Lauren Ponce is a men's development mentor who helps men and couples understand the dynamics of attraction, compatibility, and emotional connection. In this episode, she breaks down the difference between compatibility, connection, and chemistry, and why confusing those three is where most relationships go off the rails.
00:11:47.240And someone has to match that energy with you if they're willing to at the same time.
00:11:53.620But you kind of have to prove that she should be willing to by just honoring your word to yourself, never folding on your boundaries, never putting up with something just to put up with it or keep the peace.
00:12:06.140You stay firm in your values, your morals, what you expect from her in the relationship.
00:12:12.060And she kind of either matches that or or doesn't.
00:12:17.920Well, I imagine, too, if she doesn't and you actually are being a respectable person and she doesn't, then you you need to, as the man, have some self-respect and see yourself out of that relationship.
00:12:31.160Yeah, I tell I tell my clients and people I just talk to on a daily basis, like you kind of have to have a list of like non-negotiables, like what you're willing to put up with, what you're not willing to put up with, because we're not perfect.
00:12:48.060My husband, for example, said I had a list of what I expected from from a woman and I checked pretty much not all of them because I'm not perfect, but most of them.
00:12:58.900So the the pro list needs to be bigger than the con list and the cons.
00:13:02.960You kind of have to ask yourself, like, is this something I can work with or or not?
00:13:08.000And if it's something you can work with, OK, you kind of kind of have to go down that route and see, see if it works.
00:13:12.680But if it's not working, like red flags are there for a reason.
00:13:16.120But if they're not that big or that dramatic, you kind of have to play and see if it's something you can deal with for the future.
00:13:28.940And and I think I've seen, you know, a lot of a lot of people talking about this, this idea of non-negotiables and what can I deal with?
00:13:37.260But but the reality is, too, I don't think people change that often.
00:13:42.420And what I've heard is that I think both men and women probably do this, where we fall in love with these idealized versions of our partner, where, you know, maybe just for the sake of argument, they hit 80 percent of that checklist.
00:13:56.920But the minute you start being intimate and having shared memories together and being tied and tethered together in some ways, you start to create this idealized version of the future where they actually are going to be 100 percent on that list.
00:14:42.800I think the compatibility probably comes first because that's that's how you live day to day.
00:14:48.160And you can kind of ask your person or potential partner like can't or yourself ask yourself, can we build a life together without constant tension or constant work?
00:14:59.240I don't believe that a partnership should be constant, just work.
00:15:04.220It takes effort, but I think it should kind of flow easily and just nicely, you know?
00:15:11.920Well, I'm glad that you said constant because the other side of the coin says that all love should just be easy and simple.
00:15:19.600I think this is I think women generally, if I can be blunt on this, I think they get this idea more so than men, probably because of Disney fairy tales where, you know, they run off with the, you know, knight in shining armor or the prince who kisses them and they live happily ever after.
00:15:36.280And then what I what I have experienced and what I've heard a lot of men experience is that if there's if there's any sort of tension, it's a red flag or it's a sign that this relationship is not going to work.
00:15:50.640And I don't believe that to be the case either.
00:16:00.560No, like there's always going to be something you have to work through, but it's how you work through it.
00:16:05.380And it's owning your part of it, too, because we I believe also like our partners, our biggest our trigger, so to speak, because they're the person testing us and making us better and improving.
00:16:42.200How much can compatibility be worked on?
00:16:44.820Is it something that a person or a couple should work on or is it something that at some of these red flag moments that it's just, hey, let's not do this.
00:17:15.040Like, OK, but it might cause some friction in the future, especially if somebody is super like dead on about their religion and they expect their partner to kind of either mold to it or accept it or not.
00:17:27.500So I think that I I don't really think you can really work on that because those are your core values.
00:17:35.160Like that's who you are as a person and how you how you live day to day.
00:17:39.460So that's where the questions come in.
00:17:44.940Are we moving in the same direction, so to speak?
00:17:47.720And if we're not, then then you're not.
00:17:50.240I don't think you should try and fight that too much.
00:17:53.360Yeah, I mean, it's just it's a recipe for disaster, right?
00:17:58.300Whether it happens now or happens down the road, it's going to happen and it better happen now because if it happens down the road, there's financial ramifications.
00:18:08.000And I don't think you can out love incompatibility.
00:18:11.700Like if you're incompatible, you're incompatible.
00:18:15.260Like you can't communicate your way out of just opposing values and differences.
00:18:20.100Like those are your values and your differences.
00:18:22.260Like it's very difficult to kind of think like somebody else when you've been living and thinking a certain way for so long and it's it's conflicting.
00:18:31.520So short answer, no, I don't think that it can be really worked through.
00:18:37.060That's just my opinion and kind of how we live.
00:18:41.140Well, that's one of the most frustrating things for so many men is and I'm sure women feel the same way because you can fall in love with somebody and actually truly be deeply in love with that person.
00:18:51.180And there can be chemistry with that individual and it's still not work out.
00:18:55.800I just wish that if if two people aren't compatible, I wish it was set up in a way where it's like, yeah, you're just not going to fall in love or you're not going to have chemistry.
00:19:06.020But that's not what happens, unfortunately.
00:19:08.040No, I kind of wish there was like a compatibility test for people to take before they got married or got together, decided to have kids because I think it would just save save people some some time and just their their life, you know.
00:19:23.080But people get together for many different reasons that compatibility or connection might not really be that.
00:19:30.340It might just be your remembering how this feels from childhood and whatever that is, if it's scary or sad or or happy or whatever, your body remembers that.
00:19:41.660So you kind of attach yourself to these people from familiar feelings and habits from from your past.
00:19:54.280Well, I know, too, that you that people will attach themselves to toxic individuals and toxic traits because they grew up in a toxic environment.
00:20:06.720And so the the discomfort of being in something familiar is easier than the discomfort of uncertainty.
00:20:15.980And this is why I have this theory about why women, for example, will stay in abusive relationships, because at least it's the it's as the phrase go, the danger, you know, rather than the uncertainty of what might happen if you're not there.
00:20:30.440It's familiar, it's familiar, your your body naturally gravitates towards what's familiar, whether it's positive or negative, like if you grew up with an unstable home or constant nagging, fighting ups and downs, you're going to seek that in in a partner unintentionally.
00:20:50.560That's just what your body's familiar with.
00:20:52.660So anything outside of that is unfamiliar.
00:20:55.340And we don't like the unfamiliar because we don't know what that's going to feel like.
00:21:00.440When so compatibility just seems like it's it's either there or it's not.
00:21:06.020And there's not a lot that you can do.
00:21:08.700I imagine chemistry is more heavily weighted on just biology, what you're attracted to and what you're not, although I'm sure some of it can be created.
00:21:20.900I said, although I'm sure some of that chemistry can be created or manufactured or magnified, maybe just based on the way.
00:21:27.660Yeah. And I think it comes with time to have just learning about the person that you're with, too.
00:21:33.220Like chemistry is that polarity, that attraction, the desire, the playfulness that you guys have together, that it's like a magnet.
00:21:43.400OK, like negative and positive energies, they they attract.
00:21:47.620It's like the masculine energy and feminine energy they attract.
00:21:50.460But chemistry alone can be a little dangerous, too, because chemistry without compatibility creates sometimes like a trauma bond or an obsession with this person.
00:22:02.200And again, the on again, off again dynamic.
00:22:05.040So, again, you can't have one without all three.
00:22:08.220The chemistry without compatibility and then compatibility without connection and vice versa.
00:22:13.660All these things, they all need to be worked on as you're growing as a couple, too.
00:22:18.120And I think a lot of people confuse and this is what we kind of just talked about, that when your nervous system gets activated like that with those familiar feelings, they confuse that with chemistry.
00:22:32.460That's kind of your unresolved trauma that you might be dealing with.
00:22:36.800How do you how do you differentiate, though, between, hey, I have this real chemistry with this person versus, you know, thoughts I've even had.
00:22:46.480And I know a lot of men have as well as the feeling of I just don't want to be alone or I'm afraid of losing somebody more than I have connection with this person.
00:24:06.660Like Pete for a man, peace, once you have that, you're never going to let it go.
00:24:13.840But some guys don't even know what peace feels like because they've never had a stable relationship from their mother or their father or any relationships growing up.
00:24:22.960And then their wives, the people that they choose.
00:25:16.200So I learned from a very young age to just keep it in no matter what, because if you say something out loud, you're you're wrong, so to speak.
00:25:23.800So my husband knew that and he had to kind of like force me and sit me down and get me to speak and just so I could actually get it out.
00:25:34.040And he would prove to me that he wouldn't explode.
00:26:04.300But no, he'd rather have that because he would see me literally like shake and get anxious.
00:26:09.380Like I desperately wanted to get this out, but I was just scared of what he was going to say or how he was going to react.
00:26:17.120But, yeah, he he did a good job at just being patient with me and trusting himself and trusting me like, no, we can work through this together.
00:26:26.780But he never he never used it against me.
00:26:30.040He never like, Lauren, why aren't you what's wrong with you?
00:26:40.820Well, I'm glad you're talking about this because there there are phrases like you need to create, you know, space or create this container or create the margin.
00:26:48.540And we as men, we don't know what that means.
00:27:34.580But women, no, like we see problem solution, but we want to like go through all of this mess before we even want to hear the solution.
00:27:43.360So sometimes, even if you see us flustered or frustrated and you can see us getting like a little overly emotional, just let it, let us talk, let us get it out.
00:27:54.960In the back of your head, you're thinking like, okay, here we go again, like whatever.
00:27:59.360But just getting her to just talk and sitting there and understanding her and then coming in with the solution very slightly at the end.
00:28:08.440So she doesn't feel like she's being attacked or, or, um, I don't know.
00:28:13.680It's like you're an idiot or something.
00:28:22.940It seems to me, generally speaking, that women are, well, I mean, we know this to be true, that women are more relational in their problem solving, right?
00:28:29.780So they'll enlist ideas of other women and other people, and they'll consider very abstract factors that probably don't play much of a part in the solution to the thing.
00:28:40.520And, and it takes a while and they start to loop where as men are more linear and the advantages of that is that we get to solutions quickly.
00:28:49.740And, uh, we, we, we, you know, we solve problems.
00:28:54.480The downside I think for men is that sometimes we end up leaving a wake of collateral damage in our path because we're not as relational.
00:29:01.420So I don't care if somebody gets in my way, that's where I need to go.
00:29:05.120And I'm going linear to that place, regardless of what's in front of me.
00:47:33.240Because that person is choosing to be with you.
00:47:35.420They're this attractive person and they're choosing to be with you.
00:47:38.660So not only is it a compliment to them, it's a, it's, it's, you're, you're proud because you're like, yeah, I have this person who's really, really attractive in multiple ways.
00:48:25.740But there, but you know, there, there may not be something formal, but I think having these conversations helps people understand that there, there's some compatibility issues that should be brought up.
00:48:36.300There's a, a, a dating coach, David Meason, that is a friend of mine.
00:48:41.300And, and contrary to popular opinion, he also, he often suggests on first dates that if it's important to you, whether it's politics or religion or some of these very polarizing subjects, then you ought to actually bring it up.
00:49:24.660Like there was a spark there, but connection I think is built over time.
00:49:28.100I think that is more of a, like the emotional intimacy.
00:49:32.500It's the trust that you guys have between each other, how safe one another make, how you guys make each other feel, um, how vulnerable you can be with one another and just feeling, feeling seen.
00:49:45.760And I think it's built over time just through consistency and honesty and how you guys, um, repair conflict, um, and just having a level of emotional maturity too.
00:49:57.860And I don't think the connection is honestly instant right away.
00:50:01.620That spark is more of just a spark, like, Oh, like an attraction or this person it's easy to talk to.
00:50:09.120But that connection is, is more emotional.
00:50:12.460How you guys work on things together, what you do with each other.
00:50:17.460If you go on trips, if you talk, communicate, build this, this love with each other.
00:50:22.380So I think connection kind of comes last, but again, all three, they need constant work, not constant, take it back, take it back.
00:50:29.640They, it just needs attending to all three of them all of the time.
00:50:34.500So, so would you say then if connection is longer, that chemistry is something that, I mean, look, we can all go on a date and be really excited about a person, the way they look or the way they communicate or something they say that just drives us wild in a positive way.
00:51:52.180Healthy relationships, they require all three.
00:51:55.400And just aligned values are, are a big one to start.
00:51:58.700So I think starting there, at least getting that off your chest, talking about the politics, the religion, the kids, the whatever, like talk about it.
00:52:06.960So, you know, and if you guys agree, beautiful, let's move on to the next phase.
00:52:14.760I think a lot of the times it comes from a place of scarcity.
00:52:20.040And I'm talking mostly about men who might be dating or not yet in long-term committed relationships where if there isn't an abundance of optionality for a man or a woman, then they're going to suffer more for a relationship that might just not work.
00:52:38.540Because what other option do they have?
00:53:24.080So for those guys who are in long-term committed relationships, marriages, et cetera, when you start to see that roommate phase or even guys just falling out of the honeymoon phase with, with the woman in their life, where, where should he start?
00:53:39.980Because I think most men, well, I mean, you even know this, the statistics and data back it up that, you know, divorces are more often initiated by women, which just leads me to believe that men, because of the numbers, would rather stay in the relationship and try to figure it out, I think.
00:54:00.560So where does a guy, where does he start if he starts to see some of these problems in his marriage?
00:54:05.340Going to some type of therapy for a little bit, just to have somebody look at it from a bird's eye view and kind of give him some understanding maybe about the situation and where he might have lost himself along the way.
00:54:23.460Regardless of the statistics and the data, like that's not a reason just to stay and deal with it.
00:54:30.860Like if you're not happy, do something about it.
00:54:35.200Like go and talk to someone, read a book, listen to a podcast, hire a coach, a mentor, something to kind of start learning about yourself.
00:54:43.460And I think it starts there is learning about who we are as people, why I am the way that I am, why I react this way, why I attract these people into my life.
00:54:54.240And because, again, we I don't think we necessarily just choose people or seeking them.
00:54:59.760I think we attract them based on wherever we're at in life, like where we're kind of vibrating a little bit.
00:55:05.640We're going to attract that same frequency of person, too.
00:55:09.280So I think if you learn about yourself, elevate yourself, become OK being alone, like I know that they're in a relationship, but just having that mentality, like I'm OK with me.
00:55:22.020Whoever I decide to build this connection and family or future with, they're either going to match my vibration, so to speak, or not.
00:55:31.660And that's where a lot of, I think, disconnect comes in with with relationships that people don't want to work on themselves because working on themselves kind of makes them realize like, wow, I I got myself here and maybe we aren't compatible.
00:55:44.460Maybe this isn't how it's supposed to go.
00:55:47.720And then people separate and it's almost then separating the families and everything.
00:55:51.860It's like, but if you were to have dealt with that in the beginning, then we wouldn't have been here at the end, you know, so I think it's it starts just with with yourself starts with the man analyze your life.
00:56:06.560Because it's us like we got ourselves to wherever we're at in life and we can get out of it, too.
00:56:12.160But it takes just awareness and a choice to want to become better.
00:56:16.220Yeah, that makes I mean, I think a guy ought to do that, right, even in that long term relationship is continue to work on yourself.
00:56:24.540Not only is it going to be better for you as the man, but it's also going to be make you more attractive to her.
00:56:29.820I think I think that can reignite some sparks and reignite some some connection with you have to kind of do things that brought you guys together in the first place.
00:56:40.800Like, however you got together, whether you met at a restaurant or a club or a bookstore, the gym or whatever, like and what did you guys do to kind of ignite that spark?
00:57:23.060So you can't you have to keep working on it and adding fire to it to keep the fire burning.
00:57:29.860Well, and I also think that when two people aren't compatible, that it's really easy if you're not working on yourself to make that rejection an indictment on you.
00:57:46.880I think that there's two people who can be really good people who can care about each other deeply and at the end of the day are not compatible.
00:57:55.620And it's not an indictment against anybody's personality.
00:58:24.780But again, you there has to be some mutual understanding, too.
00:58:30.520Like if one person's working on the relationship and the other's not, I mean, it's not going to work, you know, until the other person kind of sees, oh, OK, I can see this.
00:58:58.540I made a choice to hire mentors and kill myself in the gym and not stop drinking and eat good.
00:59:04.680Like there was a lot of choices I made because I recognized that there was a problem and I created that problem based on just accepting it from for whatever reason I accepted it because that's just how I saw what I saw growing up just in my family and relationships I saw growing up.
00:59:21.960So recognizing that there is something we need to work on is a big one, but then doing it, taking the action to do it.
00:59:29.900And it's it's going to be work, especially if you go 20 years unresolved and all these, oh, my gosh, all this stuff baggage, so to speak, it's going to be hard to unpack it.
00:59:41.500So that's why you need to do it like in the moment.
00:59:43.980Now, every year should be better and better and better with your with your partner because you're getting deeper, you're building that connection.
00:59:52.700And again, it requires time and it's based off of the consistency, the safety and the trust that you guys are building to each other.
01:00:00.180And that you don't get that easily or quickly.
01:00:05.280Well, and it's, you know, it's it's interesting because when when men go through breakups and women, too, is when they start to do the things that made them attractive in the first place, they're going back to the gym, they're worrying about themselves, they're reengaged in hobbies and activities and interests.
01:00:22.820The things that made them attractive is that personal work.
01:00:26.000And I think if you're in a long term committed relationship, you should probably do that now so that you don't find yourself in a situation, a divorce or a separation after 10, 15, 20 years of being together is continue to do that self work and that self care.
01:00:43.420It is hard, though, because I don't think the messaging is the same generally for women.
01:00:49.000It is as it is for men, but men are the messaging is you need to sacrifice for your partner, for your person.
01:02:28.940And you have to remember that and be so happy at the life that you have and the partner that's choosing to be with you, too.
01:02:37.300And what like when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think of is like, OK, I got to I want to make the house look nice for for us.
01:02:45.360I want to make our coffee like I write.
01:02:47.400I have a little whiteboard on our fridge and I write every morning a little note, just something something cute.
01:02:53.300And he melts like it's just he's like, oh, like, that's so cute.
01:02:57.180You know, like it's not something he does for me.
01:02:59.500He does stuff differently for me to make me feel that way.
01:03:01.800But it's learning those little things about your person.
01:03:08.320And figuring it out and keeping like a note in your brain.
01:03:12.820And so you can use that for reference.
01:03:16.220I like the term you used a little bit ago.
01:03:18.780You said cracking the code that that resonated with me.
01:03:22.100And it is it's like I really believe that we should constantly be trying to figure out our partner, you know, is like, OK, what what like you just said, what makes her tick?
01:03:54.500And I can't remember who it was, but they they said that once you start and I'm going to butcher this thinking that you've figured out your partner, it's the end of the relationship.
01:04:07.020And I thought that was so interesting just to be curious about what makes the woman in your life run.
01:04:12.360Like that seems like a fun, enjoyable process.
01:04:15.640Yeah, I just started reading her book, The Queen's Code.
01:04:31.280Sometimes I wonder, I'm like, you know, this woman, she she had to have been a kindergarten teacher in another life or something because she's so sweet in the way she taught.
01:04:40.000And sometimes I feel a little bit pandered to when I'm listening to her videos.
01:04:48.500And that's kind of who I admire her a lot just because she made it her duty to understand the man and their brain and how they think, what they like, what they don't like.
01:05:00.700Because we we naturally will not understand that because we are not men like we are women.
01:05:06.860We have women, brain, women, DNA, biology, everything.
01:05:10.180Like, so how how can we understand men by studying them and asking questions and being just open to them, too, and not just all about me, me, me, me.
01:05:22.700Like, that's what those Disney movies always show is the girl and the princess and the me.
01:05:43.980Well, I think, you know, once reality hits, it changes the tune pretty quickly when you start having bills and kids and other duties and other obligations and things that are pulling you away from each other.
01:05:55.960It seems like the best thing that you can do is work on yourself and also pour into working on the relationship.
01:06:02.420It is interesting because, man, we will work on things that are important to us.
01:06:09.720We'll build things out of wood out in the shop or the garage.
01:06:13.540We'll, you know, make our office space or our man cave look as great as it possibly can.
01:06:19.940And I think if I'm being honest and I'm guilty of this as well, is that we don't pour the same sort of attentiveness into the relationship, especially after.
01:06:29.300Even if it's subconscious, we think, well, I've got the girl.
01:07:34.980So he actually got me a year of salsa classes with a salsa instructor to learn how to dance.
01:07:40.420And when we go out now, we that's a fun way to connect with each other, just dancing and going to concerts, going to shows again, walking and going to the beach, going to dinner, playing Uno.
01:07:53.660Like we like to play Uno sometimes in our living room, just with some candles and music, just with each other.
01:08:01.300And it's beautiful talking with each other.
01:08:03.980I think we get a little disconnected as the days and years go on just from, I think, comfortability.
01:08:14.300Just the intentionality behind date nights, behind connection, behind asking good questions, behind being curious.
01:08:22.040It doesn't, because there is so much going on in our lives, it just, I just don't think it'll happen organically.
01:08:28.900There's too much pulling for our attention that we won't just by default go on a date.
01:08:34.360Like you actually have to be intentional about it or play Uno in the living room like you're talking about or set aside time for real conversations about what's good and bad and what you're afraid of and what you're hopeful for and all the good conversations you can't have if you're intentional about it.
01:08:58.700I mean, I feel like if you're kind of just coasting through, I mean, I admire you a little bit if you can just coast through life like that.
01:09:24.380Like something that helps me get closer to my husband is when he's a little vulnerable with me or sharing things with me that he might not want to share because he wants to keep it in and keep it together and strong.
01:09:38.460But when he shares things with me that I know he wouldn't share with anybody else, that makes me feel closer to him and safer to him.
01:09:46.200And when I do the same thing or if I notice he's stressed, I take that away.
01:10:00.460I think just understanding your partner and recognizing when they need some regulation, when they're obviously not doing it themselves, like study them, study your person and what, what makes them happier, what calms them down.
01:10:15.020And then again, what triggers them so you know not to do that again and catch it if you feel those feelings come.
01:10:21.140Like it's, you're learning about this person and you're learning about just their personality and they're choosing to do the same thing to you.
01:10:29.680Again, we are, we're choosing this person into our life.
01:10:32.660It's our job to, to learn about them and figure them out.
01:10:36.900Well, I'm also glad that you talked about just being in service towards one another because there's the, there's the common thing you hear of like, you know, a woman making her man a sandwich as it's, as if that's a bad thing.
01:10:49.900I don't understand why, why we mock that.
01:10:52.200I'm like, of course she should make you a sandwich.
01:10:55.540If that's what you resonate with and that's how she wants to serve you, why is that a bad thing that a woman makes her, her man a sandwich for lunch or brings him some lemonade when he's out working in the yard?
01:11:06.440It's crazy that we villainize stuff like that.
01:11:08.920I know I, there's nothing more like, I love making food.
01:11:47.400And if there's any negative, I believe you have to ask yourself why, like, why do I feel threatened by this?
01:11:53.500Or what, what is making me have this reaction?
01:11:56.580You know, like it's, I think just asking questions to ourself when we're in times of stress or even happiness, like just asking yourself, like, what is making me happy right now?
01:12:07.920Oh, he's making me laugh or he's making me feel safe or he's protecting me or what, why is he upsetting me?
01:12:15.020Okay, what is he doing that's upsetting me?
01:12:28.340Well, Lauren, how do we connect with you?
01:12:30.020Obviously I would direct people over to your Instagram page.
01:12:33.260I'm sure you've got other places, but your videos are great.
01:12:35.740And you put a lot of content out there.
01:12:37.560Every time I get on there, I'm like another video, like how's she putting so many videos out there?
01:12:42.280And for the record, I have no social media team management.
01:12:47.300It's literally just me and my husband.
01:12:49.240Like we're getting to the point where we will, we'll need that because it's getting a little overwhelming, but it's, it's all positive, all fun.
01:12:56.540All my social media handles are Flourish with Lauren on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram.
01:13:01.640My website is in the works right now as we speak.
01:13:57.960I really want the guys to check it out and the ladies too, because I think you actually said you started with your audience being women, but the majority of, of people who it seems like are following you or gaining insight from your advice are men.