Order of Man - How to Turn Your Wife On, Why Your Wife is Your Sparring Partner, and How to Help Her in Her Feminine Role

00:00:00.000 a woman is like water she flows and she goes and she moves and it's very feminine energy and the

00:00:06.560 man is the bowl he's the container that holds the water that provides structure where the water can

00:00:11.360 flow freely without ruining the things around it or getting out of control or being chaotic

00:00:17.360 and our job as men is to be to be that structure is to provide discipline to provide direction

00:00:24.160 to provide clarity and i try to do this in my relationship

00:00:30.000 kip what's up man great to see you it seems like it's been weeks since we had a conversation like

00:00:34.560 this i think it has been uh we had sean on last week uh jay uh the week before and so yeah we're

00:00:42.400 we're going on two three weeks ago that we last met i'm just uh i'm just bored of talking to you

00:00:47.520 so i'm trying to figure out every way i can to get out of having to talk with you every week about it

00:00:51.600 yeah the the low self-esteem of me is like oh ryan's trying to avoid avoid me but you're just a busy guy

00:00:57.680 you got lots going on i love it man everybody's busy everybody's busy but i've been doing good

00:01:02.560 stuff i went on a hunt with speaking of jay jay was out there sean's hunted with me you've hunted with me

00:01:07.600 my oldest son was out there in minnesota with me we had some success so all in all it's been a good

00:01:13.200 couple of weeks yeah i saw that box of of on social media i had saw that box of meat that you got to

00:01:20.000 to bring home with you i was a little jealous yeah it was nice and that was a big deer we did some

00:01:26.880 that doe i shot was the biggest deer the biggest doe i've ever shot like she was yeah i was i

00:01:32.640 wondered if she was like part horse or part elk or something because she was just massive but uh yeah

00:01:38.960 put a good shot on her i actually thought i thought i made a bad shot on her because when i hit her i just

00:01:44.960 kind of saw brown stuff go out of her i know it's a little graphic but um i was like oh no and i

00:01:51.520 thought i hit her in the guts and obviously as a hunter i hope it's obvious you know we want to make

00:01:56.400 good clean ethical shots so they die quickly and so i'm sitting in my tree stand just waiting for her

00:02:02.880 and and i waited about an hour just ruminating on this bad shot that i made and uh the guys came to

00:02:10.080 to grab me and give me a lift to see if we could find the deer and i got down and my arrow was pegged

00:02:14.880 into the ground so it passed through her and i looked at it and it was salt solid red all the way

00:02:20.320 through just good red blood and i'm like oh maybe i didn't make a bad shot and we picked up the blood

00:02:25.520 trail pretty quickly she probably went 100 yards or so and just laying right there in the in the reeds and

00:02:34.160 dragged her out and got her all broken down and yeah it was good and then brecon my oldest son he had

00:02:38.800 his first bow kill he's killed other animals before deer included but uh yeah he had his first

00:02:44.720 bow kill um he shot other deer but we haven't been able to find him but this one he made a perfect

00:02:49.840 heart shot she died within 30 or 40 yards so he did really well too how how long were those shots

00:02:56.960 from what distance uh let's see his i want to say his was about 20 yards or so very close and yeah mine

00:03:03.840 was about the same 20 25 yards somewhere in there very close yeah very close dude yeah love it man

00:03:10.960 well should we get into some questions from the iron council let's do it i think we're talking about

00:03:15.760 relationships today so let's see what we can do and how we can help these guys yeah absolutely our

00:03:21.280 first question is from travis perez he's currently reading no more mr nice guy and was wondering is there

00:03:27.840 a litmus test to understand whether you are operating out of the nice guy mentality or if

00:03:34.000 you're just being a good husband when being accommodating to your wife or significant other

00:03:41.600 yeah those are two different things right being a good husband doesn't mean that you're being a nice

00:03:46.160 guy and the way i would the litmus test i would run nice guy through is are you changing your behaviors

00:03:54.080 thoughts actions or patterns in order to achieve an a desired result so if you're talking with your

00:04:04.560 wife and maybe you disagree on whatever you guys are addressing and instead of telling her you disagree

00:04:11.920 with her because you don't want to get in a fight or get into it or make her feel bad or any of these

00:04:17.200 types of things or even make yourself feel bad you don't share the truth you don't share your

00:04:23.040 actual opinion maybe you whitewash it maybe you refrain from sharing anything at all maybe you

00:04:29.120 just don't disagree and you just agree with her just because then that would be a symptom of being

00:04:34.000 a nice guy because you can still be kind to your wife and still have a good relationship with her and

00:04:41.760 also disagree with her in a very tactful respectful way and i believe that women want a man who can

00:04:50.400 stand on his own two feet if you disagree you should say you disagree and you should have a

00:04:54.400 valid point in case as to why that is and you should be able to articulate and explain it now

00:04:59.920 that doesn't mean that just because you disagree or see it differently that she's required to agree

00:05:03.600 with you but i don't think it's a problem to have disagreements in relationships as long as

00:05:08.720 you're respectful about it and at the end of the day come to some sort of mutual understanding or at

00:05:14.560 least live and let live and drive on with the way you want to raise your kids or live your life but

00:05:20.320 that's the litmus test anytime you are changing your behaviors thoughts actions or patterns

00:05:26.800 in order to get people to do something that makes you feel more comfortable you're probably

00:05:31.760 being a nice guy yeah let me try this on ryan let me know what you think about this

00:05:37.040 i think it's the difference of being compliant or passive or committed to the decision so i think

00:05:47.440 the the classical nice guy doesn't may not agree with the pivots and adjustments or he may be holding

00:05:55.120 back information or he's he's passive meaning there's a covert contract happening and he's more likely to

00:06:03.360 lash out or be upset but he's pretending to go along because that's what he decided but in reality he

00:06:09.440 doesn't want to so it's a level of commitment to the action full disclosure can i be committed to

00:06:16.720 being accommodating on an area that i don't want to originally be accommodating in absolutely i can say

00:06:21.840 you know what i've decided right i'm willing to try that right out for you i'm probably not the best

00:06:28.080 idea but you know i'll be committed to giving that a try that's different than me going um yeah

00:06:33.040 okay and then like covertly i'm like yeah i'm all pissed off about it right and i'm going to be

00:06:39.600 passive aggressive around the thing that i'm compliant about so i i kind of see this as compliance

00:06:45.520 versus commitment to one's actions what do you think yeah i i would definitely agree with that you know

00:06:52.080 the the word that comes to mind when you started saying that is whatever that's the word that comes to

00:06:58.480 mind the classic passive aggressive yeah yeah sure whatever whether you're vocalizing it or

00:07:05.280 internalizing it if your thought process is yeah whatever then you're not really committed to

00:07:11.520 whatever is going on and you don't want to rock the boat you don't want to make yourself feel awkward

00:07:16.640 you don't want the fear of putting yourself out there and you're like i don't agree with this but

00:07:20.720 whatever and that's that's a problem so yeah i mean being a good husband yeah sometimes your wife

00:07:28.960 isn't going to agree with you and and you're going to make an executive decision as the leader of the

00:07:34.160 household and by the way there's going to be times where she's like oh no we're going to dinner with

00:07:39.280 our friends tonight and she's going to make an executive decision so it works both ways but that doesn't

00:07:44.560 mean she's being a bad wife or you're being a bad husband so yeah i love it chris henningson a little

00:07:51.280 over a year ago i found the fierce marriage podcast and one of their blog posts is marriage is supposed

00:07:57.200 to be biblical covenant not essentially a business transaction that it becomes i'm curious you and

00:08:04.160 kip's thoughts on this subject i agree with that i i actually don't think so i started talking about

00:08:12.080 this years ago when i believe it was prop 8 in california when they were talking about

00:08:17.760 legalizing same-sex marriage and i actually believe contrary to conservative principles that

00:08:26.960 let me let me think about the way i'm going to say this i i was going to say that marriage between

00:08:30.800 a man and a man or a woman and a woman should be legal that's not actually what i believe what i

00:08:35.840 believe is it should have no bearing whatsoever i don't believe that the government should say

00:08:41.040 should be involved who is married and who isn't it's it's a decision between two people historically

00:08:47.120 it's been a uh religious covenant as as he said and a covenant is a three-way agreement it's an

00:08:55.600 agreement between you and your future bride and god and and you're going to make commitments to her

00:09:01.760 she's going to make commitments to you you're going to make promises to god she's going to make promises

00:09:05.760 to god and then he's going to give you blessings in exchange for those for adhering to those

00:09:10.160 commitments that's that's the covenant and i and i fully agree with that i i don't think marriage

00:09:16.640 is between a man and a man or a woman and a woman if those two people want to live together be

00:09:22.400 together whatever it may be but i don't think marriage ought to be co-opt uh by by homosexuality or

00:09:30.080 by the government so fully in agreement with that it's a covenant between you and god and what other

00:09:37.600 people to decide to do they can do see this is the problem though is so many people just co-opt

00:09:42.480 language they want this is the whole gender conversation as well well i can be a man well

00:09:47.600 man already is well defined it's already well defined has a well-defined meaning it means biological

00:09:53.760 adult biological male woman is an adult biological female if you want to pretend like you're not one of

00:10:01.360 those things then come up with another word but you're not a man and conversely a man wanting to be a

00:10:06.400 woman is not a woman use a different word because that's impossible and that word already is defined

00:10:11.120 marriage is already defined as a covenant between a man and a woman and god so use something else

00:10:18.960 yeah and there's power here what's the power you don't think a marriage is better off if god's

00:10:24.960 included as part of the covenant that is greater than just the two of us that there's a higher purpose of

00:10:31.920 of this unity other than just enjoying one another like it's a very powerful um way of looking at

00:10:38.880 marriage chris my perspective obviously agree i want to riff a little bit though not essentially a

00:10:46.000 business transaction i i do think that sometimes and i'm not saying marriage is business right but

00:10:53.600 because of the mantle of marriage and the importance that we put on it we have a tendency to

00:10:59.040 they're like oh well we'll have a great marriage and then what we don't do is to find the specific

00:11:03.680 roles and responsibilities and the expectations of those roles because then it feels too transactional

00:11:10.000 so so we stay away from it and then we end up not clearly communicating expectations and responsibilities

00:11:16.080 and those other things but everyone has expectations they're just not being spoken and so part of me feels

00:11:22.160 like some of our marriages we need to like add some transactional in there so there's clarity of

00:11:28.720 who's doing what so then that way we can step into the responsive barrel responsibility powerfully a term

00:11:34.720 that was shared with me a couple years ago is group accountability diminishes personal responsibility

00:11:41.520 if we're both accountable then who's doing it but there's power in saying kip as husband

00:11:48.400 you're tackling these things as wife i'm going to tackle these things that helps me step into that

00:11:54.160 position powerfully and it makes it very clear on what winning looks like in my role and what's

00:11:58.880 expected of me for my spouse i mean i think that's well said there's so many covert contracts and

00:12:05.760 unwritten expectations and uncommunicated um desires and wishes and i wish more men and women would just

00:12:14.320 open their mouths and say hey hun i'm gonna take care of the finances you take care of uh you know

00:12:20.080 dinner i whatever like pick whatever works for your dynamic but start talking about it on a regular

00:12:26.320 basis this is also why in addition to what you're saying i think it's so important that people vet their

00:12:32.880 potential lifetime partners i i just don't think enough men and women vet well enough you know it's really

00:12:40.720 easy to find an attractive woman to love 80 to 90 of her to fall in love with her to begin to get

00:12:49.760 physical and then to realize whoa i don't like this i don't like that this is a deal breaker this is a

00:12:57.040 problem this is a challenge this is not good for me but either the sex is so good or you're worried

00:13:02.560 about being alone or you're worried about being rejected or you're worried about how other people

00:13:07.760 might perceive you if you break up with this relationship that most men and women just seem

00:13:12.640 to progress into things that are inevitably going to break down and so you need to consider how does

00:13:19.520 she handle her finances uh how does she handle chaos and challenges that arise um how does she handle

00:13:30.400 or what are her future desires for a family um how does she handle conflict how does she argue that's a big

00:13:36.560 one for me i mean you're going to get into arguments and you're going to get into debates that's fine

00:13:40.880 that's going to happen how does she do that does she hit below the belt does she does she lash out

00:13:48.240 does she is she an avoidant call uh does she punish you does she yell does she throw things i'm not

00:13:54.640 saying all women do this i'm just saying you need to know that you have a good sparring partner

00:13:59.040 you need to know that you have a good sparring partner because in training if i go to train with

00:14:06.240 somebody who's chaotic and erratic i'm going to get hurt and it's not going to be conducive to my

00:14:12.400 growth but if i go and train with you kip you're a good sparring partner you you push you you you play

00:14:20.880 hard right you're you're trying to get better too but you push and you train in the right way without

00:14:25.920 with with the expectation of we're both going to grow from this and you need to find a partner who

00:14:31.200 even in disagreement has the baseline understanding that we're here to grow from each other which

00:14:36.960 means i'm going to be pressured and tested at times um but yeah some a woman who who is not a good

00:14:45.360 good at arguing is not a woman you should be in a relationship with because that's going to be brutal

00:14:51.360 yeah so i love that analogy of sparring partner because it's spot on right like if in if in some

00:14:57.520 relationships they're not there to improve themselves and you and the argument they're

00:15:02.800 there to win that's a horrible sparring partner that person gets you hurt totally right yeah and

00:15:09.040 then you're not coming back to the mats because of them right so i i yeah i really love that that's

00:15:14.320 a really good point and you know the all right the other thing too with a good sparring partner is that

00:15:18.880 sometimes a sparring partner will just back off a little bit based on your skill set right so i i

00:15:26.320 remember when i was training with pete up in maine and um as a white belt him and i were rolling and

00:15:32.880 he's a handful he never let me win like i might have like maybe i don't know like reverse something or

00:15:40.560 slip past his guard that one one toe or something and yeah yeah not even that like like half a limb

00:15:49.040 but not the entire limb but you know every once in a while something like that would happen and then

00:15:54.000 and then i was promoted to blue belt and he got instantly better i was like wait wait wait wait wait

00:16:02.400 wait a second so you were sandbagging this entire time he's like yeah i was just bait i was training

00:16:07.440 based on your skill level that's a good sparring partner and the same is true uh when it comes to

00:16:14.240 conversations with your with your wife you know if if let's say you get heated

00:16:19.040 and or she gets heated maybe she gets emotional maybe she gets teary-eyed or frustrated and you can

00:16:23.520 tell that this is not going anywhere a good sparring partner is going to acknowledge that and then back

00:16:28.720 off like hey hon look i know we're heated things are getting emotionally charged let's let's just back

00:16:34.640 off from it maybe we take a break we can revisit it later tonight or tomorrow morning but why don't

00:16:38.640 we just why don't we ease up let's take a break and then we'll get back into it so i think that analogy

00:16:43.280 works pretty well yeah that's great urdi arslan how should a man handle this quiet invisible

00:16:51.120 sacrifices he makes for his family that go unacknowledged we surely avoid surely should avoid from a

00:16:58.560 sacrificial lamb approach or scorekeeping yet even when you look at the responses to the questions you

00:17:04.400 posted on facebook what's the best compliment a woman can give you we all can do with some more

00:17:10.560 acknowledgement yeah i agree i made that post and um quite a few people are like well i don't need

00:17:17.840 cheap words i need actions yeah i know i know that that i think that goes without saying but in the

00:17:25.360 spirit of the exercise we we like to be complimented and we like it because we don't get compliments so yes of

00:17:31.680 course if if she's only giving you praise and accolades and no action behind it that's going to be

00:17:37.600 empty but i'm saying if she's actually has the the actions to back it up what would you like to hear

00:17:44.320 and what was interesting and it's not a single person said i love you

00:17:47.200 that that was really telling telling to me not a single man said that they all said i respect you thank

00:17:54.080 you for taking care of my family thank you for the sacrifices you make and those are good things to hear

00:17:59.520 now we don't need those things hopefully because if you need them you're going to be sorely disappointed

00:18:06.120 in life let alone in your relationship but it sure is good it's a little bit of fuel it's a bump right

00:18:11.440 yeah and so i i think women could could do a better job at that and i think men can do a better job at

00:18:16.880 complimenting the women in their lives i don't think it costs anything to give an encouraging word

00:18:21.400 it it only makes things better um but as far as the sacrifices that we make what is the reason that

00:18:29.280 you're doing it for me it's taking pride in a job well done i feel good when i show up fully

00:18:35.920 i feel good when i accomplish things i feel good when i make a righteous sacrifice for

00:18:43.820 her or for my children i feel good and that's what i want i want to do the right things because

00:18:52.160 that's what a good man should do and if she acknowledges me no worries if she doesn't no

00:18:59.660 worries because that's not what i'm motivated by i'm not motivated by her pats on the back and

00:19:05.500 attaboys i'm motivated by my own intrinsic desire to be the best man that i can possibly be

00:19:12.340 and so you have to ask yourself would i do this thing if nobody ever saw it and i never got any

00:19:20.860 acknowledgement in fact here's even better would i do this thing if somebody else got credit for it

00:19:27.120 if you would still do that thing then you know your motives are pure and you're doing the thing

00:19:33.320 for the right reason um now that said i don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to tell her

00:19:41.380 hey babe you know i i've done a lot i do a lot um and one thing that just that makes me feel better

00:19:47.980 is if at times you do acknowledge that if you do see the work that i put in and i try to do that for

00:19:54.520 you and i hope i do and do could i do that more for you but man that would be really helpful for me

00:19:59.960 if you give me some feedback on the things that i'm doing well and the things that maybe i'm not doing

00:20:04.380 so well i don't i don't think that's a conversation that you can't have and i have i have a lot of

00:20:11.020 conversations about what she wants and about what i want um and there was there was something just the

00:20:16.580 other day where i said you know i'd like more of this and she's like you know you've said that in

00:20:19.380 the past i can do that we don't get what we don't ask for and it's not like she's trying to withhold

00:20:25.400 anything from you but if you open your mouth and you share what's on your mind in a positive

00:20:31.340 constructive healthy way i think most women are more than happy and eager even to give that to the

00:20:39.080 man that she loves yeah well and i think there's an opportunity here for us to align our sacrifices to

00:20:48.460 what's important for those other people i i think we have a tendency to double down on providing

00:20:54.500 and we can double down on making money and we go oh my family don't they don't acknowledge

00:21:01.600 you know this sacrifice i'm making but do they want all those things or is that you

00:21:08.100 or what's maybe important to them is that you're cheerful that you're fun to be around

00:21:15.140 that they lighten up maybe they actually don't literally care about the sacrifices because the

00:21:22.620 sacrifices you're making you think are important to them and it's really just more important to

00:21:29.840 you i i can't help it and i've shared this story before but you know i can't help but think of this

00:21:34.840 the story a couple years ago probably i probably said that a couple years ago it's probably been like

00:21:39.560 10 years now um goes quick but i get yeah i get i get heads down right i i get things done i i find

00:21:47.500 pride and i feel good about getting things done and i have a tendency to take the joy that i have

00:21:55.300 at getting things done and latch on that i'm doing it for my family and that's not necessarily

00:22:01.200 always true my family may not care about all of those things i'm getting done and how i get them

00:22:08.120 done matters right and so oh kip you're providing awesome but you're providing and you're an asshole

00:22:16.340 awesome thanks for your sacrifice really so how we do it or how we're sacrificing matters

00:22:24.560 right we we talk about this like taking ownership well you can take ownership and and be miserable

00:22:31.020 you know or you can make the sacrifice and punish everybody emotionally for your sacrifice you may

00:22:39.740 never get acknowledged why because it's miserable and so there's an element of this is alignment to

00:22:46.240 what's really important to them and how we do it matters equally of what we're actually doing

00:22:52.880 well so can i give you a real world example of that that i'm facing just in today actually so

00:23:00.740 uh my two oldest boys have their first uh lacrosse club tournament this weekend and their games start

00:23:08.340 this afternoon at two and four and my oldest son said hey dad are you going to be able to make it and

00:23:14.880 initially i said well i can i'll make it to the four o'clock game but i'm not going to be able to make

00:23:18.300 it to the two o'clock game and in my mind i'm like he understands that he gets that i'm working i'm

00:23:23.240 providing for and i know that he's probably he hasn't said anything and he won't say anything

00:23:29.020 but i know that inside he's probably like man i really wish my dad could be there

00:23:33.020 so i'm thinking in my head well i'm sacrificing i have to work and do this and it's the money that

00:23:40.480 i bring in that actually pays for the fees of the lacrosse club so that seems like a righteous

00:23:47.300 sacrifice you know what sacrifice he cares about me not doing the extra work meeting and being at the

00:23:53.480 game that's the sacrifice he wants from me so i finagled my calendar switched it around made a

00:23:59.760 few calls done no problem and i'll be at the two o'clock game so you can't say you're sacrificing

00:24:06.820 if you're not giving up anything that you want that's not a sacrifice say i like to work i like to be here

00:24:15.980 i don't feel like it's a burden so i'm not sacrificing anything the sacrifice is giving up

00:24:22.880 something that's valuable to you something you enjoy and in this case i won't be able to do that

00:24:26.900 extra meeting to be there at his game now i don't hate his games either but you get the point

00:24:32.120 yeah yeah i love it chris gifford as men who are husbands how do we create opportunities for our wives

00:24:40.820 to do what they were created and intended to do what i mean by this is as a man we focus on vision

00:24:47.300 what is ahead and steering our marriage and our families in the direction of the vision

00:24:51.080 our wives are created to be there in front of us looking at what is around our feet thinking of this

00:24:56.860 as the daily interactions my wife told me about the word

00:25:00.820 iser canado translates the phrases to help meet or help her who corresponds to him carries a deeper

00:25:11.980 meaning of an equal or strong or rescuer iser means help or savior while canado means

00:25:21.520 corresponding to him opposite him or as in front implying a powerful equal counterpart rather than

00:25:30.380 the subordinate assistant this hebrew phrase is most famously used in genesis to describe

00:25:36.220 eve's relationship to adam how do we do this in our marriage and i probably slaughtered those words

00:25:45.140 absolutely you did absolutely yeah i don't know what those words are either but you absolutely

00:25:50.140 messed those up um so the the base of the question is how do we create an environment or the

00:25:57.920 opportunities for our our wives to uh do to step into their role as as women is what i'm hearing

00:26:05.300 is that is that fair yeah yeah with the clarity of of not an assistant kind of you know subordinate

00:26:12.000 yeah yeah well sure well i think the first thing is you ask what she wants right now and in the future

00:26:18.400 and i wonder how many men are actually having this conversation about hey hon look here's where we are

00:26:24.120 financially here's the relationship dynamic here's how we are on a spiritual level here's here's

00:26:30.380 everything that we're doing well and here's the things that i feel like we could use some improvement

00:26:34.180 on what do you think and she's going to give you that feedback and then i would project that out in

00:26:39.140 the next two three five ten years hey you know if if you were to feel happy with not only our

00:26:45.260 relationship but our lifestyle what we've created together what would that look like for you

00:26:49.440 and maybe as a young family she's she's um she's working and you're working so it's dual income and

00:26:55.500 maybe you have a kid on the way or a young child and her dream is really to stay at home oh okay good

00:27:01.720 that would be good information to know and you can get on the same page around what she wants

00:27:07.160 she wants to stay at home okay so let's say that's the case she wants to stay at home she wants

00:27:12.280 to raise the kids and now it's on you to provide enough income in order to cover all of the expenses

00:27:17.700 and costs of of raising a family well now what you can do is you can start you can start working

00:27:25.960 towards that now and tell her the sacrifices that would need to be made in order for that to happen

00:27:30.140 you can talk with her about her spending so that at some point you have money set aside and that in

00:27:35.600 the next two to three years she's able to quit and keeping debt low and and you could provide that

00:27:40.800 financial discipline and i think that's what men are really good at there's a great book the

00:27:45.740 masculine in relationship we talked about it on our uh iron council call this morning and i can't

00:27:51.480 remember the three tenants but i remember two of them maybe you remember the third kit but gs young

00:27:55.520 blood says that as men we are to create a safe environment and also to be the providers of structure

00:28:03.600 and discipline um the analogy i once heard and i thought this is so good is that a woman is like

00:28:10.400 water she flows and she goes and she moves and it's very feminine energy and the man is the bowl he's

00:28:17.240 the container that holds the water that provides structure where the water can flow freely without

00:28:22.400 ruining the things around it or getting out of control or being chaotic and our job as men is to be

00:28:28.520 to be that structure is to provide discipline to provide direction to provide clarity and i try to do this

00:28:36.280 in my relationship um and i and i see a lot of guys who don't do this it's it's being decisive

00:28:42.820 it's making decisions it's not putting that stuff on her when you're thinking about date night for

00:28:49.720 example this weekend you don't need to ask her what she wants you don't need to ask her how it's going

00:28:56.800 to go you need to tell her what you have planned and trust that because she's a big girl she can tell

00:29:03.420 you if she has her plans of her own that either align or don't align with you and i think when

00:29:07.880 you start freeing up her energy to be that water and you start making the decisions that allows her

00:29:18.700 to flow freely and for her to step into femininity the problem is is so many men are like i don't know

00:29:24.360 hon what do you want to do this weekend i didn't set up a babysitter i don't know where do you want to

00:29:28.000 go to eat ah man should we do it friday or saturday ah we're busy what do you think she doesn't want

00:29:33.080 to make those decisions you should make those decisions and as a man it feels good to make those

00:29:38.560 decisions it feels good to lead and i've found that women will follow you when you do that and then the

00:29:44.440 other point that i'll say kip is this safe environment concept the the safest thing that i think a man can

00:29:51.960 do and i'm not just talking about physical safety although that's an element but the safest thing i

00:29:56.820 believe a man can do is to be predictable to be predictable to be the rock consistent stable just

00:30:07.220 this beacon of of strength and stability that she knows that when she comes to you with something that

00:30:13.180 she's really excited about you're going to be even keel level-headed um and you're not going to be

00:30:19.340 over the top you're going to be excited for her but you're going to be encouraging positive and

00:30:23.820 supporting and you know what when she comes to you with something that either you don't want to hear

00:30:28.280 or don't like to hear that you'll be the exact same guy in that instance she needs to know that when you

00:30:34.780 say you're going to do something and i'm not talking about making the mortgage payment that's a big thing

00:30:38.680 you should obviously i'm talking about taking out the trash when you said you would if you're running

00:30:43.520 to the store and she says hey will you get milk on the way out and you don't bring the milk back

00:30:47.380 that's a problem that's no longer a safe environment because she can't trust you

00:30:51.880 to be a man of your word and if you can't do little things like pick up the milk on the way home

00:30:56.480 she's not going to trust you to watch the kids as she goes out and spends time with her girlfriends

00:31:01.540 which is something she needs uh so be a man of your word impeccable as it would say in the four

00:31:07.540 agreements impeccable with your word um build that trust and safety and always respond uh rudyard kipling

00:31:17.500 talks about this in his poem if and i i'm paraphrasing but he says that if you can meet

00:31:23.100 both failure and defeat with the same energy you'll be a man my son and i think that's what women are

00:31:28.980 looking for from us yeah so those three tenets uh respond versus react provide structure and create

00:31:37.200 safety yeah yeah the respond versus react is the one that i missed yeah which is kind of a form of

00:31:43.520 safety structure form of safety right like it just reiterates the importance of that yeah um next

00:31:50.080 question i mean the idea of constraints and rules just one other thing the idea of constraints and

00:31:54.520 rules is so powerful it goes back to what aristotle says 2 000 years ago discipline equals freedom he

00:32:00.280 said through discipline comes freedom or something like that then jaco said discipline equals freedom it's

00:32:04.660 the same concept how can that be how can structure and discipline be freeing well if you have the

00:32:10.780 constraints and rules that are healthy then you can operate as as much as you want within those

00:32:16.740 constraints it's when you don't have those constraints that it becomes a problem um my

00:32:23.060 girlfriend has a family over her sister over and her sister has a a little girl and my girlfriend

00:32:31.640 hasn't had a baby in the house for a long time so the house is not baby proofed so she set up gates

00:32:38.080 and you know do i need to take things off of cabinets and do i need to remove things that she

00:32:42.760 could potentially pull down and so she sets up these constraints in the house these rules and

00:32:47.780 constraints in the house and then the little girl can run around and play till her heart's content be

00:32:52.200 free but without that she needs to be monitored she needs to be micromanaged she needs to be pinned

00:32:59.080 into a little corner she needs to be held all the time and there's no freedom for that little girl to

00:33:04.140 explore and to roam around in a safe controlled environment yeah i see that bryce beattie what are

00:33:13.160 some tried and true methods in your experience to make your partner swoon over you

00:33:18.900 well i i think physical labor i i've never met a woman who isn't turned on by a guy who's out

00:33:32.220 you mowing the lawn chopping wood has a chainsaw in his hand building something a little sweaty

00:33:38.040 little dirty maybe dirt all over him wood chips flying up all over his face who isn't excited about

00:33:43.140 that have you kip no it's totally true i mean that's the reality physically and the reality is is that

00:33:51.900 you you don't um you don't do it enough most men don't they just don't do it enough

00:33:59.380 um i also three i'm trying to think of things that aren't so common but i would say physical labor

00:34:06.500 especially as it relates to to improvements around the house she's going to be hugely hugely turned on

00:34:12.080 by that i promise confidence because that's important to her um another one is i know this

00:34:18.740 sounds maybe a little controversial but disagreeableness to an extent um i think women

00:34:24.880 love a man who has his own opinions who is willing to express those opinions and doesn't really care

00:34:32.540 whether or not people are going to be upset by the things that he believes and and even if you can

00:34:38.480 quote unquote put her in her place a little bit i'm saying that loosely but when she does something

00:34:44.800 that isn't okay is for you to have standards and say hey babe look i love you but i won't be talked to

00:34:50.740 that way that's not something i tolerate so if you want to try that again like we can have a really

00:34:55.260 good conversation and i'd love to have this conversation with you but it's going to be this

00:34:58.800 way i think women love that and that comes back to the safety and structures and the constraints that

00:35:03.840 we talked about earlier so those are two that come to mind that might be different than what somebody

00:35:08.880 would would normally think uh the other one is taking charge you know like again date night if i promise

00:35:16.280 you if you did this tonight or this weekend and you said hey babe um i looked at the calendar we don't

00:35:21.980 have anything going on saturday and i want to take you out saturday night does that work for you and

00:35:25.980 she's like yeah that should work and say great uh babysitter will be here at 5 30 um i want you to wear

00:35:33.880 that one dress that i really like this is what i'm going to wear and i'm going to take you to this

00:35:39.540 new restaurant it's um a new japanese cuisine place that opened up and maybe she really likes that so you

00:35:45.320 got reservations and and you said oh and by the way you know the babysitter is going to spend the

00:35:50.820 night you trust her she's done this before so she's going to stay over and i got us a really nice

00:35:55.420 hotel room at that new hotel that just opened up across town

00:35:59.540 like everything's handled everything's taken care of you told her what you wanted her to wear

00:36:07.020 you got the reservations you secured everything and you put together a really fine nice evening for her

00:36:13.100 how is she not going to be excited about that totally i think confidence too right like taking

00:36:21.600 pride in what you do um i think is important you know um and i you know this goes without saying but

00:36:31.260 guys right like attraction matters right and so if you're not taking care of yourself physically and

00:36:37.220 how you look and and you expect your wife to be attracted to you good luck with that yeah so

00:36:45.000 you know we we got to button that up um and have some confidence sticks and pride in how we show up

00:36:50.380 how we look right how we present ourselves i think it's really important yeah another thing is being a

00:36:57.100 man of your word you know having standards like if you say hey um we already talked about this hey i'm

00:37:02.480 gonna do this thing and i'm gonna be done by friday then you better be done by friday yeah and i don't

00:37:07.900 know that that would make her swoon but it'll certainly do the opposite if you don't do it so

00:37:13.700 you're shooting yourself in the foot every time you commit to something and don't follow through

00:37:18.140 but if she knows if she knows that when you say something it will be done man she's gonna be hugely

00:37:27.320 turned on by that especially if it's consistently and and over a long period of time yeah justin

00:37:35.020 duchess what are the conversations that need to be had if one spouse wants more kids but the other

00:37:41.560 is satisfied with the amount of kids man that is really tough i think you need to ask yourself if

00:37:51.200 it's a deal breaker right like not that you're gonna like get a divorce or anything but are you do you

00:37:55.720 have a hard line stance does either partner have a hard line stance on it because a lot of it's like

00:37:59.940 this is how i feel but it's not hardened right yeah sorry and that's what it was for me like when i

00:38:08.060 know you're good when i when we were having kids my ex-wife and i um you know my my youngest is now

00:38:15.320 nine so almost a decade ago it was we were talking about this and she wanted more and and i was neither

00:38:21.280 here nor there i was probably more on the side of no than i was yes but it wasn't something that i had

00:38:27.420 a hard line stance on like no way we're not doing it it was like i leaned a little bit towards no i

00:38:33.960 don't really think that's a good idea but she was more convicted about having kids than i was about not

00:38:39.540 and so that was a pretty easy uh decision for me um i don't know man i don't know how you overcome

00:38:46.320 if you both have such a hard line stance where she wants kids and you don't at all or vice versa

00:38:52.540 um i don't know do you have any thoughts on that kip i don't know where that goes

00:38:57.280 no i think you're i think you're it's had the conversation right like i might be saying like

00:39:03.580 i'm done with kids but i'm but it's like level two but her desire to have another child could be a level

00:39:12.040 10 well that's that's a given we're having another kid then yeah you know what i mean so i i think

00:39:18.600 it's at the at the scale of what's important uh the other part too is like you know justin or if

00:39:25.300 you're religious you know seek counsel and and deep and dive into it why don't you like i here i love

00:39:33.940 this this this was shared with me years and years ago and in fact i was just sharing this with someone

00:39:38.140 the other day and i said you know how you get whatever you want there's a there's a process to

00:39:42.660 this by the way you want whatever you want from your wife you can get it and here's the process

00:39:47.040 honey i really want another kid this is why this is why it's important to me and what would i need to

00:39:54.980 do or what are the conditions that need to exist for you to be on board with that idea

00:39:58.840 so sometimes what is it well i don't want another kid why oh because i want to travel more because

00:40:06.640 it there's a probably a why behind it and you need to get down to that and so then that way you can

00:40:13.220 have a compromise and figure out why you're not on the same page it may not have nothing to do with

00:40:18.120 the kid it may mean last time we had the kid you know we didn't have sex for three years because

00:40:24.000 the baby's freaking sleeping in our bed the whole time okay got it honey i can sacrifice right this

00:40:29.660 time we'll get a crib right and we'll put the baby in the other room all right deal i'm down right like

00:40:34.380 you just need to work it through and figure out what that means for both of you

00:40:38.420 it's i'm glad you said why because i actually wrote that down too right before you started sharing

00:40:43.380 that that's so important um did he say whether he wants kids or she wants kids did he say or he said

00:40:49.740 just yeah he didn't allude to it i think you're exactly right why you know what yeah trigger um

00:40:57.040 don't do that uh but yeah i think i think getting to the root like why do you want more kids well i

00:41:03.640 just feel really valuable when i have a baby like it it just i love it it's like okay well you know

00:41:11.040 like is that is that the reason that we should have another kid maybe you don't want to have a kid

00:41:16.240 right exactly go have some go play with somebody else's kid then um you know or or another thing

00:41:23.020 is uh you know you might not want to the guy might not want to he's like hey hon we don't have the

00:41:28.960 financial means to do this and and you're an overspender like we're struggling as it is we're up to our

00:41:36.500 eyeballs in debt and we got this going on and uh you know like if in order for that to happen i would

00:41:42.220 need to know that we have the financial means to bring another baby into the world the fact of the

00:41:46.420 matter is they're expensive so are you willing to uh use hand-me-downs are you willing to have

00:41:53.980 people in the community give us their old baby clothes are you willing to use the crib for little

00:41:59.600 timmy for our new baby um are you willing to help me pay off debt over the next nine months to 12 months

00:42:06.380 while we do this if we can do those things i personally would feel a lot better about bringing

00:42:12.060 another baby into our family and if it's serious if she's if she's a level 10 about having a baby

00:42:17.440 then she would do that and if she's not willing to do that she's not a level 10 so i think there's a

00:42:23.320 lot of conversations about why which is what you said and then you can get to the how you make that

00:42:27.720 happen from there yeah got it last question here uh roger byers bayers in reality where women desire

00:42:37.300 attention can have it with social media and men desire less and have it with porn whereas both

00:42:44.420 can mutually obtain their wants through casual hookups do either of you foresee a realistic change

00:42:49.840 to traditional relationships based upon commitment i mean i i honestly i only think this is going to

00:42:58.600 get worse with the rise of interactive pornography and sex robots you're right a man can have exactly

00:43:06.500 what he wants uh without all of the the sacrifice that comes with it the what it's easier right like uh

00:43:17.480 you know guys could get some of the benefit without the the struggle of a relationship

00:43:21.780 and getting to know someone yeah yeah and conversely women yeah they'll get attention but i think more

00:43:29.740 than attention if they're looking for a relationship what they're actually looking for is um hypergamy is

00:43:36.060 is the ability to attract a man who can provide safety and security and a standard of living generally i'm

00:43:44.300 not saying that's universally true and i don't even think there's anything wrong with that that's

00:43:47.420 just the roles that we as men and women play but with women entering the workforce with more women

00:43:52.980 graduating high school and college with women's income on the continual rise relative to their

00:43:59.160 male counterparts it's very easy for i shouldn't say very it's easier than it's been in the past for a

00:44:05.440 woman to create her own financial stability and we see that all the time with the i don't need no

00:44:10.700 men type movements and and comments so yeah i think it's going to be harder but that said

00:44:16.580 there are still going to be those individuals women who care about having a long-term partner

00:44:23.580 who care about having a family who care about committing to one man and there's plenty of men

00:44:31.080 out there who care about building a family who want to have physical intimacy beyond

00:44:37.780 beyond his hand or beyond that sex robot that he's got and he wants to be deeply connected with a

00:44:44.240 woman the key is go where those people are go where those people are you're not going to find the

00:44:49.820 women that you're talking about here at the bar you're not going to find them at work conferences

00:44:54.260 and i know people are going to be upset when i say this you know we're going to find a church

00:44:58.580 you're going to find them at church you're going to find them through other women who are already

00:45:02.740 living like this that you have connections with like this is where you're going to find the women that

00:45:07.780 you're interested in um shared interests shared hobbies maybe it's a hiking club maybe it's a

00:45:12.900 photography club like there's that's where you're going to find the type of women that you might be

00:45:19.420 interested in but to answer your question yeah it's going to get a whole lot worse and it's going to be

00:45:24.300 harder and harder to find women who want that and for men who want that for their female counterparts

00:45:29.400 yeah it's sad and i think it's like parents it's like parenting you know you see this a lot or at

00:45:38.280 least i feel like i see this a lot where you'll have a a couple that they don't have kids and they'll

00:45:45.180 operate from the perspective of life is fulfilling for them right and they're like and when they look

00:45:52.060 at it and i don't know if you you know if you agree with this or not ryan but it's like oh okay my

00:45:55.880 perception of what having a child is is based upon what not experience it's based upon other people's

00:46:02.420 experiences or viewing other people's experiences it's not until you have a kid that you go oh damn

00:46:08.900 right like i just got exposed to something freaking amazing and i had no idea like no one could have

00:46:17.900 ever explained this to me i had to experience it and and the way i see this is these individuals

00:46:24.020 seeking these hypothetical relationships right or these fleeting relationships focused on excitement

00:46:30.880 they won't know they know they don't know what they don't know and and that's the tough part about

00:46:37.680 this is because i feel like they'll they'll go through life not realizing what was available to them

00:46:43.780 because it's just not on their radar you know and unless you experience it i don't i don't think you

00:46:49.880 you see what you're missing well this is why i get so frustrated with the the modern day feminist

00:46:58.240 conversation about you don't need no man and also conversely why i get so frustrated with the red

00:47:03.720 cell movement and the andrew tates of the world it's like you know i i understand uh that it it might

00:47:10.960 feel powerful or it might feel manly to be able to have a bunch of sexual partners and have amazing

00:47:17.660 women around you the entire time and probably to some degree that's pretty great and it's empty

00:47:23.940 and it's hollow and it's not a long lasting thing um and and it's going to create a real problem i mean

00:47:31.860 i can't tell you how many women that i've heard from and of who who buy into the narrative that they

00:47:39.480 don't need no man and have you heard of the term the acronym dink d-i-n-k so that stands for dual

00:47:47.920 income no kids so these people are having two two incomes if they're married or together and and not

00:47:53.640 having kids and to your point they think that it's better but the problem is is a woman buys into that

00:48:00.540 and then she she's lied to by the way by other bitter women yep and she buys into the to the notion

00:48:07.240 that she doesn't need to have kids she doesn't need to be at home she needs to be in the workforce

00:48:10.900 she needs to prove how valuable is she is relative to men and and everything is a comparison to men

00:48:16.800 and she buys into it and then she turns 40 years old and she's an attorney uh or she's an executive or

00:48:24.480 she's a bank branch manager or she's you know a ceo or fill in the blank a doctor and she turns 40 and

00:48:32.160 she's like she has this revelation oh no i can't have kids anymore and this job isn't fulfilling to

00:48:42.340 me and i don't have a partner that i can lean on and rely on i don't have that structure and safety

00:48:48.900 and stability in a partner i don't have the ability to have kids anymore and then they're bitter and

00:48:54.200 angry and contentious because they bought into the lie that the other bitter angry contentious old women

00:48:59.380 perpetuated with them so it's it's a vicious cycle um between between men and women that's the that's

00:49:09.160 the problem on women's side and then on the man's side it's like hey you just go be with a bunch of

00:49:14.360 women don't ever get married don't ever commit the the phrase you often hear is she's not she's not

00:49:20.360 yours it was just your turn things like this that and even the way the family court system is and how

00:49:26.960 bitter men get and frustrated with the way it's it's stacked against them in a lot of ways um and

00:49:32.200 i've seen court system go both ways so i'm not saying it's exclusively that way but uh yeah it's it's

00:49:38.600 really hard and and the best thing that you can do as a man is to be the best man that you can be

00:49:45.580 so that you can attract the type of woman who you want to be with

00:49:51.220 and if you're not attracting those type of women i don't think we should put that all on women part

00:49:58.700 of it is because they're they're buying into this narrative but if you're not attracting those kind

00:50:03.100 of women then you need to ask yourself what can i do or what should i do differently in order to

00:50:08.420 be attractive to the kind of woman who i can build a life with and am i in the right places am i doing

00:50:14.220 the right things am i adding the right value do i look the part do i do those things we talked about

00:50:18.980 that make your partner swoon if you're doing those things you're gonna have a much easier time

00:50:22.660 finding the kind of woman you want yeah amen let's go one of the ways to become that man

00:50:29.720 is the iron council go to order of man.com slash iron council to join us uh in our brotherhood

00:50:36.920 um man enrollments open at all times so when you join the ic you get assigned um an onboarding coach

00:50:44.660 you have someone to help you get on boarded um where we kind of rapid fire get you on a team and

00:50:50.600 and start making a difference and and some of you guys as we step into november you're like oh man i

00:50:54.960 need to you know what does next year look like no don't do that act now be that man now tomorrow this

00:51:02.300 very moment not in january um we don't wait right we don't wait and hope and wait for the stars to

00:51:10.360 align to level up in life we we take the bull by the horns and we do it today and so to join us

00:51:15.440 there order of man.com slash iron council and of course follow uh mr mickler on the socials at

00:51:21.500 ryan mickler both x and instagram um any update on divorce not death or do you want to bring that up

00:51:27.740 as well yeah divorce not death is going on right now i know we're talking about relationships today

00:51:32.220 but if you're having this ultimate breakdown in your relationship maybe it's heading that way or

00:51:36.200 maybe even in the process we have a 12-week course that we just made available called divorce not

00:51:41.160 death i actually have a call this afternoon with our guys we do weekly calls a lot of these guys are

00:51:46.480 exchanging phone numbers talking with each other sharing resources sharing tips and tricks and and

00:51:52.320 really just having somebody that you can navigate this most difficult time in your life i was talking

00:51:58.040 with somebody just the other day and they said you know the problem with divorce for a lot of guys is

00:52:01.840 that they isolate they yeah they wallow and they isolate and they put themselves into the corner and

00:52:08.180 they put themselves at their house and then they they just do everything alone you know imagine imagine

00:52:13.320 that imagine you're playing football and instead of having a team around you all with a different

00:52:17.720 role and duty and responsibility it's just you versus the the entire other team who's trained and

00:52:25.820 who's professional and who knows what they're doing and is actively your opponent they're fighting

00:52:30.760 against you and you're trying to take it all on by yourself what a what a horrible way to approach

00:52:37.500 this really difficult time so we've got eight modules the first module we went through last week

00:52:42.740 which is uh the 10 commandments of divorce uh this week we're talking about new roles new rules so

00:52:48.520 what do you need to do as a new father excuse me a new single father what do you need to do as a

00:52:53.880 uh now a co-parent what do you need to do as a single man so it's it's been really really exciting

00:53:01.400 to see these guys navigate really uncharted territory a lot more effectively because they

00:53:06.200 have good men in their corner and systems to be able to back it up yeah love it brother that's

00:53:11.840 divorce not death.com all right guys well great questions um i think we have more for next week

00:53:16.660 kip is that right or did we go through all of them today a couple more yeah we almost there's only

00:53:20.660 two left but yeah okay we'll go through those couple and then we'll give you another subject

00:53:25.040 for next week guys but uh we will be back on friday for our friday field notes until then go out there

00:53:30.300 take action and become a man you are meant to be thank you for listening to the order of man podcast

00:53:36.060 you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be

00:53:40.100 we invite you to join the order at order of man.com

00:53:43.660 you

Order of Man - November 12, 2025

How to Turn Your Wife On, Why Your Wife is Your Sparring Partner, and How to Help Her in Her Feminine Role ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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