Order of Man - FFN 023： How to Win Your Wife Back

00:00:00.000 You're a man. You're committed to the work required to forge your own destiny.

00:00:04.600 Your blood. Your sweat. Your tears.

00:00:07.740 You will not be defeated. You cannot be deterred.

00:00:11.480 Nothing stands between you and the victory you seek.

00:00:14.640 You're a rock. Steadfast, resolute, and unwavering.

00:00:18.420 And, at the end of the day, the job will be done.

00:00:22.400 Welcome to your Friday Field Notes.

00:00:25.200 Men, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.440 and I am the host and founder of Order of Man.

00:00:29.520 And, as always, I'm glad you're back with us again here today.

00:00:32.440 Now, if you're new to the show, this is a show about all things manly.

00:00:34.940 Specifically today, we're talking about relationships,

00:00:37.180 but we cover so much more than just relationships.

00:00:39.620 We talk about the psychology of leadership.

00:00:41.980 We talk about self-defense.

00:00:43.380 We talk about strength and conditioning and nutrition.

00:00:45.120 And we talk about anything, really, that is important to you as a man.

00:00:48.620 So, each and every Friday, I release your Friday Field Notes,

00:00:51.880 which is what you're listening to now.

00:00:53.680 This is a short show. It's typically between 7 to 10 minutes.

00:00:56.180 It's just long enough to get to the heart of the matter,

00:00:58.520 but short enough for you to listen to if you only have a few minutes.

00:01:01.160 We also, though, have a longer version,

00:01:03.640 which is released each Tuesday where we interview the world's most successful men.

00:01:07.580 We extract their hard-learned lessons, and then we deliver them right to you.

00:01:11.960 Basically, you need to make sure that you subscribe to this show

00:01:14.160 so you never miss our Fridays or our Tuesdays release.

00:01:17.240 Now, before we get too much into this conversation today,

00:01:19.920 know that you can find all of the show notes,

00:01:21.400 which is basically the transcript for this show

00:01:23.780 at orderofman.com slash FFN, as in Friday Field Notes.

00:01:27.420 So, it's FFN 023.

00:01:30.200 I also share a video titled,

00:01:32.520 Why My Wife Left Me on the show notes page.

00:01:35.560 So, you should probably check that out as well.

00:01:37.560 Now, last thing, we are having some, guys,

00:01:39.800 incredible conversations about all the things manly

00:01:42.920 we want to talk about inside of our closed Facebook group.

00:01:45.920 So, make sure you join the 8,000 men that we have inside of that group

00:01:49.780 at facebook.com slash groups slash orderofmen.

00:01:53.300 Now, let's talk about this today.

00:01:54.320 I titled the name of the podcast,

00:01:55.840 How to Win Your Wife Back. 0.80

00:01:57.760 But it's not just for men who may be going through a separation.

00:02:00.600 It's also for men who are married

00:02:02.200 or who might get married at any time in the future.

00:02:04.900 In other words, the things that I talk about today

00:02:06.700 are going to apply to every single man out there,

00:02:09.700 every single one of you that might be listening.

00:02:11.680 I'm going to share some real life lessons here,

00:02:13.760 some things that I've learned the hard way

00:02:15.140 and shed some light into my darkest days

00:02:17.400 so that hopefully you don't have to go through the same experiences

00:02:20.500 I did roughly seven years ago.

00:02:22.100 Now, I told you I'm not going to get too much into that story.

00:02:24.440 So, if you want to know more, again,

00:02:25.700 visit the show notes page at orderofman.com

00:02:27.760 slash FFN023 to hear that story.

00:02:31.360 But roughly seven years ago,

00:02:33.040 guys, my wife and I decided to call it quits.

00:02:35.980 There was a lot of things that led up to that event,

00:02:37.800 but it finally came to a head one evening

00:02:39.260 and we decided, frankly, to throw in the towel.

00:02:41.180 And for a long time, I blamed her.

00:02:43.360 Why was she doing this to me? 1.00

00:02:44.660 How could she be disloyal?

00:02:46.160 Why wasn't she doing the things that I thought 0.99

00:02:48.140 even a good wife should do? 1.00

00:02:49.920 Those were the questions that were going through my mind.

00:02:51.980 But somewhere along the way,

00:02:53.060 I realized that maybe it just wasn't her.

00:02:55.800 Maybe it wasn't her fault.

00:02:56.960 Maybe I was the one who had let her down.

00:02:59.620 Maybe I was the one who was disloyal.

00:03:01.300 I never cheated on her,

00:03:02.520 but maybe I wasn't there the way she needed me to be

00:03:05.080 mentally and emotionally.

00:03:07.020 Maybe I brought this actually upon myself.

00:03:09.540 And as I came to these realizations,

00:03:11.300 this is where I started to do something about it.

00:03:13.980 And this is the journey that I went on.

00:03:15.400 So I titled this podcast,

00:03:16.500 How to Win My Wife Back.

00:03:17.380 But the reality is that this title is probably

00:03:19.840 a little bit misleading

00:03:21.080 because there's nothing that you can do to change her.

00:03:25.120 You are the only one you have control over.

00:03:28.220 You are the only one you can change.

00:03:31.040 But sometimes that's enough.

00:03:33.160 Sometimes it isn't.

00:03:34.260 So whether your wife decides to come back or not,

00:03:36.760 or you're still together,

00:03:38.020 you can do something about you.

00:03:40.620 And that will always serve you well.

00:03:42.480 So maybe the better title for the podcast,

00:03:44.140 now that I'm thinking of it,

00:03:44.940 would be How to Change Myself.

00:03:46.120 But let's be honest,

00:03:46.880 if I titled it that,

00:03:48.180 you probably wouldn't have listened to this, right?

00:03:50.480 So the reality is this, guys.

00:03:53.000 When you change yourself,

00:03:54.920 people respond differently.

00:03:56.460 So if your wife isn't responding

00:03:58.000 the way that you hoped she would,

00:04:00.140 it has less to do with her

00:04:01.660 and more to do with you

00:04:03.180 and the way that you're behaving,

00:04:05.280 the way that you're thinking about things.

00:04:07.480 And that's what I want to talk with you about today.

00:04:09.000 How to change yourself

00:04:10.520 so that your wife responds.

00:04:12.600 And the things that I'm going to share with you today

00:04:13.720 apply to more

00:04:14.800 than just your romantic relationships.

00:04:16.640 They apply to the relationships

00:04:17.740 you have with your kids

00:04:18.560 and your coworkers,

00:04:19.820 your boss,

00:04:20.340 your employer,

00:04:20.800 your neighbors,

00:04:21.360 and anyone else

00:04:22.460 that you might come in contact with.

00:04:24.140 So how do you do this?

00:04:25.220 How do you change yourself?

00:04:26.800 Here's the conclusion that I've come to,

00:04:28.440 especially as I began my journey seven years ago.

00:04:30.520 Each of us,

00:04:31.660 lives inside of a box.

00:04:32.860 There's no doors.

00:04:33.560 There's no windows.

00:04:34.420 There's no way for us to get out.

00:04:35.800 This is a box of what I call delusions.

00:04:38.000 We've told ourselves so many things,

00:04:40.140 so many scripts,

00:04:41.040 so many lies,

00:04:41.780 so many delusions.

00:04:43.540 Unless you do something

00:04:44.880 about the box that you live in,

00:04:46.580 you will always,

00:04:47.540 always,

00:04:48.160 always experience the same result

00:04:50.140 that you've experienced up to this point.

00:04:52.460 Now,

00:04:52.700 if there's one thing

00:04:53.680 that you need to take away

00:04:54.700 from the conversation today,

00:04:56.460 it's how do I expand this box?

00:04:58.520 How do I let new information

00:05:00.240 inside of this box?

00:05:02.380 So I want to get really tactical with you.

00:05:04.380 It's nice to talk about the dreams

00:05:05.480 and rainbows and hopes and wishes,

00:05:06.960 but unless you know exactly what to do,

00:05:09.620 you're probably going to do a lot of dreaming

00:05:11.600 and not a whole lot of doing.

00:05:13.900 So the first thing

00:05:15.000 that I want to share with you

00:05:16.540 is you need to read books.

00:05:17.640 I cannot overemphasize this enough.

00:05:20.200 I talk about it all the time.

00:05:21.800 You have to start filling this box,

00:05:23.960 which is your mind,

00:05:24.960 with new information.

00:05:26.020 In fact,

00:05:26.700 I did a post on this

00:05:27.440 a couple of months ago,

00:05:28.340 which you can find

00:05:29.340 on the show notes page.

00:05:30.880 Again,

00:05:31.040 that's orderofman.com

00:05:32.120 slash FFN023.

00:05:34.980 But a couple of really good books

00:05:36.300 specifically on relationships,

00:05:38.160 if that's what you're working on,

00:05:39.580 are

00:05:40.000 The Five Love Languages

00:05:41.540 by Gary Chapman

00:05:42.540 and

00:05:43.240 The Way of the Superior Man

00:05:44.880 by David Deada.

00:05:45.820 Start there.

00:05:47.100 We literally,

00:05:47.960 guys,

00:05:48.160 have access

00:05:48.720 to the greatest minds

00:05:49.720 the world has ever seen.

00:05:51.900 And you can tap into them

00:05:52.940 for free.

00:05:54.060 And I personally read

00:05:54.900 about 40 to 50 books per year

00:05:56.560 and every time

00:05:57.640 I read,

00:05:58.560 guys,

00:05:58.740 I learn something new

00:05:59.900 which expands my box

00:06:01.440 and my level of thinking.

00:06:03.640 Second,

00:06:04.420 you need to find

00:06:05.420 a new group of people

00:06:07.280 to spend time with.

00:06:08.800 I want you to inventory

00:06:09.880 the people you're spending time with

00:06:11.200 and I want you to consider

00:06:12.260 and start identifying

00:06:13.240 new people,

00:06:14.860 a new group of people.

00:06:16.520 Invite other people

00:06:17.480 into your world,

00:06:18.180 but not just anyone.

00:06:19.160 I'm talking about

00:06:19.660 successful people,

00:06:20.660 people who will challenge you,

00:06:21.800 people who are going to push you,

00:06:24.060 people who will help expand

00:06:25.800 your way of thinking.

00:06:27.440 There's a great resource,

00:06:28.440 another great resource

00:06:29.200 on this.

00:06:30.280 Go listen to the podcast interview

00:06:31.640 I did with Stephen Mansfield.

00:06:33.320 We talked about

00:06:33.980 building your band of brothers.

00:06:36.040 This is what I'm talking about here.

00:06:37.560 That one is at

00:06:38.400 orderofman.com

00:06:39.400 slash 076.

00:06:41.100 But this is paramount,

00:06:41.960 you guys.

00:06:42.680 This strategy alone

00:06:43.920 has the power

00:06:45.220 to catapult you

00:06:46.260 out of your current reality

00:06:47.480 into the stratosphere.

00:06:49.100 So if you're struggling

00:06:50.320 with your business,

00:06:51.620 find successful business owners.

00:06:53.300 If you're struggling

00:06:54.120 with your weight,

00:06:54.760 find fitness

00:06:55.560 and nutrition coaches.

00:06:56.860 If you're struggling

00:06:57.360 as a father and a husband,

00:06:59.040 find men

00:06:59.740 who are getting it right.

00:07:01.420 Get out there,

00:07:02.100 find the people

00:07:02.700 that have figured it out

00:07:03.480 and do what they do.

00:07:04.960 Now the next point

00:07:05.720 that I want to make

00:07:06.900 is that you have to get right

00:07:08.440 with yourself.

00:07:09.840 This is the hardest

00:07:10.640 one to do,

00:07:11.740 but it's probably

00:07:12.440 the most important.

00:07:13.640 A lot of the baggage guys

00:07:14.740 that we carry around

00:07:15.640 has to do with the way

00:07:17.180 that we think

00:07:17.760 about the world

00:07:18.400 and how we are currently

00:07:19.800 interacting with it.

00:07:21.080 We take these

00:07:21.960 thought processes

00:07:23.140 that we have

00:07:24.240 and we project them

00:07:25.680 out into the world

00:07:26.460 and onto other people

00:07:27.640 and then we wonder

00:07:28.360 why those people

00:07:29.640 aren't responding

00:07:30.540 the way that we

00:07:31.420 would like them to.

00:07:32.680 So let's get really

00:07:33.620 specific on this.

00:07:34.980 Health.

00:07:35.740 Alright,

00:07:35.960 what are you doing

00:07:36.760 for your body?

00:07:38.120 What food

00:07:38.740 are you putting

00:07:39.460 into this machine?

00:07:40.500 What muscles

00:07:41.320 are you exercising?

00:07:42.560 You need to shock

00:07:43.220 the system

00:07:43.740 by doing something new,

00:07:45.180 by becoming

00:07:45.980 somebody new.

00:07:47.020 Next is wealth.

00:07:48.360 How do your finances look?

00:07:50.000 Money is one of

00:07:50.880 the biggest drivers

00:07:52.200 of arguments

00:07:52.840 in a relationship.

00:07:54.240 Are you tracking

00:07:54.780 your money?

00:07:55.680 Are you looking

00:07:56.180 for new ways

00:07:56.880 to make extra money?

00:07:58.380 Are you spending

00:07:58.960 less or more

00:07:59.840 than you earn?

00:08:00.500 Get this stuff

00:08:01.140 under control.

00:08:02.580 And then the last issue

00:08:03.320 on this is yourself,

00:08:04.700 spirituality.

00:08:05.320 And I'm not necessarily

00:08:05.940 talking about religion.

00:08:07.000 I'm talking about

00:08:07.520 the spirit and the mind.

00:08:08.940 Are you meditating?

00:08:09.820 Are you participating

00:08:10.620 in hobbies and activities

00:08:12.360 that are engaging to you?

00:08:14.000 If not,

00:08:14.520 you've got to carve out

00:08:15.300 time to do that.

00:08:16.180 Look,

00:08:16.720 as I know this stuff

00:08:17.680 sounds super simple

00:08:18.780 and the best answers,

00:08:20.700 they usually are.

00:08:21.880 So if you're struggling

00:08:22.600 in your marriage,

00:08:23.300 if you're going

00:08:24.100 through a separation,

00:08:25.220 if you're going

00:08:25.740 through a divorce,

00:08:26.920 you need to focus

00:08:27.800 less attention on her.

00:08:29.580 Do not smother her.

00:08:31.400 Focus less attention

00:08:32.340 on her

00:08:32.880 and more attention

00:08:34.500 on you.

00:08:35.200 I know it sounds

00:08:35.940 counterintuitive,

00:08:36.900 but when you change,

00:08:38.360 the way she responds

00:08:39.740 to you

00:08:40.420 will change.

00:08:41.520 So try this stuff

00:08:42.700 for a day

00:08:43.520 or a week

00:08:44.160 or a month

00:08:44.760 and just see

00:08:45.860 where it leads you.

00:08:47.220 You have nothing to lose

00:08:48.100 and everything to gain.

00:08:49.220 And at the end of the day,

00:08:49.940 the women in our lives,

00:08:51.000 they're looking for leaders.

00:08:52.920 They're looking for assertiveness.

00:08:54.520 They're looking for men 1.00

00:08:55.260 with energy

00:08:55.900 and passion

00:08:56.620 and drive

00:08:57.360 and motivation.

00:08:58.800 And the odds are

00:08:59.600 you have limit amounts

00:09:00.440 of that left.

00:09:01.080 The world may have

00:09:01.900 beat you up

00:09:02.600 with financial problems

00:09:03.620 and health problems,

00:09:04.620 divorce,

00:09:05.440 job loss,

00:09:06.120 illness,

00:09:06.620 injury.

00:09:07.500 You need to learn

00:09:08.760 to stand

00:09:09.580 on your own two feet

00:09:10.900 and when you do,

00:09:12.480 she will respond.

00:09:14.580 Now, I hope that helps

00:09:15.360 to some degree, men.

00:09:16.620 I hope that you're able

00:09:17.300 to save your marriage.

00:09:18.400 Stop blaming her.

00:09:19.900 Stop focusing on her.

00:09:21.360 Start blaming yourself.

00:09:23.040 Start taking care

00:09:23.960 of yourself.

00:09:24.860 Do the things

00:09:25.420 that you can do

00:09:26.160 to expand your mind

00:09:27.340 and expand your way

00:09:28.700 of thinking.

00:09:29.720 Start doing

00:09:30.380 what you know

00:09:31.720 you need to do

00:09:32.800 and start living

00:09:33.740 as the man

00:09:34.460 that you were meant to be.

00:09:35.700 Those are your

00:09:36.940 Friday Field Notes.

00:09:38.200 Now, it's time

00:09:39.200 to crush your excuses,

00:09:40.580 own your choices,

00:09:41.820 accept responsibility,

00:09:43.540 and live manfully.

00:09:44.980 Learn how

00:09:45.500 at orderofman.com

00:09:47.140 forward slash field notes.

Order of Man - September 30, 2016

FFN 023： How to Win Your Wife Back

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