Order of Man - Handling Increased Responsibility, Advice for New Fathers & Starting From Nothing ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 And so I know we have to report and we have to get the numbers and we need some of this data,

00:00:03.980 but unless it drives to actual meaningful engagement connection, nothing is ever going

00:00:09.600 to change. So I love when you talk about this difference between authority and influence.

00:00:14.340 Everybody thinks, man, once they get that little placard on their desk or their door,

00:00:18.680 they are king shit. And you're not. You're not any better. In fact, you're probably worse because

00:00:24.000 some of those people think less of you because you're in that position. Prove them wrong by

00:00:28.320 actually caring about them. You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace

00:00:35.120 your fears and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more

00:00:40.500 time. Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is

00:00:47.560 your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day. And after all

00:00:53.260 is said and done, you can call yourself a man. What's up, brother? Great to be back for an AMA

00:01:00.060 day. The ball's going well for you, man. How was, uh, how was father's day? It was good. I just,

00:01:05.860 in true fatherhood fashion, you busted your ass. It looks like on the, on the property, on the house

00:01:11.340 all day. Yeah. I literally woke up this morning. My back hurt and I was super sore. And I was like,

00:01:17.040 uh, maybe a little too much. How about you? It's funny there. I, uh, I took it easy. You know,

00:01:25.280 the kids came over, it was my ex wife's weekend, but we're really cordial and working together. So,

00:01:31.280 uh, my girlfriend and I spent some time in Zion national park over the weekend and had a great

00:01:37.260 time. We took the e-bikes through Zion national park. It was amazing. I didn't know how much I

00:01:42.660 would like it. It was better than I thought it would be. So we did that Saturday. Uh, and then

00:01:47.480 even though it was my ex's weekend with the kids, like I said, we're cordial. So she said, Hey,

00:01:53.000 I'll bring the kids by at nine. So I spent the day with them. We went to like a, like Fiesta fun.

00:01:58.680 Every, every town has one where it's got arcades and bumper boats and got it. Yeah. Go carts and

00:02:03.900 things like that. Right. So we went and did that. Um, they wanted pizza. So we have a little pizza

00:02:08.640 oven and uni pizza oven. So we all did our own little personal pizzas, uh, played some, some lawn

00:02:16.620 games. So it was good. And it was a good day. Like it was a good weekend actually. Sounds awesome.

00:02:20.740 Yeah. I just, uh, worked my ass off, berated my kids to try to get them to work. And, uh,

00:02:26.940 end of the day being pissy and moody. It was, it was, um, not an effective fatherhood form.

00:02:33.960 It's like that was his dad. Yep. This is dad. No, it's, uh, I watched a comedian on Instagram.

00:02:40.440 I'll have to figure out who it was right off. I can't, I can't remember who it was right

00:02:43.340 off hand, but he had, he had done a little, a little sketch of the differences between

00:02:48.820 mother's day and father's day. And the mom comes in and she's like, I'm so excited for

00:02:56.020 all the wonderful presents for the entire week of mother's day. And the dad comes in and

00:03:01.960 he's like, all right, you know, hurry up. I'm going to go mow the lawn. So I need you

00:03:06.300 guys to hurry up with this thing so I can get out 20 minutes tops. Like I got to go mow

00:03:09.560 the lawn. And then, you know, the mom's got all of her gifts and her like bouquet of

00:03:14.720 flowers and elaborate presents. And the dad gets this little card on, on a folded eight

00:03:21.700 by, uh, 11 and a half sheet of paper. And it's like, by one of his kids, happy, happy

00:03:27.200 father's day, dad, you're awesome. And he, and he said, this is funny. He says, Oh, this

00:03:31.940 is great kids. It looks like you spent just as about as much time making this card as you

00:03:36.400 did on me making you. Oh, just funny, man. The differences between just men and

00:03:44.380 women in general, the celebration. And I'm not by any means saying I want a bigger

00:03:47.800 celebration. I'm just pointing out the differences between the sexes, which to me 0.76

00:03:51.700 is hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. That's super funny. All right, man. Should we get in

00:03:56.280 some headlines? We got some good ones, I think. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. You're up. I

00:04:00.300 don't, you don't know about mine. I think I've got a good one today. I'm pretty

00:04:04.520 confident. It's a good one. It's also disturbing. So, uh, this one's from June

00:04:08.600 14th. So I think it was Friday, uh, coming from Fox news. This, the, the

00:04:13.760 headline is house passes defense bill automatically registering men 18 through

00:04:18.000 26 for the draft. So this is part of the NDAA, which is the national defense

00:04:23.660 authorization act. This is something that takes place every year and it

00:04:27.680 establishes the annual budget for, uh, our military spending. And in it, part of

00:04:34.860 it was this bill that automatically, like I said, registers men 18 through 26 for

00:04:40.920 the draft. Now, a lot of people are up in arms about this. And I, I don't, I

00:04:46.920 don't like this either because anytime you get the government involved in this even

00:04:50.620 more, it only gets worse. It doesn't get better. But one thing people do need to

00:04:54.780 know is the selective service, which is what it's actually called. Most people

00:04:59.760 know it as, uh, just being, you know, like, uh, the automatic registration,

00:05:05.460 right? Yeah. So when you turn 18, um, yeah, right. So the selective service is

00:05:12.080 already mandatory for men between the ages of 18 through 24. It's mandatory. But when, 0.77

00:05:19.260 when a young man turns 18, he has to enroll in selective services. Now, is that

00:05:24.680 if he identifies as a young man or just biological men are required?

00:05:30.240 That's, I don't actually know the answer to that question, but that's a very, very

00:05:35.380 good question actually. So I don't, I don't know the answer to that. Um, but

00:05:41.240 there's a couple of things in here. Like one, one thing that was notable to me

00:05:44.400 with this NDAA, uh, bill is the, I'm trying to find it here. Uh, largest ever

00:05:51.520 military pay raise in history, 19 and a half percent increase for junior

00:05:56.300 enlisted troops and a four and a half percent increase for others. So there's

00:06:04.360 that, uh, it also has funding for a few new submarines establishment of a drone

00:06:11.320 force within the U S army, which I think makes sense. But here's what really got

00:06:17.180 under my skin a little bit, not only the automatic enrollment and the talking point

00:06:23.400 on this is that it will save money by automatically enrolling these young men

00:06:27.260 versus them have to register. Got it. So I, I didn't catch that. So the difference

00:06:31.900 is you and I, and my, even my three boys, they, they got a thing in the mail and they

00:06:38.400 had to register. This is auto registering. Correct. Young men. Got it. And it extends it 0.95

00:06:45.840 out another two years because right now it's mandatory for 18 through 24 year olds

00:06:50.400 under this new bill. It would be 18 through 26. Got it. So now, now I do want

00:06:56.740 to be clear. If you did not register for selective services between the ages of 18

00:07:01.980 to 24, uh, you could be charged with a felony. Yeah. So it, it's, it's serious

00:07:08.840 business. Yeah. It's not, but here's what really got to me. No, you've got to do this.

00:07:13.660 So this one comes from, uh, this bill was led by representative Chrissy Houlihan, which

00:07:20.020 makes sense. It sounds a lot like hooligan. Uh, and she's a Democrat out of Pennsylvania. 1.00

00:07:26.440 This was passed. It says here, the committee passed this in an overwhelming 57 to one vote.

00:07:31.360 Here's a quote from her by using available federal databases. The selective service agency

00:07:37.700 will be able to register all of the individuals required and thus ensure that any future here,

00:07:44.780 focus on this, any future military draft is fair and equitable.

00:07:52.620 Houlihan said during the debate last month, according to defense news, I'm going to read

00:07:56.220 another thing of what she said, but I want to focus on that percentages of race. 0.90

00:08:02.320 That's what it, that's what you would think. Yeah. Right. That, that's what, that's what

00:08:09.080 that would mean. So let's say for example, and I'm, I'm ballparking, I'm not exact on these

00:08:14.040 numbers and I'm, I'm overgeneralizing here, but let's say that there's, uh, 60% of, of the

00:08:22.340 population. I think it's probably lower, but 60% of the population in the U S is white, let's 1.00

00:08:25.980 say, and let's say 19%, 19 and a half, I believe roughly I could be off is, is black. So equitable

00:08:33.060 distribution based on race alone would be 60% white, 20% black. That that's what you would 0.76

00:08:40.480 think. But anytime the government gets involved and starts using the words fair and equitable,

00:08:46.860 you pretty much know it's going to be exactly opposite of that. Yeah. Because what's going

00:08:52.020 going to happen is there's going to be protected classes. There's going to be minorities. There's

00:08:58.060 going to be, uh, other classes based on sexual orientation would also be a protected class.

00:09:03.320 I mean, we're in pride month right now. These are protected classes. And so fair and equitable, 0.99

00:09:08.900 equitable doesn't mean equal. That's where people lose the argument a little bit. They think that

00:09:14.400 equitable means equal. It doesn't equitable means equal outcome, not equal starting point or

00:09:21.840 level playing field. So what the government will do is when they're trying to achieve not

00:09:26.300 equality, but equity is they'll play with the numbers. They'll manipulate the data. They'll

00:09:34.000 fiddle with everything in order to create what they would deem an equitable fair outcome as opposed

00:09:41.800 to equitable equal input. So that's where I get concerned is when a government starts talking

00:09:48.760 about fair and equitable, you're really starting to blur the lines between a free market, capitalistic

00:09:55.880 republic and socialism, communism, et cetera. Uh, she also says this will allow us to rededicate

00:10:04.120 resources. Basically that means money. Thank you. Thank you, congressmen for telling us that

00:10:10.120 dedicating resources means money. We're not retarded. I know you think we're a lower class of people,

00:10:18.280 but thank you for explaining that to me towards readiness, excuse me, reading readiness and

00:10:24.000 towards mobilization. So rather than towards education and advertising campaigns driven to

00:10:30.640 register people. So what she's saying is that we don't need to dedicate all this money towards

00:10:35.140 advertising campaigns and recruiting opportunities to recruit young men into the military because we're

00:10:41.740 just going to enlist them. Yeah. At a choice in agency, we'll, we'll just dictate it instead.

00:10:47.260 And here's an idea. Why in the world, this is not rhetorical, but why in the world do we have the

00:10:53.000 lowest recruiting and retention numbers that we've ever had throughout the history of, of this country?

00:10:59.500 It's not because we're not registering people for selective service. It's because of this woke agenda.

00:11:08.620 It's because of organizations like the Navy adopting this gay pride flag, this LGBTQ plus flag

00:11:17.600 into their marketing campaign. And instead of telling people, you know, an army of one,

00:11:25.280 come here to learn discipline and dedication and serve a noble cause. Instead of that messaging,

00:11:31.460 the messaging is come here and find out about yourself, express yourself, be a fucking individual 0.89

00:11:38.120 instead of being a member of the team.

00:11:42.920 This is what we need. Look, I, I believe in rugged individualism. I do. As long as it's all directed

00:11:49.820 towards going towards the same objective, that's true diversity. You know, people will say, well,

00:11:55.660 diversity is power. Diversity alone is not power. Yeah. Okay. If, if, if, if you've got me,

00:12:02.340 a white straight Christian male on, and you have a gay black atheist on the podcast and him and I are

00:12:12.820 co-hosts, is that going to make this a better podcast necessarily? No, we're just going to be

00:12:19.780 fighting the whole time. Yeah. Like we're, we're, there's no unification in our vision to your point.

00:12:28.120 But if, if you bring me on as, uh, you know, somebody who grew up in a, uh, a single parent household,

00:12:37.820 middle class, lower middle class, I would say from a very small rural town in Southern Utah,

00:12:45.200 but I believe in manliness and masculinity. And then you bring on another man, white or black, 0.66

00:12:49.800 I don't really care who grew up in the, in, in the city, maybe came from, uh, uh, a family with both,

00:12:56.820 uh, a mom and a dad there, maybe a better, a little better economic status. And he comes on,

00:13:02.460 but he believes in masculinity and he believes in the power of having men, good, righteous men.

00:13:06.680 And then we discuss that from differing viewpoints, but we're moving in the same direction that to me

00:13:13.940 is, could potentially represent powerful diversity, but you have to be unified. And we have a military

00:13:20.920 now that is not unified in purpose. I mean, I don't know how many percentage of the people in this

00:13:27.980 country even believe that America is even worth fighting for, to be honest with you, the way it is.

00:13:32.160 Yeah. So these things like, I think you can massage and manipulate and use some clever words.

00:13:39.360 Um, but at the end of the day, when you start talking about a government deciding what's fair

00:13:45.800 and equitable, you have this, this woman hooligan right here telling us that treating us like idiots, 1.00

00:13:53.620 this will allow us to rededicate resources. Basically that means money towards reading readiness

00:14:00.040 and towards mobilization. I like this is going to go South. It's probably not going to pass quite

00:14:06.460 honestly. And I looked at this and I'll, and I'll get off the soapbox here. It's probably not going

00:14:10.500 to pass in the Senate because there's some other, of course, this is, this is ridiculous, but it says

00:14:16.540 here, of course. And I think that should be illegal, but it says unsurprisingly, the legislation coming

00:14:22.340 out of the house today is loaded with anti-LGBTQ, anti-choice, anti-environment and other divisive

00:14:27.400 amendments guaranteed not to pass the Senate. So they throw a bunch of other stuff in here,

00:14:32.640 like vote on one thing. Yeah. And let us tell you as our representatives, what we agree with or what

00:14:39.320 we don't agree with. And then you can pass a separate bill for something entirely different.

00:14:43.020 Yeah. Anyways, that's my headline for today. Yeah. I like it. I like it. All right.

00:14:51.000 A couple of weeks ago, Joe, um, Missoula, he's the head coach for the Boston Celtics, uh, during an

00:14:58.660 interview. And this was roughly about probably, I think it was just a couple of weeks ago or a week

00:15:02.360 ago. The, uh, the interview went like this. He was asked this question for the first time since 1975.

00:15:08.580 This is the NBA finals where you have two black head coaches. Yahoo sports reporter, Vince Goodwill

00:15:15.900 said, given the plight sometimes of black head coaches in the NBA, do you think this is a significant

00:15:22.040 movement? Do you take pride in this? How do you view this? Or do you see it at all? And then, uh,

00:15:29.220 Joe replied, I wonder how many of those coaches have been Christians. And, and if you've seen this,

00:15:36.920 it was like 10 seconds of silence. No one knew what to do with it. And what I love about this is,

00:15:47.100 this is a great example of how he sees himself and has, and how he sees the world. What's important

00:15:54.500 to Joe, not his skin color. Yeah. His belief, his faith, his faith. That's it. And, and this is his way

00:16:02.800 of saying, no, I, I actually don't, that didn't even cross my mind. Cause I was, I'm more interested

00:16:07.480 in if someone's a Christian or not than if, if they're black or white. And I just, I loved it.

00:16:13.680 I was a great example, um, of someone that, uh, is just not jumping onto the common narratives,

00:16:20.980 um, and looking beyond skin color. And he obviously is defining himself more around his beliefs

00:16:28.460 and his moral compass than he does anything else. And it was, it was, uh, it was awesome.

00:16:35.560 It was so good. I saw that clip and I didn't, my thought when I saw the clip is like, right when

00:16:43.160 it came on, I didn't say, Oh, there's a black guy.

00:16:48.880 Isn't that funny? I don't, it's funny to me that we're even having this discussion because look,

00:16:54.300 I'm not saying there aren't racists out there. There are. Yeah. But do you know anybody who's

00:16:59.720 like, Oh my, Oh my God, that coach is black. Cross your mind. It wouldn't, it didn't even 1.00

00:17:08.060 cross my mind. Did I, did I recognize that he had darker skin than me? Sure. I mean, obviously.

00:17:13.640 Yeah. Just like I would recognize somebody who has blonde hair over black hair, but I, I wasn't

00:17:19.780 upset about like, this does just doesn't happen. But I think the media really plays it up,

00:17:26.440 especially in sports. And I know that might be a little bit, uh, I don't think it's racist

00:17:32.040 necessarily, but it's, it's stereotypical, but this is a, I don't know. Is he a basketball coach?

00:17:38.200 Basketball coach. Yeah. For the Celtics. I mean, come on. Like you would assume that race 1.00

00:17:43.280 is a basketball. I mean, come on. Totally. I don't know why we do this. Like we all have

00:17:50.560 to beat around the bush and pretend like I don't see race and just call it like it is.

00:17:56.400 It's not racist. I don't know what the percentage is, but obviously there's a significant amount

00:18:01.620 of men in the NBA and college who are black and yeah, it's more, it's more odd to maybe see

00:18:09.700 a white guy than it is seeing a black guy. Totally. Totally. Yeah. Um, yeah. The other, 0.83

00:18:18.820 I don't really know who this guy is, but I've only seen two clips. I saw that one and I saw one months

00:18:23.100 or maybe a year ago and a reporter had said, Hey, how was it having the a Royal family at the game?

00:18:29.760 And he's like, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, because that's the only Royal family I acknowledge. And

00:18:35.960 they're like, no, the Royal family from England. He's like, Oh, I don't know anything about that.

00:18:39.540 I, I didn't really notice they were there. This guy is so good. He is so good. I love it.

00:18:45.980 Super awesome. I love it. Yeah. All right. Should we get into some questions?

00:18:51.220 Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. All right. So Matthew Nielsen, excuse me, his question,

00:18:56.860 what kind of tips would you have for effectively and efficiently going through from a section leader

00:19:03.000 of five to seven employees under his command to a warehouse supervisor, 40 plus employees under his

00:19:09.180 command. I'm temporarily being promoted to this position, just interviewed for a full-time job

00:19:14.840 in this role. And I wanted to be successful and lead those under my, under me to be just,

00:19:20.760 if not more successful than I am. First things first, congratulations. That's a good move.

00:19:27.580 Upward mobility. I love it. That's exciting. Second thing is as you go from, let's say seven to 40,

00:19:36.340 you're not going to know these people as intimately as you do the seven. So there's going to be a large

00:19:42.780 disconnect. So here's what I would suggest to you as quickly as you can out of the 40,

00:19:48.640 identify the four to five leaders in the 40 there. And they're going to be, they're going to be the

00:19:53.260 ring leaders. Yep. They're going to be the people, other people ask questions to there. They look to,

00:19:58.920 they solve problems. They put their head down. They're already doing it. Yeah. And you got to manage

00:20:04.320 these 40 people, but your job now is to get to know the way you know, you're five to seven people

00:20:11.000 to get to know your four to five people out of the 40 and get them on board with you.

00:20:19.900 Share with them. Ask, this is even more importantly than sharing, ask questions of them. Tell me about

00:20:27.160 the way you guys run this. Tell me about what works. Tell me what doesn't work. If you were in

00:20:33.060 my position, what would you do differently than you're doing today? Why is that not working the

00:20:39.040 way it is? Not accusatory, but inquisitive. Help me understand the culture here. What do I need to know

00:20:45.980 that I'm stepping into? I don't want to step on a hornet's nest. I want this to be a good thing.

00:20:50.360 What do I need to know that I don't know or can't see, or maybe corporate doesn't fully

00:20:54.500 see what's going on, man. You get the four to five leaders that are already in the group

00:20:59.960 on board with you, not by explaining all the wonderful shit you're going to do, 0.80

00:21:03.860 but by believing that they are capable, strong leaders, even if they don't have the title,

00:21:10.520 they're going to help you manage this. Yeah. Be humble. Ask good questions. Don't go in there

00:21:17.580 swinging your dick around thinking that you've got all the answers. Let these people tell you

00:21:23.040 and build up rapport with those four to five and the other 40 to 50 or whatever it is will follow

00:21:28.560 suit. Yeah. You will be tempted to think you know. And I just want to call out what you just said.

00:21:36.840 You don't know. You're not going to know. So stop assuming that you and your ivory tower have all the

00:21:44.880 insights of what's going on. Mark my word. You think you do, but you don't. Right. And until you're

00:21:51.360 asking the questions, you're not going to, this has been a, this has been a, an eye opener for me

00:21:57.120 of late Ryan, because, you know, I've always struggled with being a position of authority

00:22:06.040 and thinking that, um, regardless of where you are in the org structure, you can have a really big

00:22:12.920 impact on all the employees. And, and I used to like generally speak that or believe that. And I

00:22:19.440 actually don't think I agree anymore. And, and it's really just based upon what you just said

00:22:24.740 is you can't know them. And there's a big difference between being a position of authority

00:22:32.640 and it being a position of influence and be careful because your authority comes with a stick

00:22:39.460 and you can make movements and you can do things, but you don't want to be influencing people

00:22:46.140 using your position of in your, your position of authority. You need to be using influence.

00:22:52.700 And at 40 people, you're just not going to have that type of influence period. I had a conversation

00:22:59.880 with a guy in the IC years ago, and I love this example. So I'll share it is it was one of the mentors

00:23:06.540 and he was struggling with the battle team leader, listening to him. Right. He's like, Oh, I,

00:23:11.380 you know, I asked him to do this stuff and he doesn't follow up and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like,

00:23:15.180 well, are you in a position of influence? He's like, yeah, I think so. I have these coaching

00:23:19.540 calls. I tell him what he needs to improve on. I'm here to help him. And I go, how's his wife?

00:23:26.700 How's his kids? I don't know. I don't know. Then you don't have influence, right? I think it's

00:23:33.960 Dale Carnegie. No one cares about what you have to say until they know how much, you know, or how much

00:23:38.040 you care. Guess what? You can't have a solid caring relationship with 40 people. That's why you

00:23:45.160 need to delegate and you need to have those fire team leads in place that they can do that, that

00:23:49.640 they can understand what's going on. And then you can trust them. It's not because you don't care.

00:23:54.140 It's just, it's not possible. Once you have so many people underneath your command.

00:24:02.200 Well, I mean, what, what else do you say? Well, so, you know, I actually, there is one thing I was

00:24:07.520 thinking of, as you said that when you talked about knowing these people and building influence them,

00:24:12.100 influence with them, you talked about how's their wife, how's their kids. You can't game this. And

00:24:17.160 I think a lot of people will try to do it as a manipulation tactic. Totally. Good call. It's

00:24:21.420 like, Hey Kip, how's your wife? And you're like, Oh, she's having a hard time. Oh, I'm sorry to hear

00:24:25.360 that. Anyways, how's the numbers? It has to be really tell me about what's going on. I had, okay.

00:24:33.960 I had a call with somebody in, in you said the IC, the iron council. For those of you don't know,

00:24:39.160 I had a call with a guy who's, who's been in the iron council for a while. And I'll, I'll keep this

00:24:43.000 pretty vague. Cause I don't want to let on any, any names here or anything like that. But, um,

00:24:49.200 I had a call with him for some performance, uh, discussions inside the iron council.

00:24:55.040 And I knew that him and his wife were going through a very difficult time.

00:25:01.380 And so I got on the phone with him and I said, tell me about what's going on.

00:25:05.280 And he started going through the numbers. I mean, I don't, not the numbers.

00:25:09.020 Tell me what's going on with you guys. Yeah. And he said, Oh, here's what's going on. Here's this

00:25:14.280 and this and this and this. And man, we had a really good discussion about his own personal life.

00:25:18.980 And then towards the end of the call, he said, Hey, so about the numbers, I said, I don't want to

00:25:22.340 hear about the numbers. He's like, what? I'm like, I don't, we'll talk about that another day.

00:25:28.320 I was calling for you. If you want to email me the numbers or you want to, we want to talk about

00:25:33.980 it next week, we can do that. But I'm, I want to talk with you. And that wasn't manipulation.

00:25:39.700 That wasn't me trying to, you know, weasel my way in to build up any sort of false influence with him.

00:25:46.500 I actually care about the guy. Like I genuinely care. He's a friend of mine,

00:25:50.700 I genuinely care about his wellbeing. The numbers we'll get to that stuff. That stuff can always be

00:25:57.600 addressed. I thought about this even, man, if I were to die, let's say I had a call with him

00:26:03.980 and I were to die 24, 40 hours later, you know, what's going to be a greater impact?

00:26:11.000 Me getting the numbers from him or me actually caring about what's going on in his personal life.

00:26:18.020 This is something that actually takes place a lot in the LDS church. There's the concept. I don't

00:26:24.600 know what they call it now. Kip, tell me, but it's home teaching. Yeah. They changed it, right? It's

00:26:29.700 something else. Or is it still home teaching? Yeah, I think it's still home teaching.

00:26:34.840 Okay. Okay. You're supposed to, I don't need to know these things. You're supposed to know these

00:26:40.860 things. Anyways, the concept is good. The concept is that you take a man of the ward, right? Which is

00:26:52.500 the community, the congregation. And he has two, three, four families in the neighborhood that he's

00:26:58.700 responsible for checking in on, following up on, serving, making sure everything's good, answering

00:27:05.260 any questions, just helping. Fellowship is what we would call it. Yeah. And all congregations have

00:27:09.940 the concept of fellowship. But the problem is, is that so many people get so wrapped up in the

00:27:16.100 numbers. Hey, did you reach out to your families? And you're like, yeah, I got a hold of three. I have

00:27:20.600 four, but I got a hold of three. Okay. 75%. Bro, it's not 75%. Stop writing that down. Yeah. You're

00:27:30.080 treating people like garbage. Instead of saying 75%. Why don't you say, hey, okay, how are the three

00:27:37.980 families that you saw? How are they doing? Is there anything? Oh, this and this and this. Here's what

00:27:41.740 they're struggling with. Here's where they're doing well. Tell me about the one family you didn't get

00:27:45.020 a hold of. Well, you know, I couldn't get a hold of them because the husband and the wife are going

00:27:50.800 through a divorce right now. And the husband moved out. He's moved across town or he moved to a different

00:27:57.780 state because of work and the wife's all alone or whatever, you know, whatever the situation is.

00:28:03.000 She's not, she and he, the husband and wife of that situation, they're not the 25%. Those are real

00:28:09.200 people. Yeah. Dealing with real problems. And so I know we have to report and we have to get the

00:28:16.520 numbers and we need some of this data, but unless it drives to actual meaningful engagement connection,

00:28:21.860 nothing is ever going to change. Totally. So I love when you talk about this difference between

00:28:28.480 authority and influence. Everybody thinks, man, once they get, once they get that little placard on

00:28:32.360 their desk or their door, they are king shit. And you're not, you're not any better. In fact,

00:28:38.900 you're probably worse because some of those people think less of you because you're in that position.

00:28:42.600 Totally. Prove them wrong by actually caring about them.

00:28:45.600 Yeah. And that authority hurts us sometimes. I'll give you an example. I use this example on Friday,

00:28:52.000 literally Friday in a leadership meeting. I use this example where if I go schedule a meeting with

00:28:58.360 a friend and worker, like, you know, in the report structure, right? A individual contributor. If I

00:29:04.840 schedule a meeting with them for next week, that employee is going to have anxiety for a week leading up to

00:29:11.040 that meeting. Why? Because of my position of authority. Uncertainty. Yeah. They're on their

00:29:16.520 heels going, what the hell? Why am I having to meet with Kip? And why? Because I'm not in a position

00:29:23.100 of influence with them. They just know me as a, as a, an executive. So I, you got to be mindful of that.

00:29:31.440 One thing that you said, Ryan, that I think is so profound around not faking it. This is in anyone in

00:29:38.280 a leadership role, such as this brother. This is what you need to believe. And it may not be true for

00:29:45.160 everybody. You got to believe this. And I, I pulled up a presentation that we did for our, for our leadership

00:29:50.320 here in the iron council. People want to have a significant impact. They want to be utilized and

00:29:58.340 contributing in meaningful ways and being challenged in the work that they're doing. Fact, everybody wants to

00:30:06.720 have significant impact. So that means when they're not quote unquote performing, when one of those 40

00:30:14.580 employees is dropping the ball and they're not doing something, you can't jump to all there. They are a

00:30:22.420 crappy employee and there's something wrong with their character. Your job is to believe in them. And then

00:30:29.000 what you said, Ryan, go ask the questions. What's going on? How can I help you? How do I support you

00:30:37.320 better? You have to believe in people because if you don't, the minute I don't believe in you, Ryan,

00:30:43.700 and I go make that phone call and go, Hey dude, how's your family doing? You can smell it a mile away.

00:30:50.220 You don't, you don't give a shit about me. Right. And everything else is just going to be a lie.

00:30:55.760 Oh, I just want you to be successful in your job. No, you want me to hit, hit certain numbers. So

00:31:01.100 you don't look bad. Like everyone knows. So you have to really believe it. You have to believe in

00:31:07.660 people. And by the way, that's a cycle. That's a psychology air. They call it a fundamental

00:31:13.140 attribution air. When you attribute people's lack of performance to their character. And you'll hear

00:31:20.440 this all the time. Well, you know, Ryan, that's just the way he is. Oh yeah. That guy, that's the way

00:31:24.580 that's all lazy thinking is what it is. Critical thinker goes to the table and goes, talk to me.

00:31:32.960 What's going on? What am I not doing as a leader to assist and support you and et cetera.

00:31:39.740 It's good, man. Hey, one thing I'm going to, I'm going to say another thing we can go on and on

00:31:43.640 about this all day, but I think this is really important. No, no, don't be sorry. This is really

00:31:47.940 good stuff. And look, I always tell guys too, if this exact scenario doesn't apply to you

00:31:53.300 specifically, obviously I get that figure out how it applies to you. In what ways are you a leader?

00:32:00.580 And can you take the principles and concepts that Kip and I are sharing today and apply it to your

00:32:05.100 specific situation, even though you may not be managing 40 people, but here's one thing that

00:32:10.760 you talked about. You said, Hey, can I talk to you, an employer or a boss or a supervisor or team

00:32:17.900 leader saying that to an employee? Can I talk to you next week? Now this person has a week to fret

00:32:23.440 over what in the world's going on. And anytime we assume, do we assume favorably or unfavorably?

00:32:28.980 Always unfavorably. Unfavorably. It's always unfavorably. So don't ever leave your people in 1.00

00:32:34.540 the dark. And this goes for you as husbands too. Let's say you want to talk with your wife about

00:32:39.860 something. The, the, an inappropriate way to do that is, Hey hon, I'd like to talk to you tonight.

00:32:46.720 I have some things I want to share with you. See you in eight hours or that's not fair. Yeah. Or I

00:32:54.080 have a really tough conversation to have. See you later. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. Hope you have a good

00:33:01.020 day. What an a-hole women and men do that to each other all the time. It's very selfish. It's, 1.00

00:33:07.620 it's just not thoughtful, respectful. Yeah. It's thoughtful. That's probably a better,

00:33:13.260 it's, you're just not thinking of the, how the other person might respond to that. Instead of

00:33:17.400 saying, Hey, I need to talk with you about something very important tonight. See you at five

00:33:21.300 when you get home. I actually think you should prepare somebody a little bit. So here's how I

00:33:26.580 might say it. Hey hon, I was going through the money situation today and man, it looks a little tight.

00:33:31.640 I think we're going to be okay, but I'd like to talk with you tonight about how we can tighten

00:33:35.720 things up over the next 30 to 60 days to make sure that we're going to meet at make sure ends meet

00:33:41.380 over the next 60 days, not upset or anything. We just have a few things to lock in. Can we do that

00:33:46.440 call tonight? That's way more thoughtful than, Hey, we need to have a talk about money. You good for

00:33:54.540 five o'clock tonight? Come on. Like there are better ways to communicate. And if there's any sort of

00:34:01.580 breakdown in a relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, professional, it's the ability to

00:34:08.220 communicate effectively. So be thoughtful and respectful to your people and don't just put

00:34:13.940 them out there, string them out to try to assume what's going on. Give them a little bit of help.

00:34:19.880 So they don't think if you go to your wife and say, Hey, man, we're having a hard time.

00:34:24.200 I really, we really need to talk tonight, dude. She's going to think you've cheated on her. 1.00

00:34:29.860 She's going to think you're asking for a divorce. She's going to think something catastrophic, 0.88

00:34:35.280 maybe happened to one of the kids or you got fired. She's going to think the worst of what's

00:34:42.500 going to happen. And it could be simple as, Hey, do you want to go to date on a date on Thursday

00:34:47.240 night or Friday night? Don't do that to your people. Yeah. I'm laughing just cause I'm,

00:34:53.040 I'm thinking of all the times I've totally did that. Yeah. We need to talk. Well, this is,

00:34:58.580 it's great. This is the difference. And I think it's important to know your, your people.

00:35:06.000 I'm an anxious attachment style that that's my personality. So you have avoidant and you have

00:35:12.000 anxious and you have secure. And in some things I'm secure and other things I'm anxious. I'm never

00:35:17.440 avoidant. That is not in my vocabulary is not my personality. So when somebody says something

00:35:24.840 overthinker triggers, like what could it be? What's going on? What's wrong? Worst case scenario,

00:35:31.360 catastrophic at the end of the world, because I'm an anxious attachment. So it's important to know

00:35:37.200 that about your person too, because that will help you communicate more effectively with them.

00:35:41.220 I like it. All right. Next question. Dimitri Gullivan, my wife and I are expecting our first

00:35:47.440 baby middle of December. And I think Dimitri, I follow him on the gram. He just got married too.

00:35:53.480 No idea what it is yet. We're holding off on getting our first scan done until the second

00:35:58.360 trimester. I both, I hold both yours and Kip's opinions at high regards. And I wanted to ask you

00:36:05.000 both if you have any advice for first time fathers. Also, is there anything you would have definitely done

00:36:10.560 differently? I know you can't cover all basis and podcast covers plenty, but it'd be awesome to know

00:36:16.080 if anything in particular sticks out to you guys. Now in hindsight, thanks for all your help and

00:36:20.420 guidance over the years. Uh, when, when he said, I don't know what it is yet. The first thing that

00:36:26.760 came to mind is it's a human. I'm pretty sure it's a human. I don't know why. I don't know why I

00:36:33.160 he said, I don't know what it is. Dimitri, that's, that's funny for him.

00:36:38.820 You're laughing. Uh, yeah, fair enough at me. All right. So, um, that's my dad. Maybe my dad

00:36:47.320 side of me for today. Uh, for sure we should start with, we should, we should incorporate a dad jokes

00:36:54.900 advice too. Yeah. Um, uh, advice for first time fathers. I have two things that I would share

00:37:03.600 with you. You're going to hear a lot and a lot of it's good. A lot of it, maybe not so good, but

00:37:07.260 when you're a new father, the connection that you have with your child is not nearly as strong as

00:37:15.880 the connection that, that she will have with the baby. She, she's actually considered herself a

00:37:23.160 mother for nine, 10 months now because she feels this baby in her womb growing. And she's,

00:37:30.520 she's the one sacrificing to add nourishment and growth to this baby. There's a, it's so incredible.

00:37:37.180 So she feels so deeply connected and I'm not, maybe there's even an emotional connection based on

00:37:42.940 hormones and biology. I don't know. Yeah. But obviously there is for a woman, but I'm not sure 0.67

00:37:49.820 if that translates to a baby as well. She hears the baby, he or she hears the voice. Like, of course

00:37:54.760 there's gotta be. So it's, it's, I think it's harder for a man to be as connected to a baby as

00:38:03.940 it is for the mother. And that's okay. Like, obviously there's things that you can do, but 0.64

00:38:08.320 the first bit of advice that I can give you is to be very, very supportive of your wife

00:38:14.060 because there's actually not a whole lot you can do for the baby currently. That's not to say there

00:38:21.640 isn't anything, you know, there's, there's a lot, you can talk to the baby, you can touch the baby and

00:38:28.460 develop that physical connection. Um, you can play with, there's a lot you read to, there's a lot that

00:38:35.540 you can do, but you can't nurse the baby, right? You can't, there's, there's just so, there's just so

00:38:40.800 much there. And so I, I think in the early months, the best thing that you can do is obviously try to

00:38:48.900 formulate that connection with the baby, but really try to serve her and make it as good as you can for

00:38:55.700 her. Cause she's going to be tired. Postpartum is a big thing that women deal with. There's all sorts 1.00

00:39:02.280 of medication that women are taking now that weren't as common 30, 40, 50, a hundred years ago,

00:39:07.180 that messes with their hormones and their mood. And so if you can be supportive, she, if she's

00:39:13.640 going to breastfeed, then she's the one who's going to have to get up every two to three hours and nurse 1.00

00:39:18.140 the baby. You can't do that. So you're going to be able to sleep. That's going to be resent. She's

00:39:23.060 going to have some resentfulness towards that probably. Um, so if you can do the dishes that

00:39:29.060 are sitting around the sink, do the damn dishes. In your case, you don't have other kids,

00:39:34.740 your first time father, but if you have other kids, get the other kids out of the house for a

00:39:40.080 couple of hours, like go bowling, go golfing, go for a walk, like do whatever. So she can have her

00:39:46.860 time. You know, if the baby's napping, it's like, hon, why don't you take a nap too? Me and the other

00:39:52.320 kids are going to go do our thing. Whatever you can do to help facilitate this transition process for

00:39:58.980 her, I think is going to be really advantageous, obviously for her and the baby, but I promise

00:40:04.660 it's also going to help you in the long run. It's going to work for you too. Yeah. Uh, the only other

00:40:10.360 thing I would say outside of the normal advice that you get is you, your job now is to render yourself

00:40:16.460 obsolete. Your job is to put yourself out of work. And as a, as a baby, an infant, a toddler,

00:40:23.920 toddler, maybe that's not as applicable as it is for a child who's seven, eight, nine, 10, 16 years

00:40:30.200 old, but you need to start wrapping your head around the idea that it's your job not to coddle

00:40:36.140 and not to make life necessarily easier, but to introduce hardship, appropriate hardship in

00:40:44.080 controlled environments so they can go out and do their own thing. Now, inevitably, when I say that

00:40:48.260 there's always a select group of people, actually Frank Foreman is a person who said it the other day,

00:40:53.320 cause I offered this advice on Instagram and he said, well, it changes years older. Of course it

00:40:58.220 does. And I'm not saying just by rendering yourself obsolete, that you're going to be completely out

00:41:03.080 of a job as a father. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that I don't want, I have

00:41:09.980 four kids. My oldest is 16. I don't want to get a phone call from my 18 year old son in the next

00:41:16.680 couple of years saying, Hey dad, I need money for rent. Hey dad, I need you to bail me out of jail.

00:41:21.960 Yeah. Prepare. Hey dad, I got this woman pregnant. Can you like, what do I do? Like,

00:41:26.420 I don't want that call. Now we'll deal with it if it comes up, but my job is to make sure over 18 year

00:41:33.180 timeframe that I'm doing everything I can so that I never get those phone calls, not for my own sake,

00:41:38.860 but for the sake of my child. So you need to introduce them to hardship again, as a baby,

00:41:47.200 what can you do? Not a whole lot. Right. It's not like, Oh, they're, they're not going to eat as

00:41:52.100 much. Cause they need to know what it's like to be hungry. No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

00:41:57.120 Okay. Like do it appropriately based on their age. But, um, yeah, that's, that's my advice.

00:42:04.580 Yeah. I hope that lands. I think in, I'm surprised you didn't say this because I've, I've heard you

00:42:11.340 give this advice before. So I'm, I'm stolen from your playbook, but, um, you know, don't give up

00:42:17.400 on yourself. Right. We have a tendency. Sometimes we do it when we get married and then we do it when

00:42:22.100 we have our kids of like, all of a sudden I don't have guy friends. I don't go to the gym

00:42:26.540 and all these other things. So Dimitri spends a lot of time focused on his personal. I know Dimitri

00:42:31.820 spends a lot of time on his personal health. So don't let that slip. No, don't let it slip.

00:42:36.440 And then also let go of the expectation of how it's going to be like, it's going to be

00:42:41.460 different. And, and I think I didn't do this with our first couple of kids, but I certainly

00:42:45.640 did it with the other kids to get one of those baby strap things that you put your kid on and

00:42:51.700 do everything with your kid. Like you, you, you don't have to not go for a walk. You can still

00:42:59.000 go on hikes. You could still do all these things. Um, you're just going to have to do

00:43:03.640 it a little bit differently. And, and so don't adjust. And those things are good for your kids

00:43:08.120 anyway, right? Get them out and about and with you and all that kind of stuff. And then

00:43:12.260 the last thing is probably the biggest lesson I ever learned as a parent. And I didn't learn

00:43:17.920 until, you know, child three was a tad older that my wife and I, we are different. My role

00:43:29.040 is different than her role. And I need to embrace and celebrate her feminine, her extra empathy,

00:43:35.920 her caring and lovingness. And she also needs to embrace my masculine approach to parenting.

00:43:43.280 They're not at odds with each other. And that is super important that you guys get on the

00:43:49.780 same page that you're not going to be the same, but you're both providing value in your

00:43:54.740 unique frames of, of feminine and masculine. Otherwise what will happen is you guys will

00:43:59.820 be butting heads that you're not parenting exactly the same. Now you need to be supportive

00:44:05.520 of each other, but also embrace the fact that she's bringing something to the table that you

00:44:09.360 don't and that you're doing it as well. I, you know, I think the perfect illustration of that

00:44:18.440 Kip to, to a very small degree is the moment that you start teaching your son or daughter to ride their

00:44:24.040 bike. Yeah. Okay. That, that five-year-old, six-year-old, I think that's about right. Yep. Is

00:44:31.280 about the time where they start, they're on the training wheels, maybe bump the training wheels

00:44:35.620 up a little bit, maybe take the training wheels off. And so the first time they fall,

00:44:41.440 two things are going to happen. You're going to rush over and you're going to say, get up.

00:44:47.480 Mom's going to rush over and she's going to try to pick up the child and kiss her boo-boo and 1.00

00:44:51.420 put a bandaid on it and all that kind of stuff. Neither are wrong actually. Yeah. I don't,

00:44:56.280 I don't think either approach is wrong. One is more appropriate than the other at a certain time,

00:45:01.600 but they're not wrong. So a dad needs to be able to put his hand up and say, hon,

00:45:08.340 it's okay. Let him be. I got this. Just stand by for a second. And then you, as the father go over

00:45:17.500 and you pick the child up and you say, Hey, dust the thing off. I always told my kids don't like,

00:45:22.800 cause a baseball, I'm like, don't touch it. Don't rub it. Don't touch it. That's a sign of weakness.

00:45:27.920 Just leave it alone. So they, they, they would want to, I'm like, don't, I'd tell my kids when

00:45:33.240 I coach them, like, don't, they'd get hit with a fastball in the back. I'm like, don't touch it.

00:45:37.220 Pretend like it didn't hurt. That's the best thing you can do. And, uh, so I'd say now it's time to

00:45:43.020 get back on. So we get back on and we work back up the courage. And then when we were done, I'd say,

00:45:47.960 okay, go see mom. And they'd go inside and mom would wash them off and literally kiss their knee 1.00

00:45:55.500 and put a little SpongeBob or whatever door of the Explorer bandaid on her, on her leg and do 0.99

00:46:02.160 the thing that she needs to do. And that was lovely. That's beautiful. And also what I did

00:46:08.200 was also beautiful in the masculine. Right. And so I'd really appreciate that you said we honor both

00:46:14.920 of it. Um, and then the other thing I was going to say is with adapting, don't, don't, don't change

00:46:19.740 your life. Like I saw this woman the other day at the pool, she was probably like eight or nine months

00:46:23.440 pregnant. I mean, she was about ready to pop. Getting out. And she, she was awesome. It's

00:46:29.740 awesome. She's out there playing with other kids. She's got a bikini on. I'm like, good for that 0.99

00:46:35.260 woman. Like she's just living it up. She's playing with other kids. She's swimming around. She's about 0.94

00:46:39.820 to pop. She probably feels horrible. She feels bloated. I'm sure she feels miserable. She's hot. 0.72

00:46:45.140 She doesn't want to be out there. Her husband's probably annoying the hell out of her. And she's still 1.00

00:46:49.100 out there doing her thing. And then I see other women who have, who have babies and you know, 0.99

00:46:54.580 they're out camping and they're out exercising and they're out living their life. And I see

00:46:58.920 other women who are like, Oh, my baby, it needs to go to bed. And you can't come over and see anybody 1.00

00:47:04.040 because my baby, I'm like, Oh my, it's a baby. Like it's going to adapt to your life. Yeah.

00:47:10.260 Obviously within reason, but let the kid adapt to your life. It will, I promise you, but gosh,

00:47:16.280 you bring up some really good points there. I think we've addressed two questions. We're almost

00:47:21.140 up on time. So maybe we can speed this up a little bit on my end. All right. Ian McMadison. It's not

00:47:26.660 you, Kip. It's me. Oh, it's me too. If you started again from nothing, how would you do it all different

00:47:31.420 business-wise? Started again from nothing. I, I'm, I mean, I'm pretty, I'm pretty happy with what I did.

00:47:38.420 I don't think I would do anything else. So to answer your question, what do I feel like I did right?

00:47:44.280 I felt like I networked really well. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a good networker. I'm a good networker.

00:47:51.560 I know what people need. I, I, I can, I can see where their pains are. I'm very empathetic that way.

00:47:59.100 Yeah. I think a lot of that probably comes from how I was raised with my mom is she was very in tune.

00:48:04.360 And I think with her, bless her heart, it was to the extreme. It was a detriment at times,

00:48:10.240 but I think I picked up enough of it where I could be pretty in tune with when people were off

00:48:16.200 or something was wrong or there was a problem. And then combine that with my ability to problem

00:48:23.680 solve. I could begin to see the pieces like, Oh, Kip is struggling with this. And Oh, this guy's

00:48:28.880 struggling with this. Wow. What if I got those two people together? They could solve their,

00:48:32.380 their problems together. That requires a level of selflessness, right? If I introduce you to so

00:48:40.480 and so and you guys do business and I, yeah, honestly, and I'm saying this very, very trying

00:48:46.460 to say this very humbly. I've made other people millions of dollars over the past decade of doing

00:48:53.600 this. Literally millions and millions of dollars. I have yet to have received my check,

00:48:59.140 but that's not why I'm doing it. Yeah. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do.

00:49:06.320 And also I know that if I help as Zig Ziglar would say, and I'm paraphrasing enough people

00:49:11.160 get what they want, I will inevitably get what I want. Yeah. So I was a really, really good networker

00:49:18.940 early on. And a lot of that probably came from my financial planning practice and building a

00:49:23.260 word of mouth business and operating solely on referrals. So I developed a lot of that skill

00:49:28.220 coming into this, but I wouldn't do a thing different. But that is one thing that I think

00:49:32.900 really set me apart from the pack. Yeah. The, the, what I'm about to say is perfectly aligned with

00:49:38.540 you. Know what you're good at and hire out the rest too. Right? Like I, when I look back, when I sold

00:49:44.960 my book and then what I really stepped into was an established sales team within a couple months,

00:49:53.040 I was like, shit, man, if I had my own sales team, how much money would I have made? Right?

00:49:57.680 Like I, it was obvious to me that I should have doubled down and built a sales team earlier on in

00:50:06.480 my business versus me trying to do it on my own. And if I would have done that success would have

00:50:11.560 looked drastically different. And I, and I think the lessons learned there is because you might be a 0.98

00:50:16.500 great salesman. So your, your advice would be different. Right? So I think for me, know what

00:50:22.580 you're good at, know what you're good at. And if you're not good at it, and I've heard you say this,

00:50:26.720 right? Hey, I'm not good at that. So I, I'm going to hire that out. Identify what those are. Don't

00:50:32.540 think, well, I'll just handle it myself because then you'll be hindering yourself probably for a

00:50:36.660 period of time as well. Well, there, there, that begs another question and I'm writing this down.

00:50:42.420 How do you know what you're not good at? I'll tell you this. You hate it. You don't enjoy it.

00:50:48.020 Yeah. There's things we've got a guy, Steve Baumgartner. He's, he's a CEO. He's a manager type.

00:50:55.660 Like he's very structured, very organized. He creates systems. And sometimes I'm like, Steve,

00:51:00.100 I can't even speak that language. And I hate it. Like not, I don't like it or it's not enjoyable.

00:51:09.460 I hate it. All I want to do, if you guys want to know, all I want to do is I want to podcast

00:51:16.020 and I want to get behind the camera and share concepts and insights in the iron council.

00:51:26.400 That's the only thing I want to do. Now I do a lot more than that. Yeah. But that is the only thing

00:51:31.000 I want to enjoy. Yeah. Cause I love it. I enjoy it. It's fun. It's energizing. I don't walk away from

00:51:37.760 this podcast kept going. Oh God, thanks. I'm so glad that's over. Yeah. I never do either.

00:51:43.800 I walk away from this. Like that was awesome. Like, Oh, we talked about this and this and this.

00:51:48.460 And Oh man, we missed, we could have talked about this and we didn't like, I walk away

00:51:52.820 energized from it. And those are really good indicators that you're good at something

00:51:56.920 or that you can be good at it and you will never be good at it. If it's something you despise.

00:52:02.020 Yeah. That's a good point. All right. Hello, Mr. Davis. How would you handle a manager from

00:52:07.460 a different department trying to manage you during a collaborative project?

00:52:16.520 I don't know all the specifics. I'm assuming based on what you're saying, he is not

00:52:21.500 above you in the hierarchy of the chain of command. Yeah. I've been assuming. So then you need to,

00:52:27.120 so you need to direct it very clearly. So I'll role play with you, Kip. Hey, Kip, we've got this

00:52:34.220 project going on and I'm very excited about it. You are too, right? Like, what are you excited about?

00:52:38.200 I'm excited about telling you what to do because I'm more seasoned.

00:52:43.540 And, and look, if you said something like that, here's what I would say. Hey, you know what? I

00:52:47.240 welcome it, man. If you have insight, that's good for me. Please feel free to share. Can I ask you a

00:52:54.000 favor though? Absolutely. Just share that with me directly. Don't undermine me on my team. Because

00:53:00.680 I don't want to undermine the structure of the team and I don't, and I'll share it with the team,

00:53:05.540 but I would appreciate if you came to me first and let me address any critique or suggestions

00:53:09.680 that you have. Is that fair? Absolutely. Like we don't have to get offended about anything the

00:53:14.720 person says and you don't have to be assertive and bold. Yeah. And take their feedback. No.

00:53:19.800 For consideration doesn't mean you have to do what they coach you about. Yeah. But let's say you gave

00:53:25.580 me an answer that would be more likely, which is like, Oh, I'm excited about increasing revenue or

00:53:30.660 whatever. Right. Say, Oh man, I think you and I are going to work together. Great. I've been really

00:53:34.900 excited about the work that we've done over the past two weeks, but I do have a concern. Can I bring

00:53:39.380 that up with you? Yeah. And look, this is not meant to undermine you or say that I don't appreciate

00:53:45.300 what you brought to the table, but I'm having a hard time with the way that I feel when you

00:53:50.240 communicate with me in a certain way. What do you mean? And the way that I feel when you tell me

00:53:58.880 things, but you make it so matter of factly, I feel like I'm not as appreciated for the expertise

00:54:05.840 and knowledge that I have and that my suggestions and ideas aren't being taken into consideration.

00:54:11.840 And I don't think you mean it that way, Kip. I really don't. I just want you to know how I feel

00:54:18.340 when you communicate it that way. Yeah. It's so great. Why? Because you just coached me

00:54:26.260 and I'm self-evaluating going, Hmm. Interesting that that, how I'm coming across might actually even

00:54:35.660 affect Ryan in, in ways that I never even consider for myself. Yeah. The beauty of this is that you

00:54:44.460 are not going in with operation shock and awe. Like you're not going to burn the building down

00:54:50.240 because he said something that offended you. And it could just be as simple as that. Maybe you are

00:54:55.640 thin-skinned and you need to be aware of that too. I've been thin-skinned. Like people say stuff on me,

00:55:01.660 social media all the time. And I'm like, Oh, and I want, and I just want to like torch everything.

00:55:08.260 It's like, well, hold on a second. Okay. Maybe that guy just sucks at communication,

00:55:12.140 which is probably accurate. Uh, it, in fact, I think more often than not, when it comes to

00:55:18.520 communication, the percentage of individuals who are out to get you, this guy, I don't think,

00:55:25.140 unless I'm completely mistaken, the odds are he doesn't dislike you. He's not out to get you.

00:55:31.780 He doesn't think less of you. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't want your job. He's just not good at

00:55:38.480 communication or, or so damn focused on himself that he's just trying to look good. And every

00:55:44.100 opportunity he gets to prop himself up a little bit and see if he's providing value, he's doing it.

00:55:49.940 Right. That's it. So, so when he does something you like, you don't call it out in public. You call

00:55:57.000 it out personally and you say, Hey Kip, you know, we're in this meeting and I brought up a suggestion

00:56:02.180 or I brought up a directive and I've thought a lot about this. I brought up directive. And what you said

00:56:07.300 was basically completely antithetical to what I suggested. And that's part of my responsibility

00:56:16.000 with this project. Um, and so I wanted to talk with you privately because I think these types

00:56:21.640 of conversations, not that they shouldn't be had, they certainly should, but it's more appropriate

00:56:27.140 that you and I discuss these things in private. And then we come together as a unified front to our

00:56:32.780 team. So you have my commitment that when I don't see things your way, I will always approach you

00:56:39.580 directly. And I would appreciate the same level of respect from you. Is that a fair request?

00:56:46.000 You have to get them to buy it to say yes. Yeah. Yeah. Of course it is. Yeah. Okay, good. So in the

00:56:51.220 future, if you see something that maybe you don't like, you'll come to me. You're comfortable with

00:56:56.660 that? Totally. Great. Yeah. Problem solved. And if he does it again, then you remind him, Hey Kip,

00:57:05.960 remember when we talked a couple of weeks ago and we said that we would just, you do this in private

00:57:10.520 again. You said we would discuss these things privately. You, you, we had, you remember that

00:57:16.300 conversation? Well, that isn't what happened today. Can you help me understand why? Yeah.

00:57:23.900 Like you can be assertive without being accusatory and let the person explain and what, and they'll

00:57:30.660 walk themselves into traps. That's the other thing you have to know is that a guy who's actually not

00:57:35.460 being honest or sincere. And I think most people are, but even if he's not, he'll walk himself into

00:57:40.640 a trap. You don't have to do it. He he'll do it himself. You just let him run the course and you

00:57:47.680 kind of exacerbate the process by letting him talk and explain, but that that's how I would handle it.

00:57:53.840 What would you add to that Kip? I'd add nothing to it. I think it's spot on. I mean, the reality of it is 0.99

00:57:59.520 your follow-up is critical. I think because often we won't do that. I'll go, I talked to Ryan about

00:58:05.620 this and did it again. And then we'll never address it. And people take reps period to learn

00:58:12.960 and to adapt and to change. So you got to stay on top of it, right? So when it doesn't happen,

00:58:18.140 you, you have to be like, Hey, remember what we talked about? Help me understand. How do we get back

00:58:24.000 on the same page here? How do I support you better? And making sure that we don't, we're not undermining

00:58:28.780 each other. And I love, I'm not really adding anything here. I'm just regurgitating what you've

00:58:34.620 already said, but I love the idea that owning your interpretation of the action and not using that

00:58:41.420 to attack them. That's so critical. We've done this, right? Hey, Ryan, I'm sure this wasn't your

00:58:47.060 intent, but when this happened, I interpreted it or it made me feel this way. Right. And I'm sure

00:58:52.740 that's not what you meant, but it's good for me to let you know that that's, that's my interpretation

00:58:57.760 of that kind of action. No one's going to argue with that. Cause I never, I never attacked you.

00:59:02.540 I just, I owned how I felt about it and I just communicated it. That's not that big of a deal.

00:59:08.820 And as long as you take that approach, whether in marriage or in the workplace,

00:59:12.440 your ability to communicate drastically increases. It goes South when you're the problem. And I come to

00:59:19.960 you and say, well, you always, and you, when you do this and, and it's about you, no, you own

00:59:24.820 your interpretation. And then you can ask them to make some adjustments.

00:59:31.440 Kip, there is one little pitfall that I see happening in this because I've had this situation

00:59:35.340 happen where, um, maybe you come to me with a problem and you do that. You're like, Hey,

00:59:42.800 my interpretation is this. And, and then me as the person you're communicating with gets super

00:59:47.860 defensive and almost agitated and aggressive where it's like, well, dude, you're reading it wrong.

00:59:52.200 What? It's not what I mean at all. Why are you doing that? Yeah, totally. Yeah. Like you just,

00:59:57.240 you need to lighten up, like stop acting like that. We've got a thing to do and you're being a baby

01:00:01.420 about it. I've had people do this. Yeah. And, and in those moments, the answer to that, to role play

01:00:06.820 again is, Hey, look, I can see that this is not going in the direction I want it to go because our

01:00:12.800 mission is to complete this project and generate revenue from the business. And the discussion we're

01:00:18.720 having right now is not leading to that objective. I think it's important. We bring this up and I do

01:00:25.320 appreciate you, which is why I wanted to bring this to your attention privately together with the idea

01:00:31.040 of coming towards a resolution, but I can see that's not going to happen right now, but I just wanted to

01:00:36.900 express how I felt. And maybe we need to revisit this again when we can have a level-headed discussion

01:00:42.060 about it. This is how men communicate. Like all the guys, all the guys that listen to this,

01:00:49.020 not all the guys, but a lot of guys, they want to be the alpha, right? They want to be in charge.

01:00:52.380 They want to, this is how men do it. No, no, I'm saying, I'm saying they want, I don't think they

01:00:59.160 want to be a dick. I think they want to be acknowledged as the leader of the pack. Got it.

01:01:03.120 Got it. Got it. Got it. I see what you're saying. And the leader of the pack is not a dick.

01:01:07.180 He's not authoritarian. Now you'll get away with that for a little bit of time, especially if you're

01:01:12.200 working with passive weak people. Yeah. You bulldoze people. But the minute you come across,

01:01:16.760 yeah. The minute you come across somebody assertive, they're going to rebel and create a mutiny against

01:01:22.380 you. Yeah. So an assertive man can address problems head on, but do it respectfully, not passively,

01:01:33.940 not timidly, but respectfully communicate what he needs and how he feels and how a different course

01:01:45.020 of action will lead to the combined objective. Yeah. That's great. All right. We got a good

01:01:52.060 question to wrap up here. Dan Carter, 54, the importance of self-development as a man and the

01:01:59.100 importance of it has on your relationships with your spouse. Well, the first one just goes without

01:02:05.960 saying, right? Like, I don't, do we even need to answer that? It's crucial, obviously. Yeah. And I,

01:02:11.580 and I think that Kip, one thing you shared a couple, well, gosh, a couple of months ago at the uprising

01:02:17.360 was you said, when you start doing jujitsu, it's hard to know that you're getting better

01:02:23.500 better because everybody else around you is also improving. And you use the analogy of an escalator.

01:02:30.480 You're all on the escalator. You're all improving, but you're improving at similar rates. And so until

01:02:35.080 some outsider comes in, you don't really know how far you've progressed because you're fighting against

01:02:39.900 the guys. And look, here's the thing. If I train with one guy long enough, I already know exactly what

01:02:46.540 he's going to do. Yeah. I don't need to worry about that sweep because I know he's going to do that.

01:02:53.440 In fact, I'm going to try to get him to do it because I know he's going to do it. And I'm going

01:02:57.400 to try to capitalize on it when he does it. It's the same thing with inflation. And I'm going to make

01:03:04.500 a point here in a minute with inflation. You know, if inflation is three, four, five, 8%, it's historically

01:03:12.860 high right now. If it's as high as it's been, but you're making the same amount of money that you

01:03:20.760 were before, you're not just. You're making less. Coasting, neutral. You're actually dollar for

01:03:28.740 dollar. You have less spending power. You didn't not get a raise. You got demoted. You got a

01:03:37.820 decrease in wages by real dollar standards. Yeah. Okay. So the same is true when it comes to

01:03:46.200 self-development. If you're not improving, you're not neutral. Everyone around you is getting better.

01:03:54.340 We're all getting smarter. We're getting older. We're collecting more resources. We're deploying

01:04:00.560 those resources more wisely. And if you're not doing those things, you're getting lapped fast.

01:04:08.840 Totally. So that's why, that to me is why self-development is so important is because

01:04:13.740 if you're not getting better, you're getting worse. Yeah. Well, and what was the second part

01:04:19.640 of the question? And, and, and the importance of it to your relationship with your spouse in particular.

01:04:25.160 Oh yeah. Well, you are called to lead as a man and you can't lead from behind.

01:04:35.060 So if she, here's one, that's a hard thing for guys. When women are making more money than guys, 1.00

01:04:41.060 she's more valuable in that regard than you are. And you can't lead her.

01:04:48.700 How are you going to lead her to make more money if you're, she's making more money than you? 0.99

01:04:56.280 How are you going to lead her to be more fit if she's more fit than you? How are you going to lead

01:05:00.240 her to be more disciplined if she's more disciplined than you? Now, granted, I want somebody who's 0.63

01:05:05.600 successful and who's fit and who makes money. Like I, like all these things, these are, this is what I

01:05:10.460 would look for in a woman if I was in the market, but you need to constantly be improving yourself 0.99

01:05:17.060 so that you can help guide her and take her and walk her hand in hand to a place that you too

01:05:23.320 could not imagine going on your own. And isn't that what you want? Out of relationship to go

01:05:29.700 somebody, excuse me, somewhere that you've never been before. That requires you to always be improving

01:05:38.740 and getting better and leading from the front. So that turned into a little bit of a monologue

01:05:45.600 because we lost Kip there, but, uh, hope, I think he's jumped back on. I was talking to myself

01:05:50.520 there. I was just about to close the meeting down, but man, it was profound Kip. So you should go back

01:05:55.280 and listen to it. I'm sure. Well, I listen every week anyway, just to hear myself. I'll listen to

01:06:01.720 you this time. Yeah. Listen to me this time. You might learn something new.

01:06:05.560 Oh man. Yeah. I basically said if you, if you want to lead her, then you have to be out front. I mean,

01:06:15.320 you can't, and, and there are going to be things that she's better at you then, then good. That's

01:06:20.820 okay. Like there's nothing wrong with that. Let she's going to be, but she's going to be the leader

01:06:24.820 in that department. Totally. Well, and I love that you made the correlation between leadership and

01:06:30.060 personal development because they're the same thing. I was just speaking with someone about this the

01:06:34.300 other day. They're like, Oh, you know, personal development versus leadership. I'm like, um,

01:06:39.360 leadership development is personal development. If you're developing yourself, what, what is a leader?

01:06:45.580 The ability to impact and influence others in a positive way and lead others. Isn't that a great

01:06:53.420 self-development and, and, and they go hand in hand, right? We, we, in the iron council, right? In our

01:06:58.760 leadership development principle or pillar number one, lead by example. Why?

01:07:04.300 Because you can't impact other individuals. If you haven't figured out how to do it yourself,

01:07:08.460 you can't establish trust, build up competence, right? And all these other influence with other

01:07:13.800 individuals. So you have to tackle it yourself. And this is why everything that we do within the iron

01:07:19.280 council, I think is profound. What are we talking about? We, we have our four pillars that more or less

01:07:26.480 say, come into the iron council and get your shit together. Show up powerfully and, and

01:07:33.200 sharpen the saw in a way that you become the best tool possible to lead and support those that you

01:07:40.380 love. And the best way you do that is getting yourself in check, your finances, your, your

01:07:47.300 relationships with individuals, your health, your emotional wellbeing, all those things allow you to

01:07:54.580 serve other individuals. I don't know about you, but like when I look back at my past of who I was

01:08:01.040 10 years ago, five years ago, am I in a better position to actually be a better spouse and a

01:08:07.120 better husband? Absolutely. And it's because I've been trying to just improve myself. And as I become

01:08:14.780 a better person, I'm better for those in my life. It's just a natural by-product and it levels them up

01:08:21.620 just like on the mats, right? The best way I could be a training partner to you, Ryan, is not to be

01:08:26.000 passive. Best way to be a training partner on the mats with you is to have my jujitsu solid and to be

01:08:33.660 really good at my jujitsu. That's the only way I help you with your jujitsu. But if my jujitsu is crap

01:08:39.320 and I train with you a lot, is your jujitsu any better? No. If anything, it might even give you a

01:08:44.560 false sense of how great you are. It feels good to me. Yeah, totally. Yeah. You're like, oh man, I'm so good

01:08:50.180 until you actually train with someone that knows what they're doing. And they're like, man, I suck. I need to

01:08:54.280 get a new training partner. Kip is not helping me out here. And that's the power of tribes. This is

01:09:01.220 the power of banding with other individuals and being around like-minded individuals because we're

01:09:06.020 on the escalator and we all improve together. And that's what the guys see when they join battle

01:09:11.540 teams within the Iron Council. I think what you said is spot on. And I think 99.99999% of people who

01:09:23.060 listen to this podcast resonate with that. Where I think we lose people is in the macro, that's what

01:09:29.260 they want. Like they want to be a better husband. They want to be a better dad. They want to make

01:09:33.180 more money. They want to look better. They want to start the business. They want to achieve their own

01:09:37.260 physical goals. They want all of those things. What so many men fail to equate is that it's little

01:09:43.580 things, micro things that you do today that define that. So I've done it myself. What you eat today

01:09:51.860 is actually what's going to define that macro for you. So if I decide to eat like garbage,

01:09:59.840 then I'm not moving towards that final result of being that better father, husband, business owner,

01:10:06.420 community leader. What time you woke up today defines you long-term. It may not feel like it

01:10:16.300 because you may say, Oh, I'm tired. Like I can sleep in. I, you know, I had a long night. Like I'll

01:10:23.420 catch up later. No, what you do right now defines you who you are. If you are lazy right now, then you

01:10:31.860 are a lazy human being. If you are gluttonous right now, that's because you're a gluttonous human being.

01:10:41.160 If you are taking advantage of other people, even small little things that don't seem like that

01:10:45.800 significant, then you are a bad person because what you do is what defines you. So if you say to

01:10:54.540 yourself, well, I want to be a loyal man, then you're going to stop talking with that woman who's 1.00

01:11:01.060 distracting you from your real relationship. If you say, I want to be a man who's fit and strong

01:11:07.960 and bold and capable, then you're going to put down the Big Mac that you just bought. You're going to

01:11:12.220 throw it out the window on your way back to work. And you're going to go get a salad somewhere

01:11:16.740 because that's what those kinds of men do. Fit men eat healthy. Loyal men don't talk to other women

01:11:27.120 inappropriately. Good business owners make smart financial decisions. People who are financially

01:11:33.420 successful invest in their financial knowledge and abundance. So make small decisions today

01:11:41.040 and tomorrow and the next day for the next 365 days. That's inevitable. You're going to become

01:11:47.780 the man that you want to become. It's all those little things where you're like, oh, you know,

01:11:51.380 it's just this. It's just that this is okay. Oh, that's harmless. No, it's not. It all plays a

01:11:57.580 factor. Anyways, the reason I brought that up, Kip, is because the micro things, we call those tactics

01:12:04.280 in the Iron Council. And the tactics are the things that we do on a daily basis. What time you get up,

01:12:10.940 what kind of food you eat, what kind of communication you have with your wife, how you lead your boss,

01:12:15.700 how you interact with your kids, little things on a daily basis that inevitably drive you to the man

01:12:22.300 that you want to be. And we talked a lot about the Iron Council. We did because it's open right now.

01:12:26.200 So if you're ready for enrollment and to do those tactics well, so you can improve who you are in the

01:12:30.480 macro, go to orderman.com slash Iron Council. I cut you off, Kip. You had something else to say?

01:12:36.560 No, I was going to do the segue that you were just saying is like, that's the power of the IC

01:12:40.780 in regards to breaking down those tactics, but it's also the accountability around it.

01:12:45.960 And that's the other benefit of what we're doing because you can listen to what we just said and

01:12:50.700 like, okay, I'm going to do those things. But talk about elevate your game when I need to report back

01:12:56.240 to my team and like-minded, high caliber individuals around if I did them or not. And not only that,

01:13:03.980 if I'm getting blocked and where I'm struggling and have people speak into me and provide advice

01:13:10.000 and direction and guidance around what they've done to get past some of those hurdles that we often

01:13:15.980 get confronted with when we attempt to level up in life. And that's the other added benefit of being

01:13:22.820 on those teams. Yeah. Well, guys, you got your marching orders. I hope we gave you five good answers

01:13:28.920 today. It seems like we only got through four or five questions. It's because you ran on those headlines.

01:13:35.100 I was excited, man. I'm excited about all this stuff. Like I said, this energizes me. So anyways,

01:13:41.840 go check out the Iron Council guys. We'll be open through the end of June. You can do that again at

01:13:46.560 orderman.com slash Iron Council. Kip, I don't think I'd be as energized if I didn't get the chance to

01:13:51.520 talk with you about this stuff on a weekly basis. So I do want to tell you that I really appreciate

01:13:55.840 you as a man, as a friend, as a co-host, like having you here in this mission, not just on these calls,

01:14:01.640 but it means the world to me. And I don't think I share that enough with you. So I just want you

01:14:05.280 to know that. Somebody had made a comment the other day. I had posted some pictures I had taken

01:14:11.440 and the guy posted a picture of you smiling. And these are professional headshots. And he's like,

01:14:16.340 why can't you be more like Kip? And I said, in sincerity, Kip is one of a kind. I could never be

01:14:23.260 like Kip, but damn, if he doesn't make me want to try. So I appreciate you, brother. It means a lot to me.

01:14:29.240 Thank you. Appreciate it, brother. Yeah. All right, you guys, we'll be back on Friday. Until

01:14:34.620 then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:14:41.540 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:14:46.140 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 19, 2024

Handling Increased Responsibility, Advice for New Fathers & Starting From Nothing ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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Summary

Transcript

Order of Man - June 19, 2024

Handling Increased Responsibility, Advice for New Fathers &#x26; Starting From Nothing ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript

Handling Increased Responsibility, Advice for New Fathers & Starting From Nothing ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING