FFN 108： Bridging the Integrity Gap
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
200.40646
Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about what it means to be a man and why it's so important to reclaim what that means. He also talks about the importance of being a man of integrity and how to reclaim the word "man."
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
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and I am the host and the founder of this podcast, The Order of Man. Guys, this is so much more than a
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podcast though. Yeah, you might find us here in the podcast or through our social media sites, but
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you know, at the end of the day, this is a movement. This is really a movement of hundreds of thousands
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and millions of men across the planet, all working together, banding together, shoulder to shoulder,
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talking about what it means to be a better man, and then going out into the world and taking the
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information that we share here in this podcast and our Facebook groups and our masterminds and
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all the things that we're doing and applying the lessons that are being learned. And I want to tell
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you, I am honored. I am inspired by you each and every day when I see guys who are going out and
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they're salvaging relationships with their spouse. They're forging new bonds with their kids. They're
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coaching their teams. They're going to dance recitals. They're getting promotions. They're facing
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the fear of the unknown and taking risks and starting new businesses and losing weight and growing
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their bank accounts and all the wonderful things and the feedback that I see on a daily basis.
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I'm inspired by that. And one of the unintended consequences of starting this movement, The Order
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of Man, roughly three, a little over three and a half years ago now, is that I have become a better
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man. And when I set out to create the podcast, really, I wanted to gain access to some of the most
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influential, successful men on the planet. And we've certainly done that. And I have grown so much.
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So I want to thank you personally for joining me in this battle and being in this fight of
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reclaiming what it means to be a man. This is your Friday Field Notes. If you don't already know,
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this is me talking for, I don't know, 10 to 15 minutes, whatever it may be on some subjects,
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some ideas, some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain from throughout the week.
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And I've got a good one lined up for you today on the subject of integrity. We're going to talk
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about what that is. And more specifically, we're going to talk about the integrity gap. I'm going to
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explain that in a minute. But while we're on the subject of integrity, I do want to introduce you
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to my friends, the guys over at Origin, Maine. These are guys with integrity, live in integrity
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over the past maybe month, month and a half. You've heard me talk about them before. Up until that point,
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I've had other podcast sponsors and products and things like that. Look, guys, I don't want to
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talk products to you. So I've connected with Pete Roberts at Origin. I know these guys. I know their
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story. We have conversations. We shoot texts back and forth to each other. And I know that these are
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men who are doing big, big things. They are striving to bring American manufacturing, obviously, back to
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America. So everything they do from their geese and their rash guards and their nutritional line
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that's partnered with Jocko, which I personally use. 100% everything is made in America. So if you
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haven't checked them out, Origin, especially if you're into mixed martial arts, specifically Brazilian
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Jiu-Jitsu, they have geese, again, rash guards, training gear, compression pants, and then the
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nutritional line with Jocko. So head to Origin, Maine as in a state Maine. So originmaine.com
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slash order of man. Again, it's originmaine.com slash order of man. And then use order.
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All right. Use order at checkout. That way they know you came through here and you also get a
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discount on your purchase. Originmaine.com slash order of man. Outside of that, guys, not a whole
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lot of announcements. We've got our legacy event coming up, which is a father son event. I had
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enough with the boy scout thing and just this general dismissal of masculinity and programs
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developed and designed for men. It seems like those are going away. So I had enough of it. And so I
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decided I'm going to throw my hat in the ring and start to create the next evolution, if you will,
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of order of man. And that is getting our young men, specifically our sons involved in knowing what
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it means to be a man and then teaching them the skills and the tools and everything they need in
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order to make that transition from boy or young man into adulthood, into a man. So guys, check it out.
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If you haven't checked it out already, father son event, September 20th through the 23rd,
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this year, 2018. And you can learn more at order of man.com slash legacy order of man.com
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slash legacy. All right, enough of that. Let's get into this conversation about the integrity gap.
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Now I have dubbed this, the integrity gap. You may have heard of this concept before, but here's,
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here's what I mean. There is a gap in most men's lives. And in fact, I would argue in every man's
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life, including mine, there's a gap. And this gap represents what we know, what we 100% know we
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should be doing versus the things that we're actually doing. And that represents the integrity
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gap. The larger that gap is, I think the less satisfied, the less fulfilled, the more unhappy,
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the more unpleasant, even into depression that you will be experiencing in your life.
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The smaller that gap, the more fulfillment, satisfaction, joy, contentment, happiness,
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wealth, prosperity will come into your life. There was a time in my life, and this was roughly
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10 years ago. And then I relapsed back into this six years ago where I had this huge gap in my life,
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again, between what I knew I wanted and what I knew I should be doing and what I was actually doing.
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And here's the reality. Everybody that listens to this podcast, including you,
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probably for the most part knows what you should be doing, right? If I were to ask you,
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how do you lose weight? I think 99.9% of people out there would say, well, I probably ought to eat
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a little better. And everybody knows what that means. And I probably ought to exercise and move
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a little bit more. If I were to ask how to build more wealth in your life, I think everybody out there
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would say, I need to find a way to make more money and or spend less money. These are not
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secrets. This is not rocket science here. Everybody knows what they should be doing.
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Yet, when you look around in society, and I can see this, I can see this in men's eyes when I look
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into their eyes and I see that this individual is not living up to his potential and not living up to
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what he knows he should be doing. That's the integrity gap. It's knowing what you should be doing
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and then not doing it. And I'll tell you, that is the most unpleasant, unsatisfying,
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just horrible, frankly, time in your life when you are out of integrity and out of an alignment
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with who you know you need to be and who you want to be. So rather than just tell you that there's
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this big integrity gap and you need to figure out a way to bridge it, which you certainly do.
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What I thought I would do today is share with you three very simple strategies,
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three very simple tactics. You can call it a formula. You can call it whatever you want
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that will help you bridge. And that's what we're talking about here. Bridging the integrity gap,
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bridging the distance between what each of us know we should be doing and what we're actually doing
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in our lives. So let's get right into this. Number one, guys, you've got to have a plan.
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You've got to know what you want. If I were to walk around on the street today and pull out
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a hundred guys and say, tell me what you want. I think everybody would say, yeah, I want to be
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happy. I want to make a little bit more money. I want to live a happy life. I want to do some
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things that are exciting to me, but I would be willing to bet there'd be very few, if any men that
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I could find that knew exactly what they wanted, that knew I want to make X amount of dollars that I
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want to lose this specific, like 20 or 30 pounds of weight, or I want to do this marathon, or I,
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here's the relationship I want. And here's exactly what that looks like. The more clear
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that you can be about what you want out of your life, the more likely it is for you to have that
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thing. Because here's the deal. You know what to say yes to when you know what you want. And you
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also know what to say no to. And there was a time when I had a very, very difficult time saying no
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to anything. And so I allowed all of these little things and distractors, and that's what they were
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to come into my life and distract me from what I really wanted, distract me from what I really
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wanted to accomplish. And I was not moving the needle. Sure. I was busy. Sure. I felt like I had
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done a ton of work, but at the end of the day, when I plop my fat butt on the couch, I thought to
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myself, what in the world did I even accomplish? I know I was busy, but where did my time go? And I
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think that's a great indicator. If you're feeling that way, that you have no plan, that you have no clear
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direction, that you have no focus and you have no idea how you want to live your life,
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what that actually looks like, what specifically you're trying to accomplish, what you should be
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saying yes to, and what you should be saying no to. So the first step in this formula, if you want to
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call it that, this integrity gap or bridging the integrity gap is to make a plan. Very simply know
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what you want. What do you want with the relationship with your spouse? What do you want the relationship
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with your children to look like? What do you want business opportunities to look like? What do you
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want this business to grow to? Do you want a promotion? What does that look like? Do you want
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to run a marathon? And if you do, what type of individual will you need to become? Do you want
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to get stronger? Do you want to lose body fat? What specifically do you want? Write that stuff down,
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gentlemen, and then refer to it each and every day so that it's very, very clear. And it's right at the
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top of your mind about what you want in life. So again, number one, make a plan. Number two,
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don't lie. All right. Don't lie to other people. Don't lie to yourself. And I think that's the
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bigger culprit is lying to yourself. It's waking up or coming up with a plan the night before
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and then waking up in the morning and hitting snooze. Well, guys, I realize you're tired,
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but at the end of the day, if you hit snooze and you had a plan the night before, well, you're a liar.
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And every time you lie to yourself or somebody else, I honestly believe, and I know this sounds
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harsh or a little bit sensationalized, but quite honestly, a little piece of your soul dies.
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When you say you're going to do something or you tell another person you're going to do something,
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or you tell yourself that this is how it's going to be. And you don't live up to that promise.
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You widen the gap. You widen that integrity gap rather than bring that thing closer together.
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I know it's hard because each and every one of us gets into habits. We get into routines. We get
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into complacency. When I was in Iraq in 2005, 2006, we had a sign, uh, as we were leaving the gate and
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it said, complacency kills. I know I've talked about this before. Complacency kills as in literal
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death. Now I know that based on a day-to-day activities that you have going on, that you
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probably won't die. But I think that there is a real threat to our livelihood, to our existence.
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When we widen the gap by lying to ourself about who we are and who we want to become and how we're
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going to get there and the work that's actually required in order to achieve the results from step
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number one, that we say we want. So stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to other people. Be true about
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who you are. Be true about what you're experiencing. Be real with the expectations that you have of
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yourself. And people will ask, well, Ryan, how do I do this? How do I not hit snooze in the morning?
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You just do it. You make the decision. I know you're tired. I'm tired. You make the decision. You
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don't hit snooze in the morning and you get your butt out of bed and you go do the work that you had
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planned out the night before. And through that consistent action of doing it over and over and over and
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over again and not allowing those excuses to come up and not allowing yourself to lie,
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you get better at it and discipline improves. And through that discipline, you start achieving
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what you want and bridging that gap of integrity. So again, number two, do not lie. Number one,
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make a plan. Number two, do not lie. And the third component of this, guys, is just to suck it up.
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All right, just suck it up. You know, sometimes you make a commitment, for example,
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that you aren't excited about. Maybe a neighbor asks you to help them move and you get to Saturday
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and you're like, man, I just want to relax. I've had a busy week and I don't really want to do
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anything. Well, you made a commitment. And step number two is not to lie. So you get yourself up,
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you go take care of your commitment, and then you get back and you can relax and you can do whatever
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it is that you want to do to begin with. The more that you do what you say you're going to do,
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the more confidence that you earn and develop because you realize and recognize that you're
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becoming a man of your word, that you're becoming somebody who can be relied upon, that you are
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proving, proving to yourself that you can be trusted, that you are worth whatever it is that
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you're after. If you continually break those commitments and you continue to lie to yourself
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and lie to others and shirk the responsibilities that you've identified as being important,
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what makes you think that you're entitled to any level of confidence or any level of success?
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I know a lot of guys who seem to believe that they're entitled to success or entitled to other
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people's beliefs. I got news for you. You're not entitled to that. That stuff is earned and it's
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earned through sucking it up and following through on your commitments. And look, here's the other
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benefit of following through on your commitments. If they're commitments that you don't enjoy and yet
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you follow through because you are a man of your word, I think you find out pretty quickly not to
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make empty promises to yourself and other people so that you can do the things that are important
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and you aren't bogged down with the things that you find trivial or boring or insignificant or
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meaningless. Guys, we've got to find a way to bridge this integrity gap. All right. It is, I know,
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it's the worst feeling in the world. And if you're in your life right now and you're listening to this,
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while you're driving or maybe doing a workout or yard work or whatever it is you're doing,
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and you're thinking to yourself, how is this my life? How is this my life? I'm not satisfied with
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where I am financially. I'm not satisfied with the relationship I have with my wife and kids.
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I'm not satisfied with my body or my business. Then I'd be willing to bet that there's a gap in
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your life. And that gap is the integrity gap that you know, you know what you should be doing.
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I get questions all the time. Ryan, how do I lose weight? Ryan, how do I grow a business?
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Ryan, how do I save my marriage? Ryan, how do I do this? How do I do that? And I think more often
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than not, what guys are looking for is not the answer to that question, but an excuse not to do
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what they already know they should be doing. And they're looking to me to give them that excuse.
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I got news for you. I'm not going to give you that excuse. What I'm going to tell you to do is to
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get your butt up and do exactly what you know you should be doing. It's not always easy.
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It's not always comfortable. It's not always fun, but I'll tell you what is fun. I'll tell
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you what is exciting. What is comfortable? It's doing the things that you know you should
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be doing and reaping the benefit, reaping the reward. What would life look like if you
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did everything you knew you should be doing in your relationship? What would your relationship
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look like? You'd be connected more deeply, physically, mentally, emotionally. What would
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your business look like if you did everything that you knew you should be doing? What would
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your body look like? What would your life look like? What kind of car would you drive?
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What kind of house would you live in? What kind of friends would you have? Imagine that with
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me for a second, because when you bridge that integrity gap, those are the things that are
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at your fingertips. So guys, let's recap this. Number one, make a plan specific. The more specific,
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the more tangible, the more actionable it can be, the better off you're going to be. Make a plan
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so you know what to say yes to and what to say no to. Number two, do not lie. Don't lie to other
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people. And more importantly, or I'll say just as importantly, do not lie to yourself. When you are
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a liar, you are out of integrity and it's no wonder that you feel horrible. In fact, you probably should
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feel that way because you're not doing what you should be doing. And that guilt and that sorrow
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and that remorse, don't let that stuff fester. Don't let that be a negative experience for you.
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Use that guilt and that sorrow and that remorse for not doing what you know you should be doing as fuel
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to do better moving forward. And number three, suck it up. If you made some commitments to other
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people, if you made some commitments to yourself, suck it up. Own it. Go do it. Go take care of it.
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And if it's something you don't enjoy, don't commit to it next time. Guys, it's not that
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difficult. All of us have the capacity to do it. It's very simple. Sometimes it's a challenge. Again,
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sometimes it's not fun, not exciting. But if you truly want big things in your life, you're going
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to have to do the work to get there. And part of that work is bridging what I call the integrity gap.
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So guys, as I sign out for today, I want you to know, again, I appreciate you. I'm motivated by you.
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I'm inspired by you. When I try to bridge and make that gap, that integrity gap smaller in my own
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life, I can look to you as an example because you're in the Facebook group and I'm having
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conversations with you on social media and we're having great interview guests. You are the guys
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that inspire me and you have the ability and capacity to inspire others through the type of man
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that you are meant to be. And that is our goal here. That is our objective here. Again, if you would,
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go check out legacy. If you have a son between the ages of eight to 15, you want, trust me,
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you want to check this out. Order of man.com slash legacy. If you want to learn a little bit more
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about how to bridge this integrity gap, how to do the things that you know you should be doing,
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and then having a band of brothers, other men who are going to stand shoulder to shoulder with you,
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and maybe give you the kick in the butt that you need from time to time, then you need to look into
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our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. This is the group that I was talking about.
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That's going to hold you accountable and help you bridge the integrity gap.
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Check that out at order of man.com slash iron council until next week, gentlemen, take action,
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bridge this integrity gap and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
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and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.