Learning to Let Go, Choose Yourself, and Earn Your Kids' Trust ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 1 minute
Words per Minute
172.11679
Summary
In this episode, we talk about how to deal with chaos and clutter in your life and how to manage it so that you can be the best version of yourself. We also talk about the importance of not dwelling on mistakes and how you can learn from them.
Transcript
00:00:25.620
When in reality, sometimes these things take a while.
00:00:28.840
And I've found power in my life when I just go,
00:00:32.540
hey, how do I need to be showing up day in and day out?
00:00:44.300
Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:59.200
This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:01:16.760
And it is amazing how quickly you can get off track
00:01:20.940
and off schedule when you don't do your morning routine.
00:01:30.460
Well, my mom's been in town and the kids were here, you know,
00:01:48.240
I really spend some time reflecting and thinking about how I operate best.
00:02:07.400
But I think part of that is, part of it is good.
00:02:09.960
But the other part of it is just my desire to control everything.
00:02:15.320
Otherwise, I will literally have a heart attack.
00:02:28.620
when I couldn't do my homework until my room was clean.
00:02:33.620
Like, my surroundings needed to be addressed for me to sit down and do deep work.
00:02:40.840
Even though back then we didn't call it deep work.
00:02:47.720
I'm sure there's some psychological disease or classification for that.
00:02:58.580
And it doesn't help when we read a book called Essentialism that helps reiterate that
00:03:03.080
we should probably get rid of all the clutter and all the crap in our lives.
00:03:12.320
And I need to get rid of them and simplify things.
00:03:18.100
Your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness.
00:03:20.800
And if your strength is organization and focus and a distraction-free environment
00:03:28.180
and you know that about yourself and everything has a place.
00:03:31.260
I remember when I was growing up, my mom would say,
00:03:33.420
a place for everything and everything in its place.
00:03:38.960
But if it gets to the point where it agitates you or consumes you
00:03:44.320
or makes you a miserable person around other people,
00:03:47.520
which I've certainly been as I'm like cleaning because like I'll literally follow people around
00:03:51.920
and clean up their crap because I can't deal with it.
00:03:54.880
Or if it's a coping mechanism is something it could be too,
00:03:58.360
where you're not really actually addressing problems.
00:04:01.040
You're just cleaning things, feeling productive.
00:04:03.860
To feel better instead of addressing the issue.
00:04:14.240
Well, we got some good questions today from both the Iron Council and the Facebook group.
00:04:25.180
I find value in reviewing my life's decisions almost like an audit
00:04:29.660
in the context of not dwelling on mistakes but opportunity costs.
00:04:37.120
Do you ever look back over your life and gauge your success?
00:04:40.300
If so, where do you think either of you would be had if you had not learned into the principles
00:04:56.000
I mean, what you're talking about is a foundational element of the battle planning system.
00:05:02.920
And usually when we talk about the after action review, we're generally addressing it from
00:05:10.220
the macro, what to look for after a 90-day cycle, for example.
00:05:19.320
I'm doing an after action review every single day.
00:05:22.760
And I do an after action review after every conversation, discussion, project, thing, coaching.
00:05:35.160
And to his point, you don't analyze your performance to beat yourself up.
00:05:41.900
We just analyze it to see objectively, as objective as you possibly can be when you're looking at
00:05:48.120
it yourself, what you can do to improve, where you fell short, how you would tweak your performance
00:05:55.380
in the future, and then generally just get better.
00:05:59.340
So if you're asking, where would I be if I didn't have that principle of the after action
00:06:07.060
I don't know, obviously, but I would not be nearly as far along as I am.
00:06:15.020
I'd be banging my head against the wall and not producing the results that I desire.
00:06:19.420
I would probably be frustrated in life knowing that there was something more or have a feeling
00:06:30.420
And I think there's a lot of men who are in that same position where they're like the hamster
00:06:39.400
They're getting up and giving themselves barely enough time to go into work and do work they
00:06:46.140
And then they're told, well, just work harder if you're not making it.
00:06:49.140
And then they come home and they're in a relationship where they don't communicate and they don't
00:06:57.900
And the key, there are a few keys, but one of the keys is this after-action review process.
00:07:19.600
So for example, my oldest son asked if I'd come help do a little bit of coaching for lacrosse.
00:07:25.340
Now, I don't know a thing about lacrosse, but I know how to read defenses.
00:07:34.500
I have a passion for actually coaching youth sports.
00:07:39.220
And so I was invited to go help this weekend, just run some defensive drills and talk with
00:07:44.420
the boys about pursuits and different kind of checks and when to pursue and when to sit
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and all the things that go along with the principles of defense and sports.
00:07:56.080
After the practice session, I reviewed my performance.
00:08:03.960
Well, I taught those boys how to slide better, which is basically synonymous with shifting
00:08:12.720
We had some good conversations about footwork and seeing the entire field.
00:08:18.720
Well, there was a couple of drills that I had prepared that we just didn't have time to get to.
00:08:26.040
I feel like I was pretty, I was good with the boys.
00:08:30.980
So I was able to build rapport with the boys where there was an added level of trust.
00:08:37.580
There was a couple of boys that I noticed, not because of anything I think I said, but
00:08:42.540
they seemed to be the kind of young men who got down and hard on themselves unreasonably
00:08:53.800
So the way that I communicated some things specifically to them could have been done with
00:09:04.140
He's like, oh yeah, they get down on themselves.
00:09:07.740
I need to know that about those two boys because I need to communicate with them differently.
00:09:16.700
Plan the times of the practice out a little better so that I'm hitting all the goals and
00:09:22.160
targets and the next practice will go better because of that.
00:09:25.660
So there's an example of what that might look like.
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I mean, obviously the AER is very much part of my life as well.
00:09:33.800
Um, a little outside of Aaron's question, but I think it's really profound and I've never
00:09:40.140
made this connection until today, um, until just now, you know, of late, I've been really
00:09:46.720
pondering on the importance of the power of choice and how often you kind of alluded to
00:09:54.600
it at the beginning of the, of the response to his question around how so many people are
00:10:00.620
operating in the hamster wheel of life and they're not making conscious choices around
00:10:09.900
Cause they feel like they have to, they're doing the thing at home.
00:10:14.320
Because if I don't, my wife, blah, like they're not consciously making choices.
00:10:20.260
They're constantly being acted upon by everybody.
00:10:23.060
And when life goes sideways, it's like they're hopeless because they're not owning the decisions
00:10:33.080
The after action review forces us to take choice.
00:10:46.900
I thought I was just being, I was just doing what everyone is telling me to do.
00:10:51.040
No, it is really a framework to ensure that you're evaluating, but you're stepping into
00:10:57.700
taking ownership of one's life and making choices moving forward versus just being reactionary
00:11:08.820
And so I never saw that the AR did that, but it's totally a framework to drive the importance
00:11:18.340
You know, on, on that same line too, Kip is one thing that we often see in men is their
00:11:26.040
unwillingness to accept responsibility for their situation.
00:11:29.460
And you're talking about that and what they'll usually do, not usually, but a lot of people,
00:11:35.280
maybe a majority of people will push off blame and responsibility on others.
00:11:41.160
But what I like about this after action review process is because there's two op, there's two
00:11:53.100
Like there are other factors at play here that are beyond your control.
00:11:57.240
And the other one is take no responsibility whatsoever.
00:12:01.580
It was all their fault, all that fault, all this.
00:12:07.220
So if you're doing an after action review, let's say for a project at work, well, what went well?
00:12:20.000
We wanted to do more, build in these features or services, but we couldn't get it.
00:12:26.720
Well, Bob was late on his delivery and that caused the entire mission to go sideways.
00:12:33.080
Now here's where it gets valuable because that might be true.
00:12:36.800
Maybe Bob was late on what he was supposed to deliver and it messed up everybody else's
00:12:42.180
Whether you're in tech or construction, we've all been at the mercy of somebody else being
00:12:46.960
late and then it just ruins everything moving forward.
00:12:49.920
So the last question is, what am I going to do next time?
00:12:52.800
Well, in this case, maybe Bob's no longer back, invited back on the team, or maybe you
00:12:58.300
need to clearly communicate with Bob what he needs to do, or maybe there's some resources
00:13:02.900
that Bob was lacking that if you got those to him, then he would have been able to hit
00:13:09.380
So I like the after action review because it puts the responsibility on our shoulders, which
00:13:14.160
is where it should be, but it is not ignorant to issues beyond our control or issues
00:13:26.080
When it forces, it forces all the leaders that like read extreme ownership and they wear
00:13:31.420
it like as a badge, you know, it's like, oh, I, hey, Ryan, my bad.
00:13:38.660
But what are you taking ownership of specifically?
00:13:46.960
The AAR says, what are you going to do moving forward?
00:13:50.580
So it forces us to identify the area of responsibility, not just this blanketed, I take ownership for
00:13:58.800
The other pitch here based upon the power of AAR is learning.
00:14:05.280
Have you heard of the, it's the 70-20-10 rule that 10% of learning comes from lectures.
00:14:23.460
Most people learn in a heuristic manner in the work that they're doing.
00:14:28.420
And if you're not pausing and going, what went well, what did not go well, what did we learn
00:14:35.620
in the work that we're doing, then we're leaving a ton on the table for us to learn and grow
00:14:41.680
And so it works out perfectly even with just learning models.
00:14:48.500
I was playing, just taking some batting practice with my youngest son over the weekend.
00:14:53.240
And he's in this habit of, instead of stepping forward or stepping to the left or stepping
00:14:58.660
to the right based on where the ball is pitched, he always steps back when he swings, always.
00:15:03.760
So the stance is wider and he moves back and swings?
00:15:09.320
But when he swings, that front foot, it steps way back.
00:15:13.460
And so he misses a lot of, because he pulls his bat and he can't reach the ball because
00:15:18.000
he's pulling everything, not just inside pitches, but down the middle and outside pitches.
00:15:30.060
He's, he has developed muscle memory and I'm not picking on my son.
00:15:35.060
He has developed muscle memory around doing it wrong, doing it incorrectly.
00:15:41.160
And how many times do we as men do that where we're like, well, this is the way we've always
00:15:55.200
I mean, that requires humility, but I've never understood why we just refuse to ask for
00:16:04.360
help or get some feedback or look, of course, you know, but look for, but I don't know.
00:16:11.120
But most people would probably disagree, but with my ego statement that I'm going to make
00:16:21.680
I'd rather drop my ego, ask some questions and win at life or whatever I'm doing, than
00:16:28.280
just keep doing the same dumb thing over again without producing desired results.
00:16:47.260
Um, if you could only teach your son one principle to live by, what would it be?
00:16:58.880
Um, one, one thing that I suggested, I think a week or two ago, and this is very much in
00:17:07.600
Your ability to be coachable, to listen, to learn, to apply, to accept feedback, to look
00:17:19.020
at things critically, to evaluate your performance, to do it differently, do it better, man.
00:17:23.980
I think the people who are coachable in life are, are inevitably going to win.
00:17:29.660
And it's all encompassing too, because, you know, some people might say, well, I want them
00:17:34.200
to be a virtuous, righteous person, of course, sure.
00:17:38.260
But is it, doesn't coachability allow for that?
00:17:40.640
Because if somebody comes to him and says, Hey, you know what you did when you stole from
00:17:44.060
little Timmy was wrong and here's why it's wrong.
00:17:48.440
If he's coachable and says, Oh yeah, that is wrong.
00:17:52.600
And here's why it's important that I show up in a different way.
00:17:56.180
So that, that to me is my knee jerk reaction is coachability.
00:18:03.360
I thought humility, um, and, and I love this concept.
00:18:07.720
If you don't mind me sharing this really quick, I love the term confident humility.
00:18:13.660
You have to be confident enough to try things, to believe that you could figure it out, have
00:18:20.360
a growth mindset, but humble enough to be coachable.
00:18:29.080
And if everyone's interested and they're like, Oh, I want to know more details.
00:18:35.200
The number one contributing factor to increase confidence is gratitude.
00:18:41.780
Number one, number one attribute to increase in humility.
00:18:51.380
At the center of both increasing confidence as well as increasing humility is your gratitude.
00:18:58.600
Dealing in reality where you are, what's good, where you can improve, et cetera.
00:19:03.240
So confident, humility, coachability, those would, I totally agree.
00:19:06.800
I thought the same exact thing when I read the question.
00:19:20.480
I'm, I'm not a huge fan of like changing words or putting extra words onto things, but, but it's, but we do have to clarify to your point because so many people believe that humility is lacking confidence or it's the absence of confidence.
00:19:38.020
It's the absence, I would say, of ego or pride or being conceited, but humility.
00:19:45.280
In fact, the way I view humility is that you actually have to be a confident individual to be humble.
00:19:56.680
I was going to say most people that are insecure are not humble at all.
00:20:00.600
They can't, they can't be, you know, and what does, what does that actually look like in practicality?
00:20:04.840
Well, it means if you're at work and you're not performing the way that you'd like, you turn to the guy who is and you ask him, but you have to be confident enough to ask that takes courage and you have to be confident enough that it's not going to undermine who you are.
00:20:23.560
It doesn't make you a bad person or an idiot or any of this kind of stuff.
00:20:27.640
And that requires some, some confidence to be able to do that.
00:20:30.920
But I do like the clarification because I mean, the alternative to that is just being weak and cowardly and that's not humility.
00:20:43.860
Like if, if, if somebody said to me, and here's a silly example, like, Hey Ryan, where would you like to go to lunch?
00:20:49.160
And I'm just afraid of sharing what's on my mind and speaking up on something as simple as that.
00:20:54.680
If I say, Oh guys, whatever you want, like, that's not humility.
00:21:05.880
So if I say, I want to go to X, Y, Z restaurant, I don't want to get rejected.
00:21:16.620
This is reminds me of the word meek because this is another word that's very similar, right?
00:21:22.260
Is people understood and meek as weak when reality is just teachable.
00:21:33.900
Chad Scott, how do you choose between prioritizing yourself and keeping your word to others?
00:21:39.580
If, if the time required to prioritize yourself conflicts with the time you have promised to
00:21:46.960
other people, when do you either break your word or put yourself on the back burner?
00:21:53.240
If I already made the commitment, I think the honorable thing to do is to skip out on your
00:21:59.480
own self wellbeing and do what you said you're going to do.
00:22:06.940
You know, if, um, for example, you know, one of my children has an emergency, but I promised
00:22:18.000
And you would understand that as a reasonable person, I would think.
00:22:21.040
So that's that there are exceptions of course, but generally speaking, if you said you're going
00:22:27.060
And not only is it because your word is your bond and being a man of your word is important,
00:22:31.420
but also because you need to suffer the consequence of mismanagement of time.
00:22:38.220
And so if I spend four hours helping you move when I had a conflict Kip, but I came over and
00:22:43.680
I did it anyways, what I'm going to do next time is remember, Oh yeah.
00:22:54.980
I probably made Kip feel bad because he knew I didn't want to be there.
00:22:58.560
And it has to sting a little bit so that I remember the next time somebody asked me for
00:23:03.300
something that conflicts with my own schedule, I'm not so inclined to do it as quickly.
00:23:13.020
I don't want to see my kids suffer, but I'd rather discipline them and have them suffer
00:23:17.460
now in the short term than never learn the lessons for the long haul.
00:23:21.640
Uh, now, as far as prioritization goes beforehand, build your day out first.
00:23:33.160
Of course you take into consideration commitments, you know, being, being with your wife and being
00:23:38.240
available for your kids that those are commitments that you've already made.
00:23:41.580
So you have to take those into consideration, but build your day out, build your week out,
00:23:47.520
and then you can plug in where appropriate and also learn to say no.
00:23:54.500
That is a very, very difficult thing to do for men because we want to be valuable.
00:23:59.300
We derive our sense of worth from being useful to other people.
00:24:03.620
And so when somebody says, Hey, can you help me move?
00:24:09.340
Not always excited about it, but I'm flattered.
00:24:11.580
You thought I was capable enough to come help you move, or I have the truck and the resources
00:24:21.140
But also if it's going to conflict with what I need to get done, then it's, it's a no,
00:24:29.520
So you might make a compromise if, again, I'm just using the moving things as a scenario.
00:24:34.920
If you said, Hey, Kip, can, or Hey Ryan, can you help me move on Saturday at noon?
00:24:41.280
Well, I, let's say hypothetically, I have a prior commitment from noon to two.
00:24:49.540
I'm already committed to doing something that's on my schedule, but if it would help, I can come
00:24:56.480
And so you can make your compromises if what somebody is asking is important.
00:25:03.120
And if they're important to you, then I would say you can compromise that, but don't ever
00:25:07.160
compromise your own schedule outside of those few exceptions that exist.
00:25:14.800
Jeremy, Kofi, what's, Hey, can I say one other thing?
00:25:18.720
I had two friends in the last, um, in the last, uh, couple of, well, three or four days
00:25:26.020
talk to me about some marriage issues that they're dealing with.
00:25:30.000
And they reached out to me because I've gone through it myself and might be able to give
00:25:36.120
I'm not a marriage expert, but I have some context and maybe some insight based on my
00:25:40.420
own personal experience and they both wanted to talk about these things after hours in
00:25:48.620
And then on the weekend, well, I don't do calls on the evenings in the evenings.
00:25:52.740
I have games and sports and, and I don't do calls on the weekends cause that's my time
00:25:58.080
to enjoy the weekend with my kids or, you know, my, my hobbies and activities.
00:26:02.120
But in these cases, those are two men that I care about and they're two men who are hurting.
00:26:09.840
So you better believe I made an exception for my schedule to be available for those two
00:26:16.560
And those are some of the exceptions that exist.
00:26:22.060
Jeremy Kofi, what's one book that changed how you show up as a man and one that just made
00:26:35.820
I know I talk about that all the time, but wild at heart is my go-to as a man think if
00:26:43.340
Those are the two that really stand out for, you know, the other one, I know this sounds
00:26:48.520
a little self-serving, but kind of an interesting, interesting take on this question is my book.
00:26:54.680
Not, and, and not because of the content necessarily.
00:26:59.120
It's because it really caused me to think and reflect and articulate and flesh out ideas
00:27:05.020
that I had been talking about up to that point for years.
00:27:07.800
And there were things where I, and I don't even remember what they are quite honestly,
00:27:12.380
but I do remember the feeling of writing something down and saying, wait a second, do you really
00:27:19.820
And I had to find other anecdotes and other research and data to either support it or debunk
00:27:25.840
And it really helps solidify and change some of my own perspective.
00:27:29.680
And I would never wish the book writing process on a human being on this earth.
00:27:36.500
It is a miserable, horrible process, but also pretty, uh, pretty enlightening.
00:27:46.200
Well, and it played probably played a major role in your development and understanding
00:27:55.860
And that's also the one that made me laugh out loud.
00:27:57.760
Cause the first iteration I looked at it, I'm like, why is this so horrible?
00:28:05.120
If you, if you had to pick another book though, do you, do you have a book that's made you,
00:28:11.160
I can't think of a book I've read that I laugh.
00:28:17.580
I don't think, are there books that I don't know.
00:28:21.000
I mean, maybe like kids books or something, or like a book of jokes, like dad jokes, maybe.
00:28:31.860
I have tried to incorporate more, uh, fiction into my, my library and that's been refreshing.
00:28:39.380
The other thing I did is it kept, this is going to be crazy.
00:28:43.420
But, um, when I was doing that training with running for that half marathon, yeah.
00:28:49.460
Um, my girlfriend had suggested that, uh, I, instead of listening to podcasts, just try
00:29:02.040
And she's like, just listen to music, like just enjoy it and have fun and cadence.
00:29:08.840
And for a guy who's not big on music, it was a game changer.
00:29:17.060
So I don't know, maybe, maybe my personality just,
00:29:23.040
Jeremy, I actually want to know what book you have that makes you laugh out loud.
00:29:28.340
So, um, yeah, I sound like I'm just a repeat of you, man.
00:29:32.480
But as a man thinketh is probably one of the most profound books I've ever read.
00:29:37.300
I, I, I remember the first time I read that book, it was like, I was in my twenties,
00:29:49.900
And then after like the fifth page, I realized I was just highlighting almost the entire damn book.
00:29:57.500
Like, this is just, this whole book is just amazing.
00:30:02.960
So that, that would probably be the book on my list.
00:30:06.320
You know, what I've been thinking about over the past couple of days is how powerful we as human beings are to bring something into fruition.
00:30:17.160
That was just electricity firing in these biological cells, you know, like it's really fascinating to me.
00:30:27.320
And the past several days I've been thinking, be very careful what you think about,
00:30:33.940
because what you think about will, you will start moving towards that.
00:30:40.080
So if you're thinking about like a fulfilling life or goals and dreams and desires,
00:30:48.240
if that's what you're thinking about, you're going to start doing things that are going to,
00:30:53.620
I don't like that word, but you're going to start doing things a little differently to move into the realization of that dream.
00:31:02.980
If you start having negative thoughts about people or negative thoughts about work or slipping in devices,
00:31:08.900
you are going to do things, even subconsciously, that are going to move you towards self-actualization.
00:31:15.900
So if you think work is horrible and you hate it and you don't want to be there anymore,
00:31:21.560
you're probably going to get fired at some point,
00:31:23.640
because you're doing things that you're maybe not even aware of that make you a miserable person at work.
00:31:30.900
And everybody else is going to start to notice it.
00:31:34.820
And before long, if you don't leave on your own accord, you're going to be forced out.
00:31:42.600
Like I've heard that concept years ago around self-fulfilling prophecies, right?
00:31:51.580
If I have a heart at war towards you, Ryan, and I perceive you a certain way,
00:31:58.540
And because the change of how I interact with you invites you to collude
00:32:03.160
into the very person that I'm placing judgment on.
00:32:08.060
Like you will ask for the very thing that you're looking for.
00:32:11.480
This is why from a leadership perspective, I always like state,
00:32:14.840
you have to believe people are not the problem.
00:32:19.260
You have to believe in the individual and never assume they're the problem.
00:32:23.520
Because at the minute you start placing judgment and you assume they're the problem,
00:32:33.040
They'll literally become the very thing that you're asking them
00:32:41.660
I mean, just walk through that process in your marriage.
00:32:46.040
You're overly, I don't know, you're jealous typing,
00:32:51.440
you're assuming your spouse is cheating on you,
00:33:08.000
And all rooted in this sick, twisted state of wanting to be right.
00:33:16.640
Like, we would rather be right about something than happy.
00:33:27.480
I'm not saying that's a general statement across the board,
00:33:32.180
And I don't know a better word to call it than sick,
00:33:35.620
but sometimes we are so latched on to being right about something
00:33:42.000
I think, I think we can be, I do believe that we can have that.
00:34:09.060
You don't want the heartbreak that would come with it.
00:34:14.600
It was interesting that you brought up marriages.
00:34:20.360
and I think we talked about this, the Gottman Institute.
00:34:28.700
studies and, and surveys and relationship building things all around,
00:34:32.500
uh, romantic relationships, primarily your, your marriages.
00:34:36.780
And I can't remember the exact statistics or data on this,
00:34:40.580
but there was two things that really stood out to me.
00:34:46.240
He said they've interviewed thousands and thousands and thousands of married
00:34:50.460
couples from couples that lasted a year to couples that have, you know,
00:34:59.080
Two of the greatest indicators of long-term success in marriages is one.
00:35:05.380
The people who kiss their significant other goodbye when they leave for work
00:35:11.900
have a greater likelihood of having a longer lasting marriage.
00:35:19.080
You're not, you know, if you, if you actually care about somebody,
00:35:20.980
you're actually going to tell them I love them and kiss them goodbye.
00:35:23.660
Or it forces you to get past that little grudge thing from the night before.
00:35:30.040
And, and the other one, this one was really interesting to me.
00:35:32.660
And it said that the partners who stay married the longest are the ones who
00:35:40.880
And if you can just give the benefit of the doubt and think highly of your
00:35:44.680
partner, then your marriage is going to last longer.
00:35:48.420
And sometimes you don't think highly of your partner because they do something
00:35:52.540
dumb or they yell at you or they make a mistake or whatever.
00:35:57.540
And there are some mistakes that I would say warrant serious consideration.
00:36:02.860
But for the most part, it's your husband forgot to take the trash out in the
00:36:07.460
morning, or you hate the way that your wife chews her food at the dinner table, or, you
00:36:13.420
know, like little silly things that if you let eat you up, will, I think, destroy your
00:36:22.240
Which is really, would you say that correlates to just gratitude?
00:36:25.640
Yeah, because you're seeing, I mean, maybe, maybe partially, but the other part is just
00:36:36.980
you're choosing to be in love with that person.
00:36:41.060
You know, you have, for example, again, to go back this, let's say a bad habit.
00:36:44.840
Let's say your wife cracks her knuckles and it just drives you crazy or whatever.
00:36:52.400
That's, that's enough to enter marriage for me.
00:36:55.120
I was like, I was like, okay, that one's applicable.
00:37:00.860
I know that's actually a real, um, like condition.
00:37:06.060
It's actually a, a, a real condition is people who can't stand the sound of people chewing
00:37:11.180
their food, but it's usually not that it's just annoying is okay.
00:37:15.460
Maybe some correction here or there, but at the end of the day, stop, don't listen to it.
00:37:22.680
Like be, to your point about grateful, be grateful that there's food on the table.
00:37:26.780
Be grateful that you got a woman there and she likes whatever she's eating and you provided
00:37:34.360
Have, I like what you said now that you're, we're hashing it out a little bit, have some
00:37:39.420
gratitude and stop focusing on that or even laugh at it.
00:37:44.520
Maybe it, maybe it just becomes funny and it's like, you know, it's never going to change
00:37:47.980
and I don't care at this point because it's not a deal breaker for me.
00:37:51.080
And so we just laugh about it and we tease each other about it and that's it.
00:37:55.220
But those are choices that I think human beings can make and should make if they want a long
00:37:59.960
term relationship, finding a person who will do that and being that kind of person to your
00:38:10.520
Steven Ragger, what made you switch from not journaling to journaling?
00:38:16.000
What have you found to be some of the benefits now that you're, you are on, now that you
00:38:26.860
Um, just heartbreak, like just, that was the switch.
00:38:36.860
I mean, just being miserable, you know, and just getting your thoughts out and, and not
00:38:41.780
having really like very many people I thought I could turn to.
00:38:44.960
And even the ones I could, I didn't ever want to like bombard them all the time with all
00:38:48.420
my thoughts, any given day, that's not sustainable or even respectful to somebody in your life.
00:38:58.100
I think the problem when we, when we don't get these thoughts out is they just bouncing
00:39:07.320
around in our brain as an echo chamber and they become worse and bigger.
00:39:14.160
When you put a snowball at the top of the hill and you roll it down, it's going to start picking
00:39:20.720
When it gets down to the bottom of the hill, instead of being six, six, six inches around,
00:39:29.040
It's a way bigger problem because we just let it roll on and bounce around in our brain.
00:39:36.820
I, I tend to be more of an anxious attachment style.
00:39:47.480
So it's best for me to vocalize my thoughts, which is part of the reason I really like doing
00:39:53.120
this podcast because I can vocalize my thoughts.
00:39:56.860
And in the absence of being able to vocalize it, journaling has proven to be pretty valuable.
00:40:02.460
And usually when I write it down, it diffuses whatever I'm feeling or experiencing.
00:40:07.660
And it makes it a little bit more objective rather than subjective.
00:40:13.580
And I less likely to take it as personal and just look at it as more logical data points
00:40:21.380
or information that will help me improve my life.
00:40:24.800
And I've also had lots of scenarios where I write it down.
00:40:30.360
Like that is a silly thing to be bothered by or upset with.
00:40:33.460
Or, and that's great because we all have a tendency of getting worked up.
00:40:39.340
Well, that's the benefit of conversations with people.
00:40:41.820
How many times does that happen where you go have a conversation with a buddy?
00:40:52.360
Like now that I said it, I already know what I need to do.
00:40:56.700
Or that was dumb and silly, but it's weird until then.
00:41:00.740
And it's all meaningful and it's all so serious in our own heads until we put it back on paper
00:41:10.880
You know, what's also interesting about it too, is I go back through my journal periodically.
00:41:14.440
And so I've looked at entries from a year and a half, two years ago.
00:41:22.800
You know, when you're in the middle of something, something tragic, something difficult,
00:41:26.360
something challenging, it's not easy to see a longer term perspective on it.
00:41:40.220
In the grand scheme of things, whatever you're going through, I don't want to be dismissive
00:41:45.020
But for the most part, the issues that we're dealing with, financial constraints, breakdowns
00:41:50.320
and relationships, job loss, like that stuff will get better, but it's not, it doesn't
00:42:02.640
It's hard to see the label when you're in the jar.
00:42:08.040
It just, I don't know, for whatever reason that resonates with me.
00:42:18.460
You know what else is cool though about the journaling thing is let's say you're going
00:42:25.700
Well, this isn't the first time you ever went through that.
00:42:28.900
So you can actually go back into your journal and find the time where you were dealing with
00:42:33.920
that from before and actually look at it as a very powerful tool for improvement and getting
00:42:41.580
through the hard times because you've done it before.
00:42:47.540
And there might be some pointers in there that you need to remind yourself of that you
00:42:50.860
learned two or five or 10 years ago to apply today.
00:42:57.120
Elijah Elliott, what are some common signs that you might be overworking ourselves without
00:43:04.000
How can I, how can we tell when we're pushing ourselves too hard and need to slow down?
00:43:08.340
When men are overworked, they do one of several things.
00:43:19.520
They become impatient and they start to disengage and isolate.
00:43:24.860
So if you've noticed, or even somebody else, maybe you haven't noticed it, maybe somebody else in
00:43:31.340
your life has noticed that you are more irritable than before, you might be overworked.
00:43:37.280
You might be burnt out or at least getting there.
00:43:39.860
If you notice yourself disengaging from certain activities, certain people, that's a concern that
00:43:49.280
there's an issue in the relationship or in the project that you're working on.
00:43:57.760
But yes, when you're agitated, irritated, distant, distracted, maybe even procrastination,
00:44:05.540
those are all warning signs of being burned up and burned out.
00:44:11.260
You know, so you get present to it and then what?
00:44:17.020
Then you have to go through your schedule and figure out what needs to go.
00:44:31.220
I had a conversation this morning with somebody and said, I'm not going to do that this year,
00:44:42.720
But I cannot do it if I want to maintain my sanity.
00:44:48.100
So you go through your schedule and you look at what you're doing, what you've committed
00:44:55.420
So maybe in two weeks you have a thing coming up and you're so stressed out about it.
00:44:59.720
Okay, well, get through the thing and then don't take on anymore when the thing is done
00:45:06.960
Find out how you're spending your time, your resources, your energy, because it could be
00:45:13.240
You could feel like you're not making ends meet because you're just spending all sorts
00:45:24.260
Figure out where the pull is, what's causing that, and eliminate.
00:45:32.720
Some things, just getting them done is going to feel better.
00:45:42.260
Delegate other things and stop saying yes to so much.
00:45:46.440
I feel like my biggest issue, and I've shared this before, but like my biggest issue is that
00:45:59.860
And after all of these things I need to get done today, tomorrow will be, you know, not
00:46:07.100
And I just, and I realized like a lot of the stuff that I've prioritized aren't that critical.
00:46:17.020
And if I don't prioritize and put things in the rightful place today, then I never will.
00:46:33.760
And so maybe, you know, Elijah, maybe operate the same way I do.
00:46:37.720
Don't fall into that trap because it's never going to be ending.
00:46:41.920
It's never going to end, you know, some of the chaos and the busyness, you know.
00:46:47.100
Not only is it not going to be better tomorrow, it's going to be worse because you're not doing
00:46:51.340
the skills required to have a different type of life.
00:46:59.520
I think the average of the amount of time people lose in the lottery is four to five years.
00:47:04.100
They win and then they lose everything they won in a matter of four to five years.
00:47:08.580
And what we tend to think, and you'll hear this from a lot of people, even in housing for
00:47:14.540
those who are less fortunate, let's say, we'll just give everybody a house.
00:47:21.820
Just like giving a broke person $10 million is not going to solve the issue.
00:47:29.860
The problem with their finances is financial literacy.
00:47:33.560
The problem with the house is, might be financially, financial literacy.
00:47:42.380
There's things that need to be addressed first.
00:47:44.640
There should be reasons why they don't have that money.
00:47:47.340
And if you give it to everybody, they'll lose it as quickly as you gave it to them because
00:47:55.540
And so if you're overwhelmed today and you think, well, tomorrow or next year, this will
00:48:04.460
You, not only did you not learn the new skills, you actually compiled all the things from today
00:48:09.680
and the rest of the 364 days of your life onto the same day next year.
00:48:15.260
So it'll actually be twice as worse next year if you don't correct the behavior now.
00:48:27.520
Will Luna, we're going to jump over to Facebook.
00:48:30.400
Let's take a couple on these, Kip, just for time, for the sake of time.
00:48:34.600
How to earn back trust of your children when you've broken it.
00:48:42.680
However, my daughter is still holding it against me four months later.
00:48:49.700
And I asked some clarifying questions and he clarified on here.
00:48:52.320
So since he clarified, I'm assuming he's okay with us sharing it.
00:48:55.740
I think he had a situation with his daughter where she was maybe giving some backtalk or
00:49:04.540
And I think he said to like put his hand over her mouth and told her to shut up or it was
00:49:10.060
Stop running your mouth, I think is what he said.
00:49:18.160
Obviously, you know that you should not have done that.
00:49:23.240
You know, this is not the end of the world and you're not an abusive person.
00:49:26.940
I think you just got overheated just like I have, just like all of us have.
00:49:32.280
And I would say the first thing is you need to be very clear about it.
00:49:38.040
It also sounds like your daughter moved back home on a full-time basis with her mom, your
00:49:47.000
And I'm actually going through a similar thing with my daughter.
00:49:52.260
And I wish I could tell you I have all the answers.
00:50:00.800
And I lost a lot of trust with the kids over the past couple of years just based on my own
00:50:11.320
And the things that I'm trying are to be more engaged, to be more patient with her because
00:50:23.280
To be more understanding of what she's going through, to listen better to what she has to
00:50:30.540
I'm learning that she just, all kids, just want to be heard and seen.
00:50:37.580
Like, like they're an important component of the family.
00:50:43.840
So I don't have answers for you other than be diligent, be steadfast, be patient.
00:50:55.300
And let's find out what they're interested in, communicate them with them appropriately
00:51:04.600
Don't cross over boundaries that she might have right now.
00:51:09.860
Don't just sprinkle it in on occasion, but also don't lose any opportunity for fun together.
00:51:16.960
I think in times like these, at least I do have a tendency of taking everything way too
00:51:24.660
And then I end up driving greater wedges between me and other people.
00:51:28.140
Serious conversations need to take place, of course, but also be lighthearted and have
00:51:35.020
fun and joke and play and do fun things together outside of the other conversations that will
00:51:47.780
It was probably the thing that pushed everything else over the edge.
00:51:51.780
And I would also spend some time thinking about what are the other issues, the underlying
00:51:57.480
issues, not the putting your hand over her mouth and telling her to stop running her mouth.
00:52:04.340
And I'd question whether or not you've considered or contemplated what that might be.
00:52:10.420
You know, I'm picking this up a little bit in Will's question, and maybe this is more
00:52:19.400
But there are times where we have relationships where all that we can do is double down on
00:52:27.620
making sure the way that we show up in the relationship is the correct way.
00:52:33.320
And whether it is being received right away or not by them, let it go.
00:52:38.280
Because sometimes the expectation of like, oh, she still has this issue.
00:52:44.740
It will almost like become the issue because you have this expectation that it shouldn't
00:52:50.800
When in reality, sometimes these things take a while.
00:52:55.620
And I've found power in my life when I just go, hey, how do I need to be showing up day
00:53:02.800
in and day out, agnostic of how they receive it?
00:53:07.760
Whether they trust me, love me or not, how do I need to be showing up?
00:53:12.260
And I just do that and ride it and find satisfaction.
00:53:19.580
Maybe find some, I don't know, momentum in the fact that I'm at least doing my part well
00:53:26.580
and realizing that things just take time and letting go of the expectation of where she's
00:53:34.080
at and realizing that that will come on her own terms at her own timeline and it may not
00:53:52.760
And last night I took the family out to dinner.
00:53:56.760
And like I said, my daughter and I have been struggling in our relationship.
00:54:04.580
Keep running your mouth and this is, we're going to keep doing this.
00:54:15.240
But I asked her, I said, hey, like, I can't remember exactly what I said, but I asked
00:54:28.240
And she said, she said something that kind of, that stung, but it was a little bit of a
00:54:34.260
She said, I don't like talking with you about my problems.
00:54:46.620
And I think in a moment of clarity, I decided I'm not going to push on this actually right
00:54:53.100
I'm not going to ask her why and grill her because she just said she doesn't like talking
00:54:58.220
So if I'm saying, well, why, what, what's the problem?
00:55:03.940
And I think in a moment of clarity last night, a very brief moment of clarity, I said, hey,
00:55:14.440
There's been times where I haven't wanted to talk with my parents or friends, whether it's
00:55:20.040
because of something personal or because I'm mad.
00:55:28.300
That's the only conversation we had right there.
00:55:32.240
We were at a hibachi grill and we enjoyed ourselves and it was great.
00:55:37.060
That part stung a little, but it was good because she'd never said that before.
00:55:45.600
This time she said, I don't like talking with you about my problems.
00:55:52.460
Well, and the probability, because you handle that way, the probability of her feeling
00:55:57.500
like she can talk to you about problems just increased because she just gave you a stinger
00:56:10.440
He's just curious about your hunting trip to Texas.
00:56:14.780
We didn't see a lot of pigs, unfortunately, but got it done on the second day.
00:56:21.360
Jeremy, I was with Jeremy, Jay and John is who I was with.
00:56:30.340
And then Greg Ray, he, him and I were sitting in the, in the blind together on the, the second
00:56:34.820
morning and two pigs came out and it's so crazy.
00:56:37.880
I was out there for four or five days and we put three or four hours in, in the stands
00:56:42.880
morning and then another three or four hours in the afternoon.
00:56:45.460
So it's like six to eight hours every day for five days of sitting.
00:56:53.180
The pig came out and was out probably for 45 seconds before I shot it, shot it.
00:57:06.720
I took the bigger of the two sows, shot, shot the one, I shot her in the head.
00:57:11.340
She dropped right where, right where I shot her.
00:57:14.820
And the whole thing took 50 seconds, a minute, maybe tops.
00:57:20.060
But it took a week leading up to the 50 seconds.
00:57:28.400
Let's see, Jay, Jay and Jeremy both got a pig and Johnny, unfortunately, he didn't even
00:57:39.920
But yeah, we go with an organization, a good friend of mine, his name's Greg Ray, but he
00:57:46.820
And if you guys want to look into getting into hunting, it is a great option for getting into
00:57:55.140
We do firearms, long range, zero rifles in on day one, that afternoon that we get there.
00:58:02.980
And then when we kill our animals, we actually have a professional chef and he teaches us how
00:58:09.040
to break the animal down properly, what cuts are what, how to cook the cuts.
00:58:16.580
In this case, we didn't do it this time, but normally we help prepare the meal and present
00:58:22.180
It's a really cool way to do a hunt, especially, I think, if you're a brand new hunter and you
00:58:29.040
This is a very, it's a very professional, well-run event that's going to give you a high probability
00:58:49.420
And you're in like a tree stand, like an elevated stand of some sort?
00:58:56.240
So if, if guys don't know what a box blind is, it's, I mean, it's what it sounds like.
00:59:01.800
It's about six feet by five feet and it's got window slats all the way around.
00:59:07.400
And yeah, we're about, yeah, I'd say 80 to 90 yards.
00:59:12.680
I was really happy with my shot because on pigs, they're so tough.
00:59:16.560
If you shoot them behind the shoulder, like you might with a deer, for example, they're,
00:59:22.960
they're the rate of you finding a pig is drops relative to finding a deer.
00:59:28.440
Even if you make a good shot behind the shoulder.
00:59:42.340
So Greg teaches us to shoot the pigs in the head because they just, either you miss or they drop.
00:59:49.440
And also you get to preserve more meat rather than hitting them in the shoulder.
00:59:54.320
You're going to blow out their shoulder or ruin, ruin some meat.
01:00:07.100
I mean, what's, what's our call to action, sir?
01:00:10.420
I would say we've, we've got, we've got about 60 people coming out to the event in May,
01:00:17.200
So if you're interested, um, we made some changes that I think are actually going to
01:00:21.020
be good changes because it's a more, uh, intimate, close type event, as opposed to having more
01:00:28.980
Um, so I was a little disappointed in that with some things that happened with the event,
01:00:32.260
but I'm also pretty optimistic and excited about the, the guys that are coming.
01:00:36.720
Cause I think we're just going to put together a better event because of it.
01:00:42.320
If you go to themensforge.com, uh, you can get signed up for that.
01:00:48.960
And as always, uh, connect with Mickler on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.
01:00:57.400
I mean, I love Sean, but, uh, it's always good to chat with you.
01:01:02.480
I'm so grateful for you and for him, for him being able to come in and fill in when I'm
01:01:07.260
absent and for you just being steadfast, just being here every single week.
01:01:19.500
Friday, excuse me for our Friday field notes until then go out there, take action and become
01:01:28.860
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
01:01:31.720
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:01:35.520
We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.