How to Reclaim Masculinity in a Feminized Culture ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
Men and Women are not the enemies towards each other, we are complementary, and it ought to be that way. We live in an overly feminized culture, and we have lost the thread of masculinity. We have abandoned our responsibility as men, and given it over to the women in our lives.
Transcript
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men and women are not the enemies towards each other, we're complementary, and it ought to be
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that way. We're different. The American Psychological Association, and they said that
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the characteristics that we generally consider to be manly or masculine are inherently toxic,
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such as dominance, competitiveness, stoicism, aggression, etc. It's not the characteristic
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that makes it inherently toxic, it's the way that you use it.
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Men, it's no secret that we live in an overly feminized culture. Somewhere along the way,
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we lost the thread. We decided that we weren't worthy. We decided that we as men and our inherent
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traits and characteristics and abilities were somehow inherently toxic, and that we were the
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problem collectively. I don't think any man listening to this believes it, but I think collectively it's
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safe to assume that we have abdicated our responsibility as men, and we have given it over
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to the women in our lives. Now, one thing I will be certain about saying is I do not believe that
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women are incapable of all things. I don't believe that they are inferior. I don't believe that they
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are incapable of helping us lead in their own ways. But when we transfer our responsibility to women
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exclusively, we create all sorts of problems. We're running that in society today. We're dealing with
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all sorts of issues with violence, with suicide, with criminality, with depression, anxiety, and
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isolation. We see crime rates on the rise. We see drug use on the rise. Women are beating us at every
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metric that you could possibly imagine. And I'm not here to say that we are or should be adversarial
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towards women. I think there's obviously, I hope it's obvious that there's a point in women and men
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bonding together, pairing together, working together, because we as men inherently possess some
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characteristics that women. That's the reality. I know that isn't a safe thing to say in today's
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environment, but it's the reality. We are better at some things than women. And conversely, women are
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better at some things than us. But we've been conditioned to believe that we, in order to be
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better, need to act more like women. I would say the opposite is actually true, that you need to act
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more like a man in order to fulfill your duties, your responsibilities, your obligations in what it
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means to lead, to protect, to provide, and preside. So today I'm going to break down five things that we
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need to embrace. Five rules, five mantras, five ideas, ideologies, whatever you want to call them,
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that we as men probably have forgotten over the past 30 to 40 years and things that we could embrace,
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not only to help ourselves be more fulfilled, to lead better lives, but to ultimately help not only
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the people that we care about, but also the women that we love and that we're here to serve, help them
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make a better life for themselves. So how do you reclaim your masculinity and the masculinity of our
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posterity in a feminized culture? Number one is that we just need to flat out reject and be repulsed by
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the idea that men and women are the same. Now, I don't think we're as different drastically as people
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would make us believe, but I do believe that there are nuanced differences between the way that men and
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women show up. Now, obviously, physically, I don't even need to address the issue. It's sad I would
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even need to say that in the year that we're in, but obviously, men physically are bigger, stronger,
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we're faster. We possess different biological differences that I'm not really going to get
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into here, but we know there's a physical difference between men and women. Women are smaller.
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um, they're generally weaker. Uh, they, their bone density is different. Their propensity for violence
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and aggression and dominance and competitiveness is not nearly to the degree that it is for men.
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Why do I need to explain this? I don't know, but I feel compelled to because there's so many people
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who are confused or at least they're probably not confused. They're probably just playing stupid.
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That is a, uh, a modern day tactic. Just play stupid, play dumb, play ignorant. These people
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aren't as dumb as they make themselves sound, but there is biological differences between men and
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women. I'm not talking about that because that goes without saying, but I'm talking about the way
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that we show up, our propensity for violence, um, our propensity for protectiveness, our propensity
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for dominance and territorialism, um, our propensity to compete and dominate and win. Those aren't
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inherently wrong. You know, there was a study that was done years ago by the American, I say study,
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it's, it's loose. I'm using that term very liberally by the American psychological association.
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And they said that the characteristics that we generally consider to be manly or masculine are
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inherently toxic, such as dominance, competitiveness, stoicism, aggression, et cetera.
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To tell a person that it's inherently toxic to be competitive, more men and women in this country
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have been saved from a medical perspective. People are living longer. People are making more money.
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People are living a better quality of life. People are able to pursue their dreams and their interests
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and desires precisely because of those things, not antithetical to them. Our desire to compete
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on a level playing field. I will say that, but our desire to compete is what's created these
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technological advancements that you who are complaining about the quote unquote patriarchy,
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uh, that the reason you have the luxury of doing that is because men have gone out and they've
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competed and they've been territorial and they've been dominant and they've been aggressive for
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productive outcomes. It's not the characteristic that makes it inherently toxic. It's the way that
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you use it. So if I were to take my propensity for violence, let's say relative to a woman, and I saw
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an attractive woman walking down the road and I decided to use my propensity for violence to assault
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her sexually. I think all of us, I hope all of us would agree that that would be an improper use of
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my propensity for violence. Now let's say that I saw this same relatively attractive woman in a
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compromising situation. Maybe she was in physical danger. Uh, maybe she was being assaulted or attacked
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by somebody else. And I used my propensity for violence to save her. I think all of us would attest to
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the idea and the fact that that would be a righteous use of my propensity for violence. See, it isn't the
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violence in and of itself. It's the application of it. And we need to realize that men and women aren't
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the same. Women have some amazing characteristics. They're lovely. They're beautiful. They're nurturing.
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They're kind. They're empathetic. Um, I, the, the woman in my life, she is, she's an amazing, she's an
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amazing woman and she's got an amazing heart. And I don't always understand her when she has this level
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of empathy for other people that I don't get. I don't, I don't resonate with that. I don't feel the same
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way, but it's not wrong. And I think if she were on this podcast, she would say, you know, even though
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I might have a little bit more, what society would say, coldness, um, and, and indifference to what
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people are dealing with. I don't have that, but that's what people would probably say. And she would
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say, well, it's not that it's, it's the masculine virtues that we, we possess as men, men and women are
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not the enemies towards each other. We're complimentary and it ought to be that way. We're
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different, no different in worth, but we're different in application. Number two, guys, do not
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take advice from women about masculinity or manliness. Now I will give this caveat. A woman can explain
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biological phenomenon. So a woman can explain to me that the reason that I might be experiencing
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this heightened degree of aggression or dominance or propensity for violence or competitiveness is
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because of the hormones, specifically testosterone to the degrees that I are, are coursing through my
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veins. Now a woman can explain that to me. She could say, Hey, your testosterone rates are elevated
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relative to the average woman. And that could be true. And I could take that to heart. But when she
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begins to say, well, you know, you feel this way or you are this way, uh, or, you know, the reason why
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you're experiencing this and here's what you ought to do, or here's what I think you should do.
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That's where it gets cut off because there's no woman who can explain to me the feelings that I'm
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experiencing as a man, the same way that I cannot experience or tell a woman what she's feeling.
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You know, there's this concept of quote unquote mansplaining, you know, a mansplaining is a man
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telling a woman things that she ought to know or should know. Well, what about woman splaining?
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You, you can't tell me as a man, what it's like to face our frustrations. You cannot tell me as a
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woman what it's like to deal with my propensity for violence or my aggression or my frustration or my
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anger, or even at some points, my rage. How are you going to tell me how to deal with that? You're not
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a man the same way with all due respect that I'm not a woman. How could I ever tell a woman, you know,
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here's the one that you hear all the time. Calm down. Now that's a swear word, right? From men to
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women. That's a swear word. Calm down. Oh, you're being so dramatic. You're being so emotional.
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These are things that men will say and women get rightly upset when you say that because we don't
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know what it's like to be as emotional as women. We don't know what it's like to what we interpret.
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And I'm not saying this is the case, but we don't know what it's like to be as erratic as a woman might
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be. How could I know that? I don't understand that. I don't think it's wrong. It's right. It just
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comes down to the application of it. So why would I accept that a woman can tell me just don't be so
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angry. Oh, don't be so cold. Don't be so heartless. You don't know.
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What you see, you might interpret as heartlessness. You might interpret as coldness,
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but it's not. I sent a text to my son. My phone's over there. I sent a text to my son,
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my oldest son. And it was a meme. And it was a meme. And on the top, it said, hey, dad, am I
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adopted? And on the bottom, it said, of course, you're not adopted. Why would I ever choose you?
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And it's a joke. All right. It's a joke. And I sent it to my oldest son. And I said, hey, bud,
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love you. And I sent him this meme. And he sent a little crying, then a little laughing emoji. And he
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said, I love you too, dad. A woman won't understand that. She'll say, oh, that was rude. That was mean.
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Like, how could you ever even imply that your son was adopted? Because my son knows that he's not
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adopted. And he knows that I'm not giving him a hard time. He knows that through that poking and
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that prodding, and a little bit of dark humor, that I actually love him. That's how men communicate.
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You know, when I tell a friend, like, stop being gay. I don't actually think he's a homosexual.
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I'm just, I'm using that as a term. When I'm, when I tell him to stop being weak, or stop being a
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loser, or stop being so emotional, women will say, oh, have some more empathy. You don't know what
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it's like to be a man. Don't tell me what it's like to be a man. Man, guys, surround yourself with
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other men who can poke and prod and, and mock and belittle and tease and joke with other men,
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because this is how we test our resolve in minor ways. If somebody, if, if a man in my
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orbit can't deal with a little ridicule, a little mocking, I don't want that guy in my life because
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I know when shit hits the fan, he's not going to be somebody that I can, that I can rely on.
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And yet a woman will say, oh, I would never do that. You shouldn't when you're talking with other
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women, but the men be men, let the women be women. Number three, I have a lot of single mothers who
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listen to this podcast and God bless you. My mom was a single mother for most of my life as I was
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growing up and God bless her truly. She did the best that she could, could do as a single mother,
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as a woman trying to raise a young man to be a man. And she always had enough insight where she thought
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to herself, I can't do this on my own. There's no permanent father figure in this boy's life.
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And so I need to get him involved in sports and other programs that he could be around other good
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and righteous men. And ladies, I'm telling you right now, if you're raising boys and you're on your own,
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you need, please hear me. We love you. We care about you. We want you to win. You're,
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you're important to us as, as, as women, but you cannot turn a boy into a man. You can't,
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you're, you're incapable of it. The same way I cannot help a young woman, my daughter in particular,
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become a, a woman, a lady. I can't do it. I can teach her elements of what it means to be a human,
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but I don't know what it's like to go, to have your period. I don't know what's, what it's like
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to go through menopause on the later ends of, of, of your years. Like, I don't know what those
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things are like. And you as women don't understand what it's like for an 11, 12, 13 year old boy to
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go through puberty as a young man. You don't, you don't know what it's like to have the testosterone
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pumping through your veins. You don't know what it's like to feel the rage that we do as boys.
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You don't know what it's like to feel the lust and the sexual desire that it, that we have as,
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as young boys. How, how could you know? But you know who does another man.
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And we need to make sure that our young men are involved with other men, righteous men in sports,
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in church, in community activities, in the walls of our home. And if those boys aren't getting
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the masculine influence, then they're not going to be able to live up to their
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inferior women. The same way as if I tried to raise my daughter without female presence in her life,
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she would just be an inferior man. I don't want her to be an inferior man. I want her to be
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the best woman she can possibly be. And I have a limit on what I can teach her. And you as a single
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mother, I hope want your boys to be the best men they can possibly be. And there's a limit to what
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you can teach them. Get them around other people. And by the way, guys also get involved, get involved
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in your communities, coach, lead, guide, instruct other men, teach them how to harness what is going
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on because they're confused. And if they're confused and they're turning to women, they're not getting
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the entire story. Number four, read the room. All right, guys, read the room. Being a hard A
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exclusively all the time is not the way. It's really not. Now, there may be some reasons why you would
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think that. Maybe you're compensating for their lack of resolve and resilience and toughness. But
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being a dick all the time, that does not equate to manliness. I believe that a man can harness his
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natural propensity for violence and aggression and dominance and stoicism for productive outcomes.
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And when I hear people say, well, I have the zero F mentality, you know, if they don't like it,
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then that's on them. I'm trying to lead. I'm trying to lead people. And if I can't read the room and
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decide that maybe this guy needs a kick in the pants, but maybe he actually just needs me to put
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my arm around him. And as I get older, 44 years old now, I realized that I don't have to be a hard A
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all the time that sometimes it's appropriate for me to put my arm around one of my boys and say,
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hey, I love you, son. It's going to be okay. Sorry, you're dealing with what you're dealing with.
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Or if one of my boys comes to me and is upset about love lost or fights lost or
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sacrifices made and they're emotional and they're teary eyed and they're frustrated that I can just
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give one of my sons a hug and say, Hey, I understand, man. I get what it's like to be down.
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I get what it's like to be frustrated. And you know what? You can, you can be this way and also
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get back on the bike and also get back in the fight and also get back in the arena and also make
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better decisions moving forward. You know, where women rally behind each other, around each other,
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and they talk and they commune and they relate. Men are directional.
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When your young child who is learning to ride his bike or her bike without their training wheels
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and you push them off for the first time and they go about 10 yards, 20 yards, and then they fall.
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Mom rushes over and she says, Oh my gosh, like, are you okay? And she wipes the little gravel out of
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your daughter's knee and, and she, you know, kisses her boo-boo and she blows on it literally. And then
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she brings her inside and she washes her knee off under cold water and she puts an ice pack on it. And then
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she finds a bluey bandaid to put on it. That's not wrong. As men, it seems silly, but it's not wrong.
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She should be doing that. And then when we go in and we say, all right, that's enough. And you grab
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your daughter from out of the sink because that's where her boo-boo was being washed out. And you grab
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her and you put her in your arms or you put it on your shoulders and you say, all right, bud,
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time to get back on the bike. That's not wrong either. And your wife will say, just let her be.
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Nope. You had your time. Now it's my time and neither are wrong. Both are beautiful. Both serve a
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purpose. Read the room. Your job is to yes, be supportive and encouraging and challenging and even
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push, but let women do what they need to do and then be the man and be capable of knowing the
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difference between what your children need at any given point. Does your, does your boy need his mom?
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Sometimes. Yeah, actually. Yeah. Does your son need to cuddle with your wife? Yeah. Sometimes he does.
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And sometimes he needs to get his ass off the couch and get back to work. And you're man enough
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that you can acknowledge the difference and acknowledge the power in both. All right. Last
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one here, guys. In order to reclaim our masculinity in a feminized culture, we need to get ourselves
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into positions of power. We need to embrace the meritocracy. I'm done with DEI, diversity, equity,
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inclusion. Now, when I say that most people think of race, but it also relates to gender. Well,
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we're going to have this many women in the workforce just because why, well, just because, but give me a
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good reason. Well, I can't, we just need to have that many. Okay. That's the problem. I'm going on a
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flight here tomorrow and I'm going to be traveling for the next four or five days. I'm not interested in
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having a female pilot if she's not the right person for the job. I don't care if it's a woman or man.
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I really don't. What I care about is that person landing me from point A to point B. If it's a woman
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who can do it, great. If it's a man who can do it, great. But we need to embrace the meritocracy.
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We need to embrace the idea that there are some people and even some genders who are better at certain
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things than others. Military is a great example. Law enforcement is a great example. I'm not
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interested in having women out in the field in the military and law enforcement, not because I don't
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love them, not because I don't care about them, not because I don't believe they have any worth,
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but because they are in violent situations with hardened individuals who want to hurt other people.
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And I don't want a woman in that circumstance. I don't. I don't want a man, conversely, to babysit
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my children. I've never had a male babysitter for my kids. I always have female babysitters for my
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kids. Why? Because they are more nurturing. They are more kind. They are more empathetic. They are more
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patient. Of course, when I have young children, that's what I would, what I, what I would want women
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to do. Of course, I want my children to be in nursery or kindergarten or even elementary school
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with, with women. Of course I do. And of course I want men to be in law enforcement. Of course I want
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men to be in the military. Why is this confusing? I don't know. But guys, we need to put ourselves in
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positions of authority, positions of power. We need to embrace the meritocracy. Meritocracy is blind,
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by the way, to gender, to age, to race. Meritocracy says, may the best man win. May the one who's most
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qualified do it. And that's what I want. I'm not going to stay silent anymore in bringing women into
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men's work. I'm not going to stay silent in bringing men into women's work. Now, I know you're going to say,
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well, you know, I know some women who are way stronger than some men. You're talking about
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extremes. You're taking, you're cherry picking. You're taking the strongest woman, you know, and
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you're pairing him against the weakest man, you know. And I would agree that there are some women
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who are physically stronger than some men. But generally speaking, that isn't how it works.
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I would agree that there are some men who are more nurturing and kind and empathetic than some
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women. If I cherry pick the data, of course, I can find those outliers. I'm talking about
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generalities. And the best way that we can combat any of that is just may the best man win or woman.
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If that woman is uniquely qualified and better in that situation than all the other candidates,
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all the power to her. If that man is better in that situation than all the female candidates,
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then all the power to him. Embrace the meritocracy. Get yourselves into positions of power and realize
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that masculinity is not inherently toxic as the AMA would say, but that I would even argue that it's
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not inherently positive. It's just how we use it. It's how we embrace our skillset as men.
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And you're not wrong and you're not bad. You're not evil and you're not immoral for being a man.
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It's just a matter of how you use the God-given tools, gifts, abilities, talents that we generally
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possess as men. This is how we reclaim our masculinity in a feminized culture. Number one,
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we reject the idea that men and women are the same. Number two, we don't take advice from women about
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masculinity and manliness. Number three, we get young men around other men. Number four is we learn how to
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read the room and do what's appropriate. Number five is we elevate ourselves to positions of power.
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We embrace the meritocracy and we look for the best person to fill the job based on what that job requires.
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I hope that gives you some insight. I know this one's not going to be popular,
00:26:38.420
but I'm willing to risk it. I'm willing to put myself out there and say, hey, this is what we need
00:26:44.140
to do because this is what the world needs of us. So I hope that helps. I hope that offers you some
00:26:49.340
insight. If you have other ideas on how we can reclaim masculinity in a feminized culture, please let
00:26:55.060
me know. But those are my steps for you. Guys, we'll be back next week for a really, really good
00:27:00.520
conversation with Dr. Steven Pinker next week. Make sure you subscribe, leave a review, and also
00:27:07.220
please go in and leave a comment and subscribe and like on YouTube. We are growing right now. We're
00:27:15.260
going to be at half a million subscribers on YouTube before too long. My goal is to get that there by the
00:27:22.700
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00:27:28.340
YouTube channel, then do that. We're at 350,000 people over on YouTube. I think we can get 150 if we push
00:27:35.980
hard. So please like, please share, and please subscribe on YouTube. YouTube.com slash Order of
00:27:43.180
Man. All right, guys, you've got your marching orders. Until then, go out there, take action,
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reclaim masculinity in a feminized world, and become a man you are meant to be.
00:27:53.140
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:27:57.760
and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.