Order of Man - Fix This or Stay Single

00:00:00.000 In life, we don't tap. We just wait till we get strangled and then our world falls apart.

00:00:04.600 That's what happens is like you go through a bankruptcy or you go through a divorce or you

00:00:08.560 deal with a crippling medical condition or some crisis that could have otherwise been averted

00:00:14.360 because you didn't just tap and learn the lesson. You just doubled down and did the same dumb things

00:00:18.520 you've been doing before and then things fall apart. You're like, what happened? Well, you had

00:00:23.180 a dozen times to tap and say, hey, yeah, we can fix this. I want to figure out what's going on.

00:00:28.520 i want to get better we don't take advantage of it all right brother what's going on man

00:00:33.480 great to be back for another ask me anything how was your weekend did you have a good weekend

00:00:37.580 aerator yard work i don't know the use yeah yeah we had a bunch of lacrosse games over here well

00:00:48.880 that's good yeah that's nice it's it's funny it's like games we talk about this stuff and it's like

00:00:55.900 so boring but every guy listening is like yeah i get that i wish we had a more eventful life

00:01:01.120 sometimes we do we've got an event coming up so that'll be kind of eventful uh that one's in april

00:01:06.900 april 23rd through the 26th if you want to come out to st louis and have a good time learning

00:01:11.760 from great men like duane noel and gs youngblood and frank schwartz with f3 and larry hagner with

00:01:17.340 the dead edge you got to be at that event that's going to be amazing that's at themensforge.com

00:01:22.360 but yeah for me this weekend a bunch of lacrosse I think my boys had five lacrosse games last week

00:01:27.780 my two oldest check so a tournament they're getting after it yeah it was a tournament this

00:01:32.400 weekend and they're getting after I love I love lacrosse man I've fallen in love with that sport

00:01:37.100 it is so incredible I wish it was I wish it was more prevalent when I was younger and that I had

00:01:42.180 the opportunity to play but I didn't so I chose baseball which is also a great sport small town

00:01:48.400 utah do you even know about lacrosse i never knew about lacrosse no i wasn't even on my radar i was

00:01:53.580 growing up yeah but it's funny because i see videos or i see movies now or tv shows and old

00:01:59.800 stuff like i was watching last of the mohicans um i don't know a month or so ago and one of the

00:02:06.820 scenes is when those guys are actually playing lacrosse with native american indians and that

00:02:14.260 that's it is a native american indian game uh from from canada i guess and so we co-opted that

00:02:21.320 like we do everything else and you know here we are making the best of it and turn it into

00:02:24.700 america's sport now second sport maybe how did the boys do uh they struggled you know they

00:02:31.600 struggled as a team individually i think they both played pretty well um but it's funny we went we've

00:02:36.720 got some natural hot springs here in southern utah and we went last night i thought it'd be

00:02:41.720 cool after a long tournament just to go like sit in the hot springs and their arms are just

00:02:47.160 welted and bruised everywhere if you guys don't know lacrosse you can quite literally

00:02:52.580 molest somebody with your stick however you want as long as they have the ball you don't hit them

00:02:57.760 in the head i mean you can baseball bat swing you can jab them in the guts i mean you can do

00:03:02.340 anything really so check their arm yeah oh yeah i mean that's what you're doing well we had a kid

00:03:07.060 got he got checked on his hand he broke his hand in two spots so he's out for six weeks so yep it

00:03:13.360 happens another kid got his got the pole uh i think it was one of i can't remember it was one

00:03:19.500 of our players or the other guy but went to went to check and when you check you have to have your

00:03:23.880 hands close together when you check them you can't have them spread out otherwise it's a cross check

00:03:27.840 it's illegal and he cross checked right in his chest and it slid up to his neck and he broke the

00:03:33.120 pole around his chest and that just snapped in half and the kid was fine but yeah wild dude wild

00:03:41.660 crazy sport well we got one question and it's related to sports actually so that's a maybe a

00:03:47.400 good segue from julian here he wants to know what valuable insights have you gained from

00:03:54.160 brazilian jiu-jitsu practice that you have integrated into your daily life uh it's you

00:04:01.260 know actually it's been a while since i've trained so i feel a little disingenuous asking this but i

00:04:06.240 can draw on you know when i was training really really heavily and i know you'll have better

00:04:10.600 answers for this but for me jujitsu has been phenomenal at teaching humility i would say is

00:04:17.340 one that you don't know everything that you don't need to know everything that it's okay to ask for

00:04:23.900 help it's okay to say you're in over your head you know when you tap you're that's basically what

00:04:28.860 you're saying hey nope I'm in over my head you got me I'm dead to right so let's reset and it's

00:04:35.180 also the power of having a good training partner you know and I think of a good training partner

00:04:39.920 like somebody who's gonna push hard enough that you can compete and not feel deflated

00:04:47.500 but also not be so weak that you're not improving and getting better because you see both you see

00:04:53.220 guys who just go hard and they just destroy you and that's fun for the other guy but it's not fun

00:04:58.000 for the the lower belt um or you see guys who are just like so flimsy and weak and it's like

00:05:05.520 i can't i can't do anything with this this is not even realistic and so you see both so i think

00:05:11.580 having a good training partner and that's in a spouse that's in friendships having we talked

00:05:15.940 about that the training partner that you need to have in your spouse or a friendship um you know

00:05:21.480 the other thing I was thinking about too, Kip, is that it's okay to experiment. I wish more men

00:05:27.900 would do that in their life. We get so rigid and we get so fixed in our ways. And a lot of the

00:05:33.400 times we're driven so much by fear that we won't experiment with new ideas, new concepts, new ways

00:05:40.260 of looking at things, new projects, new ventures, new adventures. And I think the same is true. I

00:05:45.520 felt this way in jujitsu. I got so good at like my, the game that I, I said, I got so good at

00:05:52.000 jujitsu. I I'm not saying that correctly. That's not what I meant. I, I got good at doing one

00:05:57.800 thing in jujitsu and that was hard pressure, heavy, like pressure, physicality game. And

00:06:06.060 it really took some time to say to myself, Hey, you're good at that. Why don't you try getting

00:06:10.780 good at something else. Because you can always fall back into that if you need to. But in a

00:06:15.380 training environment, it's worth flowing a little bit more. It's worth attacking arms and doing

00:06:23.260 things that I normally wouldn't do. I think the same is true of life. So those are a few lessons

00:06:27.100 that I've extracted from it. Yeah. You know, one thing that comes to mind is grit. We talked about

00:06:31.860 grit last week in the Iron Council. At least you brought it up on the Friday call. And

00:06:39.200 man it's just grit and and part of that is the humility element that you're bringing up

00:06:44.560 but it doesn't change and and that's the part that's so funny is is so many guys think it's

00:06:50.460 like oh man like once i get my blue belt you know i don't have to grind as much i don't have to have

00:06:57.180 grit um i'm gonna love showing up and it's gonna get easier it never gets easier it just never

00:07:03.800 gets easier. It, it, it keeps getting difficult. Um, and, and you learn how to persevere and do it

00:07:12.880 anyway. I can't like one thing that comes to mind is I've had teammates, some of my favorite

00:07:20.100 training partners. I, I remember times I hated training with them. They were the guy, they were

00:07:27.240 the guy that I'd like want to avoid. I'm like, Oh man, I don't, I don't want to roll with Dan.

00:07:32.500 i hate rolling with dan and i would and like i would fight this internal battle and then i

00:07:38.480 remember i think it's probably when i was a blue belt where i'd be like all right who are the people

00:07:43.260 i don't want to train with and i would pick them first i'd be like all right and i look at dan and

00:07:49.020 this is kind of like my mentality was like let's go you know like let's just get this over with

00:07:55.220 right? Let's go. Now he's one of my favorite training partners, but it required me to seek

00:08:02.920 him out, to have some grit and perseverance and just go and just keep showing up. Even though I

00:08:10.820 didn't want to, even though it was difficult and, and it's humility is people don't understand that

00:08:17.160 level of humility. Like you use the example of like tapping. Oh, you got me. How often do people

00:08:23.000 tap in life. Like really tap. You don't tap to an argument with your spouse. You don't tap to a

00:08:30.160 disagreement with a boss. You don't tap to a relationship going sideways with a friend.

00:08:36.740 Rarely do people actually go, you know what? I'm wrong. You're right. And now I'm going to sit with

00:08:45.980 that and figure out how to learn. Rarely do people do that in life. And in jujitsu, we do it all

00:08:52.780 the time over and over again it's it's true and the the tapping that usually i didn't think about

00:08:59.820 that but in life we don't tap we just wait till we get strangled and then our world falls apart

00:09:04.460 yeah that's yeah that's what happens is like you go through a bankruptcy or you go through a

00:09:09.720 divorce or you deal with a crippling medical condition or you deal with some some crisis

00:09:16.360 that could have otherwise been averted because you didn't just tap and learn the lesson you just

00:09:20.780 doubled down and did the same dumb things you've been doing before. And then things fall apart.

00:09:25.420 You're like, what happened? Well, yeah, you had, you had a dozen times to tap and say, Hey, yeah,

00:09:31.000 I, I'm, I can fix this. We can fix this. I, I want to figure out what's going on. I want to get

00:09:35.720 better. And we don't take advantage of it. So that's, that's an interesting analogy.

00:09:39.320 Well, and guess what? A lot of white belts don't tap either. That's why most people quit jujitsu

00:09:44.000 because they they tap a couple times and they're like uh no i'm gonna avoid this situation so i

00:09:51.740 don't have to tap i'm gonna go somewhere else where i don't have to face the music

00:09:57.420 and you know what though because they can't deal with it well i would say conversely i agree with

00:10:02.780 all of that but also conversely sometimes you need to know when not to tap and i found that

00:10:09.580 to be true about jujitsu is like when I first started training somebody would get behind me

00:10:14.760 and wrap their arm around my neck and it was like oh and you freak out and you're like and then you

00:10:20.380 start training a little bit and he gets you in the same position you're like it's not fun it's

00:10:24.840 not comfortable but I'm I'm okay right here you know last night when we were at these hot springs

00:10:30.140 my second son he came up behind me and he got me in a rear naked choke and it was pretty tight and

00:10:37.760 i put my hands in there and it was it was pretty tight and i was like i'm not gonna like it's tight

00:10:43.820 but i'm not gonna like drown or die here and so he what how did it work i can't remember exactly

00:10:50.740 what i did i've turned around and like flipped his hips over and like body slammed him over my

00:10:56.560 head and he's he came up he's like what just happened and he's like how did you do that and

00:11:01.940 i thought to myself well how did i do that oh because i didn't freak out when he had his arms

00:11:07.180 around my neck, but had I not been in that situation ever before in my life, I would

00:11:11.840 have freaked out. And I think this is a really important lesson in life because you're going

00:11:18.300 to have something strangle you, right? Your wife's going to say she wants a divorce. Your

00:11:23.820 boss is going to lay you off. You're going to get in a car accident. You're going to

00:11:26.720 deal with a debilitating medical condition. You're going to lose a loved one. You're going

00:11:31.400 to hurt people inadvertently maybe even on purpose i don't know but um you can't tap

00:11:39.780 in those moments like you have to figure out like this is uncomfortable i don't like this

00:11:45.360 and but i'm okay i'm okay and we can get through this and we can keep fighting and so i think it's

00:11:52.400 a bit of a dichotomy of like do i exercise humility and tap right away or do i just feel

00:11:59.140 the pressure a little bit and see how much of this I can handle and get through on my own.

00:12:03.340 Yeah. I love this. It's confident humility, right? For the guys that have a lot of pride

00:12:10.920 and big ego, Jiu-Jitsu can be the humbling element to help us. But for the victim,

00:12:19.060 you have to not tap so quickly and have some confidence and deal with the struggle

00:12:24.700 and get some perseverance and grit yeah i like it i when you said confident humility that was

00:12:30.700 interesting i i know what you're saying and i also wonder does humility inherently require a

00:12:38.360 level of confidence because i think that most people get humility wrong and we think it's

00:12:44.960 self-deprecating and we beat ourselves up a lot of the times it's performative oh if i act this

00:12:50.420 way. People will think more highly of me, but I believe that being humble actually has an element

00:12:56.840 of confidence embedded into this that, Hey, I'm confident enough to ask for help. I'm confident

00:13:02.800 enough that if I don't know something, I can get some help and figure it out. And I think it's

00:13:06.540 almost not even almost, I think confidence is embedded into humility. Yeah. Or at least it

00:13:12.660 should be. Yeah. There's an element of, of growth mindset in there. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I love

00:13:18.420 we could talk all day julian good question we'll cover five more lessons of life lessons that

00:13:25.220 correlate with jiu-jitsu next week that's right okay what else we got um you know will has a

00:13:30.700 question around peptides i mean i think we've talked about it so much i don't know anything

00:13:35.340 you would like to add i don't know no yeah i don't i don't really i don't know enough to

00:13:42.420 confidently say to confidently have a good opinion on it and anything i say would be

00:13:48.640 take with a huge grain of salt because i don't i don't know yeah i mean i don't even know

00:13:54.400 i'm i'm trying uh bpc 157 and i'm not sure if it's working you know what i mean like i'm like

00:14:04.220 is it a is it a dietary oh okay no no there's ones that are like that for diabetics and stuff

00:14:14.020 where it reduces your appetite and but it doesn't there's new ones i don't know if they're like glp

00:14:18.860 threes or whatever that reduce your appetite but don't waste away muscle development i think

00:14:23.880 there's one i've heard called retitrutide that people use um there's ones we talked about it

00:14:30.680 that will like tan your skin. Like there's crazy stuff there. So I don't know. Just be careful.

00:14:36.140 Yeah. Yeah. It's good stuff. All right. You had some questions. Oh yeah. Do you want to come here

00:14:41.800 too? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Let me pull them up here. All right. So the first one, I thought

00:14:45.600 this one, there's some really good ones in here actually. So the first one is this, this one comes

00:14:51.280 from Kyle Donovan. Okay. Here's what he says. I don't explode, but I carry a low level anger all

00:14:58.800 the time at work at home everywhere where does that actually come from i that is i feel this

00:15:07.240 i actually i don't know that we've ever had this but i wouldn't say it's chronic for me but there's

00:15:13.880 times in my life where it's just i'm angry or bothered or upset and part of it my ex and i

00:15:21.240 used to jokingly say it was my entrepreneurial pms where i would just go through this cycle of

00:15:26.340 just being pissed and you know what i think it is is i think it stems from the integrity gap

00:15:32.960 and i've determined the integrity gap to be the the the gap the space between the way you ideally

00:15:42.720 envision yourself in your life and what you're actually doing to have that life so for example

00:15:51.080 If you see yourself as a fit, capable man, but you're binge drinking on the weekend and you're watching games for hours upon hours, sitting on the couch when you should be picking up a new hobby or taking that course or spending time with your kids, or maybe you really envision yourself as a great father, but your work doesn't allow you to be home and as present as you can.

00:16:17.920 And when you are there, you get frustrated and you retreat and you, you know, wallow

00:16:22.820 because work isn't going so well.

00:16:25.040 And to me, the larger that gap, it's oftentimes very subconscious, but the larger that gap,

00:16:31.160 the more frustrated you're going to feel, the more anger, the more frustration, the

00:16:36.000 more discontent, the more resent, resentment towards maybe other people who you've deemed

00:16:41.920 are the villain in your story.

00:16:43.080 and until you spend some time sitting down

00:16:47.880 and saying, how do I envision myself?

00:16:50.960 Who am I really?

00:16:52.960 Not what I do, not how many kids do I have,

00:16:55.180 not my marital status, not my hobbies and activities,

00:16:58.460 but who am I?

00:16:59.220 If everything was stripped away, who am I?

00:17:02.060 And how do I want to show up

00:17:03.580 in whatever environment that I am?

00:17:06.560 And then you look at it and say,

00:17:08.660 okay, what does that man do?

00:17:10.540 so if you have this version of yourself as a as a good strong devoted family man

00:17:18.400 then ask yourself what what does that guy do well he gets home on time maybe he coaches his kids

00:17:25.940 sports he leads his family in prayer and spirituality i'm just making this could be

00:17:31.460 different for you but this is what it is for me um he's engaged in their educational pursuits

00:17:37.380 he fosters growth and questions and curiosity and hobbies in his children he loves his wife

00:17:46.300 he's devoted and faithful to her he leads her well from a place of making sure she's getting

00:17:52.200 what she needs he provides financially for his family like I could go on forever and then you

00:17:57.640 can take let's say just the top five things and I'll whittle it down so maybe you really wanted

00:18:03.380 to be a want to be a great father to your kids okay five things you spend time with them you

00:18:09.080 ask them questions you coach their sports you attend their activities and you foster their

00:18:15.260 hobbies let's say those five now just rank yourself on a scale from one i'm just making

00:18:20.740 this up for you but on a scale from one to ten rank yourself one being the lowest ten being the

00:18:25.500 highest and if you're scoring fives across the board ask yourself this quarter right now okay

00:18:30.440 I'm going to pick one of those things and I'm going to move from a level five to a level seven

00:18:36.260 in the next 90 days. And maybe that's, um, fostering their hobbies. Okay. What are their

00:18:44.780 hobbies? Well, you better start asking them questions. You better start getting involved.

00:18:48.020 You better start figuring out what they're into so that you can bring elements of, of what they're

00:18:52.580 interested in, in, into your daily schedule. So that's how you start bridging the gap. I know it

00:18:57.140 kind of seems like a detailed process. It's really not, but that's how you bridge the gap.

00:19:01.720 And I feel like the more you do that, the less dissatisfied and less angry, the less frustrated

00:19:06.060 you're going to be because there's a correlation between who you want to be and what you're doing

00:19:09.900 about it. Let me see if I can relate these because I think they are related, even though

00:19:16.900 this may not seem related. So in self-determination theory, they suggest that there are three primary

00:19:24.900 psychological needs of every human. The first is autonomy. The second is competence or growth

00:19:32.700 and mastery. And the third is relatedness and connection. So autonomy, mastery and growth

00:19:41.000 and connection. Where I think these are related is when we are out of integrity, I think we're

00:19:48.260 operating out of a space not aligned with autonomy. Because when I'm not doing what I

00:19:55.820 should be doing, I'm making an excuse of why I'm not doing it. And I'm giving my power usually

00:20:01.880 over to someone else, right? I'm not doing this thing. Why? Well, because Ryan or because of my

00:20:07.840 spouse or what was me in this other area. So I'm actually giving over agency and autonomy over to

00:20:14.760 someone else when you're out of integrity you're giving your power over to someone and so i think

00:20:19.960 that's the correlation between the self-determination theory these unmet psychological

00:20:24.760 needs and integrity it's in this space of autonomy but i love the other two being added to this

00:20:31.520 it is part of human condition to grow am i getting better am i improving i always use this analogy

00:20:39.640 ryan with like archery if you and i grabbed our bows and went out into the field and there's no

00:20:46.560 target and we're like hey let's fleeing arrows we would shoot like two and then we'd be like

00:20:52.720 this is stupid this is dumb we'd find something to shoot at yeah the minute you put a target up

00:20:58.360 we could be busy for hours why is that because as humans we have this innate desire to like

00:21:06.300 improve to get better. And if we're not doing things to improve ourselves, you're going to

00:21:12.580 find yourself frustrated at a congruency, if you want to use that term. And then the last is

00:21:17.840 relatedness. We need connection. It's important, right? And so what are we doing to foster

00:21:23.780 relationships and those kinds of things? Yeah. I think they actually all tie into it. You know,

00:21:28.500 autonomy, you already explained competency comes from working towards a goal and connection is

00:21:34.360 involving other people in the process which i think ties perfectly into what i was sharing

00:21:38.460 earlier i really liked your your idea of getting better at improvement i used to go up to the

00:21:43.600 cabin quite a bit and there was this little there was this gravel driveway and it had little one

00:21:48.120 inch to two inch gravel rock and we would sit around the campfire in the afternoon and we had

00:21:53.580 a white five gallon bucket and we would just throw it out there like at 15 or 20 yards and we would

00:21:58.140 just sit there and try to throw rocks in the bucket and see how many we would sit out there

00:22:02.120 for hours and we were talking and laughing and eating and stuff but we just sit out there for

00:22:05.540 hours trying to throw rocks into this bucket and i think it's exactly what you said you know we all

00:22:10.100 want to target we all want something to shoot for we all want to get better we all want to win

00:22:13.400 in some ways i think i thought that was really good yeah interesting um the next the next one

00:22:19.420 comes from well and and i would also say to kyle like that sucks and and here here's a trip or

00:22:28.660 here's here's the catch when you feel that way you don't want to go out and improve yourself

00:22:36.280 that's the catch that's why it's so hard for guys to get to the point of self-mastery and growth

00:22:42.980 because when they're feeling the consequences of not having that growth and mastering their life

00:22:49.360 it's debilitating in a lot of ways instead of motivating and exciting so you just have to force

00:22:56.300 yourself to do it have men in your corner who are helping you or cheering you on who are kicking you

00:23:00.980 in the pants when you need it have systems in place have goal-oriented processes and sometimes

00:23:07.880 it's just you got to bear down and do it and I tell that a lot to a lot of guys especially as

00:23:12.080 they're going through divorce and dealing with hardships like no you have to force yourself to

00:23:16.280 put yourself out there like you can't sit around just do not allow yourself to do that force

00:23:20.860 yourself to go out so that's kind of the the double-edged sword there um the next one comes

00:23:27.420 from i'm just going through these i'm trying to pick out the best ones i like this question we

00:23:31.280 get asked it a lot but i do like this question paul henderson says what does being a man mean

00:23:36.360 today without it sounding like a cliche i love when they qualify it too it's like well wait so

00:23:43.060 you have rules on my answer okay got it but but this is fair this is fair some good guidance for

00:23:49.800 you. Yeah. Um, no, I think without it sounding like a cliche is important because when I was

00:23:55.660 doing this work 10, 11 years ago, there weren't as nearly as many men talking about it as there

00:24:00.720 is today. I really believe it's, I have a couple of definitions for it. You know, protect, provide,

00:24:07.000 preside is our motto. And I think that's what a man does, but I think even more foundational than

00:24:11.480 that. And so it sounds cliche, but then I'll clean it up for, for Paul is that a man is

00:24:20.660 someone who produces more than he consumes. That's, that's my most base example of what it is.

00:24:32.160 And look, a prerequisite is that you're a biological male. So I don't, I don't have to

00:24:38.100 get into that as much as i did three years ago but yeah you have to be a biological male and then you

00:24:43.980 have to produce more than you consume and by the way i don't think being a man in the context of

00:24:48.700 what we're talking about is some sort of i've achieved it and i always am across every aspect

00:24:53.400 of my life every day i and kip you and other people listening to this podcast are showing up

00:25:00.040 as men in some ways and not showing up as men in other ways so if i go to work and i'm just

00:25:06.700 kicking butt and making my calls and being productive and helping people around the

00:25:12.020 organization and making money and adding value to my clients' lives, I'm being a man. I'm producing

00:25:18.000 more than I consume. But if during the same time, I'm not taking care of my family and I'm not

00:25:26.100 leading them well and I'm not pouring and investing into them, I'm not being a man in that regard.

00:25:31.440 And those two things can exist simultaneously. The adage that the way you do one thing is the

00:25:37.680 way you do everything is not always accurate. Because I know plenty of men who are kicking

00:25:42.640 butt in certain aspects of life and not doing so great in others. Why is that? And how do you

00:25:47.960 translate where you're really dominating life into the aspects of life that you're not?

00:25:52.180 But what I think a man ought to do is take raw resources and turn them into productive tools for

00:26:01.120 the betterment of himself and his people you know you think about the the wood that goes into a home

00:26:07.000 and it was a man who decided to chop that tree down and saw it into certain sizes and fabricate

00:26:13.680 and construct it in a way that made a home for the woman in his life that was a man a man did that

00:26:19.580 if you have an idea and it's just ruminating in your brain and you're just sitting on this

00:26:25.220 business idea that you wanted to do it's your job as a man to take that and turn it into something

00:26:31.000 directive and positive and productive in your life and the lives of the people you love and

00:26:34.920 care about. So this is also why I've seen 14-year-olds, males, who are acting more like

00:26:42.260 men than some 40, 45, 50-year-old males that I know because they're just producing more than

00:26:48.040 they consume. And why is it that we often talk about how men became men so much earlier 100

00:26:52.600 years ago? Because they didn't have a choice as to whether or not they produced. They had to

00:26:58.000 produce in order to stay alive. We had sons going out into the field, tilling the land and building

00:27:04.080 and selling. Young men, fathers, they're dying in war. And so they had to then become the provider

00:27:12.060 for the house. That's manly behavior. Anybody would say that. Yeah. I love it. Hey, what do

00:27:18.740 you think about going back and forth on questions? I got one for us. Okay. Yeah, sure. Good. Okay.

00:27:23.080 so Derek Mullins I've provided for my family for 15 years but my wife says she doesn't feel

00:27:30.560 close to me anymore how does a man fix emotional distance without losing who he is

00:27:36.940 well why would why would being emotionally present make you lose who you are I know

00:27:47.100 maybe he feels like he has to give yeah but like it's the assumption that he he has to

00:27:52.740 give up maybe these things that he feels is valuable right for better emotional connection

00:27:58.000 maybe yeah and and i'm delaying like that on purpose yeah what's more important that that

00:28:09.560 you cling on to whatever you're clinging on to or that you open yourself up to the possibility of

00:28:15.900 doing something new so you can maintain the relationship with your wife yeah you're gonna

00:28:20.500 to have to give some things up you're going to have to engage in different behavior you're going

00:28:23.660 to have to share some things that maybe aren't comfortable for you to share you're going to have

00:28:27.480 to have difficult conversations um i would start with asking her what that means this emotional

00:28:34.200 connection she's telling you hey i don't feel what was the word present or i don't feel close

00:28:38.540 to you what what what word did she use yeah close yeah what does that mean babe when when i when you

00:28:45.740 say close what exactly do you mean by that well I just want you here okay here doing what like is

00:28:52.660 it here and just present is it doing projects around the house is it taking you on dates is it

00:28:58.020 having deep and meaningful conversations is it talking about the future is it exploring the

00:29:02.560 concerns we have is it exploring intimacy in the bedroom like what does that what does that actually

00:29:07.560 look like and I think if you're receptive to what she tells you and here's here's a few things that

00:29:13.900 I want you to be careful of whatever she says this goes for everybody whenever you're asking

00:29:19.660 for feedback or critique don't ever ever rationalize or justify we learned this really

00:29:30.060 simple phrase when I went through basic training so I was 17 18 years old and I had done a little

00:29:35.540 bit of drilling with my national guard unit in southern Utah before I went to basic training and

00:29:39.460 some of the guys were helping me and two of my buddies from high school figure out what we needed

00:29:43.780 do to get through basic successfully and they said something that saved me many times they said hey

00:29:50.660 just get really used to the phrase no excuses drill sergeant and so there were a couple instances i

00:29:57.480 remember i was getting chewed out by a drill sergeant i don't remember what it's what it was

00:30:00.940 for and he said something like you know why the f did you do that and i just said no excuses drill

00:30:06.120 sergeant and he just stopped and his whole demeanor changed he's like all right don't do it again and

00:30:12.820 then left and went and picked on somebody else and that concept is true for you if your wife

00:30:19.540 is telling you hey you're not present and you're not we're not close anymore you've done an amazing

00:30:25.260 job providing this life for us but i don't even feel like i know you anymore then you you can't

00:30:32.640 say to her well it's because and then fill in the blank with your reason of choice she already knows

00:30:37.600 what she wants to know is are you a man who's capable of making adjustments and pivots along

00:30:44.800 the way to recapture what she signed up for and she doesn't want to hear your bullcrap about well

00:30:51.080 you know i did this and you don't appreciate is that going to open her up or close her off

00:30:55.420 it's going to close her off so don't rationalize and justify say okay yeah that makes sense i can

00:31:02.380 see that. I can understand that. I can appreciate where you're coming from. And so, you know,

00:31:08.220 here's some things I can do that I would like to do. And what would you like to see from me?

00:31:12.480 And explore it together and then just lean into it. But I don't, when you say, I don't want to

00:31:17.820 lose myself, you better, you better lose. Well, I'll say it this way. You better shed the current

00:31:24.960 version of who you are. Like the snake that sheds its skin for something new to grow.

00:31:31.200 you better do that otherwise you'll lose her and then in a year you'll come to me and you'll say

00:31:36.560 what do i do when i'm going through a divorce well you should have taken the advice that we

00:31:41.660 shared earlier which is to become a different version of yourself you know one thing that

00:31:47.940 comes to mind for eric for derek is make sure this isn't about just her request i mean i would

00:31:55.760 probably bet that if you sit down and say, Hey, is our marriage amazing right now? You'd probably

00:32:02.780 go, um, actually it's not. And she's right. We're not as close, right? Like make it yours, like

00:32:09.440 make the improvement of the marriage, the thing that you want, not the thing that she wants.

00:32:15.380 And you're appeasing her that's compliance, right? And we've talked about this before. It's like,

00:32:20.300 get committed to the idea. Do you want an amazing marriage, Derek? You do? Okay. Awesome.

00:32:28.120 Take some initiative, right? What does that look like for her? What does it look like for you?

00:32:32.380 Right. And, and step into it fully, not just be compliant and trying to appease her. Otherwise

00:32:38.120 you're just going to end up having some passive aggressive behavior with all the things that

00:32:43.320 she's asking you to do. And you're going to punish her for all the changes that you're making.

00:32:48.420 That's not going to work either. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Good point. All right. So let's go to

00:32:55.440 Garrett. This is Garrett Lowe. He says, I'm back in the dating world and it feels like a game I

00:33:03.040 don't want to play, but I also don't want to be alone. How do you stay grounded without becoming

00:33:08.300 cynical? Yeah, this is tough because I'm in the, I'm in the dating world as well. And it is a

00:33:14.060 challenge man it's like people when people are a blank slate you they can become anything they

00:33:24.080 want and so can you and it's largely shaped by our experience it's only shaped by our experiences

00:33:30.620 and then our interpretation of them so when you're young and I got married at 23 I was young

00:33:36.780 and impressionable and my ex-wife was young and impressionable and we learned together

00:33:41.760 there wasn't any we didn't know anything about life other than what we had seen with our parents

00:33:47.940 and other experiences that we had but as we went through stuff good and bad we did it together and

00:33:52.400 we became largely who we were as a result of each other and then you get into the dating world and

00:33:59.600 that's not true at all that person became who they are without you and you became who you are

00:34:06.700 without her and so now you're trying to come into this environment where you have two completely

00:34:12.180 different people who don't know each other who don't communicate the same who have never learned

00:34:17.280 from each other who have never learned about each other and you're both hard-headed and you're both

00:34:23.540 carrying around a bunch of baggage because you've been burned and hurt and you've done bad things

00:34:27.500 and you're trying to make that work like it's good good luck right and i think it requires two

00:34:35.020 really open-minded people that want to make something work and are willing to get through

00:34:42.040 hard things and that's one of the biggest problems with dating culture now especially with the rise

00:34:47.340 of dating apps and online stuff is that it's just way easier to walk away like one person messes up

00:34:54.840 does something that maybe is not really horrible but not good either and so I think it used to be

00:35:04.520 that people were like well yeah you're an idiot and so let's work through it and now it's like oh

00:35:10.760 you're an idiot let me get back on my dating app because i'll just have a date tonight that's that's

00:35:16.480 a challenge because of how abundant it is just to find a date and find somebody to to fill fill a

00:35:22.180 need um so here's what i would say i would say and kip i i'd be curious if your response not only in

00:35:30.500 dating, but in marriage would be the same or where it might change. But here's what I would say.

00:35:35.400 Number one, know what you want. If you know what you want, then there's fewer games you need to

00:35:42.500 play because the minute that she starts deviating from what you want, not that she's malicious or

00:35:49.720 bad, but she just may not be able to give you what you want. And then you can just say, Hey,

00:35:55.080 this is not going to work for me. And that's a really great position to be in, but you can't do

00:35:59.540 that unless you know exactly what you want. So what are you looking for in a partner? Do you

00:36:04.560 want to get married again? Do you not want to get married again? Do you guys want to have kids? Do

00:36:08.100 you not want to have kids? What's your spiritual goals, financially related? And I'm not saying

00:36:15.400 you need to do this on date one, but these are things that you need to run through in a litmus

00:36:18.920 test to figure out if this is a person that you align well with. And if not, it's like, hey,

00:36:23.040 I had a good time with you, but this is not going to work for us. Um, number two, and I haven't

00:36:29.640 always been this way and I've messed it up even today is you have to be able to communicate that

00:36:33.700 to, to, to a potential partner. And that means that there's going to be uncomfortable conversations

00:36:39.640 about whether or not you're exclusive or whether or not you're still dating, what else you might

00:36:45.140 be doing, what other conversations you're having. And I haven't always been good at that. I mess up

00:36:51.980 on that. Um, because I don't want to hurt people and for self-preservation, but it's really

00:36:57.700 important that you do that because you need to give that person to go back to what you were

00:37:03.000 saying, the autonomy that they need to make their own choices with accurate information.

00:37:09.780 And if you, if you are being somebody who you're not, even if that person falls in love with you,

00:37:18.480 it's not going to last because the minute that the gloves come off or the minute you get past

00:37:25.760 that honeymoon phase of dating the real her is going to be revealed the real you is going to

00:37:30.880 be revealed and you just wasted six months a year two years of your life because you were being fake

00:37:36.060 or she was so i think that's the biggest thing is know exactly what you want and then just be

00:37:42.700 honest with people, have those conversations. And yeah, that's what I would say.

00:37:49.480 This might go without saying, but it's advice I give my older boys. Cause I, I have some boys that

00:37:54.900 are 26, 24 and 22, right? So they're all in the middle of this. And the recommendation I give them

00:38:04.800 too, is don't, don't operate from any place other than accepting the person for exactly who they are

00:38:12.220 right now. Yeah. And it's weird how we don't do that. We, we, we kind of like see the great in

00:38:19.080 them. And then we like, I don't know, romanticize, like how they're going to evolve into this better

00:38:27.340 person than they are today. You know, it's like, dude, do not do that. Right. Like she's crazy.

00:38:33.200 She's whatever. Okay. Are you okay with it? Assuming that it's not going to get any easier

00:38:38.020 and you take it all for what it is

00:38:40.800 and all the messy of who she is right now.

00:38:44.360 And if you can do that,

00:38:45.340 then that's a good place to operate.

00:38:47.500 And that goes both ways

00:38:48.520 because a lot of girls may be choosing to date you

00:38:52.240 with this expectation that you're gonna level up

00:38:55.460 and be someone that you're not.

00:38:58.060 And that doesn't feel like love.

00:39:00.300 That's a yucky place to feel

00:39:02.320 when someone's affection and emotional state towards you

00:39:06.680 is dependent on you being different than who you are right now.

00:39:11.240 And I'm not saying we shouldn't always be evolving and changing.

00:39:14.280 It's just don't base a relationship on that.

00:39:16.540 Otherwise, you're going to be upset.

00:39:18.080 Well, especially when you're older.

00:39:19.660 Again, when you're young and you're dating your first girlfriend

00:39:23.120 or the woman who's going to be your wife,

00:39:25.200 and that's your first real significance.

00:39:27.880 Yeah, I mean, she's going to change 100%.

00:39:30.360 She's going to change, for better or worse, and so are you.

00:39:33.060 Yeah.

00:39:33.640 But when you're 40, 50, 60 years old,

00:39:36.680 bro you're not changing you are not changing and neither is she so deal with it or or don't

00:39:46.020 and make those choices all right i got one here um this one comes from

00:39:51.000 cole ramsey he says how do you lead your wife when she's stronger than you in certain areas

00:39:57.500 i actually i like this question too um and she and she probably will be because all human beings

00:40:03.980 have strengths and weaknesses. I think the premise of the question, just asking, is good because you

00:40:10.600 recognize and acknowledge that she is better at some things than you are. And that's great. You

00:40:15.200 probably married a wonderful woman. If she wasn't better at you in some areas, why would you be in

00:40:20.600 a relationship with her? I mean, isn't that the point? If you strip everything else away of a

00:40:25.520 relationship, she's going to make me better. She's going to make my life better in some way. And in

00:40:30.300 exchange, I'm going to make her life better in some way. If that wasn't the case, don't be in

00:40:35.440 a relationship together. So I think you can lead by acknowledging where she's strong and asking her

00:40:41.420 to manage that side of the relationship. So for example, if she's just better with money than you

00:40:46.940 are, then she's the financial advisor of the house. That's okay. And so you talk to her, hey, babe,

00:40:52.620 you know what? We've struggled with money. We have money arguments and you know, I'm a spender and

00:40:57.760 you're way more disciplined than I am and you track it and I'm not really attentive to details

00:41:02.180 and I think it makes sense for you to be the financial advisor of the house and you're going

00:41:06.700 to be doing the budgeting and the tracking and the this and the that and how do you feel about that

00:41:10.060 and then I'll I'll work with you and I'll make sure I operate in the constraints and the confines of

00:41:16.660 what we've agreed and how is that and she'd be like yeah cool that sounds good that's leading

00:41:20.900 you just led the conversation you put somebody in the place that they're suited to be that makes

00:41:29.220 the situation better that is the core of leadership i think it's as simple as that figure out what

00:41:35.620 she's good at get her buy into it plug her into the places where she's good and follow her lead

00:41:41.040 in that regard and i think she'll also acknowledge that in you too ryan where do we balance because

00:41:48.480 this is, this is a great question because it, it comes up a lot in the IC over the years around

00:41:54.000 the term preside. And sometimes there's a pendulum that swings here and guys will say,

00:42:02.060 um, you know, the wife's going to run point on kids education and then guys wash their hands of

00:42:10.480 it. And it's like out of sight, out of mind, I'm no longer involved. Right. And then they're not

00:42:20.380 leading really. Right. They've, they've just, they've not even delegated. They've straight up

00:42:25.360 just ignored that part of, of the house. And so how do we address that? Or let's talk through

00:42:31.680 that a little bit. So this is a good example because I actually did what you were saying

00:42:36.880 when I was married so we decided that we were gonna have the kids be homeschooled and because

00:42:43.080 I was working she was gonna be responsible for education and she did all the research she got

00:42:48.860 all the documentation she bought all the books and the courses and she went to the homeschooling

00:42:52.820 conferences and did all the things and I did none of it and my justification and rationalization was

00:42:59.500 like well no that's her responsibility I'm working so I don't need to be involved in that and I wish

00:43:03.760 I would have done it differently I could have been in a decision making process when it came

00:43:08.380 to what curriculum we were using I could have went to the homeschooling conference with her

00:43:12.540 and then she asked me one time she said hey will you just take over on Wednesday and do the science

00:43:19.080 portion of the curriculum I'm like yeah well I'll do that and I didn't do it and then a couple weeks

00:43:26.060 later she's like hey like really it would be it would be helpful for me if you did that I'm like

00:43:29.460 yeah I'll do it and then I didn't do it and I did that for probably a year or two and then

00:43:38.080 we were in the process of going through our divorce and that was one of the things that

00:43:44.260 I remembered I'm like oh yeah she wanted me to do that and I started doing it a little too little

00:43:49.280 too late but I started doing it every Wednesday or Tuesday whatever day it was and I would put

00:43:55.460 together the curriculum and I'd create experiments and I loved it, man. Like I had so much fun doing

00:44:01.240 that with the kids and we built racetracks and we did science experiments and mixed chemicals

00:44:07.760 together and built volcanoes. Like it was awesome. And I just thought to myself, you know, I wish I

00:44:13.520 would have just taken that on a little bit more, not only because it would have been good for the

00:44:17.020 relationship, but because it was good for me and the kids to do that together. And so there are

00:44:22.480 ways for you to still be involved in whatever process that is without having to take point on

00:44:27.920 it again if it's the finances you can still have a money meeting with your wife every week and say

00:44:32.980 hey babe how are we doing on uh income how are we doing on debt how are we doing on spending what

00:44:38.340 expenses oh the kids have braces coming up cool what are we going to do there how are we going

00:44:42.480 to fund it how can i help how can i support what do you need from me you can still do those things

00:44:48.500 without having to be in charge of it.

00:44:51.260 Does that help?

00:44:52.800 Yeah, that's perfect.

00:44:54.120 It's perfect.

00:44:54.860 Because I think that's, I mean, we all run that risk, right?

00:44:58.220 I've done it before, you've done it.

00:45:00.120 Well, a lot of us do it.

00:45:01.120 And we're not presiding in that example.

00:45:04.100 We're just washing our hands of it, right?

00:45:06.880 And we're not being supportive.

00:45:08.500 And on the flip side of that pendulum is,

00:45:11.060 well, and there's a little bit in this question of like,

00:45:14.260 well, how do I lead my wife when she's better?

00:45:16.000 Well, great leadership isn't doing it all.

00:45:18.500 great leadership is empowering others to lead right and you presiding and supporting them in

00:45:25.000 it right that's great leadership right so great leaders don't do everything they make sure

00:45:31.120 everything gets done yeah everything has to be handled but a great leader doesn't do it all

00:45:37.860 yeah totally all right i got a question for us uh for you cole barrett so my teenage son won't

00:45:45.740 talk to me. I try, but he shuts down every conversation. How do I stay in his life without

00:45:51.460 pushing him further away? Um, man, this is, this is a tough one. Cause I've, I deal with this and

00:46:00.480 I have dealt with it where there's that friction and that gap. And all I can say is that you have

00:46:05.920 to do what you can do and let the chips fall where they may that, that son or daughter, did he say

00:46:10.900 son. Son. And it might just be a season, right? It could be, you know, I don't, I don't know what

00:46:16.580 he's going through. I don't know what he's dealing with. I don't, a teenage son, if he's 13, maybe

00:46:21.080 he's hitting puberty and that's getting weird. Maybe he's 17 and he's just like ready to be out

00:46:24.860 of the house. I don't know what the issue is. So consider that like what season in life is he at

00:46:30.540 right now? And then try to find ways to relate in, in his way. Cause what I've noticed is a lot of

00:46:36.380 fathers they do want to relate with their kids but they won't make the effort to relate in the

00:46:41.180 way their kid relates and so they'll say hey you want to come play football with me and your son

00:46:45.020 doesn't like football that's not gonna work but if he's sitting there in the um on the couch and

00:46:54.260 he's playing a video game just say hey bud can i come play with you and he might be like what like

00:47:02.740 that's weird. I'm like, yeah, can I just like, show me what you're doing? What, like I'll play

00:47:07.300 and play Madden with him or Fortnite. I don't know what games there are, but like, go, go play

00:47:13.380 whatever you're going to play and just do that. I would say this too. I fell into this trap and my

00:47:19.020 son, my oldest son called me out on it one time. He's like, dad, anytime you want to have a serious

00:47:25.040 conversation with me, you trap me before you do it. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like,

00:47:31.340 well like if we're in the car together you want to start having a serious conversation and i'm

00:47:36.600 just stuck there like i can't get away from it and i was like oh do i do that and i started to

00:47:42.700 analyze like oh yeah i definitely do that yeah and and so that's one thing you have to be careful

00:47:48.380 of and also i would say not every conversation needs to be intense and serious in fact where

00:47:53.840 you're at right now probably shouldn't be intense and or serious that's why i suggest just go sit

00:47:59.820 down and play video games with him and talk crap to each other while you're doing it. I think you're

00:48:04.580 going to get much further that way than trying to have deep and meaningful conversations about what

00:48:11.560 he's going to do after high school. And when you say my son won't talk to me, I don't know to what

00:48:17.220 degree you're saying. Are you saying he won't even acknowledge you? Or are you saying that he won't

00:48:21.540 talk to you the way you want to have conversations, but it's not really about you. It's about him

00:48:28.000 because i'd be willing to bet unless he doesn't live there with you that he will talk with you

00:48:32.960 it's just what is it that you're talking about and be be keen to that be aware of that

00:48:39.120 totally yeah i was thinking i had this thought last week that trust and influence requires

00:48:46.340 proximity yeah and sometimes we're not creating enough of it right to be able to have influence

00:48:55.580 So this reminds me of, um, our son, Kiave, it was really great.

00:49:00.220 Um, not at the time it was a really, it's a great story now, but it's rough to, to think

00:49:04.720 back about this, but we were having a really hard time with him.

00:49:09.480 And he actually, we shipped him off to Anasazi.

00:49:13.860 Anybody listening, it's a trail guide.

00:49:15.860 You know what I'm talking about, but it's three months in the wilderness, legit wilderness.

00:49:21.700 Like he had a bed roll and his food was like mentos, flour, a little bit of tang and some rice, all uncooked.

00:49:32.680 And to cook his food, he had to learn how to make a fire with a hand drill before he could eat his food.

00:49:43.420 And more or less, they hiked on a trail every single day for three months straight.

00:49:48.200 That's what we did to our kid, right?

00:49:49.960 Because we're like, he's broken.

00:49:51.940 He's the problem.

00:49:52.880 And it was so great, Ryan, because we drive him down to Arizona.

00:49:56.860 We drop him off.

00:49:58.460 We, all these moms are just losing it, right?

00:50:00.860 They say goodbye to all these kids, the kids leave and they pull his parents into the room

00:50:05.220 and they say, now you guys all thought that you dropped your kids off because they're

00:50:09.740 the problem.

00:50:10.800 But the reality of it is you're the problem.

00:50:14.180 And we just moved your kids away from you so you could fix you.

00:50:17.760 and it was awesome and the experience was amazing and this is the synopsis number one we saw him as

00:50:25.460 a problem and when your mindset around someone is a problem it shows up in your behavior right

00:50:32.520 so your wayward son is a moron and you think he's an issue and he makes you look bad and he's

00:50:39.880 disrespecting it's about you and it's about you everything that you do whether it's playing catch

00:50:45.620 or playing video games might come across

00:50:47.640 like just manipulation.

00:50:49.220 You're just doing it to try to change him.

00:50:52.300 You don't see him, right?

00:50:54.040 So mindset is critical.

00:50:55.880 Second, proximity and connection.

00:50:59.220 Are you putting in the reps?

00:51:01.300 And the reps of what?

00:51:02.360 Not changing, just the reps of a relationship.

00:51:06.120 How is he doing?

00:51:07.260 What's his world look like?

00:51:08.740 What's important to him?

00:51:09.640 Why all strictly to understand not to be understood, right?

00:51:15.160 you're just learning about him. And after all that, you might be in a position of influence

00:51:21.980 to correct and coach, but it requires capital, right? That we have to have with our kids. And

00:51:29.140 often when we have a difficult relationship with the teenager, we think that we need to correct

00:51:35.980 them first, that they need to change their behavior. They need to do these things and

00:51:40.280 then we'll have a stronger relationship with them. It doesn't work that way because that will do the

00:51:47.140 complete opposite. It will push them away because all they feel is that you don't see them. You

00:51:52.220 don't love them. You don't appreciate them. You're just trying to change them. And so any attempt on

00:51:58.740 your part will be met with resistance. It's well said, man. I had this experience over the weekend

00:52:08.200 with my sons, my oldest son in particular. And he asked, I put together a lot of like the merch,

00:52:14.780 the swag and the uniforms and the marketing, the marketing director, Ryan Mitchell, the marketing

00:52:20.940 director. You know, what's crazy. I said that I said, chief marketing officer on a post.

00:52:26.240 I said, I'm the, I take my job as chief marketing officer for my son's high school lacrosse team

00:52:31.660 very seriously. And then the next paragraph was like, except for, they don't call me their chief

00:52:36.060 marketing officer i don't get paid and they usually just say hey you will you order this

00:52:40.680 so i made this post and some guy read the first line he's like this is ridiculous he's like people

00:52:48.360 are calling themselves chief marketing officers of their high school team and you're trying to

00:52:52.740 lead your kid but you're taking i'm like bro you sound like an idiot read the second paragraph

00:52:57.480 he sounds so dumb right now and he never responded back but anyways i went over to their locker room

00:53:04.800 the coach asked me to come to their locker room and I love coaching young men I think it's such

00:53:10.260 an important part and I do that because I had really good coaches when I was a young man that

00:53:14.100 helped transition and transform my life and so I was bringing their stickers because I their decals

00:53:19.960 for their helmets because I thought this would be a cool design and we put some custom decals

00:53:23.380 together and the coach asked me to come over and talk with them and say a few words and I kind of

00:53:29.320 got after them the the goalie i got after because he started to blame his team he's like these guys

00:53:35.240 i'm like whoa whoa whoa stop these guys it's you you're the one missing you're the one making bad

00:53:42.600 clears like what does that have to do with your team and everybody's kind of like like sheepish

00:53:49.120 like watching and then he's gonna call me out next yeah and so later after the game they actually

00:53:55.980 played a really really good game and my son my oldest son he's like dad you know something

00:54:00.600 i'm like what he's like you're a real jerk

00:54:03.040 and and he said but you know what else i appreciate it because our team needed that from you

00:54:10.560 and i think that wouldn't have happened two or three years ago he would have just said you're

00:54:18.740 a jerk and period yeah and i wouldn't have got the second half of that equation because he wouldn't

00:54:24.940 have seen it that way. I think the way that he sees it now after two to three years of really

00:54:29.800 hard work on building relationship with him is that he sees that, yeah, I can be intense and I

00:54:35.140 can be in your face and I can be assertive and maybe sometimes go over the line and get a little

00:54:40.540 too aggressive that way. But he knows I love him and I care about him and I'm doing it from a place

00:54:45.580 of wanting the boys to do well. And he only knows that because I've spent three years, well, his

00:54:51.820 whole life but the last three years in particular really pouring into him really learning about him

00:54:57.680 really asking him questions really trying to figure out who he is as a human being

00:55:02.320 and um it's come a long way and so that's why our sons can acknowledge that maybe we're imperfect

00:55:08.720 and still i appreciate what you're trying to do now granted he's he's very mature for his age

00:55:14.820 but and that might be part of it but um it was just kind of an interesting experience and that

00:55:19.880 goes back to the trust and credibility if i didn't have that with him he wouldn't have been happy with

00:55:24.840 the way i showed up for the team he would have been upset he would have been bothered so yeah

00:55:28.900 anyways um i got another did you have something to say on that kid nope nope okay i got another

00:55:34.260 question here this one comes from ryan caldwell very similar um i thought that's why this one

00:55:39.140 would be good he says i catch myself being more patient with strangers than my own kids

00:55:44.100 and then he said how do i fix that without feeling like i'm being a fraud so i think he's got a

00:55:49.420 little bit of imposter syndrome going on here, but I would say there's a really simple three-part

00:55:54.340 formula that you can use. So it's very simple. Number one, communicate with people how you're

00:56:01.100 going to change. So if you're going to change, you have to tell them you're going to change

00:56:06.240 because if you don't tell them, they'll be confused. They might be bothered. They might

00:56:13.060 disengage because they don't know what you don't know what's going on. Yeah. What in the world is

00:56:16.960 happening. So you, so you always tell people who are impacted by your changes, how you're going to

00:56:21.200 be changing. Okay. Then you actually change. You do the work and you show up and you'd be better

00:56:30.180 than you were yesterday. And then you review with them and you get their feedback. And then you keep

00:56:38.580 working on it in a cycle. That's it. Tell them, do it, get feedback. Tell them, do it, get feedback.

00:56:44.280 tell them do it get feedback so in this case and I'll tell you why I think you're doing that

00:56:48.360 um because I do it too I think all of us do it but in this case I would go to my kids and I would

00:56:54.860 say to my kids hey guys you know what I'm realizing something um I've been doing a lot of reflection

00:56:59.640 and I'm not real patient with you guys and it I know it's hurting you I know you think like you're

00:57:06.480 you're not important or that strangers are more important than you they're not but I could see

00:57:10.180 why you would feel that way. And I just want to let you know that when I get frustrated with you

00:57:14.080 guys, um, or I get upset that you're not doing what you need to be doing, I'm going to be less

00:57:19.980 harsh. I'm going to be less reactive. I'm not going to raise my voice with you guys. And I'm

00:57:27.680 going to really just work on being more kind and patient with you. And it would mean a lot to me

00:57:36.180 if you would hold me accountable to that.

00:57:40.660 So if you see me doing things that feel good to you,

00:57:44.960 even though there might be correction,

00:57:46.060 then you can say that and you can tell me.

00:57:47.760 And if you see me getting frustrated,

00:57:49.380 it's okay for you to say,

00:57:50.380 hey dad, I think you're getting frustrated

00:57:51.680 or you're getting mad

00:57:52.360 and I'll respond positively and encouraging to that.

00:57:56.000 And they get their buy-in on it or not.

00:57:58.240 Maybe they don't believe you

00:57:59.040 and they might have reason not to believe you,

00:58:00.680 but at least now they know what you're doing.

00:58:03.160 And then you start changing

00:58:04.260 and you start adopting that behavior

00:58:05.820 and after 30 days or 60 days or 90 days you're like hey you know you remember when i and you

00:58:12.160 don't have to wait by the way to have this conversation if there's a conversation in the

00:58:15.280 moment maybe it's a situation you normally would have got heated with them on you could once the

00:58:21.500 once the situation calms down maybe the next day you might say hey bud you know yesterday i was

00:58:27.140 getting frustrated uh with some behavior and i know you were frustrated too how did i handle that

00:58:32.660 for you relative to the old way i would have done it i think that's a great question to ask

00:58:38.360 and they're gonna say yeah you know that i could see you're bothered and you're getting mad but

00:58:42.940 you actually like didn't yell and you didn't get frustrated you just corrected and then everything

00:58:47.840 was fine ideally that's what you'd want right and so that's it that's the three-part formula

00:58:53.720 but i i think there's some reasons why i did want to share this there's probably some reasons why

00:58:57.980 this is happening and i can think of two but there's probably probably more number one is

00:59:02.180 you're more patient with strangers because you really care about your reputation and how you're

00:59:06.100 perceived so there's definitely some ego there you don't care so much maybe about the way your

00:59:11.380 kids perceive you because they don't really have a choice and it is what it is they're not going

00:59:15.340 anywhere right there's also there's also the you know the power of proximity but in reverse where

00:59:23.260 it's like they you see everything about the way that they show up and all the little jerk behaviors

00:59:28.640 and all the little nuances that piss you off you don't really see that in strangers because not

00:59:34.940 only are you on your best behavior strangers are on their best behavior too so let's acknowledge

00:59:39.880 the fact that strangers are easy to be patient with because they're trying to be helpful for

00:59:45.340 the most part because that's how strangers typically act and then the third and i actually

00:59:51.040 think this is a redeeming quality so just make sure you're funneling it correctly is you just

00:59:55.160 care about your kids and you expect the best of them you expect them to do the right things you

01:00:00.500 expect them to show up well you expect them to obey you expect them to all the things that you

01:00:05.440 ought to expect of them you're just probably responding in a way that's harmful not helpful

01:00:11.980 but you're at the core of it at least in that aspect is actually a good thing just make sure

01:00:19.260 your actions are in alignment with your desire. Yeah. Yeah. I love that last statement. I think

01:00:25.820 I would probably suggest that most of the time when our actions are not in alignment with what's

01:00:33.760 best for our kids is because we're focused on a tactical win and not a long-term strategy of

01:00:40.640 what's best for your kid. So if, if I'm upset at my kids, it's because the room's not being clean,

01:00:48.040 but what's my goal? Am I what the gatekeep, the director of clean rooms or am I a father raising

01:00:57.300 kids? Oh God, I'm her father raising kids. Oh, got it. So my priority is what? How do I raise

01:01:03.720 a child to learn? Not necessarily get a room clean. Okay. I've lost perspective of what I

01:01:10.100 should be focused on. So don't lose perspective of being a father in the sake of these tactical

01:01:16.800 wins and these nuances, a clean house or then, you know, whatever it is, most of the time it's,

01:01:24.320 it's, it's not the strategic thing we're upset about. It's because we're, we're focused on the

01:01:29.080 wrong thing. Um, and then the other thing for me just as a, I don't know why I feel like bringing

01:01:34.520 this up. I always lose my patience when I'm multitasking. Always. Yeah. It's always when

01:01:41.980 I'm trying to do more things than I should. And, and I'm not being present with my children and

01:01:50.040 I'm trying, I'm trying to check the box of being present with them while I do something else.

01:01:55.540 So for me personally, I just have to stop doing the other thing and go, you know what? Screw it.

01:02:01.460 Whatever the thing is that I'm stressed out about that needs to get done. I'll worry about it later.

01:02:06.100 and I'm going to wear the hat of dad a hundred percent. And usually it goes a hundred percent

01:02:11.080 better whenever I do that. Yeah. Or, I mean, even if you need a minute, then just tell your kids,

01:02:16.680 Hey, I need a minute. Like, yeah. And I've done that where maybe I need to make a call or an

01:02:21.560 email or a text or something. And my youngest is like, Hey dad, will you sit down with me?

01:02:27.180 I want to sit down with him. Of course I want to do that. And so I'm like, yeah, bud,

01:02:31.680 give me five minutes it's you know 10 30 right now give me until 10 45 and at 10 45 i'll come

01:02:38.940 sit down with you and then you actually have to sit down with them at 10 45 so finish your stuff

01:02:44.380 up and then go sit down with them and then connect the dots it's like see bud now we can be fully

01:02:49.280 present i just had to do that real quick here i am 10 minutes later what do you want to do

01:02:53.220 connect the dots for them yeah all right i got one more it worked well yeah say it again i was

01:02:58.820 going to say they work well in that situation i do that with the six-year-old playing catch in

01:03:03.580 the backyard all the time and i and i just super clear concise bud we got 15 minutes to play catch

01:03:10.200 and after 15 i go to go to back to work good yep and if i communicate that up front when we're done

01:03:16.520 playing catch he's not upset right it's when i don't communicate it and i'm like oh i've got

01:03:20.540 back to work oh no and i'm like that's bad communication on my part more than him being

01:03:26.040 upset. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I got one more. Do you mind if I share this one?

01:03:31.500 Sure. Okay. Um, this is from Jordan Hayes. He says, I'm working, I'm paying bills,

01:03:37.980 I'm staying out of trouble, but I don't feel like I'm building anything meaningful in my life.

01:03:44.360 How do you know what direction to go when nothing is really pulling on you?

01:03:48.780 and i the reason i i liked this question is i was watching my neighbor over the past week and a half

01:03:56.860 to two weeks he's building a new shop next door and he's had this lot for a long time and he had

01:04:05.140 to pull a fence out of there he does a lot of his own work so he pulled a fence out and then he dug

01:04:10.820 a big hole and then he backfilled it with the right kind of dirt and compound i don't know the

01:04:15.620 process i'm not a i'm not a builder but he he did all of this work and so here we are two weeks

01:04:20.740 later it looks the same as it did two weeks earlier it looks the exact same unless anybody

01:04:29.460 had seen him doing that over the past two weeks they drive by and say oh there's the empty lot

01:04:33.480 again and it looks the exact same but it's not it's not the exact same and eventually he's going

01:04:40.360 to start pouring footings and he's going to pour the foundation and it's going to be boring. And

01:04:45.860 they're going to have to wait for the concrete to dry. And they're going to have to put rebar down

01:04:49.300 and like do all the things that are not so glamorous. And it really isn't until they get

01:04:53.240 a month, two months, three months into the project where the frame starts to get erected and the

01:05:00.080 electricals going in and the siding is going on where you actually begin to see like, oh,

01:05:05.440 this is exciting. And I bring that up because when you're young or maybe even not so young

01:05:11.200 and you're making all of the right moves, it doesn't feel like the needle is moving. And so

01:05:16.880 there's nothing tangible to grasp onto. But what you're doing is if you're working, paying bills,

01:05:22.980 staying out of trouble, instead of looking at it as you not doing anything, I would start looking

01:05:27.200 at it as you building the foundation for a successful life. Because you're right. You may

01:05:32.540 not have anything right now that pulls on you and sometimes that's just life but if you have to have

01:05:37.980 something exciting to pull on you for you to do good work then there's going to be aspects of your

01:05:44.040 life that you're not going to be real thrilled about because sometimes that's just what it means

01:05:49.240 to be a man is to do good work regardless of what's happening around you but here's what i'll

01:05:54.600 tell you if you don't do the things that you're talking about working paying bills staying out of

01:05:59.940 trouble. If and when, I will say when, when the opportunities arise and you start to feel excited

01:06:05.660 about things, you won't be able to take advantage of it because you'll be in debt or you won't have

01:06:12.820 a good job or you will be in trouble because you weren't focused on building a proper foundation.

01:06:17.480 And so you ask yourself, why does everybody else get lucky all the time? They're not lucky.

01:06:22.020 They're just prepared. They're just prepared for whatever life presents to them and life will.

01:06:29.540 god will god will give you opportunities and you have to ask yourself am i going to be ready for

01:06:36.120 that opportunity now think about this with a guy who's asking about dating earlier it's like you

01:06:40.980 know you you may not find the right woman today or in a year or five i don't know how long it's

01:06:45.900 going to take you to find that person that you really want to spend the rest of your life with

01:06:49.280 but i can tell you with 100 certainty that if you don't use this time to improve it's going to delay

01:06:55.100 the process. Because you might have a beautiful, incredible, lovely woman come into your life that

01:07:02.120 you aren't prepared for. And then you're going to lose her because you weren't doing the work

01:07:08.080 required to attract that type of woman or to keep her. So the foundational work, guys, is just as

01:07:15.500 maybe even more so important than the result, what eventually comes. That's sexy. That's fun.

01:07:22.780 but it's got to be the foundation first. I love it. The book gap and gain kind of just comes to

01:07:31.960 mind, you know, it's like, you know, celebrate the gain and that's the foundational element.

01:07:38.340 So that way you don't lose sight of, of what you're doing. Yep. All right, brother, let's wrap

01:07:45.480 it up today. I got some more questions, but we'll save those for next week. I think you had some

01:07:48.620 questions too. And so we'll, uh, we'll get to those next week. Yeah, sounds good. I mean,

01:07:52.720 I think the call to action is the men's forge, um, April 23rd to the 26th, um, sign up at the

01:08:00.400 men's forge.com. And then as always connect with Mr. Mickler on the social X Instagram at Ryan

01:08:07.020 Mickler. Um, and then just connect with us on other platforms, whether it's the Facebook group

01:08:11.900 or, or YouTube. Perfect guys. I appreciate the questions today and, uh, we'll be back for our

01:08:18.380 friday field notes in a couple of days until then go out there take action and become a man you

01:08:22.400 thank you for listening to the order of man podcast you're ready to take charge of your

01:08:27.800 life and be more of the man you were meant to be we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com

Order of Man - April 01, 2026

Fix This or Stay Single ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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