Order of Man - FFN 108： Bridging the Integrity Gap

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:28.580 and I am the host and the founder of this podcast, The Order of Man. Guys, this is so much more than a

00:00:34.120 podcast though. Yeah, you might find us here in the podcast or through our social media sites, but

00:00:38.840 you know, at the end of the day, this is a movement. This is really a movement of hundreds of thousands

00:00:43.840 and millions of men across the planet, all working together, banding together, shoulder to shoulder,

00:00:49.500 talking about what it means to be a better man, and then going out into the world and taking the

00:00:53.880 information that we share here in this podcast and our Facebook groups and our masterminds and

00:00:57.520 all the things that we're doing and applying the lessons that are being learned. And I want to tell

00:01:01.480 you, I am honored. I am inspired by you each and every day when I see guys who are going out and

00:01:07.560 they're salvaging relationships with their spouse. They're forging new bonds with their kids. They're

00:01:13.040 coaching their teams. They're going to dance recitals. They're getting promotions. They're facing

00:01:18.420 the fear of the unknown and taking risks and starting new businesses and losing weight and growing

00:01:23.840 their bank accounts and all the wonderful things and the feedback that I see on a daily basis.

00:01:28.800 I'm inspired by that. And one of the unintended consequences of starting this movement, The Order

00:01:33.880 of Man, roughly three, a little over three and a half years ago now, is that I have become a better

00:01:40.180 man. And when I set out to create the podcast, really, I wanted to gain access to some of the most

00:01:45.680 influential, successful men on the planet. And we've certainly done that. And I have grown so much.

00:01:52.400 So I want to thank you personally for joining me in this battle and being in this fight of

00:01:57.960 reclaiming what it means to be a man. This is your Friday Field Notes. If you don't already know,

00:02:02.640 this is me talking for, I don't know, 10 to 15 minutes, whatever it may be on some subjects,

00:02:08.240 some ideas, some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain from throughout the week.

00:02:11.600 And I've got a good one lined up for you today on the subject of integrity. We're going to talk

00:02:16.200 about what that is. And more specifically, we're going to talk about the integrity gap. I'm going to

00:02:21.480 explain that in a minute. But while we're on the subject of integrity, I do want to introduce you

00:02:25.960 to my friends, the guys over at Origin, Maine. These are guys with integrity, live in integrity

00:02:33.780 over the past maybe month, month and a half. You've heard me talk about them before. Up until that point,

00:02:39.460 I've had other podcast sponsors and products and things like that. Look, guys, I don't want to

00:02:43.900 talk products to you. So I've connected with Pete Roberts at Origin. I know these guys. I know their

00:02:50.900 story. We have conversations. We shoot texts back and forth to each other. And I know that these are

00:02:56.060 men who are doing big, big things. They are striving to bring American manufacturing, obviously, back to

00:03:03.520 America. So everything they do from their geese and their rash guards and their nutritional line

00:03:09.060 that's partnered with Jocko, which I personally use. 100% everything is made in America. So if you

00:03:16.440 haven't checked them out, Origin, especially if you're into mixed martial arts, specifically Brazilian

00:03:21.840 Jiu-Jitsu, they have geese, again, rash guards, training gear, compression pants, and then the

00:03:26.660 nutritional line with Jocko. So head to Origin, Maine as in a state Maine. So originmaine.com

00:03:32.480 slash order of man. Again, it's originmaine.com slash order of man. And then use order.

00:03:38.160 All right. Use order at checkout. That way they know you came through here and you also get a

00:03:42.380 discount on your purchase. Originmaine.com slash order of man. Outside of that, guys, not a whole

00:03:49.380 lot of announcements. We've got our legacy event coming up, which is a father son event. I had

00:03:53.740 enough with the boy scout thing and just this general dismissal of masculinity and programs

00:03:59.880 developed and designed for men. It seems like those are going away. So I had enough of it. And so I 1.00

00:04:04.720 decided I'm going to throw my hat in the ring and start to create the next evolution, if you will,

00:04:10.880 of order of man. And that is getting our young men, specifically our sons involved in knowing what

00:04:17.140 it means to be a man and then teaching them the skills and the tools and everything they need in

00:04:21.180 order to make that transition from boy or young man into adulthood, into a man. So guys, check it out.

00:04:27.200 If you haven't checked it out already, father son event, September 20th through the 23rd,

00:04:31.420 this year, 2018. And you can learn more at order of man.com slash legacy order of man.com

00:04:37.900 slash legacy. All right, enough of that. Let's get into this conversation about the integrity gap.

00:04:43.440 Now I have dubbed this, the integrity gap. You may have heard of this concept before, but here's,

00:04:48.860 here's what I mean. There is a gap in most men's lives. And in fact, I would argue in every man's

00:04:55.900 life, including mine, there's a gap. And this gap represents what we know, what we 100% know we

00:05:02.940 should be doing versus the things that we're actually doing. And that represents the integrity

00:05:09.760 gap. The larger that gap is, I think the less satisfied, the less fulfilled, the more unhappy,

00:05:15.640 the more unpleasant, even into depression that you will be experiencing in your life.

00:05:20.600 The smaller that gap, the more fulfillment, satisfaction, joy, contentment, happiness,

00:05:26.580 wealth, prosperity will come into your life. There was a time in my life, and this was roughly

00:05:33.840 10 years ago. And then I relapsed back into this six years ago where I had this huge gap in my life,

00:05:40.100 again, between what I knew I wanted and what I knew I should be doing and what I was actually doing.

00:05:45.540 And here's the reality. Everybody that listens to this podcast, including you,

00:05:49.320 probably for the most part knows what you should be doing, right? If I were to ask you,

00:05:54.040 how do you lose weight? I think 99.9% of people out there would say, well, I probably ought to eat

00:05:59.800 a little better. And everybody knows what that means. And I probably ought to exercise and move

00:06:04.420 a little bit more. If I were to ask how to build more wealth in your life, I think everybody out there

00:06:10.080 would say, I need to find a way to make more money and or spend less money. These are not

00:06:16.680 secrets. This is not rocket science here. Everybody knows what they should be doing.

00:06:23.080 Yet, when you look around in society, and I can see this, I can see this in men's eyes when I look

00:06:27.920 into their eyes and I see that this individual is not living up to his potential and not living up to

00:06:35.120 what he knows he should be doing. That's the integrity gap. It's knowing what you should be doing

00:06:40.620 and then not doing it. And I'll tell you, that is the most unpleasant, unsatisfying,

00:06:47.620 just horrible, frankly, time in your life when you are out of integrity and out of an alignment

00:06:53.240 with who you know you need to be and who you want to be. So rather than just tell you that there's

00:06:58.320 this big integrity gap and you need to figure out a way to bridge it, which you certainly do.

00:07:02.320 What I thought I would do today is share with you three very simple strategies,

00:07:07.080 three very simple tactics. You can call it a formula. You can call it whatever you want

00:07:11.620 that will help you bridge. And that's what we're talking about here. Bridging the integrity gap,

00:07:18.300 bridging the distance between what each of us know we should be doing and what we're actually doing

00:07:23.900 in our lives. So let's get right into this. Number one, guys, you've got to have a plan.

00:07:28.460 You've got to know what you want. If I were to walk around on the street today and pull out

00:07:32.640 a hundred guys and say, tell me what you want. I think everybody would say, yeah, I want to be

00:07:37.760 happy. I want to make a little bit more money. I want to live a happy life. I want to do some

00:07:41.320 things that are exciting to me, but I would be willing to bet there'd be very few, if any men that

00:07:46.820 I could find that knew exactly what they wanted, that knew I want to make X amount of dollars that I

00:07:54.660 want to lose this specific, like 20 or 30 pounds of weight, or I want to do this marathon, or I,

00:08:01.560 here's the relationship I want. And here's exactly what that looks like. The more clear

00:08:06.360 that you can be about what you want out of your life, the more likely it is for you to have that

00:08:12.300 thing. Because here's the deal. You know what to say yes to when you know what you want. And you

00:08:17.960 also know what to say no to. And there was a time when I had a very, very difficult time saying no

00:08:26.120 to anything. And so I allowed all of these little things and distractors, and that's what they were

00:08:30.600 to come into my life and distract me from what I really wanted, distract me from what I really

00:08:36.280 wanted to accomplish. And I was not moving the needle. Sure. I was busy. Sure. I felt like I had

00:08:41.980 done a ton of work, but at the end of the day, when I plop my fat butt on the couch, I thought to

00:08:46.600 myself, what in the world did I even accomplish? I know I was busy, but where did my time go? And I

00:08:52.240 think that's a great indicator. If you're feeling that way, that you have no plan, that you have no clear

00:08:56.960 direction, that you have no focus and you have no idea how you want to live your life,

00:09:02.180 what that actually looks like, what specifically you're trying to accomplish, what you should be

00:09:06.660 saying yes to, and what you should be saying no to. So the first step in this formula, if you want to

00:09:12.220 call it that, this integrity gap or bridging the integrity gap is to make a plan. Very simply know

00:09:17.600 what you want. What do you want with the relationship with your spouse? What do you want the relationship

00:09:22.280 with your children to look like? What do you want business opportunities to look like? What do you

00:09:26.740 want this business to grow to? Do you want a promotion? What does that look like? Do you want

00:09:31.580 to run a marathon? And if you do, what type of individual will you need to become? Do you want

00:09:36.520 to get stronger? Do you want to lose body fat? What specifically do you want? Write that stuff down,

00:09:41.960 gentlemen, and then refer to it each and every day so that it's very, very clear. And it's right at the

00:09:48.660 top of your mind about what you want in life. So again, number one, make a plan. Number two,

00:09:54.520 don't lie. All right. Don't lie to other people. Don't lie to yourself. And I think that's the

00:10:01.060 bigger culprit is lying to yourself. It's waking up or coming up with a plan the night before

00:10:06.240 and then waking up in the morning and hitting snooze. Well, guys, I realize you're tired,

00:10:12.420 but at the end of the day, if you hit snooze and you had a plan the night before, well, you're a liar.

00:10:16.240 And every time you lie to yourself or somebody else, I honestly believe, and I know this sounds

00:10:21.360 harsh or a little bit sensationalized, but quite honestly, a little piece of your soul dies.

00:10:26.980 When you say you're going to do something or you tell another person you're going to do something,

00:10:31.560 or you tell yourself that this is how it's going to be. And you don't live up to that promise.

00:10:37.160 You widen the gap. You widen that integrity gap rather than bring that thing closer together.

00:10:42.540 I know it's hard because each and every one of us gets into habits. We get into routines. We get

00:10:49.040 into complacency. When I was in Iraq in 2005, 2006, we had a sign, uh, as we were leaving the gate and

00:10:55.840 it said, complacency kills. I know I've talked about this before. Complacency kills as in literal

00:11:02.320 death. Now I know that based on a day-to-day activities that you have going on, that you

00:11:08.660 probably won't die. But I think that there is a real threat to our livelihood, to our existence.

00:11:15.860 When we widen the gap by lying to ourself about who we are and who we want to become and how we're

00:11:22.700 going to get there and the work that's actually required in order to achieve the results from step

00:11:27.540 number one, that we say we want. So stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to other people. Be true about

00:11:35.240 who you are. Be true about what you're experiencing. Be real with the expectations that you have of

00:11:41.780 yourself. And people will ask, well, Ryan, how do I do this? How do I not hit snooze in the morning?

00:11:46.160 You just do it. You make the decision. I know you're tired. I'm tired. You make the decision. You

00:11:52.520 don't hit snooze in the morning and you get your butt out of bed and you go do the work that you had

00:11:56.900 planned out the night before. And through that consistent action of doing it over and over and over and

00:12:02.660 over again and not allowing those excuses to come up and not allowing yourself to lie,

00:12:07.980 you get better at it and discipline improves. And through that discipline, you start achieving

00:12:13.020 what you want and bridging that gap of integrity. So again, number two, do not lie. Number one,

00:12:18.860 make a plan. Number two, do not lie. And the third component of this, guys, is just to suck it up.

00:12:24.100 All right, just suck it up. You know, sometimes you make a commitment, for example,

00:12:27.980 that you aren't excited about. Maybe a neighbor asks you to help them move and you get to Saturday

00:12:34.540 and you're like, man, I just want to relax. I've had a busy week and I don't really want to do

00:12:39.600 anything. Well, you made a commitment. And step number two is not to lie. So you get yourself up,

00:12:46.040 you go take care of your commitment, and then you get back and you can relax and you can do whatever

00:12:49.980 it is that you want to do to begin with. The more that you do what you say you're going to do,

00:12:55.820 the more confidence that you earn and develop because you realize and recognize that you're

00:13:00.900 becoming a man of your word, that you're becoming somebody who can be relied upon, that you are

00:13:05.960 proving, proving to yourself that you can be trusted, that you are worth whatever it is that

00:13:14.120 you're after. If you continually break those commitments and you continue to lie to yourself

00:13:21.260 and lie to others and shirk the responsibilities that you've identified as being important,

00:13:26.480 what makes you think that you're entitled to any level of confidence or any level of success?

00:13:32.740 I know a lot of guys who seem to believe that they're entitled to success or entitled to other

00:13:38.360 people's beliefs. I got news for you. You're not entitled to that. That stuff is earned and it's

00:13:44.380 earned through sucking it up and following through on your commitments. And look, here's the other

00:13:49.140 benefit of following through on your commitments. If they're commitments that you don't enjoy and yet

00:13:54.260 you follow through because you are a man of your word, I think you find out pretty quickly not to

00:13:59.120 make empty promises to yourself and other people so that you can do the things that are important

00:14:03.480 and you aren't bogged down with the things that you find trivial or boring or insignificant or

00:14:07.920 meaningless. Guys, we've got to find a way to bridge this integrity gap. All right. It is, I know,

00:14:14.400 it's the worst feeling in the world. And if you're in your life right now and you're listening to this,

00:14:19.140 while you're driving or maybe doing a workout or yard work or whatever it is you're doing,

00:14:24.820 and you're thinking to yourself, how is this my life? How is this my life? I'm not satisfied with

00:14:30.840 where I am financially. I'm not satisfied with the relationship I have with my wife and kids.

00:14:35.800 I'm not satisfied with my body or my business. Then I'd be willing to bet that there's a gap in

00:14:42.740 your life. And that gap is the integrity gap that you know, you know what you should be doing.

00:14:48.160 I get questions all the time. Ryan, how do I lose weight? Ryan, how do I grow a business?

00:14:52.680 Ryan, how do I save my marriage? Ryan, how do I do this? How do I do that? And I think more often

00:14:57.340 than not, what guys are looking for is not the answer to that question, but an excuse not to do

00:15:02.120 what they already know they should be doing. And they're looking to me to give them that excuse.

00:15:06.900 I got news for you. I'm not going to give you that excuse. What I'm going to tell you to do is to

00:15:11.100 get your butt up and do exactly what you know you should be doing. It's not always easy.

00:15:15.760 It's not always comfortable. It's not always fun, but I'll tell you what is fun. I'll tell

00:15:22.220 you what is exciting. What is comfortable? It's doing the things that you know you should

00:15:26.300 be doing and reaping the benefit, reaping the reward. What would life look like if you

00:15:31.420 did everything you knew you should be doing in your relationship? What would your relationship

00:15:35.760 look like? You'd be connected more deeply, physically, mentally, emotionally. What would

00:15:41.380 your business look like if you did everything that you knew you should be doing? What would

00:15:46.800 your body look like? What would your life look like? What kind of car would you drive?

00:15:50.880 What kind of house would you live in? What kind of friends would you have? Imagine that with

00:15:54.640 me for a second, because when you bridge that integrity gap, those are the things that are

00:16:00.100 at your fingertips. So guys, let's recap this. Number one, make a plan specific. The more specific,

00:16:06.360 the more tangible, the more actionable it can be, the better off you're going to be. Make a plan

00:16:11.180 so you know what to say yes to and what to say no to. Number two, do not lie. Don't lie to other

00:16:17.680 people. And more importantly, or I'll say just as importantly, do not lie to yourself. When you are

00:16:25.700 a liar, you are out of integrity and it's no wonder that you feel horrible. In fact, you probably should

00:16:31.260 feel that way because you're not doing what you should be doing. And that guilt and that sorrow

00:16:36.760 and that remorse, don't let that stuff fester. Don't let that be a negative experience for you.

00:16:41.960 Use that guilt and that sorrow and that remorse for not doing what you know you should be doing as fuel

00:16:47.760 to do better moving forward. And number three, suck it up. If you made some commitments to other

00:16:53.880 people, if you made some commitments to yourself, suck it up. Own it. Go do it. Go take care of it.

00:17:01.260 And if it's something you don't enjoy, don't commit to it next time. Guys, it's not that

00:17:06.120 difficult. All of us have the capacity to do it. It's very simple. Sometimes it's a challenge. Again,

00:17:12.400 sometimes it's not fun, not exciting. But if you truly want big things in your life, you're going

00:17:17.420 to have to do the work to get there. And part of that work is bridging what I call the integrity gap.

00:17:23.560 So guys, as I sign out for today, I want you to know, again, I appreciate you. I'm motivated by you.

00:17:30.080 I'm inspired by you. When I try to bridge and make that gap, that integrity gap smaller in my own

00:17:35.840 life, I can look to you as an example because you're in the Facebook group and I'm having

00:17:39.620 conversations with you on social media and we're having great interview guests. You are the guys

00:17:46.600 that inspire me and you have the ability and capacity to inspire others through the type of man

00:17:52.500 that you are meant to be. And that is our goal here. That is our objective here. Again, if you would,

00:17:58.720 go check out legacy. If you have a son between the ages of eight to 15, you want, trust me,

00:18:03.800 you want to check this out. Order of man.com slash legacy. If you want to learn a little bit more

00:18:08.760 about how to bridge this integrity gap, how to do the things that you know you should be doing,

00:18:13.220 and then having a band of brothers, other men who are going to stand shoulder to shoulder with you,

00:18:17.080 and maybe give you the kick in the butt that you need from time to time, then you need to look into 0.91

00:18:20.700 our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. This is the group that I was talking about.

00:18:25.100 That's going to hold you accountable and help you bridge the integrity gap.

00:18:29.260 Check that out at order of man.com slash iron council until next week, gentlemen, take action,

00:18:35.520 bridge this integrity gap and become the man you are meant to be.

00:18:39.560 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:18:44.180 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

00:18:49.700 Thank you.

Order of Man - May 18, 2018

FFN 108： Bridging the Integrity Gap

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