Order of Man - How to Add Value When You Have No Value to Add, How to Control Your Anger Issues, and What Will Be Your Legacy

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.000 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.420 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.680 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.580 Mr. Kip Sorensen, good to be back. I don't know, man. Maybe I'm going to step down from you and Sean.

00:00:30.420 You guys seem to make the pretty dynamic duo, so I think I'll be calling on you guys more often.

00:00:35.680 Yeah, we had at least one person say good job, so.

00:00:39.800 Well, I had two, so now you're up to three.

00:00:41.940 I actually know that probably it was one person that emailed both of us, so you're up to two instead of three.

00:00:46.880 I wasn't sure if you got the message, so he sent you the same one.

00:00:49.500 Actually, now that I think about it, I think it was Sean who sent you the message, so.

00:00:52.460 All right.

00:00:53.340 So, basically, you guys didn't do that great a job, and nobody thought so.

00:00:59.740 No, I thought it was awesome.

00:01:02.120 I thought, obviously, we hear from you each and every week, so that's always good.

00:01:06.720 And then Sean brought a different element and dynamic to the equation.

00:01:09.940 And it's good from my end to know that I can let go of the reins and hand them over to you guys,

00:01:16.740 and things will go smoothly.

00:01:18.320 And you won't completely blow up what we've tried to create over the last six years in a period of 45 minutes.

00:01:25.140 Yeah.

00:01:25.600 And it's also good for our audience, too, because they get to hear from other men who might have some differing viewpoints or different ways of looking at things, but are still on the same path.

00:01:36.360 And there's value in that as well.

00:01:38.540 Yeah.

00:01:39.280 And I was saying, you've been really busy.

00:01:42.260 You've been all over the U.S., it seems like, this past week.

00:01:45.300 Yeah, it's been pretty crazy.

00:01:47.340 I went to Houston and interviewed Dan Crenshaw several weeks ago.

00:01:52.040 And then last week, I went to Atlanta and met with Jesse Itzler, which was amazing.

00:01:59.160 Such an incredible human being.

00:02:00.680 And then immediately, within a 24-hour window, flew to Detroit.

00:02:04.800 And I met with Jason Wilson, who is also a phenomenal human being.

00:02:10.700 His interview, as of the release of this podcast that we're doing, just came out yesterday.

00:02:16.240 So you're going to want to make sure you catch that one because it's very, very powerful.

00:02:20.760 One of my favorite conversations to date.

00:02:23.880 Awesome.

00:02:24.840 And not to mention, we also had a couple of meetups, too.

00:02:27.060 We did one in Houston.

00:02:28.020 We did one in Detroit.

00:02:30.080 I was going to do one in Atlanta, Houston.

00:02:32.500 Yeah, that was our Houston meetup.

00:02:33.720 Houston's in Texas.

00:02:36.020 I don't know if you knew that or not.

00:02:38.380 And then our Atlanta one.

00:02:40.220 I was going to do it, but I was just so crunched on time.

00:02:42.900 I just couldn't make it work this time.

00:02:44.620 But we're going to do more of them as we travel around a little bit.

00:02:49.440 Cool.

00:02:50.120 Cool.

00:02:50.300 All right.

00:02:52.500 Well, we have some questions from Facebook from last week.

00:02:56.680 You want to go ahead and dive into them?

00:02:58.400 Let's do it.

00:02:59.060 Let's jump right into it.

00:03:01.000 Yeah.

00:03:01.400 And to join us on Facebook, you can go to facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

00:03:07.020 First question, Chris Silverstreet, homeschooling for those of us on the fence.

00:03:12.700 Is there a plan to send the kids to college or trade school?

00:03:16.340 Is the first question.

00:03:17.200 And then second, what about if they want to go back to public school?

00:03:23.440 So regarding having a plan, I don't have a plan because it's not my life, right?

00:03:30.060 I have things that I would like to see.

00:03:33.080 Uh, but once my kids graduate high school, uh, they're it's there, it's, it's their life.

00:03:40.060 Like they get to decide.

00:03:41.180 So I don't, I don't know at this point, if they're going to want to go to college, if

00:03:44.180 they're going to want to go to trade school, if they're going to want to get right into

00:03:46.780 business, I don't know.

00:03:48.100 And that frankly, that really isn't my decision to make.

00:03:50.440 I'm going to talk with them about the pros and cons of all different options, including

00:03:54.660 college.

00:03:55.560 I think there are some pros in spite of me talking a lot about the cons.

00:04:00.100 There's also some pros too.

00:04:01.900 And so we'll talk about those things and then ultimately, uh, help them make a informed and

00:04:08.300 educated decision about what they want to do and how they want to progress with life.

00:04:13.620 So that's their decision, not mine, but again, we'll talk about it.

00:04:18.880 Uh, as far as what was it plans for going back to public education?

00:04:22.900 Was that the second question?

00:04:24.600 Yeah.

00:04:24.740 What if they want to go back to public school?

00:04:27.740 So my son, my oldest son, uh, he just started football and we, a lot of people asked me

00:04:33.240 cause they know he started football where, where are my two oldest boys playing?

00:04:36.700 They're playing through the city league.

00:04:38.680 So they're, they're not old enough to be in high school yet.

00:04:41.160 So they're playing on the city league teams.

00:04:43.180 Uh, but my oldest son has expressed interest in potentially going back to public school next

00:04:48.500 year and he'll be a freshman next year.

00:04:51.240 Uh, because he says, dad, I want to hang out with the guys on my team.

00:04:54.260 And I want to, I want to meet girls like this.

00:04:56.940 These are some of the things that are on his mind.

00:04:58.580 And those are all health.

00:04:59.500 Those are healthy considerations.

00:05:00.920 So him and I will be talking about that.

00:05:02.640 And his mother, my wife will be talking about that.

00:05:05.160 I'm not totally opposed to it again, contrary to what people might believe based on what I

00:05:10.640 say.

00:05:11.200 And I want to be very clear about something.

00:05:13.000 When I talk about the public schools failing our children, I think that's true.

00:05:17.660 I believe that's true, but that isn't a referendum on many school teachers.

00:05:23.700 Some sure, but I have school teachers in my personal circle who I think very, very highly

00:05:29.560 of.

00:05:30.140 And I think they would readily admit that there's a problem with government schooling and you

00:05:35.760 can go back and listen to other podcasts.

00:05:37.420 That's not what this question is about.

00:05:38.640 Uh, so my son and I, and my wife are going to talk about this.

00:05:43.180 We're again, we're going to talk about the pros and the cons.

00:05:45.700 And if we do decide that maybe he goes and tries for a year at public school, we're going

00:05:51.560 to be very, very vigilant about the process.

00:05:55.860 I'm going to be very, very involved.

00:05:58.420 What are you learning?

00:05:59.440 What are you hearing?

00:06:00.340 What's not being shared?

00:06:01.760 Who are your school teachers?

00:06:03.440 Who is your principal?

00:06:04.840 What books are you reading?

00:06:05.900 What, what is the administration?

00:06:07.120 Like I'm going to school board meetings.

00:06:08.860 Like we're doing all the things because this is my children and I'm not willing to risk

00:06:14.340 handing them over to a system that I'm not totally familiar with.

00:06:19.040 So if we do decide we are going to go down this route, we are going to be rapidly vested

00:06:26.020 in the entire process.

00:06:27.940 You can bet on that for sure.

00:06:30.140 And we'll be very vigilant about what's taking place and how lessons are being taught.

00:06:35.840 And, uh, there's going to be some things that my children, frankly, are going to opt

00:06:39.340 out of.

00:06:40.220 And if a teacher or their school board or the principal or the administration has a problem

00:06:43.700 with that, well, then we're done, but they don't get to decide for my child.

00:06:48.620 I get to decide for my child.

00:06:50.560 And, uh, we'll pick and choose based on what we feel is appropriate.

00:06:54.580 And if they can't handle that, we're all out in that case, then copy.

00:07:00.660 All right.

00:07:01.440 Cecile Graves, what's your guys's weekly family meetings look like?

00:07:05.600 Uh, you know, I've done the weekly family meeting thing I've done, uh, I've done sporadically

00:07:12.260 in the past.

00:07:13.140 Uh, we've been very methodical about it.

00:07:15.780 Uh, we've been very loose about it.

00:07:17.560 We've taken this from a bunch of different perspectives, but I I've always considered

00:07:21.100 looking at my life as a series of experiments and what's going to work best from my daily

00:07:27.240 plan to my daily planning, to my evening routine, to what I do during the day, how much time

00:07:32.220 I spend towards one thing, uh, versus the other.

00:07:35.580 Uh, but family meetings is also another thing.

00:07:37.760 So right now it, it really consists of intentional dinner time.

00:07:43.920 I've talked about it in the past where we're going to, every morning we get up and we talk

00:07:47.660 about this and we strategize.

00:07:48.940 We haven't been doing that for a little while.

00:07:51.160 Uh, and, and mostly I hate to admit to say that that's because we're busy.

00:07:55.900 They're busy.

00:07:56.720 I'm busy.

00:07:57.440 Trish is busy.

00:07:58.060 Like we've got all of our own things going on.

00:08:00.020 Um, and so we've had to deviate from that a little bit, but we've never deviated from,

00:08:08.000 uh, doing family dinners together and family dinner.

00:08:10.940 Isn't like a time where we just eat and like whatever happens, happens.

00:08:15.360 No, my wife and I are very, very intentional about it.

00:08:18.800 In fact, just yesterday, uh, we went to breakfast.

00:08:23.260 We were supposed to go to one of my son's football game.

00:08:25.600 We didn't realize it had been canceled due to COVID.

00:08:28.360 So we drove an hour to realize nobody's here.

00:08:31.780 So instead of we went to brunch and we were sitting down at the restaurant and we asked

00:08:37.360 good questions.

00:08:38.140 You know, like I asked a question like, Hey, if you could go on vacation anywhere in the

00:08:42.580 world, where would it be?

00:08:44.000 And what would it consist of?

00:08:45.220 And my, my wife asked, what's one thing that you've always wanted to try that we haven't

00:08:50.320 tried yet.

00:08:51.120 And so we're constantly asking these powerful questions so we can get into the minds of our

00:08:56.000 children and figure out what makes them tick.

00:08:59.180 Uh, outside of that, we do a walk, I would say around the property, uh, which is a mile.

00:09:04.760 It's a mile loop.

00:09:05.920 Exactly.

00:09:06.440 Actually.

00:09:06.760 Uh, we do that every, I would say one to two days.

00:09:10.660 And so we did that yesterday.

00:09:11.900 We went on a family walk and my son was, my oldest son was, I'm not going to get into all

00:09:18.100 the details, but he was struggling with something, but he really didn't want to share it with

00:09:21.080 me.

00:09:21.340 And so everybody else kind of went forward and me and him hung back.

00:09:25.200 And I tried something that I hadn't tried before based on the conversation I had with

00:09:30.040 Jason Wilson.

00:09:30.560 I said, Hey, you know, like, I know something's bothering you.

00:09:33.460 I want you to look in my eyes and tell me what's wrong.

00:09:35.440 And he would look into my eyes for a minute and then he would like turn away and say,

00:09:40.340 I don't know.

00:09:40.760 And I said, no, no, no, I need you to look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong.

00:09:45.640 And when he finally locked eyes with me and he was willing to at least do that part of

00:09:50.340 it, he shared some things that he was struggling with.

00:09:53.120 Uh, and it was a very powerful moment that we had.

00:09:56.720 And again, I'm not going to get into the details, but we're just very conscious of making

00:10:01.640 sure that we create the space and the margin to be able to have some of these conversations.

00:10:05.440 And we never go into it haphazardly or wondering what we're going to do.

00:10:09.820 We're just kind of letting it happen organically.

00:10:12.140 We're very, very intentional about it.

00:10:14.520 Uh, and that's what our family meetings consist of currently.

00:10:19.580 All right.

00:10:21.200 David Denton, uh, a bit of a long one.

00:10:24.340 My brother-in-law is in a dark place.

00:10:26.320 His job has led him to suffer some PTSD and has changed the man I once saw as a brother.

00:10:32.860 He has been cheating on my sister and now disassociates everybody in his life.

00:10:37.760 I told my sister that she can have everything including, uh, and he told my sister that she

00:10:43.900 can have everything, including their one and a half year old daughter question for you,

00:10:48.280 Ryan is how would you reach out and constructively tell him to pull his head out of his butt before

00:10:54.480 it's too late.

00:10:58.180 That's tough because Kip, you and I have talked about this at length.

00:11:01.360 You can only help people to the degree that they want to be helped and everything else is futile,

00:11:06.900 right?

00:11:07.400 So if you're going to go in there and beat your drums about why he should be doing this

00:11:11.880 and shouldn't be doing that, if he's not open and receptive to that, it's just going to fall

00:11:16.720 on deaf ears.

00:11:17.480 And in fact, actually probably that's not even the right way to say it because it actually

00:11:22.800 may create more rift and animosity in the relationship, especially between him and his wife, which

00:11:27.780 sounds like his, his, your sister.

00:11:29.840 That's what I'm assuming.

00:11:30.740 It's, it's his, his sister's brother-in-law.

00:11:34.840 Yeah.

00:11:35.320 Right.

00:11:36.300 Okay.

00:11:37.300 So, or I guess it could be his wife's brother, right?

00:11:41.160 We don't know, but regardless there there's, there's only the ability to help so long as

00:11:48.180 he's interested.

00:11:48.860 So rather than go in and get on your pulpit about what you think is right and what you

00:11:56.440 perceive as being wrong.

00:11:57.600 And I think even objectively, we would say cheating on your wife is wrong.

00:12:02.760 Objectively.

00:12:03.340 Most of us would say that that's true.

00:12:05.360 Even guys who are cheating currently on their spouses know that it's wrong because if it wasn't

00:12:10.600 wrong, then they would just proudly declare it that they've got two women, but they don't

00:12:14.600 declare it.

00:12:15.120 So they know it's wrong.

00:12:17.480 So rather than getting on your pulpit and explaining all that and talking down, maybe

00:12:25.080 the best approach is just to come with a level of, uh, some, some empathy and just to strive

00:12:34.040 to understand.

00:12:35.380 So Kip, if it was you and me in that relationship, I may come to you and say, Hey Kip, you know,

00:12:39.220 um, you know, you and you and I have had a good relationship over the past five or 10

00:12:44.180 years, whatever it's been.

00:12:45.040 And, uh, I, I've, I'm worried about some things about what's going on with you.

00:12:50.060 And I know you've had some, some issues with your wife and stuff like that.

00:12:54.080 I'm just worried about you, man.

00:12:55.360 Uh, can we go grab a beer or can we go to the game or, Hey, can you come over tonight?

00:13:00.660 Or can I come over to you?

00:13:03.380 And if he's open or receptive to that, good.

00:13:05.700 That's a step in the right direction.

00:13:06.860 That's it.

00:13:07.300 Right.

00:13:07.600 So you're moving in the right place.

00:13:09.600 Then Kip, you and I get together and the conversation might be as simple and I would do it over

00:13:13.680 something.

00:13:14.440 So it's not as threatening because otherwise he may feel like it's an ambush, right?

00:13:19.220 It's like, Hey, can you come over?

00:13:20.520 And you have like five people there and we're intervention.

00:13:23.500 You said it like, you don't want it to be an ambush.

00:13:26.080 But if you said, Hey, let's, let's just go grab a drink after, after work tonight.

00:13:29.580 And so we get there, it's, it's inquisitive.

00:13:34.160 It's like, Hey man, like, I know what's going on.

00:13:36.400 I like you're stepping out on Cindy and I know there might be some contention there.

00:13:42.820 And first, first and foremost, I want to tell you whatever we talk about tonight is between

00:13:46.320 you and me.

00:13:46.860 And by the way, when you say that, that actually has to be true.

00:13:49.700 Like you can't go back and report it to your wife or your sister.

00:13:52.840 You can't do that because, because you have to be a man of integrity.

00:13:56.780 So, Hey, I'm worried about you stepping out on Cindy and I'm worried about your, some of

00:14:02.500 the behaviors I've seen you engaged in, man.

00:14:04.140 You just don't seem like the same guy.

00:14:05.400 Like what's going on, dude.

00:14:08.180 And then allowing you the space to talk.

00:14:10.780 And I'm going to get a very clear picture as to whether or not you are interested in fixing

00:14:15.920 the situation or you're not.

00:14:17.500 And I just have to be okay with whatever you're at right now.

00:14:20.360 Like, if you're not interested in it, I just have to be supportive and understanding.

00:14:25.060 I had a guy email me the other day or shoot me a message on Instagram.

00:14:29.020 And he said, um, he sent me a message and he said, his son came back home last night

00:14:35.360 and they haven't talked in over a year.

00:14:36.900 It sounds like, uh, and his son was drunk and he was disappointed in that, but he was

00:14:41.440 glad that his son came home at least.

00:14:43.080 And, and they had a conversation and some words, some, some good words, some powerful

00:14:46.840 discussions that needed to be had.

00:14:48.660 And, and, and part of the reason I think that worked is because at some point you have to

00:14:55.400 let go a little bit and realize that everybody else is going to make their own decisions and

00:15:00.880 you're not their savior and you're not their dictator.

00:15:04.700 Yeah.

00:15:05.360 You can't force them to do something.

00:15:07.540 All that you can be is influential and hope to lead them down a better path.

00:15:11.900 It's going to serve them and other people better.

00:15:13.960 And just listening with, with, with as minimal judgment as possible.

00:15:18.860 And just listen and say, man, I'm really sorry.

00:15:20.840 You're struggling with that.

00:15:21.680 What can I do to help?

00:15:23.000 And not coming in there from this position of authority, perceived authority, where you're

00:15:28.200 trying to like manipulate, maneuver and fix, and just say, Hey, I'm here with you.

00:15:31.820 Like something I can help you with something we can do together and just get a bearing of where

00:15:35.960 he's at.

00:15:37.080 If you do that enough and he genuinely sees that care, it may not ever be rectified to

00:15:42.740 the degree that you want it to be.

00:15:44.440 But I think that's a better way of handling it than saying, you should do this.

00:15:48.680 You should do that.

00:15:49.700 You're not doing this wrong or right.

00:15:51.200 You're doing this wrong.

00:15:52.920 It's just, that's not going to work.

00:15:54.680 I know with a hundred percent certainty.

00:15:56.060 That's in fact, that's going to exacerbate the problem.

00:15:58.280 So just be open, care, that that crosses my mind is, I mean, obviously you have to have

00:16:06.920 established a relationship, right?

00:16:08.300 To be in a position to provide some guidance and direction to someone, but, but actually

00:16:12.620 hold on Kip.

00:16:13.280 One thing right there.

00:16:14.140 Let me interject just real quick.

00:16:15.580 You don't have to be in some relationship in order to ask questions.

00:16:22.240 Correct.

00:16:23.140 Right.

00:16:23.520 Like I, like I, for example, if we're, we're an employee employer relationship and we don't

00:16:28.940 really know each other, like, I think I could still say, Hey Kip, you know, like I've noticed

00:16:33.640 a change in you, everything.

00:16:35.240 Okay.

00:16:35.400 At home.

00:16:36.340 Yeah.

00:16:36.880 But that's, and you asked me that and being genuine is a form of strengthening our relationship.

00:16:43.100 Definitely.

00:16:44.040 Definitely continue.

00:16:45.520 Sure.

00:16:46.100 Well, the, the thing that crossed my mind is, and I want to be really clear.

00:16:49.860 I don't think you had to tackle this from a space of manipulating them because it's going

00:16:55.080 to be obvious that, that all you're trying to do is manipulate them.

00:16:59.920 But, but I, what I think is powerful is if I know that a friend of mine is struggling with

00:17:06.400 a relationship, let's say with his wife, it's actually a great time for me to pause and have

00:17:12.420 a breakthrough in my relationship with my wife and actually look at where I'm coming

00:17:18.240 up short and then when we meet and he says, Hey, how's things going?

00:17:22.680 Dude, things are going good.

00:17:23.760 You know, man, major breakthrough in my relationship.

00:17:26.440 Oh, what was it?

00:17:27.860 Man, I realized I was coming up short this way.

00:17:30.060 I was out of integrity in our relationship and it really is like helped us.

00:17:34.100 And you share like, honestly, from a place of integrity and, and really just like expressing

00:17:41.880 yourself and what you learned and what you got out of that circumstance, the power of

00:17:47.960 that is allows him to evaluate that for himself without you saying what you should do.

00:17:52.900 And, and that's the power of testimony if done correctly versus preaching is it's just

00:17:59.520 sharing.

00:18:00.260 It's non-threatening.

00:18:01.400 Hey, this is what I learned.

00:18:02.460 This is what I'm getting out of this.

00:18:03.840 And I'm just sharing this breakthrough that I had in my relationship.

00:18:07.520 And, and then he decides if he wants to evaluate that for himself or whatever.

00:18:12.740 And it might even present an opportunity for him to like, go, geez, man, like I never even

00:18:17.880 considered that.

00:18:18.800 And then he'll naturally maybe evaluate how he's showing up in his relationship.

00:18:23.660 But, but I have to be really clear.

00:18:25.480 You're not going to do that from an, by manipulating him because it's not going to be true and you're

00:18:31.220 going to come across wrong.

00:18:32.320 So just use it as an opportunity to look where you're coming up short and share that breakthrough

00:18:36.880 with other people and whether they latch onto it or not, you know, it's up to them.

00:18:42.120 It's a great point.

00:18:43.140 You know, one of the things I've done with even my wife is, you know, how men want to

00:18:46.760 solve the problems.

00:18:47.480 So our wives come to us and they say, you know, this thing is going on and this thing

00:18:51.300 is happening.

00:18:51.780 And I have this experience and we're like, well, you need to do this, this, and this, and

00:18:54.520 this.

00:18:55.240 It's so clear in our minds, right?

00:18:56.720 We're probably wrong, but it's so clear even in our stubbornness.

00:19:00.520 Uh, one thing that I've been a little bit more intentional about is just using this

00:19:06.940 phrase, but phrase it, whatever's going to be the most genuine and authentic for you

00:19:10.500 is man, that, that must be really hard.

00:19:13.080 What are you going to do about it?

00:19:16.340 So my wife would come to me with a problem.

00:19:17.940 I say, man, I, yeah, that's, I could see how you'd struggle with that.

00:19:21.700 What do you, what do you think you're going to do?

00:19:22.980 That phrase right there is so powerful.

00:19:28.900 It's nonjudgmental.

00:19:30.940 It's action oriented.

00:19:33.280 It's putting the responsibility where it lies.

00:19:36.100 It's not attempting to solve anybody else's problems.

00:19:40.500 It's not belittling.

00:19:42.040 It's not talking down to it's such a powerful phrase.

00:19:46.060 Yeah.

00:19:46.360 I really, gosh, that is a, that's a pickle you're in.

00:19:48.760 That's a rough spot.

00:19:49.500 What do you think you're going to do about it?

00:19:50.680 And being genuinely concerned with it.

00:19:53.220 Right.

00:19:53.860 Yeah.

00:19:54.240 And what I love about that, Ryan is it's, it's falling your thoughts to a conclusion,

00:19:59.100 which I feel like so often we don't do.

00:20:02.500 Right.

00:20:02.920 It's like, oh, this is wrong.

00:20:04.520 Or I don't like this scenario.

00:20:06.960 We're all, trust me, we all have a great list of complaints.

00:20:11.160 And, and I, I say this with my wife about our, our teenage kids all the time.

00:20:15.180 It's like, well, what's the conclusion?

00:20:17.040 Like you need to finish the thought.

00:20:18.980 Like, okay, this is how I feel.

00:20:21.820 So then what, you know, and, but yet we never do, we never conclude the thought.

00:20:27.580 And so we just drudge along with, with no action being associated to how we're feeling.

00:20:33.340 Well, and then what we do as men, and I would say leaders is we get frustrated because our

00:20:37.620 people I've used that term.

00:20:39.440 And I want to be clear, like with our people, what it means is your family members, your

00:20:44.020 colleagues, your coworkers, your employees, your, your church congregation, the people

00:20:48.680 you have a responsibility for.

00:20:50.620 And we get so frustrated that they won't follow through.

00:20:53.500 So we start directing, well, you're not finishing it.

00:20:56.940 Like you got to do this and this, and then it backfires, create some space for them to

00:21:02.320 follow through on their own, like guide them towards the path I need to be on.

00:21:07.140 And the one last thing I'll say about this Kip, and I hit on it a minute ago, but it's really

00:21:11.440 important that we talk about this is you, we need to be better at compartmentalizing

00:21:17.640 conversations.

00:21:18.760 And I go back to the thing that if you and your brother-in-law in this case, have this

00:21:24.640 conversation, that's a conversation between you and your brother-in-law.

00:21:29.040 If your sister-in-law was invited to the conversation, she would have been invited.

00:21:33.180 If your wife or your sister, whatever, whoever it is, was invited to the conversation or was

00:21:37.980 supposed to be part of that conversation.

00:21:39.640 She would have been invited to the thing that you guys are doing, but she wasn't, which

00:21:44.460 means she's not invited to the conversation.

00:21:47.040 I've got a friend in my own personal life who has shared some things with me over five

00:21:51.920 years or so now, personal things, business-related things.

00:21:56.740 And it's interesting because he quite often prefaces with, hey, this is just between me and

00:22:02.780 you.

00:22:03.960 And I said, look, we've had conversations like this for five years.

00:22:07.860 Has there been a time in our history where I've ever shared any of the personal information

00:22:14.480 that you've ever shared with me?

00:22:16.600 Of course, the answer is no.

00:22:18.460 The reason he feels like he has to do that is because that's a rarity.

00:22:23.040 There's probably other relationships that he's had in his life where he shared something

00:22:27.240 personal that wasn't supposed to leave the walls of the room that we were in and somebody

00:22:33.000 else caught wind.

00:22:34.400 My default is not that this is open for everybody.

00:22:37.320 My default is this is only between you and me unless otherwise instructed.

00:22:41.720 Not it's open for everybody unless otherwise instructed.

00:22:45.000 The default is this is between me and you unless there is some sort of express or implied idea.

00:22:53.740 For example, like you and me on these AMA podcasts have never said, hey, we can talk about

00:22:58.240 anything and it's going to go out to the world because it's implied, right?

00:23:01.060 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:02.780 But if you would, but yeah, well, wait, these are recorded and what?

00:23:07.420 And hundreds of thousands of people are listening to this.

00:23:10.520 Yeah.

00:23:12.200 But if you and I are having a conversation, the default is it's a conversation between me

00:23:17.140 and you, no one else.

00:23:19.980 Unless you tell me otherwise or I tell you otherwise.

00:23:23.040 And in that case, yeah, sure.

00:23:24.060 But let's just make sure we hit home on that.

00:23:26.600 It's and I know it's tempting to be like, oh, yeah, I talked to Billy about this, hon.

00:23:30.380 And here's what he's thinking.

00:23:32.620 She's going to rush right to her sister.

00:23:35.560 And that's your fault.

00:23:36.840 And that's going to create a bigger problem.

00:23:38.680 So just keep your mouth shut and honor the relationship you have with your brother-in-law

00:23:43.880 and the conversation that you guys may have had.

00:23:46.360 And when your wife asks you, it's as simple as this.

00:23:49.900 Hon, look, I know you want to hear about this.

00:23:52.160 I get it, but Billy and I talked and I committed to him that I would keep that between me and

00:24:00.580 him.

00:24:01.560 And I've got to honor that.

00:24:05.560 That's a more respectable position than flapping your gums.

00:24:08.360 Even your wife, that you're undermining your own authority with your wife.

00:24:12.840 What a horrible thing to do.

00:24:15.060 Yeah, for sure.

00:24:15.700 I said authority.

00:24:16.400 I would say undermining your own credibility is probably the better word.

00:24:18.960 One thing you said earlier that I think it's important to touch on is why it's not effective

00:24:28.040 for us to jump in for our quote unquote people and tell them what to do and the importance

00:24:35.680 of them being self-directed or for them to come to their conclusion of what that conclusion

00:24:41.000 is, right?

00:24:41.500 What that action is.

00:24:42.660 Do you want to talk about that briefly?

00:24:43.700 Because I just think that's so, so critical, whether it's employees or your kids, that

00:24:50.220 there's self-direction, that the decision of what needs to get done is part of their

00:24:56.440 creation and why that's important.

00:25:02.200 Well, I mean, really the only reason I think you would do that, meaning that you're going

00:25:06.060 to explain to them everything they should do is a very ego, narcissistic way of looking

00:25:11.780 at things.

00:25:12.260 First, it suggests that you actually have it figured out and you don't, you really don't

00:25:16.600 because you're dealing with your own stuff, maybe even similar issues, but also it creates

00:25:20.860 a sense of dependency, right?

00:25:23.580 That now, but, but that's ego driven.

00:25:25.160 Like I want people to be dependent on me because I want to be the central figurehead of my family

00:25:29.720 or my, my employment or my organization, even, and, and maybe even just a little selfish,

00:25:35.380 like, cause I do think like a parent could, they want the best for their kid and it's

00:25:40.860 genuine and true.

00:25:42.340 However, what they're failing to realize is eventually Tommy moves out.

00:25:47.040 And if he's been relying on you to what to tell him what to do all the time, he's going

00:25:51.020 to fail.

00:25:51.800 Right.

00:25:52.280 So, so I do think that there's this good point, this false sense of like guidance of this

00:25:57.000 is what's best for him by telling him what to do when in reality it's, it's not.

00:26:02.180 Well, and it's also harder to help guide people through the process versus just saying, just

00:26:09.820 do one, two, three, you're done.

00:26:10.860 You're good.

00:26:12.000 Yeah.

00:26:12.420 It's, it's definitely harder to, there's a great book.

00:26:15.260 It's on my bookshelf here somewhere called co-active coaching.

00:26:18.180 And I've used it a lot in my coaching and consulting practice, my financial planning practice,

00:26:23.140 order a man stuff, even parenting and leading a family with my wife.

00:26:27.000 My wife, but co-active coaching is, is a great book, but yeah, it just creates the sense

00:26:32.040 of dependence and you said it perfectly, you know, a little Tommy or whatever is going

00:26:35.580 to move out or you're going to die.

00:26:37.300 I might die this afternoon.

00:26:38.380 Like I have no idea what's going to happen this afternoon.

00:26:40.820 And if everybody I've ever interacted with is just got relying on me, like you and Sean

00:26:45.900 did the podcast the other day.

00:26:47.300 You know, we have some pretty clear expectations about what needs to be done, but I didn't micromanage

00:26:52.200 that.

00:26:52.480 Like you guys can figure it out.

00:26:53.740 In fact, you shot me a message and said, Hey Ryan, should we do this or this or this?

00:26:56.720 I'm like, I think this would be a good idea, but I'll leave it in your capable hands.

00:26:59.660 And I fully trust you.

00:27:00.700 Like I, I didn't think that conversation would go South, you know, and it didn't because

00:27:04.760 I trust you guys.

00:27:06.200 And, and if it did go South, then you and I would have got on the phone and we would

00:27:10.060 have had a conversation and I would have said, Hey, let's correct this and this and this,

00:27:13.060 but we're good.

00:27:13.620 Let's go.

00:27:14.180 So, yeah, but I want people to be independent and that's a non ego driven perspective that

00:27:21.380 I want Kip, you to be better than me.

00:27:23.460 I want my kids to be better than me.

00:27:25.000 I want people to excel past what I would create.

00:27:28.440 My oldest son is very involved in sports.

00:27:31.120 He's in football right now, but he's, he's involved in competitive lifting.

00:27:35.280 And I, I hear from him quite often how incredible his coaches, his lifting coach, like, Oh, he's

00:27:44.920 this and he's that he's incredible at times.

00:27:46.700 I'm like, Oh my gosh, I don't want to hear about how incredible this guy is anymore because

00:27:51.080 it's like threatening.

00:27:51.780 Right.

00:27:52.080 It's like, well, what about me?

00:27:53.240 You know, again, ego centric versus non-ego centric.

00:27:59.080 And this is the point that I get to is no, I'm glad, I'm glad he has another male role

00:28:04.960 model.

00:28:05.760 I'm glad there's somebody else in his life outside of me that he trusts and that is a

00:28:11.700 hard worker and our values are aligned and he's helping him.

00:28:15.260 This guy, he, he just, his name is Sean Moore.

00:28:18.140 He just did, uh, he just did his own meat 1600 pounds or somewhere right in there between

00:28:23.700 the bench and the deadlift and the squat is what he put up.

00:28:26.680 The guy works like a maniac.

00:28:28.980 He's also his assistant football coach.

00:28:31.540 Like, I think really highly of Sean.

00:28:33.780 I'm not going to undermine Sean, even though sometimes when I have to hear from Breck and

00:28:37.480 say, Oh, well, Sean, this and this and this, I can't do some of that stuff.

00:28:42.140 Yeah.

00:28:42.920 But also I'm like, Oh no, that's good.

00:28:44.660 That's actually healthy.

00:28:46.540 And that's something I have to wrestle with at times.

00:28:49.280 Like it's actually healthy that he has somebody else who can help outside of me.

00:28:56.540 But that, that takes us dropping our arrogance and our pride and our ego and really consider

00:29:02.380 what's in the best interest of our children or our wife or our employees or our friends.

00:29:07.400 Yeah.

00:29:08.060 And one last thought, because I think it's so valuable is from a business perspective,

00:29:12.720 you know, I think we can tie this in the importance of having the employee, um, committed

00:29:20.680 to the desired outcome and not to the action.

00:29:24.740 Right.

00:29:25.220 So, so if I'm working with the employee and we say, okay, on this particular project, the

00:29:29.740 desired outcome is to accomplish these goals.

00:29:34.620 And we don't focus on the how per se, but the desired outcome and they're committed to it and

00:29:40.600 they're self-directed, then they find a way, right?

00:29:43.440 Like, and when roadblocks show up, they go, Oh, I know what the desired outcome is.

00:29:47.740 And I, and I know where I need to go.

00:29:50.020 Right.

00:29:50.260 I know what the, what the destination is, but when we micromanage, we go, Oh, well, you

00:29:55.340 take a right here, you take a left here, but they have no idea where they're going.

00:29:59.360 And when roadblocks come up, it almost forces us to constantly have to micromanage because

00:30:04.700 we've never brought them in to be dedicated or to can be committed to the actual desired

00:30:10.900 outcome or the destination of that.

00:30:13.060 They want that we want them to accomplish.

00:30:15.540 Yeah.

00:30:16.140 Good point there.

00:30:17.120 Well, there's another thing here too.

00:30:18.400 We could riff on this all day.

00:30:19.460 Just off this one question is when, what, let's take an employee relationship when your

00:30:25.100 employee, when, when you give them the commander's intent, right?

00:30:28.860 That's what we're talking about here.

00:30:30.440 Here's my intent.

00:30:31.800 Make it happen.

00:30:32.880 I trust you.

00:30:33.960 I hired you.

00:30:34.800 I brought you on because you have a talent.

00:30:36.520 I'm going to bring this person in because they have this talent.

00:30:38.780 Here's my intent.

00:30:40.020 Go make it happen.

00:30:41.380 Now you're empowering your people.

00:30:43.160 But what I've seen a lot of people do, what I've done in the past is, uh, so your employee,

00:30:47.720 let's say Kip, I task you and somebody else with a project.

00:30:50.300 You come to me and I look at it.

00:30:51.360 I'm like, this thing is going to fail miserably.

00:30:53.440 I shouldn't probably say that directly unless there's going to be severe ramifications of

00:31:01.100 what you're doing.

00:31:01.620 Like if you're going to put somebody else or the business in danger, I'm probably going

00:31:05.440 to course correct that very, very quickly.

00:31:07.100 Yeah.

00:31:07.700 But if it's not going to be in danger, it's just going to be a little bumpy maybe because

00:31:12.380 of the decisions you and the teammate try to make.

00:31:14.420 I might try to guide you like, Hey, Kip, you know, you're doing this thing.

00:31:19.020 Uh, what, what are the positives of doing that?

00:31:22.200 You give me a list.

00:31:23.320 What are the potential downsides?

00:31:25.420 I might help you explore some other potential downsides that you don't see because you don't

00:31:29.240 have the experience yet in this particular thing.

00:31:31.620 And then ultimately I'm going to give you just enough rope to like hang yourself with

00:31:35.360 not where it's going to be, not where it's going to kill you or be a detriment to anybody,

00:31:38.900 but just enough to feel the pain of it.

00:31:40.960 And so then we come back and, and, and I might say, man, look, Kip, I'm, I'm a little

00:31:45.380 nervous about this because we've never done it this way.

00:31:47.380 And other times we've done it this way and it hasn't worked, but like, why don't we try

00:31:50.400 it as long as this, here's my, here's my conditions.

00:31:55.240 We're going to try it.

00:31:56.740 And in 30 days, we're going to come back and we're going to revisit, but we're both

00:32:00.100 going to be very honest with each other.

00:32:02.080 If it failed miserably, you're going to be honest about it.

00:32:04.680 If it succeeds wildly, then I'm going to be very honest about it and tell you that has,

00:32:08.740 can we commit to that at least?

00:32:10.760 Yes.

00:32:11.080 Okay, good.

00:32:12.040 It's, it's empowerment.

00:32:13.940 It's like, it's basically what you're saying.

00:32:16.060 You're complimenting somebody.

00:32:16.980 You're saying, I trust you.

00:32:18.920 I'm skeptical about this working, but I trust you.

00:32:23.420 And I know that whatever ownership, that's what it is.

00:32:26.940 No, not even that, not even that.

00:32:29.540 Because still as an, as an employer, the ownership is with me.

00:32:33.520 It's, it's a transfer of, it's a transfer of trust.

00:32:36.540 It's a transfer of goodwill.

00:32:38.500 It means I care about you.

00:32:40.100 I trust you.

00:32:40.840 I respect you, but, but you, but we can't let go of the ownership that I think there's

00:32:46.340 a distinction there.

00:32:47.220 Fair enough.

00:32:47.660 Yeah.

00:32:47.860 That's a good point.

00:32:48.680 And what's, what's interesting about this too, Ryan is I think most of the time in the

00:32:53.500 example that you gave, it's not right and wrong.

00:32:56.220 It's just our opinion, right?

00:32:58.160 It's like, well, I like, I think it should be this way and, and our way and their way is

00:33:04.320 equally probably effective, but we're opinionated about how it should be done, you know, and

00:33:10.880 it's probably soft and unmeasurable, whether it was like right or wrong.

00:33:14.180 And it's, and it's part of just like letting it go a little bit and letting people be creative.

00:33:18.940 At least that's how, what's been true for me is it's like, I don't know, I get locked

00:33:23.580 into how I think it should be done, whether it's right or wrong is a whole different story.

00:33:28.080 So, well, there's also strategy, which is, this is the path I want to go down and there's

00:33:32.440 tactics, the way to implement that strategy.

00:33:35.000 And so you might come to me and say, well, here's my strategy and here's a few tactics

00:33:39.600 I have for completing it.

00:33:40.800 And I might help you shore up those tactics, or you might help me see something I've never

00:33:45.360 seen before.

00:33:45.880 Cause you have an experience I don't have.

00:33:47.780 But that requires us to both be open and honest with each other about it, regardless

00:33:52.040 of the hierarchies of responsibility or power or authority.

00:33:55.520 And that's a benefit of you and I being on the same page of the desired outcome, because

00:34:00.560 it's not about how it's done.

00:34:02.260 It's about our commitment to actually doing it right.

00:34:05.000 And it allows us to kind of keep those egos in check a little bit more, right.

00:34:08.800 And admit when something works or doesn't work.

00:34:10.860 So, yeah.

00:34:11.460 Should we just keep one on this one question for the rest of the time?

00:34:13.880 I was going to say, well, I don't even think we're on that question anymore.

00:34:16.240 I think we're so far off on the question, which was helping a brother-in-law with some issues

00:34:23.340 that he's having and a path that he's not going down.

00:34:25.520 We're so far off at this point.

00:34:27.520 So hopefully we gave you some things to consider and then some.

00:34:30.560 Worst case.

00:34:31.120 Yeah.

00:34:31.440 Worst case, David, you can be more effective with your employees at work if the whole thing

00:34:35.840 doesn't work out with a brother-in-law.

00:34:36.620 Exactly.

00:34:37.520 Exactly.

00:34:38.080 It's very closely connected.

00:34:40.740 All right.

00:34:41.120 Jeffrey Outlaw, share some tips, tricks, and strategies for networking with high performers.

00:34:47.120 Concrete tips.

00:34:47.860 Pretend it is a day one with zero contacts.

00:34:52.440 Okay.

00:34:52.920 So adding value to a scenario is sometimes difficult because you may not have a particular

00:35:02.580 expertise or skillset.

00:35:06.140 And so adding value might seem out of the realm of possibility.

00:35:10.560 There's a very easy way to add value to people's lives where you actually aren't the one that

00:35:17.560 has the expertise and experience.

00:35:19.520 All that you have is the connection.

00:35:21.520 So you can get very, very good at adding value to people's lives.

00:35:27.500 And in turn, building out your professional network by knowing people and by being able

00:35:34.440 to look for problems and figure out the solutions and figuring out the solutions.

00:35:40.380 Listen to this, guys.

00:35:41.440 This is very, very important.

00:35:42.540 And I'm going to share with you a personal story that happened 10 minutes.

00:35:44.800 I was going to say, do you have an example?

00:35:46.300 Yes, 10 minutes from before we started recording.

00:35:51.540 Sometimes it's just making an introduction.

00:35:56.280 So you listen for a problem because solving a problem doesn't mean you need to solve the

00:36:02.140 problem.

00:36:02.900 It means this goes back to what you were saying earlier.

00:36:05.360 It just means you need to provide a solution to the problem.

00:36:08.520 Sometimes you might have the answer and sometimes you might have a connection to the answer.

00:36:12.540 So you should be listening for problems and also listening to other people for solutions.

00:36:21.420 Because at some point, I guarantee it's going to happen where somebody in your network is

00:36:26.200 either going to come to you or just say something in passing and they're going to articulate a

00:36:31.780 problem they have.

00:36:33.040 And then you're going to go through your mental Rolodex and you're going to say, okay, who do

00:36:36.460 I know?

00:36:36.780 Who do I know?

00:36:37.400 Oh, I know this guy.

00:36:39.360 All right.

00:36:39.900 Let me reach out to this guy and connect him with this person who has the problem.

00:36:44.520 Let me reach out to the solution, connect him with the person with the problem, and then

00:36:48.140 I'm done.

00:36:48.540 And I'm going to, I'm going to share with you a personal example of how this works.

00:36:51.500 And then I'll share with you some tactical missteps and how to fix and correct those

00:36:58.560 problems.

00:36:59.220 Okay.

00:37:00.380 So I'm not going to explain names or anything like that because just out of the sake of privacy,

00:37:05.060 but I had a friend of mine who reached out to me and they just secured a new business and they're

00:37:13.900 trying to grow their new business.

00:37:16.420 And I know that this individual is trying to grow their business in this capacity.

00:37:22.320 And I have a couple of people who I think would be great clients for this individual.

00:37:27.200 So I reached out to this individual, I'm trying not to be vague, but like I have to be vague.

00:37:33.140 Okay.

00:37:33.660 Yeah.

00:37:34.440 So I reached out to this individual with the problem.

00:37:36.820 He's trying to grow this new business that he just secured.

00:37:39.040 And I said, Hey, I have a couple of people that I need to introduce you to, because I

00:37:42.280 think that you guys would form a good partnership.

00:37:46.540 And he said, that would be great.

00:37:48.280 So I reached out to four individuals and all four of them said, yes, I would like an introduction.

00:37:52.940 So I made an introduction via text, sent them both an introduction.

00:37:57.060 And at the end of the text, I always say, Hey guys, I'm going to bow out from here.

00:38:00.920 I'm going to let you guys do what you need to do.

00:38:03.280 Hopefully something works out.

00:38:04.240 If not, at least there's a good connection.

00:38:05.620 And I'm honored to be able to make an introduction for people.

00:38:07.880 I'd really admire respect best wishes.

00:38:11.260 That's the value.

00:38:13.100 I didn't have to do anything except for send a text.

00:38:17.100 If it works out, I win twice.

00:38:20.220 I win with the person who has the problem.

00:38:23.940 I win with a person who has the solution and I'm the hero.

00:38:28.500 And I didn't have to do anything.

00:38:30.000 All I had to do was send a text.

00:38:32.740 This is a great way to add value when you don't have specific expertise about a project,

00:38:39.180 but it requires a lot of front end work because you actually have to care about people.

00:38:43.620 You have to, you have to listen for people's problems and you have to file them.

00:38:47.740 And then you have to listen for what solutions other people provide and you have to file them.

00:38:52.620 And then you have to figure out a way to connect the two.

00:38:55.760 So I'm just pulling up my phone.

00:38:58.480 Cause I just, I just did this.

00:38:59.920 Now there's, there's a very strategic way to do this.

00:39:04.520 The way that you, let me tell you the way you don't do it.

00:39:08.100 You don't make assumptions and think that just because that person has a problem,

00:39:11.740 that person you think has a perceived solution that automatically connect them.

00:39:15.320 And no, don't do that.

00:39:17.340 I have people do that literally every day, literally.

00:39:22.440 Hey Ryan, um, you know, I think this guy would be a great guest for your podcast.

00:39:26.080 And I included him in this email, bro.

00:39:30.900 You just created a bunch of work for me.

00:39:34.200 Like you, not only did you not add value in that interaction,

00:39:38.520 you detracted from it because you put more on my plate.

00:39:43.700 Now I have to send another email to this individual,

00:39:46.480 especially if I'm not interested saying I'm not interested.

00:39:49.320 And then you paint me out as the dick.

00:39:52.300 Thank you for doing that.

00:39:53.960 I really appreciate all the value you added to my life.

00:39:57.020 And some people would say, well, I'm just trying to help.

00:39:59.620 Don't.

00:40:01.260 Don't.

00:40:01.740 If that's your value, if that's your idea of help,

00:40:03.780 don't do that because it's not, it doesn't work.

00:40:07.340 It's not good.

00:40:08.340 So here's the very strategic tactical way of doing it.

00:40:14.020 Let's say Kip, you need an introduction to Bob.

00:40:16.780 And I feel like this would be a good relationship,

00:40:19.060 but I don't know.

00:40:20.000 I'm not going to make assumptions because you have some software available

00:40:23.780 that would really help Bob with a problem.

00:40:26.660 Here's what you do.

00:40:28.600 Hey Kip, I know you have problem,

00:40:30.780 or I know you have a solution for X, Y, and Z.

00:40:32.960 And I have somebody I think who would be really interested in your services.

00:40:37.760 Are you taking on new clients and are you interested?

00:40:42.700 And you will say yes or no.

00:40:44.200 If you say no, say, Hey, no problem.

00:40:45.620 If you ever need something, let me know.

00:40:46.960 I have a couple of people.

00:40:47.600 I think I can introduce you to.

00:40:48.720 If you say, yes, I say, great.

00:40:50.260 I have Bob over here who is an expert at this and this and this,

00:40:53.440 and he really needs what you have to offer.

00:40:55.640 Can I make a connection?

00:40:58.400 And you say, yes, good.

00:41:00.000 What's the best way to do it?

00:41:01.560 Text, email, phone call.

00:41:03.960 How do you want me to set it up for you?

00:41:05.220 And you say, why don't you just send it to us a text?

00:41:07.240 Great.

00:41:07.620 Got it.

00:41:08.440 I'm going to reach out to Bob, make sure he's good with that.

00:41:10.580 We're good to go.

00:41:11.720 Now I hang up the phone with you.

00:41:14.320 I get on the phone with Bob.

00:41:15.720 Hey, Bob, I know you've been having a problem with your user database.

00:41:21.120 And I've got a friend.

00:41:22.580 His name is Kip Sorensen.

00:41:23.640 He's been specializing in this stuff for 20 years.

00:41:26.080 He's got some software that he's been telling me about.

00:41:28.340 And I don't know all the ins and outs, but I know that people really appreciate Kip.

00:41:33.700 I know him personally.

00:41:34.440 He's a good friend of mine.

00:41:35.220 So he's a trustworthy guy.

00:41:36.420 And it seems like he's doing good things.

00:41:38.240 You interested in the solution?

00:41:41.000 Bob's going to say, actually, yes, I need a solution to that.

00:41:44.100 Good.

00:41:44.420 I'm going to make the connection.

00:41:45.320 Or you might say, hey, you know what?

00:41:47.080 No, I'm not really interested.

00:41:48.200 I actually just hired another firm and I feel pretty good with where we're at.

00:41:51.460 Hey, no problem.

00:41:52.320 If you ever need another solution, let me know because I got a guy.

00:41:54.820 Then I get back on the phone with you and say, hey, Kip, you know what?

00:41:57.320 I talked to Bob.

00:41:58.640 Man, he just hired somebody last week.

00:42:00.460 But if things change, I'll let you know.

00:42:03.160 No harm, no foul.

00:42:04.960 Hey, at a minimum, you think, hey, Ryan went to bat for you.

00:42:08.960 That garners some trust and some value.

00:42:11.780 Now, if Bob says, yeah, I need somebody, I'm glad you brought it up.

00:42:16.000 Good.

00:42:16.460 Kip said text is the best way for introduction.

00:42:19.060 Does a text thread work for you?

00:42:20.820 Yeah, it works great.

00:42:22.580 Now that you have permission from both parties, then and only then do you make the connection.

00:42:29.520 So I make the connection.

00:42:31.160 I take a very, I don't need a novel.

00:42:32.960 Just, hey, Kip, this is Bob.

00:42:35.440 I talked to you about him.

00:42:36.460 Bob is a hyper, hyper successful entrepreneur.

00:42:38.980 He's been in the business for 20 years and he's had this need come up and I thought you'd be good.

00:42:43.480 Bob, this is Kip.

00:42:44.340 Kip's a personal friend of mine.

00:42:45.740 He's also been in his industry for 20 years and he's doing some amazing, amazing things.

00:42:50.520 I really don't know all the intricacies, but I have faith that he can help guide you towards

00:42:54.880 the right solution.

00:42:56.280 So I sell you both on each other.

00:42:57.820 And then the last thing I say is I'm going to bow out from here, but I'm really glad that

00:43:02.700 I could connect to people.

00:43:03.980 I'd really admire and respect best wishes guys.

00:43:07.420 Then there's another little step here.

00:43:09.600 There's another little step.

00:43:11.280 I personally, cause this is an introduction I made.

00:43:14.200 So I'm giving you a little bit of my trust with Bob Kip.

00:43:17.340 Yeah.

00:43:18.140 Right.

00:43:18.420 Like, like you're, you're borrowing my trust in credibility, reputation.

00:43:23.100 Yeah, it is.

00:43:24.080 So like if your reputation was on the line, do you just let it ride?

00:43:27.140 Of course you don't let it ride.

00:43:28.540 You ensure that it stays where it should.

00:43:31.360 So then a week later or two or three days or whatever's appropriate, I reach back out

00:43:35.500 to Bob.

00:43:36.220 Hey, Bob, I introduced you to Kip a couple of days ago.

00:43:39.520 Like, how did it go, man?

00:43:40.820 Like, did you guys get a chance to talk or are you guys going to work together?

00:43:44.100 And I just follow up and then I reach out to you Kip.

00:43:47.440 And I say, Hey Kip, I know I introduced you to Bob.

00:43:49.240 And I don't know if you guys had a chance to talk or if you're going to be working together,

00:43:51.940 but regardless, it's fine.

00:43:53.780 I just want to know where things are.

00:43:55.820 And I, and I make the connections again, this very strategic way of doing it, but it's

00:44:00.880 important.

00:44:01.440 I've been doing this for 20 years.

00:44:04.960 It's important.

00:44:05.960 You do it this way.

00:44:07.020 Don't do it any other way, guys.

00:44:08.980 This is the way that you do it.

00:44:10.620 Okay.

00:44:10.880 Please do it this way.

00:44:12.020 And if you don't, you're on your own.

00:44:13.960 I don't have your back, but if you do it this way, I won't need your back because you'll

00:44:19.280 be able to handle it just correctly the way you need to.

00:44:22.020 And it helps you also, right.

00:44:23.720 To know that I did a good job for Bob because you don't want to go contact Fred and say,

00:44:29.800 Oh, I got this guy Kip.

00:44:31.220 And maybe I dropped the ball with Bob.

00:44:34.060 Right.

00:44:34.420 And you, you should probably know that, that whether I, you know, fulfilled on my word

00:44:39.720 of that bargain or not.

00:44:40.780 And if I didn't, you should probably stop referring me to people.

00:44:43.900 So it's also valuable for you to understand like how it went.

00:44:48.300 Yeah.

00:44:48.460 Great point.

00:44:49.340 Yep.

00:44:49.560 Really good point.

00:44:50.680 Cool.

00:44:51.280 All right.

00:44:51.440 Travis Smith.

00:44:52.880 What's or what's Travis Smith.

00:44:55.540 Who's next?

00:44:56.160 He says you hit Shapiro, McConaughey, Crenshaw feels like those are some huge names.

00:45:03.760 Yeah.

00:45:04.320 I mean, those are popular guys.

00:45:05.580 Of course.

00:45:06.240 Uh, Ben Shapiro, Matthew McConaughey, um, Dan Crenshaw, who else?

00:45:12.960 Jason Wilson, Jesse Itzler, Michael Chandler.

00:45:16.520 Like these are all guys.

00:45:18.140 I feel bad naming names.

00:45:19.520 Cause I'm going to forget people, you know, but these are all guys I've had on the podcast

00:45:22.460 over the past, uh, I would say four, four to eight weeks and maybe even longer at this

00:45:27.660 point.

00:45:28.620 So I don't know.

00:45:29.520 You tell me like, who do you guys want to hear from?

00:45:31.640 And don't say regular guys.

00:45:34.040 Yeah.

00:45:34.720 Cause we tried that before.

00:45:36.000 It doesn't work.

00:45:37.060 Well, no, not even that because all of the guys I just listed are regular guys.

00:45:42.360 No, I love that.

00:45:43.420 Yeah.

00:45:43.640 Good distinction.

00:45:45.020 Like Michael Chandler is not a superhero.

00:45:48.400 Yeah.

00:45:48.760 I love Shapiro doesn't have access to information that you haven't heard before.

00:45:53.860 Yeah.

00:45:54.600 It's not just not the case.

00:45:56.640 We, we put these guys on pedestals.

00:45:58.460 They don't belong.

00:45:59.000 And I say that with all due respect to the guests that I've had on, but I'm not going

00:46:02.140 to put Goggins on a pedestal.

00:46:03.340 He doesn't belong.

00:46:04.480 I think highly of them.

00:46:05.860 I think he's got some stuff figured out.

00:46:07.340 I questioned some of his stuff, but like, I'm not going to put them on a pedestal, but

00:46:11.800 he's just a regular guy.

00:46:13.120 So I'm not, I'm not willing to separate myself or isolate myself from these high achievers.

00:46:17.980 What, what I want to do is I want to become more like them.

00:46:20.940 So I need to see myself in them.

00:46:22.940 Okay.

00:46:23.380 What is this regular guy doing?

00:46:25.840 That is extraordinary.

00:46:27.100 That will help me produce extraordinary results.

00:46:29.480 So, but to answer your question specifically, who's next, I don't know.

00:46:33.920 Tell me who you want to hear from.

00:46:35.120 I'll keep working on my end.

00:46:36.560 My dream guest.

00:46:37.640 I'll tell you this.

00:46:38.080 My dream guest right now is Keanu Reeves.

00:46:39.760 If any of you can, can work that in and make that happen.

00:46:43.600 I'd be really, really just, that'd be, that'd be amazing.

00:46:47.720 That's my number one guest right now.

00:46:48.940 I wonder if he would be more open to it with matrix coming out in December.

00:46:54.160 Yeah.

00:46:54.380 Matrix four is coming out.

00:46:56.000 Yeah.

00:46:56.200 Maybe does a little road show.

00:46:57.720 I mean, let's be, let's be real here though, about it.

00:47:00.360 Like, does he need the order of man podcast to promote matrix four?

00:47:03.660 Probably not.

00:47:04.340 No, but, but it'd make him, it'd certainly make him more manly than he is.

00:47:08.820 If he got on the podcast.

00:47:10.420 Totally.

00:47:10.960 He'd be like John wick on steroids, like the Hulk, John wick.

00:47:16.200 Yeah.

00:47:16.720 He could actually call himself John wick.

00:47:18.760 If he came on the podcast, but he would become John wick instead of playing John wick.

00:47:25.400 Totally.

00:47:26.340 Let's just insult him and see if he'll come on for that reason.

00:47:29.060 Yeah, he will.

00:47:29.820 Let's just like poke at him and taunt him.

00:47:31.780 That always works.

00:47:33.120 What are you chicken?

00:47:33.720 You don't want to come on the order of man podcast.

00:47:36.120 What you need to do is figure out where he trains in California, just drop in and roll

00:47:40.240 with him and then get him in a submission.

00:47:42.680 Yeah.

00:47:43.140 And then say, submit on the podcast.

00:47:44.980 I'm only going to let you go.

00:47:46.220 If you commit to a podcast, I know where he trains, uh, with his firearms training.

00:47:52.320 I know that.

00:47:52.960 And I have a couple of mutual friends who have, uh, who've actually trained there.

00:47:56.620 So maybe we can work those angles.

00:47:58.360 Yeah.

00:47:58.780 We have, we have strategy now.

00:48:01.120 We've, we followed that thought to a conclusion.

00:48:03.460 And now we're taking action.

00:48:04.980 Oh yeah, absolutely.

00:48:06.360 All right.

00:48:06.980 Jordan Higgins.

00:48:07.980 Do you have your son take hunter safety class?

00:48:10.640 And if so, and why not?

00:48:13.480 Do I have him take hunter safety?

00:48:15.320 Well, yeah, because if he wants the hunting license, then he has to have his hunter.

00:48:19.340 I know it was a silly question, but I wanted to, why, like, why would, why is that important

00:48:25.080 is what I'm hoping that we can talk about.

00:48:27.680 But why is, I mean, I'm having a hard time.

00:48:31.040 Why is hunter?

00:48:31.980 Because so you can get your license.

00:48:33.260 That's it.

00:48:34.660 It's ridiculous.

00:48:35.240 It provides value other than that.

00:48:36.860 No, I think it had some good value in there.

00:48:38.860 It doesn't add value because I'm a good dad.

00:48:42.160 Yeah.

00:48:42.600 And you've already taught him these things.

00:48:44.280 So, of course, you know, the class is unnecessary.

00:48:46.980 So when he goes to the class, he runs circles around kids that don't have a good dad who have

00:48:51.240 taught him that stuff.

00:48:52.300 And I'm not trying to knock on those other kids.

00:48:54.800 I'm just saying like, you think some institution already, you think some institution or organization

00:49:01.500 that's sanctioned by the state is going to do it better than I could.

00:49:04.980 I'm, I'm offended.

00:49:06.680 I'm insulted by that.

00:49:08.740 Now, look, the reality is being aware of safety when it comes to hunting is a valuable thing.

00:49:16.980 Hunter safety is important because it allows him to get his license.

00:49:20.420 But there's a difference between hunter safety, the course, and teaching him to be safe while

00:49:27.320 he's hunting.

00:49:28.280 And those are all things that we've talked about at length and explored and done and

00:49:33.240 worked towards.

00:49:34.400 So, yes, being safe is important.

00:49:38.420 So I'll help you out here, Jordan.

00:49:40.080 So for those dads that don't know, right, and that don't know what to teach their kids.

00:49:45.400 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

00:49:46.420 You take the class, learn, study, and then teach your kid.

00:49:49.980 All right.

00:49:50.680 Yeah.

00:49:50.980 I'll agree with that.

00:49:52.060 Yeah.

00:49:52.200 I would agree with that.

00:49:53.900 Yeah.

00:49:54.260 I would agree with that.

00:49:55.160 Cause I was going to say until you finished it.

00:49:57.060 So I was interrupting you before you finished this, the thought, which was a good thought

00:50:00.200 is if you don't know, then you figure it out so you can teach your kid.

00:50:04.360 So valid point, valid point.

00:50:07.100 Just don't send them off.

00:50:08.420 And then, you know, you don't learn yourself.

00:50:10.600 Right.

00:50:11.960 Oh, well, that's what a lot of people do, you know, and or, or maybe you do, maybe you

00:50:17.300 don't know anything about hunting and you, and you send your kid to hunter safety.

00:50:20.200 And then like, let him teach you.

00:50:22.660 That's okay.

00:50:24.000 Yeah.

00:50:24.440 And then still go learn yourself.

00:50:26.620 Still.

00:50:26.940 Yeah.

00:50:27.080 You want to get a third party instead of having an eight-year-old teach you about how to handle

00:50:30.860 a firearm.

00:50:31.980 For sure.

00:50:33.600 Yeah.

00:50:33.960 All right.

00:50:34.700 Paul Evans, finding, how did you find a publisher for your fabulous book?

00:50:40.080 I don't think I've heard your book be referenced as fabulous.

00:50:43.260 So new category.

00:50:44.880 You're running the wrong circles then Kip.

00:50:46.980 If nobody, if nobody in your circle is calling my book fabulous, then fabulous.

00:50:51.520 What kind of, what kind of circles are you in?

00:50:53.700 Yeah.

00:50:54.480 How did it, what was it?

00:50:55.260 How did I find a publisher?

00:50:56.460 Yeah.

00:50:56.900 How did you find a publisher?

00:50:59.480 This was interesting.

00:51:00.820 So I'll make an announcement here in a second, but with sovereignty, I actually started, I

00:51:07.920 was going to self-publish it.

00:51:09.120 I started writing it and had the, I paid for the artwork and the, in the, in the, like the,

00:51:14.640 the development of the way it looked and the wording and the fonts and all that kind of

00:51:17.780 stuff.

00:51:18.060 I hired my, my own editor.

00:51:19.540 She was editing it while I would, I'd write a chapter and send it to her.

00:51:24.080 And then she'd edit it while I was writing another chapter.

00:51:25.840 And then she'd send it back to me.

00:51:27.040 She was amazing.

00:51:28.340 It's actually a brother in our iron council.

00:51:30.640 It's his wife.

00:51:31.340 That's where I found our editor.

00:51:33.040 So I try to reduce resources from people who believe in what we're doing and support what

00:51:37.840 we're doing because that, that just seems right to do.

00:51:41.360 And she did a phenomenal job on it.

00:51:44.100 And, and so we were writing the book and then I, I, you know, I go to conferences and events

00:51:48.560 and I meet people and I have a pretty good network because of what I shared with you

00:51:51.700 earlier about adding value.

00:51:53.420 And I came across a gentleman who owns a lifestyle entrepreneurs press and he reached out and

00:51:59.240 said, Hey, we want to, we want to house this book as one of our own.

00:52:02.200 And I really had everything done at that time.

00:52:05.380 And so I said, look, I mean, I'm pretty much done.

00:52:08.100 And he's like, well, I'll help you with a distribution model.

00:52:10.620 And that was actually very valuable to me because I didn't know how to distribute it to

00:52:14.960 anybody outside of Amazon.

00:52:16.120 And I didn't want to just have it printed as a paperback.

00:52:18.560 I wanted hardcover, paperback, audio book, Kindle, all that stuff.

00:52:23.580 So the value that he added to me and his organization is that they could help with the

00:52:27.340 distribution model of all four paperback, hard book, ebook, and audio version.

00:52:33.400 And so he said, well, look, if you already have it done, like we'll work that into the

00:52:37.200 deal and negotiations and contract, we'll handle distribution.

00:52:41.340 And here's, here's the agreement.

00:52:43.000 And so I worked with them and I had a, I had a good, uh, a good relationship with them

00:52:47.320 and we put out a good book and that's, I mean, it was, it was as simple as that, but I guess

00:52:52.720 the moral of the story is like, just get to work, like write the book, just start writing.

00:52:57.120 You can figure out this other stuff.

00:52:58.940 Yeah.

00:52:59.140 Finding the publisher is probably the easier part.

00:53:01.320 I assume.

00:53:01.580 I don't know if it's easier, but you can't sell a book you don't have and you can't like,

00:53:08.040 so that's important that you have a book.

00:53:10.860 Yeah.

00:53:11.440 Now the announcement I'm going to make is that nobody, and I haven't shared this because it

00:53:15.320 just happened a couple of days ago.

00:53:16.720 Um, I just signed the contract on my second book with a publisher, uh, and a literary agent

00:53:22.800 reached out to me and said, Hey, this is what we do.

00:53:25.660 We're going to help you get, uh, put together a book proposal.

00:53:28.880 Uh, we're going to pitch it to all of the major publishers and we're going to work out

00:53:34.460 the best details and best contracts and get you the most money and the most favorable terms.

00:53:38.920 And so I've been working with a literally literary agent, uh, for the past six months or so, I

00:53:46.280 would say somewhere in there.

00:53:47.560 And yeah, we just signed a contract just a couple of days ago, uh, as of the release of

00:53:51.080 this podcast, about a week ago, we signed the contract.

00:53:55.000 And so the next book will be coming out in 2022, late 2022.

00:54:00.680 So be on the lookout for that.

00:54:02.280 But I had a literary agent who helped me with that with a publisher.

00:54:06.180 Yeah.

00:54:06.320 And, and so they agreed upon almost like a subject and the book and everything before

00:54:12.600 it's actually written.

00:54:14.380 Yeah.

00:54:14.900 Typically what happens in the publishing world is you submit a book proposal.

00:54:19.040 And so a book proposal might include the title, the subtitle, the theme of the book,

00:54:24.480 the promise of the book, the chapters, and how it would be laid out in the sections.

00:54:28.580 And it's all subject to change within reason.

00:54:33.700 Uh, but usually what a, what a publisher is going to buy is the rights to that book based

00:54:39.020 on a book proposal.

00:54:40.640 And in the book proposal, they're also going to look at, you know, we have a pretty large

00:54:45.140 and extensive, expansive network at this point.

00:54:47.280 So they're looking at that and there's value in that.

00:54:49.140 Right.

00:54:49.340 So they're looking at that.

00:54:50.100 Is there a market outside that network?

00:54:52.540 Right.

00:54:53.160 Right.

00:54:53.560 Yeah.

00:54:53.960 Yeah.

00:54:54.740 So fortunately over the past six years, we've been building, and this is why I say it's

00:54:59.220 kind of a multifaceted approach.

00:55:01.780 It's like operation shock and awe, you know, a lot of guys will say, Hey, I want to write

00:55:05.320 a book.

00:55:05.680 I'm like, well, who are you going to sell the book to?

00:55:06.880 I don't know.

00:55:08.360 Okay.

00:55:08.660 Well, so maybe you should build an audience.

00:55:10.740 Yeah.

00:55:11.020 But what am I going to say?

00:55:12.140 Well, maybe you should write a book.

00:55:14.280 It's like, you got to do everything at once.

00:55:18.020 And the book I think is a little further down the road.

00:55:20.180 I wouldn't say that you should just write a book before having an audience.

00:55:23.420 Cause what are you, you're going to write a book, but you don't know, is anybody even

00:55:27.880 going to resonate with that?

00:55:29.040 But I've been doing this for six years.

00:55:30.480 Like I know what words and what phrases and what topics are important to men.

00:55:34.320 Cause I've been studying it for six years.

00:55:37.340 I'm pretty sure I have our audience dialed in.

00:55:40.560 Right.

00:55:41.680 But I'm building an audience.

00:55:43.200 I'm building a podcast.

00:55:44.380 I'm building a speaking portfolio.

00:55:47.920 I'm building a network of other men, 350 plus men that I've had on the podcast now.

00:55:53.640 And now when I go to sell a book, it's like, look, look at all of our assets, all these

00:55:58.340 resources, look at everything we have.

00:56:01.060 And, and that's pretty enticing to a publisher.

00:56:04.720 Yeah.

00:56:05.560 Copy.

00:56:06.500 All right.

00:56:07.060 Chris Gatchko, how do you process grief?

00:56:10.740 Ryan, you mentioned in Friday field notes about working through tragedy and getting

00:56:15.860 up to do what you've committed to do, regardless of the tragic, tragic situation, but how do

00:56:22.460 you personally choose to process the grief in a healthy way?

00:56:25.420 So it doesn't linger and become a hindrance or a problem at a later time.

00:56:31.600 This isn't something I'm really good at.

00:56:33.440 I don't even feel qualified to answer this question.

00:56:35.660 Cause for me, it's like, okay, well shit happens.

00:56:38.140 Charge on.

00:56:38.560 And, you know, you can feel down and upset.

00:56:42.000 And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

00:56:43.380 I think it's okay to, to be sad and, and to, or to be angry or all of the, the entire

00:56:49.480 process of, of going through that.

00:56:52.300 Uh, but I'm, but I'm still not, I'm, I'm just not great at it.

00:56:56.360 You know, I, I, I, I, frankly, I would rather suppress it and try it on because I got other

00:57:02.000 shit I need to get done.

00:57:03.480 But I think that's to Chris's question.

00:57:05.860 That's what we all do.

00:57:07.120 I think by default, right?

00:57:08.460 I think so.

00:57:09.300 I mean, not that it's right or wrong, but.

00:57:11.460 Well, it is wrong.

00:57:12.580 I, I, I genuinely think it's wrong.

00:57:14.560 I don't think it's healthy.

00:57:15.920 I've never thought it's healthy.

00:57:17.260 There's a time and a place where we need to repress some of that and actually do the

00:57:20.760 mission.

00:57:21.540 Sure.

00:57:22.480 But I think there's also a time and place where we need to acknowledge and deal with it.

00:57:26.680 And so part of this, what he's talking about specifically is our dog died a couple of weeks

00:57:30.340 ago.

00:57:31.380 Um, and I was, I got back from an errand and our dog was in the hospital with a neurologist

00:57:37.260 because it was having some, some brain issues and some neurological function problems.

00:57:42.700 Uh, and so I got back from a, uh, from an errand and I was sit, I just pulled into the

00:57:47.700 driveway and my wife comes out of the house and she opens the passenger side of my truck.

00:57:51.300 Sometimes I sit in there when I get home and the air conditioning, I like send out messages

00:57:55.100 and texts and whatever.

00:57:55.940 And so I'm sending out texts and she comes in and sits down next to me and she's teary-eyed

00:57:59.960 and she tells me, and she's like, do you want to go down and say goodbye to Sarge?

00:58:04.520 And I'm like, hell no.

00:58:05.980 Cause honestly, when we took him to the vet, uh, like 24 hours earlier, I actually said

00:58:12.840 goodbye.

00:58:13.140 Cause I was fairly certain that we were going to have to put them down at that point.

00:58:16.460 Like that was in my mind.

00:58:17.540 And I'm like, I'm not saying I already said goodbye.

00:58:19.060 I'm not going to say goodbye.

00:58:20.860 And then I just thought about it for a minute.

00:58:22.300 And I'm like, well, there's two things here.

00:58:23.600 Number one, you need to honor your dog.

00:58:25.240 You know, your dog's been here with you for four years, has literally traveled the country

00:58:28.800 with you, uh, has protected you and your family has honored what, like what we're all

00:58:34.940 about, I know it sounds weird hearing, hearing that this is a dog, but this is the dog.

00:58:39.220 Like it's part of the family.

00:58:40.320 And so I need it.

00:58:41.380 Like the dog has honored me.

00:58:43.120 So I feel like I should honor the dog.

00:58:45.580 Uh, but also my children need to see that.

00:58:47.680 Like, I can't let my wife go handle it with my kids.

00:58:51.160 What a sack of shit I would need to be for them to go deal with it and not me.

00:58:56.340 So there was a lot of reasons I felt I needed to go down.

00:58:58.920 And so I went down and, um, the, the doc said, Hey, you know, long story.

00:59:04.940 Short, we decided to have the dog put down because it had an inoperable brain tumor that

00:59:09.480 was causing a loss of function in his legs.

00:59:12.380 He was losing vision and some of his internal organs were, were struggling.

00:59:16.380 They're starting to shut down a little bit.

00:59:17.920 So we made the decision to put, put down the dog and the vet, um, asked, you know, okay,

00:59:23.400 we'll put down the dog.

00:59:24.280 Do you guys want to be in here when it happens?

00:59:25.880 And my three youngest said, no.

00:59:27.880 And I was okay with that.

00:59:28.800 Like, I understand.

00:59:30.020 So they went out into the waiting room and they, and they waited, uh, but my wife and

00:59:34.120 my, me and my son, and I didn't want to be in there for that, but my son and my wife wanted

00:59:38.080 to be there.

00:59:38.560 And so I needed to be there for them and the dog.

00:59:40.640 And so they put the dog down and then we took the dog from the hospital, uh, put them,

00:59:46.280 put them in the, in the, in the, in the back of the suburban.

00:59:49.160 And my oldest son and I said, Hey man, we need to go.

00:59:52.580 We need to go dig a hole.

00:59:53.520 He's like, I don't want to dig a hole for the dog.

00:59:55.500 I'm like, it's our responsibility, man.

00:59:58.800 Like it sucks.

01:00:00.780 It's a tragedy.

01:00:01.840 It's a hardship.

01:00:03.480 It's not fun.

01:00:04.580 Like you're, you're going to bury your dog.

01:00:06.580 This was Brecken's dog.

01:00:07.920 And I'm like, you're gonna have to bury it.

01:00:09.580 And so I said, let's get some shovels.

01:00:11.620 And so we grabbed some shovels and we spent 30 minutes digging a hole for it.

01:00:15.360 And that was, that sucks.

01:00:16.980 You're digging a hole for your dog.

01:00:19.620 Uh, and then we buried it and we just said a few words.

01:00:22.380 Like they didn't want to say a few words.

01:00:23.740 I said a few words about not so much about the dog, although I did, but more about like

01:00:27.740 how we deal with loss and, and how this is part of life and how we should remember the

01:00:32.060 good times and the things that he did well and, and how we enjoyed having him and the

01:00:36.260 memories that we had, you know?

01:00:38.380 So I feel like the best thing you can do is confront it head on that included burying

01:00:45.320 him.

01:00:45.420 That includes talking about him, you know?

01:00:48.780 So I don't know.

01:00:50.180 I don't, I don't think it's a good idea to, here's what I would say.

01:00:55.140 Go listen to my podcast from yesterday with Jason Wilson.

01:00:58.460 He's way better at this and I'm learning and I'm trying to learn from guys like him and

01:01:03.080 other people.

01:01:03.700 Just go listen to that podcast because he has, we had an hour and 20 minute or so conversation

01:01:09.560 about processing our emotions.

01:01:12.660 So go listen to that way better than anything I could ever do.

01:01:16.140 I don't know if you have some thoughts on that.

01:01:18.700 No, I mean, I think there's different grief, right?

01:01:21.600 I think some grief is interpretation and, and the suffering that we feel is, is our perception

01:01:30.100 of something.

01:01:30.760 Right.

01:01:31.260 And I think you process that by, by owning the fact that you created that, you know what

01:01:38.000 I mean?

01:01:38.220 Some of that meaning.

01:01:39.100 And, and so let's say I have grief with an abusive parent and it's like, well, the grief

01:01:44.460 I'm dealing with is that they didn't love me.

01:01:46.260 Well, is that necessarily true?

01:01:48.460 Right.

01:01:48.880 And so I think there's that kind of grief.

01:01:50.740 And then there's just grief of like losing a loved one, which there is no interpretation

01:01:56.020 other than the fact that like being grateful that you had your time with them, you know?

01:02:00.000 And, and I, I don't know why, maybe I'm demented, but like Asia and I, we've, we've talked a

01:02:05.840 little bit about, it seems like I've been doing a lot of funerals of late and, and I, I told

01:02:13.300 Asia, I'm like, you know what, if, if my pallbears are rolling that casket on a stupid cart, I'm

01:02:19.940 going to get pissed.

01:02:21.980 You carry that shit out.

01:02:23.900 You, you, you rise up and you carry my body and, and me, even me, like if I had to bury

01:02:31.060 my father tomorrow, I would prefer, I don't know why, but it just feels like the right

01:02:36.640 thing to do.

01:02:37.120 I would want to dig and I should be the one talking about my relationship with my father

01:02:42.740 and not sitting on the front bench and just listen to everyone else talk about him.

01:02:47.340 Like there's a sense of like honor that comes with those things, I think.

01:02:52.020 And, and for whatever reason, that's kind of like, when I die, like I want the people

01:02:57.160 that I love most sharing their feelings, right?

01:02:59.780 I would want them to carry my body.

01:03:02.060 I don't want to, you know, have some flimsy, you know, crappy cart with wheels, you know

01:03:08.200 what I mean?

01:03:08.420 Moving my body around.

01:03:09.460 Like there's, I think there's a sense of rising up that kind of, there's an opportunity to

01:03:15.040 rise up in those moments a little bit, but I don't know.

01:03:18.620 Well, look, I mean, I hear you on that and you're not wrong.

01:03:22.020 You know, you're not wrong, but everybody's so different, you know, and I don't respect

01:03:26.320 you for what you're saying, but I, and this sounds funny, but this is actually true.

01:03:29.880 I told my wife, Hey, look, when I die, don't you go out and buy a $10,000 casket for me?

01:03:34.700 Like, don't you do that?

01:03:36.220 Like you go out and, and maybe your dad wants to build pine wood box and you bury me deep

01:03:41.920 enough where I won't float to the surface in a muddy rainy day.

01:03:44.920 Cause that would be disgusting.

01:03:46.800 But like, if you spend, if you spend 10,000 on a casket and 10,000 on the funeral and do

01:03:52.780 all the flowers and all the bullshit, like I will come back and I will haunt you.

01:03:57.640 Like, just bury me, like treat me with some respect, you know, some dignity or whatever,

01:04:01.100 but just put me in a pine wood box, bury me where I, some place I liked that I enjoyed

01:04:07.240 being around and then like, just drive on and just apply, hopefully any lessons, maybe

01:04:12.480 you learned from me at some point along the way.

01:04:14.800 And I'm not wrong either, right?

01:04:16.320 You're not wrong.

01:04:17.000 I'm not wrong.

01:04:17.760 All of us have different perceptions.

01:04:19.260 Some people want to be burned and cremated.

01:04:20.900 Other people want to be buried.

01:04:22.340 Some people want all the lavishes, extravagancies and all that stuff.

01:04:26.000 Like it's not wrong.

01:04:28.200 It's just, it's not wrong.

01:04:29.320 And I guess the point that I'm making here is one of the comments that I made when we

01:04:33.380 were burying our dog and I was talking with my kids, as I said to them, I remember

01:04:36.380 vividly because I think it was an important moment.

01:04:38.480 And I was actually a little surprised that it came out of my mouth, but I felt compelled

01:04:42.320 to say it.

01:04:42.760 I said, look, you guys can grieve how you want.

01:04:45.700 You know, if you want to be sad and you want to cry, then do that.

01:04:49.200 Like be sad and cry.

01:04:51.060 If you want to laugh and tell jokes or, or tell funny stories about Sarge, you know, do

01:04:59.660 that.

01:05:00.400 And you don't have to feel bad about laughing because Sarge died.

01:05:03.780 Like, I remember when I went to my grandma's funeral, um, I expected it to be this like

01:05:08.160 really somber event and it kind of was, but then afterwards there was a little gathering

01:05:12.780 at, at, uh, I think it was my aunt's place and everybody was laughing and smiling and

01:05:17.280 they were telling jokes and stories.

01:05:18.660 And I was like, what is this?

01:05:20.440 Like, I didn't expect it to be like that.

01:05:22.320 And I just realized, oh, everybody's just processing it like in their own way.

01:05:26.020 And sometimes telling a funny joke about something silly grandma did, uh, or, you know, a funny

01:05:32.600 story and everybody laughs like, that's okay.

01:05:34.720 Like, it's okay.

01:05:35.520 You can laugh.

01:05:36.300 Why can't we laugh?

01:05:37.560 Yeah.

01:05:37.980 And I just, exactly.

01:05:39.700 And so I remember just telling my kids, I'm like, look, you can, you can just grieve how

01:05:43.380 you want.

01:05:44.020 If you want to cry, cry.

01:05:45.220 If you want to laugh, laugh.

01:05:46.160 If you want to laugh one minute and cry the next, do that.

01:05:48.820 And that's okay.

01:05:49.520 All of it's okay.

01:05:50.200 You just got to figure out what's going to work for you.

01:05:51.840 So to Chris's point, what's the best way to do it?

01:05:54.720 The way that works for you, like works for you.

01:05:58.360 Don't bottle it up.

01:05:59.500 Go listen to yesterday's podcast.

01:06:00.980 I think that that one might help too.

01:06:03.880 All right.

01:06:04.080 John Finch, similar question.

01:06:05.980 Actually, it's perfect segue here.

01:06:08.100 What is Ryan Mickler's desired legacy?

01:06:11.120 And what is the most important lessons you teach your kids to help define and support that

01:06:15.640 legacy?

01:06:18.680 You know, I have a lot of things I want to be remembered for, I guess, but sometimes I also

01:06:22.900 kind of think that's narcissistic.

01:06:24.340 So like, oh, I want them to remember me.

01:06:27.360 I don't know about that.

01:06:28.620 I just really want them to apply the lessons.

01:06:30.660 And if that means they need to remember me.

01:06:32.760 Whether they own it or make it yours, who cares?

01:06:35.700 That's really all it is.

01:06:37.140 You know, if somebody, if you're asking, what would I want people to remember me by?

01:06:41.220 I would say that I would like people to remember or recognize the fact that I was willing to

01:06:48.700 try things.

01:06:50.380 You know, if I had even a remote interest in something, I wanted to build something or to

01:06:56.020 try something or to do something that I was always willing to try wholeheartedly.

01:06:59.860 And if it worked out, it worked out.

01:07:02.260 If it didn't, well, at least dad or whoever was willing to give it a try.

01:07:05.600 And that's what I would want to be remembered as.

01:07:08.720 But I hope my legacy is just is so vast.

01:07:13.640 And I don't mean by population, by numbers, I mean, so like rich and dense with certain

01:07:19.340 individuals that it literally permeates every fabric of who they are, you know, with my

01:07:27.060 children, like not so much.

01:07:28.940 I, it's not even that I would want them to say, oh, dad taught me this one thing.

01:07:33.400 I just want them to act and behave a certain way that will serve them and other people.

01:07:37.120 Well, and maybe they don't even recognize where they cut, where it comes from, because

01:07:40.660 it's so entrenched in their DNA, because of all of the lessons that we had over 20, 40,

01:07:47.280 60, 70 years on this earth together.

01:07:49.680 So that's what I would say.

01:07:53.080 Sounds good to me.

01:07:54.620 Yeah, man.

01:07:55.120 I love the example of this.

01:07:57.100 I always give is, is Asia's grandmother.

01:08:00.380 They call her Meme, which is French, right?

01:08:02.840 And she was from France and, um, you know, she's, she's been, she's passed away now.

01:08:09.160 She's probably, uh, maybe 12 years or so, but, but the influence that that woman has on

01:08:17.780 her children and her grandkids without a doubt exists today, you know, like her influence

01:08:24.580 is still there.

01:08:25.520 It's, it's still about, you know, pleasing Meme and what would she say and making her proud.

01:08:32.420 And, and, and it's, it's almost like she's never, never left, you know, even my daughters,

01:08:38.040 ironically enough, they're like, Oh, I love Meme.

01:08:40.780 And like, and we're like, she died before you're ever born, but they know who she is

01:08:45.620 and, and they could tell you about her as weird as that is.

01:08:50.560 Right.

01:08:51.060 But, but it's because she's so ingrained into their lives, you know?

01:08:54.220 So I think that's good inspiration actually.

01:08:57.640 For sure.

01:08:58.740 All right.

01:08:59.940 Let's take one more question.

01:09:01.180 Yep.

01:09:01.340 Let's take one more.

01:09:02.660 Uh, you know, let me scroll down here.

01:09:05.340 Make the best one down to a good one.

01:09:08.720 Nah, that's not a good one.

01:09:10.500 No, that's just so you guys know, while Kip is trying to find this Kip has a Kip is judging

01:09:15.460 you and your questions.

01:09:16.560 He has a color coded system where he does green, yellow, and red.

01:09:20.380 If you're red, you're an asshole.

01:09:21.660 If you're green, you're probably still an asshole, but you got a good question.

01:09:25.320 So just want to let you know where Kip's coming from on these.

01:09:28.460 Yeah.

01:09:28.620 And we have a special color.

01:09:29.960 And then those guys, we just removed from the Facebook group.

01:09:33.100 Outer darkness, black.

01:09:34.500 That guy should not even be around.

01:09:36.660 This is where censorship comes into play.

01:09:39.100 And you guys are, you, you and the black are censored forever.

01:09:42.780 All right.

01:09:43.220 Indefinitely.

01:09:44.260 I got one.

01:09:45.300 I think this is a good one to wrap up with Lance Wallace.

01:09:48.400 Do you have any tips and resources for controlling anger and letting go while in the moment?

01:09:55.880 I struggle heavily with this.

01:09:57.140 I'm a new IC member and I plan to address this in my battle plan, but I was wondering

01:10:01.500 if you had any tips and resources I could look into specifically when my wife and I get

01:10:06.340 into a disagreement, I usually let my anchor control my actions and I get loud.

01:10:11.680 I yell and et cetera to where everyone can hear me, including the kids.

01:10:15.040 Obviously, this is a problem I need to address.

01:10:18.400 Any help is appreciated.

01:10:19.820 Thank you for what you do.

01:10:22.080 Yeah.

01:10:22.120 I've got a couple of tips for you just from personal experience, but you said something

01:10:26.060 in here that is very, very important.

01:10:28.360 And I want you to acknowledge it and you said it right.

01:10:32.080 And I'm paraphrasing here.

01:10:33.480 So correct me if I'm interpreting it wrong, Kip.

01:10:35.520 You said, I allow my anger to make, create my actions or something along those lines.

01:10:42.980 Yeah.

01:10:43.320 I let my anger control my actions.

01:10:46.020 Control my actions.

01:10:46.800 Yeah.

01:10:47.360 So what you've done here, and this is exactly right.

01:10:50.140 What you've done in this sentence alone is identified what so many men failed to recognize

01:10:56.560 that your emotions are not synonymous with your response.

01:11:01.540 Because what a lot of guys believe is that anger, they shouldn't get anger, you're punching

01:11:08.760 the wall.

01:11:09.200 No.

01:11:09.480 Well, maybe, or that anger is punching the wall.

01:11:12.500 No.

01:11:13.580 Anger is anger and punching the wall is the reaction.

01:11:17.020 They're, they're different.

01:11:18.620 And sometimes they're linked.

01:11:20.380 You're angry.

01:11:21.440 So you punch a wall.

01:11:23.100 You're angry.

01:11:24.140 So you punch your wife or you're depressed or upset about something.

01:11:29.240 And so you drink.

01:11:31.640 So it's not, they're not synonymous guys.

01:11:34.900 And this gentleman recognizes that it's because you wouldn't have said, I let my anger control

01:11:39.280 my actions.

01:11:39.880 You acknowledge that they're two separate things.

01:11:43.780 So what you need, well, look, I'll write, I won't write it out, but imagine, get out on

01:11:49.540 a piece of paper.

01:11:51.500 And, and on that, on the left side of the piece of paper, just write anger or greed or jealousy

01:11:56.940 or happy or sad or whatever, write your list of emotions.

01:12:00.980 And then, so that's a column going up and down on the left side of the paper, on the

01:12:06.380 right side of the paper, write your natural response, anger, yelling, mad, throwing things,

01:12:14.700 hitting things.

01:12:15.440 I've punched walls before, right?

01:12:17.060 Like, okay.

01:12:18.660 Now what's in the middle, nothing, right?

01:12:22.040 It's blank.

01:12:22.540 You have a left column, which is your emotions.

01:12:24.480 You have a right column, which is your response.

01:12:26.420 And in the middle is nothing.

01:12:29.400 And if what I found is the, the smaller, the gap between your emotion and your response,

01:12:37.040 the more likely it is that you're allowing your emotion to control your response.

01:12:42.720 Let me say that again, the smaller, the gap between your emotion and your response, the

01:12:48.800 more likely it is that your emotion is controlling your response.

01:12:55.080 What you need to do is create a larger gap.

01:12:58.580 Specifically, you have a problem flying off the rails, a larger gap between the emotion

01:13:03.140 and the response, because then that gap is a void.

01:13:06.640 And in that void comes logic and reason and clarity and judgment.

01:13:17.100 And if there's no gap, there's no void to fill in with logic and reason and clarity and judgment.

01:13:24.620 So when you are getting into it with your wife and you're upset about what's going on,

01:13:33.060 you need to acknowledge that you're upset, create the margin.

01:13:38.320 Hey, hon, I'm upset right now.

01:13:41.780 And I'm really trying to work on allowing my anger to control my reaction.

01:13:47.000 So I just need 10 minutes.

01:13:51.580 I need a half an hour.

01:13:53.520 Now you can't run away.

01:13:55.140 I didn't say that.

01:13:56.560 I said, there's a gap.

01:13:57.800 It's not an indefinite do nothing.

01:13:59.820 You can't run away.

01:14:00.740 You have to address it.

01:14:01.740 It's just a gap.

01:14:03.420 And so you say, I need a half an hour.

01:14:05.720 And then you go to your room or you go to the golf course or you go to go outside and

01:14:10.700 go for a walk or you go play with your dog or you go work out or you do whatever it is

01:14:14.700 you're going to do, but you create a gap and then inflows the logic and the reasoning

01:14:20.680 and the discernment and the judgment.

01:14:24.640 And you start thinking about it and you start asking yourself different questions, right?

01:14:29.460 Like, why am I angry?

01:14:31.020 Well, I'm angry because she does this thing.

01:14:34.420 Well, why does she do this thing?

01:14:36.480 Well, she does this thing because she doesn't understand.

01:14:38.580 Why doesn't she understand?

01:14:39.700 Well, maybe you come to the conclusion that you never explained how you feel about things.

01:14:44.420 And if you have enough space to actually think about it for a minute, look, you can always

01:14:49.980 go back and punch the wall.

01:14:50.980 Like if you wait 30 minutes, like if normally your, your response to anger is to go punch

01:14:56.660 the wall or to yell at your wife.

01:14:58.900 I know this sounds funny, but like, if you wait 30 minutes, you can always go back and

01:15:02.480 punch the wall.

01:15:03.080 You can always, always go back and yell at your wife.

01:15:05.220 Like that's not off the table, but I don't think you will do that.

01:15:08.980 I think you'll have enough clarity to think, you know what, man, I was angry at her, but

01:15:14.840 actually she was right about some things.

01:15:16.500 And then you go to her and you say, Hey, you know what, hon, I was very angry about what

01:15:21.380 you said, because it made me feel this way.

01:15:24.580 And the reason I think I feel this way is because I don't feel valued.

01:15:29.080 And it came to me or dawned on me that I never really explained to you what I feel like I do

01:15:36.800 that's valuable around the house.

01:15:38.060 And I'm really curious if this is valuable to you or what maybe I can do more to add

01:15:42.760 value to your life so that you do appreciate our relationship, but that can only come in

01:15:50.320 a gap that you've created that can be filled with all of those thoughts and the ability to

01:15:56.080 ask yourself questions.

01:15:57.140 So, uh, what's the phrase?

01:16:00.420 It's something about like stimulus and response.

01:16:03.340 Like it's coming to mind.

01:16:04.460 I can't think of the phrase.

01:16:05.420 You guys know what I probably know what I'm talking.

01:16:06.580 There's a quote about like stimulus and response.

01:16:09.900 I can't even remember who said it, but anyways, create the space, create the margin.

01:16:14.920 And it's going to be better.

01:16:17.040 Just work on that.

01:16:18.700 When you, when you feel yourself getting emotionally charged, like even in happiness, like I don't

01:16:23.960 get overly happy about things.

01:16:27.140 Because like, why would I do that?

01:16:30.640 You know, like if I, like the book deal, I just closed on the book deal.

01:16:33.100 My wife said, why aren't you more excited?

01:16:34.520 I'm like, well, I'm just trying to process it all.

01:16:36.940 Like, I don't know, maybe like tomorrow it goes away.

01:16:39.840 Like what if I'm overexcited and it, and then it fails.

01:16:42.640 And then I just created all this excitement over nothing, like just chill.

01:16:45.920 So I try to take the highs and the lows off of it by just creating some space and just

01:16:51.300 mellowing everything out.

01:16:52.660 That works for me.

01:16:53.920 Cause I tend to be, I only laugh because Asia does the same thing.

01:16:56.780 She's like, why aren't you happy?

01:16:57.920 I'm like, well, you know, just, just hold up.

01:17:00.320 Like, let's figure it out here.

01:17:01.680 Like, what if the publisher comes back and says, no, nevermind.

01:17:05.160 Or, you know, what if, whatever, it doesn't work.

01:17:07.400 Like just, just tap on the brake a little.

01:17:10.540 Sometimes you got to tap on the accelerator.

01:17:12.280 Sometimes you got to tap on the brake, but the key is to like maintain the same.

01:17:15.880 There is no cruise control.

01:17:17.320 That's all on you.

01:17:18.400 And you're the one who has to maintain it based on what you're trying to accomplish.

01:17:21.540 So, so I'll, I, I have a sample of an example of this scenario that I think might be powerful

01:17:28.600 to share.

01:17:29.380 So Asia and I difficult situation, situation occurred three months ago and she didn't tell

01:17:39.060 me issue escalated and sits down and says, Oh, Hey honey, by the way, you know, this happened

01:17:46.400 three months ago, blah, blah, blah.

01:17:47.660 Right.

01:17:47.940 And I was like, completely pissed.

01:17:51.540 Right.

01:17:52.100 Totally.

01:17:52.440 I'm like, hold on.

01:17:54.380 This is a big deal.

01:17:56.340 You didn't think it would be valuable to let me know three months ago.

01:18:00.280 And then she gave me a reason.

01:18:01.800 And I immediately was like judgmental of the reason.

01:18:04.300 Well, that's a lie, right?

01:18:05.700 You're not telling me the truth and it's something else.

01:18:08.120 And I had to add some interpretation, had to let it go.

01:18:12.300 Exactly what you, what you're counseling.

01:18:14.480 I had to walk away from it and say, okay, you know what?

01:18:18.240 I need to process this.

01:18:19.880 Now, unfortunately for me, it was like a day and a half.

01:18:22.640 Cause I was pretty pissed.

01:18:24.960 Now here's the irony.

01:18:27.060 I didn't have a solution.

01:18:30.520 Like I didn't work it out in my mind.

01:18:32.740 Like there's no like resolve, but I still needed to talk.

01:18:39.700 And so, and I came back to her and said, Hey, I want to talk to you about this.

01:18:44.480 And I'm like, first off, let me express this, right?

01:18:49.820 My interpretation by you not informing me about this and waiting three months, it makes me feel

01:18:57.620 that you don't appreciate my insight, my opinions, that I'm not valued because otherwise, why wouldn't

01:19:03.400 you bring it up?

01:19:04.100 And, and it, and it ruins trust for me in our relationship.

01:19:10.760 I don't know what to do with it right now.

01:19:13.140 I don't have a resolve.

01:19:14.640 I don't have a solution, but I want to let you know that that's how I interpreted that

01:19:19.160 action.

01:19:19.540 And my ask is that we're on the same page, right?

01:19:25.980 And then the conversation and the hindsight, actually, and now that I'm saying this right

01:19:29.360 now, just in case she's listening, ironically enough, as I say this, I'm like, what I should

01:19:34.240 have also said is my ask is that we sit down on these difficult situations and we talk about

01:19:42.600 it.

01:19:42.740 And if there's concerns on your part of, well, I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid

01:19:47.640 that you would blah, blah, blah.

01:19:48.680 Well, then let's, when we talk about it, you bring up those concerns.

01:19:51.920 Hey, I have something to tell you, but my concern is that you're going to overreact and you might,

01:19:56.340 you know, do these things.

01:19:57.700 And that's a valid concern.

01:19:58.680 And then we can have a conversation around it now for full honesty here.

01:20:03.580 I don't think I said that last part.

01:20:07.360 I'm pretty sure I didn't actually, but she'll, she'll tell me what exactly.

01:20:11.480 She's like, no, he did not.

01:20:13.040 Yeah.

01:20:13.500 But the point is, we'll bring her on as our guest next week.

01:20:15.820 And, uh, actually we'll bring you both on as guests and we'll do a little therapy session.

01:20:20.300 It would just go raw.

01:20:22.700 But, but the point was, is actually me, even though I didn't have a resolve or a solution,

01:20:27.740 I needed to communicate it because me being passive aggressive and just walking around pissed

01:20:35.360 off and, and not having the freedom of expression back to her on an important matter matters.

01:20:42.840 And, and I don't know, and I might be unique and different from other guys, but so much

01:20:47.920 of our conflict that does show up in our marriage, it's actually a limit or it's because we're

01:20:54.440 not expressing our feelings, not necessarily like we're having to fix things.

01:20:59.380 We're just not expressing them.

01:21:01.780 And there's a lot of power in me coming to the table and not going, Hey, when you did

01:21:06.880 X, you know, that was wrong and blah, blah, blah.

01:21:09.120 No.

01:21:09.440 If you listen to what I said, when this occurred, I, I interpret it as this.

01:21:17.720 And it made me feel this way that way.

01:21:20.720 I'm not accusing her either.

01:21:22.440 And that allows her to also decide to own and say, well, that's not what, that's not

01:21:27.460 what my intention was.

01:21:28.540 My intention was this, you know, and then you can have some dialogue around it.

01:21:33.220 Yeah.

01:21:33.240 Because I guarantee when you approach your, your woman about, Hey, when you don't tell

01:21:38.740 me these things, here's how I feel.

01:21:40.620 And you don't trust me.

01:21:41.940 You don't respect me.

01:21:43.000 You know, all these things that I think you're, I don't think you're different.

01:21:45.720 You said, I'm maybe I'm different than other guys.

01:21:47.320 I don't, I don't think so.

01:21:48.240 I think all of us deal with that issue.

01:21:49.840 Yeah.

01:21:50.200 And, and then I guarantee she's going to come back and she's genuinely going to believe

01:21:54.180 she's going to be like, I don't believe any of that.

01:21:55.600 Like, I trust you.

01:21:56.660 I respect you.

01:21:57.940 I've had conversations, not recently, but years and years ago where I had conversations

01:22:01.960 like this in, in just glimpses of like a mature husband.

01:22:07.320 Uh, and, and my wife has told me, no, I don't, it's not that I don't, none of that

01:22:12.680 stuff.

01:22:13.020 I'm just afraid of what you'll do.

01:22:14.560 And then I, and I hate to admit, but I'm like, well, you don't have to be afraid.

01:22:20.560 But then if I think of, I'm like, oh shit.

01:22:23.020 Yeah.

01:22:23.460 As my record proven has my stronger than you should be.

01:22:27.300 I punch walls when I'm angry.

01:22:30.720 I, I, I diminish you.

01:22:34.000 Like I use my words to hurt you.

01:22:36.220 And then I have the audacity to say, you don't need to be afraid of me.

01:22:39.060 Oh shit.

01:22:41.280 You're afraid of me.

01:22:42.820 That's why you're not telling me things.

01:22:44.760 And that's a kick in the balls, but it's also something we need to come to the realization

01:22:49.440 of.

01:22:49.880 Because if that's the case and she's like, who listening to this podcast, the podcast

01:22:55.520 wants their wife to be afraid of them.

01:22:57.740 Not a single person listening to this.

01:22:59.660 And yet how many of you have wives who are afraid of you or kids or a wife that's afraid

01:23:07.340 of you on behalf of the kid.

01:23:08.980 Like, yeah, that's, that's, um, something we ought to wrestle with guys, you know, is

01:23:16.540 like, is she afraid of you?

01:23:18.460 But there's, there's, there's the margin.

01:23:20.900 And then that, but again, that comes back to what we were saying about the margin.

01:23:23.840 Like that creates the rational thought where it's like, you don't have to be, what are

01:23:26.980 you talking about?

01:23:27.260 You don't have to be afraid of me.

01:23:28.100 It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:23:30.220 As you punch the wall.

01:23:31.660 Right.

01:23:32.120 Slow down.

01:23:33.680 And then when you slow down, you're like, oh yeah, got it.

01:23:36.500 I would be afraid of me too.

01:23:38.460 Yeah.

01:23:39.920 Like I, I would be afraid of my dad in that situation.

01:23:43.120 If he acted the way that I act, I would be afraid as a kid or a woman, somebody that's

01:23:48.800 supposed to be able to trust you.

01:23:52.020 I'm only speaking from experience guys.

01:23:53.960 Like I'm not pointing fingers at you.

01:23:55.440 I'm saying, this is the realization I came to.

01:23:57.700 This is a large part of the separation that my wife and I went through 12 years ago.

01:24:01.560 She was afraid of me and I wasn't willing to admit it.

01:24:04.440 And you know what?

01:24:04.980 She was probably right to be afraid of me.

01:24:07.100 I never abused her.

01:24:08.260 Uh, physically, I never, you know, I never assault nothing like that.

01:24:12.600 They could have very easily turned into that though.

01:24:14.840 If it would have went down the same path, I could have very, very easily turned it.

01:24:18.400 And I hate to admit that, but it could have.

01:24:20.560 And so something to be aware of great questions today, not ending on like a solid note.

01:24:29.680 Cause I'm like, dang, that's a little depressing.

01:24:31.900 Yeah.

01:24:32.040 But I think it's something that, that a conversation that needs to be had.

01:24:35.600 And we're about having serious conversations, like real issues and real things that we're

01:24:39.360 dealing with.

01:24:39.820 And that's a big thing.

01:24:40.760 A lot of you guys are dealing with.

01:24:43.360 So I don't think we need to, I don't think we need to change it from there.

01:24:47.540 I think we ought to just ponder on that.

01:24:50.220 Yeah.

01:24:51.100 Bring us home.

01:24:51.820 Yeah.

01:24:52.920 To continue to level up with us.

01:24:54.780 You know, we had a brother earlier on, you know, join the iron council.

01:24:58.120 He's getting on the path in regards to, you know, putting, if you, if you remember the

01:25:02.600 question, it was like, Hey, I I'm planning on putting this on my battle plan.

01:25:06.080 I'm seeking accountability within the IC to address this issue.

01:25:09.540 And that's exactly what we do in the iron council.

01:25:11.680 So to learn more about the iron council, go to order of man.com slash iron council.

01:25:16.180 And as always to follow Mr.

01:25:17.440 Mickler on, on the socials, you can follow him at Ryan Mickler, whether on Twitter or Instagram.

01:25:24.740 And I, well, no events are full.

01:25:27.820 Stay tuned, subscribe, make sure that you're following whether it be on the podcast or Facebook

01:25:34.820 on the socials or YouTube and future events.

01:25:38.480 You got to stay connected to Mr.

01:25:39.960 Mickler to know if there's meetups happening as he's traveling around.

01:25:43.600 So, yes, sir.

01:25:44.900 Plus, I think we're going to get to the point where we just, we just can't like we had 23

01:25:50.020 or 25 people in Houston, another 25 or so in Detroit.

01:25:55.340 And I usually do them at my Airbnb, wherever I'm staying.

01:25:58.700 So like, there's going to be a cap on these things.

01:26:01.100 So just make sure you stay in touch.

01:26:02.440 So, you know, where I'm going to be and know where we can connect.

01:26:05.140 All right, guys.

01:26:05.720 Appreciate you.

01:26:06.220 Great questions today.

01:26:07.800 Let's keep the conversations alive and let's keep doing what we need to do.

01:26:10.960 So go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:26:14.600 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:26:17.340 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:26:21.320 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

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Order of Man - September 22, 2021

How to Add Value When You Have No Value to Add, How to Control Your Anger Issues, and What Will Be Your Legacy ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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