How to Communicate Like a Man | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, we discuss the 10 rules that every man must adhere to if he wants to have a productive dialogue and conversation. These are the rules that other people must also adhere to, and if they don't do so, they are going to end up in personal resentment, anger, contention and frustration.
Transcript
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can spell the difference between success and failure
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Thou shalt not claim that because a premise is popular,
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10 commandments of healthy dialogue and conversation.
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Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time,
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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Gentlemen, welcome to the Order of Man podcast.
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I'm your host and also the founder of this movement
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to reclaim and restore masculinity called Order of Man.
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I've got a very, very important conversation with you today.
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We're going to be talking about how to converse like a man.
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And I've got 10 points that I'm going to share with you that if you want to have any sort of respectful,
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constructive, productive conversation with a loved one, a colleague, a client, a co-worker,
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or even a random stranger on the interwebs, on social media,
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These are the 10 rules that other people must follow.
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And I would suggest to you that if these 10 rules aren't followed by either you or the other party,
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I believe fully and wholeheartedly that if we abuse these rules,
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if we do the antithesis of these rules, that no good, no positive.
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In fact, if anything, it's going to be worse off than having this constructive feedback and conversation.
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It's going to end up in personal resentment, animosity, contention, and frustration.
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So, we're going to get into that in just a minute.
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Before I do, just want to mention really quickly a couple of things.
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Number one, you might see me wearing my new hat.
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If you've been around and following me for any amount of time in this movement,
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you know that I'm a big advocate for men learning to hunt,
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And what I thought I'd do this year is something that we've never done before,
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and that is make these orange hunter blaze orange hats available as we roll into the fall.
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If you're interested in picking up one of these hats or anything else,
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you can go over to the Iron, excuse me, the Order.
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You can check out this hat and the other things that we have going on.
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It's a great way to support what we're doing and look good in the process
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and show your support for what we're all about.
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In addition to that, check out our friends over at Montana Knife Company.
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Obviously, again, hunting season is coming up very, very quickly.
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If you're looking for a great hunting knife, an everyday carry knife,
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or something in the kitchen, then look no further than Montana Knife Company.
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And you can check them out at montananifecompany.com.
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And then use the code ORDEROFMAN at checkout when you pick up one of their knives.
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These are 10 rules that every person must follow if you want to have a productive,
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And you know, I'm happy to give credit where credit is due.
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these are the 10 commandments of healthy dialogue and conversation.
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how a man converses successfully, responsibly, and gets his point across.
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So number one, these come in the form of the 10 commandments.
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Number one is thou shalt not claim that because a premise is popular,
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Thou shalt not claim that because a premise is popular,
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We see it with the talking heads of political pundits and everything else,
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where people will say just because it happens to be popular,
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that it is accurate, true, relevant, credible, and value-driven.
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There's a term that I've dubbed called the doctrine of popular culture.
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And what I've learned in my 43 years spending on this spinning rock
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is that the doctrine of popular culture, meaning that most people,
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I know that sounds antithetical to what you might believe,
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and there might be some things where it definitely applies.
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But when we're talking about societal conditions, cultural beliefs,
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that the doctrine of popular culture is often misguided, irrelevant, confused,
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A great example of that is the transgender movement
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And just because more and more people are buying into this idea
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that a boy can be a girl and a girl can be a boy,
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that somehow it must be true because more and more people believe it.
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That the more people who believe in this nonsensical ideology,
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the more that you can rest assured that it's probably not true.
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Another great example of this is something that we've seen during COVID.
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The popular narrative was that COVID wasn't due to a leak in Wuhan,
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that we needed to do the 15 days to slow the spread,
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And this is what so much of the populace believed and acted upon.
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And now we're finding out in rational, logical, smart, intelligent people
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pretty much had this pegged within about four or five days,
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Now the experts, the quote-unquote experts are saying,
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well, you know, the six feet distancing rule was arbitrary.
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That comes from Fauci in his congressional discussions that he had.
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It also, with regards to the masks, like that wasn't effective.
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Maybe they have some other pre-existing conditions,
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You know, it's the Cuomos of the world who would say, for example,
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what we're going to take our elderly population,
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and then we're going to go ahead and take those people
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we're going to go ahead and put those people back into the rest homes
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so they can go ahead and affect all of our other elderly individuals.
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When somebody appeals to the popular narrative,
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you can have a healthy dose of skepticism because most people are dumb.
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Most people are easily led by this, what I call the doctrine of popular culture.
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So what I would say to you is question, look for evidence, be intelligent,
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use your gut, use your intuition, use divine inspiration.
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But if anybody ever comes to you and says, well, everybody else believes in whatever form that looks like,
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you can rest assured that this is not something that you should take to heart.
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Number two, thou shalt not assume, quote unquote,
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this follows that when it has no logical conclusion.
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A silly example might be something like, you know,
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I need to make my bed today because apples are red.
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That because something is true, then this obviously has to be true.
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Well, as an intelligent, rational man, you have to be able to draw the logical conclusion to that scenario.
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Is what somebody is saying, this is important because of X, Y, and Z.
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If it's not logical, then it's just not worth really taking into consideration.
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Like, for example, I've often heard that people will say things like,
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and this is the common example, oranges are the best fruit out there.
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And then somebody inevitably will come in and say, well, what about apples?
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I'm just saying oranges are really good for your health.
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This is portrayed by people who want to appear smart, who really aren't.
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This is portrayed by people who want to manipulate you into doing something that you shouldn't be doing.
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And so you need to look for the difference between correlation and causation.
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Just because I happen to be wearing, for example, an orange hat doesn't necessarily mean that I love the color orange.
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It doesn't necessarily mean that I like oranges.
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But most of these things do when you really dive a little bit deeper and you ask yourself,
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what does this person saying have to do with anything I believe?
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Make sure that if you're going to make an appeal or a case or a suggestion that it actually has to do with something else.
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Typically it doesn't and you'll begin, if you pay any amount of attention, you'll begin to see how many people employ this strategy as a way to, quote unquote, win the argument or appear smart.
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Number three is thou shalt not lay the burden of proof onto him that is questioning the claim.
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So, for example, if somebody says to me, and I'm going to go back to the transgender issue, and this is something that's very important and something that I've been thinking a lot about lately, this transgender issue, because it's so prevalent and it's something that is discussed so much.
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So oftentimes people will say, well, you know, you need to reaffirm, that's the language they use, reaffirm somebody's belief about who they are.
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And this is what they'll say, this is the claim they'll make, this is healthcare, right?
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We're going to reaffirm this person's belief in who they are.
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And then I will say, for example, hey, you know what?
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I don't think it's healthy to, use your language, reaffirm somebody's misguided, delusional idea that they are a boy when in fact they're a girl,
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And then the person who makes the original claim will say, well, show me your proof.
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You show me, since you're making the claim, you're making this bold assertion that transitioning our sons and daughters into the opposite sex,
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So I'm using these quotations here, if you're watching on YouTube, it's on you.
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The burden is on you to prove to me that that is actually a healthy thing for that individual.
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So guys, if you're going to make a claim, then please understand.
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I haven't always been great at this, by the way.
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I'm learning to articulate my thoughts and ideas.
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I'm learning to back these ideas up even more than I have in the past.
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So I'm telling you, I'm not great at this stuff.
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But I learned this quickly when I started writing a book.
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Now, I had a publisher on my second book called The Masculinity Manifesto.
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And I would make claims and they came back in the documents and they would say,
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Now, full disclosure, some things I could prove through readily available information
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and other things I really struggled with proving that the claim I was making was actually true and relevant.
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That wouldn't be on the reader to either prove or disprove what I'm saying is true.
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If I'm going to make a bold assertion that I need to be able to back it up with evidence.
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And if you can't back it up with evidence, then maybe we oughtn't be flapping our gums.
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Or we shouldn't get upset when somebody says, hey, like you said this thing, show me.
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You know, we can experts say is the common phrase.
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You're making this claim about transgenderism or you're making this claim about economic principles
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or this trickle-down economy or you're making this claim that most people don't necessarily agree with.
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And the people making these claims will often say, I can't.
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I'm questioning your interpretation of science.
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I'm questioning your motives and your intentions.
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I'm questioning you and your interpretation of science.
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And then he, Fauci in this case, ought to back it up.
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Prove to me that the claim you're making is true.
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If you're telling me that we need to do six feet of distancing, show me.
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So you show me why that actually is relevant and accurate.
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Number four is thou shall not argue because of ignorance.
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So if I say to you, hey, an individual is supposed to have one gram of protein per desired body
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weight per day and somebody else says, well, I don't know if that's true, so I don't agree
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But I think as men, if we're going to be ignorant about certain things, then we ought to flap
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People have such a vested interest in my life and they will ask me about my divorce.
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They'll ask me about my custodial arrangement with my ex-wife and my children.
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And they'll make these bold assumptions and assertions and they don't know anything.
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I've had dozens and dozens of people, for example, say, oh, Ryan, I can't believe you'd
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And number two, like they're just making an assumption that is entirely inaccurate.
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I have conversations and discussions and texts and phone calls with my kids.
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But if you make the assumption out of ignorance that you know anything about my circumstance,
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So guys, we can't operate from a level of ignorance.
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If you don't know what you're talking about, that's okay.
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There's an infinite number of things and skills and hobbies and interests and activities and
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places and geography and geopolitical conflict.
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But I try not to flap my gums at those things when I know nothing about it.
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And if you are going to make comments and suggestions and share ideas and concepts,
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Like, you'll see these fight videos and people will get into fights and get themselves into
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And guys will come in and like, oh, I'd kick his ass.
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And that's likely to get you in a whole heap of trouble if you ever find yourself in a
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Your ego, as the phrase goes, is writing checks that you can't cash.
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If you have something to say and it's intelligent, share it.
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Again, I'm not pointing fingers at you as much as I'm pointing fingers at myself.
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Thou shall not claim that because something occurred before, that it must be the cause.
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You know, and I saw this a lot in my financial planning industry.
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When I was a financial advisor in another life, one of the phrases that you often hear
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with financial advisors is as a disclaimer that we'd have to share with our clients is
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that past performance does not predict future results.
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Past performance does not predict future results.
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Now, there are some areas where I think you can probably make some assumptions based on
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You know, if a person shows up as a loser and a lazy individual and somebody who can't
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complete assignments and somebody who takes advantages of others, yeah, maybe you can make
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the assumption that this wouldn't be a good employee to hire, right?
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But we can't just assume that because something happened in the past that it's inevitably going
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We need to look at the litany of variables and questionable scenarios and situations and
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Guys, don't just believe that just because something happened before that it's going to
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Somebody might have been at the right place at the right time and like, okay, well, that's
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But don't believe that just because somebody was in the right place at the right time that
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they're inevitably going to be right for the rest of their lives.
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You start doing that, you're going to make decisions based on faulty data.
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Thou shall not reduce the argument down to two possibilities.
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Many times I met with, here's the false dichotomy I hear more than anything else.
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I hear it every single day and guys will say something like this.
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Hey, Ryan, I've got a job and I'm making good money, but I'm not really satisfied with
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But I have a job offer where there's a lot of upward mobility and trajectory.
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I think I'd be more happy and fulfilled with my life, but I'm not going to make as much
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Or another example is I have this great job where I'm working right now.
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I'm here with my kids, but I'm not making great money and I can't make ends meet.
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But I've got another job which will pay me all sorts of money, all the money that I want,
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but I'll be away from my kids four to five days a week.
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In both scenarios, you believe that either you have to chase, again, in this example,
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If I keep this job, I'm going to be filled, but I'm not going to make any money.
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Or the other example is if I take that job, I'm going to make a bunch of money,
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but I'm not going to be fulfilled and happy and see my kids.
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We're not going to reduce this down to its simplest version.
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We're not going to reduce this down to two options.
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If you believe there's only two options in your life, you have to pick one or the other.
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There's nothing else that could possibly exist.
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But I'm here to tell you that there are an infinite number of answers to most of your problems.
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For example, to go back to what we shared earlier,
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what if you could find a really rewarding, profitable, fulfilling, meaningful, and significant
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job where you are, but still have the opportunity to see your kids every night
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and to be home and to engage with your wife and have sex with her every night
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and play with your kids and be the kind of father that you want to be.
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Now, I travel a little bit because I like to travel.
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I like to go to events and conferences and learn new things.
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And I also really like spending time with my kids.
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I really like spending time with my girlfriend.
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And I want to create a life where I can have it all.
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But if you reduce it down to two choices, that it has to be this or that,
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then you're going to choose one of those options.
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And inevitably, by choosing one of those options,
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you are making a sacrifice of something that matters to you.
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Fulfillment on one hand, time with your family on the other.
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What if I told you you didn't have to sacrifice either?
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And that's what you can have when you start looking for other options
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All right, let's go to number seven, I believe I'm on.
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thou shall not argue thy position by assuming one of its premises is true.
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I would say that this is the game, two truths and a lie.
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they're often going to sprinkle truth in there.
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Because if they were just blatantly lying and none of it was accurate,
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then you'd be able to see through it very, very quickly.
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So individuals who are somewhat intelligent and self-preserving
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are going to be able to manipulate others by telling them a lie
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thou shalt not position by assuming that one of its premises is true,
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You need to understand that just because some element of it might be true
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doesn't mean the entirety of the message is true.
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So for example, if you suspect your wife of stepping out on you,
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she might say, well, you know, it doesn't mean anything.
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Well, that might be true, but they also might be sleeping together.
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whether it's on the conservative or liberal side of the equation.
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Start evaluating political messages and ask yourself,
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is the entirety of this message true or is just part of it true?
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or a little spending measure inside of a bill that is nonpartisan.
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You know, you could have 60, 70, 80% of our elected officials
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And so you think, well, this has got to be really good.
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and there's just a little bit of pork added to it.
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Okay, like that's kind of a critical part of the equation.
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but you're also sleeping together on the weekend.
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as the fact that you're sleeping with somebody else.
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So be smart when you hear people try to manipulate you
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Thou shalt not use small numbers to represent the whole.
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My sister or my brother is a transgender person.
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Okay, and what does that have to do with the argument?
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but that's a small sample of what is actually happening.
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You know, you can manipulate polls very easily.
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and this is why so many people believe certain polls
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I could probably find eight to nine to 10 people
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that it has no relevancy in the greater scheme of things.
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If on the other hand, I go out and I ask a thousand people,
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I'm probably going to get closer to an accurate answer
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Of course, my 10 family members are going to say
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wouldn't be spending much time with those individuals
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than the odds of you having people in your circle
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Except in the context of the grand scheme of things.
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So I don't really care about your anecdotal evidence.
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I don't really care that your grandma is amazing
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A guy, for example, the other day on social media,
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And they said, well, my truth is how I experience life.
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I'm like, yeah, I agree with about 90% of that.
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argue a position assuming one of its premises is true.
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and I don't agree with 20% of what you're saying.
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At least part of what they're saying is accurate.