How to Father Our Daughters | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
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Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about the importance of being a good father to your daughters and how to raise them in a degenerate culture. He shares 5 strategies that have helped him become a better father to his daughters.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
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I'm the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here and welcome
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back. I'm going to talk with you about something today that I just don't normally talk about. I
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got a lot of requests over the past several years for me to talk more about being a father of girls
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and young women. So that's going to be something I'm going to attempt to do today. Now, admittedly,
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I talk more about my boys. I've got three boys and I've got one daughter. Obviously, I talk more about
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my boys because that's what I know. That's what I'm comfortable with. And also, admittedly,
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I'm a bit more protective than my daughter than I am of my boys. I think that could probably be true
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instead of just about any father worth his weight out there. So I'm going to share with you today
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five strategies that have helped me. These are mindsets. These are things to be thinking about
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when it comes to raising your young ladies. We're going to get into that in just a minute.
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Before I do, two things, guys. We're really trying to build out our email list right now
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and communicate with you guys via that medium. Social media keeps jerking us around. I was
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temporarily suspended from Twitter for something that really wasn't that controversial. You guys can
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go check it out and see what it was. And I don't like to complain about being shadow banned and being
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limited in our reach on Instagram and Facebook and all these things, but it is the reality.
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And so instead of just moping around and complaining about it and making a bigger deal than it is,
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what I want to do is make sure that we're building out a diverse way to communicate with you should one
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of those platforms get shut off. And that way we can still keep in touch with you. So head to
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orderaman.com, check out the newsletter. We're going to be offering special discounts,
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and new products, and other things that we have going on. So orderaman.com, check it out.
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And also, if you would, make sure you leave a rating and review for the podcast, because believe
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with a podcast. So check out the email, orderaman.com. We send that out every Wednesday morning,
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and then also make sure to leave that rating and review. All right, guys, let's talk about how to
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father our daughters. Obviously, this is a crucial thing. Many of you fathers, probably half, I don't
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know the statistics, have a daughter or daughters. And I know I don't talk about it a lot, but it's
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crucial that we as men know how to raise our daughters effectively in a degenerate culture,
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frankly. There's a lot of risk to our daughters. There's a lot of things they need to be aware of.
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There's a lot of things that we can do. There's a lot of innocence and maybe even a bit of
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naiveness. I tread lightly on saying that. I don't think women are naive necessarily, but I do believe
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that because they are the fair sex, they tend to think better of situations. They tend to more,
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I think so, than men put themselves in compromising, potentially compromising situations. So our daughters
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are going to deal with that. That's the reality of the situation. And for my daughter, I want to make
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sure that she's equipped with everything that she needs to be able to thrive and win and be
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independent and hopefully at some point and at some stage in her life, partner with a man and have
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kids and live the life that she has a desire to live. So the first thing I wanted to share with you
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is number one, we have to exemplify what manliness is because our daughters primarily are going to
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look to us as an example of who they want to be with. And I often have said that boys, our sons
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want to be us. Our daughters look for who to be with based on our performance and based on the way
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we're showing up. Now, yes, your daughters do want to be like you. If you're into fishing and you're
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into hunting and you're into painting and you're into photography and you're into entrepreneurship,
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yes, of course, she's going to be like that too. But primarily, they're going to be looking at you
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as an example when they find a young boy, a young man that they're attracted to and you become the
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benchmark, the standard by which she measures every one of those guys. And that bar should be set
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extremely, extremely high. Now, a lot of the times when I talk about exemplifying manliness,
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sometimes people mistake that for just believing that you can just be a good example. It's just not
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enough. It really isn't. You need to be able to connect the dots. So when you're showing up and
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you're holding a door for a woman or you're pulling out the chair or you're standing up when she leaves
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the table or comes to the table or the way that you communicate with your wife or the way that you
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treat women in general, you also have to fill in the dots and fill in the blanks and let her know why
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you're doing that thing and why we give women the respect that we do. This is very, very important.
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If you just hope that you're going to be a good example, that's going to go a long ways,
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but you need to make sure you're having these conversations about how a man is supposed to
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treat a woman, how you treat women and how you expect other men, those who will come into your
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daughter's life, how she should expect them to treat her. So guys, if we're not exemplifying
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manliness, none of what I'm going to share with you today really matters because although it will
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rub off and it will help, there's going to be a huge gap between the way that your daughter or
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daughters see men and the way that ideally we should be behaving around the women in our lives.
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And you want to make sure, as I stated in last week's Friday field notes, that the integrity gap
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between the way that you want her to be treated and the way you're actually showing up is minimal,
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if not non-existent. Now I say exemplify manliness because it's important that we use the term
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manliness as opposed to masculinity. Now this might be semantics. I don't want to get tripped up on that.
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Everybody here is capable of discernment and understanding the nuance of what I'm talking
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about. But I believe that there is a difference between masculinity and manliness. Masculinity is
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simply, and even if you look this up, simply the characteristics, virtues, behaviors, patterns,
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et cetera, that men ascribe to or men exit it based on their biological makeup. Now it's not toxic to be
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masculine. It's not even virtuous. It just is. And the way that we harness our masculine traits
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is, and will determine whether or not we're acting manly. So for example, if I'm walking down the street
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and I see an attractive young woman by herself, and I don't see anybody else around, well, I think it's
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safe to say that all of us understand that masculinity and men generally have a greater propensity for
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violence. That isn't a secret. That isn't guesswork. It just, it's the reality of the situation. So if I
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see this young woman walking down the street and I decide to physically or sexually assault her or
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attempt to steal her purse, and I do so in a violent manner, I think all of us would say that's not a proper
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use of masculinity. On the other hand, if I see somebody doing that to her and I decide to use my
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propensity for violence, dominance, protection, courage, strength, to subdue somebody who might
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be doing that to her, or even to put a bullet between the eyes of that individual, that's still
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violence, but it's righteous violence and it's harnessing my masculine characteristics for productive
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outcomes. So it's not enough just to be masculine. We have to be manly. Again, let's not get tripped up
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in the semantics, but understand the distinction, however you want to look at it. And let's all,
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I think, agree that we can either use our characteristics and behaviors for horrible,
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horrific outcomes, or we can use them for productive, virtuous, honorable outcomes. And we need to be acting
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manly as in men, not boys. All right. Number two, it's crucial that you also, if you're going to
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exhibit manliness and teach her about those things, then it's crucial that you also surround her with
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feminine women. You need both. You can't have a daughter who's so masculine because she was never
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introduced to a female presence. And you also, I think, have to be very aware in our modern times
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that she actually is being introduced to femininity. And when I say that, I'm talking about lovely,
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kind, beautiful, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, nurturing, all of the characteristics
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and behaviors that we would naturally ascribe to women. Now, there's a lot of women out there who,
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and I think this is becoming increasingly the case, who don't exhibit those behaviors or who have been
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told that if you do, then you're somehow inferior to men and that you actually have to go out into the
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workforce and you have to go out and produce and do all of the things that men do in order to be equal.
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Well, ladies, you don't have to do that. Now, if you want to, and I know some very, very successful
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women out into the workforce, and if that's a desire that you have, then so be it.
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But also, let's not strip away the beautiful nature of womanhood
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on the altar of just trying to be like men. We're different. We're not equal. Men and women are not
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equal. Let's get over that right now. Equal means the same. We're not. Now, we're equal in worth,
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human potential, human worth. I talked about that on the Asking Anything on Wednesday.
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But we're different. Our characteristics, our behaviors, our beliefs, our thought patterns,
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our gut instincts, the way we respond to situations generally is different than one another.
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And I want to make sure that my daughter is getting an introduction into how men show up for their
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people. And I also want to ensure that she gets an introduction into how women can be lovely and go
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out and be in their feminine selves and their feminine way. That's very, very important for me.
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Now, we don't have to sacrifice one or the other. I don't have to turn her into a tomboy. And I don't
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have to turn her into some sort of a pushover or this woman who's not capable of doing anything.
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Okay. There's a balancing act here. And what that means is not that we find the middle ground,
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but that we find both sides of the equation and we introduce those sides of the equation as
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appropriate. And that's why I believe that every young woman and every young man as a son or a
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daughter deserves and should have the right to a loving and engaged mother and father in the home.
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I know that isn't always the case. I know the family court systems mess with this. I know that
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pop culture tends to deliberately destroy and dismantle the nuclear family, but that's the
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battle that we must fight. And our daughters and our sons, by the way, need to be in the presence of
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masculine men and feminine women. And then we also need to make sure that we're honoring that femininity.
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When my wife and I are parenting in a specific moment, there might be situations where I have to be
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stern or disciplinary or tough. And there's other situations that require some tenderness and some
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love and some empathy and compassion. Well, who do you think takes the lead on each of those scenarios?
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That's not to say I'm not capable of tenderness. And it's not to say she's not capable of being a
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disciplinary, but I need to be able to honor when I see a woman for the example of, of, of our family is
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I need to be able to honor my wife when she's being feminine with my daughter. And I don't need
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to question it. I don't need to say it's stupid. And I don't need to say whatever it is. I maybe have
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the inclination to say, but I just need to honor it and encourage it and embrace the fact that a
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daughter has a good feminine presence in her life that I don't fully understand. And I don't need to
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fully understand it because if I did, there would be no use for having women around and vice versa.
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If women understood men, there'd be no need for you to have that male presence in your life.
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This is why we have both. So that's number two, surround her with feminine women.
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Number three is obviously we want to teach our daughters all sorts of things. I'm going to get
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into that, but there is a couple of things here that I wanted to pull out that I think are very
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important. It's crucial. It's imperative that you teach her these two things, self-defense,
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some form of martial arts, and situational awareness. There's an infinite number of
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things that she needs to learn. But if you're not doing these things for your daughter, I think
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you're dropping the ball. And I hate to say that we live in a society where the risk to her is
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probably, if I was to look at the statistics, more men are victims of violent crime, probably because
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of the scenarios they put themselves in. But I think a woman is generally speaking more vulnerable
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to those attacks and those situations than a man is. We can debate and we can discuss that,
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but I heard a great conversation on it. And I think it was with Jocko. And he said something to
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the effect, and I'm paraphrasing, so don't quote me on this or him, that sometimes a man has what
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another man wants, right? If I've got my wallet and I've got $2,000 or $3,000 in there and my credit
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card, there's going to be somebody else who might want that. If I'm driving around a high-priced luxury
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car, I have a luxury watch on, I'm carrying something that somebody else might want. Now,
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that's not always going to be the case, especially with me. I drive an older pickup. I wear t-shirts and
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jeans. I don't really look like somebody who might have a lot of money. So, sometimes men have what
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other people want, but women, they always have what other men want. They always, they do not get
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to absolve themselves of having what other men want. So, you need to get your daughters enrolled in
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martial arts. I'm talking about jujitsu. I'm talking about wrestling. I'm talking about striking.
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Is this going to keep her out of all of these situations? Of course not. But you might as well
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give her a leg up. You might as well give her a fighting chance. I would also teach her how to use
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knives and always make sure that she has a knife on her. I would teach her how to use firearms and make
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sure she understands the firearm safety rules and make sure she knows how to utilize that thing
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in a very quick and proficient manner to neutralize a threat that she may come across.
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If there's a young woman walking down the street and myself separately walking down the street,
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the attacker is going to go after the woman. He's not going to go after me when he has the choice.
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So, we need to make sure that our daughters are equipped to be able to handle that.
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I would also say situational awareness. Now, this goes back to what I was saying about
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women and their propensity to see the best in every situation. I think sometimes,
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I'm speaking in broad generalities here, that based on my own personal observation, that more
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often than not, women tend to look through life or at life through rose-colored glasses more so than
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men do. So, they see the best in people. They want to help. They want to be empathetic. And what
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they do is they open themselves up to risk and exposure and vulnerabilities when they do.
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It's good. It's a beautiful thing, but it needs to be addressed. So, having teaching your daughter
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situational awareness so that they're not putting themselves in compromising situations. They're not
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making poor decisions that will inevitably put them at a greater risk. So, do you do exercises with your
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daughter when you're getting out of the vehicle or even getting back into the vehicle? If my wife's at
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the grocery store and she's got her head buried in the trunk of a car because she's putting the
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groceries away, but she's not watching behind her, okay, well, that's a problem, right? If she's
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walking down the road, especially late at night or in a scarcely populated area, then she ought to be
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on alert, more ready, more prepared for that. And I think men generally are going to be more so that
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way just through our nature. So, we need to ensure that our daughters are capable of seeing their
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surroundings and keeping themselves out of harm's way because we won't always be around. So, those
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are the two or three things that I wanted to extract specifically when it comes to skills. Again, it's
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martial arts and self-defense, and that could include knife work, that could include firearms, and of
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course, situational awareness. Now, the next thing, number four, is that we want to help her be
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independent. I want to help my daughter be independent. I don't want her to have to rely on a
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man. I don't want her not to know how to change the oil on a car. I don't want her to have to know
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or rely on somebody pulling over on the side of the road because her car is broken down.
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I don't want to have to have her rely on other people to fix things when she should be fully
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capable of doing those things herself. She should know electrical. She should know plumbing. She
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should know basic vehicle maintenance. She should know how to change a tire. In addition to that,
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she should know how to make money. She should know how to balance a bank account. She should know how to
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do her schoolwork. She should know how to present in public. She should know how to communicate
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effectively. These are all things that our daughters need, not more than our sons, but let's not
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overlook the fact that we don't live in the 1940s or the 1950s where our daughters are just going to
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be at home and they're going to be homemakers for the rest of their lives. Now, if that's the case,
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great, but I'll tell you what, my wife, as a homemaker, she's a stay-at-home mom. She's a
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homemaker. She's very, very independent. When I leave on a business trip, I barely hear, I'm the one who
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calls her. I barely hear from her because she's doing her thing. She's gardening and she's doing food
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preservation and she's taking the kids where they need to go and she's running the classroom and she
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can balance a checkbook and she can manage our finances to the degree that she needs to when
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I'm gone because that's one of my responsibilities in the dynamic of our home. But guys, you want to
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make sure that she's completely independent because the last thing I want for my daughter is A, to have
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to rely on a man or B, to have to put herself in a situation that might be compromising, whether that's
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a dangerous, potentially dangerous situation, or maybe even marrying a guy that she's not completely
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attracted to or isn't the one for her because she needs help with finances, for example. That's a
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ridiculous thing. That's not going to happen with my daughter. And I think you probably feel the same
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way. And if that's the case, then you can't just hide them and you can't just tuck them in the corner
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and hope they don't experience any of the real world, which honestly, I have the propensity to do at
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times. Like, I don't, I'm going to shelter. I'm going to bubble wrap her. Guys, we've got to
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introduce our daughters to the real world and help them develop the skills that will allow them to
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be dependent, excuse me, independent. Now, the opposite side of that is we don't want her to be
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so independent. And this girl comes with the third feminist, third wave feminist type movements.
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So independent where she's a man hater. I don't need a man. I don't need this. I don't need that. And
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I don't need a man to open my door. I can open myself. Like, yes, we know all men know that women
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are capable of opening the door for themselves. That's not why we do it because we think you're
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incapable. Or, or I was on a flight about a month ago and a lady, I had opened the hatch on the plane
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to get my luggage out. And there was a smaller lady next to me. I know she was fully capable of
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putting the luggage in there. She did it by herself, but I grabbed it and I handed it to her. And she
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simply said, thank you and smiled. And that was it. Like we don't, we're not courteous and respectful
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because we don't think you're capable of doing it. We're just trying to honor and respect you as
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women. So we don't want man haters either. We want women who honor masculinity and manliness.
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And that comes back to point number one. So let's not say that just because we're trying to raise
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independent daughters that we want them to hate men because we all know where that leads. And there's
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some very, very disgusting, just nasty, I would say women who hate men and hate society and hate this
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quote unquote tyrannical patriarchy. And they don't even know what they're talking about. They've been
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so programmed and conditioned to hate something that's actually good. Men building, lifting, edifying,
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creating, innovating. That's good. And I'm not your enemy ladies and ladies. You aren't men's enemy.
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Now there's situations where we are pitted against each other. It's unfortunate, but it's the reality.
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But generally speaking, we're not enemies. So independent daughters, but not man haters.
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And guys, the last thing I would say here is that you really need to ensure that your daughter
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knows that she is valuable and she has some contribution to the environment that she's
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in, whether that's the dynamic of your home or in business or in college and school, that there's
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something valuable about her above and beyond her body and her sexuality. I think I was introduced
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to this concept by Dr. Warren Farrell, who's coming back on the podcast next week. He wrote a book
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called The Boy Crisis. And it's been a while since I read the book, but he said the last thing that young
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women need is to believe that the only contribution and value they have in this world is their body and
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their sexuality, because then they're going to rely on those practices using their body to get what they
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want or believing that if they don't have sex with somebody or they don't show them physical love,
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that they're not worth anything. I don't want my daughter to feel like that. So my daughter and I,
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we have a great relationship. We went to the lake yesterday. She showed me how she was swimming.
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We have a pool she swims in. We'll watch shows together. We'll talk and we'll laugh and we'll draw
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and we'll play and we'll wrestle and we'll do things. And obviously there's not a sexual component to it,
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but that's what's needed. There's too many young women in society that the only attention they ever
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get from men is sexual in some way. So what do they do? They put on skimpy clothes, they show off
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their boobs, they strive for sexual attention, the way they speak, the way they act, the way they talk,
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the things they do is all sexualized because they never learn from a healthy male relationship
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what it's like to add value to the scenario without having to be sexual in nature.
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That's one of the greatest things that an engaged father can do for his daughter.
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You do that by complimenting her. You do that by giving her the tools, as I said earlier, to be
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independent, by honoring her efforts, by rewarding and encouraging her progress.
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And by just being there and present and playing and laughing and joking and wrestling and swimming
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and painting and all the things that you do with her outside of sexual interaction with a woman.
00:24:50.900
It's crucial guys. And as a father of a daughter, these are the things that I'm constantly working on.
00:24:59.040
Now, admittedly, I'm not as dialed in on these things as I am with my boys because it's easier
00:25:03.760
to take my boys and say, Hey, let's go to jujitsu. It's easier to take my boys and say,
00:25:07.800
Hey, we're going camping. We're going hunting. Why can't I do that stuff with my daughter?
00:25:11.860
I can. And I do. And I should do that more. Let me recap guys. Number one is we need to
00:25:17.940
exemplify manliness because she's going to look at us, not only for behaviors and how she's going to show
00:25:24.200
up, but she's also going to look for the attributes you possess in a future partner.
00:25:30.120
Number two is help her be surrounded with feminine, lovely women.
00:25:36.160
She's got to be around other feminine women and you have to honor, encourage, and recognize that.
00:25:42.000
Number three, teacher specifically, in addition to other things, but specifically
00:25:45.560
self-defense, martial arts, knife work, firearms training, and situational awareness.
00:25:51.260
That's number four, help her to be independent, sovereign. Dare I say sovereign, help her to be
00:25:57.380
independent, but again, not a man hater. And number five is show her through your words and your actions
00:26:04.900
that she has value to add separate from her body or sexuality. I hope that helps guys. If you have
00:26:12.760
other thoughts that I should add to the list, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube,
00:26:19.120
leave a comment, make sure you share. Emails are going to be starting to go out. They already have
00:26:24.320
over the past couple of weeks. So if you want to stay in the know about what we have going on,
00:26:27.640
event-wise, podcasts that are coming up, insights that I don't share anywhere else, go to orderinman.com.
00:26:33.260
And the very last thing, especially if this podcast resonated with you today, or you know of a man,
00:26:38.840
a father with a daughter or daughters, that you share this, take a screenshot, shoot him a text,
00:26:44.620
send him an email, share it on Instagram or Facebook, and let's get the word out about what
00:26:49.700
we can do as men specifically today to raise independent, beautiful, contributing, sovereign
00:26:58.080
ladies. All right, you guys, that's all I've got for you. We'll be back next week. Until then,
00:27:03.140
go out there, take action, father to your daughters, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:27:08.520
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:27:13.060
and be more of the man you are meant to be. We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.