Order of Man - How Men Lost Their Voice (And, How to Get it Back) ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 And there's a cost of silence, guys.

00:00:02.100 You sitting around twiddling your thumbs and letting people disrespect you has a cost.

00:00:08.180 Imagine yourself.

00:00:09.180 You never express what you think.

00:00:11.340 You never tell your wife what you actually want and need.

00:00:14.940 You never tell your boss what is realistic or unrealistic.

00:00:19.260 You just simply absorb it all like a punching bag.

00:00:23.340 You can either advocate for yourself or you can resent the people you love later.

00:00:30.960 Men, today I want to talk about one of the most important skills that you'll ever develop.

00:00:38.880 And ironically, it's one that you were never taught.

00:00:43.580 It's called self-advocacy.

00:00:45.740 Now, most men listening have spent their entire lives being told that you should not rock the boat.

00:00:54.800 Don't make people uncomfortable.

00:00:56.940 Don't ask for too much.

00:00:58.560 Just be grateful for what you have.

00:01:01.480 And because of that conditioning, most men today can't communicate their needs.

00:01:07.440 They can't state their boundaries.

00:01:09.120 They can't advocate for themselves in relationships, in work, in life.

00:01:14.300 Not because they're weak necessarily.

00:01:17.020 I think that's what most people would say, that these guys are weak or they're being nice guys.

00:01:21.340 And while maybe an element of that is true, but it's because nobody ever taught them how to do it.

00:01:28.260 And so today, I want to fix that.

00:01:30.900 I want to teach you how to stand up for yourself.

00:01:32.800 I want to teach you how to speak your mind.

00:01:35.320 I want to teach you how to advocate for yourself.

00:01:37.580 But what we need to understand is that there was a point in time where men actually lost their voice.

00:01:44.540 So we need to start with why that actually matters.

00:01:48.500 And from the time that we as young boys were young, society has told us to be nice, to be quiet, to stop being so aggressive, to tone it down, to relax.

00:02:04.360 These are the things that we've been conditioned to believe.

00:02:07.580 We take that raw, bold, assertive, courageous energy that boys naturally have, and we sand it down.

00:02:18.420 We water it down until nothing sharp, nothing impactful, nothing incredible remains.

00:02:28.720 You know, we turn fire into a candle.

00:02:35.160 And those boys grow into men who, they allow disrespect.

00:02:42.100 They tolerate chaos.

00:02:44.960 They deal with unhealthy relationships.

00:02:49.600 They engage in careers that they hate.

00:02:52.740 They enjoy, almost to a degree, things that they were never meant to carry.

00:03:01.900 And again, it's not because they're weak, and it's not because they don't feel any sort of injustice or frustration about it.

00:03:08.960 It's because they don't believe that they're allowed to speak up.

00:03:13.000 I mean, how many times as a young man have you been told to sit down, to shut up, to color within the lines, to do what you're told,

00:03:19.000 to be quiet, to let the adults talk, that sort of thing.

00:03:25.060 And that's a problem because men today have been conditioned to advocate for everyone else but themselves.

00:03:32.780 Your wife, your kids, your job, causes that you believe in, but never for yourself.

00:03:42.940 It's always for other people.

00:03:45.100 And while I believe that it's important that we advocate for those other people who are important in our lives,

00:03:51.360 I also believe it's equally important that we advocate for ourselves.

00:03:55.760 Because here's the truth.

00:03:57.240 If you can't advocate for yourself, then you can't lead anyone else.

00:04:05.740 And don't you want to be a leader?

00:04:08.660 Don't you want to protect, provide, and preside over and for the people that you love and care about?

00:04:13.540 Well, leadership requires clarity.

00:04:17.540 Man, leadership requires boundaries.

00:04:20.060 It requires communication.

00:04:22.040 It requires courage and risk-taking. 0.53

00:04:24.300 But before I go any further, I want to kill some of the lies or a lie that we often hear.

00:04:34.180 And that is that self-advocacy, you standing up for yourself, you communicating your wishes and dreams and desires,

00:04:42.520 that somehow it equals selfishness.

00:04:45.760 It doesn't.

00:04:47.240 It's not selfish, guys.

00:04:49.600 Self-advocacy is responsibility.

00:04:51.820 You know, there's a huge difference between demanding that the world bend to your desires and wishes

00:05:00.020 and communicating clearly what you need in order to show up at your best self.

00:05:08.080 You know, so many men feel guilty for asking for anything.

00:05:14.040 You know, time to train, space to think, boundaries around work, clarity in relationships,

00:05:23.280 respect in communication with the people that you care about.

00:05:26.340 But here's the irony about it.

00:05:27.620 When a man denies his own needs for too long, for long enough, he ends up becoming resentful.

00:05:40.740 He gets bitter.

00:05:42.240 Have you experienced this?

00:05:43.420 You get bitter.

00:05:44.260 You get resentful.

00:05:46.860 Maybe you become unreliable.

00:05:49.500 Maybe you check out.

00:05:50.560 Maybe you're just exhausted.

00:05:51.660 I mean, I've been there, and in many ways I'm there today, and we're just beat down.

00:05:57.160 We're ragged.

00:05:57.780 We're exhausted.

00:05:58.600 We're frustrated.

00:06:00.360 And none of that helps you.

00:06:03.760 It doesn't help your family.

00:06:06.560 It doesn't help your clients or your colleagues or your neighbors.

00:06:12.840 But men who advocate for themselves, and you need to realize this, they aren't selfish.

00:06:20.680 They're stable.

00:06:23.260 Most of the time, those individuals are respected.

00:06:25.980 They're anchored.

00:06:26.980 They're grounded in who they are.

00:06:29.340 And people look up to that because other people want to be that.

00:06:33.680 And there's a cost of silence, guys.

00:06:36.000 There really is.

00:06:37.060 Because you sitting around, twiddling your thumbs, letting the world pass you by, and

00:06:42.820 letting people disrespect you, and letting people take advantage of you, even if they're

00:06:47.880 not doing it out of devious intentions, has a cost.

00:06:52.680 So let me paint a picture for you.

00:06:55.960 I want you to imagine a man, or maybe even imagine yourself.

00:06:59.340 That would be better.

00:06:59.960 Imagine yourself.

00:07:02.240 You never express what you think.

00:07:04.560 You never tell your wife what you actually want and need.

00:07:11.780 You never tell your boss what is or is not realistic or unrealistic.

00:07:19.240 You never tell your friends or your accountability partners what you expect.

00:07:24.520 You don't speak up when something feels wrong.

00:07:28.640 It feels off a little bit, or somebody disrespects you, or is unfair towards you.

00:07:33.100 You just simply absorb it all like a punching bag.

00:07:41.140 That's what too many men have become. 0.99

00:07:42.740 You're a punching bag. 0.83

00:07:44.620 You let other people train on you. 0.99

00:07:46.680 You let other people beat up on you.

00:07:48.380 You let other people make accusations and tell you why you're wrong and what you're doing

00:07:55.040 could be done better.

00:07:56.040 And you just sit there and you absorb it.

00:08:01.980 And I can appreciate the fact that you think it's virtuous to be that punching bag, but it isn't.

00:08:08.680 It is virtuous to be able to withstand the attacks that life has to offer.

00:08:15.860 There's a quote.

00:08:18.240 I'm going to butcher this, so hang with me on this one.

00:08:21.300 The real man gains renown by standing between his family and fate, absorbing the blows of fate with equanimity.

00:08:30.200 I slaughtered that a little bit.

00:08:32.280 Absorbing the blows of fate with equanimity.

00:08:35.060 I love that phrase.

00:08:36.160 If there's one quote that encapsulates what you ought to be doing as a man, it's that.

00:08:45.140 You are to absorb the blows of fate with equanimity.

00:08:49.820 What does that mean?

00:08:50.520 It means that you're solid.

00:08:52.840 You're stable.

00:08:54.020 You're strong.

00:08:54.780 You're secure.

00:08:55.540 You can handle whatever comes to you.

00:08:58.600 And so it is virtuous to be able to absorb it, but it's not prudent all the time.

00:09:03.600 It's not in your best interest, and frankly, it's not in the best interest of other people because here's what happens.

00:09:09.580 When a man becomes instable because he's not communicating his needs, desires, wishes, on the extreme, he goes up and shoots a school.

00:09:20.380 We've seen that time and time again.

00:09:23.740 But more often, what happens is you as a man feel frustrated.

00:09:27.720 And it comes out in unexpected ways.

00:09:35.900 What happens is you become agitated and irritable.

00:09:40.080 Little, ticky-tacky, nitpicky things bother you that shouldn't bother you.

00:09:45.380 Because it's just one more cut.

00:09:49.400 Death by a thousand cuts.

00:09:51.400 You become passive-aggressive. 0.97

00:09:53.700 You don't communicate like a man. 0.62

00:09:55.060 Instead, you dance around it, and you clown around, and you play around, and you make little slights, and you think it's cute and clever, but it's not.

00:10:02.540 It's annoying and obnoxious and frustrating.

00:10:05.140 Maybe you become cold.

00:10:11.740 You shut down.

00:10:13.920 You isolate.

00:10:16.820 You withdraw.

00:10:19.140 Your wife says something to you that gets you frustrated.

00:10:22.060 Instead of dealing with it like a man, you don't talk about it at all, and then you just shut her down.

00:10:28.020 And then because you shut her down, she's feeling shut down, obviously, and then it becomes a problem.

00:10:35.140 Or maybe you even become explosive.

00:10:40.280 You lash out.

00:10:41.860 I've done this.

00:10:42.620 I did this in the last week with somebody I love.

00:10:46.900 I lashed out unnecessarily.

00:10:51.120 It didn't even warrant the way that I responded.

00:10:57.360 But I did it anyways.

00:10:59.760 That's because we are not communicating our wants, needs, and desires as frequently as we should.

00:11:10.460 Guys, your silence always has a cost.

00:11:13.440 And you pay for it with your peace, with your health, with your relationships.

00:11:23.360 You know, most of us, I don't think as men, are exploding because we're angry.

00:11:29.380 We're exploding because we've swallowed everything up.

00:11:34.100 All the proverbial arrows and darts and swords and shots and bullets for five years, 10 years, 20 years, 40 years, 60 years.

00:11:47.120 I run a course called Divorce Not Death. 0.99

00:11:49.180 These guys have been swallowing and just absorbing all the bullshit for decades. 0.99

00:11:55.520 It's no wonder that you're mad and frustrated and contentious and you have animosity between you and your wife. 1.00

00:12:03.420 It's no wonder that she's frustrated with you because you aren't being a man.

00:12:11.740 You aren't standing on your own two feet.

00:12:16.000 You aren't communicating your wishes and desires.

00:12:19.320 You're just trying to keep the peace.

00:12:22.040 And you think that's virtuous, and it isn't.

00:12:24.280 It isn't always virtuous to keep the peace.

00:12:28.240 Now, there might be some unimportant issues that you're dealing with where it doesn't matter.

00:12:32.780 And I would say, don't let that stuff work you up.

00:12:35.300 Let it slide.

00:12:36.240 But keeping the peace on important issues for you or your wife or your kids or your colleagues or your friends or your neighbors,

00:12:43.200 and they're important, that isn't virtuous.

00:12:47.340 That's weakness.

00:12:48.260 That's cowardice.

00:12:49.620 That isn't how we behave.

00:12:52.140 So here's the rule.

00:12:54.280 You can either advocate for yourself early and often,

00:12:59.560 or you can resent the people you love later.

00:13:05.620 There's no third option to that.

00:13:07.640 You either advocate for yourself early and often,

00:13:10.000 or you end up resenting the people that you love later.

00:13:13.740 So let's talk about what this actually looks like.

00:13:18.320 I'm going to give you some very practical examples because I don't want to just preach and proclaim in this 30,000-foot view.

00:13:28.020 I want to give you real advice.

00:13:29.960 So we'll break this down into some realms.

00:13:32.240 So first, in your relationship.

00:13:33.900 And this might look like, I'm going to give you some real world examples that I've used that I've seen other men use that work really well.

00:13:40.720 So in your relationship, your romantic relationship, you might say something like,

00:13:45.400 I need 45 minutes after work tonight to just decompress, to unwind before we jump into any conversation.

00:13:56.100 That's fair.

00:13:57.260 That's reasonable.

00:13:58.020 You know, when I was working my financial planning practice through years of trial and error, getting this wrong and getting this right,

00:14:07.640 I would begin to drive home without any music, no podcasts, because podcasts weren't a thing then.

00:14:15.160 No music, nothing distracting me because I just wanted to decompress on the 30-minute drive home.

00:14:21.720 And that helped me well.

00:14:23.580 Here's another one.

00:14:24.400 I'm not okay with being treated disrespectfully.

00:14:31.440 I expect that we can communicate clearly.

00:14:36.500 So if she's nitpicking you or insulting you or degrading you or raising her voice towards you,

00:14:46.080 it's okay for you to say, hey, I'm not okay with the disrespectful tone.

00:14:51.260 I'm going to go ahead and back out of this conversation.

00:14:54.400 And I'm not avoiding it.

00:14:57.340 We can talk about it later, but I'm not okay with this disrespectful tone.

00:15:00.660 So if we can change that tone, I'd be happy to have a conversation with you.

00:15:05.720 Another one might be, I want to have a weekly check-in so that we stay aligned.

00:15:13.600 You know, because things come up, right?

00:15:15.280 The kid's got ballet and your son's have basketball practice and your work's demanding this time and attention from you.

00:15:23.260 And you got this big project and she's concerned about the things that she's got going on.

00:15:27.100 Maybe she's got a new job or she's got family issues that she needs to work through. 1.00

00:15:32.020 And so it's important to say, hey, I just want to check in on a weekly basis.

00:15:35.360 Hey, babe, Monday at seven o'clock after we've had dinner, the kids are maybe watching a show or doing some homework.

00:15:44.560 I want to sit down with you and just spend 30 minutes just checking in and making sure that we're aligned.

00:15:48.220 That's okay to say.

00:15:49.660 She'd actually appreciate it.

00:15:51.000 So that's in your relationship.

00:15:52.220 Let's talk about at work.

00:15:53.080 At work, you might say to a project manager, a boss that, hey, this deadline, it's not realistic, but here is what is realistic.

00:16:05.840 You might say, I want to get clear on what expectations you have of me before I commit to taking on this role, taking on this project, taking on this assignment, securing that promotion.

00:16:22.660 What expectations do you have of me?

00:16:26.220 You might also say, if I'm responsible for the outcome of what we're going to do, then I want the authority to make decisions on it.

00:16:35.080 Right?

00:16:35.500 Because if it goes right, you're not a hero.

00:16:38.100 That other person might be a hero.

00:16:39.520 If it goes wrong, you're the villain.

00:16:41.560 So you might say, hey, if I'm responsible for the outcome of this project, then I need authority.

00:16:46.540 And here's what authority looks like to be able to make decisions about what we're going to do.

00:16:50.180 Can I get that authority?

00:16:52.660 With your friends and your brothers and people you are accountable to and people who are accountable to you, you might say, hey, if we're going to hold each other accountable, then we're going to need to be honest with each other.

00:17:09.720 And I don't know that you're being honest right now.

00:17:12.700 Help me understand that.

00:17:13.780 Or maybe you're trying to quit drinking, as I have over the past several years.

00:17:20.860 And you might tell your friend who wants you to go out and have a drink, say, hey, I don't drink anymore.

00:17:25.860 So I don't really want you pressuring me to drink.

00:17:28.340 Or I don't want to put myself in environments where I might be tempted to do so.

00:17:33.360 That's fair.

00:17:34.360 A real friend would respect that.

00:17:35.900 Now, with yourself, and this is oftentimes the hardest because you can deceive yourself.

00:17:40.560 You might say, hey, I don't, there's no more excuses for my poor behavior.

00:17:45.540 I'm going training today.

00:17:49.600 You might say, I'm done tolerating mediocrity in my diet or in my workout or in my relationships or in my business.

00:17:59.840 You might say, I am going to finish this project that I started.

00:18:07.340 I'm guilty of this.

00:18:08.560 How many projects have I started and never really finished up?

00:18:12.000 No, I'm going to finish it.

00:18:14.600 And I'm going to tell myself I'm going to finish it.

00:18:16.260 And then I'm going to actually get to work.

00:18:18.120 You don't need to be loud.

00:18:19.940 Advocacy shows up everywhere.

00:18:21.780 You don't need to be aggressive about it.

00:18:23.760 You don't need to be emotional about it.

00:18:26.400 You don't need to be boisterous or flamboyant about it.

00:18:29.840 You just need to do it because self-advocacy is clarity and clarity and equals courage.

00:18:36.300 And if you have courage, then you'll be able to be consistent.

00:18:39.280 And there's a three-step, what I've called a three-step protocol.

00:18:46.000 And so here's the framework that I teach inside of Order of Man, inside of our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council.

00:18:52.980 And it works literally every single time.

00:18:56.520 Okay, so number one is clarity around what you actually need.

00:19:02.980 Most men, they skip this step.

00:19:06.360 They don't know what they want.

00:19:08.660 A lot of the times they know what they don't want.

00:19:11.220 I don't want to do this.

00:19:12.300 I don't want to show up that way.

00:19:13.380 I don't want to behave this way.

00:19:14.520 I want to get rid of this.

00:19:15.560 I want to get rid of that.

00:19:16.520 I know what I don't want, but I don't know what I actually want.

00:19:19.420 So what I want you to do is I want you to take 60 seconds and ask yourself, what am I requiring of myself, of other people, of the environment, of the situation?

00:19:30.840 What is it that I'm requiring?

00:19:33.780 Number two, what am I no longer going to tolerate?

00:19:37.460 Is it a certain behavior?

00:19:41.500 Is it a certain thought process?

00:19:43.620 Is it certain people?

00:19:44.960 I'm not going to tolerate that behavior anymore.

00:19:47.180 I'm not going to do it.

00:19:49.880 Next, what do I need to perform at my best?

00:19:54.480 Is it sleep?

00:19:58.200 Is it fuel?

00:19:59.740 Is it training?

00:20:01.600 Is it rest?

00:20:03.540 Is it a distraction-free environment?

00:20:06.560 What do I need to perform at my best?

00:20:09.440 So again, number one, you have to get clarity on what you actually need and want, not what you don't want.

00:20:14.440 Number two, communicate your needs to other people without the emotion.

00:20:20.760 Again, you don't need to be aggressive about this.

00:20:23.360 You don't need to tell people, I'm going to take care of myself and F off.

00:20:26.900 You know, this is the zero F's mentality.

00:20:29.340 It doesn't work.

00:20:31.060 It doesn't make you feel good, especially if this is something you're struggling with.

00:20:34.160 And it doesn't make people excited to be around you.

00:20:37.140 I'm so tired of people saying, well, I don't care what anybody else thinks.

00:20:40.360 They don't like it.

00:20:41.380 Then that's their problem.

00:20:43.200 No, there are people that you probably care about what they think of you.

00:20:47.640 Your wife, your kids, your friends, your colleagues, your co-workers, the people that were called to serve.

00:20:53.040 So you don't need to be aggressive.

00:20:54.780 But you also don't need to be apologetic about it.

00:20:59.300 Get rid of the verbiage, I'm sorry, unless you truly are sorry.

00:21:04.660 You know, I hear guys all the time.

00:21:05.820 They'll say, hey, I'm sorry to put you out.

00:21:07.320 Are you sorry?

00:21:09.000 Because you don't seem sorry.

00:21:11.620 And if you were really sorry, then you wouldn't put me out.

00:21:14.540 But you did.

00:21:15.440 So don't say I'm sorry about it.

00:21:16.860 Just say, hey, I want to talk with you about something.

00:21:20.800 Hey, I'm sorry if this bothers you.

00:21:22.920 Are you sorry about that?

00:21:24.140 Should you be sorry about that?

00:21:25.380 I don't really care if this bothers you.

00:21:27.580 Now I'm going to be respectful about the way I communicate things.

00:21:30.620 But I have something to say.

00:21:34.280 And so I'm going to say it assertively.

00:21:37.400 And I'm not apologetic about the way that I feel.

00:21:41.180 It's just being clear.

00:21:46.380 Hey, babe, I need to talk with you about something.

00:21:50.220 I've been frustrated the past several weeks about X, Y, and Z.

00:21:52.980 And I wanted to bring that up and tell you that I've been frustrated.

00:21:55.040 And here's why.

00:21:56.760 Or a team member.

00:21:59.140 Hey, Joe, I wanted to talk with you about your performance.

00:22:03.300 I've been frustrated because we had some expectations.

00:22:05.780 And it doesn't seem to be from where I'm sitting that you're meeting those expectations.

00:22:09.720 And I wanted to chat with you about that.

00:22:11.480 So try this formula.

00:22:13.040 Here's what I need.

00:22:14.640 And here's why.

00:22:16.220 And here's what helps me do that.

00:22:17.520 So you might say, hey, babe, you know, I really need communication.

00:22:24.620 Because when we have communication, it helps me understand where you're coming from.

00:22:29.860 And it helps me have a better picture of how we can operate as husband and wife.

00:22:37.340 And it would help me if when you're having a bad day, instead of shutting down and not talking with me about it, if you just expressed to me, I had a bad day because the kids were out of line or because my boss yelled at me or because we missed a deadline or because I'm on my period or whatever.

00:22:59.860 But that's the formula.

00:23:01.760 Here's what I want.

00:23:02.780 Here's why I want it.

00:23:03.780 And here's what would help me do that.

00:23:05.640 And I think most people would accommodate that.

00:23:08.360 Because this turns what would normally be conflict into a collaborative process.

00:23:16.440 Because now she's bought into it.

00:23:18.540 You can do the same thing with your boss.

00:23:19.980 Hey, boss, you told me you wanted to get this project done.

00:23:23.900 In order to do that, here's the things I need.

00:23:25.860 I need these resources.

00:23:27.020 I need Joe from accounting and Bob from marketing and Bill from accounts receivable.

00:23:33.760 And I need those individuals as part of this process.

00:23:37.240 Because if I have them, then I can coordinate and we can make this a more profitable experience.

00:23:42.140 And in order to do that, I would like to have access to them.

00:23:47.200 I'd like to do a weekly meeting where we can just all four of us get together and have a discussion about that.

00:23:52.940 Are you good with that?

00:23:53.760 And he's going to say yes, of course.

00:23:55.280 He's going to say yes.

00:23:56.520 Of course he is.

00:23:58.500 Because he wants to win too.

00:24:01.020 Number three.

00:24:01.780 This is the last point I want to make on this one.

00:24:03.660 You have to hold a line.

00:24:05.560 And this is where most men fail.

00:24:07.140 Because you advocating for yourself or you expressing your desires once is not enough.

00:24:14.240 Because people are going to test your boundaries.

00:24:16.060 Not even deviously.

00:24:17.320 They're not even doing it on purpose.

00:24:18.500 But they are going to test your boundaries.

00:24:20.000 They're not malicious about it.

00:24:21.560 But naturally, if you don't enforce what you say you want or what you're going to do,

00:24:26.660 then you really haven't set a boundary, right?

00:24:28.700 It's more of a guideline, as they'd say in Pirates of the Caribbean.

00:24:34.260 It's more of a guideline.

00:24:35.360 This is not a guideline.

00:24:37.660 This is a boundary.

00:24:39.060 They think that you just made a suggestion.

00:24:41.180 Women are guilty of this all the time, in fact. 1.00

00:24:44.080 They might say, well, you know, it makes me feel bad if you do this thing.

00:24:51.200 I don't like when you do X, Y, and Z.

00:24:54.100 I have a hard time with A, B, and C.

00:24:57.420 That's okay.

00:25:00.380 And we don't hear that.

00:25:02.720 Men don't hear that the same way.

00:25:04.080 But if they use the formula, if women use the formula that I just shared, 1.00

00:25:08.820 here's what I need, here's why, and here's what would help me do that.

00:25:12.080 What she might say, for example, with my drinking, I'm going to go back to my drinking days.

00:25:17.120 My ex-wife would say, well, I don't really like when you drink.

00:25:19.840 Okay, and what would have been better is, hey, when you're home with me, I don't want you to drink.

00:25:33.280 Because when you drink, you are more irritable or you are not engaged with the family.

00:25:42.260 And I don't like that.

00:25:46.300 And what would help me raise our kids the proper way is if you didn't drink at night.

00:25:54.600 If you didn't drink before dinner.

00:25:56.260 If you help me put the kids to bed.

00:25:57.620 If you help me do this, this, and this.

00:25:59.600 That would help me.

00:26:01.380 Do you guys see the difference?

00:26:02.320 Now, I'm not blaming my behavior on her by any means.

00:26:06.360 Please do not misunderstand me.

00:26:08.260 But I'm saying, especially if you're a lady listening to this, that's the three-part formula.

00:26:12.880 Not, like, I don't like it.

00:26:14.560 That doesn't mean anything to men.

00:26:18.340 The way that we communicate as men is threefold.

00:26:21.760 Here's what I need.

00:26:23.480 Here's why it's important.

00:26:25.380 And here's what will help me do that.

00:26:27.180 And men, we should do the same thing.

00:26:28.640 When you complain about the way your wife shows up or complain about your boss doing something or not doing something, you sound feminine. 0.74

00:26:38.520 Instead, three-part formula, here's what I need.

00:26:42.480 Here's why.

00:26:43.340 Here's what will help me do that.

00:26:44.420 All right, last point here I'm going to make, guys, is how this connects to leadership.

00:26:51.440 Self-advocacy, just, it isn't communication alone.

00:26:54.640 It's leadership.

00:26:55.240 Because as a man, if you can't speak for yourself, then you can't protect anything.

00:27:00.940 You can't direct people.

00:27:03.980 You can't be relied on.

00:27:05.960 People are always going to wonder how you're going to show up.

00:27:08.380 You can't be respected because nobody believes that you're respectable.

00:27:13.660 But men who stand up for what they want, they become men that other people trust.

00:27:19.400 And they don't always agree or see eye to eye or believe or love or whatever, but they're respectable.

00:27:24.840 I have plenty of men in my life who I don't agree with, but I respect them.

00:27:28.960 And as a virtue of men, I would much rather be respected than loved.

00:27:37.120 I think you would too.

00:27:39.060 A man who respects his own time, his own attention, his own priorities, his own values becomes a man who can be followed, who can be influential.

00:27:48.700 It's the foundation for stability in your life.

00:27:55.600 And what's important to know is that you can do this on your own and you should.

00:28:01.620 And alternatively, or not even alternatively, but in addition to, you can band with us.

00:28:06.260 Because we've got an open enrollment right now inside the Iron Council and we train on self-advocacy.

00:28:14.800 Every week, men are stating what their objectives are.

00:28:20.020 They're communicating their needs.

00:28:21.640 I had a great phone call with a really good friend of mine.

00:28:26.160 And I'm not going to mention any names.

00:28:28.080 And he was dealing with something yesterday that a lot of men are dealing with.

00:28:32.620 Again, I'm not going to get into the specifics.

00:28:34.240 And he called me and he said, hey, Rye, can I talk with you?

00:28:36.020 I said, yeah, you can talk with me.

00:28:37.040 Let's get on a phone call.

00:28:38.540 And we talked for about, I don't know, 15 minutes, 15, 20 minutes.

00:28:42.600 And I shared a few things that he hadn't considered before. 0.76

00:28:44.960 He's not dumb.

00:28:46.100 He's very bright.

00:28:47.180 In fact, I've turned to him for a lot of things.

00:28:48.780 But I shared with him some things that he didn't maybe consider because he was in his own baggage.

00:28:58.580 He was in his head.

00:28:59.840 And I shared a few things like, oh, that's really good counsel.

00:29:02.440 That's what he said.

00:29:02.920 That's really good counsel.

00:29:03.780 Yeah, it was good counsel.

00:29:06.540 And he's given me good counsel.

00:29:10.100 Because I'm not tied to his baggage.

00:29:11.960 He's not tied to mine.

00:29:13.000 And so we give each other good counsel.

00:29:14.880 So we communicate our needs.

00:29:16.380 We uphold our boundaries in the Iron Council.

00:29:19.700 We're getting feedback from other men.

00:29:22.100 You know how many times I've shared with other guys like, hey, you're not showing up as powerfully as you could.

00:29:26.820 Here's a better way to do it.

00:29:27.880 And I walk with them on their own journey.

00:29:33.220 Guys, you don't become a better advocate for yourself by thinking about it. 1.00

00:29:37.340 You don't become one by surrounding yourself with men who are weak and cowardly and pathetic. 0.99

00:29:51.300 You need to surround yourself with people who model it, who expect it, who hold you to it. 0.87

00:29:57.480 So my call to action for you guys today, and I hope this conversation resonates with you.

00:30:03.120 And if you take nothing else away, I want you to take this. 0.72

00:30:06.800 You were not put on this earth to be silent, to be passive, to be invisible or weak or pathetic. 0.60

00:30:15.640 You were built to speak truth. 0.99

00:30:18.480 You were built to hold the line.

00:30:21.400 You were literally built to lead.

00:30:24.920 And self-advocacy is not about getting your way.

00:30:28.400 It's really not.

00:30:29.000 It's about stepping into the man you were destined to be.

00:30:33.340 And you can start today.

00:30:34.420 You should start today because I want 2026 to be incredible for you.

00:30:38.980 Pick one conversation that you've been avoiding and actually haven't.

00:30:45.640 Do one thing that you know you should have been doing but haven't yet done.

00:30:49.540 Because when you advocate for yourself, you don't just change your day.

00:30:56.800 You change your life.

00:31:00.080 And you change other people's lives.

00:31:03.760 And I believe at the core of what it means to be a man is to protect, provide, preside.

00:31:07.840 And if there's one thing all three of those have in common, it's the ability to serve other people.

00:31:13.740 And you cannot serve other people if you're not taking care of yourself.

00:31:18.780 Gentlemen, advocate for yourself.

00:31:21.080 Do it respectfully.

00:31:22.180 Do it honorably.

00:31:23.440 But advocate for yourself.

00:31:25.100 Believe in yourself.

00:31:26.960 Take care of yourself.

00:31:28.280 This is what is required as a man.

00:31:30.980 If you want more information on this, go to orderaman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:31:35.800 Make sure you subscribe.

00:31:37.000 We've got 9,000 reviews on Apple Podcasts.

00:31:40.700 I don't know how many on Spotify yet.

00:31:42.440 I see a bunch of posts about the top 10 podcasts and I've seen some good feedback from you.

00:31:46.740 We're going to blow this up in 2026.

00:31:48.760 You're going to be a big part of that.

00:31:50.100 And if I'm advocating for myself in this movement right now, I need you to share.

00:31:55.100 I need you to take a screenshot, share it with a brother, share it on Instagram, share it on Facebook.

00:31:59.700 And I need you to leave a rating and review.

00:32:01.980 That's what I would like from you.

00:32:03.340 And if you have anything you'd like from me, podcast, guests, ideas, insights, solutions, answers, whatever, reach out to me on the gram, on Facebook, wherever you're doing the social media thing.

00:32:14.660 Guys, we will be back next week.

00:32:16.500 Got a great, great conversation with Father Stephen Gabberry.

00:32:21.340 And we talk about some incredible things, not only about religion, but the practicality of being a man.

00:32:27.080 So check it out, subscribe, leave a rating and review, advocate for yourself, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:32:34.600 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:32:37.600 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:32:41.280 We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - December 05, 2025

How Men Lost Their Voice (And, How to Get it Back) ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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