Order of Man - FFN 069： Turning Darkness Into Light

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan

00:00:28.000 Mickler, and I am the host and founder of this podcast, The Order of Men. Each and every

00:00:32.940 week, we are interviewing some incredible men. We're extracting some hard-fought, hard-learned

00:00:37.640 lessons from them, and we are delivering those conversations straight to you. Guys, this one's

00:00:42.420 a little different. If you don't already know, this is our Friday Field Notes, where you get

00:00:45.480 to hear me ramble for usually about 10 minutes, although this is very different today, about

00:00:51.180 some thoughts that I've had from throughout the week. But again, this one, this one is

00:00:54.920 really unique. Today, I'm going to share with you my presentation from the meltdown in the

00:00:59.260 desert a couple of months ago. I've had a lot of you request the replay of this presentation,

00:01:04.120 so I thought, what better way than to make it available in our Friday Field Notes. I'm

00:01:08.740 going to let you listen to that in a couple of minutes, guys. But before I do, let me give

00:01:12.920 you a couple of quick resources. First, make sure you check out our 36,000 member strong Facebook

00:01:18.400 group at facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. And second, go take a look at all the

00:01:24.920 things happening in our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council. When I started my journey

00:01:29.740 of becoming a better man a couple of years ago, the hardest part for me was finding other

00:01:34.660 guys that actually wanted to go on that same journey that I was trying to go on. It seems

00:01:40.300 like everywhere I turned, the guys in my life at the time were either interested in where

00:01:44.660 the next party was or completely oblivious to the state of mediocrity that we were all living in at

00:01:51.780 the time. I took a lot of hard work and time to find men who inspired me, who motivated me,

00:01:56.960 who uplifted me, which is why I spent a lot of time and attention developing the Iron Council so

00:02:02.700 that you wouldn't have to spend all that time and that energy and that attention looking for other

00:02:07.220 guys who are interested in winning and interested in helping you do the same. And you can check it all

00:02:12.040 out and find out what we're about at order of man.com slash iron council. Now, without any more

00:02:17.220 delay, here is my presentation at the meltdown in the desert about how to turn the dark moments of

00:02:23.080 your life into light for yourself and those people that you care about in your life. I want to share

00:02:30.540 with you a story because it's changed my life. And the story that I'm going to share with you is dark

00:02:36.340 and miserable and horrible and tragic and everything else that it was for me. I thank God every day that

00:02:42.240 I went through that experience because that experience is what's transformed my life. And I

00:02:49.000 want you to think about it for a second and think about all the shit and all the baggage and all the

00:02:52.700 stuff that you've dealt with in your life and ask yourself, am I holding on to this and letting it pull

00:02:58.940 me down? Or am I using this as fuel to light my own fire and light the fire of the people that care

00:03:04.700 about you? And that's what I've learned to do. It's funny that I'm up here right now because I've been

00:03:10.680 in some dark places. I've been in some horrible places. The darkest time in my life was nine years

00:03:15.660 ago. My wife and I got into an argument. I can't really remember what that argument was about.

00:03:22.200 But I remember that I said to her, I don't even want to be married to you anymore. It breaks my heart

00:03:29.960 to even say it right now. And she agreed. And the next day I left for some training about four hours

00:03:39.600 north for the company I was working with. And I got about an hour down the way and I said, what the

00:03:43.360 hell are you doing, Ryan? Your life is falling apart. You're fat. You're miserable. You're out of shape.

00:03:48.180 Your business is failing. And most importantly, the woman that you love is now leaving with your

00:03:54.720 six-month-old son. So I turned around and I drove back home and I tried to convince her to stay. 0.97

00:04:03.340 And by then it was too little too late. And that morning she was gone with my six-month-old son.

00:04:10.100 And for a long time I blamed her. I blamed her. I said, how could she do this to me? Why was she this

00:04:16.100 way? Why wasn't she doing this? Why didn't she appreciate everything that I was doing for the

00:04:20.320 family? And I don't know why it changed. I'm grateful that it did. But one day I came to the

00:04:24.980 conclusion, I can tell you the road that I was on. I can tell you the cross street that I was on.

00:04:29.860 I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't entirely her fault. Maybe I had something

00:04:40.980 to do with it. And up until that point, I was trying to manipulate and coerce and all but force

00:04:46.460 her to come back to me. And none of that was working. And for the first time I came to the

00:04:50.420 conclusion that, you know what, Ryan, this relationship might actually be over. You might

00:04:57.140 have lost her for good. And as interesting as this sounds, that was a very liberating feeling for me.

00:05:03.340 Because for the first time it allowed me to do what I needed to do and what every single person

00:05:07.700 needs to do in their life. And that is take ultimate responsibility and ownership of your own

00:05:12.860 life. And Sean talked about it earlier, placing the baggage and placing the responsibility and

00:05:18.480 placing the excuses and the burdens on everybody else. But I decided to take it upon me. Because

00:05:22.580 regardless of how she behaved during the relationship, and she'd be the first to tell

00:05:26.360 you that there was things that she was doing wrong, there was nothing I could do about it.

00:05:30.980 And so for the first time in my life, frankly, I decided I'm going to go to work on myself.

00:05:35.300 I'm going to be a good man. Because I'm going to be a good man not only for myself, but the next

00:05:40.180 woman to come into my life. And what was really fascinating about this is as I used that negative 1.00

00:05:44.800 experience, and I used the realization that it was my fault, as fuel, I began to go to work on

00:05:51.720 myself. And as I went to work on myself, and I surrounded myself with the right people, and I put

00:05:55.760 the right information in my head, and I got in shape, and I got my finances in order, and I did those

00:06:00.260 things. It was really interesting. Guess what? She responded to that. And people will respond

00:06:05.940 to you. Not when you manipulate them, not when you coerce them, not when you tell them what

00:06:11.820 they should or shouldn't do, or how they should behave, or how they shouldn't behave, but how

00:06:15.060 you decide to show up. The reason I tell you this is because some of you met my wife, and

00:06:21.280 some of you met my four kids. On Monday, we celebrate our 13-year anniversary. And as exciting

00:06:38.460 as that is, the reason I wanted to share that story with you is because that story, and it was a dark

00:06:44.020 time. Those of you who have been through a separation or a divorce, or worse, know what that's like.

00:06:48.760 was the catalyst for change in my life. And not only that, it was a catalyst for change in the lives

00:06:54.980 of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of other people. And it's because I decided that I was going

00:07:02.540 to learn to share that story. The only difference between the guy that was sitting in the audience

00:07:08.880 last year, and the guy that's standing here right now, is the fact that somewhere along the way, I grew

00:07:15.480 the balls to actually share that story. To tell people that I was inadequate. To tell people I

00:07:22.360 didn't have it all figured out. And to tell people, frankly, that I, at one point in my life, and maybe

00:07:26.580 to some degree still am, an asshole. Truthfully, that's the deal. But it takes courage. It takes

00:07:34.620 your ability to put yourself out there. It takes the ability to share with the world some of your own

00:07:40.320 inadequacies. But that's hard. You know, as I work with men from all over the world, one of the most

00:07:45.920 common questions and themes that I get asked is, how do I build confidence? I'm not confident, Ryan. How do I

00:07:52.000 build confidence with women? How do I build confidence in my business? How do I build confidence like 1.00

00:07:56.500 Young Neva did to stand up here and ask for help and sponsorships? How do I build confidence? And the only

00:08:02.780 answer, and I know there was a couple here asking about being able to share present day stories. I don't know if

00:08:07.300 they're still here. They were up there, but maybe they moved. This is how you do it. You do it. You do

00:08:14.800 it. Like confident. You don't just get to have confidence. You're not entitled to it. You're not

00:08:19.760 entitled to be inspired this weekend. Like I wasn't entitled to my wife's love and support. I'm not

00:08:26.980 entitled to somebody's friendship. I'm not entitled to somebody spending their money with me. All of that

00:08:31.320 stuff has to be earned. You have to earn that. And the only way that you get to earn the

00:08:37.240 confidence required to share a story like I just shared with you and basically cry when I tell

00:08:42.900 everybody I'm a manly man in front of 200 people is through confidence and sharing your story,

00:08:48.960 doing what is actually required. But the problem with that, and this is a big problem, because all

00:08:53.300 of us have fear, right? Every single one of us is afraid. We're afraid. And the funny thing about fear

00:08:59.680 is that we've been biologically programmed to be fearful. If you go back thousands and thousands of

00:09:05.120 years as man was first on this planet, what we're afraid of. We're afraid of the elements. We're

00:09:10.080 afraid of overgrown lizards eating us. And what's really fascinating is the same fears translate now

00:09:15.820 over to modern man, us today, and we're still afraid. Because what? We want to stay alive. That's

00:09:23.260 the point. We want to stay alive. But instead of being overgrown lizards, what we're afraid about is

00:09:27.260 what if somebody says something hurtful? What if somebody says something mean? What if somebody

00:09:34.620 judges me? What if somebody says something about me that I don't like or that hurts my feelings? Like

00:09:40.560 it's funny when I say that, but I'm scared of that every single day. I was nervous before I came up

00:09:45.260 here and getting in front of you guys to talk. I'm nervous every single time I hit record on a

00:09:50.200 podcast. I'm nervous every time I wake up and I open Facebook to see what comments people made about

00:09:55.400 me. I'm nervous and I'm fearful and I'm scared. The reason this is important, because if you want to

00:10:03.200 overcome that fear and you want to develop and build the confidence required to share the types

00:10:07.180 of stories that you have, that you should be sharing, it's going to require you to overcome

00:10:14.360 that fear. Now, how do we do that? We do that by recognizing that first and foremost, our pride and

00:10:21.080 our ego and our arrogance gets in the way. Because I think I'm special, right? Like I think there's

00:10:26.640 something in my life that is unique and special. And if I put it out into the world and Tommy, just

00:10:33.020 because I know you and I can see you, you decide to step on it, then all of a sudden my ego is

00:10:39.140 shattered. So rather than share the truth, I got to maintain that pride, maintain that ego. I don't

00:10:44.620 want anybody to squish on that. But here's an interesting thing. All of you guys are here because

00:10:48.380 you want to grow and you want to expand. Am I right? Raise your hand if that's true. Is everybody here

00:10:52.300 to want to expand? All right. So I need everybody right now for just a second to be brave. Can

00:10:56.980 everybody be brave with me? I'm not going to ask you to do something crazy, but can you be brave for

00:11:00.820 a minute? Raise your hand. All right, here's what we're going to do. If you would, please stand up

00:11:06.480 and stay standing if you have ever been through a divorce or a separation. Stand up.

00:11:12.340 Stay standing. Okay. Raise your hand, or excuse me, stand up if you would, if you've ever been

00:11:22.960 addicted to drugs or alcohol or pornography. Stand up. Stay standing. Everybody stay standing. If

00:11:29.820 you already stood up once, just stay standing. Raise your hand if you've ever watched a brother die on

00:11:36.020 the battlefield. Raise your hand if you've ever lost a loved one. See, I say raise your hand. I mean

00:11:43.640 stand up. Come on, guys. Interpret that, would you? Okay, stand up. All right. Stand up if you've ever

00:11:49.720 been embarrassed about something you've done or said or who you were in the past. Okay. Stand up if

00:11:58.300 you've been sexually abused. Stand up if you've been arrested. Stand up if you've thought about

00:12:04.200 committing suicide or even attempted suicide. Now, for just a second, I want you to do this.

00:12:10.480 Turn around to your left and right and behind you and look at everybody standing up.

00:12:18.900 Every single one of us in here is standing up. You think you're special. You can sit down.

00:12:23.860 You think you're special. You're not special.

00:12:33.080 Everything that you've gone through, other people have gone through. And what is truly going to make

00:12:38.860 you special is the desire and the ability to stand up when nobody tells you to stand up.

00:12:48.340 And that's what I had to do. I had to stand up and share a lot of stories about myself. In fact,

00:12:52.600 I was talking with Colby. I think he just stepped out. I think that's the first time he got introduced

00:12:56.740 to me when I shared that video about my wife and I separating. What's really fascinating,

00:13:01.880 you guys, is people are craving leaders. They're craving light. They're craving for somebody who's

00:13:09.380 using the negative experiences that they've gone through and the negative experience the person

00:13:14.300 beside you has gone through. And everybody in this room, they're waiting for somebody to be able

00:13:18.980 to use that as fuel to light the fire that's going to help them get out of their own darkness.

00:13:24.720 And we have a job to do. Every single person in here is a leader. You're all leaders.

00:13:32.400 And by design, a leader is somebody that's willing to go first. A leader is somebody who's been through

00:13:38.560 where other people are trying to go and has figured out a way to get from point A to point Z.

00:13:43.440 And now a leader looks back and says, follow me. Here's how I did it. I'll light the way for you.

00:13:51.360 And you light that way and you show that person how they can overcome whatever it is they're trying

00:13:56.820 to overcome. I believe in God. I don't care what you believe in, but I believe that I have a moral

00:14:02.180 obligation to take my experiences and my background and my culture and my beliefs and all of the things

00:14:08.600 that I've gone through and share that with the world. Like why else would I have those experiences?

00:14:14.900 This isn't just happenstance. This isn't just randomly these things happen to you. No, that's

00:14:20.520 fuel. Like that dark matter gets to be used as fuel to light the way for somebody else who might be

00:14:26.860 doing or going through the same thing you're going through. And if you're not willing to stand up

00:14:31.720 when nobody tells you to stand up, bottom line, you're selfish. You're selfish. Just like I'm

00:14:38.040 selfish. I want to keep that stuff reserved because I want to keep my ego and my pride intact.

00:14:42.640 But I'm telling you the best way to be a leader, the best way to be a lighthouse, the best way to

00:14:46.980 lead the light and let people overcome whatever it is they're trying to overcome is to share those

00:14:54.460 experiences. Are you guys familiar with the lighthouse concept, the lighthouse and the tugboat? A lot of you

00:14:59.540 guys, I know familiar faces probably are. Let me share with you a little bit about that lighthouse

00:15:03.180 analogy. If you think about what the lighthouse does, what the job of a lighthouse, the job of a

00:15:07.880 lighthouse is to shine, to warn impeding ships of danger, right? Here's the shore. You're going to crash

00:15:14.520 into the shore. We're going to warn you so you don't hit these rocks, right? Compare that and contrast

00:15:19.440 that with a tugboat. A tugboat, I was down in, where was I? I was down in Southern California. I can't

00:15:25.100 remember right offhand because I traveled around quite a bit, but I was down there and I watched a tugboat

00:15:29.400 and it was pushing around this huge, this huge ship with the connexes, the big storage units on it

00:15:36.060 and it was, there was two tugboats on each side and it was pushing it back and forth, back and forth

00:15:41.020 so it wouldn't run into any other ships or any other structures or the harbor. And it's really funny

00:15:46.400 because those are designed to rescue and save ships and so was a lighthouse. But if you think about what

00:15:50.980 a lighthouse's job is, a lighthouse is to stand there immovable, to not shake, to not move and to keep

00:15:57.880 putting out that light. It doesn't go down into the water. It doesn't chase people around. It just

00:16:02.080 stands there. And you guys, as you start to share your stories, and I'm going to encourage that you

00:16:06.460 do, if there's something that you walk away with, it's that you're going to start sharing this stuff,

00:16:10.680 people are going to try to beat you up. You're going to face the elements. You're going to face

00:16:14.540 critics. People are going to try to beat you down. They're going to try to get you to come down

00:16:18.140 from your watch, from that lighthouse and say, stop shining so brightly.

00:16:21.600 And it's not because they don't like that you're shining brightly. It's because they don't want

00:16:27.700 to have to shine brightly too. Because it's easier not to shine. It's easier to maintain the status

00:16:36.140 quo. It's easier to go the way that things have always gone and to do things the way they've always

00:16:42.220 been done. But if you truly want something new, and you truly want something different, and you truly

00:16:47.080 want to be the leader that we're talking about, and step into the light, and use the fuel, the

00:16:52.480 negative experiences, to help other people overcome their trials, that's what it's going to take. And

00:16:57.180 you're going to have to be willing to face some of that criticism. Potentially even a lot of that

00:17:03.160 criticism. So here's what we're going to do. Does everybody have something to take notes with, or

00:17:07.800 something they can write down on their phone, whatever it may be? Grab that out right now. Okay? Grab that out.

00:17:11.940 Because I don't want this to be something where you get hyped up, and you get motivated for a couple

00:17:18.420 of days, and then you go home, and everything's the same. I don't want it to be like that. So I'm

00:17:21.280 going to tell you, I'm going to give you an assignment. And the guys that spend any amount of

00:17:24.540 time with me, Chris, and Matthew, and Andrew up there, and some of you guys, Ed, know this. Like, I'm

00:17:29.760 not going to let you go without giving you an assignment. All right? So here's the assignment. I want

00:17:34.420 you to start writing down the things in your life that you would traditionally consider negative

00:17:40.460 experiences. Divorce, separation, addiction, arrest, abuse, physical, emotional, mental abuse,

00:17:50.540 you name it. Loss of a loved one. A couple of you raised your hand about losing a brother on a

00:17:54.720 battlefield. Committing, or even thinking about and contemplating suicide. Write that stuff down.

00:18:01.000 Write that stuff down. Because I want you to start identifying these things. Here's what's

00:18:05.620 really fascinating. I went to Iraq in 2005, 2005, 2006. And it would have been laughable if we went

00:18:14.520 into battle and pretended like the enemy didn't exist. Right? Like, pretend that nobody's there.

00:18:21.880 Pretend the threat's not real. And what's really funny is if you watch a little kid, like my daughter,

00:18:25.980 she's three years old. When she gets scared, what does she do? Hand over the eyes. Right? Like,

00:18:30.760 somehow if you put your hand over your eyes and you don't see it, then the threat goes away. But we

00:18:34.940 laugh at that. And yet all of us do this. And so right now I'm encouraging you to go into the dark

00:18:39.500 place for a minute and draw upon the negative experiences and the hardships and the heartaches

00:18:44.860 and the trials and everything that you've been through and write those things down.

00:18:49.140 Now here's the challenge because that's the easy part. Sometime in the next 36 hours, so before this

00:18:55.540 event is over tomorrow night, I want you to record a video. And I want you to post it on Facebook

00:19:03.480 about your negative experience. I want you to keep it brief. I want you to keep it short.

00:19:12.340 But I want you to get in the habit of sharing your life. I would love to see 200 videos, however many

00:19:18.480 of us are in here. But I want to see your video. And I want you to start sharing your life. Because at

00:19:25.380 the end of the day, leaders go first. So if you want to be that leader and you want to share the

00:19:29.180 light, you have to earn it. You have to start sharing it. And it's going to be awkward. It's

00:19:32.460 going to be uncomfortable. You're not going to want to share it. But I promise you, as you do,

00:19:35.860 you will become more comfortable and you will recognize that there's people in your immediate

00:19:39.600 sphere who need to hear what you have to say. I promise you. They're waiting for you.

00:19:46.960 Like, I get excited about this because I just wish I could tell you, like, there's somebody waiting

00:19:53.480 for you to say something, to do something, to teach them something. And we have to overcome

00:20:02.920 that fear. And we have to share that with them. So as you're writing that stuff down, I want to share

00:20:06.780 one of my favorite quotes with you guys. And here it is. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

00:20:13.740 Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,

00:20:18.720 that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who are we to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

00:20:24.700 Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small does not serve the world.

00:20:31.420 There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.

00:20:38.000 We're all meant to shine as children do. We're born to make manifest the glory of God that is within

00:20:45.160 us. It is not within some of us. It is within everyone. And as we allow our own light to shine,

00:20:51.620 we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears,

00:20:57.080 our presence automatically liberates others. Guys, you have a choice to make.

00:21:04.900 Option A, I'm going to take some notes and I'm going to bob my head and I'm going to pretend like I'm

00:21:08.760 listening to Sean and Colby and Brandon and Tommy and Ryan and everybody else who's going to present.

00:21:13.500 And I'm going to get excited for 24 hours. I'm going to get excited for 48 hours. If I'm lucky,

00:21:17.500 I'm going to be excited for a week. But then I'm going to fall back into the same patterns.

00:21:21.420 And I'm going to put myself in the same positions. And I'm not going to learn anything new.

00:21:25.180 And I'm going to surround myself with people who don't uplift me but drag me down.

00:21:29.520 That's option A. That's the easy road. That's what most people will take. I don't think you're

00:21:34.300 most people. Because if you were, I don't think you'd be here.

00:21:36.800 So the second option is that you decide to embrace some of the things that you wrote down.

00:21:44.380 Maybe for the first time in your life, recognize that you don't have it all figured out.

00:21:48.460 That you're not perfect. That sometimes you're an asshole. And that it's okay.

00:21:53.300 Because all of us are. And that you'll take that information and you'll start sharing it.

00:21:58.680 Now I'm going to share with you something one of my trainers said 10 years ago as I was starting

00:22:02.300 my financial planning practice. And I had no idea what the hell he was talking about when he said it.

00:22:06.180 But I do now. And he said, Ryan, you will be successful

00:22:08.880 when you learn to say what needs to be said. And you learn to do what needs to be done.

00:22:14.820 And you have a willingness to light yourself on fire and allow everybody to watch you burn.

00:22:22.120 That's how you become a lighthouse. That's how you use those negative experiences

00:22:28.800 and impact your life and your family and your loved ones and people you've never even met.

00:22:35.820 Use the fuel and turn it into light.

00:22:40.480 Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed that presentation as much as I enjoyed giving it.

00:22:44.820 As I wind down today, remember the two resources I shared with you earlier.

00:22:48.800 Our Facebook group at facebook.com slash groups slash order of men

00:22:53.140 and our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council, which you can learn more about at orderofman.com

00:22:57.960 slash Iron Council. Until next week, guys, turn the darkness in your life into fuel,

00:23:03.520 take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:23:06.860 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:23:09.820 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

00:23:13.860 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - August 18, 2017

FFN 069： Turning Darkness Into Light

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