Order of Man - How to Get More Respect ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 The way that you garner respect is by doing the work that you committed to doing and then letting

00:00:04.700 the results speak for themselves. So you don't need to go to your boss and say, hey boss, didn't

00:00:08.660 I do such a good job? That's desperate. That's needy. That actually, in a lot of ways, can

00:00:14.640 undermine respect. But if you just put your head down, nose to the grindstone, get to work,

00:00:20.480 follow through on what you say you're going to do, and then achieve the results, people will see

00:00:24.780 that. I promise you, you don't need to be flapping your gums at them. People will see that and they

00:00:29.640 will treat you accordingly.

00:00:33.840 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:38.860 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You

00:00:44.440 are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This

00:00:50.720 is who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said

00:00:55.780 and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:59.640 You've all heard of love languages, whether it's words of affirmation, gift giving, physical

00:01:06.900 touch, quality time, et cetera, et cetera. And while I think there's some value to that,

00:01:12.840 I would suggest to you that the love language of men is respect. Now, sure, I like to be touched

00:01:19.220 physically by the woman in my life. I like words of affirmation. I like gifts. I like quality time.

00:01:24.960 I like acts of service. I like all of that. But if you want to get to the root of what a

00:01:29.240 man really wants and desires in his life, it's a level of respect from not only his romantic

00:01:34.600 interest, but also his friends and colleagues and coworkers and everybody else. So today I'm

00:01:39.940 going to talk with you about nine things that you can do to garner and gain more respect in

00:01:45.220 the right way. This is not about manipulation. This is not about gaming the system or making

00:01:51.320 people think you're better or different than you are. This is about true respect. Now, granted,

00:01:57.220 there is a baseline level of respect that I believe that I and others should give to everybody unless

00:02:02.980 they prove otherwise that they're worthy of it. But if you want to get ultimate maximum respect from

00:02:09.240 your wife, your colleagues, your clients, your friends, your coworkers, your kids, follow these

00:02:15.260 nine steps to the T and you will certainly achieve that. All right, let's break it down. Number one,

00:02:20.500 boundaries. Man, you've heard me talk about boundaries ad nauseum. I talk about it all the

00:02:26.300 time. If you don't know what you will tolerate and what you won't, if you're not willing to

00:02:33.320 communicate that effectively with other people, if you're not willing to uphold that with other

00:02:37.720 people, there is no level of respect that people will have for you. You are going to be run roughshod

00:02:43.140 over. You're going to be manipulated. You're going to be taken advantage of. You're going to be

00:02:47.200 discarded. You're going to be overlooked. You're going to miss promotions. Your wife isn't going

00:02:51.720 to have any respect for you. You're certainly not going to get laid. Your kids aren't really

00:02:55.600 going to care what you have to say. Your clients are going to move to the next person who offers

00:02:59.440 a better deal. You have to have boundaries. I know for recovering nice guys like myself,

00:03:06.440 it's difficult to think about the way people will treat you, the way you expect people to treat you,

00:03:14.380 but more importantly, the way that you communicate it. And when they overstep those boundaries,

00:03:19.180 how to actually tell them that's a boundary that I have. I get that it's difficult, but I will say

00:03:25.620 that the first time you do it is the most difficult. And every time you uphold a boundary from there,

00:03:31.060 it's much easier. So if you and your wife are having a disagreement and she starts to raise her 0.85

00:03:40.160 voice or starts to belittle you or berate you, that's not acceptable. And you don't need to

00:03:47.220 bad mouth her. You don't need to get super defensive. You don't need to go on the offensive, 1.00

00:03:52.100 which is what a lot of guys will do because they feel threatened. Very simply it's, Hey,

00:03:56.320 we're not going to talk to each other like that. Now that's hard again for a recovering nice guy.

00:04:01.940 Who's never said anything like that. He's worried about the risk of alienating the relationship,

00:04:06.920 making it more strained than it needs to be. But I'll tell you what, every time I've done that,

00:04:11.540 it makes the discussion better and it improves the level of respect that I have from other people.

00:04:18.280 The way you do it is important. If I get defensive and I yell back and say, don't talk to me like that.

00:04:23.440 That's not what I'm suggesting. But if you very clearly and calmly suggest, Hey, I won't be talked

00:04:28.540 to you like that. Let's bring the temperature down. I've done this personally. I've done this

00:04:32.440 professionally. It works every time. Hey, we're going to bring the temperature down. You're not

00:04:36.880 going to yell at me. I'm not going to yell at you. You're not going to berate me or belittle me or make

00:04:41.640 me feel foolish. I'm willing to have this discussion with you, but here's the guidelines. Here are the

00:04:47.040 parameters in which we can have this discussion. If you can do that, great. We'll have the discussion.

00:04:51.940 If you can't, not interested. Another way to establish boundaries is with your time.

00:04:59.420 I think about this quite often. People will message me in the evening or ask for things

00:05:04.480 outside of my work hours. I don't do that within reason. Of course, I make exceptions. I want to be

00:05:10.960 clear on that. But for the most part, everybody knows my hours. If somebody messaged me outside of

00:05:17.880 hours for something professionally, I'm very simply going to say, hey, I acknowledge your request and

00:05:25.780 I'll get back with you tomorrow midday. And then I do it. But I don't make other people's problems

00:05:31.860 my priority because they're not. Now, there are, again, exceptions. If one of my children, for example,

00:05:40.760 I get a message or a call from my ex-wife and she says, hey, uh, your son broke his leg today

00:05:48.100 at school. Of course, I'm going to put everything down, run over to the hospital, make sure he's

00:05:53.500 good. There's exceptions to that. But for the most part, yeah, if people make requests of me and I've

00:05:59.420 got a to-do list with my battle planner right here, a mile long, if it doesn't fit into this plan,

00:06:06.320 I'm not doing it. That's not to say I won't serve and help where I can and where appropriate,

00:06:11.220 but this is the priority. When I get this battle plan done and I do my task list,

00:06:16.700 I'm much more productive for everybody else. But I don't let people dictate what my schedule is.

00:06:22.720 I dictate what my schedule is. And if people start to cross that boundary, very simply, hey,

00:06:29.320 I'm not going to do that right now. I don't ever lie, by the way, too. A lot of guys will lie.

00:06:34.040 They'll say, I can't do that. That's a lie. You can do it. You're choosing not to.

00:06:40.520 I won't be able to do that. That's also a lie. You are able to do it, but you're choosing not to.

00:06:46.120 So the honest answer is, no, I'm not going to do that right now. I have other things that need

00:06:51.640 to get accomplished, but I can do that tomorrow at noon. How does that sound? Because if you want

00:06:57.420 to develop and build an additional level of respect than the baseline, you have to be honest. You can't

00:07:02.000 lie to people. It actually sounds weak. When I say to somebody, hey, you know, this weekend,

00:07:08.920 can you bring your truck over and help me move some things around? And they say, I'm sorry, I can't.

00:07:13.220 I know you can. I absolutely know that you can, but you're choosing not to. And that doesn't make

00:07:18.900 you a bad person. It means that you maybe had date night planned with your wife or a vacation you're

00:07:23.900 going on, or you were planning on watching the football game that's important to you.

00:07:27.500 But just be honest about it. If it's the football game, say, hey, you know what? The football game

00:07:32.580 is on from two to five. And so I can either do it before or after, but that's an important game for

00:07:38.640 me. And I want to watch that game. I can either live with that or not, but I know that my level

00:07:45.080 of respect for you will go up when you're honest about what your priorities are. And you clearly

00:07:50.560 communicate those things with me, which leads me into point number two, which is effective

00:07:54.920 communication. We are horrible, horrible communicators. And anytime that I get frustrated

00:08:02.800 with somebody, interpersonal communication, or even if it's on social media, I try as best I can

00:08:10.520 to give them the benefit of the doubt and just assume that they're not probably a horrible person.

00:08:15.600 They're just not good at communication, just like me. I was talking with a good friend of mine.

00:08:21.520 And he's in the iron council and we were talking about communication and he was, I'm trying to be

00:08:32.040 a little bit discreet about this because it is his personal situation. So I'm not going to disclose

00:08:36.540 all the details, but, uh, he is trying to improve the way that he shows up for his family and the way

00:08:43.580 he presents and communicates and shows up for, for the people he loves. And because he's trying to be

00:08:50.240 more mature and not get into emotional outbursts, not getting into a shouting or a rage match, his wife

00:08:57.000 has begun to interpret it as apathy because he's not getting fired up and worked up. And this is new

00:09:03.200 for her. She almost assumes that it's a lack of interest or care. And so she might say something

00:09:09.800 like, well, what's wrong with you? You don't seem like you care. And, and he might say, well, I'm fine.

00:09:16.400 That's, that's not great communication. The best, even though you might actually be fine. I think

00:09:23.380 that if you want to build connections and relationships with other people, you do owe them

00:09:28.160 a little bit of an explanation, especially if it's changed behavior. So in this case, we were talking

00:09:34.660 about it and I said, Hey, you know, instead of saying you're fine, why don't you say the truth?

00:09:40.120 And the truth is I'm trying to respond more positively. I'm trying to be more mature. I'm

00:09:45.240 trying to be more level-headed. I don't want you to think I'm uninterested, but I'm trying to stay above

00:09:50.400 the yelling and the shouting and the hostility towards each other in some ways that is completely

00:09:57.760 acceptable. And I think that actually gives the other party something to go on. Don't you guys hate

00:10:04.000 it when your wife says I'm fine? You say, Hey babe, what's wrong? You seem like agitated or short.

00:10:09.000 I'm fine. Number one, you know, she's not fine universally. And number two, that gives you no

00:10:18.440 feedback to even improve the relationship. Now, if she said, Hey, you know what? I'm a little upset.

00:10:26.120 I need 10 minutes. Just leave me the hell alone. I can do that. I can leave you alone for 10 minutes.

00:10:32.340 I can leave you alone for an hour. I can let you have your space and your time, but like, help me.

00:10:37.500 Give me some feedback. Give me something to go on. If I had a really bad day, the kids were jerks and

00:10:43.400 smeared poop on the walls and crayons everywhere. And, you know, painted the dog with a can of spray 0.99

00:10:49.920 paint. They found out in the garage. I just need a minute. Like, just please leave me alone. I can do

00:10:55.640 that. We, we can all do that, but you have to communicate it. And the same goes for you. When you get

00:11:00.440 home and you're agitated and frustrated about work, instead of just saying, I'm fine, just leave me

00:11:04.500 alone. I'm fine. Maybe communicate. Hey babe, look, rough day at the office. Boss yelled at me,

00:11:12.840 lost a big client, didn't get that bid, et cetera, et cetera. I need 30 minutes. I'm going to run

00:11:19.520 outside. I'm going to just do lap around the property, or I'm going to like think, or I'm just

00:11:24.220 going to tinker in the garage for about 30 minutes. It's not that I don't want to be here. It's not that

00:11:28.260 I don't love you. It's not that I'm not excited to be home. I just need 30 minutes. That's honesty.

00:11:34.920 And that's the truth. And somebody who loves you, like your wife or your kids will understand that

00:11:40.100 if you get done within 30 minutes and you come back and you're in a much better place.

00:11:44.520 But don't cut people short, especially the people that you care about. If you're frustrated with your

00:11:50.360 wife, tell her in a respectful way. If you're frustrated with your kids, tell them in a respectful

00:11:54.160 way. If you're frustrated with life and you're taking it out on your clients or your boss or your

00:11:59.020 colleagues or your coworkers or your friends, tell them what is going on. So they have something to

00:12:04.360 operate on. And I think most people are more than willing to acquiesce to your standards, to your

00:12:12.480 requests, if you communicate them effectively. Let's get into point number three, following through

00:12:19.140 on your commitments. And what I would say here is that when you make a commitment, you don't need

00:12:26.000 to proclaim that to anybody. A lot of guys do this. I've done this. Babe, you know, it's the end of the

00:12:32.300 year. I'm going to lose a bunch of weight. I'm going to lose 15, 20, 30 pounds, and it's going to be

00:12:36.200 awesome. And I'm, I'm amazing and everything else. You don't, don't, don't proclaim that.

00:12:42.260 Now you might share your goals with her and how you're going to do it in your plans, but you're not

00:12:46.220 doing it to get acknowledgement, notoriety, recognition, et cetera, from her. You just

00:12:53.160 have to do it. And then you let the actions speak for themselves. So if you said to yourself,

00:13:01.500 I'm going to lose 20 pounds in the next three months. And then you actively get at doing it

00:13:08.220 instead of just telling her like, Oh, I couldn't today because I'm tired or the gym was closed or I

00:13:14.620 forgot my key to the gym. That's not going to garner you any respect. In fact, it's going to

00:13:19.620 do the exact opposite. Keep your mouth shut and do the work. And guess what? The next time you hop out

00:13:28.680 of the shower and you're down 15 pounds, you don't need to say a thing. She's going to look at it and 0.98

00:13:32.780 say, it looks pretty good. When your clothes don't fit anymore, you need to punch a new hole in your belt

00:13:41.040 because it's starting to tighten it up a little bit. That's, that's the thing that's going to

00:13:45.080 speak louder than you saying, I'm doing a good job, right? That's not how you garner respect from

00:13:49.940 people. The way that you garner respect is by doing the work that you committed to doing and then letting

00:13:56.400 the results speak for themselves. So you don't need to go to your boss and say, Hey boss, didn't I do,

00:14:00.760 didn't I do such a good job? That's desperate. That's needy. That actually, in a lot of ways,

00:14:08.320 can undermine respect. But if you just put your head down, nose to the grindstone, get to work,

00:14:15.480 follow through on what you say you're going to do, and then achieve the results, people will see that.

00:14:20.420 I promise you, you don't need to be flapping your gums at them. People will see that and they will

00:14:26.580 treat you accordingly. They might not blatantly come out and say, Hey, you've done a really good job,

00:14:32.920 but I'll guarantee if you lose 15 or 20 pounds, your wife is going to be more inclined to be intimate 1.00

00:14:37.940 with you. She might not say you look so good. She might, but she might not say it, but I guarantee

00:14:42.420 she's going to initiate a little bit more. Your boss might not say, Hey, you know, you've done such

00:14:48.560 a great job over the past quarter and just really appreciate your hard work and your efforts, but

00:14:53.440 you know what? He might offer you a raise or he might give you another task or a project or an

00:14:58.060 assignment to test. If you're ready, our actions speak louder than our words. So don't worry so much

00:15:05.180 about telling people all the good and wonderful things you're going to do or did do or everything

00:15:10.220 else. Let your results speak for themselves. Number four, a lot of guys miss this one because

00:15:16.300 we think it's gay. We do. And that is to present well. There's a couple of different categories I 0.87

00:15:23.180 wrote down here. Number one, it's your dress and your appearance. Number two, it's your manners.

00:15:27.940 Well, I said number, excuse me, let me back up. Number one is your dress. Number two are your manners 0.64

00:15:32.740 or mannerisms. Number three is your appearance. And then number four is your vocabulary. So let's

00:15:38.780 break this down briefly into each one of these. Your dress. Are you dressed appropriately? Now,

00:15:44.680 every time I bring up attire and dress, people say, Oh, real men don't care about. That's not true at

00:15:50.220 all. If you really didn't care about what you look like, you'd go out buck naked to your client 0.85

00:15:58.060 appointments to, to the, to work, to interactions with your family, because that's obviously the most

00:16:04.000 comfortable, but you do care. And you did pick out a pair of pants today and you did put on the shoes

00:16:12.960 that you bought and you did put that shirt over your head and through your arms. Why did you pick

00:16:21.140 that color? Why did you pick that fit? Why did you pick that style? Because you believed whether

00:16:30.540 accurate or inaccurate that that effectively communicated what you wanted it to communicate.

00:16:36.560 Now, some guys will say, well, I don't care. I just put on a pair of ratty jeans and dirty jeans and I

00:16:39.980 don't care. That actually means you care because you put on a ratty pair of jeans because you want it

00:16:46.320 to say something about yourself. What do you want it to say that I don't care? Everything that you put

00:16:53.460 on is an indicator of what and who you are and what you believe. Now I'm not telling you, you need to

00:17:00.680 dress like James Bond and have a three piece suit on and every interaction. I don't look, I'm wearing an

00:17:05.400 order of man windbreaker. I've got our new order of man hat on. I've got an order of man logo over this

00:17:10.400 shoulder right here. Clearly I'm not in a three piece suit, but this is very appropriate for the

00:17:15.180 conversation that I'm having with you guys. I wouldn't wear the snowboarding or skiing because

00:17:19.800 I'll freeze my balls off. I wouldn't wear this. If I'm going on a very romantic date with my

00:17:26.840 girlfriend, I'm probably going to dress hopefully a little nicer and maybe do my hair. But if I'm

00:17:32.140 going over there to lounge and to hang out and enjoy each other's company, I actually might put

00:17:36.160 on a nice pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt because that's what the situation calls for.

00:17:39.680 But you need to be very aware of what you're wearing and what it says about you. Number two,

00:17:45.760 your mannerisms. Are you rude? Are you brash? Are you arrogant? Are you braggadocious? Are you obnoxious

00:17:53.820 because you think that's what people want to hear? Or are you polite and respectful and gracious and

00:17:59.640 caring and empathetic towards other people? Now we can, we can adapt depending on the circumstance.

00:18:07.520 If I'm up doing a sales presentation or standing in front of 500 people or a thousand people or

00:18:12.120 5,000 people and doing a keynote speech, it's going to be different than the way that I might

00:18:17.460 communicate one-to-one with one of my children. I can adapt. I'm a grown man. I can adjust. I can

00:18:23.420 read the room, so to speak, and decide how I'm going to respond based on what the environment and the

00:18:30.540 situation calls for. But your mannerisms are crucial. Are you crude? Are you gross? Are you obnoxious?

00:18:36.600 When you shouldn't be? If you are, consider that. What's your language look like? I've got really

00:18:43.900 good friends in the realm of self-development that they swear all the time. Like, why are you swearing?

00:18:50.860 I do too, by the way. And I try to catch myself and that's actually something I'm working on.

00:18:54.860 But when I hear guys just dropping the F-bomb, like it's every part of speech and it's every other word,

00:19:00.440 I can't help but think, does this guy not have anything better to do or say other than drop

00:19:06.000 fillers like the F-bomb or swear words, ums, ahs? Swear words are in the same category.

00:19:13.680 You hear their podcasts. And some of you have even called me out on. I try to be aware of when I'm

00:19:20.120 swearing. And I'm not saying don't swear, but maybe use it intelligently to get your message across or

00:19:27.280 to get a point across. That's more powerful than just saying the F-bomb every third word.

00:19:33.420 What are your mannerisms saying about who you are and how you show up? Appearance.

00:19:37.340 It's not just your dress, but it's your physical appearance. Are you fat and bloated and tired 0.99

00:19:43.460 and out of shape and lazy? Like, does it look like you're a chipmunk with a bunch of acorns in your 1.00

00:19:50.040 cheeks and you're trying to walk around telling people why they should be disciplined or why they

00:19:53.720 should trust you to handle their personal needs as, as a client? Like if I go into, for example,

00:20:01.740 a financial advisor and he's fat and he's gross and he's out of shape and he hasn't shaved for a few 0.99

00:20:06.760 days and he looks like a fricking train wreck. And he's telling me about being disciplined with my 0.99

00:20:12.480 money. Pardon me if I don't really quite believe him. But if I go in there and he's got, you know,

00:20:20.220 a beard and his manicure and it's groomed and he's got a good pairing, a good fitting pair of

00:20:26.540 pants on and a jacket on and he's respectful and his office space is clean and not just a bunch of

00:20:35.180 clutter and bullcrap everywhere. Yeah. I'm going to be more prone to have some respect for that

00:20:41.080 individual. One, one place that shows up really well is if I randomly happen to get into a friend

00:20:50.920 or acquaintance's car, maybe I want to ride with that person or whatever. And they have to clear off

00:20:56.580 their seat and get all the bullshit out of there. There I go swearing again, but get all the bullcrap 1.00

00:21:01.840 out of there. That doesn't garner respect. If on the other hand, I see that I open the door, 0.98

00:21:10.280 the seat's clear. There's no Big Mac or sausage McMuffin wrappers sitting on the floorboards as I

00:21:19.260 try to step into this person's car who I want to build a relationship with. I'm more likely to

00:21:23.440 respect that person. I can hear it a little bit now. People are like, oh, you shouldn't judge.

00:21:28.520 I don't, you say that all you want. Every single one of us judge.

00:21:34.180 If I see a guy who's overweight, I'm going to judge. 0.63

00:21:39.060 If I get into a person's car and it's gross and it smells bad and there's wrappers everywhere,

00:21:43.860 I'm going to judge. If I go into somebody's office and it looks like a train wreck and they've got

00:21:50.160 paperwork and clutter everywhere, I'm going to judge that that person is probably not real organized.

00:21:54.860 You are too. I know the Christian thing is to say, I don't judge. You do. All of us do. So use it to

00:22:02.640 your advantage. And then the fourth component of this is your vocabulary. And part of that is

00:22:07.160 swearing. We talked about that a little earlier. And I'm not saying that swearing is bad, by the way,

00:22:11.300 but again, read the room. If I'm with a bunch of military members, LEOs, swearing is par for the

00:22:19.020 course and it's probably going to be okay. But if I'm in a room full of ladies or I'm with my girlfriend 1.00

00:22:23.400 and her daughter or my children, I'm going to try to refrain from swearing. Not that I don't,

00:22:30.380 I certainly do, but I'm going to try to refrain or at least limit the swearing because I care about

00:22:35.660 what those people think of me. And that is the ultimate root of this. Do you care about that

00:22:40.200 person? Modern cultural says, don't care about anybody. Zero Fs. I don't care what anybody thinks

00:22:46.780 of me. That's stupid. That is so arrogant and ridiculous. And it's not doing you any service. 1.00

00:22:54.040 I do care about what people think of me. The right people. I don't care about what the wrong people

00:23:00.080 think about me, but the right people, my girlfriend, her daughter, my kids, you guys listening. I care

00:23:06.800 about what you think, which helps me to be more presentable in a way that resonates with you.

00:23:11.560 All right, let's move on to number five. Consistency guys. It's very easy to listen to

00:23:16.960 this podcast or, you know, we're on the eve of, of a new year to say my new year's resolution is I'm

00:23:23.820 going to lose 20 pounds. I'm going to make a hundred thousand more than this year than I did last year.

00:23:29.140 I'm going to go run that marathon. I'm going to find a new woman. I'm going to whatever, fill in the 1.00

00:23:33.560 blank. That's easy. That is so easy to do. In fact, you can post that all, all over social media.

00:23:42.200 I'm going to run a marathon this year and everybody will congratulate you as if you've actually done

00:23:47.420 something. What did you do? Use your fat thumbs to type in some update on Facebook that you have

00:23:55.120 no intention of following through on. And everybody's going to give you the praise and accolades and the 0.73

00:23:59.360 notoriety that comes with actually running the marathon. You have to be consistent.

00:24:07.540 It's not enough to be good for a week. Anybody can do that. Sometimes when I'm working out,

00:24:13.120 you know, I might have 30 seconds of a plank that I need to hold. I need to hold for an additional 30

00:24:20.600 seconds. And in my mind, I'm shaking and trembling and I've already done it for a minute and a half.

00:24:25.740 And I'm like, I don't know if I can make two minutes. And I'm just trembling as I'm doing this

00:24:29.160 plank. And I see that little clock and it says 30 seconds. I can do anything for 30 seconds.

00:24:36.440 You can do anything for a day longer. If you're trying to diet and lock in that weight and you're

00:24:42.160 tempted at the end of the night, after a long, hard day to just gorge yourself on Oreo cookies and

00:24:49.940 goldfish, goldfish are my go-to, not Cheez-Its. Cheez-Its are my go-to. Triscuits too. Cheez-Its

00:24:55.920 and Triscuits. If you're tempted to gorge yourself on that, just tell yourself, hey, anybody can go

00:25:01.480 for another 12 hours. I'm not going to eat that now. I'm going to go for 12 more out. Anybody can

00:25:06.380 do that. You can do that, but you have to be consistent. A lot of the times I hear from guys

00:25:13.620 who are like, hey, you know, Ryan, I'm really trying to rekindle the relationship I have with

00:25:16.960 my wife. We've been on the rocks for three years and it's been a struggle and she's feeling it and I'm

00:25:21.300 feeling it and it's heavy and I've been doing all these things for the last 30 days and she

00:25:25.200 doesn't even acknowledge or appreciate what I'm doing. Bro, you spent a decade treating her like

00:25:31.700 garbage. You spent a decade not following through on your commitments. Forgive me if I don't believe 1.00

00:25:43.000 that you just won't revert right back to the way you were after 30 days. Do that for a year.

00:25:50.940 Do that for two years. Hell, do it for a quarter. Do it for 90 days and then maybe I'll start taking

00:25:57.220 you more seriously. But nobody owes you their blind allegiance because you're changing this week

00:26:03.960 or because you were really good the last 24 hours. I don't care. You spent the last 24 years

00:26:12.260 proving to me otherwise. I'm sorry, 24 hours. I'm going to cut it for me and believing that you've

00:26:17.660 actually changed. Be consistent, show up day in and day out, regardless of the results, regardless

00:26:25.620 of how you feel, regardless of whether or not people acknowledge it, just show up and be consistent.

00:26:31.200 Number six, character. When I was younger, I remember a very specific example. My stepfather

00:26:38.500 asked me to, I think one of the dogs had dug a hole in the grass.

00:26:44.100 And as I was mowing the lawn, that was part of my job, mow the lawn every Saturday morning.

00:26:48.440 He said, Hey, Ryan, I'd like you to fill that hole that the dog dug, go out to the back and just cut

00:26:55.040 a little piece of sod out there, fill the hole, put that sod in, make it look nice, cut it right.

00:27:00.300 And he gave me the proper instruction. I got done with mowing the lawn and I was like,

00:27:04.600 I'm so tired. It's hot. This is miserable. And so I grabbed a piece of sod. It wasn't cut to the

00:27:10.160 right size. And I just kind of like threw it on top of the hole. No dirt, nothing else. Just threw

00:27:15.240 it on top of the hole. And I go inside and I'm like, Hey, I just got that lawn mowed. He's like,

00:27:19.580 Oh cool. Good job. Did you get that hole filled? I'm like, yeah, I got the hole filled. He's like,

00:27:24.540 good. Let's take a look. And immediately my heart sunk because I didn't do it right. I knew I didn't do

00:27:31.760 it right. And we go out there and he's like, he sees the hole with a piece of grass on the top.

00:27:38.280 And he's like, you know, Ryan, he said, character is what you do when no one's looking.

00:27:47.240 And he walked back inside and my heart sunk even lower than it already was. And he was right

00:27:55.600 because had he not checked, I would have been okay with the work that I did. And so I went out

00:28:03.780 to the back of the property, I shoveled two or three scoops of dirt. I put it in there. I packed

00:28:08.900 it down. I did it right. I cut the piece of grass the right way. And I put it in there

00:28:12.580 and did it the right way, which is what I should have done the first time.

00:28:16.120 But that's what character is. I wrote a couple of things down here. Character is putting your shopping

00:28:21.480 cart away. I get it. You ran into Walmart. You got a bunch of stuff. The kids are screaming.

00:28:27.920 Your baby's crying. You need to get home. You've got things to do. And it's like, okay,

00:28:31.520 load the shit up. And then just like put the pot, the shopping cart, wherever. No. It's character. 0.99

00:28:40.160 Now it's easy to say when it comes to getting more respect that people won't see that, but I promise

00:28:45.160 you they are. Your kids are watching you. The things that you don't think they're observing,

00:28:50.240 they are. Your clients are watching you. Your boss is watching you. The people at work are

00:28:58.940 watching you. There are eyes on you all the time. And even if there weren't doing the right

00:29:04.760 thing is the right thing. The other day I was, where was I? Oh, I was at the gym. So the gym

00:29:12.720 working out and pretty typically, you know, that most gyms will ask you to wipe down your equipment

00:29:17.940 when you're done. And the gym that I go into has little stations with wet wipes scattered

00:29:24.420 throughout the gym to make it convenient and easy. And so I got done on a machine. I can't

00:29:30.520 remember which one it was. And I walked over to a little wet wipe station and I grabbed a

00:29:33.680 wet wipe out of there and I started to wipe down my machine. And I looked over and there

00:29:36.720 was a wet wipe, a dried wet wipe sitting under the machine. Is that my responsibility? No,

00:29:42.220 I didn't put it there. I didn't leave it there. They have employees that will clean

00:29:48.700 up. So it's easy to say, that's not my job. I don't ask. I'm not. That's, it's not my

00:29:55.120 responsibility. You're right. You're not wrong. That isn't your responsibility. But what if

00:30:00.400 you just bent, bent over and just picked up that piece of trash? I mean, you're going to

00:30:06.740 walk by a trash can anyways. As my friend, Andy Frisilla would say, if you go into the

00:30:13.140 toilet and you pee all over the toilet seat, just wipe the toilet seat up. Why wouldn't

00:30:20.140 you do that? It's picking up the trash. It's wiping down the toilet seat. It's making the

00:30:25.500 environment better than it was when you got there. And if I leave from my gym session and

00:30:30.500 I know that that is a better place when I leave than when I got there, I feel pretty good

00:30:35.540 about myself and that's how you develop respect. All right, let's move to number seven. Motive.

00:30:42.020 I talked a little bit about this. Your motive should always be, I do the right thing. My

00:30:51.340 friend and co-host with the Ask Me Anything on this podcast often talks about doing the right

00:30:59.140 thing regardless of the outcome. But most people, myself included, and I would say him too, in

00:31:05.040 some instances, will filter the right decisions through whether or not it's going to produce

00:31:10.600 a favorable outcome. And I would suggest, and I think he would too, Kip, would say that that's

00:31:15.700 not the right way to look at it. If it's the right thing to do, the outcome really doesn't

00:31:23.320 matter. If, for example, I see a friend of mine who happens to be struggling with addiction

00:31:30.540 or depression or infidelity. I mean, just having a hard time in life. And I see it and I see

00:31:40.800 him struggling. I have a couple of different choices. One is I don't say anything. I let

00:31:51.140 it ride. I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to make it weird. I don't want to

00:31:55.700 alienate our relationship. I don't want him to think less of me. I don't want to get into

00:31:59.440 a fight. That's one option. It's valid because those are real concerns. Option two is you actually

00:32:08.440 address it. Hey, man, I see you struggling with addiction or temptation. I see the way that

00:32:17.440 you're flirting with our coworker and you're married. And I would just advise you to be careful

00:32:23.940 because I care about you and I care about your marriage. That's risky because you could

00:32:29.140 potentially alienate the relationship. In fact, you likely will. If you call another man out and

00:32:35.600 say that, like, let's say you've got a coworker and you know, he's married, you know him, you know,

00:32:40.740 his wife, you know, his kids, and he's flirting with the secretary a little too much. And you say

00:32:45.060 something, the likelihood is him getting defensive. That is more likely than him being receptive to what

00:32:50.860 you're about to share. But if it's the right thing to do, it really doesn't matter if you put

00:32:56.720 the relationship at risk. Now you're not going to go call his wife and rat him out, but you're going

00:33:02.400 to address him like a man and say, Hey man, you've been married for 15 years. You've got a beautiful

00:33:07.020 wife. You've got an incredible family. You've got two kids at home. You've got one on the way. What 0.92

00:33:12.920 the hell are you doing? I love you. I care about you. So you can't be doing this and you need to

00:33:21.560 rein it in. That's what a respectable man would do. And he may not appreciate it initially,

00:33:30.260 but it's the right thing to do. So let's stop filtering our decisions through what might or

00:33:41.100 might not happen. And as I say this, I know a lot of guys are going to think to themselves,

00:33:46.900 well, you know, what about this? And what? No, you're filtering. What you're doing is you're

00:33:51.420 rationalizing and you're justifying things that you know you should do or should not do.

00:34:00.200 Don't do that. You know, right from wrong. You know, when you need to speak up, you know,

00:34:07.040 when you need to uphold boundaries, you know, when you need to communicate to other people,

00:34:11.900 things that are going to be confrontational, do it. Sure. Learn the skill of doing it effectively,

00:34:18.240 but do it. It's going to hurt in the short term and you're going to risk relationships and people

00:34:27.580 are probably going to be mad at you and frustrated with you. You might alienate even relationships or

00:34:33.360 situations, but you know what? It's the right thing to do. And I believe with every fiber of my being

00:34:38.820 that doing the right thing, and I'm not saying I always do the right thing, but I will tell you

00:34:43.280 that every time I've done the right thing, even though there's a short-term pain associated with

00:34:47.820 it, there's a long-term gain. Even if it means that I can just look myself in the mirror, that's

00:34:54.920 enough for me. All right, let's go to number eight. And we've got two more. So we got eight and nine.

00:34:59.740 Number eight is the confidence-competence continuum. I've been doing this for over 10,

00:35:05.280 almost 10 years now. And one of the reoccurring themes that I hear from a lot of guys is how do

00:35:12.020 I build confidence? And they think that it's just some miraculous decision that they need to make.

00:35:16.660 Like I just need to be confident. I don't think that's how it works. The way confidence works is

00:35:22.560 that it's a by-product of competence, which is a by-product of courage.

00:35:29.740 So if you can be courageous in your actions, whether it's confronting somebody that needs

00:35:34.020 to be confronted in a tactful way, in an appropriate way, or whether it's taking on that

00:35:38.660 new business venture, or asking for a promotion, or asking that beautiful woman out on a date,

00:35:43.220 or asking for her hand in marriage, that requires courage. And when you have courage and you start

00:35:49.120 to do those things, like asking clients for their business, or asking clients for a referral,

00:35:54.200 what ends up happening because you're exhibiting courage is you develop some competency.

00:36:00.020 A lot of guys, for example, are not great with women. They don't know how to talk to attractive

00:36:04.520 women. They see an attractive woman, their heart beats, and it's beating out of their chest,

00:36:09.040 and they get weird and awkward and say dumb things. That happens a lot. But the more women you talk with, 1.00

00:36:15.320 the less likely it is that you're going to be scared or nervous or awkward in front of an attractive

00:36:20.020 woman. It's the competence cycle. And then what happens, because you exhibited courage,

00:36:25.900 and because of that courage, you develop some level of competency, the byproduct, courage plus

00:36:33.960 confidence, excuse me, competence equals confidence. You don't get to manufacture it.

00:36:41.740 You can manufacture ego, arrogance, pride, all of that can be manufactured, but you cannot

00:36:49.920 manufacture confidence. It has to be earned. And it's an equation, courage, competence.

00:36:57.300 So if you do something long enough and you do it well, and you're humble about the way that you

00:37:01.620 learn and you get better and you develop, the confidence will come, but that's not easy.

00:37:07.780 Like how, how does a grown man look himself in the mirror and he's 50 pounds overweight and say,

00:37:12.420 I'm good with where I am. He's lying to himself. He's not good with that. He doesn't want to take

00:37:17.240 his clothes off in front of his wife. He doesn't want to walk by the mirror in the public restroom

00:37:23.140 while he's at work. He doesn't want to sit down because he knows his gut is going to hang over

00:37:28.300 his, his, uh, waistline. And he knows that you don't think that's impacting you. Of course it's

00:37:34.840 impacting you. But if you go to the gym every day and you bust your tail and you're conscious about what

00:37:40.640 you eat, as I get older, 43 years old, I got to be more conscious than I ever have. Um, I've been on

00:37:46.440 a, uh, a fitness journey. I would say over the past, I've been going hard now for the past, I would say

00:37:52.060 60 days and I'm, and I'm losing weight and I'm getting stronger and guess what comes with it?

00:37:58.740 Confidence. But I could not have manufactured that. I could have manufactured ego, arrogance, pride, all

00:38:04.020 those other things, but not confidence. All right. And the last one here guys is in order to develop

00:38:09.240 and get more respect from other people is you have to make decisions.

00:38:15.320 We don't like to make decisions because it's scary. Because when you make a decision,

00:38:23.060 it's either right or wrong. It will either work or it won't work. And if it works, all praise to you.

00:38:33.140 If it doesn't work, you're going to be thrown under that bus. And that's the risk. And you have

00:38:43.400 to ask yourself, if I want to gain more respect from other people, am I willing to risk making

00:38:48.980 the wrong decision? Now, here's the beautiful part. Most of the decisions that we make in life

00:38:53.060 are not life and death. If your wife says to you, Hey hon, like let's go out on a date. Where do you

00:38:59.500 think we should go? And you suggest a place it's not life or death? Cause she's a big girl too. And 0.97

00:39:04.940 she could say, yeah, that sounds good. Or she could say, I don't really like that place. Do you have

00:39:08.200 any other thoughts? Don't ever defer to anybody else. Don't get that out of your system. If somebody

00:39:18.240 asks you something, Hey, where would you like to eat? Never, never say, I don't know what sounds good

00:39:25.680 to you. That person asked you. They didn't ask you to determine what they think they should eat.

00:39:32.580 They asked you for a reason. So be a man and say, you know, I'd really like to go to In-N-Out tonight.

00:39:40.020 Or I'd really like to take you to that steakhouse. Or, you know, sushi sounds pretty good today.

00:39:46.740 Trusting that they're a big person. They're an adult, a grown woman or a grown man. And they can say,

00:39:51.580 you know what? Sushi doesn't sound good. Do you have any other thoughts? As a matter of fact, I do.

00:39:56.900 I'd like to go to

00:39:58.280 the Hawaiian grill place that we like. And then you can allow people to say yes or no.

00:40:07.660 But make decisions. If your wife says to you, Hey, what do you think about how we're raising the

00:40:14.240 kids? Like our son seems to be struggling. Give her an answer. Like stop beating

00:40:21.560 around the bush. If she says, what should we do? What should we get the kids for Christmas?

00:40:24.780 Give her an answer. I'm not suggesting it's the right one all the time, but give her an answer. Damn.

00:40:33.440 If she says, how do you feel about, be honest. We talked about honesty earlier. 0.99

00:40:39.380 Hey, how do you feel about me taking this new job? If you're not excited about it, tell her that.

00:40:45.800 Hey, I'm not really excited about it. I think that there's some concerns I have about the stability

00:40:51.820 of the job or whether or not you'll, you'll like doing it. I'm open to being wrong on it, but that's

00:40:57.520 how I feel. The people who communicate effectively and assert themselves, not in a power trip,

00:41:07.080 egotistical, arrogant kind of way, but just very assertive, bold, authentic kind of way are the

00:41:14.280 people who gain respect and the people in my life can tell me no. And if they say no, I accept it.

00:41:21.220 You know, my girlfriend says to me, Hey, what would you like for dinner? And I say, I really want to go

00:41:25.360 to Benja's. I love their sushi. And she's like, I'm not feeling sushi. I'm like, Oh, that's cool.

00:41:29.260 You know, how about we go up to the first place that we ever went on a date and we go up to a

00:41:32.900 cliffside. And she's like, yeah, that sounds better. That's way better than her saying, Hey,

00:41:39.440 where'd you like to eat? You're like, I don't really know what you want to eat. That's weak.

00:41:46.000 That is not leadership. If your boss comes to you and says, Hey, you know what, man,

00:41:52.300 this project didn't go as well as I could have gone. Do you have any insight? Instead of saying,

00:41:58.960 I don't know, I don't know, man, I really haven't thought of it. I don't know what we should do.

00:42:02.180 You said, you know what, here's what I think we messed up on. We didn't have enough capital

00:42:07.080 invested in the project. We didn't have enough time to get it done. We didn't have the right

00:42:10.780 suppliers. And so that's what I think. And if we want to do this again, here's what I suggest

00:42:14.860 who gets more respect. The guy that asserts himself always. So start making decisions.

00:42:24.920 One of the things I get quite often is people reach out and they're like, Hey, I'd love to have

00:42:28.600 you in the podcast. We'd like to join me. I'm like, sure. I'd love to join you. And then they'll say,

00:42:32.700 well, cool. Like, when would you like to record? I don't know.

00:42:37.080 Now I tell them because I make decisions. So I say, I can record Tuesday at three or

00:42:41.480 Thursday at 10, what works best for you. But what would it be like if I said, yes,

00:42:46.880 I'd love to come on your podcast. And they messaged me back and said, great.

00:42:49.720 I have Tuesday from noon to five open or Thursday from eight to 12 open. Do you think I respect that

00:42:57.220 guy more or less than the guy that says, I don't know. What do you think? Like one would be good for

00:43:01.460 you. Position yourself as an authority, as somebody who's sure of themselves, as somebody who has

00:43:10.180 control over their calendar. Cause that's what people read into when you're like, I don't know.

00:43:15.920 What do you think? I can do it whenever. What I think is this guy doesn't have anything going on.

00:43:21.220 He can just meet me whenever. Doesn't he have other things to do? That's what I think.

00:43:25.840 And then I, I'm the one who has to make the decision when you're the one who reached out to

00:43:31.640 me, make decisions, guys, be bold. It's okay. Some of you, I was going to say, we're not talking

00:43:39.520 about brain surgery for some of you, maybe for some of you, life and death situations. If you're in the

00:43:44.360 military or police or LEO of some sort, yeah, some of that is life and death situation. And you'll gain

00:43:49.560 that through the confidence, competence continuum we talked about, but we have to make better

00:43:54.660 decisions. So those are my nine things. I feel like I maybe rambled a little bit on those things,

00:44:00.180 but this is crucial. I think if we get this right, we improve so much more about our lives. We make more

00:44:07.520 money. We have deeper, more, more connection, more intimacy, more wealth, more prosperity, more

00:44:15.840 fulfillment, more enjoyment, more of whatever it is you're after. Let's recap. Number one, boundaries.

00:44:22.420 Number two, effective communication. Number three, following through on commitments. Number four,

00:44:28.460 presenting yourself well. Number five, consistency. Number six, character, doing the right thing when

00:44:35.480 nobody's looking. Number seven, your motives for what you're doing. It's always, the motive is always,

00:44:40.280 this is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome. Number eight, the confidence, competence

00:44:44.420 continuum. And number nine, we just talked about it, making decisions, being decisive. All right,

00:44:51.460 guys. I hope that helps. If you want to do more of these things and you want to connect with other

00:44:56.520 men who are respectable and respectful, and they're implementing these nine things in their lives,

00:45:01.740 then I would encourage you to join the Iron Council. Guys, we open up December 15th, and I'm

00:45:05.900 going to be bold because I told you to assert yourself and make decisions. Join us on December 15th.

00:45:14.040 There's hundreds, if not thousands of you who have heard me talk about the Iron Council,

00:45:18.500 and you're like, I don't know, sounds good, but maybe it's expensive. Like, no, make a decision.

00:45:26.860 Shit or get out the pot, in other words. If you've ever thought, hey, I'm going to give this a try, 0.99

00:45:31.380 come give it a try, an honest try for 30 days.

00:45:36.200 And tell me if it doesn't improve your life.

00:45:37.920 Or if you're like, I don't want to do that, then just make the decision that's a no. And that's okay

00:45:44.060 too. But I don't want people sitting on the fence. Yes or no. If it's yes, join us. If it's no,

00:45:54.620 maybe the timing's off. Maybe it's not right. Maybe there's something I can help you with or

00:45:58.100 answer a question. I'm happy to do, but we'd love to see more of you in there. This is the last

00:46:02.300 enrollment for 2024. If you go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil, you're going to talk about

00:46:08.040 these things with me and other people. You're going to be on a team that holds you accountable.

00:46:11.960 You're going to be holding other people accountable. This is not a one-way street.

00:46:15.780 You're going to be working with other people to hold them accountable and giving back.

00:46:19.840 Go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. All right, gents. We'll be back next week on Tuesday. 0.99

00:46:24.620 Until then, go out there, take action, build more respect for yourself, and become the man you

00:46:29.980 are meant to be.

00:46:32.300 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life

00:46:40.520 and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:46:46.060 You're welcome.

Order of Man - December 06, 2024

How to Get More Respect ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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