Order of Man - September 20, 2024


How to Break Negative Habits ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats


Length

37 minutes

Words per minute

183.01141

Word count

6,939

Sentence count

394

Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Hate speech

5

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Ryan talks about the importance of breaking bad habits and how to replace them with more constructive ones. He also shares some tips from the books The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and Atomic Habits by James Clear.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 We talked about Charles Duhigg's book, The Power of Habit.
00:00:02.900 And we talked about James Clear's book, Atomic Habits.
00:00:05.780 We also talked about the cue, the actual behavior,
00:00:09.180 and then the reward.
00:00:10.260 And then we went through the eight questions again.
00:00:12.300 Why is it important I stop this behavior?
00:00:14.500 Why am I tempted?
00:00:16.040 What reward am I getting from this behavior?
00:00:18.740 What is the cost if I do not stop this behavior?
00:00:22.280 Alternatively, what will I gain
00:00:23.560 if I refrain from this behavior?
00:00:25.560 What can I do instead right now?
00:00:27.720 And then point number eight is, who can I call right now to help?
00:00:33.000 You're a man of action.
00:00:34.640 You live life to the fullest.
00:00:36.080 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:39.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:43.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:48.540 This is your life.
00:00:49.620 This is who you are.
00:00:51.040 This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:53.640 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:58.520 Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast.
00:01:00.840 My name is Ryan Mickler.
00:01:02.260 I'm your host and the founder of this movement.
00:01:04.240 We have been going strong for nine and a half years now.
00:01:06.920 And I want to say first and foremost, we could not do it without you.
00:01:11.160 Fathers, husbands, business owners, leaders in your community,
00:01:13.900 brothers, coaches, mentors, et cetera.
00:01:15.920 All men working independently and collectively to restore and reclaim masculinity
00:01:23.240 in our homes, in our communities, in our businesses.
00:01:26.860 And look, we don't always get it right.
00:01:28.560 We're not always 100%.
00:01:29.640 But the goal here, especially with this podcast,
00:01:32.100 is to give you the tools and information you need to make yourself a better
00:01:35.800 and more capable man.
00:01:37.540 To that end, we've got an incredible lineup of past podcast guests,
00:01:42.420 guys like Jocko Willink and Dave Ramsey and Ben Shapiro and Matthew McConaughey,
00:01:47.000 Tim Tebow, Terry Crews.
00:01:49.160 The lineup, as I say, just about every week is phenomenal.
00:01:52.860 And what that means is that those men are coming here because they believe in this mission.
00:01:57.360 And it also means that there's millions, literally at this point,
00:02:00.780 millions of men across the planet who believe in reclaiming and restoring masculinity.
00:02:06.280 So I welcome you if you're here for the first time,
00:02:08.660 or if you've listened to every episode, all 1,500 plus of them,
00:02:13.600 I'm really, really glad that you're here.
00:02:15.460 Today, we're going to talk about overcoming negative habits.
00:02:19.100 This is very difficult for a lot of people, myself included.
00:02:22.940 But we know, we know that there's certain habits that we're engaged in
00:02:26.720 or we have been engaged in the past that we're trying to eliminate,
00:02:30.100 eradicate, and reduce from our lives.
00:02:33.760 So what I thought I'd do is share some information that I gained from
00:02:38.260 a couple of books that I've read on the subject that I think are
00:02:42.780 the definitive books on the subject of breaking habits and implementing new habits.
00:02:49.700 And the first is called The Power of Habit.
00:02:51.740 And that one is by Charles Duhigg.
00:02:53.820 The second book that I reference here is Atomic Habits by James Clear.
00:02:58.760 James has been a past podcast guest.
00:03:00.660 It's a phenomenal book, as is The Power of Habit.
00:03:04.320 So if you're looking to really understand the nature of your habits,
00:03:08.600 overcome the things that are not serving you well,
00:03:10.880 and instead replace those with positive, constructive, healthy habits,
00:03:15.160 then I would highly encourage you to check out The Power of Habit by James Duhigg
00:03:18.260 and, again, Atomic Habits by James Clear.
00:03:21.880 Guys, let's get into this.
00:03:23.140 I really like the framework.
00:03:24.500 I work best under frameworks.
00:03:26.100 If I have a very simple path or system to follow,
00:03:28.480 that seems to work really well for me.
00:03:31.140 And when it comes to the habits that we engage in,
00:03:34.820 it's really a three-step formula or there's three factors to really consider
00:03:41.880 so that you can get your mindset right about why you're engaged in the behavior
00:03:45.980 that you're engaged in.
00:03:47.420 I believe that if you can understand why,
00:03:50.220 then you'll get closer to figuring out how you can replace those negative behaviors
00:03:54.920 behaviors with positive ones.
00:03:57.260 So in his book, The Power of Habit,
00:03:59.260 Charles talks about a cycle for our behavior.
00:04:04.060 And it's very simply this.
00:04:04.980 There's a cue.
00:04:06.740 So anytime you're going to engage in a behavior, there is a cue.
00:04:11.120 A lot of the times these things are subconscious.
00:04:14.260 At work, if you feel like you need a cigarette,
00:04:16.340 maybe the cue is you're feeling a little bit more anxiety than you were earlier in the day.
00:04:20.420 Or maybe somebody starts smoking a cigarette or you smell it.
00:04:24.380 And therefore, that is the cue for you to then go ahead and light up a cigarette yourself.
00:04:29.360 If it's pornography, maybe it's loneliness.
00:04:32.720 Maybe it's a lack of intimacy or connection with a significant other.
00:04:37.340 But there's always a cue.
00:04:38.480 There's always something that sets that off.
00:04:41.460 If there wasn't a cue, then we would just engage in it all the time or none of the time.
00:04:46.400 But something is setting it off.
00:04:48.080 Something is triggering it.
00:04:49.200 And when you figure out what is triggering your negative habit,
00:04:53.100 you can more appropriately address it correctly.
00:04:56.140 The second part of this is the actual behavior.
00:04:59.320 So somebody talks about the party they went and had last weekend.
00:05:05.140 And you know that you tend to drink a little too much.
00:05:10.020 Just by them mentioning it and just by you thinking about not only that party that maybe you missed out on,
00:05:15.980 but other drinking binges or parties that you've been part of, that's the cue, right?
00:05:21.400 The trigger.
00:05:22.160 And then it immediately forces you into taking that action.
00:05:25.820 I shouldn't say forces.
00:05:26.880 That's not the right word.
00:05:28.640 It triggers you into taking the action that will hit the cue.
00:05:34.160 So, for example, again, drinking.
00:05:36.580 Now, the third point of this is that there's a reward.
00:05:40.500 There's always a benefit.
00:05:42.400 And logically, we as men know, and I think we're logical creatures sometimes,
00:05:47.140 but we're also driven largely by our emotions and even subconscious thoughts and ideas that we're not even fully aware of.
00:05:53.960 But you would not engage in whatever behavior we're talking about,
00:05:59.540 whether it's gambling or drinking or drugs or pornography or procrastination and laziness,
00:06:08.080 or one that I often see with a lot of men is anger and lashing out and yelling and maybe even being violent.
00:06:15.560 There's a lot of negative habits that a lot of us engage in, and it's giving us something.
00:06:21.760 For example, if you react to negative news or hard circumstances with anger and you lash out,
00:06:29.640 the reward might feel that you get some sense of control back over your life, and that's the reward for you.
00:06:37.580 If it's drinking and you drink because the cue is high anxiety and stress about the day and the behavior is drinking,
00:06:44.560 then the reward is being able at least temporarily to check out, zone out, tune out, and be drunk
00:06:51.320 so you don't have to worry about the high stress and anxiety of the day.
00:06:55.580 If it's pornography, the cue might be that you see an attractive woman walking down the street
00:07:02.740 or somebody that you work with or you see an image on Instagram.
00:07:06.200 And so the behavior then is I'm going to look at more pornographic images or videos,
00:07:10.880 and the reward is maybe it's some sort of connection, intimate connection that you're looking for.
00:07:17.280 Maybe it's a sense of validation from women, and that's the reward for you. 1.00
00:07:23.180 So guys, we need to know and be intimately familiar.
00:07:26.540 This all operates at a subconscious level, and that's the problem is that you don't even know why you're doing the things that you're doing.
00:07:33.000 And so you're letting your default emotions, past experiences, experiences from even decades ago,
00:07:40.900 control your life without you even knowing it.
00:07:42.940 And you'll say, and I've said it too, that you're in complete control.
00:07:46.200 Well, if you don't know these three factors, then you're not.
00:07:49.780 You're just not.
00:07:51.560 Your lizard reptile brain is what's in control, and you're doing things on autopilot now 0.99
00:07:57.400 that you have no reason to do or no idea why you're doing them in the first place.
00:08:01.940 So what I'd like you to do, and I want you to take notes on this episode,
00:08:05.180 is I want you to get out a journal or a notepad or your battle planner,
00:08:10.020 and I want you to start taking some notes and write down without any exclusion right now,
00:08:15.480 what are the negative, toxic, or destructive habits that you weren't currently engaged in?
00:08:21.320 Again, pornography, gambling, drinking, procrastination, laziness, gluttony.
00:08:28.880 A lot of people solve problems with overconsumption, whether it's food or even buying things and just being a consumer.
00:08:36.500 Maybe it's anger, lashing out, acts of violence.
00:08:39.920 There's a lot of things that it could potentially be, and I want you to make a list of all of those things.
00:08:45.460 And then once you've made that list, what I'd like you to do next is I'd like you to write out
00:08:50.320 what factors of the three that I just shared with you are triggering those behaviors.
00:08:57.520 So we already filled out the second one, which is the behavior.
00:09:00.300 That's what you just listed out.
00:09:01.680 Now you need to write down, okay, what is it that causes me to engage in that behavior?
00:09:05.740 For example, if we're looking at pornography and we want to stop that behavior,
00:09:10.100 then we need to work backwards.
00:09:12.840 So what is the cue?
00:09:14.140 Maybe you're just bored.
00:09:15.240 Or maybe you do see, like I said earlier, an image on Instagram or Facebook and you think,
00:09:20.360 well, you know, like maybe I should look a little bit more.
00:09:23.340 That's the cue.
00:09:24.460 And then the reward.
00:09:25.860 So you've already filled out the middle column behavior.
00:09:28.920 Now you fill out the left column, which is the cue.
00:09:31.760 And now you fill out the right column, which is the reward.
00:09:35.140 What are you gaining from it?
00:09:37.220 And don't say nothing.
00:09:38.780 Don't say, oh, I know I shouldn't do it.
00:09:40.800 So I'm not gaining anything.
00:09:41.720 I'm not saying, what are you getting in a healthy way?
00:09:43.960 I'm saying that behavior is trying to meet a need that you have.
00:09:49.040 If it wasn't the case, then you wouldn't engage in it.
00:09:52.300 There are a lot of things that I do not do on a daily basis because A, I either don't recognize it as being productive
00:09:58.980 or B, I don't really need to engage in that behavior because there's no perceived benefit or reward in engaging that behavior.
00:10:07.500 Gossip is one of them.
00:10:09.140 Drama is one of them.
00:10:10.420 A lot of people get into gossip and drama.
00:10:12.680 I'm not interested because I just don't see a positive benefit.
00:10:17.100 But if I know gossip and drama are not healthy for me, but I still engage in it, then there's something I'm getting for it.
00:10:23.520 Maybe it's a sense of belonging.
00:10:25.660 Maybe it's a sense of being in the know and being part of the group.
00:10:29.540 Maybe it's a sense of feeling better than somebody else because I'm currently bashing that person and putting them down.
00:10:35.220 There's reasons we do it, and you need to figure out what it is.
00:10:38.800 Once you do, then we can start to move into the next step, which I have for you here today.
00:10:42.780 Now, typically, I'm going to give you like the three-part formula and all that kind of stuff, and I'm happy to share what has worked for me.
00:10:48.840 But what I want to do today is I want to share, I think I've got seven or eight.
00:10:52.820 One, two, three, four, eight questions.
00:10:55.820 I have eight questions that you can ask yourself in a moment of weakness.
00:11:02.140 Eight questions that you can try to identify the answers to when you're feeling tempted to engage in behavior you've already identified is not working for you.
00:11:11.120 And I'm not going to give you the answer to these questions.
00:11:15.520 Those aren't my questions to answer.
00:11:17.260 They're my questions to answer for myself, and I do, and I will continue to do that.
00:11:22.360 But I want you to write these questions out because these are questions that you can ask yourself that are going to help you move away from bad decisions in the moment and also habitually moving forward.
00:11:37.240 So let's get into these eight questions.
00:11:39.000 Okay, number one, why is it important that I stop this behavior?
00:11:47.120 Again, write these down if you can.
00:11:48.920 Why is it important that I stop this behavior?
00:11:52.080 Simon Sinek wrote a great book probably 10 plus years ago at this point called Start With Why.
00:11:58.700 And I know the whole idea of what is your why has become worn out and bored and overused.
00:12:05.480 But guys, I'm telling you, if you know why you're trying to make changes in your life in the moments of temptation, you can rely on that answer.
00:12:13.120 Okay, why is it important that I stop this behavior if we're talking about pornography, for example?
00:12:19.440 Well, part of it is that you just want to honor your commitment to your wife.
00:12:23.620 Another part might be that you want to honor women generally.
00:12:27.660 Another part might be that you feel like you're a protector not only of yourself and other people but women.
00:12:32.600 And so that is at odds with your personal belief.
00:12:37.040 There's a lot of reasons why you might want to stop that behavior.
00:12:40.320 I think the strongest is going to be whatever is going to help you avoid the behavior.
00:12:45.020 So if you're remembering your wedding vows and your sole purpose of, you know, stopping pornography is because you want to honor your wedding vows and honor your wife, then I think that's probably a pretty compelling reason.
00:12:58.580 Again, these aren't mine to decide, but I would imagine that that's going to be useful for you.
00:13:04.000 And if in the moment of temptation, when you see an attractive woman on Instagram or you see a pornographic image or video, you can go back to that and say, okay, yeah, this is tempting right now.
00:13:16.260 And I know what the cue is.
00:13:18.020 I know what the behavior is.
00:13:19.140 And I know what the reward is.
00:13:21.360 But I also want to honor my vows.
00:13:23.800 I want to honor my wife.
00:13:24.980 I want to honor women.
00:13:25.940 And so I'm going to refrain from this behavior.
00:13:28.900 So again, why is it important that I stop?
00:13:30.760 Number two, why am I tempted by this behavior?
00:13:36.680 What is it that I'm getting from being engaged in this?
00:13:40.320 If it's pornography, maybe it's getting off.
00:13:42.800 It might also be a sense of belonging or validation from women. 1.00
00:13:46.040 If it's gambling, it might be an element of risk infused into your life.
00:13:50.100 It might be that you're down and out and think that, you know, maybe I can just get lucky.
00:13:56.620 And if I'm lucky, then my wildest dreams will come true and I'll turn the tide of my life.
00:14:00.760 But why exactly am I tempted by this behavior in particular?
00:14:06.200 And I would actually dive a little deeper into that one and ask myself, where did I learn this behavior?
00:14:12.420 Was I introduced to pornography at an early age?
00:14:15.260 Was I sexually molested when I was a child?
00:14:18.400 And so it introduced me to sexual perversion when it comes to gambling.
00:14:24.440 Did I see that somewhere in my life?
00:14:26.360 Did I win the lottery at some point or win one of those scratch-off tickets?
00:14:30.880 I don't know much about gambling because that isn't a temptation of mine.
00:14:34.520 But, you know, I won a little scratch-off ticket and therefore I thought, well, this could be really cool.
00:14:38.780 If I do this again, then I can have something else.
00:14:41.420 Is it greed or jealousy or envy?
00:14:45.020 Like what is it that's tempting you to engage in this behavior?
00:14:48.740 If you know that, then that's the cue, right?
00:14:50.920 You know what's causing that belief and that behavior for you.
00:14:56.300 Number three, what reward am I getting from this behavior?
00:15:01.840 So when my wife, for example, or your wife says something that you're not excited about or happy about,
00:15:09.980 instead of being a rational, loving husband, you decide to lash out and yell and argue.
00:15:15.540 And I've been on that side of the equation too.
00:15:18.280 What could we possibly be getting from that?
00:15:20.900 Well, a sense of control, right?
00:15:24.000 We feel like things are out of control.
00:15:25.760 Maybe she did something that you didn't agree with or did something that, you know,
00:15:30.180 hurts the family financial situation.
00:15:32.440 And you guys weren't real clear on what that would look like.
00:15:34.660 Or maybe she did something that is objectively wrong of her to do.
00:15:40.620 But you can't control another person.
00:15:42.580 And so what do you do?
00:15:43.400 You try to control and wrestle the situation by yelling or arguing or screaming or maybe even being violent.
00:15:50.400 And so the reward is, and you know, logically, it's not right.
00:15:54.460 But the reward, even subconsciously, that you're getting from that is I have control back.
00:16:01.200 People listen to me.
00:16:02.360 Maybe that's even a sense of authority.
00:16:05.120 Maybe as a child, you had no control to make any sort of autonomous decisions on your own.
00:16:09.500 And so now that you're an adult, you're going to wrestle even violently if you have to for control of your own sovereignty and autonomy.
00:16:17.700 And you can do that in a healthy way, but you've learned to do that if this situation applies in an unhealthy way.
00:16:25.640 But once we know why we're doing the thing, then we can actually replace the behavior with something else.
00:16:30.940 And I'm going to get to that in a minute.
00:16:32.040 So number four, and I'm just going to write four here because I don't want to lose my spot.
00:16:38.820 Number four is, what is the cost to me if I do not stop this behavior?
00:16:46.100 Maybe if you're engaging in illegal drugs and substances, the cost could be criminal penalties.
00:16:54.940 Maybe if you're drinking and driving, the cost could be that you have your kids in the car and you guys get into an accident and you kill your children or you kill someone else.
00:17:05.720 If it's gambling, the cost could potentially be that not only do not win, but you end up losing everything and taking out a second mortgage on your house and then at some point losing the house.
00:17:17.320 If it's not communicating properly in a healthy, loving way with your wife, the cost could potentially be that she decides I'm out and I'm not interested in this anymore.
00:17:29.300 And then you'll find yourself alone and again, out of control, which is what you were trying to wrestle for in the first place.
00:17:35.260 These negative behaviors, we think subconsciously they're going to get us what we need and they actually might in the short term, but in the long term, they're actually antithetical to what we want.
00:17:47.140 So if you want control in the relationship and so you're taking a hard line stance and you're a total and complete jerk and maybe even you yell and you shout and you scream and possibly even violent because you want control, she's going to leave you and she's going to take the kids.
00:18:05.540 And that is antithetical to what you want, which is control over your family.
00:18:09.600 So what's the more healthy approach to speak to her in a loving, kind way?
00:18:14.520 If there's a misunderstanding, clarification, if there's a disagreement, helping her in a, again, respectful way to see your side of the equation, to try to understand her side of the equation.
00:18:26.580 And what's beautiful about that is that by doing it in a healthy way, and look, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have control of your life.
00:18:33.320 That's the thing about these rewards.
00:18:35.540 There's nothing wrong with a man who yells, who wants to have control over his life.
00:18:41.220 Having control over your life is a good thing.
00:18:43.060 It might be a little bit of a charade.
00:18:46.580 You know, you don't have complete control, but wanting to have some control is not bad.
00:18:51.160 If it's engaged in pornography and you think, well, I just want to be intimately connected with a woman, that's not a bad thing.
00:18:57.480 That's fine.
00:18:58.980 You've just chosen an unhealthy route to get to what you want.
00:19:03.380 And if you do it in an unhealthy way, you'll meet the immediate need, which, again, if it comes to pornography is just getting off and feeling like these women, you know, are attracted to you.
00:19:14.700 It's the same guy who thinks that the waitress, because she's being nice, is attracted to him.
00:19:18.900 It's not really the case, but you're equating the two as, I got off, I feel good, I like what she is and what her body looks like or how she performs, and so, you know, we have a connection.
00:19:30.840 No, you don't.
00:19:32.160 But that's what your mind is telling you.
00:19:34.000 So, again, what is the cost?
00:19:37.500 And I want you to get granular on this.
00:19:40.920 What is the cost if you do not stop engaging this behavior?
00:19:46.680 All right, number five, and this is a little bit opposite of what I just said here, but what will I gain if I refrain from this behavior?
00:19:56.800 So, if, again, we'll go back to pornography.
00:19:58.940 I know this is a big one for a lot of guys.
00:20:00.320 And, by the way, a couple of additional resources is fightthenewdrug.org, I believe it is, and the other one is a friend of mine.
00:20:06.120 His name is Sethia Sam, S-A-T-H-I-Y-A, Sethia Sam, and he's got a podcast and a lot of great resources on overcoming pornography addiction.
00:20:19.680 But the question here is, what will I gain if I refrain from this behavior?
00:20:23.360 So, let's say you refrain from engaging in pornography.
00:20:26.580 I think the immediate reward, let's talk about a couple.
00:20:32.080 Number one is you'll stop objectifying women.
00:20:35.940 I know that at times in my life, I have looked at pornography.
00:20:39.920 It hasn't always been a huge issue of mine, but I have.
00:20:42.580 And what I noticed is that when I was engaged in that behavior, I started to objectify women. 0.97
00:20:49.560 I would go into the grocery store and I'd see women, and I wouldn't think kindly of them or respectfully of them. 1.00
00:20:54.540 I would think poorly of them, negatively of them.
00:20:57.800 I would think of them in a sexual way.
00:20:59.780 And so, when you stop engaging in pornography, number one is you're going to start treating people of the opposite sex with a little bit more respect, the respect that they actually deserve.
00:21:10.400 Another benefit of stopping engaging in pornography is that you're going to have a deeper, more meaningful, and even physically intimate connection with your wife.
00:21:23.760 Part of the problem of engaging in pornography is now you have this warped, twisted version of what intimacy actually looks like.
00:21:30.860 And then these people, these actors, and that's what they are, are engaging in these movie scenes, and you're seeing it and thinking, well, that's real life.
00:21:39.300 But your wife doesn't necessarily look like that bimbo that you like. 1.00
00:21:43.660 She doesn't necessarily do all the things that your guilty pleasures say that you like. 1.00
00:21:48.920 And so, you are going to objectify her by asking her to do things that maybe she's not comfortable with, or put her in compromising positions, and not treating her with the dignity that a human being deserves.
00:22:03.340 And not to mention, you start forgetting what love is, and you start equating love with sexual perversion.
00:22:11.400 That's a problem.
00:22:12.540 And so, you're going to start objectifying her.
00:22:14.900 So, the immediate rewards are, stop objectifying women, have a deeper, more lasting connection with your wife, and maybe from a religious standpoint, is be closer connected to God.
00:22:27.540 You know, I know there's a lot of religious, spiritual people who know they shouldn't be engaged in certain behavior, and they are.
00:22:33.460 And so, what they end up doing is putting up this barrier between themselves and their creator.
00:22:39.780 And then they wonder why they don't have the spirituality that they once did.
00:22:43.240 It's because you put up all these walls.
00:22:45.460 You put up a brick wall between you and God, and therefore, you don't have the same level of access or understanding to Him as you did before.
00:22:53.620 When we strip away these temptations and these negative behaviors, we start pulling that wall down brick by brick, and then that voice becomes louder, and we start making better choices in our lives.
00:23:04.220 All right, let's move on to number six.
00:23:05.640 This one's crucial.
00:23:07.360 This one really resonates with me because when we engage in these behaviors, it's usually for short-term gratification.
00:23:14.740 So, if we know that we're going to achieve short-term gratification by engaging in these negative habits, whether it's drinking or pornography or drugs or smoking or gambling or any addiction or gluttony or laziness, procrastination, et cetera, we know we're going to get a quick hit.
00:23:31.000 Like, we know we're going to feel good immediately.
00:23:33.700 When I was in the throes of my drinking, I knew I was going to feel bad later that night or the next morning, but that wasn't – that was a price at the time I was willing to pay because I didn't know these questions.
00:23:44.120 I was willing to pay that price because I needed immediate relief now, like exactly this minute.
00:23:54.840 So, my whole goal with drinking was get whatever I can into my body as quick as I can that will get me the drunkest, the fastest for the lowest cost.
00:24:04.380 I'm very pragmatic, even in my vices.
00:24:09.160 That was the goal.
00:24:10.280 So, if that's the goal, immediate gratification with any of these temptations we're talking about, then we can actually use that to our advantage by asking this question.
00:24:19.460 What can I do instead right now?
00:24:25.160 What can I do instead right now?
00:24:27.140 A lot of the times, it's just getting yourself out of the environment, right?
00:24:30.720 Those were the cues.
00:24:32.700 You're alone.
00:24:34.360 You saw an image on Instagram.
00:24:35.740 That led you to thinking more about a woman's body, which led you down the path of other films and pictures you've seen, and therefore, you get engaged in the behavior.
00:24:46.240 It's just – it's a slippery slope.
00:24:49.040 In that moment, what can you do instead?
00:24:51.600 Primarily, the answer for any of these is get around people who don't engage or condone that type of behavior.
00:24:58.080 Just get around people in general because you're not going to rub one out with a group of your buddies, right?
00:25:03.980 If you go hang out with a bunch of buddies who are sober, you're not going to go order a drink at the bar.
00:25:09.460 So, the best thing that you can do is get yourself out of the environment and strip away the cue that was causing you to create that problem in the first place.
00:25:19.680 What can you do right this minute that will keep you from deviating on your goals and objectives?
00:25:27.020 All right, number seven, and this is along the same lines, but this is more of a long-term thought here.
00:25:34.360 What protocols can I create to reduce the temptation in the future?
00:25:40.260 What protocols can I create to reduce the temptation in the future?
00:25:43.000 So, if it's drinking, the first thing you need to do is you need to get rid of all the booze in your house.
00:25:47.620 If it's pornography, maybe you need to put up some certain controls inside of your home with regards to internet, internet blockers or things like this.
00:26:00.880 What protocols can I put in place that will reduce the temptation?
00:26:04.240 Because a lot of people talk about discipline, guys.
00:26:06.460 That's a big buzzword in the self-help industry, especially with men.
00:26:10.000 Discipline, discipline, discipline.
00:26:11.200 A lot of the times I equate discipline with willpower, and I'm not saying it's wrong.
00:26:16.400 I'm not saying there isn't a place for it.
00:26:17.840 There certainly is.
00:26:19.300 But we know through study that our willpower is fleeting.
00:26:23.900 Our willpower is usually the strongest in the morning when we've had the most rest and we have the most clarity.
00:26:29.140 But throughout the day, our willpower wanes.
00:26:31.940 And if that's the case, then we're not going to be as disciplined in the afternoon or evening as we potentially could have been in the morning.
00:26:39.400 So how do we overcome this?
00:26:41.420 Protocols, systems, tools, resources.
00:26:46.160 If I, so for example, this is going to be an extreme example, but it'll illustrate the point.
00:26:52.000 If I want to drink and I have no booze in the house, there is no liquor store or convenience store in the area.
00:27:01.820 And even if there were, I don't have a car to get there and it's too far to walk.
00:27:06.960 Am I being disciplined by refraining from drinking?
00:27:09.980 I would argue, no, it's not discipline.
00:27:12.460 It's just not available to you.
00:27:14.740 So, and that's not bad, by the way.
00:27:18.860 That's actually a really good protocol to ensure that you're not going to engage in behavior that you don't want to engage in.
00:27:24.980 And a lot of people actually, believe it or not, will say it's weak.
00:27:27.220 Oh, it's weak.
00:27:27.780 If you can't, and I heard this all the time when I was trying to stop drinking, guys would say, well, if you can't just have one drink and stop there, you're weak.
00:27:34.100 Like, call it whatever you want.
00:27:36.600 I really don't care what you call it.
00:27:38.620 What I care about is not engaging in that behavior that's going to distract me from what I want most and actually, in most cases, put me in a worse situation.
00:27:48.060 I don't care if you call it weak.
00:27:50.260 What I care about is not engaging in the behavior.
00:27:53.140 I don't think it's weak to use the tools at your disposal and to create systems and processes that are going to keep you away from doing the things that aren't going to serve you and move you closer towards the things that are.
00:28:07.600 That, to me, isn't weakness.
00:28:09.140 You can frame it like that if you want, but that has no bearing or relevancy in the way that I improve my own life.
00:28:17.360 So what systems can you put in place?
00:28:19.700 If you're tempted to scream and shout when things don't go your way, maybe a simple system is, hey, when I feel my blood boiling, I don't communicate when my blood is boiling.
00:28:31.480 So I'm going to take a step back.
00:28:33.560 I'm going to go do something else, and then I'll come back and I'll revisit whatever it is I'm dealing with.
00:28:38.820 That's a very simple system.
00:28:40.280 If it's gambling, then you shut down the sites that are like you get rid of the DraftKings app and all this kind of stuff.
00:28:48.420 That's causing you to make bad decisions.
00:28:50.100 Maybe you don't go to the game.
00:28:51.380 Maybe you don't go to Vegas or the res or wherever you're doing your gambling.
00:28:55.700 You just stay away from those places altogether.
00:28:58.820 Now, it might take a little bit of willpower to stay away from the place, but there's no willpower in you not engaging the behavior if it's not even available to you.
00:29:07.300 It's kind of interesting.
00:29:08.320 I've gone on a lot of hunts over the years, the past nine or ten years now, and you know when I miss my phone is when I have it with me and I have access to the things I have on my phone, whether it's social media, texting, phone calls, et cetera, and I just am trying not to.
00:29:27.060 That's when I miss my phone.
00:29:28.200 But you know when I don't miss my phone, when I'm out on a hunt and I don't have service or I forgot my cell phone back at the hunt club or the lodge, I might miss it immediately, but after a short term, it's like I don't even miss it.
00:29:42.200 Like I'm not missing out on anything because it's not available to me.
00:29:46.440 We only miss things that we know are available that are within our reach.
00:29:49.700 Once we know it's without our reach and we can't do anything about it, the desire, the temptation is reduced, and this is the power of protocols.
00:30:00.740 What protocols can you put in place to help you eliminate or reduce the temptation?
00:30:06.000 And then the last thing here, guys, I want to say, and this is point number eight, this is the eighth question here, is I think I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago.
00:30:14.000 My mom and my grandma as well, when I was growing up, had the phrase, idle hands are the devil's workshop.
00:30:21.760 And I also believe, they didn't say this, but I also equate it this way, is that isolation is the devil's workshop.
00:30:29.340 When you're alone and bored, you are going to be tempted to engage in all sorts of behavior that you have committed to not engaging in.
00:30:38.300 So one of the ways to overcome the idea of isolation and boredom is to have other high caliber, high quality men in your corner.
00:30:47.560 And the question here, number eight, is who can I call right now?
00:30:55.180 Who can I call right now or spend time with even?
00:30:59.720 That would be about the same.
00:31:01.440 I would say that spending time with somebody might even be better than calling, but the point is the same.
00:31:05.820 Get yourself unisolated and unbored as quickly as you possibly can.
00:31:13.600 And by the way, when you call somebody up, you don't need to necessarily say to them, hey, man, I'm really tempted to look at porn right now, and I just wanted to call you, so I didn't.
00:31:23.260 If you want to have that conversation, you can, and maybe you guys have, and you're being accountable to each other, that's fine.
00:31:28.860 You don't even need to do that.
00:31:30.140 Just call up a buddy and say, hey, man, I've been thinking about you.
00:31:33.820 You were on my mind.
00:31:35.800 How's the wife? 0.83
00:31:36.700 How's the kids?
00:31:37.560 How's the business?
00:31:38.500 How's the hobbies?
00:31:39.320 How's the this?
00:31:40.000 How's the that?
00:31:41.060 And just have a conversation.
00:31:44.300 Or better yet, go out and do something.
00:31:46.140 Because once you hang up the phone, that temptation might crawl its way right back into the void that you just left by getting on the phone with a person.
00:31:52.180 So maybe it's, hey, bro, you know, I'd really like to go to the game this weekend.
00:32:00.320 Or, hey, what are you up to?
00:32:02.080 I'm going to go grab, go on a quick hike this afternoon.
00:32:06.020 Want to see if you're interested.
00:32:07.020 Or I'm going to go work out.
00:32:08.140 I know you work out at the same place.
00:32:10.560 You want to go get a workout in.
00:32:12.240 I know that almost sounds funny saying it because we just don't do that as guys.
00:32:18.000 I think generally women are more relational than men.
00:32:20.660 Men are more directional. 0.96
00:32:23.320 But if you can find a way to connect with other men who will work with you, who hold you accountable, maybe they know what you're dealing with.
00:32:30.620 Or maybe they don't.
00:32:31.900 But you're just trying to be around good people to pick up things through osmosis.
00:32:36.280 Then you have to exert yourself and put yourself out there because a lot of other guys aren't going to do it.
00:32:41.400 All the men are sitting around thinking, well, man, I wish I had some buddies.
00:32:45.060 I wish I had some friends.
00:32:46.140 I wish I had some men in my corner that could hold me accountable.
00:32:48.920 Everybody wants the same thing.
00:32:50.020 And very few people are willing to do it.
00:32:51.780 So you got to be the one who's actually going to do it.
00:32:55.000 Yeah, and I know it might feel like it's risky.
00:32:57.140 It's not risky to call up a buddy and say, hey, man, I've been thinking about you.
00:33:00.320 Everything good?
00:33:02.180 Or when appropriate, hey, man, as you know, I've been dealing with drug addiction.
00:33:10.060 And I just wanted to give you a ring and talk about it.
00:33:14.860 I mean, that's why part of part of the reason AA is so powerful because you have sponsors.
00:33:19.940 You know, you can get on the phone with somebody and say, hey, man, I'm struggling right now.
00:33:23.360 I had a bad day.
00:33:25.240 You know, it's getting to me.
00:33:26.500 I'm stressed out.
00:33:27.280 And so I'm thinking about using or I'm thinking about drinking again.
00:33:30.440 And that sponsor, if they're a good sponsor, is going to work you through that, ask you questions and help talk you off that ledge a little bit.
00:33:37.560 That's why that's so powerful, because you actually have people in your corner.
00:33:42.380 You're not bored and you're not isolated.
00:33:45.940 So, man, that's my that's my spiel today.
00:33:48.880 You know, I think we're all engaged in negative habits in our lives to varying degrees and at varying points in our lives as well.
00:33:57.600 And we all know, I think, inherently what is going to serve us and what isn't.
00:34:01.540 And I'm sure many of you, as I have in the past and still do today, wrestle with still engaging in behavior that I know is not going to serve me.
00:34:09.920 It's disruptive.
00:34:10.840 It's destructive.
00:34:12.420 And yet I find myself tempted by some of these things every single day.
00:34:17.300 So I have to have a battle plan and the protocols to ensure that these temptations and the enemy do not take hold, do not take root in my life.
00:34:29.740 And this is the system I've used.
00:34:32.020 So let's recap real quick.
00:34:33.480 Again, we talked about Charles Duhigg's book, The Power of Habit.
00:34:39.120 And we talked about James Clear's book, Atomic Habits.
00:34:43.040 We also talked about the cue, which is the trigger, right?
00:34:46.820 The cue, the actual behavior, and then the reward.
00:34:50.440 And then we went through the eight questions.
00:34:51.980 Again, why is it important I stop this behavior?
00:34:55.420 Why am I tempted by this behavior?
00:34:57.840 What reward am I getting from this behavior?
00:35:02.660 What is the cost if I do not stop this behavior?
00:35:07.100 Alternatively, what will I gain if I refrain from this behavior?
00:35:11.060 What can I do instead right now?
00:35:14.020 What protocols can I create to reduce the temptation?
00:35:17.280 And then point number eight is who can I call right now to help?
00:35:20.940 And on that last note, I do want to say to you that our brotherhood, the Iron Council, is open.
00:35:26.940 We have a sobriety channel in there.
00:35:28.820 We have an overcoming pornography addiction channel in there.
00:35:32.500 And we have a separation divorce channel, firearms channel, hunting and a fishing channel, fatherhood channel, health and fitness, entrepreneurship, finances.
00:35:43.940 We've got it all.
00:35:44.740 And what those channels are, are curated conversations by channel moderators and the participants of that channel talking about issues that are relevant to them.
00:35:54.540 A lot of the times when you join some of these men's groups or these masterminds, everybody's supposed to be talking about the same thing.
00:36:00.940 And we certainly have that.
00:36:01.820 We do talk about a similar topic collectively together each month.
00:36:05.860 But you're also able to customize your experience based on what you need.
00:36:10.560 So if you're struggling in your marriage right now, then you can consider joining us, talking about what our monthly topics are.
00:36:16.180 But then you can dive deep into the marriage, separation and divorce channel to really figure out what do I do in this time?
00:36:23.660 Or how do I have a thriving marriage?
00:36:25.960 If you're trying to get your finances in order, do the team stuff, do the monthly topic stuff, but also do a deep dive into the finance and entrepreneurship channel.
00:36:34.700 Because these are men who are doing it and men that have questions and men that have ideas and you can be accountable to these people.
00:36:40.680 So when we talk about question number eight, who do I call?
00:36:43.700 And another question, what can I be doing right now?
00:36:47.160 This is a great path for you and you can check it out.
00:36:49.620 It's open right now until the end of the month.
00:36:51.220 We're closing it down very quickly.
00:36:52.860 And we've got a lot of good people in there right now who just joined.
00:36:55.840 You can do that at order of man.com slash iron council.
00:37:00.120 All right, guys, that's what I've got for you today.
00:37:02.080 If you have any questions, thoughts, considerations, ideas, or even recommendations for future podcast guests, hit me up.
00:37:08.640 I think the best place to do that would be on Instagram.
00:37:11.280 That's where I'm most active, at Ryan Mickler.
00:37:14.620 And that's what I've got for you today.
00:37:16.820 We are going to be back next week.
00:37:18.600 We're talking about how to build our testosterone levels and optimize our hormones naturally in a safe, natural way with somebody who's very, very qualified to talk with us about it.
00:37:29.540 And that's going to be released on Tuesday.
00:37:31.240 So subscribe.
00:37:32.200 Again, check out the Iron Council, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.
00:37:36.100 And until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:37:44.760 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:37:47.760 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?
00:37:51.420 We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.