Kill Self-Sabotage | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about why we sabotage ourselves, why it happens, and how to overcome it. He also gives 4 strategies and tips to overcome self-sabotage in order to be a better man.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is
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who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.
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I'm the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here and welcome
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back. Glad you're joining us. Today, this is your Friday Field Notes. I do three shows a week.
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On Tuesday, we release interviews with guys like Terry Crews and Tim Tebow, Ben Shapiro,
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Matthew McConaughey, Jocko Willink, Andy Frisilla, just incredible, incredible men.
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And then on Wednesday, we do an Ask Me Anything with my co-host, Kip Sorensen, and we field your
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questions. And then on Friday, we do this show, your Friday Field Notes, which is
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just some of my thoughts. It might be a question that somebody poses, or I see
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a continuing concern get brought up within our channels or our exclusive brotherhood,
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the Iron Council. And I feel as if it warrants further discussion, which is the case today.
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Somebody asked me about self-sabotage. This is something that I am notorious for in my own life.
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And I'm going to talk with you about why we self-sabotage. We're really going to get to the
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root of why we do this in the first place. We're also going to talk about how it manifests
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itself, whether it's consciously or subconsciously. And then I'm going to give you four strategies and
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tips that you can utilize right now today to overcome our tendencies, men, of self-sabotaging,
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especially when things are going really well. Before I get into that, I just want to let you know
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that the Iron Council is going to be opening up in about two weeks. If you don't know what this is,
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this is an exclusive band of brothers, all working together for two main purposes.
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Number one, you're going to get access to the network and the network is 1500 other men
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were motivated, were ambitious, who are inspired, who want to have these types of conversations
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like we're having today. They want to get fit. They want to get strong. They want to grow their
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businesses. They want to be better husbands. They want to be engaged fully as fathers. They want to
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succeed as men. The other part of it is you're going to get access to the frameworks and the
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frameworks were used. Part of that is this battle plan. For example, we're going to talk a little
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bit about that today as I talk about sabotage. And we're also teaching you how to come up with goals
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and systems and visions for your life and built in accountability to help you accomplish these
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things. We're also bringing courses online here as we move into 2023. So that's something new
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that the guys will have access to. If you're interested, open enrollment is middle of
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December. So that's a couple of weeks from now. And we'll go for about two weeks with open
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enrollment period on, on that. You can check it out at order a man.com slash iron council. Again,
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order a man.com slash iron council. There's a very quick video. You can watch and learn more about
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it. All right. So let's talk about self-sabotage and specifically, we're going to talk about how to
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kill self-sabotage, how to eliminate it and eradicate it from your life. Because, well,
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I don't feel like I even really need to explain why we don't want to sabotage ourselves, but let's
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talk about why we do. I've been thinking a lot about this, especially as this man asked this
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question of me with, with self-sabotage. And I think there's, it boils down to really two main
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reasons. Number one, it's that we as human beings are lazy. And, and I don't even, let's go deeper
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than that. I don't even know if it's laziness. I think it's just our default of choosing the path
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of least resistance. I was introduced to this idea by Rob Wolf, who talks about nutrition and fitness.
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He's a, he's a health expert. And he was saying that our bodies and our mindset were hardwired.
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And this will tie into self-sabotage, but we're wired to consume as many calories as possible
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and not spend as many as possible. And in a scarcity environment, that's completely true.
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We are all about conservation in a scarcity environment. We've evolved that way. We've been
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in on this planet for hundreds of thousands of years. It's just the natural way is that we're
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lazy. We seek the path of least resistance because throughout much of, of human history,
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we've lived in scarcity environments. Well, fortunately we've done a lot of good things
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as, as a species and some not so good things as a species, but we've evolved to this point where
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we're no longer in scarcity. You know, you think about financial markets and, and, and, and, and,
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and human capital and human potential and the amount of people on the planet and ingenuity.
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We're, we're just not in a scarcity environment anymore. And yet we have evolved over time,
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tens, hundreds of thousands of years that that's just not going to go away. So what we tend to do is
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we tend to be lazy. We tend to conserve when we ought to be out producing. And I actually think
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that we as human beings are fighting against our human nature. Human nature is the path of least
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resistance because in a dangerous environment or a scarce environment, we have to conserve as much as
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we possibly can. But in an abundant environment, we can go out and produce, we can go out and expend
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energy. We can innovate, we can create because we know that that's going to be returned to us in the
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form of profits or in the form of fulfillment. We're going to get that back. So we're actually
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fighting against our human nature. That's an uphill battle. Number two is there are a lot of insecurities
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that we have as men. And when we have these insecurities, we feel like we don't deserve
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what we have. So let's say, for example, you meet an incredible woman and you love her deeply
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and you want to serve her. You want to be with her for the rest of your life. And you know,
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she wants to be with you, but you had another relationship in the past where maybe you didn't
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treat that woman as well as you could have. Maybe you didn't honor her the way that you wanted
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to. Maybe there were some mistakes that were made in that relationship, or maybe you cheated on her
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or she cheated on you. And now what you're going to do is you're going to take all of that baggage
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from that previous relationship and you're going to bring it into your new relationship and you're
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going to blow up what could be an incredible, incredible partnership with an incredible woman.
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A lot of different ways to do that, right? Cheating, treating her less than, but essentially
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what happens is that you don't feel like if there's a lot of guilt and shame with past relationships,
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you don't feel like you deserve to be loved. A lot of us might experience that because we didn't get
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it, for example, from our parents. And so you feel like you're unlovable or you feel like you're not
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worthy. Or maybe when you were a child, somebody made you feel stupid to the point where 30, 40,
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50 years later, you still remember that moment. And you believe that you're a fool, that you're
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stupid and you don't deserve success. Another thing that might've happened is that somebody who's
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wealthy, somebody who's prosperous, financially abundant, mistreated you or took advantage of you
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or exploited you or stole from you. And now you get into this position as a 30, a 40, a 50,
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a 60 year old, where you've begun to build real wealth in your life. And you remember that individual
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who was wealthy, who took advantage of you. And you even subconsciously say, I don't want to be like
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that guy. So therefore I'm not going to be wealthy. And you blow your business up when you don't have to.
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It's amazing. And I'm learning a lot more about this specifically over the past, I would say three
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to six months, because I've really been diving deep into our insecurities as men. But it is amazing to
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me how often our current decisions are made based on insecurities from previous experiences and cultures
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and beliefs, even decades old. So we do have to get to the root of those insecurities. And as soon
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as we do, and we start addressing those insecurities, you're going to find out that you are lovable,
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for example. And that although you made mistakes in past relationships, you don't have to bring those
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over into current relationships. Although somebody took advantage of you, maybe it was a romantic
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interest or a business partner. That isn't to say that everybody is that way. And you start to
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address these insecurities and you start to stamp them out, then you can move forward without having
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to worry about sabotaging yourself because you believe you are lovable. You are worthy. You are
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able to build wealth and that it's not a bad thing. And you could be a good person and build abundance
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and prosperity in your life. We'll talk more about that as I get into the steps for killing self
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sabotage. But let's talk about how we do this. And these are pretty broad, but we need to understand
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how we do this because if we do understand how we self sabotage, then we can identify when we're
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doing it. But you can't fight an enemy that you don't acknowledge or recognize. So let's recognize
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what it does and the strategies that we employ to sabotage ourselves. Number one, I'm guilty of this.
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I'm notorious for this is we rest on our laurels. Again, this comes back to the path of least resistance
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because for example, we've built up some level of financial abundance in our lives.
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I'm looking now for the path of least resistance because that's my human condition.
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That's human nature. And I believe that because I have so many clients or I have so much passive
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income coming in on a monthly or daily basis that I can just sit back and rest and it will continue.
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I really experienced this when I was doing financial planning and I called it the accordion
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effect. What I would do is I would go out and I would market and I would prospect and I would ask
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for referrals and I would make cold calls and I would, it would work. I would get a lot of new
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business and the business and financial planning from the time that you meet a prospect to the time
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that you actually do business with them could be a matter of weeks, could be a matter of months,
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maybe even a year in some cases. And so this would work. The accordion effect would, would,
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would begin. So I'd go out and I'd prospect and I'd spend a lot of time prospecting and I would get
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new clients. And as I was getting new clients, I would start working on managing their cases and
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believing that I had things figured out. And then all of a sudden I closed all those cases,
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but I wasn't doing any marketing in the meantime and my income started to reduce.
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And so I had to go back out and I had to start doing marketing again and cold calling and
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prospecting and getting referrals. And it just became this accordion. Like I could never keep
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it consistent because I've rested on my laurels guys. There is no arrival. That's what we need to
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understand. And as I get to the ways that we kill self-sabotage, I'm going to talk about this one,
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but we, we cannot, we can't rest on our laurels. We can't believe that because the sun is shining today,
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that it's going to continue to shine tomorrow. And even when you're on top of the world,
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realize that the world is spinning. So if you're on top of the world and the world is spinning
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around at some point, you're going to be on the bottom. It's inevitable. You are not above it.
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The only way to stay on top of the world is to keep running, is to keep going. That's all.
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Because as the world spins and you're running the opposite way, like on a hamster wheel,
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for example, it's not a great metaphor because we don't want to be on the hamster wheel,
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not really going anywhere, but I think you get the point. That's how we stay on top
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by being vigilant. I'm going to talk more about this in a little bit. So we rest on our laurels.
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Okay. Number two is we begin, and this specifically relates to our insecurities. We begin to consciously
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or subconsciously undermine our efforts. So the relationship issue that I told you,
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because you feel like maybe that you are unlovable or that you don't deserve love because of the way
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you treated somebody in a past relationship. Now you're going to distance yourself.
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Now you're not going to go out and meet women. For example, now you're not going to go,
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you're not going to be willing to commit to a woman. Maybe you're going to, to use women for,
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you know, sexual needs and wants, but not really commit to that woman because you don't deserve
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to be loved. So you'll have your needs met, but you're not going to go any deeper than that.
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In business, you know, you might do something dumb. You might make, make more mistakes.
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Again, subconsciously or consciously make mistakes, bring in business partners that you shouldn't
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bring in, uh, distract yourself. This is something we do. We distract ourselves with trivial nonsense,
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right? You feel like you've got the, you've, you've got the world by its balls and you're on top of the
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world and you feel like you've got everything under control, but you also, because of your underlying
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insecurities, don't feel like you deserve that. And so what do you do? You turn to alcohol,
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you turn to drugs, you turn to gambling, you turn to womanizing, you turn to pornography,
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you're turned to whatever it might be to distract ourselves from what otherwise could be
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That's the two, as far as I can see, that's the two biggest culprits of how we do this. We rest on
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our laurels and we consciously and subconsciously undermine our own efforts. All right. Now let's
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get into the meat of this and talk about how to actually kill self-sabotage. Number one is you have
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to make some mindset shifts. It all starts with the six inches between your ears. You have to begin
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to make some mindset shifts in your life. So let's specifically relate it back to why we do it.
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So the first thing I told you is because we're lazy as humans and we're looking for the path of
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least resistance. So what I would suggest to you is that as a man, knowing that the human condition
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is looking for the path of least resistance because of our scarcity evolution mindset, that we decide that
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instead we're going to look for the path of most resistance and not for it to be hard for being hard
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sake, but because we know that's what we need to do in order to make ourselves strong. I was at the gym
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this morning and I was the only one there this morning. And I got thinking, what a silly thing
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that we do when we go to the gym. Like what an insane, insane idea that the gym even is. Like we have
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these air conditioned buildings, these climate controlled buildings with perfectly balanced and
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symmetrical weights that are machined with very precise measurements. And we lift these things
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and we push these things and we pull these things and we move these things and we manufacture the
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hardship because it's just not present in our abundant life by default. And I'm not saying we
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shouldn't do it. We absolutely should do it. But it's interesting that we actually need to go out and
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create hardship. And that's what we need to do. We need to go out and create it. We need to run into
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it. You know, I think about a Spartan race, for example. You know, you might run a sprint, which I
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believe is three to five miles or the super, which I think if I remember correctly is maybe seven to
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10 or a beast, which I think is 12 to 15. And then you've got anywhere from, you know, 10 to 25 or 30
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obstacles spread out and you pay money to go do it. Now I've done probably half a dozen, maybe nine,
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10 or so somewhere in there. And so I'm not saying you shouldn't, but we actually go out and we seek
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hardship. We put ourselves in difficult situations because we know that we naturally will take the
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path of least resistance. So we're going to, as men begin to take the path of most resistance.
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Now, number two, our mindset shifts, your insecurities, believing that you're not good
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enough or that you're not worthy or that you don't deserve something. We've got to get over
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that. So we have to acknowledge where that comes from. Maybe that was somebody, maybe that was one
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of your parents beat you down emotionally, mentally, verbally, maybe even physically to the
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point where you think you're worthless. Well, if you take a snapshot of your life or a timeline of
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your life, I guarantee there's things that you've done that prove, if you pay attention, that prove you
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are worth, that you are smart, that you are intelligent, that you are capable, that you are
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strong, but you have to go back to those things and see where they are because too often it's the
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scripts of the negativity, the past negativity and trauma in our lives that pay place. But if we
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actually go back and look, there's some things that we should be very proud of. And not to mention,
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if you focus solely on yourself, those insecurities seem to magnify. The minute you start to focus on
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other people, in my experience, those insecurities are diminished. So when I think about a relationship
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and I think, well, I don't deserve to be loved. Another way to look at that is that person deserves to
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be loved. And I can love that person the best I can. I don't deserve to have as many clients or
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financial prosperity as I want. Negative mindset. Positive mindset is, but I know I can serve that
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individual and that individual needs what I have to offer. They need a solution to their problem and
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I'm the one that can provide it for them. So we turn from self-centric to other people-centric.
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Start thinking about what other people need, what they deserve, how you want to serve them.
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And I've found that the more that we turn outward and the less we turn inward about what we do have
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or what we don't have or what we deserve or don't deserve and start thinking about other people,
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the more we can begin to address these insecurities. And as you serve people, you should be proud of
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that. Society says, well, don't be proud. Don't be boastful. Don't be arrogant. Don't be egotistical.
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And much of that is true. But you should be proud that you have a product that you can put into the
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world that people are benefited by. You should be proud that you're serving your wife and your
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children well. You should be proud that you do go into the gym and you train and you're strong and
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you're eating correctly. You should be proud of those things because you've actually accomplished
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something. So we've got to make those mindset shifts around the path of least resistance and also
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the insecurities that we deal with. Number two, use goal planning as a starting point.
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It's the starting block. Most goal planning gurus and people and systems will tell you that that's
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the end result. Once you write down what you want, now you just got to work and get it.
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Well, it's not. Okay. Goal setting is the starting point. Like I need to get over there. And we,
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I only need to know that I need to get over there so I can reverse engineer the process and figure out
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how I'm going to get there. So now we start thinking about the, the reward or the real work
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is beginning when we actually do the work to get where we, where we want to go. And we find joy
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and fulfillment, not necessarily in reaching the destination. We can be proud of that when we do,
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but we find fulfillment and joy in the process. So again, going to the gym. So easy way to look at
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it. You've got deadlift goals. You've got running goals. You've got squat goals. You have goals for
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how much you want to lift. And if you wrap up your identity and reaching those goals, then you're
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never going to feel good about yourself. And you're always going to have those insecurities because
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you're never going to reach that goal. And even if you do, you're going to set a new goal from there.
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Right. But if instead you wrap up your identity and a man who goes to the gym every day and does
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what he needs to do to be healthy, he eats, right? He goes to the gym. He gets his sleep. He gets his,
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his nutrition. He gets his recovery in. And then we just let the chips fall where they may. Hey, look,
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I'm just going to do the work. And today I won, not because I lifted X, Y, and Z, but because I
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actually went to the gym and I did it. Today I won, not because I'm what I want to be on the scale,
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but because the food that I crammed down my throat was good for me, was healthy.
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I drank a bunch of water, ate whole foods. Like it was good for me. And so today I won.
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So the way that we kill self-sabotage as it relates to this is not focusing so much on the
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goal itself. We only use that as a starting point to build daily practices and habits.
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And then you can decide if you won today. Did I win today? Did I get up? Did I exercise? Did I
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train? Did I not hit the snooze? Did I make the calls I needed to? Did I get through my to-do list?
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Did I love the people I wanted to love? Did I serve the people I wanted to love? Did I do that today?
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And if you didn't, that's okay for today, but don't do it tomorrow. Do something different tomorrow
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and build some streaks in there. All right. Number three, sometimes we just have to throw a wrench
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into the system. You just have to throw a wrench into the system. A lot of people talk about,
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man, I'm in a rut and I don't know what to do. How do you get out of a rut? Man, you just crank the
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wheel. That's what you do. And it's going to be bumpy and it's going to be rocky and it might even be
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dangerous. I mean, I'm not telling yourself to put yourself in unnecessary risk, but at some point
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you've got to mix it up. If you're in a funk, you're in a rut, you feel mundane, you feel like
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life's just coasting. You're on cruise control. Take cruise control off and hit the gas.
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Maybe do something different. Say yes to something you've never said yes to. Say no to something you
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normally say yes to. Hang out with new people. Wake up at midnight and start your day at midnight.
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Maybe sleep in a little. I don't know. Whatever you're doing right now, just do it differently
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for a day, for a week, for a month and see what that looks like. You know, I've been doing this
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with Order of Man now for seven and a half years and admittedly over almost 1,000 podcasts now,
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admittedly it gets a little monotonous at times. It gets a little boring.
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And so I too have to mix it up. I too have to think about different ways to do things and different
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subjects and conversations to have and different ways to do it. As they say, variety is the
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spice of life. So throw some variables into the equation and do something different. And it might
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just re-energize you to the point where you can go back to what you were doing before. You can always
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do that. That's the default, but you might unlock a new way of doing things that's more exciting than
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it's been in the past. And then the fourth and last component of this is to spend time around big
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thinking people, innovative people, consume information from courses, programs, conferences,
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emails that get you thinking about life differently. Whatever we put into our minds,
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that's the fuel. That's the building blocks for what we produce in our lives.
00:24:22.000
So if we're putting garbage into our minds and bodies, then that's what's going to be produced.
00:24:26.680
If on the other hand, we're consuming good information and we're surrounded by good people
00:24:31.700
and we're thinking positively, this is not some woo-woo stuff here because you still have to act.
00:24:37.860
But if that's the fuel, if that's the products, the material, the ingredients,
00:24:43.720
then inevitably you're going to produce a better result. I'll watch my wife cook or bake,
00:24:51.060
and she's got all these little ingredients. Well, if she puts the wrong ingredients in the
00:24:56.100
brownies, the brownies aren't going to taste very good. If you put the wrong ingredients into your
00:25:03.280
body, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, then the result is not going to be very good.
00:25:12.220
Plus these big thinkers and these big ideas and these innovative ways of looking at things
00:25:16.420
are going to unlock access to a place that you didn't have access to before. It's going to get
00:25:21.720
you thinking about things differently. I'm actually reading The Road right now. And I don't
00:25:28.820
typically read novels. I read self-help, self-development type books, but that's something
00:25:33.980
different. And I don't know if it's going to help me unlock some great strategy that's going to help
00:25:40.680
take my life to the next level. I just know it's entertaining and it's enjoyable and it's different
00:25:44.600
than I normally do. But surround yourself by innovators, big thinkers, consume information
00:25:51.840
like that, that you never have before. And you're going to find yourself in a much different position.
00:25:58.900
You guys probably have ideas. If you do, I'd love to hear them. Hit me up on Instagram,
00:26:02.700
share your thoughts, share your ideas. But yeah, this is how we kill self-sabotage. And it's something
00:26:08.420
that we deal with all of us, myself included quite often, actually. So again, to recap why we do it is
00:26:14.280
as humans, we're lazy and we're looking for the path of least resistance. We have a lot of
00:26:18.840
insecurity that we need to deal with and address and just recognize in the first place. Now, the way
00:26:23.640
we do this is we rest on our laurels, ride other people's coattails. This is what we do. Or we
00:26:28.580
undermine our efforts consciously or subconsciously. And the way to finally and actually kill self-sabotage
00:26:34.420
is those mindset shifts, path of most resistance and dealing with the insecurities. Also goal
00:26:42.960
planning is your starting block, not your end point, throwing a wrench into the system and then
00:26:47.700
surrounding yourself with innovators, big thinkers, new ideas, new ways of doing things. This is how
00:26:53.280
we kill self-sabotage. I hope that helps guys. Also, I would suggest to you again, as I started,
00:26:59.300
check out the iron council because we're hitting on this type of stuff. And not to mention, you're
00:27:04.180
going to be surrounded by point number four, people who are thinking differently, who are doing big
00:27:08.900
things, who are dreaming big dreams, who are acting in a way and in accordance with those dreams and
00:27:13.980
making things happen. You can check it out at order of man.com slash iron council. Again, that's
00:27:19.600
order of man.com slash iron council. All right, gents, you've got your marching orders. I hope that
00:27:24.120
helps hit me up on Instagram, share this, leave a rating review, check out order of man.com slash iron
00:27:29.100
council. And we will be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action and become a man you are
00:27:35.140
meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your
00:27:39.960
life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.