FFN 069： Turning Darkness Into Light
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Summary
When life knocks you down, you are not easily deterred or defeated. You re a man of action. You live life to the fullest. You embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path. You are not weak, you re strong.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan
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Mickler, and I am the host and founder of this podcast, The Order of Men. Each and every
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week, we are interviewing some incredible men. We're extracting some hard-fought, hard-learned
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lessons from them, and we are delivering those conversations straight to you. Guys, this one's
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a little different. If you don't already know, this is our Friday Field Notes, where you get
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to hear me ramble for usually about 10 minutes, although this is very different today, about
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some thoughts that I've had from throughout the week. But again, this one, this one is
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really unique. Today, I'm going to share with you my presentation from the meltdown in the
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desert a couple of months ago. I've had a lot of you request the replay of this presentation,
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so I thought, what better way than to make it available in our Friday Field Notes. I'm
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going to let you listen to that in a couple of minutes, guys. But before I do, let me give
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you a couple of quick resources. First, make sure you check out our 36,000 member strong Facebook
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group at facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. And second, go take a look at all the
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things happening in our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council. When I started my journey
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of becoming a better man a couple of years ago, the hardest part for me was finding other
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guys that actually wanted to go on that same journey that I was trying to go on. It seems
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like everywhere I turned, the guys in my life at the time were either interested in where
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the next party was or completely oblivious to the state of mediocrity that we were all living in at
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the time. I took a lot of hard work and time to find men who inspired me, who motivated me,
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who uplifted me, which is why I spent a lot of time and attention developing the Iron Council so
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that you wouldn't have to spend all that time and that energy and that attention looking for other
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guys who are interested in winning and interested in helping you do the same. And you can check it all
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out and find out what we're about at order of man.com slash iron council. Now, without any more
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delay, here is my presentation at the meltdown in the desert about how to turn the dark moments of
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your life into light for yourself and those people that you care about in your life. I want to share
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with you a story because it's changed my life. And the story that I'm going to share with you is dark
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and miserable and horrible and tragic and everything else that it was for me. I thank God every day that
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I went through that experience because that experience is what's transformed my life. And I
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want you to think about it for a second and think about all the shit and all the baggage and all the
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stuff that you've dealt with in your life and ask yourself, am I holding on to this and letting it pull
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me down? Or am I using this as fuel to light my own fire and light the fire of the people that care
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about you? And that's what I've learned to do. It's funny that I'm up here right now because I've been
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in some dark places. I've been in some horrible places. The darkest time in my life was nine years
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ago. My wife and I got into an argument. I can't really remember what that argument was about.
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But I remember that I said to her, I don't even want to be married to you anymore. It breaks my heart
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to even say it right now. And she agreed. And the next day I left for some training about four hours
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north for the company I was working with. And I got about an hour down the way and I said, what the
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hell are you doing, Ryan? Your life is falling apart. You're fat. You're miserable. You're out of shape.
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Your business is failing. And most importantly, the woman that you love is now leaving with your
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six-month-old son. So I turned around and I drove back home and I tried to convince her to stay.
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And by then it was too little too late. And that morning she was gone with my six-month-old son.
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And for a long time I blamed her. I blamed her. I said, how could she do this to me? Why was she this
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way? Why wasn't she doing this? Why didn't she appreciate everything that I was doing for the
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family? And I don't know why it changed. I'm grateful that it did. But one day I came to the
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conclusion, I can tell you the road that I was on. I can tell you the cross street that I was on.
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I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't entirely her fault. Maybe I had something
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to do with it. And up until that point, I was trying to manipulate and coerce and all but force
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her to come back to me. And none of that was working. And for the first time I came to the
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conclusion that, you know what, Ryan, this relationship might actually be over. You might
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have lost her for good. And as interesting as this sounds, that was a very liberating feeling for me.
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Because for the first time it allowed me to do what I needed to do and what every single person
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needs to do in their life. And that is take ultimate responsibility and ownership of your own
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life. And Sean talked about it earlier, placing the baggage and placing the responsibility and
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placing the excuses and the burdens on everybody else. But I decided to take it upon me. Because
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regardless of how she behaved during the relationship, and she'd be the first to tell
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you that there was things that she was doing wrong, there was nothing I could do about it.
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And so for the first time in my life, frankly, I decided I'm going to go to work on myself.
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I'm going to be a good man. Because I'm going to be a good man not only for myself, but the next
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woman to come into my life. And what was really fascinating about this is as I used that negative
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experience, and I used the realization that it was my fault, as fuel, I began to go to work on
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myself. And as I went to work on myself, and I surrounded myself with the right people, and I put
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the right information in my head, and I got in shape, and I got my finances in order, and I did those
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things. It was really interesting. Guess what? She responded to that. And people will respond
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to you. Not when you manipulate them, not when you coerce them, not when you tell them what
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they should or shouldn't do, or how they should behave, or how they shouldn't behave, but how
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you decide to show up. The reason I tell you this is because some of you met my wife, and
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some of you met my four kids. On Monday, we celebrate our 13-year anniversary. And as exciting
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as that is, the reason I wanted to share that story with you is because that story, and it was a dark
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time. Those of you who have been through a separation or a divorce, or worse, know what that's like.
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was the catalyst for change in my life. And not only that, it was a catalyst for change in the lives
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of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of other people. And it's because I decided that I was going
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to learn to share that story. The only difference between the guy that was sitting in the audience
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last year, and the guy that's standing here right now, is the fact that somewhere along the way, I grew
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the balls to actually share that story. To tell people that I was inadequate. To tell people I
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didn't have it all figured out. And to tell people, frankly, that I, at one point in my life, and maybe
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to some degree still am, an asshole. Truthfully, that's the deal. But it takes courage. It takes
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your ability to put yourself out there. It takes the ability to share with the world some of your own
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inadequacies. But that's hard. You know, as I work with men from all over the world, one of the most
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common questions and themes that I get asked is, how do I build confidence? I'm not confident, Ryan. How do I
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build confidence with women? How do I build confidence in my business? How do I build confidence like
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Young Neva did to stand up here and ask for help and sponsorships? How do I build confidence? And the only
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answer, and I know there was a couple here asking about being able to share present day stories. I don't know if
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they're still here. They were up there, but maybe they moved. This is how you do it. You do it. You do
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it. Like confident. You don't just get to have confidence. You're not entitled to it. You're not
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entitled to be inspired this weekend. Like I wasn't entitled to my wife's love and support. I'm not
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entitled to somebody's friendship. I'm not entitled to somebody spending their money with me. All of that
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stuff has to be earned. You have to earn that. And the only way that you get to earn the
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confidence required to share a story like I just shared with you and basically cry when I tell
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everybody I'm a manly man in front of 200 people is through confidence and sharing your story,
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doing what is actually required. But the problem with that, and this is a big problem, because all
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of us have fear, right? Every single one of us is afraid. We're afraid. And the funny thing about fear
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is that we've been biologically programmed to be fearful. If you go back thousands and thousands of
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years as man was first on this planet, what we're afraid of. We're afraid of the elements. We're
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afraid of overgrown lizards eating us. And what's really fascinating is the same fears translate now
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over to modern man, us today, and we're still afraid. Because what? We want to stay alive. That's
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the point. We want to stay alive. But instead of being overgrown lizards, what we're afraid about is
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what if somebody says something hurtful? What if somebody says something mean? What if somebody
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judges me? What if somebody says something about me that I don't like or that hurts my feelings? Like
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it's funny when I say that, but I'm scared of that every single day. I was nervous before I came up
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here and getting in front of you guys to talk. I'm nervous every single time I hit record on a
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podcast. I'm nervous every time I wake up and I open Facebook to see what comments people made about
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me. I'm nervous and I'm fearful and I'm scared. The reason this is important, because if you want to
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overcome that fear and you want to develop and build the confidence required to share the types
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of stories that you have, that you should be sharing, it's going to require you to overcome
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that fear. Now, how do we do that? We do that by recognizing that first and foremost, our pride and
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our ego and our arrogance gets in the way. Because I think I'm special, right? Like I think there's
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something in my life that is unique and special. And if I put it out into the world and Tommy, just
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because I know you and I can see you, you decide to step on it, then all of a sudden my ego is
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shattered. So rather than share the truth, I got to maintain that pride, maintain that ego. I don't
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want anybody to squish on that. But here's an interesting thing. All of you guys are here because
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you want to grow and you want to expand. Am I right? Raise your hand if that's true. Is everybody here
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to want to expand? All right. So I need everybody right now for just a second to be brave. Can
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everybody be brave with me? I'm not going to ask you to do something crazy, but can you be brave for
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a minute? Raise your hand. All right, here's what we're going to do. If you would, please stand up
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and stay standing if you have ever been through a divorce or a separation. Stand up.
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Stay standing. Okay. Raise your hand, or excuse me, stand up if you would, if you've ever been
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addicted to drugs or alcohol or pornography. Stand up. Stay standing. Everybody stay standing. If
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you already stood up once, just stay standing. Raise your hand if you've ever watched a brother die on
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the battlefield. Raise your hand if you've ever lost a loved one. See, I say raise your hand. I mean
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stand up. Come on, guys. Interpret that, would you? Okay, stand up. All right. Stand up if you've ever
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been embarrassed about something you've done or said or who you were in the past. Okay. Stand up if
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you've been sexually abused. Stand up if you've been arrested. Stand up if you've thought about
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committing suicide or even attempted suicide. Now, for just a second, I want you to do this.
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Turn around to your left and right and behind you and look at everybody standing up.
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Every single one of us in here is standing up. You think you're special. You can sit down.
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Everything that you've gone through, other people have gone through. And what is truly going to make
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you special is the desire and the ability to stand up when nobody tells you to stand up.
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And that's what I had to do. I had to stand up and share a lot of stories about myself. In fact,
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I was talking with Colby. I think he just stepped out. I think that's the first time he got introduced
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to me when I shared that video about my wife and I separating. What's really fascinating,
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you guys, is people are craving leaders. They're craving light. They're craving for somebody who's
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using the negative experiences that they've gone through and the negative experience the person
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beside you has gone through. And everybody in this room, they're waiting for somebody to be able
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to use that as fuel to light the fire that's going to help them get out of their own darkness.
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And we have a job to do. Every single person in here is a leader. You're all leaders.
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And by design, a leader is somebody that's willing to go first. A leader is somebody who's been through
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where other people are trying to go and has figured out a way to get from point A to point Z.
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And now a leader looks back and says, follow me. Here's how I did it. I'll light the way for you.
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And you light that way and you show that person how they can overcome whatever it is they're trying
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to overcome. I believe in God. I don't care what you believe in, but I believe that I have a moral
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obligation to take my experiences and my background and my culture and my beliefs and all of the things
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that I've gone through and share that with the world. Like why else would I have those experiences?
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This isn't just happenstance. This isn't just randomly these things happen to you. No, that's
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fuel. Like that dark matter gets to be used as fuel to light the way for somebody else who might be
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doing or going through the same thing you're going through. And if you're not willing to stand up
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when nobody tells you to stand up, bottom line, you're selfish. You're selfish. Just like I'm
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selfish. I want to keep that stuff reserved because I want to keep my ego and my pride intact.
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But I'm telling you the best way to be a leader, the best way to be a lighthouse, the best way to
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lead the light and let people overcome whatever it is they're trying to overcome is to share those
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experiences. Are you guys familiar with the lighthouse concept, the lighthouse and the tugboat? A lot of you
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guys, I know familiar faces probably are. Let me share with you a little bit about that lighthouse
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analogy. If you think about what the lighthouse does, what the job of a lighthouse, the job of a
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lighthouse is to shine, to warn impeding ships of danger, right? Here's the shore. You're going to crash
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into the shore. We're going to warn you so you don't hit these rocks, right? Compare that and contrast
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that with a tugboat. A tugboat, I was down in, where was I? I was down in Southern California. I can't
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remember right offhand because I traveled around quite a bit, but I was down there and I watched a tugboat
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and it was pushing around this huge, this huge ship with the connexes, the big storage units on it
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and it was, there was two tugboats on each side and it was pushing it back and forth, back and forth
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so it wouldn't run into any other ships or any other structures or the harbor. And it's really funny
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because those are designed to rescue and save ships and so was a lighthouse. But if you think about what
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a lighthouse's job is, a lighthouse is to stand there immovable, to not shake, to not move and to keep
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putting out that light. It doesn't go down into the water. It doesn't chase people around. It just
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stands there. And you guys, as you start to share your stories, and I'm going to encourage that you
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do, if there's something that you walk away with, it's that you're going to start sharing this stuff,
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people are going to try to beat you up. You're going to face the elements. You're going to face
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critics. People are going to try to beat you down. They're going to try to get you to come down
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from your watch, from that lighthouse and say, stop shining so brightly.
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And it's not because they don't like that you're shining brightly. It's because they don't want
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to have to shine brightly too. Because it's easier not to shine. It's easier to maintain the status
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quo. It's easier to go the way that things have always gone and to do things the way they've always
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been done. But if you truly want something new, and you truly want something different, and you truly
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want to be the leader that we're talking about, and step into the light, and use the fuel, the
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negative experiences, to help other people overcome their trials, that's what it's going to take. And
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you're going to have to be willing to face some of that criticism. Potentially even a lot of that
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criticism. So here's what we're going to do. Does everybody have something to take notes with, or
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something they can write down on their phone, whatever it may be? Grab that out right now. Okay? Grab that out.
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Because I don't want this to be something where you get hyped up, and you get motivated for a couple
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of days, and then you go home, and everything's the same. I don't want it to be like that. So I'm
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going to tell you, I'm going to give you an assignment. And the guys that spend any amount of
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time with me, Chris, and Matthew, and Andrew up there, and some of you guys, Ed, know this. Like, I'm
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not going to let you go without giving you an assignment. All right? So here's the assignment. I want
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you to start writing down the things in your life that you would traditionally consider negative
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experiences. Divorce, separation, addiction, arrest, abuse, physical, emotional, mental abuse,
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you name it. Loss of a loved one. A couple of you raised your hand about losing a brother on a
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battlefield. Committing, or even thinking about and contemplating suicide. Write that stuff down.
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Write that stuff down. Because I want you to start identifying these things. Here's what's
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really fascinating. I went to Iraq in 2005, 2005, 2006. And it would have been laughable if we went
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into battle and pretended like the enemy didn't exist. Right? Like, pretend that nobody's there.
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Pretend the threat's not real. And what's really funny is if you watch a little kid, like my daughter,
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she's three years old. When she gets scared, what does she do? Hand over the eyes. Right? Like,
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somehow if you put your hand over your eyes and you don't see it, then the threat goes away. But we
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laugh at that. And yet all of us do this. And so right now I'm encouraging you to go into the dark
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place for a minute and draw upon the negative experiences and the hardships and the heartaches
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and the trials and everything that you've been through and write those things down.
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Now here's the challenge because that's the easy part. Sometime in the next 36 hours, so before this
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event is over tomorrow night, I want you to record a video. And I want you to post it on Facebook
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about your negative experience. I want you to keep it brief. I want you to keep it short.
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But I want you to get in the habit of sharing your life. I would love to see 200 videos, however many
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of us are in here. But I want to see your video. And I want you to start sharing your life. Because at
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the end of the day, leaders go first. So if you want to be that leader and you want to share the
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light, you have to earn it. You have to start sharing it. And it's going to be awkward. It's
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going to be uncomfortable. You're not going to want to share it. But I promise you, as you do,
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you will become more comfortable and you will recognize that there's people in your immediate
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sphere who need to hear what you have to say. I promise you. They're waiting for you.
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Like, I get excited about this because I just wish I could tell you, like, there's somebody waiting
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for you to say something, to do something, to teach them something. And we have to overcome
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that fear. And we have to share that with them. So as you're writing that stuff down, I want to share
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one of my favorite quotes with you guys. And here it is. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
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Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,
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that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who are we to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
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Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small does not serve the world.
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There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
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We're all meant to shine as children do. We're born to make manifest the glory of God that is within
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us. It is not within some of us. It is within everyone. And as we allow our own light to shine,
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we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears,
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our presence automatically liberates others. Guys, you have a choice to make.
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Option A, I'm going to take some notes and I'm going to bob my head and I'm going to pretend like I'm
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listening to Sean and Colby and Brandon and Tommy and Ryan and everybody else who's going to present.
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And I'm going to get excited for 24 hours. I'm going to get excited for 48 hours. If I'm lucky,
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I'm going to be excited for a week. But then I'm going to fall back into the same patterns.
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And I'm going to put myself in the same positions. And I'm not going to learn anything new.
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And I'm going to surround myself with people who don't uplift me but drag me down.
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That's option A. That's the easy road. That's what most people will take. I don't think you're
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most people. Because if you were, I don't think you'd be here.
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So the second option is that you decide to embrace some of the things that you wrote down.
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Maybe for the first time in your life, recognize that you don't have it all figured out.
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That you're not perfect. That sometimes you're an asshole. And that it's okay.
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Because all of us are. And that you'll take that information and you'll start sharing it.
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Now I'm going to share with you something one of my trainers said 10 years ago as I was starting
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my financial planning practice. And I had no idea what the hell he was talking about when he said it.
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But I do now. And he said, Ryan, you will be successful
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when you learn to say what needs to be said. And you learn to do what needs to be done.
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And you have a willingness to light yourself on fire and allow everybody to watch you burn.
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That's how you become a lighthouse. That's how you use those negative experiences
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and impact your life and your family and your loved ones and people you've never even met.
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Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed that presentation as much as I enjoyed giving it.
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As I wind down today, remember the two resources I shared with you earlier.
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Our Facebook group at facebook.com slash groups slash order of men
00:22:53.140
and our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council, which you can learn more about at orderofman.com
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slash Iron Council. Until next week, guys, turn the darkness in your life into fuel,
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take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,
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we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.