Order of Man - Leading with Humility, When to Rest, and Dealing with Death

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.040 Kip, what's going on, man? Glad to be joining you for another Ask Me Anything.

00:00:27.720 It's good. This was one of those mornings, Ryan, where I was borderline going to say,

00:00:35.780 hey, can we just skip this week?

00:00:39.180 The answer would have been a no. Yeah. Emphatic no.

00:00:44.080 Absolutely not, man. We have not missed a single episode since we started,

00:00:48.460 but I would have figured something else out. It sounds like you're busy. I know I'm busy too.

00:00:52.420 Yeah. I mean, it was just, I don't know, so much busy just, I mean, I don't know.

00:00:57.180 Maybe that's an excuse, just chaos. You know what I mean? I had a daughter that

00:01:01.060 wanted to wear gymnastics clothes to school this morning, and none of her shirts match,

00:01:06.760 and you know what I mean? She can't get her hair right, and so she's upset, and baby's crying,

00:01:12.780 and I can't find my wallet. I mean, it was just kind of like one of those mornings. So I'm like,

00:01:17.820 oh, frustrating. All kinds of fun stuff.

00:01:22.200 Yeah. First world problems, right?

00:01:24.220 Right, right. Things that guys are hearing, and they're like, oh yeah, let me tell you about my

00:01:27.560 stuff. Totally.

00:01:29.940 Yeah. Which is not a comparison game, but you know, everybody deals with their own stuff. I

00:01:33.820 actually think that chaos is, it's a time management issue. And I'm not saying that you

00:01:41.400 need to fix your stuff, because all of us do, right? Like I'm chaotic this week too with our

00:01:46.200 move coming up this weekend and everything else, but that truly is what it is. It's just a time

00:01:51.980 management issue, because if we managed our time more effectively, we learned how to say no to the

00:01:56.460 wrong things, yes to the right things. We didn't procrastinate, which is what I've done on moving.

00:02:01.080 We would have significantly less chaos and clutter and madness in our lives. I think.

00:02:08.860 I totally agree. I can look at my morning and it had to do with two things, time management and

00:02:15.340 just general organization and structure. If those two things were in place, all my chaos this morning

00:02:22.040 wouldn't have happened. Yep. Yep. That's how it goes, man. And I know a lot of guys are dealing with

00:02:26.980 that. So manage your stuff. Don't let it manage you. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get into it

00:02:33.220 today. Guys, if you don't know what we're doing here, because you're joining us for the first time

00:02:36.600 and there are a lot of guys every week, man, our numbers are keep going up and up and up.

00:02:40.840 So I know there's a lot of new guys listening in. Glad you're here. If you don't know what this is

00:02:44.880 about, this is our ask him anything. So we're fielding questions from men of the order and of the

00:02:49.560 iron council. And we're doing our best to answer those questions. I say our best because we don't

00:02:54.180 always get it right. Although 99% of the time I'd say we do. Yeah. Yeah. We're, we're right. And if

00:02:59.660 you disagree, you're wrong. It's really simple. Pretty easy. I mean, there's not a whole lot to

00:03:03.720 it other than that. All right, man. There's absolute truth in everything that we say.

00:03:08.980 That's right. It's, it's objective truth. There's no opinion. It is not, it's not subjective here.

00:03:13.620 It's objective truth. Yep. Totally. We're joking by the way, because I know there's going to be

00:03:19.200 inevitably people who's like, well, what makes you the expert? It's a joke.

00:03:24.180 We realize everything is subject to interpretation. So take what you like,

00:03:28.500 leave what you don't. Let's get into it. All right. So we are jumping into questions that we

00:03:34.920 have fielded from our Facebook group to join us on that Facebook group. You can go to facebook.com

00:03:41.780 slash group slash order of man. So our first question, uh, by Johnny Irby, what are your thoughts

00:03:48.660 on red flag laws? And I'm assuming I'm not the only one that has no idea what a red flag law is. So

00:03:55.720 assuming that you do, Ryan, maybe you explain that first. I don't know what that is. I have no idea.

00:04:00.820 Red flag. Let me look that up. It's probably something stupid. Like we should know.

00:04:05.560 So I'm sure it's something with, uh, with maybe a firearm or something. Let me look it up here.

00:04:12.340 Yeah. Uh, okay. So a red flag law is a gun violence prevention law that permits police

00:04:19.480 or family members to petition a state court to order the temporary removal of firearms

00:04:25.260 from a person who may present a danger to others or themselves. Okay. I am a little familiar with this.

00:04:33.300 Um, I'm, I'm not well versed in it. So what I say, take with a grain of salt. Um, I, I see it as being

00:04:42.240 something that may have some validity to it because for example, if, uh, if the police are called

00:04:48.820 because there's some suspicious activity on a young student, for example, which we've seen this in the

00:04:54.500 past or somebody who has a history of mental illness that hasn't maybe been diagnosed or they

00:05:01.920 haven't done anything criminal to, uh, to forfeit their right to a firearm, for example, then this

00:05:07.560 would be a law enacted that would allow, uh, police officers or family members, according to the great

00:05:14.720 and powerful Wikipedia to take away, uh, firearms. I, again, I think there may be some, some value to

00:05:23.340 this, but, but it is a very, very slippery slope because you start basing who can have guns and who

00:05:34.760 can't on subjective analysis. And that's a problem because who's to say what mental illness is, who's

00:05:43.520 to stay, say what instability is, who's to say that somebody, uh, might actually do something yet.

00:05:50.200 They haven't done anything. So I'm not going to give you a definitive answer on that because there's

00:05:55.800 so much, so much nuance to this, but I, I think it's a very, very slippery slope. Uh, and we ought

00:06:04.760 to be extremely cautious implementing any sort of regulation or law that allows a governing body or

00:06:13.080 another individual to secure somebody's firearms. It's, it's not a good direction to go to. I think

00:06:19.480 there's better, better ways to address this. So that that's my answer in a roundabout way. It's

00:06:24.680 not a great answer, but that's where I'm at with the thing. Can't give you a definitive yes or no on

00:06:28.860 it. There you go. I'm staying away from that one. Why? So, uh, just because I, I think I don't know

00:06:36.200 enough and I think it's all in the process of due diligence, right? I mean, it's the devil's in the

00:06:41.380 detail. That could be an amazing, great thing. If the due diligence process is accurate and doesn't

00:06:47.900 have its flaws. Well, and it would, but that's the problem. It will, because these types of things

00:06:53.960 have a way of being, being abused and corrupt individuals and, and governments use these laws

00:07:01.760 in a way that's not appropriate or in line with the way that it was intended. People start to society.

00:07:07.680 That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And they, it's, again, it's, it's too loose. It's just too loose

00:07:12.560 to, uh, to be favorable in my opinion anyways. Yeah. But I'd like the, I like the thought process

00:07:19.840 around it versus just a generalization. Yeah. No, for sure. Because what I, yeah, I think,

00:07:27.580 I think a lot of, uh, and again, I don't have the details with this, so I'm, I'm, I'm not speaking out

00:07:33.280 of having the, the accurate information in front of me, but I think a lot of these, uh, school shootings,

00:07:38.600 for example, uh, or, or just gun violence in general, mass gun violence, uh, happened from

00:07:44.000 individuals or perpetuated by individuals who have been, uh, had some, some issues with,

00:07:49.560 with authority or the police in the past, and they've been called, or they've shown signs of

00:07:54.220 mental instability or illness. And yet, because they haven't done anything that, you know,

00:07:59.860 police officers hands are tied. So I think, I think we're talking about the right thing here.

00:08:04.420 It's just about how do we, how do we address it correctly? It's a tough one.

00:08:08.600 Yeah. Yeah. Next question. Daniel McLaughlin, advice on helping kids process death of a loved

00:08:15.780 one, young teenagers. Well, I think we do injustice to our kids when we try to dance around issues,

00:08:22.420 even at a young age, whether it's the birds and the bees, whether it's what happens when we die,

00:08:26.680 politics, money, all of the issues that parents just don't want to talk about because it's awkward

00:08:30.920 and uncomfortable. But if you have a teenager who, uh, isn't really intimately familiar with this

00:08:36.740 because they haven't had a loved one pass away, it's, I know it's hard, but very simply just have

00:08:43.880 the conversation, you know, talk about death. It's a natural process. It's inevitable. We're

00:08:49.200 all going to experience it. Uh, hopefully you have some sort of, uh, belief about the afterlife that

00:08:55.120 you can fall upon and that you have some foundational understanding or shared, shared perspective on

00:09:00.440 that you can default to. Um, I think having those conversations is a valuable. And I also think

00:09:05.940 just being there outside of the conversation, just, just being, being there as a father, right?

00:09:11.680 Just going on a camp out. Maybe you don't talk about the loved one that just passed away. You just go

00:09:16.200 on a camp out and you talk about girls and jobs and sports and whatever else it is you talk about.

00:09:22.400 And you just be there. I don't think there's some conversation that needs to be had and it needs

00:09:27.900 to be in this format and this structure. You just, you be there and you fall upon what your

00:09:32.740 spiritual beliefs are. You talk about that. You, um, have difficult conversations about other things

00:09:39.500 before they need to come up so that when they, when they do, you're prepared for them, but yeah,

00:09:44.040 just, just have the conversations and, and just be there. I mean, just keep having them. We're,

00:09:48.260 you know, we're dealing with something I'm not going to say similar as a loss of a loved one,

00:09:51.580 but my kids are really struggling right now with the move. You know, they've been excited

00:09:55.940 and they still are excited, but as it gets closer, they're concerned and they're worried

00:10:00.320 and they're leaving their friends and they play their last baseball games. And my oldest son is

00:10:04.680 graduating from fifth grade today. So that's going to be emotional. I'm sure for him, as he thinks

00:10:09.120 about leaving, we, we just have the conversations. What are you scared about? What are you worried

00:10:14.100 about? What are you nervous about? What are you excited about? And we do this through sitting

00:10:19.040 down every morning and doing it or going out and throwing baseball and talking about it? Then

00:10:23.720 like, just, just talk, just talk. That's it. That's my answer. Just talk.

00:10:29.420 Yeah. I just can't help, but go back to the, just the power of having a theology or religion

00:10:36.200 as part of your life. This, I think personally, this conversation or the answer to this question

00:10:43.100 becomes really, really difficult when you don't have that. Oh, no doubt. Because I mean,

00:10:48.940 that's a hard thing to think about. That's the last time you'll see grandma or, or your friend or a

00:10:54.640 parent or a loved one of some sort. That's, that's a tough thing to have and to talk about if that's

00:10:59.400 what you believe, or if you don't have any other foundational knowledge upon which to, uh, which to

00:11:05.020 draw on. Yeah, totally. Um, one thing that came to mind, I had a good friend, um, a friend of ours,

00:11:11.460 his, his wife passed away on Christmas Eve, this past Christmas Eve. And they have, uh, little girls

00:11:20.520 together and the girls were with her. Um, when she passed away. Yeah. Super tough scenario. And,

00:11:29.160 um, you know, and the Daniel's question, uh, death of a loved one, this drastically changes,

00:11:35.300 right? We get this, right? If it's a loved one is mom, this is much more difficult than a loved one

00:11:41.160 is grandma or, you know what I mean? Or a friend, right? So this could be very, very drastic. But,

00:11:46.260 um, shortly after her death, I was listening to Jocko's podcast and, um, I have it, I have it here

00:11:54.420 in a message, um, that I sent him, but on Jocko's, uh, episode one 57, he talks about dealing with death.

00:12:03.760 Um, and I think it's at like a, the, uh, around the hour mark and it was just spot on. It was really,

00:12:10.620 really, really powerful way, um, of, of dealing with the death of a loved one, probably more for

00:12:17.500 an adult than, than really a young teenager. But for those that are, I don't know, dealing with the,

00:12:23.820 the death of a loved one, that, that might be a great, um, resource to, to check into.

00:12:29.740 Yeah. Yeah. No, it's good that we have those resources like that. And he's, he's good with

00:12:33.620 that stuff. One thing I did think about as, as you were talking about that, I actually had somebody

00:12:38.240 reach out on Instagram. And I think if I remember correctly, this was last week that he had a friend

00:12:43.900 that passed away and he felt like he was in a mental haze and fog and cloud and couldn't pull

00:12:48.700 himself out and was really focused on this, which I get, and I understand. And I think that grieving

00:12:54.080 process is good. I think it's natural. You should go through that. But he asked me what he should do

00:12:59.460 to get out of that funk. And I said, imagine you were having a conversation with your friend

00:13:04.440 about something else or about this situation or about another friend that maybe passed away.

00:13:10.600 What kind of life would he want you to lead? Yeah. Right. Would he want you, would your friend

00:13:16.300 want you to sit around and to, to malk and to be upset again, the grieving process is natural,

00:13:22.440 but to have this last far longer than it ought to, or would he want you to go on and live,

00:13:28.860 to remember the good times, to draw upon the lessons and the teachings that you guys had together,

00:13:35.360 and then to go out and make yourself into something that, that, that he would be excited

00:13:40.640 about for you. That's something I think about quite often too, is like, how would my grandparents

00:13:46.000 want me to live? How would my, you know, if my, my parents were gone, like my father, I mean,

00:13:50.420 he died a couple of years ago. How does he want me to live? Well, I know, I know how he wants me to

00:13:54.580 live. And I try to live into that as best I can. Yeah. Honor them right through the way we live.

00:14:00.100 I like that. You said through the way we live, because I think honor is something that's

00:14:04.540 interesting. You know, a lot of people say, Oh, I honor that individual. And they live their lives

00:14:07.720 that, that out of integrity with that honor. So honor is not just about your thoughts about that

00:14:12.600 individual, but are your actions in line with your beliefs and your words? Yeah. Brian Hill,

00:14:19.980 my wife is wanting to have children soon. How did either of you prepare yourselves for fatherhood

00:14:25.160 and caring for a child? Good luck. Like, man, you know what? It's, it's, it's just such a

00:14:34.520 rollercoaster. You know, you're, you're never going to be perfectly ready for it, which is okay.

00:14:38.600 You don't need to be perfectly ready. You need to be mentally and emotionally and financially

00:14:43.080 mature enough. Sure. But, but you're never going to be ready for it completely. I would say talk

00:14:49.500 with friends that you have talk with your parents or friends that have kids, young kids, what they're

00:14:54.680 experiencing, what they're dealing with, what they've learned. Get ready for maybe a little bit

00:15:00.240 of postpartum on your wife's part and understand that she's going to be dealing with some hormonal

00:15:04.540 issues. And that's just part of the deal. All right. You're not getting out of that. So be

00:15:10.460 patient with her, be understanding support where you can. My wife breastfed our kids, which meant

00:15:17.900 that, you know, she was up at night. It wasn't me. She was the one who had to be up at night with the

00:15:21.940 kids. And that meant that I needed to take over a little bit more in the morning or in the evenings

00:15:25.720 and help out where I could. So there's some restrictions based on biology, of course, with regards to

00:15:32.460 what we can do, but you can support in other ways, keeping the house clean, um, try, you know,

00:15:38.660 trying to give her her space or time she needs or let her get naps in because of those hormonal

00:15:43.040 changes. But I think that's really important. I'd also say one other thing that gets overlooked quite

00:15:47.440 a bit is make sure you still take care of yourself because you're going to invest a lot of time into

00:15:52.020 your wife. You're going to invest a lot of time into your kid. And that's wonderful. That's great.

00:15:55.840 You should be doing that stuff. If you're not, there's something wrong with you, but don't neglect

00:16:00.460 your workouts. Don't start eating like shit and put on the baby weight that guys have a tendency

00:16:06.640 of doing. Don't neglect your friends. Don't neglect your hobbies. Just change your schedule around a

00:16:12.540 little bit, you know, tighten that thing up. The very first thing we talked about is time

00:16:15.620 management. Understand that you've got this new little liability, right? And that's what it is.

00:16:19.840 It's a little consumer and it's a wonderful consumer. I'm not saying that's, but that's what it is.

00:16:24.300 Consumes time, attention, energy, et cetera. And you're going to have to plan out your schedule in order

00:16:28.980 to keep yourself as a priority. And you are, you don't want to burn yourself out. And I know a lot

00:16:33.280 of young fathers who do because they invest so much time into their wives and their children that

00:16:39.680 they, they eventually go burn out. The only thing that I would add is, is to be intentional. I think

00:16:45.300 sometimes, and there's obviously an extreme to this, but I think sometimes, um, I don't know. I don't,

00:16:51.660 I don't think a lot of guys are being intentional enough and taking fatherhood serious. So just be

00:16:56.180 intentional, identify what it looks like to be a good father, figure out what you need to do.

00:17:01.420 You personally, what kind of man you need to be to be a good father and a, and a good supporting

00:17:06.020 husband and be intentional with it. I don't know if you can prepare other than prepare for

00:17:10.900 being, uh, prepare yourself and, and to just take it serious. So, um, you'll figure it out. Don't worry.

00:17:19.380 I wouldn't worry about that. I mean, you'll figure it out, but it's, it's not easy and it's tough.

00:17:23.480 And, and you can spend tons of time quote unquote preparing. And then once you have your child,

00:17:27.500 you'll be like, Oh wait, I didn't see that. So just, just be, be willing to pivot and, um,

00:17:33.680 be intentional with your time. Yep. Well said, well said. All right. Calvin's, uh, Slauson

00:17:41.160 out of working hard and getting through the tough moments with daily tasks and long-term goals.

00:17:47.540 When is it the right time to take a breather and rest before getting back into the grind?

00:17:54.460 Not as early as you think.

00:17:58.060 I was, I was contemplating whether you'd say you never rest. You never get out of the grind.

00:18:03.820 That's ridiculous. You know, I, those, the, all those guys who say that sound really cool

00:18:08.300 on Instagram or their little memes they put together, but look, I mean, there's a time to

00:18:12.200 rest, right? Yeah. There's a time to recover. In fact, it's been proven that physically,

00:18:17.160 mentally, emotionally, than men that don't rest and recover are less effective when they are

00:18:22.980 working and getting after it. So to say that you never should is, is ridiculous, but we are capable

00:18:28.520 of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We cop out way too early. I was at the gym this

00:18:35.100 morning working out and I felt pretty good going into the gym. And then we got doing our workout

00:18:38.920 and my little mind was playing tricks on me like, Oh, this is hard. You need a break. Take it easy.

00:18:44.120 You're going to hurt yourself. All kinds of little mental mind tricks to try to get me to stop

00:18:49.380 lifting. And I'll admit it maybe got to me and my performance dwindled because of it. But your mind

00:18:55.420 is a very powerful thing for both good and bad. So be very, very careful of saying, Oh, I need to

00:19:01.160 rest. I'm tired. You, maybe you do, but maybe it's just, your mind is being a little biatch and you

00:19:06.420 needed to get over it a little bit and, and, and work harder. And then you can rest when the job is

00:19:13.000 done. I guess that's what I'd say is like, is the job complete? No. Okay. We'll keep going.

00:19:18.760 But if the job's done and the task is, is you're able to check that task off, then okay, maybe it's

00:19:23.860 time to, to recover for a minute, but not in the moment, not in the moment.

00:19:27.400 I wonder if there's a distinction that we can make around, um, you know, when do you know that it's,

00:19:33.700 it's planned? Is it planned rest versus in the moment of in the grind and then kind of,

00:19:41.300 you know what I'm saying? Well, I think the answer is very on yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I think

00:19:46.260 the answer is this Kip. I think, you know, it's time to rest when not resting is hindering performance.

00:19:54.600 Right. So think about that for a second. If your body is beat up to the point where you're

00:20:00.560 hindering performance, you're either, you're getting hurt or injured, then you need to rest.

00:20:06.760 But if you're not to that point and performance is still going and you're still going strong and

00:20:12.020 you're being effective and you're being productive, then it's not time to rest yet.

00:20:15.800 It's all about the ultimate outcome. If you resting moves you closer to the objective, then,

00:20:21.820 then rest. If resting and taking it easy, doesn't move you closer to the objective, then don't rest.

00:20:27.920 Rest, keep going, head down. Sometimes we just got to get through stuff too, right? The workout this

00:20:33.880 morning. I can get through the next 20 minutes. I don't need to rest right now. I can get through

00:20:39.120 20 minutes and then I can rest afterwards. And what I find more often than not is when I get done,

00:20:44.200 I actually don't need rest because I'm done. And I'm like, Oh, maybe I just didn't need rest.

00:20:49.900 Maybe my body was just saying that to take it easy when I shouldn't have been taking it easy.

00:20:54.040 Yeah. And I shouldn't have to say this, but resting isn't taking a break from the workout

00:20:59.140 to rest your body. And then meanwhile, you're going to sit on the couch and pound some donuts

00:21:03.420 and chips, right? Like that's not resting, right? Resting is maybe going for the walk instead of

00:21:09.220 the heavier workout or the longer distance run, but it's still maintaining your diet, right? So let's

00:21:13.860 be really clear. This isn't full out, throw your hands up and give up on everything for a number of

00:21:19.420 days or a week. That's not called rest, right? That's called giving up. And I don't know. I try

00:21:26.480 not to swear on the podcast. So no, I agree. I think that's the same concept as like cheat days.

00:21:31.700 It's like, why would you give yourself a cheat day? You don't need a cheat day. I just keep eating

00:21:36.460 right. You know, I never understood that concept, but I do like what you're saying about go take a

00:21:41.580 walk, you know, instead of lifting heavy, do some, do some pushups or some jumping jacks or some

00:21:46.600 burpees or whatever, you know, if you're sitting, sitting around at night and you've got some time

00:21:50.800 and you're watching a show, um, I've got these, uh, center mass bells from Sorenx and they're kind

00:21:56.640 of light, but I'll just do shoulder presses and I'll do, um, Oh, what do they call them? Like,

00:22:01.920 like sit, sit up, twist, like a hold it. And like, I'll do a twist and sit up. Um, I just do stuff

00:22:06.440 like that with the center mass bell. So it's like, it's body movement stuff. Uh, it feels, it feels

00:22:11.360 actually pretty good because my body keeps limber and keeps moving, but I'm not just sitting there

00:22:15.840 stuff in my face with Cheetos and ice cream. Although that sounds really good.

00:22:22.320 Active recovery, Calvin. That's right. That's right. All right. What else?

00:22:26.400 Chris Mills, how to become more comfortable in your skin as someone who is experiencing success.

00:22:32.100 I have a hard time becoming confident instead of being, instead of it being out of ego.

00:22:38.160 That's because you're not doing what you know you're capable of doing.

00:22:41.120 Because if you were doing what you knew you were capable of doing, you'd feel confident in the fact

00:22:47.660 that you're willing to push yourself further than you've ever have gone before. So what,

00:22:52.500 what you might be doing is you're talking about success. What you might be doing is comparing your

00:22:58.600 success to other people and hindering your performance because you're successful relative

00:23:05.600 to what somebody else is. Stop doing that. Don't compare yourself to other people high or low.

00:23:11.800 Don't compare yourself to other people. Cause if you're on the high side, you're going to hinder

00:23:15.600 growth. You're going to stunt growth. What you should be doing is comparing yourself to who you're

00:23:21.500 capable of becoming. So if there's any guy who's listening to this, that says, I have confidence

00:23:26.480 issues. That's an action issue. That's a courage issue. You're not moving into new territory and

00:23:33.600 expanding your capacity. And you know, it deep down inside, you know, it, which is why when you

00:23:41.300 look at somebody who's successful, you can't quite look them in the eye or shake their hand properly

00:23:45.700 because you know, you're not living to the level that you're capable of. So my question back is,

00:23:52.180 what are you going to do about it? You don't, you don't get to just have confidence because you want

00:23:58.220 it really, really bad. What are you going to do about it today? Right now, something you've never

00:24:05.220 done before. And then you can return and report and tell us how much better you feel about yourself.

00:24:12.140 Yeah. I would, would you add, or do you agree with this concept, Ryan, that, that in that process

00:24:18.900 of getting after it, right. And you doing, doing what, you know, you should be doing it and doing it in a

00:24:24.400 way that it is meant to be done, that you also own the fact that you're in the process, right? That,

00:24:31.020 that you're figuring it out and, and kind of, and I'm trying to stay away from the word authentic,

00:24:35.960 but you know what I mean? Being real with yourself and where you're at in the process and, and where

00:24:40.920 you're going, even if you haven't reached success yet. Yeah. I'll give you a small story. So either

00:24:46.680 last week or the week before, uh, it was last week we were finishing up my eight year olds, uh,

00:24:52.120 baseball season. And the pitcher on our team got hit right in the nose. My, actually my son threw

00:24:59.400 it to him and he missed the catch and it hit him right in the nose, man. And if you've been hitting

00:25:04.640 the nose, you know how horrible that feels, right? It's, it's horrible. If you've been punched or

00:25:10.220 hitting the nose with something, you know, I mean, it looked painful. So he put his hands on his face

00:25:17.700 and started crying. And I went out there and, and he looked at me and he had tears just welled up in

00:25:24.660 his eyes, dripping down his cheeks, blood coming from his nose. And I said, are you all right,

00:25:30.500 buddy? He's like, yeah, he's like choking down tears, you know? And, and I asked him, I said,

00:25:35.320 what do you want to do? Like, what do you want to do? And he's like, I want to keep playing. And I'm

00:25:41.140 like, yes, good answer. All right, man, let's take a minute or two. Let's pick ourselves up here a

00:25:46.980 little bit, figure some things out, get back in the game. He's like, okay. So we got the last out

00:25:52.740 or the last bat or whatever it was. And then, then he came up to bat and I was so, I was so worried

00:25:59.580 about him being at bat. Cause I knew he would be scared. He'd be timid. And I just, I didn't want

00:26:05.020 him to strike out. I really wanted him to hit the ball. And unfortunately he struck out. And I

00:26:12.340 remember on that last strike, that last strike, I looked at him and he walked back, but his head

00:26:18.980 was held high and he was so proud of himself. He was proud because he kept himself in the fight.

00:26:27.880 Like he didn't achieve ultimately what he wanted to achieve. I know he wanted to hit that ball. He was

00:26:31.900 swinging the bat harder than he had all season. He wanted to destroy that ball, which I love that

00:26:36.440 mentality because he wanted to redeem himself. Unfortunately, he didn't get to, and that's life.

00:26:42.980 Like it doesn't always work out because you want it to. Sometimes you're going to swing and you're

00:26:48.880 going to miss, even though you've put in all the effort and, and done everything you possibly could,

00:26:54.200 you're going to miss, you're going to fail, you're going to fall. But this kid taught me a valuable

00:27:00.240 lesson because he realized that although he didn't complete the objective, hit the ball,

00:27:06.500 he kept himself in the fight. And he was very, very proud of that. And he should be proud of that

00:27:12.640 because it would have been easy for him to say, I want to go sit the bench or his parents to go

00:27:16.400 tell him to sit down. And nobody would have thought anything else about it, but he didn't. He kept

00:27:20.540 himself in the fight. So to your point, Kip, that when a man steps into the fight, into the battle,

00:27:27.320 into the fear and the unknown and the uncertainty, even if he strikes out, you're going to feel

00:27:33.360 better because you had the balls to get yourself in the game where most people aren't even willing

00:27:41.300 to go that far. So the answer is yes. The process is going to make you stronger, more capable,

00:27:48.040 better, regardless of the outcome. The outcome will take care of itself at some point, go through

00:27:53.400 the process. You will feel better about yourself and more confident in who you are.

00:28:00.280 Ben Nilsson, guidance on helping your wife through a loss, a miscarriage. I've been through it,

00:28:06.760 but if either of you have might, uh, I have been through it, but if either of you have might be

00:28:13.320 helpful for others to know. I'm not going to speak on this because I haven't been through it. And I don't

00:28:19.500 think that me telling you what, what it's like or, or what you could experience. I don't think that's

00:28:27.740 appropriate for me to say. I've had friends who have, who have had stillborns, uh, who have had

00:28:33.780 miscarriages. Uh, and it's a horrible, horrible thing in hearing what they've gone through.

00:28:39.840 The only thing I would say is a couple of things, be supportive of your wife. I think probably

00:28:47.460 naturally during a miscarriage, something like that, that, that a woman is probably going to

00:28:52.520 have a harder time than a man, just hormonally, hormonally, uh, physiologically. And then not to

00:28:58.860 mention she was carrying a baby around for anywhere from, you know, two to two to nine months. So

00:29:04.160 she has that physical connection as well. I would also say that having a licensed therapist to talk

00:29:12.140 with would also be very, very valuable based on what I've seen some friends go through.

00:29:17.760 I can't help, but reference the question earlier about a loss, right? Teenage loss and the, and the

00:29:23.300 power of theology and religion, right? As, as part of this process, I'm sure that that helps tremendously.

00:29:30.040 Um, so Asia, she, she had a miscarried, a miscarriage. Um, it was a couple of years ago. In fact,

00:29:38.060 we were just talking about it last week that that baby would be two years old. I think, um,

00:29:47.540 just last week we were talking about it, that he would be two. And, um, it was super tough. Uh,

00:29:53.600 first time that's ever happened to, I've ever been involved right in that process. First time that's

00:29:59.180 ever happened to her. And, uh, she struggled. It was, it was a really, really tough scenario.

00:30:04.300 The, the only thing that I feel during our conversations that was the idea that this,

00:30:10.940 this is a natural process. This was her body dealing with the circumstances or the unique

00:30:19.140 scenario of her pregnancy, right? Her body miscarried. Are you saying that you feel like

00:30:27.180 it wasn't meant to be? Well, not only, well, let's be, let's be, let's be very specific,

00:30:33.100 right? A pregnancy loss or a miscarriage is, is a result of like chromosomes being at like,

00:30:42.120 there's problems with the chromosomes that would prevent the fetus from developing normally.

00:30:46.300 So, so that's, that is a woman's body that her body is actually doing the correct thing. Her body

00:30:51.680 is miscarrying for a reason. Sure. Yeah. And so it's a very natural thing and her body's working as,

00:30:59.000 as intended. There's something wrong with chromosomes, right? Where the fetus is not

00:31:03.820 able to develop normally and thus she has a miscarriage. And so I tried to remove that

00:31:09.660 meaning a little bit, right? It's not right. It's not wrong. It's, it's her body doing what her body's

00:31:14.280 supposed to do, right? It's, it's by the design, right? And, and not to take away from the,

00:31:19.880 the hurt or the pain or the relationship. That's still, that's still something, but there's,

00:31:25.380 there's also something beautiful about her body dealing with that pregnancy and the issues with

00:31:32.320 those chromosomes. If that makes sense. It makes sense. How did, does she have the same view as that?

00:31:39.660 Yeah. Yeah. She like, when I, when I thought about it, right. And we, we had this conversation,

00:31:44.260 she was like, Oh yeah, you know what? That, that makes sense. Like this is her body doing what it's

00:31:49.280 intended to do. Now, does she feel that that was, that was still a family member, right? That,

00:31:56.960 that we quasi lost for sure. In fact, my, my eight year old daughter talks about, we assume it was a

00:32:03.280 boy. And so she talks about, she calls him angel baby, you know, and that's what we talked about

00:32:09.340 just last week. Cause she was like, Oh, how old is angel baby? How old would angel baby be?

00:32:13.560 Interesting. Now, now I don't want to get into scenario. I mean, this is our religious take on

00:32:20.460 it. Asia kind of feels like it's a different baby. I actually think that my youngest son that we just

00:32:27.080 had six months ago, I think that's the, I think that's the same spirit. Really? I do. Why do you

00:32:34.120 think that? Um, just because from a religious perspective, I think that, uh, you know, things

00:32:40.960 didn't work out and he didn't get a chance to come. And, uh, so he came the second time.

00:32:48.400 That's interesting. Yeah. That's an interesting take. Yeah. That's a hard one. I know that's a

00:32:52.700 hard one. It's, um, lots to, lots to consider, lots to consider there. Yeah. But anyhow, hopefully

00:32:59.860 that helps a little bit for some guys. Yeah. Thanks for sharing. All right. Jeremy Baker onto more

00:33:05.760 important things such as paying off debt. I'm just joking. Uh, seems wrong to follow up that

00:33:11.540 question with something as, uh, my new of money, but when paying off debt, is it best to put

00:33:17.700 everything you have available towards that debt or split between savings and debt somehow? For example,

00:33:23.700 if you owe 1000 leftover after all expenses, would you put all that 1000 towards your debt or split

00:33:30.060 at 60, 40 debt slash savings? So yeah, there's, there's a lot of nuances here. So I was a financial

00:33:36.260 advisor by trade for the past 10 years, uh, up until I started order of man. And I would say a

00:33:42.380 couple of considerations here. Number one, you want to have an emergency fund. So if you don't have any

00:33:46.820 money set aside for a broken bone or getting laid off or any number of things, you know, the engine

00:33:53.440 in the car blows up any number of things that come up, then you probably ought to deal with that.

00:33:57.600 Having that emergency fund in place is crucial. So make sure you build that up. Let's assume that

00:34:05.040 you have an emergency fund built up. Now, do you apply all of your discretionary income towards that

00:34:11.640 debt or do you apply it towards savings or a mix of both? Well, it depends on what kind of debt.

00:34:16.380 For example, if we're talking about applying it to a house, the problem with applying it to a house

00:34:23.080 is that it's not an open line of credit. So paying off a house sooner, for example,

00:34:28.280 or making extra payments to the house, to a closed line of credit, like a mortgage or a car payment

00:34:33.520 isn't going to affect your, your, your payment itself versus something like a credit card debt,

00:34:41.860 where as you pay down that debt, the payment will actually go down. So we hear this phrase called

00:34:47.740 cash is King cash flow is King. It's all about the cash flow when you're budgeting and working this

00:34:54.440 out. So I am under the belief, the school of thought that you should pay it all towards debt,

00:35:02.060 considering and assuming that you have an adequate emergency fund set aside, because if you put it

00:35:08.280 into the market, you could get three, five, seven, maybe even 10% in the market, but it's a variable

00:35:16.400 rate. And you don't know, you could also lose three, five, 10, 20, 30% versus paying off a credit

00:35:23.600 card debt that has 19% interest. Well, that's a guaranteed rate of return on that. So it makes

00:35:29.660 significantly more sense to pay off that, that credit card. And I use Dave Ramsey's idea or concept,

00:35:36.800 which is the debt snowball. So you're going to pay the debt off with the least balance, the lowest

00:35:41.380 balance. And then once that's freed up, you're going to take your discretionary income. Let's say it's

00:35:45.480 500 bucks a month, just for an example. And you're going to add that to the credit card payment that

00:35:50.040 you just made and paid off, which is, let's say it's a hundred dollars a month. So now you're going

00:35:52.880 to take $600 and then you're going to apply it to the car payment. So instead of making a $300 car

00:35:58.780 payment, you're now making a $900 car payment until that one's paid off. And then you move on

00:36:02.860 to the next highest debt and so on and so forth. I think you get the idea, but that is, that's how you

00:36:10.340 take care of the debt. Caleb Krasha. Say that over again. Well, what did I say?

00:36:19.180 I heard you say Caleb Krasha. Oh, okay. All right. So next question, Caleb Krasha.

00:36:25.360 Ryan Mickler, when you move to Maine, are you going to replace Kip Sorensen with a moose

00:36:29.980 for the Ask Me Anything episode? I can't answer that in front of Kip. So I'll have to answer that

00:36:36.960 somewhere else. Friday field notes. Yeah, that's right. Kip's gone. He's out.

00:36:41.760 Yeah. I'm, I'm comparable to a moose. Thanks, Caleb. Apparently, apparently.

00:36:46.560 Jerk. All right. Jerk. Vince Bennett's pros and cons of separation of church and state.

00:36:55.320 Well, I think there's, there's so much to that, man, we can go down so many different rabbit holes

00:37:01.740 on this one. Uh, separation of church and state. Well, it's a good idea to keep them separated

00:37:06.600 because not everybody believes in the same religion or has the same spiritual thoughts

00:37:10.840 and ideas. So keeping those distinct is, is important. It's, it's, it's good. I think,

00:37:16.780 uh, as far as keeping not, not separating them, I think our founders were spiritual. I believe that

00:37:23.620 this country was founded on Christian principles. I believe that we, we believed in a higher power,

00:37:29.860 uh, and that higher power guides and directs and influences every single decision and interaction

00:37:35.520 that we make. So to say that, that, that shouldn't be an influence, I think would be,

00:37:41.120 would be inconsistent with the founding of this country. Uh, I'm going to leave that one for you

00:37:46.580 guys to decide as far as that goes, but ultimately I think there should be a distinction between church

00:37:52.940 and state. We don't need the state being run by religious organizations, uh, but we don't need to

00:37:57.860 be so far, you know, skewed in the direction of, of keeping them separate that, that it can't be

00:38:04.440 influenced by, uh, and that we can't take those things into consideration or, or use faith-based

00:38:10.780 principles to make decisions or look down upon maybe a political candidate who shares their,

00:38:17.460 their, uh, religious beliefs and philosophies. I don't know. That's a, that's a tough one to answer,

00:38:22.180 but that's, that's a few thoughts that I have. When I think a lot of the issue too is, is the

00:38:28.300 original purpose around the separation of church and state. People just hear separation of church

00:38:34.440 and state, and then they draw their own conclusion of what that was intended for. Right? So I think

00:38:41.760 there's value in understanding its origins and, and its purpose. And, and through that process,

00:38:48.280 we'll come to the realization that, oh, influences from church on social, uh, on society. Right. And

00:38:55.940 from a state and federal government perspective, isn't what this was intended for as much as it

00:39:01.280 was around control. Right. So maybe, maybe even just doing a little bit of our history and

00:39:07.740 understanding its original intentions could be highly beneficial to a lot of people.

00:39:12.360 Yeah. That makes sense to me. Yeah. I think you, you, you certainly should take those things

00:39:16.360 into consideration, but, uh, but yeah, that's, that's a tough one. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Next

00:39:21.940 question. Ryan Wade, any guidance or advice with a poor relationship between my wife and mother?

00:39:28.280 I grew up with just my mother and my brother joined the Navy and have been away and got married before my

00:39:34.180 wife, my mother, and my relationship was shaky. Any help on how to start making it better?

00:39:39.980 I think you need to have some serious conversations with your wife about what boundaries you guys are going

00:39:44.800 to establish between you and your family and your in-laws that, that, that is a big problem with

00:39:51.320 a lot of guys is there is no boundary and there's no discussion around what is appropriate and what

00:39:56.940 is not. And this even, uh, the, the problem is exacerbated when you get kids in the picture and

00:40:01.920 grandparents think it's their responsibility to raise their kids. It's not, it's you and your wife's

00:40:06.180 responsibility. But if you and your wife aren't on the same page or you haven't had discussions about

00:40:11.620 what is appropriate behavior and what is an appropriate relationship of grandparents, then

00:40:17.100 it's very easy for you guys not to be on the same page and for you to both get played by

00:40:22.380 your in-laws. And that might be what's happening here is you're getting played, uh, because you

00:40:28.420 haven't got on the same page. So as the leader of the home and, and the husband and potentially

00:40:34.500 father, it's your responsibility to ensure that these conversations happen, that they're meaningful,

00:40:40.700 that they're carried out, that they're followed through and that they're upheld, but you need

00:40:45.420 to enlist her in this conversation and in this fight that you think you're having. Otherwise you're

00:40:50.680 going to end up pitting yourself against her and her parents, which is a losing fight.

00:40:57.200 So Ryan, what I'm hearing is you and your wife need to make sure that you guys are on the same page

00:41:01.580 that you had that proper communication and what those relationships look like with, you know,

00:41:06.780 your mom, but also any other relationship for that matter within the family.

00:41:10.700 Yeah. That's, that's your job is as a leader of the homes. Like you need to have those

00:41:14.840 conversations. You need to be having those discussions.

00:41:17.900 Now, if, if you don't mind me adding to that on top of what Ryan just said,

00:41:25.100 if you are looking just to improve your relationship with your mom and let's just stay in that area,

00:41:32.220 you need to, and I just, and I, there's all these, I'm so hesitant to say what, what is on my mind

00:41:39.760 because there's all these exceptions to this rule. And you know, if the mom's, you know, is, is generating

00:41:45.960 a really negative environment and it's affecting your family. So take this for it with a grain of salt.

00:41:50.640 But for me personally, if I have a shaky relationship with, let's say with my mother or another family

00:41:57.880 member by me choosing to love her the way she is removing the expectations that she needs to be a

00:42:09.700 particular way, like accept her the way she is. Now you don't have to agree with her. You don't have

00:42:15.420 to say that that's highly effective and she's perfect. No, no, no. But, but remove the

00:42:20.500 expectation, the uncommunicated expectations and just accept her for the way she is and stop making

00:42:26.800 her wrong. I don't agree with that actually. Oh man, I'm, I'm so right. Right. Because of

00:42:32.660 you're talking about if no, I think there's a lot of situations where an in-law could absolutely be

00:42:38.380 wrong. And it's your job as the leader of your family to ensure that they are being influenced by the

00:42:43.560 right things. So I agree. And, but we've talked about this before. So let me, let me, let me clarify.

00:42:50.700 You don't have to agree with her, but you have to stop removing the judgment, like realize that

00:42:58.740 she is the way she is because of the way she is period. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, and I, this is,

00:43:03.600 this gets into that judgment argument, which I don't, I don't really like anyways, because your job

00:43:07.680 is to judge what's going to be best for your family. So if you have, regardless of why an

00:43:14.040 individual is a certain way, that doesn't really matter. Cause at the end of the day, if you're not

00:43:19.040 protecting your family in a way that you feel is adequate and correct, then that's on you. That's,

00:43:25.140 that's not on anybody else. So if you have a, a, a person in your life, whether it's a, a neighbor

00:43:31.560 or a friend or even a family member who is not raising their, their helping, let me say it this

00:43:40.220 way, not helping you raise your family or influencing your family in a, in a situation or a way that

00:43:46.400 you're not interested in them being influenced, it's your responsibility to remove and eliminate

00:43:53.700 that influence, regardless of why they are the way they are.

00:43:58.540 So if your mom doesn't influence your children exactly the way you do, you remove her?

00:44:05.080 Not exactly. But if it's inconsistent with the way I think my kid, kids should be raised, then

00:44:10.200 absolutely. Yeah. In that context, I, I say, I say, you look at that scenario and you say, Hey,

00:44:18.040 you know, I don't agree with mom's approach in these circumstances, but I'm not going to predicate

00:44:23.500 my love for her based upon whether she does what I think she should do.

00:44:27.760 No, I'm not saying love. I'm not saying love. I'm saying, I'm not going to, if, for example,

00:44:32.740 if my mom and she doesn't, but if, if my mom was not taking care of my children in a manner that I,

00:44:40.120 that's consistent with what I believe, she's not going to be watching my kids anymore.

00:44:44.380 That doesn't mean I don't, that doesn't mean I don't have, I don't love my mom or,

00:44:47.880 you know, care about her. It just means that this is the decision I make for my family as the leader

00:44:52.420 of my family. Yeah. When that's why I said, love your mom exactly the way she is. I didn't say,

00:44:58.680 let your mom do whatever she wants with your kids. Right. You, and I think there's a difference.

00:45:04.820 I think there's a major difference between you loving her regardless of the way she is and not

00:45:10.740 predicating it based upon some expectation, but you also establishing boundaries in regards to what's

00:45:16.780 allowed and not allowed around your family. Yeah. I think we're going to disagree on this one.

00:45:21.500 I mean, I can think of so many situations where you're not obligated to love somebody or accept

00:45:29.160 their behavior or any, like, I don't, I don't see that. Yeah. No. And I'm not saying I, I, I'm not,

00:45:36.000 well, what I'm saying is, is I'm making the assumption that Ryan wants to have a loving

00:45:43.940 relationship with his mom. Oh, I do. But that doesn't mean that it's going to work.

00:45:49.720 Yeah. But, and what I'm saying is, is if you want it to work, stop setting expect unfair expectations

00:45:56.820 in regards to the person that she is. I would say, I would say, I would say this, not unfair,

00:46:02.860 but uncommunicated. Yeah. Fair enough. Because look, everything's fair. It's your life, man.

00:46:10.180 Like if, if somebody's looking at you the wrong way and you don't want them in your life because

00:46:16.180 of that, fine. That's, that's your life. That's, that's maybe a silly example, but the point I'm

00:46:21.640 making is that's your decision. That's your decision, but you have to communicate it. That's

00:46:27.120 where I think people get hung up. Is there like, well, I didn't like that. She kept my kids up till

00:46:32.000 midnight, but then you don't ever say anything about it. All you do is you withhold the kids from her.

00:46:38.660 It's like, well, you got to tell her, man, like you got to have those tough conversations.

00:46:43.740 And if she continues to do it, then she's proven that she's not going to uphold your standard for

00:46:49.400 raising your kids. And that's, that's on her because you've then communicated it. You've done

00:46:53.940 your part that, that I don't, I think we're kind of closer than maybe we think we are, but I think

00:47:02.340 we're off on a little bit on this one. Yeah, man. If you place meaning on something, then it's,

00:47:06.760 then that's significant and that's relevant. And then you just have to communicate that.

00:47:10.640 So people are on the same page. It's like playing a baseball game. You know, you're,

00:47:13.880 you're not going to go play a baseball game or pick another sport without agreeing on the rules,

00:47:19.300 right? Like when, when I go onto the baseball field with another team, we agree upon the rules.

00:47:25.500 We all know what the rules are. And, and then we have a game. And if somebody breaks the rules,

00:47:30.320 there's, there's a, there's a penalty for that. And we both agreed to that beforehand.

00:47:33.960 But if I go onto the baseball field with, with a team that, that plays cricket and we're like,

00:47:39.900 okay, let's play baseball. And they're breaking rules, but I never communicated that we were

00:47:43.860 playing baseball, not cricket. I mean, how well is that going to go? Yeah. The, the difficulty

00:47:49.280 and not to rat hole anymore on this, but the difficulty is when you're mad at the other team's

00:47:55.060 pitcher because he throws the ball funny. Well, yeah, as long as it's, but you know what I'm saying?

00:48:02.200 That might be in within the rules, but that's not how human behavior is. We're getting pissed off at

00:48:06.840 people because the way they, the, the, because of their personality, because of not within the

00:48:13.000 rules and boundaries of actions, but really just because of the way they are. Right. And now we

00:48:18.080 started getting into kind of that gray space. Well, if it's your game, you get to decide the rules.

00:48:24.660 Yeah. That that's the point I'm making is like, we're not, this is not some objective game.

00:48:29.180 This is my game, man. Raising my life is my game. So it's my rules. If you're not going to play

00:48:34.900 within the boundaries of my rules, then you don't get to play in my game. Yeah. Yeah. I see what

00:48:41.820 you're saying. So let's see how we do on this next question because James Walper. I like when we

00:48:47.500 disagree because we have like a real conversation actually. Cause I think like, like I said, 99% of

00:48:53.200 the time we're on the same page. I think we're off on this one. Yeah. Anyways, continue. Yeah.

00:48:58.160 Well, I mean, and I think we could probably go on for a while, so let's do it, man. Let's do it.

00:49:03.000 Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. Keep going. So James Walper, uh, he has a tougher question than that one.

00:49:08.280 So what is the domain of a reciprocal function of X squared minus X plus three question mark?

00:49:16.020 Ask real questions or Google it. All right. Jason Brown. I like, I don't understand. Is

00:49:23.560 like, why do you guys do that? Is it a, is it a funny question or are they like trying to get me?

00:49:29.880 Um, the one I, they're just trying to be, the one I always get is the, uh, the, the,

00:49:34.520 what is the speed of a swallow or something? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I heard that about a thousand

00:49:41.140 times now. It's not funny anymore. It's funnier that guys think it's funny. How about I say that?

00:49:47.980 Yeah. Yeah, totally. All right. Yeah. Sorry, James. I don't know. Maybe it was funny. James

00:49:53.340 is cut off, man. Yeah. Keep going. Jason Brown. Me and my fellow listener was discussed in a

00:49:59.300 situation, a young man who he works with is having, he is dating a girl and overall everything is going

00:50:04.920 good except that she has exclusive male friends. My position is that if a woman has

00:50:11.020 male friends outside of a relationship, then there's something lacking in that relationship

00:50:15.100 itself. Because if a woman loves and respects a man, there is zero reason for other men to be in

00:50:20.640 her life. Being friendly and actual friends are two different aspects. He differs in that woman

00:50:26.240 can have male friends outside the relationship. As long as certain boundaries are not crossed your

00:50:31.240 take on this, your game, your rules. I just said it. Yeah. What, what, like, look, that's not a pro my

00:50:37.580 wife's not going to have male friends that she's hanging out with exclusively or by herself.

00:50:41.840 Those are our rules. You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to like them. You don't have

00:50:46.680 to think they're fair. You can think they're misogynistic. You can think whatever the hell

00:50:50.260 you want to think. It's my game, my rules. And those expectations have been clearly communicated.

00:50:56.520 I think it's a recipe for disaster. I think you're only inviting opportunities to step out on your

00:51:04.800 partner. And I think it's not a healthy relational practice, but if you feel like it is, or in this

00:51:12.180 case, your buddy feels like it is, then be there and support him when his wife finally cheats on him.

00:51:16.780 I think the key that you said, Ryan, and, and you kind of alluded to it in the previous questions

00:51:24.920 is this is something that needs to be talked about. Absolutely. A hundred percent with your

00:51:30.080 buddy and this girlfriend, like what are the boundaries? What's acceptable? What's not acceptable?

00:51:35.520 Because far too often we make all these major assumptions of what's not, and there's tons

00:51:41.080 of gray space. So the only thing I'd add is just the conversation needs to be happen and, and the

00:51:47.760 boundaries need to be clear in regards to what's acceptable. It's not versus you saying nothing and

00:51:53.820 then just getting pissed off at her and she doesn't understand, you know, everything else.

00:51:57.460 Yep. Great point. Really good point. Yeah. That's a, that's a tough one, man. I, I think that,

00:52:02.800 like I said, I'm not going to say it again. You know, it's just, it is what it is, but

00:52:06.260 yeah, it has some risks. I hope your buddy treads lightly. We'll say it like that.

00:52:11.320 Yeah. All right. Eric Johnston, name one supplement, one daily practice and one great book

00:52:18.160 someone new to the group should read. Uh, one supplement. Well, I mean, anything by origin,

00:52:26.120 I like origin supplements. That's what I use. Whether I like their discipline. If I was to pick one,

00:52:30.420 I'd pick their discipline. There's one supplement. That's a pre-workout. Uh, one discipline. Is that

00:52:36.260 what he is? Or one practice. Is that what he said? Uh, one daily practice, one daily practice,

00:52:40.880 uh, planning. I would just say be intent, like, like carve out five to 10 minutes every morning,

00:52:46.940 plan out your day. Uh, that is going to help you create maximum efficiency. And then what was the

00:52:51.920 last one? A book sovereignty, my book. Yeah. Why would I pick anything else?

00:52:58.220 Yeah. And just so Eric, so it doesn't come across like self-promoting here.

00:53:02.580 No, it can be self-promoting. Like I wrote it, but I wrote it for order of man. Like it is

00:53:07.780 the order of man philosophy. So I'm self-promoting for sure.

00:53:11.680 I, uh, and I know yourself for money, but let me give Eric more value here. So this Ryan's book

00:53:19.340 is the foundation of the iron council of what we do within the iron council. It, it is,

00:53:28.720 it is fundamental to this conversation. So there's, there's, you know, it's not just Ryan's book.

00:53:34.060 There's actual huge value around it. Of course, of course there is.

00:53:38.820 I mean, that just goes without saying. Yeah. That's a given. It's a given Kip,

00:53:45.080 but I do appreciate you sharing that. All right. What else we got? Alphabet P.

00:53:51.640 I'm like, wait, what? Yes. I like it. Alphabet P. You've often spoken about coaching your sons.

00:53:58.620 I've coached my sons when he was younger and my father coached me. The father coach dynamic is

00:54:03.600 such an interesting topic that I'd love to hear you guys expand on.

00:54:08.820 Well, like what about it? I mean, expand dude. I don't know. Um, I enjoy it. I think it's good.

00:54:15.780 I think it's good for kids. Um, I think it actually can be a hindrance at times, which I think in some

00:54:20.800 sports, my son, my oldest son anyways, has outgrown my coaching. And so we've let him be coached by

00:54:25.100 other individuals and had him join other teams, uh, because it's, it's created a barrier that

00:54:29.660 shouldn't be there and gives them a new exposure to, uh, other, other men that he should be exposed to

00:54:34.880 and, and should be able to learn from. Uh, I think it can become a crutch if dad doesn't look

00:54:41.640 as at his child objectively, that's a challenge because you know, you think your kid's better

00:54:46.160 than probably it really is. Uh, and, and so you give them playing time based on that. And again,

00:54:51.380 you end up, you end up hindering his growth and his progress because you aren't willing to

00:54:56.380 be truthful with him or her, your, your athlete. Uh, but ultimately I, I think it's good, man. I

00:55:03.020 love coaching my kids. I coach about six teams a year and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love

00:55:08.300 being with them. I love seeing them progress. I try to treat them, uh, like any other member on the

00:55:14.820 team. I'm just as hard and just as empathetic and just as the same way with everybody. At least I try

00:55:21.780 to be, I can't say that I'm perfect at that. Um, but yeah, I mean, it's been a good experience.

00:55:25.940 It's a great, I love it. I love doing it. Yeah. It's funny how that pendulum can swing either way.

00:55:33.860 Like from you use the analogy of a father, you know, playing your, you thinking that your kid

00:55:38.400 is better than he is. Yeah. And, and I was the opposite. I think I was probably harder on my kid

00:55:44.620 because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't playing any more than the other kids. And he probably would

00:55:49.800 have got more playing time if he had a different coach. Well, you also got to be tough. You got to

00:55:55.220 be, you got to be careful of that too, though, because that can create some animosity between

00:56:00.100 you and him or her, uh, and, and make them not enjoy the game. So that, that's, that, that's like

00:56:06.600 that dichotomy that Jocko talks about. Right. So yeah, it's, that's a, it's a tough, it's a tough line

00:56:13.120 to walk, but it's very, very fulfilling and rewarding. Yeah. One thing that you've mentioned in the

00:56:17.960 past, Ryan, that I, and you alluded to, and your response is, I think we got to be careful of,

00:56:24.460 of when our skill sets have been, um, are not no longer needed, but are not sufficient for their

00:56:32.000 talent. Um, and that, cause that might be a kind of a hard pill to swallow too. Um, I eventually

00:56:38.120 realized like, okay, I can't, uh, there's more effective coaches than I, Oh, for sure. And he needs

00:56:44.880 to be on a different team and get better coaching than what I can provide. Yeah. So that will come

00:56:49.660 up eventually again. Yeah. You don't want to, you don't want to hinder them, right? You don't want,

00:56:54.420 you want them to continue to grow and to develop and to expand. And, um, if you're not, if you're not

00:57:01.340 looking at that and getting your ego out of the way, it might become a real, real problem for sure.

00:57:06.620 Let's take a couple more Kip. All right. CJ Barnett, I'm getting married on Thursday and I have

00:57:13.620 trouble with humility. Either I'm too prideful and rough or timid with my soon to be wife and others.

00:57:21.980 How do I strike an effective balance between confidence, pride, and humility?

00:57:28.460 I think humility and confidence go hand in hand. Like they're not mutually exclusive. You can be,

00:57:35.320 you can be humble and ask for help and receptive, and you can be confident in your other abilities.

00:57:43.380 Pride, I think is an excessive level of confidence. So you're starting to go the other way. If we're

00:57:47.680 looking at this as a spectrum, pride and arrogance are going the other way. They're not really earned.

00:57:53.280 They're actually an overinflated ego. And so confidence is not right. It's humility. It's,

00:58:00.620 it's having confidence in your abilities and your skillsets. Uh, as far as what you can do,

00:58:06.600 do, do an after action review, every, every conversation, every task, every project,

00:58:15.600 everything that you do have an after action review and look at your life and your performance

00:58:21.140 objectively. And I think it's very difficult to be arrogant when you're doing that because in the

00:58:28.300 process itself, you're actually looking for two things specifically, what you didn't do so well,

00:58:35.460 that's a humility issue, right? Now you go back to the drawing board and figure out how you can

00:58:39.160 shore up those, those weaknesses. So humility, and you actually cover what you do well,

00:58:45.280 which you should know that because then you can double down on those efforts and that builds

00:58:48.860 confidence. So the after action review, it actually addresses both issues, how to be humble

00:58:55.560 and how to be confident in some abilities to continue to double down on those things.

00:59:01.500 How much do you think integrity plays a part in pride that we're out of integrity when we have,

00:59:11.300 when we're arrogant and prideful? Oh, I think it's, I think it's absolutely connected because you're not

00:59:17.160 being truthful about how you really are and who you really are and what you're really capable of.

00:59:21.520 That's the problem. Pride and arrogance are not earned. They're an over inflated sense of worth,

00:59:28.720 meaning that you want to value or place more value on yourself than maybe you earned or, or you're,

00:59:35.000 or you're deserving of. And that's an integrity issue because you're not looking at yourself

00:59:40.360 truthfully. You, you, you need to look at yourself objectively as possible. It's hard to do because

00:59:46.360 you're in the box, right? But you've got to look at yourself objectively. I went to a, an event this

00:59:51.740 past weekend with Soren X and I'm not a, I'm not a big guy, but I'm not a small guy. I'm, I'm 5'10".

00:59:59.600 I weigh 190 pounds. Again, not, not a big guy, but never the smallest guy in the room. And I go to

01:00:06.860 Soren X and I'm a small dude at Soren X. These guys are beasts, beasts. And I watched that. I was

01:00:18.300 able to present, which was really cool, a cool experience. And then one of the days they did

01:00:22.840 a lifting session and they were maxing out, doing a competition on squats and deadlift.

01:00:29.100 And these guys, man, like go to, just go to my Instagram page and you'll see,

01:00:33.340 I made some posts of what some of these guys were doing, but, uh, I'm talking about squatting

01:00:38.080 700 pounds, deadlifting. I think one guy deadlifted 750 or 780 pounds. Look, if I get under the rack

01:00:48.160 with 700 pounds, because I'm full of shit, I will injure myself. If not kill myself,

01:00:56.740 I will die. Like if I try to pick up 700 pounds, I would break, I'd probably break my back.

01:01:05.580 That's, I know that's it. That's, that's a physical illustration of course, but it's also

01:01:11.140 metaphorical. If you over inflate yourself to the point where you think you're better than you are,

01:01:19.020 or you're more deserving than you really are. And you go out into the world and you walk around like

01:01:24.880 your shit don't stink. And you're interacting with individuals like that. And you're basing

01:01:30.220 your life on some distorted warped perception of reality. You will die. You're going to, you're,

01:01:36.460 you're going to get hurt and you're going to get humbled really quickly. So better to do it

01:01:42.900 voluntarily. For me, I saw those guys, I was inspired, man. I'm like, I need to lift heavier

01:01:47.880 because these guys are strong. Like I've, I've been doing CrossFit, which has been good for me,

01:01:51.440 but I need to lift heavier because I want to get strong. Like these guys do that's humility.

01:01:56.000 So I was asking them what, what I can do. How can I grow? How can I develop? Then when I actually

01:02:00.820 go put it into practice, I can be confident, but not so confident that I'm going to try to step under

01:02:04.740 700 pounds and kill myself. I hope that illustration makes sense. Yeah, I think it does. That's a good

01:02:11.980 analogy. It was crazy, man. The intensity and the testosterone. It was, it was awesome, man. It was

01:02:19.240 maybe a little intimidating as well. I wasn't intimidated. I like, I never once felt, once

01:02:24.500 felt intimidated. And I'll tell you why this is, this is ties into what we're talking about here,

01:02:28.460 because these guys had nothing to prove. They had nothing to prove to me. There was no ego involved

01:02:37.620 because they've all been humbled. They all know what it's like. And so watching these guys, and these

01:02:42.780 are strength and conditioning coaches for major, major colleges. Some of the best, highest performing

01:02:49.000 athletic programs on the planet. And that's where these guys are coming from. No ego. I was amazed.

01:02:55.600 Everybody's walking around supportive of each other, helping each other out lifting. And so there

01:03:00.960 wasn't a point where I felt like, Oh, I don't belong here. Or these guys aren't, you know, whatever

01:03:06.460 accepting of me. Like, no, none of that. I mean, it was very, very cool from that perspective. Sorenx has

01:03:11.580 just done an amazing job creating this kind of culture. And, and you can see the results speak for

01:03:22.460 themselves. It's absolutely incredible. That's awesome. Yeah, man. You know, we failed on CJ

01:03:27.280 Barnett's question earlier. He said he was getting married. Congratulations, CJ. Yeah. By the way,

01:03:32.480 that's exciting. Exciting times, man. Marriage is a powerful, powerful, uh, connection and union

01:03:39.120 between you and your wife. It's, it's been one of the greatest things for me. I do want to say

01:03:43.380 something about marriage. Cause I've been thinking a lot about this. Uh, and I know as, as I share

01:03:47.920 this, there's a lot of guys out there who don't believe in marriage. You know, it's kind of sad to

01:03:52.680 me that the family unit and dynamic is being systematically stripped apart and ripped apart and

01:03:58.620 torn apart. And there's an attack on masculinity, just as much as there is femininity as well.

01:04:03.180 That's why the powers that be want to try to make everybody the same. And it, and it's destroyed,

01:04:08.280 destroyed and crippled the family unit, which I think is an integral part of society. Forget about,

01:04:14.360 you know, uh, we were talking about separation of church and state, like forget about that. Like

01:04:18.540 that's important, but let's return to the family, man. That's so, so critical.

01:04:22.920 But I will say this about marriage is that there isn't another relationship or partnership or union

01:04:32.900 between me and any other individual or company or project or whatever I could be engaged in that

01:04:37.820 has been as powerful as marriage. And it's challenging at times. It's hard, but you know

01:04:43.000 what? It's supposed to be. My job is to challenge my wife, not in a negative way, but to challenge her

01:04:48.440 to get better, to become a better, more capable woman. Her job is to challenge me, not by henpecking

01:04:56.120 me and nitpicking me and being a pain in the ass, but by encouraging me and fostering growth and

01:05:04.240 expansion to help me become a more capable man. And I'm telling you what, there is nothing,

01:05:10.460 nothing on this planet like marriage that will create that sort of growth in each other.

01:05:17.220 I think there's been a problem with marriage because governments have decided to get involved

01:05:25.120 and say, what is marriage and what isn't marriage and family law is corrupt and all of that. And I

01:05:29.980 understand that, but I'm talking about the union. And if it is within your belief system,

01:05:36.160 the covenant that you make with your wife and God, that is a very, very powerful, if not the most

01:05:43.740 powerful connection you can make, uh, in your time on this planet. Anyways, I'll get off the pulpit,

01:05:49.800 but that that's my thoughts on marriage. Yeah. I have to add this. I think the other problem

01:05:55.120 that society is having with marriage is we're copying out. We're, we're taking the easy route.

01:06:02.580 We're doing what we think is not what's in our best interest, but what we think is the easiest thing.

01:06:08.380 Sure. And because of that, I don't think a lot of guys make marriage a priority. And, and to,

01:06:14.520 to your point, Ryan, I don't think that a man can reach his full potential of who he could become

01:06:22.280 as a man without marriage. I honestly believe that. Well, and the other side of that is you talk about

01:06:29.240 easy path. And I think you're absolutely right is can a man grow? If all he does is take the easy

01:06:35.100 path. Of course not. Cause he retreats at every opportunity he can, because things get a little

01:06:40.500 challenging or a little hard. Yeah. It's supposed to be challenging, man. Women are challenging,

01:06:44.860 but guess what? Men are challenging to women too. That doesn't mean that it's not supposed to work

01:06:49.520 out. It just means that we need to work it. Yeah, totally. All right. Nick Kretzmeer dealing with

01:06:56.180 the sudden loss of my mother and being the next of kin. I know she wants to be cremated in where she wants

01:07:01.560 her ashes spread. It's a lot to take in at once. And I'm not sure what steps I need to take for her

01:07:07.340 and for handling this myself. Well, like if we're talking about the, like the logistics,

01:07:15.380 I think that that's kind of the easier step, right? Like find, find a place, just honor her

01:07:19.960 wishes. Like she wants to be cremated. I think he said, and so just honor that, find a place that

01:07:24.440 will do it and get it done and put together a ceremony. And that place will help you. I'm sure

01:07:28.480 because that's what they do. They'll help you put together something that will honor her in a way

01:07:32.620 that you and her feel is appropriate. Uh, but I, but I think it's probably more of the emotional how

01:07:37.860 to handle this right. Then the logistics, would you, would you agree? Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally.

01:07:43.020 Yeah, man. Uh, time and attention is all I can say, you know, give yourself time. It's okay to grieve.

01:07:48.860 It's okay to go through this process. I've, I've lost people that are close to me and, you know,

01:07:53.760 it takes time and it's not going to happen overnight. And it is what it is. I would say,

01:07:57.380 live your life in a way that, that she would be proud of the way that she raised you and that she

01:08:02.220 wants you to live. Uh, and then I would say attention, you know, where, where are you

01:08:06.280 placing your emphasis? Find, find a band of brothers, build a band of brothers, get a good

01:08:09.960 hobby, get a good outlet, exercise, get promotions at work, make yourself a project. Uh, and, and I

01:08:15.860 think you begin, I don't want to say distract. That's maybe not the right word, but you do place

01:08:19.900 emphasis on what's important, which is how do I move forward and how do I keep the ball rolling?

01:08:25.000 So I'm sorry for your loss. That's, that's a difficult thing. Um, but I, but I think that

01:08:29.480 might give you some direction and guidance. I hope it does anyways. Yeah. And we talked

01:08:33.800 about this a little bit earlier with Daniel's question. I mean, I, I think looking for opportunities

01:08:38.580 of how to honor your mother through your actions, um, is, is a powerful way of growing beyond this.

01:08:45.400 And, and I think I, I, here, I referenced it. Here's, you know, Jocko's podcast, episode one 57,

01:08:51.420 an hour and 30 minute mark, um, really strong content. So maybe, maybe check that out as well.

01:08:59.860 Yeah, definitely. Cool, man. All right. Well, did we get through everything you want to,

01:09:04.720 do we have a couple more or one more? What do we got? All right. Let's take the last question

01:09:08.180 from, uh, Jazeed Flores. Okay. How do you lead a group of more experienced men than you?

01:09:14.600 Uh, lead with humility, right? You might not know it all, but if you can be the delegator,

01:09:20.580 if you can see the bigger picture, if you can recognize that there's men within your midst who

01:09:24.160 are more specialized than you in certain aspects, then call upon them, draw upon that experience,

01:09:28.380 get your ego out of the way. You don't need to know it all. Uh, if you have people in your life,

01:09:32.500 men specifically in this context, who can get you closer to the objective as a team,

01:09:37.920 then call upon them and ask them to lead in their, you know, their respective specialties.

01:09:43.700 Uh, don't think you have to do it all. I think when you do think that, uh, you're going to put

01:09:47.660 yourself in a bad way and be less capable of completing the task at hand. So lead with humility.

01:09:54.360 Yeah. It's good counsel. All right. Let's wrap up. Let's do it, man. So, yeah. I mean,

01:10:01.920 we mentioned this obviously guys, you know, support the podcast. I mean, Ryan, your, your

01:10:06.800 Friday field notes last week, you know, was kind of your, your thank you, uh, episode. And, um,

01:10:15.620 and it kind of resonated with me when I listened to it. It's just kind of the momentum around what

01:10:20.980 we're doing and the importance of, of this conversation and the importance of reclaiming

01:10:26.460 masculinity. Um, you guys can join us on Facebook at facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

01:10:34.000 And for those willing to get on the court and kind of be rubbing shoulders with this community,

01:10:38.720 even more so than just via Facebook, uh, join us in the, our exclusive brotherhood,

01:10:44.340 the iron council. You can learn more about the iron council at order of man.com slash iron council.

01:10:49.360 And of course you can follow Mr. Mickler, uh, and learn more about the sore next, uh, event that

01:10:55.240 you did, uh, last week, as well as a great deal of other things by following him on Instagram and

01:11:01.340 Twitter at Ryan Mickler. That's it. And the store is closed until when, uh, indefinitely, I guess I'd say,

01:11:08.780 uh, it's probably going to be, oh, I don't know. It'll probably be the next two or three weeks

01:11:16.640 before we're able to get it back and set up and we'll, we'll get it up and running as quickly as

01:11:20.240 possible. If you have an order, that's all been shipped. So we'll get everything else taken care

01:11:23.400 of. Okay. And then really quick on the origin camp. Um, they posted, I think it was like a

01:11:29.060 couple of days ago that the origin Brazilian Jiu Jitsu immersion camp is almost full. So if you guys

01:11:35.960 are interested in attending that, that's August 25th through September 1st to register, you can go to

01:11:42.420 origin main.com slash order camp. Excellent. Get there guys. We'd love to see you there. Um,

01:11:49.280 Kip and I will both be there. Matthew Arrington will be up there. Uh, it's going to be a cool

01:11:52.620 thing. So hope to see you there guys. Like I said, last week in the Friday field notes, I just,

01:11:56.680 I want to let you know how much I appreciate you being on this path. I couldn't do without you.

01:11:59.720 I mean, truly we could not do this without you. So to have you here, uh, to have you as part of this

01:12:05.220 mission to reclaim and restore masculinity, it's, it's really an honor for me. And it's really helped me

01:12:09.000 step up in big ways as well. So guys, we'll let you, uh, let you get after it until Friday for our

01:12:13.900 Friday field notes, but go out there, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

01:12:17.680 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:12:22.200 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - May 22, 2019

Leading with Humility, When to Rest, and Dealing with Death ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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