Order of Man - Find Your Values, Validate Yourself, and Why You Hate Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 I think that's so crucial.

00:00:01.080 And I would say too, also, you know, with the verbiage about loving yourself,

00:00:04.180 again, I don't like that verbiage, but you can't fully validate yourself.

00:00:07.500 And I wrote a few things down here, if this,

00:00:09.540 and they seem like they may not be significant, but they are.

00:00:12.660 You cannot fully believe in yourself or validate yourself

00:00:15.300 if you hit the snooze button this morning.

00:00:17.720 You will think less of yourself today if you did that.

00:00:20.440 Maybe not drastically or catastrophically, but you'll feel less.

00:00:25.940 You're a man of action.

00:00:27.540 You live life to the fullest.

00:00:29.000 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:31.920 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:36.340 You are not easily deterred or defeated.

00:00:38.700 Rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:41.440 This is your life.

00:00:42.520 This is who you are.

00:00:43.940 This is who you will become.

00:00:45.660 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:48.700 you can call yourself a man.

00:00:54.220 Kip, I am running on a low battery today.

00:00:57.560 I just got back from the event in St. Louis, which was phenomenal.

00:01:00.960 But you've done events with us.

00:01:02.720 And when you pour into something like that, whether it's an event like we did,

00:01:08.080 or maybe it's a man who's giving his daughter away at a wedding

00:01:12.100 or some sort of business function,

00:01:14.760 we pour so much into those types of things,

00:01:17.440 and then you're just exhausted emotionally and mentally.

00:01:20.180 Not so much physically, but just mentally and emotionally exhausted at the end of it all.

00:01:26.260 Give us a recap.

00:01:27.220 How did it go?

00:01:28.760 Man, it was awesome.

00:01:29.740 So we did this one out in St. Louis.

00:01:31.200 A good friend of ours and Iron Council alumni, his name is Tony Erzy.

00:01:36.180 He's the CFO at Eagle Sky Camp, or Eagle Sky of the Ozarks,

00:01:39.920 I think is what it's officially called.

00:01:42.040 And Kip, I'm telling you what,

00:01:43.420 it's two hours and 15 minutes or so outside of St. Louis.

00:01:47.780 Yeah.

00:01:48.140 It is unbelievable.

00:01:49.620 It's a youth Christian camp is what it is.

00:01:52.880 And I didn't know how well it would cross over for grown men.

00:01:56.320 It crossed over perfectly.

00:01:59.040 And we roll into this thing.

00:02:00.780 And, I mean, just these, everything's so groomed,

00:02:06.400 and the attention to detail on their roads and their signage.

00:02:09.980 And they have a working ranch on 5,100 acres with bison and elk and fallow deer

00:02:15.600 and this weird African longhorn.

00:02:18.780 I can't remember what it's called.

00:02:20.420 And that's the first thing you see.

00:02:22.920 And then you get into these camps and these,

00:02:26.060 they're cabins and they're impeccable.

00:02:27.900 Everything is just well thought out and designed.

00:02:31.020 And they've got ropes courses and an obstacle course

00:02:34.560 and an island in the middle of the lake that they built to 10 times the size it was

00:02:39.280 when they bought the property and roads everywhere.

00:02:42.020 And a chow hall, a dinner hall. 0.67

00:02:46.060 Like the place is just unbelievable.

00:02:49.000 And it reinvigorated me because a lot of things actually went wrong with this event.

00:02:53.660 And I think that's one of the things that most people don't hear of.

00:02:57.900 When they're listening to a podcast like this or a movement,

00:03:01.020 when things go wrong, everybody wants to share how right it all went.

00:03:05.620 But man, we sold a quarter of the tickets that we thought we would.

00:03:10.280 We had three high-level keynote speakers back out.

00:03:14.600 We had two or three business partners not be part of the project.

00:03:19.380 It was rough, man.

00:03:20.600 And my sales were deflated, if I'm being honest.

00:03:25.520 And we got out there with the 50 guys who came.

00:03:29.020 And it was, I think, may have been the best event that we've ever done.

00:03:34.100 Really?

00:03:35.220 That's awesome.

00:03:35.720 It was, it was, it's the first event that we ever did that wasn't where I was currently

00:03:40.640 living, which had me nervous.

00:03:43.420 But they did a phenomenal job.

00:03:45.100 Chris Gatchko, our event coordinator, made sure everything was fine-tuned and honed and

00:03:49.200 everything came together.

00:03:50.780 The only downside of it was, is the last day we were doing Tug of War.

00:03:56.020 And it was a partnership between here at Order of Man and Larry Hagner with the Dad Edge.

00:04:00.680 And we were doing Tug of War with the teams.

00:04:03.340 And they said, let's do Dad Edge versus Iron Council guys.

00:04:06.680 I'm like, all right.

00:04:07.320 And it was pretty evenly matched.

00:04:09.380 And we, Order of Man dominated them on the first one.

00:04:13.540 And they said, hey, it's best two out of three.

00:04:15.760 So then we switched sides and they dominated us on the second one.

00:04:20.780 And then somebody said, hey, tiebreaker, Larry and Ryan, one-on-one, Tug of War. 0.98

00:04:26.180 Oh, that suck. 1.00

00:04:27.580 So I'm like, Larry's a strong guy. 0.98

00:04:30.400 He's fit.

00:04:31.120 He's been working out.

00:04:32.020 I'm like, Larry's going to beat me on this for sure.

00:04:34.680 Yeah.

00:04:36.220 And three, two, one, go.

00:04:38.640 We start pulling.

00:04:40.480 And I kind of like slipped a little. 0.92

00:04:42.580 I saw him slip and he kind of went down to his butt, but he got back up. 0.72

00:04:45.360 And while he was slipping, I was pulling. 0.85

00:04:46.700 And then I kind of turned a little bit.

00:04:48.040 And I heard, I don't know if it was the rope dropping or like I heard and felt a little bit of pop.

00:04:55.800 Oh, no.

00:04:57.360 And I kind of almost fell to the ground because the rope went slack.

00:05:00.740 So like pulled it and kind of fell to the ground.

00:05:02.380 And I got back up and I looked over and Larry was wincing on the ground.

00:05:07.620 Oh, did he get hurt?

00:05:09.220 He got hurt.

00:05:10.220 Dude, this is the last day, the last physical event.

00:05:17.140 And he thinks he's got to go in for some more scans and MRIs.

00:05:21.100 But he thinks that maybe he tore his ACL.

00:05:25.020 His ACL.

00:05:27.060 Yeah.

00:05:27.800 So that was fun.

00:05:30.840 So order a man won the tug of war.

00:05:33.160 You broke his, you tore his ACL.

00:05:38.340 I was just trying to break his spirit, not his knee.

00:05:41.460 But, you know, no, Larry's tough.

00:05:44.560 He'll make a good comeback.

00:05:45.860 I felt horrible about it.

00:05:47.060 Of course, it wasn't anybody's fault.

00:05:49.340 It just, things like that happened.

00:05:51.860 And it was really cool because we had a couple of guys who were firefighters and EMT certified come in.

00:05:57.460 And that were at the event as participants come in, do their thing.

00:06:02.040 They knew what was going on immediately, got him stabilized.

00:06:05.840 We got him taken care of, got him home.

00:06:07.500 Fortunately, he doesn't live too far from the venue.

00:06:10.160 And I think he's resting yesterday and today.

00:06:13.360 But other than that, everything went off without a hitch.

00:06:17.860 So next year is going to be even better.

00:06:19.200 We're going to let you guys know because we're going to do,

00:06:21.000 I want to do four to five to ten times the amount of guys there.

00:06:24.520 We've got the venue and the space to do it.

00:06:26.440 We've got the capacity to do it.

00:06:28.160 I love it, man.

00:06:29.320 Yeah.

00:06:29.620 Cool.

00:06:30.080 Should we get into questions or any particular, any other headlines other than just to recap on the event?

00:06:35.140 No, no headlines today.

00:06:36.360 So there's always something going on.

00:06:38.280 But I think we've addressed a lot of that.

00:06:39.820 And if something comes up, we'll talk about it.

00:06:41.320 But, yeah, let's just jump right into questions.

00:06:43.360 All right.

00:06:43.640 Sounds great.

00:06:44.220 Josh Wellman.

00:06:45.980 My five and six-year-old boys are about the same size.

00:06:49.840 The younger one is extremely tough and a bit of a bruiser,

00:06:53.020 never backs down from a physical altercation.

00:06:55.480 When they argue, as brothers often do, it usually ends up in hitting and eventual crying.

00:07:02.240 When I was young, my parents' solution was to let the brothers hash it out.

00:07:06.200 But he was a lot older than me.

00:07:10.100 And that just ended up in me getting dominated until I was in high school.

00:07:13.960 Question, besides getting him into jiu-jitsu, which I intend to this fall,

00:07:19.120 how would you address this with the boys at this age?

00:07:23.520 When do I need to let them hash it out?

00:07:25.360 Or when and how do I need to intervene?

00:07:27.880 Josh I actually like the hash it out method.

00:07:31.700 I think kids need to learn to use their words.

00:07:35.300 Obviously, boys become more physical than girls do, I think, generally.

00:07:39.560 But there is a hierarchy in life.

00:07:42.160 And some people are bigger than you.

00:07:43.620 And some people have more money than you.

00:07:45.560 And some people have more influence or power than you.

00:07:47.920 And that is just the reality of life.

00:07:52.780 I think there needs to probably be some parameters established.

00:07:56.620 And where I would begin to intervene is where it is no longer productive towards the desired outcome.

00:08:02.980 And the desired outcome is for them to learn how to do conflict resolution.

00:08:06.840 Yeah.

00:08:07.280 And it might get physical because it does sometimes with boys.

00:08:10.660 And maybe the younger one realizes, or the older one, if they're about the same size, realizes,

00:08:16.660 hey, I might need to shut my mouth sometimes because he might punch me in the nose if I don't.

00:08:21.280 And I actually don't think that's entirely bad.

00:08:25.480 Obviously, we live in a civilized society where you can't just go running around punching people in the face

00:08:30.040 if they say something that you disagree with.

00:08:31.980 But as brothers, I think it's fine.

00:08:35.240 I really do.

00:08:35.860 Now, if one of them is under risk of getting hurt or injured or it's no longer about the fight itself

00:08:44.360 and it's getting nasty, I'd jump in.

00:08:46.940 But at the end of the day, when that fight or argument or debate or tussle is settled,

00:08:53.040 then you AAR it.

00:08:54.540 And if you don't know what an AAR is, it's an after-action review.

00:08:57.300 So you sit down with your two boys and you're like, all right, guys.

00:09:00.100 You hashed it out.

00:09:01.080 You had it out.

00:09:02.320 You threw some fists.

00:09:03.500 You got a bloody nose.

00:09:04.480 You got a scraped knuckle. 0.86

00:09:06.280 Now let's sit down.

00:09:07.300 Can we talk about this?

00:09:09.340 And then you fill in the blanks.

00:09:11.680 And you start telling them why we need to respect each other, how we respect each other,

00:09:17.180 how we settle issues, why this is important, why that's important, learning to forgive,

00:09:21.380 learning to overcome, moving forward.

00:09:23.280 It's like you're going to be in the house for the next 18 years together.

00:09:26.240 So we got to figure this stuff out.

00:09:28.640 But I think the AAR is what a lot of parents will miss, especially old school parenting says hash it out.

00:09:35.360 And then they stop arguing.

00:09:36.560 You're like, oh, it's done.

00:09:37.740 It's done.

00:09:38.360 It's resolved.

00:09:39.000 It's not resolved.

00:09:39.840 There's so much more there that you can step in with and help them figure out.

00:09:44.440 And also, to your point about jujitsu, if they do jujitsu and somebody comes at them and one of the kids takes their back and chokes them out, there's a lesson to be learned.

00:09:55.460 Like, hey, there's consequences for running your mouth.

00:09:58.680 And I don't think that's an entirely bad thing.

00:10:02.460 Yeah.

00:10:03.020 I think the one thing that comes to mind during that AAR is I would really focus on helping them understand the what was said versus their interpretation and double down on what they made it mean.

00:10:17.060 That's where most arguments and hurt is created, is in the interpretation of the circumstance or what was said or what was done.

00:10:28.380 And the sooner our kids understand that, the more mentally and emotionally resilient and strong they will be.

00:10:35.620 But if it's always like, well, he said this and he hurt.

00:10:39.200 No, no, no.

00:10:39.800 Right.

00:10:40.020 You got to own what's within your locus of control and realize what's outside of your control.

00:10:45.140 You can't control what people say, but you can't control how you react, right, or what you make it mean.

00:10:50.960 So I'd really double down in that conversation.

00:10:53.920 The more they learn that, the more, right, out in the real world at school and other circumstances, they won't be a victim of what is said and done around them constantly.

00:11:04.920 I think that's a really good point.

00:11:06.500 Maybe even to get tactical on that, it might be, hey, boys, what are you upset about?

00:11:10.660 And your youngest might say, well, he said this to me.

00:11:13.180 And then you ask a follow-up question.

00:11:15.600 And how did that make you feel?

00:11:17.320 What did you think about that?

00:11:18.840 What was he telling you?

00:11:20.080 What was the story that he was telling you? 1.00

00:11:21.940 Well, he was just trying to be mean and a jerk and blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:11:24.960 And then you're like, okay, got it, noted. 0.99

00:11:27.820 Older son, hey, what did you say or do?

00:11:30.240 And then he tells you, and what did you mean by that?

00:11:33.040 And he might say, well, I wasn't trying to be mean.

00:11:34.840 I was just trying to, I wanted to play with that toy.

00:11:37.420 And he was trying to take it.

00:11:38.580 And that's not his toy to play with.

00:11:39.900 It's like, okay, see how we have the same scenario?

00:11:43.880 And both of us are looking at it from a different perspective.

00:11:47.080 And by the way, when you're four and six-year-old, we laugh at it because we think it's funny.

00:11:52.960 But we do it at 44 years old, too, where I might do something that impacts somebody either in a negative or positive way.

00:12:02.540 And it's because of how they interpret it when I could have meant something completely different.

00:12:06.940 I may not have meant to slight somebody or hurt somebody or for it to come out that way. 1.00

00:12:13.160 But we're all dumb. 1.00

00:12:14.300 We're all dense. 1.00

00:12:14.980 We say dumb things. 0.98

00:12:15.780 We do dumb things in moments of, I don't know, emotional frustration or just irritability. 0.74

00:12:22.100 A person takes it out of context.

00:12:24.340 And then all of a sudden, now you have this conflict that maybe didn't really need to exist.

00:12:29.640 And so there's a level of grace on both parties where it's, hey, you know what?

00:12:34.040 I did say that in a bad way.

00:12:35.340 I'm sorry.

00:12:35.900 I didn't mean it that way.

00:12:37.060 But I am sorry.

00:12:37.820 And I can see why that was the wrong thing to do.

00:12:40.020 And then the other party, there's some grace in that, hey, I know you're not trying to hurt me or I know you're not trying to do that thing.

00:12:47.700 But it still hurts.

00:12:49.380 And so I can see that.

00:12:50.540 And then you come to some sort of resolution on it.

00:12:52.800 Yep.

00:12:53.420 Next question from Bob Ross.

00:12:55.080 Bob, I'm going to just jump right to the question here, which is any tips, tricks or ideas on how to leave the stress at work and not bring it home?

00:13:03.880 Such a common question.

00:13:05.200 We get this a lot, actually.

00:13:06.460 And I would argue a major issue for most guys, right?

00:13:11.400 Bring in the stresses of work home.

00:13:14.040 Yeah.

00:13:15.000 Mine's hard because my work is at home.

00:13:17.180 And the other thing that makes it so difficult is this dang device that we have in our pocket all the time.

00:13:22.040 The cell phone.

00:13:22.540 Work is always with you because of that.

00:13:24.240 It's always with you.

00:13:25.520 So I would say the first thing you need to do is create rules around primarily this device and emails and computer technology, usually,

00:13:32.780 where you just, you say to yourself, hey, when I get home, I'm not on the device at all.

00:13:39.440 Maybe that's one of your rules.

00:13:40.920 Or I'm not going to be on this until after the kids go to bed.

00:13:44.420 And then I'm going to spend 20 minutes checking social media or checking emails.

00:13:48.240 That might be acceptable.

00:13:49.320 For me, I don't check my emails after a certain time because I know if I check emails, I'm not going to do anything about the emails at night, at 9 or 10 o'clock at night.

00:14:02.300 But it'll just bother me.

00:14:04.100 And I won't be able to sleep as well.

00:14:05.540 So I don't even check emails because I don't want to be inundated with and bombarded with messages or complaints or bills that I needed to pay or anything else that you might get via email.

00:14:18.780 But then there's also what I would call a cooling down period.

00:14:22.280 And I think this is where a lot of guys get it wrong.

00:14:25.140 When I was younger, I would go out and I would do my financial planning practice stuff.

00:14:30.180 And then I would drive home, which was about a half an hour drive, and I would listen to Sean Hannity or Mark Levin.

00:14:38.320 And I'd get home and my ex-wife, she's like, oh, you listened to Hannity on the way home, didn't you? 1.00

00:14:43.360 I'm like, yeah, why?

00:14:44.180 She's like, you're agitated.

00:14:48.640 And I never really gave myself any transitionary time between tasks.

00:14:54.940 And I think that's important.

00:14:56.120 You know, when one of my kids who plays sports, primarily in high school, you know, I watch my oldest play lacrosse.

00:15:02.980 He goes to the field early.

00:15:05.560 He gets his warm-up shots.

00:15:06.920 They've got this big speaker where they, you know, listen to music to get them hyped up because they understand the importance of environment to create a desired outcome.

00:15:17.360 When I go to the gym, I put on particular music or when I go for a run, I put on particular music because it's conducive to the result that I desire.

00:15:28.660 But we don't often think about that when we're transitioning from work to home.

00:15:32.120 And so we'll get done with work and then we'll put on a podcast that bothers us or we'll listen to a self.

00:15:37.540 This is a lot that I did.

00:15:38.900 Listen to another self-help type book.

00:15:41.220 And then I have to go home and I'm all fired up on this self-help stuff and I have to go home and jump on the trampoline.

00:15:47.380 I'm like, I don't want to do that.

00:15:48.180 I want to build a funnel.

00:15:50.020 I want to sell my products.

00:15:52.440 And I never created any transitionary time.

00:15:54.720 The best decision I ever made is when I got done with work, I would drive home in silence and I would start prepping for what was to come.

00:16:06.340 What am I going to say when I walk in the door?

00:16:09.220 What is dinner going to look like tonight?

00:16:11.840 When we're sitting around the table and talking with our kids, what are the conversations that are going to be had?

00:16:17.100 If tonight could go perfectly with my family and I, what is that going to look like?

00:16:20.760 If there's sports that I need to get involved with or go to practice or games and we've got multiple kids doing multiple sports, who's going where, when, what, how, why, whatever.

00:16:31.460 When we put them to bed, what stories are we reading them?

00:16:33.720 And I would really get into this mindset of being a good father when I was there.

00:16:39.780 And I'm not here to tell you I'm perfect at that.

00:16:42.920 But when I do that, everything else goes better and I'm able to leave the rest at the door.

00:16:48.840 So I think if you combine healthy boundaries around what tends to creep or seep into your family life, in addition to some intentionality with some of that transitionary time.

00:17:00.900 I had a guy that he would literally, he would get home and he would literally hang, there was a big tree branch just a little bit higher than him.

00:17:08.160 And he would grab the tree branch and he would hang for about 30 seconds to a minute off that tree branch before he walked in.

00:17:13.520 And I asked him why he did that.

00:17:14.360 He says, I want to hang my problems at the door.

00:17:17.580 And that was just a mental cue, a little, a little heuristic where he could do that and go inside.

00:17:22.260 And he was completely free because he made the choice to be free of whatever career burdens that he was dealing with throughout the day.

00:17:29.820 Totally.

00:17:30.180 And I love what the, one of the phrases you said is intentionality.

00:17:35.360 And, and sometimes we might need to enlist people in that intentionality, Bob.

00:17:40.700 So if, you know, set the, set the tone and the expectation with the wife, with the kids or whatever of how you want it to go.

00:17:48.480 And, and if there's some exceptions, I got to work tonight.

00:17:52.380 Don't just go home and just integrate that.

00:17:56.040 Like set the tone, like, Hey, honey, heads up.

00:17:59.220 I got a long night coming.

00:18:01.500 So this is how it's going to look like, obviously make sure it's an exception to the rule, but that will help.

00:18:07.220 It will absolutely help.

00:18:08.340 And I don't know about you, Ryan, but I have a couple of kids that there's a night and day difference when you drop something on them versus when you give them a heads up.

00:18:17.480 They handle the world a hundred percent better if I kind of give them a heads up and give them time to process and, and get ready for it.

00:18:25.680 Right.

00:18:26.220 And so just kind of keep that in mind.

00:18:28.000 Cause that might help in, in some cases.

00:18:30.900 I mean, that happens to me quite often.

00:18:32.760 You know, we might have an open enrollment for iron council and our preview calls are typically at 8 PM Eastern, which is 6, 6 PM.

00:18:39.560 My time.

00:18:40.620 If the kids are here, I mean, that's prime time sports.

00:18:43.860 That's prime time dinner time and that I've got a business call.

00:18:47.400 And when those come up, I do that exactly.

00:18:49.580 Hey guys, I'm going to be on my call for the next 50 minutes.

00:18:53.120 Here's what you can do in the meantime.

00:18:54.680 The food is ready.

00:18:55.600 So go ahead and serve yourself.

00:18:57.020 You guys can watch a movie.

00:18:58.540 You can, you know, do whatever you need to do, but I'm not available for the next hour.

00:19:03.220 But here's the other kicker.

00:19:05.440 When it's done, here's what we're going to do.

00:19:08.580 Yeah.

00:19:09.020 And that gives them a little bit of optimism and something to look forward.

00:19:11.440 But the real challenge is now you committed to that.

00:19:14.580 So you actually have to do it because the temptation is you get on a work call, for example, and all of a sudden you're right in front of your emails again and the work call is done.

00:19:22.700 It took an hour and now you're doing emails for the next half hour.

00:19:26.080 Not acceptable.

00:19:26.980 You told them, hey, when I'm done, we'll go out and play basketball or we'll go to the park or we'll go for a hike or we'll wrestle with a dog or we'll jump on the trampoline.

00:19:35.140 And that's what you obligated to do for yourself and them.

00:19:39.020 So make sure you get that done.

00:19:40.260 Well, and we could rat hole on the consequences of that and you not honoring a word and the erosion of trust.

00:19:45.600 I mean, that's much bigger than just, well, I just had some things come up.

00:19:49.580 It's big.

00:19:50.860 So anyone that just heard that and they're like, oh, yeah, that happens sometimes.

00:19:54.020 It's not a big deal.

00:19:54.920 It's absolutely a big deal.

00:19:57.180 If you say you're going to do something, especially with your kids, you got to do it.

00:20:01.380 And you can't have a great reason for not doing it.

00:20:05.560 That's not good enough.

00:20:06.880 It's not.

00:20:07.540 Sorry.

00:20:08.240 Do you want to hear how important this is based on something that I perceived as a silly request from my daughter?

00:20:16.800 She was, this will underscore exactly what I'm talking about.

00:20:20.660 The other day she was mad about something.

00:20:23.160 She was frustrated because her hair wasn't done before her soccer game.

00:20:26.220 And I said, and I said, well, let me learn.

00:20:30.740 I don't know how to do girls' hair. 1.00

00:20:32.040 I'm like, let me, I'm going to learn how to do your hair so I can help you with it.

00:20:36.160 And she looked me straight in the eye and she says, yeah, right, dad.

00:20:41.320 And I said, what do you mean?

00:20:42.900 Yeah, right.

00:20:43.420 Like I can't figure it out.

00:20:44.820 And she's like, no, I think you can.

00:20:46.720 I just don't think you care.

00:20:50.020 And I said, what, what, why do you say that?

00:20:53.440 And she's like, because you've told me that a dozen times and you've never looked at YouTube, you've never figured it out, and you've never done my hair.

00:21:02.860 So I don't believe you.

00:21:06.560 That hurt.

00:21:08.220 And it's seemingly a silly, non-important thing, but it was important to her.

00:21:12.920 And, man, doing her hair, I don't, I don't, that doesn't sound that enjoyable to me, but it's a commitment that I made that I dropped the ball according to her, and her perception is her reality, at least a dozen times.

00:21:26.120 And now she doesn't believe me.

00:21:27.960 And what else will she not believe me about?

00:21:32.740 It's crucial.

00:21:34.040 Yep, absolutely.

00:21:34.880 I got work to do as well.

00:21:35.840 You know, Bob's question is great, and I know Bob's intent was around coming home, but I think there's a bigger, bigger conversation here around just intentionality around whatever it is that we're doing.

00:21:48.520 And I bet there's a correlation between guys who bring work home to the guys that weren't 100% at work and that were probably distracted at work and, you know, was playing on social media at work.

00:22:06.000 And now they're, like, juggling trying to get the things done that they meant to get done at work now that they're home.

00:22:12.820 And we talk about this, you know, the power of us starting on Mondays and being super intentional.

00:22:17.640 It's like, man, so I would, you know, I would challenge everybody to think this might be a bigger thing than just hanging up work when you transition home.

00:22:28.360 It's also about how was work?

00:22:30.880 How productive were you at work?

00:22:32.420 Did you kill it at work?

00:22:33.600 It makes a hell of a lot easier to hang work up when I did work really well.

00:22:38.800 Yeah.

00:22:39.280 And it makes a lot easier to enter home and go back to work when you were at home in a very intentional way.

00:22:47.640 And so a lot of this is just about the intentionality of whatever it is that we're doing and getting past this idea that I can multitask, that I can play with my kids and play on my phone at the same time, and it's all good.

00:23:01.320 I mean, it is so, I mean, I don't know.

00:23:04.960 We could probably reference so many materials around multitasking not being an effective way to do anything and the importance of being present.

00:23:13.780 Right.

00:23:14.220 Yeah, for sure.

00:23:15.660 Cool.

00:23:16.180 Okay, what's next?

00:23:17.200 All right.

00:23:17.760 Scott Brookins, he makes a massive assumption here that you're an alpha.

00:23:23.200 But regardless, his question, do you ever get tired of being an alpha?

00:23:27.480 Does the pressure of everyone in your circle looking to you as a leader ever weigh on you?

00:23:33.240 Yes, of course.

00:23:38.260 Of course, I'm an alpha.

00:23:39.800 I don't know about the rest of it.

00:23:44.160 No, I'm not.

00:23:45.100 I would never use that phrase.

00:23:47.920 And even if I did, I would never, I don't think I'd fall into that category.

00:23:51.700 Because I know myself personally, and I don't feel that way.

00:23:56.900 But yeah, the pressure of performance, the pressure of leading, the pressure of being a man is hard.

00:24:05.540 It's really hard.

00:24:06.720 You know, you got to get people to follow you.

00:24:08.640 You want to be influential.

00:24:10.200 You have to work on yourself.

00:24:11.840 You have to cast vision.

00:24:13.340 You have to keep people on track.

00:24:14.960 You have to administer accountability, oftentimes discipline.

00:24:17.900 And it can be really, really heavy.

00:24:21.380 And in addition to that, we have a culture that does not promote men's health.

00:24:27.720 It promotes men's isolation. 0.99

00:24:30.420 It promotes disconnectedness.

00:24:33.140 It promotes stuffing the way that we feel about things into a jar and never to discuss ever again.

00:24:40.820 And it becomes hard.

00:24:43.480 And also, that's your job, man.

00:24:47.900 You are a man.

00:24:49.480 And that is the burden, but also the beautiful blessing of what it means to be a man,

00:24:53.240 is that you have an opportunity to grow and learn and step up and get better.

00:24:58.300 But what's really important is because we know that the pressures exist, and they always do, and nobody cares.

00:25:07.640 I should say it, nobody cares to the degree that you would like them to.

00:25:11.940 Yeah.

00:25:12.880 Okay.

00:25:13.100 Your wife cares about the pressure, but she also cares more.

00:25:17.460 And I'm not trying to slight women by any means.

00:25:19.640 She cares more about you getting it done.

00:25:23.260 Your kids love you, and they care when you're having a hard time,

00:25:26.760 but they also care about making sure that you're hanging out with them and joking and laughing and making them food and putting a roof over their head.

00:25:34.920 Your friends care about you, and they want you to win, and they'll get on the phone when you're having a bad day or a hard time.

00:25:41.260 But at the end of the day, they also have their own stuff that they're dealing with, families and careers and struggles,

00:25:47.600 and they can't pour into you the way that you might want them to.

00:25:52.640 So you really need to look at this as a multifaceted approach.

00:25:56.280 You need to be able to validate yourself.

00:26:00.600 And this is something that I really am realizing recently, that I need to learn to validate myself where I don't need the opinions or the accolades or praise or even attention of other people.

00:26:13.500 So that when we're facing these hard times, I can turn inward and muster up the courage and the strength and the fortitude to drive on.

00:26:22.600 I also think that you can get a lot of that from having a spiritual belief, a belief in God, a belief in a higher power,

00:26:31.180 a belief in certain values that are going to drive and propel you forward.

00:26:35.720 And then in addition to your own internal belief system and a higher power, then you need to look externally.

00:26:42.280 Who are your friends?

00:26:43.500 How many guys, Kip, have you seen?

00:26:45.220 Probably close personal friends who have gone through divorces.

00:26:48.020 And when they go through a divorce, maybe this was even you.

00:26:50.660 It was for me.

00:26:51.420 We pop our heads up and we realize, I don't have anybody around me.

00:26:57.080 I was in this marriage and I was trying to serve this woman.

00:27:01.120 I was trying to serve these kids.

00:27:02.480 I was trying to do the work and provide a financial stability for my family.

00:27:06.880 And I look up because of this devastating news.

00:27:08.980 And you look around and you're like, where's all my friends?

00:27:11.960 Where's all my hobbies?

00:27:13.840 Where's all my interests and activities and the things that edify and uplift me?

00:27:17.400 You let all of those go on the altar of this family, typically.

00:27:21.540 And then you lose it and you lost everything because that was everything.

00:27:26.160 That was literally everything.

00:27:27.760 Yeah.

00:27:28.220 Yeah.

00:27:28.820 So make sure you're looking for the internal growth, the higher power growth, and the external

00:27:34.740 growth by always, even when things are good, engaging in hobbies and interests and pursuits

00:27:40.100 or career aspirations and finding really good men in your corner, I think your wife should 0.87

00:27:46.960 be a very supportive person for you.

00:27:50.020 I don't think you should share everything, but I don't think you should ask her to support

00:27:56.280 you the way that maybe another brother ought to do that.

00:27:59.140 But in the absence of having a good male friend, you put it on her shoulders and she's not designed

00:28:05.980 to deal with it the way that men are.

00:28:09.080 It's not bad.

00:28:10.300 It's just a different way of approaching life.

00:28:13.580 Yeah.

00:28:14.020 You know, it's interesting.

00:28:15.200 I don't, what's the language that you use, Ryan, for like self-confidence?

00:28:19.940 You didn't use that term.

00:28:21.260 You use something else.

00:28:22.200 Just that self-validation, I think.

00:28:24.080 I think I said self-validation to be able to know that you're enough, that you're doing

00:28:30.980 good work, that you can, you can love.

00:28:34.360 I am a little hesitant on the love yourself, love yourself verbiage.

00:28:38.000 It's not my favorite verbiage because it becomes a little self-centered, but you can

00:28:42.860 care enough about yourself to take care of yourself.

00:28:45.740 Totally.

00:28:46.480 And I wanted to call that out because I want to make this distinction.

00:28:52.140 If you don't, then when you lead, you won't be leading people with the right intention.

00:29:01.120 So if, if I lack the self-validation, the self-confidence, now when I'm leading, my ego comes into leading.

00:29:10.860 And now I use the leading as a form of validation, which serves me and maybe not those that I'm

00:29:19.620 leading.

00:29:19.900 So a lot of this is, you know, obviously we want to be somewhat independent and, and have

00:29:26.300 some self-confidence, right?

00:29:27.900 But it's so we can serve those better because otherwise it will trickle in to being a father,

00:29:35.640 it'll trickle into being a husband and a community leader and whatnot.

00:29:38.820 And you will undermine how you will be serving other people because it will be more about

00:29:45.280 your ego than it will really be about the intent, um, of, of serving those, uh, those other

00:29:52.740 individuals.

00:29:53.300 Does that make sense?

00:29:54.640 Yeah, absolutely.

00:29:56.100 Yeah.

00:29:56.580 I think that's so crucial.

00:29:57.780 And I would say too, also, you know, with the verbiage about loving yourself, again, I

00:30:01.380 don't like that verbiage, but you can't fully validate yourself.

00:30:04.220 And I wrote a few things down here, if this, and they seem like they may not be significant,

00:30:08.440 but they are, you cannot fully believe in yourself or validate yourself.

00:30:12.160 If you hit the snooze button this morning, you will think less of yourself today.

00:30:17.900 If you did that, maybe not drastically or catastrophically, but you'll feel less.

00:30:23.300 You can't validate yourself.

00:30:24.660 If you didn't work out this morning, if you said you're going to go work out, if you ate

00:30:28.380 disgusting food that makes you feel like a slob, if you ingested poison, drugs or alcohol,

00:30:33.540 if you didn't make all your sales calls, if you didn't check in on your wife or your 1.00

00:30:38.980 kids today, if you can't see your dick because you're a hundred pounds overweight, you know, 0.98

00:30:44.400 every time you look down, like these are all things that you're not going to be able to 0.99

00:30:49.160 validate yourself.

00:30:50.440 But you know, the opposite is also true.

00:30:53.260 If you, this morning your alarm went off at 6am and you got right up, you're going to

00:30:57.880 love yourself a little bit more.

00:30:59.660 If you went and did that workout that you said you were going to do, even if it wasn't the

00:31:03.140 best workout that ever could have been, you're going to love yourself a little bit more.

00:31:06.760 If instead of eating that gross burger or whatever you were going to have in fries at

00:31:10.560 Burger King, you went to the grocery store and you got yourself a chicken salad or a piece

00:31:15.160 of chicken and some, some vegetables to go with it.

00:31:17.920 If you resisted the temptation to drink or to subdue yourself in some way, if you hit all

00:31:24.360 of your sales calls today, if you look in the mirror and you notice that you're down two

00:31:28.360 to three pounds and you're starting to lean out or there's certain lines that you see

00:31:31.340 that you haven't seen before, those are all so controllable by yourself.

00:31:37.320 And what you need to do is just create a thousand micro wins per day so that when somebody else 1.00

00:31:44.240 says you're an asshole or you're a piece of shit or they're mad at you or your boss is 1.00

00:31:49.840 unhappy with how you did on the sales call or your wife's upset because you guys argued last 1.00

00:31:56.040 night or your kids are irritable because they're dealing with something at school, you're unfazed.

00:32:02.640 Yeah.

00:32:02.960 You're like, it's okay guys, you can have bad days because you know what?

00:32:06.260 Dad's here and I had a dang good day today and I don't need you to tell me I'm a good

00:32:10.840 person because I know I am.

00:32:12.660 Look at my track record today. 1.00

00:32:14.340 And the flip side of this, Ryan, is I skip my workout, I'm overweight, I eat like shit, 0.99

00:32:20.620 I'm out of integrity at work and then what do I do? 0.99

00:32:23.620 Oh, I need validation.

00:32:24.660 And when the wife doesn't show up the way you would want her to show up, then it's her 0.99

00:32:30.400 fault.

00:32:31.320 And then you start allocating blame around all these things outside of your control that

00:32:36.960 is dictating the quality of your life.

00:32:40.160 And now who's in control?

00:32:41.980 Not me, it's everybody else around me.

00:32:45.760 And they don't see my value, they don't appreciate me, woe is me, woe is me.

00:32:50.420 And it's a perpetual negative downward spiral of control that you've given over to someone

00:32:58.200 else.

00:32:59.160 When in reality, all that you had to do really to get on a positive path is start executing

00:33:04.520 on the things that you can control.

00:33:06.320 Well, and it's not just trying to, trying to, it's not about just giving control to somebody

00:33:13.120 else.

00:33:13.500 I've noticed for me personally, in a lot of ways, it's about controlling other people.

00:33:19.900 Yeah.

00:33:20.480 Well, because you're not taking accountability, so you need them to do it.

00:33:24.340 So now you manipulate everybody else.

00:33:25.920 So I need to be validated because I know I didn't do what I should have done.

00:33:32.120 So now I need to call you, Kip, and say, hey, Kip, like, and I'm fishing for compliments

00:33:38.380 and I'm fishing for, you know, you making me feel good because I know, but you know what

00:33:43.280 I can do?

00:33:43.800 I can trick you.

00:33:45.520 Yeah.

00:33:46.040 I can leave out part of the story.

00:33:48.160 I can tell, and I, I, I've done this and I've done this recently where you tell a little

00:33:53.920 white lie, not with the intent to hurt somebody, but you tell a lie.

00:33:58.000 But to manage their expectations or their opinions.

00:33:59.920 To manipulate them.

00:34:00.960 It's not, let's, let's call it what it is.

00:34:03.020 Let's not say manage expectations.

00:34:05.500 Yeah.

00:34:06.280 Let's, let's call it what it is to manipulate, to get them to think differently about you

00:34:12.160 or to shelter them from their own emotions.

00:34:16.660 Yeah.

00:34:17.100 And you do that because you're so concerned.

00:34:20.180 I do that because I'm so concerned with the other way that people might perceive me because

00:34:25.320 maybe I recognize my own inadequacies.

00:34:29.100 Yeah.

00:34:29.880 And, and when you shore those up and you work towards those, I don't need to control or manage

00:34:34.980 your emotions.

00:34:35.500 You can be mad.

00:34:36.800 You can be glad.

00:34:37.600 You can be happy.

00:34:38.240 You can be sad.

00:34:38.780 And regardless of what spectrum of the emotional aisle you're on, it doesn't impact me as much

00:34:45.960 because I'm already full.

00:34:48.460 These are things that I'm, I've been pondering actually the last week or so.

00:34:52.920 And it's been pretty enlightening to consider this stuff and what I do and how I fall short

00:34:58.480 in that.

00:34:59.240 Totally.

00:34:59.400 And, and there's some easy red flags to look for.

00:35:03.020 So if, if someone's listening to us and they're like, ah, you know, this is not really applicable

00:35:06.880 to me.

00:35:07.380 Here's the, here's your red flags saying that they probably are.

00:35:10.820 Is there areas of your life that you're waiting and hoping for someone else to do something

00:35:16.820 for the circumstance to get better?

00:35:19.800 You're making excuses for you not doing or doing something and you're allocating blame.

00:35:28.200 If you are doing one of those three things, the probability is that you're not stepping

00:35:34.300 into a position of ownership of your life.

00:35:37.200 There's one more that I, I mean, there's probably a lot more, but there's one more that came

00:35:44.100 to mind.

00:35:44.860 If you're crafting your word or your messages based on the response of other people.

00:35:52.260 Yeah.

00:35:53.220 So for example, you need to have this deep conversation with your wife about some financial irresponsibility,

00:36:02.180 let's say.

00:36:02.660 Maybe you made a bad purchase or you had more debt than you thought you did and you didn't

00:36:07.300 really, you weren't forthright.

00:36:08.740 So you need to have that discussion with her, but you spend all day thinking about, hmm, what

00:36:14.560 should I say?

00:36:15.540 How should I craft this?

00:36:17.620 How do I, yeah.

00:36:18.260 How do I work the angles?

00:36:19.760 Maybe I can say it's not so much debt as it really is because you're worried about her

00:36:25.600 reaction instead of worrying about your own indiscretion.

00:36:29.880 And I'm not saying we shouldn't be aware of the way we communicate messages because then 1.00

00:36:35.980 that's just stupid.

00:36:38.460 But for me, I need to focus on if I'm omitting information or distorting or tweaking a little 0.98

00:36:45.180 bit based on what I think somebody else might think or say, that's my problem.

00:36:51.040 Yeah.

00:36:51.600 And that's something I can work on.

00:36:53.460 Yeah.

00:36:53.980 I love that, man.

00:36:54.820 I, and this shows up, by the way, this shows up in the workplace, like all the time you'll

00:37:01.420 get leaders that will be like, oh, you know, what's managed, uh, what's managed their opinions

00:37:05.820 and expectations and blah, blah, blah.

00:37:06.960 It's like, mark my word.

00:37:09.320 It doesn't matter how well you craft it. 0.99

00:37:12.080 If you're doing that, it won't pass the bullshit test. 0.97

00:37:15.980 Anybody will read the thing, they email whatever, and they all go, yeah, whatever. 0.99

00:37:21.480 Right.

00:37:21.900 Like there's more to this story.

00:37:23.580 They're omitting information.

00:37:24.900 And then you have a choice.

00:37:27.160 Okay.

00:37:27.620 Hold on.

00:37:28.160 Are we manipulating or maybe the thing we're doing, we shouldn't be doing is wrong. 1.00

00:37:34.860 So let's just not do that stupid ass thing that we have to be so damn concerned about 1.00

00:37:40.740 how we communicate it. 1.00

00:37:42.280 Right.

00:37:42.860 Or actually what's just extend trust and say, Hey, we know we're doing the right thing and

00:37:47.720 we trust people and, or we realize that we're not in this position to manipulate people

00:37:53.260 and how they receive is how they receive it.

00:37:55.100 And we'll address it.

00:37:57.860 What do you know?

00:37:58.560 The, the biggest challenge is that you've, a lot of times you've already done the thing,

00:38:04.340 right?

00:38:04.820 Cause you're right.

00:38:05.560 What is it?

00:38:06.200 The ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

00:38:08.560 Yeah.

00:38:09.020 So you've, you've already done the thing, but what I would suggest to you is, you know,

00:38:13.440 we need to stop digging and then start making just better decisions moving forward.

00:38:19.220 And for me, you know, it's, it's the, it's the realization that if I'm tempted to lie

00:38:24.000 about something, then just don't, even if it's going to be a little painful to you or

00:38:32.020 somebody else, just don't make that, make that a non-negotiable.

00:38:38.660 And that's what I'm, that's one of the things I'm, I'm working on a million things in my

00:38:43.160 own inadequacies, but that's one of them.

00:38:45.440 Yeah.

00:38:46.120 Well, and as we go on to this other question, I mean, let's, let's be frank, we're saying

00:38:49.460 all this, this isn't like, I don't think this is in the category of state of being.

00:38:53.620 I think this is a, a constant choice over and over and over all day long throughout the

00:39:00.200 entire day, all day tomorrow.

00:39:01.780 I mean, cause it's so easy to do these things, right.

00:39:05.040 And, and not do the right thing.

00:39:06.500 Well, and self-preservation is such a ingrained part of us.

00:39:10.540 So you mess up at work and you're behind or over budget on your project and you tell your

00:39:15.500 boss, I remember, I remember one time I'll remember it.

00:39:19.660 Like I remember like yesterday, I was a store manager of journey shoe store and our regional

00:39:26.160 manager was down in Vegas.

00:39:27.740 And I think we went down there for a conference or for something and we get there and Tim wants

00:39:36.200 to get a report on how the stores are doing.

00:39:39.040 And so he goes through and there's four or five managers and he goes through and I'm the

00:39:42.540 last one and he goes through and he says, what's your sales?

00:39:45.380 What's your sales today?

00:39:46.340 What's your sales today?

00:39:47.180 What's your, and everybody's knocking it out of the park.

00:39:49.440 And he comes to me and I'm like, uh, and I just made something up that was, you didn't

00:39:55.100 have your number.

00:39:56.220 Yeah.

00:39:56.640 I had the number.

00:39:57.480 It just wasn't good.

00:39:59.060 Got it.

00:40:01.420 So I made up this random number and then I, as soon as I said it, I'm like, well, number

00:40:07.240 one, you lied.

00:40:07.980 And number two, he has access to the reports.

00:40:12.220 Yeah.

00:40:12.680 It's not like he's gonna be like, okay, sure.

00:40:14.720 And then that's it.

00:40:15.680 Like, he's gonna look at that.

00:40:17.460 And you know what I did instead of saying, no, I lied.

00:40:23.000 You know what I did?

00:40:23.980 I threw my employees under the bus.

00:40:25.840 I said, they told me wrong.

00:40:30.580 And I threw them on.

00:40:31.820 So I lied to them.

00:40:33.100 I threw my employees under the bus and I lied again to fix the first lie.

00:40:38.960 This stuff is really, really devious and hard to overcome at times.

00:40:42.880 Yeah, absolutely.

00:40:44.720 All right, Peyton Mathis, when it comes to marriage, do you guys believe in the hard

00:40:50.380 year cycles, like three, seven, and 11 years being the hardest?

00:40:55.520 If you do, why do you think that is and how do you get through it?

00:40:59.100 I've always heard this, but not sure if it's true.

00:41:03.560 I think there are cycles of a marriage.

00:41:05.900 There are cycles of a relationship.

00:41:08.000 I don't know if it's three, seven, and 11 years.

00:41:09.860 Show up around seven.

00:41:11.420 Yeah.

00:41:12.240 Right.

00:41:12.520 I don't, I don't know if that's a hard and fast rule where you need to be extra vigilant

00:41:15.920 at year seven, 11.

00:41:17.580 I don't.

00:41:18.220 Don't worry about the other years.

00:41:19.520 They'll be fine.

00:41:20.240 Right.

00:41:21.200 But yeah, of course there are cycles.

00:41:22.820 And you know why there are cycles is because you, you, you have a conversation.

00:41:28.080 You have like, think, let's say things are firing.

00:41:29.820 You know, you're, you're, you're fairly new married.

00:41:31.960 You're excited.

00:41:33.260 The sex life is good.

00:41:35.160 She's excited.

00:41:35.940 You're excited.

00:41:36.600 Maybe you're doing some family planning.

00:41:38.160 Your career is starting to grow.

00:41:39.480 You just bought a new house.

00:41:41.160 Bro, that's easy.

00:41:43.240 That's easy.

00:41:44.160 And then what do you do?

00:41:45.200 You start to coast and you start to become complacent and you think, oh man, I'm awesome.

00:41:50.880 I've got all this.

00:41:52.080 But what we need to understand is the result of the results are, they're lagging indicators

00:41:59.560 of what's actually happening.

00:42:01.100 So for example, if you're not very financially prudent because you think you just got this

00:42:06.700 raise and everything's good and I'm not going to be prudent with my money, you're not going

00:42:10.200 to experience the hardship of those decisions for maybe six to nine to 12 months.

00:42:15.780 And so you end up doing it for nine months before you realize, oh boy, there's a problem

00:42:20.440 here.

00:42:21.960 Or maybe it's, you know, your, your wife's pregnant and she's got the baby and she's having

00:42:29.840 a hard time and she's going through difficult things with her hormones and having a human

00:42:34.800 being growing inside of her.

00:42:36.460 And maybe she's not as frisky with you as you'd like, or maybe she's not as communicative

00:42:40.780 as you normally are.

00:42:42.260 And so in your perception of her neglection, you start to neglect her.

00:42:51.120 And then in three and six and nine months, all of a sudden it's like, I feel like I'm living

00:42:58.040 with my roommate.

00:43:00.540 And then what do we do when we have those times?

00:43:03.220 We fix ourselves.

00:43:05.760 So your wife is frustrated because you're not connected. 1.00

00:43:08.920 And so you become more connected.

00:43:11.020 You have a unexpected bill come up and you're like, oh boy, I need to manage my money better.

00:43:15.400 And you do.

00:43:16.340 And then lagging behind it is improvement.

00:43:18.600 So you start making good financial decisions.

00:43:20.240 You put a little more money in the bank.

00:43:22.000 Your wife and you are feeling better.

00:43:23.760 You're more intimate.

00:43:24.540 You're going on date nights now and everything seems wonderful.

00:43:28.020 And you're like, we're good.

00:43:29.600 And you start making bad decisions.

00:43:31.380 So yes, it's all cyclical.

00:43:32.740 Well, the key to this, I call it the accordion effect.

00:43:36.360 It's the accordion effect.

00:43:37.520 And I dubbed this the accordion effect when I was doing my financial planning stuff.

00:43:41.080 But I'd go out into the business world and I'd go out and I'd do my sales calls and I'd

00:43:45.080 get referrals and I'd hustle and I'd get a bunch of business.

00:43:48.280 And it was awesome in the financial world.

00:43:50.360 It takes about six to nine months on some things to get paid for the work that you did six

00:43:54.760 to nine months earlier. 0.62

00:43:56.600 So I'd go out there and bust my butt and get it all done.

00:43:59.800 And I'm now I'm starting to have money come in and I see it and I'm like, oh, this is awesome.

00:44:03.700 Money's coming in.

00:44:04.500 Money's come.

00:44:05.020 And then what would I do?

00:44:05.980 I would stop doing the sales calls.

00:44:08.260 I would stop asking for referrals.

00:44:10.220 I'd stop calling existing clients to maintain my relationship.

00:44:13.600 And nine months down the road, it's like money dries out.

00:44:16.600 I'm like, what's happening?

00:44:17.680 So then I'd go back to hustling.

00:44:19.560 But it takes six to nine more months to grow that up.

00:44:23.260 So it's just this constant, just accordion.

00:44:26.100 Instead, what we ought to be doing, whether it's working out, communicating with our wife,

00:44:29.960 dealing with our finances is slow and steady.

00:44:33.840 I'm going to do these four things every single day for the rest of my life.

00:44:39.300 Whether I'm in a good position or not a good position, this is part of the reason programs

00:44:43.140 like 75 Hard work in the short term, because come hell or high water, you have to do two

00:44:49.340 workouts a day.

00:44:50.920 It doesn't matter if it's snowing or there's a monsoon or you're on vacation or you're doing

00:44:54.540 this or that.

00:44:55.100 It doesn't matter.

00:44:55.940 You have to do it.

00:44:57.500 And if all of us approached our life more like that, where maybe I'm not in a good mood,

00:45:02.580 but I'm still going to go work out.

00:45:04.640 Maybe I'm a little under the weather, but I'm still going to record a podcast.

00:45:08.540 Maybe I'm not feeling awesome about the day, but I'm going to get home and still ask my

00:45:12.880 wife about her day.

00:45:14.980 And you just commit to doing it over and over again, every day, forever.

00:45:20.540 Totally.

00:45:21.160 Do you remember Stephen Covey and he had a demonstration that he would use around first

00:45:26.800 things first?

00:45:27.560 Do you remember that with the rocks?

00:45:29.140 With the rocks, the big rocks and the little rocks?

00:45:30.780 Yeah.

00:45:31.220 Yeah.

00:45:31.500 He put the big rocks in and then the, you know, and if you put the big, the little rocks

00:45:35.480 in the, in the pot first and try to fit the big rocks, they don't fit.

00:45:39.100 Right.

00:45:39.620 Right.

00:45:39.880 But when we prioritize the big rocks and then pour in the little rocks around the big rocks,

00:45:45.020 it all fits.

00:45:46.440 And, and I've heard this analogy uses the whirlwind.

00:45:50.560 Life will keep you busy.

00:45:53.160 Oh, absolutely.

00:45:53.880 Without you prioritizing any rocks.

00:45:56.220 And so if we're not intentional around the rocks, then it will get away from you.

00:46:02.860 And it's, and it's crazy how much we have covert contracts or unspoken expectations of what

00:46:11.720 something should be like.

00:46:12.760 And the whirlwind kind of keeps us distracted from not addressing it.

00:46:18.600 And then seven years in, you're like, I'm done.

00:46:23.480 I've reached my max.

00:46:25.120 It's never changing.

00:46:26.480 This thing, you know, that I haven't addressed forever is now just, I can't deal with it anymore.

00:46:33.400 And this is where we get these, these people in relationships where it's like, oh, they're

00:46:37.280 done.

00:46:37.440 They walked out.

00:46:38.100 What was the issue?

00:46:38.900 I have no idea.

00:46:40.780 They kind of didn't to some extent, sometimes why?

00:46:43.460 Because it was never communicated.

00:46:45.400 It was never addressed.

00:46:46.560 It was never, um, the expectations were never even talked about, but they had this idea of

00:46:54.220 what it should be or wanted it, or they had priorities that were important in it, important

00:46:59.440 to them.

00:47:00.080 It was never said to anybody.

00:47:01.700 And, and it's why you just take that baseline of just what, of what marriage might look like

00:47:09.180 in that example.

00:47:10.040 And then you throw in difficult teenager, dying parent, lost job, changing hormones, new

00:47:20.500 kids.

00:47:21.180 Oh my goodness.

00:47:22.380 Right?

00:47:22.700 Like life will happen.

00:47:24.080 Um, and, and when those life events show up, uh, it, it can get real hard, get really

00:47:30.540 hard.

00:47:31.420 You said something that was interesting as you talked about this, this thing with marriage,

00:47:35.080 like she told me, I never knew what I was going to.

00:47:37.020 And we hear a lot of guys say, use the word.

00:47:39.520 I was blindsided.

00:47:41.140 Yeah.

00:47:41.700 I was blindsided.

00:47:42.740 I felt that way.

00:47:44.040 I felt like she didn't tell, she didn't give me a chance to fix it.

00:47:48.780 And I actually believe that that's, that's true.

00:47:50.940 She did not give me the opportunity to fix it before she was already out. 0.66

00:47:55.120 Okay.

00:47:55.600 So there's that.

00:47:57.060 And that's why people feel blindsided, but, and that's not fair, but let's silo that for

00:48:02.720 a second.

00:48:03.340 That's your interpretation.

00:48:04.920 Yeah.

00:48:05.420 Right.

00:48:07.060 But there were signs that I could have paid attention to.

00:48:11.180 And so sometimes we'll say, well, nobody ever communicated it with me.

00:48:15.320 Let me ask you this.

00:48:16.620 Did you ask?

00:48:18.440 Yeah.

00:48:18.700 Or if you saw something going wrong in the relationship, did you say, Hey, something seems

00:48:24.560 off.

00:48:25.360 We used to do this and now we don't, or you seem irritable and upset about something or

00:48:30.920 like, are you willing to bring it up?

00:48:33.140 Or are you just as guilty as of bearing your head in the sand as she might be of not giving

00:48:37.980 you proper chance to improve the situation?

00:48:41.220 Yeah.

00:48:41.440 Or, or how are you showing up in the relationship where your spouse doesn't dare bring it up to

00:48:46.600 you?

00:48:47.480 That's fair.

00:48:48.100 Yeah.

00:48:48.660 I mean, that, that may mean something in itself.

00:48:52.160 Maybe they've tried and you punished them for bringing it up or you demonize that while

00:48:58.040 you're never doing this, it's like, okay, God learned helplessness.

00:49:01.600 Got it.

00:49:02.400 Doesn't matter what I have to say.

00:49:03.760 It won't make a difference.

00:49:05.840 Ooh.

00:49:07.860 Yep.

00:49:08.500 Stuff.

00:49:08.960 So much.

00:49:09.520 I think, I think I'm, I'm learning and coming to the conclusion that, you know, there, there

00:49:14.440 is space for somebody else's slip ups, somebody else's contribution to the demise of a relationship,

00:49:24.380 for example.

00:49:25.060 You can't take ownership of that.

00:49:26.560 There's space for it.

00:49:27.440 There's space.

00:49:28.120 And I haven't always been good at that of, of, of saying here, you know, here's that side

00:49:34.000 of the equation, but there is space for that.

00:49:36.040 But in addition to the space that you can say, Hey, I'm going to deal with all of this, but

00:49:41.360 I'm realizing and learning and people have helped me see this is that I don't need to

00:49:47.440 take on things that are not mine to take on.

00:49:49.960 And I have a tendency of doing that.

00:49:52.040 And I think a lot of other men do that is we get so hopped up on this extreme ownership

00:49:57.020 concept that we take on everything and we overlook any sort of responsibility other people

00:50:05.720 have in the equation.

00:50:07.440 And I believe if you're going to honor and respect people like we want to, then we ought

00:50:14.520 to also respect the fact that they have a part to play in things that always don't always

00:50:20.940 work out the right way.

00:50:22.300 And I'm going to be more honest about that because I think it's just a, it's a more well-rounded

00:50:28.100 approach.

00:50:28.560 It's a more accurate approach and it will allow me to take on what I should, but not take on

00:50:37.240 what I shouldn't.

00:50:39.020 Yeah.

00:50:39.640 In, in service of them and you, because it's also good for them.

00:50:45.080 To own their world, right?

00:50:47.600 And, and you not trying to dictate and control it either.

00:50:50.300 Yeah.

00:50:50.700 That's, that's great.

00:50:51.820 That's great.

00:50:52.960 Mark, uh, Glebowski, did I pronounce Mark's name, right?

00:50:56.620 Gabloski.

00:50:57.680 Gabloski.

00:50:58.680 I think it's, if a man is unclear about his personal value system and his code, how does

00:51:06.420 he discover what is truly important to him and not just piggyback on what other men say

00:51:12.240 is important?

00:51:12.900 Not that it isn't possible to learn from others, but truly discovering his own code.

00:51:18.360 I have some recent experience and I think I can give a perspective that I've not shared

00:51:24.060 before that most men have not.

00:51:25.600 what eats at you, like what eats at you about the way that you showed up?

00:51:36.100 We'll talk about this in two different ways.

00:51:38.560 Did you, do you hate being late for meetings?

00:51:42.260 Like, do you really despise it and you're late and you're just, it just annoys you and it's

00:51:47.860 obnoxious to you and it just eats at you and it bothers you and you feel like you have

00:51:51.000 to apologize.

00:51:51.980 You know what?

00:51:52.540 But that's an indicator that you just betrayed your value system and your value system is

00:51:59.160 respect.

00:52:00.440 If I say I'm going to be somewhere, then I'm going to be somewhere.

00:52:03.380 Integrity, respect.

00:52:04.140 Let's say that you lie about something and it just bothers you and you apologize over and

00:52:13.080 over again and you can't sleep because you're thinking about this lie that you told somebody

00:52:18.520 and you try to come clean or you don't come clean, but you feel guilty about it.

00:52:22.020 That's an indicator that honesty is something that you really, really value because it's

00:52:30.620 eating at you.

00:52:31.300 If it didn't eat at you, it means that it doesn't bother you. 0.99

00:52:34.920 Let's say you go out and you sleep with multiple women and you don't care and you're a womanizer 0.99

00:52:39.600 and you go out with all the women and do all the things and it doesn't bother you, then

00:52:44.100 honoring one woman isn't a concern of yours.

00:52:47.540 And I'm not here to tell you what's good and right or what values you should or shouldn't

00:52:50.680 have.

00:52:51.040 I'm just here to tell you if you do that and feel guilty, then it's telling you you're

00:52:57.440 abandoning your value system to some degree.

00:53:00.900 So that's one side of the equation.

00:53:02.540 That's the internal value system.

00:53:04.620 Then there's the external.

00:53:06.200 When you see, let's say Tom DeBlast, he's been on the podcast a couple of times.

00:53:11.040 He's an incredible jujitsu player and a lot of his stuff revolves around, at least on Instagram,

00:53:17.420 around bullying and he hates it.

00:53:21.720 He despises it.

00:53:23.700 You can see his posts.

00:53:25.020 And I think he's absolutely right.

00:53:26.820 That's an external thing that eats at him.

00:53:29.380 It just, it's gut wrenching to him so much so that he's decided that's so important to

00:53:35.160 me that I'm going to not only be a protector in my own life, I'm going to work to help other

00:53:40.220 people be a protector so they don't have to deal with that.

00:53:44.160 Or let's say you get into nonprofit work with a certain organization because you were taken

00:53:49.960 advantage of as a young child. 0.96

00:53:51.860 Maybe you were sexually molested as a young child.

00:53:53.780 And now that's so disturbing to you as it ought to be that you want to get into nonprofit work 0.91

00:54:01.240 that protects children.

00:54:02.700 Maybe it's social work through the government, or maybe it's a nonprofit charitable organization.

00:54:08.180 So the best thing I can do, tell you to figure out your values, what eats at you in your own

00:54:14.900 behavior and the behavior of others.

00:54:16.380 And that's where, you know, the betrayal of values is existing.

00:54:19.560 I love it.

00:54:20.560 I love it.

00:54:21.060 And would you say, Ryan, this changes and evolves, right?

00:54:27.140 And, and I, and I know Mark's not suggesting this, but sometimes, you know, we, we talk about

00:54:32.320 the battle plans in our council and our vision and guys wrap up on to like the vision, like

00:54:38.560 the, like the right version and what the value should be.

00:54:42.500 And it's like, sometimes it's like, no, it's just wherever you are right now.

00:54:46.360 What is that?

00:54:47.440 Yeah.

00:54:48.100 And, and guess what? 1.00

00:54:49.340 That shit's going to change in five years. 1.00

00:54:51.280 And it should, because you're not the same person as you was before. 0.99

00:54:54.580 And, and, and it's important that we're constantly evolving and changing.

00:54:58.180 And so don't get too wrapped up on the values, um, figure out what they are now and then evolve

00:55:04.580 and grow right from there.

00:55:05.940 Yeah, for sure.

00:55:07.280 And be open to it, you know, just be open to the fact that life circumstances change.

00:55:12.540 You know, you get promotions, you make more money, you make less money, relationships

00:55:15.980 come and some go and, um, you know, one of your kids breaks their arm or gets hurt or

00:55:22.560 incapacitated or heaven forbid terminally ill, um, or you have a lawsuit that you need to

00:55:28.060 deal with or a death of a loved one.

00:55:30.340 Um, I mean, if that doesn't change your vision, you're too, I would suggest you're too rigid

00:55:36.700 and you are brittle and you will break.

00:55:39.000 So be open to just life's man.

00:55:42.860 There's going to be things that happened to me today.

00:55:44.760 I did not predict.

00:55:47.760 I did not have on my bingo card as they say.

00:55:50.600 Yeah.

00:55:51.120 Okay.

00:55:52.440 How am I going to deal with that?

00:55:53.740 Am I going to be able to adapt?

00:55:56.520 I hope.

00:55:57.320 And some things are going to kick me in the pants a little harder than other things,

00:56:00.960 but I got to adapt.

00:56:02.160 I got to adjust.

00:56:02.920 You have to, there's no other, there's no other alternative.

00:56:06.220 Yeah.

00:56:07.540 Yeah.

00:56:07.900 I love it.

00:56:09.040 We have one last question.

00:56:10.420 It's a quick one.

00:56:11.760 Stay good.

00:56:12.460 Randy Richer.

00:56:13.780 How much does your credit score factor into your life?

00:56:18.420 Do you treat it appropriately?

00:56:21.420 It hasn't factored into my life for a long time.

00:56:24.720 Yeah.

00:56:25.720 Um, but you should, I mean, kind of care about it.

00:56:28.780 I mean, you know what I mean?

00:56:30.060 Like maybe it's on your radar, right?

00:56:33.880 The way that I look at a credit score, especially when you're younger and maybe finances are a

00:56:38.360 little different is you need to be very aware of it and make sure you're doing the right

00:56:43.180 things to build up that credit score.

00:56:44.540 I wish it weren't the case, but it is.

00:56:46.040 So just do the right things.

00:56:47.380 But this, to me, the credit score thing, we can talk about the efficacy of it.

00:56:53.100 That's not really the route I want to go.

00:56:54.880 But the credit score thing to me is like being fit.

00:56:58.240 You know, you can have goals of being fit.

00:57:00.640 Like I want to have this much body fat or I want to hit these weights.

00:57:03.300 But at the end of the day, it's just down to the behaviors that you engage in.

00:57:06.840 Totally.

00:57:07.260 And we all know the behaviors.

00:57:08.900 You know, I know there's some manipulation with credit scores about having, you know,

00:57:12.980 so many open lines of revolving credit and how long credit has been open.

00:57:16.720 But at the end of the day, if you finance a few things here and there, you pay your cards

00:57:21.260 on time and you do that forever, your credit score is going to be a non-issue.

00:57:26.620 Yeah.

00:57:27.340 Yeah.

00:57:27.620 But if you're constantly missing payments.

00:57:29.420 Yeah, it's just the outcome.

00:57:30.600 If you're constantly missing payments and, you know, you've never had credit before in

00:57:36.120 your life or it's too much, then, of course, you're going to deal with negative consequences

00:57:42.560 of it.

00:57:43.680 I'm not going to tell you you shouldn't worry about it, but it has not been a concern just

00:57:47.420 because it's a byproduct of good financial management.

00:57:51.440 Yeah.

00:57:51.900 Yeah.

00:57:52.360 And that's such a great principle.

00:57:54.800 You know, you'll appreciate this.

00:57:57.420 It was really funny.

00:57:58.100 So I had that keynote, like, um, was not last week, but the week before.

00:58:02.760 And, and so I, you know, little, little chat GPT, I went, Hey, you know, what is the ideal

00:58:08.580 thing that I should eat today to be optimal at 3 PM?

00:58:15.460 Okay.

00:58:16.040 No brain fog, amazing energy.

00:58:18.560 Like, what does that look like?

00:58:21.800 What was the results?

00:58:23.840 Oh, I already know.

00:58:24.900 They probably chicken, vegetables and water.

00:58:27.360 Yeah.

00:58:27.780 The results I should be doing every single day.

00:58:30.740 Exactly.

00:58:31.180 Right.

00:58:31.660 Like, and that's why, that's why a diet isn't about necessarily like, if you really think

00:58:37.820 about it, a lot of diets are like, do this hard thing for delayed gratification of feeling

00:58:43.500 good at one point.

00:58:45.300 No, no, no, no.

00:58:46.240 It's about feeling great today.

00:58:48.220 Right.

00:58:48.620 And, and, and, and win today and feel great today.

00:58:51.400 And guess what happens, you know, 30 days, 60 days later, Oh, you lose weight too.

00:58:58.000 But, but if it's this future state thing, a lot of people will struggle with that.

00:59:02.060 Why?

00:59:02.320 Because they can't wait 60 days.

00:59:04.300 And, and some, sometimes the mindset is, and I, and I, I see a trend in our conversation

00:59:10.680 today.

00:59:10.920 It's like, when today, if you're at work right now and you're listening to this, when

00:59:15.140 at work, do great at work and you'll feel good about it.

00:59:18.680 And then when you get home, when at home and what starts happening is great relationship

00:59:24.360 with kids, great relationship with wife, progress in work.

00:59:27.480 Right.

00:59:28.320 But we have a tendency to just like, Oh, someday, you know, I want these sayings at some future

00:59:33.240 state when reality, the, the things that we need to be doing are on our lap right now.

00:59:39.140 And we just need to win where we are.

00:59:41.780 And those things will eventually happen.

00:59:45.480 I would just give a little bit of a flip in the frame of reference on winning today.

00:59:49.920 And I know we're maybe just debating semantics on this one, but I also think for me, it's,

00:59:55.360 it, it's helpful for me to look at this.

00:59:57.860 You don't even need to win today.

00:59:59.960 You just need to do the right things today.

01:00:02.520 Yeah.

01:00:03.080 Yeah.

01:00:03.420 Good point.

01:00:04.140 Good point.

01:00:04.800 And, and I, again, maybe a little bit semantical, right?

01:00:07.200 But the, the principle is, because it may not look like winning, the right, doing the

01:00:11.960 right thing.

01:00:12.560 It may not look like winning.

01:00:13.700 Yeah.

01:00:14.060 Yeah.

01:00:14.220 Good point.

01:00:14.840 Making all of your sales call today.

01:00:16.620 You're not going to knock it out of the park today.

01:00:18.780 You're going to set yourself up for next week.

01:00:21.280 Yeah.

01:00:21.680 Having the conversation with your wife isn't mean, doesn't mean like, if you haven't talked

01:00:26.480 with her on anything deep or meaningful for months or years, having a good conversation,

01:00:31.660 a healthy, wholesome conversation doesn't mean you're going to get lucky tonight, which

01:00:35.660 we would all say is winning.

01:00:38.020 So, but doing it will inevitably produce that result.

01:00:42.240 And we shouldn't do it for that result, but it is a by-product of the work that we do.

01:00:47.040 So just do the right things, figure out what those are to Mark's point earlier, figure out

01:00:52.280 what values you have and where you're abandoning those values.

01:00:55.100 And then just let it ride, man.

01:00:57.820 Just let it ride.

01:01:00.380 I love it.

01:01:01.760 All right, sir.

01:01:02.680 I mean, calls to action.

01:01:04.280 What do you, what do we have?

01:01:05.360 Iron Council's not open for roughly about a month.

01:01:07.720 I mean, battle ready.

01:01:08.700 Are we still operating or actually a divorce, not death.

01:01:11.500 Oh, you cut out what you said, actually, and then you cut out.

01:01:16.400 I didn't hear what you said.

01:01:16.860 Divorce, not death.

01:01:18.160 Oh yeah.

01:01:18.600 Divorce, not death.

01:01:19.320 So we've got a course on managing a divorce.

01:01:22.540 It's not trying to get your wife back, trying to win her back.

01:01:25.900 A lot of these programs do that.

01:01:27.560 And there's merit to a lot of what I've seen out there.

01:01:29.720 I'm not saying it's, it's bad or wrong, but what we're doing is something a little

01:01:34.400 different where it's, it's over.

01:01:36.080 The relationship is over.

01:01:37.780 You've gone through a divorce.

01:01:39.740 Maybe you're already separated.

01:01:40.940 Maybe the divorce is already finalized.

01:01:42.460 Maybe you're on that path, but what do you do?

01:01:44.580 What do you do with the legalities?

01:01:46.400 What do you do with, with attorneys?

01:01:49.280 What do you do with documents and paperwork?

01:01:52.340 How do you begin to learn how to co-parent?

01:01:54.880 What's the schedule look like?

01:01:57.080 One of the hardest things for me in my divorce has been, I went from doing half of the work

01:02:04.340 100% of the time to doing 100% of the work half the time.

01:02:11.300 And that's, that's a big trap.

01:02:13.860 There's things like doing my daughter's hair.

01:02:16.220 I don't, I never did.

01:02:18.080 I don't know how to do that.

01:02:19.400 I never did that.

01:02:21.020 Or making dinner before I was divorced.

01:02:23.480 I never made dinner.

01:02:25.000 That's my ex-wife did that. 1.00

01:02:26.300 And now I have to do it.

01:02:27.840 So there's all these sorts of things.

01:02:29.560 And then eventually when the, when you feel like you're in the position to do it, you'll

01:02:33.660 want to begin to date again and look for another romantic partner.

01:02:37.200 And what, what apps do you use?

01:02:39.660 How do you present yourself?

01:02:40.980 What's that first date look like?

01:02:42.700 What's a new relationship look like?

01:02:44.920 What do you need to learn about yourself?

01:02:46.260 So you don't bring your old baggage into a new relationship.

01:02:49.100 So we've got different modules based on you developing and getting past and through probably

01:02:54.460 the hardest time in your life.

01:02:55.720 If it, if it's anything like it was for me and the thousands and thousands of men who've

01:03:00.160 told me about their own personal scenario.

01:03:01.560 So if you go to divorce, not death.com, drop your email in and we'll let you know in the

01:03:06.060 next month, 30 to 45 days, as soon as that opens up, because that's going to be a big

01:03:10.280 deal for a lot of people.

01:03:12.000 Okay.

01:03:12.940 And then of course you can connect with Mickler on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

01:03:17.660 And, um, stay tuned.

01:03:20.560 Where do they connect with you too?

01:03:22.040 Yeah.

01:03:22.420 Uh, at Kip Sorensen, Instagram, pretty straightforward.

01:03:27.420 Um, and then stay connected on, I know.

01:03:30.420 And then stay connected on order of man.com.

01:03:33.280 Um, and we'll keep you guys communicated or updated around when enrollment opens for the

01:03:38.340 iron council.

01:03:38.840 I had a couple of guys ping me recently of like, Hey, I want to join.

01:03:41.560 I'm like, well, good.

01:03:42.640 Yeah.

01:03:42.920 Sweet.

01:03:43.300 Sign up, get on the newsletter.

01:03:45.320 You'll, you'll get communicated too.

01:03:47.020 So awesome.

01:03:48.820 Thanks, Kip.

01:03:49.420 Appreciate you, man.

01:03:50.020 Guys, really good questions.

01:03:51.060 As always, hopefully we gave you some good answers to consider.

01:03:53.600 Uh, we'll be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the man you

01:03:57.480 are meant to be.

01:04:02.500 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:04:05.340 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:04:09.160 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - May 07, 2025

Find Your Values, Validate Yourself, and Why You Hate Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript