ITT 012： Overcoming the Grip of Depression and Suicide｜ John Gilliland
Episode Stats
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Summary
On this episode of In The Trenches, I am joined by John Gilland, who shares his story of how he overcame depression and self-destructive behavior to become the man he is meant to be. In this episode, we dive deep into John s story and how he was able to turn his life around and become a better man.
Transcript
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Gentlemen, welcome to In the Trenches, an Order of Man podcast dedicated to interviewing
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ordinary, everyday men like you and me who are currently in the battle of becoming better
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You'll hear the good, the bad, and the ugly from guys who are striving to become stronger
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husbands, fathers, business owners, and community leaders.
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It's our mission to deliver the stories that will inspire you to become the man you are
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Your host for this podcast is a man who is not only in the trenches, but has drastically
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changed his life for the better over the past two years.
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All right, gentlemen, Bubba here, back with In the Trenches.
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I'm living the dream of doing the math, brother.
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So, John, your story has personally inspired me quite a few times.
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So why don't we just kind of, why don't we back it up three or four years and let's talk
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about where you were before you really got started on this journey.
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I was in a very dark place mentally where depression had set in so greatly that, you
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know, I was grasping at people, looking for answers, and ended up sucking them in for them
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just to walk out of my life because it was too much, you know, extremely self-destructive.
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And a lot of it was guilt from just years of wandering aimlessly through life with no
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And, you know, we can sit and talk about my childhood and how that contributed.
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But at the end of the day, I was a grown man making decisions and they were just the wrong
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So I didn't have any, um, guidelines for life, you know?
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I cheated on my wife at the time, multiple times.
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More, I'd say probably three affairs cheated more times than that by affairs.
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I mean, full on affairs, you know, always provided monetarily and things like that.
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But that's as far as it went, you know, no spiritual guides.
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So that just led to a lot of guilt and shame, which I let control me.
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You know, I wish I could say it was drugs and alcohol while I did those things.
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But that really wasn't the source of my downfall.
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It was actually living without direction and without integrity.
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Whenever you, whenever your, whenever your thoughts and your words and your actions don't line up,
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And, you know, I really had no place to go, but up or dead.
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And I was, you know, doing the one thing that I love the most, which is hunting.
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That's, that's the one thing that I just truly love.
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And I remember sitting in a deer stand and putting a rifle in my mouth, you know, at the one, doing the one thing that I would, you would think I would be the most at peace with, you know, but I wasn't at peace with myself.
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So it didn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I could not run it.
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What, what stopped you from going ahead and pulling the trigger?
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Looking back at it, I want to say it was cowardice.
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You know, I remember sitting, thinking, telling myself how big of a coward I was at that moment.
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Looking back now from where I'm at, at this moment, I want to say it was God just, just kind of holding me back from doing it.
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I don't really know exactly what that is, but just the intro that you put in is, is, is enough for me to say, for you to say that, you know, I inspired you in so many ways.
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That's, that's enough for the reason why I didn't do it.
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You, you and I have had a lot of conversations and.
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You know, your, your story is one that I think that a lot of people do need to hear just because of where you were to where you are today.
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So let's get past, let's get past the suicide, the drugs, the affairs.
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I took a step and I left my wife and it was just volatile and right or wrong.
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As much as I feared it, I just had to be alone.
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And so once I started doing that, I was a friend of mine getting, told me to listen to a podcast of a minister.
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I was on a desperate shirt search for what a man was.
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So once I found it, man, I listened to the first one, the second one, the third one.
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It was like, this guy's, he's, he's onto something.
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And then on my birthday, two years ago, I decided, you know what?
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Like I didn't know anything about any of that kind of stuff.
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I just knew a podcast and he talked about an uprising.
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Had only been on an airplane once in my life up until that point.
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You know, am I going to be on the plane on time?
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And I'm, I'm traveling X amount of miles away with 20 guys that I have no idea who they are.
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You know, I don't, these guys don't know where I'm at.
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They've never been through anything, you know, blah, blah.
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You can talk yourself out of something that's definitely going to be good for you just because
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you think that you're better than needing to do that.
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But it really, it wasn't that I was better than needing to do it.
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It was, I was trying to talk myself out of it because I was scared because I wasn't good
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You know, even though we were all going for the same sort of reason, you know, it's how
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So at the uprising, man, I've, I've heard stories that things got a little emotional that,
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that you came through with some pretty hardcore breakthroughs.
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Why don't you give me a little bit of insight on that?
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I didn't, I didn't go for, to go hang out with guys and meet friends, man.
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I went because I needed help and I was determined.
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And as you and I have talked before, grateful to be an addict.
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Once I got on the road of self-help, there was nothing that was going to stop me, man.
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And, uh, you know, addiction comes in many forms and a lot of times they're bad, but in
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And I just told myself that I'm going to do everything I could possibly do.
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And when a question was asked, I answered it truthfully and I just put it all out there.
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Man, I'm going to say it was the, the most life-changing moment in my entire life.
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Like, like I'm really, it was more than my son being born.
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It was, um, just a different person when I left there, you know?
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And I remember sitting in the cabin with my bunkmate, just, I was just praying on the
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And it was like, it was just like my bunkmate had said it to me.
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So before I walked out of that bunk, I said, I'm going to ask four people before I leave
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here, what my problem is, what do they see when they see me?
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And then whatever, whatever it is, I'm going to have no reaction and I'm going to work on
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I ended up asking five and I got five different answers and they were all a kicking the balls.
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You know, Ryan being one of them, but, um, that's what we have to do, man.
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We can't just go through life and ask ourselves these questions because we're going to tell
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You have to ask people on the outside and be willing to take it.
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The one thing that you said right there that is very important is that we have to take it.
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You, you have got to give these guys permission or gals or whoever it is in your life to be
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brutally honest with you and not get pissed off because whenever you get pissed off and
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you start lashing out at them for telling you the damn truth, you break any and all trust
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And you're going to have some people that they just enjoy kicking the hell out of you.
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I don't think that's really the road to go, but you have to be willing to take it.
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At least think about it, you know, take it what it is.
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And there's going to be people that put you down, but yeah, if you, if you can't take criticism
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And you know, if I would have had that attitude, I wouldn't have walked away from there a different
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person, but you know, going back to second time to the uprising, I mean, you could ask
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any of those guys there, man, completely different person.
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Like it's almost as if it's a different man walked in the door.
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So what you're saying is over that year, you didn't just show up, get motivated and go
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You, you went up there, took those lessons, came home and implemented the work.
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It's all about the work, you know, and sometimes our, our greatest asset is our worst.
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You know, I get in, I get in trouble sometimes with my, uh, now fiance because I'm always about
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You can't, we all get motivated real quick and that kind of fades away, whatever, but
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Before I left there, I had Facebook because I didn't, I didn't have Facebook at the time.
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So I'd signed up for Facebook, joined older man.
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And then a day or two after I got back from the first uprising, I had joined the iron council
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and I had a group of guys around me that they, they saw the want, they saw the need first
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off, and then the want that, that I didn't want to stay where I was at.
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They just fed and fed and fed as much as I could eat.
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And so, you know, some of those guys aren't there anymore.
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Um, they, they've grown and they've moved on, but man, if it wasn't for the terrible 20,
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I don't know if I would be where I'm at, you know, um, and, and Ryan, like I told Ryan
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He's, he kept telling me, no, you don't owe me.
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I did the work, but the one payback that I could give Ryan is just, just live a life
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fulfilling and provide preside for my family and just live a full life, man.
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That's, that's something that you and I talked about before we started recording is that,
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that, I mean, you, you kind of are the epitome of what this movement's about going from out
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in the ocean, no anchor flailing away on the waves to being a lighthouse.
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I'm proud to know you, man, because you really have, you've stood on that rock and you've
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And that, that's, and that's a hard concept to get around the lighthouse.
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You know, we, you and I've had this conversation as many, many, many times of this.
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We always want to, we, we tend to fall back on the tugboat, you know, and I've done this
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Um, and it's, it's difficult, but the best reward that I could ever get other than the
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peace of mind that I have right now is what you just said.
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Like the fact that someone can look at my life and say, you know, he's been through hell
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So man, you, you've overcome some pretty significant hurdles.
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What are some of the techniques, tools, and tricks that you've used in order to do so?
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Number one thing, most importantly, that I have used is intentionality.
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You don't have to follow it a hundred percent, but you have to put it down on some paper.
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You know, keeping all that stuff in your head, it doesn't work, you know?
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So for me, writing everything out daily really helps keep me on track.
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And then the second thing is letting go of the fear of being alone was huge for me, man.
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Because once you do that, once you get on the self-help journey,
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there's people in your life are going to fade away and you have to find people that are willing
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to go on the same journey with you, not fight your battles, fight their own, but do it together.
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And, you know, this movement that's going on with the order of man and iron council,
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A local group of men is the hardest thing to find.
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You know, because guys are people, humans in general, we're just surface level, dude.
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Finding anybody that'll jump in the trenches with you on a local level, I mean, it's near impossible.
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I'm very lucky that I have five or six IC guys within 45 minutes of me.
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I've started a small group here at home with some guys and they're great guys and we can
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And every now and again, they want to talk about some stuff.
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But for the most part, it's just a once a month, we meet up, drink a few beers, eat some wings
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You know, but to get down to the nuts and bolts of things and to find guys that are willing
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to kick you in the ass if you're cheating on your wife or, or whatever the case might
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I mean, we all do it and it's helped me tremendously, but you know yourself something about meeting
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That, that three days that we spent at Aaron's, that was, that was pretty transformative for
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I mean, just being able to, to be there shoulder to shoulder with you guys to, to really kind
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So what do you, what would you say has been your biggest takeaway since you've been on
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I guess the biggest thing that I learned was about myself again, is I was just a mess,
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And you know, that's a tough question for me because it was, it's, I've learned so much.
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I've taken, I've taken away so much from this journey.
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You know, I'm good enough where I'm at, but not good enough to stay there.
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So there, there's a big difference between contentment and complacent.
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You can be content and still want to get further.
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And it's a confidence thing, you know, and, and a lot of times we, we, we become complacent
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because we're fearful of growth because, you know, growth, growth hurts, man.
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You know, that one of the things that helped me when it, before I was in, before I got into
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the iron council, before I met Ryan or the podcast or anything, I was still in that depression
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state and I had a woman, a friend of mine's wife, she just stood nose to nose to me, man.
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And said, you know, your, your, your problem is you need to grow up.
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But that one statement just, it went over my mind a hundred times a day, every day.
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You know, I was, I was a small child when it comes to emotions and integrity and living
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So that's when I finally took a stand and said, I'm just not going to live this way anymore.
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So speaking of taking a stand, man, each one of my guests, they get to challenge the members
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of order of man to do something for a solid week.
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For a solid week, I would say it, it would be ask one person every day for that week,
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I mean, you have to look at somebody to get this point to come across, but how do they
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You ask the question face to face, but do not ask for a reply.
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Because if you ask for a reply face to face, they're not going to give you the truth.
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But let them know it's very important to you for your growth.
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The next time that you see that person, not to have that little, little bit on your, you
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know, that chip on your shoulder, little chip, right?
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And that is confident in himself and is confident in his ability to fail.
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And so, if you can live your life willing to do the work, no matter how hard it is, no
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Whether it be spiritually, financially, physically, it doesn't matter.
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People, men nowadays, they don't think about all the aspects.
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Yeah, well, are you teaching them spiritual control, emotional control, spirituality?
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Are you leading your wife in that direction to be emotionally mature?
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Well, I do appreciate you taking some time out of your day and sitting down with me and
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I really do appreciate you and I appreciate the way you show up.
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If you've been inspired by this conversation, we encourage you to learn more about the steps,
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tools, strategy, and resources these men are using inside of our exclusive brotherhood,
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The Iron Council is a band of brothers dedicated to leveling up their lives and committed to helping
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You can learn more at orderofman.com slash inthetrenches.
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Until next week, take action and become the man you are meant to be.