Hearts of the Fathers to the Children, Hearts of the Children to Their Fathers ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
This is a presentation I gave to a group of young men and boys at The Squire Program in Maine a few months ago. It's a presentation that I think was valuable enough, at least I hope so, that will add value to your life.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Gentlemen, what is going on? What you're going to hear in a few minutes is a little different for your Friday field notes.
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This is a presentation that I gave for young men and men at the Squire program.
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We ran here on my property in Maine several months ago with my good friend, Beatrice Koulian and his team, including Ray Cash Care, who was guest on the podcast just a couple of weeks ago.
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So this is a presentation that I think was valuable enough, at least I hope so, that will add value to your life.
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Before we get into it, just a couple of things.
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Number one, if you want to support what we're doing, one of the best things you can do is band with me on social media.
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I don't like that, obviously, clearly, but we got to play the game.
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And in order to play the game, if we can have tens, if not hundreds of thousands of men connect with me, engage, share, comment, like, etc.
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It's going to go a long way in not tricking the algorithm, but showing social media and other people what is important and the conversations that actually want to be had.
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Number two, if you are interested after this and you have a son or a nephew or stepson, etc., etc., between the ages of 8 to 15 and you're interested in a father-son event or rite of passage event, head to orderamand.com slash legacy.
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We've got an event coming up, and we only have about a handful of spots right now for our legacy event here in Maine, which is held on September 22nd through the 25th.
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I'm going to talk a little bit about how to forge the bonds between you and your son a little bit better.
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I had a big trash pile up here, and I was going to do a little lesson on that.
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This is some trash that I found lying around in here and outside, and I was going to say, man, I found all this trash, but actually then somebody picked it all up and threw it away, so they messed with me.
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I know that might seem like a small and insignificant thing, but it's ridiculous that you'd be walking down the road or walking on the trail, and you see a piece of trash, and then you take another step.
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It seems little insignificant, but guys, it's really not.
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The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.
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So if you're stepping over trash, like you see it, and you step over it, what does that say about you?
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And that's going to naturally translate into other facets of your life.
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I want to talk with you again about forging these tighter bonds between each of you.
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I'm going to start by sharing a story, because when we started on our hike, our ruck, what did I have you guys do?
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What were some of the exercises you did when we went on our ruck?
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But more of the prompts that I told you to be thinking about.
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Do you remember anything that we talked about on that?
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Hey, I'm going to challenge you guys, a couple of you, probably two or three of you, to come up here with your dad and actually do some of that.
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So I know some of you, your heart's beating right now.
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If your heart's telling you that, if your heart's beating like that, maybe that's a good indicator that you should.
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There's one other thing I told you guys that was very, very important.
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I said that you guys need to have conversations amongst yourselves from the what?
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I think I said soul and I think I said heart, but they're interchangeable.
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And the reason I want you to have those conversations is because you can have those conversations now.
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There might come a, not there might, there will 100% certainty come a point in your life where you cannot have the conversations that you want to have.
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I want to give you a little story about my dad and the experience that I had growing up because it's different than what you guys are experiencing now.
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Um, my dad, when I was three years old, unfortunately chose drugs and alcohol.
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And my mother, bless her heart, decided that she didn't want to raise me and my sister with a man that was more interested in getting high and drunk than he was raising his kids.
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So when I was three years old, my mom and dad went through a divorce.
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I had a pretty good relationship, although strained, a pretty good relationship with my dad.
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But I think he's, I think he was a pretty good man.
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About the time I was nine years old, my mom got remarried and she married a man who was an alcoholic.
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Like not here, not engaged, didn't really seem like he cared all that much about us.
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And that relationship eventually fizzled and they went through a divorce.
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And then about the time I was 13 years old, she married another man.
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This man was very, very successful financially.
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He owned a private investigation firm in Southern California.
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But the problem with him is that he was verbally and emotionally abusive.
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But he was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother and my sister.
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So bad that one time they got into an argument about who knows what.
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And I'm just thinking, well, that's, you know, I didn't really know.
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And she does something with the battery terminals.
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She knew exactly what she had to do to get that started.
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So at 14 years old, it led me to believe that maybe she's played this game before.
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Well, my stepfather had tried to disable the vehicle so we couldn't leave.
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He comes running out of the house, down the little walkway, into the garage.
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And he reaches over and he slams the garage door opener to close the garage.
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My mom was so scared that she, as that thing came down, it came down about halfway, she backed
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the Bronco up, peeled out, and ran through that garage.
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And I did the only thing I knew I could do at that moment.
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I still have the scars on my hand because that window shattered.
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He went and visited every hospital in southern Utah to try to find us.
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This is the example that I had when I was growing up.
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I didn't have a dad in my life to show me how to be a man.
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I didn't have a dad to say, hey son, pack up your shit.
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We're going to go to Maine and we're going to spend some time with you and me and other
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boys and we're going to learn about each other and we're going to have a rite of passage
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and I'm going to serve you and you're going to serve me.
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I don't think any boy should have to go through that.
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It's not something a young man should have to deal with.
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When my mom calls me, this was three years ago.
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Make my hand bleed again by slamming on that pillar.
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Three years ago, my mom calls me and she says, hey, your dad's in the hospital.
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And since I was so bitter and contentious, I was like, he'll be fine.
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His organs are starting to shut down and he's not responding to the surgery or treatment or
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You probably ought to think about coming down and visiting.
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His organs from that heart attack had completely given out and they were giving up on him and
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So I take Eli's back there and Brecken's somewhere and I'm like, hey guys, hop in the
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Well, I get about 30, or excuse me, yeah, 30 minutes outside of the hospital.
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I walk in and she comes running out and she's like with tears in her eyes.
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Because I was bitter and I was angry and I was contentious and I put it off and I blew
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And there's a lot of things that should have been said between him and I that I don't
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Now, maybe in another life, but not here, not now.
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There's a lot of things I'd like to sit down with him and look him straight in the eye and
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There's a lot of things I'd like to say sorry about.
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I think if he was here standing next to me, that he'd probably say the same thing.
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He'd probably look me in the eye like I had you guys do earlier on our walk and say,
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I would have done it differently if I had the opportunity.
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And now we have no opportunity except for in another life to be able to rectify the situation.
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You guys better take advantage of this opportunity that you have here with your boy because you
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We can use that as fuel to be able to make better decisions moving forward.
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And that's what we should be doing, making better decisions about the opportunities that
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Now, some of you might not have the best relationship.
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You see him and he's doing some things great and he's doing some things that maybe you're
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You don't know maybe entirely, but there's some judgment there.
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They're trying to figure out what's going on, but they're here with you.
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Are you going to waste this moment and this opportunity to look into your son's eyes and
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Good, bad, and different, all this kind of stuff.
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And there's going to be a day when you get a phone call or you get pulled out of school,
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young man, and somebody's going to say, I'm sorry, your dad was in a car accident.
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I don't mean to be a downer, but I need to be very realistic about this because this is
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So what I'm going to share with you over the next 30 minutes or so is some very key metrics
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that you guys can use in your life to be able to incorporate and have a tighter bond between
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And then you and your dads can talk about this on the drive home or the flight home or
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Number one, I want you to write the word sanctity.
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Sanctity, sanctity, can any young man here tell me in their own language what they think
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Can you stand up and say it loud for these guys?
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So when I hear that word sanctity, I think that's the bond between him and I.
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It's between him and I, and we keep that between us.
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Okay, it's a bond between you, it's a special bond between you, it keeps it between you
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I mean, surely you guys have thoughts about it.
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It's the purity and pricelessness of the relationship between me and him.
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It's a relationship that only exists between a father and a son.
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It's a relationship, a special relationship between father and son.
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So one thing you'll hear me say a lot, and I get a lot of pushback when I say this, is
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Eli's over there and Breckin, I think, just stepped outside.
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I will never, ever step off the mantle of fatherhood to a lower tier of friendship.
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See, there are elements of friendship, like sacrifice and service and care and belief and
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When my son Breckin was born, this was 14 years ago, roughly, myself and my wife, Miss Trish,
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We're having a very difficult time in our marriage.
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And part of the reason was, is because I didn't have anybody to show me how to be a man.
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I had a physically, excuse me, emotionally and verbally abusive.
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Like, this is what I had, so I didn't have any example.
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So about a year into our marriage, we really struggled.
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And one day, I came home, and we got into an argument, and I cannot remember what it was about.
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And I looked her in the eye, as she said, I don't even want to be married to you anymore.
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And I said, good, because I don't want to be married to you either.
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Why was she doing the things that she was doing?
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Why wasn't she doing what I thought a good wife should be doing?
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And then one day, I came to a realization that maybe she did have some things that she needed to work on, but so did I.
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And I began to take responsibility for my own decisions, which is ultimately what led to our separation.
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There were nights where I would go into my son's room.
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And I remember having a conversation with a picture and saying, son, I'm going to find a way to get you back in my life.
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Because I took responsibility for my actions and I changed my behaviors and she responded to that.
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This year, we're going to have our 18th wedding anniversary this year.
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But I'll tell you what, it was Brecken and the bond between us that transformed my life.
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Guys, you have to realize that you're not friends, you're not buddies, you're not pals, you're not chums, you're not best friends or BFFs or any of this other bullshit.
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When I went through my separation with my wife, we were separated for about five months.
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It was my son and the thought of him and wanting to be there in his life and realize that I was going down the same path that my dad did to me that brought us back together again.
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So what I'd like to do, and then I'll talk about some other points, is I'd like to hear from three young men.
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And I would like to invite you up here with your father.
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And I would like, if you feel comfortable, to share something that maybe you shared out in the field or maybe something that you haven't.
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This is not an opportunity to throw your father under the bus right here.
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You guys deal with that shit somewhere else, not here.
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What I'd like you to do is I'd like you to come up and say one of two things.
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What you appreciate about him, what you respect about him, and or what he means to you.
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Now, one of the prompts I gave you out there is you can tell your dad what he needs to work on.
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Don't throw your father under the bus right here.
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You come up here and you pay homage and compliment to your father.
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Because you're going to show other young men the way.
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Ronan, when you come up here, I want you to be bold and I want you to be assertive.
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Because you're not just talking with your dad, but everybody else needs to hear you too, okay?
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Look your dad in the eye, face to face, and tell him what you need to tell him.
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And I'm grateful that you put in the time and money to get me here and many other places in the world.
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But with sports, education, I wouldn't prefer anything else to have as a father figure.
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I appreciate you for helping me through the rough times and being patient with me when
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I was needed and helping me with my education and raising me up to my up-being right now.
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I'm just saying that there's moments in time that you can make special and meaningful and
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Is there a father who'd like to step up and tell their son?
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And I appreciate that you made the choice to come here with me.
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And I appreciate your hard work, your effort, even in light of some of the things that you
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Look, when we're addressing people, we're going to come up here.
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And you're going to read these three words right there.
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If somebody's coming at my boy, I'm stepping between and I'm putting myself there.
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We protect those people who are less fortunate because there are people who can't do it for
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If we can, then we have a responsibility to do that.
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Like support them in their decisions and stuff like that.
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Um, just helping people through their struggles, I think, in part of sport.
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Also, how many of your dads make money and put food on the table?
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Does any young man know here what preside means?
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The reason your voice is as deep as it is, is because you're meant to use it.
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Let alone all that testosterone that's coursing through your veins.
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And put them to use in order to serve other people.
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What do you think Instructor Steve's doing here?
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I kind of actually like to be in with my wife and kids.
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And I have a skill set that I think will serve you.
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The third component, and it ties in very closely, is sacrifice.
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When I'm out here with you, I'm sacrificing because I could be in there with them.
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When all of the cadre here are here, they flew from California to here to sacrifice.
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They could be spending time with their families.
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They could be enjoying their hobbies and their activities.
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If you love something, don't you sacrifice for it?
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But what activities, what hobbies, what interests, what do you love?
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We have to sacrifice what we might want right now in order to serve the people that we love
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But here's an interesting thing about sacrifice.
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Because if you think about what sacrifice is, it's like giving something up, right?
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Like I'm going to be here and so I'm going to sacrifice time to be here.
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But it's a misnomer because what I get in return is so much greater than the sacrifice
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I feel pride and satisfaction by being here with you.
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So when we sacrifice, we're giving up something right now and what we're going to get in return
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as long as it's a righteous sacrifice, because we can make bad sacrifices too, right?
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If we're making righteous sacrifices, what we get in return is so much greater than what
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It's actually an investment in the things that we care about.
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Because when I see my sons thrive, I'm like, hell yeah, I gave up all that time and that
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energy and that money that I could have been making.
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There's been times where I've throttled back in my business where I haven't done what I
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would like to do because I know the cost comes at the expense of spending time with my family.
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And so I'm like, man, I could have made an extra 10 grand and I've turned down speaking
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engagements and other opportunities that are five and six figures.
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And I've said no, and that sacrifice paid off because even if I just get to see my kids
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grow or develop or get a little bit better, that was worth it to me.
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So I want you to be thinking about what am I willing to sacrifice?
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We were talking a little bit about your, you have to sacrifice.
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We're talking about camps that are coming up, right?
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So you're, you're probably not going to work as much as you could.
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If you did, maybe you don't because you've sacrificed that because you realize this is
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We give those things up because we realize that this is where I want to go.
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And you need to know that everything young men has a cost.
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Like you don't get to make a decision without you giving something up.
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Some of you young men think that you can just make decisions and have your cake and eat it
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Even the best decisions you can make are going to cost you something and you have to be realistic
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The fourth component that I want to get to today, you guys, the last S is solidarity.
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Parker, you have an idea of what solidarity might mean?
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Um, just being like, I guess, trusting in yourself and like being solid in your decision making.
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You're standing in solidarity, meaning you're on the same battlefield.
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Like you look at him, you're like, or your dad, I know this.
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Your dad looks at you and he's like, man, that's me 30, 40 years ago.
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When I grew up, the name Mickler didn't mean a thing.
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We've just learned to use our, the air in our lungs, coursing through our vocal cords,
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manipulating our mouths and our tongues to manipulate the sounds we make.
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I decided that this is what it's going to mean.
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And then when I talk with my sons and they get sick of hearing it, I say this all the
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So when they're complaining and bitching and moaning about the things they don't want to
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When they don't want to eat some new vegetable or something at dinner, I say, Micklers try new
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So I'm going to challenge you guys, and I don't think we're going to have a lot of time
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this weekend, but one thing I'm going to challenge you guys to do is to come up with a code of
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conduct for the way you and your father stand in solidarity, the way that you act, the way
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you behave, the way Micklers show up, the way you guys show up, Robinson's, for example,
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And then when you dads are dead and gone, you can know that your sons are going to carry
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And you sons, you have a moral obligation to carry on the positive legacy of your father.
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If it was a negative legacy, you have the moral obligation to change it, to make your
00:32:24.160
But if it's good and it's positive and it's true, you have an obligation to ensure that
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what your dad taught to you, you now teach to your children.
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Mickler stands for something because we made it stand for something.
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What do you guys decide your name is going to stand for?
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One exercise that we did years ago is we wrote a code of conduct.
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Me and Brecken and Eli wrote this code of conduct together.
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We spent some time thinking about the way that we were going to show up.
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This wood frame it's in came from an old barn near the place that we did this exercise.
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Because we wanted it to mean something that's important to us.
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Now, admittedly, I will tell you this because I'm flawed just as much as anybody else.
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When I pulled it down, you're like, man, I haven't read this in a long time.
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Yes, we did the exercise, but frankly, we haven't followed through.
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And this is something that we need to do better.
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So we all know exactly where we stand and what Michler stands for.
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So Brecken, I want you to read this really loud.
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You can use it as fodder for your own code of conduct.
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But you need to come up with a family code of conduct about the way you and your son perform.
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And dads, this is not about what you want from your son.
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This is a partner exercise because your son has some pretty good ideas.
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I've talked with you a lot, a lot of you young men, and I can assure you, if you don't know
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Give them an opportunity to be involved in the process of what your names mean.
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Brecken, will you read this nice and loud so people can hear it?
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We will be disciplined in whatever we pursue because discipline equals freedom.
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When faced with difficult decisions and choices, we will always act with courage and bravery.
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We know it is our responsibility to protect, provide, and preside.
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We understand if we are to achieve our goals, we must work our hardest.
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We do our very best to keep ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.
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We take responsibilities for our thoughts, choices, and actions, and learn from our mistakes.
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We respect ourselves, our surroundings, and others.
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We believe in being honest and truthful in every way, even if it's hard.
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We think with our minds, fill with our hearts, and follow our souls.
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So, what I'd like, I'm going to leave this up here, you guys.
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You guys can come up afterwards, after Bedros is done talking.
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You can take a picture of it, and maybe that'll give you some thoughts.
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We stand together around a common code, and then we act accordingly.
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And when any of us get out of line, Brecken gets out of line, Eli gets, guess what?
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And they have permission to hold me accountable to this,
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Guys, look, we got a lot of problems in society, right?
00:36:24.540
Boys, what are some of the problems you think we have in society?
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So we have a lot of confusion around what's a boy, what's a girl, what's a man, what's a woman.
00:36:41.020
Well, I'm not dealing with it, but I think a big problem is addiction.
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You fathers should be talking with your boys about this.
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Some of you bury your heads in the sand, because you're like, if I just ignore it, it'll go away.
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And don't think your boys are incapable of dealing with it.
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Make sure you give them the information they need to thrive.
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People like follow other people around, you know, like messes up their like point of view
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You get, you get some weird thoughts that aren't really going to serve you as well as they
00:37:27.640
Guys, a lot of these problems, in fact, I would say all of these problems are going to
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be solved between this bond, this bond, this bond, this bond.
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If you guys incorporate this stuff into your life, sanctity, service, sacrifice, solidarity,
00:37:46.460
And if they don't outside of this bond, you guys can cohesively, as a unit, start to work
00:37:51.960
towards solving the problems that you see in society.
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I know you young men are dealing with a lot of bullshit.
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Probably not to the degree that you guys are because it's coming at you a lot faster than
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Remember the sanctity of the relationship that you guys have, service and sacrifice, and you
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guys will be leaps and bounds ahead of everybody else.
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And most importantly, you'll be able to serve society in the way it needs to be served.
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People that have literally transformed their lives.
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People who have put a gun to their head and decided not to pull the trigger because they
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I say that about the weight of the responsibility that we have to show up in a meaningful way.
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And they heard something I said on a podcast and they took the gun off of their head and
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they set it down and they said, I'm going to start doing better.
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And now you have to make a decision what to do with it.
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Love the fact that we have the Squire program and crew, Instructor Steve, Instructor Ray,
00:39:24.720
Bedros, and the rest of the team, the media, and everybody else.
00:39:42.580
Obviously, it was a very emotionally charged topic, discussion.
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I shared some personal insight that maybe a lot of you have not yet heard before.
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And it was important for me to share that with the fathers who attended this event and
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Men, sons, we need to learn what it takes to be a man, why it's important that men turn
00:40:06.380
around and help their sons, why sons need to look at their fathers regarding how to become
00:40:12.580
a man and how to be a productive member of society.
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If you're not a father yet, or even if you are and you think this could help somebody else,
00:40:30.860
If you're watching this on YouTube, leave a comment.
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And if you're a father who has a son between the ages of eight to 15, or, you know, of
00:40:41.180
a father, maybe you're a woman, a mother who's listening, or you've got a brother or
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a cousin or somebody who has a son within this age range.
00:40:53.360
Tell them to go to order of man.com slash legacy order of man.com slash legacy and get
00:41:01.520
That's going to be held on September 22nd through 25th, 2022.
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All right, guys, you got your marching orders, share, promote, encourage, foster number one,
00:41:15.560
And then also consider joining us at our legacy event, order of man.com slash legacy.
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All right, you guys, we'll be back next week until then go out there, take action and become
00:41:27.120
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
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You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
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We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.