.040 of commitment that goes with that. A year or two years ago, I might've just said, sure, I'll do it

00:10:14.320 with no real thought process as to whether or not I wanted to do it or not, or evaluating the amount

00:10:20.560 of effort that it would take to do it. So before we start committing to doing things, let's really

00:10:25.860 evaluate the time, the resources, the risk, the energy required to complete the objective. And if

00:10:33.080 we're not willing to invest in that, it's okay. But we need to be honest about it. Because if we do say

00:10:38.820 yes to a marathon, or to starting a business, or to go on a trip with a friend, or to start a business

00:10:44.720 with them, or to commit to a new workout program, then that yes means yes. And that means you're in.

00:10:51.240 So before you say you're in, commit fully and acknowledge what it's going to take to complete

00:10:57.180 the objective. Also, I would say find good people. Find people around you who can help you, who can inspire

00:11:03.620 you, who can motivate you to stay on task, because you will want to deviate. This is from Jerry Sedell.

00:11:12.340 He says, I'm new here. So I don't know if you've already talked about this. Have you ever considered

00:11:16.540 drinking ayahuasca, mushrooms, or other ancient medicine to improve issues in your life? No, I

00:11:23.360 really haven't. I know a lot of people talk about that. I'm skeptical, quite honestly, I'm actually going

00:11:28.980 to pull up a resource for you. I'm just going to Google order of men psychedelics, because I had a

00:11:37.620 podcast not too long ago with his name is Matt Zeman. But let me tell you when it was, it looks

00:11:44.220 like it was in July of this year. And the podcast is a beginner's guide to psychedelics. Matt has some

00:11:51.160 really good information about psychedelics, how you can use psychedelics for your improvement,

00:11:58.660 and what to expect, the pros and cons, side effects, all that sort of thing. So if you go back and you

00:12:03.540 listen to that podcast, that might give you some really good resources into visiting these things.

00:12:09.320 I'm a skeptic with ayahuasca and mushrooms. In the past, I've said, if you want to get high,

00:12:15.080 just get high. You don't need a self-development or self-improvement reason to do so. I'm not sure

00:12:19.940 that's entirely accurate or why people would do these things. And I'm not saying they're even

00:12:24.100 bad or wrong. I just don't know enough about them. And it's not something that I've explored

00:12:29.120 with any level of seriousness, other than having Matt on the podcast to talk with him about it.

00:12:34.000 So can't really give you any information on that one. This one comes from Marcus Segura. He's one of

00:12:38.840 our battle team leaders, one of our newest battle team leaders in the Iron Council. He says this,

00:12:43.580 we've talked about contentment, finding fulfillment, and constantly working on quote unquote more to pursue a

00:12:49.600 life of value and meaning. This week during our pastor sermon, he explained, expanded on this

00:12:55.100 scripture, quote, I know what it is to be in need. And I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned

00:13:01.380 the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether

00:13:06.820 living in plenty or in want, I can do all of this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4,

00:13:13.400 12 through 13. What is your take on the context of contentment and gratitude? I've recently done

00:13:20.280 some podcasts on the balance. In fact, I should pull these up as well. I don't normally research

00:13:27.320 for these episodes because I want it to come across as two guys sitting together at the bar,

00:13:37.960 at the game, just having a conversation. And so now that I have other podcasts that might

00:13:43.080 address some of these things, I'm wondering if maybe I should spend a little time doing that.

00:13:48.020 But there is a podcast that I did where I talk about striking the balance between

00:13:52.180 gratitude or contentment and then ambition. And I can't remember the exact verbiage that I used.

00:13:58.640 You guys can go back and check that out. But this is a question that gets brought up all the time.

00:14:02.880 And usually when this question gets brought up, people are talking about ambition or gratitude,

00:14:08.720 like they're at odds with each other. You can either be content or you can be ambitious,

00:14:13.340 but you can't be both. But that isn't true. You can be both. You can be ambitious. You can have

00:14:19.440 desires. You can have dreams and hopes and goals that you want to accomplish. And you can also be

00:14:24.380 very content because you're grateful for what you have. It's just a matter of practicing those things.

00:14:29.220 So are you practicing gratitude? For example, if I'm looking around today, I'm grateful for

00:14:34.760 the climate, the weather that we're in. I'm grateful for the technology that I have to be

00:14:39.620 able to present this to you. I'm grateful for the supply chain where I can create these products,

00:14:45.540 whether it's my hat or my hoodie or shirts or battle planners so that I can put together products and

00:14:51.480 services and resources that are going to be valuable and improve your life. I'm grateful for

00:14:56.720 the creature comforts of modern living. And simultaneously, I want to continue to grow

00:15:02.580 the movement. I want to help more people. I want to take all the resources that I've been blessed with

00:15:07.900 through our maker, our creator and leverage. I almost said exploit, but that has a negative

00:15:13.700 connotation, but it is in a way that, but leverage the gifts and blessings that I have so that I can serve

00:15:21.720 other people more effectively. And those two thoughts, they don't contradict each other.

00:15:26.840 In fact, they're very complimentary. If I'm grateful for what I have, then I'm more likely

00:15:31.960 to utilize it and implement more of it in my life for the betterment of my environment,

00:15:36.980 for my culture, for my people and everybody around me. So I think if we can find ways to be content,

00:15:44.180 as the scripture in Philippians says, being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed

00:15:49.080 or hungry, whether living in plenty or want, I think that's a powerful place to be, that place of

00:15:53.740 gratitude and contentment, but that doesn't negate our desire to improve, our desire to get better,

00:16:00.980 our desire to grow. And so let's stop holding these two themes or factors at odds with each other.

00:16:08.620 Like they're sitting on opposite sides of a scale. They're not. They're complimentary if we choose to

00:16:14.400 look at it that way. Aiden Carrillo, he says, how can I be financially sovereign as a student?

00:16:22.920 I'm a full-time student and I have some money set aside for my studies, but not working during the

00:16:28.400 semester is unsustainable for all of my four years of college. I'm in a situation where I can't get a

00:16:34.200 job this semester, but it is possible next semester. What should I do now in order to work

00:16:38.820 towards being financially sovereign? Yeah, this is a bit of a dilemma because there are times and

00:16:43.680 situations, we call them seasons in life, where you can't do everything that you want to do.

00:16:48.180 You can't make money right now because you're investing in your education. And the goal,

00:16:52.780 the idea is that that investment in your education will pay dividends down the road. And it likely will

00:16:57.720 because you're thinking about it that way, but it's hindering you from hitting all that you want to

00:17:02.620 hit, which is to maybe pay off debt or not to get into any additional debt. And so how do you deal

00:17:07.900 with that? Well, number one, you recognize that it is in fact a season that is, it isn't going to be

00:17:12.980 this way forever. This is not your status quo. And the fact that you're uncomfortable with it

00:17:17.420 is a good thing because it says that when you're in a position to get a job and work and do all

00:17:22.660 these things, that that's actually what you're going to do. So I would suggest to you that you're

00:17:27.220 in the right mindset, but I would also say that there's things that you can do with regards to your

00:17:31.340 finances that are going to help you build healthy habits. And maybe you're not in the best

00:17:35.320 financial position right now because you are a full-time student, but you can budget, right?

00:17:40.220 You do have some money, whether that's a scholarship or money set aside or a grant, there is some money

00:17:46.920 somewhere. And so you can learn to budget. You can learn to be frugal. You can learn to say no.

00:17:53.660 Maybe there's even an opportunity to put just a little bit of money aside in the stock market or

00:17:58.340 something like that and start to learn and research how the stock market works. In fact,

00:18:03.980 you don't even need money to do that. You can read up on the stock market. You can learn about

00:18:07.920 how it works. You can read great books from real estate moguls and entrepreneurs that have grown

00:18:13.620 multi-seven-figure businesses. This is the time for learning so you can do the same thing with

00:18:19.020 regards to your finances, even though you're not in the position right now. And all that does is that

00:18:24.600 when you are in the position to improve your financial situation, you're going to be that much out

00:18:29.700 further ahead than everybody else because you know, you have information, you have resources.

00:18:35.180 Clearly you value education and you're paying for education right now. So get educated, read up,

00:18:41.940 get smart about it so that when you're in a different position and you will be, of course,

00:18:46.580 then you'll be able to make the good moves moving forward. Most people just wait. They won't do

00:18:51.280 anything. I can't really deal with that right now because I'm going to school. So I'll deal with it

00:18:54.920 later. No, deal with it now. Start to address it now and figure out ways to grow and deal with your

00:19:02.920 money situation now so that when you're in a better spot, you'll know what to do. All right,

00:19:06.860 guys. So those are the questions from our Brotherhood, the Iron Council. Let's jump over

00:19:10.940 to Facebook real quick. Looks like we have five or six over here. So I'll try to get to all these as

00:19:15.200 well. This first one comes from Joshua Trott. He says, with the nation and state of the world in

00:19:21.760 shambles, how can we begin to make a difference? As the moral fabric is being ripped apart,

00:19:27.480 where do we start? Well, here's what I would say is sometimes when we're talking about making a

00:19:33.040 difference, we're wondering how we can impact the most amount of people possible, how we can make

00:19:40.560 our dent in the universe. And that's great. It's noble. It's ambitious. It's righteous. But I would

00:19:46.720 say to you that as a single man, one man, there's a lot that you can do with your kids, with your

00:19:52.540 spouse, with your friends, your colleagues, your coworkers, everybody that you come in contact with,

00:19:58.000 neighbors. If you could impact one other person, then that one other man is going to go out and do

00:20:03.080 the same. And the person he impacts is going to go out and do the same and the same and the same and

00:20:07.080 the same. So people look at a movement like this. They think, well, Ryan, you're helping hundreds of

00:20:10.620 thousands of people. Yes. But it all started with me just having conversations, me trying to

00:20:18.340 influence my children, me trying to influence my family and my neighborhood and my community and

00:20:22.040 my employees and people that I work with. If I can do that and 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 million other people

00:20:29.620 could do the same, that's how we make a difference. So don't underestimate the value you bring to the

00:20:34.400 table just because you happen to be serving one person. If you're coaching your kids' basketball

00:20:39.320 team like I'm doing with my youngest son this year, that's eight, nine, 10 kids that are going to be

00:20:45.000 around me that are going to be impacted by the work that I do with them. There are some kids now who

00:20:50.040 are upperclassmen in high school that I coached when they were six, seven, eight years old. And it's

00:20:55.980 pretty cool to see how far they've come. Now, I can't take credit for everything that they've done

00:20:59.520 over their lives. They go on spiritual missions and they're getting married and having kids and

00:21:05.660 getting into careers and finishing up college. It's wild to see these kids graduate out of high

00:21:11.460 school and become men. And I like to think that I had a small part to play in their development.

00:21:17.760 So if everybody's doing this, not just me as their coach, but next year's coach and their school

00:21:23.040 teacher and their friends and their uncles and their brothers and their dad are doing this,

00:21:28.740 then they're going to be fed with all of this incredible, virtuous, righteous masculinity.

00:21:33.140 And it's going to be pouring into them so much so that it's going to just manifest itself in the

00:21:38.380 way that they show up. So get involved, get active. A lot of people will come to me and they'll say,

00:21:44.120 Hey, Ryan, here's this issue I think is important. You should talk about it. You should talk about it.

00:21:48.720 You should talk about it. Now, granted, I probably will because of the nature of my work,

00:21:53.480 but if you see some great injustice or some problem or some issue that needs to be resolved in society,

00:21:59.960 then you should talk about it. We have amazing platforms of social media. Our reach is broader

00:22:05.420 and wider than it's ever been. And if you have an opportunity to talk about these issues with

00:22:10.080 people, then you should certainly take advantage of that. That's how we make a difference. You doing

00:22:15.420 the work with the people that are closest to you, that you have the most influence with, that's the

00:22:21.120 people in your household, and then expanding it from there and encouraging other people to do the

00:22:25.260 same. Let's go to Brandon Ballard. He says, what advice would you give for helping my daughter

00:22:31.860 who's struggling with self-image? She constantly tells me she doesn't feel like she belongs with

00:22:36.200 her friends, with our family. She also struggles to say anything kind about herself, constantly

00:22:41.140 calling herself dumb and wanting to give up when things get slightly difficult. I want to help her

00:22:46.040 build her up, but it feels like she's pulling away from me. We've brought in outside help in the form

00:22:50.640 of counseling and tutors, but I want to do more to help. Anything you can recommend for me to do.

00:22:59.400 Here's what I would suggest. I think as a father, as a man, it's our responsibility with our children

00:23:05.420 to introduce hardship in controlled environments. So if you generally look at the way that we as men

00:23:11.460 show up versus the way generally women show up, women are going to be more supportive, more empathetic, 0.99

00:23:16.820 more nurturing, just as a general rule of thumb. You can look at it in the classic example of teaching

00:23:22.480 a child to ride a bike. You get your daughter on the bike and you're holding her shoulder,

00:23:27.060 you're holding underneath the seat and you're kind of jogging her along the driveway. And one day you

00:23:30.860 decide to let go and she goes and she goes 10, 20, 30 yards by herself. And she's so proud. And she

00:23:36.340 looks over her shoulder. And when she does, she turns the handles, the handlebar and crashes.

00:23:40.900 Mom sees this. She's sitting in the doorway watching the enthusiasm and excitement. And she

00:23:49.120 sees little Susie fall and scrape her knees and her elbows. What does mom do? She runs over there, 1.00

00:23:55.320 picks her up, dusts her boo-boos off, literally kisses her wounds, tells her to come inside. Let's 0.94

00:24:03.320 rinse it off. Let's put a band-aid. And you got like a Paw Patrol band-aid on there. That's what mom does. 1.00

00:24:09.140 Is she wrong? Of course not. She's a nurturer. She's empathetic. She's being compassionate.

00:24:15.240 She's fulfilling her responsibility as the matriarch of the home. It's a beautiful thing.

00:24:20.500 Contrast that with what a man does. He sees the same thing. Little Susie looks over her shoulder,

00:24:26.100 turns the handlebars a little too fast, wipes out, scrape boo-boos, elbows, knees, et cetera,

00:24:31.340 et cetera. Dad runs over there. He says, hey, you're okay. Wipe yourself off. Get back up.

00:24:39.720 Maybe offers a hand, but certainly doesn't pick her up. Offers a hand. She gets back up and he says,

00:24:44.900 let's get you back on the bike and get going. Maybe dries away the tears. Is dad wrong? No,

00:24:51.360 of course not. He's fulfilling his duty and responsibility as the patriarch of the home.

00:24:57.280 Neither are wrong. So why do I share this with you? Well, I share it with you because Brandon,

00:25:01.380 as a man, it's your job to introduce hardship, meaningful, significant hardship. We're not talking

00:25:07.680 about just making things hard for the sake of being hard, but hardship in controlled environments

00:25:12.860 that don't put your children in danger, but there is an element of risk so that when they overcome

00:25:18.720 and they will, because you're there to help them and coach them, they're going to feel better about

00:25:24.300 themselves. In society too often, we believe that we should just feel good about ourselves simply

00:25:29.980 because we exist. And I think as I get older and I learn to afford myself some grace, there is some

00:25:38.260 value in that. Sure. That you are a son or daughter of God and that there's inherent value and worth in

00:25:44.180 who you are as a human being. But ultimately it's what we create and what we produce. And if you can go

00:25:49.780 out into the world and you can create and you can produce, then you're going to feel better about

00:25:53.100 yourself. And the same goes for your daughter. She's not going to have the same self-esteem issues if 0.51

00:25:58.560 she knows that she's been through physical hardship with martial arts and sports or working on a

00:26:03.620 particular project or, or building something or going on a camp out or, or completing a successful

00:26:08.920 hunt. The more that you can engage her in meaningful and significant ways and help her overcome and work

00:26:15.140 through the challenge, adversity and hardship of difficult things, the better she's going to feel

00:26:19.240 about herself. So the therapy, excellent. Mom's tender, loving heart and hand, excellent. And you as a

00:26:26.740 father with your own kind of love, encouraging her to do difficult things and standing beside her and

00:26:32.320 walking with her in that will help her overcome some of those self-esteem issues. I hope that helps.

00:26:37.920 Let's go to Jono Smith. He says, what book recommendations would you give for a new couple

00:26:42.340 to read together with the goal of strengthening the relationship foundation? My girlfriend and I have

00:26:47.400 been reading through relationship goals by Michael Todd and are looking to start another. Would love to hear

00:26:52.560 what you have to recommend? Thank you. Well, I think what I would probably recommend is the five love

00:27:00.380 languages. That's a great book and it'll help you understand how you communicate love to a significant

00:27:05.860 other and how you feel love. So the five love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation,

00:27:13.980 quality time, acts of service, and gift giving. And one or more of those is going to speak

00:27:20.240 more loudly as it relates to love than another. And one or more of those is going to speak more loudly

00:27:25.760 as it relates to love for your girlfriend. And if you can figure out what she is, what her love

00:27:31.480 language is, then you can realize that she's maybe not into gifts, but she's into quality time.

00:27:37.100 And so you could focus your time and attention on providing quality time with her.

00:27:41.220 If you're into gift giving personally, you like to receive gifts and that manifests itself as love.

00:27:46.320 Then you can explain that to her. If she's reading it with you, she'll know that, Hey,

00:27:49.480 Jonah likes gifts and she can, and I'm talking about big extravagant gifts. I'm talking about

00:27:54.760 little small, thoughtful gestures. It might be a note. It might be a new t-shirt that she thinks

00:28:02.100 you'd really like and appreciate. And you feel love that way. That's a powerful thing. When you

00:28:06.440 begin to speak the same language, imagine trying to have a discussion with somebody who doesn't speak

00:28:10.880 English and that's all you speak. Odds are, it's not going to be very successful. Sure. You might be 1.00

00:28:15.660 able to navigate some basic conversation and dialogue, but it's going to be pretty tough.

00:28:19.640 Same thing with relationships. If you don't understand each other's love language. So what

00:28:23.000 I would suggest is the five love languages, Gary Chapman, I believe don't quote me on that.

00:28:28.800 Let's see. This last one comes from Joey Makowski. He says studies show, show growing up in an abusive

00:28:34.100 and controlling and narcissistic mentally ill household has increased odds that you'll be like 0.89

00:28:39.100 that too. Yeah. I don't even think we need studies to, uh, to know that. I mean, anecdotally, 0.99

00:28:44.440 right. If you grew up around abusive and controlling narcissistic and mentally ill households, 0.71

00:28:48.220 odds are you're going to be like that too. I mean that, yeah, that makes sense. How can I make sure

00:28:53.320 I don't end up like that? What steps are books to take? Well, the biggest thing is that, look,

00:28:59.400 if we know that by being in proximity to mentally ill, abusive, controlling narcissistic relationships 0.63

00:29:06.460 would move us towards being like that, then the opposite can also be true. That being in loving

00:29:12.580 and supportive and empathetic and fostering, uh, sustaining type relationships are going to help

00:29:20.380 you be more like that. So the answer to the question is the question it's proximity.

00:29:27.360 If you're around negative, toxic, destructive people, you're probably going to be like that.

00:29:31.980 If you're around positive, uplifting, edifying people, you're probably going to be like that.

00:29:36.580 That's why groups like the iron council or other membership or mastermind programs that you might

00:29:41.360 belong to are important. That's why going to events with other people who are like you joining

00:29:46.240 chamber and rotary and toast masters and business network international. If you're an entrepreneur

00:29:52.300 locally would be valuable. Um, finding good friends who are doing good things, working out, training,

00:29:59.280 lifting, engaged in wholesome activities. The more that you can be around those people and the more

00:30:05.280 that you engage them, ask them thoughtful, poignant questions, share with them your feedback and

00:30:10.780 experience of life. The more likely it is that you're going to start acting like that. It's,

00:30:16.380 it's not miraculous and it's not through osmosis. Like we often say, it just is the power of

00:30:22.280 proximity. Ken Coleman wrote a great book. He's with the Ramsey team, uh, called the power of

00:30:27.640 proximity. And he talks about how important it is to be in the right place at the right time.

00:30:31.900 And that's on you. You can do that. If you invest a little time and energy, knowing that if you want

00:30:36.380 to be this kind of person, you need to be around those kinds of people. All right, guys, I think

00:30:42.100 we got through all of them on my own. Uh, Kip will be back next week. So we'll be doing this together.

00:30:47.260 It's a little bit more dynamic when Kip is here. Um, he brings an element that I don't. And I think

00:30:51.820 I bring an element that he don't, he doesn't. So, uh, together we're, we're, uh, we're pretty

00:30:56.020 dynamic. We're a dynamic duo. Uh, anyways, if you have additional questions, thoughts, considerations,

00:31:01.040 please join our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash order of men. Or if you're

00:31:05.620 interested in taking this a step further and having this brotherhood of accountability,

00:31:09.360 then check out the iron council. We're going to open it up in December. So next month you can do

00:31:14.820 that at order of man.com slash iron council. And also check out the store. New hoodies are available.

00:31:21.640 New hat is available store.orderofman.com. All right, guys, we will be back on Friday for our

00:31:27.500 Friday field notes, but until then go out there, take action and become a man. You are meant to be.

00:31:32.220 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:31:36.480 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - November 08, 2023

Ending a Toxic Relationship, Helping a Daughter with Self-Image Issues, and Creating Financial Sovereignty ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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