Order of Man - Forgive Yourself ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 Once you've made amends to the degree that you can, that's it.

00:00:06.000 It's your hole.

00:00:08.020 There's nothing else that you can do.

00:00:09.700 And there's nothing else that you really need to do.

00:00:12.000 Too many men focus on the uncontrollable.

00:00:14.720 So here's tip number one.

00:00:16.180 I told you there was a couple of bonus tips.

00:00:17.680 Tip number one is your ability to move on in your life is not contingent upon somebody else's acceptance of your apology.

00:00:29.040 You're a man of action.

00:00:31.280 You live life to the fullest.

00:00:32.720 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:35.660 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:39.020 Every time.

00:00:40.120 You are not easily deterred or defeated.

00:00:42.420 Rugged.

00:00:43.200 Resilient.

00:00:44.140 Strong.

00:00:44.820 This is your life.

00:00:46.280 This is who you are.

00:00:47.680 This is who you will become.

00:00:49.480 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:55.240 Forgiveness is something that we hear a lot about.

00:00:58.220 Most of the time in the context that we're given, it's learning to forgive others for their indiscretions and wrongdoings against you.

00:01:06.560 And there's really value to that.

00:01:08.600 We've all learned that it lets you be free.

00:01:10.820 It releases you of the burden of carrying around that baggage.

00:01:14.360 And it allows you to move forward in your life that you would not be able to do if you can't learn to forgive others.

00:01:20.460 But what I want to talk with you about today is how to learn to forgive yourself.

00:01:24.120 I think oftentimes it is in many ways easier to forgive others.

00:01:30.160 It's certainly more tangible and it's certainly more relatable and definitely more talked about.

00:01:35.080 But there is a devious and deceitful practice of holding on to past guilt and shame for our own wrongdoings and indiscretions against others.

00:01:46.420 And while I know it's very, very difficult to get over the challenges or the hardship and heartache that you may have caused to somebody else,

00:01:55.320 it's paramount that you learn to forgive yourself so you too can release the burden that maybe you were carrying around.

00:02:02.900 This allows you to grow.

00:02:04.200 It allows you to evolve.

00:02:05.500 It allows you to move forward.

00:02:06.620 It allows you to serve people more effectively who you wouldn't be able to serve because of the fear and the guilt and the shame that's holding you back from moving forward with your life.

00:02:15.920 So today I'm going to share with you five simple strategies, not always easy, but very simple, that you can employ not only on a daily basis,

00:02:24.080 but very systematically and intentionally to help yourself get over and forgive yourself,

00:02:31.640 to release the shame and the guilt that you may have been holding on to for weeks and months and years and maybe even decades.

00:02:39.360 Now, before I get to that, I just want to mention my good friends and show sponsors over at Montana Knife Company.

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00:03:41.060 Guys, let's jump into this.

00:03:42.360 Let's talk about forgiving ourselves.

00:03:45.480 It's very difficult when you've wronged someone in some way.

00:03:49.740 I've had my own fair share of struggles and challenges and things that I've done to other people,

00:03:55.660 and I feel like I've done a fairly good job at forgiving myself.

00:03:59.580 And that's not to say that we forget, but there are some things that we can do to ensure that we can move forward and drive on with our lives.

00:04:06.960 Then I've got a couple of bonus tips and ideas for you, mindsets for you as well.

00:04:11.780 So the first thing that we need to do is recognize and acknowledge our deficiencies.

00:04:16.740 A lot of the times we don't even acknowledge the fact that we may have hurt somebody or we may have wronged somebody.

00:04:23.580 Or maybe it's so, we feel it's so minor that it doesn't warrant forgiveness.

00:04:29.500 It's difficult to do anything, to move forward in any way in life if we're not willing to acknowledge the reality and the gravity of the situation.

00:04:40.680 This might be the hardest thing for you to do because in many cases you're going to need to revisit something that you may have done to somebody else that maybe you're not even totally aware of.

00:04:51.500 But there's still underlying guilt and shame associated with how you behaved and how you performed and how you showed up.

00:04:58.560 So the first thing that we need to do in order to forgive ourselves is to A, acknowledge that there was something that we actually did and be very, very clear about the gravity of the situation.

00:05:11.580 Not only what you did, but what was the impact to another person, to the other party.

00:05:15.960 Again, nobody wants to revisit this because it's uncomfortable to look at our own inadequacies and how we may have screwed up.

00:05:22.940 But you can't move forward unless you base everything that I'm going to talk with you about today on the foundation of truth.

00:05:30.520 And that means that you acknowledge what you did to another person and you explain or, excuse me, explain to yourself, I should say, at least understand that there was some problems and there was some challenges.

00:05:44.340 And it created a host of consequences for the other party.

00:05:48.940 Now, once you've done that, you can move into the next step, which is to make amends.

00:05:54.600 Now, we can't always make amends.

00:05:56.940 Maybe these people are no longer in our lives.

00:05:59.860 Maybe there's nothing necessarily to compensate an individual with.

00:06:04.140 What's done is done.

00:06:04.940 But if there's an opportunity for you to genuinely apologize, then I would suggest at a minimum you apologize to the person that you wronged.

00:06:14.820 And you don't just say, I'm sorry.

00:06:16.420 You say, I'm sorry.

00:06:17.740 I did X, Y, and Z.

00:06:20.160 I can see how this would impact you in these several ways.

00:06:24.260 And I feel very badly about what I have done and how I showed up.

00:06:29.840 And here's how I showed up.

00:06:31.420 Here's how I was underperforming.

00:06:33.100 And again, I am sorry.

00:06:35.060 Now, guys, once you've done this correctly, you don't need to keep doing it over and over again.

00:06:41.500 That is one thing that I see a lot of guys do because there's guilt.

00:06:45.360 Again, and I'm going to help you get over that.

00:06:46.980 But there's so much guilt and shame that they think that they just need to keep apologizing.

00:06:52.960 And maybe on that 17th try or that 100th try that all of a sudden that guilt and shame is going to go away.

00:07:00.180 That isn't how it works.

00:07:01.600 You have to do the rest of the formula for the guilt and the shame to begin to dissipate.

00:07:06.400 Now, granted, it just takes time, but once you've made amends to the degree that you can, that's it.

00:07:15.400 It's your hole.

00:07:17.440 There's nothing else that you can do.

00:07:19.120 And there's nothing else that you really need to do.

00:07:21.420 Too many men focus on the uncontrollable.

00:07:24.140 So here's tip number one.

00:07:25.600 I told you there was a couple of bonus tips.

00:07:27.100 Tip number one is your ability to move on in your life is not contingent upon somebody else's acceptance of your apology.

00:07:39.260 Let me say that again.

00:07:40.780 Your ability to move forward with your life is not contingent upon somebody else's acceptance of your apology.

00:07:49.160 I had this question come up on our Instagram page.

00:07:53.400 And by the way, I would love for you to follow over there.

00:07:54.940 I'm very active and I want to communicate with you guys there is at Ryan Mickler.

00:07:59.300 My last name is M-I-C-H-L-E-R.

00:08:02.060 And a gentleman said, because I was talking about this issue in one of the posts, a gentleman said, well, you can't move on unless the other party accepts your apology.

00:08:11.520 That isn't true because there are situations where somebody may never accept your apology, and that's their prerogative.

00:08:20.800 Clearly, they have a right to do that.

00:08:23.220 But using that logic, what we're suggesting is that a man stay trapped and bound to his guilt and shame forever simply because somebody outside of his control decides not to accept his apology.

00:08:36.940 Another example is what happens if that individual is not reachable or has passed away?

00:08:44.320 Are we obligated to remain trapped in the things that we've done in the past?

00:08:47.940 The answer is no.

00:08:49.760 So tip number one outside of the formula I'm sharing with you is to learn to make the apology and not have that apology mean anything or be contingent upon a certain way you want somebody to behave.

00:09:01.680 Now, a lot of the times I'll see men attempt to make apologies, but they're disingenuous because they're only doing it to manipulate the other party to get them to say, I forgive you.

00:09:13.960 And that feels good.

00:09:15.600 So that's why so many men are after that.

00:09:17.400 If somebody says to you, hey, I forgive you for what you've done, you feel like that absolves you of some of the consequences or the responsibility.

00:09:26.120 It doesn't, and it shouldn't because number one, it's manipulation, and that's not never a good thing to manipulate another person.

00:09:34.560 It's disingenuous because maybe you're not actually sorry.

00:09:38.420 You just want that person to make you feel better about your poor decision making.

00:09:42.880 And also, again, to my point a second ago, it doesn't give you the opportunity to release yourself because if you're waiting for somebody else to validate or approve of what you're doing and how you're trying to make amends, they may never do that.

00:09:58.680 And we cannot learn to forgive ourselves if we're only reliant upon other people's performance and the way we would like them to show up.

00:10:07.440 Now, granted, it's nice when people learn to accept an apology.

00:10:13.280 It feels good.

00:10:14.360 It helps us move forward.

00:10:15.840 And what I would suggest in that case is that you learn to accept other people's apologies.

00:10:22.600 When somebody comes to you and says, hey, I'm sorry for doing this thing, then you learn to afford them some grace because hopefully the grace will be afforded to you.

00:10:32.960 Now, not always.

00:10:33.740 And it's really difficult when somebody has wronged you in a serious way to accept their apology.

00:10:40.320 Now, look, that's not to say that we need to embrace it.

00:10:43.200 That's not to say we need to put ourselves in harm's way.

00:10:46.020 That's not even to say that we need to forget what that individual may have done.

00:10:49.580 But if somebody is trying to make a genuine effort to make amends and make things right, to the best that you can, I think it's crucial that we learn to offer some grace as we would like to be afforded grace in our circumstances.

00:11:05.020 So, again, point number two is making amends, but it has to be free of any expectation or covert contract, meaning you have this idea of the way that the person is, quote unquote, supposed to respond to you.

00:11:19.860 And only then does it count.

00:11:22.300 Free yourself from that.

00:11:24.140 Make your apology.

00:11:25.520 If they acknowledge it, don't acknowledge it.

00:11:28.500 Yell at you.

00:11:29.300 Don't yell at you.

00:11:31.260 Accept your apology.

00:11:32.640 None of that really matters because all you can do is make amends to the degree that you can.

00:11:37.840 Now, look, we've acknowledged our shortcomings.

00:11:40.720 We've attempted to make amends where we can, and we've done it once, not a thousand times, not even ten times.

00:11:47.920 We've done it genuinely and sincerely once.

00:11:50.100 That's it.

00:11:51.620 Now we can begin to move forward with forgiving ourselves.

00:11:54.860 We have to take care of those two things first because we can't move into forgiveness for ourselves unless we attempt to make the situation right.

00:12:02.360 That's by acknowledging the situation and then making amends where you can.

00:12:05.580 The next thing that we need to do is to begin to extrapolate the lessons that need to be learned from the problem that you created, okay?

00:12:14.100 If you stole from your employer, for example, what lesson should you take away from that?

00:12:21.660 If you went through a divorce like I did because partly you showed up in an inferior way, what lessons can you learn from that situation?

00:12:31.860 How should you show up better in future relationships?

00:12:34.380 How should you show up for your kids?

00:12:36.300 For me, it was substance abuse.

00:12:38.000 The lessons I learned is I have to stay away from alcohol because that creates problems, obviously, and it creates greater problems to a greater degree for certain people more than others.

00:12:51.480 That's the case for me.

00:12:52.800 So that's a lesson that I've learned, and now I'm actually better off today than I was a year and a half, two years, three years ago

00:13:02.220 because I learned the lessons that I needed to learn.

00:13:05.060 I identified what those lessons were, and I'm an entirely new man than I was, like I said, two years ago.

00:13:11.780 Now, when I say things like that, people often jump to the conclusion of,

00:13:18.620 yeah, well, Ryan, that must be nice that you learned these lessons, but people are still impacted by the negative decisions that you made.

00:13:25.000 That is 100% true.

00:13:27.260 I don't want to deny that.

00:13:28.920 I don't want to tell you that isn't the case.

00:13:31.540 Yeah, there's real-world consequences and fallout to people that you love, people you care about, and it is what it is.

00:13:39.960 Again, it's not a permission slip to forget what you've done.

00:13:44.260 In fact, I would encourage you to remember how you showed up so you don't make those poor decisions, again, moving forward,

00:13:50.960 but ultimately, if you can look at these experiences and you can begin to learn lessons

00:13:55.380 and then ask yourself, am I a better man today than I was because I went through this situation?

00:14:02.580 And with me and my divorce, for example, I am a better man.

00:14:06.420 My ex-wife is still impacted by that. 0.99

00:14:08.700 My children are clearly impacted by that, and it's unfortunate, and it's sad,

00:14:13.280 and in many ways, it's heartbreaking for my kids, but I can't do anything about that.

00:14:19.440 That is beyond my control.

00:14:21.460 All that I can control and focus on is how can I be a better, for example, father now moving forward?

00:14:28.560 How can I be a better partner to the woman that I'm in a relationship with now,

00:14:34.540 and I'm trying to show up in a positive way?

00:14:36.400 Which leads me to point number four.

00:14:39.060 So if point number three is to learn the lesson, it's easy to learn the lesson.

00:14:43.060 It's easy to identify what you did wrong and how you would do it differently moving forward,

00:14:47.040 but infinitely harder is actually applying the lesson.

00:14:50.820 So you have to apply the lesson.

00:14:53.200 Look, you're going to have slips.

00:14:54.560 You're going to have stumbles.

00:14:55.440 You're going to fall.

00:14:56.160 You're going to mess up.

00:14:57.000 You're going to screw up.

00:14:57.820 You're going to revert back to old patterns and old ways and previous ways of thinking.

00:15:02.260 That's inevitable.

00:15:03.400 But we have to make a conscious effort to apply the lessons that were being learned

00:15:09.100 and actually mold and craft and shape ourselves into a new kind of man,

00:15:14.240 a new partner, a new community leader, a new father, a new friend, a new colleague,

00:15:21.740 co-worker, mentor, brother, coach, etc.

00:15:24.940 You have to mold yourself into a new man.

00:15:28.180 You have to have the systems in place to be able to do it.

00:15:30.780 You have to track your progress.

00:15:32.400 These are things that we talk about and we have talked about for almost a decade with this movement now.

00:15:36.840 So I won't get into the details and the nitty-gritty of how to do that

00:15:40.220 because ultimately what I want to do is give you the formula

00:15:42.700 and then we'll backfill it with other information in the upcoming months and years.

00:15:47.780 But guys, you have to be able to apply these lessons on a daily basis.

00:15:52.500 And look, a lot of the times people will apply lessons

00:15:56.840 hoping that other people will see the new kind of man they're becoming

00:16:00.540 and then again get the forgiveness from others that they want.

00:16:05.000 That's not what we're after.

00:16:06.840 Again, that's manipulation.

00:16:09.220 That is not a pure motive.

00:16:11.180 I'm going to act in a certain way so people will recognize and see me perform in this certain way.

00:16:16.440 Therefore, I will get the validation that I need.

00:16:19.560 That's manipulation.

00:16:22.320 That is not a virtuous way to go about doing this.

00:16:25.060 And it's also not going to lead you to the forgiveness that you want to have for yourself

00:16:29.140 because you know you're deceiving other people

00:16:31.220 and ultimately you know even if subconsciously you are deceiving yourself.

00:16:36.840 You're not doing this the way that it's intended.

00:16:40.200 So become a new man, not for anybody else, not to fix the problem that you've already fixed and identified

00:16:47.700 because that was in point one and two, but because it's the right thing to do.

00:16:51.760 If you want to be a better husband, then be a better husband because it's the right thing to do.

00:16:58.180 If you want to be a better father, then be a better father, not so somebody could see you and pat you on the back

00:17:02.720 and tell you how wonderful you're doing and what good jobs you're doing and how much better you are than you were.

00:17:07.560 No, because it's the right thing to do and it's because you want to become that type of man.

00:17:15.520 It's intrinsically valuable in other words.

00:17:18.020 There's no external that you need because internally it's important you acknowledge it

00:17:24.260 and that's the kind of man you want to be purely for the sake of being that kind of man.

00:17:27.960 So let's recap real quick and then we'll get to point number five.

00:17:33.520 Excuse me, I'm a little congested.

00:17:35.220 I'm fighting some allergies, but we work through it.

00:17:39.680 Again, number one, acknowledge your deficiencies.

00:17:42.680 Number two, make amends where you can.

00:17:45.780 Number three, learn the lessons that need to be learned.

00:17:48.800 Number four, and this is really where the rubber meets the road

00:17:51.100 and where you begin to give yourself forgiveness is applying the lessons consistently, habitually, and continually.

00:17:59.220 And by the way, if you mess up, it's okay.

00:18:01.320 Fix it.

00:18:01.780 Start back at step number one and go through that cycle again.

00:18:05.140 The last point that I want to make to you, and then I'll give you one more tip before we close it out today,

00:18:09.520 is that it's okay to recognize your growth.

00:18:12.360 In fact, you should want to.

00:18:15.700 If you're anything like me as a high achiever, a hard charger,

00:18:20.060 when we accomplish goals and we improve and we do something great,

00:18:23.860 typically guys like us don't even take time to acknowledge it.

00:18:27.520 We're just driving on to the next point, the next goal, the next mark.

00:18:31.580 And while I think there's a lot of value in moving forward with your life,

00:18:36.020 I believe there's value in taking a breath and a breather and say,

00:18:40.000 you know what, I'm a lot better than I used to be.

00:18:43.140 I'm a better partner than I was before.

00:18:46.260 I'm a more engaged father than I was before.

00:18:49.260 I'm a better community leader than I was before.

00:18:52.600 If you can begin to be very precise about how you've improved and how you've got better,

00:19:00.820 now it's easier to forgive yourself because you acknowledge that I am getting better,

00:19:06.200 not in spite of my past circumstances, but because of my circumstances.

00:19:11.000 I think about this quite often with my alcohol abuse.

00:19:15.340 If I wouldn't have gone through that situation and my ex wouldn't have brought that to my attention,

00:19:20.280 and I think there was things that happened that I wish would have gone differently,

00:19:25.420 but at the end of the day, I'm a better man because of that experience, not in spite of it.

00:19:30.960 It's actually part of my journey.

00:19:33.720 It's part of the process.

00:19:36.400 And I'm, in a way, grateful for experiencing those things.

00:19:43.380 I'm not totally excited about it, wish the circumstances would be different, but they're not.

00:19:47.220 So I have to be grateful for the circumstances so that I can be more satisfied with who I am moving forward.

00:19:57.260 So, guys, take some time, even daily, to acknowledge that, you know what?

00:20:00.940 I was a pretty good dad today.

00:20:02.420 I played baseball with my kids, or I got involved with their homework, or their extracurricular activities,

00:20:09.380 or walked them through a challenging situation.

00:20:12.360 You know what?

00:20:12.760 I showed up really well for my partner today.

00:20:14.980 I cared about her.

00:20:16.160 I loved up on her.

00:20:17.520 I appreciated her.

00:20:18.780 I showed her how much I cared about her.

00:20:21.580 It's okay to acknowledge that.

00:20:23.140 We don't need to gloat or boast in it, but acknowledge it.

00:20:27.040 All right, guys, I'm going to give you a couple of tips, and I already, two more, actually,

00:20:31.180 and I already hit on one of these, which was your forgiveness is not contingent upon another

00:20:36.540 party's acceptance of your apology.

00:20:39.020 The second point that I wanted to make, and I did hit on this already, is that you need

00:20:43.240 to focus on what you can control.

00:20:46.400 There are so many things to focus on in life, and this is what keeps us bound and shackled

00:20:51.720 to the guilt and shame that we have when we've wronged somebody, is that we focus on things

00:20:58.380 that we have zero control over.

00:21:01.180 The circumstances, why you may have done what you did, and you're excusing it away or blaming

00:21:07.280 it on somebody else.

00:21:09.000 Somebody's not offering some grace to you, and so you can't move forward.

00:21:14.640 That's the problem.

00:21:16.080 The more you focus on things beyond your control, the more you are slaved and shackled to the

00:21:21.240 thing that you don't want to be shackled to, which is guilt and shame.

00:21:24.120 You want to be tied to pride, and not being proud, but pride.

00:21:32.540 Maybe I'll reverse those.

00:21:34.240 Not pridefulness, but being proud of the growth that you've experienced.

00:21:38.740 It's probably a better way to say it.

00:21:40.780 You want to be tied to hope.

00:21:42.080 You want to be tied to optimism and evolution and growth, and you can't do that if you're

00:21:47.720 focused on things that you have nothing, no control over.

00:21:52.160 So again, forgiveness is not contingent upon their acceptance.

00:21:55.440 Focusing on what you can control.

00:21:57.260 And then there's one last tip that I want to share with you that is very, very liberating

00:22:01.380 when it comes to forgiving yourself.

00:22:02.880 Teach others the lessons that you learned.

00:22:07.340 And that's hard, because what that means, and this is what I've had to do in a very public

00:22:11.900 environment and setting, is that you need to not only understand and become familiar with

00:22:17.640 your inadequacies, but you actually need to expose them to other people.

00:22:21.660 And I'm not saying that you have to go profess this to the world.

00:22:24.280 I'm not saying you need to start a podcast in order to do it.

00:22:27.300 I'm just saying if there's people in your life that would find value or gain value or

00:22:33.960 benefit from your experience, we have an obligation to share it with those individuals.

00:22:39.240 I talk about this often.

00:22:40.620 If a man has a tool or a resource that he can share with another person that will help

00:22:45.020 them on their own personal journey, then we as men, righteous, virtuous men, have a moral

00:22:50.540 responsibility to share that with somebody who will be positively impacted by that word.

00:22:55.500 It is not easy.

00:22:58.260 It is not comfortable.

00:22:59.500 It is not always enjoyable.

00:23:01.460 But there's opportunities for you to talk with friends and family members, colleagues,

00:23:07.200 co-workers about what they may be going through through the lens of what you went through.

00:23:13.120 I'm telling you, when you start to do that, you can see that you can become a powerful

00:23:16.620 source of good and growth.

00:23:19.660 And as I said earlier, hope and optimism.

00:23:22.720 Guys, I want you to forgive yourselves.

00:23:25.500 I don't want you to have this guilt and shame just hovering over you like this dark cloud,

00:23:31.760 keeping you from the light, keeping you from accomplishing big and great things.

00:23:39.340 And please understand that you are made for great things.

00:23:44.720 You are deliberately made, intentionally made.

00:23:47.760 You are here for a reason.

00:23:48.940 And if you are binding yourself to things that keep you from that, you are going to live an

00:23:56.200 inferior life.

00:23:57.480 And also, you are not going to be serving people the way they need to be served and the way you

00:24:04.460 specifically can serve those individuals.

00:24:06.500 Let's recap.

00:24:09.540 Acknowledge your deficiencies.

00:24:11.300 Make amends.

00:24:12.700 Learn the lessons.

00:24:13.860 Apply the lessons.

00:24:15.500 And then lastly, recognize your growth.

00:24:18.180 The tips I shared with you is your forgiveness for yourself is not contingent upon another person's

00:24:24.920 acceptance of your apology.

00:24:26.020 Focus only on what you can control and learn to share your experiences with other people.

00:24:33.280 I hope that serves you.

00:24:34.840 I hope that releases you from some of the baggage and the rocks and the bullcrap that you've

00:24:39.220 been carrying around because I want you to move forward for yourself and I want you to

00:24:43.100 move forward for the people in your life who can be served by you.

00:24:46.580 Only, only to the degree that you're willing to move forward when you mess up as we all do.

00:24:53.440 All right, guys, I will be back to, let's see, next week for another interview and our

00:24:58.340 Ask Me Anything with my co-host and good friend, Kip Sorensen.

00:25:01.100 If you guys have other conversations you'd like me to address, please let me know.

00:25:05.240 Hit me up on Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

00:25:08.120 You can see the conversations that we're having over there and involve yourself in the discussion

00:25:12.480 because I'd like to have that dialogue and feedback with you guys.

00:25:16.580 And we'll keep fighting the good fight of reclaiming and restoring masculinity.

00:25:20.360 All right, guys, go out there, take action, forgive yourself, and become the man you are

00:25:25.380 meant to be.

00:25:30.020 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:25:33.000 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?

00:25:36.980 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:25:46.580 Thank you.

00:25:47.720 Thank you.

00:25:48.040 Thank you.

Order of Man - April 12, 2024

Forgive Yourself ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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