Order of Man - February 05, 2021


How a Man Communicates With His Wife ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats

Length

16 minutes

Words per Minute

190.75145

Word Count

3,080

Sentence Count

181

Misogynist Sentences

6

Hate Speech Sentences

1


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:24.720 Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler, and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement.
00:00:31.360 I'm glad that you're here and tuning in.
00:00:33.540 If you're watching this as opposed to just listening to this, you might be on YouTube or any of these other video sources.
00:00:41.660 You might see I'm a little bundled up today. I'm bundled up because it's cold.
00:00:45.120 I think we've got our first real storm of the winter here in Maine, and I'm dealing with that.
00:00:49.560 My office is a little cold right now, which is why I'm bundled up the way that I am.
00:00:53.640 But regardless, I wanted to have a conversation with you about how we talk with our spouses, because this is very important.
00:01:01.140 And I can't tell you how often I see men who communicate in an ineffective manner with their spouses and then end up undermining their own credibility and influence and authority within the walls of their home.
00:01:13.240 So we're going to talk about that before we do. Just a couple of quick announcements.
00:01:16.800 Number one, leave a rating and review. All right. It just takes a minute. It goes a long way in promoting the visibility of this podcast.
00:01:22.380 Number two, check out the Iron Council. This is our exclusive brotherhood. We've got almost 800 men now in the Iron Council, all banded together, working towards common objectives, coming from different backgrounds and experiences and ideas and cultures.
00:01:36.300 And, but all working towards the same solutions or the same goals, which is to be better fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders, et cetera, et cetera.
00:01:47.100 Also take a look at my friends and show sponsors, Origin, Maine.
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00:02:38.640 All right, guys, let's get into this conversation. I was reminded that I needed to have this conversation based on a discussion that I had seen in our Facebook group the other day.
00:02:49.340 And somebody had made, I'm paraphrasing here, the post where they talked about how to communicate problems with their wife.
00:02:57.320 And I said something to the effect of, you know, I couldn't agree more that as you communicate with what you are personally dealing with in your own life, and there's challenges as men, right?
00:03:07.640 We deal with stuff, we deal with baggage and backgrounds and problems and challenges and struggles and stress and everything else.
00:03:14.320 But the way that you communicate this to your wife is really going to help you be more effective as the leader, the patriarch of your home, or it's actually going to undermine your credibility within the home.
00:03:27.220 And I had made the, uh, the comment that if a man simply complains incessantly to his wife about his issues and the things that he's dealing with and his problems and his challenges, and he never addresses it from the perspective of here's what I'm dealing with.
00:03:43.500 And also, this is the most important thing. Here's what I'm going to do to overcome this.
00:03:49.020 Then it's likely that you're acting more like your wife's girlfriend than you are her husband or significant other.
00:03:55.940 And that's a problem. Now, inevitably, when I bring this up and I have these conversations with people, uh, you know, they, they, they like to say, well, you know, if you can't talk with your wife and you can't be vulnerable with her, like, who can you be?
00:04:09.620 And you should be able to communicate it guys. Don't misunderstand me.
00:04:13.840 All right. That's not what I'm talking about here.
00:04:17.000 I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to communicate about the problems or the struggles or the challenges that you're having.
00:04:24.320 Now the vulnerability issue, I don't like that word.
00:04:27.260 And I don't like that word because nobody knows what the hell you're talking about when you say it.
00:04:31.500 And so I, I avoid having conversations around phrases and words and catchphrases that have all of these different meanings and different angles based on who you're talking with.
00:04:44.920 And based on what they're trying to say and what their agenda is,
00:04:48.200 because it's not helpful to be able to have those powerful conversations.
00:04:53.620 So when you say vulnerability, I'm not a fan of that.
00:04:58.300 Now, does that mean that you can't talk about the issues you're dealing with?
00:05:01.040 Of course.
00:05:01.720 And if you think that's what vulnerability means, then I guess, yeah, that's okay.
00:05:05.260 But I'm not a fan of just being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable, just to expose yourself to some potential threat.
00:05:14.280 That's not helpful.
00:05:16.200 And it is, it isn't helpful to be vulnerable for the sake of vulnerability.
00:05:20.960 I know that's the buzzword and that's the keyword.
00:05:22.780 And that's what everybody thinks you should do.
00:05:24.200 And that's what all the therapists will tell you to do.
00:05:26.260 And that's what the Instagram gurus will just be vulnerable.
00:05:28.900 Why, why, if you can give me a reason for being vulnerable.
00:05:35.060 Now, look, occasionally you guys will say, Hey, thanks for being vulnerable on this podcast.
00:05:39.940 Or thanks, thanks for being vulnerable on your Instagram posts the other day.
00:05:44.880 Okay.
00:05:45.700 The reason I'm sharing some of that is for a reason it's to empower you.
00:05:51.180 It's to help you.
00:05:52.440 It's to help me work through some issues.
00:05:54.440 It's to help me come up with some solutions to my problems is to give you
00:05:58.440 a perspective that you haven't considered before.
00:06:00.920 I'm not doing it for the sake of vulnerability.
00:06:02.840 I'm doing it because I want to serve.
00:06:05.740 And so it's serving as means to an end, which is emotional strength and fortitude and resilience
00:06:11.940 and wellbeing.
00:06:12.960 And to that, I say, absolutely, you should do that.
00:06:16.480 But here's the deal guys.
00:06:17.620 And this is what I had said to this gentleman in this Facebook post.
00:06:19.920 I said, if you continually communicate with your wife and you bitch and you moan and you cry
00:06:25.920 and you complain about all your problems and you never pose any solutions and you never
00:06:30.320 talk about how you're going to improve yourself and you're never going to talk about how to
00:06:34.560 get better and be a better husband, be a more assertive man, become more capable, become more
00:06:41.360 proficient.
00:06:42.400 Then you might as well just be your girlfriend.
00:06:45.040 And if that's actually what your wife wanted, she would have friend zoned you a long time ago,
00:06:50.240 but she didn't.
00:06:52.020 She married you.
00:06:53.340 She committed to you.
00:06:54.540 And why would she do that?
00:06:56.220 Why would she marry you?
00:06:57.360 Why would she commit to you?
00:06:58.540 Because she believes that you have something to offer.
00:07:02.060 She believes that you help her get to a place that she could not have imagined going on her own.
00:07:07.620 She wanted to band with you.
00:07:09.640 And she found that there was some sort of either potential or some, something in you
00:07:16.380 that was helpful, that was beneficial.
00:07:20.700 And she felt like it would make sense to partner with you.
00:07:23.420 And if all you're ever doing is complaining and nagging and griping about what's going on
00:07:27.800 in your life and how bad it is, can you see how that would undermine your leadership
00:07:32.020 within the walls of your home?
00:07:33.740 Of course it would.
00:07:35.120 Now, again, I don't want you to misunderstand me.
00:07:37.620 Because a lot of you guys are going to take this out of context because you do every
00:07:40.620 time I have these conversations, you're going to take one sentence that I say, and you're
00:07:45.260 going to say, well, Ryan, you know, that's not, that's not a good way to behave.
00:07:48.520 I want you to listen to this podcast and in its entirety.
00:07:51.920 And I want you to understand what I'm actually talking about here.
00:07:55.360 I'm not saying that you have to be guarded, that you have to be closed, that you can't
00:07:59.020 share this stuff with your significant other.
00:08:01.320 Of course you should be able to, but saying that you feel like shit or saying that you're
00:08:05.800 dealing with a problem or saying you're dealing with an issue, or you're dealing with people,
00:08:08.820 or you're dealing with a certain feeling, whatever it is that you might be going through
00:08:12.220 right now, simply expressing that is an incomplete thought.
00:08:17.780 It's an incomplete thought.
00:08:19.100 The complete thought is I'm dealing with this.
00:08:22.680 So I am going to do X moving forward.
00:08:25.560 Now, that being said, I also believe that there is a time and a place where we should
00:08:31.100 be able to have these conversations.
00:08:34.040 Maybe there are some things that you just need to get off your chest.
00:08:38.140 Maybe you are dealing with something and you don't quite know how to work through it.
00:08:41.560 So you, you need to talk with somebody to bounce these ideas off of.
00:08:45.540 So you can begin to work through these things, but I would argue that that is not the role
00:08:50.940 of your spouse.
00:08:53.620 That's the role of a battle brother.
00:08:56.200 That's the role of a friend in your, in your community or your neighborhood, or, you know,
00:09:01.620 it could even be the role of your spouse.
00:09:03.140 If you're doing it from the perspective of how do we begin to solve this?
00:09:06.760 How do we create solutions to the problem?
00:09:09.080 I hear a lot of guys will say, well, I just need to vent.
00:09:11.700 I just need to get things off my chest.
00:09:14.500 Don't do that to your wife.
00:09:17.300 Don't do that to your wife because it alienates her.
00:09:22.280 It doesn't paint you in a positive light and it isn't conducive to results and success moving
00:09:27.960 forward.
00:09:29.180 Now, if I was dealing with an issue and I said, Hey hon, you know, I really need to talk with
00:09:32.420 you about something.
00:09:33.500 I've got a couple of ideas of my own, and I would like to hear what you have to say,
00:09:36.680 because believe it or not, in contrary to what some of you might believe after hearing
00:09:40.040 this podcast, I actually value my wife's opinion.
00:09:42.700 I believe she brings something to the table that I don't bring myself.
00:09:46.120 If I didn't believe that that was the case, I wouldn't have been married to her for almost
00:09:50.420 17 years now.
00:09:52.080 She enhances my life.
00:09:53.400 She adds something to my life.
00:09:54.820 And so her opinion matters.
00:09:57.520 Her perspective is relevant and important to me.
00:10:00.460 So there might be times in my life where I'm dealing with a particular issue and I will
00:10:03.960 go to her and tell her what I'm dealing with.
00:10:06.140 And I will tell her directly, I would really like your opinion.
00:10:09.800 Here's what I think.
00:10:11.480 Here's what I'm thinking about doing.
00:10:13.400 Here's the solution I came up with.
00:10:15.500 Here's the path I'm exploring and considering right now, but I would like to hear your perspective
00:10:20.720 because maybe you'll share something with me that either I'm not privy to or not aware
00:10:25.540 of or not tuned in with.
00:10:27.160 And so what perspective can you give to me so that I can round out my thought process and
00:10:33.020 I can lead us forward into better results with our finances or the culture and dynamics
00:10:39.860 of our family and how we raise our children or any number of things that you could be dealing
00:10:43.520 with, with regards to your wife, but to treat her as a sounding board, to treat her as some
00:10:51.660 outlet of frustration and venting, I think undermines who you are and what you're able
00:10:59.740 to do and accomplish within the dynamic of your family.
00:11:03.740 So guys, as I close things out today, cause this is a very quick one.
00:11:09.100 I want you to think about the way you say things to people and not just people, but in this case,
00:11:15.920 in this context, specifically your wife, how do you communicate with her?
00:11:20.320 Not only the words that you're using, but the, the, the tone, the inflection, the meaning,
00:11:26.060 the purpose behind the words that you're using and what message is she receiving?
00:11:31.600 And by the way, the information I'm sharing with you right now, it doesn't apply just to
00:11:35.140 your wife.
00:11:35.680 It applies to your employees or your children, colleagues, coworkers, people looking to you
00:11:42.380 to lead.
00:11:42.960 And if you're constantly complaining about, Oh, this is so hard and this is so challenging
00:11:48.600 and life is this and life is that.
00:11:50.580 And I don't know what to do.
00:11:51.980 That doesn't sound like a leader.
00:11:55.120 That sounds like a lost little boy who needs direction.
00:11:57.980 And that's not what you are.
00:12:00.500 At least that's not what you should be.
00:12:03.680 You're the authority.
00:12:04.840 You're the leader.
00:12:06.680 You're the patriarch of your home, which means you need to come to the table with your own
00:12:10.880 solutions.
00:12:11.660 And then you need to ask your people in this case, your wife or your children, or in other
00:12:15.760 contexts, your employees, you need to ask them for feedback.
00:12:18.620 This is not an ego driven conversation either guys.
00:12:21.400 It doesn't mean that you will always have the solutions that you always have the answer
00:12:25.600 that your way is always the best way.
00:12:28.000 It just means you need to explore and consider that you should come to the table with some
00:12:33.520 solutions and see if anybody else has some perspective that will help you make a better
00:12:39.020 decision to lead your family.
00:12:40.240 So guys, be the leader.
00:12:42.220 I can't tell you how often I see and hear from men who are struggling in their marriage
00:12:45.800 because they're acting more like their wife's girlfriend than they are their husband.
00:12:49.500 And it isn't any wonder that she may at some point, uh, go looking for that leadership
00:12:55.480 for that masculinity from somewhere else.
00:12:59.420 It isn't any wonder that she feels like here's a term that I've heard some of you guys use that
00:13:05.400 she feels like she's living with a roommate.
00:13:09.120 Are you a roommate?
00:13:11.280 Are you her BFF?
00:13:12.940 Or are you her husband?
00:13:17.160 Ask yourself that question.
00:13:18.500 And then honestly assessed in which role you are behaving and then make better decisions,
00:13:28.060 come to the table with some solutions, help her with the issues and things that she's dealing
00:13:34.560 with vent and use sounding boards somewhere else.
00:13:38.180 So you can come to the table with answers to the problems and the challenges that ail you
00:13:42.820 be vulnerable only, only for means to an end, not for the sake of being vulnerable, because
00:13:50.780 people told you that's popular.
00:13:52.700 And that's what you should do now express the challenges and struggles in a positive and
00:13:58.780 productive way.
00:13:59.960 That's actually how you exercise vulnerability.
00:14:02.980 It's the same thing as on the, uh, on the battlefield, you know, as you're assessing your,
00:14:09.380 your situation on the battlefield, or you're looking at the enemy's positions, or even if
00:14:14.460 you're studying tape, because you're going to play somebody else's team in basketball or football,
00:14:20.020 you are going to look for your weaknesses, your quote unquote vulnerabilities only, only
00:14:27.440 so that you can shore those areas up and make sure that your weaknesses aren't exploited by
00:14:33.940 anybody else.
00:14:34.720 It's the same thing in life.
00:14:37.120 Vulnerability for the sake of vulnerability doesn't help vulnerability for the sake of
00:14:40.420 finding solutions to your problems is what people are looking for is the leadership people
00:14:45.020 are looking for.
00:14:45.900 It's what will improve your life.
00:14:47.540 It's well, it's what will allow you to lead your wife and your children and the people
00:14:52.240 under your care.
00:14:53.040 Well, so do it.
00:14:54.500 Heed that advice.
00:14:55.360 Cause I've been on the other end of the boat too, where I've complained and I've bitched
00:14:59.100 and moaned about how hard businesses and how bad this is.
00:15:01.860 And it's just not conducive to a productive and effective marriage.
00:15:05.360 So I hope that serves you guys.
00:15:07.280 Let me know if it does, if you want to have a discussion and a debate about this, because
00:15:10.120 I know some of you will, you're not going to agree with me.
00:15:12.900 Um, let's have that discussion, follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, wherever you're
00:15:17.440 doing the social media thing.
00:15:18.600 Talk to me, the goods, the bads, the disagreements, the indifference, whatever, whatever it is,
00:15:23.040 whatever you're feeling, talk to me, let me know.
00:15:24.980 And I think if we work together through these, uh, healthy discussions, although we may not
00:15:29.400 agree on everything, I think we'll start to round out who we are as men and how we show
00:15:33.340 up, which is the most important thing, how we show up as fathers, husbands, community
00:15:38.500 leaders, owners of our businesses, employees, and every other facet of life in which we show
00:15:42.660 up.
00:15:43.120 All right, guys, we'll be back next week.
00:15:44.820 Mr. Tim Kennedy, the one and only Tim Kennedy is going to be joining me on the podcast.
00:15:48.760 So make sure you subscribe, leave a rating and review, check out the iron council and above
00:15:54.640 all go out there, take action.
00:15:56.600 Come to man.
00:15:57.340 You.
00:15:58.520 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
00:16:01.300 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
00:16:05.740 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.