Order of Man - FFN 113： No Victims Here

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.720 Hey, gentlemen. What is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler, and I am the host and founder of this podcast, and frankly, of this movement, The Order of Man.

00:00:33.120 I want to welcome you. If you're visiting and tuning in for the first time, if you've been around for three, three and a half years, I want to welcome you as well.

00:00:40.280 This is a movement about helping you become a better father, a better husband, a better community leader, a better business owner.

00:00:46.880 However you're showing up in life as a man, this is a resource designed to help you.

00:00:50.700 And the way that we do that specifically within the podcast is have some amazing, amazing conversations with some of the most successful men on the planet.

00:00:59.040 These are guys like Jocko Willink, Lewis Howes, Andy Frisilla, Grant Cardone, Tim Kennedy, Jordan Harbinger.

00:01:06.100 I mean, you name it. The list goes on and on and on with regards to the quality of guests that we have come on the show.

00:01:12.760 So I ask them great questions. I hope they're great questions anyways.

00:01:16.040 Please solicit their feedback and their insight and then deliver it to you each and every week.

00:01:20.900 Now, this is a little different. This is your Friday field notes. You get to listen to me ramble, get to listen to me vent even a little bit.

00:01:27.640 We've done some things different. I think that you guys have probably noticed this.

00:01:31.740 I have just been free flowing, if you will, on these.

00:01:34.980 I used to script out the Friday field notes, but as of late over the past, I don't know, three or four episodes now, I don't script these things out.

00:01:42.700 I'm just speaking from the heart, speaking from the soul, speaking about some things that have been on my mind.

00:01:47.040 And I've got a great one lined up for you today on the pathetic trend that I see, which is called the victim mentality.

00:01:54.560 And this is titled No Victims Here because we are not about being victims.

00:01:58.780 I'm going to explain what I mean here in a minute.

00:02:00.240 But before I do, just a quick announcement with regards to our show sponsor, Origin Maine.

00:02:06.180 Guys, I know you've heard me talk about them. Some of you have checked them out. Some of you haven't.

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00:02:15.320 They are bringing back manufacturing to America. 0.88

00:02:18.840 Everything that they do is 100% made in America. 0.99

00:02:21.660 They've got training equipment for jujitsu, rash guards, geese.

00:02:25.680 I use both.

00:02:26.980 They've got an amazing supplemental line partnered up with Jocko Willink.

00:02:30.940 It's called Discipline, which is their pre-workout.

00:02:33.380 Mulk, which is their protein.

00:02:34.460 I also take their Super Krill and their Joint Warfare.

00:02:39.300 And I can tell you, I definitely feel something different.

00:02:42.560 I've definitely reaped the benefits of those supplements.

00:02:45.100 So guys, if you haven't checked it out, go to originmaine.com slash order of man.

00:02:48.880 That's originmaine.com slash order of man.

00:02:51.240 And then make sure you use the code ORDER, all caps, O-R-D-E-R, ORDER at checkout to get a discount.

00:02:57.300 Again, at originmaine.com slash order of man.

00:03:01.000 All right, guys, with that said, let's get into the conversation here today.

00:03:05.900 Again, this is about the victim mindset.

00:03:08.580 I cannot even begin to describe how often I see and how often I hear from men who love to play the victim card.

00:03:17.320 Everybody and everything is stacked against them and everything's out to get them.

00:03:21.720 In all reality, we know that's not true.

00:03:24.000 Now, that's not to say that some things won't happen.

00:03:26.820 Some negative situations won't happen.

00:03:29.580 Of course, they will.

00:03:30.740 And people will screw you.

00:03:32.480 And there are people, frankly, who are out to get you and evil.

00:03:36.820 But the overwhelming majority of the time, it's simply the fact that we've become our own worst enemy.

00:03:42.840 That we have become a victim of ourselves.

00:03:45.600 We are not a victim of other people.

00:03:47.900 We are not a victim of our circumstances.

00:03:50.620 Maybe when you were a child and you had no control or say over your life,

00:03:55.320 potentially you were a victim.

00:03:56.820 But now that you're an adult and you make your own decisions,

00:04:00.080 there's no excuse to fall back on for playing this victim card.

00:04:05.200 What I used to do is I used to tell myself that the reason my marriage was failing is because my wife wasn't doing X, Y, and Z.

00:04:12.460 The reason that my business wasn't thriving is because I wasn't wealthy or I didn't have the connections or nobody trained me correctly.

00:04:20.060 I got into the financial planning field in 2008-2009.

00:04:24.740 If you were around then, you know exactly what was going on.

00:04:27.280 The market was tanking.

00:04:28.280 The economy was diving.

00:04:29.860 And that's what I used as an excuse for why my planning practice wasn't doing well.

00:04:34.840 Was it a reason?

00:04:35.720 Sure.

00:04:36.100 But definitely not an excuse.

00:04:38.360 So, gentlemen, we've got to find a way to drop this victim mindset.

00:04:43.320 And I want you to understand there's a difference between reaching out for help and assistance and guidance and direction and then playing the victim.

00:04:51.280 So, today I'm going to talk about why I think men do this. 0.63

00:04:54.920 We're going to talk about the pitfalls of playing the victim card because if you don't think there's anything wrong with it, you're just going to keep playing that card.

00:05:02.440 So, we're going to talk about the pitfalls and then I'm going to share with you six strategies to avoid being a victim for the rest of your life.

00:05:10.200 Now, before I get into all of that, I do need to describe what it is I'm talking about here.

00:05:14.380 When I'm talking about the victim and playing the victim card, I'm talking about somebody who is absolutely helpless regarding the outcome of a particular event.

00:05:25.600 Now, I realize we've all been there.

00:05:27.760 We've been in situations that we can't control.

00:05:29.840 We've been in situations and circumstances where things are outside of our control and there wasn't anything that we can do about it.

00:05:35.800 But I'd be willing to bet, and I think you'd agree with this, that the overwhelming majority of the circumstances in which we find ourselves are the circumstances in which we placed ourselves.

00:05:45.500 Meaning that those circumstances are the products of the actions and the behaviors and the beliefs that we've adhered to and that we've been practicing.

00:05:55.600 So, when I'm talking about this, I'm actually addressing the mindset.

00:05:59.280 I'm addressing the mindset that a lot of men seem to take on, which is that there's nothing they could do about the situation and nothing is their fault and nothing is their responsibility and they're blaming it on everybody else.

00:06:13.240 That is the victim mentality.

00:06:14.620 That is the victim mindset.

00:06:16.640 So, with that said, let me share with you why I think this is.

00:06:19.320 I think it's really, really important that we understand why a lot of us feel the way we do because if we don't understand and at least have a baseline for our belief system,

00:06:27.720 even if it's a negative belief system, it's going to be very difficult for us to grow.

00:06:31.780 So, number one, I think playing the victim mindset and the victim card, it's easy.

00:06:37.040 It's really easy to say that it's somebody else's fault.

00:06:39.900 We don't have to exert any level of energy or effort or responsibility or accountability or apologize or rectify any situation when it isn't our fault.

00:06:50.800 There's nothing we can do about it.

00:06:52.320 And so, what do you guys do?

00:06:53.120 They throw their hands up in the air and they say, it wasn't my fault, this person, this economy, this situation, but it had nothing to do with me.

00:07:01.700 So, first and foremost, I think the reason people play the victim card is because they're lazy.

00:07:05.920 They don't want to exert themselves.

00:07:07.460 They don't want to accept responsibility.

00:07:08.980 And it's significantly easier to say it's somebody else's fault.

00:07:12.160 Number two, when you play the victim card, it does not damage your pride.

00:07:16.960 All right.

00:07:17.540 All of us have pride.

00:07:18.840 All of us have arrogance.

00:07:20.040 All of us have these egos and they're so fragile that we'll do whatever we can to defend and protect our ego.

00:07:27.380 When we say it's our fault, that's a blow to the ego.

00:07:30.920 When we say it's somebody else's fault, that does nothing to us.

00:07:35.220 See, somebody else did it to me.

00:07:37.220 There wasn't anything else I could have done.

00:07:39.720 And that salvages your ego.

00:07:42.360 It's misguided.

00:07:43.800 It's misdirected.

00:07:44.940 It's misplaced, but it certainly maintains that level of arrogance and pride and ego.

00:07:52.060 We've got to learn to let that go.

00:07:53.940 The next component of this, and I think this is probably very true of a lot of people, is that it's attention-seeking.

00:08:02.760 It's attention-seeking when somebody says,

00:08:05.520 I was the victim, I was at the mercy of this event or this individual, and this person was out to get me, and this situation happened.

00:08:14.720 And I think a lot of these people love the attention.

00:08:18.100 They love the negative attention that they receive when they play the victim.

00:08:22.480 It's unfortunate because it's very similar to the boy who cried wolf.

00:08:26.760 And very quickly, people begin to recognize who the victims are and who the victims aren't, and they naturally gravitate and move away from the victim.

00:08:37.160 So, what do the victims do?

00:08:38.460 Well, they magnify their stories.

00:08:41.180 They get a little bit louder.

00:08:42.840 They get a little bit more sensationalized in their claims of being a victim.

00:08:48.120 So, they're seeking attention.

00:08:49.300 And the last reason I identified as to why people love to play the victim card is that they want the benefit of whatever they're talking about, whatever the circumstance is, without having to pay the price.

00:09:03.360 They want the relationship without having to invest the time and energy and resources into that relationship.

00:09:08.780 They want the promotion without earning the promotion.

00:09:11.080 They want the raise without earning the raise.

00:09:13.180 They want the six-pack abs without having to wake up an hour early every morning and go to the gym for the next three, four, five years.

00:09:19.940 They want something for nothing.

00:09:21.940 And because they can't really have something for nothing, well, then it must have been something else.

00:09:27.200 And if it's something else, maybe, just maybe, somebody will feel bad enough for me that they'll give me what it is I desire without going out and earning it.

00:09:37.840 And there's some real problems with this, guys.

00:09:39.620 I mean, there's some real pitfalls that need to be discussed when people play this card, when people refuse to accept responsibility.

00:09:50.380 Number one, and I think this is the most important reason why you've got to, with all that you can, avoid being a victim of your surroundings and situations.

00:09:59.200 You, when you play that card, subject yourself to this outside circumstance.

00:10:05.420 See, if it was your wife's fault that your relationship fell apart, you have now subjected yourself to her.

00:10:13.200 See, she has to change. 0.99

00:10:15.020 She has to do something.

00:10:16.440 The ball is in her court in order for you not to be the victim anymore.

00:10:20.520 If you're complaining about your boss and how big of a jerk he is, and that's the reason you didn't get the promotion,

00:10:26.500 then it's in your boss's power to do something about it.

00:10:29.840 There's nothing you can do until and if and when he decides to change.

00:10:34.860 If it's the economy that you're blaming all of your lack of financial abundance on,

00:10:41.400 well, you have to sit back and wait for the economy to rebound or improve.

00:10:46.300 And you are subjecting yourself and putting yourself at the mercy of outside factors, other people, and things that you frankly cannot control.

00:10:54.620 And the ultimate result of doing that is that you live a life less than you're capable of.

00:11:00.300 You live in mediocrity.

00:11:02.120 You could have the six-pack abs, but you refuse to face the facts that you've got to get into the gym.

00:11:08.080 You could have the amazing, incredible, deep, connected relationship with your wife

00:11:14.700 if you'd only let go of the fact that maybe you have a small part to play in the relationship itself.

00:11:21.720 You could have the business.

00:11:23.180 You could have the promotions.

00:11:24.780 You could have the wealth.

00:11:26.180 Everything that you ever wanted is at the end of accepting responsibility and accountability for your life.

00:11:32.660 And when you decide to play the victim, again, you're subjecting yourself to other people and other circumstances

00:11:39.240 and you're living life less than you're capable of.

00:11:43.080 So now with that said, let's talk about some ways to overcome being the victim.

00:11:47.460 And by the way, if you know anybody that needs to hear this because they like to play the victim card,

00:11:51.820 if you would share this episode, more and more men need to hear this.

00:11:55.980 It's becoming painfully obvious that the trend is increasing more and more victims,

00:12:02.140 more and more people want something for nothing, more and more people want it easy.

00:12:05.980 More people have their arrogance and their pride.

00:12:08.640 More people want attention and more people are living in mediocrity and subjecting themselves

00:12:14.400 to the mercy of everything and everyone around them.

00:12:18.000 So let's talk about these solutions.

00:12:20.120 Number one, you've got to vow right now, vow to take ownership of your life.

00:12:26.060 And it's not just saying take ownership because that's a buzzword.

00:12:29.320 It's about accepting ownership and responsibility for every situation you find yourself in.

00:12:36.760 Every situation you find yourself in, even the ones that are outside of your control.

00:12:41.480 And I want you to understand here that accepting responsibility does not mean that you're accepting

00:12:46.620 fault.

00:12:47.600 You've got to understand that because I think there's a lot of people out there who believe

00:12:50.820 that if you accept responsibility, somehow you're accepting the blame.

00:12:55.100 You're accepting the fault.

00:12:56.280 Look, bad stuff happens.

00:12:58.360 That's the reality.

00:12:59.640 And sometimes there's not a thing that you can do about it.

00:13:02.300 But if you accept responsibility for your own life and for the situation, you're less likely

00:13:08.400 to put yourself in those situations, in those negative encounters moving forward.

00:13:13.340 Vow to take ownership.

00:13:14.420 And if you want a great book, a great resource on the subject, read Extreme Ownership by Jocko

00:13:19.320 Willink.

00:13:19.720 Most everybody who's listening to this podcast has read that book or listened to the book.

00:13:23.900 If you haven't, go ahead and do that because it's a step-by-step guide for taking ownership,

00:13:29.340 accountability, and responsibility in your life.

00:13:32.000 So number one, take ownership and responsibility of your life.

00:13:34.800 Number two, and I touched on this last week when I talked about the systematic softening

00:13:40.580 of society.

00:13:41.660 Number two is self-reliance.

00:13:43.940 You've got to do everything that you can to become completely self-reliant.

00:13:48.920 You've got to get off the medications.

00:13:51.540 You've got to get yourself out of debt.

00:13:54.020 You've got to stop subjecting yourself to the boss and to the wife and to the employer

00:13:59.180 and to the client and to this and to that.

00:14:01.740 And the way that you do that is by developing the skills, the talents, the abilities to take

00:14:08.300 care of yourself.

00:14:09.660 And I'm not saying that you can't accept help occasionally.

00:14:13.420 That's just as important as learning to deal with it on your own is being gracious and accepting

00:14:19.200 the offer for help and guidance and direction.

00:14:21.440 My life really didn't start turning around until I accepted that.

00:14:25.020 But there came a point in time where I said, you know what?

00:14:27.320 I've got this.

00:14:28.860 I can do this.

00:14:29.740 I don't want to subject myself to pharmaceutical companies.

00:14:34.080 I don't want to subject myself to the bank and their financial terms.

00:14:37.800 And in order to keep myself sovereign and keep myself independent and self-reliant, I developed

00:14:44.680 the skills and the tools and the abilities and the strategies for making sure that I could

00:14:50.340 pave my own way, making sure that I could take care of myself, making sure that I was anticipating

00:14:55.440 potential threats and situations, negative situations that may come up so that when they

00:15:00.400 do, I'm adequately prepared.

00:15:02.320 One of the things that we do, for example, is food storage in our house.

00:15:05.360 I don't want to be caught in a situation where we're not able to get food or fuel or power

00:15:12.300 for any amount of time.

00:15:14.000 And so I've anticipated that I've prepared and planned up front so that if that happens,

00:15:20.340 I'm self-reliant.

00:15:21.780 Our family is reliant on ourselves, nothing and nobody else, no victims here.

00:15:28.260 All right.

00:15:28.520 That's number two.

00:15:29.360 Number three, guys, I already addressed this.

00:15:31.460 Drop the ego.

00:15:32.220 All right.

00:15:32.860 Drop the ego.

00:15:34.400 Your ego is getting in the way of your success.

00:15:38.920 Ryan Holiday wrote a great book called Ego is the Enemy.

00:15:42.060 If you haven't read that one, read that one.

00:15:44.060 Your ego is destroying your chances of success.

00:15:48.760 We think that it makes us stronger.

00:15:50.560 We think that when we put up this barrier or this wall that we're stronger for doing it.

00:15:55.900 We're not.

00:15:56.500 We're actually weaker.

00:15:57.880 We're weaker because we can't see the blind spots that present themselves.

00:16:02.020 We refuse to look for the blind spots.

00:16:04.540 And so what do we do?

00:16:05.580 We play dumb.

00:16:06.760 We play ignorant.

00:16:07.760 We plead ignorance when something bad happens and we say that it was someone or something

00:16:11.720 else's fault for our own struggles and our own trials.

00:16:16.820 Gentlemen, drop the ego.

00:16:18.740 It's okay to ask for assistance.

00:16:20.800 It's okay that you don't know everything about everything.

00:16:24.660 It's okay that you look a little foolish from time to time.

00:16:27.220 It's okay to even ask questions that you may not necessarily know the answer to.

00:16:32.020 The only reason we don't do those things is because we're worried about the perception

00:16:35.600 from other people, the way that other people think of us, the way they view us, the way

00:16:40.260 they perceive us.

00:16:41.480 It's not a healthy way to live.

00:16:43.380 And it's certainly not producing the results that I think most of you are after.

00:16:47.700 Number four, ask yourself what lesson can be learned?

00:16:51.940 Even in situations that you don't have any control over, what lesson can be learned so

00:16:57.660 that next time you avoid the situation you found yourself in?

00:17:01.780 The more you look at life as a learning experience, a learning opportunity, the more lessons you

00:17:06.900 learn, the smarter you get, the more intelligent, the more resilient, the tougher, the stronger

00:17:11.740 that you get.

00:17:13.100 The more capable you become of addressing those problems that will inevitably come up in the

00:17:18.460 future.

00:17:19.360 And I've said this before.

00:17:20.280 If you don't learn the lesson, you are bound to repeat it over and over and over again.

00:17:26.040 It's why you see some people continue to do dumb things.

00:17:29.780 They never really open themselves up to learning the lesson, to learning what needed to be

00:17:35.720 learned, whether that was a skill or a mindset in order for that not to happen moving forward.

00:17:43.640 So guys, ask yourself constantly in negative situations, what lesson can be learned?

00:17:49.720 If you lost money, what lesson can be learned?

00:17:52.500 If someone screwed you over, what lesson can be learned?

00:17:55.640 If you go through a separation with your wife, what lesson can be learned?

00:17:59.320 If somebody gets a promotion over you, what lesson can be learned?

00:18:03.720 If one of your clients fires you, what lesson can be learned?

00:18:08.040 It's not the end of the world.

00:18:09.360 It may seem like it, but it's not.

00:18:11.180 And if you don't learn the lesson, it's going to keep happening over and over again.

00:18:15.800 And the last lesson I want to share with you, and this is right along the lines of learning

00:18:19.420 the lesson is doing an after action review.

00:18:21.940 For those of you who spent time in the military or as a first responder, you're probably familiar

00:18:27.620 with what I'm talking about here.

00:18:28.680 It's a process.

00:18:30.080 Very simply, it's a series of questions that you can ask yourself after every engagement,

00:18:34.800 encounter, conversation, project, whatever it may be that will help you create a roadmap,

00:18:41.460 a direction moving forward.

00:18:43.540 I asked myself five questions.

00:18:45.580 I literally used to write these down, but now it's so internalized that I just ask myself,

00:18:50.320 I'll do it after this podcast.

00:18:51.780 I'll do it at the end of the day.

00:18:53.000 I'll do it after conversations or experiences I have with my family.

00:18:56.680 And the five questions are number one, what did I accomplish?

00:19:00.600 What did I accomplish?

00:19:01.820 Number two, what did I not accomplish?

00:19:04.280 I may have set out in this project to do X, Y, and Z, and I fell short.

00:19:08.280 I got X and Y done, but I didn't get Z done.

00:19:10.940 So number two, what did I not accomplish?

00:19:13.000 Number three, what did I do well?

00:19:15.240 Was there certain skills or certain elements of that project or conversation or podcast

00:19:19.820 or whatever it may be that went very well that I thrived at?

00:19:23.180 And if there are, that's good to know because then I need to double down on those things next

00:19:26.280 time.

00:19:26.580 Those are the things that I'm good at.

00:19:28.400 Number four, what did I not do so well?

00:19:31.740 Where did I struggle?

00:19:32.780 Where did I flounder?

00:19:33.660 What skills do I need to develop?

00:19:36.280 What resources do I need in order to ensure that I'm able to accomplish the task moving

00:19:41.000 forward?

00:19:42.200 And number five, what will I do moving forward?

00:19:45.760 What will I do the same?

00:19:47.240 What will I do different?

00:19:48.920 This is probably the most important question because it gives you a clear plan of action

00:19:53.100 for moving forward.

00:19:54.620 Guys, it's very, very simple stuff.

00:19:57.660 Do not fall prey to the victim mentality and the victim mindset.

00:20:01.400 You subject yourself to outside factors that you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to and

00:20:06.800 you live a life of mediocrity.

00:20:08.480 If you're listening to this podcast, you're not interested in living a life of mediocrity

00:20:12.700 and in order to elevate your standard of living, your fitness, your relationships, your business,

00:20:18.780 your bank account, every element of your life, you are going to have to accept responsibility

00:20:23.720 and ownership.

00:20:24.820 You are going to have to become self-reliant in every way.

00:20:28.300 You're going to have to drop your ego.

00:20:29.680 So you're going to have to ask yourself what lessons can be learned and you're going to

00:20:33.400 have to do some after action review and planning.

00:20:36.760 So guys, that's what I have for you today.

00:20:38.700 I hope that helps.

00:20:39.940 I hope that gives you some insight.

00:20:41.800 I'm sure that you recognize some of this certainly in other people.

00:20:45.360 I hope that you recognize some of this in yourself because I do believe that self-reflection

00:20:49.440 is critical and it's not always pretty to look in the mirror and face your own inadequacies.

00:20:54.660 I certainly don't enjoy that process, but I'm more concerned with my growth and my expansion

00:21:00.000 and becoming a better father, a better husband, a better business owner, a better community

00:21:05.780 leader.

00:21:06.380 And in order to become better in those areas, I have to take an objective look at my situation.

00:21:13.900 And I know at times in my life, I have been more than happy and more than willing to play

00:21:19.280 that victim card, but I'm after something more.

00:21:22.000 I know you guys are too.

00:21:23.280 So gentlemen, until next week, take action.

00:21:26.420 No victims here.

00:21:27.960 Become a man you are meant to be.

00:21:30.080 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:21:33.020 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:21:37.040 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:21:43.900 We invite you to join the Order of Man podcast.

Order of Man - June 22, 2018

FFN 113： No Victims Here

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