Order of Man - February 07, 2025


If Boys Don't Learn, Men Won't Know ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Masculinity in the Arts, the Drift of Life, and Why It's Good to be the Underdog ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING LEE & ANDREW CHILD ｜ The Making of a Masculine Icon

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Harmful content

Misogyny

1

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Toxicity

5

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Hate speech

2

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Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about the importance of being a man of character and how we should all strive to be better role models in our communities and in our families. I share a story from a recent experience that I had with one of my boys and how it changed my perspective on what it means to be a man.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 lead from the front guys we hear it all the time lead from the front lead by example but i want you
00:00:04.760 to stop and actually ponder and consider and contemplate whether or not you truly are leading
00:00:11.200 from the front how can you tell your son to get strong how can you tell your child that it's
00:00:16.360 important that you build wealth so you can serve people if all the things that you're doing in
00:00:20.120 your life are producing poverty how can you tell your children not to slip into temptations
00:00:27.280 if you're slipping in those temptations you're a man of action you live life to the fullest embrace
00:00:34.880 your fears and boldly charge your own path when life knocks you down you get back up one more time
00:00:40.720 every time you are not easily deterred or defeated rugged resilient strong this is your life this is
00:00:48.580 who you are this is who you will become at the end of the day and after all is said and done
00:00:53.880 you can call yourself a man
00:00:56.240 i had a really great opportunity this afternoon before i hit record on this podcast and i wanted
00:01:04.940 to share it with you because it conjured up some thoughts and ideas in my mind about how
00:01:09.200 i have been showing up for my children and how i want to show up and how i think all of us as men
00:01:15.020 ought to contribute in to the lives of our children and the lives of the children in our communities
00:01:21.280 uh there's a great quote it's very short it's by douglas wilson it's one of my favorite quotes he
00:01:26.220 says if boys don't learn men won't know i was having a conversation at the barber shop this morning
00:01:33.940 and uh they were asking me what i do for work and i shared a little bit about what this organization
00:01:40.780 is all about and how we try to help men and give them the tools and resources they need and they had
00:01:46.620 asked me if that's something that's needed and obviously the answer is yes if you look around
00:01:51.740 uh it's very evident that the work that we do here is just as important as it's ever been maybe even
00:01:59.340 more so than when i started doing this 10 years ago uh there are so many men literally millions of men
00:02:06.540 across the planet who did not have male father figures in their lives did not learn the lessons that
00:02:13.460 they should have learned did not have the opportunities that i think they should have been
00:02:18.340 afforded and in many ways i i am the recipient or non-recipient of the same thing um i i didn't have
00:02:26.960 a rough childhood i would say by any means but and i know that there's more men who had it significantly
00:02:32.580 worse than i had it which i don't even really think i had it that hard at all but i lacked that father
00:02:38.420 figure in my life growing up and uh as a as a kid as a boy you know you can you can say as a boy
00:02:46.940 you didn't have that opportunity and i i don't really place that burden of responsibility on our
00:02:53.200 young men i place the burden of responsibility on us as the men who are looking to them to lead us
00:02:59.860 at some point and even now as a grown man uh if you never got the example the guidance the direction
00:03:07.420 the instruction that you should have received when you were a child as a grown man you can now make
00:03:13.320 that decision there's no more excuses uh that's for us but when it comes to how we serve our boys
00:03:20.180 it's crucial and imperative that we do uh the experience i had this afternoon is that my oldest son
00:03:25.800 he's 16 now uh he invited me to go train with him at school and to uh participate in their strength
00:03:34.740 training class with their coach uh skylar miller and uh skylar and i had been connected for some time
00:03:40.400 now on social media but never had the opportunity to meet in person and so uh scheduled scheduled a
00:03:46.780 time to come in and and i went this afternoon and i trained with coach miller and my son breckin and
00:03:52.100 about 20 other boys and they ran circles around me first and foremost i want to say that uh the pace
00:03:58.720 at which those boys move is incredible but i was inspired as i watched coach miller uh lead these
00:04:04.020 boys how he commanded their attention the level of respect those boys had from him and the fact that
00:04:12.420 he's teaching them not about weight training that's just the metaphor for life he's teaching them
00:04:19.380 discipline and commitment and work ethic and hard work and humility and honor and strength and all the
00:04:27.680 things that make us successful uh as men through the analogy or the metaphor of picking up pulling lifting
00:04:35.100 pushing heavy objects off the ground and then sending them back down again if we're just stripping it to
00:04:41.560 its base element uh and i and i love sports i love the physical aspect of pushing and competing and
00:04:53.280 sacrificing in order to be successful even if it means that you hold the heaviest weight you ever had
00:05:00.740 on a deadlift or hit your one rep max on a bench it's those those little lessons that go so far
00:05:08.280 we were talking about a coach that i had we're about the same age and we went to
00:05:13.220 neighboring towns high schools in neighboring towns when we were young and we were talking about my high
00:05:18.500 school football and baseball coach who has actually been on this podcast his name is matt labrum and
00:05:23.340 we're still friends to this day we talk uh to this day 25 26 years later now and i i catch myself
00:05:32.020 with my children saying some of the same things that he said to me 20 years ago so the value of men
00:05:41.120 being in a young man's life cannot be overstated and i fear when i look around in society today with
00:05:50.300 the rise of fatherless homes and the lack of a father figure in the home and the presence that's
00:05:55.880 just not there like maybe it once was that we're at a very important juncture in our culture in this way
00:06:06.100 life i feel like one of two things is going to happen but ultimately our young men they're going
00:06:13.780 to rise up and if we don't give them the guidance and instruction and direction and clarity and purpose
00:06:19.600 and train their masculinity towards something virtuous they're going to rise up against us they're going
00:06:27.980 to rise up against the system they're going to rebel uh they're going to build up resentment
00:06:32.840 and in a lot of ways lash out in some very potentially violent ways scenario two is they
00:06:40.900 rise up but they rise up valiantly with virtue and they decide that they're going to lead and serve
00:06:48.980 and protect and provide and preside the core tenets of what i believe it means to be a man
00:06:53.740 and the motto of this movement order of man to protect provide and preside and the only difference
00:06:59.420 between whether they rise up in anger and frustration and hostility and potentially violence
00:07:05.100 or rise up and honor and respect and class and grace with the desire to lead valiantly and virtuously
00:07:12.560 is whether or not we as men are doing our part to turn around and help the boys that need help
00:07:20.800 harnessing the masculinity that is coursing through their veins and i thought about three things that we
00:07:27.980 can do in general we can talk about some specifics if we get to it but three things in general that we
00:07:33.360 can do every day to ensure that we are leading our young men righteously number one it's leading from
00:07:39.880 the front you know when i went into class today i i trained i strength train um five six days a week
00:07:47.260 religiously without fail that's very important to me my mental physical emotional and spiritual health
00:07:53.840 have a big part in that so when i showed up to class today even though the the pace and the tempo
00:08:01.520 which they moved was dizzying at times i was able to keep up because i realized the importance of doing
00:08:09.620 that but if i went in there without ever having gone to the gym i maybe i'm more overweight than i
00:08:15.980 ought to be i'm eating like garbage and i'm not physically where i need to be then there's no way i would
00:08:22.980 have had the same level of influence that i have with my son and the same level of influence that
00:08:29.040 potentially i had with the boys because i did get a little time at the end of class to talk with them
00:08:32.700 that's just not possible and i have to ask myself too and you is the way that you look and the way
00:08:42.160 that you show up the way that you communicate the way that you dress the way that you articulate a
00:08:46.420 message the way that you're treating other people the way that you show up for work the habits
00:08:51.140 and the activities that you participate in does that speak highly of you or does it say something
00:08:58.760 completely different and i often tell our guys in the iron council this you don't really get to decide
00:09:04.400 whether or not you're influential you don't now you might hear that and think well i i get to decide
00:09:12.180 if i'm influential no you don't you're always going to be influencing people if you're lazy
00:09:17.500 and overweight and out of shape if you're angry if you're slipping into vices if you're not empathetic
00:09:28.640 if you're not capable of doing things that you're asking your children and other kids to do
00:09:33.380 you are influencing those children and what you're doing is you're telling them it's okay to be like
00:09:39.760 this well that's not okay you wouldn't think that's okay for them you don't wish that for them and
00:09:45.720 yet you walk around that way because you think that maybe the way you show up maybe you can hide it
00:09:50.980 maybe they're not paying attention oh no they are so you don't get to decide whether you're influential
00:09:56.480 you get to decide which type of influence you have on your children and the other youth in your
00:10:01.960 community who are looking at you and what influence what is your level of influence saying to those kids 0.99
00:10:10.420 that it's okay to be weak and lazy and pathetic shirk responsibility play the victim card push all 0.99
00:10:18.920 your problems off on some external factor or circumstance beyond your control or are you telling 0.99
00:10:23.640 them that your health mental physical emotional and spiritual health is your responsibility that
00:10:29.740 you're going to treat people with respect that you're going to work hard that you're going to have
00:10:33.660 a purpose and you're going to be motivated and driven and inspired in life because if you're that
00:10:38.780 kind of person that's likely what type of people they're going to be lead from the front guys we hear
00:10:44.660 it all the time lead from the front lead by example it's so often used that it no longer has any weight
00:10:52.080 but i want you to stop and actually ponder and consider and contemplate whether or not you truly are
00:10:58.980 leading from the front how can you tell your son to get strong if you're not working on getting strong
00:11:05.620 and i'm not even saying you need to be the the pinnacle of strength
00:11:08.860 how can you tell your child that it's important that you build wealth so you can serve people if
00:11:14.940 all the things that you're doing in your life are producing poverty or you know just a basic standard
00:11:22.260 of living no you're meant to create abundance and prosperity in your life so that you can serve
00:11:28.140 people righteously how can you tell your children not to slip into temptations if you're slipping into
00:11:37.480 those temptations how can you tell your children to work hard if every opportunity you have to show
00:11:45.300 them what that means you shirk responsibility and pawn it off or kick the can down the road and
00:11:50.380 procrastinate and don't show up the way that you can ask yourself you don't need to turn that report
00:11:56.020 card into me i'm not going to look at it just like you're not going to look at mine but i think it's
00:12:01.840 time you actually take a look and ask yourself are you truly leading by example the next point guys
00:12:07.920 and there's only three i wanted to share with you today so this will be relatively quick but it's deep
00:12:12.040 if you decide to take it deep the next point is to get involved all right we i can't tell you how
00:12:19.440 often i hear from men who complain about the school system you know men who complain about the
00:12:25.900 economy men who complain about their church or complain about their work environment or gripe and 0.95
00:12:30.860 bitch and moan about this or that and this and everything else and then when you have the audacity 1.00
00:12:36.240 to ask them what they're doing about it they kind of shrug like i don't know what what can i do 0.99
00:12:42.960 that's the attitude of losers that's the attitude that will not produce a good and righteous
00:12:51.700 cadre of men that we can at some point look to to lead us and their people effectively
00:12:59.960 get involved if you see a problem fix it if there's a problem at the school get involved with
00:13:08.120 the school board talk with the teachers talk with the principal talk with administration
00:13:11.820 you know i'm not saying just go there and complain about it i'm saying go with offers to
00:13:16.440 to help and and a lot of times i hear guys are like well i don't know anything about it so learn
00:13:22.200 learn um again my oldest son he's getting into lacrosse it's his second year playing lacrosse so
00:13:29.280 he's he's in the midst of getting his season started right now and i know how important it is that they
00:13:34.100 have merchandise and gear and equipment and i volunteered to help with that because i don't
00:13:39.260 really know lacrosse i'd like to get involved in coaching and i'm actually going to talk with their
00:13:42.700 coach about the potential of me going to help in that capacity but for the time being i don't know
00:13:47.880 that world but what i do know is how to market and how to brand and i have access to merchandise
00:13:52.980 suppliers and technology and systems that i use to sell our own merchandise and i can use those skills
00:14:00.820 to serve my son if you know how to play football or lacrosse or baseball do that if you know jujitsu
00:14:09.960 or chess or you know how to read geography like go down to the community center and say hey i'd like
00:14:18.100 to put a class together we're going to hike and we're going to teach all about geography as we go
00:14:21.580 on these hikes or i'm going to teach people how to um build websites how to code and build websites
00:14:27.680 or we're doing a chess class in a chess tournament or we're going to do this karate class or whatever
00:14:33.960 but don't sit on the sidelines and pretend or or at least think and hope that somebody else
00:14:39.220 solve the solves the problem of the crisis that our young men are facing which is a lack of engagement
00:14:43.600 from other men like i said i've been coaching youth sports for well almost 16 years at this point
00:14:51.420 probably 13 14 years at this point ever since i started having kids and i've coached everything
00:14:56.820 from soccer to t-ball to baseball to football to basketball some sports i'm i know what i'm doing
00:15:03.100 other sports like basketball for example i have no freaking clue but i want to get involved and i try
00:15:10.280 to get involved and i'm amazed and a little shocked and disappointed how difficult it can be to get other
00:15:17.740 men involved you know i might ask for an assistant coach and every year i want to be fair every year i
00:15:22.420 have one maybe two dads who are like yeah i can help out or i can be available but the overwhelming
00:15:28.460 majority of the responses i receive when i ask for help from men in coaching their children is crickets
00:15:34.800 or at best i can't because i'm busy with work or busy with these other things and i and i certainly
00:15:40.660 understand that but for 80 90 95 percent of the men the fathers to not be willing to get engaged or not
00:15:49.020 be in the position to get engaged that's a dangerous statement and that's when our boys will rise up
00:15:56.680 against not with and for us get involved in school boards get involved in coaching get involved in
00:16:03.760 the community center get involved in your church young men's program whatever you can do at whatever
00:16:10.500 capacity look we can't do all of it i would love to coach all four of my children's sports every single
00:16:17.280 season that isn't possible but i'm going to do what i can as often and frequently as i can because
00:16:23.580 it's my responsibility even if my son goes to play baseball or lacrosse or football or basketball
00:16:29.500 with another coach those children are not my coach's responsibility in some way they are
00:16:34.320 but ultimately the buck stops with me those are my children i'm responsible for them and i also consider
00:16:40.840 myself responsible as a coach for other young men in the community i spent a lot of time with our young
00:16:47.560 men in uh in a church program and those were some of the best times that i ever had you know going
00:16:54.420 on campouts and and hiking and playing paintball and airsoft together and exploring and doing all of
00:17:02.540 the things that we were doing as a group it can be the best and most rewarding time but we have to get
00:17:08.600 involved and then the last point that i want to share with you today here is previously i said it's crucial
00:17:15.260 that we lead from the front but i would also suggest to you that you find a way to lead from behind
00:17:20.620 and and what does that mean it's a bit of an oxymoron lead from behind what does that mean
00:17:25.600 it means as a leader sometimes you just need to get out of the way
00:17:30.400 i have been the bottleneck to my children's growth at times i've been the bottleneck to
00:17:36.660 growth within my organization because i refused and been unwilling to get out of the way and let
00:17:42.500 somebody else step in and learn and explore and do good things and implement new ideas and maybe
00:17:50.060 mess up occasionally and do things that we've needed to fix and replace and repair but that is
00:17:56.860 the point of leadership to me the best leaders are the ones who can create opportunities for other
00:18:02.340 people it's not all about you at the top of the totem pole dictating all the time what other people
00:18:08.920 should be doing now it's your responsibility to ensure things get done and that you maintain
00:18:13.920 on course and that you keep in mind what the mission is but ultimately your job is to create additional
00:18:21.020 leaders and if you can't get out of the way then they're always going to look to you if i can never
00:18:28.040 ask my son questions about things that he might know that i have no knowledge of and i don't let him
00:18:33.500 teach me i'm not fostering that mindset in him what i'm fostering if i'm doing it incorrectly
00:18:41.400 is a dependency on authority where he'll always have to go ask other people hey can i do this hey
00:18:49.420 what about this hey here's an idea but i don't know what you think i'm not interested in that for
00:18:53.540 my children what i'm interested in and i what i think most of you are interested in is strong bold
00:19:00.340 assertive children who assert themselves not aggressively and certainly not passively
00:19:06.900 but that assert themselves here's an idea here's a thought here's some coaching here's some guidance
00:19:12.940 here's some direction i was at the park over the weekend uh with my oldest son well actually um three
00:19:20.440 of my four children came with us and my oldest son and i were throwing lacrosse and i i don't know much
00:19:25.220 about lacrosse it's a fairly new concept in sport to me but he's been playing for the last couple
00:19:30.460 years and very involved in it and spends time watching videos on college and professional teams
00:19:35.460 playing lacrosse he's very much into it and i was holding the stick and throwing it to him and it
00:19:40.140 wasn't going well and he said hey dad can i show you something and initially i kind of balked i didn't do
00:19:44.780 this like verbally by any means but i balked at it i'm like yeah okay whatever and he showed me
00:19:49.940 how to position my hands in a different way that would be more effective and instead of laughing
00:19:54.900 at it or balking at it or saying what can you teach me or having some sort of misguided ego i said yeah
00:20:00.040 show me so he showed me and i did it and the first throw was spot on and in that little moment i realized
00:20:06.540 okay so a 16 year old son can teach me something your children can teach you something the people at
00:20:14.360 work who are your quote-unquote subordinates they can teach you something if you have the heart and the
00:20:19.740 openness to listen and even if they're wrong i mean we're not always talking about brain surgery here
00:20:26.880 you know if something doesn't go completely right and they mess up that's okay it's a learning
00:20:31.620 opportunity use it to coach and instruct and guide but you have to create a void and what's keeping that
00:20:40.580 void from existing is you you're the problem you're the arrogant leader i mean i'm not i don't know for 0.83
00:20:48.780 sure but i'm saying in this case you could be the one who is blocking all of the growth for your
00:20:56.180 people so yes lead from the front but also learn how to lead from behind by giving people opportunities
00:21:02.600 creating opportunities creating situations giving people responsibility asking them to step up
00:21:09.720 letting them trip and stumble and fall a little bit as long as they're not going to hurt themselves
00:21:13.760 or other people or your business or organization i think it's completely acceptable for people to stumble
00:21:18.620 a little bit it's through our stumbling that we learn new things and we grow and we develop and we
00:21:23.420 realize that we're actually capable of a lot more than we previously thought we were
00:21:27.140 create those opportunities but again i'm going to go back to that quote that i started with
00:21:31.520 if boys don't learn men won't know and if you have a deficiency as a grown man in your own life
00:21:38.840 then it's your responsibility as a grown man you're no longer a boy so you can't blame it on your kid
00:21:43.520 or excuse me your parents or your lack of influence when you're a kid you can't you're a grown man now
00:21:48.280 that excuse has expired so if you're lacking something maybe it's technological know-how maybe
00:21:58.460 it's the ability to make money or to get strong or get fit or know how to do a proper deadlift or
00:22:03.540 know how to change the oil in your car know how to communicate a message effectively
00:22:07.080 or how to rally people around a cause learn learn you have every opportunity to do that and it's
00:22:15.900 most of it's free you know this podcast is free you can get a book at the library for free
00:22:21.940 you can go to conferences very a lot of conferences you can go for little or no out-of-pocket cost
00:22:29.080 there's organizations in your community business network international chamber rotary where you can rub
00:22:35.380 shoulders and network with other highly successful people who you can ask questions from but learn
00:22:39.660 because if you don't know you won't be able to teach your boys and if they don't learn well then
00:22:45.900 they become like you which leads into that third point lead from behind give them enough rope to
00:22:53.780 experience the pain of hanging themselves a little bit we don't want them to actually hang themselves
00:22:58.160 because again that's dangerous but to feel the pain a little bit to feel the burden of responsibility
00:23:02.680 in an environment that's safe right if i give my children responsibility and they're like dad i don't
00:23:08.560 know if i can do this but i say i believe in you i know you can you can do it go like struggle it's
00:23:13.460 okay and i'm there to cheer them on and support them and edify them and uplift them that's empowering
00:23:19.040 and the next time they're asked to do something where everybody else kind of steps back my hope is that
00:23:25.440 my children are the ones who step up so that they can lead themselves and other people effectively as
00:23:30.760 i would like to lead them guys that's my message for you today if boys don't learn men won't know
00:23:36.660 again lead from the front get involved and also lead from behind if you guys have any other thoughts on
00:23:43.280 this or introductions that you'd like to make of people that understand these concepts that you'd like
00:23:48.560 to hear from on the podcast or you just have a question or maybe even a critique or criticism of what
00:23:54.260 we're doing here reach out to me i'm most active on instagram that's at ryan mickler and then we're
00:24:01.100 also really ramping up our youtube channel so if you're listening to this and you want to see my ugly
00:24:05.740 mug for some reason and all the other guests that i have on in a more potentially engaging format
00:24:12.300 because it's video in addition to audio go check it out youtube.com slash order of man all right guys
00:24:19.780 those are my marching orders go out there take action and become the man you are meant to be
00:24:24.660 thank you for listening to the order of man podcast you're ready to take charge of your life
00:24:33.320 and be more of the man you were meant to be we invite you to join the order at order of man.com
00:24:38.860 you