Order of Man - Exploring Tribalism, Personal Growth, and Strengthening Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 Very rarely is the disagreement actually about you, as in never about you.

00:00:08.160 It might even be something that you're personally doing that she doesn't like.

00:00:11.580 It's still not about you.

00:00:13.460 It's about how she's processing you chewing with your mouth open or using a phrase she

00:00:19.520 doesn't like or even getting home late is not about you.

00:00:23.240 It's about how she feels because she thinks that you don't value the time with the family

00:00:27.820 more than you do time at work.

00:00:31.000 You're a man of action.

00:00:32.700 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:37.080 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:41.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, or strong.

00:00:46.580 This is your life.

00:00:47.680 This is who you are.

00:00:49.040 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:51.700 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:57.740 Kip, what's up, brother?

00:00:58.900 Obviously, I'm in a new background.

00:01:00.240 I was looking at myself on this camera here.

00:01:03.960 Lighting makes me look a whole lot better than I actually – this is more realistic about

00:01:07.800 what I actually look like.

00:01:09.500 Yeah, this is when you're like, let's not publish this app to YouTube.

00:01:14.840 No YouTube on this one.

00:01:16.000 Let's keep this one.

00:01:16.640 Yeah.

00:01:17.060 It's like this is me without my makeup on essentially.

00:01:22.640 I've catfished you guys for all these years.

00:01:24.640 You thought I looked one way and sorry to disappoint.

00:01:27.260 This is how I actually look.

00:01:31.120 What's going on with you, man?

00:01:32.260 Everything good?

00:01:33.320 Yeah.

00:01:33.820 Yeah.

00:01:34.100 Good.

00:01:34.240 I had a good weekend, which is a little bit of my headline.

00:01:38.660 And so I'll kind of wait to share how my weekend was.

00:01:43.040 But why don't you go ahead and kick us off, sir?

00:01:45.120 Yeah.

00:01:45.380 So I don't have a headline.

00:01:47.320 I guess it is a headline.

00:01:48.320 But I – as I told you before we hit record, I am in the Nashville area today.

00:01:53.120 So it's Monday the 9th.

00:01:55.380 And I was invited to Matt Walsh.

00:01:58.740 He's with Daily Wire.

00:02:00.040 But Matt Walsh is premier of his newest documentary, which is I think hitting theaters on Wednesday

00:02:06.300 maybe or later this week.

00:02:08.080 Anyways, he's got a premiere here.

00:02:09.820 I was invited to it, to a special showing.

00:02:11.880 So I'm here doing that.

00:02:13.840 And I – the reason I bring it up is because, I mean, what he does is funny and hilarious

00:02:20.200 and trollery.

00:02:21.800 He's a masterful troller.

00:02:24.140 He's very sarcastic.

00:02:25.460 But I also think that what he's doing is really, really important.

00:02:28.760 With his documentary that he did, What is a Woman, I think was a great documentary.

00:02:34.860 Yeah, it was tongue-in-cheek and it was funny and it was a little bit of mockery about that

00:02:39.460 sort of ideology.

00:02:40.300 But I also think it brings to light a lot of cultural issues that just aren't being

00:02:45.100 discussed in a way that I typically align with and a lot of our listeners align with

00:02:49.920 because everybody's so afraid to touch these topics like transgenderism and, in this case,

00:02:55.040 racism in America.

00:02:56.600 So it's bound to be hilarious and, like I said, masterful trollery.

00:03:02.480 But also I'm really glad that they – Daily Wire in particular has the courage to put money

00:03:09.640 behind these big projects and actually start getting some of these more conservative cultural

00:03:15.180 ideologies out into mainstream because up to this point, it's really been the liberal side

00:03:20.640 of things.

00:03:21.400 And I think dialogue is important.

00:03:23.160 But when the conversation is only happening on one side, that's where the issue comes in.

00:03:27.540 My biggest concern though is that I don't really want to get into sides necessarily, but it's

00:03:36.140 hard for me to imagine that just having a differing opinion is going to be tolerated and acceptable

00:03:45.520 by the party of tolerance and acceptance.

00:03:48.720 That's where I get hung up.

00:03:50.920 You know, if it's tolerant, they'll be tolerant and accepting as long as it meets their narrative

00:03:55.660 and fits their ideology.

00:03:56.860 But the minute it starts to go outside of that window, dude, I've seen so much hostility

00:04:01.380 and nastiness and vitriol towards me even just in the commentary I give, let alone what some

00:04:07.120 of these mainstream figures like Matt Walsh or Jordan Peterson.

00:04:10.680 Anyways, again, I bring it up because I think it's a really good thing to bring in the other

00:04:16.120 side of the discussion and start making it mainstream.

00:04:19.240 Yeah, totally.

00:04:21.040 And the power of tribes, like we have to be mindful of that.

00:04:24.480 You know, I had a conversation over the weekend about how so locked in we get in regards to

00:04:29.720 how our tribe sees something that almost all critical thinking goes out the window because

00:04:35.400 we've outsourced it to the group.

00:04:38.020 And this is part of the problem with politics making everything political is because now it,

00:04:46.540 oh, well, if my political party says that, then now that's my tribe.

00:04:50.220 And now I got to go along to get along versus like, well, no, I disagree.

00:04:54.340 And that's the problem with making everything about politics.

00:04:57.800 It just really creates a lot of polarization because those are, quote unquote, major tribes

00:05:03.500 that a great deal of individuals have associated with.

00:05:06.100 Yeah, I'm actually reading a really good book right now called Tribal.

00:05:10.320 And the subtitle is how the cultural instincts that divide us can actually help bring us together.

00:05:15.640 It's by Michael Morris.

00:05:17.120 So he's coming on the podcast.

00:05:18.920 But this is the kind of thing that you're talking about is when we start to play these

00:05:22.940 identity politics or we meet, you know, certain demographics, whether it's, you know,

00:05:30.180 gay or part of the transgender community or LGBTQ or a certain race or women in general.

00:05:36.100 You start hitting those marks and it's no longer really about the merit of people or the validity

00:05:42.200 of their thoughts.

00:05:43.780 It's it's it's whatever race they are. 0.98

00:05:47.580 It's whatever sexual orientation they are.

00:05:49.380 And that's the most important thing until things go south and things go wrong.

00:05:53.880 Yeah.

00:05:54.360 Yeah, totally.

00:05:55.260 And so I try to fight and we should all push back against even those things that are put on

00:05:59.980 us like I'll even get a reach out of me donating to a political party.

00:06:05.020 I'm like, oh, no, no, you misunderstand.

00:06:06.920 I don't blankedly.

00:06:09.260 Right.

00:06:09.880 Donate to a party.

00:06:11.400 Maybe a candidate.

00:06:12.600 Yeah.

00:06:12.880 Maybe a candidate, but not not to a whole party.

00:06:15.180 Are you joking?

00:06:16.420 Yeah.

00:06:16.940 That's crazy talk.

00:06:18.120 Right.

00:06:18.520 So.

00:06:19.420 Yeah.

00:06:20.000 No, that that that's really important.

00:06:22.020 Well, you know, to the other the older the other thing, I think, is the older I get to

00:06:26.420 realize it's that I'm not so black and white.

00:06:29.280 And I am on a lot of things.

00:06:30.600 You know, anybody who's listened to the podcast for any amount of time knows I take hard line

00:06:35.040 stances.

00:06:35.680 I have my opinions.

00:06:37.260 I'm willing to have them challenged.

00:06:38.820 But to get me to move one side or the other is is pretty challenging, not only because

00:06:44.540 sure, ego is involved, but also I think about these things.

00:06:48.060 You know, I spend time reading about them and studying them and talking with people.

00:06:51.840 But one thing I do want to say is I'm going to actually do a better job in the coming months

00:06:55.280 and moving into next year on bringing some different people onto the podcast that don't

00:07:01.980 always see it the same way that you and I and other people do, because I think it is

00:07:06.320 important if we're going to talk about these challenging subjects, then we should be challenged

00:07:09.860 as well.

00:07:10.760 So that should be interesting, to say the least.

00:07:14.220 Yeah.

00:07:14.740 I like it.

00:07:15.540 I like it.

00:07:16.080 So my headline isn't much of a headline other than maybe a recap of my weekend.

00:07:21.960 And so, as you know, I had a I had a close friend pass away probably about a week ago

00:07:28.160 and he was kind of a older brother in my life.

00:07:30.720 Right.

00:07:31.060 In fact, I don't even remember my life starting without him in it.

00:07:35.900 That's how long he's been around my family ever since I was probably about five years old.

00:07:41.160 And so, anyhow, so James Charles, great, great man, passed away two weeks ago.

00:07:47.200 And and he's he's native.

00:07:49.320 He's a he's a native American.

00:07:50.980 And his funeral is this past weekend.

00:07:52.980 And it was awesome.

00:07:55.860 And it was awesome because on Friday they did what they call a to a midnight scene.

00:08:03.260 And you could Google this if you want to like bird singers.

00:08:06.980 And and so they they sing all night on Friday.

00:08:11.360 Then his services are on Saturday.

00:08:13.460 And right after his funeral services, it's a it's an all night seeing until morning.

00:08:19.800 Wow.

00:08:20.280 And it's a and it's a process of ultimately dealing with his death.

00:08:26.320 But there's some spiritualness to it about trying to encourage his spirit to move on.

00:08:30.820 Right.

00:08:31.980 And and it was just profound to to be there and think, man, here we are going through this process

00:08:40.220 all night long until 6 a.m. in the morning.

00:08:45.200 It started around 4 p.m. in in the afternoon on Saturday.

00:08:49.460 And that was the whole process.

00:08:51.540 Wow.

00:08:52.380 Now, talk about being present with it.

00:08:56.040 Talk about just being fully there and dealing with it.

00:09:02.280 And and I really like I and that was kind of my takeaway, you know, and and when I got up

00:09:07.160 this morning, I read this quote and and and so I want to bastardize it and change it.

00:09:12.760 But the quote is every situation in life is temporary.

00:09:16.200 So when life is good, make sure you enjoy and receive it fully.

00:09:20.360 And when life is not good, remember that it will not last forever and better days are on

00:09:24.720 the way.

00:09:25.300 And although I agree with it, I would almost say it slightly differently in the sense of

00:09:30.040 when life is not good, be present with it, grow from it and also remember that it won't

00:09:38.660 last forever, but we sometimes don't deal with it and and and not that there's even something

00:09:46.460 to deal with.

00:09:47.160 Sometimes it's just being present with it and letting it affect us and and let us evolve

00:09:53.220 and transform and grow from being present with the hardship.

00:09:57.080 And in that I had that wonderful opportunity all night long on on Saturday.

00:10:03.820 And it was it was a good reminder of of sitting with things.

00:10:08.040 Now, that's powerful, Kip.

00:10:09.100 As as you were saying that something came to mind from Rudyard Kipling's poem, If I'm

00:10:16.060 sure you're familiar with it.

00:10:16.980 A lot of people probably are.

00:10:18.920 And I thought this was really poignant based on what you were saying.

00:10:23.940 It says this, if you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming

00:10:28.240 it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their

00:10:33.240 doubting, too.

00:10:34.460 If you can wait and not be tired by waiting or be light about don't deal in lies or being

00:10:39.560 hate hated, don't give way to hating and yet don't look too good nor talk too wise.

00:10:45.440 I'm not going to read the whole thing, but there's some really powerful lessons in here.

00:10:49.760 And specifically for me is realizing that and there's a there's a part in the poem specifically

00:10:56.140 where he talks about not losing your head, you know, when things are going wrong, but

00:11:01.280 also not letting great things go to your head, too.

00:11:04.240 Yeah.

00:11:04.380 And you talked about the bad times won't last.

00:11:07.600 Well, I also think it's really important to know that the good times won't last either.

00:11:10.760 And so in the case of your friend who was with us two weeks ago and who isn't now, I think

00:11:16.560 it's really, really crucial that we remember we're mortals and we live a temporal life and

00:11:22.260 it's going to end the way that we know it today.

00:11:25.000 We have differing views on what might happen in the future and what happens into eternity,

00:11:29.280 but it's this is going to end.

00:11:32.720 And we have, you know, I'm at 43 years old.

00:11:36.140 If I lived a life expectancy, I'm more than halfway through my life.

00:11:39.940 So there's some urgency that should be in that as well.

00:11:43.600 And I think that's really important to understand.

00:11:45.860 Yeah.

00:11:46.380 Yeah, totally.

00:11:47.500 All right.

00:11:48.020 Well, well, I was going to go on a tangent, but let's let's hop into it, man.

00:11:52.240 We got questions from the Iron Council as well as Facebook.

00:11:56.700 Actually, Kip, hold on one second.

00:11:57.840 I did want to share that one line.

00:11:59.700 Sorry, I meant to say that.

00:12:00.620 I did want to share that one line, but it's this.

00:12:02.720 It says, if you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.

00:12:10.400 That's a really, really power meaning like, don't let the stuff, the good stuff go to

00:12:15.080 your head and also don't let the bad stuff go to your head.

00:12:19.160 Find that common ground that when it's bad, you can make it better.

00:12:22.560 When it's good, you need to stay on top of your game because it could very easily go away.

00:12:26.600 Yeah.

00:12:27.100 Yeah, totally.

00:12:27.680 Well, and and talking about the Iron Council, you know, this month we're talking about preparedness

00:12:32.780 and in our in our conversations last week, it was profound.

00:12:37.060 This came up.

00:12:38.000 It's like one of the best ways to get prepared is not to do all these things like get a bunch

00:12:43.820 of food and get these other things.

00:12:44.920 But like, where's your mind?

00:12:47.900 Where's your physical well-being?

00:12:50.000 Those are the most critical things to prepare you for hardship, hardship, and we have a tendency

00:12:56.960 to go hardship and hardship.

00:12:59.220 Totally.

00:13:00.260 We have a tendency to go to the external and not address, you know, the things internally

00:13:05.720 that ultimately determine our ability to deal with hardship.

00:13:08.860 I think I know why that is, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

00:13:12.700 But immediately what comes to mind for me is it's way easier to buy a month's worth of

00:13:18.760 food storage than it is to like search your heart and really figure out where your insecurities

00:13:23.080 lie.

00:13:23.980 Yeah, totally.

00:13:24.800 Or or to actually look and say, I'm really deficient, not in food supply, but I'm really deficient

00:13:29.620 in my physical health because I'm 50 pounds more than I should weigh.

00:13:33.320 It's way easier.

00:13:34.440 And so we fool ourselves into into projecting that we're actually moving the needle and maybe

00:13:40.420 to a degree we are when we physically prepare for things.

00:13:43.800 But there's a lot of room left on the table that we're overlooking because it's not as convenient

00:13:49.200 as just going and buying a new firearm or getting that food storage or putting a security

00:13:54.720 blanket in your truck.

00:13:56.000 All the easy stuff.

00:13:57.140 You know what I mean?

00:13:57.800 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

00:13:59.840 Well, talking about the Iron Council, we have a handful of questions there.

00:14:03.680 So we'll we'll jump over to the IC.

00:14:06.620 Joshua Kusius, what is an area in your life that you have intentions of changing but have

00:14:14.900 not taken action?

00:14:16.700 What unknown is preventing you from taking action?

00:14:19.760 What are you going to do next that you have shed light on this barrier?

00:14:24.500 Yeah, that's a good question.

00:14:26.000 I saw some of these questions come up.

00:14:27.500 I have two that came to mind for me.

00:14:30.440 Number one is in the business realm.

00:14:32.400 A couple of years ago, as I was going through a lot of personal hardships, I stopped doing

00:14:36.760 something in the business that was actually helping drive and produce a lot of results

00:14:40.320 within our movement.

00:14:41.500 And that was physically going to events and meetups and rubbing shoulders and shaking

00:14:46.340 hands with with not only, you know, men who follow the movement, but also other influential

00:14:50.300 people who have maybe their own movements or ancillary or complementary movements of their

00:14:55.340 own. And that's part of the reason I'm here actually this week in Nashville is because

00:15:00.580 I see the importance of that.

00:15:02.180 So that was a big thing that was lacking over the past couple of years.

00:15:05.220 And I made that decision consciously just out of some personal decisions.

00:15:08.700 But I feel like I'm to the point now where it's time to ramp that up again.

00:15:12.160 And I'm really excited about that.

00:15:14.700 But I will say it's something that I actually have to fight really hard to do because naturally

00:15:20.160 I'm fairly introverted.

00:15:22.660 And most people who have a misunderstanding of introversion and extroversion might not know

00:15:28.860 that because what they think is that the extrovert is that boisterous, loud, animated,

00:15:35.100 larger than life character.

00:15:36.180 And he certainly can be.

00:15:38.460 And then the introvert is this shy, domicile, quiet, kind of weakly individual who hides

00:15:44.900 out in the corner.

00:15:46.280 And I don't really fit that mold necessarily.

00:15:48.860 So people think, well, he must not be an introvert.

00:15:50.940 But that's not actually what it is.

00:15:53.460 Introversion is, the best way I heard it described is that everybody has an energy meter.

00:15:59.780 And it's all the same.

00:16:00.920 We all have the same energy meter.

00:16:02.520 An extrovert's energy meter gets filled up very slowly.

00:16:08.740 So it takes time to build up that momentum and that energy, which is why they can sustain

00:16:14.320 it for longer.

00:16:15.500 An introvert is somebody who that energy gets filled up a lot faster.

00:16:20.980 And so there comes a, I've been to so many events where I like went to the bathroom, not

00:16:25.520 because I had to go to the bathroom, but because I'm like, oh, I got to unplug for a minute.

00:16:30.080 Like there's too much going on.

00:16:32.000 There's too many people.

00:16:33.560 And then I go take a break and a breather, and then I can come back and re-engage.

00:16:37.300 So that's actually, when he asked this question, something that I've had to work on and be

00:16:42.360 deliberate of not shelling up, not holding myself up, not, I had this nickname when I

00:16:48.740 was in, I think it was seventh or eighth grade.

00:16:51.180 And this is probably a pivotal moment for me in coming out of that shell a little bit

00:16:54.800 is, um, I would never go spend like time with friends.

00:16:59.280 If they were doing something on Saturday night or they were having a sleepover or whatever

00:17:03.060 it was, I would never go.

00:17:05.280 And I started to pick up the name, the hermit, cause I would never go anywhere.

00:17:10.320 Yeah.

00:17:10.720 Kids are cruel and you know, it leads to results sometimes, but, uh, yeah, that's something

00:17:15.760 I'm working on is not only will it be good for the movement and what we're doing here,

00:17:19.180 but it's also good for me to realize that about myself and then find appropriate ways

00:17:23.280 to deal with it.

00:17:23.920 Cause I mean, networking is a huge part, not just of the business, but life.

00:17:28.380 And if you're not willing to put yourself out there, you're never going to meet interesting

00:17:31.420 people.

00:17:32.100 You're never going to do anything interesting and you're not going to produce in your life

00:17:36.440 the way you otherwise could.

00:17:37.820 Yeah.

00:17:38.960 I see that.

00:17:40.120 You know, one area that I'd say that, um, I need to improve on and take some action is

00:17:45.100 really around the, the work-life balance of, of how much energy I, I have for home far too

00:17:54.940 often.

00:17:55.300 I'm burning out at work.

00:17:57.340 And by the time I come home, I have zero patients.

00:18:01.000 I don't get as many things done around the house that I probably should.

00:18:05.440 And, and I, and my default, the reason why I do this is I chalk it up to like someday.

00:18:11.220 Well, you know, today's the exception today is too busy, but tomorrow and the reality

00:18:17.520 of it is tomorrow's just as bad as today was in the day before worse and it never gets

00:18:23.500 any easier.

00:18:24.180 And so, um, for me, I, I need to balance that better, balance my energy and, and get home

00:18:31.900 and get, get things in order and, and feel content and satisfied with how I'm showing up

00:18:38.200 there and, and far too often I'm, they're getting the, the short end of the stick.

00:18:43.920 So can I call you out a little bit on that?

00:18:46.200 Yeah, for sure.

00:18:47.220 So, so some language that it just kind of, you know, crawls under your skin a little bit

00:18:52.040 that bothers me is this phrase I need to, or I should, or I would like to.

00:19:00.480 And so I, and I know you will just because I know your character and who you are, but I've

00:19:04.740 also heard so many men say that and they're actually tricking their brains.

00:19:10.080 There's, there's, so they'll say like, Oh, I need to read more books.

00:19:12.900 And then they get a little hit of dopamine or whatever that chemical that gets them excited

00:19:16.780 is.

00:19:17.100 And then they actually, their brain starts to process as if they did it.

00:19:21.080 There's a study I saw, uh, one time where you get the same chemical release in your body

00:19:27.140 and the same high of completing, uh, an objective as you do in talking about it with others and

00:19:35.400 completing the objective.

00:19:36.260 So for example, let's say you have a desire to run a marathon.

00:19:39.940 You start posting all that stuff on social media.

00:19:42.620 Everybody's going to like, you're awesome.

00:19:43.840 You're amazing.

00:19:44.580 You're wonderful.

00:19:45.220 You're so inspiring.

00:19:46.360 Yeah.

00:19:46.580 Yeah.

00:19:47.120 And you get that chemical release and you're like, dang, that feels good.

00:19:51.260 That's the same feeling that you get when you actually do it.

00:19:54.400 So it keeps you from actually doing the thing that everybody's telling you you're so inspirational

00:19:58.440 about.

00:19:59.120 So I, I, I do personally try to stay away from try to is another one.

00:20:04.360 Actually, I just said it.

00:20:05.340 Yeah.

00:20:05.640 Try to stay away from, I need to, I should, I'd like to versus what is the actual plan?

00:20:13.340 And that's my question for you is when you say I would like to, or I need to do that.

00:20:17.900 What, how are you going to do that specifically?

00:20:21.040 Yeah.

00:20:21.440 So for me, the first is schedule.

00:20:23.500 So it's not uncommon that I will, Hey, honey, I'm not coming home and coming home tonight

00:20:31.740 until seven 38.

00:20:34.100 I need to stop it.

00:20:35.340 It's like my workday is over when my workday is over and I'm consistent with what time I'm

00:20:40.880 showing up at home.

00:20:41.880 That that's the first one.

00:20:43.600 The one item that I'm already doing this quarter, my battle plan is, is staying off my phone when

00:20:49.200 I'm at home as a distraction.

00:20:51.020 So I can be present with my family.

00:20:53.860 And that's about it.

00:20:54.900 I actually think if I just get home earlier and stop pulling late nights at the office,

00:21:00.140 that's kind of the first step in the process.

00:21:04.160 Isn't that fun?

00:21:05.020 I mean, I completely agree with you, but isn't that funny that you could do one or two things

00:21:09.660 and they'll make a tremendous impact and difference.

00:21:12.660 I think this is, uh, Gary Keller's premise of this book, the one thing and the whole premise

00:21:19.320 is, and I'm paraphrasing here, but what is the one thing that if you did really well would

00:21:25.280 make everything else irrelevant or less important?

00:21:28.600 And so for you, it's getting home at the time you say you're going to get, you're going

00:21:32.480 to get home and putting down the electronics.

00:21:35.340 Those two things will get you 98% of the way there.

00:21:40.080 Isn't that crazy?

00:21:41.060 It is crazy.

00:21:42.080 And that's the case for most of us too.

00:21:44.240 Yeah.

00:21:44.420 Yeah.

00:21:44.640 Oh yeah, for sure.

00:21:45.820 Yeah.

00:21:46.600 So everybody's trying to figure out like, Oh, what's the hack?

00:21:49.940 What's the gimmick?

00:21:50.800 Let me just do this one little trick.

00:21:52.400 Or like when it comes to technology, it's like, let me get this app on my phone that

00:21:57.500 tracks the time and then it shuts it down or it limits apps.

00:22:00.560 I'm like, how about you just have some discipline and make a decision and put your phone on your

00:22:06.140 fricking nightstand and just exercise some willpower and don't go get it.

00:22:10.520 But we're hacking our way to zero results.

00:22:15.820 Yeah.

00:22:16.500 Yeah.

00:22:17.020 And then we're just switching the dependency onto something else.

00:22:20.360 So now, now I got this app that will tell me what to do.

00:22:22.760 It's like, which ironically enough will create more work for you, which actually exacerbates

00:22:29.180 the problem of work-life balance.

00:22:30.800 Yeah.

00:22:31.400 Because now you're doing the app instead of doing the puzzle with your kids.

00:22:35.080 Yeah, totally.

00:22:35.940 All right.

00:22:37.000 Marcus Segura, when experiencing conflict in your romantic relationship, what are three

00:22:42.580 important things to consider or answer of yourself so you can meet your significant other where

00:22:49.200 they are in the conflict, work through the conflict to help with a productive outcome

00:22:54.700 and ensure you are not bringing your own issues into the conflict and worsening it more than

00:22:59.560 necessary.

00:23:00.100 So disclaimer, you know, a lot of people, when I start giving relationship advice, they're

00:23:06.200 like, well, what do you, you know, whatever it is.

00:23:07.980 And yes, I did go through a divorce a couple of years ago and I, but I can still tell you

00:23:11.860 what I did that worked well.

00:23:12.940 And I can also tell you what I did that did not work well at all.

00:23:15.660 And I can tell you what I'm doing now that seems to be working.

00:23:18.500 Yeah.

00:23:18.620 So, uh, there's, there's a couple of things that immediately come to mind.

00:23:22.640 Number one, I'm learning this very rarely is the disagreement actually about you.

00:23:29.500 As in never about you, it might even be something that you're personally doing that she doesn't

00:23:35.960 like.

00:23:36.380 It's still not about you.

00:23:38.160 It's about how she's processing you chewing with your mouth open or using a phrase she

00:23:44.360 doesn't like, or, uh, you know, whatever.

00:23:47.620 Even getting home late is not about you.

00:23:49.940 It's about how she feels because she thinks that you don't value the time with the family

00:23:54.540 more than you do time at work.

00:23:56.000 So it's never personal.

00:23:57.980 And if, if I remember that, that's actually really helpful not to get me heated.

00:24:04.080 Another thing that's been really helpful is acknowledging that my role as a man in the

00:24:10.680 relationship is to create a mental and emotional, secure, safe environment for her.

00:24:19.860 And if I'm lashing out, if I'm using, using harsh language and I've done all of these things,

00:24:27.660 so please don't tell me I like, I don't understand.

00:24:30.260 I've done all these things.

00:24:31.700 But if I use, use harsh language, lash out, act impatient, irrational, erratic, that is

00:24:38.260 not providing a mental and emotionally stable place for her to express herself.

00:24:43.760 Even when it's hard to hear, if you can be level-headed as Rudger Kipling talks about,

00:24:49.500 you're going to create an environment where she feels comfortable having conversations

00:24:53.080 with you.

00:24:53.940 One of the biggest things that I struggled with when I, during, during the late stages

00:24:58.460 of my marriage and into divorce was that I was so frustrated that I felt like I was blindsided,

00:25:04.160 that she didn't talk to me or communicate with me.

00:25:06.640 And, you know, we all have our things to work on.

00:25:08.520 I'll own my part and she can own hers, but that's up to her, not me. 0.99

00:25:11.360 But I also acknowledge that there was times where I didn't create the environment that

00:25:17.040 she felt safe enough to actually give me feedback.

00:25:20.280 And if I would have done that differently, maybe the result would have been different,

00:25:24.080 maybe not, but it's certainly something that I could have done better.

00:25:28.160 And then the third thing is just ask questions to try to figure out some understanding without

00:25:36.080 jumping into resolution.

00:25:37.320 You know, so if, if my girlfriend comes to me with a problem that she's having, whether

00:25:43.080 it's personal or professional, I don't need to solve it.

00:25:46.260 She's smart.

00:25:47.600 She's fully capable.

00:25:49.160 She probably doesn't even need me to solve it.

00:25:51.100 She just needs to vent and get it out of her system or express frustration. 1.00

00:25:54.660 And if I'm the safe place, like, isn't that a cool thing that she feels comfortable enough

00:25:59.440 to come to you to talk about it?

00:26:01.020 And so I've tried to really use language that is not solving problems or invalidating how

00:26:09.500 she might feel about it.

00:26:10.620 It's just, I'm your sounding board.

00:26:13.300 Tell me what you need to tell me.

00:26:15.000 I'll ask questions that are relevant.

00:26:16.740 I'm not going to grill you or make you feel like I'm talking down to you or leading you

00:26:20.740 even because I don't want to lead you anywhere.

00:26:22.460 I'm just asking questions about what you're experiencing.

00:26:25.320 And those three tactics have made a world of difference over the past couple of years.

00:26:30.960 And in my marriage, when I was employing those tactics, it was significantly better than when

00:26:34.900 I wasn't.

00:26:35.780 Yeah.

00:26:36.260 You know, Marcus says something towards the end of his question.

00:26:38.860 He says, to ensure you're not bringing your own issues into the conflict and worsening it.

00:26:45.540 And, and I agree with everything that you said, Ryan, but I want to call this out.

00:26:50.420 You are going to bring your own issues.

00:26:54.260 Absolutely.

00:26:54.740 So don't think that you're going to be able to not.

00:26:57.780 So then how do you deal with that?

00:27:00.240 And it goes back to what you said is being aware that most conflict and frustration is

00:27:06.060 in the interpretation of something else.

00:27:09.820 And so that's how you don't bring your issues is realizing that you're upset probably, or

00:27:15.720 the conflict that you feel in the relationship is in your interpretation of what she's doing,

00:27:22.080 or it's the interpretation that you're quote unquote, have a conflict or something else and

00:27:28.220 be mindful of it and address it as part of the conflict and realize that she's probably 0.82

00:27:34.340 doing the same thing.

00:27:36.820 You know, you know, it's fun.

00:27:38.120 Like, let's take a couple of silly examples that came to mind as you were saying that,

00:27:41.640 because it's going to illustrate if, if it makes sense when it's a silly example, it'll

00:27:45.760 make sense in the big examples.

00:27:47.360 Yeah.

00:27:47.480 So I, I, uh, dated someone at one point that if I, she did not like, if I had a diet Coke

00:27:55.660 every once in a while, I like to have a diet Coke.

00:27:57.360 She just got triggered by it.

00:27:59.000 She hated it.

00:28:00.080 She didn't like the smell of it.

00:28:02.040 Or if I gave her a kiss and she could smell it, she hated it.

00:28:06.280 But it's because an ex of hers who she despises and hates always had diet Coke.

00:28:13.980 And she, it was around all the time.

00:28:15.720 And she associated diet Coke with this guy being a jerk.

00:28:19.980 Yeah.

00:28:20.580 So there's that.

00:28:21.800 Another silly example is have you ever not liked a person because they have the same name

00:28:29.180 as a kid in high school or when you were a kid who you really despised?

00:28:33.540 Of course we all immediately.

00:28:35.380 Like if I had a guy like in, in elementary school and his name was Kip and he like bullied

00:28:41.140 me when I was a kid, the minute I met you, I would think less of you just because your

00:28:47.160 name is Kip.

00:28:47.960 Yeah.

00:28:48.860 That's so you, those are silly examples I know, but if you don't think that you're bringing

00:28:53.660 your own personal baggage into every dynamic of every relationship, you're in left field.

00:28:58.620 You definitely are.

00:29:00.280 Yeah.

00:29:00.960 And, and, and one way that you clarify is if you're upset, period, if you're emotionally

00:29:07.920 charged, most of that's never in the space of logic.

00:29:11.580 Like, oh, I'm so angry because logically we may not be making the right decision.

00:29:16.840 No, you're charged because they don't agree with you and you take it as they don't, they

00:29:23.080 think you're less than, or they don't trust you or something else.

00:29:26.700 It's, if you're upset in any way, it's more likely in your interpretation of what it means

00:29:32.500 about you, period.

00:29:34.760 That's actually a really good litmus test.

00:29:37.500 Cause you know, I can't even remember what it was, but a couple of days ago, I don't,

00:29:43.220 man, I really don't remember what it was, but a couple of days ago, I vividly remember

00:29:46.680 feeling the, the temperature of the blood running through my body rising.

00:29:52.760 Yeah.

00:29:53.740 And I had to get a control of it.

00:29:56.620 Like just relax.

00:29:58.600 What are you upset about?

00:29:59.900 And I can't remember what it is now.

00:30:01.480 So I hope I managed it correctly, but yeah, you know, when you're getting heated and bothered

00:30:06.540 and use that as a signal that maybe I'm taking this personally and Marcus, maybe you're bringing

00:30:12.000 your own baggage and bullshit into something that she actually needs to have a conversation 1.00

00:30:15.960 with you.

00:30:16.220 Yeah.

00:30:16.540 And we can use this same line of thinking to benefit the circumstance.

00:30:21.180 So she's riled up.

00:30:23.140 Got it.

00:30:24.600 So what, what might she be interpreting, interpreting that?

00:30:29.460 I don't value her, that I don't appreciate her, that she's not a priority in my life.

00:30:35.600 Okay.

00:30:36.500 Maybe I need to make sure that she understands that.

00:30:39.500 So that way we can then deal with the logical stuff.

00:30:42.100 Well, and I would say, don't even try to make sure she understands it because you're going

00:30:48.260 to get yourself into trouble.

00:30:49.540 What you're going to start doing is you're going to start manipulating her.

00:30:52.900 Yeah.

00:30:53.620 You're going to use a different tone of voice.

00:30:55.220 You're going to say different things.

00:30:56.400 You're going to try to figure out what she wants you to say.

00:30:58.520 And you're going to try to say that because you're trying to get her to blah, blah, blah,

00:31:00.760 blah, blah.

00:31:01.280 Yeah.

00:31:02.400 Again, just go back to let me understand.

00:31:05.720 And so if you think, oh, she's probably thinking, I think less of her than I would say that.

00:31:09.480 Yeah.

00:31:09.800 Hey, like when I do this, how does that make you feel?

00:31:13.460 Because I'm not sure I understand why that's a problem, but does it make you feel a certain

00:31:17.440 way?

00:31:17.980 And now you're eliciting, you're not trying to figure, like fix anything or you're not

00:31:22.360 trying to manipulate her.

00:31:23.300 You're actually just trying to figure it out.

00:31:25.860 Yeah.

00:31:26.840 Yeah.

00:31:27.260 Which is perfect.

00:31:28.140 And then you can have the more in-depth conversation of her saying, yeah, that does offend me.

00:31:33.480 Yeah.

00:31:34.380 Yeah.

00:31:34.620 And then you can say, oh my gosh, I'm, and here's what I wouldn't do is, well, it doesn't

00:31:39.540 mean that.

00:31:40.000 So just deal with it because that's how most guys won't say that, but that's what most

00:31:45.420 guys will do.

00:31:46.140 They'll say, well, it doesn't mean that babe.

00:31:47.620 So I don't know what the problem is.

00:31:48.780 They'll say something like that.

00:31:49.740 You shouldn't think that.

00:31:50.700 Yeah.

00:31:51.080 Yeah.

00:31:51.440 Or that's, that's silly.

00:31:52.680 Like, no, just say, oh my gosh, I didn't realize that.

00:31:56.360 What, what would be better for me to handle this situation?

00:31:59.160 So you don't feel like that and you know, and you can actually feel the way I actually

00:32:03.100 truly do feel about you and let her solve the problem.

00:32:06.660 You don't need to solve it.

00:32:07.820 She will tell you.

00:32:09.320 Yeah, totally.

00:32:11.160 All right.

00:32:11.840 Joshua Collins.

00:32:13.560 We are talking about preparedness this month in the iron council.

00:32:17.660 Conveniently.

00:32:18.100 I just did the class range time and paperwork submission for my CPL.

00:32:23.740 I've had one in different States in the past and I'm happy to finally get mine in Michigan.

00:32:28.180 How does preparing for safety for yourself and your family show up in your own preparedness?

00:32:34.440 But not as it relates to getting his firearms permit.

00:32:37.380 He's just asking, that's something he's doing, but he's asking what we're doing.

00:32:40.420 Okay.

00:32:40.760 Got it.

00:32:41.580 Yeah.

00:32:42.480 Yeah.

00:32:43.000 Well, we had a really good call on this in the iron council on Friday and some of the

00:32:48.120 recommendations were solid.

00:32:49.740 Uh, one was, uh, family, family meetings every week where there's a family meeting and you're

00:32:55.680 weaving some of these conversations into it.

00:32:58.360 We also talked about making sure that you're teaching your, your kids and your wife, if

00:33:03.360 it applies certain skills that they might not already have.

00:33:06.220 For example, if you're going to go change the oil in your truck, it would probably be a

00:33:09.960 good idea to have one of your kids come participate.

00:33:13.840 And of course, if it's the son, he's going to get his butt chewed out for holding the flashlight

00:33:17.540 wrong and getting you the wrong tool and that's just part of life.

00:33:21.140 It is what it is.

00:33:22.580 Uh, but yeah, teaching them basic maintenance on vehicles, uh, basic project repairs around

00:33:27.960 the house.

00:33:28.400 Maybe the toilet isn't working and the handle needs to be replaced.

00:33:31.780 Take your son or daughter to the hardware store, get the thing and, you know, spend 20

00:33:36.300 minutes, uh, fixing the toilet or showing them where the breaker box is, or maybe it's having

00:33:43.040 them one night a week instead of you cooking all the meals, you and your wife or you or

00:33:47.260 your wife say, all right, kids, like you're in charge of dinner tonight. 0.97

00:33:51.580 And so we'll help you.

00:33:53.120 We'll come up with a meal plan and we'll be in there with you, guiding you and overseeing

00:33:56.900 everything.

00:33:57.240 But you're the one who's cooking tonight, man.

00:33:59.660 The more you can get them involved in these types of things, get some independent.

00:34:03.840 If you get hurt and, but your 13 year old knows how to call the police and knows how

00:34:12.020 to shoot a gun and knows basic, basic medical training at that 13 year old son or daughter

00:34:19.360 could potentially save somebody's life.

00:34:21.700 And there's countless examples of that happening.

00:34:24.440 So I really liked those two suggestions, the suggestions of get your kids involved in everything

00:34:28.620 in your wife, like never do anything alone that you could do with everybody else.

00:34:31.720 Yes, I know it's going to cost you twice as much and take twice as long, but it pays dividends

00:34:36.900 because it's an investment in them.

00:34:38.820 And then doing that family planning meeting where you're talking about, I think it was

00:34:43.020 you actually who said, you know, if you're, you're away from your family so much, like

00:34:48.700 most of us are during the day that if there's a, an emergency, the likelihood of you being

00:34:54.440 able to get ahold of them on the phone is greatly diminished.

00:34:57.840 So do you have a meeting point?

00:34:59.400 You know, it's like Asia knows this is where we meet in case of emergency and many people

00:35:05.540 haven't talked about that.

00:35:06.560 Another one that I thought about recently, because I heard this is that you should have

00:35:11.260 a secret word with your children because of AI technology.

00:35:16.320 So what will happen is I'll be at work and I'll get a phone call from my kid in their

00:35:23.460 voice, in their mannerisms would be almost nearly impossible.

00:35:27.260 It's only getting worse to distinguish whether that, that really is my child asking for money

00:35:32.520 or something that's compromising.

00:35:34.520 But if you have a word that only you two know, that's a layer of security to know, okay, this

00:35:39.420 is actually not what I'm dealing with here.

00:35:41.900 Yeah.

00:35:42.520 So there's a lot, it's crazy and it's going to get way worse, but there's a few things

00:35:48.460 that I've heard and those were all in the iron council meeting on Friday.

00:35:51.720 Yeah.

00:35:52.360 Well, and, and on that note, um, for those guys listening, iron council, we're opening

00:35:57.120 that up roughly in about probably about five days or so.

00:36:00.980 So if you're interested in banding with us in the iron council, you can go to order of

00:36:06.040 man.com slash iron council to sign up.

00:36:09.160 And we've got, what's cool about this is we've got a monthly topic, but we also have a lot

00:36:14.700 of LEOs in there, a lot of first responders, Frank Foreman immediate comes, comes to mind,

00:36:19.840 spent a lot of time in, in, um, fire service and specifically in emergency and disaster planning

00:36:25.960 for large cities and municipalities in Southern California.

00:36:30.980 So he's got all of these resources and checklists and ideas and training.

00:36:37.000 So whether we're talking about emergency preparedness or finances or fitness, man, it's cool to be

00:36:43.340 able to have experts that come in and you're not just listening to it on a podcast.

00:36:48.020 Like you're actually interacting with them and working with them to improve your situation.

00:36:52.820 It's really, really powerful.

00:36:54.080 And that tribe is so strong.

00:36:55.620 There's so many guys more than willing to help each other out.

00:36:59.620 And so like on our Friday call, immediately afterwards, someone's like, Hey Kip, I'd love

00:37:04.480 to talk more with you around fire starting.

00:37:07.100 I'm like, absolutely.

00:37:08.340 Let's do it.

00:37:09.160 And everybody's that way more than willing to, to help each other out.

00:37:13.640 Yeah.

00:37:14.300 I mean, we had a guy the other day, uh, won't use any names or anything like this, but he

00:37:19.560 was having, he's having some relationship problems and I know that, you know, I know him

00:37:23.520 fairly well and I know he's having some struggles and so, uh, but I, but I heard something a

00:37:28.120 little different in his voice on one of our, our meetings.

00:37:30.720 And so, you know, I called him up and like, Hey man, what's going on?

00:37:34.380 And I don't know.

00:37:35.260 We talked for maybe 25, 30 minutes.

00:37:37.080 It wasn't long.

00:37:37.660 Kind of worked me through what he was going through.

00:37:40.060 I didn't have any answers for him.

00:37:41.560 I'm just, you know, listen to him, maybe gave him a few ideas here or there.

00:37:44.860 And that was about it.

00:37:46.460 But to be able to have somebody that not only you can call, but we'll acknowledge and hear

00:37:53.580 something in your voice.

00:37:54.560 And then they actually call you.

00:37:57.720 That is few and far between for men.

00:37:59.980 Men just do not have that in their lives and they need it badly.

00:38:02.840 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

00:38:05.220 All right, Doug Bezot, what do you see as the key indicators when making a decision to

00:38:11.240 move on from a job or people in your life?

00:38:15.060 For me, I would really look for toxicity, uh, because I don't know that you can solve toxicity

00:38:22.960 in other people.

00:38:24.840 I think if it's neutral, like, Hey, I'm not happy here.

00:38:28.280 I'm not satisfied.

00:38:31.300 Um, I, I feel like I'm meant for something more.

00:38:34.140 I think there's a real obligation and responsibility for you to really pour into figuring out what

00:38:39.560 you could do better.

00:38:40.920 Yeah.

00:38:41.560 We've talked a lot about this kid, right?

00:38:43.560 Yeah.

00:38:44.600 But now we're talking about leaving.

00:38:46.500 So that's now you're like, I'm not, I'm done.

00:38:49.040 I'm leaving.

00:38:49.940 Yeah.

00:38:50.300 It's not good.

00:38:51.160 That's toxic stuff.

00:38:52.420 Yeah.

00:38:52.640 If you're in a dangerous situation in a relationship, an abusive situation in a relationship,

00:38:57.480 maybe your morals or, or even legal things are being compromised at your place of employment.

00:39:04.860 These are toxic things that you're not going to solve by just working harder or smarter

00:39:10.460 and being more engaged or coming in earlier.

00:39:12.600 This is not going to happen when it comes to work outside of the toxicity.

00:39:17.400 I would start looking for things if I've done all that I feel like I can do.

00:39:23.200 And that's a really hard thing to determine, especially in the moment.

00:39:28.320 It's easy to fool ourselves into believing I did everything, but know this, this has helped

00:39:33.460 me is that at some point in your life, there will be a reckoning.

00:39:38.880 There will be a reckoning.

00:39:40.620 There will be an account of everything you did and everything that you didn't do.

00:39:43.680 And whether that's here or whether that's in the afterlife, I want to be able to hold

00:39:52.080 my head up high and say, I did everything I could do and it wasn't enough.

00:40:00.340 And even though that doesn't help make things easier, it makes it more manageable and you

00:40:07.160 still feel like a man because you did what a man should do.

00:40:10.460 Yeah, well, and that's the path of growth because far too often people will, to your

00:40:17.520 point, excuse it, lie to themselves.

00:40:22.140 Oh yeah, I'm done everything.

00:40:23.440 And then they'll move on and they're moving on is sometimes a form of an easy button.

00:40:28.860 When in reality, there was opportunity for them to learn and grow and they robbed themselves

00:40:34.540 of it by not making sure that they're doing everything within their control.

00:40:38.180 So it's also another important factor of this is it's never a waste to do the right

00:40:44.800 thing.

00:40:45.900 Yeah.

00:40:47.040 Sometimes people actually believe that.

00:40:49.440 Like they think, oh man, I'm going to invest more time and more energy into this and I really

00:40:54.020 want to make it work, whether it's a personal relationship or a business endeavor.

00:40:57.840 And I don't know if it's going to work, but you know what?

00:40:59.560 I'm going to try.

00:41:00.160 I'm going to try.

00:41:00.760 I owe it to this person or I owe it to this organization.

00:41:03.180 I owe it to my clients and I'm going to do the right thing.

00:41:05.500 I'm going to really try and let's just say it doesn't work out because some things are

00:41:09.700 beyond our control.

00:41:11.440 Was it a waste that you tried harder?

00:41:14.860 No, because you learned, right?

00:41:16.500 And now you can take whatever you learned and however you applied yourself into your next

00:41:20.220 relationship or your next business or your next venture or whatever it is that you're

00:41:25.000 onto next.

00:41:26.100 Yeah.

00:41:27.380 All right.

00:41:27.900 We're going to hop over to Facebook, uh, facebook.com slash group slash order, man, TJ

00:41:32.260 bell.

00:41:33.040 How does a guy who was raised by women and never knew his father or never had a father 0.99

00:41:39.400 figure learn how to be a man?

00:41:41.500 I, this is a really, I like this question.

00:41:45.080 Uh, it's a, it's a question.

00:41:46.520 A lot of men ask and a lot of men are experienced.

00:41:48.920 I felt this way in my life.

00:41:50.600 Here's the best thing about this.

00:41:52.800 If you never got what you think you should have received as a young boy, the difference

00:41:59.260 between then and now is that when you were a young boy, even if there was a man in your

00:42:03.640 life, you didn't get to decide what that training looked like.

00:42:08.120 He was going to treat you.

00:42:09.280 I was going to treat you.

00:42:10.160 He was going to introduce you to the things he was going to introduce you to you.

00:42:13.820 For the most part, you had very little control over that.

00:42:17.320 Yeah.

00:42:17.400 But as a man, you have complete control over what you learn and apply in your life.

00:42:25.600 So when you were a boy, you didn't get to decide about all of the factors that were infused

00:42:31.480 into your mind as an impressionable kid.

00:42:34.620 But now if you're like, you know what?

00:42:36.020 I think a man is somebody who's physically fit.

00:42:39.600 Awesome.

00:42:40.600 What does that mean to you?

00:42:41.700 Does that mean that you're, you know, muscles out to here and you're a bodybuilder or does

00:42:45.860 that mean you're lean and shredded because you're a marathon runner or that you're fit

00:42:50.780 enough that you can really train martial arts and do really well with that?

00:42:54.360 You actually get to choose your own adventure.

00:42:56.500 You remember those books?

00:42:57.380 Yeah.

00:42:57.860 Where you'd read the book and you'd read like two or three pages and you come to the fork

00:43:02.480 in the road and it's like, if you want to go down the scary dark path, jump to page

00:43:06.780 seven.

00:43:07.400 If you want to go on the rocky steep path, jump to page nine.

00:43:11.140 That's the beauty of being a man and trying to figure this stuff out.

00:43:14.220 You get to decide what path do you want to run on?

00:43:19.020 So if it's a business path or a financial path, real estate, stock market investing,

00:43:26.440 just learning how to budget, buying into businesses, starting a business, you can decide

00:43:33.160 fully what you want to do.

00:43:34.560 And then once you start deciding and we use tools, you know, to help you decide visions,

00:43:40.380 tactics, objectives.

00:43:42.640 There's things like that that we've talked at length about, but once you decide, then

00:43:47.060 the first thing you have to do is find somebody who's doing that and start doing what they

00:43:54.260 do.

00:43:54.620 I was having a good conversation with Sean Villalobos and just, just downstairs in the kitchen

00:43:59.680 here a minute ago, cause I'm at his place.

00:44:01.260 And he was saying with some of his guys, they'll come in and they've got access to world-class

00:44:07.140 training from world-class trainers that every single one of us listening to this podcast

00:44:11.180 would recognize.

00:44:13.520 And they still don't do what the guy tells them to do.

00:44:16.560 This guy will train them and he'll teach them.

00:44:20.320 He'll say, do this, use this verbiage.

00:44:22.520 Here's how you do it.

00:44:23.480 And they're like, nah, that's the problem with, that's the problem with men is like you

00:44:32.180 have access to these people and it's going to cost you nothing.

00:44:35.620 If you listen to a podcast or 20 bucks, if you want to buy their book or a thousand dollars,

00:44:42.500 if you want to go to their conference, like you have unlimited access to these people.

00:44:47.000 And even if you go, you still won't do what they do because you're making up all these excuses

00:44:51.180 in your head.

00:44:51.900 So yeah, figure out what you want.

00:44:54.840 Find people who are doing it, invest in them, invest in being around them and, and actually

00:45:01.700 apply what they're teaching you.

00:45:03.280 Got it.

00:45:04.440 All right.

00:45:05.000 Today is Horak.

00:45:07.000 What should a young man do in order to be ready for a godly relationship?

00:45:12.800 And do you think he's like godly relationship, like establishing a relationship with God?

00:45:17.620 Or is he talking about a relationship, like a romantic relationship that's godly aligned?

00:45:24.740 I think, I think a more spiritually based relationship is what he's saying.

00:45:28.460 Okay.

00:45:29.360 That's what I think.

00:45:30.600 Okay.

00:45:31.080 So a couple of things.

00:45:32.120 Number one, I think you ought to know, know your beliefs.

00:45:35.400 Yeah.

00:45:35.680 And I'm probably not the best person to talk about on this because I still have, we all

00:45:40.560 have questions, right?

00:45:41.420 We all question and we all wonder and think about these things, I think.

00:45:46.340 But I, but I, if you have this vision of what you want this godly, spiritually based romantic

00:45:53.800 relationship to be, I think that's what he's going for.

00:45:55.800 Then you have to know what you believe.

00:45:57.800 Yeah.

00:45:58.720 Because you can't lead people and you want to lead your woman. 1.00

00:46:02.680 Yeah.

00:46:03.300 You can't lead her if you don't know where you're going.

00:46:06.800 Yeah.

00:46:07.900 And she's going to see right through that.

00:46:09.640 She's not going to follow you. 0.79

00:46:10.840 She may be with you.

00:46:11.660 I'm not saying that, but she's definitely not going to follow you down this spiritual

00:46:14.460 path.

00:46:14.980 If you're like, I don't really know what this looks like.

00:46:17.620 Yeah.

00:46:18.500 And how do you get to know God?

00:46:20.800 The same answer I gave you a minute ago about getting around people who know what they're

00:46:24.420 doing.

00:46:25.040 You got to get around God.

00:46:26.540 You have to go to church.

00:46:27.960 You have to be around spiritual men.

00:46:29.820 You have to read the scriptures.

00:46:31.200 You have to pray.

00:46:32.540 And I know these are what we'd call in the LDS faith, the primary answers.

00:46:38.160 Yeah.

00:46:38.540 Right?

00:46:38.840 Isn't that what we call them?

00:46:39.760 Yeah.

00:46:40.080 Kind of the-

00:46:40.860 Pray, read the scriptures.

00:46:42.100 It's the easy stuff.

00:46:42.800 The child answers.

00:46:43.280 The child answers.

00:46:44.020 Yeah.

00:46:44.660 The childlike answers.

00:46:45.920 But that's what it is.

00:46:48.840 It's like, how do you get strong?

00:46:50.820 Or how do you get fit?

00:46:53.240 Well, you eat better and you move more.

00:46:56.900 Well, that's a cop-out.

00:46:57.880 No, it's not a cop-out because that's the exact right answer.

00:47:01.480 Yeah.

00:47:01.880 It just feels like a cop-out because it's so simple that we often overlook it and think

00:47:05.500 it's got to be more complex.

00:47:07.020 Yeah.

00:47:07.260 But yeah, you just have to put yourself in proximity to the kind of person you want to

00:47:11.520 be and the kind of information that person would consume.

00:47:14.280 And then once you know where you're going, then you can't settle.

00:47:18.860 That's another thing guys will do is they'll get into a relationship, whether it's a godly

00:47:24.920 type relationship or they have some sort of vision about family planning or where they

00:47:28.700 want to live or what their life looks like, but they'll sacrifice all of it because they

00:47:33.380 love the woman.

00:47:35.520 But I love her.

00:47:36.480 I don't doubt it.

00:47:39.100 I don't doubt that you love her.

00:47:41.140 But that's not the only factor that goes into this long-term relationship.

00:47:45.620 There has to be alignment.

00:47:46.700 There's lots of women to love. 1.00

00:47:49.780 And you need to find one who actually is aligned with this godly vision of a relationship that

00:47:55.460 you have.

00:47:55.860 Because if you don't have that, whatever you've planned for doesn't really matter.

00:48:01.400 She's not interested.

00:48:02.360 She'll never follow you there.

00:48:03.980 Well, and some guys will even find the alignment of the relationship and then they'll fall off

00:48:08.920 the wagon around their spirituality.

00:48:11.920 They'll stop going to church after.

00:48:15.020 Yeah.

00:48:15.140 It's like, and then what good was that?

00:48:17.140 That alignment was so critical.

00:48:18.760 But then now you're no longer consistent in making that a priority in your life.

00:48:23.180 So make sure not to lose that either.

00:48:26.420 I know you do a lot of hiring and consulting with hiring and bringing the right people and

00:48:30.960 cultural development and things like that.

00:48:33.960 I imagine, I don't want to put words in your mouth, that when you're looking to bring somebody

00:48:38.440 into the organization, you're looking for a set of skills they already possess.

00:48:43.800 Absolutely.

00:48:45.320 And maybe even some experience in the realm of what you guys are dealing with.

00:48:49.120 Yeah.

00:48:49.340 And if they don't have experience and a certain set of skillset coming into it, you're just

00:48:58.740 not going to hire them.

00:48:59.880 Yeah.

00:49:00.220 And to be clear, and if we did hire them, it would be unfair because now we have them in

00:49:06.880 the seat of the bus where they're not going to be successful.

00:49:10.100 And that is not fair for anybody to have some expectation set on them that they're not capable

00:49:18.160 of winning.

00:49:19.700 Yeah.

00:49:21.380 Well, I mean, and the reason I bring that up and you're dead on with that, because sometimes

00:49:25.420 we just look at it from our own vantage point, but it makes sense to cut people loose so they

00:49:29.320 can find what they really need and desire.

00:49:31.300 Yeah.

00:49:31.680 So it's, it's actually selfless in a lot of ways too.

00:49:34.080 But the reason I bring it up is if we're, and this is going to be a funny example, but

00:49:37.840 if we're talking about a godly relationship, I think the last thing you ought to do is jump

00:49:42.400 on Tinder and try to hook up, get into some hookup culture on Tinder.

00:49:45.860 Now I'm not saying it can't happen because I'm sure there's guys who listen to this podcast

00:49:49.400 who have found their wife and they've been married for a long time and they're happy and

00:49:53.100 they go to church and they have a beautiful family.

00:49:54.920 I'm not saying that.

00:49:55.880 But the likelihood of finding that type of person is going to be greatly diminished relative

00:50:00.940 to going to the local church.

00:50:04.760 Maybe there's single adult activities with, with the congregation that you're part of.

00:50:10.420 Like there's things that you can do where you're more likely to put yourself in proximity

00:50:14.440 to a woman who already shares all the values that you have. 0.98

00:50:18.060 And then you don't need to make it any harder.

00:50:20.160 Relationships are hard.

00:50:21.240 Even when things are perfect.

00:50:22.660 Imagine how difficult they are when there's a mismanagement or misalignment of values.

00:50:28.180 Well, and we'll lie to ourselves, right?

00:50:30.320 Guys will find that girl and go, oh yeah, she's amazing. 1.00

00:50:34.860 That religion thing is really important to me.

00:50:36.920 We'll get there, right?

00:50:38.100 And then they'll have this covert contract how they're going to, you know, expect her to 0.90

00:50:43.380 change and become something that she's not, which will just end up coming with a bunch

00:50:48.280 of animosity and resentment.

00:50:51.000 You know where I think that stems from, Kip?

00:50:54.700 First and foremost, it stems from a lack of options.

00:50:57.980 It's a scarcity mindset.

00:50:59.620 Yeah.

00:51:00.100 Right?

00:51:00.380 If there's only one woman you've ever dated your entire life and you felt like that's the

00:51:04.500 only woman you could ever get, then you're going to do everything you can, including 0.99

00:51:07.980 sacrifice yourself in order to stay with her.

00:51:11.080 Yeah.

00:51:11.900 But if on the other hand, you have plenty of options.

00:51:14.220 Like you're, you're, you're an attractive man.

00:51:17.920 You know, you're a good catch.

00:51:19.540 You know, you, you, you've got a variety of, of women that you could potentially start 1.00

00:51:23.700 relationships with.

00:51:25.260 You're less likely to sacrifice your own values because you can select the partner who's going

00:51:30.380 to align with you and move forward in the way you want to move forward.

00:51:32.900 And the best way to do that is to make yourself into the kind of man that would attract that

00:51:39.600 kind of woman.

00:51:41.020 Yeah.

00:51:41.260 And you do that by keeping commitments to yourself, by getting strong, by being this

00:51:46.560 spiritual man, living the spiritual journey, doing what those spiritual men do by making

00:51:53.620 money, which is just a metric of providing value to other people.

00:51:57.100 There is so much that you can do where that kind of woman, it will, it will almost seem 1.00

00:52:03.760 magnetic.

00:52:04.940 She will be attracted to you and you'll have the confidence where you can say, no, that's

00:52:11.620 true confidence.

00:52:12.600 Confidence is if, if you want to know if they're really confident, is it, do they have the ability

00:52:17.140 to say no?

00:52:18.200 Yeah.

00:52:19.360 Cause if they don't have the ability to say no, then it's not confidence.

00:52:22.620 It's something else, but a man that can say no is a man who's confident.

00:52:27.640 Yeah.

00:52:28.640 Absolutely.

00:52:28.960 Right.

00:52:29.100 Like if he says no to a potential job opportunity, well, you know, he's confident cause he's

00:52:33.360 got another job lined up and he could pass up on this pretty cool job that a lot of other

00:52:37.460 guys would kill to have.

00:52:38.960 So the ability to say no is actually a really powerful litmus test for the level of confidence

00:52:43.660 you have.

00:52:45.080 Yeah.

00:52:45.540 So hop on Tinder and then just say no a bunch of times.

00:52:48.420 Just say no, just get really good at it.

00:52:50.180 Swipe right or left or whatever it is on that app.

00:52:52.920 I don't know.

00:52:53.580 Yeah.

00:52:56.360 All right.

00:52:56.920 Oh boy.

00:52:57.360 Probably ought to do that anyways.

00:52:58.560 Yeah.

00:52:59.060 Randy Norville.

00:53:00.300 How do you find new goals or passions?

00:53:02.640 I've achieved a fair bit by 35 and I'm struggling not to coast through life on co-pilot.

00:53:09.200 Well, one thing I would say is you could take your new or your current passions and hobbies

00:53:13.240 and interests and just take them to the nth degree.

00:53:15.840 Yeah.

00:53:16.640 I think about jujitsu.

00:53:17.720 It's like, you know, somebody who's been training for four or five years, maybe they're

00:53:21.960 a blue belt, maybe, maybe getting into that purple belt realm.

00:53:26.000 I mean, you, by all, by all objective standards, you could say, Hey, they've done pretty well

00:53:29.820 relative to every other man out there.

00:53:32.480 So maybe you don't need to find something new.

00:53:35.520 Maybe you're like, Hey, now, now I really want to learn this or this defense or this offense

00:53:40.860 and achieve this rank, you know?

00:53:42.640 So you can take your current thing to the nth degree.

00:53:45.740 I would say that.

00:53:47.160 Um, I would also look for ancillary things.

00:53:49.500 So again, to go back to the jujitsu thing, let's say you love jujitsu, but you're kind

00:53:53.200 of like, I like it well enough.

00:53:55.600 It's good.

00:53:56.220 It adds value to my life, but I'm getting a little tired.

00:53:58.860 Maybe you want to try something else.

00:54:00.100 Well, go, go to the Muay Thai class after the jujitsu class or, or take up some striking,

00:54:06.940 some boxing or some kickboxing or some grappling wrestling.

00:54:10.360 It's, it's something new.

00:54:12.360 This is what, this is actually something I need to do because I lose interest.

00:54:16.220 It's that bright, shiny object syndrome.

00:54:18.820 And I tend to do it in the business.

00:54:20.340 But one thing I've learned in the business is you don't go so far out of the realm of what

00:54:25.100 you're doing that it just distracts, but it's, it's ancillary.

00:54:30.920 It's, it's part of what you're doing and you're still in the same mission.

00:54:34.480 You're still driving down the same highway.

00:54:36.800 You're just in a different lane than you were before.

00:54:40.200 And so I like finding those complimentary hobbies because you already know it.

00:54:45.180 You already know what value you get from it.

00:54:46.960 And this is going to spice things up and keep it interesting for you.

00:54:50.060 Yeah.

00:54:50.560 I, maybe I'm, I mean, Randy's probably like goals and passions and, and,

00:54:55.100 and maybe he's not looking for as serious of a question, but I'll go that direction.

00:55:01.200 Randy, it's like, what are you about?

00:55:05.200 Like in the end, in the grand scheme of things, I think there's an echelon of fulfillment and

00:55:11.440 purpose in life that is only made possible through creating a, a positive impact in others.

00:55:19.520 So, oh, I got my kids dialed in.

00:55:22.920 Okay, great.

00:55:23.480 How about your community?

00:55:25.100 How about your state?

00:55:26.420 What problem in the world are you taking on?

00:55:30.020 I love the language.

00:55:31.680 Someone's told me this.

00:55:32.980 Everyone has problems.

00:55:34.560 People that have a great amount of fulfillment in life chose their problem.

00:55:39.240 So pick a problem, pick homelessness or whatever and, and address it, deal with it.

00:55:46.420 And, and, and if there's problems in the home, you know, broken relationships with siblings or things

00:55:53.100 incomplete with parents, then that's probably the area that you need to address first, but

00:55:58.440 regardless, right?

00:56:00.300 Be about something.

00:56:01.140 And what I'm saying is be about something that serves others.

00:56:04.420 Yeah.

00:56:05.620 Well said.

00:56:06.340 All right.

00:56:07.160 A couple more questions.

00:56:08.760 Um, Caleb, Caleb Johnson.

00:56:10.720 I'm not sure how you keep the podcast gig going.

00:56:13.900 A lot of questions I see here.

00:56:15.920 I can think of, I have already been answered on this podcast or by others.

00:56:20.020 What do you do when you've addressed it all in one way or another?

00:56:23.700 I guess that the question in my career field, I've mentored many people.

00:56:29.160 One thing I've learned is that we all have the same problems just with a different backstory.

00:56:34.400 Yeah.

00:56:34.980 Well, I, I will say this.

00:56:36.520 I don't like the phrase podcast gig, but I might be taking that personally.

00:56:41.260 It has a little bit of negative connotation to it, but I don't think he actually means

00:56:45.580 it like that.

00:56:46.180 I just, it's just, when I hear that, cause enough people do say that they're like, oh,

00:56:50.340 your little podcast thing.

00:56:51.520 And I don't think he's doing that, but enough people do it where I'm like,

00:56:56.320 you know, it's just a little bit of ignorance around what I actually do.

00:57:00.620 Again, that's not a indictment on who, what's his name?

00:57:04.900 Um, oh, sorry.

00:57:05.680 I moved on.

00:57:06.380 Uh, Caleb.

00:57:07.780 Yeah.

00:57:08.040 It's not an indictment on Caleb.

00:57:09.200 Cause I don't think he's doing that, but I hear that a lot.

00:57:11.400 So, um, so how do I keep it going?

00:57:15.640 Well, number one, to go back to what you just said, Kip purpose and mission, what's the

00:57:21.180 alternative?

00:57:21.620 Like I literally have no other alternative, not only because I'm too dumb to do anything

00:57:26.160 else, but because I can't envision doing anything else.

00:57:29.920 What, what would keep me this engaged and enthusiastic?

00:57:32.580 What problem would I be solving?

00:57:34.060 That's greater than this one.

00:57:35.860 And as I say that all of you guys are thinking, well, this problem, this problem, this problem,

00:57:39.400 this problem, yeah, those are your problems to solve.

00:57:42.440 Yeah.

00:57:42.780 Those are not my problems to solve cause you're the one fired up by it.

00:57:46.860 Uh, but the other thing I realized is that, yeah, we do repeat things a lot.

00:57:51.680 You know, there's probably 10 to 12 types of questions that we get and we've got them

00:57:58.080 every week for a year, but that's okay.

00:58:02.040 Because I know that two things, number one is new people are coming to this movement all

00:58:08.840 the time.

00:58:09.420 So I could share the exact same message I shared last week and this week it would land and resonate

00:58:14.980 with new people who've never heard this before.

00:58:18.200 And also what resonates with you, Caleb might not resonate with Joe.

00:58:24.120 So, so I might say something that maybe Jocko Willink says, or David Goggin says, or any

00:58:30.280 one of these guys, Jordan Peterson says, but for whatever reason, when I say it, it lands

00:58:34.960 better with certain people.

00:58:36.060 And when they say it lands better with others.

00:58:38.200 So I know I'm going to hit a different demographic and group of people than other people are just

00:58:42.560 because we all resonate with different people.

00:58:44.560 And the third thing I know is that it takes men an unnecessarily large amount of times to

00:58:54.820 hear something before they actually do anything about it.

00:58:59.280 Yeah.

00:59:00.000 Like how many times have you jumped on the scale and said to yourself, I need to lose weight.

00:59:05.360 I need to get that gym membership.

00:59:08.220 I need to eat better.

00:59:10.060 I need to ask for that promotion.

00:59:11.600 I need to have that difficult conversation with my wife. 0.97

00:59:13.800 I need to start that hobby.

00:59:15.280 I need to launch that business.

00:59:16.400 I need to write that book.

00:59:17.480 How many times?

00:59:19.800 Dozens, hundreds, thousands of times.

00:59:23.160 But then something happens.

00:59:26.460 Maybe it's a little kink in the relationship.

00:59:29.240 Maybe it's a little health scare.

00:59:31.680 Maybe it's a financial issue and burden that you're strapped with.

00:59:35.540 And for whatever reason, in that moment, you just needed to hear it 101 times.

00:59:42.860 And that 101st time you heard it was like, yep.

00:59:47.120 And then you start taking action.

00:59:48.520 And those are the messages we get.

00:59:50.900 Man, I've known I need to do this forever.

00:59:53.020 And Ryan, you said this thing on this podcast, or you had this guest, or you did this thing,

00:59:56.260 or you had this event.

00:59:57.040 And for whatever reason, it just resonated with me, and I decided to do it.

01:00:04.100 And that's how we keep going.

01:00:05.900 Yeah.

01:00:06.520 And I don't think we're the same.

01:00:08.600 I think our answers have kind of evolved.

01:00:11.520 True, good point.

01:00:12.760 I'm sure.

01:00:13.200 I would hope.

01:00:13.600 Yeah, I'm sure if we look back two years ago, there's some things that they were saying

01:00:17.980 where I'm like, ugh, cringe.

01:00:19.640 Like, do not listen to that guy.

01:00:23.160 Delete episode.

01:00:25.340 Yeah, for sure.

01:00:26.720 I have gone back and listened to some of the first episodes.

01:00:29.400 And I have my first video on YouTube for Order Man I ever did.

01:00:32.620 And I don't watch them because I see them.

01:00:34.540 I'm like, ugh.

01:00:36.420 But they're good reminders.

01:00:38.000 I saw, I don't know who it was on Instagram, said, you should look at your previous self

01:00:45.200 and cringe at times.

01:00:47.460 And if you don't, then you're not growing.

01:00:49.960 For sure.

01:00:51.040 All right, Jacob Pinion.

01:00:52.280 I was recently told that God won't use me because I have a heart at war.

01:00:59.400 I know this was something that you have discussed a few separate times, but I can riff of what

01:01:05.020 is heart of war means.

01:01:07.160 Can I be a student of self-defense, you know, jiu-jitsu, firearms, situational awareness,

01:01:12.580 without having a heart posture that is heart of war?

01:01:17.320 If having a heart of war is inherently wrong, what should you suggest I do to reposition?

01:01:22.900 And he shares that this was actually shared with him from a church leader's wife saying,

01:01:29.400 yeah, all of his focus, you know, uh, you know, he should be more like Christ and be

01:01:35.220 meek and mild.

01:01:37.360 Well, so I, I actually answered this question a week or two ago.

01:01:42.880 I think I did it when you weren't here.

01:01:44.680 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:01:45.900 But no, no, no, you're good.

01:01:46.960 And I'll tell you why, because he, when I answered it, he addressed you, but you weren't

01:01:50.600 on the call.

01:01:51.060 So I'm like, well, I'll go ahead and answer it.

01:01:52.640 And then this, I must not have answered it to his liking.

01:01:56.540 And he, and so he put, or he really wants to hear from you, Kip.

01:02:00.480 So I'm going to bow out on this question.

01:02:01.800 If you want to hear my answer, go back a week or two, but he really wants to hear from you.

01:02:06.200 So I would love for him to be able to hear from you about it.

01:02:09.420 Okay.

01:02:09.900 So, so this distinction comes from a book called the anatomy and peace.

01:02:14.620 Um, anyone that knows of Harbinger Institute, they wrote a book called the outward mindset,

01:02:19.180 leadership and deception.

01:02:20.900 And this concept of heart at war is when, to be frank, you are shrouded in your lack of

01:02:29.280 integrity so much that you are blaming and shaming and seeing other people as the problem.

01:02:36.680 And we do that by the way, so we can be justified in our, when our way of being out of integrity,

01:02:44.040 which is crazy.

01:02:45.240 So if I'm not doing what I should be doing, most people will immediately go, it's because,

01:02:51.340 well, Ryan's not doing this, or it's because of Ryan and it's because of the government.

01:02:55.960 It's because of my wife.

01:02:57.260 And, and, and that's the excuse for me to be able to live with myself.

01:03:02.480 Now, I love the term heart at war because I immediately know what that feels like.

01:03:08.980 And for me, it's something not being complete with another individual.

01:03:14.460 That's a heart at war.

01:03:16.340 And, and most acts of war like this are of the cold variety.

01:03:22.340 It's me not calling when I should.

01:03:25.060 It's me withholding information.

01:03:27.100 It's me stonewalling.

01:03:29.000 It's me hoping they will fail because it will make me feel good.

01:03:33.000 Though, those are acts of heart of war.

01:03:35.800 Now, the pastor's wife here, right? 0.98

01:03:38.960 She's thinking like war, war, like physical violence.

01:03:42.220 And if you're focused on physical violence, then obviously, you know, you're out of alignment

01:03:46.440 with Christ.

01:03:47.720 And so we're, your, your questions rooted in her definition being drastically different

01:03:52.680 to be frank than mine.

01:03:55.020 And so, so in the spirit of the question, can you be doing jujitsu, firearms and situational

01:04:02.300 awareness and, and not have contention and like evil in your heart?

01:04:08.560 And the answer to that is absolutely.

01:04:12.140 In fact, not only absolutely, I would argue that if you have a kid that has anger issues,

01:04:18.320 have him do jujitsu, have him deal with being frustrated, feeling anger, feel dealing with

01:04:27.440 being afraid.

01:04:28.660 And what will happen is he will learn how to control those emotions and be less violent

01:04:35.460 in life.

01:04:36.940 Those things allow you to be calm and to understand where those emotions are coming from and then

01:04:44.920 determine if you're going to act upon them.

01:04:47.420 You said it way more graciously than I did.

01:04:49.380 So that's a way better answer.

01:04:51.500 I just said, stop listening to her.

01:04:53.060 She's wrong.

01:04:54.960 No, I, when you were talking about jujitsu, I was thinking why one same with firearms and

01:05:00.920 self-defense and situational awareness.

01:05:03.320 What?

01:05:04.040 Okay.

01:05:04.180 Let's take firearms. 0.71

01:05:05.160 Why would you train firearms?

01:05:07.780 Is it to murder people?

01:05:09.500 No, because murderers don't go to firearms training.

01:05:12.300 They just shoot people.

01:05:14.180 So why do you go to firearms training?

01:05:17.020 To serve people, to protect the weak and vulnerable and those you love.

01:05:23.260 So if anything, is it a heart at war or is it actually out of service and love to another

01:05:28.220 person?

01:05:28.940 Same thing with jujitsu.

01:05:30.100 Part of it is love yourself enough to train and feel good about who you are.

01:05:33.860 And so there's some self-respect that comes along with it, but you're doing it to be more

01:05:38.860 valuable to the people in your life.

01:05:40.580 How is that a heart of war?

01:05:41.960 You're actually serving.

01:05:43.220 Totally.

01:05:44.320 Well, and not only that, but what will happen if you take a tough situation, people do one

01:05:50.120 of two things, fight or flight.

01:05:52.660 And in most cases, they don't logically choose.

01:05:57.360 They just act.

01:05:58.800 So what's better to leave it to chance if I go into fight mode or to have proper training

01:06:07.980 so I can regulate those emotions and choose to fight when appropriate and choose to flight

01:06:14.900 when appropriate.

01:06:17.120 And most people, they're too reactionary.

01:06:21.000 They're not controlling their emotions.

01:06:22.460 And these sayings help you.

01:06:23.620 We had a guy on, and he's become a friend over the years, but his name's Kyle Carpenter.

01:06:28.160 He was the youngest living Medal of Honor recipient as a Marine.

01:06:31.600 And essentially, his story is amazing.

01:06:35.080 Jumped on a grenade.

01:06:36.060 A grenade was thrown into his observation post.

01:06:37.980 It was him and one other guy up there, a fellow Marine.

01:06:41.080 And he jumped on this grenade, and it killed him.

01:06:44.360 And he was brought back to life.

01:06:46.100 But he woke up.

01:06:47.000 He shares the story where he woke up, and he thought his buddies, his Marines, were playing

01:06:52.020 a joke on him by pouring warm water on him.

01:06:54.580 And then he realized, oh, that's not warm water.

01:06:56.900 That's my blood leaving my body.

01:06:59.380 And he died.

01:07:00.040 I don't know.

01:07:00.360 I can't remember if he died once or three times, life-flighted and all this stuff.

01:07:04.400 And, you know, this is a Marine.

01:07:06.120 He's a warrior by definition.

01:07:09.220 He is to protect.

01:07:11.200 He is to inflict damage on the enemy.

01:07:14.160 Like, that's a very literal sense of the term war, right?

01:07:18.200 Yeah.

01:07:18.780 And yet, his act, his act, I'm not even getting emotional when I say this.

01:07:23.820 His act was not at war.

01:07:27.740 There was no, as your definition is, there was no conflict there.

01:07:32.180 Yeah.

01:07:32.780 He did it out of love to his fellow Marines.

01:07:38.960 It's really just how you frame it.

01:07:40.820 And I like how you said, it's like, she might just be using a different definition.

01:07:44.760 So maybe there's a conversation that requires some understanding there.

01:07:48.520 Yeah.

01:07:48.920 Well, and then.

01:07:49.560 It's way more gracious than I provided.

01:07:51.640 Yeah.

01:07:51.840 And then you can debate with her on whether Christ went into temples and threw over tables

01:07:56.320 and yelled at people in violent ways or not.

01:07:59.740 Yeah.

01:08:00.140 Yeah.

01:08:00.400 Good point.

01:08:00.940 Not so mild and meek all the time.

01:08:02.400 Now is he?

01:08:03.720 Well, I mean, that's actually a really interesting way.

01:08:06.140 I know we use that example all the time when it comes to these types of things.

01:08:09.360 But the other side of it, too, is Christ was contentious with people.

01:08:15.040 Not out of a war.

01:08:16.720 It wasn't the war mentality.

01:08:18.720 Out of service.

01:08:19.280 It was not a heart of war because he was in integrity.

01:08:23.100 Beliefs, actions.

01:08:24.940 And so principles, and you either uphold and honor those principles or you don't.

01:08:30.340 But he never shied away from saying, oh, that's okay.

01:08:34.720 Or that behavior is excusable.

01:08:36.560 Now, he would say love everybody, but certainly we're not required or even desired to love

01:08:43.320 the sin.

01:08:45.020 Yeah.

01:08:45.340 We're compelled not to love the sin, to be repulsed by it.

01:08:48.840 Yep.

01:08:49.600 So that's not the heart of war.

01:08:52.760 Like you're talking more about integrity, and that's the real question.

01:08:56.060 Yeah.

01:08:56.360 Totally.

01:08:57.120 Yeah.

01:08:57.460 All right.

01:08:57.780 We'll wrap up with Eric Kovach.

01:09:00.400 How long into your, and I love this question in so many ways, how long into your respective

01:09:05.700 BJJ journeys was it before you didn't feel like you were a complete terrible at it?

01:09:10.940 I've been training a little over a year.

01:09:12.860 I burned my first stripe a month or two ago, but I still feel like I completely suck when

01:09:17.720 it comes to rolling, even with newer students.

01:09:21.460 Yeah.

01:09:21.900 Well, I'm actually really good at jujitsu, so about six months I realized I'm really

01:09:26.480 good at this.

01:09:27.120 You're like, I'm awesome.

01:09:28.320 And I'm done.

01:09:30.200 So I stopped going, and I'm done.

01:09:31.860 I'm like, I don't need to learn anything else.

01:09:33.720 No, of course the answer is you always feel.

01:09:36.320 Well, it's actually all relative.

01:09:38.140 I would imagine, this is how I feel.

01:09:40.340 I'm not going to put words in your mouth.

01:09:41.160 This is how I feel.

01:09:42.360 When I roll with somebody and I get the better of them because I'm better at it, I think,

01:09:46.600 man, I'm pretty good at this.

01:09:48.100 Yeah.

01:09:48.800 And then I roll with you, and I'm like, man, I'm pretty horrible at this.

01:09:53.720 It's all just relative.

01:09:55.160 So you're definitely further down the path being a year into it than somebody who's a

01:09:59.600 month into it, and you're definitely not as far down the path as somebody who's been

01:10:03.480 doing it 10 years.

01:10:04.760 So it's all just relative, and I think the answer is don't worry about it.

01:10:10.440 Yeah.

01:10:11.360 Just keep going, keep training, keep learning, keep improving.

01:10:15.260 The catch with this, though, this has hit me hard.

01:10:18.380 Is that when you train with people, everybody's progressing at the same level.

01:10:24.360 So you feel like you're never learning.

01:10:26.720 You're like, dude, those guys who were besting me last year are still besting me.

01:10:30.180 Right.

01:10:31.040 Because they're learning all the same stuff.

01:10:33.320 Go train at a different school or go to a competition, and you'll actually start to

01:10:37.280 see there's a real disparity between you and other people.

01:10:41.680 Totally.

01:10:42.360 Jiu-jitsu is the sport for people that have dealt with or have figured out how to deal

01:10:49.180 with sucking. 0.98

01:10:50.960 Yeah.

01:10:51.440 It's like, what, 16 years in, dude, I still feel how you feel a lot of the time.

01:10:58.700 And we, but that's the power of it.

01:11:02.840 I've learned to deal with it.

01:11:04.420 That's why this game forces us to have huge amount of humility, which is beautiful.

01:11:12.900 And what's so cool about it is humility gets forced into you and you're more skilled, but

01:11:19.020 yet you're still so humble.

01:11:21.080 That is powerful.

01:11:23.220 That's a good point.

01:11:24.180 That is really powerful.

01:11:25.240 And so to, to Ryan's advice, it's okay.

01:11:31.660 Yeah.

01:11:32.660 Like, except the fact that someone's always going to be able to submit you that many times

01:11:38.580 you, you won't feel like you're getting any better, but you are and, and be with that

01:11:44.960 and that's okay.

01:11:45.680 There's also, there is one practical bit of advice I'd give to you.

01:11:51.620 Um, when you're, when you're not having a good day at training wise, it's, I think it's

01:11:58.260 actually important to dissect that.

01:12:01.180 Why?

01:12:02.580 Are you tired?

01:12:04.080 Are you stressed?

01:12:05.420 Are you malnourished?

01:12:07.360 Are you overnourished?

01:12:08.860 Like there's, there's a lot of things that it could be.

01:12:11.400 And if you start to dissect and find trends between the days that you feel like garbage and

01:12:15.160 the days that you actually do pretty well, you might be able to amplify your results

01:12:20.020 because you show up.

01:12:21.680 Kip, you've talked about this.

01:12:23.360 You show up in a more powerful way, which obviously translates to a more effective training

01:12:28.820 session.

01:12:29.640 Yeah.

01:12:30.080 Yeah.

01:12:30.500 No, that's a really good point.

01:12:31.780 And as you say that I immediately went to also the interpretation, right?

01:12:37.920 Like sometimes part of me feels like, well, keep it playful, like go train and be like,

01:12:43.020 have fun.

01:12:44.840 And when I think about it, it's like, what stops me from having fun?

01:12:48.600 Ah, it's the expectations that, Oh, I should be way better than this.

01:12:52.760 And, and, and my, and it's because I'm bringing my ego to the table and I'm not there to learn.

01:12:57.740 And I'm there to see where I sit on the, on the, on the totem pole of greatness.

01:13:03.200 And I'm like, ah, I need to let go of that.

01:13:05.680 That's also some of the problem too, because that will hinder your growth by the way, because

01:13:10.080 if you don't learn to let go of the expectation of being great at this, then you won't try

01:13:15.300 new moves and every training will be a comp for you because you're trying to validate

01:13:20.240 that you're great and you'll stun your own growth.

01:13:23.220 So do your best, but also be okay in learning and getting that learning is in that space

01:13:32.300 of not winning.

01:13:34.040 Yeah.

01:13:34.820 Yeah.

01:13:35.740 It's tough.

01:13:37.200 Cool.

01:13:37.760 All right, guys.

01:13:38.320 Well, I've got a jet because I've got a meeting and iron council meetup that we're doing here

01:13:42.120 in Nashville.

01:13:42.820 So, um, if you want to be part of those meetups and you want to be part of something big and

01:13:46.900 you want to be involved with Kip, you and me, and, uh, you know, thousands of other guys

01:13:51.420 who are part of this organization, but it's, again, it's that relationship of not just,

01:13:56.460 Hey, let me show you some books and fill out some assignments each month, but Hey, it

01:14:01.160 sounds like something's going wrong.

01:14:02.500 Let me call you or, Hey, you said you would do this and you didn't do it.

01:14:06.560 So I need you to tell me why you're going to be accountable to me and to you also.

01:14:10.800 Um, but it's, it's deeper than that, you know?

01:14:12.840 And I think that's why it's so powerful.

01:14:15.260 Um, over the past 10 years, there's been a lot of other little organizations similar

01:14:19.700 to ours that have popped up, which is great.

01:14:21.800 And I've always been a huge advocate for that, but at the risk of sounding a little bit arrogant

01:14:27.680 with what we're doing is they're always behind because they don't really get the depth of

01:14:33.140 what we're doing.

01:14:34.060 They think it's about the assignments.

01:14:35.920 They think it's about the attendance.

01:14:37.840 They think it's about the numbers.

01:14:39.260 They think it's about fill in the blank with whatever metric they're looking at.

01:14:43.260 And I don't think of it like that.

01:14:44.640 Now we use metrics to evaluate growth, but to me, it's about the connections.

01:14:50.540 To me, it's about the guy who had a gun in his mouth.

01:14:54.260 And because he had two guys in the iron council column, he decided to take the gun out of his

01:14:58.020 mouth, put it down and start fixing his shit. 0.98

01:15:01.140 It's the guy who is more connected and romantic and intimate with his wife because he's decided

01:15:06.940 to lose weight and get in shape and feel good about himself so he can show up more fully

01:15:11.180 for her.

01:15:11.680 It's about the guy who had this like amazing dream of starting this business.

01:15:17.260 And he's been thinking about it for a decade, but he's been scared and he doesn't have any

01:15:21.860 resources.

01:15:23.240 And finally, somebody says, I'll help you or I'll hold you accountable.

01:15:27.060 And so he takes one small step and he goes and gets that business license.

01:15:30.380 And then that turns into $10,000 of revenue.

01:15:34.300 And then that turns into six figures.

01:15:35.680 And then he retires from his other company and he decides to take his family on the vacation

01:15:40.460 that he never could do before.

01:15:42.660 And now he has a connected memory with his family that hasn't been available.

01:15:48.280 The metrics are important because they measure something real and tangible, but it's the non-tangibles

01:15:53.760 that most of these organizations don't understand.

01:15:56.480 And I think that's where the value is that we provide.

01:15:58.600 So like you said, Kip, we're going to open up later this week, the 15th of September.

01:16:02.700 Go to order of man.com slash iron council and be part of the same with us.

01:16:07.140 Awesome.

01:16:08.680 All right, brother.

01:16:09.260 Appreciate you, Kip.

01:16:10.120 Guys, appreciate you.

01:16:10.920 Great questions today.

01:16:12.120 We'll keep answering those questions.

01:16:13.460 You keep asking them.

01:16:14.820 Hope you go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:16:17.840 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:16:23.200 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:16:27.340 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

01:16:30.480 We'll be right back.

Order of Man - September 11, 2024

Exploring Tribalism, Personal Growth, and Strengthening Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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