Order of Man


FFN 070： Should've, Could've, Would've


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Hosts:
Ryan Michler
Also mentioned:
Napoleon Dynamite Uncle Rick Brian

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Toxicity

1

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Hate speech

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Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Ryan Michler talks about regrets and living in the past, and why it s a shame that most men live with so much guilt and remorse and regret. He also talks about the importance of stepping up to the responsibilities that you have and not letting the past define you.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler and I am
00:00:28.680 the host and founder of the podcast you are listening to right now, The Order of Man.
00:00:33.900 This is a podcast about being a better man. So if you want to be a better man, you are in the right
00:00:39.340 place. But the question is, what does it even mean to be a better man? I have some thoughts on that,
00:00:45.380 of course, and I've been talking about that for the last two years. But at the end of the day,
00:00:49.360 you're going to have to decide that for yourself. Most men come here because they're trying to
00:00:54.300 elevate a relationship with their wife or children, or they're trying to lose the 20
00:00:59.580 extra pounds sitting around their midsection, or get some debt paid off, stash some money away in
00:01:04.580 the bank, start a business, any number of the thousands of reasons that you may be here too.
00:01:09.360 And to that end, we are interviewing the world's best athletes and scholars and business owners,
00:01:14.720 warriors, New York Times bestselling authors. We're extracting some knowledge from their brains
00:01:19.280 and sharing their insights, ideas and strategies, of course, with you. And then there's this podcast,
00:01:24.340 the Friday Field Notes, where you get to listen to me. I'm sorry about that, but it is what it is.
00:01:29.660 Each Friday, I'm going to share with you some things that I've been bouncing around in my brain.
00:01:34.860 Specifically today, I want to talk with you about a conversation I was having with a friend of
00:01:39.660 mine at the gym the other day. He said, Ryan, I didn't see you at the gym yesterday, to which I
00:01:44.180 responded, I know I should have come, to which he said, yeah, you should have. And then he said,
00:01:49.160 you should do a podcast about all the should-haves in our lives. I thought that was a pretty good
00:01:54.400 idea. So here I am talking with you about the regrets and living in the past. But before I
00:01:59.300 get into that conversation, a couple of places that you can go to learn more about this subject
00:02:04.720 and thousands of others that we've been talking about over the past several years is first on
00:02:09.980 our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash order of men, and also our exclusive brotherhood,
00:02:15.320 the Iron Council. This is where the 1% of men who are really ready to do more about what we're
00:02:21.140 talking about congregate. We've got two weekly meetings, we've got challenges, assignments,
00:02:26.680 gear, an incredible Slack channel on all of these subjects and so much more. And you can check that
00:02:31.380 out at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Now with that said, and out of the way, I want to talk with
00:02:37.780 you again about should've, could've, and would've. What I have seen is that most men seem to be 0.98
00:02:44.040 living in the past. They live with guilt and remorse and sorrow and regret. And what a shame
00:02:49.920 because if they'd only realized that their past experiences don't necessarily define who they are
00:02:55.640 today, I think we'd see a lot more men stepping up to the responsibilities that they have. Believe
00:03:01.060 it or not, and I'm sure it's the same with you, I still have friends who are living out our high
00:03:05.040 school glory days on the football field. I still have friends that regret decisions that they made 20
00:03:10.280 years ago instead of learning from those experiences and then becoming a better man moving forward.
00:03:16.580 One of the most frequently asked questions I get is, what is the biggest regret that you have? And
00:03:23.140 truth be told, I don't, I don't have regrets because if I did, I would have done just one small thing
00:03:29.160 differently. I wouldn't be the same man and I wouldn't be in the same position that I am,
00:03:33.420 but I'm happy with where I am in my life. So why would I want to change something
00:03:37.540 that would potentially change where I am today? Sure, there's things that I could have done better.
00:03:43.900 I would have played harder in high school sports. I would have probably treated my mom a little
00:03:48.940 differently growing up. I wouldn't have dated that one girl. I would have done a lot of things
00:03:53.420 differently, but those are the should have and the could have and the would have that I'm talking
00:03:57.960 about. It actually reminds me if you guys have seen the movie Napoleon Dynamite, where
00:04:01.900 Uncle Rico says, if I could go back in time, we'd take state. No doubt in my mind. Good hell, guys.
00:04:09.880 Let it go. Move on. I mean, there's so much life to be enjoyed in the present moment and we've got to 0.92
00:04:18.120 stop living in the past. So how do we do this? How do we let go of the past? How do we learn the
00:04:24.860 lessons that need to be learned? Today, I'm going to share with you four steps, four very simple steps
00:04:30.880 that I've incorporated in my life so that I live in the present moment as often as possible. Yes,
00:04:36.900 I learn from my experiences and I reflect on the past, of course, but only as a means to get better
00:04:42.500 today, not to sit around feeling sorry for myself, which seems to be the state of a lot of men out
00:04:48.720 there. So first things first, frame those experiences that you have as lessons. And here's the key,
00:04:55.220 accept. Accept the situations, good and bad, that you find yourself in as just that. Lessons. That's
00:05:02.560 all they are. Things are not happening to you. Things are happening for you. You might be thinking,
00:05:09.340 well, Brian, that's easy for you to say. You're not dealing with a bankruptcy or you're not dealing
00:05:13.900 with a divorce or health problems. That's right. I'm not. But I have. I have dealt with crappy
00:05:19.760 situations. I've talked with you guys about some of those. And so you can sit around and feel sorry for
00:05:23.900 yourself and complain about how things should be, or you can accept the lesson that you're being
00:05:29.700 taught, learn from it and move on to the next step that I'm going to share with you here in a minute.
00:05:35.180 I realize this isn't going to happen overnight. You've spent decades getting you to where you are
00:05:40.800 now. So it's safe to assume that it's going to take you some time to get somewhere new. But the longer
00:05:47.140 that you dwell on the injustices that you perceive as being done to you, the longer it's going to take
00:05:54.520 for you to get things right. So step number two is to rectify the situation. The reason that you
00:06:00.580 might be dwelling on the past is because there are a few things left undone and unsaid. You cannot
00:06:07.420 change the past and you cannot change the way another person and how they might respond to you.
00:06:13.200 But you can do things on your end so that you'll never have to wonder, and I hear this a lot,
00:06:18.900 wonder if you did or didn't give it all that you've got. I remember when I was younger, I stole
00:06:25.720 some candy from a convenience store. And I know it sounds really trivial, but man, it ate at me. It
00:06:30.820 ate and ate at me. I couldn't even sleep at night. And I wasn't able to get that right in my own head
00:06:35.640 until I went back to that store and I paid for the candy that I stole. And I know some of you are
00:06:41.460 dealing with far greater challenges than stealing a candy bar. I know a lot of you are, for example,
00:06:46.540 harboring some resentment towards an ex-spouse. I get that. And while I can't pretend to know all
00:06:52.640 that goes into that relationship between you and her, I'd be willing to bet that there's a few things
00:06:58.740 that you know, that you know you should have done differently. And you may not be able to win her
00:07:03.720 back. I've seen that. She may never trust you again, but you can say you're sorry. You can take
00:07:11.380 ownership of what you did or did not do in the relationship on your own shortcomings in that
00:07:15.860 relationship. And make no mistake, guys, this is not for her benefit exclusively. This process of
00:07:21.920 rectifying the situation is for your own wellbeing. The next step is to correct the behavior. It's not
00:07:30.420 enough to say sorry. It's not enough to even rectify the situation. Then keep doing the same
00:07:36.100 thing that you've always done. That's a surefire way to keep you living in the past by continuing
00:07:41.440 to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. If I would have told my friend that
00:07:48.300 day that I was sorry for missing the gym and then the next day I missed the gym, how sorry could I have
00:07:52.960 really been? How easy would it be for me to fall into a state of guilt for not showing up? Correct the
00:07:59.900 behavior. This is the best way to overcome the should have's and the could have's and the would
00:08:04.640 have's. Yeah, you probably should have done it differently. Yes, you could have done some things
00:08:09.700 different. Of course, if you would have done it differently, you would have had a different result.
00:08:14.360 Great. Do it. Stop talking about it. Stop dwelling. Do it and watch that remorse that you have melt away.
00:08:23.540 And the fourth step, guys, is to drive on, to drive on. At some point, you have to forgive
00:08:29.780 yourself. You have to live and let live. You have to come to the conclusion that maybe you messed up
00:08:35.420 and it's okay. We all do. We all misstep from time to time. It doesn't make it okay. It doesn't make
00:08:41.700 it right. It just means that you're a human being with flaws and imperfections. Cool. Now go to work
00:08:48.060 on becoming something more than you were in the past. I found that for me, life is a series of messing up
00:08:54.980 and correcting those mess ups. Mess up, correct. Mess up, correct. If I don't mess up, I'm not
00:09:00.900 really pushing that hard. And if I don't correct, I'm not getting any better when I do push. At some
00:09:05.620 point, guys, it's time to hang up the varsity letterman jacket and put the trophy away and let
00:09:12.160 go of who you used to be so that you can become who you are meant to be. No more should have's, 0.63
00:09:18.980 no more could have's, no more would have's. The past is the past. Leave it in the past. Accept the
00:09:23.980 lessons that are given to you for what they are, an opportunity for growth. When you get it wrong,
00:09:30.560 make it right to the best of your ability. And remember, just because, and this is important,
00:09:34.820 you're working to make something right, it doesn't mean that you're entitled to the other person who's
00:09:41.200 been wronged. You're not entitled to their respect or even an acceptance of your apology. But it's okay
00:09:46.640 because you're not doing it for them anyways. You're doing it for you. Again, third step, correct your
00:09:52.100 behavior. Stop falling into the same traps. There's the adage, and I'm sure you've all heard
00:09:56.340 it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't be a fool. Correct your behavior.
00:10:04.420 And then last, drive on. And you can drive on. When you do these steps, you can drive on with a
00:10:09.400 new sense of growth and hope and optimism because you're no longer a man who dwells on and lives in
00:10:15.500 the past. Until next week, guys, take action. Live those four steps. Stop living in the past.
00:10:21.440 No more should'ves. No more could'ves. No more would'ves. And become the man you are meant to be.
00:10:25.960 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and be
00:10:31.060 more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.