Order of Man - How to Build Male Friendships

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.880 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.180 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.800 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.220 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Nickler.

00:00:27.420 I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here and welcome

00:00:32.260 back. This is your Friday Field Notes. I'm going to share some thoughts with you. And some of these

00:00:36.860 thoughts I'm going to share with you today regarding building male friendships is really stems from the

00:00:43.180 Facebook group because there's been a lot of questions about building male friendships and

00:00:47.760 how to connect with a band of brothers and how to do this. It's really not that complicated. It just

00:00:52.960 takes some initiative, some effort, and some consistency. So we're going to talk about how

00:00:57.840 to build out your male friendships and why that's even important. Before we do, just want to mention

00:01:03.620 very quickly that our Iron Council, which is our exclusive brotherhood, which is another great

00:01:08.380 resource for building relationships with other men who have your back and are in your corner,

00:01:14.040 that's going to be opening up December 15th. So a little less than, what is that? Two or three

00:01:19.660 weeks now. So December 15th, you can check it out at orderofman.com slash iron council.

00:01:25.100 Now, the other thing I want to mention, and this doesn't directly relate to you as men,

00:01:29.760 but I get so many questions from guys about where the women's equivalent of what we're doing

00:01:37.180 is. And that is called revitalized womanhood. This is run by Gina Trimmer and she's doing a

00:01:44.760 phenomenal job doing things very similar to what we're doing here with order of man and the iron

00:01:50.200 council. So if you have a woman in your life, whether that's your wife or your girlfriend or

00:01:55.680 a sister mother, who's interested in connecting with other women, helping each other out, lifting

00:02:01.620 each other up, not judging each other, but serving and helping each other grow like we do within order

00:02:07.140 of man and iron council for men, then check out revitalized womanhood.com revitalized womanhood.com.

00:02:14.060 All right. So with that said, let's get into the discussion today, which again is how to build

00:02:19.320 male friendships. Now, before I get into these four or five strategies here, we need to know that

00:02:24.380 this is important. And many of us do, many of us understand the importance of building out male

00:02:29.660 friendships. There are still some guys who believe in this lone wolf mentality. And I think that can work

00:02:35.240 to a degree as long as things are running smoothly. But when it hits the fan is when you really begin

00:02:42.420 to realize that maybe you've neglected building out a band of brothers around you. Generally,

00:02:47.380 I think men with brothers, friends, men in their corner are going to be happy. They're going to be

00:02:52.800 more productive. They're going to be more effective. They're going to be more fulfilled. They're going

00:02:56.080 to have outlets that they can deal with the stressors of life through. So it's crucial. It's very,

00:03:03.100 very crucial that we have these male friendships. Now, sometimes we just get inundated with life.

00:03:09.140 We're busy with our families. We're busy with our businesses. We're busy with other endeavors.

00:03:13.860 And so this gets pushed to the back burner. And then again, like I said, a minute ago,

00:03:17.820 when it hits the fan and things go South, you realize very quickly that you don't have men in

00:03:24.080 your corner. And that could be very detrimental physically, mentally, emotionally. And so we got

00:03:29.720 to do a better job building this out. So let's just talk about four quick strategies,

00:03:34.160 four or five, maybe. Did I write five? I did. I wrote five quick strategies and we'll break down

00:03:39.760 each one. Number one, you got to know what you want in a, in a friendship. A lot of us develop

00:03:46.900 and build out our friendships through default. Maybe it's the guy that you work with. It's an

00:03:53.160 old high school buddy. It might happen to be your neighbor and there's nothing inherently wrong with

00:03:57.700 that. But if that individual isn't helping you on the path and you aren't helping that person on the

00:04:02.380 path, then it's just a relationship of default and it's not as good as it could otherwise be.

00:04:08.360 So what I would suggest to you is that you get crystal clear about what you're looking for

00:04:14.240 in a brother, in a friendship, in, in another individual. Are they fit? Are they a family man?

00:04:20.880 Are they career oriented? Are they entrepreneurial driven? Are they ambitious? Are they motivated?

00:04:25.920 Or on the other hand, are they lazy? Are they a slob? Are they not motivated? Are they overweight?

00:04:35.420 Are they struggling with their finances? And not that that person has less inherent worth as a human

00:04:41.680 being, but if you're going to choose your friends, then you ought to choose wisely.

00:04:45.960 You know, we've all heard the adage of you are the average of your five closest people.

00:04:51.160 Well, that certainly applies when it comes to the male friendships that you have in your life.

00:04:55.680 So don't just do these things by default, but there's another reason why knowing what you're

00:05:01.020 looking for in a male friendship is important is because there's already people in your life

00:05:06.600 who probably hit on some of these characteristics. They're successful in business. They're a successful

00:05:13.000 family man. They are motivated. They are ambitious. They're engaging in the hobbies and activities

00:05:19.120 that either you're interested in or have some level of interest in. If you know what you want,

00:05:24.980 you know what you're looking for, then it's going to be easier for you to identify who these

00:05:29.300 individuals might be and then to reach out and start building and developing a friendship from there.

00:05:34.700 Number two, a lot of this is within your control. Okay. You are going to become attractive.

00:05:40.560 And I know that verbiage might sound strange when we're talking about male friendships,

00:05:45.040 but you are going to become attractive on a platonic level. If you are a high value man,

00:05:51.580 if you take care of yourself, if you have morning and evening routines, if you are ambitious,

00:05:58.060 if you're fit, if your finances are in order, and I'll tell you why that is because you're going to be

00:06:04.060 confident and other people are going to see it. Men are going to see it. Women are going to see it.

00:06:09.780 And so many people call it the X factor X as in variable X as in a variable. They don't

00:06:16.240 understand, but we understand it. The X factor that the people that have it possess is not some

00:06:22.580 mystical force at play. It's a level of confidence they have because they've earned that confidence

00:06:28.560 through their actions. So I want you to take a look at part one is what you're looking for in a

00:06:35.020 male friendship, but part two, and these aren't necessarily in any order here, but part two is

00:06:40.680 look at where you need to shore up your life. If you want to surround yourself with fit people,

00:06:46.580 but you're 40, 50, 60 pounds overweight, that's going to be a harder bridge to gap.

00:06:53.520 If you want to work with and make friends with financially successful people or entrepreneurs,

00:06:58.620 and yet you're up to debt, up to your eyeballs in debt, and you don't run a business,

00:07:04.160 and you don't have your finances in order, that's going to be a harder bridge to gap.

00:07:09.540 But if you are working towards those things and you are getting fit and you are active in

00:07:15.440 your community, you are active in your business, you are getting your finances in order, you're

00:07:20.020 doing all the things that you want to be doing. Then you're naturally going to find yourself around

00:07:24.820 other men who are doing the same things. You guys are going to go to the same conferences.

00:07:28.500 You're going to go to the same activities. You're going to go to the same church,

00:07:31.000 and you're going to be in proximity more likely to these types of individuals than the guy who is

00:07:37.620 fat and lazy and a slob and unmotivated. So inventory yourself, as much as you're inventorying

00:07:43.360 other people, inventory yourself because winners hang out with winners. Losers hang out with losers.

00:07:48.920 If you're surrounded by losers, you might want to ask, are you a loser? I can't make that call,

00:07:54.720 but you can. And if you want to be surrounded by winners, then you need to elevate yourself

00:07:59.420 in order to connect with these types of individuals. So inventory others, inventory

00:08:04.300 yourself as well. Number three, go where these men go. Go where these men are. Or you have to put

00:08:13.780 yourself out there and get in, as I said earlier, to proximity to these individuals. They're at races.

00:08:21.420 They're at business luncheons. They're at church functions. They're at conferences. They're hiking.

00:08:29.840 They're involved in continuing education, whether that's formal or informal education.

00:08:36.060 Go where these individuals are. Put yourself in proximity. And I don't think there's ever been a time

00:08:41.760 that's been easier than we have in modern times. Hype in your interest on the internet,

00:08:48.520 and then type in your city. And you're going to find an interest in your city and be able to go

00:08:55.100 connect with these other individuals. Now, I fielded a question on Wednesday on our Ask Me Anything.

00:09:02.540 And it was talking about how to find these individuals. Or I think the guy who asked the

00:09:10.140 question was an introvert. So he didn't know. He was socially awkward, I think, and didn't know how

00:09:14.360 to do that. Yeah, I get it. It's uncomfortable to show up to a function or a conference of some sort

00:09:21.500 and you not know anybody else. Yeah, that's definitely uncomfortable. But if you want to

00:09:27.240 build out male friendships and you want to have a band of brothers and you want to be surrounded by

00:09:31.420 winners, then you're going to have to sacrifice. And you're going to have to put yourself in

00:09:35.600 uncomfortable situations. Go to jujitsu. That's a place where I've met a lot of men in this area

00:09:41.000 that I would never have met otherwise. And we're connected through jujitsu, certainly.

00:09:46.280 But some of those relationships have bonded and forged outside of the mats. But you have to go

00:09:52.420 where these guys are. You have to put yourself out there. You have to get over your awkwardness or the

00:09:57.860 discomfort of being around high quality and high caliber men. But again, there are so many

00:10:03.980 opportunities. Just go to a conference. Go to a business conference. I guarantee if you go to a

00:10:08.720 business conference and you, even one of ours, main event or legacy or uprising, if you come to

00:10:16.180 one of those events and you come with the attitude of connecting with other guys, it would be impossible,

00:10:22.000 impossible not to find other men that you can connect and resonate with and build a friendship with.

00:10:27.620 So go where these guys are. Number four, this is really, really important. We've all heard the

00:10:34.720 term or the phrase. I'm sure that the fortune is in the follow-up. The fortune is in the follow-up.

00:10:40.380 So what I wrote here is that you need to find a way to add value to these men's lives, right? If you

00:10:46.280 come into the relationship and you're not adding value to other people, then really what's the point

00:10:51.800 of having you around? What's the point of continuing some sort of friendship? Well, there really isn't much

00:10:58.520 of a point. And so the friendship never buds and never has any legs. But if on the other hand,

00:11:04.720 you're asking these individuals about what their struggles are, what their goals are, what their

00:11:08.900 desires are, what their ambitions are, and then you're finding ways to meet those needs. Maybe it's

00:11:13.800 making an introduction. Maybe it's bringing another man into your circle who could really feel a need

00:11:18.740 for that individual. And you're the guy who syncs those two up, but there's another way to add value.

00:11:24.000 And it's often overlooked. If there's a person who is a high caliber man and they have an element or a

00:11:34.060 facet or even every element of their life locked in, dialed in, and you want to learn from this

00:11:39.440 person, adding value might simply be asking really good questions and then following up with it.

00:11:47.840 So for example, if your marriage is struggling and you know somebody who has a thriving

00:11:53.700 marriage and has been married for 30 years and has a wonderful family, you might ask that person,

00:11:59.180 Hey, you know, I'm struggling with communication, for example, with my wife. And I'm wondering,

00:12:03.700 are there some things that you could share with me that would help me communicate more effectively

00:12:07.820 with my wife? And of course, that man is going to share that information with you.

00:12:13.260 And then what you have to do is you actually have to act on it. So then you go back and you have a

00:12:17.660 conversation with your wife, with the new tools that you're learning. And hopefully that helps and

00:12:24.300 that serves your marriage. And then you come back to the individual and you say, Hey man, you know,

00:12:29.340 you were telling me about how to communicate more effectively with my wife. And I tried a couple of

00:12:34.440 those things over the past month or two. And I got to tell you, our communication has never been better.

00:12:39.260 And I just wanted to thank you for letting me know, believe it or not, even though you feel you

00:12:44.420 extracted the most value out of that interaction, you're actually providing value to that person

00:12:49.920 by giving them an opportunity to serve other people. And high value men love to serve other

00:12:57.020 people. They live to serve other people, whether it's their family, their wife, their kids, their

00:13:02.320 friends, their colleagues, their coworkers, they want to serve others. And if you give them that

00:13:07.880 opportunity and you don't slap them in the face by not following through, but you actually follow

00:13:12.780 through and then communicate with them how it worked in your life, you are going to be a value

00:13:18.480 add to that dynamic, to that relationship. So look for opportunities, look for connections,

00:13:25.520 look for ways to add value to serve, and then give other men opportunities to serve you. Because that's

00:13:32.420 the point of a friendship. It's reciprocal. It's not even reciprocal. It's not based on, Hey, if you give

00:13:38.080 me this, then I'll give you this. It's just a two way street. I'm going to try to add as much value to

00:13:42.580 your life as possible. And I know because you're a high value man, you're going to try to add as much

00:13:47.800 value to other people's lives, mine included. And then the last thing guys here is, and this falls

00:13:53.800 in line with nurturing the relationship or excuse me, with, with adding value to their lives and being

00:14:00.540 consistent is that you have to continue to nurture the relationship. This is not like a one and done type

00:14:05.340 deal. Hey, you know, I needed help and this guy gave me help and that was it. Or, Hey, I connected

00:14:09.980 with this guy and we hit it off. And, and, you know, we really liked the same activities. We participate

00:14:14.920 both in jujitsu or, or, or triathlons or photography or hiking or competitive shooting. And so that's it. It's

00:14:23.680 all going to work out. No guys, you have to be hyper consistent and nurturing the relationship just like

00:14:29.920 you would with a romantic relationship. Okay. You have to continue to invite this person to events.

00:14:35.340 You have to continue to add value to their lives. You have to bring them over. You have to connect

00:14:40.980 the wives with each other, if that's applicable. And the more that you can nurture the relationship,

00:14:46.940 reach out, give that guy a text. Hey man, I've been, it's been a while since we connected.

00:14:51.180 I've been thinking about you. Is everything good? How's the marriage? How's your family? How's your

00:14:55.060 kids? How's your work? How's your fitness? Or if you see something taking place that shouldn't be

00:15:00.800 taking place, Hey man, I just wanted to give you a call real quick because I got to call you out on

00:15:05.360 something. I love you. I care about you. I want you to win. And therefore I'm seeing something and

00:15:10.540 I just wanted to bring it to your attention. I don't know if it's something on your radar or not,

00:15:13.900 but I care about you and I want you to win. This is how we continue to nurture relationships.

00:15:19.580 And again, it's never been easier. We have our cell phones, we have social media, we can text,

00:15:24.180 we can call. Maybe you see that person at work or it's a neighbor and you invite them over for a

00:15:28.940 barbecue or for fight night. It's easy stuff. It's very, very easy stuff. And I can't help but think

00:15:37.040 that when men ask, Hey, I'm trying to build other friendships, male friendships, they realize the

00:15:44.300 need and the importance of that, that when they ask for how to do it, it's not like I'm giving you any

00:15:50.280 earth shaking, groundbreaking information that you've never heard before. I think when most men

00:15:56.480 ask about this, they want a quick and easy way to do it. Like some sort of Tinder for male

00:16:01.940 friendships. That's not how it works. It's going to be awkward. It's going to be uncomfortable.

00:16:07.760 You're going to have to try to build a lot of relationships that don't connect for whatever

00:16:12.100 reason. And over time, you're going to find that you have a core group of men who you value,

00:16:18.140 who they value you and your life is better for it. And their life is better for it.

00:16:24.440 And on the back of Thanksgiving, which was yesterday as the release of this podcast,

00:16:28.200 I'm grateful for good friends. I'm grateful for men who are in my corner,

00:16:35.000 men who invite me to breakfast. I just went to breakfast last week with my good friend,

00:16:40.600 Pete Roberts. He called me up. Hey man, you want to go catch breakfast? He's a busy guy.

00:16:44.400 I'm a busy guy. We sat down for 45 minutes over breakfast, caught up all as well. But I'm grateful

00:16:51.140 for other guys, Matt Schmigdahl that I hunt with and Sam and Wayne and Rick and Chris and all the

00:16:58.360 guys that I connect with over hunting, friends that I've made through this podcast. It's important

00:17:04.260 that we express our gratitude. And it's also important that we pick up the call. Steve Weatherford,

00:17:08.940 Granger Smith, his good friend, pick up the phone and just text these guys.

00:17:13.920 Hey man, I appreciate you. I've been thinking about you. Thanks for everything that you add

00:17:16.740 into my life. I would challenge you to do that. That's part of the nurturing process. Hey,

00:17:21.360 I'm thinking about you. I care about you. I want you to win. I'm here to serve if you need me.

00:17:26.620 So I hope that helps guys. Again, it requires sacrifice. It requires commitment. It requires

00:17:31.340 even some discomfort at times. But if you want to build male friendships and you should,

00:17:35.880 because you need those guys in your corner, especially, especially when things are going down,

00:17:39.740 down, going South. If you want to build up those friendships, that's a quick and easy way to do

00:17:45.220 it. Not quick. That's a simple, that's not even easy. That's a simple way to do it, but you got to

00:17:49.620 put in the work again, know what you're wanting out of a male friendship and relationship. Number two,

00:17:53.680 become that type of person, a high value man who is the same type of person that you're looking for

00:17:58.540 in others. Number three, go where these men are active conferences, events, those types of things,

00:18:04.280 add value to their lives. And then number five, continue to nurture the relationship.

00:18:08.900 I hope that helps guys. If you have additional resources, tips, ideas, strategies, tactics,

00:18:13.440 let me know, shoot me an email or hit me up on Instagram. In fact, do this on Instagram. Just

00:18:19.300 take a screenshot of the podcast right now, post it up in stories on Instagram and tag your buddies,

00:18:25.580 tag the guys who are in your corner, tag the guys that you're in their corner and let them know that

00:18:29.920 you're thinking about them and also be able to share this podcast and resource with them.

00:18:34.280 All right, guys, that's it. We'll be back next week. Until then, go out there,

00:18:37.640 take action and become a man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man

00:18:42.120 podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:18:47.200 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - November 25, 2022

How to Build Male Friendships ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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