Order of Man

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler and I am

00:00:28.680 the host and founder of the podcast you are listening to right now, The Order of Man.

00:00:33.900 This is a podcast about being a better man. So if you want to be a better man, you are in the right

00:00:39.340 place. But the question is, what does it even mean to be a better man? I have some thoughts on that,

00:00:45.380 of course, and I've been talking about that for the last two years. But at the end of the day,

00:00:49.360 you're going to have to decide that for yourself. Most men come here because they're trying to

00:00:54.300 elevate a relationship with their wife or children, or they're trying to lose the 20

00:00:59.580 extra pounds sitting around their midsection, or get some debt paid off, stash some money away in

00:01:04.580 the bank, start a business, any number of the thousands of reasons that you may be here too.

00:01:09.360 And to that end, we are interviewing the world's best athletes and scholars and business owners,

00:01:14.720 warriors, New York Times bestselling authors. We're extracting some knowledge from their brains

00:01:19.280 and sharing their insights, ideas and strategies, of course, with you. And then there's this podcast,

00:01:24.340 the Friday Field Notes, where you get to listen to me. I'm sorry about that, but it is what it is.

00:01:29.660 Each Friday, I'm going to share with you some things that I've been bouncing around in my brain.

00:01:34.860 Specifically today, I want to talk with you about a conversation I was having with a friend of

00:01:39.660 mine at the gym the other day. He said, Ryan, I didn't see you at the gym yesterday, to which I

00:01:44.180 responded, I know I should have come, to which he said, yeah, you should have. And then he said,

00:01:49.160 you should do a podcast about all the should-haves in our lives. I thought that was a pretty good

00:01:54.400 idea. So here I am talking with you about the regrets and living in the past. But before I

00:01:59.300 get into that conversation, a couple of places that you can go to learn more about this subject

00:02:04.720 and thousands of others that we've been talking about over the past several years is first on

00:02:09.980 our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash order of men, and also our exclusive brotherhood,

00:02:15.320 the Iron Council. This is where the 1% of men who are really ready to do more about what we're

00:02:21.140 talking about congregate. We've got two weekly meetings, we've got challenges, assignments,

00:02:26.680 gear, an incredible Slack channel on all of these subjects and so much more. And you can check that

00:02:31.380 out at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Now with that said, and out of the way, I want to talk with

00:02:37.780 you again about should've, could've, and would've. What I have seen is that most men seem to be

00:02:44.040 living in the past. They live with guilt and remorse and sorrow and regret. And what a shame

00:02:49.920 because if they'd only realized that their past experiences don't necessarily define who they are

00:02:55.640 today, I think we'd see a lot more men stepping up to the responsibilities that they have. Believe

00:03:01.060 it or not, and I'm sure it's the same with you, I still have friends who are living out our high

00:03:05.040 school glory days on the football field. I still have friends that regret decisions that they made 20

00:03:10.280 years ago instead of learning from those experiences and then becoming a better man moving forward.

00:03:16.580 One of the most frequently asked questions I get is, what is the biggest regret that you have? And

00:03:23.140 truth be told, I don't, I don't have regrets because if I did, I would have done just one small thing

00:03:29.160 differently. I wouldn't be the same man and I wouldn't be in the same position that I am,

00:03:33.420 but I'm happy with where I am in my life. So why would I want to change something

00:03:37.540 that would potentially change where I am today? Sure, there's things that I could have done better.

00:03:43.900 I would have played harder in high school sports. I would have probably treated my mom a little

00:03:48.940 differently growing up. I wouldn't have dated that one girl. I would have done a lot of things

00:03:53.420 differently, but those are the should have and the could have and the would have that I'm talking

00:03:57.960 about. It actually reminds me if you guys have seen the movie Napoleon Dynamite, where

00:04:01.900 Uncle Rico says, if I could go back in time, we'd take state. No doubt in my mind. Good hell, guys.

00:04:09.880 Let it go. Move on. I mean, there's so much life to be enjoyed in the present moment and we've got to

00:04:18.120 stop living in the past. So how do we do this? How do we let go of the past? How do we learn the

00:04:24.860 lessons that need to be learned? Today, I'm going to share with you four steps, four very simple steps

00:04:30.880 that I've incorporated in my life so that I live in the present moment as often as possible. Yes,

00:04:36.900 I learn from my experiences and I reflect on the past, of course, but only as a means to get better

00:04:42.500 today, not to sit around feeling sorry for myself, which seems to be the state of a lot of men out

00:04:48.720 there. So first things first, frame those experiences that you have as lessons. And here's the key,

00:04:55.220 accept. Accept the situations, good and bad, that you find yourself in as just that. Lessons. That's

00:05:02.560 all they are. Things are not happening to you. Things are happening for you. You might be thinking,

00:05:09.340 well, Brian, that's easy for you to say. You're not dealing with a bankruptcy or you're not dealing

00:05:13.900 with a divorce or health problems. That's right. I'm not. But I have. I have dealt with crappy

00:05:19.760 situations. I've talked with you guys about some of those. And so you can sit around and feel sorry for

00:05:23.900 yourself and complain about how things should be, or you can accept the lesson that you're being

00:05:29.700 taught, learn from it and move on to the next step that I'm going to share with you here in a minute.

00:05:35.180 I realize this isn't going to happen overnight. You've spent decades getting you to where you are

00:05:40.800 now. So it's safe to assume that it's going to take you some time to get somewhere new. But the longer

00:05:47.140 that you dwell on the injustices that you perceive as being done to you, the longer it's going to take

00:05:54.520 for you to get things right. So step number two is to rectify the situation. The reason that you

00:06:00.580 might be dwelling on the past is because there are a few things left undone and unsaid. You cannot

00:06:07.420 change the past and you cannot change the way another person and how they might respond to you.

00:06:13.200 But you can do things on your end so that you'll never have to wonder, and I hear this a lot,

00:06:18.900 wonder if you did or didn't give it all that you've got. I remember when I was younger, I stole

00:06:25.720 some candy from a convenience store. And I know it sounds really trivial, but man, it ate at me. It

00:06:30.820 ate and ate at me. I couldn't even sleep at night. And I wasn't able to get that right in my own head

00:06:35.640 until I went back to that store and I paid for the candy that I stole. And I know some of you are

00:06:41.460 dealing with far greater challenges than stealing a candy bar. I know a lot of you are, for example,

00:06:46.540 harboring some resentment towards an ex-spouse. I get that. And while I can't pretend to know all

00:06:52.640 that goes into that relationship between you and her, I'd be willing to bet that there's a few things

00:06:58.740 that you know, that you know you should have done differently. And you may not be able to win her

00:07:03.720 back. I've seen that. She may never trust you again, but you can say you're sorry. You can take

00:07:11.380 ownership of what you did or did not do in the relationship on your own shortcomings in that

00:07:15.860 relationship. And make no mistake, guys, this is not for her benefit exclusively. This process of

00:07:21.920 rectifying the situation is for your own wellbeing. The next step is to correct the behavior. It's not

00:07:30.420 enough to say sorry. It's not enough to even rectify the situation. Then keep doing the same

00:07:36.100 thing that you've always done. That's a surefire way to keep you living in the past by continuing

00:07:41.440 to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. If I would have told my friend that

00:07:48.300 day that I was sorry for missing the gym and then the next day I missed the gym, how sorry could I have

00:07:52.960 really been? How easy would it be for me to fall into a state of guilt for not showing up? Correct the

00:07:59.900 behavior. This is the best way to overcome the should have's and the could have's and the would

00:08:04.640 have's. Yeah, you probably should have done it differently. Yes, you could have done some things

00:08:09.700 different. Of course, if you would have done it differently, you would have had a different result.

00:08:14.360 Great. Do it. Stop talking about it. Stop dwelling. Do it and watch that remorse that you have melt away.

00:08:23.540 And the fourth step, guys, is to drive on, to drive on. At some point, you have to forgive

00:08:29.780 yourself. You have to live and let live. You have to come to the conclusion that maybe you messed up

00:08:35.420 and it's okay. We all do. We all misstep from time to time. It doesn't make it okay. It doesn't make

00:08:41.700 it right. It just means that you're a human being with flaws and imperfections. Cool. Now go to work

00:08:48.060 on becoming something more than you were in the past. I found that for me, life is a series of messing up

00:08:54.980 and correcting those mess ups. Mess up, correct. Mess up, correct. If I don't mess up, I'm not

00:09:00.900 really pushing that hard. And if I don't correct, I'm not getting any better when I do push. At some

00:09:05.620 point, guys, it's time to hang up the varsity letterman jacket and put the trophy away and let

00:09:12.160 go of who you used to be so that you can become who you are meant to be. No more should have's,

00:09:18.980 no more could have's, no more would have's. The past is the past. Leave it in the past. Accept the

00:09:23.980 lessons that are given to you for what they are, an opportunity for growth. When you get it wrong,

00:09:30.560 make it right to the best of your ability. And remember, just because, and this is important,

00:09:34.820 you're working to make something right, it doesn't mean that you're entitled to the other person who's

00:09:41.200 been wronged. You're not entitled to their respect or even an acceptance of your apology. But it's okay

00:09:46.640 because you're not doing it for them anyways. You're doing it for you. Again, third step, correct your

00:09:52.100 behavior. Stop falling into the same traps. There's the adage, and I'm sure you've all heard

00:09:56.340 it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't be a fool. Correct your behavior.

00:10:04.420 And then last, drive on. And you can drive on. When you do these steps, you can drive on with a

00:10:09.400 new sense of growth and hope and optimism because you're no longer a man who dwells on and lives in

00:10:15.500 the past. Until next week, guys, take action. Live those four steps. Stop living in the past.

00:10:21.440 No more should'ves. No more could'ves. No more would'ves. And become the man you are meant to be.

00:10:25.960 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and be

00:10:31.060 more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

FFN 070： Should've, Could've, Would've

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