Learning to Let Go, Never Offering Unsolicited Advice, and Getting Good at Saying, 'I Don't Know'' ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Summary
In this episode, I sit down with my good friend, Kip, to talk about what it means to be a man and why it's important to have a man in your life. Kip and I talk about the importance of being a man of action and how to be resilient when life knocks you down.
Transcript
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There's a very simple phrase that, Khaled, you should adopt in your life as potentially part of your mantra.
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So, Kip, your wife asked me about some questions, and my response is, I don't know.
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And learning to be okay with I don't know and I don't have the answers, and life is better.
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I have a better attitude, and my relationships are stronger, and I'm much more resilient and adaptable as things come up.
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Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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This is who you will become at the end of the day.
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And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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You didn't have enough of me over the weekend, so you decided you wanted to show up for another round here this morning, huh?
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I was just having some conversations about how often, well, when men connect and talk.
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And I don't really realize it because I'm a guy, so I don't realize it.
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And then it's like, well, what'd you talk about?
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You know, they find out about their dog's, you know, disease and illness and their kids
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and what they're dealing with and what crushes they have and who their bullies are and what
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their spouses are doing for work and what their work is like.
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And it's just hilarious the difference between men and women when it comes to how we converse.
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Well, I used to always joke around that on the jiu-jitsu mats, you get to know people
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The individual that's a little passive aggressive or maybe is even dealing with some stress in
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And for years, I would train and I'm like, oh, I really like this guy.
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And then my wife would ask me like, oh, does he have kids?
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But I know him, which is just wild to think about.
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I've heard it said best, if I could surmise it into one sentence, it's basically that men
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connect directionally, whereas women will connect relationally.
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So women will literally, if you see them conversing, they're literally sitting around something.
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Maybe it's a kitchen counter or they've got their chairs situated, or maybe they're on
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the couch and they're all looking at each other and it's around.
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Whereas men tend to be more linear, not only in the way that we line up, but also the way
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And we're either focusing on a common enemy or towards a common objective.
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Men figure things out by doing and women figure things out by being.
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And that is that more men, especially those guys who don't feel like they have anybody in
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their lives, need to stop focusing on how do I build relationships the way a woman would
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and start engaging in life, whether it's jujitsu or the gym or a business conference or something
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like our brotherhood, the Iron Council, where they have accountability.
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You're going to build friendship and camaraderie and accountability with men, but you're going
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to do it in a way that men do it, which is going to resonate more deeply with you, which
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ultimately leads to a lessening of frustration when it comes to male friendships and connection.
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Too many guys are trying to do it like women, and then they're frustrated, obviously, because
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And they're like, well, see, you can't find any guys to do life with.
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Just do it correctly, and you'll have much more success.
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Well, I mean, just think about through our pasts, how many times have you built strong
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The answer is always, whether it's running or race together.
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I mean, it's where you kind of learn about the individual and how they show up in life,
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and if you align or not, is kind of how they play the game or how they run, the kind of
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You know, one of the things that I think about, and then we'll get to some questions, is for
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most men, male camaraderie and brotherhood ends after high school sports or military service.
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So, and there might be some that happens maybe in college, in a fraternity, something like
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But outside of that, that all ends once you become an adult or once you finish your military
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I would say LEOs in general, because they're dealing with difficult circumstances that
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require men to band together in the act of doing.
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But yeah, I mean, unless you're diligent about creating those connections outside of those
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few arenas, you're probably going to do life alone, and that's part of the reason you're
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not feeling the way you ought to feel or want to feel.
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Well, and that's, I mean, this is why the Iron Council is so awesome, right?
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In which we're going to fill the questions from.
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What are you doing daily to strengthen your faith?
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I, and people say, are you struggling in your faith?
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I believe that I have a divine purpose for being on this earth, but I don't, and maybe
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Some of those just seem like primary answers is what we would call them, where it's like
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But as far as above and beyond that, I don't really have a practice that I feel deeply connected
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And then I would say on the second part of that question, whenever anybody says they want
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Listen, you probably recognize things that you could see in me, whether it's a lack of
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patience or maybe I'm agitated or maybe you don't even agree with a particular stance I
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have on a topic and you want to pray to open my mind to new possibilities or new insight.
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I don't really have any pressing concerns that fortunately, knock on wood, that I feel
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You know, and I love, and George, you have to say this, right?
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We don't go out of our way enough to like pray on behalf of other people, or at least
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I think it's wild, but maybe it's not that wild, but I've since joining the IC, I remember
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years ago, maybe I'm old man here wanting to do my storytelling.
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So years ago, we would have a main event and, um, I probably presented on something, right?
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So there, some guys probably felt like there was some form of connection, right?
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Through the conversation and towards the end of the event, a particular individual came
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up to me, walked up to me, put his hands on my, on my head and just started praying for
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Just walked up to me, put his hands on my head and prayed out loud.
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And, and I loved it because why I felt loved, I felt appreciated.
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I felt like this person was, was just not just speaking on my behalf, but was also speaking
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And, and maybe that's what the world needs a little bit more of is people praying for
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And in worst case, it's, it's just so they have peace of mind.
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Maybe them realizing their, their divine potential, um, and, and helping each other, uh, show up
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And I mean, what did that just be nice if we all had that mindset?
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Well, I like the, um, and I hope it didn't come across as like, I, I like, I'm receptive
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So I hope it didn't come across to George as if I'm not.
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And I, and I might, you asked me next week and I might, you know, maybe something happens
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to one of my kids or I'm dealing with something that I need some, some additional prayers
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I don't right now, but you know, the other thing I wanted to say and just articulate a
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little bit more, and I think this is underscored in the story you just shared, men are assertive
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It's recognizing, acknowledging, and then doing.
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And so this gentleman who came up to you after the event, he recognized something.
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I don't know what he prayed for or prayed over you, but he obviously recognized something
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and he felt so inspired and compelled that he just went and did it without your permission.
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Now, if you're going to touch other men, make sure it's somewhat appropriate before, you
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know, getting their permission, you know, if it's a non jujitsu guy, yeah, ask first, but
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Maybe it was after the jujitsu class and he felt comfortable touching you, you know, so
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But, you know, I think the point is, I agree with what you said about maybe we do need more
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men praying over and for people, and maybe we also need men who say, you know what, I'm
00:11:02.080
Here's what I think you need, and I'm going to pray for this on your behalf.
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I actually have two friends who I talk with once every month or two over the phone, and
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every time I talk with them, when we're done, I'm like, hey, good to talk with you.
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And they pray for me and with me on the phone, and it's always welcomed.
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A lot of the times it's pretty generic if I'm being honest, but occasionally there's
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something where they really see that I've had a couple experiences where they've said
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something, I'm like, well, how did they know about that?
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Or how did they know I was confronting that or dealing with a situation?
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Because it's not anything I was vocal about, I think that's part of the inspiration that
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comes when we're open and receptive to the Spirit, and then have a willingness and desire
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You know, to answer George's question just really quick, you know, daily strength, you
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know what I've found is, and I steal this from you, right?
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The quality of your life is determined by the questions you ask, right?
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And so if I'm feasting on Scripture, I'm going to find answers to questions, and they're
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going to be through the conduit of gospel principles.
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Now, if I'm also asking questions, but I'm feasting elsewhere, guess where I'm going to
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So it matters what fruit you're eating along with the questions you have, right?
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And some of them may be more inspired and less beneficial, right?
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Depending on where I'm feasting or getting information from.
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And so I'm definitely in a place in my life where gospel principles and Scripture study,
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I find highly enlightening because I'm finding truth in it in whatever it is that I'm doing.
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I once heard garbage in, garbage out, and I think that's exactly what you're saying.
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You can't make something wonderful out of horrible material.
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All right, John Davies, with your marathon, Ryan, coming up in November, what new insights
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I mean, spoken like a true runner, asking me what insights and it's like, I don't know,
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We've known each other for a decade at this point.
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But no, this is not an enjoyable experience for me, okay?
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Stop trying to make it sound like I'm going to enjoy it.
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Okay, let me think about this here for a second.
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Physical insights I'm learning is my electrolytes are off.
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I think my hydration is not where it needs to be.
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My electrolyte intake is not where it needs to be.
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And then also my nutrition, which I've really been focused on over the past 30 days or so.
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And I'm down five pounds right now from a nutrition perspective, not from anything else,
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Another thing that's been insightful is I'm just amazed what the human body can do.
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You know, you can look at people and there are some outliers, but you can look at people
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And in my mind, I was like, I stopped for a second.
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Like what about the way that he moved made me think that he did jujitsu?
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And what was interesting is I was walking and he turned around.
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So I knew, I knew it was even corroborated even more.
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But what that tells me is that the human body is capable of some amazing things.
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And the adaptability that we have when it comes to building cardio, stamina, muscle, flexibility, fill in the blank with your exercise of choice is actually really incredible.
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And that gives me hope that although I probably will never be an ultra endurance athlete, mostly because I have no desire to be, I can actually make myself better and more capable in a physical way than I've ever been before.
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And that is, that is inspiring to me because it shows me, even gives me a glimpse of what is possible and what I've left on the table up to this point, which is pretty crazy to think about too.
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So the other insight is that I, you know, I, I, I am finding a little bit of joy in some music, 80s classic rock.
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Mostly when I get running, I find a good beat and that actually helps me get through some things.
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Um, yeah, being able to run without music is not a thing for me.
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It reduced the noise of that internal dialogue of why am I doing this?
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I have always heard a great quote that, um, the difference between a runner and someone that doesn't consider themselves a runner is the, um, runner doesn't listen to the voice.
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They don't listen to the voice of why am I doing this?
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It's, it's just about going another mile, another mile, another mile.
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And then when I get up there, I'm like, no, I'll stop up there.
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I think it's attributed to, it says, and I, and I don't have this memorized, but I'm just pulling it up.
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No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training.
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It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which the body is capable.
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And I'm trying to find ways to push outside of what is currently comfortable for me into new arenas.
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Not because I have a great desire to do it necessarily, but I just want to see if I can.
00:17:38.880
I have a hard time letting things go in all categories, emotionally detaching from people
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in life, girl that I'm hung up, hung up on who I used to be with recently.
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And we work together and also letting go of things that I know are overwhelming me on my
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An example of this is writing my first battle plan.
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I'm having a hard time choosing a couple objectives and tactics where in reality, there are several
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areas I want to improve in, which are all in my vision.
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So I really think when it comes to the battle plan or planning in general, just doing life
00:18:26.960
Sometimes, if you were to look at the spectrum of that, I'm an overdoer.
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So I will think less about doing things than maybe I ought to, just by default.
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So for me, what that ends up doing is sometimes I can leave a little bit of a wake of collateral
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damage in my path because I don't take into consideration how other people might be impacted
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Sometimes I end up spending more time and money and energy than needed because I don't really
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I just wing it and figure it out along the way.
00:19:00.060
And my natural inclination is to say, well, I'd rather lose a little bit of money or time
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actively working towards something than lose a lot of money and time not working towards
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So I've never been really much of an overthinker.
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And then on the other side of the scale, you have overthinkers.
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Yeah, they run the risk of spending too much time on something and never doing it.
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And then ultimately, the way I see it, and you correct me if I'm wrong, Kip, because you're
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saying self-proclaimed overthinker, is then you never have a product or a service or a
00:19:40.880
thing, even if it's a mission or a movement or a message, to share with anybody.
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So nobody benefits from your insight, from your hard work, from your diligence.
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What a shame that you have so many wonderful ideas and so much potential and it's all trapped
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inside because I was going to say you're being selfish.
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I don't think most people are being selfish, at least consciously, but I do think there's
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some selfishness in that because you're afraid.
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You want to make sure it's perfect so you don't look like a fool.
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I have a few others, but I'd love to hear your take on that.
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So the other day, me, you, and Matt were coming back from the gym when we talked about
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And one of the words that I said was the word heuristic.
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I love that word because it's the word I need to remind myself about that, that I don't
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And it's arrogant of me to assume that I can plan the thing that's outside my realm of
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understanding that requires action on my part to learn.
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So to his question specifically, you're not, you know, we use the analogy of some,
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Until I get over the first ridge, I don't know.
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And, and to think that I know the route up the mountain analytically is, is a little arrogant
00:21:12.980
The reality of it is, is I can plan all I want, but until I take action, until I get to the
00:21:18.900
first ridge, I'm not in a space of true knowledge and wisdom to be able to get to the summit of
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And that's why I love that word so much, because it's a reminder to myself that Kip, you can
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plan all you want, but your plan's not true because it's based upon your current level of
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And you need a heightened level of understanding require, which requires some action on your
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And so that's, that's where I push back against my natural tendency of overanalyzing.
00:21:51.300
And, and to your point, the overanalyzer and it, it, it stops us from progressing, right?
00:22:03.680
Yes, but it's, I got to be quicker in taking action and a little bit slower with the perfect
00:22:09.900
And also realize to your point, Ryan, what, what's that found in perfection?
00:22:15.940
Like sometimes perfection is about who progress yourself.
00:22:21.740
I had a coach tell me years ago, it was a really good example.
00:22:28.820
And, and I'm like, I have this ultimate curriculum for leadership.
00:22:32.440
And I, I presented the summary to him and he looks at it and he says, Kip, is it complete?
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So you have a choice, have it be perfect or have it be used, but you can't do both.
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Because it is so large and so complex that no one will listen to you.
00:23:01.080
So good job building something perfect that will have minimal adoption or is your objective
00:23:24.600
The badge of the perfect or was it about causing change in people?
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And those two things were in conflict with one another.
00:23:35.100
I mean, I think that's well said, you know, at the end of the day, I think somebody like
00:23:38.740
yourself and maybe Khaled, who's an overthinker.
00:23:41.680
Maybe it sounds like based on what he's saying needs to stop thinking as much.
00:23:57.620
And then in 91 days, you can pick the other one if you want, or you can double down on
00:24:01.700
the one you're currently doing if that one's resonating with you.
00:24:07.320
That's easy for me to say as an overdoer, but as an overdoer, I need to stop and start
00:24:16.600
One other thing I want to say about this is I really was, was afflicted with this issue.
00:24:22.280
Um, and I've been working through it for the past several years of wanting to control
00:24:27.320
everything, like making sure that everything was within my control.
00:24:31.780
And I had all the variables figured out and lined out.
00:24:39.140
And I wanted people to behave the way I wanted them to behave.
00:24:44.100
And I wanted, you know, no bad things to happen.
00:24:47.100
I was driving down the road the other day from a trip and, uh, my tire blew out.
00:24:52.760
And I think three years ago, I would have lost my shit because it, it made me late and
00:24:57.400
I was supposed to pick up my kids and then I couldn't pick them up on time.
00:25:00.860
And, and this time it was like, yeah, you know, don't get me wrong.
00:25:05.580
I don't want to change a tire on the highway, but I got it done.
00:25:08.100
And there was a, uh, a highway patrol officer who actually pulled over and blocked a little
00:25:13.640
But, you know, all of that was out outside of my control and it's fine.
00:25:17.760
And I've learned to let go of the things that are not within my control.
00:25:24.880
There's a very simple phrase that Khaled, you should adopt in your life as potentially
00:25:40.700
So Kip, your wife was asking me about my ex-wife, uh, over the weekend.
00:25:49.820
And she asked me about some questions and my response is, I don't know.
00:25:55.860
And she, and she said, well, I wonder why I'm, I, I don't know.
00:26:07.140
And I've learned to be, I've learned to be okay with that.
00:26:11.060
Another scenario I might think about when it comes to the, I don't know is, um, you're
00:26:16.120
laughing because you, you know, these conversations, but another scenario is, you know, like a lot
00:26:25.880
So you and I planned a trip with our families to the lake this weekend and it would have
00:26:30.320
been very easy to say, well, what if the weather doesn't hold out?
00:26:34.520
I guess we'll confront that and deal with it when it happens.
00:26:39.460
But barring some catastrophic event, Khaled, I know you, you're smart enough.
00:26:52.600
And so this woman who's, it sounds like works at the office with him, maybe stop trying
00:26:59.360
to pigeonhole that relationship into what you want it to be and just say, you know what?
00:27:10.780
Maybe somebody else comes to the office, maybe whatever.
00:27:13.120
And learning to be okay with, I don't know and I don't have the answers and just embracing
00:27:25.480
Like the curiosity of not knowing what's going to happen instead of trying to control everything.
00:27:33.220
And that's not easy for me to say because I am a control freak.
00:27:36.460
But I'll tell you, it's been liberating and life is better.
00:27:39.820
I have a better attitude and my relationships are stronger and I'm much more resilient and
00:27:47.440
I have to say this because I just had a breakthrough in my own thought process.
00:27:51.140
Because the value of I don't know is you stop the internal dialogue of like festering on it.
00:28:01.440
When I hear about hung up on someone, the hung up is the constant internal interpretations
00:28:09.560
and guests and stories and meaning of, oh, she did this.
00:28:15.720
And you trying to figure out conclusion to things versus she looked at me this way.
00:28:28.700
The mental jujitsu of guessing and it's all made up anyway.
00:28:37.840
And maybe that's that I don't know is a form of kind of letting go.
00:28:41.600
Just like I'm not going to waste brain cycles trying to guess and possibly create a perception
00:28:48.360
that is not true, that drives my behaviors, that will create a confirmation bias in regards
00:29:10.060
There's some power in the, I actually don't know.
00:29:19.100
And so we as humans have these little things that we do, these little tricks to protect
00:29:24.380
And for me, that manifested as black and white thinking, meaning it's either this or that.
00:29:30.720
People who listen to the podcast for any amount of time know it's either this or that.
00:29:36.620
Um, the other one that manifests for me is catastrophizing.
00:29:40.700
So an example of that, like Khaled's talking about, or what you said is, well, she looked
00:29:46.480
And so what you think is, oh, she must be mad at me.
00:29:50.140
She must feel sorry for me because she found a new boyfriend or she's cheating on me.
00:29:54.220
And like you create this weird story that has no basis in reality.
00:29:58.220
And all it could have been is that she was like walking by and maybe she had some flatulence
00:30:04.760
So she didn't rip one as she walked by your door.
00:30:08.960
It could have been that just as easily as it could have been the story you conjured up
00:30:13.980
And so when she looks at you that way, you don't need to make a story about it.
00:30:25.260
All right, Tony Erzy, man, I hate hanging up on his question really quick, but like
00:30:35.120
Which is the system by which we use in the Iron Council.
00:30:39.360
And we have battle planners, which is the kind of the planner that we use back to what
00:30:46.400
he's talking about to track our objectives and our tactics.
00:30:50.200
You can get those at orderofman.com in the store.
00:30:55.260
Um, we have inventory for those if you want to purchase them.
00:31:00.980
In fact, I just transferred to a new insert because I just ran out of pages in the other
00:31:17.980
And I put the dates to and from dates and they're all stacked up right there.
00:31:24.180
Today, I spent some time with a close friend who is 91 and knows that his time here on earth
00:31:31.080
He has lived a life well lived as a man and, and as a believer and is ready to go home.
00:31:36.580
His words reminded me of what the apostle Paul said in second Timothy chapter four verses
00:31:42.820
seven through eight, that he has fought the good fight, kept the faith and is ready to
00:31:50.980
What are the one to two things that are important to you and would summarize your life that you
00:31:56.520
would want to be able to say when you reach the end of your time on earth?
00:32:04.860
I don't know that I heard, I've heard that scripture before, but ready to receive the crown
00:32:16.500
You know, I have been asked this question in the past.
00:32:19.840
What I would want to be known for is that I was a man who was willing to take action or
00:32:26.240
take risk in pursuit of what was meaningful to me.
00:32:29.920
I don't, I don't think that there's any, I shouldn't say that.
00:32:34.280
I don't know if there's anything greater than being able to do that.
00:32:38.340
And I, and I feel like if I have an idea or a thought in my mind, as long as it's righteous
00:32:45.340
and ethical and moral and legal, if I have that thought in my mind, then I have a moral
00:32:56.840
If there's a business idea that I have, and again, moral, right, righteous, ethical, legal,
00:33:07.840
If there's a relationship that I want to develop and build, then I have a moral obligation to
00:33:12.620
I have a moral obligation to take risks towards the things that are meaningful and significant
00:33:16.120
because I don't feel like it would be put in my heart or in my soul if I wasn't meant
00:33:23.440
Now, I will tell you that it may not be the final destination and I'm well aware of that,
00:33:29.740
but some decisions that I've had in life have gotten me on the path to what maybe still isn't
00:33:37.660
You know, for example, with this podcast, I started with another podcast when I was doing
00:33:41.260
financial planning and that started from recording my very first presentation I did with prospects
00:33:48.600
That morphed into a podcast, which then morphed into this podcast, which then morphed into doing
00:33:54.460
this for 10 years, all because I had the moral conviction to follow through on something,
00:33:59.940
even though it felt weird or I didn't have the time or I didn't know how to do it or people
00:34:05.580
would think I'm dumb, which is all things that came up.
00:34:09.540
So I think for me, it's that, is that if I have a righteous, moral, ethical, legal idea
00:34:17.300
in my head, then I have an obligation to pursue it.
00:34:20.320
And I want people to look at me and say, yeah, he did it.
00:34:28.360
He went towards something that he thought was important.
00:34:30.060
Yeah, more and more for me, I have realized that a life of fulfillment and meaning is found
00:34:50.200
Are they better off for me being part of their life?
00:34:53.540
Are they, do they realize how amazing they are because of how I showed up as a father?
00:35:02.820
Did I serve the people I had a chance to work with?
00:35:06.640
Did I create the environment for them to see their divine potential and to grow in ways that
00:35:15.700
And, and so I, I think in the end, right, like that, that's the ultimate reflection for me
00:35:24.020
Did, did I serve humanity, my family, my, my siblings, my spouse, my, and, and the other
00:35:35.580
Did I not act when I know I probably should have act?
00:35:40.060
Did I foster a relationship that I probably should have?
00:35:48.060
You know, you know, Kip, when you were saying that one thing that came to mind, a little
00:35:51.520
bit of a tangent, but when you said, did I have the courage to act another way that,
00:35:56.620
that I think manifests for myself and a lot of guys probably listening is making sure that
00:36:04.520
So if you slighted somebody or took advantage of somebody or wrong somebody, um, or even said
00:36:11.680
something in anger to one of your kids, maybe it was fairly benign, but still you could tell
00:36:17.920
Part of acting is correcting situations when we screw up.
00:36:21.480
And one of the questions that Kip, you and I get all the time is how do I move on from this?
00:36:29.720
Part of that is putting a period at the end of the sentence.
00:36:32.820
You can't complete the sentence until you put the punctuation on it.
00:36:36.780
And sometimes the punctuation with your life is, I'm sorry.
00:36:43.860
Here's what I'm going to do different moving forward.
00:36:45.780
And then doing that, building that as you move forward.
00:36:49.060
Um, that's, that's one thing I think often guys overlook and something I think more of
00:37:13.360
At what point in order of man's history, did you realize that you were all in on this
00:37:22.980
So I started this in 2015 as a side, it's 10 years, 10 years ago is a long time.
00:37:34.520
I remember recording podcasts in my financial planning office in between appointments.
00:37:44.280
I'd get up really early and work an hour or two on order of man.
00:37:46.800
And then I'd go do my financial planning stuff.
00:37:48.620
And then I'd come home, uh, hang out with my kids, eat dinner with the family.
00:37:53.000
And then I'd go back to working for a couple hours in the evening.
00:37:57.280
And my ex-wife at the time, probably six or seven months into it said, Hey, you know,
00:38:03.800
You seem like you're doing a really good thing with order of man.
00:38:06.520
I like that you're motivated, inspired by it, but it's taking away from the family household
00:38:13.200
And it was, it definitely was, um, because I was doing it more and more than I was doing
00:38:19.440
And she said, you probably ought to scale back or have some boundaries or figure out a way
00:38:23.540
And to myself at the time, I thought, well, I'm not scaling back.
00:38:28.900
So I got to figure out how to make some money and I'll spare you that story for another day.
00:38:34.660
And I started to make a little bit of money doing this, offering insight and coaching
00:38:39.200
and groups and things like that events to, to the men who were, who were listening.
00:38:44.860
Um, and then I remember going to my ex-wife and saying, Hey, I think I really want to
00:38:48.560
sell the business, the financial planning business.
00:38:52.160
And even I was saying that, like I had this conflicting thought of sell the business,
00:39:02.800
Um, not without her blessing, of course, but we had a lot of conversations about me selling
00:39:10.620
I knew I was going to go in, but I didn't go all in until my back was against the wall.
00:39:15.020
Until you're like, and we're not going to make the mortgage if I don't really do this well.
00:39:23.960
I don't want to say I burned the boats because I don't think that would paint it accurately
00:39:27.640
because I don't encourage or advocate for men to do that, especially if they have a mortgage
00:39:37.840
Um, I was in the fortunate position, not lucky, but fortunate position because I built up
00:39:44.300
a successful financial planning business where I could sell that to another advisor who I
00:39:49.340
got into the business about nine years earlier with.
00:39:54.420
And it was a, if I remember correctly, we did a small lump sum up front and then it was a
00:40:08.480
And I remember going into him, man, probably two or three years into it.
00:40:12.380
And I said, Hey, look, I'm moving the family across the country to Maine.
00:40:16.360
And I could really use the additional funds to be able to secure the house and get everything
00:40:24.600
And he said, okay, well, what are you thinking?
00:40:26.280
And I said, I'll give you an even greater discounted price if you just buy the rest of
00:40:32.580
And in those moments, you realize like how much you believe in yourself because I was willing
00:40:39.700
to take less money than what he owed me in order to make that dream work.
00:40:45.220
And I think, I think we would all do well to ask ourselves if we'd be willing to do something
00:40:53.480
Would you be willing to sell your current business to go chase something meaningful and
00:40:59.800
Would you be willing to say to a person who owes you money, you can give me 20% less so that
00:41:05.180
you can move your family across the country to a place you don't know hardly anyone to a
00:41:10.480
climate you've never been in to see if we can make this work.
00:41:13.760
I don't know many people who would, and I'm not saying that to toot my horn.
00:41:18.520
I'm saying that to go back to what I was telling you earlier about if you have a dream, then
00:41:27.140
And to go back even further about what we were talking about with George, God will pave
00:41:35.620
There's going to be a lot of dark days, scary days.
00:41:37.460
I remember when I moved to Maine, I remember thinking I was for like two or three weeks.
00:41:42.740
I just questioned in my head, was this the right call?
00:41:51.700
But those are moments that came up where I knew, oh, I'm all in because I put my money
00:41:59.080
Why do you move to a moral obligation for a dream?
00:42:05.100
Like what's your connection to say, hey, I have this idea.
00:42:13.880
What's your, what's, what's at the root of that?
00:42:20.240
So I attach morality to dreams because I believe they're divinely inspired.
00:42:30.060
I don't know if God comes in and implants these ideas into our head or I think more likely what
00:42:36.420
happens is he puts us in scenarios and circumstances where we start to extract ideas and concepts
00:42:47.960
So I don't think he comes in and like taps you on the shoulder and all of a sudden you're
00:42:52.440
I think he's presenting opportunities for you to act on.
00:42:58.260
It's little small things that are, that are seemingly insignificant.
00:43:02.180
Like he just plants a little seed in there and says, you know what?
00:43:11.440
She probably got a boyfriend and gosh, I'm busy with work.
00:43:16.840
Well, then you're not going to get the next prompt.
00:43:22.100
And these are the same guys who complain about never being able to find a lovely woman.
00:43:26.620
Or he might say to you, or might, might put you in an environment where you listen to this
00:43:31.760
podcast and you think to yourself, well, I'd really like to start a podcast.
00:43:40.780
There's, there's too many people are doing podcasts.
00:43:47.040
And then you don't get prompt two, three, four, 10, a hundred, a thousand, et cetera.
00:43:51.940
We need to act on the things, even if they're small.
00:43:56.280
And the beauty of that is the small things are less risky.
00:43:58.960
You ask the woman on a date, the worst she's going to say is no, you're not out anything.
00:44:04.900
You invest a couple hundred bucks in a microphone, do a couple podcasts and realize you don't like
00:44:09.000
You're out a couple hundred bucks in a couple hours.
00:44:11.580
Acting on the small things is easy, but these are the people who will say, well, why don't
00:44:20.860
Because you didn't act on the little small and simple things that were given to you.
00:44:26.540
Those were gifts and you were supposed to use them and you didn't use them.
00:44:33.980
If we want to get biblical, you didn't deploy your talents.
00:44:38.540
So I think to go back to something you were saying earlier about service, my job is to
00:44:46.240
learn as much as I possibly can to return to God and return to heaven and to help other
00:44:51.160
If I had to strip everything else away about my purpose on this earth, that's exactly what
00:44:56.120
And if that's the case, then I need to do the things that are going to help people live
00:45:00.280
a better life so they can return to his presence as well.
00:45:03.420
And that growth on your part may include a successful podcast and it may not.
00:45:11.720
Doesn't change whether you should do it or not.
00:45:15.620
That's the concept of Simon Sinek start with why.
00:45:19.400
If you start with the why, then the how and the what can be backfilled.
00:45:24.860
You see so many military guys, LEOs, when they get out of their field, they retire, they
00:45:31.180
get medically disqualified or whatever it might be, then they're lost.
00:45:36.020
And I can't help but think that they tied up so much of their identity in the what they
00:45:41.520
So if, for example, you have a police officer who is so wrapped up in his identity of the
00:45:50.040
blue uniform he puts on, when he takes that uniform off, who is he?
00:45:55.280
But if you take the same man and he says to himself through reflection and insight that
00:46:00.700
I'm a protector, I'm a guardian, I'm a protector of my people, I care about my community, whether
00:46:06.580
I'm wearing this blue uniform and this gold badge or not.
00:46:09.120
So when he takes that uniform off, now all of a sudden, maybe he gets into teaching or
00:46:18.400
You know, we have a close personal friend who retired after, I think, 25, 26 years in
00:46:26.700
And now he's coaching because he's still giving back to his community.
00:46:31.840
That has nothing to do with him being a police officer.
00:46:34.360
It has everything to do what's under the uniform.
00:46:36.220
So find out what it is so that regardless of what you're doing or what your job title
00:46:42.520
is, there's still purpose and significance and meaning in your life.
00:46:49.080
Ryan Partain, what are indicators that you look for to inform you when to use supportive
00:46:55.220
and empathetic approach as opposed to more intensive, tough love approach when you see a brother
00:47:05.080
Do you have a universal approach to intervention?
00:47:08.080
And what tactics and strategies do you feel are most effective?
00:47:12.740
I hate this question because it's something I struggle with.
00:47:20.360
You know, maybe as I get older and a little bit wiser, hopefully, a little bit more patient
00:47:30.360
and understanding, I think this happens with a lot of men as they get older, is I don't
00:47:38.260
And if I felt like it was my job to rescue people, I might be a little bit more authoritarian.
00:47:43.920
Like, you're going to do this because it's in your best interest and it's my job to make
00:47:50.500
And instead, I don't really feel like it's my job to save people.
00:47:58.640
What I think that allows me to do is to offer a little bit more grace as they're dealing with
00:48:04.520
things because I don't have any judgment or I should say I have less judgment about who
00:48:12.120
And I think asking questions is the most powerful thing you can do for your friends.
00:48:16.640
So, Kip, if I noticed you struggling with something, maybe your demeanor has changed.
00:48:31.100
And so the answer to that is, hey, Kip, I've noticed your demeanor over the past couple
00:48:50.400
And then you might disclose something or you might not.
00:48:54.040
And if you didn't, I might say, hey, look, Kip, I know it's really hard to share when things
00:49:00.320
are hard or you might be struggling with something.
00:49:02.200
I only say that because I know when I was going through hardship, I felt a little bit
00:49:09.600
And it was really hard for me to talk about those things.
00:49:13.360
Would you mind opening up to me about what you're dealing with?
00:49:19.800
It's like, would you, I want you to share with me, but it's still a question.
00:49:23.000
And you might say, no, I don't, I don't really want to.
00:49:27.380
I'm here without judgment in a conversation that is just between you and I when you're
00:49:34.340
If you say yes and you want to talk about it, I'll sit there and talk with you, but I'm
00:49:37.660
not going to offer you advice unless you ask for it.
00:49:40.680
Even when friends are like, you know, like, you know the answer of what this guy should
00:49:48.160
Unsolicited advice is rarely, if ever, appreciated.
00:49:50.800
No, the, the, the closest I'll get to that is if Kip, I, I felt like I could offer you
00:49:59.880
I remember dealing with that in with, with one of my kids and it was so confusing and
00:50:07.500
And somebody shared something with me one time and it just completely altered the way I thought
00:50:19.640
That's the closest I'll get to offering unsolicited advice.
00:50:23.440
Well, because the minute you start soliciting, people move to, is he right or wrong?
00:50:30.280
So you're like, Hey Kip, I have some advice for you already.
00:50:34.060
99% of people go, okay, let me get my judge hat ready.
00:50:47.120
I'm, I'm not even the right state, but if you go, Oh man, that reminds me of this time
00:50:53.440
It was like a major breakthrough for me and they were doing X, Y, Z.
00:51:19.480
And I, and the reason why is because of the power of autonomy and creation.
00:51:26.440
Most change will never be in the space of tough love and intrusiveness.
00:51:33.120
Most transformation is on the terms of the individual choosing for themselves that this is now important
00:51:51.900
I can't create if you're dictating to me what I should do.
00:51:55.860
But you create possibility for me to consider for myself.
00:52:11.380
I'm going to be a little bit loose with some of the details of this, but I have a close friend who's dealing with some things in his marriage right now.
00:52:18.680
And so I reached out to him a week or two ago and I said, Hey man, how's everything going?
00:52:23.200
But I could tell it was like one of those things where it's, it's good.
00:52:26.100
I'm like, nah, can I hop on a call with you when I get back from my trip?
00:52:31.620
So I called him and we talked and I didn't offer any advice.
00:52:35.940
I've never been in the same type of situation he's dealing with.
00:52:38.640
What advice could I possibly offer him other than just listening?
00:52:41.100
And if he has a thought or a question, I can maybe just provide some feedback or be a sounding board.
00:52:46.760
And so, um, anyways, we had a really good conversation.
00:52:49.400
I thought it was fairly productive and I hope it was helpful for him.
00:52:52.480
But right before I got off the phone, I thought to myself, you know, I know somebody else who's going through a similar or who went through years and years ago, a very similar situation.
00:53:02.260
And so I told my friend, I said, Hey, look, I've, I've never been in this boat, what you're dealing with right now, but I know somebody who has, and you know that person too.
00:53:12.100
And I'm not going to tell you who it is because it's not my information to share.
00:53:15.180
But if you're interested, I would love to make that connection for you.
00:53:20.240
And kind of blew it off a little bit, which is fine.
00:53:24.500
Well, three days later, yesterday, he messages me and he says, Hey, you know what?
00:53:29.460
I'm actually going to take you up on that offer.
00:53:34.860
I'm going to make sure I have permission to connect the two.
00:53:45.540
I don't have any advice, but now you're helping your friend with something that they're dealing
00:53:54.860
You're, you're helping solve their problems, but you're not having to do it directly because
00:53:58.080
you might not have the credibility or the experience to be able to deal with it.
00:54:01.940
And I think that does require a level of empathy that it no longer is about you.
00:54:06.280
You just want to make sure you get the resource and help that your friends need.
00:54:09.680
So I'm, I'm, I, I'm saying these things because these are highlighting where I've done it right.
00:54:14.000
But also I want to make sure that I'm very clear.
00:54:19.300
And every once in a while I get it right, but it's something I really have to focus on.
00:54:31.420
Wait, you didn't, you didn't ask the question about what kind of animal we would be.
00:54:43.980
Someone asked what animal would you be if you, if you got re-incarnated.
00:54:47.720
And I thought, and I, I was going to save everybody listening.
00:54:50.860
I mean, the, from the rant of Ryan Michler, like, this is such a stupid question.
00:55:00.280
See, I'm trying to expand my horizons and, and answer these questions.
00:55:10.520
It's just, if I was reincarnated, what would I be?
00:55:14.220
I'm like, you know, everybody else would be like a lion or a bear or like a panther or something
00:55:27.220
But I think at this point in my life, I would rather be just some, like, some sort of like
00:55:35.620
small animal where everybody just left me alone.
00:55:43.180
I was in Alaska last week and jellyfish, I don't even think they have brains.
00:55:46.720
They just kind of exist and nothing bothers them and they just float in the ocean and
00:55:52.980
And I think if, uh, I think if I was an animal, I would, I would, as I get older, gravitate
00:55:59.220
more towards just exactly just existing, nobody bothering me, nothing trying to get me, just
00:56:07.460
doing life and just enjoying floating in the ocean or, you know, in my hole with my shell
00:56:14.260
on my back, I think that's what I would be at this point in my life.
00:56:17.820
It doesn't sound like, uh, you have old man syndrome at all.
00:56:36.860
I was going to skip the question, so I didn't even think about this.
00:56:40.600
You were thinking the same thing I was thinking.
00:56:47.740
Like, um, I don't have enough fun, but whenever I watch videos of pandas, they're just stupid
00:56:56.880
And I, I, you know, that sounds nice actually, just crawling around and almost killing myself
00:57:03.560
out of my own stupidity, as long as I don't get hunted.
00:57:06.120
So if I'm a protected animal still, then I'm down.
00:57:10.460
I, I think panda would be fun and everyone thinks they're cute, so, yeah.
00:57:15.700
Well, panda, jellyfish, either that or a rhinoceros, I'd be one of the two, so.
00:57:21.000
Well, I haven't decided where, which one I am, I'm on yet.
00:57:24.220
My first thought was like a, uh, a T-Rex dinosaur and just kill everybody.
00:57:36.580
So, I mean, key thing, uh, get your battle planner.
00:57:44.100
Obviously we have hundreds and hundreds of men that use that system within the iron council.
00:57:49.960
So if you're, whether you're in the IC or outside of the IC, uh, you can get your battle
00:57:54.600
planners at the store, um, order of man.com or store.order of man.com as well.
00:58:01.220
Or you can just go to order of man.com slash battle planner.
00:58:07.340
And there's a video, there's an accompanying video that shows you how to use it.
00:58:13.240
That goes back to what you were saying earlier, Kip.
00:58:15.160
There's so many plans and systems out there, but if you need to read a college level textbook
00:58:20.240
in order to do the plan, you probably won't do it.
00:58:28.580
So I need things to be dumbed down, easy to use and, uh, very self-explanatory.
00:58:34.000
So that's the beauty, part of the beauty of the battle planner that we have created over
00:58:41.400
Uh, and to connect with that jellyfish, uh, at Ryan Nick, we're both on X and Instagram
00:58:47.420
The only difference between that, that I do want to make one caveat.
00:59:07.340
Uh, we will be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the man
00:59:16.900
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
00:59:19.780
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
00:59:23.600
We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.