Order of Man - Establishing Boundaries, Physical Touch Between Men, and Overcoming Jealousy ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 We are not obligated to be in relationships where there's not some metric of reciprocity.

00:00:04.820 It doesn't mean that you're equally contributing. It means that what you're getting is valuable

00:00:10.080 the same way as what she is getting is valuable to her. And I'll tell you why this is important.

00:00:15.420 Because if you don't have a boundary of reciprocity, it only leads to resentment,

00:00:20.600 contention, bitterness, and animosity. Because you're doing everything and they're not doing

00:00:26.840 anything. So you better start identifying it. It's the boundary of reciprocity.

00:00:32.520 Kip, what's up, man? Good to see you this weekend. Did you have a good weekend?

00:00:36.060 I did.

00:00:36.980 This week, but did you have a good weekend?

00:00:38.620 Dude, small town Utah. I went to Monroe, went to the Hot Springs, hung out with Mr. Matt Jenkins

00:00:44.480 and his family. That was our mini adventure for January.

00:00:48.280 Excellent.

00:00:48.940 It was good.

00:00:50.580 They just commercialized the Hot Springs down here. There's some Hot Springs in Leverkin and

00:00:56.060 a company bought the property. It was on private property. It was privately owned. And then a

00:00:59.860 company bought it and they turned it into Zion River Hot Springs or something. And it's supposed

00:01:04.260 to be really cool. But I'm like, man, I used to, I remember hopping the fence and sneaking into the

00:01:09.900 Hot Springs when it was just the Hot Springs. And now it's got spas and jacuzzis. It's all

00:01:16.080 commercialized. I'm like, oh man, ruined that one.

00:01:19.200 Yeah. There's something to be said for the old days, right? Like even these Hot Springs

00:01:24.860 in Monroe, there's ones that are like man-built pools. It's just dirt. You just plop in there

00:01:33.440 and cook like a lobster and it's good times. There's something to be said for that. I miss

00:01:39.520 those days, man.

00:01:40.600 I think so too. There was a place just about 30 minutes south of me called Little Jamaica.

00:01:46.080 And it was a little, a little spring well pond type thing. And it was on somebody's private

00:01:51.560 property. So we had to, you know, sneak into there and like walk two miles to get to it.

00:01:55.980 And we always brought our girlfriends or whoever we were interested in at the time down there

00:02:00.560 and snuck in and then they blocked it all off. And I'm like, ah, this is not fun anymore.

00:02:05.380 Like just, it used to be way cooler, but you know, everybody says, every generation says that.

00:02:11.260 So there's a lot of good things, but also some things that I wish they'd bring back.

00:02:15.060 Yeah. I think it's, I think it's different because of social media. You and I, we know this

00:02:19.400 from being in rural Utah, that there are gems, hidden things that you would never know about

00:02:25.600 unless you lived in the town and someone happened to tell you about it. Like I know of some caves,

00:02:30.700 like for instance, out by Kanab that has a pond inside the cave.

00:02:35.280 Really? And I, yes. And it's crazy. It's this cave. And then all of a sudden there's this what

00:02:40.320 it's creepy as ever. Mark my word. It's on social media. People know about it. Why? Because someone

00:02:46.360 posted this amazing thing on their Instagram and now it's a tourist attraction. Yeah. And it's just

00:02:52.460 like, it just, I don't know. It's kind of sad that, that there's no hidden gems. It's all known

00:02:57.780 to everybody. And then it gets overran. I never really considered that. Yeah. I never considered that,

00:03:02.640 but it is interesting. I was talking with, I went to a charity event, uh, for, um, Apogee with,

00:03:09.560 um, or excuse me. Yeah. Apogee, uh, with Matt Boudreau. And I was sitting with boss rootin of all

00:03:15.900 people. And it was so cool. I mean, the guy's a killer and his wife, she was lovely. And we were

00:03:22.680 having a conversation and I can't remember, are they from Denmark or Finland? I can't remember,

00:03:28.520 but, uh, they were talking about, or might be Holland. I don't know. Anyways, um, nothing

00:03:37.540 exists outside of the U S we're, we're so ignorant as, as Americans. We don't know anything outside of 0.90

00:03:42.320 the U S but regardless, she was talking about how it used to be such a great place, but it's just

00:03:46.920 overrun with tourists now. And she can't do anything she used to do because there's so much tourism.

00:03:51.700 And on one hand I see it, I'm like, well, I'd like to go there. And then on the other hand,

00:03:55.300 as a local, it's like, yeah, I get what you're saying though. So it's a weird dynamic, but it is

00:04:00.300 what it is, man. But yeah, social media is so wonderful in so many ways, but it's really,

00:04:04.280 it's really hurt us in a lot of ways too. I think. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Did you

00:04:09.680 catch any of the fights? Hold on. I want to talk fights for a minute. Did you catch any of the

00:04:13.740 fights this weekend? I didn't watch the fights because I was, you know, doing the little vacation

00:04:18.440 with the family, but I, I did see the highlights from Gaethje and, and Oh man, Patty, Patty dude.

00:04:25.300 Dude, iron chin. It was, I saw a meme just the other day or this morning or something,

00:04:32.060 and it had Patty with a, literally a chin made of iron. And then it had Gaethje with his arms and

00:04:37.960 forearms and fists made of iron. And it's like, who wins this fight? Obviously we know who won,

00:04:41.720 but I was impressed. It's amazing that in Patty's situation that he could lose the fight,

00:04:47.780 but his stock will go up a hundred percent. His stock's going to go up. And I don't understand that

00:04:53.740 the, the vitriol and the hate online about like, Oh, he got his butt kicked and he's such a loser. 1.00

00:04:58.560 I'm like, what are you talking? He went, he went toe to toe for five rounds with arguably the most 0.99

00:05:04.900 violent man in the UFC today, maybe of all time. That might be a stretch, but it was incredible that

00:05:14.360 he stood in there. He went toe to toe with him. He took his licks. He got banged up. He got beat up.

00:05:20.140 He didn't get knocked out, went to the scorecard, man. I was super impressed with that.

00:05:24.920 Did it back down, kept fighting. Most people would crumble, crumble under that suffering.

00:05:32.700 And he kept fighting the entire time to your point, hats off to him. Like you respect a man

00:05:38.600 that fights like that. Never gave up. And Gaethje too. The oldest, what is he? The oldest,

00:05:43.960 uh, what, what, what weight do they, I don't know what weight they fight at, but the oldest,

00:05:48.340 I think they're Walter weights. Walter weights. Yeah. Yeah. The oldest in his division to win

00:05:54.080 the title. So hats off. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah. 37 years old, 37 or 38. Um, and then

00:06:01.640 I got watching on cause UFC is on paramount now. So I got watching some older fights in between

00:06:06.400 literally watching paint dry on my canoe, not pain. I'm not painting it. So just know that,

00:06:12.560 but varnish dry. Um, and I was watching the 2010s, I think. And there was a ton of fights from George

00:06:21.640 St. Pierre, which I didn't really watch much in there, but he is unbelievable. Dude, unbelievable.

00:06:27.860 And then, you know who, this is going to be blasphemous for a lot of guys right now. And then

00:06:32.400 we'll get to questions. Yeah. I don't even know if I dare say this. I'm going to get roast on this.

00:06:39.060 Dude, Chuck Liddell is so boring to watch fight. Yeah. He is so boring. Like, Hey,

00:06:47.040 he's got his Hail Mary. Right. Hail Mary. Right. He's got, he's got just incredible power and he just

00:06:53.800 needs one. He's, he ranks right up there with a Derek Lewis to me. That guy is so boring to watch.

00:06:59.460 And look, I'm not being a critic as far as his fighting capacity. I'm being a critic as far as

00:07:05.080 his entertainment capacity. Those guys just do not know how to entertain except for if they get one

00:07:11.900 good heavy hit on a well-known guy and drop them. So Derek Lewis lost Chuck Liddell. I was like,

00:07:17.440 you have to watch like 20 minutes of boredom for five seconds of excitement. But I think the UFC

00:07:23.440 has changed a lot too. And I wonder how they're going to, um, I actually wonder how they're going to

00:07:29.300 evolve with our limited attention span. You know, like you think about with baseball, it's like,

00:07:35.140 do they bring the fences in to make more home runs with like, do they change the rule? I almost think

00:07:40.520 if you see fighters that aren't engaged, it's like, Hey, you lose a point. Like we're, we're taking a

00:07:45.440 point. I actually wish they were a little bit more liberal with taking points away from people.

00:07:50.720 Even with Patty, he got poked in the eye hard twice and he didn't get a point deducted or

00:07:57.460 Gates. You didn't get a point deducted. I'm like, you not think that's going to affect the fight.

00:08:01.640 There needs to be consequences for violating the rules. If you don't have a consequence,

00:08:07.160 there's no reason not to do that. Yeah, it's totally well. And this is why the, the matchmaking

00:08:12.880 is so critical. You don't think UFC is adjusting matchmaking based upon level of excitement,

00:08:18.740 not just merit. Of course they are. Of course they are. My fear is that they've oversaturated.

00:08:24.500 There's so many fight cards all the time. Like back in the day, it wasn't long ago, five years

00:08:30.220 ago where it was like fight night. It was a legit thing. We have fight night. Let's watch this

00:08:37.260 because they only happen every so often. And now it's like fight night every weekend. And now it's

00:08:42.740 like, and there's so many fighters that it's even hard to follow and know everybody as like you once

00:08:48.800 used to, I don't know. A part of me feels like it's even a little, they've oversaturated themselves

00:08:53.420 and there's not, it's not as special as it used to be, but we'll see. Podcast GSP. Oh man. I love

00:09:01.760 GSP, man. I know he's, I know he's a favorite of yours, but man, anyways. All right. Everybody

00:09:07.940 that's bored now that didn't want to hear about the UFC. We got that out of the way. Hopefully you

00:09:11.920 fast forwarded if you weren't interested in our commentary, but let's get to some real questions

00:09:16.400 today. All right. So we're going to field questions from the iron council, learn more

00:09:21.340 order of man.com slash iron council, Aiden Corey Corio. I'm a young adult and I've noticed that

00:09:29.500 around authority figures, I tend to become passive and less intentional with my time. But when I'm on

00:09:35.960 my own, I'm far more productive and aware. How does someone at this stage of life learn to truly take

00:09:41.500 ownership of their time, regardless of who's around them? Dude, let me just say this really

00:09:47.100 quick before you jump in, Ryan, I can relate to this. I remember these days being in my early twenties,

00:09:53.360 kind of being in, in leadership roles around older people. And I remember it kind of

00:09:58.180 messed with me a little bit when I was younger. I don't know. So I, I just relate, I can relate to

00:10:03.800 this totally. Yeah. I mean, I, I think it's, I think it's valid. I actually don't know that it's

00:10:09.340 entirely a bad thing either. Uh, we, we live in this world today where it's like, I'm on the alpha.

00:10:14.740 I need to assert myself. I need, no, maybe there's a time where we can just go back to just

00:10:19.940 younger people, just sitting down and shutting up, listening, paying attention and observing and

00:10:24.840 getting, getting some wisdom from our elders. So I, I'm not even sure that this is a bad thing.

00:10:30.460 I was in the same boat when I was 20 years old and 25 years old, when I was 20, you know, in the

00:10:36.140 military, uh, learning from my first Sergeant and you know, my, my, uh, our, our section chief,

00:10:43.800 like I didn't, I didn't assert myself. I was assertive in what he asked me to do,

00:10:48.740 but I didn't assert my leadership into whatever it is I was doing. I showed up, I performed well.

00:10:55.240 I did what people asked me. I took it to the nth degree. I asked good questions and I did my job

00:11:01.320 well, as well as I could. I think that's the answer. Yeah. I, I, I really don't think that we

00:11:09.000 need to grow up so fast, so to speak. But again, we're getting into social media where everybody

00:11:16.180 has a business. Everybody has a side hustle. Everybody has a podcast. Everybody has something

00:11:21.280 to say. Everybody has an opinion. Maybe we ought to go back to where not everybody has an opinion

00:11:27.520 on everything. You can have an opinion on something that you're qualified to give your opinion on and

00:11:31.500 the rest of it, just sit and learn. I think there's a lot to that. So I, I, I, I'm kind of taking it a

00:11:38.360 different direction and, and saying, yeah, cool. Embrace it. Hopefully you've got a good boss,

00:11:43.960 a good leader who cares about you, who's willing to impart his wisdom, sit and listen and learn and

00:11:50.100 observe and be curious and ask good questions and let the thing mature over time. It will.

00:11:54.940 Yeah. No, I love it. I mean, even now I look for opportunities to be a good soldier.

00:12:02.340 Yeah. Like I don't have to be in control. You know, if, if someone's taken the reins of a

00:12:06.920 current circumstance and I see like they're leading well, I'd be like, what do you need next boss? And

00:12:12.580 I'll, I'll be a great worker bee and get stuff done. And there's something to be said for that,

00:12:18.180 right? We're humble. We're like, Hey, what's, what's this about? Is it about me propping myself up or is

00:12:22.340 it about getting the job done? Hey, they're leading from the front. I'm going to be assertive.

00:12:26.000 What's with, with what's being asked of me. I'm going to do it. Well, they can lead. I'm okay with

00:12:31.660 that. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's a really big distinction here between passivity and assertiveness.

00:12:37.440 And I'm not sure with Aiden where exactly he sits on that line, because look, you can be passive

00:12:44.120 meaning. And when I think of passivity in this situation, I think about dereliction of duty.

00:12:49.780 I think somebody has asked you to do something and you're like, I don't know, maybe somebody else

00:12:53.860 will do it. That's what I would consider passivity in this situation. I don't think you're being

00:12:59.080 passive by taking direction, insight, ideas, concepts, directives, and doing it to the best of

00:13:07.760 your ability. I would not consider that passivity. Now, if you're in a situation where you have a good

00:13:14.360 idea or you have a thought that you'd like to share with somebody in a position of authority

00:13:22.160 above you, maybe the way to transition into sharing those ideas is to ask questions. So Kip,

00:13:30.840 if you're an authority figure in my life and I'm feeling awkward about just asserting my ideas into

00:13:36.120 the mix, I might come to you and say, Hey Kip, I was doing the thing that you asked me to do. And it

00:13:40.800 seems to be going pretty well, but I got hung up on this one thing. And I had this thought,

00:13:44.400 what if we did it this way? And I'm sure it's already been thought of, but I'm actually more

00:13:49.300 just curious if it hasn't, should we try it? And if it has, why don't we do it that way out of

00:13:54.080 curiosity? And that might be a really good way for you to assert your own ideas without it coming

00:13:59.980 across to yourself as being directive or putting yourself into a situation you don't feel like you

00:14:05.700 belong. It might take the edge off a bit. Totally. Totally. You know, when I read this question,

00:14:11.520 we just have to cover it really quick, right? I mean, if he's around authority figures and stuff's

00:14:17.420 not getting done and you have a job to do, and they're just all like being lazy, you know what I

00:14:23.180 mean? And not getting things done that needs to get done, then absolutely like, Hey guys, you know,

00:14:29.720 you don't have to be a argumentative, but Hey, I want to, you know, what do you want me to work on next?

00:14:34.220 Like be own your world still. You don't necessarily have to lead the group, but be careful also not

00:14:41.740 to. And cause we might have some authority figures that are, are, they're being passive. They're not

00:14:45.900 owning the situation. They're not working hard or whatever. Also don't use that as an excuse to do

00:14:50.600 the same thing just because the boss is sitting around chit chatting. That doesn't mean that you

00:14:55.060 should. So be assertive with that and ask for direction and guidance. I had this really interesting

00:15:01.100 scenario. This was probably gosh, 20, 23 years ago now at this point, maybe. And I was working at

00:15:09.560 buckle. That's my background is retail management. So I was working at buckle clothing store and we were

00:15:14.280 opening a new store in Orem and the store was getting put together, but somebody had taken a bar

00:15:20.640 off the rack. This was before we even opened, but had taken a bar off the rack and set it on the ground

00:15:25.500 because they needed to move a display or something. I can't exactly remember. And one of the, um,

00:15:32.060 the leaders, I don't, I don't remember if she was the assistant manager or a shift supervisor or

00:15:37.560 something. She came up, I was sitting there talking to the store manager about some things. And she came

00:15:42.000 up and she said, Hey, like people keep putting these bar, like somebody put this bar on the ground

00:15:46.500 and we can't have that on the ground. And I walked over and I picked the bar up and I put it on the

00:15:51.140 table or put it back on the rack. And then I went back and started talking to the manager again,

00:15:54.700 like I was. And it's like, I think she might've been a little taken back because I kind of stepped

00:16:03.240 around her a little bit. Maybe it made her look a little bit foolish, but the manager was like, 0.96

00:16:07.120 after she left, she's like, thank you for doing that. Like just being assertive and taking care of 0.94

00:16:11.500 it. Cause that's one less thing I want to have to worry about. And I know that might seem like a very

00:16:16.300 small example, but the more that you can just be assertive within, within parameters, right?

00:16:22.080 You don't want to get yourself in trouble or do something that is going to cost the company money, 1.00

00:16:25.700 but just go handle your shit. And people are going to see that not always, not every time, 0.99

00:16:33.000 but if you embrace that mentality and you adopt that into who you are over the long haul, you're

00:16:40.840 going to win. You were just going to set yourself apart so much more than those people who like to

00:16:45.220 ponder and complain and look for problems without solutions. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

00:16:53.400 All right. Brian. So sack, how do you maintain a healthy, um, balance of talking to yourself

00:17:00.460 intently and cutting the bullshit with giving yourself grace and understanding? How do you know 0.98

00:17:06.580 when it's time for the carrot or the stick? The carrot versus the stick is just a process of

00:17:14.080 experimentation. Um, it really just comes down to, are you doing it? And I would start with a carrot

00:17:21.080 because positivity, I think is better than negativity generally. So I would start with a

00:17:26.860 carrot. And if that isn't enough, then I would move to the stick. So what is this going to mean when I

00:17:32.860 get done? How is this going to make me feel? What am I going to accomplish? What, how am I going to

00:17:37.600 reward myself? What's my family going to think? Like, those are all really carrot driven incentives.

00:17:43.620 Well, how much money am I going to make on this? How good am I going to like those types of things.

00:17:47.220 And then the carrot is, Hey, if I don't do this, I'm going to let people down or, um, I'm going to

00:17:52.420 get fired or, uh, my wife's going to be bothered because I'm not getting work done. You know, 0.75

00:17:57.360 that's more of the sticks. I would, I would always say carrot first and then move to stick,

00:18:01.300 but I use both. It's doesn't matter to me, whatever's going to motivate me to get it done.

00:18:08.280 But I will say there's an important thing that you need to understand. And there's a difference

00:18:14.700 between excuses and reasons. This is very important that people know this.

00:18:21.600 When you're doing negative self-talk, you're usually engaged in excuses, right? It's an excuse is

00:18:29.160 it's, it's, it's not finishing the sentence. Hey, this didn't happen period or blaming blame

00:18:38.120 shifting, like putting it on other people, but it never, the, the idea never gets carried out

00:18:44.360 to finality. And that would be a reason. So a reason would be, Hey, uh, the part of the reason

00:18:52.000 my marriage failed is because I did this or I didn't do that. And so that's no longer

00:18:59.020 an excuse that becomes a reason. Because now what you say is, therefore I'm going to change

00:19:05.100 my behavior. I'm going to learn new skills and tools to improve my life. And so the next

00:19:11.780 woman to come into my life is not going to have the experience that the first one did. 1.00

00:19:16.900 Now it's a reason. And when you start getting into the pity party, you start getting into blaming

00:19:22.960 other people, even blaming yourself, the difference between guilt and shame. We could talk about

00:19:28.640 that if we need to, then, then you're just bludgeoning yourself over the head with a proverbial 0.92

00:19:34.700 club. And it's just not going to help you look at the feedback you're receiving, whether

00:19:40.520 it's in romantic relationships, your bank account, the way your body looks, the way you

00:19:44.760 feel and ask yourself, how can I improve? But just look at it as data. It's just data.

00:19:53.400 And it's hard when you get into relationships, again, whether it's personal or professional

00:19:57.420 or romantic, where you think, Oh, I just ruined my life. Right. Guys that going through, going

00:20:04.020 through divorce, for example, be like, Oh, my life's over. No, it's not over. It feels like

00:20:08.140 that now. And it's not even to excuse your behavior, but it's not over. You're going to find

00:20:14.520 another woman. You're going to have other opportunities. You're going to have new experiences

00:20:19.020 that were even better in some ways than the previous ones. But if you wallow in your own

00:20:25.280 self-pity and you tell yourself how horrible you are and why you're a loser and why you're 0.99

00:20:29.020 a screw up and why you can't get anything right and why you're always wrong and why you always 0.99

00:20:33.820 mess things up, then you'll just continue to do that because you're not examining the root

00:20:38.720 of the problem and fixing it.

00:20:40.020 Totally. Yeah. It's, it's interesting. Brian uses the word grace, like giving yourself

00:20:45.900 grace. Well, you don't actually have to give yourself grace if you stop the judgment, like

00:20:52.520 stop, stop the labels. Right. And I don't think the stick is a label, right? In fact, sometimes

00:20:57.920 our labels are even excuses and reasons. Well, I'm a moron. It's like, we almost use that. 1.00

00:21:04.420 Oh, I'm a moron as the reason for not making adjustments. It's like, as an excuse, as the 0.97

00:21:10.680 excuse. Yeah. As the excuse. So Brian, like stay away from all the labels, like all that

00:21:16.260 poison, you know, that's not talking tough with yourself, right? Seek understanding.

00:21:21.220 Is it working? Yes or no. Oh, it's not working. What pivots and adjustments should I make?

00:21:25.980 Be curious, understand, move forward. But the minute you go, I'm this, I'm that. I actually,

00:21:32.080 you know, I live in the camp where I don't think the poison of shaming and labels on oneself

00:21:39.300 serves you ever. Like they may serve you. You like might finish the run because you Brian

00:21:45.380 hate and frustration to prove a point, but you still have that in you. Right? Like, so I,

00:21:52.700 I say, let go of the poison, the safe self-labeling, the negative, and just focus on being curious

00:22:00.020 and reality. Is it working? It's not. Okay. It's not working. So you said this, right? Therefore,

00:22:06.100 I am going to, right? And so move to the therefore and keep making pivots and adjustments.

00:22:14.060 I like the phrase, and you've probably heard this is I did the best with the tools and information I

00:22:20.620 had at the time. And I've used that quite a bit, especially as it related to my alcohol abuse and

00:22:27.520 to, um, the, the breakdown of my marriage. And I think a lot of the times people hear that and they

00:22:33.940 think, Oh, you're just making excuses for your poor performance. Like you should have known better.

00:22:38.820 And in hindsight, yeah, absolutely. I did it. Or I did know better, but I didn't have the skill set

00:22:47.020 to be able to overcome it. Or I didn't know about the, the, the pain that I was dealing with and

00:22:53.720 suffering with, or I didn't have the discipline. And so people say, well, yeah, that, that makes you

00:22:58.360 weak. Right. Yeah. I was weaker than I am now. Unobjectively true. Like it is, that's absolutely true,

00:23:06.400 but I don't take it as a personal indictment of who I am today because I'm stronger and I'm better

00:23:12.040 and I'm more effective. So I did the best with the information I had is a good phrase. If it's

00:23:18.660 followed up with, but now I have new information and I'm going to be a better version of myself

00:23:24.080 than I was yesterday. And then you figure out what the new information is and you apply it.

00:23:29.860 Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Stick with it, Brian. Stick with it. All right. Matt Matusi,

00:23:36.400 this is really funny. He says, no homo. How do you utilize? No homo? No homo. That's how he starts 1.00

00:23:45.280 off the question. No homo. How do you utilize touch in male relationships? Hand on a coworker or a friend's 1.00

00:23:52.700 shoulders, greetings with a fist bump. Is there value in bringing deeper connection? I'm not asking

00:23:59.060 about a prolonged invasion of space. Of course. I say do that and stare awkwardly into people's eyes

00:24:06.960 and just absolutely just own it, man. Just own it. Hold your hug a little too long. When you, when you,

00:24:13.540 uh, handshake with somebody, just move your pinky on their wrist. Just, just casually like inside of

00:24:19.940 their palm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Things like that go over really, really well. Try it.

00:24:24.820 Uh, yeah. I actually liked this question a lot because I think touch between men is underutilized.

00:24:32.360 It really is there. We are balls of energy, right? And so that energy gets transferred when

00:24:38.680 you touch somebody, whether it's a woman and it's romantic or a brother and it's a relational or,

00:24:45.580 or a friend and it's platonic, there's energy that gets transferred. And so a really good way to do this.

00:24:51.380 The first thing is do martial arts. I mean, that's, that's the first thing like that, man, when you,

00:24:58.700 when you're wrestling and you're training and you're fighting and you're hitting and you're striking and

00:25:03.180 you're grabbing, it's there, there's just something about the way that like a man grabs you. You know,

00:25:11.700 what's interesting is when I, when I very first started training jujitsu, there was a couple of

00:25:17.860 women who trained in, in our, in, in our camp. And, um, it was always interesting to see the

00:25:24.020 difference between the way a woman grabs you and a man grabs you. Like when a man grabs you, you're 0.80

00:25:28.900 like, Oh, this is an entirely different level of strength here. And it was always so interesting,

00:25:34.740 but yeah, I think a lot of energy gets passed into that. And it's a very powerful thing. Um,

00:25:41.100 I think hugs, I think handshakes, even, even secret handshakes, you know, where it's like

00:25:47.560 things like that. Um, I don't think it's that difficult. It just don't make it weird. Right.

00:25:54.840 That's the phrase. Just don't make it weird. Kip, whenever I see you, you know, I come in for a

00:25:59.280 hug. That's not an awkward thing. I give you the double, the double bro back tap and you know,

00:26:04.280 it's good to go. Or occasionally, you know, maybe I'll try to sneak up behind you and put it,

00:26:08.440 put you in a rear naked choke or whatever. Um, even if we're not training jujitsu at the time,

00:26:13.480 but yeah, physical touch between men, hugely, hugely important underutilized, but not really

00:26:18.900 hard to implement if you just embrace it and you don't make it weird. Or if you're really close

00:26:23.260 with friends, absolutely make it weird. If you're sitting on the couch watching fight night,

00:26:27.300 bro, just put your hand on his thigh and just like joke with him. Every once in a while, my two oldest

00:26:31.760 boys, I'll go up to hold their hand and we're walking down the street or in the parking lot.

00:26:35.300 I'll try to hold their hand and they get so mad, but physical touch is huge. Even between men as

00:26:41.880 contrary to popular belief, that might be. It absolutely is. Yeah. Nothing to add, man. It's

00:26:47.420 just bring, you know, his question. Does it bring deeper connection? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

00:26:54.360 And one of the, one of the examples of this that I think is shows up and I find this fascinating

00:27:00.380 about jujitsu is one, you don't need belts. We could all train Nogi and you, you know,

00:27:09.600 like you can train with someone and you go, Oh, you're a blue belt or you're really good blue belt.

00:27:14.540 You're almost a purple, right? Like it's, it's fascinating to me how feeling someone else's

00:27:20.720 body and how they move, you, you know where their jujitsu is. Here's the other thing that's

00:27:25.080 fascinating. How many times have you trained with someone and you're like, they're having a bad

00:27:30.140 day. There's shit going on at home. There's some pent up frustration and anger happening. 1.00

00:27:38.300 And you're like, dude, are you, you doing okay? And no words were ever said for you to know that.

00:27:46.060 Yeah. You don't think there's energy and we're picking up on each other in regards to how our

00:27:50.860 emotional states are without words and only through touch. You absolutely are. And I can't

00:27:57.260 count how many times I've done that. And I know that someone's really dealing with some serious

00:28:01.560 stuff, just how they train. It's crazy. I think there's, it is crazy. And I think you can also

00:28:08.240 tell a lot by, by a man when you have that physical touch, you know, if I, if I go up, let's say for

00:28:13.280 example, I go up and I give a guy I've never met a handshake. I already know a lot about that guy

00:28:18.520 through the handshake. Is he passive? Is he timid? Is he weak? Is he assertive? Is he an

00:28:23.940 asshole? I know if he's an asshole too, cause he grabs your hand, he like shakes your arm. I'm 1.00

00:28:27.700 like, I don't like this guy. Why are you doing that? That's ego. You're like, all right, you're

00:28:31.240 a dick. Yeah. Yeah. So I already know a lot about what's going on or the guy who's like overly 1.00

00:28:36.240 like flam, not flamboyant, but like overly boisterous. And it's like, dude, what, who are you

00:28:42.180 performing for? I know that's an insecurity issue. So there's a lot you can tell by a man when you

00:28:47.820 give him a handshake or go up and give him a hug or, you know, how he take it's, it's

00:28:52.020 very fascinating, but I love that question. Cause I don't think we've ever been asked that

00:28:55.820 question before. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question. Great question, Matt. All right. Raul

00:29:00.980 Gutierrez at the start of the year, Ryan, you challenged people on the first call to devise

00:29:06.300 a theme for this new year. Are you facing any challenges in integrating this new theme into

00:29:12.000 your lives? You know, I, I changed my, I changed my word. My word was mastery. Everything I did,

00:29:18.500 I wanted to show up powerfully and do it, do it right, do it correctly to the best of my

00:29:22.420 ability. And I still want to do that. I'm not saying I've abandoned that by any means, but

00:29:27.240 I, I had this thought a couple of weeks ago that I needed to create an integrity list. And

00:29:34.140 my integrity list was all of the things that needed to be said and done that I've been meaning

00:29:40.680 to say and do, or I've owed somebody something or whatever. And I came up with a list of about

00:29:46.240 five to 10 things. And the canoe was on there. Um, I owed three or four people an apology,

00:29:51.600 which I've done at this point. A marathon is on the integrity list. And there's a few other

00:29:56.180 things that are, are more private in nature. So I won't share them, but that's really my goal

00:30:00.920 this year is to work through that integrity list and not add anything else to it. Like if I say

00:30:08.800 I'm going to do something, I do it. If I'm going to show up and I'm, and I say, I'm going to be

00:30:12.340 there. Um, if I owe somebody an apology, I'm going to do it quickly. I'm going to try not to owe them

00:30:17.520 an apology in the first place. And so integrity is really my word of the year. And so far I haven't

00:30:26.700 really had any struggle in working through the list. Although parts of it have been difficult,

00:30:33.200 specifically the apologies that I owed to people, those have not been fun, but everybody, the three

00:30:40.600 people that I've apologized to actually were not surprisingly, but very gracious in their response

00:30:48.480 and acceptance of my apology. I was, I was actually shocked. It went better than you thought it would

00:30:53.700 way better. Uh, in fact, I was hoping that I wouldn't hear back from the people that I apologized to

00:30:59.940 that would have been better to me than them just like blowing up, but I did it. And the three people

00:31:06.840 I talked to, like I said, very, very gracious, had a good conversation. Haven't followed up since no

00:31:11.640 need to, I don't need to open things up. That's not what I was doing, but I just needed to make amends.

00:31:17.700 I needed to make a repair on my side and I did. And that was amazing. So yeah, integrity is my,

00:31:25.940 my word of the year. I love it. I love it. You know, mine was alignment, like getting aligned

00:31:33.580 with where I was putting my effort, right? Like I think often in life, we have a tendency to

00:31:40.220 be doing one thing or the other in spite of, or because of someone else, right? And we're not

00:31:47.380 really choosing it. We're being compliant or avoidant in some way. And a lot of our actions

00:31:52.740 are really rooted in what other people want versus what we are choosing. And then I went to church on

00:32:00.560 Sunday and we talked about the word temperance. And I was like, maybe that's what I should be

00:32:06.880 focused on. Because I get, you know, I think temperance for me, I just, I get too riled up, man. And I,

00:32:17.040 and I think my kids need a calmer version of me, a funner version of me. And, and I'm not,

00:32:23.660 I'm denying them of that because I'm being too reactionary to circumstance. And I think the

00:32:30.000 circumstances justify my, my mindset, my behaviors, and I need to stop that and show up in spite of

00:32:36.920 them, you know, in a, in a temperate manner that is better supportive of my, my kids and my family.

00:32:42.280 Hmm. Yeah. I like that. I could, I could definitely use some of that as well. There's some,

00:32:48.320 the hard thing is there's so much to focus on. Like, how do you, like, what do you pick? And,

00:32:52.620 and I would say, pick the thing that needs the most work and also pick the thing that will make every

00:32:58.480 other factor better. Yeah. You being, I think that's great. You having temperance in the way that

00:33:04.300 you approach your children is going to be more in alignment with who you are as a human being,

00:33:08.380 right? Yeah. Yeah. Me being in integrity is going to help me be more of a master when it comes to

00:33:15.200 podcasting or even my morning routine or raising my kids. So pick the thing that's going to cover

00:33:22.780 the most broad aspects of your life and how you want to show up. Totally. Well, and in the iron

00:33:27.540 council, right this month, we're, we're getting close to wrapping up the subject, right around

00:33:31.720 effortlessness. And you can't help, but like, think, man, what kind of energy am I, um, gaining

00:33:40.360 right through alignment with integrity? How much energy am I gaining through having, being temperate,

00:33:48.020 having temperance in my relationships and being more calm. Right. And, and these are ways that we

00:33:52.720 can just show up more powerfully in other areas of our life. When we have these areas of alignment,

00:33:57.600 whether alignment and integrity or alignment with our mindset and how we're reacting to

00:34:03.100 circumstance. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Good. Cool. Yeah. All right. Tommy Arnhart, uh, please cease.

00:34:14.200 Okay. Hold on. Yeah. Uh, I don't know what he's talking about. I'll read it. Maybe you,

00:34:20.980 you know, Ryan, please see comments made on your list of boundaries and comment on the,

00:34:26.740 Oh, uh, risk up reciprocity. Yeah. Uh, a, a smell, a smell, a series and I'm here for it. I don't

00:34:35.460 know. I don't, did you, I know you made a post or something. Okay. Yeah. I made a post in the iron

00:34:42.220 council about boundaries because, um, I think it's important. We talk about boundaries. Like

00:34:50.100 so many people address the concept of boundaries, but nobody ever gets into the weeds of it. You know,

00:34:55.740 everybody's like, Oh, you can have boundaries, have boundaries, have boundaries, have boundaries.

00:34:58.580 It's like, cool. Like what? You're like, I just boundaries. You just, just have them. It's like,

00:35:02.340 yeah, but, but like, what would be a boundary? Just like the way people treat you. Like, okay,

00:35:08.220 can we get specific? Can we get tactical here? Can we get down to the, to the, to the, you know,

00:35:14.220 nitty gritty so I can actually know what the heck you're talking about when you say boundaries.

00:35:17.880 And so I, I, over the past couple of months have thought about eight boundaries that apply broadly

00:35:22.920 to personal relationships, professional relationships, and romantic relationships.

00:35:29.720 And, and it's interesting because as I was going through these boundaries, it's interesting that

00:35:33.400 they apply to all three of those categories and I won't go through them all. Maybe I'll do,

00:35:37.640 you know what? I'll do a Friday field notes this week on all eight boundaries that I've identified.

00:35:41.220 But the first one that I brought up was reciprocity. And this one seemed to be the most controversial

00:35:45.960 deal. And the idea, and I've got it here because I've been journaling for about three weeks now,

00:35:50.280 every day for three weeks. So here it is right here. And I wrote this down in my journal. I said,

00:35:54.460 there's a boundary of reciprocity. So I do not invest more time than I'm, excuse me,

00:35:59.140 more than I am receiving for more than a short, explicit window.

00:36:07.300 So there was a lot of people that had problems with that because there was, there was some,

00:36:12.000 there was a couple of things that got brought up. Number one was, well, that's not very Christian. 0.80

00:36:15.480 And what about people who you want to help, but can't do anything for you? I'm like, okay,

00:36:20.820 I wouldn't lump that into personal, professional, or romantic relationships. That's charitable work.

00:36:25.840 Like I wouldn't consider mowing the widowed woman's lawn next door as an investment of my time without 0.98

00:36:33.440 any level of reciprocity. I don't need anything or even desire something in exchange for me mowing her

00:36:40.060 lawn. Cause I'm just being a charitable person, but that's clearly not what I'm talking about. I'm

00:36:44.640 talking about long-term personal relationships that you have with people. Yeah. Where the other one

00:36:51.820 commitment between the two individuals is what you're talking about. Of course. Yeah, of course.

00:36:56.780 And the other, the other thing that people, uh, had mentioned was that at times you do,

00:37:03.800 even in those relationships, you do need to lift other people up. You know, there might be a time in,

00:37:09.680 in your romantic relationship where she's having a difficult time, maybe a loss of a loved one.

00:37:15.860 Maybe she's dealing with a health issue. Maybe she's got postpartum. I mean, there's all sorts

00:37:19.640 of things that come just like we have issues in relationships. And there might be times where

00:37:24.660 you need to carry the weight of the relationship for, for a season. And of course, I'm not saying that

00:37:31.040 this is a hard and fast rule, but it is a boundary. And I think it's really, really important that

00:37:37.420 everybody establish something like this. Now you might use a different word. You might use different

00:37:42.920 verbiage, but whatever you need to change it to, to make it an easier pill to swallow, definitely do

00:37:49.520 it. Um, I had one guy say, well, that just sounds really transactional. Well, yeah, all relationships

00:37:56.560 are transactional. That doesn't mean they're impersonal necessarily, but I asked this gentleman,

00:38:02.340 I said, would you go to work if your boss didn't pay you? How long would you stay in a relationship

00:38:07.840 where you poured everything into it, but she didn't give anything in return? If you had a business

00:38:12.460 partner and he was collecting half of the income and revenue, but he was doing none of the work,

00:38:16.940 how long before you ousted him from the company? I think we get this really weird, soft, fuzzy

00:38:23.600 feelings about like, it shouldn't be transactional. Of course it is. Why wouldn't you be in a

00:38:28.560 relationship where you're not getting something out of the relationship? Even if it is a romantic

00:38:33.720 relationship, that's not, that's not a bad thing. It should be reciprocal in a relationship. Let's talk

00:38:41.740 about romantic. For example, it might be that you're the protector, the provider, you lead the family,

00:38:47.940 you make decisions, you plan things, you bring the structure as GS Youngblood would say, you bring

00:38:54.480 the structure to the relationship. And in exchange for that, she brings nurturing and support and

00:39:02.660 insight and beauty and loveliness. If she doesn't bring that to the relationship and you're just

00:39:09.900 providing structure, how long are you going to, how long is that relationship going to last?

00:39:14.900 Conversely, if she's bringing nurturing and support and love and empathy, and you're not doing

00:39:19.860 anything, how long is she going to stick around with you? We are not obligated to be in relationships 0.70

00:39:25.500 where there's not some metric of reciprocity. It doesn't mean that you're equally contributing.

00:39:30.640 It means that what you're getting is valuable the same way as what she is getting is valuable to her.

00:39:38.080 And so I think it's really, really important. And I'll tell you why this is important.

00:39:41.280 Because if you don't have a boundary of reciprocity,

00:39:45.420 it only leads to resentment, contention, bitterness, and animosity. Because you're doing everything

00:39:57.600 and they're not doing anything. And all of us have said that before. And that means that a

00:40:04.080 imaginary boundary you have not identified yet has been crossed. So you better start identifying it.

00:40:10.120 It's the boundary of reciprocity.

00:40:12.260 What's awesome about this, just to drive this thought home, you'll love this. In corporate,

00:40:18.700 I'll call this an equitable transfer of value.

00:40:22.860 Yeah.

00:40:23.780 Is the transfer of value between me and employer equitable? Now, here's a crazy statistic. You can

00:40:31.280 grab the statistic in the work environment and we can play and pretend to apply it to personal

00:40:36.900 relationships. And then we vet this out to see how this works out really well for us. So in the event

00:40:42.740 that value is not equitable to between employee and employer, 83% of those employees, guess what they do?

00:40:51.840 They don't quit. They reduce effort to match the equity they're receiving.

00:41:01.860 They go, Oh, you know what? Got it. You're not going to value me. Guess what? I'm going to value my role less.

00:41:07.660 I'm going to give you less. And it's not far Ryan, right? You just look at our natural human

00:41:13.660 tendencies to do what in a relationship where someone's not pouring into you, you stop pouring

00:41:18.320 into them. You go, okay, got it. I'm going to reduce what I'm giving you because I'm not getting

00:41:23.260 what I think I deserve. That is what most people do when it's not equitable. And then your top

00:41:30.540 performers, which is your 17%, they just go to market right away. Cause they're like, well,

00:41:35.220 well, I'll just go somewhere else where I'm highly valued. And then they just leave.

00:41:39.160 Those are, there's no other percentage. There's no percentage where the person sticks around and

00:41:43.160 does amazing work for an extended period of time in spite of them being valued. Nope.

00:41:50.200 They reduce effort to match or they leave.

00:41:55.020 I think it's, I think it's really simple. Like, and look, you know, when I made that post and the

00:41:59.940 iron council guys were like, well, you know, sometimes you want to stick around and you owe people this

00:42:03.520 and that. I'm like, yeah, of course there's seasons. And yeah, right. What I said does not

00:42:07.960 override that. Um, I, I would never be in any sort of relationship again, personal, professional,

00:42:14.260 romantic, where if a boundary was crossed, I didn't tell the person, Hey, I don't like that.

00:42:19.460 And here's why. And here's what I expect and allow them to, that's my first, I want to be in that

00:42:25.900 relationship. I want to be in that business partnership. I want to be working at that company.

00:42:30.620 I would rather it be good for all of us, but this is what it's going to take for it to be good.

00:42:37.060 So just because I have a boundary and I've, and I've written it. So, so matter of fact,

00:42:43.580 doesn't mean that I don't, I shouldn't communicate my boundaries that I just ought to excommunicate

00:42:49.140 anybody who steps over the first time without me even telling them about it or communicating it

00:42:54.420 effectively. I mean, sure. We can have some grace and kindness and empathy, but you better know,

00:42:59.740 look, here's the problem. I think I kind of already alluded this. You're, if you're ever

00:43:06.920 frustrated in a relationship, like maybe you're bothered about something your wife said,

00:43:12.580 uh, then she crossed a boundary that you have, but you don't know what it is.

00:43:18.920 It's going to make you upset. Yeah. Right. But you don't know what, but you don't even know what

00:43:22.300 the boundary is because you haven't even thought about it. Maybe it's a respect boundary. That's one

00:43:26.240 for a lot of guys is like, Hey, I'll be treated with respect. Good. What does that actually look

00:43:29.720 like? And so when she, when it was perceived by you that she's disrespected you, you are bothered

00:43:36.720 about it because she crossed a boundary that has not been identified by you or her yet. So that's

00:43:42.620 the first step. Why does this bother me? Oh, it bothers me because I'm being disrespected.

00:43:47.100 Okay, good. That's a boundary for you. Now let's talk about what respect looks like and what

00:43:53.360 disrespect looks like. And then let's talk with her about it. Look, I'm not the guru on all this

00:43:58.360 stuff, but I do know that I get triggered in the truest sense of the word by people all the time.

00:44:06.160 And when I do, I'm being a lot more aware of, Oh, what's the boundary I have that I have not yet

00:44:12.180 identified or communicated. Yeah. I love that. Well, and what might happen? Hey, here's the boundary.

00:44:19.140 I want respect. Oh, well, if you want that, this is what I need. Okay, great. Now we're having a

00:44:24.540 conversation of alignment. What can I do to ensure I'm getting what I want? And, and then we get into

00:44:30.520 it. You know, we might identify a boundary all to figure out that we need to be showing up a little

00:44:35.700 bit differently. If we expect that from someone else, that's a great thing to flush out.

00:44:43.000 So I'm writing this down. Boundaries make better partners the same way that high fences make great

00:44:48.320 neighbors. The, the woman in your life, guys, please hear me when I say this, unless it's so far

00:44:56.000 gone that, that it's past this point, but overwhelmingly the woman in your life wants to

00:45:03.140 meet your expectations. She wants to serve you. She wants to be a good wife and a good partner to you. 1.00

00:45:10.580 And you want to be that to her. You want to meet her expectations. You want to serve her. You want to be a

00:45:17.500 good husband to her. Help me do that. Help me help you. As they say, you can help me be a better

00:45:26.080 husband. If you communicate your needs, wants, desires, and boundaries, and I will help you be a

00:45:31.620 better wife to me by communicating my needs, wants, desires, and boundaries. And then we can all decide,

00:45:36.320 am I willing to operate in that framework or am I not? And those are the only two choices

00:45:41.740 versus unspoken and expectations. And it's not clear. Which just leads to breakups and divorces

00:45:47.400 and business dissolvements anyways. So you're not out anything. Yeah. Might as well be clear,

00:45:53.800 transparent about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. That's good. Good distinction, man. I love that.

00:46:00.020 Paul Dickman, how can men most effectively disciple young men that are not their sons?

00:46:06.500 And at what age would that mentorship be most impactful?

00:46:12.640 I mean, I guess it really depends on the scope of your relationship with them, right? Yeah.

00:46:20.320 If it's a grandson, for example, there's probably a little bit more discipline, a little bit more

00:46:25.680 structure that can take place. If it's a neighborhood kid or maybe even in a coaching situation, you know,

00:46:31.580 you're coaching young men on a sports team, for example, there's a lot of discipline that can go

00:46:36.540 into that because it is a very structured relationship. Um, if it's a, if it's your son's

00:46:45.620 friend, there's no, there's no relational structure there. So it's harder to administer discipline. So

00:46:52.660 what I would say in those situations is to invite those young men into your world and let them see

00:47:02.560 what a good disciplined man does. And then explain that to them. Hey, the reason I did this thing was

00:47:09.700 because X, Y, and Z. Um, we were talking about this before we, before we hit start, there was a

00:47:17.380 woman who was carrying some boxes, um, in the parking lot the other day. And I was just walking

00:47:21.940 into the, into the office and I said, Hey, can I carry those for you? And she's like, Oh no, no,

00:47:29.020 I got them. I really, I don't mind at all. She's like, Oh no, I'm just going to my car. I'm like,

00:47:31.800 Oh cool. So she's like, thank you though. That was so nice. I'm like, you're welcome. And then I

00:47:35.920 went back, I went into the office and like, didn't think another thing of it, but had my son been

00:47:40.500 there, I would have had him do it. I would have said, Hey, can we carry those boxes for you?

00:47:46.700 And she would have, if she would have said, uh, yeah, that would be really helpful. I'd grab it

00:47:51.560 and I'd give it to him and say, here, you carry it. And then he would carry it to the office or her

00:47:56.780 car or wherever. And then we go into our office. And then I would explain why it's important that

00:48:01.700 we show up that way. So now you're letting them participate in what it means to be a good man.

00:48:07.220 And you're inviting them into your world. And then you have to follow it up with explanation.

00:48:11.360 Hey, the reason that we show up this way is because of X, Y, and Z. Um, I remember

00:48:16.560 this was years ago, I went into a local archery shop and I brought a bow in there. It was my

00:48:23.640 first boy I ever bought. And I bought it in Northern Utah and I brought this bow to Southern

00:48:27.480 Utah. And I walked in and I said to the guy, I said, Hey, I'd, I'd really like to get this bow

00:48:33.560 tuned up. I've, I've taken like 50 to a hundred shots. I'd like to get the bow tuned up. And can you

00:48:39.860 help me with that? He's like, where did you buy it? And I said, I bought it in Northern Utah. He's like,

00:48:43.240 where are you from? And I said, I'm from, from here, from the area. He's like, Nope,

00:48:46.480 I'm not going to help you. I'm like, I laughed. I kind of chuckled. He's like, no, I'm serious.

00:48:53.980 I was like, Oh wait, you're not going to tune it up for me. He's like, I'm tired of helping

00:48:58.540 people that buy their equipment somewhere else. And I was like, I don't, I don't think you

00:49:04.040 understand. Like, I'm not asking you to do it for free. Like I'm asking you to do a service

00:49:08.160 that I'll pay for. And then I'll probably buy arrows and releases and other things and

00:49:14.120 introduce people. My next bow I'll buy here. And he's like, Nope, I'm done. I'm not doing

00:49:18.960 that anymore. I'm like, all right. So my oldest son Brecken was with me and he was young. He

00:49:25.740 was probably nine at the time. And we walked out. He's like, dad, that guy was a jerk.

00:49:31.700 And I said, yeah, he was a jerk. How did you feel about that? He's like, I didn't like that. 1.00

00:49:36.820 I said, what do you, how do you think we should have handled it? He's like, I just leave,

00:49:41.180 I guess. I'm like, exactly. We just leave. People are free to make their choices. People

00:49:45.460 are free to be jerks. You know, it doesn't impact me too much. I'll just go to the other 1.00

00:49:49.040 archery shop and that's fine. And, um, and you know, we, we had a conversation about how

00:49:55.640 he should have handled it and what he should have done and what would have been a better

00:49:59.080 way and what would have been the outcome. And so now this is how mentoring takes place because

00:50:03.500 you're taking real world scenarios that they're part of and you're filling in the gaps that they

00:50:08.260 don't get. All, all a kid might know is like, that guy was an asshole. Like, I don't even like that. 1.00

00:50:13.800 Okay. Let's draw that to conclusion. Let's figure that out. Now, funny enough about that story. I was

00:50:19.220 actually introduced to that guy years later and he's been amazing and he does all of my both stuff

00:50:26.280 now, but I don't know, maybe I caught him on a bad day or I don't know. But years later,

00:50:31.320 I started going to him and he's incredible. So kind of a weird, interesting turnaround, but

00:50:35.240 that's the point still stands. Yeah. Yeah. Paul, I mean, what, what age will, it depends on the

00:50:43.440 mentorship that you're giving and what kind of discipleship looks like. And it looks different

00:50:47.700 at five. It looks different at 10. It looks different at 15. And to your point, Ryan, right.

00:50:52.740 We meet them where they are, not just where their hot hobbies and habits are, but also where their

00:50:59.860 maturity is. So I don't know if there's a age, I think it's, are we in a position? And I, this is

00:51:06.740 the part I'd add a relational position. So you can actually coach people. I still, this quote, I think

00:51:13.920 it's from Dale Carnegie. I should probably validate that since I use it all the time, but no one cares

00:51:18.220 about what you have to say until they know how much you care. Well, how do you make sure someone

00:51:22.360 knows that you care? You have a relationship with them. And so what are we doing with the

00:51:29.320 nephews, right? How are we communicating with the junior jazz basketball team and the kids

00:51:34.460 that we're coaching where they feel that they know that you care. And here's the funny thing

00:51:40.960 about care. I find this fascinating. You can care all you want. It doesn't mean they know

00:51:47.200 you might have to pivot and make adjustments on how you're showing up to ensure that people

00:51:54.520 actually know you care. You just carrying in your own is not sufficient. Yeah. So what are we doing

00:52:00.940 in the relationships, right? That these people know that we care. So then that way, when the

00:52:04.820 opportunity does present itself, we have influence with them. Pretty straightforward. Agreed. Yeah.

00:52:13.840 That's a funny bow story. That's hilarious. He didn't establish a boundary apparently around,

00:52:20.340 you have to buy your bow here to be able to have it tuned, you know? I mean, he did right there in

00:52:24.700 the moment. He made it pretty clear. He wasn't going to be working on my bow. I'm like, good. I don't

00:52:28.280 want to pay you money to work on it. Cause I don't like you as much as you don't like me. So

00:52:31.740 yeah, that's funny. I just love the fact that like you have a relationship now and that it's solid,

00:52:37.560 right? It just proves like sometimes we have days and, you know, maybe a little bit slower to judge.

00:52:42.760 Well, and I think there's, I think that's actually a good point, you know, in that story,

00:52:46.780 he could have been having a bad day. Maybe I was having a bad, maybe I said it like a jerk. I don't, 0.99

00:52:52.680 I don't know. I don't remember. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Um, so there's two, there's two sides to this.

00:52:58.860 First, I think let's just afford each other a little bit more grace, you know, like I didn't

00:53:03.380 get into a swearing match with him. I was with my son. I'm not going to like yell at him or call him

00:53:07.740 names or swear at him in front of my son. You know, so I just quietly picked up my bow and I

00:53:14.180 said, man, you just lost some business and then left. Uh, so, so there's that, you know, people,

00:53:19.680 people have bad days, give them some grace. The other side of it is just be open to the idea that

00:53:24.700 maybe there's some reconciliation with things in the future and you don't need to burn every bridge

00:53:30.100 that, that ever, you know, slighted you or hurt you in some way. Maybe that comes back around.

00:53:36.160 I don't know if it does. It doesn't matter if it does or does not. What matters is that you act

00:53:41.640 in accordance with the kind of man that you want to be. And the kind of man that I want to be is

00:53:46.500 one who doesn't blow up over nothing. Although I do at times and the kind of man who can afford

00:53:52.560 some grace and forgiveness to others, the same way that I would hope they would afford it to me when

00:53:57.560 I screw up. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's take one more gun D seems like jealousy and the desire for

00:54:06.820 more is rampant. These days, social media certainly doesn't help. What are some strategies to be

00:54:13.020 satisfied with what we have and where we are at while maintaining a growth mindset?

00:54:18.640 Two things come to mind. Number one, think about what you have more often.

00:54:26.960 What, whatever you focus on, that's what gets your attention. So if you're always focused on

00:54:32.820 what I don't have and what I do want and what my neighbors have that I don't have,

00:54:37.160 then there's always going to be a gap and you're always going to feel less than,

00:54:40.900 and you're right. Social media is horrible for this.

00:54:44.740 I want that. I want that. It's like Facebook marketplace, man. I've tagged like 10,000 items

00:54:49.880 of what I want. I know, but you know what? That dirt bike that you want. What about the three that

00:54:55.540 are in your garage already? Yeah, totally. Well, I don't like those anymore. Yeah. Because you don't

00:54:59.700 think about those, you know? And, and, and what if instead of buying a new dirt bike or road bike,

00:55:06.320 I know you've got some older, you know, Honda road bikes. What if instead of buying a new one,

00:55:11.640 you decided, Hey, you know what? I'm going to tune up this old one. I'm going to pay a

00:55:14.580 little bit more attention to the old one. I'm going to put a, put a new seat on this one.

00:55:18.020 Cause the upholstery kind of ripped over the past several decades. And so I'm going to buy a new

00:55:21.920 seat and I'm going to slap a new seat on this. Don't you think number one, that you would appreciate

00:55:26.140 it more. And number two, that you would actually enjoy it more. You write it around, you take better

00:55:31.180 care of it. You get the kids on it because it's, it's where your attention is going. And we live in a

00:55:40.300 throwaway economy where if something's broken or it's lost its luster, or it's not exactly right,

00:55:49.340 or it's not the newest model, or if it does that one really weird, obscure thing that you actually

00:55:53.860 don't need, but somebody has convinced you that you do, that you should just throw away the old

00:55:58.620 thing and get the new thing. I mean, phones is a great example of that. I don't know what iPhone

00:56:03.200 they're on, but mine's probably three and a half years old at this point. It does the same thing.

00:56:07.600 The new one does maybe not like, so maybe not as clear a picture than the newer one,

00:56:15.000 but that's like about it. It doesn't, maybe it doesn't look as cool or sleek as the new one,

00:56:20.060 but that's about it. So I really think that if we just spent more time, structured time,

00:56:25.800 focused time, maybe it's every morning and you write in your journal, I've got my journal here.

00:56:29.460 What am I grateful for? And not just this like hippie dippy bullshit idea of like writing my gratitude 0.85

00:56:34.640 journal, three things I'm happy about. That's stupid. I don't buy it. I don't, you know, 1.00

00:56:40.620 and people tell you all the time, like write a gratitude journal. No, I'm talking about going

00:56:44.420 in depth. Like instead of writing three things, why don't you focus on one today? So for example,

00:56:50.920 people often say, I'm really grateful for my health. Thank you for my health. Okay. That's a

00:56:57.100 good thing to be grateful for, but like, let's drill down into it. What are you, what are you grateful

00:57:02.280 for? Well, I'm grateful that I don't have any illness or disease. I'm grateful that I'm strong.

00:57:07.160 I'm grateful that my mind is sharp. I'm grateful that I'm fairly intelligent. I'm grateful that I

00:57:11.860 have access to a gym. I'm grateful that I have access to good food. Okay. So that's part a part B

00:57:18.700 is now, what are you going to do today to honor the gratitude that you have? So if you say you're

00:57:25.900 grateful for your health, but you eat like a pig the rest of the day, are you really that grateful

00:57:30.660 for what you have, or are you sabotaging what could otherwise be? Because if you were really

00:57:35.600 grateful for it, you would feel your body correctly today. You would go work out today. You would drink

00:57:41.780 a lot of water. You would go on a walk and get your steps in. You would not have the poison that

00:57:47.120 you put into your body on other days. If you were truly grateful for it, that's what you would do

00:57:51.960 because the things that we love, we take care of. We invest, we pour into them. We give it our time

00:57:58.680 and attention and energy. That's people and that's things that's experiences. And so you can look at

00:58:02.900 a person's calendar and say, you say X, Y, and Z is important, but your calendar says A, B, and C is

00:58:08.640 important. So what are you actually grateful? Not the things that you say you're grateful for the

00:58:13.720 things that you're actually investing in. So I don't, I don't buy into the whole, like, just write

00:58:18.520 down three things you're grateful for. No, focus on something today. Move to action with them. Do it.

00:58:23.860 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love that. You know, the other thing that comes to mind too, is I have a

00:58:29.640 tendency. I think that we focus on what we want. It's very self-centered, right? We're just focusing

00:58:37.020 on us. And so maybe another strategy here for, for a Gundy is just, what are you about? What's

00:58:43.860 important above and beyond materialistic items and what you want? What's important to you? What

00:58:50.180 problem are you taking on? How are you serving others? And we might focus our attention there

00:58:55.280 to your point, Ryan. And that's our focus is service. And I think as, as we do that, we'll

00:59:02.020 think a little bit less about ourselves and, and our materialistic items that we want and

00:59:08.140 focus on someone else that needs, needs us, our services and, or our abundance.

00:59:14.700 Well, you know, what's interesting about this Kip is the second part of that question was how 0.85

00:59:18.600 do we be grateful for what we have with still the desire, the ambition or something for more?

00:59:24.560 I can't exactly remember how you phrased it for growth mindset. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we just

00:59:28.340 answered it. Being grateful with accompanied action is growth. Yeah. Being grateful for what

00:59:36.720 you have, but choosing to look outwards to serve other people or to create a mission or to serve

00:59:42.040 a higher calling is by definition growth. So I don't think there, because oftentimes we look

00:59:47.660 at it and we think there are two different things. Oh, how could I be? Cause you hear this all the

00:59:50.640 time. Complacent, but you know, the difference between being complacent, but being, uh, wanting

00:59:57.880 more. Yeah. They, they can go together. They're not at odds with each other. Right. I can be satisfied

01:00:04.560 with what I have and desire bigger and better and greater in my life. Maybe not the physical realm,

01:00:11.840 but the way that I show up and the way I perform. Yeah. I love it. Well, in the book gap and gain,

01:00:18.340 like it's a little bit of a different twist of the subject, but what I appreciate that book focuses on

01:00:23.960 is that when we constantly operate in the gap of what we don't have constantly in the gap of where

01:00:31.060 we're not performing, it's, it's actually a subpar way of accomplishing things. And you're miserable

01:00:39.200 the whole time. So it's not just like, Hey, let's not be jealous and let's not focus on these things.

01:00:46.120 It's also not effective. And that's a great book to help you understand in what area, in what areas

01:00:53.540 focusing on the gap does not serve you and or others. So, you know, a resource for you got three

01:00:59.400 to, to look at as well. There's one other thing I was going to say before we wrap it up today,

01:01:03.900 Kip, um, Paul was asking about disciplining and at what age with young men, there was another question.

01:01:08.880 I'm not sure if it was in the iron council or Facebook that somebody had asked, what are good

01:01:13.020 books for raising boys and leadership and, and getting them in the right direction. And I want

01:01:19.720 to answer that a little bit more in depth next week, cause I have some thoughts outside of books.

01:01:23.200 So I have some thoughts on that, but if you are looking for a good book, and I think this would

01:01:27.020 apply to Paul as well, raising a modern day night is a really good book for, um, raising young men,

01:01:33.340 bringing discipline and structure and guidance into their lives. So Paul, that might be something that

01:01:37.320 applies to you as well. Raising a modern day night. Cool. And then we'll, we'll pin that

01:01:42.260 question. Yeah, let's pin that one. I got some thoughts on that. We'll jump into that one.

01:01:45.460 Okay. Yeah. Sounds great, man. Well, as always, uh, connect with us, you know, uh, or band with us,

01:01:51.540 if you want to use that term, right. Whether it's connecting on YouTube or following Ryan on X and

01:01:56.560 Instagram at Ryan Mickler, or even joining the Facebook group, facebook.com slash group slash order of

01:02:02.480 man, um, that keeps us growing. All right. And the order of man movement, uh, making a difference

01:02:08.580 in men's lives. So, uh, connect with us. Excellent. All right, guys. Appreciate the great questions

01:02:14.360 today. We will be back on Friday. I'm going to do that, uh, boundaries conversation this Friday. So

01:02:18.500 look out for that. Make sure you subscribe, leave your rating review. That goes a long way as well.

01:02:22.800 We'll be back then until then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:02:27.120 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:02:32.480 the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - January 28, 2026

Establishing Boundaries, Physical Touch Between Men, and Overcoming Jealousy ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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