Order of Man - FFN 062： Building a Rite of Passage

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is

00:00:27.260 Ryan Michler, and I am the host of this podcast, The Order of Man. Welcome to your Friday Field

00:00:32.440 Notes. Each Friday, guys, I share some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain for

00:00:36.740 the last week, and I have got a great one for you today. If this is your first time listening

00:00:41.560 to the show, we also have an interview show where I interview the world's most successful

00:00:46.100 men on the planet, and I make their wisdom and their lessons available to you so you can

00:00:52.240 in turn produce the results that you are after in your life. So with that said, guys, make

00:00:56.500 sure if you would and you haven't done this already to subscribe so you never miss this,

00:01:01.440 your Friday Field Notes or our interviews with guys like Jocko Willink, Andy Frisilla,

00:01:06.560 Brett McKay, Tim Kennedy, Grant Cardone, so many more amazing and incredibly successful

00:01:10.940 men that you are going to want to hear from and learn from. And one last thing before I

00:01:15.100 get into the conversation today, guys, I want you to know about our very first Order of

00:01:18.920 Man meetup. You may have heard me talking about it before. We're probably going to be doing

00:01:22.960 more of these, but we need to make sure this works and we need to work out any kinks that

00:01:27.700 we may have. So the first event is going to be held August 12th, 2017, and that's going

00:01:33.420 to be in Kansas City. So if you're anywhere near there, get to the event. If you're not

00:01:37.400 near Kansas City, still get to the event. I'm going to be there. Steven Mansfield, the author

00:01:42.540 of Mansfield's Book of Manly Men and Building Your Band of Brothers is going to be there.

00:01:46.540 Larry Hagner from the Good Dad Project. A lot of you guys know him. Josiah Novak is going

00:01:50.520 to be talking about fitness and nutrition. My right hand man and friend, Steven Heiner

00:01:54.260 is also going to be there. Guys, it's going to be a killer event. So you can register at

00:01:58.480 orderofman.com slash event. All right. With that said, I want to get into the discussion

00:02:04.100 and the topic of today. Now, as many of you know, we've got a pretty active Facebook group.

00:02:10.200 It's actually pretty incredible and overwhelming at times. But one of the reoccurring trends that

00:02:15.860 keeps popping up in the group is how to create a rite of passage for your children, specifically

00:02:22.200 for your boys. We're probably going to talk about girls another day, but specifically today,

00:02:25.820 I'm talking about creating a rite of passage for your son or sons. It's a tradition that dates back

00:02:33.080 as long as humans have walked this planet. But it seems to me that the idea of a rite of passage

00:02:39.280 is going away. And unless a young man plays competitive sports or he's in scouts or he

00:02:45.680 joins the military, maybe he just isn't going to be initiated, initiated into manhood. And I think

00:02:51.800 that this has actually probably caused a lot of the problems that we see with boys who never leave

00:02:58.320 the nest 30, 35, 40 years old. And they're still living in their parents' basement because they never

00:03:03.260 really understood that they are men now and they are supposed to behave and act like men.

00:03:08.940 And that is what I want to talk with you about today. I took my oldest son on a rite of passage

00:03:14.440 last year. He was eight at the time. He's nine now. And we both learned a ton about how to do this

00:03:19.520 and about each other. So today I want to share with you the ins and outs of that trip first,

00:03:24.940 and then I'll break down six key components of any rite of passage so that you can recreate your

00:03:33.120 own. So again, last year I took my son on this rite of passage. He was eight. So it wasn't anything

00:03:37.740 too elaborate, but the ramifications of our camping trip, I think are still at play today. First, it was

00:03:44.780 a two day camping trip. It was just me and him. I told him what we were going to be doing and

00:03:49.120 immediately guys immediately got him involved in the planning process of the trip. He came up with the

00:03:54.440 packing list and the food list, some of the activities that he wanted to participate in. And he also

00:03:59.440 helped load the truck and the food and our bags, firewood, everything else that we needed.

00:04:04.360 Before I left, I presented him with a Gerber multi-tool that he would be using for the trip

00:04:10.860 in a series of tasks that him and I had created that he was going to need to complete over the two

00:04:16.980 days. And so to give you an example of what some of those tasks were, he had to build a campfire,

00:04:22.380 set up the camp. We did some geocaching. You can look into what that is. That's actually a lot of fun.

00:04:27.100 Uh, we set up cans for him to shoot as he walked through firearm safety with me. He cooked dinner

00:04:32.020 for us. In other words, he did it all. And that was the point I wanted him to do as much

00:04:36.320 as possible. And so after we completed some of those tasks and we had eaten dinner, I sat him

00:04:41.780 down at the campfire and I pulled out two lion figurines that I had bought before the trip.

00:04:48.020 And one of them was a lion cub and the other was a full grown male lion. And what I told him is I

00:04:54.500 told him that he was the cub right now. And in order to become the lion King that he's growing

00:05:00.720 up to be, he's going to have to learn some things between now and then, and he's going to have to

00:05:05.440 become responsible and accountable for himself, which at this point, eight years old, he's, he's

00:05:10.560 not. So I talked to him about that transition. And so we talked about specifically three pillars

00:05:16.300 of masculinity. Most of you, all of you should know by now what those are protect, provide,

00:05:21.820 and preside and how important those responsibilities are for men to step into.

00:05:26.760 By the way, if you want to learn more about protecting, providing and presiding, you can

00:05:30.960 check out the Friday field notes. I did when I very first started doing the Friday field

00:05:35.040 notes at order of man.com slash FFN is in Friday field notes. So FFN zero zero two, but we did

00:05:42.080 some more of his tasks that evening and we called it a night. And as we winded down our rite

00:05:46.660 of passage, he asked me if he could take his lions to school so that he could teach the

00:05:52.240 kids in his class about protecting, providing and presiding. And I, of course I knew at that

00:05:57.660 moment that he had really latched onto the ideas that I had shared with him over the course

00:06:01.960 of two days. After our trip was done, I presented him with his first 22 rifle. And that was a

00:06:07.760 symbol, a symbol that he had completed his initial rite of passage. And then I trusted him

00:06:13.740 at that point with a firearm. In other words, he had graduated to some degree into boyhood.

00:06:20.240 We hugged it out. We called it good. We talk about that trip though. Even today we talk about

00:06:24.780 it so much. And in fact, I have a more intense rite of passage planned for him next year when

00:06:30.280 he's 10 years old. So that said with the, uh, with the remainder of time that we have today,

00:06:34.960 I want to talk with you about six key elements that I think every rite of passage should include.

00:06:40.900 And the first element is that it has to be exclusive to you and him. I don't think it

00:06:46.400 should include the rest of the family. It shouldn't include siblings or friends. It needs to be father

00:06:53.040 and son only. There are other times to involve family and friends, but this rite of passage is

00:06:58.920 not one of them. And next you have to get your son involved. If you do it all, it doesn't teach him

00:07:05.740 anything and you won't get any buy-in and that buy-in and a rite of passage is extremely,

00:07:10.500 extremely important. He has to do it. Yes. He's going to be a little bit slower than if you would

00:07:15.440 have done it. Yes. He's probably going to get a few things wrong, but that's kind of the point

00:07:19.420 is to teach and to learn and him to mess up in a way, in a controlled environment. I'll tell you

00:07:25.220 what, if he forgets the toilet paper on a trip like this, I guarantee you that he's not going to do

00:07:31.100 that again. But it also has to be challenging. You guys, it has to be a challenge for him.

00:07:36.000 If you do everything for him, he's not going to have the opportunity to figure anything out.

00:07:41.160 And if it isn't a little bit of a struggle, at least you're kind of just hanging out and you're

00:07:45.860 not going through an initiation into boyhood or manhood, create tasks, create challenges,

00:07:52.660 make them stimulate his body and his mind and his soul. He should come back from the rite of passage as

00:07:59.720 you should tired and exhausted because you put it all out there during the actual event.

00:08:06.000 And then along that note, the fourth component of this is there has to be some sort of lesson

00:08:10.640 or some sort of instruction included. Again, this isn't a weekend to hang out. It's an opportunity to

00:08:16.660 learn what it means to be a man. So you need to ask him questions, allow him to ask you questions

00:08:22.080 and even prepare a lesson. So you can share with him about masculinity and manhood and the types of

00:08:28.240 discussions that you think he should know about potentially even conversations like the birds

00:08:33.360 and bees. You guys get it. There also has to be though, guys, some sort of tangible proof that he

00:08:39.260 completed this rite of passage for my son. It was his multi-tool. It was the two lions that he received

00:08:45.140 and it was also his 22 rifle. You have to signify the transfer from a toddler to a boy or from a boy

00:08:53.800 into a man. And this is going to allow him to look back on those tangible items and reflect on what he

00:08:59.600 learned during the rite of passage. You want him to draw back on those experiences, not only over the

00:09:05.200 next couple of years, but for the rest of his life. And I also think that if you're going to give some

00:09:09.820 sort of gift or something that he earns, I wouldn't say a gift, but something he earns, I think it should

00:09:15.640 be something that's going to last a lifetime. It shouldn't be like a certificate or something like that.

00:09:20.480 It's got to be something that's going to last a lifetime and potentially something that can be

00:09:25.120 passed on to his son or sons when he carries on the tradition you started. And the last item guys

00:09:32.240 that I want to share with you is that this is just the beginning that you have to follow up with him.

00:09:38.120 You have to take him on additional, more complex, more intense rites of passage as he gets older and

00:09:45.520 moves into these next phases of his life. I plan on doing one every two years with my kids starting

00:09:51.380 at eight years old, like I did with my son last year. And that means they'll have six rites of

00:09:56.140 passages that they'll need to complete before they are 18 years old. So there it is, guys. I know I

00:10:02.960 didn't tell you exactly what to do, but that was the point. I didn't want to tell you exactly what to

00:10:08.060 do. I want to get the creative juices flowing for you. You might like what I did and decide to model

00:10:13.480 that. You might like elements and have your own ideas, but the point is to craft something that

00:10:18.060 is going to work for you too. That's going to take some thought and that's going to take some insight,

00:10:23.400 but I promise that it is worth it as your son transitions from a boy to a man. And if there's

00:10:29.080 one thing, guys, that I think we're supposed to do as fathers, it's to make that transition happen

00:10:34.200 as effectively as possible. So again, the key components are exclusivity, involvement. It's got to

00:10:40.700 be challenging. It has to be instructional. There has to be proof, tangible proof, and then the

00:10:46.060 follow-up. So I think it'd be cool to see what you guys are doing as far as rites of passages go. So

00:10:50.560 if you would do this tag at order of man, you can do it on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook

00:10:55.900 with pictures of your rite of passage with your son. So we can all see what those are and gain some

00:11:01.880 inspiration of our own. Again, guys, as I sign off today, get registered for our one day meetup in

00:11:08.280 Kansas city on August 12th, 2017. And also I forgot to mention this earlier, and I'm not going to get

00:11:13.480 too much into detail, but take a look at what we're up to inside of our exclusive brotherhood.

00:11:17.640 We talk about things like this, rites of passages and bounce ideas off each other. And it's just,

00:11:22.080 it's an amazing and incredible community where we come together and help each other succeed as men.

00:11:27.180 So you can do that at orderofman.com slash iron council until next week, guys, take action on those

00:11:33.360 rites of passages, become the man you are meant to be and help your son do the same. Thank you for

00:11:39.460 listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man

00:11:44.560 you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 30, 2017

FFN 062： Building a Rite of Passage

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