Order of Man - FFN 016： Forging Boundaries

00:00:00.000 You're a man. You're committed to the work required to forge your own destiny.

00:00:04.600 Your blood, your sweat, your tears.

00:00:07.740 You will not be defeated. You cannot be deterred.

00:00:11.480 Nothing stands between you and the victory you seek.

00:00:14.640 You're a rock. Steadfast, resolute, and unwavering.

00:00:18.420 And, at the end of the day, the job will be done.

00:00:22.460 Welcome to your Friday Field Notes.

00:00:25.260 Gentlemen, what's going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.500 and I am the host and founder of Order of Man.

00:00:29.780 We're all about helping men in this world become better men.

00:00:32.860 But I get a lot of questions about what that even means.

00:00:35.380 So, here's the bottom line, guys.

00:00:36.480 We want you to step more fully into your role as a protector, as a provider, as a presider

00:00:41.460 in your family, your business, and your community.

00:00:44.920 And I found that when I, personally, have embraced those roles as a man,

00:00:48.420 I've been happier. I've been more fulfilled.

00:00:50.460 I've been more alive, more respected. I've made more money.

00:00:53.020 I've connected with my wife and my kids on a deeper level.

00:00:55.880 And I lived a life worth living.

00:00:58.620 So, to that end, our goal is to bring you the very best,

00:01:01.920 the most successful people on the planet,

00:01:03.960 and we want to glean some of their tactics, some of their strategies to help you do just that.

00:01:08.020 So, we've interviewed guys like Jocko Willink, Jordan Harbinger,

00:01:11.840 Brett McKay, Lewis Howes, Joe DeSena, and, of course, a ton more.

00:01:15.820 And those are our interview shows, and those are released every single Tuesday.

00:01:19.180 But if you're new to the show today, this is not the interview show that you're listening to.

00:01:23.340 You're listening to our Friday Field Notes edition, which is basically my ramblings of the week for 5-10 minutes.

00:01:29.180 So, you're going to want to subscribe if you haven't done so already, so you never miss a single episode.

00:01:34.380 Next week, I'm dropping a conversation I had with Jason McCarthy, the founder of GORUCK.

00:01:38.560 So, you won't want to miss it.

00:01:40.500 Now, I want to get right into the show today since we don't have a whole lot of time.

00:01:44.040 The topic I want to cover today is forging boundaries.

00:01:46.940 And this is one that a member of our Facebook group asked about.

00:01:50.100 And by the way, if you aren't a member of our Facebook group yet,

00:01:53.320 go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.

00:01:56.580 You can join 6,500 other men that are having some topics and conversations that are important to you.

00:02:03.580 So, if you have a topic you want me to cover, you can let me know inside of that group.

00:02:06.920 Now, let's talk about forging boundaries.

00:02:08.680 I want to make sure I clarify here though first.

00:02:10.960 When I say forging boundaries, what I'm talking about is the boundaries that you need to create between you

00:02:17.100 and the different elements, the different roles of your life.

00:02:20.120 For example, boundaries between your work time and your at home or your family time.

00:02:25.480 This is one of the biggest challenges that I hear from men.

00:02:28.500 And I hear this on a daily basis.

00:02:30.220 How do you create work-life balance?

00:02:32.620 In fact, I get this question so often that I did an earlier Friday Field Notes on the subject,

00:02:37.160 which you can find at orderofman.com slash FFN001.

00:02:42.580 As in Friday Field Notes 001.

00:02:44.640 The problem guys with this phrase, the work-life balance phrase,

00:02:47.800 is it might give you the impression that we're supposed to spend an equal amount of time at work and at home.

00:02:54.600 And the reality is that's the furthest thing from the truth.

00:02:57.220 It's an absolute myth that we can balance this thing perfectly.

00:03:00.980 There's all sorts of course corrections along the way.

00:03:03.480 So first, we need to understand that there's seasons to life.

00:03:06.400 You might be particularly busy with a deadline at work this season.

00:03:09.940 Or like me, you're consumed with writing a book.

00:03:12.600 Or on the other side of that, you might be wrapping up all of your spare time coaching your kids' football team

00:03:17.880 so that everything else gets pushed aside.

00:03:20.740 Second, what are your priorities?

00:03:23.120 See, there's a lot of gurus.

00:03:24.120 There's a lot of experts out there throwing around the term hustle, quote-unquote hustle.

00:03:27.940 And they'll make you believe that you need to spend every waking hour on your business.

00:03:32.660 And there's nothing inherently wrong with that advice except that maybe that's not your dream.

00:03:37.900 Maybe that's not your vision.

00:03:39.680 Maybe your vision is to make just enough money to live a comfortable life

00:03:43.400 and spend the rest of your time engaged with your family.

00:03:45.460 Bottom line here is it doesn't matter what some expert says, what some guru says.

00:03:50.020 It's all about the life you want to create.

00:03:53.240 So again, not about balance, about what you want to create.

00:03:55.840 So now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about a strategy that you can employ

00:03:59.540 not to create balance, but to fulfill your individual priorities.

00:04:04.160 And this is the concept of boundaries.

00:04:05.920 It's a series of checks and balances that you live with.

00:04:09.580 And it's intentional.

00:04:10.500 It's deliberate.

00:04:11.320 It has purpose.

00:04:12.000 So step one, guys, to creating the boundaries required to live that fulfilled life I'm talking about

00:04:17.640 is knowing exactly what you want.

00:04:19.700 What do you want out of your relationships?

00:04:22.000 What do you want for yourself?

00:04:23.280 What do you want out of your business?

00:04:24.660 What do you want when it comes to your health?

00:04:26.180 Can you honestly tell me that you can give me a one sentence answer to each of those questions?

00:04:31.900 If not, I think you need to start at this point.

00:04:34.120 If you're not clear about your goals and you're not clear about your priorities,

00:04:37.460 no amount of time, no amount of planning is going to help.

00:04:41.340 So get very clear about what you want.

00:04:43.040 And then second, after you know exactly what you want,

00:04:46.060 you need to start identifying what you'll tolerate and what you won't

00:04:49.840 in terms mostly of scheduling and time.

00:04:52.820 So again, if you're not clear about how you're going to use your time and energy,

00:04:55.100 I promise you, you are going to get taken advantage of.

00:04:58.480 It's not that people are out to get you,

00:05:00.180 but if you play the quote unquote, the nice guy role

00:05:03.540 and you do everything for everyone at any time, day or night,

00:05:08.360 people will use that to their advantage.

00:05:10.880 So for example, as I was building my financial planning practice,

00:05:14.800 I made a very clear rule.

00:05:16.780 And this is one thing that I just wouldn't tolerate for myself,

00:05:18.900 that I would not meet people in the evenings or on the weekends.

00:05:22.240 And I stuck to it and it was hard,

00:05:24.160 especially when a bigger client would ask to meet in one of those time blocks.

00:05:28.580 But because I knew exactly what I wanted, I was very clear about that.

00:05:31.960 And I took ruthless control of my time.

00:05:34.720 It was easier for me to say no.

00:05:38.060 And you know what was really interesting about that?

00:05:39.620 The type of people that I wanted to work with respected that decision

00:05:43.340 because guess what?

00:05:44.560 They're doing the same thing.

00:05:46.680 They're very clear about what they want.

00:05:48.620 They know what they'll tolerate and what they won't.

00:05:50.760 So they can respect a man who's willing to stick to his guns.

00:05:54.600 So next, once you've identified what you want

00:05:56.980 and you've also articulated what you will tolerate and what you won't,

00:06:01.480 you need to get good at saying the word no.

00:06:05.900 This is one of the hardest things to do.

00:06:08.040 I know from experience, you've already identified what you want

00:06:11.300 when it comes to yourself and your health and your wealth

00:06:13.440 and your relationship goals and objectives.

00:06:14.980 You've already blocked out your calendar to make time to work on each of those areas.

00:06:18.440 But just because you've done that, you've completed step one and two,

00:06:21.840 it does not mean that the request for your time and your energy

00:06:24.960 and your commitment will stop.

00:06:26.240 If anything, they'll increase, but it's only going to last for a little while.

00:06:29.360 And this is the world's way, in my opinion, of testing your resolve.

00:06:32.680 Are you really committed to doing the things that you said you would?

00:06:35.140 If not, you're going to revert back to the way things always have been.

00:06:38.740 But if you are, you'll do the harder thing, at least temporarily, which is to say no.

00:06:44.440 And you'll be able to do it with confidence and conviction,

00:06:47.620 knowing that a particular opportunity, if it ever was that in the first place,

00:06:52.680 just is not in line with your priorities.

00:06:56.060 So I don't want you to worry about this, especially if it's something you're not good at.

00:06:59.640 It will get easier the more you practice.

00:07:01.600 So make sure that every day you are using the words no.

00:07:05.720 Like a little child, my three-year-old is excellent at this.

00:07:08.440 But as we turn into adults, we lose the ability to do it.

00:07:12.060 Because we care about what people think.

00:07:13.720 But at three years old, we don't.

00:07:15.500 All right, so practice, you're going to get better.

00:07:17.340 It is going to get easier.

00:07:18.580 And then the last tip I have for establishing boundaries is the C word.

00:07:23.980 Communication, guys.

00:07:25.020 If there's one thing I just want to beat into everybody's head,

00:07:28.020 it's communication.

00:07:28.900 If your clients don't know what to expect of you,

00:07:31.900 if your friends or your colleagues or your family don't know what to expect of you,

00:07:36.600 it's going to become infinitely harder to stick to these boundaries that you're trying to create.

00:07:41.400 So I want you to communicate at all costs.

00:07:43.520 And when you do, your need to say no will actually go down

00:07:46.880 because people will know what to expect of you.

00:07:49.840 You've got to open your mouth and let those words flow out.

00:07:53.500 Don't let things go unsaid.

00:07:55.440 Say exactly what you're feeling.

00:07:56.880 And again, this is going to get easier with practice.

00:08:00.160 So those are my tips for you guys when it comes to creating boundaries.

00:08:03.100 Of course, there's a lot more.

00:08:04.460 But in a short show like this, those are the main key points.

00:08:08.120 So it's a couple of quick and easy tips to creating boundaries.

00:08:10.800 Let's go through them really quick.

00:08:12.020 Just as a recap, identify first what you want.

00:08:15.320 Next, articulate what you will and will not tolerate.

00:08:19.020 Get good at saying no.

00:08:20.740 And then communicate at all costs.

00:08:23.500 There is no such thing, guys, as over communication.

00:08:25.720 So if you want to learn more about how to implement some of these strategies

00:08:29.180 and learn the other strategies that I have to offer,

00:08:31.540 if you feel like your life is dictated by your wife or your boss or your clients or whoever,

00:08:36.620 if you really want to take control of your life and do the things that you,

00:08:40.240 you want to do, we're showing a hundred plus guys exactly how to do that

00:08:45.660 inside of our elite mastermind, the Iron Council.

00:08:48.000 This is a mastermind of men who are actually doing the work to improve their lives.

00:08:53.300 We've got battle teams, we've got virtual calls, we've got weekly assignments and challenges,

00:08:57.620 and we've got the accountability systems in place that will allow you, again, it's all

00:09:02.180 about you, to take your life to the next level.

00:09:04.860 So if you want to learn more, you can go to orderaman.com slash Iron Council and you can

00:09:09.420 join us there.

00:09:10.580 I hope to see you there.

00:09:11.800 But in the meantime, I will look forward to talking with you next week.

00:09:14.680 Remember guys, take action and live manfully.

00:09:17.380 Those are your Friday Field Notes.

00:09:19.780 Now it's time to crush your excuses, own your choices, accept responsibility, and live manfully.

00:09:26.040 Learn how at orderofman.com forward slash Field Notes.

Order of Man - August 12, 2016

FFN 016： Forging Boundaries

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript