How to Get More Respect ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
The love language of men is respect. It's words and gifts, words of affirmation, gifts and acts of service. But if you want to get to the root of what a man really wants and desires in his life, it's a level of respect from not only his romantic interest, but also his friends, colleagues and coworkers and everybody else.
Transcript
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The way that you garner respect is by doing the work that you committed to doing and then letting
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the results speak for themselves. So you don't need to go to your boss and say, hey boss, didn't
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I do such a good job? That's desperate. That's needy. That actually, in a lot of ways, can
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undermine respect. But if you just put your head down, nose to the grindstone, get to work,
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follow through on what you say you're going to do, and then achieve the results, people will see
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that. I promise you, you don't need to be flapping your gums at them. People will see that and they
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You
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are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This
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is who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said
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You've all heard of love languages, whether it's words of affirmation, gift giving, physical
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touch, quality time, et cetera, et cetera. And while I think there's some value to that,
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I would suggest to you that the love language of men is respect. Now, sure, I like to be touched
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physically by the woman in my life. I like words of affirmation. I like gifts. I like quality time.
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I like acts of service. I like all of that. But if you want to get to the root of what a
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man really wants and desires in his life, it's a level of respect from not only his romantic
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interest, but also his friends and colleagues and coworkers and everybody else. So today I'm
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going to talk with you about nine things that you can do to garner and gain more respect in
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the right way. This is not about manipulation. This is not about gaming the system or making
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people think you're better or different than you are. This is about true respect. Now, granted,
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there is a baseline level of respect that I believe that I and others should give to everybody unless
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they prove otherwise that they're worthy of it. But if you want to get ultimate maximum respect from
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your wife, your colleagues, your clients, your friends, your coworkers, your kids, follow these
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nine steps to the T and you will certainly achieve that. All right, let's break it down. Number one,
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boundaries. Man, you've heard me talk about boundaries ad nauseum. I talk about it all the
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time. If you don't know what you will tolerate and what you won't, if you're not willing to
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communicate that effectively with other people, if you're not willing to uphold that with other
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people, there is no level of respect that people will have for you. You are going to be run roughshod
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over. You're going to be manipulated. You're going to be taken advantage of. You're going to be
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discarded. You're going to be overlooked. You're going to miss promotions. Your wife isn't going
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to have any respect for you. You're certainly not going to get laid. Your kids aren't really
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going to care what you have to say. Your clients are going to move to the next person who offers
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a better deal. You have to have boundaries. I know for recovering nice guys like myself,
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it's difficult to think about the way people will treat you, the way you expect people to treat you,
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but more importantly, the way that you communicate it. And when they overstep those boundaries,
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how to actually tell them that's a boundary that I have. I get that it's difficult, but I will say
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that the first time you do it is the most difficult. And every time you uphold a boundary from there,
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it's much easier. So if you and your wife are having a disagreement and she starts to raise her
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voice or starts to belittle you or berate you, that's not acceptable. And you don't need to
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bad mouth her. You don't need to get super defensive. You don't need to go on the offensive,
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which is what a lot of guys will do because they feel threatened. Very simply it's, Hey,
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we're not going to talk to each other like that. Now that's hard again for a recovering nice guy.
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Who's never said anything like that. He's worried about the risk of alienating the relationship,
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making it more strained than it needs to be. But I'll tell you what, every time I've done that,
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it makes the discussion better and it improves the level of respect that I have from other people.
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The way you do it is important. If I get defensive and I yell back and say, don't talk to me like that.
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That's not what I'm suggesting. But if you very clearly and calmly suggest, Hey, I won't be talked
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to you like that. Let's bring the temperature down. I've done this personally. I've done this
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professionally. It works every time. Hey, we're going to bring the temperature down. You're not
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going to yell at me. I'm not going to yell at you. You're not going to berate me or belittle me or make
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me feel foolish. I'm willing to have this discussion with you, but here's the guidelines. Here are the
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parameters in which we can have this discussion. If you can do that, great. We'll have the discussion.
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If you can't, not interested. Another way to establish boundaries is with your time.
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I think about this quite often. People will message me in the evening or ask for things
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outside of my work hours. I don't do that within reason. Of course, I make exceptions. I want to be
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clear on that. But for the most part, everybody knows my hours. If somebody messaged me outside of
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hours for something professionally, I'm very simply going to say, hey, I acknowledge your request and
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I'll get back with you tomorrow midday. And then I do it. But I don't make other people's problems
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my priority because they're not. Now, there are, again, exceptions. If one of my children, for example,
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I get a message or a call from my ex-wife and she says, hey, uh, your son broke his leg today
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at school. Of course, I'm going to put everything down, run over to the hospital, make sure he's
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good. There's exceptions to that. But for the most part, yeah, if people make requests of me and I've
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got a to-do list with my battle planner right here, a mile long, if it doesn't fit into this plan,
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I'm not doing it. That's not to say I won't serve and help where I can and where appropriate,
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but this is the priority. When I get this battle plan done and I do my task list,
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I'm much more productive for everybody else. But I don't let people dictate what my schedule is.
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I dictate what my schedule is. And if people start to cross that boundary, very simply, hey,
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I'm not going to do that right now. I don't ever lie, by the way, too. A lot of guys will lie.
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They'll say, I can't do that. That's a lie. You can do it. You're choosing not to.
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I won't be able to do that. That's also a lie. You are able to do it, but you're choosing not to.
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So the honest answer is, no, I'm not going to do that right now. I have other things that need
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to get accomplished, but I can do that tomorrow at noon. How does that sound? Because if you want
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to develop and build an additional level of respect than the baseline, you have to be honest. You can't
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lie to people. It actually sounds weak. When I say to somebody, hey, you know, this weekend,
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can you bring your truck over and help me move some things around? And they say, I'm sorry, I can't.
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I know you can. I absolutely know that you can, but you're choosing not to. And that doesn't make
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you a bad person. It means that you maybe had date night planned with your wife or a vacation you're
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going on, or you were planning on watching the football game that's important to you.
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But just be honest about it. If it's the football game, say, hey, you know what? The football game
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is on from two to five. And so I can either do it before or after, but that's an important game for
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me. And I want to watch that game. I can either live with that or not, but I know that my level
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of respect for you will go up when you're honest about what your priorities are. And you clearly
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communicate those things with me, which leads me into point number two, which is effective
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communication. We are horrible, horrible communicators. And anytime that I get frustrated
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with somebody, interpersonal communication, or even if it's on social media, I try as best I can
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to give them the benefit of the doubt and just assume that they're not probably a horrible person.
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They're just not good at communication, just like me. I was talking with a good friend of mine.
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And he's in the iron council and we were talking about communication and he was, I'm trying to be
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a little bit discreet about this because it is his personal situation. So I'm not going to disclose
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all the details, but, uh, he is trying to improve the way that he shows up for his family and the way
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he presents and communicates and shows up for, for the people he loves. And because he's trying to be
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more mature and not get into emotional outbursts, not getting into a shouting or a rage match, his wife
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has begun to interpret it as apathy because he's not getting fired up and worked up. And this is new
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for her. She almost assumes that it's a lack of interest or care. And so she might say something
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like, well, what's wrong with you? You don't seem like you care. And, and he might say, well, I'm fine.
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That's, that's not great communication. The best, even though you might actually be fine. I think
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that if you want to build connections and relationships with other people, you do owe them
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a little bit of an explanation, especially if it's changed behavior. So in this case, we were talking
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about it and I said, Hey, you know, instead of saying you're fine, why don't you say the truth?
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And the truth is I'm trying to respond more positively. I'm trying to be more mature. I'm
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trying to be more level-headed. I don't want you to think I'm uninterested, but I'm trying to stay above
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the yelling and the shouting and the hostility towards each other in some ways that is completely
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acceptable. And I think that actually gives the other party something to go on. Don't you guys hate
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it when your wife says I'm fine? You say, Hey babe, what's wrong? You seem like agitated or short.
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I'm fine. Number one, you know, she's not fine universally. And number two, that gives you no
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feedback to even improve the relationship. Now, if she said, Hey, you know what? I'm a little upset.
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I need 10 minutes. Just leave me the hell alone. I can do that. I can leave you alone for 10 minutes.
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I can leave you alone for an hour. I can let you have your space and your time, but like, help me.
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Give me some feedback. Give me something to go on. If I had a really bad day, the kids were jerks and
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smeared poop on the walls and crayons everywhere. And, you know, painted the dog with a can of spray
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paint. They found out in the garage. I just need a minute. Like, just please leave me alone. I can do
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that. We, we can all do that, but you have to communicate it. And the same goes for you. When you get
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home and you're agitated and frustrated about work, instead of just saying, I'm fine, just leave me
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alone. I'm fine. Maybe communicate. Hey babe, look, rough day at the office. Boss yelled at me,
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lost a big client, didn't get that bid, et cetera, et cetera. I need 30 minutes. I'm going to run
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outside. I'm going to just do lap around the property, or I'm going to like think, or I'm just
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going to tinker in the garage for about 30 minutes. It's not that I don't want to be here. It's not that
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I don't love you. It's not that I'm not excited to be home. I just need 30 minutes. That's honesty.
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And that's the truth. And somebody who loves you, like your wife or your kids will understand that
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if you get done within 30 minutes and you come back and you're in a much better place.
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But don't cut people short, especially the people that you care about. If you're frustrated with your
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wife, tell her in a respectful way. If you're frustrated with your kids, tell them in a respectful
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way. If you're frustrated with life and you're taking it out on your clients or your boss or your
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colleagues or your coworkers or your friends, tell them what is going on. So they have something to
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operate on. And I think most people are more than willing to acquiesce to your standards, to your
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requests, if you communicate them effectively. Let's get into point number three, following through
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on your commitments. And what I would say here is that when you make a commitment, you don't need
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to proclaim that to anybody. A lot of guys do this. I've done this. Babe, you know, it's the end of the
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year. I'm going to lose a bunch of weight. I'm going to lose 15, 20, 30 pounds, and it's going to be
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awesome. And I'm, I'm amazing and everything else. You don't, don't, don't proclaim that.
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Now you might share your goals with her and how you're going to do it in your plans, but you're not
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doing it to get acknowledgement, notoriety, recognition, et cetera, from her. You just
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have to do it. And then you let the actions speak for themselves. So if you said to yourself,
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I'm going to lose 20 pounds in the next three months. And then you actively get at doing it
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instead of just telling her like, Oh, I couldn't today because I'm tired or the gym was closed or I
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forgot my key to the gym. That's not going to garner you any respect. In fact, it's going to
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do the exact opposite. Keep your mouth shut and do the work. And guess what? The next time you hop out
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of the shower and you're down 15 pounds, you don't need to say a thing. She's going to look at it and
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say, it looks pretty good. When your clothes don't fit anymore, you need to punch a new hole in your belt
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because it's starting to tighten it up a little bit. That's, that's the thing that's going to
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speak louder than you saying, I'm doing a good job, right? That's not how you garner respect from
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people. The way that you garner respect is by doing the work that you committed to doing and then letting
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the results speak for themselves. So you don't need to go to your boss and say, Hey boss, didn't I do,
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didn't I do such a good job? That's desperate. That's needy. That actually, in a lot of ways,
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can undermine respect. But if you just put your head down, nose to the grindstone, get to work,
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follow through on what you say you're going to do, and then achieve the results, people will see that.
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I promise you, you don't need to be flapping your gums at them. People will see that and they will
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treat you accordingly. They might not blatantly come out and say, Hey, you've done a really good job,
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but I'll guarantee if you lose 15 or 20 pounds, your wife is going to be more inclined to be intimate
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with you. She might not say you look so good. She might, but she might not say it, but I guarantee
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she's going to initiate a little bit more. Your boss might not say, Hey, you know, you've done such
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a great job over the past quarter and just really appreciate your hard work and your efforts, but
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you know what? He might offer you a raise or he might give you another task or a project or an
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assignment to test. If you're ready, our actions speak louder than our words. So don't worry so much
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about telling people all the good and wonderful things you're going to do or did do or everything
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else. Let your results speak for themselves. Number four, a lot of guys miss this one because
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we think it's gay. We do. And that is to present well. There's a couple of different categories I
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wrote down here. Number one, it's your dress and your appearance. Number two, it's your manners.
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Well, I said number, excuse me, let me back up. Number one is your dress. Number two are your manners
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or mannerisms. Number three is your appearance. And then number four is your vocabulary. So let's
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break this down briefly into each one of these. Your dress. Are you dressed appropriately? Now,
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every time I bring up attire and dress, people say, Oh, real men don't care about. That's not true at
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all. If you really didn't care about what you look like, you'd go out buck naked to your client
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appointments to, to the, to work, to interactions with your family, because that's obviously the most
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comfortable, but you do care. And you did pick out a pair of pants today and you did put on the shoes
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that you bought and you did put that shirt over your head and through your arms. Why did you pick
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that color? Why did you pick that fit? Why did you pick that style? Because you believed whether
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accurate or inaccurate that that effectively communicated what you wanted it to communicate.
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Now, some guys will say, well, I don't care. I just put on a pair of ratty jeans and dirty jeans and I
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don't care. That actually means you care because you put on a ratty pair of jeans because you want it
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to say something about yourself. What do you want it to say that I don't care? Everything that you put
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on is an indicator of what and who you are and what you believe. Now I'm not telling you, you need to
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dress like James Bond and have a three piece suit on and every interaction. I don't look, I'm wearing an
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order of man windbreaker. I've got our new order of man hat on. I've got an order of man logo over this
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shoulder right here. Clearly I'm not in a three piece suit, but this is very appropriate for the
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conversation that I'm having with you guys. I wouldn't wear the snowboarding or skiing because
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I'll freeze my balls off. I wouldn't wear this. If I'm going on a very romantic date with my
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girlfriend, I'm probably going to dress hopefully a little nicer and maybe do my hair. But if I'm
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going over there to lounge and to hang out and enjoy each other's company, I actually might put
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on a nice pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt because that's what the situation calls for.
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But you need to be very aware of what you're wearing and what it says about you. Number two,
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your mannerisms. Are you rude? Are you brash? Are you arrogant? Are you braggadocious? Are you obnoxious
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because you think that's what people want to hear? Or are you polite and respectful and gracious and
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caring and empathetic towards other people? Now we can, we can adapt depending on the circumstance.
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If I'm up doing a sales presentation or standing in front of 500 people or a thousand people or
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5,000 people and doing a keynote speech, it's going to be different than the way that I might
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communicate one-to-one with one of my children. I can adapt. I'm a grown man. I can adjust. I can
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read the room, so to speak, and decide how I'm going to respond based on what the environment and the
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situation calls for. But your mannerisms are crucial. Are you crude? Are you gross? Are you obnoxious?
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When you shouldn't be? If you are, consider that. What's your language look like? I've got really
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good friends in the realm of self-development that they swear all the time. Like, why are you swearing?
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I do too, by the way. And I try to catch myself and that's actually something I'm working on.
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But when I hear guys just dropping the F-bomb, like it's every part of speech and it's every other word,
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I can't help but think, does this guy not have anything better to do or say other than drop
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fillers like the F-bomb or swear words, ums, ahs? Swear words are in the same category.
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You hear their podcasts. And some of you have even called me out on. I try to be aware of when I'm
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swearing. And I'm not saying don't swear, but maybe use it intelligently to get your message across or
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to get a point across. That's more powerful than just saying the F-bomb every third word.
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What are your mannerisms saying about who you are and how you show up? Appearance.
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It's not just your dress, but it's your physical appearance. Are you fat and bloated and tired
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and out of shape and lazy? Like, does it look like you're a chipmunk with a bunch of acorns in your
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cheeks and you're trying to walk around telling people why they should be disciplined or why they
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should trust you to handle their personal needs as, as a client? Like if I go into, for example,
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a financial advisor and he's fat and he's gross and he's out of shape and he hasn't shaved for a few
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days and he looks like a fricking train wreck. And he's telling me about being disciplined with my
00:20:12.480
money. Pardon me if I don't really quite believe him. But if I go in there and he's got, you know,
00:20:20.220
a beard and his manicure and it's groomed and he's got a good pairing, a good fitting pair of
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pants on and a jacket on and he's respectful and his office space is clean and not just a bunch of
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clutter and bullcrap everywhere. Yeah. I'm going to be more prone to have some respect for that
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individual. One, one place that shows up really well is if I randomly happen to get into a friend
00:20:50.920
or acquaintance's car, maybe I want to ride with that person or whatever. And they have to clear off
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their seat and get all the bullshit out of there. There I go swearing again, but get all the bullcrap
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out of there. That doesn't garner respect. If on the other hand, I see that I open the door,
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the seat's clear. There's no Big Mac or sausage McMuffin wrappers sitting on the floorboards as I
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try to step into this person's car who I want to build a relationship with. I'm more likely to
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respect that person. I can hear it a little bit now. People are like, oh, you shouldn't judge.
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I don't, you say that all you want. Every single one of us judge.
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If I see a guy who's overweight, I'm going to judge.
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If I get into a person's car and it's gross and it smells bad and there's wrappers everywhere,
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I'm going to judge. If I go into somebody's office and it looks like a train wreck and they've got
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paperwork and clutter everywhere, I'm going to judge that that person is probably not real organized.
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You are too. I know the Christian thing is to say, I don't judge. You do. All of us do. So use it to
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your advantage. And then the fourth component of this is your vocabulary. And part of that is
00:22:07.160
swearing. We talked about that a little earlier. And I'm not saying that swearing is bad, by the way,
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but again, read the room. If I'm with a bunch of military members, LEOs, swearing is par for the
00:22:19.020
course and it's probably going to be okay. But if I'm in a room full of ladies or I'm with my girlfriend
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and her daughter or my children, I'm going to try to refrain from swearing. Not that I don't,
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I certainly do, but I'm going to try to refrain or at least limit the swearing because I care about
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what those people think of me. And that is the ultimate root of this. Do you care about that
00:22:40.200
person? Modern cultural says, don't care about anybody. Zero Fs. I don't care what anybody thinks
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of me. That's stupid. That is so arrogant and ridiculous. And it's not doing you any service.
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I do care about what people think of me. The right people. I don't care about what the wrong people
00:23:00.080
think about me, but the right people, my girlfriend, her daughter, my kids, you guys listening. I care
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about what you think, which helps me to be more presentable in a way that resonates with you.
00:23:11.560
All right, let's move on to number five. Consistency guys. It's very easy to listen to
00:23:16.960
this podcast or, you know, we're on the eve of, of a new year to say my new year's resolution is I'm
00:23:23.820
going to lose 20 pounds. I'm going to make a hundred thousand more than this year than I did last year.
00:23:29.140
I'm going to go run that marathon. I'm going to find a new woman. I'm going to whatever, fill in the
00:23:33.560
blank. That's easy. That is so easy to do. In fact, you can post that all, all over social media.
00:23:42.200
I'm going to run a marathon this year and everybody will congratulate you as if you've actually done
00:23:47.420
something. What did you do? Use your fat thumbs to type in some update on Facebook that you have
00:23:55.120
no intention of following through on. And everybody's going to give you the praise and accolades and the
00:23:59.360
notoriety that comes with actually running the marathon. You have to be consistent.
00:24:07.540
It's not enough to be good for a week. Anybody can do that. Sometimes when I'm working out,
00:24:13.120
you know, I might have 30 seconds of a plank that I need to hold. I need to hold for an additional 30
00:24:20.600
seconds. And in my mind, I'm shaking and trembling and I've already done it for a minute and a half.
00:24:25.740
And I'm like, I don't know if I can make two minutes. And I'm just trembling as I'm doing this
00:24:29.160
plank. And I see that little clock and it says 30 seconds. I can do anything for 30 seconds.
00:24:36.440
You can do anything for a day longer. If you're trying to diet and lock in that weight and you're
00:24:42.160
tempted at the end of the night, after a long, hard day to just gorge yourself on Oreo cookies and
00:24:49.940
goldfish, goldfish are my go-to, not Cheez-Its. Cheez-Its are my go-to. Triscuits too. Cheez-Its
00:24:55.920
and Triscuits. If you're tempted to gorge yourself on that, just tell yourself, hey, anybody can go
00:25:01.480
for another 12 hours. I'm not going to eat that now. I'm going to go for 12 more out. Anybody can
00:25:06.380
do that. You can do that, but you have to be consistent. A lot of the times I hear from guys
00:25:13.620
who are like, hey, you know, Ryan, I'm really trying to rekindle the relationship I have with
00:25:16.960
my wife. We've been on the rocks for three years and it's been a struggle and she's feeling it and I'm
00:25:21.300
feeling it and it's heavy and I've been doing all these things for the last 30 days and she
00:25:25.200
doesn't even acknowledge or appreciate what I'm doing. Bro, you spent a decade treating her like
00:25:31.700
garbage. You spent a decade not following through on your commitments. Forgive me if I don't believe
00:25:43.000
that you just won't revert right back to the way you were after 30 days. Do that for a year.
00:25:50.940
Do that for two years. Hell, do it for a quarter. Do it for 90 days and then maybe I'll start taking
00:25:57.220
you more seriously. But nobody owes you their blind allegiance because you're changing this week
00:26:03.960
or because you were really good the last 24 hours. I don't care. You spent the last 24 years
00:26:12.260
proving to me otherwise. I'm sorry, 24 hours. I'm going to cut it for me and believing that you've
00:26:17.660
actually changed. Be consistent, show up day in and day out, regardless of the results, regardless
00:26:25.620
of how you feel, regardless of whether or not people acknowledge it, just show up and be consistent.
00:26:31.200
Number six, character. When I was younger, I remember a very specific example. My stepfather
00:26:38.500
asked me to, I think one of the dogs had dug a hole in the grass.
00:26:44.100
And as I was mowing the lawn, that was part of my job, mow the lawn every Saturday morning.
00:26:48.440
He said, Hey, Ryan, I'd like you to fill that hole that the dog dug, go out to the back and just cut
00:26:55.040
a little piece of sod out there, fill the hole, put that sod in, make it look nice, cut it right.
00:27:00.300
And he gave me the proper instruction. I got done with mowing the lawn and I was like,
00:27:04.600
I'm so tired. It's hot. This is miserable. And so I grabbed a piece of sod. It wasn't cut to the
00:27:10.160
right size. And I just kind of like threw it on top of the hole. No dirt, nothing else. Just threw
00:27:15.240
it on top of the hole. And I go inside and I'm like, Hey, I just got that lawn mowed. He's like,
00:27:19.580
Oh cool. Good job. Did you get that hole filled? I'm like, yeah, I got the hole filled. He's like,
00:27:24.540
good. Let's take a look. And immediately my heart sunk because I didn't do it right. I knew I didn't do
00:27:31.760
it right. And we go out there and he's like, he sees the hole with a piece of grass on the top.
00:27:38.280
And he's like, you know, Ryan, he said, character is what you do when no one's looking.
00:27:47.240
And he walked back inside and my heart sunk even lower than it already was. And he was right
00:27:55.600
because had he not checked, I would have been okay with the work that I did. And so I went out
00:28:03.780
to the back of the property, I shoveled two or three scoops of dirt. I put it in there. I packed
00:28:08.900
it down. I did it right. I cut the piece of grass the right way. And I put it in there
00:28:12.580
and did it the right way, which is what I should have done the first time.
00:28:16.120
But that's what character is. I wrote a couple of things down here. Character is putting your shopping
00:28:21.480
cart away. I get it. You ran into Walmart. You got a bunch of stuff. The kids are screaming.
00:28:27.920
Your baby's crying. You need to get home. You've got things to do. And it's like, okay,
00:28:31.520
load the shit up. And then just like put the pot, the shopping cart, wherever. No. It's character.
00:28:40.160
Now it's easy to say when it comes to getting more respect that people won't see that, but I promise
00:28:45.160
you they are. Your kids are watching you. The things that you don't think they're observing,
00:28:50.240
they are. Your clients are watching you. Your boss is watching you. The people at work are
00:28:58.940
watching you. There are eyes on you all the time. And even if there weren't doing the right
00:29:04.760
thing is the right thing. The other day I was, where was I? Oh, I was at the gym. So the gym
00:29:12.720
working out and pretty typically, you know, that most gyms will ask you to wipe down your equipment
00:29:17.940
when you're done. And the gym that I go into has little stations with wet wipes scattered
00:29:24.420
throughout the gym to make it convenient and easy. And so I got done on a machine. I can't
00:29:30.520
remember which one it was. And I walked over to a little wet wipe station and I grabbed a
00:29:33.680
wet wipe out of there and I started to wipe down my machine. And I looked over and there
00:29:36.720
was a wet wipe, a dried wet wipe sitting under the machine. Is that my responsibility? No,
00:29:42.220
I didn't put it there. I didn't leave it there. They have employees that will clean
00:29:48.700
up. So it's easy to say, that's not my job. I don't ask. I'm not. That's, it's not my
00:29:55.120
responsibility. You're right. You're not wrong. That isn't your responsibility. But what if
00:30:00.400
you just bent, bent over and just picked up that piece of trash? I mean, you're going to
00:30:06.740
walk by a trash can anyways. As my friend, Andy Frisilla would say, if you go into the
00:30:13.140
toilet and you pee all over the toilet seat, just wipe the toilet seat up. Why wouldn't
00:30:20.140
you do that? It's picking up the trash. It's wiping down the toilet seat. It's making the
00:30:25.500
environment better than it was when you got there. And if I leave from my gym session and
00:30:30.500
I know that that is a better place when I leave than when I got there, I feel pretty good
00:30:35.540
about myself and that's how you develop respect. All right, let's move to number seven. Motive.
00:30:42.020
I talked a little bit about this. Your motive should always be, I do the right thing. My
00:30:51.340
friend and co-host with the Ask Me Anything on this podcast often talks about doing the right
00:30:59.140
thing regardless of the outcome. But most people, myself included, and I would say him too, in
00:31:05.040
some instances, will filter the right decisions through whether or not it's going to produce
00:31:10.600
a favorable outcome. And I would suggest, and I think he would too, Kip, would say that that's
00:31:15.700
not the right way to look at it. If it's the right thing to do, the outcome really doesn't
00:31:23.320
matter. If, for example, I see a friend of mine who happens to be struggling with addiction
00:31:30.540
or depression or infidelity. I mean, just having a hard time in life. And I see it and I see
00:31:40.800
him struggling. I have a couple of different choices. One is I don't say anything. I let
00:31:51.140
it ride. I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to make it weird. I don't want to
00:31:55.700
alienate our relationship. I don't want him to think less of me. I don't want to get into
00:31:59.440
a fight. That's one option. It's valid because those are real concerns. Option two is you actually
00:32:08.440
address it. Hey, man, I see you struggling with addiction or temptation. I see the way that
00:32:17.440
you're flirting with our coworker and you're married. And I would just advise you to be careful
00:32:23.940
because I care about you and I care about your marriage. That's risky because you could
00:32:29.140
potentially alienate the relationship. In fact, you likely will. If you call another man out and
00:32:35.600
say that, like, let's say you've got a coworker and you know, he's married, you know him, you know,
00:32:40.740
his wife, you know, his kids, and he's flirting with the secretary a little too much. And you say
00:32:45.060
something, the likelihood is him getting defensive. That is more likely than him being receptive to what
00:32:50.860
you're about to share. But if it's the right thing to do, it really doesn't matter if you put
00:32:56.720
the relationship at risk. Now you're not going to go call his wife and rat him out, but you're going
00:33:02.400
to address him like a man and say, Hey man, you've been married for 15 years. You've got a beautiful
00:33:07.020
wife. You've got an incredible family. You've got two kids at home. You've got one on the way. What
00:33:12.920
the hell are you doing? I love you. I care about you. So you can't be doing this and you need to
00:33:21.560
rein it in. That's what a respectable man would do. And he may not appreciate it initially,
00:33:30.260
but it's the right thing to do. So let's stop filtering our decisions through what might or
00:33:41.100
might not happen. And as I say this, I know a lot of guys are going to think to themselves,
00:33:46.900
well, you know, what about this? And what? No, you're filtering. What you're doing is you're
00:33:51.420
rationalizing and you're justifying things that you know you should do or should not do.
00:34:00.200
Don't do that. You know, right from wrong. You know, when you need to speak up, you know,
00:34:07.040
when you need to uphold boundaries, you know, when you need to communicate to other people,
00:34:11.900
things that are going to be confrontational, do it. Sure. Learn the skill of doing it effectively,
00:34:18.240
but do it. It's going to hurt in the short term and you're going to risk relationships and people
00:34:27.580
are probably going to be mad at you and frustrated with you. You might alienate even relationships or
00:34:33.360
situations, but you know what? It's the right thing to do. And I believe with every fiber of my being
00:34:38.820
that doing the right thing, and I'm not saying I always do the right thing, but I will tell you
00:34:43.280
that every time I've done the right thing, even though there's a short-term pain associated with
00:34:47.820
it, there's a long-term gain. Even if it means that I can just look myself in the mirror, that's
00:34:54.920
enough for me. All right, let's go to number eight. And we've got two more. So we got eight and nine.
00:34:59.740
Number eight is the confidence-competence continuum. I've been doing this for over 10,
00:35:05.280
almost 10 years now. And one of the reoccurring themes that I hear from a lot of guys is how do
00:35:12.020
I build confidence? And they think that it's just some miraculous decision that they need to make.
00:35:16.660
Like I just need to be confident. I don't think that's how it works. The way confidence works is
00:35:22.560
that it's a by-product of competence, which is a by-product of courage.
00:35:29.740
So if you can be courageous in your actions, whether it's confronting somebody that needs
00:35:34.020
to be confronted in a tactful way, in an appropriate way, or whether it's taking on that
00:35:38.660
new business venture, or asking for a promotion, or asking that beautiful woman out on a date,
00:35:43.220
or asking for her hand in marriage, that requires courage. And when you have courage and you start
00:35:49.120
to do those things, like asking clients for their business, or asking clients for a referral,
00:35:54.200
what ends up happening because you're exhibiting courage is you develop some competency.
00:36:00.020
A lot of guys, for example, are not great with women. They don't know how to talk to attractive
00:36:04.520
women. They see an attractive woman, their heart beats, and it's beating out of their chest,
00:36:09.040
and they get weird and awkward and say dumb things. That happens a lot. But the more women you talk with,
00:36:15.320
the less likely it is that you're going to be scared or nervous or awkward in front of an attractive
00:36:20.020
woman. It's the competence cycle. And then what happens, because you exhibited courage,
00:36:25.900
and because of that courage, you develop some level of competency, the byproduct, courage plus
00:36:33.960
confidence, excuse me, competence equals confidence. You don't get to manufacture it.
00:36:41.740
You can manufacture ego, arrogance, pride, all of that can be manufactured, but you cannot
00:36:49.920
manufacture confidence. It has to be earned. And it's an equation, courage, competence.
00:36:57.300
So if you do something long enough and you do it well, and you're humble about the way that you
00:37:01.620
learn and you get better and you develop, the confidence will come, but that's not easy.
00:37:07.780
Like how, how does a grown man look himself in the mirror and he's 50 pounds overweight and say,
00:37:12.420
I'm good with where I am. He's lying to himself. He's not good with that. He doesn't want to take
00:37:17.240
his clothes off in front of his wife. He doesn't want to walk by the mirror in the public restroom
00:37:23.140
while he's at work. He doesn't want to sit down because he knows his gut is going to hang over
00:37:28.300
his, his, uh, waistline. And he knows that you don't think that's impacting you. Of course it's
00:37:34.840
impacting you. But if you go to the gym every day and you bust your tail and you're conscious about what
00:37:40.640
you eat, as I get older, 43 years old, I got to be more conscious than I ever have. Um, I've been on
00:37:46.440
a, uh, a fitness journey. I would say over the past, I've been going hard now for the past, I would say
00:37:52.060
60 days and I'm, and I'm losing weight and I'm getting stronger and guess what comes with it?
00:37:58.740
Confidence. But I could not have manufactured that. I could have manufactured ego, arrogance, pride, all
00:38:04.020
those other things, but not confidence. All right. And the last one here guys is in order to develop
00:38:09.240
and get more respect from other people is you have to make decisions.
00:38:15.320
We don't like to make decisions because it's scary. Because when you make a decision,
00:38:23.060
it's either right or wrong. It will either work or it won't work. And if it works, all praise to you.
00:38:33.140
If it doesn't work, you're going to be thrown under that bus. And that's the risk. And you have
00:38:43.400
to ask yourself, if I want to gain more respect from other people, am I willing to risk making
00:38:48.980
the wrong decision? Now, here's the beautiful part. Most of the decisions that we make in life
00:38:53.060
are not life and death. If your wife says to you, Hey hon, like let's go out on a date. Where do you
00:38:59.500
think we should go? And you suggest a place it's not life or death? Cause she's a big girl too. And
00:39:04.940
she could say, yeah, that sounds good. Or she could say, I don't really like that place. Do you have
00:39:08.200
any other thoughts? Don't ever defer to anybody else. Don't get that out of your system. If somebody
00:39:18.240
asks you something, Hey, where would you like to eat? Never, never say, I don't know what sounds good
00:39:25.680
to you. That person asked you. They didn't ask you to determine what they think they should eat.
00:39:32.580
They asked you for a reason. So be a man and say, you know, I'd really like to go to In-N-Out tonight.
00:39:40.020
Or I'd really like to take you to that steakhouse. Or, you know, sushi sounds pretty good today.
00:39:46.740
Trusting that they're a big person. They're an adult, a grown woman or a grown man. And they can say,
00:39:51.580
you know what? Sushi doesn't sound good. Do you have any other thoughts? As a matter of fact, I do.
00:39:58.280
the Hawaiian grill place that we like. And then you can allow people to say yes or no.
00:40:07.660
But make decisions. If your wife says to you, Hey, what do you think about how we're raising the
00:40:14.240
kids? Like our son seems to be struggling. Give her an answer. Like stop beating
00:40:21.560
around the bush. If she says, what should we do? What should we get the kids for Christmas?
00:40:24.780
Give her an answer. I'm not suggesting it's the right one all the time, but give her an answer. Damn.
00:40:33.440
If she says, how do you feel about, be honest. We talked about honesty earlier.
00:40:39.380
Hey, how do you feel about me taking this new job? If you're not excited about it, tell her that.
00:40:45.800
Hey, I'm not really excited about it. I think that there's some concerns I have about the stability
00:40:51.820
of the job or whether or not you'll, you'll like doing it. I'm open to being wrong on it, but that's
00:40:57.520
how I feel. The people who communicate effectively and assert themselves, not in a power trip,
00:41:07.080
egotistical, arrogant kind of way, but just very assertive, bold, authentic kind of way are the
00:41:14.280
people who gain respect and the people in my life can tell me no. And if they say no, I accept it.
00:41:21.220
You know, my girlfriend says to me, Hey, what would you like for dinner? And I say, I really want to go
00:41:25.360
to Benja's. I love their sushi. And she's like, I'm not feeling sushi. I'm like, Oh, that's cool.
00:41:29.260
You know, how about we go up to the first place that we ever went on a date and we go up to a
00:41:32.900
cliffside. And she's like, yeah, that sounds better. That's way better than her saying, Hey,
00:41:39.440
where'd you like to eat? You're like, I don't really know what you want to eat. That's weak.
00:41:46.000
That is not leadership. If your boss comes to you and says, Hey, you know what, man,
00:41:52.300
this project didn't go as well as I could have gone. Do you have any insight? Instead of saying,
00:41:58.960
I don't know, I don't know, man, I really haven't thought of it. I don't know what we should do.
00:42:02.180
You said, you know what, here's what I think we messed up on. We didn't have enough capital
00:42:07.080
invested in the project. We didn't have enough time to get it done. We didn't have the right
00:42:10.780
suppliers. And so that's what I think. And if we want to do this again, here's what I suggest
00:42:14.860
who gets more respect. The guy that asserts himself always. So start making decisions.
00:42:24.920
One of the things I get quite often is people reach out and they're like, Hey, I'd love to have
00:42:28.600
you in the podcast. We'd like to join me. I'm like, sure. I'd love to join you. And then they'll say,
00:42:32.700
well, cool. Like, when would you like to record? I don't know.
00:42:37.080
Now I tell them because I make decisions. So I say, I can record Tuesday at three or
00:42:41.480
Thursday at 10, what works best for you. But what would it be like if I said, yes,
00:42:46.880
I'd love to come on your podcast. And they messaged me back and said, great.
00:42:49.720
I have Tuesday from noon to five open or Thursday from eight to 12 open. Do you think I respect that
00:42:57.220
guy more or less than the guy that says, I don't know. What do you think? Like one would be good for
00:43:01.460
you. Position yourself as an authority, as somebody who's sure of themselves, as somebody who has
00:43:10.180
control over their calendar. Cause that's what people read into when you're like, I don't know.
00:43:15.920
What do you think? I can do it whenever. What I think is this guy doesn't have anything going on.
00:43:21.220
He can just meet me whenever. Doesn't he have other things to do? That's what I think.
00:43:25.840
And then I, I'm the one who has to make the decision when you're the one who reached out to
00:43:31.640
me, make decisions, guys, be bold. It's okay. Some of you, I was going to say, we're not talking
00:43:39.520
about brain surgery for some of you, maybe for some of you, life and death situations. If you're in the
00:43:44.360
military or police or LEO of some sort, yeah, some of that is life and death situation. And you'll gain
00:43:49.560
that through the confidence, competence continuum we talked about, but we have to make better
00:43:54.660
decisions. So those are my nine things. I feel like I maybe rambled a little bit on those things,
00:44:00.180
but this is crucial. I think if we get this right, we improve so much more about our lives. We make more
00:44:07.520
money. We have deeper, more, more connection, more intimacy, more wealth, more prosperity, more
00:44:15.840
fulfillment, more enjoyment, more of whatever it is you're after. Let's recap. Number one, boundaries.
00:44:22.420
Number two, effective communication. Number three, following through on commitments. Number four,
00:44:28.460
presenting yourself well. Number five, consistency. Number six, character, doing the right thing when
00:44:35.480
nobody's looking. Number seven, your motives for what you're doing. It's always, the motive is always,
00:44:40.280
this is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome. Number eight, the confidence, competence
00:44:44.420
continuum. And number nine, we just talked about it, making decisions, being decisive. All right,
00:44:51.460
guys. I hope that helps. If you want to do more of these things and you want to connect with other
00:44:56.520
men who are respectable and respectful, and they're implementing these nine things in their lives,
00:45:01.740
then I would encourage you to join the Iron Council. Guys, we open up December 15th, and I'm
00:45:05.900
going to be bold because I told you to assert yourself and make decisions. Join us on December 15th.
00:45:14.040
There's hundreds, if not thousands of you who have heard me talk about the Iron Council,
00:45:18.500
and you're like, I don't know, sounds good, but maybe it's expensive. Like, no, make a decision.
00:45:26.860
Shit or get out the pot, in other words. If you've ever thought, hey, I'm going to give this a try,
00:45:37.920
Or if you're like, I don't want to do that, then just make the decision that's a no. And that's okay
00:45:44.060
too. But I don't want people sitting on the fence. Yes or no. If it's yes, join us. If it's no,
00:45:54.620
maybe the timing's off. Maybe it's not right. Maybe there's something I can help you with or
00:45:58.100
answer a question. I'm happy to do, but we'd love to see more of you in there. This is the last
00:46:02.300
enrollment for 2024. If you go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil, you're going to talk about
00:46:08.040
these things with me and other people. You're going to be on a team that holds you accountable.
00:46:11.960
You're going to be holding other people accountable. This is not a one-way street.
00:46:15.780
You're going to be working with other people to hold them accountable and giving back.
00:46:19.840
Go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. All right, gents. We'll be back next week on Tuesday.
00:46:24.620
Until then, go out there, take action, build more respect for yourself, and become the man you
00:46:32.300
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:46:40.520
and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.