Integrity and Self-Betrayal, Helping Others on the Path, and Rebelling Against Tyranny ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 6 minutes
Words per Minute
156.72429
Summary
In this episode of the Ask Me Anything podcast, I answer your questions about what it means to be a man and what it takes to be one. I also discuss my goals for the new year and what I hope to accomplish in the next 12 weeks.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Gentlemen, welcome to the Order of Man podcast.
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I will be running solo today. Mr. Mickler is traveling.
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And so you'll get me, but he'll be back for Friday Field Notes this coming Friday.
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Make sure to stay connected with us so you're getting the latest and greatest.
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That includes jumping onto YouTube and subscribing there as well.
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For you guys that don't know, we filled questions from a number of different sources.
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One is from our Facebook group. That's facebook.com slash group slash order of man.
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To learn more about the Iron Council, you can go to orderofman.com slash iron council.
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And then today's questions, we're actually filled in from Instagram.
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You know, we typically don't ask for questions on Instagram and Ryan did and we just got flooded.
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And so I'll be filled in questions from Instagram today.
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And then next AMA, Mr. Mickler will be running solo as I will be off grid.
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So hopefully we give some good thought to these questions that you guys have and provide some solid thoughts for you to consider.
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And worst case, we have a good dialogue around, you know, what it means to be a man and what we can do to improve and better each other.
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So our first question on Instagram is from Diesel Loverland.
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For all you guys that wanted Ryan's responses, my apologies.
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So first off, within the Iron Council, we follow 12-week battle plans is what we call them.
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And it's really focused on accomplishing things within a 12-week period of time.
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There's evidence and studies that prove that when we focus on year-long goals, most individuals will have great success initially on their goals.
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And then they'll procrastinate until the end of the year.
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And then you end up not accomplishing anything.
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However, if I look at 2021 as a whole, even though my focus is in the next 12 weeks, I would say my goals are primarily around these areas.
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One, I want to be in the best shape of my life.
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But I want to push that and take that to a new level.
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Second, I want to have growth in a new business venture that I'm going after.
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I want to improve peace at home, if that makes sense.
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And so really creating an environment where our home is a haven away from the craziness of this world.
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And then really around some intentionality around my integrity and reducing what we call that integrity gap, where there might be a difference between what I know I should do versus what I do.
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And I have a lot of areas that I need to sure up in.
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And there's kind of a question a little bit later about what is integrity.
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And so I'll kind of save the definition of integrity for that question.
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But for the most part, that's what 2021 looks like for me.
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Lone Papa, in what ways have you failed to hold yourself accountable this winter?
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Our default behavior in life is to focus on looking good and the avoidance of looking bad, right?
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That's why a lot of people don't do certain things because their ego's in the way.
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The way you're – how you wake up in the morning and the way you dress is part of caring about what people think, right?
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And so – and that's true for me, and I have to put that in check.
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And so when I heard this – when I read this question, I thought, do I want to share this, right?
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Hopefully there's some humanity in me sharing, you know, my struggles.
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And so I would say an area that I've struggled holding myself accountable
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or an area in which I've struggled holding myself accountable is clearing things up with my wife.
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I have a tendency to clam up if I'm upset, mostly because I don't want to overreact with emotion and get in a fight or whatever.
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And then with the intention that, like, we'll talk about it later when we're more calm or when it's appropriate,
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when kids aren't around or whatever, and then I don't.
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And then I just blow it off because I don't want to have that uncomfortable conversation.
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And so that is such a natural instinct for me, and it is a major problem.
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I'm sure the meaning and the interpretation that she puts around my withdrawal is probably even worse than what we need to talk about.
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And so that's been an area that I've struggled with this past winter and certainly an area that has to do with that piece at home.
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So this is actually a great question because within the Iron Council, we're part of battle teams.
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And I shared a lesson to the leadership team just this past week.
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And so I'll kind of share from that because I think it will.
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What I'm saying is that we're saying and doing what we know we should do.
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One, I think when we're out of integrity, it's an act contrary to how we feel or what we.
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If it's it's an act that's contrary to how we feel or about what we should or should not do.
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Act in a way that's not in line with what we know we should.
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And what's so powerful about this concept is self-betrayal requires just justification.
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And so, as an example, if I know I should do something and I don't do it, I have to explain that in my mind.
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Or I shouldn't have to do that because this other person should have done their part.
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Or, you know, everyone else takes advantage of the system, so why not me?
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Like, we have these justifications that go with that integrity gap.
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And often, those justifications are tied to blaming someone.
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And if that individual was doing their part, then I would have been able to.
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And so, not only do we justify our lack of action or our poor action, we actually then start blaming other people for our lack of integrity.
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And ironically enough, if you look at the relationships that you have in your life, and if we looked at from a spouse perspective, and I start blaming my spouse, my mindset towards them has changed.
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And based upon my treatment of them, they become the very thing that I'm blaming them for.
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And it almost becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.
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And we find that evidence, and we're constantly looking for evidence to justify our lack of integrity.
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What we then do is we enlist other people, right?
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We find other visuals, and we share our story with them.
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And then they're like, oh, yeah, you know, you're totally right.
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And now we get this tribalization around our victimhood and our justifications for all being out of integrity.
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I used to think it was like a lack of integrity.
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The drawback of it was that it changed my perception of self, right?
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Like I lowered the bar of my perception of who I was as an individual.
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And I used to think it stopped there, but it doesn't because that justification brings in the blame.
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And once we start blaming people against our circumstances, then we enlist people.
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And the more we're out of integrity, the more we justify it, the more we hold on to it.
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And we will drag that shit along as long as it will work until we are willing to face ourselves in the mirror and accept the fact that it is our doing.
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So, I mean, and hopefully you guys are like listening to this and thinking and realizing that this is far bigger than just like how you show up.
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And this is, I mean, you can see aspects of this in our society about taking a lack of ownership and blaming everyone else for everything.
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And then we justify it and we enlist people and we just, and it's this perpetual, horrible way of being in life.
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And, and that's where earlier, as I think about this year, what are all the little areas, even that I'm subconsciously out of integrity where I'm not doing what I know I should be doing.
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And, and lately I've been given a lot of thought to it and it shows up all the time.
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So it's, it's really kind of been a focus of mine.
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So anyhow, hopefully, hopefully that answers the question.
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Um, all right, next, um, Alyssa Veras, how should young men and women without families in their own homes yet prepare for what's to come?
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So I'm assuming young men, young women, they, they're not settled down.
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They don't have families yet, but how do they prepare to have families?
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Um, it's your ability to take care of yourself, to take ownership of your emotions, your financial wellbeing, and remove the dependency that you have on other systems.
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Uh, and so much in a way that you're then positioned to be able to provide, protect and serve over others.
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In the grand scheme of things to become an effective parent is your ability to protect, provide, and preside.
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If you can't provide for yourself, I can't protect someone.
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If I can't protect myself, I can't preside and provide guidance and direction to someone.
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If I can't do that for myself, it goes back to Jordan Peterson's book, the 12 laws, like fix your stuff, get your home in order, get yourself in order.
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So you're in a position to be that lighthouse, to have that necessary skillset, to be able to do that for others.
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It's not a like someday, or once I find out we're pregnant, we're expecting a kid, then I'll level up.
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We should all be striving for that level of sovereignty in our lives, uh, regardless of our position, whether, regardless of whether we have kids, it doesn't matter.
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Garrett Buck for a man in his last semester of college, what things should I be doing to ensure my success when stepping into the real world as a man?
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So I didn't wait and I don't know if that's still a thing, but I remember when I was in college, everyone was kind of like, Hey, we're going to, you know, once we graduate, I'll, we'll get these amazing jobs.
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Once I graduate, it's like the someday syndrome, the eighth day of the week, right?
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Once I graduate, then I will not, I would get out of that mindset.
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You want the right job, get the right job right now.
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Like get after it, put yourself in a position to take on the real world immediately, right?
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And, and, and, and ensuring your success, right.
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You use the term, um, what, what things should I do to ensure my success when stepping into the world?
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That's the other thing that I feel, I feel like we, we rarely do.
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So the fact that you're considering this at your age is, is way better than ever where I was.
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I sat back and like, well, sex success is these elusive things, but I never like put it to paper and clearly identified it.
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And, and I think this is really important because one, you know, if you're progressing towards quote unquote success, the other thing is by putting it on paper, you could then ask yourself, am I willing to do the necessary items for that level of success?
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A perfect example of this is like the, you know, this elusive term of wanting to be a millionaire.
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Ask any person on the street, would you like to be a millionaire?
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I mean, what's ignore all the misunderstandings of happiness and, and money.
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But regardless, I think most people would say, yes, I would like to be a millionaire.
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But then if you bullet it out, what would be required of them to become one and then ask them, are you willing to do these things?
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And so far too often we seek something without knowing the effort that it takes to get there.
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And, and then, and then you'd be like, oh man, I'm, I'm, I'm kicking my, you know, I'm kicking myself in the butt, constantly trying to like progress, but I can't get, because you had never even defined what there is.
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And without knowing what there is, how can you possibly identify if you're willing to put in the work to get there?
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And, and, and to the point of success, success to you may not be a million dollars and working 60 hours a week.
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Success to you might be working 20 hours a week and having freedom of time.
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What's required or what type of job you would have to have.
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And so sometimes when we don't define these things, we end up chasing something that we don't even want.
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So I would identify what is success and start now.
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Don't start until, you know, don't wait until you graduate or any of that kind of BS, like figure out what it is and start taking action now.
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I have a younger cousin who was living with my parents for the third time.
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I had a, uh, I had a good heart to heart with him when I was in Alabama for Christmas.
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I'm not looking to be a father figure at all, but rather a friend or a mentor living in North Carolina.
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How would you guys attempt to have deeper continual relationship with him in order to show him how to become a better man?
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So the, the first part is, let me lay a baseline analogy and everyone that listens to a podcast over time, you, you, you probably already know what I'm going to say.
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So we use an analogy of a tugboat or a lighthouse tugboats.
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Lighthouses do, but for a lighthouse to work, you are sought after, right?
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We, a lighthouse doesn't like pick boats out in the ocean and help them, right?
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The boats have to be looking to that lighthouse lighthouse.
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So the first thing is, is you need to be in a position where you're even a lighthouse, where you have your things, you, you have your act together and you're in a position to actually even help someone.
00:18:36.940
Number one, remove the expectation that you need to change him.
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And the reason why is because if you have the mindset of, I need to change him, then you're going to approach this whole thing wrong.
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So approach this from a perspective of building a relationship and getting to know him.
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Number two, change your focus on, um, and your attention and focus on the relationship.
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Number three, give him opportunities to help you.
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He, he has to make those decisions on his, on his own.
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We create opportunities for others to take advantage of, right?
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So, and you can do that by asking him to be someone to hold you accountable.
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Ask him for his thoughts and opinions on things.
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But it's very, we have to write this very careful line of serving people and helping them,
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but not forcing them or having the expectation that they need to change.
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They need to come to that conclusion their own.
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And the reason why is like, you could even have like a great pep talk with him and maybe
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He's only doing it because you're suggested it.
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So be the lighthouse, be the shining example, focus your attention on the relationship,
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remove the expectations that you have that he needs to change and then create opportunities
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And, and there's, and there's other strategies.
00:20:36.580
Like one thing that we often talk about is sharing common messages, right?
00:20:41.840
And that could be done through sharing podcasts, sharing this podcast with him.
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See if it resonates with him, sharing books that are profound for you and, and, and then
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have a follow-up and say, Hey, after you read this book, let's talk, you know, and have those
00:20:56.580
I think those are other ways that we can introduce ideas and maybe suggestions, but in the end,
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they have to come to those conclusions on their own.
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Otherwise it's going to be short lived and they're not going to have the motivation and
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They're just going to do it because you quote unquote suggested it and they don't want to
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offend you or some other, you know, kind of short lived reason.
00:21:18.420
Justin Minger, how best can I prepare my son to face the war on masculinity?
00:21:30.720
Well, there's probably a bunch of books now that I think about it, but two books come to
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Uh, we talk about it quite a bit, or at least I talk about it quite a bit.
00:21:41.260
Uh, this book really illustrates the uphill battle that every boy is facing in our society
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And, and, and, and, and, uh, Warren Farrell, even like does like breakouts of like questions
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and conversations you need to have with your sons and, and helping them understand that battle
00:22:05.760
And, and I want to be really clear because as I read that book, it could be really simple
00:22:10.120
to be upset and demonize a little bit like, oh, this is unfair.
00:22:21.500
Like I would really encourage that you understand the constructs, the social constructs that
00:22:30.520
I don't think there's like some governing body sitting out in the world that says, Hey, we
00:22:38.120
I actually think there's, there's social constructs that are doing that.
00:22:43.840
Um, and probably for a lot of people, it's based upon good intentions.
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Uh, they're just naive, I think to, to the consequences of what they're supporting, if
00:22:58.660
So try not to demonize, but understand that there's social constructs in play that are
00:23:04.600
The, the second book I would suggest is, um, the coddling of the American mind by Jonathan.
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And that book really lays the groundwork for kind of the council culture we experienced
00:23:22.880
And this, this, um, lack of understanding of the benefits of, um, different genders.
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And, and it kind of, I don't know, I think it has a play into the boy crisis and it, and
00:23:36.700
it, and we'll, we'll kind of, they compliment each other.
00:23:39.780
And when, when we talk about the war on masculinity, the, the other things I could say is, um, building
00:23:46.440
confidence, um, and, and you being, uh, the, the prime example of what masculinity should
00:23:54.580
look like because the war on masculinity is based upon what misunderstandings of what masculinity
00:24:08.760
Well, one people's making it up, but the other ones might be bad examples of men.
00:24:13.160
So you be that example where your son can look to you and go, okay, that's what it means
00:24:21.360
That's what a real man looks like because the reality of it is the examples that he's
00:24:27.480
going to have in life of what a real man is, is skewed as hell, you know, and, and it,
00:24:35.740
So you're going to have to double down and make sure that your boys or boy is fully aware
00:24:46.280
I didn't have that conversation with my older boys.
00:24:48.820
I don't know until recently that, that, that was even a thing that I felt was necessary
00:24:55.380
of like, what do you think it means to be a man?
00:25:00.400
It's just like the goal question earlier, right?
00:25:08.480
Because if it's society, he's 18, that's being a man.
00:25:14.440
We know that all the people listening to this podcast, we all know that's not true.
00:25:18.440
Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you're a man.
00:25:23.680
There's a lot of grown boys that are victims that can't protect anybody.
00:25:29.160
They're cowards that have no integrity, that are in no position to preside or protect over
00:25:35.680
or, or, uh, provide for anybody, let alone themselves.
00:25:41.180
So I'd get really clear on what it, what does it mean to be a man to your son and, and
00:25:45.940
work on, and Ryan talks about this quite a bit, those rites of passages that you can
00:25:51.540
So your boy is slowly learning, um, that he's be, that he's coming into manhood and that
00:25:59.760
he's going to eventually get that confirmation from you that he is one.
00:26:10.100
This one may be a real deep theological consideration.
00:26:15.340
But what are your thoughts on how to interpret Romans 13, which some people say contradicts
00:26:24.160
It seems too many Christians do not have a solid understanding, if any, of rebellion against
00:26:32.560
Love your movement and aspire to be like you in many ways.
00:26:39.840
So all the, all the hardcore Bible guys are like, Oh, I already know what Romans 13 is.
00:26:52.220
King's James version, just for you guys that use different variations.
00:27:04.720
So, so it looks as though this chapter is kind of like, Hey, you know, powers that God,
00:27:13.840
Um, and if you resist those powers, obviously there's some consequences for rulers are not
00:27:19.740
a terror to good works, but to the evil, will thou then be afraid of the power?
00:27:37.360
So obviously it's, it's from my understanding and dad for camps, my apologies.
00:27:43.100
So I'm slaughtering Romans 13 here, but from the gist of it's like, Hey, you need, we need
00:27:55.760
There are men of evil and that we need to not follow that.
00:28:03.960
Uh, hit me up on Instagram if I totally got this wrong and my apologies, but I think that's
00:28:12.660
And I, and I, and I think this is an underlining principle that every, every man should be, should
00:28:26.440
As soon as they get a level of power, they will practice unrighteous dominion.
00:28:36.080
So the dispensation of most men, as soon as they get a little bit of power is that they
00:28:46.760
Look in your life, look at people that have power.
00:28:51.780
I'm not saying it's okay, but it's very natural when we get a little bit of power that will
00:28:57.820
practice unrighteous dominion and realize that this plays a part in politicians.
00:29:03.420
This, I mean, people that we work with your boss, you and your home, um, with you as being
00:29:11.980
So realize that this is like kind of a natural dispensation of men.
00:29:15.720
Um, now with that said, how does this play out?
00:29:22.720
Um, and, and, and, uh, and I don't know dad for campuses, if this is kind of you're looking
00:29:31.620
And it's really at a fault that most of us are at fault with.
00:29:36.980
And what it is, is we have a tendency to look at society and go, well, that's not righteous.
00:29:41.000
So I'm going to fight against the tyrant, but you know what?
00:29:44.500
You're also part of a democratic Republic that says that you have a say.
00:29:52.560
And so I think we need to be careful, especially in the U S that we go run around moaning and
00:30:00.240
complaining about how things are set up and how things are wrong.
00:30:03.780
But yet we were never part of the democratic process and rised up and had our voice heard
00:30:12.360
in disagreement with whatever was agreed upon, right?
00:30:16.220
It's the, it's the equivalent of you and your wife coming upon an agreement about how you're
00:30:22.080
And then, and then you come upon an agreement and she does a certain thing and then you bitch
00:30:28.820
So the question I'd have for guys in democratic nations, right?
00:30:35.020
Is, are you doing your part on the governmental level to stand up for the decisions that are
00:30:43.440
And, and I would argue, and I would say, even for myself, the answer is no, I, I, I'll run
00:30:50.480
my mouth and moan and complain about how things shouldn't be a certain way.
00:30:58.480
Am I in a position in local government or within my community to help drive what I feel is right?
00:31:04.420
Or do I just sit back and let other people do it?
00:31:07.700
And then I, and then I undermine the process and complain that it shouldn't be a certain
00:31:20.640
When a manager does something, when your boss does something and you disagree with it and
00:31:26.340
And then you just undermine what was requested of you because you disagree and you make a like,
00:31:33.700
and you undermine the process versus actually saying something versus getting more information
00:31:44.800
How many political decisions are made at a state local level or at a federal level that
00:31:51.380
you don't even understand all the intricate details that were considered as part of the
00:32:01.200
And I would probably argue that most of us don't.
00:32:09.000
Where our societies might be in a position where we need to fight against something that
00:32:16.760
might be in conflict with a higher law that we chose to accept, whether that be from God
00:32:30.320
But I think it's important that we realize and we've defined what that is.
00:32:34.080
And we probably define where that line is for us.
00:32:38.160
But before we just sit back and complain and fight, I think we need to ask ourselves, are
00:32:43.760
we being involved enough in the overall process?
00:32:47.480
Because that's, that's what our government is set up to do.
00:32:51.260
And I think a lot of us complain about it, but yet we don't do anything.
00:32:56.680
Cause in, and, and dad for camps, I'm not saying you do this, but I'm just kind of moaning,
00:33:02.480
Or, or we, or we're the people that say, well, I'm doing my part because I make Facebook
00:33:08.580
posts and I'm standing for righteousness through my Facebook posts.
00:33:13.080
If you feel that you're doing good because you're making Facebook posts, think again,
00:33:25.300
The world, what's the quote that I read the other day?
00:33:34.120
And clicking a post and sharing a message or regurgitating information that you don't
00:33:42.560
So pick a problem and actually like do something about it.
00:33:50.300
Meant for more as someone who continues to grow and tries to be a better man, not only for
00:33:56.320
myself, but for my relationship and my family, and tries to aspire others to help them realize
00:34:03.320
How do I fight the urge just to give up on society and say, screw all social media, go
00:34:10.300
live in a cabin off grid away from the problems, which is humans most of the time.
00:34:22.920
And in fact, I, I probably argue a lot of us can relate to this kind of this idea of
00:34:26.440
like throwing up our hands, like, ah, you know, it's not doing any good.
00:34:29.640
So the first question is, or the first question I'd kind of pose back at you to consider is,
00:34:38.160
do you think that social media is a proper representation of society?
00:34:50.040
And I think as we consider that, we'll come to the realization that it's not, and it's
00:35:04.100
I'm a huge believer that I think at least in America, I think the majority of our nation
00:35:10.500
is on the same page, despite what news outlets and, and everything else kind of portrays.
00:35:18.440
I actually think that 80% of us are literally on the same page.
00:35:22.720
Now that 80% might approach things differently.
00:35:27.360
And then I think there's 10% crazies on both in, and that's what we hear.
00:35:34.820
And, and let's be Frank, like, what is the objective of news, right?
00:35:47.900
And, and I really think the polarization that we are currently experiencing in the U S is
00:35:56.900
And so if that's the case, I think you're less likely to want to throw up your hands and
00:36:02.160
Cause I actually don't think it's as hopeless, um, as it's portrayed.
00:36:12.660
Now, do we, Oh, Hey, Kip, we're all 80% on the same page.
00:36:19.020
I still think it goes back to even the last question.
00:36:21.920
I think we need to involve ourselves and, and we need a circle.
00:36:25.760
Like we need to surround ourselves with the right people.
00:36:28.680
If, if our social circle is social media, that's depressing.
00:36:34.460
And, and I think as, as long as we're focused on the people that we surround ourselves with,
00:36:38.720
we'll realize that like the world's not as crazy.
00:36:42.240
I don't remember the podcast I was listening to the other day, but it was, it was funny
00:36:47.660
as like, he was using the analogy of like, you read the news or social media and you're
00:36:53.520
And then you go into a grocery store and you're around all kinds of different people.
00:36:58.600
And you're like, Oh, actually maybe we're not as screwed up.
00:37:01.720
People are still really kind to consider and thoughtful, right?
00:37:04.700
There's a lot of good, good people in this world.
00:37:10.480
And so, you know, maybe actually just a detox from social media might be a good idea.
00:37:16.200
Um, if you're feeling like throwing your hands up.
00:37:23.520
All right, honey, badger B, uh, think you'll write another book.
00:37:29.800
So I, obviously this question is for Ryan, not me.
00:37:33.780
Um, but I know the answer and the answer is yes.
00:37:45.580
Christ, the tattoo, Christ, the tattooed agent.
00:37:55.240
I spent a long time being a not, not nice person at all.
00:38:06.600
How do I find the balance of being a nice guy and being stern and standing up for myself resource?
00:38:21.900
The other thing is I would buy that book, uh, no more, Mr.
00:38:40.620
It's, it's, um, it, the title is not accurate, right?
00:38:53.560
Um, you don't want to shake the boat, but as you guys know, your mindset changes.
00:38:58.460
We all know this is, it goes back to the issue in which I need to work on with my wife, right?
00:39:04.660
I can be upset, but just cause we don't talk about it just because I don't rock the boat
00:39:09.240
doesn't mean that I'm not a complete jerk, right?
00:39:12.540
So there is no nice guy taking advantage of and you continue to be nice unless you just like
00:39:21.980
And then eventually you're just going to blow up on someone.
00:39:27.620
So, so our focus should be, um, being clear in our communication and standing up and being
00:39:42.040
I don't think those two things are exclusive, right?
00:39:46.680
I don't think, I think that you can establish boundaries.
00:39:51.420
You can be stern and passionate about what you're doing and you can be nice.
00:39:59.600
And, and one of the questions I'd have for you is what do you mean standing up for yourself?
00:40:05.780
Because I think a lot of us misunderstand that, right?
00:40:16.060
I think sometimes that maybe you're at a family gathering and the in-laws are over and you're
00:40:22.580
all having dinner and someone's running their mouth about their political viewpoints.
00:40:27.400
And some of us might think that standing up for ourselves is actually debating their viewpoint.
00:40:36.240
So, so be clear on what does it mean to stand up for yourself?
00:40:40.000
Because sometimes this might be our ego, right?
00:40:44.020
And we, and we're trying to protect our ego and I think we need to stand up for ourselves
00:40:48.740
when reality, you just need to let go of the ego.
00:40:54.860
Um, but assuming that's not the case and you are being verbally attacked or people are taking
00:41:00.540
advantage of you, I think it's about managing expectations, establishing boundaries.
00:41:06.660
Being consistent and clearing your communication with other individuals while having the mindset
00:41:17.600
If you have the mindset of those people are assholes, because guess what comes through?
00:41:20.860
The fact that you think they're an asshole is going to show up anyway.
00:41:23.280
So you need to have the right mindset, but also respect yourself and establish those
00:41:27.860
boundaries, set expectations, clear communication.
00:41:35.360
Next question, Sebastian Vasquez Della, what are your thoughts on religion as an education
00:41:55.940
And a great book on Stoic philosophy, my favorite would be the guide to the good life.
00:42:08.460
The guide to the good life, um, obstacles, the way by Ryan holiday, the daily Stoic by Ryan
00:42:16.720
And those are the, the immediate ones that come to mind, but what is Stoicism, Stoicism and
00:42:26.100
what does it, why was it so important at one point in time?
00:42:30.600
Because it has to do with how to live a good life, which includes dying.
00:42:39.700
Well, so is religion an important educational tool for children?
00:42:47.300
Because in the grand scheme of things, what's the intention to experience life, to live in
00:43:00.120
an honorable way, to be able to be on your debt.
00:43:03.380
At least for me, a good life is being on my deathbed and knowing I was, I lived a good
00:43:11.780
life that I made a difference, that I had minimal regret.
00:43:17.900
The worst thing I could think of is being on my deathbed, regretting.
00:43:23.280
And I think at the center of that is our purpose of life, the purpose, why we're here.
00:43:30.660
And, and, and what I love about the role that religion plays in our lives is it transcends
00:43:39.260
Like if, and, and let's, let's remove like the whole thing of like, well, does God really
00:43:45.680
exist or just, let's just talk about the benefit of religion.
00:43:53.020
The idea that I am on earth and I have a purpose and that I might, for some of us believe
00:44:04.620
this, that I have a creator that loves me unconditionally, regardless of the, of the mess ups that I, that
00:44:13.320
I make, and that he would always be willing to forgive me of those mistakes.
00:44:20.980
I can't help, but think that I'm going to live a substantially better life with that mindset
00:44:27.240
versus the mindset of what caring about what Timmy thinks, worrying about what kind of truck
00:44:36.660
I have and, and striving for that, for the approval of man, the acceptance of other people.
00:44:46.540
Man, I think religion plays a huge part in the development and the, and the fulfillment
00:44:59.280
Well, I do care what the religion is, but like many religions have principles that transcend
00:45:04.660
We use different words to represent different principles.
00:45:07.900
Um, of course I, I have my flavor and everyone else has theirs, but I don't know, man.
00:45:14.600
I think they ground us, they help guide us and give us direction and purpose of life.
00:45:20.780
And so I, I think it's, I think it's critical and, and highly valuable, and it should be very
00:45:30.020
And if you're not, then teach your kid how to be a stoic, you know, eliminate the label
00:45:39.520
And, and for this, for the guys, listen, if you don't mind me getting on a soapbox, because
00:45:43.560
I, cause I know we're not all religious, but even guys that are not religious, find
00:45:51.040
Don't be threatened by all religious institutions.
00:46:06.860
So study and, and find the value of these things and incorporate them into your life
00:46:15.160
So you can become a better person that you can live and die a good life, right?
00:46:22.180
A phrase I love is live a life worth living, make a life worth living.
00:46:28.340
And I think religion helps provide that guidance and direction for a lot of us.
00:46:32.600
Anyway, Kyle Reinhard, how can I encourage and challenge my father who is struggling with
00:46:40.240
He is lacking confidence to try anything that might turn him around perspective versus emotions.
00:46:47.220
Well, first off, Kyle, I'm sure this is super tough.
00:46:52.160
Um, especially if it's a elderly father and he's struggling and, um, and I, and I, and
00:46:59.420
not only this, like I can give you the right answer or an effective answer, I should say,
00:47:11.320
So once again, right, we can be the lighthouse, but we got to really be careful on this misunderstanding
00:47:26.900
Um, and we can support them and accept them for exactly where they are and let go of some
00:47:35.140
of that expectation and blaming and judgment that we put on people.
00:47:40.720
So the only things that come to mind is, you know, he's lacking, you know, his, his unwillingness
00:47:48.360
to try things, um, because he lacks the confidence that they will actually work.
00:47:52.960
And, and maybe it's not so much that they will work.
00:47:56.020
Maybe it's lack of confidence that he can do it.
00:47:58.560
And so I'd focus on how do you build the confidence that he can do things.
00:48:06.100
One of the things that we talk about a lot around new guys trying to quote unquote, get
00:48:15.940
And the reason why is because it's a tangible item that builds momentum right away, right?
00:48:22.640
If you're not doing anything hard and getting the reward of it, then you don't have confidence
00:48:28.200
in your ability to, to push through something difficult.
00:48:31.000
And, and let's be honest, most things that, that are probably necessary to get out of
00:48:39.420
And we may not believe that we can do difficult things that will fail, uh, and that we can't
00:48:49.100
It's through those experiences of doing difficult things that we build confidence.
00:48:53.080
And so I would, Kyle, I'd focus on what areas can you, what areas and things can he do to
00:49:00.600
build that confidence that he can rise above something that was difficult.
00:49:05.400
And it might be minor at first, it might be something that he's never done before that
00:49:15.460
And once he does that, like, man, you know, I never thought I could do this, right?
00:49:18.280
So I had focused on those areas to build some momentum, um, around difficult things so he
00:49:26.160
Cause I think that's really where the rubber hits the road.
00:49:33.000
Uh, Dante Martin is, how can I determine the difference between being the leader in my
00:49:41.340
relationship and being controlling or possessive?
00:49:45.320
My girlfriend is very feminine person and as her masculine counterpart, I just want to
00:49:51.820
be the type of man our relationship needs for us to continue improving and reaching the
00:50:07.440
Um, I'm trying to figure out which one I start with first.
00:50:19.520
So I've been raised and this isn't a, an attack on my mom.
00:50:25.840
In fact, I'm not even sure if my mom set this tone or where I got this from, but my perception
00:50:32.000
is I am overly careful about coming across as a chauvinistic male, like overly confident.
00:50:42.980
Because I want to make sure like, oh man, I don't, I don't want to come across like
00:50:47.240
That's like trying to domineer over, you know, domineer over my family and, and come across
00:50:53.560
Like I'm in charge when really I'm not like, I, I am so paranoid about being perceived that
00:50:59.960
That I'm shirking my responsibility as the father in my house.
00:51:08.300
And ironically enough, it affects my family in a negative way.
00:51:13.920
So, so be very clear that you're not, be very clear that you're showing up in your relationship
00:51:25.000
and in your family in the way that you know, you should, and that you're not pandering or
00:51:33.380
trying to manage other people's perceptions and their own issues.
00:51:43.220
Because when you do that, then you're not being the man that you should be.
00:51:49.000
And you are not in a position to provide, preside and protect for your family.
00:51:57.840
And, and, and I think that most women that are very feminine, that they're in conflict.
00:52:11.380
I actually think that they say they want something.
00:52:16.140
They want a guy that's not as domineering, masculine or whatever.
00:52:26.620
And she doesn't know that she doesn't even know the benefit or most women won't even know
00:52:32.160
the benefit of a good masculine man because they don't even know what it looks like.
00:52:38.400
And it's your job to like, show them what that looks like to be the example of that.
00:52:46.260
And, and I think through that process, she'll realize the benefit of, of how you show up as a
00:52:53.220
So I would be very careful that you're not like dancing around and trying not to like come
00:52:59.740
across overly masculine because you don't want to offend her.
00:53:02.680
I think that causes you to show up in a way that is not good for her and it's not good
00:53:08.200
for you and it's not going to be good for your family.
00:53:11.520
So I would get really clear on what that looks like for you.
00:53:16.280
Kind of back to the question that we had earlier or the response I was given earlier about what
00:53:22.420
Like you need to come clear with that and be that regardless of how her interaction with
00:53:30.880
I don't think that's what I actually don't think that's what a masculine man is, right?
00:53:35.920
I don't think you practice unrighteous dominion.
00:53:41.520
You have the right mindset of caring and serving your family.
00:53:44.320
All three of those P's on this logo are ways of serving those we love.
00:53:49.700
So you show up in a way that you're serving and, and you do that by having the right mindset.
00:54:00.100
Let me share something, um, that I was just sharing the other day with, uh, once again,
00:54:05.440
on that leadership call within the iron council, you want to approach the relationship correctly.
00:54:13.060
So imagine, um, imagine a triangle and we start from the bottom.
00:54:18.440
The first layer of that triangle is having the right intention, the right mindset.
00:54:24.100
Mindset could also be described as how you show up or who you are being in the relationship.
00:54:35.660
So it's how you show up or who you are being second is relationships, have a relationship
00:54:43.520
with your spouse because you want to have a relationship with your spouse because you love,
00:54:50.440
You want to learn about her and you listen and you continue to be curious.
00:54:56.280
And through doing those things, then you're in a position to lead, guide, and teach.
00:55:06.680
We don't do those things first because our mindset's not right.
00:55:12.020
It's coming from a place of wanting to change someone.
00:55:15.240
So as long as your mindset and your thoughts are correct and valid and, and are focused on
00:55:24.660
serving, then, then you're going to show up as a proper leader because it's genuine that
00:55:36.220
It's not about ask, ask, not what's the word I'm looking for?
00:55:45.420
What you're actually looking for, if your mindset's correct, is serving other people
00:55:49.340
and, and creating opportunities for others to like grow and let, letting them know that
00:55:55.780
you care and you're willing to serve them and help support them.
00:55:59.300
As long as your mindset's right, you're going to kind of, you're going to figure it out.
00:56:03.220
One of the things I tell a new battle team leaders in the iron council is being a team
00:56:08.680
lead in the iron council, the number one requirement, the right reason you need to
00:56:15.000
Because if you're there for the right reason, we'll figure everything else out.
00:56:18.900
But if you're not there for the right reason, then you're going to do everything wrong.
00:56:24.160
And that, that is your mindset around the relationship.
00:56:26.760
So don't lose that and get wrapped up into your, your, your ego and lose sight of your role
00:56:34.140
within the family and make about your quote unquote masculinity, make it about serving
00:56:59.120
And I want you to know that this podcast has changed my life and has put me on a path of
00:57:13.700
I have a friend who is pretty much a brother to me.
00:57:17.060
He was trying to get on the path, but isn't having much luck.
00:57:20.540
I got him into the gym for a while, but he struggles to stay consistent.
00:57:24.200
He deals so much with his past and admittedly is a very, and has a very dark past.
00:57:31.380
He is, he is of the mindset that it's everyone else's fault.
00:57:38.320
My question is this, what can I do as a friend, as one of his battle brothers?
00:57:45.600
I know he has, he has to do the work, but I can, but what can I do to give a hand up
00:57:59.560
You know, so Brad, I, I think we kind of answered the question.
00:58:04.200
So let me, let me paraphrase based upon some of the things that we've already talked about.
00:58:08.180
So let's, let's use your buddy as, as the example to help prove a point that I was kind
00:58:15.280
He knows what he should do, but he's not consistent.
00:58:25.180
Because he has a lack of integrity because he has performed self-betrayal.
00:58:37.760
He is betraying himself and he needs to blame others for where he is in life and for the
00:58:45.840
actions that he's taking or for the actions that he's not taking.
00:58:56.640
Like he's not going to be consistent and do the right thing.
00:59:05.380
And as long as we don't think it's our fault, why change?
00:59:12.900
I can't get better in this circumstance unless they change.
00:59:21.120
And, and, and far too often we have this tendency that we think, Hey, if, if other people change,
00:59:38.640
And as long as you don't own it, how could you possibly be held accountable for something?
00:59:57.180
I need a rude awakening constantly over and over realizing that the circumstances in my life
01:00:07.600
And there, anyone listening that's like, yeah, but no, no, but.
01:00:10.940
Your ex-wife was a complete bitch and cheated on you.
01:00:27.580
You gave her no reason to seek comfort out outside of your relationship.
01:00:51.720
Own how, how, what you allow and what kind of people you surround yourself with.
01:00:56.060
Own the fact that you have the job you have because you took it.
01:00:58.520
Guys that are struggling on getting on the path that want to be on the path are struggling,
01:01:10.160
And it is they don't think they're in the wrong.
01:01:13.580
And they're not taking ownership over the world or the life in which they have at the moment.
01:01:21.020
And as long as you believe it's someone else's fault, you have no desire or reason to make any adjustments and change.
01:01:28.680
Now the good part is, because I ask Ryan, when we both look back at our past, at major pivotal moments in our life, this was the moment.
01:01:42.800
It was the moment where I got slapped up to the side of the head and I thought, holy crap, this is my fault.
01:01:56.720
And it's super sad because you're like, oh my God, I did this, right?
01:02:03.000
But it's also so empowering because that also means that you can change it.
01:02:07.920
So I would focus Brad on helping him get clear on integrity and how he's showing up and taking ownership.
01:02:28.920
Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin.
01:02:51.260
And, and those books should kind of rock his world.
01:03:13.740
So as you know, me and my wife have been struggling or maybe me and my boss have been struggling.
01:03:19.320
And I came to the realization that it's actually my fault.
01:03:25.780
And, and then explain it to him and explain how we, how you got to that conclusion and what you're now going to do moving forward.
01:03:35.540
That's what makes these conversations so powerful, right?
01:03:39.360
This is what makes your guys's questions so powerful by Brad asking this question.
01:03:45.640
And we get to know that like, holy crap, other people are struggling with these same things.
01:03:49.120
And so create that dialogue and invite him to listen, but don't go from the perspective.
01:03:54.020
Like, Hey dude, I was listening to, I was listening to Kip the other day.
01:03:58.040
And the fact that your wife slept on you, that's your fault.
01:04:03.720
And, and by the way, before you guys all get like riled up about like, Oh, well she has a choice.
01:04:16.900
When a man can no longer change his, his circumstances, he is forced to change himself.
01:04:24.740
Far too often we sit back and we wait for our circumstances to change.
01:04:29.180
Don't change yourself and circumstances will come.
01:04:35.980
No, something I like to say often is our circumstances don't define you.
01:04:43.500
It's how you show up or who you are being in spite of those circumstances.
01:04:59.840
Hopefully we got through some good questions and at least generate some dialogue and some
01:05:07.180
Like I mentioned earlier this Friday, stay tuned, subscribe to the podcast, join us on YouTube.
01:05:13.280
We post most of these podcast episodes up on YouTube as well.
01:05:19.580
If you're not already go to order of man.com, uh, you can visit the store, get your order
01:05:26.000
man swag, support the movement, um, on the social medias, right?
01:05:30.580
You can join us on facebook.com slash group slash order of man, who knows how long that's
01:05:40.280
That's where we are teaming up or you're teaming up with other, other men on teams.
01:05:46.460
And we're actually taking a lot of what we talk about on this podcast and we're implementing
01:05:50.900
it with other like-minded men to learn more about the iron council.
01:05:57.660
And of course, as always follow Mr. Mickler on Twitter and, or Instagram at Ryan Mickler,
01:06:15.260
So until Friday field notes, take action and become the man you were meant to be.
01:06:21.600
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.