Order of Man - GS YOUNGBLOOD ｜ The Crucial Difference Between Men and Women in Relationships

00:00:00.000 We know we'd like to step more fully into our masculinity in relationships.

00:00:04.860 We as men inherently know that it makes for a much more rewarding and fulfilling partnership with the fair sex.

00:00:11.220 But what does it look like in practicality and also in application?

00:00:15.540 My guest today is author and men's coach G.S. Youngblood.

00:00:19.380 Today we talk about why masculine leadership is a gift, how to evoke women to relax into their feminine nature, 0.86

00:00:26.680 why a man's job is to provide structure to a relationship and how to do it,

00:00:31.520 how men should handle their emotions,

00:00:34.200 and why in relationships it can be a good idea to address feelings first and facts later.

00:00:40.060 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.

00:00:43.060 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:45.980 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:50.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:55.020 This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:58.020 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:01:00.960 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:05.080 Gentlemen, welcome to the Order of Man podcast.

00:01:07.520 My name is Ryan Michler. I'm your host and the founder.

00:01:10.800 We're seeing some download numbers increase lately on different platforms.

00:01:15.740 I made the assumption that most people were listening on Apple podcasts,

00:01:19.940 but it actually, at least anecdotally, looks like more and more people are listening on Spotify.

00:01:25.880 And then there's other platforms as well.

00:01:27.600 But wherever you're listening, I'm glad you're tuning in.

00:01:30.280 Glad you're here. Glad you're finding us.

00:01:31.780 And if it's your very first time listening to an Order of Man podcast, welcome.

00:01:35.940 My job here is to give you all the tools that you need to reclaim and restore masculinity in yourself,

00:01:41.800 in your family, and in your community.

00:01:44.000 We've had incredible guests on like Chris Williamson, Terry Crews, Tim Tebow, Ben Shapiro, Dave Ramsey, David Goggins.

00:01:52.420 And of course, I think at this point, nearly 500 other very successful men in their own right,

00:01:59.420 bringing their wisdom and practical application to you.

00:02:03.360 So glad you're tuning in.

00:02:04.760 I've got a very good conversation today.

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00:03:14.220 All right, guys, let me introduce you to my guest.

00:03:16.160 His name is GS Youngblood.

00:03:17.740 He is the author of The Masculine in Relationship

00:03:20.660 and The Art of Embodiment for Men.

00:03:23.240 He's also a men's coach and has worked with thousands of men,

00:03:26.860 helping them step more fully into their masculine frame.

00:03:31.280 He's sold nearly 50,000 copies, probably more now, of each of his books.

00:03:35.820 He's developed a three-part framework that any man can adopt

00:03:38.800 called The Masculine Blueprint.

00:03:41.460 And he offers live coaching and online courses,

00:03:44.260 including his Relationship Repair Bootcamp.

00:03:47.580 Enjoy this one, guys.

00:03:50.160 You talk a lot about this concept of the masculine in the relationship.

00:03:55.720 And I think in order to have a good conversation today,

00:03:57.980 it would really benefit us to lead off with what that actually means,

00:04:02.220 what that might look like, and ultimately we'll get into how men can do that

00:04:06.020 more effectively and why it's beneficial.

00:04:09.080 Yeah.

00:04:09.680 I think what you're asking me is it's like,

00:04:11.500 why did you specify someone in a relationship relative to this topic of masculinity?

00:04:17.200 And what I would say to that, there's a lot of men's work out there. 0.89

00:04:20.320 I mean, obviously you're a big part of that out in the world,

00:04:22.920 and there's lots of people offering men's work.

00:04:25.160 And a lot of it is about guys finding their own sovereignty,

00:04:29.900 finding their own directionality in life and their decisiveness and clarity,

00:04:35.300 and building skills that they didn't have before,

00:04:37.740 maybe in a former life where they were a nice guy.

00:04:40.320 But here's the thing is,

00:04:42.180 when you're in a relationship with a strong woman,

00:04:44.480 a lot of that,

00:04:46.000 it can be hard to actually hold on to that sovereignty and decisiveness

00:04:50.540 that you've acquired in your men's work.

00:04:52.600 What's required is the strength of the men's work, 0.99

00:04:56.260 kind of more of that alpha energy,

00:04:58.100 married to relational skills.

00:05:01.300 And these are the skills necessary to hold your own sovereignty

00:05:05.320 while you're in relationship with other,

00:05:07.520 and in particular that other might be a pretty strong woman 0.99

00:05:10.200 with strong tendencies and opinions of her own.

00:05:13.320 So by marrying the relational skills to more of the masculine energy,

00:05:18.360 the masculine power,

00:05:19.320 or I'm hoping to give them a unique skill set for guys that are in relationship

00:05:22.660 with a powerful woman and wanting to hold it,

00:05:25.180 be in their own power as well.

00:05:27.180 So you're,

00:05:27.940 you're talking about these two,

00:05:29.720 these two words that stood out to me,

00:05:31.540 strong and powerful women. 1.00

00:05:33.180 What does that mean?

00:05:34.380 Because when I hear that immediately,

00:05:36.240 I think masculine woman,

00:05:37.860 and I think society today has really conditioned women to be masculine

00:05:42.520 through the feminist movements,

00:05:45.580 through this hyper independence,

00:05:48.200 through the idea and the concepts of we don't need no man.

00:05:51.620 Is that different than what you're saying?

00:05:54.320 What is an action?

00:05:54.960 When you say strong and powerful woman,

00:05:57.000 what exactly do you mean by that?

00:05:59.360 Yeah.

00:05:59.660 Let's separate out the more of the caricatures of,

00:06:04.060 of strong feminism and things like that, 1.00

00:06:05.880 of a woman that says,

00:06:06.620 I don't need no man. 0.98

00:06:07.400 And of course that exists out there.

00:06:09.440 Let's just bring it back to,

00:06:10.560 there's a woman who's intelligent,

00:06:12.200 who knows what she wants and knows what her needs are. 0.99

00:06:15.620 And if she's in a relationship where,

00:06:17.300 where some of those needs are not being met,

00:06:19.260 she's not,

00:06:19.720 she's not clueless about it and she's not shy about sharing that.

00:06:22.860 And so she,

00:06:23.620 she holds herself to a high standard,

00:06:25.460 but she also holds her man to a high standard to bring the kind of 0.98

00:06:29.140 relational skills that are necessary when you're in a couple,

00:06:32.060 which is very different than if you're on your own,

00:06:34.560 just being your own man.

00:06:36.500 And so this is a woman that knows what she wants and really asks a lot. 1.00

00:06:40.140 And in return,

00:06:41.600 you hope that she also delivers a lot too,

00:06:44.320 like that she's,

00:06:45.080 she's worth,

00:06:46.240 she's worth the ideal that she's calling you forth to,

00:06:49.680 to achieve yourself.

00:06:51.300 Well,

00:06:51.780 and I think we have that.

00:06:53.200 Inherent desire to be with a,

00:06:57.180 a good woman,

00:06:58.180 but then also be worthy of being with that woman too.

00:07:01.700 We all fall short.

00:07:02.720 You know,

00:07:02.920 I do.

00:07:03.480 And I've had my fair share of challenges over the past several years in

00:07:06.160 particular,

00:07:06.540 but that is a worthy aspirational pursuit of mine is,

00:07:10.800 is not only to hold,

00:07:13.540 hold a woman to high, 0.98

00:07:15.520 high account,

00:07:16.340 but find somebody who's,

00:07:17.640 who's worthy of my time and attention,

00:07:19.280 but also be worthy of the time and attention that she,

00:07:21.820 I hope would be willing to invest in me too.

00:07:25.140 Yeah.

00:07:25.740 Yeah.

00:07:26.260 Yeah.

00:07:26.640 What,

00:07:26.840 what comes up to me here and you say that is as a man,

00:07:29.780 and this is what we hope all the guys that we teach are able to,

00:07:33.060 to grow into is know what you need and want and don't settle for less and

00:07:37.380 know how to communicate that with heart to your partner,

00:07:39.400 but have,

00:07:40.120 have a strong sense of your own needs,

00:07:42.000 preferences and boundaries.

00:07:42.960 And unfortunately the,

00:07:44.740 with the nice guy epidemic that we both are very familiar with out in the

00:07:47.880 world,

00:07:48.180 you know,

00:07:48.400 those guys have let go of their needs,

00:07:50.340 their boundaries and their preferences.

00:07:51.560 They just have no,

00:07:52.720 they have none of their radar is turned inward as to what they need.

00:07:55.620 It's all outward of how I can please everybody else.

00:07:58.000 And then the flip side of that is what you just said,

00:08:00.700 be a man that,

00:08:02.040 that a woman is so inspired to be with and to surrender to in certain ways.

00:08:05.840 Even the strongest woman,

00:08:06.900 you want to be the man that inspires her to relax into her feminine and relax

00:08:11.660 into your masculine leadership.

00:08:15.220 So if you were to then define,

00:08:17.600 cause you talk about her relaxing into her feminine,

00:08:20.400 a man relaxing into his masculine frame.

00:08:24.440 And I don't know if relaxing would be the right word for men.

00:08:26.940 And so we can talk a little bit about that.

00:08:28.820 I think for women it is, 0.97

00:08:29.960 it's I think in modern culture for many women, 1.00

00:08:32.700 it's probably a huge sense of relief to find a guy who's she's been with,

00:08:37.780 let's say for 20 years,

00:08:38.840 hypothetically,

00:08:39.340 and finally the guy steps up or maybe she's gone through a divorce or a

00:08:43.940 breakup and has had issues with men.

00:08:46.420 And now she finally finds a man who is able to give her the space that she

00:08:52.560 needs to be able to step into some of that femininity. 0.99

00:08:56.940 Yeah.

00:08:58.100 Yeah.

00:08:58.560 It's so true. 0.84

00:09:00.040 The masculine leadership is a gift.

00:09:02.380 I mean,

00:09:02.540 this is one of the things I learned from David Data.

00:09:04.560 Your leadership is a gift to your woman.

00:09:07.540 And it may not always seem like she wants your leadership.

00:09:10.500 And usually that's in the cases of where you've abdicated and she's been

00:09:13.640 forced to step into the role.

00:09:15.340 And at some point she just doesn't want to let it go because she doesn't trust

00:09:18.000 you.

00:09:18.280 But if you can step into that role and,

00:09:21.680 and build the skills within you that allows you to bring directionality,

00:09:25.960 structure,

00:09:26.340 and clarity into the relationship, 0.85

00:09:27.880 you're damn right.

00:09:28.500 She wants to relax into that, 0.87

00:09:29.820 even when it seems like she doesn't,

00:09:31.440 but you're going to have to earn it by showing her that you are trustable.

00:09:34.240 And you do that by having clarity,

00:09:36.840 following through on what you said you were going to do,

00:09:38.860 having a plan,

00:09:40.100 and also including her in that.

00:09:41.920 But you need all that clarity and you got,

00:09:43.640 you are going to have to earn it to get her to relax back into the, 0.99

00:09:46.880 into a more surrendered feminine state.

00:09:49.640 Yeah.

00:09:50.620 What is your take?

00:09:51.680 Well,

00:09:51.960 hold on.

00:09:52.420 Before I get to that,

00:09:53.140 you said another word and this triggers a lot of people,

00:09:55.780 especially women. 1.00

00:09:56.520 You said surrender.

00:09:57.500 Yeah.

00:09:58.680 I think I know where you're coming from and,

00:10:00.980 and I,

00:10:01.380 I'm sure that we're probably in agreement and an alignment,

00:10:04.640 but a lot of women will hear that and think surrender. 1.00

00:10:08.080 Yeah.

00:10:08.840 I'm not surrendering to anything.

00:10:09.960 What are you talking about?

00:10:10.880 So help me understand that.

00:10:11.920 Yeah.

00:10:12.820 Yeah.

00:10:13.000 I'm glad you brought that up.

00:10:13.780 Look,

00:10:14.000 surrender is a choice.

00:10:16.600 It's a choice.

00:10:17.600 It's not,

00:10:18.020 it's not compulsion.

00:10:19.700 And a woman has her own sovereignty to surrender into your lead temporarily 1.00

00:10:23.800 while she chooses to give it to you.

00:10:25.760 And before she chooses to take it back in her own life.

00:10:29.160 But the flip side of that,

00:10:30.480 I think for the guys that we want to emphasize here is you offer your

00:10:34.320 leadership as an invitation.

00:10:35.380 This is not the 1950s.

00:10:37.160 It's not compulsory.

00:10:38.340 You're not in charge.

00:10:39.780 You're offering your leadership as an invitation for her to follow.

00:10:43.360 She always has the choice whether or not to follow it or not.

00:10:46.500 If you're not trustable,

00:10:47.640 if you've proven yourself not to be trustable over time,

00:10:50.700 then she's probably not going to follow your lead.

00:10:52.380 But if you,

00:10:53.140 if you have proven to be trustable,

00:10:55.060 to have a good plan,

00:10:56.280 to have clarity and to follow through on what you say you're going to do,

00:10:59.300 then that level of trust will be there where a lot of women will choose to 1.00

00:11:03.380 surrender into your lead.

00:11:05.200 Do you believe that when a woman surrenders the way that you're describing it

00:11:09.300 right now,

00:11:10.020 that that is,

00:11:12.280 how does,

00:11:12.780 how does she feel about that?

00:11:14.540 Does she,

00:11:15.720 is that welcomed?

00:11:16.840 Is,

00:11:17.280 is that a reprieve or is it a sense of inferiority or concern?

00:11:24.040 Like what does that actually look like for a woman in your experience? 1.00

00:11:27.260 Yeah.

00:11:27.720 Yeah.

00:11:28.220 Yeah,

00:11:28.400 exactly.

00:11:29.420 It,

00:11:29.820 let's see,

00:11:30.980 where would I go with this?

00:11:34.780 We're speaking archetypally,

00:11:36.340 of course,

00:11:36.700 here.

00:11:37.300 Obviously generalities,

00:11:38.640 right?

00:11:38.900 Sure.

00:11:39.800 Yeah.

00:11:40.240 It,

00:11:40.600 it,

00:11:40.900 it is a relief.

00:11:42.020 If it's,

00:11:42.940 if she's choosing your,

00:11:44.660 to follow you out of her own volition,

00:11:47.640 it's absolutely a relief.

00:11:49.260 You know,

00:11:49.540 women have been forced into the masculine role in the working world. 1.00

00:11:52.500 The working world requires masculine energy, 1.00

00:11:54.580 not solely masculine energy,

00:11:56.080 but a lot of getting shit done out in the working world requires masculine energy. 0.85

00:12:00.260 So the women have to go into that, 1.00

00:12:02.140 but that's not their natural energy.

00:12:03.560 And I,

00:12:03.880 I write about this in the book.

00:12:05.880 Their natural energy is,

00:12:07.840 is a feminine energy. 1.00

00:12:09.120 And so at times they want to be able to let,

00:12:12.300 let down and just let you take the reins.

00:12:15.820 It's not all the time.

00:12:16.800 They don't want to feel controlled by you.

00:12:18.200 They don't want it to be compulsory,

00:12:19.500 but at times it absolutely is a relief to most women to temporarily surrender 1.00

00:12:24.020 and into a really competent lead that's offered to them.

00:12:27.940 So one thing I often hear,

00:12:30.600 and I know that we cannot control other people,

00:12:33.900 obviously,

00:12:34.780 but we can certainly influence them.

00:12:37.540 And as a man,

00:12:38.660 if you're doing what you're talking about doing,

00:12:40.680 and we're going to dive deeper today,

00:12:41.860 then you have the opportunity to influence your partner.

00:12:46.400 My question is,

00:12:48.180 how do you get a woman to step more fully into that feminine role? 1.00

00:12:53.300 Because I hear from guys every single day

00:12:56.240 who would love nothing more than for their wives to be more fetic, 1.00

00:13:03.120 to have the relational aspect of the thing,

00:13:06.020 to be more empathetic,

00:13:07.720 to be nurturing.

00:13:08.280 And even if we're going to talk about generalities,

00:13:10.920 traditional gender roles,

00:13:12.020 to be able to provide a space where she might be able to stay home

00:13:16.200 and raise the kids

00:13:17.920 and not have to go into this masculine dominated work environment.

00:13:21.700 How do you get a woman to embrace that idea 1.00

00:13:25.180 who has been conditioned not to for literally all of her life?

00:13:28.820 Mm-hmm.

00:13:30.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:30.740 It's true.

00:13:31.200 A lot of women have been conditioned to really take the reins of their own life. 1.00

00:13:36.540 I guess that I'll pick on your languaging a little bit,

00:13:38.840 even though I know this is not strictly how you meant it,

00:13:41.200 but you don't get them to do anything.

00:13:43.380 Right.

00:13:43.640 And that's what I mean by influence.

00:13:44.720 Yeah, exactly.

00:13:46.800 And I would suggest the word evoke.

00:13:49.500 How do we evoke that choice to relax back into more of their feminine energy? 1.00

00:13:56.580 And you do that by filling the masculine pole. 0.98

00:13:59.500 What happens when two people are together in intimacy

00:14:02.840 is there's always a polarization.

00:14:05.360 If one person adopts more of a grounded,

00:14:09.120 directional, structured presence,

00:14:10.720 the other one is going to go more energetic and more flowy.

00:14:14.420 And vice versa, if one is in a very flowy, energetic state,

00:14:18.620 the other person naturally polarizes into more stillness.

00:14:22.020 And it doesn't even matter which gender we're talking about.

00:14:24.680 So the more that you can be structured,

00:14:27.260 the more that you can offer directionality,

00:14:29.800 the more that you can occupy that masculine pole in the relationship,

00:14:34.180 that is what's going to evoke.

00:14:35.900 So in other words, if you got this handled,

00:14:38.500 she can say, okay, you've got it handled.

00:14:40.280 Now I can let go and trust that you will have it handled.

00:14:43.100 And I think that, you know, both literally and metaphorically,

00:14:46.160 the best thing a guy can do can be, baby, I got this.

00:14:49.340 I got this one.

00:14:50.880 And whatever that means, you've got it handled.

00:14:53.620 So I think it's about evoking that behavior rather than getting her.

00:14:59.220 And you do that by, again, occupying the masculine pole.

00:15:02.720 And, you know, there's a natural next question of like, okay,

00:15:05.220 what does it mean to occupy the masculine pole?

00:15:07.500 And the answer to that is the masculine blueprint from the book.

00:15:11.400 And it's exactly what I wrote.

00:15:12.880 It's a three-part framework for building your masculine core.

00:15:18.260 Can you talk about what those three parts are?

00:15:20.520 Because I think that would be really helpful for the guys.

00:15:22.680 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

00:15:25.340 Yeah, this is the masculine blueprint.

00:15:27.240 So the first element is respond versus react.

00:15:30.400 So this is the quality of a man who he's got a grounded nervous system.

00:15:35.780 There's a stillness to his way of being.

00:15:38.920 And you can just tell that he lives very choicefully moment to moment because he's very present.

00:15:46.160 He's very much in this moment rather than kind of being lost in the thought world of future and past.

00:15:52.280 And he operates out of choice rather than his reactivity or habituation or kind of that historical scripting that some of us fall into.

00:16:01.020 And so that's the first element, respond versus react.

00:16:05.260 Now, the second element is provide structure.

00:16:07.380 So this is the quality of a man who, first and foremost, he's got inner clarity about what he needs, what he wants, what the moment calls for, inclusive of her.

00:16:19.640 And so he's got a lot of those qualities of clarity.

00:16:23.660 And then he manifests those externally through direction and structure and decisiveness for not only himself but the world around him.

00:16:32.140 And so that's the second element of the blueprint, which is provide structure.

00:16:35.800 And then the third one is create safety.

00:16:39.020 So we're talking about physical, financial, and emotional safety.

00:16:42.620 And in the book, I didn't touch as much on physical and financial.

00:16:46.100 It'll probably be in the sequel when I do get that done.

00:16:50.780 But we do talk a lot about emotional safety.

00:16:54.180 And I'm telling you, Ryan, that there's no bigger determinant of how open your woman is to you than the level of trust and safety that she feels.

00:17:02.360 And so it's a real art to be able to create emotional safety in your woman and also build emotional connection.

00:17:10.640 And I think that's something that most guys are like, what the hell are you talking about, emotional connection?

00:17:16.140 And I'm telling you guys, one of the most powerful things you can do in your relationship is build a strong emotional connection with your woman because it's going to insulate you from a lot of the bumps and bruises that are natural in relationships.

00:17:28.280 So that is create safety.

00:17:30.740 And that's the third element of the blueprint.

00:17:33.560 I had a really interesting conversation with – his name is Connor Beaton with Man Talks.

00:17:39.480 I don't know if you know Connor or not.

00:17:41.300 Connor is a good friend of mine.

00:17:42.340 Yeah, he's a good guy.

00:17:43.400 Yeah, good guy.

00:17:44.020 And we were talking about this really interesting dichotomy where a woman – again, we're always speaking in generalities.

00:17:51.240 It's not exclusively true, but generally it is.

00:17:53.760 Where a woman will ask for a man, even if it's not directly to him, but would desire, I should say, a man who is willing to express himself. 0.69

00:18:05.120 The word that we often hear is vulnerability.

00:18:07.400 I don't like that word because it has all sorts of negative connotations and people have misconstrued it and bastardized it, so I don't use that word.

00:18:14.420 But they're looking for some sort of emotional connection.

00:18:17.980 And I was talking with Connor about this, and I said, you know, it's interesting that women say they want that, but as soon as a man gives them that, it's often a detriment to the relationship and how a woman views the man.

00:18:31.600 And he said, well, Ryan, the reason that is – and I'm paraphrasing – but the reason that is is because so many men have misconstrued emotional vulnerability with what women are actually looking for. 0.86

00:18:42.180 And I want to hear your thoughts on this, that she's not looking for you to be a babbling buffoon.

00:18:47.720 She's looking for you to understand what your emotions are and, most importantly, to have a plan for dealing with it.

00:18:57.740 And that was really eye-opening for me when he shared that just a couple of weeks ago with me.

00:19:02.740 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's pretty spot on.

00:19:05.820 Here's the thing. I think a lot of people have fallen into the trap of believing that emotions are the domain of women.

00:19:12.040 No. Guys, we have and need to be in touch with our emotions just as much as they are.

00:19:17.540 Both the masculine and the feminine both need to feel their emotions deeply.

00:19:22.260 But the feminine style is that there's no constraints on it, and it just sort of sprays forth, and there's some chaos involved often. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Not always, but it's often chaotic, especially when they get too big.

00:19:33.060 The masculine style of being with your emotions is to feel them deeply, but then have containment and share them judiciously.

00:19:39.080 So you feel deeply and share judiciously.

00:19:42.520 And, you know, you share for what's appropriate for the moment to create connection with your woman.

00:19:47.940 But when you do share, number one, judiciously, as I said, but two, it's succinct, too.

00:19:53.320 I mean, in the book and in my boot camp, you know, I'm teaching guys to really be very succinct with how they're expressing those emotions.

00:20:00.480 And so it's that containment that makes it a particularly masculine style of being with your emotions.

00:20:07.100 And then once you do that, your emotions aren't running you anymore.

00:20:10.200 And that's a very big element of masculinity is where you're not controlled externally.

00:20:16.040 You're very sovereign.

00:20:17.200 I've actually even heard you talk about not being controlled externally, whether it be financially or whatnot.

00:20:22.600 So when you're not in touch with your emotions, when you're not feeling them deeply, they're controlling you.

00:20:28.040 You just don't know it.

00:20:28.940 And that's not very masculine in my book.

00:20:30.700 And so I think that's the key here.

00:20:32.680 And so I teach guys how do you, particularly masculine style of feeling and then sharing their emotions.

00:20:38.020 So I had an interesting conversation with, I started working with a therapist and I've been really, really hesitant on this.

00:20:47.140 I mean, extremely hesitant on this.

00:20:50.060 And this is a gentleman who I've known for a long time.

00:20:54.320 We've gone to lunch together, so we've broken bread together, but I see him at the gym just about every day.

00:20:58.860 So this is a man I respect. 0.99

00:21:00.300 And I thought, you know, finally a guy who I don't feel is going to give me that woo-woo bullshit. 0.97

00:21:04.420 Like, this is a guy who's actually going to talk to me like a man. 0.59

00:21:08.740 And we had a conversation and I talked to him a little bit about my anxious attachment.

00:21:14.780 I know that about myself.

00:21:16.660 And long story short, he said to me, Ryan, when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling that, I just want you to sit in it.

00:21:23.720 And I'm like, sit in it? 1.00

00:21:24.600 What, sit around and do nothing like an idiot? 1.00

00:21:26.980 And he's like, no, not like an idiot. 1.00

00:21:29.260 I want you to sit in it like a man who's in control of it. 1.00

00:21:33.380 Isn't that what you want anyways?

00:21:34.760 And he said to me, aren't you worried about being in control of everything?

00:21:38.840 Why wouldn't you want to also be in control of your emotions? 1.00

00:21:41.300 So I'm not asking you to sit around like an idiot. 1.00

00:21:43.420 I'm asking you to sit in it so you can feel it, experience it. 1.00

00:21:47.420 And then to your point, point number one on the masculine pole is respond to your emotions versus react to them.

00:21:56.240 Yeah, totally.

00:21:57.920 Yeah, it's just a step that's skipped.

00:22:00.640 And I think that's what your therapist friend was speaking to.

00:22:03.480 It's like, as men, we do want to jump into action.

00:22:05.880 That's a particularly masculine trait.

00:22:07.280 We all know that.

00:22:08.100 It just skips a step when we're dealing with emotions.

00:22:10.540 Feel it first, then act.

00:22:12.820 Feel it first and then act.

00:22:14.260 And this is a lot of the work that I do with the guys that I work with is getting them to sit with intensity.

00:22:18.860 And so I use a lot of embodiment work with these guys where we're sitting in the intensity of some physical phenomenon, whatever that is, and learning to sit with that intensity, which directly maps over into their ability to sit with emotional intensity, which is what your friend was suggesting.

00:22:36.980 So sit in it is fluffy language for me because a lot of people say that.

00:22:43.060 I don't really know what that means.

00:22:44.200 Like, for example, I know when I'm pissed off.

00:22:48.480 I know it.

00:22:49.500 I'm pissed.

00:22:51.040 I know when I'm embarrassed or feeling guilt or shame.

00:22:54.880 I know when I'm scared of something.

00:22:57.520 So when you say sit in it, like practically for a guy who's listening and for me, obviously, what do you actually mean sit in it?

00:23:08.700 That's what I'm curious about.

00:23:10.020 Yeah, when we feel anger, shame, you know, sometimes sadness, there's an intensity to it.

00:23:18.500 And we often, it's an uncomfortable intensity in a lot of ways.

00:23:23.400 And so sometimes we'll pop off.

00:23:25.180 Let's say we're pissed. 0.98

00:23:26.240 And, you know, I don't know, maybe your woman is a little bit insulting to you. 1.00

00:23:29.800 And she gives you a cutting remark. 0.90

00:23:31.820 And you kind of have that whoosh of anger that comes up in you. 0.99

00:23:35.220 And you're like, don't fucking talk to me that way. 0.99

00:23:38.680 Like, that is not going to create, that is not going to take you where you want to go when you just smash her with that. 0.99

00:23:44.880 Now, you can be just as pissed.

00:23:46.460 So a guy that has sat with his anger is no longer just snapping back like that before he thinks.

00:23:52.400 He's actually feeling his anger.

00:23:54.080 And he's like, baby, pause for a second.

00:23:55.660 Actually, that really pisses me off when you say that.

00:23:58.040 And I love you.

00:23:58.960 But we're not going to treat each other that way.

00:24:02.840 So let's, I want to hear what you have to say, but no more insults.

00:24:06.840 And you're just, there's like a smoldering clarity to the whole thing that is fueled by your anger.

00:24:11.200 But it's not the popping off.

00:24:12.760 You're going to find that that latter approach brings you back into connection and gets you out of the storm that you're in with her way faster than when you have these quick hits.

00:24:21.140 And that's what not being acclimated to the intensity of your emotions does.

00:24:24.820 You kind of have these snap reactions to things.

00:24:27.780 It doesn't lead you where you ultimately want to go.

00:24:29.980 It may feel good for about a second and kind of gratifying to smack somebody else down verbally.

00:24:35.460 It doesn't get you where you want to go.

00:24:37.220 And so that's what we're talking about.

00:24:38.800 You learn to sit with your emotions.

00:24:40.920 Just like this morning I did my cold shower.

00:24:43.320 I'm learning to sit with that intensity.

00:24:45.100 And I know for a fact that that's actually allowed me to avoid kind of that whoosh of emotion that maybe has me do things before I think about them.

00:24:55.760 You know, the only thing I can think of, and this immediately came to mind, I've got four.

00:24:59.700 How many kids do you have, by the way?

00:25:01.820 I have three.

00:25:02.780 Three.

00:25:03.240 So we're right around the same.

00:25:04.940 I've got four.

00:25:06.300 And I've caught myself saying to all of my children, minus my daughter, but to my boys, my three boys.

00:25:14.240 Yeah.

00:25:14.600 Hey, stop, calm down, use your big boy words.

00:25:21.020 Yeah, there you go. 0.98

00:25:22.240 And I think I could probably take a lot of the same advice because when you're talking about it, it's not like, don't fucking say that to me. 0.89

00:25:28.080 Like you said, it's, babe, look, give me a second. 0.94

00:25:32.560 I'm a little upset.

00:25:33.920 You said something that bothered me.

00:25:35.380 Give me a second.

00:25:38.100 Give it the space it needs.

00:25:39.460 And then, hey, this bothered me for these reasons.

00:25:42.280 Those are big boy words.

00:25:43.340 And we tell our kids to do it, but very often we don't take our own advice.

00:25:48.540 Yeah, exactly.

00:25:49.600 Exactly.

00:25:50.000 And it's not to keep using the same phrase, but it's usually because of that, like that whoosh of emotion that kind of flares up within us and kind of compels us to do something before we actually choose to do that thing.

00:26:01.360 So what I'm hearing you say is from a tactical perspective with regards to responding versus reacting.

00:26:08.940 It's purely a matter of a little bit of margin, meaning, hey, I'm not going to immediately respond or react to use your verbiage.

00:26:17.660 I'm going to take a breath.

00:26:19.260 I'm going to step away for a minute maybe or however long it might take.

00:26:23.240 And then and only then am I going to come back into the conversation when I have some rational thought as a factor of our discussion.

00:26:30.720 Yeah, I think that's a pretty good explanation.

00:26:34.800 Everything you just described was very choiceful.

00:26:39.160 And I, you know, I think you probably share this, too.

00:26:42.160 I want to be a man that chooses how I am moment to moment, not a guy that just pops off.

00:26:46.940 And so the way that you described that was very choiceful.

00:26:49.040 You know what?

00:26:49.540 I realize that I need a moment right now before I do something that I regret.

00:26:54.720 So I'm going to take I'm going to take five minutes and I'm going to come right back and we can continue this conversation.

00:26:58.660 So, yeah, it's knowing yourself and then making choices so that you you manifest the man that you want to be rather than just habituation and scripting.

00:27:06.660 Man, I'm going to step away for just a quick minute.

00:27:12.380 Please bear with me.

00:27:13.500 This is important.

00:27:14.540 One of the greatest factors when it comes to creating repeatable results is to have an actual plan.

00:27:20.780 Now, sure, you can get lucky from time to time and stumble into some metric of success like winning the lottery.

00:27:27.820 But if you want results in your bank account, your business, your relationships and your health, you have to have a plan.

00:27:34.560 And that's where the 12 week battle planner comes into play.

00:27:37.520 Now, I created this battle planner over nine years ago using the exact same strategies and techniques I developed over a decade of running a very successful financial planning practice.

00:27:48.360 It's simple.

00:27:49.560 It cuts out all the guesswork and it's designed to be used every single day with about 10 to 20 minutes of planning per day.

00:27:56.300 Now, I just got a huge inventory back in stock, but I promise you these will go quickly as it's our number one most requested tool and resource.

00:28:05.080 So if you're ready for a plan and you're ready to execute on that plan, then pick up your 12 week battle planner today.

00:28:11.920 You can do that at order of man dot com slash T W B P as in 12 week battle planner order of man dot com slash T W B P.

00:28:22.640 Check it out, guys.

00:28:23.300 You can do that right after the show.

00:28:24.940 For now, let's get back to GS.

00:28:28.480 I think along these same lines that might pivot us into a little bit of a different conversation, there's a lot of female idol worship. 0.99

00:28:38.540 And I think a lot of men worship females to the point where they no longer are themselves.

00:28:46.560 And there's probably a lot of reasons for that.

00:28:48.420 Nice guy syndrome is definitely a part of that.

00:28:50.040 We can talk about that.

00:28:51.040 But where does disagreeableness come into consideration?

00:28:56.520 And how does a man find his voice and his ability to establish, communicate and uphold boundaries with a woman who he might be afraid of losing, for example, or saying the wrong thing.

00:29:13.520 And it rocks the boat.

00:29:14.760 And you hear these clever little cute phrases like happy wife, happy life.

00:29:18.900 How does a man find that level of disagreeableness that's healthy? 1.00

00:29:23.760 Yeah.

00:29:27.220 Be, there's, I think, two things come up for me.

00:29:30.900 The first is the phrase I like to use.

00:29:33.240 Be unafraid to lose her.

00:29:36.140 I think most of our nice guy behaviors and the ways that we pedestalize or idolize, like you said, come from we're so damn afraid of losing that person.

00:29:45.240 And so I, you know, I teach guys all the time.

00:29:48.360 You've got to start almost going through the grieving process of losing her, even while you're still in relationship with her.

00:29:54.240 And it's a lot of visualization about what your life would be like if you didn't have this person.

00:29:58.840 And start to acclimate to that notion and be okay with that.

00:30:02.360 Not that you treat her in ways that make that more likely.

00:30:04.740 But, you know, be okay with being alone or being left by this person.

00:30:13.180 That's the first thing that I work with guys on.

00:30:15.160 It's usually that hidden fear.

00:30:17.120 They don't even know it sometimes.

00:30:18.800 It's usually that hidden fear of like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to lose her.

00:30:21.680 So, therefore, I've got to, you know, do acrobatics so that it doesn't go off the rails.

00:30:25.400 And just be unafraid to lose her.

00:30:26.760 You'd be shocked at how that actually draws her more towards you.

00:30:29.300 Because she feels you unafraid when you truly start to manifest that.

00:30:34.740 That's the biggest thing that comes up for me.

00:30:38.620 And then the other piece of that, I think, that underlies that is nice guys.

00:30:44.000 This is the radar of nice guys.

00:30:46.120 And nice guys' radar is always pointed out.

00:30:48.220 They're looking for danger.

00:30:49.540 And then they're scanning other people to see what's okay and what's not okay to do.

00:30:53.240 So they can sort of weave through the minefield.

00:30:56.360 And what I do in the work that I do with men is I'm really teaching them to turn some of that awareness inward.

00:31:02.480 And find out what do you think the moment calls for.

00:31:07.020 You know, stop looking what is safe via other people.

00:31:10.220 But what do you think the moment calls for?

00:31:12.500 What's your wisdom that you can bring to bear?

00:31:14.500 Both about what you need, but also what she needs.

00:31:16.740 You know, because you're attuned to her.

00:31:18.500 So I'm really working with guys around a lot of awareness training to start to turn it more inward.

00:31:23.100 And, you know, this is my oversimplified example I always use.

00:31:26.480 You know, it's the difference between the guy that says, hey, babe, where do you want to go to dinner tonight?

00:31:31.600 You know, just without even really thinking of himself, he sort of externalizes and says, what do you want to do tonight?

00:31:37.820 Versus the guy that's like, I really want to go to that new sushi place that I saw down.

00:31:44.060 I've driven by it five times.

00:31:45.260 I've always wanted to check it out.

00:31:46.680 Hey, babe, there's this sushi place that I'm loving, that I've really been wanting to go to.

00:31:51.200 You know, would you be up for that?

00:31:52.500 So it's the first guy immediately goes external.

00:31:56.760 The second guy pauses and says, what do I think is the right thing here?

00:32:00.320 What's my wisdom?

00:32:01.120 What's my preference?

00:32:02.240 And now you take that simplified example and expand it out into much more complex situations of life.

00:32:08.600 That's how you get her off the pedestal. 0.97

00:32:11.400 And that's how you start really dealing with as equals with your woman rather than, you know, looking up at her on her pedestal.

00:32:17.840 So that's the advice that I usually give to guys.

00:32:21.500 And ironically, and a bit frustrating as well, is the more that you're willing to do that, like, hey, babe, let's go to dinner this weekend.

00:32:31.800 Here's what I suggest.

00:32:34.400 Number one, 99.9% of women are going to be like, yeah, that sounds good. 1.00

00:32:38.100 Unless she's got a shellfish allergy, she's not going to want to go to the sushi place.

00:32:42.120 But outside of that, she's in.

00:32:44.300 She wants to be led that way, and she doesn't want to have to make that decision in my experience.

00:32:49.260 So it's a little frustrating in that these guys are so concerned with, oh, man, I hope I pick the right restaurant or let her pick.

00:33:00.960 And she doesn't even want to pick.

00:33:02.660 She just wants you to pick.

00:33:04.100 And I feel like, and I'm dating a woman now, and we've got a great relationship, one of the things I respect most about her is that she's honest with me.

00:33:16.300 So she won't go to the sushi place if she doesn't want to go to the sushi place. 1.00

00:33:21.860 But I have to be able to trust that she's a big girl and can communicate with me that if she has a problem with that, she can tell me.

00:33:29.380 Otherwise, I'm going to choose.

00:33:31.600 And I think that's one of the most refreshing things about the relationship I'm in right now.

00:33:36.300 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:37.200 She's probably a woman who just loves to get on your ride. 1.00

00:33:40.800 And the more – let me add one element that I would label as attunement.

00:33:45.000 The more you know your woman, you know, by observing her over time, over the months, over the years, you kind of know her ways and her preferences.

00:33:54.320 If you can actually fold that into your leadership, then she's even that much more likely to get on board. 0.96

00:33:59.760 And so if you come and, you know, you talked about the shellfish allergy.

00:34:03.100 If you know that – like my woman's a vegetarian. 1.00

00:34:05.280 So if I suggest a steak place, she's going to be like, what the hell is wrong with you? 1.00

00:34:09.040 Like she's going to feel not known versus if I'm knowing her and folding that in, she feels very known and understood, way more likely to follow my lead when I do that.

00:34:18.380 So I think attunement is a big part of leadership that some guys don't necessarily realize how important it is.

00:34:24.640 Do you think, though, that the problem with this attunement, especially for the term we hear as recovering nice guys, is that they mistake attunement with acquiescing to everything they think their woman might want?

00:34:40.200 That's taken to the extreme, right?

00:34:42.620 Yeah, yeah, totally.

00:34:43.720 And this is just a slider bar, you know, or a volume knob.

00:34:46.640 And they're obviously turning that one up too much because, like, the volume level of their needs is going down and the volume level of what he thinks she needs is going up like this.

00:34:56.220 We want a balance, you know, whatever that looks like.

00:34:58.880 So we don't want to be autocratic because that's where needs are completely suppressed and we don't want to be nice guys.

00:35:03.660 That means your needs are completely suppressed.

00:35:05.740 It's the artful blending of the right ratio, whatever that is, for your relationship.

00:35:10.220 You use the term artful and obviously there's just a level of intuition and experience and practice with that.

00:35:16.640 But are there any tactical methods that a man can evaluate whether or not he's being – he's an attunement or he's being a nice guy?

00:35:27.020 That is a very interesting question.

00:35:31.340 Hmm.

00:35:33.460 It's – I don't even know how to answer that one, Ryan.

00:35:36.720 It's the art of it.

00:35:37.900 It's the art of it.

00:35:38.700 It's like what fosters you, you know, feeling like your needs are being met and feeling like you're being true to your own needs while you're feeling like you're also incorporating hers.

00:35:49.360 And it's a feel thing.

00:35:51.060 I think a crisper answer is eluding me right now, to be honest.

00:35:56.740 And that's fine.

00:35:58.160 You know, I think these are – this is the power of these discussions.

00:36:00.720 I come to these discussions without any preconceived notion.

00:36:04.520 I'm trying to learn and hopefully everybody's learning and we're all learning.

00:36:08.260 We're all getting something from this.

00:36:09.740 So, I mean, I can appreciate you saying that.

00:36:13.000 I just know that there's so many – even myself, it's hard at times to really understand.

00:36:19.100 Am I just making her the complete object of my desire at the expense of everything else or is it that I genuinely care about her but I also care about proportionately my own desires and wishes?

00:36:32.700 Right.

00:36:34.240 I think there's a – it just glitched up here a second.

00:36:38.500 So, I'm going to pause for a second.

00:36:42.080 Yeah, no problem.

00:36:43.380 I think we're good now.

00:36:44.160 Okay, glitched up.

00:36:45.320 I think the thing you've got to – did you pause and consider your own needs strongly?

00:36:52.420 You know, a lot of guys will – a lot of the nice guys, it won't even occur to them what their needs were.

00:36:56.460 As I said in that example, he immediately went to where do you want to go?

00:37:00.380 So, you know, the question you can ask yourself as kind of a self-evaluation, self-diagnostic is did I in this one situation or do I sort of over time, do I pause and give a good consideration to my own needs?

00:37:13.740 And if the answer is no, then obviously you're in the nice guy mode.

00:37:17.260 If the answer is yes, then you're a long way towards living in your own power and being relational at the same time.

00:37:23.700 You know, one of the interesting things with the nice guy sentiment – and I've read a lot from Robert Glover.

00:37:32.100 I'm sure you're familiar with him, has done a lot of work in this nice guy arena, including his book No More – oh, he is?

00:37:36.900 Okay, including No More Mr. Nice Guy.

00:37:40.720 This is an interesting thing.

00:37:41.940 When we think of nice guys, we generally tend to think that they're selfless.

00:37:46.140 Because they're putting everybody else's needs ahead of their own.

00:37:49.780 But Dr. Glover suggests that they're the most selfish people.

00:37:54.560 And I'm paraphrasing here, and you can correct me if you think I'm wrong on this, but part of the reason is is because they're constantly seeking external validation that they're okay.

00:38:05.720 And you hear this when men say, hey, are you okay?

00:38:10.080 Are we okay?

00:38:11.540 Is everything okay?

00:38:12.820 They don't actually care about the person.

00:38:15.600 They care about the way the person views them.

00:38:18.960 And I'm not going to say I haven't fallen into this trap.

00:38:21.060 I certainly have.

00:38:21.880 But I'm more aware of it, I think, today than I've ever been in my entire life.

00:38:26.500 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:27.560 Yeah, I like that it is selfish because really what they care about is their own fear and the assuaging of their own fear.

00:38:33.340 And here's the worst part, especially in an intimate relationship.

00:38:38.540 They're hiding the seething anger that's actually building up because they never get any of their needs met.

00:38:44.220 And they don't get their needs met because they don't present any needs.

00:38:47.940 They're like, I'm fine.

00:38:49.060 Everything's great.

00:38:50.240 And so they end up being seething, angry individuals underneath.

00:38:53.980 And guess who feels that resentment that builds up?

00:38:56.520 It's their woman.

00:38:57.280 Their woman can feel it every day. 1.00

00:38:59.280 And they suffer.

00:39:00.300 And so I agree with you and I agree with Robert. 0.98

00:39:04.060 These guys are selfish because they're just being pussies about it, quite frankly, because all they can do is be a slave to their own fear. 0.98

00:39:11.180 And then their women suffer with the, you know, as I said, that resentment that builds up and then leaks out over time. 0.98

00:39:16.880 In practical application, how does a man who has identified himself to be a quote unquote nice guy or a recovering nice guy, we hear these terms, begin to identify his own needs and desires?

00:39:30.960 And then also equally important to be, maybe even more so, to be able to communicate those because there's going to be some pushback.

00:39:40.760 If you're in a relationship, for example, for 10, 12, 15 years, and you've been, to your point, this pussified version of a man, she's pretty familiar and comfortable with that.

00:39:50.160 She stepped into a lot of the masculine role and all of a sudden you're saying, you're going to choose where we eat tonight?

00:39:54.880 I don't think so. So how does, and I'm using that as a, as a, as an example, that's obviously not the case, but how does a man begin to step into this?

00:40:05.720 Yeah. You know, I, I, when I work with guys on this who are starting from ground zero, I, I, I give them a one week challenge or seven day challenge.

00:40:13.860 And that seven day challenge is to, is to be a selfish bastard. I mean, literally be a selfish bastard for a week. 0.99

00:40:21.080 And yet they, they, they almost have to go over the top and caricature it just to break through their own, um, habits. 0.99

00:40:27.520 And so without being a dick to everybody, that's not what I'm talking about, but think of yourself first and what you want and, and just kind of play the caricature for seven days and see if you can kind of break some of those habits that you've got.

00:40:41.440 It'll feel so unnatural that, that it highlights their own limitations of always looking externally.

00:40:47.180 And so that's, that's one of the ways I do that I do it. Um, number two, we, we, we go into the fear and truly try to go down to the nervous system level and help assuage the, the, the, the discomfort of those fears.

00:41:00.300 And we do that through a lot of embodiment practice. I mean, you know, you've heard me talk in almost any form, you know, that I talk tons about embodiment practice as a core staple of what guys have to do every day.

00:41:11.580 I'm really trying to get all my clients to do a daily practice so they can ground their nervous system. And that's the second area that we work on is I really get them to have that daily practice so that their nervous system is a little more grounded and the fear will grip them just, uh, just that much less, um, through, through the daily practice.

00:41:28.980 So those are some of the things that I, that I do to start nice guys off down the, down that path.

00:41:34.500 Yeah. I want to hit on both of those. Cause when you said you have to be a selfish bastard, that's the language you use. The language I've always used is you have to tiptoe into asshole territory.

00:41:45.340 There you go. 1.00

00:41:45.980 Like you don't like, you don't have a healthy perspective of what is being a complete dickhead and what is being just an assertive man. And if you're a passive wimp, you don't know what's assertive. So you actually have to take it to asshole. 0.98

00:42:02.460 And then eventually you're going to start ringing it back in and realize, okay, that was too far. That was too much. And then you find that middle ground where we should all be working to operate. 1.00

00:42:10.120 Yeah. Yeah. Couldn't agree with you more. Yeah. They've got to swing, swing far to the left or right, whatever it is. And then they, they come back to a different set point than they used to have. Cause they've stretched themselves a little bit. Yep.

00:42:21.560 Are there certain exercises that you've asked people to do? Like one that I've thought of, and I shouldn't say it that way. One I've heard of, and I also share with guys is to ask for a discount everywhere they go.

00:42:35.820 It's so uncomfortable for nice guys. But if a guy can take seven days to your point about this challenge and wherever they are, just ask for a discount, just because people begin to realize, Oh, it's not as scary or uncomfortable as I initially thought it was. But are there other practices that you're asking these guys to do?

00:42:54.600 Yeah. But I think you, what you talked about was having guys talk about or go ask for a discount wherever they go. And yeah, I, I usually point them. A lot of my guys are professional. So they, you know, in the old days they'd go to the office and then at lunchtime, everybody's like, well, where should we go? And I, and I'm counseling them to do things like just say, Hey, I want to go to this Mexican place. Who's with me. And that's, that's an example of, of kind of one of the things I'll point guys to do things like situations like that.

00:43:21.280 Yeah. Just assert themselves. If they have a thought. Um, I heard a, uh, interesting perspective from a guy by the name of Chris Williamson. Are you familiar with him? Modern wisdom podcast?

00:43:31.900 No, I haven't heard of him.

00:43:33.380 Yeah. Super interesting. He talked about this concept of shadow sentences, which is basically synonymous with covert contracts. That's what I would call them. And, and the way that he presented it this week was, you know, here's, here's what you're thinking in your mind. And then here's what you actually say.

00:43:51.700 And it's completely different. It's passive aggressive. It's sarcastic. A lot of times because you don't want to confront that when in reality, you should just find a really healthy way to say what needs to be said. But it's, it's a hard thing for guys who aren't comfortable with doing that.

00:44:06.460 Yeah. It's so true. We, we, we often use humor and I, I include sarcasm and humor to, we use humor to deflect the intensity of the moment. And this was actually one of my weaknesses that I, that I've had to work on over the last 10 years. Um, you know, my woman comes at me with a little too much energy and I'll, and I'll make some humor. And, you know, sometimes it, it actually works. It's a valid, uh, tool to break the drama. Like humor demolishes drama.

00:44:36.460 Avoidance. Um, that's when it became a problem for me. And, uh, my woman wasn't shy about reflecting that back to me. And, uh, so we've got to be, you've got to be judicious about these, like you said, the sideways ways of addressing things.

00:44:48.900 And sometimes you've got to just pause, come into your heart and say, Hey, this is not feeling good. And I want to share that with you, babe, or whatever the expression actually is.

00:44:59.880 When, when you said she reflected it back to you, how would that come across? Was it sarcasm? Was it a little bit of, you know, biting humor back? How, how was that actually reflected back to you from her?

00:45:12.100 She, she would say if, if she expressed to me that it feels like I'm avoiding her pain and that was hurtful for her. Cause she's, it, she's like, it feels like you don't actually take me seriously when you deflect out of humor. And, and again, she, she would be the first one to acknowledge that at some, sometimes my humor is actually very good to smash her drama that she's allowed herself to get caught up in.

00:45:32.700 But there's that, you know, that 25% of the time or whatever it is that it really, she's bringing a valid hurt to me and I just couldn't handle it. And, and I don't want, this is not me. Okay, baby, I'll stop being funny. It's, I don't want my woman to feel disregarded by me.

00:45:48.420 Like that's a core value of mine. So I choose to try to really scrutinize my own humor to see where I'm, where I'm being helpful by helping her out of her drama or where I'm avoiding and, and discounting the gravity of the pain that she's trying to express to me.

00:46:04.060 And that's just, you know, man, that's just an awareness practice, which I think is a big part of men's work. Awareness practice.

00:46:10.260 Yeah. It sounds to me like you're saying with, with regards to humor, is this, is this a strategy for diffusing the tension in the situation, which can be helpful?

00:46:19.240 Or is it something that we're just trying to avoid having this conversation altogether?

00:46:23.740 Yeah. Because I can't handle the intensity.

00:46:26.760 Yeah. It has nothing to do with her. It's the selfish stuff that we were talking about.

00:46:30.740 Yeah, exactly.

00:46:31.860 Right.

00:46:32.160 Right. The, the second point that you made with identifying and presenting your own needs, especially if you're not comfortable doing that, uh, you talked about these embodiment practices.

00:46:41.980 What does that actually look like an embodiment practice and what is embodiment?

00:46:47.160 Yeah. I mean, embodiment is just practices that, that you, you turn some of your awareness towards the physicality in your body and, um, physicality could be as simple as the, the feeling of air rushing across your nostril when you do breath, you know?

00:47:02.160 You could just in through the nose, out through the mouth. There's a physical sensation in the nose and throat when you do that. And so I can, we can do a practice where we simply breathe like that, but we put our attention on the physical sensation.

00:47:17.160 Um, I do a lot of work with gravity. So the feeling of gravity, the sensation of weight, which is, you know, I, it's present when I'm sitting, it's present when I'm standing. A lot of my, uh, practices use the sensation of weight.

00:47:31.160 And we're putting some of our attention on that, but the rest of our attention stays in this relational space. So, you know, when I'm, maybe my woman comes at me and she's got some fire, I'll, I'll drop some of my attention down to my feet and just feel that sensation of weight.

00:47:46.460 While the rest of my attention is there very present with her. And what that does is it has the effect of crowding out my kind of my thinking, ruminating, overly analyzing mind or, or that voice of self-doubt that all comes up.

00:48:01.460 Cause the mind has all kinds of defenses when we're presented with intensity or relational intensity. So having some of your, some of your attention on your physicality actually just takes up a bunch of the space that used to be occupied by that thinking mind.

00:48:16.620 The net effect is I'm more present. I'm more grounded. I'm less reactive and I have more capacity to choose how I'm going to act in that moment. So that's kind of the, the short, short version of explaining what embodiment is.

00:48:29.560 You know, it's, it's, it's a series of practices that involve movement and breath and visualization and, and whatnot.

00:48:38.060 I don't, I don't want to discount what you're talking about. So I hope it doesn't come across when I ask you this, but would you consider that simply a distraction technique so that you can distract yourself from being in your own head and being consumed with the fear and anxiety that comes up in these situations?

00:48:53.320 Yeah. You know, taken literally your, you're, you're, you're, your distraction is just reorienting attention, right?

00:49:04.720 But, but distraction has a bit of a connotation to it. And so, yeah, I'm, I'm helping guys train to reorient their attention off of their self-protective, troublesome mind.

00:49:16.880 That's thinking too much and explaining too much and defending too much into their physicality, which actually pulls them into this moment.

00:49:24.400 So, yeah, I wouldn't use the word distracting, but that is where we are reorienting, reorienting their attention, but we're doing it in, with the goal of having you become more present in this moment with what's actually happening.

00:49:36.900 Not this false world of thoughts that your analytical thinking mind creates around you.

00:49:42.680 So is there, is there room for, is there room for thoughtful consideration in this concept of embodiment, or would that be a completely separate concept?

00:49:54.880 For example, if I'm in an argument with my significant other, we could do these gravity exercises, these breathing exercises that you're talking about, that's reorienting your attention, like you said, but where does the element of, hey, that makes me feel this way, or I don't like the way that she's saying that, or what she just said right there bothers me.

00:50:19.300 When do we come to that element of thoughtful analysis about how you're feeling?

00:50:25.560 Yeah.

00:50:25.940 Well, there's two different, there's many different functions of the mind.

00:50:30.760 The second one where you're like, hey, that doesn't feel good.

00:50:33.440 That's actually you're feeling what's going on inside of you, and then you're expressing that.

00:50:38.020 That's one thing that the mind can do, and that's actually the healthy way to do it.

00:50:41.820 The other was self-protection.

00:50:43.200 So the other part of your mind that we're trying to get rid of is the one that wants to defend.

00:50:46.840 You know, she has an emotional expression, but when we're like, but, but, but, no, no, no, you don't understand, that's not what I said.

00:50:52.440 So you're sort of going into defense, or you're explaining, oh, let me explain why this happened, so you'll stop being mad at me.

00:50:59.040 Those are things the mind's doing to make the anxiety stop at all costs and instantly.

00:51:05.540 Those are the types of things that are not helpful and that you want to get away from.

00:51:08.860 You don't, this compulsory, oh, my God, I must stop this intensity and this anxiety right now, so I'm going to defend or explain or anything to get her to stop feeling how she's feeling, rather than she can feel however the hell she wants to feel.

00:51:22.620 Over here, I'm sovereign, and I'm saying, my mind is now occupied with self-reflection, feeling what's inside and saying, hey, that actually doesn't feel good, and then revelation of what's going on inside of me.

00:51:35.540 That's where we want to get you.

00:51:36.920 It's not like you go completely mindless and there's no function for the brain at all.

00:51:41.820 Right.

00:51:42.800 Yeah, and I think, I think the point, what you were saying earlier is this level of margin.

00:51:46.780 I remember I was having a discussion with her just a couple of weeks ago, and she was very frustrated with me that I was defending myself, and I'm like, I wasn't defending myself.

00:51:56.420 I was just explaining where I was coming from.

00:51:58.220 This is the exact scenario that you're talking about right now.

00:52:00.840 Yeah, and we had a little space, you know, we both ended the conversation.

00:52:05.400 We had a little space, and the more I thought about it, I was like, you know, she had some really good points.

00:52:12.680 And what she said was right, and I need to take that into consideration.

00:52:19.860 I wish I could have done that faster.

00:52:21.240 I don't think we can process it sometimes that quickly because we do run into these defense mechanisms, but yeah, it's hard because it doesn't feel like you're defending or on defense.

00:52:34.220 It feels like you're just explaining, oh, I didn't think that at all because here's what I was thinking at the same time, but it invalidates what she's thinking.

00:52:42.500 Yeah, I have a lot to say about this, Ryan.

00:52:49.020 I'll give a funny story.

00:52:50.020 This literally happened two days ago.

00:52:51.500 We were flying back, and my son got, he got voted for some cool award, my high school age son.

00:52:58.860 And I was pretty damn sure that I told my girlfriend about it, and it happened a few weeks ago.

00:53:05.460 But then as we're on the plane, I said, hey, look at this video.

00:53:07.820 It's him on stage, and she starts to get upset.

00:53:10.820 She had forgotten that I told her, and she started to get upset. 0.99

00:53:15.100 Like, you didn't tell me this.

00:53:16.080 I don't feel included in your family.

00:53:17.900 This hurts.

00:53:18.720 She got actually rather emotional with me, and I was pretty damn sure I had told her, but I didn't remember 100%.

00:53:23.960 So I decided not to go down the road immediately in that moment of, no, no, I'm pretty sure I told you.

00:53:30.140 Let's go look it up.

00:53:31.620 I actually said, I was almost as an experiment.

00:53:34.600 I said, screw it.

00:53:35.240 I'm actually just going to be with her emotion, even though I'm pretty damn sure I'm right here.

00:53:38.300 But I knew that if I started to argue the facts in that moment while she was emotional, it wouldn't go anywhere because she can't receive the information that I'm giving her.

00:53:47.020 She's at the emotional plane, and so never the twain shall meet.

00:53:50.600 So if I tried to come in with that information, so I actually just sat with the emotion.

00:53:54.260 I said, you know, actually, I hear you, baby.

00:53:56.840 That wouldn't feel good if I was leaving you out of important things in my son's life, and you've expressed this to me before, so I get it, babe.

00:54:04.520 And I just empathized with her without even talking to the facts of whether she was right or wrong.

00:54:10.760 And she calmed down within about a minute or less.

00:54:14.640 And then about 20 minutes later, I pulled up the text.

00:54:18.540 I was like, hey, babe, you might want to see this.

00:54:20.300 And I showed her that I had told her two weeks ago.

00:54:23.260 But I knew that if I just tried to argue the facts, no matter how right I was, and I was pretty damn right on that one, I just knew in that moment she wasn't ready for it.

00:54:31.620 And so what's the point?

00:54:33.140 And that's what I'm – one of the phrases out of the book is feelings first, facts later.

00:54:37.680 When you try to get the facts reconciled first, it never works because she's in an emotional space.

00:54:44.240 Go get emotional resonance with her.

00:54:46.460 Give her some empathy.

00:54:47.420 She'll come down, and then you bring the facts into the equation.

00:54:50.760 And it's so – it's not a like either or or who's right or who's wrong.

00:54:55.220 It's just a sequencing problem.

00:54:56.740 Deal with the emotions first.

00:54:58.080 Settle her nervous system first, whatever that means.

00:55:01.020 Then get to the facts, and you're going to find yourself a whole lot more successful if you've got a reasonably emotional woman.

00:55:07.680 Well, I learned something just yesterday that when you're dealing with – whether it's a woman or a man or anybody who's emotional, even yourself, you are quite literally incapable of dealing with things rationally.

00:55:21.760 It's not that – like you might say, why is she acting crazy? 1.00

00:55:26.200 She's – why doesn't she get it?

00:55:28.080 That's another one.

00:55:28.620 She doesn't understand.

00:55:30.220 She's literally physiologically incapable of rational thought. 0.97

00:55:37.680 In that moment, because of the chemicals that are released in our bodies that have to do with our fight, flight, or fawning response.

00:55:45.700 It's – when you understand it's just a matter of chemicals, I think you're more apt to say, you know what, let's let this – these chemicals release, metabolize,

00:55:58.480 and then we can come back to this conversation where we're both in a position to be logical about it, which sounds like the scenario you're presenting with your girlfriend.

00:56:07.560 Exactly.

00:56:08.200 I think we said pretty much the same thing using different words.

00:56:10.780 And I always say this.

00:56:12.700 Guys, it's not masculine to fight with your woman.

00:56:15.240 So if you think it's like masculine to argue your point and get to be right, all you're going to do is devolve into a big fight, which doesn't show you in your power in this world.

00:56:24.720 And so get really skillful in that space of irrationality.

00:56:30.540 Can you actually operate skillfully in that space?

00:56:33.100 And this is what I try to teach guys to do.

00:56:35.600 If you can operate in that space pretty skillfully, that space tends to shrink in time duration real fast.

00:56:40.920 Like I said, my woman calmed down in a minute or less. 1.00

00:56:44.100 But that could have easily turned into a seven-hour fight, quite frankly.

00:56:48.060 So guys, get skillful in that space where it's not governed by the laws of facts.

00:56:52.920 And what you'll find is that that space shrinks in, like I said, in time duration.

00:56:57.420 I think part of the problem, though, is this idea of the manosphere and this notion of the red pill and all this kind of stuff.

00:57:07.680 Because what you're going to hear, and this is antithetical to what you're saying right now, is, well, you're just being a simp. 0.98

00:57:14.740 Or you're being a beta, or you're being a cuck. 0.97

00:57:19.100 Why? 0.98

00:57:19.660 Because you're listening to your woman and allowing her to present her case and work through her emotions.

00:57:24.700 Help me understand how that is simping.

00:57:27.880 But a lot of these tough guys on the internet, they see it that way, and then they perpetuate that.

00:57:32.940 Then we feel like we're being inferior or letting go of our manliness because we allow our woman to process what she's going through or help her work through it.

00:57:42.300 Yep. Yep. Yep. You're so right. It's funny. Probably, it might be the most masculine guy I know is in relationship with this really awesome woman who I know as well.

00:57:54.420 And they're fighting constantly, and they're in and out of relationship.

00:57:57.120 And he's always kind of that, he's that metaphor for what you're describing, that he's the most alpha guy that I know, but he's also the most troubled in relationship.

00:58:06.180 And so, you're right, and I think that's why I said earlier, so to everybody out there in the manosphere who's like, that's being a simp and anything with emotions is lame, it's not masculine to be fighting with your woman.

00:58:18.320 And it's not masculine to live your life with a series of six-month relationships that don't last.

00:58:24.700 That's not powerful in my book.

00:58:28.980 Learning these dynamics of polarity, learning the dynamics of your female partner who does have your rational emotions, learning those dynamics and knowing how to not manipulate them, but maybe ride them and affect them, that's powerful in my book.

00:58:45.580 Uh-oh, kids home.

00:58:46.300 Yeah, you heard, I warned you, it happened about four o'clock, so they just got here.

00:58:54.120 Well, brother, I know we have a hard stop.

00:58:56.260 That's on me, not on you.

00:58:57.940 I would love to have an additional follow-up conversation.

00:59:01.420 Man, I love what you're saying, and I've been following you and your work for some time now.

00:59:06.820 But man, this conversation just highlights to me that we're very much in alignment.

00:59:10.980 We might see a few things differently or come about it from a different perspective,

00:59:14.140 but I'm really glad that we were able to have this conversation.

00:59:17.340 I know you have a boot camp coming up, and I would love for you to be able to share that with the guys,

00:59:21.920 but then also let us know how to connect with you and learn more about other things, books, and other things that you might have going on.

00:59:28.520 Yeah.

00:59:29.400 Guys, look for the books on Amazon.

00:59:31.720 The Masculine in Relationship is the first, and The Art of Embodiment is the second.

00:59:36.020 And G.S. Youngblood, M-I-R, on Instagram, you can get a taste of me talking about various things.

00:59:41.740 But the boot camp that, Ryan, that you just mentioned is my flagship program.

00:59:47.240 It's an eight-week online course that I take 12 men through at a time.

00:59:51.040 And you're really getting – you're going to take the book and go way deeper on implementing these principles and practices.

00:59:57.300 And that's the thing I'm most proud of these days.

00:59:58.840 So check it out, gsyoungblood.com slash boot camp, and you can find more information there.

01:00:05.200 Excellent.

01:00:05.880 Well, I appreciate it.

01:00:06.740 Again, we'll sync everything up so the guys know where to go.

01:00:09.660 So thank you for your work, and thank you for joining us today.

01:00:12.540 Yeah.

01:00:12.940 Thanks, Ryan.

01:00:13.520 It's great being on.

01:00:14.180 Great hanging out with you.

01:00:17.560 Guys, there you go.

01:00:18.620 Mr. G.S. Youngblood.

01:00:19.800 Super impressed by this guy.

01:00:21.360 I'm sure you guys are as well.

01:00:23.040 He came highly, highly requested.

01:00:24.920 I've been following him for a significant amount of time, and I've gotten so many requests to have him on the podcast.

01:00:30.600 So I'm glad that it was – we were able to make it work.

01:00:34.280 What a powerful conversation.

01:00:35.840 Please, get your note pads out.

01:00:38.120 Take notes.

01:00:38.680 Go back.

01:00:39.180 Listen to whatever you need to listen to and begin to apply this stuff in your relationships and your life.

01:00:45.300 I've taken this stuff to heart.

01:00:47.200 I'm applying much of what he's teaching, and I have been for some time, but there's things that I learned as well.

01:00:52.220 So, please, most important thing about this podcast is putting this stuff into action.

01:00:57.480 I don't want to just talk at you.

01:00:58.700 I don't want to yap at you.

01:01:00.160 We don't want to have conversations that don't lead to results.

01:01:02.860 Please go put this into practice.

01:01:04.160 And while you're doing that, make sure you share what you're learning.

01:01:08.480 Share with a friend, a family member, a colleague, a coworker, your father, whoever it might be, another man who needs this information, and then tag us on social media.

01:01:16.380 Tag GS.

01:01:17.120 Tag myself.

01:01:18.400 Let us know what you're listening to.

01:01:20.020 Share the message.

01:01:20.860 If you see me post it on Instagram, share it in your stories or on Facebook or wherever you might be, and help us get the word.

01:01:26.940 This is a grassroots movement.

01:01:28.480 So, help us get the word out and get this into the hearts and minds of more men because we need to change the cultural tide of this country.

01:01:36.000 So, guys, I'm grateful for you.

01:01:37.760 Pick up a copy of The Masculine in Relationship and The Art of Embodiment for Men.

01:01:41.660 Also, go ahead and check out that Relationship Repair Boot Camp, and you have your marching orders.

01:01:47.320 We will be back tomorrow.

01:01:48.460 Until then, go out there, take action, and become a man you are meant to be.

01:01:53.360 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:01:58.640 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

01:02:02.680 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

01:02:05.800 You're welcome.

01:02:06.800 I'm so good.

01:02:06.900 I'm so happy to join you.

01:02:13.140 This is a Mitra.

01:02:13.960 I'm so happy to join the Lord of Man.

Order of Man - May 21, 2024

GS YOUNGBLOOD ｜ The Crucial Difference Between Men and Women in Relationships

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