Establishing Boundaries, Physical Touch Between Men, and Overcoming Jealousy ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 2 minutes
Words per Minute
188.0699
Summary
We are not obligated to be in relationships where there is not some metric of reciprocity. It doesn t mean that you are equally contributing. It means that what you are getting is valuable to you the same way that what she is getting is valued to her. And if you don't have a boundary of reciprocation, it only leads to resentment, contention, bitterness, and animosity because you are doing everything and they are not doing anything. So you better start identifying it.
Transcript
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We are not obligated to be in relationships where there's not some metric of reciprocity.
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It doesn't mean that you're equally contributing. It means that what you're getting is valuable
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the same way as what she is getting is valuable to her. And I'll tell you why this is important.
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Because if you don't have a boundary of reciprocity, it only leads to resentment,
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contention, bitterness, and animosity. Because you're doing everything and they're not doing
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anything. So you better start identifying it. It's the boundary of reciprocity.
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Kip, what's up, man? Good to see you this weekend. Did you have a good weekend?
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Dude, small town Utah. I went to Monroe, went to the Hot Springs, hung out with Mr. Matt Jenkins
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and his family. That was our mini adventure for January.
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They just commercialized the Hot Springs down here. There's some Hot Springs in Leverkin and
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a company bought the property. It was on private property. It was privately owned. And then a
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company bought it and they turned it into Zion River Hot Springs or something. And it's supposed
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to be really cool. But I'm like, man, I used to, I remember hopping the fence and sneaking into the
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Hot Springs when it was just the Hot Springs. And now it's got spas and jacuzzis. It's all
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commercialized. I'm like, oh man, ruined that one.
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Yeah. There's something to be said for the old days, right? Like even these Hot Springs
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in Monroe, there's ones that are like man-built pools. It's just dirt. You just plop in there
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and cook like a lobster and it's good times. There's something to be said for that. I miss
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I think so too. There was a place just about 30 minutes south of me called Little Jamaica.
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And it was a little, a little spring well pond type thing. And it was on somebody's private
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property. So we had to, you know, sneak into there and like walk two miles to get to it.
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And we always brought our girlfriends or whoever we were interested in at the time down there
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and snuck in and then they blocked it all off. And I'm like, ah, this is not fun anymore.
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Like just, it used to be way cooler, but you know, everybody says, every generation says that.
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So there's a lot of good things, but also some things that I wish they'd bring back.
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Yeah. I think it's, I think it's different because of social media. You and I, we know this
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from being in rural Utah, that there are gems, hidden things that you would never know about
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unless you lived in the town and someone happened to tell you about it. Like I know of some caves,
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like for instance, out by Kanab that has a pond inside the cave.
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Really? And I, yes. And it's crazy. It's this cave. And then all of a sudden there's this what
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it's creepy as ever. Mark my word. It's on social media. People know about it. Why? Because someone
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posted this amazing thing on their Instagram and now it's a tourist attraction. Yeah. And it's just
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like, it just, I don't know. It's kind of sad that, that there's no hidden gems. It's all known
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to everybody. And then it gets overran. I never really considered that. Yeah. I never considered that,
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but it is interesting. I was talking with, I went to a charity event, uh, for, um, Apogee with,
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um, or excuse me. Yeah. Apogee, uh, with Matt Boudreau. And I was sitting with boss rootin of all
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people. And it was so cool. I mean, the guy's a killer and his wife, she was lovely. And we were
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having a conversation and I can't remember, are they from Denmark or Finland? I can't remember,
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but, uh, they were talking about, or might be Holland. I don't know. Anyways, um, nothing
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exists outside of the U S we're, we're so ignorant as, as Americans. We don't know anything outside of
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the U S but regardless, she was talking about how it used to be such a great place, but it's just
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overrun with tourists now. And she can't do anything she used to do because there's so much tourism.
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And on one hand I see it, I'm like, well, I'd like to go there. And then on the other hand,
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as a local, it's like, yeah, I get what you're saying though. So it's a weird dynamic, but it is
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what it is, man. But yeah, social media is so wonderful in so many ways, but it's really,
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it's really hurt us in a lot of ways too. I think. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Did you
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catch any of the fights? Hold on. I want to talk fights for a minute. Did you catch any of the
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fights this weekend? I didn't watch the fights because I was, you know, doing the little vacation
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with the family, but I, I did see the highlights from Gaethje and, and Oh man, Patty, Patty dude.
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Dude, iron chin. It was, I saw a meme just the other day or this morning or something,
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and it had Patty with a, literally a chin made of iron. And then it had Gaethje with his arms and
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forearms and fists made of iron. And it's like, who wins this fight? Obviously we know who won,
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but I was impressed. It's amazing that in Patty's situation that he could lose the fight,
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but his stock will go up a hundred percent. His stock's going to go up. And I don't understand that
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the, the vitriol and the hate online about like, Oh, he got his butt kicked and he's such a loser.
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I'm like, what are you talking? He went, he went toe to toe for five rounds with arguably the most
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violent man in the UFC today, maybe of all time. That might be a stretch, but it was incredible that
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he stood in there. He went toe to toe with him. He took his licks. He got banged up. He got beat up.
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He didn't get knocked out, went to the scorecard, man. I was super impressed with that.
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Did it back down, kept fighting. Most people would crumble, crumble under that suffering.
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And he kept fighting the entire time to your point, hats off to him. Like you respect a man
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that fights like that. Never gave up. And Gaethje too. The oldest, what is he? The oldest,
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uh, what, what, what weight do they, I don't know what weight they fight at, but the oldest,
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I think they're Walter weights. Walter weights. Yeah. Yeah. The oldest in his division to win
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the title. So hats off. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah. 37 years old, 37 or 38. Um, and then
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I got watching on cause UFC is on paramount now. So I got watching some older fights in between
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literally watching paint dry on my canoe, not pain. I'm not painting it. So just know that,
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but varnish dry. Um, and I was watching the 2010s, I think. And there was a ton of fights from George
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St. Pierre, which I didn't really watch much in there, but he is unbelievable. Dude, unbelievable.
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And then, you know who, this is going to be blasphemous for a lot of guys right now. And then
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we'll get to questions. Yeah. I don't even know if I dare say this. I'm going to get roast on this.
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Dude, Chuck Liddell is so boring to watch fight. Yeah. He is so boring. Like, Hey,
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he's got his Hail Mary. Right. Hail Mary. Right. He's got, he's got just incredible power and he just
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needs one. He's, he ranks right up there with a Derek Lewis to me. That guy is so boring to watch.
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And look, I'm not being a critic as far as his fighting capacity. I'm being a critic as far as
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his entertainment capacity. Those guys just do not know how to entertain except for if they get one
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good heavy hit on a well-known guy and drop them. So Derek Lewis lost Chuck Liddell. I was like,
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you have to watch like 20 minutes of boredom for five seconds of excitement. But I think the UFC
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has changed a lot too. And I wonder how they're going to, um, I actually wonder how they're going to
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evolve with our limited attention span. You know, like you think about with baseball, it's like,
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do they bring the fences in to make more home runs with like, do they change the rule? I almost think
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if you see fighters that aren't engaged, it's like, Hey, you lose a point. Like we're, we're taking a
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point. I actually wish they were a little bit more liberal with taking points away from people.
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Even with Patty, he got poked in the eye hard twice and he didn't get a point deducted or
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Gates. You didn't get a point deducted. I'm like, you not think that's going to affect the fight.
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There needs to be consequences for violating the rules. If you don't have a consequence,
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there's no reason not to do that. Yeah, it's totally well. And this is why the, the matchmaking
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is so critical. You don't think UFC is adjusting matchmaking based upon level of excitement,
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not just merit. Of course they are. Of course they are. My fear is that they've oversaturated.
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There's so many fight cards all the time. Like back in the day, it wasn't long ago, five years
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ago where it was like fight night. It was a legit thing. We have fight night. Let's watch this
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because they only happen every so often. And now it's like fight night every weekend. And now it's
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like, and there's so many fighters that it's even hard to follow and know everybody as like you once
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used to, I don't know. A part of me feels like it's even a little, they've oversaturated themselves
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and there's not, it's not as special as it used to be, but we'll see. Podcast GSP. Oh man. I love
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GSP, man. I know he's, I know he's a favorite of yours, but man, anyways. All right. Everybody
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that's bored now that didn't want to hear about the UFC. We got that out of the way. Hopefully you
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fast forwarded if you weren't interested in our commentary, but let's get to some real questions
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today. All right. So we're going to field questions from the iron council, learn more
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order of man.com slash iron council, Aiden Corey Corio. I'm a young adult and I've noticed that
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around authority figures, I tend to become passive and less intentional with my time. But when I'm on
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my own, I'm far more productive and aware. How does someone at this stage of life learn to truly take
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ownership of their time, regardless of who's around them? Dude, let me just say this really
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quick before you jump in, Ryan, I can relate to this. I remember these days being in my early twenties,
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kind of being in, in leadership roles around older people. And I remember it kind of
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messed with me a little bit when I was younger. I don't know. So I, I just relate, I can relate to
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this totally. Yeah. I mean, I, I think it's, I think it's valid. I actually don't know that it's
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entirely a bad thing either. Uh, we, we live in this world today where it's like, I'm on the alpha.
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I need to assert myself. I need, no, maybe there's a time where we can just go back to just
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younger people, just sitting down and shutting up, listening, paying attention and observing and
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getting, getting some wisdom from our elders. So I, I'm not even sure that this is a bad thing.
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I was in the same boat when I was 20 years old and 25 years old, when I was 20, you know, in the
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military, uh, learning from my first Sergeant and you know, my, my, uh, our, our section chief,
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like I didn't, I didn't assert myself. I was assertive in what he asked me to do,
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but I didn't assert my leadership into whatever it is I was doing. I showed up, I performed well.
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I did what people asked me. I took it to the nth degree. I asked good questions and I did my job
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well, as well as I could. I think that's the answer. Yeah. I, I, I really don't think that we
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need to grow up so fast, so to speak. But again, we're getting into social media where everybody
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has a business. Everybody has a side hustle. Everybody has a podcast. Everybody has something
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to say. Everybody has an opinion. Maybe we ought to go back to where not everybody has an opinion
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on everything. You can have an opinion on something that you're qualified to give your opinion on and
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the rest of it, just sit and learn. I think there's a lot to that. So I, I, I, I'm kind of taking it a
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different direction and, and saying, yeah, cool. Embrace it. Hopefully you've got a good boss,
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a good leader who cares about you, who's willing to impart his wisdom, sit and listen and learn and
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observe and be curious and ask good questions and let the thing mature over time. It will.
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Yeah. No, I love it. I mean, even now I look for opportunities to be a good soldier.
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Yeah. Like I don't have to be in control. You know, if, if someone's taken the reins of a
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current circumstance and I see like they're leading well, I'd be like, what do you need next boss? And
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I'll, I'll be a great worker bee and get stuff done. And there's something to be said for that,
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right? We're humble. We're like, Hey, what's, what's this about? Is it about me propping myself up or is
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it about getting the job done? Hey, they're leading from the front. I'm going to be assertive.
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What's with, with what's being asked of me. I'm going to do it. Well, they can lead. I'm okay with
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that. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's a really big distinction here between passivity and assertiveness.
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And I'm not sure with Aiden where exactly he sits on that line, because look, you can be passive
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meaning. And when I think of passivity in this situation, I think about dereliction of duty.
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I think somebody has asked you to do something and you're like, I don't know, maybe somebody else
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will do it. That's what I would consider passivity in this situation. I don't think you're being
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passive by taking direction, insight, ideas, concepts, directives, and doing it to the best of
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your ability. I would not consider that passivity. Now, if you're in a situation where you have a good
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idea or you have a thought that you'd like to share with somebody in a position of authority
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above you, maybe the way to transition into sharing those ideas is to ask questions. So Kip,
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if you're an authority figure in my life and I'm feeling awkward about just asserting my ideas into
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the mix, I might come to you and say, Hey Kip, I was doing the thing that you asked me to do. And it
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seems to be going pretty well, but I got hung up on this one thing. And I had this thought,
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what if we did it this way? And I'm sure it's already been thought of, but I'm actually more
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just curious if it hasn't, should we try it? And if it has, why don't we do it that way out of
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curiosity? And that might be a really good way for you to assert your own ideas without it coming
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across to yourself as being directive or putting yourself into a situation you don't feel like you
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belong. It might take the edge off a bit. Totally. Totally. You know, when I read this question,
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we just have to cover it really quick, right? I mean, if he's around authority figures and stuff's
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not getting done and you have a job to do, and they're just all like being lazy, you know what I
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mean? And not getting things done that needs to get done, then absolutely like, Hey guys, you know,
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you don't have to be a argumentative, but Hey, I want to, you know, what do you want me to work on next?
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Like be own your world still. You don't necessarily have to lead the group, but be careful also not
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to. And cause we might have some authority figures that are, are, they're being passive. They're not
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owning the situation. They're not working hard or whatever. Also don't use that as an excuse to do
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the same thing just because the boss is sitting around chit chatting. That doesn't mean that you
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should. So be assertive with that and ask for direction and guidance. I had this really interesting
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scenario. This was probably gosh, 20, 23 years ago now at this point, maybe. And I was working at
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buckle. That's my background is retail management. So I was working at buckle clothing store and we were
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opening a new store in Orem and the store was getting put together, but somebody had taken a bar
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off the rack. This was before we even opened, but had taken a bar off the rack and set it on the ground
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because they needed to move a display or something. I can't exactly remember. And one of the, um,
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the leaders, I don't, I don't remember if she was the assistant manager or a shift supervisor or
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something. She came up, I was sitting there talking to the store manager about some things. And she came
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up and she said, Hey, like people keep putting these bar, like somebody put this bar on the ground
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and we can't have that on the ground. And I walked over and I picked the bar up and I put it on the
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table or put it back on the rack. And then I went back and started talking to the manager again,
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like I was. And it's like, I think she might've been a little taken back because I kind of stepped
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around her a little bit. Maybe it made her look a little bit foolish, but the manager was like,
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after she left, she's like, thank you for doing that. Like just being assertive and taking care of
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it. Cause that's one less thing I want to have to worry about. And I know that might seem like a very
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small example, but the more that you can just be assertive within, within parameters, right?
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You don't want to get yourself in trouble or do something that is going to cost the company money,
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but just go handle your shit. And people are going to see that not always, not every time,
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but if you embrace that mentality and you adopt that into who you are over the long haul, you're
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going to win. You were just going to set yourself apart so much more than those people who like to
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ponder and complain and look for problems without solutions. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.
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All right. Brian. So sack, how do you maintain a healthy, um, balance of talking to yourself
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intently and cutting the bullshit with giving yourself grace and understanding? How do you know
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when it's time for the carrot or the stick? The carrot versus the stick is just a process of
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experimentation. Um, it really just comes down to, are you doing it? And I would start with a carrot
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because positivity, I think is better than negativity generally. So I would start with a
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carrot. And if that isn't enough, then I would move to the stick. So what is this going to mean when I
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get done? How is this going to make me feel? What am I going to accomplish? What, how am I going to
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reward myself? What's my family going to think? Like, those are all really carrot driven incentives.
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Well, how much money am I going to make on this? How good am I going to like those types of things.
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And then the carrot is, Hey, if I don't do this, I'm going to let people down or, um, I'm going to
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get fired or, uh, my wife's going to be bothered because I'm not getting work done. You know,
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that's more of the sticks. I would, I would always say carrot first and then move to stick,
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but I use both. It's doesn't matter to me, whatever's going to motivate me to get it done.
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But I will say there's an important thing that you need to understand. And there's a difference
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between excuses and reasons. This is very important that people know this.
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When you're doing negative self-talk, you're usually engaged in excuses, right? It's an excuse is
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it's, it's, it's not finishing the sentence. Hey, this didn't happen period or blaming blame
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shifting, like putting it on other people, but it never, the, the idea never gets carried out
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to finality. And that would be a reason. So a reason would be, Hey, uh, the part of the reason
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my marriage failed is because I did this or I didn't do that. And so that's no longer
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an excuse that becomes a reason. Because now what you say is, therefore I'm going to change
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my behavior. I'm going to learn new skills and tools to improve my life. And so the next
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woman to come into my life is not going to have the experience that the first one did.
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Now it's a reason. And when you start getting into the pity party, you start getting into blaming
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other people, even blaming yourself, the difference between guilt and shame. We could talk about
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that if we need to, then, then you're just bludgeoning yourself over the head with a proverbial
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club. And it's just not going to help you look at the feedback you're receiving, whether
00:19:40.520
it's in romantic relationships, your bank account, the way your body looks, the way you
00:19:44.760
feel and ask yourself, how can I improve? But just look at it as data. It's just data.
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And it's hard when you get into relationships, again, whether it's personal or professional
00:19:57.420
or romantic, where you think, Oh, I just ruined my life. Right. Guys that going through, going
00:20:04.020
through divorce, for example, be like, Oh, my life's over. No, it's not over. It feels like
00:20:08.140
that now. And it's not even to excuse your behavior, but it's not over. You're going to find
00:20:14.520
another woman. You're going to have other opportunities. You're going to have new experiences
00:20:19.020
that were even better in some ways than the previous ones. But if you wallow in your own
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self-pity and you tell yourself how horrible you are and why you're a loser and why you're
00:20:29.020
a screw up and why you can't get anything right and why you're always wrong and why you always
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mess things up, then you'll just continue to do that because you're not examining the root
00:20:40.020
Totally. Yeah. It's, it's interesting. Brian uses the word grace, like giving yourself
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grace. Well, you don't actually have to give yourself grace if you stop the judgment, like
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stop, stop the labels. Right. And I don't think the stick is a label, right? In fact, sometimes
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our labels are even excuses and reasons. Well, I'm a moron. It's like, we almost use that.
00:21:04.420
Oh, I'm a moron as the reason for not making adjustments. It's like, as an excuse, as the
00:21:10.680
excuse. Yeah. As the excuse. So Brian, like stay away from all the labels, like all that
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poison, you know, that's not talking tough with yourself, right? Seek understanding.
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Is it working? Yes or no. Oh, it's not working. What pivots and adjustments should I make?
00:21:25.980
Be curious, understand, move forward. But the minute you go, I'm this, I'm that. I actually,
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you know, I live in the camp where I don't think the poison of shaming and labels on oneself
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serves you ever. Like they may serve you. You like might finish the run because you Brian
00:21:45.380
hate and frustration to prove a point, but you still have that in you. Right? Like, so I,
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I say, let go of the poison, the safe self-labeling, the negative, and just focus on being curious
00:22:00.020
and reality. Is it working? It's not. Okay. It's not working. So you said this, right? Therefore,
00:22:06.100
I am going to, right? And so move to the therefore and keep making pivots and adjustments.
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I like the phrase, and you've probably heard this is I did the best with the tools and information I
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had at the time. And I've used that quite a bit, especially as it related to my alcohol abuse and
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to, um, the, the breakdown of my marriage. And I think a lot of the times people hear that and they
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think, Oh, you're just making excuses for your poor performance. Like you should have known better.
00:22:38.820
And in hindsight, yeah, absolutely. I did it. Or I did know better, but I didn't have the skill set
00:22:47.020
to be able to overcome it. Or I didn't know about the, the, the pain that I was dealing with and
00:22:53.720
suffering with, or I didn't have the discipline. And so people say, well, yeah, that, that makes you
00:22:58.360
weak. Right. Yeah. I was weaker than I am now. Unobjectively true. Like it is, that's absolutely true,
00:23:06.400
but I don't take it as a personal indictment of who I am today because I'm stronger and I'm better
00:23:12.040
and I'm more effective. So I did the best with the information I had is a good phrase. If it's
00:23:18.660
followed up with, but now I have new information and I'm going to be a better version of myself
00:23:24.080
than I was yesterday. And then you figure out what the new information is and you apply it.
00:23:29.860
Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Stick with it, Brian. Stick with it. All right. Matt Matusi,
00:23:36.400
this is really funny. He says, no homo. How do you utilize? No homo? No homo. That's how he starts
00:23:45.280
off the question. No homo. How do you utilize touch in male relationships? Hand on a coworker or a friend's
00:23:52.700
shoulders, greetings with a fist bump. Is there value in bringing deeper connection? I'm not asking
00:23:59.060
about a prolonged invasion of space. Of course. I say do that and stare awkwardly into people's eyes
00:24:06.960
and just absolutely just own it, man. Just own it. Hold your hug a little too long. When you, when you,
00:24:13.540
uh, handshake with somebody, just move your pinky on their wrist. Just, just casually like inside of
00:24:19.940
their palm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Things like that go over really, really well. Try it.
00:24:24.820
Uh, yeah. I actually liked this question a lot because I think touch between men is underutilized.
00:24:32.360
It really is there. We are balls of energy, right? And so that energy gets transferred when
00:24:38.680
you touch somebody, whether it's a woman and it's romantic or a brother and it's a relational or,
00:24:45.580
or a friend and it's platonic, there's energy that gets transferred. And so a really good way to do this.
00:24:51.380
The first thing is do martial arts. I mean, that's, that's the first thing like that, man, when you,
00:24:58.700
when you're wrestling and you're training and you're fighting and you're hitting and you're striking and
00:25:03.180
you're grabbing, it's there, there's just something about the way that like a man grabs you. You know,
00:25:11.700
what's interesting is when I, when I very first started training jujitsu, there was a couple of
00:25:17.860
women who trained in, in our, in, in our camp. And, um, it was always interesting to see the
00:25:24.020
difference between the way a woman grabs you and a man grabs you. Like when a man grabs you, you're
00:25:28.900
like, Oh, this is an entirely different level of strength here. And it was always so interesting,
00:25:34.740
but yeah, I think a lot of energy gets passed into that. And it's a very powerful thing. Um,
00:25:41.100
I think hugs, I think handshakes, even, even secret handshakes, you know, where it's like
00:25:47.560
things like that. Um, I don't think it's that difficult. It just don't make it weird. Right.
00:25:54.840
That's the phrase. Just don't make it weird. Kip, whenever I see you, you know, I come in for a
00:25:59.280
hug. That's not an awkward thing. I give you the double, the double bro back tap and you know,
00:26:04.280
it's good to go. Or occasionally, you know, maybe I'll try to sneak up behind you and put it,
00:26:08.440
put you in a rear naked choke or whatever. Um, even if we're not training jujitsu at the time,
00:26:13.480
but yeah, physical touch between men, hugely, hugely important underutilized, but not really
00:26:18.900
hard to implement if you just embrace it and you don't make it weird. Or if you're really close
00:26:23.260
with friends, absolutely make it weird. If you're sitting on the couch watching fight night,
00:26:27.300
bro, just put your hand on his thigh and just like joke with him. Every once in a while, my two oldest
00:26:31.760
boys, I'll go up to hold their hand and we're walking down the street or in the parking lot.
00:26:35.300
I'll try to hold their hand and they get so mad, but physical touch is huge. Even between men as
00:26:41.880
contrary to popular belief, that might be. It absolutely is. Yeah. Nothing to add, man. It's
00:26:47.420
just bring, you know, his question. Does it bring deeper connection? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:26:54.360
And one of the, one of the examples of this that I think is shows up and I find this fascinating
00:27:00.380
about jujitsu is one, you don't need belts. We could all train Nogi and you, you know,
00:27:09.600
like you can train with someone and you go, Oh, you're a blue belt or you're really good blue belt.
00:27:14.540
You're almost a purple, right? Like it's, it's fascinating to me how feeling someone else's
00:27:20.720
body and how they move, you, you know where their jujitsu is. Here's the other thing that's
00:27:25.080
fascinating. How many times have you trained with someone and you're like, they're having a bad
00:27:30.140
day. There's shit going on at home. There's some pent up frustration and anger happening.
00:27:38.300
And you're like, dude, are you, you doing okay? And no words were ever said for you to know that.
00:27:46.060
Yeah. You don't think there's energy and we're picking up on each other in regards to how our
00:27:50.860
emotional states are without words and only through touch. You absolutely are. And I can't
00:27:57.260
count how many times I've done that. And I know that someone's really dealing with some serious
00:28:01.560
stuff, just how they train. It's crazy. I think there's, it is crazy. And I think you can also
00:28:08.240
tell a lot by, by a man when you have that physical touch, you know, if I, if I go up, let's say for
00:28:13.280
example, I go up and I give a guy I've never met a handshake. I already know a lot about that guy
00:28:18.520
through the handshake. Is he passive? Is he timid? Is he weak? Is he assertive? Is he an
00:28:23.940
asshole? I know if he's an asshole too, cause he grabs your hand, he like shakes your arm. I'm
00:28:27.700
like, I don't like this guy. Why are you doing that? That's ego. You're like, all right, you're
00:28:31.240
a dick. Yeah. Yeah. So I already know a lot about what's going on or the guy who's like overly
00:28:36.240
like flam, not flamboyant, but like overly boisterous. And it's like, dude, what, who are you
00:28:42.180
performing for? I know that's an insecurity issue. So there's a lot you can tell by a man when you
00:28:47.820
give him a handshake or go up and give him a hug or, you know, how he take it's, it's
00:28:52.020
very fascinating, but I love that question. Cause I don't think we've ever been asked that
00:28:55.820
question before. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question. Great question, Matt. All right. Raul
00:29:00.980
Gutierrez at the start of the year, Ryan, you challenged people on the first call to devise
00:29:06.300
a theme for this new year. Are you facing any challenges in integrating this new theme into
00:29:12.000
your lives? You know, I, I changed my, I changed my word. My word was mastery. Everything I did,
00:29:18.500
I wanted to show up powerfully and do it, do it right, do it correctly to the best of my
00:29:22.420
ability. And I still want to do that. I'm not saying I've abandoned that by any means, but
00:29:27.240
I, I had this thought a couple of weeks ago that I needed to create an integrity list. And
00:29:34.140
my integrity list was all of the things that needed to be said and done that I've been meaning
00:29:40.680
to say and do, or I've owed somebody something or whatever. And I came up with a list of about
00:29:46.240
five to 10 things. And the canoe was on there. Um, I owed three or four people an apology,
00:29:51.600
which I've done at this point. A marathon is on the integrity list. And there's a few other
00:29:56.180
things that are, are more private in nature. So I won't share them, but that's really my goal
00:30:00.920
this year is to work through that integrity list and not add anything else to it. Like if I say
00:30:08.800
I'm going to do something, I do it. If I'm going to show up and I'm, and I say, I'm going to be
00:30:12.340
there. Um, if I owe somebody an apology, I'm going to do it quickly. I'm going to try not to owe them
00:30:17.520
an apology in the first place. And so integrity is really my word of the year. And so far I haven't
00:30:26.700
really had any struggle in working through the list. Although parts of it have been difficult,
00:30:33.200
specifically the apologies that I owed to people, those have not been fun, but everybody, the three
00:30:40.600
people that I've apologized to actually were not surprisingly, but very gracious in their response
00:30:48.480
and acceptance of my apology. I was, I was actually shocked. It went better than you thought it would
00:30:53.700
way better. Uh, in fact, I was hoping that I wouldn't hear back from the people that I apologized to
00:30:59.940
that would have been better to me than them just like blowing up, but I did it. And the three people
00:31:06.840
I talked to, like I said, very, very gracious, had a good conversation. Haven't followed up since no
00:31:11.640
need to, I don't need to open things up. That's not what I was doing, but I just needed to make amends.
00:31:17.700
I needed to make a repair on my side and I did. And that was amazing. So yeah, integrity is my,
00:31:25.940
my word of the year. I love it. I love it. You know, mine was alignment, like getting aligned
00:31:33.580
with where I was putting my effort, right? Like I think often in life, we have a tendency to
00:31:40.220
be doing one thing or the other in spite of, or because of someone else, right? And we're not
00:31:47.380
really choosing it. We're being compliant or avoidant in some way. And a lot of our actions
00:31:52.740
are really rooted in what other people want versus what we are choosing. And then I went to church on
00:32:00.560
Sunday and we talked about the word temperance. And I was like, maybe that's what I should be
00:32:06.880
focused on. Because I get, you know, I think temperance for me, I just, I get too riled up, man. And I,
00:32:17.040
and I think my kids need a calmer version of me, a funner version of me. And, and I'm not,
00:32:23.660
I'm denying them of that because I'm being too reactionary to circumstance. And I think the
00:32:30.000
circumstances justify my, my mindset, my behaviors, and I need to stop that and show up in spite of
00:32:36.920
them, you know, in a, in a temperate manner that is better supportive of my, my kids and my family.
00:32:42.280
Hmm. Yeah. I like that. I could, I could definitely use some of that as well. There's some,
00:32:48.320
the hard thing is there's so much to focus on. Like, how do you, like, what do you pick? And,
00:32:52.620
and I would say, pick the thing that needs the most work and also pick the thing that will make every
00:32:58.480
other factor better. Yeah. You being, I think that's great. You having temperance in the way that
00:33:04.300
you approach your children is going to be more in alignment with who you are as a human being,
00:33:08.380
right? Yeah. Yeah. Me being in integrity is going to help me be more of a master when it comes to
00:33:15.200
podcasting or even my morning routine or raising my kids. So pick the thing that's going to cover
00:33:22.780
the most broad aspects of your life and how you want to show up. Totally. Well, and in the iron
00:33:27.540
council, right this month, we're, we're getting close to wrapping up the subject, right around
00:33:31.720
effortlessness. And you can't help, but like, think, man, what kind of energy am I, um, gaining
00:33:40.360
right through alignment with integrity? How much energy am I gaining through having, being temperate,
00:33:48.020
having temperance in my relationships and being more calm. Right. And, and these are ways that we
00:33:52.720
can just show up more powerfully in other areas of our life. When we have these areas of alignment,
00:33:57.600
whether alignment and integrity or alignment with our mindset and how we're reacting to
00:34:03.100
circumstance. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Good. Cool. Yeah. All right. Tommy Arnhart, uh, please cease.
00:34:14.200
Okay. Hold on. Yeah. Uh, I don't know what he's talking about. I'll read it. Maybe you,
00:34:20.980
you know, Ryan, please see comments made on your list of boundaries and comment on the,
00:34:26.740
Oh, uh, risk up reciprocity. Yeah. Uh, a, a smell, a smell, a series and I'm here for it. I don't
00:34:35.460
know. I don't, did you, I know you made a post or something. Okay. Yeah. I made a post in the iron
00:34:42.220
council about boundaries because, um, I think it's important. We talk about boundaries. Like
00:34:50.100
so many people address the concept of boundaries, but nobody ever gets into the weeds of it. You know,
00:34:55.740
everybody's like, Oh, you can have boundaries, have boundaries, have boundaries, have boundaries.
00:34:58.580
It's like, cool. Like what? You're like, I just boundaries. You just, just have them. It's like,
00:35:02.340
yeah, but, but like, what would be a boundary? Just like the way people treat you. Like, okay,
00:35:08.220
can we get specific? Can we get tactical here? Can we get down to the, to the, to the, you know,
00:35:14.220
nitty gritty so I can actually know what the heck you're talking about when you say boundaries.
00:35:17.880
And so I, I, over the past couple of months have thought about eight boundaries that apply broadly
00:35:22.920
to personal relationships, professional relationships, and romantic relationships.
00:35:29.720
And, and it's interesting because as I was going through these boundaries, it's interesting that
00:35:33.400
they apply to all three of those categories and I won't go through them all. Maybe I'll do,
00:35:37.640
you know what? I'll do a Friday field notes this week on all eight boundaries that I've identified.
00:35:41.220
But the first one that I brought up was reciprocity. And this one seemed to be the most controversial
00:35:45.960
deal. And the idea, and I've got it here because I've been journaling for about three weeks now,
00:35:50.280
every day for three weeks. So here it is right here. And I wrote this down in my journal. I said,
00:35:54.460
there's a boundary of reciprocity. So I do not invest more time than I'm, excuse me,
00:35:59.140
more than I am receiving for more than a short, explicit window.
00:36:07.300
So there was a lot of people that had problems with that because there was, there was some,
00:36:12.000
there was a couple of things that got brought up. Number one was, well, that's not very Christian.
00:36:15.480
And what about people who you want to help, but can't do anything for you? I'm like, okay,
00:36:20.820
I wouldn't lump that into personal, professional, or romantic relationships. That's charitable work.
00:36:25.840
Like I wouldn't consider mowing the widowed woman's lawn next door as an investment of my time without
00:36:33.440
any level of reciprocity. I don't need anything or even desire something in exchange for me mowing her
00:36:40.060
lawn. Cause I'm just being a charitable person, but that's clearly not what I'm talking about. I'm
00:36:44.640
talking about long-term personal relationships that you have with people. Yeah. Where the other one
00:36:51.820
commitment between the two individuals is what you're talking about. Of course. Yeah, of course.
00:36:56.780
And the other, the other thing that people, uh, had mentioned was that at times you do,
00:37:03.800
even in those relationships, you do need to lift other people up. You know, there might be a time in,
00:37:09.680
in your romantic relationship where she's having a difficult time, maybe a loss of a loved one.
00:37:15.860
Maybe she's dealing with a health issue. Maybe she's got postpartum. I mean, there's all sorts
00:37:19.640
of things that come just like we have issues in relationships. And there might be times where
00:37:24.660
you need to carry the weight of the relationship for, for a season. And of course, I'm not saying that
00:37:31.040
this is a hard and fast rule, but it is a boundary. And I think it's really, really important that
00:37:37.420
everybody establish something like this. Now you might use a different word. You might use different
00:37:42.920
verbiage, but whatever you need to change it to, to make it an easier pill to swallow, definitely do
00:37:49.520
it. Um, I had one guy say, well, that just sounds really transactional. Well, yeah, all relationships
00:37:56.560
are transactional. That doesn't mean they're impersonal necessarily, but I asked this gentleman,
00:38:02.340
I said, would you go to work if your boss didn't pay you? How long would you stay in a relationship
00:38:07.840
where you poured everything into it, but she didn't give anything in return? If you had a business
00:38:12.460
partner and he was collecting half of the income and revenue, but he was doing none of the work,
00:38:16.940
how long before you ousted him from the company? I think we get this really weird, soft, fuzzy
00:38:23.600
feelings about like, it shouldn't be transactional. Of course it is. Why wouldn't you be in a
00:38:28.560
relationship where you're not getting something out of the relationship? Even if it is a romantic
00:38:33.720
relationship, that's not, that's not a bad thing. It should be reciprocal in a relationship. Let's talk
00:38:41.740
about romantic. For example, it might be that you're the protector, the provider, you lead the family,
00:38:47.940
you make decisions, you plan things, you bring the structure as GS Youngblood would say, you bring
00:38:54.480
the structure to the relationship. And in exchange for that, she brings nurturing and support and
00:39:02.660
insight and beauty and loveliness. If she doesn't bring that to the relationship and you're just
00:39:09.900
providing structure, how long are you going to, how long is that relationship going to last?
00:39:14.900
Conversely, if she's bringing nurturing and support and love and empathy, and you're not doing
00:39:19.860
anything, how long is she going to stick around with you? We are not obligated to be in relationships
00:39:25.500
where there's not some metric of reciprocity. It doesn't mean that you're equally contributing.
00:39:30.640
It means that what you're getting is valuable the same way as what she is getting is valuable to her.
00:39:38.080
And so I think it's really, really important. And I'll tell you why this is important.
00:39:41.280
Because if you don't have a boundary of reciprocity,
00:39:45.420
it only leads to resentment, contention, bitterness, and animosity. Because you're doing everything
00:39:57.600
and they're not doing anything. And all of us have said that before. And that means that a
00:40:04.080
imaginary boundary you have not identified yet has been crossed. So you better start identifying it.
00:40:12.260
What's awesome about this, just to drive this thought home, you'll love this. In corporate,
00:40:23.780
Is the transfer of value between me and employer equitable? Now, here's a crazy statistic. You can
00:40:31.280
grab the statistic in the work environment and we can play and pretend to apply it to personal
00:40:36.900
relationships. And then we vet this out to see how this works out really well for us. So in the event
00:40:42.740
that value is not equitable to between employee and employer, 83% of those employees, guess what they do?
00:40:51.840
They don't quit. They reduce effort to match the equity they're receiving.
00:41:01.860
They go, Oh, you know what? Got it. You're not going to value me. Guess what? I'm going to value my role less.
00:41:07.660
I'm going to give you less. And it's not far Ryan, right? You just look at our natural human
00:41:13.660
tendencies to do what in a relationship where someone's not pouring into you, you stop pouring
00:41:18.320
into them. You go, okay, got it. I'm going to reduce what I'm giving you because I'm not getting
00:41:23.260
what I think I deserve. That is what most people do when it's not equitable. And then your top
00:41:30.540
performers, which is your 17%, they just go to market right away. Cause they're like, well,
00:41:35.220
well, I'll just go somewhere else where I'm highly valued. And then they just leave.
00:41:39.160
Those are, there's no other percentage. There's no percentage where the person sticks around and
00:41:43.160
does amazing work for an extended period of time in spite of them being valued. Nope.
00:41:55.020
I think it's, I think it's really simple. Like, and look, you know, when I made that post and the
00:41:59.940
iron council guys were like, well, you know, sometimes you want to stick around and you owe people this
00:42:03.520
and that. I'm like, yeah, of course there's seasons. And yeah, right. What I said does not
00:42:07.960
override that. Um, I, I would never be in any sort of relationship again, personal, professional,
00:42:14.260
romantic, where if a boundary was crossed, I didn't tell the person, Hey, I don't like that.
00:42:19.460
And here's why. And here's what I expect and allow them to, that's my first, I want to be in that
00:42:25.900
relationship. I want to be in that business partnership. I want to be working at that company.
00:42:30.620
I would rather it be good for all of us, but this is what it's going to take for it to be good.
00:42:37.060
So just because I have a boundary and I've, and I've written it. So, so matter of fact,
00:42:43.580
doesn't mean that I don't, I shouldn't communicate my boundaries that I just ought to excommunicate
00:42:49.140
anybody who steps over the first time without me even telling them about it or communicating it
00:42:54.420
effectively. I mean, sure. We can have some grace and kindness and empathy, but you better know,
00:42:59.740
look, here's the problem. I think I kind of already alluded this. You're, if you're ever
00:43:06.920
frustrated in a relationship, like maybe you're bothered about something your wife said,
00:43:12.580
uh, then she crossed a boundary that you have, but you don't know what it is.
00:43:18.920
It's going to make you upset. Yeah. Right. But you don't know what, but you don't even know what
00:43:22.300
the boundary is because you haven't even thought about it. Maybe it's a respect boundary. That's one
00:43:26.240
for a lot of guys is like, Hey, I'll be treated with respect. Good. What does that actually look
00:43:29.720
like? And so when she, when it was perceived by you that she's disrespected you, you are bothered
00:43:36.720
about it because she crossed a boundary that has not been identified by you or her yet. So that's
00:43:42.620
the first step. Why does this bother me? Oh, it bothers me because I'm being disrespected.
00:43:47.100
Okay, good. That's a boundary for you. Now let's talk about what respect looks like and what
00:43:53.360
disrespect looks like. And then let's talk with her about it. Look, I'm not the guru on all this
00:43:58.360
stuff, but I do know that I get triggered in the truest sense of the word by people all the time.
00:44:06.160
And when I do, I'm being a lot more aware of, Oh, what's the boundary I have that I have not yet
00:44:12.180
identified or communicated. Yeah. I love that. Well, and what might happen? Hey, here's the boundary.
00:44:19.140
I want respect. Oh, well, if you want that, this is what I need. Okay, great. Now we're having a
00:44:24.540
conversation of alignment. What can I do to ensure I'm getting what I want? And, and then we get into
00:44:30.520
it. You know, we might identify a boundary all to figure out that we need to be showing up a little
00:44:35.700
bit differently. If we expect that from someone else, that's a great thing to flush out.
00:44:43.000
So I'm writing this down. Boundaries make better partners the same way that high fences make great
00:44:48.320
neighbors. The, the woman in your life, guys, please hear me when I say this, unless it's so far
00:44:56.000
gone that, that it's past this point, but overwhelmingly the woman in your life wants to
00:45:03.140
meet your expectations. She wants to serve you. She wants to be a good wife and a good partner to you.
00:45:10.580
And you want to be that to her. You want to meet her expectations. You want to serve her. You want to be a
00:45:17.500
good husband to her. Help me do that. Help me help you. As they say, you can help me be a better
00:45:26.080
husband. If you communicate your needs, wants, desires, and boundaries, and I will help you be a
00:45:31.620
better wife to me by communicating my needs, wants, desires, and boundaries. And then we can all decide,
00:45:36.320
am I willing to operate in that framework or am I not? And those are the only two choices
00:45:41.740
versus unspoken and expectations. And it's not clear. Which just leads to breakups and divorces
00:45:47.400
and business dissolvements anyways. So you're not out anything. Yeah. Might as well be clear,
00:45:53.800
transparent about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. That's good. Good distinction, man. I love that.
00:46:00.020
Paul Dickman, how can men most effectively disciple young men that are not their sons?
00:46:06.500
And at what age would that mentorship be most impactful?
00:46:12.640
I mean, I guess it really depends on the scope of your relationship with them, right? Yeah.
00:46:20.320
If it's a grandson, for example, there's probably a little bit more discipline, a little bit more
00:46:25.680
structure that can take place. If it's a neighborhood kid or maybe even in a coaching situation, you know,
00:46:31.580
you're coaching young men on a sports team, for example, there's a lot of discipline that can go
00:46:36.540
into that because it is a very structured relationship. Um, if it's a, if it's your son's
00:46:45.620
friend, there's no, there's no relational structure there. So it's harder to administer discipline. So
00:46:52.660
what I would say in those situations is to invite those young men into your world and let them see
00:47:02.560
what a good disciplined man does. And then explain that to them. Hey, the reason I did this thing was
00:47:09.700
because X, Y, and Z. Um, we were talking about this before we, before we hit start, there was a
00:47:17.380
woman who was carrying some boxes, um, in the parking lot the other day. And I was just walking
00:47:21.940
into the, into the office and I said, Hey, can I carry those for you? And she's like, Oh no, no,
00:47:29.020
I got them. I really, I don't mind at all. She's like, Oh no, I'm just going to my car. I'm like,
00:47:31.800
Oh cool. So she's like, thank you though. That was so nice. I'm like, you're welcome. And then I
00:47:35.920
went back, I went into the office and like, didn't think another thing of it, but had my son been
00:47:40.500
there, I would have had him do it. I would have said, Hey, can we carry those boxes for you?
00:47:46.700
And she would have, if she would have said, uh, yeah, that would be really helpful. I'd grab it
00:47:51.560
and I'd give it to him and say, here, you carry it. And then he would carry it to the office or her
00:47:56.780
car or wherever. And then we go into our office. And then I would explain why it's important that
00:48:01.700
we show up that way. So now you're letting them participate in what it means to be a good man.
00:48:07.220
And you're inviting them into your world. And then you have to follow it up with explanation.
00:48:11.360
Hey, the reason that we show up this way is because of X, Y, and Z. Um, I remember
00:48:16.560
this was years ago, I went into a local archery shop and I brought a bow in there. It was my
00:48:23.640
first boy I ever bought. And I bought it in Northern Utah and I brought this bow to Southern
00:48:27.480
Utah. And I walked in and I said to the guy, I said, Hey, I'd, I'd really like to get this bow
00:48:33.560
tuned up. I've, I've taken like 50 to a hundred shots. I'd like to get the bow tuned up. And can you
00:48:39.860
help me with that? He's like, where did you buy it? And I said, I bought it in Northern Utah. He's like,
00:48:43.240
where are you from? And I said, I'm from, from here, from the area. He's like, Nope,
00:48:46.480
I'm not going to help you. I'm like, I laughed. I kind of chuckled. He's like, no, I'm serious.
00:48:53.980
I was like, Oh wait, you're not going to tune it up for me. He's like, I'm tired of helping
00:48:58.540
people that buy their equipment somewhere else. And I was like, I don't, I don't think you
00:49:04.040
understand. Like, I'm not asking you to do it for free. Like I'm asking you to do a service
00:49:08.160
that I'll pay for. And then I'll probably buy arrows and releases and other things and
00:49:14.120
introduce people. My next bow I'll buy here. And he's like, Nope, I'm done. I'm not doing
00:49:18.960
that anymore. I'm like, all right. So my oldest son Brecken was with me and he was young. He
00:49:25.740
was probably nine at the time. And we walked out. He's like, dad, that guy was a jerk.
00:49:31.700
And I said, yeah, he was a jerk. How did you feel about that? He's like, I didn't like that.
00:49:36.820
I said, what do you, how do you think we should have handled it? He's like, I just leave,
00:49:41.180
I guess. I'm like, exactly. We just leave. People are free to make their choices. People
00:49:45.460
are free to be jerks. You know, it doesn't impact me too much. I'll just go to the other
00:49:49.040
archery shop and that's fine. And, um, and you know, we, we had a conversation about how
00:49:55.640
he should have handled it and what he should have done and what would have been a better
00:49:59.080
way and what would have been the outcome. And so now this is how mentoring takes place because
00:50:03.500
you're taking real world scenarios that they're part of and you're filling in the gaps that they
00:50:08.260
don't get. All, all a kid might know is like, that guy was an asshole. Like, I don't even like that.
00:50:13.800
Okay. Let's draw that to conclusion. Let's figure that out. Now, funny enough about that story. I was
00:50:19.220
actually introduced to that guy years later and he's been amazing and he does all of my both stuff
00:50:26.280
now, but I don't know, maybe I caught him on a bad day or I don't know. But years later,
00:50:31.320
I started going to him and he's incredible. So kind of a weird, interesting turnaround, but
00:50:35.240
that's the point still stands. Yeah. Yeah. Paul, I mean, what, what age will, it depends on the
00:50:43.440
mentorship that you're giving and what kind of discipleship looks like. And it looks different
00:50:47.700
at five. It looks different at 10. It looks different at 15. And to your point, Ryan, right.
00:50:52.740
We meet them where they are, not just where their hot hobbies and habits are, but also where their
00:50:59.860
maturity is. So I don't know if there's a age, I think it's, are we in a position? And I, this is
00:51:06.740
the part I'd add a relational position. So you can actually coach people. I still, this quote, I think
00:51:13.920
it's from Dale Carnegie. I should probably validate that since I use it all the time, but no one cares
00:51:18.220
about what you have to say until they know how much you care. Well, how do you make sure someone
00:51:22.360
knows that you care? You have a relationship with them. And so what are we doing with the
00:51:29.320
nephews, right? How are we communicating with the junior jazz basketball team and the kids
00:51:34.460
that we're coaching where they feel that they know that you care. And here's the funny thing
00:51:40.960
about care. I find this fascinating. You can care all you want. It doesn't mean they know
00:51:47.200
you might have to pivot and make adjustments on how you're showing up to ensure that people
00:51:54.520
actually know you care. You just carrying in your own is not sufficient. Yeah. So what are we doing
00:52:00.940
in the relationships, right? That these people know that we care. So then that way, when the
00:52:04.820
opportunity does present itself, we have influence with them. Pretty straightforward. Agreed. Yeah.
00:52:13.840
That's a funny bow story. That's hilarious. He didn't establish a boundary apparently around,
00:52:20.340
you have to buy your bow here to be able to have it tuned, you know? I mean, he did right there in
00:52:24.700
the moment. He made it pretty clear. He wasn't going to be working on my bow. I'm like, good. I don't
00:52:28.280
want to pay you money to work on it. Cause I don't like you as much as you don't like me. So
00:52:31.740
yeah, that's funny. I just love the fact that like you have a relationship now and that it's solid,
00:52:37.560
right? It just proves like sometimes we have days and, you know, maybe a little bit slower to judge.
00:52:42.760
Well, and I think there's, I think that's actually a good point, you know, in that story,
00:52:46.780
he could have been having a bad day. Maybe I was having a bad, maybe I said it like a jerk. I don't,
00:52:52.680
I don't know. I don't remember. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Um, so there's two, there's two sides to this.
00:52:58.860
First, I think let's just afford each other a little bit more grace, you know, like I didn't
00:53:03.380
get into a swearing match with him. I was with my son. I'm not going to like yell at him or call him
00:53:07.740
names or swear at him in front of my son. You know, so I just quietly picked up my bow and I
00:53:14.180
said, man, you just lost some business and then left. Uh, so, so there's that, you know, people,
00:53:19.680
people have bad days, give them some grace. The other side of it is just be open to the idea that
00:53:24.700
maybe there's some reconciliation with things in the future and you don't need to burn every bridge
00:53:30.100
that, that ever, you know, slighted you or hurt you in some way. Maybe that comes back around.
00:53:36.160
I don't know if it does. It doesn't matter if it does or does not. What matters is that you act
00:53:41.640
in accordance with the kind of man that you want to be. And the kind of man that I want to be is
00:53:46.500
one who doesn't blow up over nothing. Although I do at times and the kind of man who can afford
00:53:52.560
some grace and forgiveness to others, the same way that I would hope they would afford it to me when
00:53:57.560
I screw up. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's take one more gun D seems like jealousy and the desire for
00:54:06.820
more is rampant. These days, social media certainly doesn't help. What are some strategies to be
00:54:13.020
satisfied with what we have and where we are at while maintaining a growth mindset?
00:54:18.640
Two things come to mind. Number one, think about what you have more often.
00:54:26.960
What, whatever you focus on, that's what gets your attention. So if you're always focused on
00:54:32.820
what I don't have and what I do want and what my neighbors have that I don't have,
00:54:37.160
then there's always going to be a gap and you're always going to feel less than,
00:54:40.900
and you're right. Social media is horrible for this.
00:54:44.740
I want that. I want that. It's like Facebook marketplace, man. I've tagged like 10,000 items
00:54:49.880
of what I want. I know, but you know what? That dirt bike that you want. What about the three that
00:54:55.540
are in your garage already? Yeah, totally. Well, I don't like those anymore. Yeah. Because you don't
00:54:59.700
think about those, you know? And, and, and what if instead of buying a new dirt bike or road bike,
00:55:06.320
I know you've got some older, you know, Honda road bikes. What if instead of buying a new one,
00:55:11.640
you decided, Hey, you know what? I'm going to tune up this old one. I'm going to pay a
00:55:14.580
little bit more attention to the old one. I'm going to put a, put a new seat on this one.
00:55:18.020
Cause the upholstery kind of ripped over the past several decades. And so I'm going to buy a new
00:55:21.920
seat and I'm going to slap a new seat on this. Don't you think number one, that you would appreciate
00:55:26.140
it more. And number two, that you would actually enjoy it more. You write it around, you take better
00:55:31.180
care of it. You get the kids on it because it's, it's where your attention is going. And we live in a
00:55:40.300
throwaway economy where if something's broken or it's lost its luster, or it's not exactly right,
00:55:49.340
or it's not the newest model, or if it does that one really weird, obscure thing that you actually
00:55:53.860
don't need, but somebody has convinced you that you do, that you should just throw away the old
00:55:58.620
thing and get the new thing. I mean, phones is a great example of that. I don't know what iPhone
00:56:03.200
they're on, but mine's probably three and a half years old at this point. It does the same thing.
00:56:07.600
The new one does maybe not like, so maybe not as clear a picture than the newer one,
00:56:15.000
but that's like about it. It doesn't, maybe it doesn't look as cool or sleek as the new one,
00:56:20.060
but that's about it. So I really think that if we just spent more time, structured time,
00:56:25.800
focused time, maybe it's every morning and you write in your journal, I've got my journal here.
00:56:29.460
What am I grateful for? And not just this like hippie dippy bullshit idea of like writing my gratitude
00:56:34.640
journal, three things I'm happy about. That's stupid. I don't buy it. I don't, you know,
00:56:40.620
and people tell you all the time, like write a gratitude journal. No, I'm talking about going
00:56:44.420
in depth. Like instead of writing three things, why don't you focus on one today? So for example,
00:56:50.920
people often say, I'm really grateful for my health. Thank you for my health. Okay. That's a
00:56:57.100
good thing to be grateful for, but like, let's drill down into it. What are you, what are you grateful
00:57:02.280
for? Well, I'm grateful that I don't have any illness or disease. I'm grateful that I'm strong.
00:57:07.160
I'm grateful that my mind is sharp. I'm grateful that I'm fairly intelligent. I'm grateful that I
00:57:11.860
have access to a gym. I'm grateful that I have access to good food. Okay. So that's part a part B
00:57:18.700
is now, what are you going to do today to honor the gratitude that you have? So if you say you're
00:57:25.900
grateful for your health, but you eat like a pig the rest of the day, are you really that grateful
00:57:30.660
for what you have, or are you sabotaging what could otherwise be? Because if you were really
00:57:35.600
grateful for it, you would feel your body correctly today. You would go work out today. You would drink
00:57:41.780
a lot of water. You would go on a walk and get your steps in. You would not have the poison that
00:57:47.120
you put into your body on other days. If you were truly grateful for it, that's what you would do
00:57:51.960
because the things that we love, we take care of. We invest, we pour into them. We give it our time
00:57:58.680
and attention and energy. That's people and that's things that's experiences. And so you can look at
00:58:02.900
a person's calendar and say, you say X, Y, and Z is important, but your calendar says A, B, and C is
00:58:08.640
important. So what are you actually grateful? Not the things that you say you're grateful for the
00:58:13.720
things that you're actually investing in. So I don't, I don't buy into the whole, like, just write
00:58:18.520
down three things you're grateful for. No, focus on something today. Move to action with them. Do it.
00:58:23.860
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love that. You know, the other thing that comes to mind too, is I have a
00:58:29.640
tendency. I think that we focus on what we want. It's very self-centered, right? We're just focusing
00:58:37.020
on us. And so maybe another strategy here for, for a Gundy is just, what are you about? What's
00:58:43.860
important above and beyond materialistic items and what you want? What's important to you? What
00:58:50.180
problem are you taking on? How are you serving others? And we might focus our attention there
00:58:55.280
to your point, Ryan. And that's our focus is service. And I think as, as we do that, we'll
00:59:02.020
think a little bit less about ourselves and, and our materialistic items that we want and
00:59:08.140
focus on someone else that needs, needs us, our services and, or our abundance.
00:59:14.700
Well, you know, what's interesting about this Kip is the second part of that question was how
00:59:18.600
do we be grateful for what we have with still the desire, the ambition or something for more?
00:59:24.560
I can't exactly remember how you phrased it for growth mindset. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we just
00:59:28.340
answered it. Being grateful with accompanied action is growth. Yeah. Being grateful for what
00:59:36.720
you have, but choosing to look outwards to serve other people or to create a mission or to serve
00:59:42.040
a higher calling is by definition growth. So I don't think there, because oftentimes we look
00:59:47.660
at it and we think there are two different things. Oh, how could I be? Cause you hear this all the
00:59:50.640
time. Complacent, but you know, the difference between being complacent, but being, uh, wanting
00:59:57.880
more. Yeah. They, they can go together. They're not at odds with each other. Right. I can be satisfied
01:00:04.560
with what I have and desire bigger and better and greater in my life. Maybe not the physical realm,
01:00:11.840
but the way that I show up and the way I perform. Yeah. I love it. Well, in the book gap and gain,
01:00:18.340
like it's a little bit of a different twist of the subject, but what I appreciate that book focuses on
01:00:23.960
is that when we constantly operate in the gap of what we don't have constantly in the gap of where
01:00:31.060
we're not performing, it's, it's actually a subpar way of accomplishing things. And you're miserable
01:00:39.200
the whole time. So it's not just like, Hey, let's not be jealous and let's not focus on these things.
01:00:46.120
It's also not effective. And that's a great book to help you understand in what area, in what areas
01:00:53.540
focusing on the gap does not serve you and or others. So, you know, a resource for you got three
01:00:59.400
to, to look at as well. There's one other thing I was going to say before we wrap it up today,
01:01:03.900
Kip, um, Paul was asking about disciplining and at what age with young men, there was another question.
01:01:08.880
I'm not sure if it was in the iron council or Facebook that somebody had asked, what are good
01:01:13.020
books for raising boys and leadership and, and getting them in the right direction. And I want
01:01:19.720
to answer that a little bit more in depth next week, cause I have some thoughts outside of books.
01:01:23.200
So I have some thoughts on that, but if you are looking for a good book, and I think this would
01:01:27.020
apply to Paul as well, raising a modern day night is a really good book for, um, raising young men,
01:01:33.340
bringing discipline and structure and guidance into their lives. So Paul, that might be something that
01:01:37.320
applies to you as well. Raising a modern day night. Cool. And then we'll, we'll pin that
01:01:42.260
question. Yeah, let's pin that one. I got some thoughts on that. We'll jump into that one.
01:01:45.460
Okay. Yeah. Sounds great, man. Well, as always, uh, connect with us, you know, uh, or band with us,
01:01:51.540
if you want to use that term, right. Whether it's connecting on YouTube or following Ryan on X and
01:01:56.560
Instagram at Ryan Mickler, or even joining the Facebook group, facebook.com slash group slash order of
01:02:02.480
man, um, that keeps us growing. All right. And the order of man movement, uh, making a difference
01:02:08.580
in men's lives. So, uh, connect with us. Excellent. All right, guys. Appreciate the great questions
01:02:14.360
today. We will be back on Friday. I'm going to do that, uh, boundaries conversation this Friday. So
01:02:18.500
look out for that. Make sure you subscribe, leave your rating review. That goes a long way as well.
01:02:22.800
We'll be back then until then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
01:02:27.120
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
01:02:32.480
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