Order of Man - August 12, 2016


FFN 016： Forging Boundaries


Episode Stats

Length

9 minutes

Words per Minute

208.22514

Word Count

1,978

Sentence Count

136


Summary

In this episode of Friday Field Notes, Ryan talks about the importance of establishing boundaries between your work and family life, and how to create a work/life balance that keeps you engaged, fulfilled, and on top of your game.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 You're a man. You're committed to the work required to forge your own destiny.
00:00:04.600 Your blood, your sweat, your tears.
00:00:07.740 You will not be defeated. You cannot be deterred.
00:00:11.480 Nothing stands between you and the victory you seek.
00:00:14.640 You're a rock. Steadfast, resolute, and unwavering.
00:00:18.420 And, at the end of the day, the job will be done.
00:00:22.460 Welcome to your Friday Field Notes.
00:00:25.260 Gentlemen, what's going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
00:00:27.500 and I am the host and founder of Order of Man.
00:00:29.780 We're all about helping men in this world become better men.
00:00:32.860 But I get a lot of questions about what that even means.
00:00:35.380 So, here's the bottom line, guys.
00:00:36.480 We want you to step more fully into your role as a protector, as a provider, as a presider
00:00:41.460 in your family, your business, and your community.
00:00:44.920 And I found that when I, personally, have embraced those roles as a man,
00:00:48.420 I've been happier. I've been more fulfilled.
00:00:50.460 I've been more alive, more respected. I've made more money.
00:00:53.020 I've connected with my wife and my kids on a deeper level.
00:00:55.880 And I lived a life worth living.
00:00:58.620 So, to that end, our goal is to bring you the very best,
00:01:01.920 the most successful people on the planet,
00:01:03.960 and we want to glean some of their tactics, some of their strategies to help you do just that.
00:01:08.020 So, we've interviewed guys like Jocko Willink, Jordan Harbinger,
00:01:11.840 Brett McKay, Lewis Howes, Joe DeSena, and, of course, a ton more.
00:01:15.820 And those are our interview shows, and those are released every single Tuesday.
00:01:19.180 But if you're new to the show today, this is not the interview show that you're listening to.
00:01:23.340 You're listening to our Friday Field Notes edition, which is basically my ramblings of the week for 5-10 minutes.
00:01:29.180 So, you're going to want to subscribe if you haven't done so already, so you never miss a single episode.
00:01:34.380 Next week, I'm dropping a conversation I had with Jason McCarthy, the founder of GORUCK.
00:01:38.560 So, you won't want to miss it.
00:01:40.500 Now, I want to get right into the show today since we don't have a whole lot of time.
00:01:44.040 The topic I want to cover today is forging boundaries.
00:01:46.940 And this is one that a member of our Facebook group asked about.
00:01:50.100 And by the way, if you aren't a member of our Facebook group yet,
00:01:53.320 go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.
00:01:56.580 You can join 6,500 other men that are having some topics and conversations that are important to you.
00:02:03.580 So, if you have a topic you want me to cover, you can let me know inside of that group.
00:02:06.920 Now, let's talk about forging boundaries.
00:02:08.680 I want to make sure I clarify here though first.
00:02:10.960 When I say forging boundaries, what I'm talking about is the boundaries that you need to create between you
00:02:17.100 and the different elements, the different roles of your life.
00:02:20.120 For example, boundaries between your work time and your at home or your family time.
00:02:25.480 This is one of the biggest challenges that I hear from men.
00:02:28.500 And I hear this on a daily basis.
00:02:30.220 How do you create work-life balance?
00:02:32.620 In fact, I get this question so often that I did an earlier Friday Field Notes on the subject,
00:02:37.160 which you can find at orderofman.com slash FFN001.
00:02:42.580 As in Friday Field Notes 001.
00:02:44.640 The problem guys with this phrase, the work-life balance phrase,
00:02:47.800 is it might give you the impression that we're supposed to spend an equal amount of time at work and at home.
00:02:54.600 And the reality is that's the furthest thing from the truth.
00:02:57.220 It's an absolute myth that we can balance this thing perfectly.
00:03:00.980 There's all sorts of course corrections along the way.
00:03:03.480 So first, we need to understand that there's seasons to life.
00:03:06.400 You might be particularly busy with a deadline at work this season.
00:03:09.940 Or like me, you're consumed with writing a book.
00:03:12.600 Or on the other side of that, you might be wrapping up all of your spare time coaching your kids' football team
00:03:17.880 so that everything else gets pushed aside.
00:03:20.740 Second, what are your priorities?
00:03:23.120 See, there's a lot of gurus.
00:03:24.120 There's a lot of experts out there throwing around the term hustle, quote-unquote hustle.
00:03:27.940 And they'll make you believe that you need to spend every waking hour on your business.
00:03:32.660 And there's nothing inherently wrong with that advice except that maybe that's not your dream.
00:03:37.900 Maybe that's not your vision.
00:03:39.680 Maybe your vision is to make just enough money to live a comfortable life
00:03:43.400 and spend the rest of your time engaged with your family.
00:03:45.460 Bottom line here is it doesn't matter what some expert says, what some guru says.
00:03:50.020 It's all about the life you want to create.
00:03:53.240 So again, not about balance, about what you want to create.
00:03:55.840 So now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about a strategy that you can employ
00:03:59.540 not to create balance, but to fulfill your individual priorities.
00:04:04.160 And this is the concept of boundaries.
00:04:05.920 It's a series of checks and balances that you live with.
00:04:09.580 And it's intentional.
00:04:10.500 It's deliberate.
00:04:11.320 It has purpose.
00:04:12.000 So step one, guys, to creating the boundaries required to live that fulfilled life I'm talking about
00:04:17.640 is knowing exactly what you want.
00:04:19.700 What do you want out of your relationships?
00:04:22.000 What do you want for yourself?
00:04:23.280 What do you want out of your business?
00:04:24.660 What do you want when it comes to your health?
00:04:26.180 Can you honestly tell me that you can give me a one sentence answer to each of those questions?
00:04:31.900 If not, I think you need to start at this point.
00:04:34.120 If you're not clear about your goals and you're not clear about your priorities,
00:04:37.460 no amount of time, no amount of planning is going to help.
00:04:41.340 So get very clear about what you want.
00:04:43.040 And then second, after you know exactly what you want,
00:04:46.060 you need to start identifying what you'll tolerate and what you won't
00:04:49.840 in terms mostly of scheduling and time.
00:04:52.820 So again, if you're not clear about how you're going to use your time and energy,
00:04:55.100 I promise you, you are going to get taken advantage of.
00:04:58.480 It's not that people are out to get you,
00:05:00.180 but if you play the quote unquote, the nice guy role
00:05:03.540 and you do everything for everyone at any time, day or night,
00:05:08.360 people will use that to their advantage.
00:05:10.880 So for example, as I was building my financial planning practice,
00:05:14.800 I made a very clear rule.
00:05:16.780 And this is one thing that I just wouldn't tolerate for myself,
00:05:18.900 that I would not meet people in the evenings or on the weekends.
00:05:22.240 And I stuck to it and it was hard,
00:05:24.160 especially when a bigger client would ask to meet in one of those time blocks.
00:05:28.580 But because I knew exactly what I wanted, I was very clear about that.
00:05:31.960 And I took ruthless control of my time.
00:05:34.720 It was easier for me to say no.
00:05:38.060 And you know what was really interesting about that?
00:05:39.620 The type of people that I wanted to work with respected that decision
00:05:43.340 because guess what?
00:05:44.560 They're doing the same thing.
00:05:46.680 They're very clear about what they want.
00:05:48.620 They know what they'll tolerate and what they won't.
00:05:50.760 So they can respect a man who's willing to stick to his guns.
00:05:54.600 So next, once you've identified what you want
00:05:56.980 and you've also articulated what you will tolerate and what you won't,
00:06:01.480 you need to get good at saying the word no.
00:06:05.900 This is one of the hardest things to do.
00:06:08.040 I know from experience, you've already identified what you want
00:06:11.300 when it comes to yourself and your health and your wealth
00:06:13.440 and your relationship goals and objectives.
00:06:14.980 You've already blocked out your calendar to make time to work on each of those areas.
00:06:18.440 But just because you've done that, you've completed step one and two,
00:06:21.840 it does not mean that the request for your time and your energy
00:06:24.960 and your commitment will stop.
00:06:26.240 If anything, they'll increase, but it's only going to last for a little while.
00:06:29.360 And this is the world's way, in my opinion, of testing your resolve.
00:06:32.680 Are you really committed to doing the things that you said you would?
00:06:35.140 If not, you're going to revert back to the way things always have been.
00:06:38.740 But if you are, you'll do the harder thing, at least temporarily, which is to say no.
00:06:44.440 And you'll be able to do it with confidence and conviction,
00:06:47.620 knowing that a particular opportunity, if it ever was that in the first place,
00:06:52.680 just is not in line with your priorities.
00:06:56.060 So I don't want you to worry about this, especially if it's something you're not good at.
00:06:59.640 It will get easier the more you practice.
00:07:01.600 So make sure that every day you are using the words no.
00:07:05.720 Like a little child, my three-year-old is excellent at this.
00:07:08.440 But as we turn into adults, we lose the ability to do it.
00:07:12.060 Because we care about what people think.
00:07:13.720 But at three years old, we don't.
00:07:15.500 All right, so practice, you're going to get better.
00:07:17.340 It is going to get easier.
00:07:18.580 And then the last tip I have for establishing boundaries is the C word.
00:07:23.980 Communication, guys.
00:07:25.020 If there's one thing I just want to beat into everybody's head,
00:07:28.020 it's communication.
00:07:28.900 If your clients don't know what to expect of you,
00:07:31.900 if your friends or your colleagues or your family don't know what to expect of you,
00:07:36.600 it's going to become infinitely harder to stick to these boundaries that you're trying to create.
00:07:41.400 So I want you to communicate at all costs.
00:07:43.520 And when you do, your need to say no will actually go down
00:07:46.880 because people will know what to expect of you.
00:07:49.840 You've got to open your mouth and let those words flow out.
00:07:53.500 Don't let things go unsaid.
00:07:55.440 Say exactly what you're feeling.
00:07:56.880 And again, this is going to get easier with practice.
00:08:00.160 So those are my tips for you guys when it comes to creating boundaries.
00:08:03.100 Of course, there's a lot more.
00:08:04.460 But in a short show like this, those are the main key points.
00:08:08.120 So it's a couple of quick and easy tips to creating boundaries.
00:08:10.800 Let's go through them really quick.
00:08:12.020 Just as a recap, identify first what you want.
00:08:15.320 Next, articulate what you will and will not tolerate.
00:08:19.020 Get good at saying no.
00:08:20.740 And then communicate at all costs.
00:08:23.500 There is no such thing, guys, as over communication.
00:08:25.720 So if you want to learn more about how to implement some of these strategies
00:08:29.180 and learn the other strategies that I have to offer,
00:08:31.540 if you feel like your life is dictated by your wife or your boss or your clients or whoever,
00:08:36.620 if you really want to take control of your life and do the things that you,
00:08:40.240 you want to do, we're showing a hundred plus guys exactly how to do that
00:08:45.660 inside of our elite mastermind, the Iron Council.
00:08:48.000 This is a mastermind of men who are actually doing the work to improve their lives.
00:08:53.300 We've got battle teams, we've got virtual calls, we've got weekly assignments and challenges,
00:08:57.620 and we've got the accountability systems in place that will allow you, again, it's all
00:09:02.180 about you, to take your life to the next level.
00:09:04.860 So if you want to learn more, you can go to orderaman.com slash Iron Council and you can
00:09:09.420 join us there.
00:09:10.580 I hope to see you there.
00:09:11.800 But in the meantime, I will look forward to talking with you next week.
00:09:14.680 Remember guys, take action and live manfully.
00:09:17.380 Those are your Friday Field Notes.
00:09:19.780 Now it's time to crush your excuses, own your choices, accept responsibility, and live manfully.
00:09:26.040 Learn how at orderofman.com forward slash Field Notes.