In this episode, Ryan talks about the importance of breaking bad habits and how to replace them with more constructive ones. He also shares some tips from the books The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and Atomic Habits by James Clear.
00:05:42.400And logically, we as men know, and I think we're logical creatures sometimes,
00:05:47.140but we're also driven largely by our emotions and even subconscious thoughts and ideas that we're not even fully aware of.
00:05:53.960But you would not engage in whatever behavior we're talking about,
00:05:59.540whether it's gambling or drinking or drugs or pornography or procrastination and laziness,
00:06:08.080or one that I often see with a lot of men is anger and lashing out and yelling and maybe even being violent.
00:06:15.560There's a lot of negative habits that a lot of us engage in, and it's giving us something.
00:06:21.760For example, if you react to negative news or hard circumstances with anger and you lash out,
00:06:29.640the reward might feel that you get some sense of control back over your life, and that's the reward for you.
00:06:37.580If it's drinking and you drink because the cue is high anxiety and stress about the day and the behavior is drinking,
00:06:44.560then the reward is being able at least temporarily to check out, zone out, tune out, and be drunk
00:06:51.320so you don't have to worry about the high stress and anxiety of the day.
00:06:55.580If it's pornography, the cue might be that you see an attractive woman walking down the street
00:07:02.740or somebody that you work with or you see an image on Instagram.
00:07:06.200And so the behavior then is I'm going to look at more pornographic images or videos,
00:07:10.880and the reward is maybe it's some sort of connection, intimate connection that you're looking for.
00:07:17.280Maybe it's a sense of validation from women, and that's the reward for you.
00:07:23.180So guys, we need to know and be intimately familiar.
00:07:26.540This all operates at a subconscious level, and that's the problem is that you don't even know why you're doing the things that you're doing.
00:07:33.000And so you're letting your default emotions, past experiences, experiences from even decades ago,
00:07:40.900control your life without you even knowing it.
00:07:42.940And you'll say, and I've said it too, that you're in complete control.
00:07:46.200Well, if you don't know these three factors, then you're not.
00:10:25.660Maybe it's a sense of being in the know and being part of the group.
00:10:29.540Maybe it's a sense of feeling better than somebody else because I'm currently bashing that person and putting them down.
00:10:35.220There's reasons we do it, and you need to figure out what it is.
00:10:38.800Once you do, then we can start to move into the next step, which I have for you here today.
00:10:42.780Now, typically, I'm going to give you like the three-part formula and all that kind of stuff, and I'm happy to share what has worked for me.
00:10:48.840But what I want to do today is I want to share, I think I've got seven or eight.
00:10:55.820I have eight questions that you can ask yourself in a moment of weakness.
00:11:02.140Eight questions that you can try to identify the answers to when you're feeling tempted to engage in behavior you've already identified is not working for you.
00:11:11.120And I'm not going to give you the answer to these questions.
00:11:17.260They're my questions to answer for myself, and I do, and I will continue to do that.
00:11:22.360But I want you to write these questions out because these are questions that you can ask yourself that are going to help you move away from bad decisions in the moment and also habitually moving forward.
00:11:37.240So let's get into these eight questions.
00:11:39.000Okay, number one, why is it important that I stop this behavior?
00:11:48.920Why is it important that I stop this behavior?
00:11:52.080Simon Sinek wrote a great book probably 10 plus years ago at this point called Start With Why.
00:11:58.700And I know the whole idea of what is your why has become worn out and bored and overused.
00:12:05.480But guys, I'm telling you, if you know why you're trying to make changes in your life in the moments of temptation, you can rely on that answer.
00:12:13.120Okay, why is it important that I stop this behavior if we're talking about pornography, for example?
00:12:19.440Well, part of it is that you just want to honor your commitment to your wife.
00:12:23.620Another part might be that you want to honor women generally.
00:12:27.660Another part might be that you feel like you're a protector not only of yourself and other people but women.
00:12:32.600And so that is at odds with your personal belief.
00:12:37.040There's a lot of reasons why you might want to stop that behavior.
00:12:40.320I think the strongest is going to be whatever is going to help you avoid the behavior.
00:12:45.020So if you're remembering your wedding vows and your sole purpose of, you know, stopping pornography is because you want to honor your wedding vows and honor your wife, then I think that's probably a pretty compelling reason.
00:12:58.580Again, these aren't mine to decide, but I would imagine that that's going to be useful for you.
00:13:04.000And if in the moment of temptation, when you see an attractive woman on Instagram or you see a pornographic image or video, you can go back to that and say, okay, yeah, this is tempting right now.
00:16:02.360Maybe that's even a sense of authority.
00:16:05.120Maybe as a child, you had no control to make any sort of autonomous decisions on your own.
00:16:09.500And so now that you're an adult, you're going to wrestle even violently if you have to for control of your own sovereignty and autonomy.
00:16:17.700And you can do that in a healthy way, but you've learned to do that if this situation applies in an unhealthy way.
00:16:25.640But once we know why we're doing the thing, then we can actually replace the behavior with something else.
00:16:30.940And I'm going to get to that in a minute.
00:16:32.040So number four, and I'm just going to write four here because I don't want to lose my spot.
00:16:38.820Number four is, what is the cost to me if I do not stop this behavior?
00:16:46.100Maybe if you're engaging in illegal drugs and substances, the cost could be criminal penalties.
00:16:54.940Maybe if you're drinking and driving, the cost could be that you have your kids in the car and you guys get into an accident and you kill your children or you kill someone else.
00:17:05.720If it's gambling, the cost could potentially be that not only do not win, but you end up losing everything and taking out a second mortgage on your house and then at some point losing the house.
00:17:17.320If it's not communicating properly in a healthy, loving way with your wife, the cost could potentially be that she decides I'm out and I'm not interested in this anymore.
00:17:29.300And then you'll find yourself alone and again, out of control, which is what you were trying to wrestle for in the first place.
00:17:35.260These negative behaviors, we think subconsciously they're going to get us what we need and they actually might in the short term, but in the long term, they're actually antithetical to what we want.
00:17:47.140So if you want control in the relationship and so you're taking a hard line stance and you're a total and complete jerk and maybe even you yell and you shout and you scream and possibly even violent because you want control, she's going to leave you and she's going to take the kids.
00:18:05.540And that is antithetical to what you want, which is control over your family.
00:18:09.600So what's the more healthy approach to speak to her in a loving, kind way?
00:18:14.520If there's a misunderstanding, clarification, if there's a disagreement, helping her in a, again, respectful way to see your side of the equation, to try to understand her side of the equation.
00:18:26.580And what's beautiful about that is that by doing it in a healthy way, and look, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have control of your life.
00:18:58.980You've just chosen an unhealthy route to get to what you want.
00:19:03.380And if you do it in an unhealthy way, you'll meet the immediate need, which, again, if it comes to pornography is just getting off and feeling like these women, you know, are attracted to you.
00:19:14.700It's the same guy who thinks that the waitress, because she's being nice, is attracted to him.
00:19:18.900It's not really the case, but you're equating the two as, I got off, I feel good, I like what she is and what her body looks like or how she performs, and so, you know, we have a connection.
00:19:37.500And I want you to get granular on this.
00:19:40.920What is the cost if you do not stop engaging this behavior?
00:19:46.680All right, number five, and this is a little bit opposite of what I just said here, but what will I gain if I refrain from this behavior?
00:19:56.800So, if, again, we'll go back to pornography.
00:19:58.940I know this is a big one for a lot of guys.
00:20:00.320And, by the way, a couple of additional resources is fightthenewdrug.org, I believe it is, and the other one is a friend of mine.
00:20:06.120His name is Sethia Sam, S-A-T-H-I-Y-A, Sethia Sam, and he's got a podcast and a lot of great resources on overcoming pornography addiction.
00:20:19.680But the question here is, what will I gain if I refrain from this behavior?
00:20:23.360So, let's say you refrain from engaging in pornography.
00:20:26.580I think the immediate reward, let's talk about a couple.
00:20:32.080Number one is you'll stop objectifying women.
00:20:35.940I know that at times in my life, I have looked at pornography.
00:20:39.920It hasn't always been a huge issue of mine, but I have.
00:20:42.580And what I noticed is that when I was engaged in that behavior, I started to objectify women.
00:20:49.560I would go into the grocery store and I'd see women, and I wouldn't think kindly of them or respectfully of them.
00:20:54.540I would think poorly of them, negatively of them.
00:20:57.800I would think of them in a sexual way.
00:20:59.780And so, when you stop engaging in pornography, number one is you're going to start treating people of the opposite sex with a little bit more respect, the respect that they actually deserve.
00:21:10.400Another benefit of stopping engaging in pornography is that you're going to have a deeper, more meaningful, and even physically intimate connection with your wife.
00:21:23.760Part of the problem of engaging in pornography is now you have this warped, twisted version of what intimacy actually looks like.
00:21:30.860And then these people, these actors, and that's what they are, are engaging in these movie scenes, and you're seeing it and thinking, well, that's real life.
00:21:39.300But your wife doesn't necessarily look like that bimbo that you like.
00:21:43.660She doesn't necessarily do all the things that your guilty pleasures say that you like.
00:21:48.920And so, you are going to objectify her by asking her to do things that maybe she's not comfortable with, or put her in compromising positions, and not treating her with the dignity that a human being deserves.
00:22:03.340And not to mention, you start forgetting what love is, and you start equating love with sexual perversion.
00:22:12.540And so, you're going to start objectifying her.
00:22:14.900So, the immediate rewards are, stop objectifying women, have a deeper, more lasting connection with your wife, and maybe from a religious standpoint, is be closer connected to God.
00:22:27.540You know, I know there's a lot of religious, spiritual people who know they shouldn't be engaged in certain behavior, and they are.
00:22:33.460And so, what they end up doing is putting up this barrier between themselves and their creator.
00:22:39.780And then they wonder why they don't have the spirituality that they once did.
00:22:43.240It's because you put up all these walls.
00:22:45.460You put up a brick wall between you and God, and therefore, you don't have the same level of access or understanding to Him as you did before.
00:22:53.620When we strip away these temptations and these negative behaviors, we start pulling that wall down brick by brick, and then that voice becomes louder, and we start making better choices in our lives.
00:23:04.220All right, let's move on to number six.
00:23:07.360This one really resonates with me because when we engage in these behaviors, it's usually for short-term gratification.
00:23:14.740So, if we know that we're going to achieve short-term gratification by engaging in these negative habits, whether it's drinking or pornography or drugs or smoking or gambling or any addiction or gluttony or laziness, procrastination, et cetera, we know we're going to get a quick hit.
00:23:31.000Like, we know we're going to feel good immediately.
00:23:33.700When I was in the throes of my drinking, I knew I was going to feel bad later that night or the next morning, but that wasn't – that was a price at the time I was willing to pay because I didn't know these questions.
00:23:44.120I was willing to pay that price because I needed immediate relief now, like exactly this minute.
00:23:54.840So, my whole goal with drinking was get whatever I can into my body as quick as I can that will get me the drunkest, the fastest for the lowest cost.
00:24:10.280So, if that's the goal, immediate gratification with any of these temptations we're talking about, then we can actually use that to our advantage by asking this question.
00:24:35.740That led you to thinking more about a woman's body, which led you down the path of other films and pictures you've seen, and therefore, you get engaged in the behavior.
00:24:49.040In that moment, what can you do instead?
00:24:51.600Primarily, the answer for any of these is get around people who don't engage or condone that type of behavior.
00:24:58.080Just get around people in general because you're not going to rub one out with a group of your buddies, right?
00:25:03.980If you go hang out with a bunch of buddies who are sober, you're not going to go order a drink at the bar.
00:25:09.460So, the best thing that you can do is get yourself out of the environment and strip away the cue that was causing you to create that problem in the first place.
00:25:19.680What can you do right this minute that will keep you from deviating on your goals and objectives?
00:25:27.020All right, number seven, and this is along the same lines, but this is more of a long-term thought here.
00:25:34.360What protocols can I create to reduce the temptation in the future?
00:25:40.260What protocols can I create to reduce the temptation in the future?
00:25:43.000So, if it's drinking, the first thing you need to do is you need to get rid of all the booze in your house.
00:25:47.620If it's pornography, maybe you need to put up some certain controls inside of your home with regards to internet, internet blockers or things like this.
00:26:00.880What protocols can I put in place that will reduce the temptation?
00:26:04.240Because a lot of people talk about discipline, guys.
00:26:06.460That's a big buzzword in the self-help industry, especially with men.
00:26:19.300But we know through study that our willpower is fleeting.
00:26:23.900Our willpower is usually the strongest in the morning when we've had the most rest and we have the most clarity.
00:26:29.140But throughout the day, our willpower wanes.
00:26:31.940And if that's the case, then we're not going to be as disciplined in the afternoon or evening as we potentially could have been in the morning.
00:27:27.780If you can't, and I heard this all the time when I was trying to stop drinking, guys would say, well, if you can't just have one drink and stop there, you're weak.
00:27:38.620What I care about is not engaging in that behavior that's going to distract me from what I want most and actually, in most cases, put me in a worse situation.
00:27:50.260What I care about is not engaging in the behavior.
00:27:53.140I don't think it's weak to use the tools at your disposal and to create systems and processes that are going to keep you away from doing the things that aren't going to serve you and move you closer towards the things that are.
00:28:19.700If you're tempted to scream and shout when things don't go your way, maybe a simple system is, hey, when I feel my blood boiling, I don't communicate when my blood is boiling.
00:28:51.380Maybe you don't go to Vegas or the res or wherever you're doing your gambling.
00:28:55.700You just stay away from those places altogether.
00:28:58.820Now, it might take a little bit of willpower to stay away from the place, but there's no willpower in you not engaging the behavior if it's not even available to you.
00:29:08.320I've gone on a lot of hunts over the years, the past nine or ten years now, and you know when I miss my phone is when I have it with me and I have access to the things I have on my phone, whether it's social media, texting, phone calls, et cetera, and I just am trying not to.
00:29:28.200But you know when I don't miss my phone, when I'm out on a hunt and I don't have service or I forgot my cell phone back at the hunt club or the lodge, I might miss it immediately, but after a short term, it's like I don't even miss it.
00:29:42.200Like I'm not missing out on anything because it's not available to me.
00:29:46.440We only miss things that we know are available that are within our reach.
00:29:49.700Once we know it's without our reach and we can't do anything about it, the desire, the temptation is reduced, and this is the power of protocols.
00:30:00.740What protocols can you put in place to help you eliminate or reduce the temptation?
00:30:06.000And then the last thing here, guys, I want to say, and this is point number eight, this is the eighth question here, is I think I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago.
00:30:14.000My mom and my grandma as well, when I was growing up, had the phrase, idle hands are the devil's workshop.
00:30:21.760And I also believe, they didn't say this, but I also equate it this way, is that isolation is the devil's workshop.
00:30:29.340When you're alone and bored, you are going to be tempted to engage in all sorts of behavior that you have committed to not engaging in.
00:30:38.300So one of the ways to overcome the idea of isolation and boredom is to have other high caliber, high quality men in your corner.
00:30:47.560And the question here, number eight, is who can I call right now?
00:30:55.180Who can I call right now or spend time with even?
00:31:01.440I would say that spending time with somebody might even be better than calling, but the point is the same.
00:31:05.820Get yourself unisolated and unbored as quickly as you possibly can.
00:31:13.600And by the way, when you call somebody up, you don't need to necessarily say to them, hey, man, I'm really tempted to look at porn right now, and I just wanted to call you, so I didn't.
00:31:23.260If you want to have that conversation, you can, and maybe you guys have, and you're being accountable to each other, that's fine.
00:31:44.300Or better yet, go out and do something.
00:31:46.140Because once you hang up the phone, that temptation might crawl its way right back into the void that you just left by getting on the phone with a person.
00:31:52.180So maybe it's, hey, bro, you know, I'd really like to go to the game this weekend.
00:32:23.320But if you can find a way to connect with other men who will work with you, who hold you accountable, maybe they know what you're dealing with.
00:33:27.280And so I'm thinking about using or I'm thinking about drinking again.
00:33:30.440And that sponsor, if they're a good sponsor, is going to work you through that, ask you questions and help talk you off that ledge a little bit.
00:33:37.560That's why that's so powerful, because you actually have people in your corner.
00:33:42.380You're not bored and you're not isolated.
00:33:45.940So, man, that's my that's my spiel today.
00:33:48.880You know, I think we're all engaged in negative habits in our lives to varying degrees and at varying points in our lives as well.
00:33:57.600And we all know, I think, inherently what is going to serve us and what isn't.
00:34:01.540And I'm sure many of you, as I have in the past and still do today, wrestle with still engaging in behavior that I know is not going to serve me.
00:34:12.420And yet I find myself tempted by some of these things every single day.
00:34:17.300So I have to have a battle plan and the protocols to ensure that these temptations and the enemy do not take hold, do not take root in my life.
00:35:28.820We have an overcoming pornography addiction channel in there.
00:35:32.500And we have a separation divorce channel, firearms channel, hunting and a fishing channel, fatherhood channel, health and fitness, entrepreneurship, finances.
00:35:44.740And what those channels are, are curated conversations by channel moderators and the participants of that channel talking about issues that are relevant to them.
00:35:54.540A lot of the times when you join some of these men's groups or these masterminds, everybody's supposed to be talking about the same thing.
00:36:25.960If you're trying to get your finances in order, do the team stuff, do the monthly topic stuff, but also do a deep dive into the finance and entrepreneurship channel.
00:36:34.700Because these are men who are doing it and men that have questions and men that have ideas and you can be accountable to these people.
00:36:40.680So when we talk about question number eight, who do I call?
00:36:43.700And another question, what can I be doing right now?
00:36:47.160This is a great path for you and you can check it out.
00:36:49.620It's open right now until the end of the month.
00:37:18.600We're talking about how to build our testosterone levels and optimize our hormones naturally in a safe, natural way with somebody who's very, very qualified to talk with us about it.
00:37:29.540And that's going to be released on Tuesday.