Order of Man - FFN 114： Fixing Your Marriage by Fixing Yourself

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.720 Hey, gentlemen. What is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler, and I am the host and the founder of this podcast, The Order of Man.

00:00:31.660 This is a podcast and, frankly, a movement dedicated to helping you and me also become a better man, a better father, a better husband, a better business owner, community leader.

00:00:42.220 Wherever it is that we're showing up, this is geared towards helping us improve as men.

00:00:46.520 Now, I will be the first to admit and tell you that I don't have all of this stuff figured out.

00:00:51.220 But between me and the guests that I bring on, we've got some of the conversations that need to be had that can improve our lives in every facet of our lives, wherever it is that we are showing up.

00:01:01.240 And we continue to grow each and every week, which is a testament to the power of this message and the importance of masculinity and manliness in society, I think now more than ever.

00:01:13.440 Now, guys, I've got a great one lined up for you today.

00:01:15.640 This is a topic when it comes to fixing our marriages that I haven't talked about for a couple of years, probably on the podcast and Instagram and Facebook, Twitter, wherever it is that we're showing up on social media and the blog and everywhere else.

00:01:29.720 But I continue, continue to see this conversation get brought up and questions about it.

00:01:35.100 And I think it's so, so important that we address the topic of marriage and how important this is.

00:01:39.500 And just as important, making sure that we are capable of fulfilling our marital vows and obligations, because not only does it help us as men, it helps our wives.

00:01:50.680 Obviously, it helps our children.

00:01:52.420 And I think generally speaking, marriage is good for society as a whole.

00:01:57.160 So I'm going to talk with you about that today.

00:01:58.540 Before I do, I do want to share with you something that I haven't shared for a little while.

00:02:02.620 And that is our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council.

00:02:05.540 This is a group of men, 410, give or take, who are working together to improve their lives, fitness, relationships, business.

00:02:16.080 I mean, you name it, every area of life.

00:02:17.820 If they are trying to improve, they're coming up with objectives.

00:02:21.040 They're coming up with tactics and plans for making that a reality.

00:02:24.380 And then, of course, you have the brotherhood and the camaraderie.

00:02:26.840 And most importantly, the accountability with other men who are achieving on big, big levels.

00:02:32.140 And they're being held accountable to the things that they identify as being important and critical in their own development on their journey to become better fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders.

00:02:42.200 So if you haven't checked it out or if you're on the fence, I would encourage you to join.

00:02:46.340 Just check it out.

00:02:47.240 Join us for 30 days.

00:02:48.180 See what you think.

00:02:48.920 Worst case scenario, you're going to walk away with a battle plan, a very specific, actionable strategy for improving and increasing and doing more in your life.

00:02:56.360 Best case scenario, you're going to see how valuable this is and connect with the other men inside of the council and see what the fuss is all about and see how you can improve your own life moving forward.

00:03:06.040 So check it out. Orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. Again, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:03:11.820 So guys, with that said, let's have a conversation about how to fix your marriage.

00:03:16.040 Now, this is going to be probably a different take.

00:03:19.820 Maybe some of you are tuning in thinking that I'm going to tell you how to communicate better with your wife or how to get her to open up or how to get her to change.

00:03:26.120 And while I think there's some things that we can certainly talk about there, what I really want to do is I want to talk about fixing yourself, fixing yourself, because when you go to work on yourself, when you improve who you are as a man and how you're showing up and the things that you're doing as a husband and a father, then those are the things that are naturally going to produce a better marriage.

00:03:48.320 A strong marriage is the result of the things that you are doing and the things that your wife is doing, frankly, but there's nothing you can do about her.

00:03:54.620 There's only the things that you can do about yourself.

00:03:56.960 And specifically today, guys, this message is catered to any man who's listening, who might be going through a rocky situation or in a separation or potentially even going through a divorce right now.

00:04:09.520 It's so, so important that we talk about this.

00:04:11.720 But also, even if you're not in that situation, even if you're single, I still think this is important that we discuss and have this conversation because it's going to help you get to a point where when this comes and guys, marriage is tough.

00:04:24.620 Anybody who's been married for any amount of time understands how challenging marriage can be.

00:04:29.860 You get two people together who have different cultures, different ideas, different backgrounds, different beliefs, a different mindset about the way that they operate when it comes to their health or how they're going to raise kids or their view of society or politics in general.

00:04:45.100 It's really, really challenging to say the least.

00:04:49.240 And the more that you can begin to fix yourself, the more that you can go to work on yourself, the stronger that marriage is going to be.

00:04:58.380 And what I see, and this is what I did.

00:05:00.320 This is the very same trap that I fell into when I got married.

00:05:03.860 The very first thing to go was all of the things that helped me become a better man.

00:05:09.620 And I did that because I wanted to spend time with my wife.

00:05:12.340 I wanted to be around her.

00:05:13.820 I wanted to be connected to her.

00:05:15.360 And so I let go of all my friends and I let go of my hobbies and I let go of the things that lifted me up and instead focused all of my time and energy, attention and resources on her, which isn't necessarily bad in and of itself, but it came at the expense of my own well-being.

00:05:33.300 It came at the expense of my own well-being.

00:05:35.040 And I think any man who's listening to this, who's gone through challenges in his marriage, understands exactly what I'm talking about.

00:05:41.700 So guys, if you're single or you're just getting married, please heed my word of caution here.

00:05:47.340 Do not let yourself go.

00:05:50.500 Continue to take care of yourself.

00:05:52.400 Continue to find ways to edify, to uplift, to energize, to recharge yourself.

00:05:57.940 Because when you do that, you can come back into a marriage more successful, more engaged, and it's just going to be a better relationship if you can do that and if she can do that as well.

00:06:09.880 So what I wanted to do as I was thinking about what I wanted to talk with you about today is I wanted to talk with you a little bit about my own separation with my wife, which was nearly 10 years ago.

00:06:19.520 I want to share that insight with you because I think there's some important things that need to be discussed and some things, again, that you might be experiencing in your own life or have or will at some point.

00:06:31.260 And then what I want to do on top of that is make sure that I share some strategies with you.

00:06:35.620 So today I jotted down, what did I got?

00:06:38.440 Seven.

00:06:39.460 I've got seven different strategies here that are going to help you go to work on yourself so that you can come back to the relationship more engaged, energized, recharge.

00:06:49.520 All of that stuff.

00:06:50.640 All right, so let's talk about my separation first.

00:06:52.820 This was about 10 years ago.

00:06:54.560 My wife and I got into an argument one evening.

00:06:57.700 I think at the time we had been married for roughly four years.

00:07:02.400 It was.

00:07:02.700 It was four years.

00:07:04.240 And one night my wife and I got into an argument.

00:07:06.240 I cannot for the life of me remember what that argument was about.

00:07:09.120 It doesn't matter.

00:07:10.400 I'm sure thinking about this that it was insignificant, that whatever it is we were arguing about was probably petty and just not worth arguing about.

00:07:19.340 But all of the years of frustration and bitterness and animosity and contention had led up to this one evening where we got into an argument.

00:07:29.200 And I remember saying to her, and it breaks my heart even talking about it now, that I told her I don't even want to be married anymore.

00:07:35.420 And when I said that, I couldn't believe what I said.

00:07:38.680 But when I said that, she agreed and she said the same thing back.

00:07:42.700 Now, the next morning I left, I went to northern Utah, which is about four hours north from where I live for some training with my business.

00:07:50.800 And I got about an hour on the road and I thought to myself, man, what are you doing?

00:07:57.040 Your marriage is falling apart.

00:07:58.500 Your wife's going to leave you with your six-month-old son. 1.00

00:08:02.660 The business isn't particularly doing all that well either.

00:08:06.020 So why are you going up for this training when everything else is falling apart around you?

00:08:10.540 So I turned around and I turned around and I came back home and she was still there.

00:08:15.820 And I told her that I didn't want her to leave, that I wanted her to stick around and see what we could do to work it out.

00:08:23.660 I loved this woman.

00:08:25.320 But by then it was too little, too late.

00:08:27.400 And she decided that she wasn't interested in that and left. 0.99

00:08:31.060 And she went and moved in with her parents.

00:08:33.300 Now, guys, for the longest time, now, guys, for the longest time, it was anger.

00:08:41.120 It was frustration.

00:08:43.100 It was resentment.

00:08:44.480 How could she do this to me? 1.00

00:08:46.600 Why was she being disloyal?

00:08:48.140 Why didn't she love me?

00:08:49.300 Why didn't she appreciate me and all the things I was doing for the family?

00:08:52.840 How could she do this?

00:08:54.420 How could she take my son away?

00:08:56.440 And I blamed everything on her.

00:08:59.280 Now, when I talk about this, a lot of guys will say, well, yeah, she had something to do with it.

00:09:03.940 And that's absolutely right.

00:09:05.200 And she would be the first to tell you that she had something to do with the demise of our relationship as well.

00:09:09.560 But I came to the conclusion, and I don't know why I came to this conclusion, but I was driving down the road.

00:09:16.420 I remember the road I was on.

00:09:18.180 I remember the cross street I was on.

00:09:20.080 And I remember thinking to myself that the marriage, and this is probably about three and a half to four months into our separation.

00:09:29.100 And I remember thinking at that point, Ryan, this marriage might be over.

00:09:33.140 Because up until that point, I thought that we could work it out.

00:09:36.600 I thought we could make the thing work.

00:09:38.020 Everybody said, give up, Ryan.

00:09:39.280 It's over.

00:09:39.860 Move on.

00:09:40.320 It's over.

00:09:40.900 And in my heart and in my soul, I knew I didn't want to do that.

00:09:45.760 So this was the very first time that I actually came to the conclusion that, you know what, maybe these people are right.

00:09:51.540 Maybe this marriage is over.

00:09:52.800 And as difficult as that was for me to wrestle with, and as challenging as that was for me to think about, it was the catalyst.

00:10:00.380 And I would go so far as to say it was the single greatest catalyst or moment in my life for positive change that has literally over the past decade transformed the landscape of our marriage,

00:10:16.000 transformed the landscape of my fitness and my business and every single area of life that I show up.

00:10:23.020 And the revelation I had at that moment was that although the marriage might be over, I'm going to accept now responsibility for the one thing that I have control over.

00:10:35.380 And it wasn't the marriage and it wasn't her.

00:10:37.740 It was me.

00:10:39.320 Because up until that point, I said, if only I can get her to change, if only I can get her to do X, Y, and Z.

00:10:44.460 If only she would see the errors of her ways, then our marriage would work out.

00:10:49.480 Then everything would be fine.

00:10:51.560 The problem was, is I was trying to manipulate and coerce and strong arm and do everything that I possibly could to quote unquote, win her back.

00:11:00.600 And at this moment in my life, as I was sitting there in my truck and on this road and cross street, thinking that the marriage was over and deciding for the first time potentially in my life that I would just go to work on myself.

00:11:12.800 That if the marriage was over, I was going to be the greatest catch, the absolute greatest catch for the next woman to come into my life. 1.00

00:11:23.200 And that's exactly what I did.

00:11:24.740 I went to work on myself.

00:11:26.160 I'm going to share some strategies here with you in a minute.

00:11:27.980 But as I did this, as I went to work on myself, I'm going to tell you again exactly what that means.

00:11:34.100 It was fascinating because she responded to that.

00:11:38.960 I mean, it was literally like me walking to a light switch on the wall and flipping that switch with her.

00:11:46.340 She saw that I was serious.

00:11:47.540 She saw that I was doing different things.

00:11:49.300 She saw that I was serious about being a better man, a better father, a better husband.

00:11:53.560 We call this influence, guys.

00:11:55.920 We cannot control and manipulate what other people do and think and how they behave and the actions they take and what they think.

00:12:03.100 But we can influence that.

00:12:05.120 And we influence that by becoming more influential.

00:12:09.120 Now, about this time, here's where everybody says, oh, Ryan, you're just you're a beta or you just succumb to her will or her wishes or anything like that.

00:12:16.320 Guys, that's not what this is about.

00:12:18.540 As I went to work on myself, I built confidence in myself.

00:12:22.260 I began to take care of myself.

00:12:24.400 I began to respect and appreciate and even love who I was being and who I was becoming.

00:12:30.940 That's what she resonated with.

00:12:33.180 And around this time, as I continue to go on this journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, we started to date again, which I know sounds a little funny considering we were still married.

00:12:45.520 But we started to date again and there was a new energy and enthusiasm and excitement and life in our relationship that just had not been there.

00:12:55.080 Because I think for the first time in four years, I was more capable of bringing something to the relationship.

00:13:02.560 See, what a lot of guys will do is they'll suck all of their wife's energy from them and they'll ask their wife to be both the masculine and the feminine energy. 1.00

00:13:13.080 They'll ask them to be the supporter emotionally, mentally.

00:13:17.180 And so when a wife, a spouse uses up all of her energy and your energy is now depleted, there's nothing new coming into the relationship. 0.84

00:13:28.320 And the way you know that this is the problem is your wife says, there's no spark.

00:13:33.280 There's no fire.

00:13:34.400 There's no love.

00:13:35.880 I'm not in love with you anymore.

00:13:37.500 Yeah.

00:13:37.880 Well, you probably drain that energy from her because you weren't out creating your own energy.

00:13:43.760 And that's the trap that I fell into.

00:13:45.660 That's the trap I was talking about earlier, where you're no longer energizing and uplifting and edifying yourself.

00:13:51.620 So you ask her to do it.

00:13:54.000 Any human being can only do that so long before they are burnt out as well.

00:13:59.820 So we started a date and I remember I was in Salt Lake for some training for the business.

00:14:06.840 And I got a call from my wife and she said, Ryan, I want to come back home.

00:14:11.720 I want to move in.

00:14:12.800 I want to come back home.

00:14:14.580 And she did.

00:14:15.660 That was roughly 10 years ago.

00:14:18.020 Now our marriage isn't perfect.

00:14:19.440 We have our ups and downs and we have our challenges and we argue.

00:14:22.420 She's stubborn.

00:14:23.040 I'm stubborn.

00:14:23.880 We're both set in our ways.

00:14:25.220 We both have certain ways of doing things.

00:14:27.120 And so there's challenges, but we're better equipped because she knows how to take care of herself.

00:14:31.960 And I know how to take care of myself.

00:14:34.040 I'm strong without her.

00:14:36.080 She is strong without me.

00:14:38.300 And because we're both strong independently, we're stronger together.

00:14:42.720 If she has to rely on me or I have to rely on her for everything within the marriage to get what I want, that will pose a problem.

00:14:51.360 And it did in our marriage.

00:14:53.420 In the next couple of days, in fact, as I released this episode, I think our anniversary was probably just one or two days ago.

00:15:01.240 So our 14 year wedding anniversary, we've got four kids.

00:15:07.060 Life is good.

00:15:08.080 Of course, it has its ups and downs and challenges, but it's never been better because I learned what I'm going to share with you here in the next little bit.

00:15:14.880 But I learned to take care of myself, I learned to build trust and credibility and confidence in who I was.

00:15:25.180 And she sees that she recognizes that and we're strong because of that.

00:15:29.480 Now, I do have to say this, guys, and this is the truth.

00:15:32.460 And it's not always a comfortable truth that you could do everything I talk about, that you could completely go to work on yourself, that you could change who you are and become a new man entirely.

00:15:42.720 And the marriage still may not work out.

00:15:46.880 I hope that doesn't happen.

00:15:49.060 I hope that your relationship continues.

00:15:51.940 I hope that it stays intact for decades and decades and decades.

00:15:56.180 But the reality is it doesn't always work out.

00:15:58.420 But I will say this.

00:15:59.700 It's never, never a bad idea to work on yourself.

00:16:05.020 The more that you work on yourself, the more that you improve yourself, the more that the situation and circumstances around you have a way of taking care of yourself.

00:16:12.720 Taking care of themselves, whether it's with your wife or potentially a new partner down the road, take care of yourself, focus on yourself, implement the seven strategies that I'm going to talk with you about today.

00:16:25.160 And things do have a way of working themselves out.

00:16:27.500 All right.

00:16:27.820 Now, let me talk about these.

00:16:29.280 Number one, if you're going through a divorce or a separation or a challenge within your marriage, I would say that the first thing you need to understand is that you've got to give yourself time and attention, specifically if you're separated with your partner.

00:16:42.260 Time and attention.

00:16:45.080 Focus your attention elsewhere, not on her, elsewhere, and give yourself the time and the space to heal, to mend, to go to work on yourself.

00:16:55.880 A lot of guys are going to look at this and think that during a separation, it's a negative time.

00:17:00.000 And certainly it is.

00:17:00.820 Let's not beat around the bush.

00:17:01.880 It is.

00:17:02.240 It's dark.

00:17:03.100 If you've been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

00:17:05.700 But you have an opportunity.

00:17:07.680 And it is.

00:17:08.340 It's an opportunity for you to go to work on yourself.

00:17:11.860 So take this time to work on yourself, to improve yourself, to enhance yourself.

00:17:17.340 Look at it as an opportunity to redefine who you are and how you're showing up.

00:17:21.920 Number one, give yourself time and attention.

00:17:23.660 Number two, expose yourself to new information.

00:17:28.560 You are a product of the thoughts and the ideas and the beliefs and the actions that you take.

00:17:35.320 The reason that your marriage isn't working out the way that you want it to is because there's a certain level of inputs that you have in your brain that are causing you to inevitably produce certain outputs.

00:17:48.360 In this case, an unhealthy relationship.

00:17:50.640 The only way to improve your situation, the only way to change your situation is to change the information that you're putting into the six inches between your ears.

00:18:00.940 So when I went through my separation, I began to read books.

00:18:04.740 I began to listen to CDs.

00:18:07.080 I don't think there was very many podcasts, if any, during my separation.

00:18:11.560 So I listened to CDs wherever I was driving.

00:18:13.780 It was CDs.

00:18:14.420 It was self-help, how to improve yourself, how to communicate, how to grow a business.

00:18:17.480 I was reading all kinds of books and if you go to the show notes page for this particular show, I'll put a link on books that every man should read that I think will help.

00:18:28.880 Put new information into your brain.

00:18:32.280 That is the only way to create new results.

00:18:35.880 New information in, new results out.

00:18:38.900 If you continue to do it the same way over and over again or you think that maybe I'll just do more of the same thing or I'll do the same thing even harder than I did before, you're going to produce the negative results that much quicker.

00:18:54.460 It's not going to improve the results.

00:18:56.020 It's going to exponentially increase the damaging effects of whatever has been produced in your life up to this point.

00:19:03.900 So number two, expose yourself to new information.

00:19:06.040 Number three guys, critical, critical because I see a lot of guys, myself included, who when they get married and get into a relationship, the first thing to go is their buddies.

00:19:16.060 They leave their buddies, they hang out with their woman or their girlfriend or fiance or spouse or whatever and the buddies are no longer there.

00:19:23.760 You have got to build a band of brothers.

00:19:26.100 You've got to do it now.

00:19:27.680 You've got to find guys to hang out with on a consistent and regular basis.

00:19:31.880 If you're not doing that, you are not energizing yourself.

00:19:36.040 A strong band of brothers is going to give you the much needed accountability, camaraderie, brotherhood, the laughs, the hobbies, the activities, the enjoyment, the energy that you need to then go into another relationship and be successful in that relationship.

00:19:53.860 And as I went through my separation with my wife, I had realized that I had forsaken all of my friends.

00:20:00.420 And guess what?

00:20:01.140 I was alone.

00:20:02.800 Nobody was around when I went through my separation, not because they weren't willing to do it, but because I had forsaken them long ago.

00:20:11.540 And I found myself alone every night without anything to do.

00:20:17.220 And so what did I do?

00:20:18.180 I thought about her and I thought about my son and it became this destructive loop in this pattern that I fell into.

00:20:25.340 And it wasn't until I started hanging out with some friends from work and getting exposed and meeting their circle and being in new hobbies and activities and finding guys that I could spend time with, that I can enjoy the company of, and that I could have some accountability in my life.

00:20:41.340 So you have to build a band of brothers.

00:20:43.320 If you're not going through a separation or a divorce, or there's no rocky challenges in your marriage right now, you need to build a band of brothers right now, because there might be some challenges at some point, but even outside of that, it's always good to have good friends who you can rely on support.

00:20:59.660 They will support you.

00:21:00.660 You will uplift them.

00:21:01.980 They will uplift you.

00:21:03.320 Give yourself some regular space every single week to spend time with a band of brothers.

00:21:08.120 So that's number three, building a band of brothers.

00:21:09.860 Number four, gentlemen, get your fitness in check.

00:21:13.980 When I went through my separation with my wife, I was probably 40 or 50 pounds heavier than I weigh today.

00:21:21.580 You have to get yourself in shape.

00:21:25.820 Yes, there's obvious physical benefits that come from being in shape, of course, but everything that's required to get into shape, discipline, dedication, commitment, consistency, sacrifice,

00:21:37.360 are the same set of skills that are required for success in any other facet of life, a relationship, a business, you name it, is all from the same set of skills that can be developed through building your fitness, getting your health in check.

00:21:53.900 And not to mention the physical benefits.

00:21:55.520 There's mental benefits of being in shape too.

00:21:57.920 Clarity, focus, drive, determination, all of those things will help you be a better man.

00:22:03.600 And guys, I have a lot of people who ask about how to build confidence.

00:22:07.100 The way that you build confidence is doing the things that are going to build confidence.

00:22:11.200 Being confident in your body because you just went out and you did an exercise and you lost 10, 20, 30, 50 pounds.

00:22:17.520 Those are the types of things that are going to build confidence.

00:22:20.120 And the more confidence you have, the more people, including your wife, will naturally be attracted to you.

00:22:26.280 So step number four, get your fitness in check.

00:22:29.640 And guys, by the way, if you do any amount of time searching in this podcast or searching on the website, you will find additional resources on any of these topics.

00:22:38.680 We've gone through all of them at length.

00:22:40.760 All right, number five, find a hobby.

00:22:43.300 You've got to find something that you enjoy participating in, that uplifts you, that engages you, that excites you, that you just find fun.

00:22:51.920 A couple of things that I do personally is I do some woodworking.

00:22:55.160 I've got a shop out in the backyard, so I'll go out there for an hour, two, three hours and just do some woodworking.

00:23:01.020 Another thing is bow hunting.

00:23:02.780 I just picked up bow hunting last year, been on a couple of successful hunts.

00:23:06.600 And so archery has been a hobby that I really, really enjoy.

00:23:09.920 And it gives me focus and clarity and all of the things that help me re-energize myself.

00:23:14.920 I just started running.

00:23:16.280 That's been advantageous and helpful for me.

00:23:18.680 Uh, I also do a little bit of a hatchet throwing, which is something that I've just started doing in the past three or four months.

00:23:25.760 And it's just nice just to go outside.

00:23:27.940 It's just me, my hatchet and the board.

00:23:29.980 And I'm just working on my throws, working on the form, working on positioning and aim and working on all of that stuff.

00:23:35.260 Same thing with archery and being able to have those types of hobbies has really been able to be a good outlet for me as things get challenging in the marriage and the relationship and the conversations.

00:23:44.160 And the stress of work and everything else that comes with being a man.

00:23:48.380 This is a way to get an outlet.

00:23:50.280 I also go shooting and guess what?

00:23:52.080 I have friends that do all of these things as well.

00:23:53.980 So I can go spend time with them with my band of brothers while I'm engaging in my hobby.

00:23:58.620 If you guys have a hobby, go to meetup.com and you'll find hundreds, if not thousands of other people who are interested in those same hobbies.

00:24:07.340 If you don't have a hobby, try everything.

00:24:09.900 Explore broadly.

00:24:11.020 You want to consider playing the guitar, go play the guitar.

00:24:13.840 You want to start painting, learn to paint.

00:24:16.000 You want to create a podcast, do that.

00:24:17.700 You want to throw hatchets or start bow hunting.

00:24:21.020 I mean, you name it.

00:24:21.820 The barrier to entry for any of these hobbies is so, so low and so, so small that you can take part in any hobby in a matter of just a few hours if you decide that you want to do it.

00:24:32.780 All right, number five, find a new hobby.

00:24:34.960 Number six, get your financial house in order.

00:24:38.020 I'm a financial advisor by trade.

00:24:39.600 I've been in the business for just over 10 years and I can tell you that money and finances, investments is a leading cause of anxiety, stress, arguments, and potentially even divorce inside of a marriage.

00:24:55.600 A lot of it comes back down to communication, but look, if you can get your financial house in order, you are going to be that much better off because you're not stressed about it.

00:25:04.380 I've been there.

00:25:05.040 I've been in situations where I did not know how I was going to make the mortgage payment.

00:25:09.240 And I'll tell you what, those environments, those situations did nothing, absolutely nothing to help my relationship.

00:25:16.960 All they did was compound the problem because I was stressed.

00:25:20.020 I was taking it out on her.

00:25:21.780 We didn't know how we were going to make the mortgage.

00:25:23.740 We had a small son at the time.

00:25:25.900 It was a real challenge.

00:25:27.820 So get your debt paid off.

00:25:30.340 Learn a new skill that you need to learn in order to secure a promotion at work.

00:25:33.960 Get a new job.

00:25:35.180 You've got time.

00:25:36.060 So start a business on the side.

00:25:38.560 Make a little extra money.

00:25:39.600 Get that debt paid down.

00:25:40.900 Invest a little bit.

00:25:42.300 Learn.

00:25:42.660 Take the time to read a book about how to invest and how to budget and how to pay off debt.

00:25:47.580 Those things are going to serve you well and they're going to reduce the level of stress that you have on your life and your marriage as well.

00:25:55.700 So number six, get your financial house in order.

00:25:57.840 And the last one I want to share with you guys, and of course, this isn't an exhaustive list, but the last one that I want to share for you today is that you need to challenge yourself.

00:26:05.800 All right.

00:26:06.840 If you've been married for five or 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 years, you're probably at a point where you just haven't challenged yourself.

00:26:16.800 And you've made the excuse that you don't have the time or the energy or you've got this obligation or that obligation.

00:26:23.700 But I'm telling you what, the more that you can challenge yourself, the more that you can push yourself outside of your comfort zone, the more that you can complete the things that you thought were previously impossible.

00:26:33.880 The more confidence that you're going to build in yourself, the more success that you're going to have because you're developing the skill set and the virtues and the confidence in order to succeed in other areas of life.

00:26:46.000 If you're not challenging yourself physically, mentally, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, then you are doing yourself a huge disservice.

00:26:54.960 If you want to fix yourself and in turn fix your marriage, you've got to find a way to continue to push.

00:27:00.600 It's so easy to fall into default mode, to be complacent and mediocre in life.

00:27:06.000 And that mediocrity will produce the exact same level of results that you're enjoying or not enjoying right now.

00:27:13.340 Push yourself, challenge yourself, do something that scares you, get outside of your comfort zone a little bit and see if that doesn't help you build your confidence.

00:27:21.720 Guys, again, I know this isn't an exhaustive list.

00:27:24.180 I know I could go on and on and on about all the things that you should do, but I'm telling you, if you take these seven suggestions to heart, you will fix yourself.

00:27:32.820 And again, I'm not here to tell you that if you fix yourself and you do these seven things and you do everything I talk about today, I'm not here to tell you that your marriage will magically be fixed.

00:27:42.660 The unfortunate reality is that maybe it's too late or maybe it's beyond repair.

00:27:48.280 But I will tell you that the likelihood of you salvaging the marriage that is damaged right now is significantly higher if you stop focusing on her so much, trying to manipulate her and coerce her and get her to change and win her over and instead turn all of that attention and that time and that energy around and focus it on yourself.

00:28:11.220 Engage yourself, engage your body, engage your mind.

00:28:15.940 The more you do this, the more likely it is that you'll be able to salvage that marriage.

00:28:19.420 And you know what?

00:28:20.120 If you don't, like I said 10 years ago, you will be the best catch, the absolute best catch for the next woman to come into your life. 0.99

00:28:29.420 And there will be a next woman if you learn to take care of yourself. 0.99

00:28:32.600 So let me recap these and then we'll call it a day.

00:28:34.800 Number one, focus your time and attention elsewhere.

00:28:36.860 Number two, expose yourself to new information, new inputs in the brain.

00:28:41.360 Number three, build a band of brothers.

00:28:43.720 Number four, get your fitness in check.

00:28:46.480 Number five, find a new hobby.

00:28:48.880 Number six, get your finances in order.

00:28:51.700 And number seven, challenge and push yourself and get outside of your comfort zone.

00:28:57.200 Guys, make sure you check out the blog.

00:28:59.160 Make sure you check out the other podcasts that we've done if you haven't listened to those things because I go into depth into each one of these areas.

00:29:05.760 And I know they have worked for me and I have confidence that those things will work for you as well.

00:29:11.180 So on that, I'll sign out.

00:29:12.600 If you are experiencing a separation or are or have gone through a divorce, I feel for you.

00:29:18.500 I know what it's like.

00:29:19.420 I've been there.

00:29:20.780 It's dark.

00:29:22.100 It's uncertain.

00:29:24.100 It's a little scary, frankly.

00:29:26.280 But you continue to focus on yourself.

00:29:28.580 And I know, I know that things will have a way of working themselves out one way or the other.

00:29:33.340 So, gentlemen, until next week, take action, focus on yourself, become the man you are meant to be.

00:29:40.400 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:29:43.360 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:29:50.520 We'll see you next week.

00:29:51.520 We'll see you next week.

Order of Man - June 29, 2018

FFN 114： Fixing Your Marriage by Fixing Yourself

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