Order of Man - Lessons in Responsibility and Resilience

00:00:00.000 my challenge to you is don't worry about people helping you.

00:00:05.240 Why don't you start looking to serve and help others

00:00:08.680 and make your focus of stop being a lone wolf,

00:00:12.180 not about you and how it benefits you

00:00:14.520 or may or may not be good for you.

00:00:17.300 Actually focus on what are you doing for others?

00:00:20.500 What model are you setting for your daughters and your kids

00:00:23.700 around the idea that living a life of fulfillment and purpose

00:00:27.740 is often found in the service of others.

00:00:32.260 You're a man of action.

00:00:33.980 You live life to the fullest.

00:00:35.440 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:38.380 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:42.800 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:47.540 This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:50.400 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:53.340 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:58.560 Kip, what's up, brother? So great to see you.

00:01:00.580 I am having a time over here.

00:01:02.640 Oh, my goodness.

00:01:03.240 I had like a sneeze attack right as I got on the call with you

00:01:06.140 and my brand new puppy is chewing on cables and things are unplugged.

00:01:11.380 What in the world is happening right now?

00:01:13.400 Yeah.

00:01:14.360 I can't.

00:01:15.200 Anyways.

00:01:15.480 If it makes you feel any better, I'm like mad scramble for headphones.

00:01:19.020 I'm like, how do I never?

00:01:20.480 I always put them in my bag.

00:01:22.920 Bluetooth is not in my bag.

00:01:24.120 So I had to go old school, wired in.

00:01:27.800 But it's been a little bit of a chaotic Monday.

00:01:31.960 One of those Mondays, I suppose.

00:01:35.020 Well, good, man.

00:01:35.740 It's good to see you.

00:01:36.520 I was going to show you a couple of things before we jump into it,

00:01:39.660 because I know we're going to do headlines.

00:01:41.040 And obviously, there's a big headline.

00:01:42.400 Well, let me say it this way.

00:01:43.980 I have to say I was wrong.

00:01:46.420 I don't have to say that very often.

00:01:50.140 But two or three weeks ago, I said, there's no way Biden's dropping out of this race.

00:01:55.140 And yesterday, he dropped out of the race.

00:01:57.500 My biggest question is, if he's not competent to run for president,

00:02:01.360 is he competent to be the president?

00:02:04.440 We'll talk a little bit about that.

00:02:05.840 But my headlines are different.

00:02:07.820 Does your headline have to do with the political stuff?

00:02:10.320 It doesn't.

00:02:10.980 I chose something.

00:02:12.040 Well, it's political, but I chose something slightly different.

00:02:14.640 I did, too, because you know what?

00:02:18.800 Everybody's got commentary.

00:02:20.260 Everybody's got stuff.

00:02:21.880 I think at this point, you correct me if I'm wrong,

00:02:23.880 but I think Kamala Harris is going to get the nod.

00:02:26.900 She's already got the support of Biden and the Clintons and other notable Democrats.

00:02:33.220 This is bad.

00:02:34.580 This is bad.

00:02:36.160 There is so much we could talk about around 14 million Democratic voters voted for Biden.

00:02:44.300 And now, all of a sudden, in the DNC, they're going to maybe hand select or hand pick,

00:02:50.180 or maybe it's going to be Kamala.

00:02:51.320 Those 14 million people didn't vote for Kamala.

00:02:53.580 Yep.

00:02:54.100 They voted for Biden.

00:02:55.160 Yep.

00:02:55.680 And there's going to be some legal battles because I think there's some illegal questions

00:03:00.780 or legality issues that need to be addressed.

00:03:03.440 But this woman is, she's a very unlikable person, to put it mildly.

00:03:09.860 She's very inept at her job.

00:03:12.580 So it's, but it's going to mix the race up.

00:03:14.700 So it's interesting.

00:03:15.220 But that's, that's a whole other conversation.

00:03:18.020 I got a couple of new toys over the weekend I wanted to share.

00:03:20.520 That's my headlines.

00:03:22.960 Toys over the weekend.

00:03:24.180 All right.

00:03:24.720 I'm excited.

00:03:25.460 A couple of toys over the weekend.

00:03:27.280 First one, I got a brand new firearm.

00:03:29.580 All right.

00:03:30.020 What did you get?

00:03:30.460 Guys, if you don't have a firearm or at a minimum aren't training or at least have shot

00:03:38.060 a pistol, I would say probably now is a good time to go get yourself familiar with handguns.

00:03:46.180 Go get some training, go get some instruction and consider what your EDC is going to be.

00:03:51.500 I've been using Glocks for a lot of years.

00:03:53.180 I switched over to the dark side.

00:03:54.700 This is my new SIG right here.

00:03:57.160 You got a SIG.

00:03:57.920 So I've got a 365.

00:03:58.800 I got a SIG.

00:03:59.560 So I've got, this is the P365X Macro.

00:04:03.980 I found one that I really liked.

00:04:05.980 The only problem is the one that I really liked in a, in a local gun shop that I wanted

00:04:11.860 to support is they have the safety.

00:04:14.720 And I'm like, I don't, I don't want a safety on it.

00:04:17.380 I don't like, yeah.

00:04:19.460 So unfortunately I had to go to another gun shop in a neighboring town.

00:04:22.920 I found the P365 without the safety.

00:04:26.300 So this is my new everyday carry.

00:04:28.460 Very cool.

00:04:29.380 Awesome.

00:04:29.780 Excited about that.

00:04:30.740 Awesome.

00:04:31.000 Have not shot this one yet, but have shot the P365.

00:04:34.880 The other one I wanted to show you, I just got a little care package from my friends over

00:04:39.880 at Montana knife company.

00:04:41.180 And this is their new, I don't know if you can see that.

00:04:45.140 Okay.

00:04:45.680 Yeah.

00:04:45.960 Is that focusing?

00:04:47.120 A little bit.

00:04:48.120 This is their little bit.

00:04:50.140 This is their, uh, it's called the, uh, flat tail knife from Montana knife company.

00:04:55.700 This is a collaboration with Steve Rinella over at meat eater, who happens to also have

00:05:01.680 been a past guest, but, uh, this, this new knife right here, I'm going to be using that

00:05:06.840 as we go hunt in Minnesota Kip, I'm trying to get a few more.

00:05:10.780 So let's keep our fingers crossed.

00:05:12.440 And I think you actually have some origin gear on your way to buy it, by the way, some

00:05:17.420 camo and, uh, yeah.

00:05:20.020 So this is the new knife.

00:05:21.220 This one drops on Thursday of this week at seven o'clock mountain time.

00:05:26.600 So this is their flat tail.

00:05:28.640 Uh, and that's, like I said, a collaboration with Steve Rinella over at meat eater.

00:05:32.540 So a couple of new toys.

00:05:34.740 I got a new knife, I got a new gun, I got a dog over here chewing up cables.

00:05:40.140 Things are pretty good in the Michler household.

00:05:42.080 So why the switch?

00:05:43.080 Why the switch from the Glock to that SIG?

00:05:47.000 I'm really hesitant to share this story, but I'll share it.

00:05:51.700 Okay.

00:05:52.400 So my girlfriend and I, uh, decided that we're going to go hike in Capitol reef.

00:05:58.580 Uh, was this last week?

00:06:00.520 Not, not this last week in the previous weekend.

00:06:02.520 And we did a nine and a half mile hike and it was brutal.

00:06:06.820 She was amazing.

00:06:07.600 I think I told you guys a little bit about it.

00:06:09.620 It's like, holy cow, I got some room for improvement.

00:06:12.380 So we're driving there and I realized I didn't bring my gun with me.

00:06:17.540 And I told her that I'm like, I didn't bring my gun.

00:06:19.940 She's like, I have two.

00:06:20.880 And she had one gun in her glove box.

00:06:23.760 Cause we ended up taking her vehicle.

00:06:25.860 And then she had one that she had packed in her backpack.

00:06:29.120 And it was funny.

00:06:29.900 Cause she told me the night before she had a dream that she, and I'm not kidding.

00:06:34.900 This is even before I told her I didn't have my gun.

00:06:37.440 This is how it got brought up that I forgot mine.

00:06:39.360 Yeah.

00:06:39.580 She said, I had a dream that you forgot your gun and I brought mine and you and I got into

00:06:46.880 a knockdown drag out fight because I wouldn't let you carry the gun because you forgot yours.

00:06:52.880 And I got apparently in the dream, I got really mad because she wouldn't let me carry the

00:06:57.640 firearms.

00:06:58.240 She had to carry the firearm.

00:06:59.680 Got it.

00:07:00.580 So she brought to, and that's what triggered it.

00:07:03.400 Yeah.

00:07:03.880 So that's what triggered.

00:07:04.640 I'm like, oh shit, I did forget my firearm.

00:07:06.980 And so, uh, but, but she did let me carry the firearm on our hike and it was the, it

00:07:13.280 was the P three 65 and I held it.

00:07:17.200 I'm like, this actually feels really good.

00:07:20.160 It's not a compact.

00:07:21.180 Like I was using for my EDC with a Glock.

00:07:23.220 It's a more of a full size gun, shorter barrel, full size gun.

00:07:26.100 Yeah.

00:07:26.660 But this is, I love this firearm so far.

00:07:29.440 Yeah.

00:07:30.040 I, it's her doing.

00:07:31.640 Yeah.

00:07:32.120 I mean, I, I know we're, we should probably get sponsored by, by, by SIG if we're going

00:07:36.140 to talk about them, but man, I tried when I bought my three 65, I tried 12 different

00:07:43.800 concealed carries.

00:07:46.320 And the minute I touched that in my hand, I was like, Ooh, that just, it just feels good.

00:07:52.220 And I shot all of them.

00:07:54.040 And, uh, I love, I love my, I love my three 65.

00:07:57.280 It's a, it's a great thing.

00:07:58.520 That's nice about it.

00:07:59.760 It's pretty low profile.

00:08:01.300 And so like, you're not going to flag it or it's not going to really profile on your

00:08:04.820 waistband, but it carries 17 rounds.

00:08:08.640 Yeah.

00:08:09.420 So it's a full double stack.

00:08:10.920 I mean, it's a full size firearm.

00:08:12.560 Yeah.

00:08:13.040 And it's, uh, I like it.

00:08:15.460 Full grip, none of that partial grip stuff.

00:08:19.140 Yeah.

00:08:19.580 It's nice.

00:08:20.320 The other one I like is, um, the Springfield Hellcat, which is very similar.

00:08:25.680 Maybe it's a little bit smaller profile, but very similar to the SIG P365.

00:08:30.800 So anyways, that's where we're at.

00:08:32.040 That was my number two option.

00:08:33.260 That was my number two option was the Hellcat.

00:08:35.220 Oh, was it?

00:08:35.640 Okay.

00:08:35.840 Yeah.

00:08:36.240 Yeah.

00:08:36.500 Same.

00:08:36.960 Yeah.

00:08:37.140 Yeah.

00:08:37.320 I was like, Ooh, I like the Hellcat too.

00:08:39.920 Yeah.

00:08:40.320 That's funny.

00:08:40.820 Feels good.

00:08:41.440 All right.

00:08:41.760 That's your headline.

00:08:42.840 They're sharing toys.

00:08:43.600 That's kind of my headlines.

00:08:44.880 I don't care about all the other stuff.

00:08:46.960 We talk about politics.

00:08:48.060 We talk about that bullshit all the time.

00:08:49.520 Let's have some fun today.

00:08:50.420 Oh, well then it messes up my headline because it's not fun at all.

00:08:54.780 Um, but we can skip mine.

00:08:57.320 I just, this, this blew my mind, man.

00:09:00.160 I mean, this is what?

00:09:01.680 Six days ago.

00:09:02.840 Headline reads California governor Gavin Newsom signs bill banning schools from notifying parents

00:09:08.860 of child's gendered identities.

00:09:12.700 Monday, he signed a new law banning school districts from notifying parents if their children

00:09:17.140 uses different pronouns or identifies as a gender that's different from what's on their

00:09:21.420 school records.

00:09:22.400 Obviously, and we could talk about, um, a few things out of this.

00:09:27.360 One thing I thought was funny is Elon Musk tweeted later that day.

00:09:33.520 I believe he says, this is a final straw because of this law and many others that precede it attacking

00:09:39.880 both families and companies.

00:09:41.480 SpaceX will move its headquarters from Hawthorne, California to Starbase, Texas.

00:09:46.940 And the, the part that I kind of wanted to talk about is we have part of empowering people,

00:09:55.900 part of believing in people, um, and part of empowering people to step up powerfully is

00:10:03.600 you need to believe in people.

00:10:04.760 And this concept that the government knows better than a family, better than a parent is so, there

00:10:14.560 are so many things wrong with that thought, thought process that it's ridiculous.

00:10:21.060 And, and we could probably talk for hours on this, but you tell me one thing that the government has

00:10:28.020 done a great job at.

00:10:29.960 In fact, let's use the, let's use the, um, uh, what is it called?

00:10:36.100 The, um, oh my gosh, the system that kids get stuck in when, when they don't have unfit parents.

00:10:42.800 What am I, well, I'm drawing a blank here.

00:10:45.780 Oh, uh, yeah.

00:10:47.260 Uh, child protective services.

00:10:48.940 Yeah.

00:10:49.140 You tell me how good that works.

00:10:50.760 Some of the most horrific scenarios are from kids being in the system and that's run by your

00:10:58.280 public government.

00:10:58.940 The same government that says that a parent knowing what's best for their kids doesn't

00:11:04.180 count and that they don't need to know.

00:11:06.160 And that kids have some right to, to, um, that, that they have some right that the, that

00:11:13.100 the state is willing to give them that they don't need to tell their parents or the parents

00:11:16.460 shouldn't be in the know.

00:11:17.580 This is pitting groups against groups.

00:11:20.860 It is so wrong in so many ways.

00:11:24.340 And I just can't believe it, man.

00:11:26.420 I, I, we actually have good friends that live here in Utah and you've heard of acting academies.

00:11:33.660 These, those are the schools that Matt Bordeaux was part of in California.

00:11:38.480 We have good friends that moved from California, not because he had a job in, in Utah, nothing

00:11:45.560 else.

00:11:46.000 They literally moved into our neighborhood so they could enroll his daughters in the same

00:11:52.340 school as my two daughters because of their unwillingness to have their kids in the public

00:11:57.480 school system, let alone in California's.

00:12:00.900 It's just ridiculous.

00:12:02.180 And yeah, it is ridiculous.

00:12:05.780 And you know, frankly, I can't believe Newsom wasn't, I believe it was a recall election,

00:12:10.720 uh, maybe a year or two ago.

00:12:12.560 I can't believe he wasn't recalled.

00:12:14.460 If you're in California, what are you doing?

00:12:18.340 Really?

00:12:18.880 What are you doing?

00:12:21.000 You're absolutely ridiculous.

00:12:22.660 The fact that you continue to vote for this guy, this guy hates you.

00:12:26.100 He hates American rights.

00:12:27.300 He hates America, or at least what it stands for.

00:12:29.680 And he's trying to rewrite what it is we stand for.

00:12:32.740 Now, look, I'm going to try to take a different angle on this one just for a second, Kip.

00:12:36.620 Yeah.

00:12:37.400 Because I don't need to beat a dead horse.

00:12:38.800 Like if you hear that and you aren't infuriated, then you're, this is not the show for you.

00:12:43.720 Yeah.

00:12:44.080 You're not a man.

00:12:45.060 You're not acting like a man.

00:12:46.880 You're not an American citizen.

00:12:48.380 You're not acting like one, like go find something else.

00:12:51.380 Cause this ain't it at this point.

00:12:54.280 So I'll take a different angle.

00:12:55.700 Cause I think most of us are like beating our chest.

00:12:58.260 Yeah, you're right.

00:12:59.260 Right.

00:12:59.580 I don't think there's many people would listen to this that would disagree with that.

00:13:02.040 But the angle that I want to take on this is why it's, here, I'll say it this way.

00:13:12.300 I think a lot of people who might agree with a bill like this being, or a law like this being

00:13:16.400 passed is because what they'll say is, well, some, some parents or some kids don't have

00:13:24.220 the parents they need.

00:13:25.180 Some kids aren't that way.

00:13:27.020 And so big daddy government becomes mommy and daddy to that.

00:13:31.000 I would say, okay, you're probably right.

00:13:34.480 There are probably million, not even probably, there are millions and millions of children

00:13:38.380 who do not have an engaged, loving, supportive mother and father in the home.

00:13:43.560 And by the way, supportive doesn't mean that you're going to support their mental illness.

00:13:47.800 It means that you're going to support their mental health by helping them understand when

00:13:52.180 it comes to sex, there are two biological sexes.

00:13:55.060 And some people say, well, gender is different.

00:13:56.660 It's very similar.

00:13:58.040 It isn't until I think the fifties or sixties that we started introducing these radical

00:14:01.580 concepts about gender and sex, whole other conversation.

00:14:05.940 This is why guys movements like we're doing here in order of man are so important because

00:14:11.620 it's not wrong that there are millions of children in the U S without engaged fathers and mothers

00:14:16.480 that becomes our responsibility.

00:14:19.740 Yeah.

00:14:20.380 So if I have a neighborhood kid who is being raised by a single mother and bless her heart,

00:14:25.920 she's doing the best she can do, but the situation is what it is, then I have a responsibility,

00:14:32.040 a moral responsibility, an obligation even to take that son, to take that daughter and

00:14:39.160 then include them in a healthy, loving home environment.

00:14:43.980 That's not to say to make them my children, but to invite them over.

00:14:47.780 You know, my daughter had her, her little friend over and they have a loving home.

00:14:50.660 I know that, but invited her little friend over and they spent time here.

00:14:53.740 I make dinner for all of them.

00:14:55.840 I engage all of them.

00:14:56.960 When we go to the mall or we go run errands, my kids will often say, Hey, can so-and-so

00:15:01.380 come?

00:15:01.660 You better believe I'm always willing to invite friends because it might be the only environment

00:15:07.960 they have without naming names.

00:15:09.260 Because I have one of my sons who has a friend who doesn't have mom and dad at home.

00:15:15.440 And the way I gather it, it's grandma who's raising this young man.

00:15:20.260 And bless her heart, she shouldn't be in that position, but she is.

00:15:23.480 And so it's my moral obligation as a man of the community to outreach my hand, to teach

00:15:31.520 my kids to outreach, and then to help these young men and young women grow up in righteousness

00:15:36.560 in a way, and even forget about the righteousness because that has a spiritual undertone, but

00:15:41.840 a way that's going to serve them to live a better life.

00:15:46.720 Personal responsibility, accountability, discipline, hard work, commitment, sacrifice, doing the

00:15:55.740 right thing when it's difficult to do, having a backbone, courage, fortitude, grit, resiliency.

00:16:03.720 We have to teach our kids these things.

00:16:05.760 And then when there are things like this, where there's mental illness and what I would

00:16:10.460 call social contagion introduced into the mix, it's our job to repel that and to actively

00:16:20.240 fight against gender ideology, for example.

00:16:23.740 Because we know, you look at the statistics alone, and we know that those people who identify

00:16:27.660 as quote-unquote transgender have a significantly higher rate of mental depression, anxiety,

00:16:34.080 and even suicide.

00:16:36.460 Now, you might say correlation, causation, and not really know, but there's some mental stuff

00:16:40.700 going on.

00:16:41.820 And the more that we foster and encourage it, the worse it's going to get for these young

00:16:47.500 sons and daughters who might not have somebody in the home.

00:16:50.280 That's our responsibility as men.

00:16:51.820 Yeah.

00:16:53.180 I love the take, man.

00:16:55.920 The call to action.

00:16:57.300 I mean, and there's so much opportunity.

00:16:58.780 And we are talking about this in the Iron Council a lot this month is a battle to fight, right?

00:17:04.240 And showing up powerfully in the world.

00:17:05.800 And what a great opportunity that we have to do that.

00:17:08.780 Really just by leveling up how we show up in our communities and looking for opportunities

00:17:15.840 to model certain behaviors.

00:17:17.520 And one thing that came to mind when you were sharing, Ryan, is our home should be a place

00:17:23.380 of refuge for our kids, but also for others.

00:17:27.180 It should be highly welcoming.

00:17:29.860 And that's sometimes hard to do.

00:17:32.140 Like, I get so many little 13-year-old girls over at my house, and I'm just like, why don't

00:17:38.100 you guys play somewhere else, right?

00:17:40.460 And Asia has to remind me.

00:17:41.880 She's like, do you want them all playing somewhere else?

00:17:44.260 And I'm like, all right.

00:17:45.900 And is there anywhere else to play?

00:17:48.060 Yeah.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.280 Yeah, totally.

00:17:52.220 Well, not to mention that, you know, where I've got three boys and a daughter, the food

00:17:58.360 bill alone, when all the friends come over, I'm like, damn.

00:18:01.460 And there's a lot of nights where I, so I use a company called HelloFresh for my food,

00:18:06.660 and they send a planned amount of meals per day.

00:18:11.200 Like, I have it planned.

00:18:12.620 Yeah.

00:18:12.980 Based on what I think we'll need.

00:18:14.620 And so, all of a sudden, I have four kids.

00:18:17.660 When I have six or seven kids at the house, guess who's not eating?

00:18:22.260 Me.

00:18:23.820 Or I'm having leftovers, or I'm running to the store real quick and trying to pick up some

00:18:27.260 sushi or whatever.

00:18:28.340 Yeah.

00:18:28.600 Because my priority is feed those kids, including the neighborhood kids, but it gets expensive

00:18:33.520 and it's time consuming, but there's a sacrifice.

00:18:35.960 It's well worth it.

00:18:37.160 That's our job as men.

00:18:38.760 Yeah.

00:18:39.360 Yeah.

00:18:39.700 I love that.

00:18:40.840 All right.

00:18:41.280 Well, we're going to get into some questions from the Iron Council.

00:18:44.140 To learn more about the Iron Council, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:18:48.520 Our first question, George Sykes, how do you process sadness, disappointment, and depression?

00:18:54.940 I'm tired of treating my emotions with food, but I don't know what to do.

00:19:00.480 I'll sometimes allow myself to cry, but it doesn't seem to help.

00:19:04.420 Well, George, I'm glad to hear that question.

00:19:07.300 Long time member of the Iron Council, years and years he's been around.

00:19:10.800 And I hope I can say, I'm going to say it anyways, but I know George has battled with

00:19:15.740 health issues and some things, ups and downs, just like we all have, right?

00:19:21.220 Crying, I think, is okay and appropriate when it's appropriate.

00:19:25.440 I'm not going to sit here and say that you should never cry or you should never express

00:19:28.960 emotion.

00:19:30.100 I think there's real healing power in learning to let go of it.

00:19:33.540 We as men tend to stuff it down.

00:19:35.180 And I think that is appropriate too at certain times.

00:19:37.900 A lot of society would say, oh, never stuff it down.

00:19:40.360 And then the other half of society says, always stuff it down.

00:19:43.880 I don't think one end of the extreme is healthy, regardless of which way you go.

00:19:49.360 So yeah, there's times where, you know, let it out.

00:19:53.380 I'm not going to cry in front of my kids.

00:19:55.600 I'm just not.

00:19:57.820 Because it's inappropriate.

00:20:00.840 Now, will I have conversations about the hard days I'm having or the things that I'm

00:20:04.920 struggling with?

00:20:05.660 Within reason, sure, of course.

00:20:07.520 Because I want them to know what dad does when he has these hard days.

00:20:10.480 I don't want them to think I'm a superhero impervious to all of life's challenging times.

00:20:15.760 So I'm going to be honest with them.

00:20:17.600 But also, I'm also not going to offload that onto them because it's not their cross to bear.

00:20:23.760 So I don't cry for that reason in front of my kids.

00:20:27.760 My oldest son is very in tune with the way people are feeling.

00:20:33.640 So he knows.

00:20:34.660 He'll come.

00:20:35.020 He came up last night and I was making dinner.

00:20:37.340 He's like, he came, gave me a hug.

00:20:38.980 And I kind of gave the one arm hug.

00:20:41.120 And he's like, no, put that down, two arms, let's go, bring it in.

00:20:46.100 Like he's very in tune.

00:20:47.660 And I was having a hard evening, but he's very in tune with that.

00:20:51.000 But I'm not going to offload things that shouldn't be offloaded to my kids.

00:20:55.440 So I think the first thing we need to understand is that there's times where it's appropriate

00:20:59.040 to cry and let it loose with the right people.

00:21:03.520 I would be very hesitant to cry and have these emotional responses with people that I have

00:21:10.180 authority over.

00:21:12.760 So my kids, for example, because that's going to undermine credibility and authority.

00:21:18.040 My partner or my spouse, I'm going to do whatever I can not to blubber and cry in front of her

00:21:24.580 because that undermines credibility.

00:21:28.820 And I'm not interested in undermining credibility with a partner.

00:21:32.540 Now, Kip, I feel like I could probably come to you.

00:21:35.800 And if I really need to have a cry or really needed to get some things off my chest or quote

00:21:39.760 unquote vent, I could probably do that.

00:21:41.720 But I also have no authority over you.

00:21:45.480 There's no leadership capacity here.

00:21:47.960 I mean, maybe a little as an example, but as far as direct leadership, that's not within

00:21:52.840 my purview in our relationship.

00:21:55.040 So me unloading isn't going to undermine our relationship unless I take it to the extreme

00:22:00.520 or take advantage of your friendship and your fellowship, right?

00:22:04.460 Yeah, absolutely.

00:22:05.120 If you don't, I want to inject before you move on to your next topic on this, because

00:22:10.300 some people may be listening and saying, oh, okay, undermining my authority.

00:22:15.240 Okay, this is about Ryan making sure that he's propping himself up and staying in a position

00:22:20.880 of authority.

00:22:21.760 And so that's why you don't cry around people.

00:22:23.640 It's, it's also rooted in service, your ability to serve me or the example, your ability to

00:22:33.140 serve your children and not putting that burden on them.

00:22:36.980 It's about what's best for your children more than it is about what's best for you.

00:22:43.280 And, and, and we get sideways with leadership all the time because people, that's why we have

00:22:47.740 a negative opinion about leaders.

00:22:49.240 Cause everyone thinks that it's about their ivory tower and putting themselves above others.

00:22:56.480 It's putting others in front of your priorities.

00:22:59.580 And it's you, and what I'm hearing you say, it's optimizing your ability to serve them the

00:23:05.520 best and do what's best for them.

00:23:07.600 Right.

00:23:08.120 Because one of the tenants that we have and Kip, you and I, I know, agree on this is it's

00:23:13.160 the mission first.

00:23:14.120 So when I'm raising my kids, my mission personally is to render myself obsolete.

00:23:21.680 It's to give them all of the skills and mindsets and knowledge and information that they need

00:23:26.420 to be able to go out and be fully self-sustaining adults.

00:23:29.560 Yeah.

00:23:30.300 You could disagree.

00:23:31.180 You could agree.

00:23:31.640 It doesn't matter.

00:23:32.340 That is the way I view my mission.

00:23:34.000 So if that's what I believe it is, and I treat my children like peers, or I unload my emotional

00:23:42.020 baggage onto them for them to carry, am I fulfilling the mission?

00:23:47.160 No, I'm actually making it way harder for them.

00:23:51.000 The only time that I'm going to be, at least when I'm aware of it, I'm a human.

00:23:56.100 So it comes out, but consciously the times that I want to be emotional with my children

00:24:01.280 is when I'm feeling away, but I want to regulate my emotions in service to them.

00:24:07.260 Hey guys, I'm having a really bad day today, struggling with some things personally.

00:24:13.760 So I'm going to take half an hour.

00:24:16.240 I'm going to go on a walk.

00:24:17.560 I need an hour to like decompress.

00:24:20.320 Like you guys figure out something to do.

00:24:22.480 I'll come back.

00:24:23.380 I'll make you guys dinner, but I need this time for me.

00:24:26.840 That's in service to them.

00:24:29.160 Not only will I not yell at them, which is good because I'm not near them, but they can

00:24:35.820 see, oh, okay.

00:24:36.600 It's okay.

00:24:37.080 It's appropriate to take some time off for yourself if you need it.

00:24:39.480 Yeah.

00:24:40.280 This weekend, uh, was it yesterday?

00:24:42.720 It was either yesterday or the day before I needed some of that time for myself.

00:24:46.580 So in the afternoon, this is not common.

00:24:48.180 I said, guys, I'm going to run to the gym.

00:24:51.540 I'm going to go to the gym this afternoon.

00:24:53.120 I'll be gone for about an hour, hour and a half.

00:24:55.220 Here's some things you can do.

00:24:57.000 Here's food that's available.

00:24:59.660 I'm out.

00:25:01.100 See ya.

00:25:02.000 Breck, you're in charge.

00:25:04.240 Right?

00:25:04.440 And so they can see how you emotionally respond in a positive way.

00:25:08.320 So to go to the question though, cause I rambled a bit there for George's question.

00:25:12.240 How do you, how do you deal with it?

00:25:14.880 You do need to let go of it because there's people relying on you to show up powerfully.

00:25:20.400 And if you don't let go of it, then it'll just boil over.

00:25:23.340 So a couple of strategies for me.

00:25:26.300 Journaling has been really, really helpful for me.

00:25:28.880 I have a journal right here.

00:25:30.720 I keep in my drawer.

00:25:32.800 You guys have seen it cause I've showed it to you.

00:25:34.500 It's the orange journal.

00:25:35.340 I write in this religiously.

00:25:37.520 If I'm having a bad day or feeling a certain way or frustrated about something or happy about

00:25:41.760 something, it's all get, it all gets documented in here.

00:25:44.220 That's one thing.

00:25:46.100 Physical fitness is a good thing for me.

00:25:49.060 The other day I told you I went to the gym.

00:25:50.880 I had probably the best workout I've ever had in a long time.

00:25:53.520 I went hard, really, really hard and it felt good.

00:25:59.680 Sometimes just sweating it out.

00:26:01.520 I started to do the sauna a little bit, dry sauna a little bit, anything but dry.

00:26:06.360 Cause I'm just sweating everything out, all those toxins and excess water and burning fat

00:26:11.540 and just sitting there and you can't really like bring your phone in or anything or have

00:26:16.720 any distractions.

00:26:17.380 So you're just sitting there with yourself, which I actually think can be healthy if you're

00:26:22.340 processing thoughts.

00:26:24.260 I have other activities and hobbies and then I have friends, guys like you and other people

00:26:28.460 where I'm like, Hey guys, here's what I'm struggling with.

00:26:31.080 Here's what I'm dealing with.

00:26:33.940 Help, you know, help me out or do you have any input or advice?

00:26:37.120 And so those are ways that I personally deal with it.

00:26:39.200 Yeah, totally.

00:26:40.520 You know, on Friday I trained and usually jujitsu is that benefit to me, right?

00:26:45.800 A hard train, still got a bruise actually in a pickup, another bruise on my cheek because

00:26:50.820 of it, but nonetheless had a hard train, but I intentionally didn't just leave the mats shower

00:26:58.420 and go back to work.

00:27:00.680 I laid there and I'm like, you know what?

00:27:03.500 I need to just sit.

00:27:04.840 And so I had to create margin to deal with whatever and take advantage of it.

00:27:13.060 And so look for those margins, George, I think in what you're doing.

00:27:16.680 The other thing that comes to mind is, and I'm just projecting, I mean, obviously George,

00:27:23.700 you're asking, right?

00:27:24.400 So I'm sharing my opinion, what works for me, but man, the area of my life where I'm

00:27:32.200 lacking freedom and self-expression is usually because I'm not taking action with the thing.

00:27:41.240 And so make sure that you're not waiting and hoping and that you're doing, you're dealing

00:27:47.680 in reality.

00:27:48.420 So whatever's generating the sadness, sit with it, deal in reality.

00:27:53.000 I'm sad.

00:27:54.500 I don't feel good.

00:27:57.180 And, and, and that's be, be with it.

00:28:00.540 And you're kind of already said this, Ryan, but like sit with it.

00:28:03.700 It is what it is.

00:28:04.940 Like deal in reality.

00:28:06.520 If it's disappointment, all of what should or should not, should not have been some expectation

00:28:12.940 not met, follow the thought.

00:28:15.240 We say this often.

00:28:16.540 Okay, got it.

00:28:17.360 So what are you going to do about it?

00:28:21.100 But when we sit with expectations and we don't move to action, it's never going to get resolved.

00:28:27.200 You're never going to feel better about it because you're going to be running your mind

00:28:30.600 around why shouldn't have to be dealing with this, or it shouldn't be this way.

00:28:34.060 Okay, got it.

00:28:34.840 But it is.

00:28:36.640 So what are you going to do about it?

00:28:40.420 Finish the thought and take action towards it.

00:28:43.000 Psychologically, there's research that proves that just taking action against the thing

00:28:49.740 that's causing the issue will immediately start changing your mood.

00:28:54.080 What you don't want is to fall into it and suck, you know, have it suck you in, right?

00:29:00.560 And do the things like, I'm just going to watch a movie and eat some donuts, right?

00:29:05.420 Because that's not dealing with it.

00:29:07.480 That's avoiding it.

00:29:09.540 So look for those areas to start taking action towards it.

00:29:13.240 It doesn't have to get resolved, but start taking action.

00:29:15.560 I think it's critical.

00:29:16.860 And one last call out I want to call out here to what you said, Ryan, is about serving those

00:29:24.040 around us with our emotions.

00:29:26.060 This was obvious to me.

00:29:28.480 It was the one-year anniversary of my dad's death, and he died on my birthday.

00:29:34.180 And my daughter, and I have this letter, this card that she wrote, and she wrote me this card,

00:29:40.740 you know, happy birthday, dad.

00:29:42.140 And then this whole card was like, I know you're sad.

00:29:45.860 I know you lost your dad on your birthday, blah, blah, blah.

00:29:48.740 And she goes, but please get over it for the rest of us.

00:29:54.620 I love that.

00:29:56.040 Why?

00:29:56.580 Because the burden of me not getting over it was not serving her.

00:30:02.000 She took, she was taking it on.

00:30:04.820 She was sad because of that day.

00:30:07.900 Like, so I'm not serving her by feeling sorry for myself, right?

00:30:14.720 And that's, that's kind of what Ryan was alluding to earlier.

00:30:18.800 You know, a lot of people might say what she said is selfish and she's a young girl.

00:30:23.180 So obviously there's kids are selfish, but right.

00:30:27.180 And I don't actually think it's bad to hear that.

00:30:29.820 Like get over it.

00:30:31.000 Another one you might hear is man up.

00:30:32.820 Yeah.

00:30:33.200 Bingo.

00:30:36.080 Sometimes that's what the situation calls for.

00:30:38.520 So in the case of your daughter, you quote unquote, getting over it was important in your relationship with her.

00:30:45.680 Now there's other times that it would be appropriate for you not to get over it.

00:30:49.220 But with her, you got to, you have to.

00:30:51.840 Yeah.

00:30:52.080 Your responsibility.

00:30:53.340 Yeah.

00:30:53.460 Um, one thing that a couple of things that I wrote down here as you were talking, sometimes it's hard when you're dealing with something that you might be feeling guilty or shame about, uh, to get to work.

00:31:05.640 I've noticed this for myself is let's say you just got off of a bender and you have this moment of clarity.

00:31:15.060 Like I need to put alcohol down.

00:31:18.240 The hard part of that is that there's not really anything to do other than not drink.

00:31:24.420 Hmm.

00:31:25.900 So it doesn't really feel proactive for me.

00:31:28.880 Yeah.

00:31:29.320 I think men are very proactive.

00:31:31.740 What are we doing actively to combat this?

00:31:34.280 So in that case, in that example, one thing you could do that's proactive as opposed to just don't drink is you can get all the booze out of your house and you can pour it down the drain.

00:31:43.820 That's a proactive action.

00:31:46.320 Another thing you can do is you can jump online and you can find your local AA meeting.

00:31:50.880 That is proactivity.

00:31:53.020 It's not not doing something.

00:31:55.120 It's actually doing something.

00:31:57.340 Another one you might hear guys are like, oh, I need to lose weight.

00:32:00.020 I need to eat better.

00:32:00.960 However, not eating feels not productive.

00:32:04.960 Like I'm just not going to eat.

00:32:06.420 It's like the negative side of it, right?

00:32:08.380 Yeah.

00:32:08.640 And all you have to do is wait.

00:32:09.780 It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.

00:32:11.720 But what you can do is you can go into your refrigerator and you could clean it out.

00:32:17.280 You can go to the grocery store and replace all that junk food with good food.

00:32:21.000 And you can tonight do a meal prep for the rest of the week.

00:32:24.460 You can buy a cookbook and pull out a nice healthy recipe today and cook that for dinner.

00:32:33.080 So rather than not doing something, figure out a way to do something that has helped me a lot.

00:32:41.660 Like, oh, I just I just shouldn't feel bad.

00:32:44.100 OK, I agree.

00:32:46.160 But like, what are you going to do about it?

00:32:48.320 Journal.

00:32:49.240 Go to the gym.

00:32:50.400 Like there's always something that you can do.

00:32:52.140 The only other thing I would say, Kip, that you mentioned, and I think this is really important.

00:32:56.560 Have you this might be a bit rhetorical or maybe a silly question, because I think I already know the answer.

00:33:02.520 Have you ever had those post jujitsu training conversations where there's just three, four, five of you guys sitting on the mats?

00:33:13.100 You're no longer training things about life, think about your wife, things about health struggles or how work is this or how the politics are.

00:33:21.980 That some of those post training conversations are some of the most potent conversations I've ever had.

00:33:29.900 Totally.

00:33:30.500 But it requires two things, humility and honesty.

00:33:35.480 Men are not going to go first when it comes to making themselves vulnerable.

00:33:40.580 If I if I'm sitting in a post training conversation, we're just laying on the mats, gee tops off, we're just chilling, talking about whatever.

00:33:50.020 Everybody's going to say it's good.

00:33:51.480 They're all going to prop themselves up.

00:33:53.440 Oh, life's good.

00:33:54.240 Yeah, my relationship's awesome.

00:33:55.600 Oh, we just picked up this new client at work.

00:33:58.080 All of that is bullshit.

00:33:59.180 But nobody's going to say the truth until you do.

00:34:03.500 And so the truth is this, man, I'm glad your guys's relationship is going really well right now.

00:34:09.240 I'm actually struggling in my relationship.

00:34:11.760 Like the wife and I got into an argument last night and she's all pissed off because our finances aren't where they need to be.

00:34:19.020 And I'm trying to do everything I can, but it never feels like it's enough.

00:34:22.880 Somebody has to go first.

00:34:26.100 And as a leader and as a man, I think it should be you.

00:34:29.040 And when you do that, you'd be surprised how it opens the floodgates to real conversation, not just a bunch of dick measuring and posturing among men.

00:34:38.040 Yeah, absolutely.

00:34:39.900 I've had conversations like, how's life?

00:34:43.060 Not good, man.

00:34:44.600 I'm going in for surgery next week.

00:34:46.740 I have cancer.

00:34:48.140 You know, one guy, he actually lost his leg.

00:34:51.180 I'm like, how's that going?

00:34:52.880 Like, straight up, like, how's that going?

00:34:56.560 Like, do you still feel like it's there?

00:34:59.040 Does it ache?

00:35:00.000 Is there pain?

00:35:01.360 Like, anything and everything's on the tables, usually in that post, those post-training conversations.

00:35:08.180 Yeah, it's awesome.

00:35:10.820 So don't leave.

00:35:11.940 If you're going to train, don't leave right away.

00:35:14.300 Stick around.

00:35:15.700 Sit on the mat.

00:35:16.700 Stick around.

00:35:17.360 If nobody's there, ask them a question.

00:35:20.700 Get the conversation rolling.

00:35:22.140 Yeah.

00:35:22.260 Love it.

00:35:23.540 And by the way, when you're physically exhausted, all your capacity for posturing goes away.

00:35:29.980 So that's actually a really helpful time to do it.

00:35:32.420 Well, you're so humble.

00:35:33.400 You just spent the last hour getting your ass kicked.

00:35:36.020 So you're like, I don't care.

00:35:37.520 I have nothing to hide now.

00:35:40.320 Totally.

00:35:41.360 My balls were just in your face.

00:35:43.140 What else could I possibly share with you that would be worse than that?

00:35:46.700 Totally.

00:35:47.140 We've already gotten really intimate.

00:35:53.960 I love it.

00:35:54.700 All right.

00:35:54.880 What's next?

00:35:55.420 All right.

00:35:55.740 Drew Sains.

00:35:56.400 How did you reward yourself for turning things around in life financially?

00:36:01.460 I'm working to find a flow of paying off debt, investing, and still doing stuff I enjoy in the now.

00:36:06.960 How do you reward yourself for hitting milestones today?

00:36:10.680 This question is for both you fellows.

00:36:12.420 Thank you.

00:36:12.760 I'm actually a little wary about rewarding yourself in, and I would say in exorbitant ways.

00:36:20.900 You know, if, if you pay off your debt, like most people, what they'll do is they'll go buy a new car.

00:36:27.580 It's like, okay, congratulations.

00:36:29.720 You paid off debt.

00:36:30.320 Now you've got another $70,000 in debt.

00:36:33.000 Yeah.

00:36:33.300 Or it's like, uh, I, I met my macros today, so I'm eating donuts for dinner.

00:36:39.400 Yeah.

00:36:39.580 It's like, well, congratulations.

00:36:44.240 Like that seems weird.

00:36:45.660 There's so much incongruency in that, right?

00:36:48.220 It's like, I've been working so hard.

00:36:50.580 I've been so disciplined and focused and committed on this thing.

00:36:53.380 And now I'm going to reward myself by doing the exact opposite thing.

00:36:57.460 I worked everything for.

00:37:00.840 I mean, I'm not going to say I'm impervious to it.

00:37:02.880 I've done it, but I think better than that, you know, maybe a small little reward.

00:37:07.020 Maybe you pay off some debt and you and your wife go on a really nice, you know, go out

00:37:11.540 to a really nice steak dinner or something like that.

00:37:14.160 Yeah.

00:37:14.760 Um, you hit your fitness goals, you know, maybe you have a piece of apple pie or whatever your

00:37:19.300 go-to is and that's it.

00:37:21.520 Not the entire pizza.

00:37:23.460 Stay on, stay on track.

00:37:26.460 You know, I go back to alcohol.

00:37:28.280 Like imagine this.

00:37:29.580 It's like, man, I just hit three months of sobriety.

00:37:33.340 I'm doing so good to celebrate.

00:37:34.660 I'm going to have a fucking drink.

00:37:36.240 Let's get plastered.

00:37:38.120 Yeah.

00:37:38.860 Like it sounds so dumb when you say it like that, right?

00:37:42.920 So maybe treat yourself in a very small, appropriate way.

00:37:46.720 But I think more than that, it's wrapping up your identity in positive character traits.

00:37:53.160 So when you, so here's a reward, let's say you're 20 pounds overweight and you spent the

00:37:59.920 last month, 45 days, 60 days, really just hammering it down.

00:38:04.960 If you wrap up a sense of healthy identity and being a fit, healthy, lean, strong, capable

00:38:12.300 man, you don't need a reward.

00:38:15.240 The identity, the realization of the reward or of the, of the work is the reward.

00:38:20.500 Yeah, you get on the scale and you're like, yeah, 20 pounds less.

00:38:24.700 You look at yourself in the mirror and you start to see little lines on your stomach,

00:38:28.100 or maybe you can see your dick again.

00:38:30.020 I'm not trying to be gross, but like, that's the reward.

00:38:35.100 The reward is what you actually work towards.

00:38:37.820 Or if you're trying to learn how to be a better runner and all of a sudden, you know, now you

00:38:42.060 can run five miles or eight miles or 10 miles without stopping.

00:38:45.640 That's the reward achievement.

00:38:47.620 Yeah.

00:38:47.780 The achievement, what you're trying to accomplish is the reward.

00:38:51.660 And for me, when I wrap up my identity into it, like this is what a strong, healthy man

00:38:56.660 would do.

00:38:57.600 This is what a strong, capable man looks like.

00:39:00.280 This is how a good, healthy father leads his kids.

00:39:03.560 This is how an engaged partner communicates and works with his significant other.

00:39:08.840 This is how somebody who's dedicated to an engaging career acts and behaves and how he shows

00:39:15.860 up and when he shows up.

00:39:17.080 And to me, that's the reward.

00:39:18.900 Not like, oh, give myself something to offset all the hard work I did.

00:39:23.540 No, keep going with it.

00:39:25.640 Well, when I read this, Drew, like the first thought I have is, is what you're doing sustainable.

00:39:32.200 And, and you're trying to have these major, uh, rewards to make it bearable, but it's almost

00:39:40.320 not going to be bearable.

00:39:42.960 Right?

00:39:43.540 So, so be careful whether it's this or whether it's your fitness or whatever that you're,

00:39:49.680 cause we get this in the iron council all the time.

00:39:51.380 Right?

00:39:51.620 Guys go into like, I'm doing all the things.

00:39:54.740 Right.

00:39:55.580 And it's like, and that, that, that stuff's hard.

00:39:58.900 It's so hard that they'll be like, I need to give myself a reward.

00:40:01.940 I need a break from this because this is not sustainable.

00:40:05.680 I, I would suggest make sure that whatever you're doing is just sustainable period.

00:40:12.020 And, and that way it's bearable and you don't need rewards and milestones be able to keep

00:40:18.020 going because you're not biting off too much.

00:40:21.400 Right.

00:40:22.040 And, and as an example, from a financial perspective, I don't know why this has always

00:40:26.180 resonated with me, but like the idea of your own, uh, discretionary spending, right?

00:40:31.460 Like you have so much money that you get to have that you can blow on anything you want.

00:40:35.820 And that's part of your financial plan.

00:40:37.740 So that way it's bearable and you can buy something stupid because you want to, right?

00:40:43.860 And you don't feel like you're locked too harsh in, but, but it makes it a little bit more

00:40:49.640 bearable.

00:40:50.060 Right.

00:40:50.440 So I just look, make sure that what you're doing is sustainable is ultimately what I'm,

00:40:54.640 what I'm saying.

00:40:56.940 Kip, in addition to that, I would say, and make sure that you realize that there are going

00:41:02.140 to be moments of intensity in your life.

00:41:04.020 Yeah.

00:41:04.480 Good point.

00:41:05.700 And it's just going to happen.

00:41:06.840 It's not always going to be easy.

00:41:07.740 I had to, yeah.

00:41:09.540 Like there might be a situation where you need to lose 20 pounds or something like that.

00:41:14.220 Okay.

00:41:15.020 Like, and maybe you have to do that in 90 days.

00:41:16.980 You know, I think about this when it comes to bodybuilding, some of these physique type

00:41:20.420 challenges.

00:41:20.980 Those are moments of intensity and it's just going to happen.

00:41:24.860 People put themselves into those situations.

00:41:26.540 They need to be intense for 90 days.

00:41:28.640 Good.

00:41:29.100 Do it.

00:41:30.040 Then when you get done with it, don't go off the deep end, just scale back a little bit.

00:41:37.240 Right.

00:41:37.480 And that's, that's the difference is we're not going to do these like extreme highs and

00:41:42.020 lows.

00:41:42.640 We're trying to moderate.

00:41:43.780 I think this is your point, Kip, moderate your behavior.

00:41:46.320 So it's sustainable and you don't have to like retreat or withdraw or do something different

00:41:50.920 because you're actually doing something that's really sustainable.

00:41:53.480 Even in those moments of intensity, if you're here and you got to go to those moments of intensity,

00:41:58.500 go to the moments of intensity.

00:42:00.200 But when you're done, drop back down to where you were, not crash down here.

00:42:05.120 Yeah.

00:42:06.940 Yeah.

00:42:07.600 I love it.

00:42:08.320 All right.

00:42:08.700 Matthew Keaton.

00:42:11.040 Let's see.

00:42:12.700 Tips, tricks, ways you have found to be successful with creating smart goals, specifically for

00:42:18.920 connection quadrant objectives in our battle plans.

00:42:23.920 I'm just writing that down quadrant.

00:42:25.780 Okay.

00:42:26.020 So the connection quadrant connection quadrant for those who might not be familiar is the

00:42:30.500 relationships that you have with other people, smart goals.

00:42:32.880 Everybody knows what that is, but with our battle planning system that we use, our, our

00:42:38.100 job is to have an overarching vision for our lives.

00:42:42.540 Second is to have objectives in each one of the quadrants and connection is one of them.

00:42:46.580 And then third is we have tactics, things that we can do on a daily basis to complete

00:42:50.820 those things.

00:42:51.440 The problem with connection is sometimes they're fluffy, right?

00:42:55.540 So a connection, a weak connection objective might be, I want to have a better relationship

00:43:01.480 with my kids.

00:43:03.260 I think it's a worthy pursuit, but it's just kind of a weak objective because there's no

00:43:07.540 real way to quantify, to measure, to articulate.

00:43:11.500 You don't even know if you're doing it or not or what it actually looks like.

00:43:14.840 So a very easy thing that you can do is you can create a survey or a rating scale to find

00:43:25.040 out where you are with the things that are important to you.

00:43:28.260 So if it's connection, for example, uh, with your children, time spent might be a metric

00:43:34.240 you measure, uh, quality of time might be a metric.

00:43:38.200 Certainly the way they feel about the time that you're spending, maybe it's, uh, engaging

00:43:46.680 in new hobbies and interests because that's fun and educational and fosters character building

00:43:52.280 and connection, but you come up with four or five things and then you rate yourself on

00:43:56.340 a scale from one to 10.

00:43:58.060 Hey, I want to be more connected with my kids, but right now I see that the biggest gap is I'm

00:44:02.540 busted my ass at work and I'm never at home.

00:44:05.060 So the biggest thing for you is going to be quantity of time and quality of time.

00:44:11.880 And if you look at those and measure yourself now, you're like, yeah, like I'm a, I'm a four

00:44:18.000 in each one of those on a scale from one to 10.

00:44:21.200 Now you can start to identify what is it that you need to do in order to move that to a seven

00:44:26.620 or an eight or a nine.

00:44:28.220 If it's quality of time, maybe you need to manage your schedule better at work.

00:44:33.200 Excuse me.

00:44:33.680 I said quality.

00:44:34.260 I meant quantity.

00:44:34.880 If it's quantity of time, yeah, measure, maybe it's measuring your, uh, how well you

00:44:41.680 do at work, your, your time management at work, because if you're bringing your work

00:44:45.060 home, that's obviously going to spill into the quantity of time you have with your kids.

00:44:49.380 Or maybe I don't even have my cell phone.

00:44:51.500 It's over there.

00:44:52.880 Maybe it's putting that stupid little device away.

00:44:55.260 And that's something that you can do is you can get an app that locks your phone down from

00:45:00.500 the hours of 5.30 PM to, uh, 6 AM in the morning.

00:45:07.780 Yeah.

00:45:08.180 And so now all of a sudden your phone is locked down and your tactic is no phone, no technology,

00:45:14.980 no TV, none of that from the hours of 5.30 to 10 o'clock at night.

00:45:19.560 Because we know through doing that, obviously the quantity of time that you have with your

00:45:26.080 kids is going to be increased.

00:45:27.640 I would also make sure that you include people in the decision-making process.

00:45:31.740 So if you're trying to improve relationships with kids, then you should get some opinion

00:45:36.120 on how they feel about it.

00:45:37.500 So you do your, your survey and then you ask them the same questions and you ask them to

00:45:42.960 rate you.

00:45:44.720 If it's quality time with your wife, same thing.

00:45:48.420 And then you can start to quantify, which will actually allow you to measure what you're

00:45:54.400 doing.

00:45:54.700 And you know, a hundred percent, you know that if you put that phone down in the afternoon,

00:45:59.200 you're not checking emails, you're not on the computer, you're not on the TV, you're

00:46:02.520 not on your phone.

00:46:03.840 Of course your connection with your kids is going to get better.

00:46:06.280 And that's how we break it down to the nth degree.

00:46:09.780 So there's no guesswork.

00:46:11.960 It's not even a matter of if this will work.

00:46:14.340 It's just how quickly it will.

00:46:16.760 Yeah.

00:46:17.360 I love it.

00:46:18.200 Nothing to add really.

00:46:19.560 I purposely, I mean, you know this, I think I shared it last week, you know, no phone at

00:46:25.020 home from six to nine.

00:46:26.900 And, and it's really just for me to focus on being present, uh, because I'm multitasking

00:46:33.040 or I'm distracting myself versus being with my family.

00:46:35.700 And so, um, shout out to that concept, but yeah, nothing, nothing to really add from

00:46:40.920 that perspective.

00:46:42.720 And Kip, a lot of guys will have something like that, but then they'll in the next breath

00:46:46.320 say, but I can't because valid.

00:46:50.000 There are some valid things there.

00:46:51.260 So make a plan to deal with it.

00:46:55.040 That's it.

00:46:55.620 Like I can't, because my boss might be calling.

00:46:58.060 Well, you conditioned your boss to call you between the hours of six and nine.

00:47:02.060 Maybe there's a conversation you need to have with your boss about how you're not available

00:47:05.460 from those times.

00:47:06.440 But in order to be available when you need me, here's what's more appropriate for me.

00:47:11.060 Yeah.

00:47:11.380 Even as an employee, you should be able to make that.

00:47:14.040 I had a kid one time I was, so my background when I was young, I was managing clothing

00:47:19.040 stores, the buckle.

00:47:20.640 And I was making the schedule and I had just either become a manager or management and training.

00:47:26.560 And there was this kid, I can't remember his name.

00:47:28.400 I think it was Logan.

00:47:30.160 And I said, Hey Logan, I need, I put you on the schedule.

00:47:32.160 Here's the schedule.

00:47:32.780 And I'll never forget this.

00:47:34.900 He said, I don't work on Sundays.

00:47:39.420 He didn't say, I can't work.

00:47:42.380 He didn't say, can you please not schedule me on Sundays?

00:47:46.860 He said, I do not work on Sundays.

00:47:49.680 And I said, I might need you on Sundays.

00:47:51.240 And here's what he said, a young kid.

00:47:53.860 Then I guess I'll have to find another job.

00:47:57.520 That's awesome.

00:48:00.980 I was pissed.

00:48:02.260 And the more I thought about it, I was like, damn, I kind of liked this kid.

00:48:08.440 And guess what?

00:48:09.560 I kept him around.

00:48:10.960 He worked his butt off when he was there.

00:48:13.600 And I never scheduled him on a Sunday.

00:48:18.120 Other people, sure.

00:48:19.460 That didn't have that boundary, but he had it.

00:48:22.280 And he was so convicted in it that he said to me, I guess I'll need to find another job then.

00:48:27.640 Don't tell me it can't be done if a 16, 17-year-old kid can't stand up in a very competitive job for a 16-year-old.

00:48:37.520 Working at a women's clothing store, that's the best job he could ever have.

00:48:41.580 And he was willing to let it go because of his boundaries.

00:48:44.920 Pretty powerful stuff.

00:48:46.000 Yeah, that's awesome.

00:48:47.880 That's awesome.

00:48:49.060 All right, man.

00:48:49.940 I got...

00:48:52.060 So first, let me apologize, Ralph.

00:48:54.740 He has a very long question.

00:48:57.060 I saw the longness of it.

00:48:59.860 It's a great question.

00:49:01.900 Well, actually, you would probably argue it's not that good of a question.

00:49:05.680 But it's more of a statement.

00:49:06.900 And I'm not sure 100% of where the question...

00:49:09.500 It's kind of one of those questions, like any ideas and suggestions.

00:49:11.700 All right, get to the essence of it.

00:49:12.720 Let's see what we got.

00:49:13.380 So let's try this out.

00:49:15.500 Ultimately, I'm going to paraphrase because it would take us too long, Ralph, to actually read it.

00:49:20.300 But he has lived a life where he has been burned by over 95% of the people closest to him.

00:49:31.980 As a result, right, he's learned to deal with that, right?

00:49:36.440 Extremely capable, not dependent on people, doesn't worry about relationships,

00:49:41.760 has become a lone wolf, has made it work, right?

00:49:45.980 But has very much of that mentality.

00:49:49.600 And he struggles with trying to generate relationships, right?

00:49:57.980 And be proficient and actually, like, be better at community and whatnot.

00:50:04.640 Any suggestions for him where kind of history has proven, hey, dude, you can't trust people.

00:50:11.960 And you have to be alone.

00:50:13.600 And he has been successful from his perspective at doing that.

00:50:17.520 How does he move away from that mentality?

00:50:21.300 Hopefully, I did you justice, Ralph.

00:50:23.080 If you didn't, you can clarify and yell at Kip next week.

00:50:27.360 I don't think it's a bad question.

00:50:29.960 I think, what makes you say, I think that would be a bad question or not a good one?

00:50:33.680 Because it's not specific, right?

00:50:35.660 Like, okay, got it.

00:50:37.260 It's like, well, what is the area that you're struggling with specifically, right?

00:50:41.360 Yeah.

00:50:41.880 Because that was one of my follow-ups is, are we talking romantically?

00:50:45.440 Are we talking about platonic friendships?

00:50:47.380 That was one of the first things that came to mind.

00:50:49.200 Yeah.

00:50:49.380 I don't know if he clarified that or not.

00:50:50.660 He didn't clarify it, but from the way it reads, it's just encompassing, not necessarily romantic.

00:50:57.060 Yeah.

00:50:57.400 Okay.

00:50:58.360 I actually think it's a really good topic because I think there's a lot of men that deal with that.

00:51:02.680 And they've isolated themselves.

00:51:04.320 But here's what I would say.

00:51:05.320 And here's where I'm going to challenge.

00:51:06.340 It was Ralph, right?

00:51:07.160 Yes.

00:51:07.820 He said he's making it work.

00:51:10.120 Well, Ralph, if it's working, why are you asking me about it?

00:51:13.280 Because you know it's not working.

00:51:14.560 So you can't say on one breath it's working and in the next breath say, but it's not working.

00:51:19.020 Like, which one is it?

00:51:19.960 Is it working?

00:51:20.660 And you're satisfied or is it not working?

00:51:22.580 And if it's not working, which is the case, because you're asking us about it,

00:51:25.220 then you have to identify why it's not working.

00:51:27.680 Trust is hard, man.

00:51:29.320 Like all of us have been burned.

00:51:31.200 You're not unique.

00:51:32.520 You're not special.

00:51:34.780 I'm not trying to assume here, but trust me, nobody's out to personally get you.

00:51:39.440 It's not anything personal.

00:51:41.320 It's not that people just don't like you as an individual.

00:51:43.680 It's that we're all so self-absorbed and we have all of our own self-interest.

00:51:48.080 And even if it's completely innocuous, innocuous, excuse me, there are still things that just don't work out.

00:51:56.540 Like, for example, relationships.

00:51:58.180 Some relationships don't work.

00:51:59.880 Not because the other person hates you.

00:52:01.940 It's just, it doesn't work.

00:52:04.900 Time, values, goals, desires, personalities, it just doesn't work.

00:52:09.600 And so is that a betrayal of your trust?

00:52:11.980 Of course it isn't.

00:52:13.500 So how are you interpreting it, right?

00:52:15.980 But what I would say to you is that trust is something that you actually have to do.

00:52:20.380 It's not something that you just have.

00:52:22.540 It's a verb.

00:52:24.540 You have to be trusting.

00:52:26.560 So every day you have to wake up and say, you know what?

00:52:30.160 I trust that Kip's going to show up to this conversation.

00:52:33.460 He's going to show up prepared.

00:52:34.460 When I call you, Kip, about personal issues I might be dealing with, I'm deciding to be trusting.

00:52:40.580 You could take that information.

00:52:42.000 You could share it with the world.

00:52:43.580 You could do all sorts of things.

00:52:45.340 You could mock me.

00:52:46.580 You could make me feel like garbage.

00:52:48.000 There's so many things you could do to betray that trust.

00:52:50.880 But I'm choosing to do it anyways because we've built it up over time in small incremental ways.

00:52:56.440 We've known each other for, what, nine years now?

00:52:58.260 If I didn't feel that, we wouldn't be in the relationship that we have in the context that we have now.

00:53:05.160 So you can build those up in a very small, simple way and build more trust on top of more trust.

00:53:13.800 And it's a choice.

00:53:14.760 The last thing I would say is that you have to let go of expectations.

00:53:20.240 The people who struggle with trust the most are the ones who have unrealistic expectations of themselves and other people.

00:53:28.260 And they believe that it's people's responsibility to make them feel good about themselves or to show up in a powerful way or to do all the things the same way they would do it.

00:53:38.200 Kip, I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, but I don't have any sort of false expectations that you care as much about this business as I do.

00:53:49.800 And that's not meant as a slight.

00:53:51.760 That's not meant as I think you're not doing what you could be doing.

00:53:55.520 It just means you have other things going on.

00:53:58.020 And so I'm not going to hold you to that standard.

00:54:00.920 It's unrealistic.

00:54:02.020 It's not even a fair standard to hold you to.

00:54:05.960 So what kind of standards are you holding people to?

00:54:09.460 You know, with my girlfriend and I, it's not her responsibility to make me feel good about my life's decisions.

00:54:15.300 That's my responsibility.

00:54:17.900 And also, I like being validated and I like hearing those things, but ultimately, I don't think it's her job.

00:54:26.000 Because if I think it's her job and she doesn't do it, then how do I feel about our relationship?

00:54:30.780 Of course, I think less of it.

00:54:32.240 The only time you should have an expectation of somebody is when there's express understanding about what that expectation is.

00:54:40.040 Here's one thing I got into a lot.

00:54:42.180 And I did this a lot more when I was drinking.

00:54:44.400 I had just this really judgmental thing about other people.

00:54:52.580 And I would see somebody who's overweight at the gym and I'm like, oh, that person's gross.

00:54:57.200 Oh, this.

00:54:57.900 Oh, that.

00:55:00.780 Why is that my job to judge whether they're doing what they should be doing or not?

00:55:06.040 It's not my job.

00:55:08.080 But you know what?

00:55:08.720 It is my job.

00:55:10.360 When I'm at the gym and I see somebody's busting their ass who might be a little overweight to say, hey, I saw you kicking ass today.

00:55:15.600 Good work.

00:55:16.700 Or, hey, I see you every day at the gym.

00:55:18.140 I don't think we've ever met.

00:55:18.860 What's your name?

00:55:19.880 Like, you can do that.

00:55:21.140 But as far as the expectations go, I think the more you can let go of expectations, faulty, unrealistic expectations of others, the more that you're going to be trusting.

00:55:29.220 Because I don't really need a lot from anybody.

00:55:33.600 Like, I'm so happy and content and satisfied, for the most part, not always, with what I have going on.

00:55:39.080 Here's another thing I'd say.

00:55:40.820 Again, I'm not trying to throw you under the bus at all when I say these things, Kip.

00:55:43.900 It's just they make good examples.

00:55:46.040 If this one's going to sound a little harsh, but I think it's important we know this.

00:55:50.960 If you came to me today and you're like, hey, Ryan, I can't do the podcast anymore.

00:55:57.060 Okay.

00:55:58.380 Thanks for everything we've done.

00:56:00.240 And I love you still.

00:56:01.600 Let's have a relation.

00:56:02.400 And that's it.

00:56:03.020 But guess what?

00:56:04.280 I'm still doing the podcast.

00:56:05.800 And I'll find somebody else.

00:56:07.640 And somebody else will fill in.

00:56:08.720 And somebody else will do a wonderful job.

00:56:10.220 And it might take a few people to go through and do some tests.

00:56:13.200 We'll find somebody.

00:56:14.680 Again, that's not a slight against you.

00:56:16.140 It just means like.

00:56:17.260 It's reality.

00:56:18.280 I'm fine.

00:56:19.420 I'm fine.

00:56:20.620 If my girlfriend came to me today and she's like, hey, I don't want to do this anymore.

00:56:23.740 I'd be heartbroken.

00:56:24.780 I'd be hurt.

00:56:25.320 I'd be upset.

00:56:26.320 And I would be fine.

00:56:27.900 Because I don't need all of that.

00:56:29.620 I like that.

00:56:30.300 I like the companionship.

00:56:31.420 I like the partnership you and I have.

00:56:33.060 I like relationships I have with other people.

00:56:34.680 But I'm okay with my own skill set, my own belief in myself.

00:56:40.960 And I don't need it from a whole lot of other people.

00:56:43.600 These are all good things.

00:56:45.280 Ralph, I'm a little bit hesitant to say what I want to say because I don't want.

00:56:51.180 You're in it.

00:56:52.400 This is what I call it.

00:56:53.340 You're in it.

00:56:54.060 Right?

00:56:54.200 This is some good stuff.

00:56:55.740 Good struggles.

00:56:56.760 I know it's not fun.

00:56:57.880 But I'm excited for you because you're dealing with it.

00:57:03.380 And you're confronting things and whatnot.

00:57:05.800 So it's all good.

00:57:06.680 Don't beat yourself up.

00:57:08.120 All I heard was 95% of people have burnt me.

00:57:12.400 What's it about?

00:57:13.660 You?

00:57:14.580 How about all the people that you're not serving and you're not helping?

00:57:19.480 Right?

00:57:19.580 Your whole question is all about how people and you and you and you.

00:57:25.420 And I really feel like I don't think like I have some quote unquote people that have burned me in my life.

00:57:34.020 You know how I dealt with those is realizing they weren't burning me.

00:57:37.920 Realizing that they're people and they have their own stories and their own struggles and their own difficulties.

00:57:46.320 And did it affect me?

00:57:48.440 Absolutely.

00:57:48.920 Did the interpretation and meaning I put around their actions affect me even more?

00:57:55.140 Yes.

00:57:56.860 Most of the suffering and pain that I experienced on the hands of someone else was more in my interpretation of their actions than their actions themselves.

00:58:06.000 And in most cases, their actions, they weren't even thinking about me.

00:58:10.660 They're thinking about themselves.

00:58:12.720 But yet, I took it as them attacking me, them burning me.

00:58:18.240 No, they weren't.

00:58:20.020 And most people aren't.

00:58:22.840 And so, my challenge to you is, don't worry about people helping you.

00:58:29.180 Why don't you start looking to serve and help others?

00:58:33.800 And make your focus of stop being a lone wolf, not about you and how it benefits you or may or may not be good for you.

00:58:43.520 Actually, focus on what are you doing for others and what model are you setting for your daughters and your kids around the idea that living a life of fulfillment and purpose is often found in the service of others.

00:58:59.200 So, let's serve people without a covert contract of how it's going to benefit us or if we trust them.

00:59:05.820 No, you extend why?

00:59:07.640 Because that's what caring is.

00:59:09.460 And look for opportunities to care for people.

00:59:11.900 And the irony is about this, in the process of caring for those that you serve, and I don't know where the quote was or the study that I read, but I read this a couple weeks ago.

00:59:22.320 I find it fascinating.

00:59:23.820 One of the key ways that you actually increase the level of care for others is always in the service of them, which isn't surprising.

00:59:33.160 I've heard that my entire life in church.

00:59:36.020 If you're feeling down about yourself, what should you do?

00:59:40.100 Go serve someone.

00:59:42.560 Go show love and affection and care for someone else.

00:59:45.900 And in that process, you're going to feel and step into that position of community and the importance of community in your life.

00:59:54.320 It's powerful, man.

00:59:55.220 I was digging through just some articles because you said there was a study, and I was seeing if I could see it.

00:59:59.620 I couldn't.

00:59:59.880 I know.

01:00:00.520 I'd have to find it.

01:00:01.200 I'm making shit up, really.

01:00:02.320 I have no idea if there's a study.

01:00:03.600 Yeah, yeah, 99% of participants of this fake survey say they feel better when they don't focus on themselves.

01:00:10.460 They give all their shit to other people.

01:00:12.040 Yeah, 100% of the time it works, 70%.

01:00:15.660 And if you guys want to do that, I have some yard maintenance that needs to get taken care of this weekend.

01:00:20.420 So if you want to feel better, that's all I'm saying.

01:00:22.080 That's my love.

01:00:22.720 If you want to feel better about it, come on over, and I'll let you guys get to work.

01:00:27.540 Do you remember Yes Man?

01:00:29.440 Do you remember that show?

01:00:30.900 So funny.

01:00:31.840 No.

01:00:32.180 No?

01:00:32.540 Oh, I don't think so.

01:00:33.980 I won't make a reference.

01:00:36.480 No, it's Jim Carrey.

01:00:38.760 And he goes to this conference where everyone says yes to everything, and then they go outside the conference asking for things, and all the people say yes because they just went to a conference about saying yes to everything.

01:00:49.780 I don't know.

01:00:50.240 It's funny.

01:00:52.120 Yeah, there's some irony.

01:00:53.040 And the only other thing I added on here, Kip, as you were talking, is just to be really tactical on this, is just decide to trust people in very small, controllable ways.

01:01:02.800 And then you can build on from there.

01:01:05.780 So we talked about being a jiu-jitsu, for example.

01:01:08.700 A very small way to determine if this is a friendship that you might develop is just let some of the guys know what you're struggling with.

01:01:17.200 You don't need to pour your guts out, and you think you're going to go through a divorce, and you're like, no.

01:01:21.860 No, just, hey, I'm struggling with this, and see how people respond to it.

01:01:25.680 If they mock you, you don't give them any more trust.

01:01:28.260 If they dismiss it, then they're not somebody who's interested, and so you don't extend any more trust.

01:01:32.700 But you can do that in very incremental ways if you pay attention.

01:01:35.740 And if you say something like that, and a guy comes up to you and be like, hey, man, like, you were talking about it.

01:01:41.080 Is everything okay?

01:01:42.220 Like, it sounds like you're really struggling.

01:01:44.180 That's somebody who's a little bit more trustworthy than you thought they were before.

01:01:48.360 Yeah.

01:01:48.660 And so you make the decision to be trusting with small, controllable information, and I think it's better just to be trusting as an individual as just a default.

01:02:01.220 I'm not saying put yourself in dangerous circumstances.

01:02:06.100 Like, still be smart.

01:02:07.620 But, yeah, I'm also not going to go out and give my bank account information to the first guy I meet at Jiu-Jitsu.

01:02:13.340 But there might be a reason for me to give you, Kip, my credit card and say, hey, the PIN is X, Y, Z.

01:02:19.100 And I'm okay with that because of the trust that we've built over eight years.

01:02:22.440 I'm not worried about that.

01:02:23.560 Right?

01:02:23.820 So it builds up incrementally over time.

01:02:26.460 Yeah.

01:02:26.640 I love this.

01:02:27.620 In fact, it's a perfect segue, just really quick, Ryan, to see if you'd add anything.

01:02:31.200 So Joshua Kusis, his question is really around recognizing the contrasting – he's been recognizing the contrasting difference between weaknesses and vulnerability.

01:02:41.640 And his question is, is how do you men recognize when you have someone you can trust enough to be vulnerable with in order to gain support to go through a season of removing that vulnerability in your life?

01:02:53.160 So anything that you would add, right, of how do you recognize that or create that in those conversations that you would add to what you've already said around extending trust?

01:03:01.900 How did you treat what I gave you?

01:03:04.240 That's it.

01:03:04.920 When I decide to give you a little bit of information about me that is vulnerable –

01:03:09.560 What did you do with it?

01:03:10.140 I don't like that word.

01:03:11.180 That's a whole other conversation.

01:03:12.640 We can talk about that later.

01:03:13.480 But in the spirit of the way you're asking, if I give you a piece of me, my heart, my soul, like the way I'm feeling about something, my fears, my insecurities, how did you treat that gift?

01:03:25.820 Were you reckless with it?

01:03:27.540 Were you dismissive of it?

01:03:29.100 Yeah.

01:03:29.900 Or did you cherish it?

01:03:31.240 Did you guard it?

01:03:32.340 Did you protect it?

01:03:34.420 Did you nurture it?

01:03:35.380 Did you foster it?

01:03:36.380 And if you did those things, then I know that I'm allowed to be – again, I almost throw up on my mouth a little bit when I say it.

01:03:45.800 But then I know I'm allowed to be vulnerable with you because you've created that environment for us.

01:03:51.200 That's it.

01:03:52.240 But if somebody starts getting reckless with the gifts that you give and the thoughts that you have and the insecurities that you deal with, that's not a person to be trusted.

01:04:00.700 And you can maintain a relationship to whatever degree, but there should always be a little bit of a barrier and a little bit of wall between what you communicate with that person.

01:04:11.060 Part of the problem with being vulnerable is we've just been led to believe that you ought to just regurgitate and throw up all your bullshit on everybody and anyone in the sake of getting it out.

01:04:21.120 And that will somehow help you and make you feel better.

01:04:23.440 It won't.

01:04:24.740 We need to be prudent and discerning.

01:04:27.460 I'm not going to share everything with somebody I just met, but I may share a little bit and then see how you treat the gift that I gave you.

01:04:35.180 Well, and I feel like you kind of – don't you already kind of know how those people are going to react?

01:04:40.440 I mean maybe if you haven't had in-depth conversations with people, then maybe you don't know their mindset of how – if they're empathetic or if they have a growth mindset or not.

01:04:53.740 But I don't know.

01:04:55.120 I don't think so, Kip.

01:04:56.000 I don't think so.

01:04:57.040 I mean, sure, if you know them long enough, sure.

01:05:00.880 But there's a lot of conversations.

01:05:03.180 Like I think about it in romantic relationships.

01:05:05.520 A man can say some things that he has on his heart or his mind that when he decides to share that with a woman, there's some real risk there.

01:05:15.080 Yeah.

01:05:15.600 And I don't know how you're going to take this.

01:05:17.340 And that could be everything from what dreams I have to fears and doubts and worries about the things that keep me up at night.

01:05:28.460 It could even be sexual.

01:05:30.840 Like here's things that I like to do from an intimacy connection.

01:05:34.780 There's real risk with sharing all of that.

01:05:37.380 And there has to be at some point a very first time you start sharing those things.

01:05:41.360 And I think it's the man's job to go first.

01:05:43.880 I even think about in the context of love.

01:05:46.360 Like when I started dating my girlfriend, I was the first person to say I love you to her.

01:05:51.440 Because that's, a man goes first.

01:05:54.100 That's how I see it.

01:05:55.400 Yeah.

01:05:55.540 Like it's not her job to go first.

01:05:58.240 It's my job to go first.

01:05:59.920 Because I think at that time that she was feeling the same thing.

01:06:03.900 And I know I was.

01:06:05.260 But I'm the man.

01:06:06.480 I'm the one who's supposed to take the risk.

01:06:08.700 And so when she said it back, there's no risk to her, which is how it should be.

01:06:13.160 But there was risk to me.

01:06:14.660 Because if I said that and she was like, yeah, I don't feel that way.

01:06:18.940 That's a hard situation.

01:06:20.460 But it's our job as men, I think.

01:06:22.940 That's my belief anyways.

01:06:24.140 Yeah.

01:06:24.300 That it's our job to go first and assume the risk in these types of scenarios.

01:06:28.380 I'm not interested in putting that on her.

01:06:30.480 And I'm not interested in putting that on other people either, by the way.

01:06:33.140 It's my job.

01:06:34.280 I like that.

01:06:35.080 So in summary, what you would say is ultimately see what they do with it.

01:06:39.720 And that's how you know.

01:06:41.860 And maybe the share is at different levels depending on where you're at in the relationship

01:06:47.600 of what you can trust with people and see what they do with what you give them.

01:06:52.260 And that determines ultimately if this is someone that you can be more trustworthy with.

01:06:58.120 And if somebody betrays your trust, then you can look at that as a learning opportunity.

01:07:03.920 Don't go toxic.

01:07:06.160 Toxicity would say, you can't trust anyone.

01:07:09.180 Yeah.

01:07:09.320 That's what hurt men will do, right?

01:07:11.560 A woman will break their heart and he'll expose himself or put himself out there.

01:07:17.180 He'll do everything he can do to let her know how he feels about her and take real risks and invest in the relationship.

01:07:24.900 And she could still break his heart.

01:07:26.260 And then what he'll say is, all women are like this.

01:07:31.000 No, that one might have been.

01:07:33.040 Yeah.

01:07:33.580 But not all women are like that.

01:07:35.080 So don't go toxic with it.

01:07:36.700 I have to say this, man, because I can't help but think of all the scenarios by which guys will hear what we're saying and think, oh, man, okay, great.

01:07:44.900 I'm going to grab my buddy and be a little vulnerable or share something.

01:07:51.040 This is the risk.

01:07:51.920 And it's not the bunny you should be talking to either.

01:07:57.260 Right?

01:07:58.360 That's the other thing to consider here.

01:08:00.320 And so how do you address that?

01:08:02.700 And one way I've addressed this is I'll grab a great book that really resonates with me.

01:08:09.360 Five Agreements, for instance, or the Four Agreements.

01:08:11.680 I don't know what it is about him, but I love that book.

01:08:15.260 I love it.

01:08:16.760 If I gave that book to my buddy Richard and say, hey, Richard, dude, you should read this book.

01:08:20.980 It's really good.

01:08:21.480 And he reads it.

01:08:22.020 And then he goes, yeah, dude, that book is stupid.

01:08:25.220 Like, I don't even get it, right?

01:08:26.380 Like, lame.

01:08:27.900 You know, let's talk about sports.

01:08:29.480 And I'm making this up.

01:08:30.980 I'm not going to Richard for advice around some mindset scenarios that that book resonates with me.

01:08:38.980 Because it didn't resonate with him.

01:08:42.140 But you can still go to the game with him.

01:08:44.000 Yeah.

01:08:44.540 But he's not the guy that I'm going to go to for that kind of conversation, right?

01:08:48.000 Because we're obviously not on the same page.

01:08:50.200 And he may be even be trustworthy.

01:08:52.280 But how is he going to handle in-depth kip and my over-analyzing of my relationships with my spouse?

01:08:58.800 He's going to be like, oh, that sucks, bro.

01:09:01.860 And then we move on.

01:09:02.840 I'm like, that was worthless.

01:09:05.040 And he could be highly trustworthy.

01:09:06.660 It's just we're not in the same path, maybe in certain areas.

01:09:09.960 And so some of this is the vetting the person, not just are they trustworthy?

01:09:14.120 Well, so have you ever been in a situation where you were going to do something?

01:09:21.180 And this is an interpersonal communication with a relationship.

01:09:23.500 You were going to do something or you were going to say something.

01:09:26.480 But you decided not to and you changed based on how you think they would have responded.

01:09:32.680 So that means that you're not being honest with yourself.

01:09:36.260 So, for example, if you're, let's say you're dating and she says something to you.

01:09:43.120 Or you're really excited about something you want to share and you're going to call her or you're going to text her.

01:09:48.560 And you're like, no, I'm probably bothering her.

01:09:51.080 No, she's busy.

01:09:52.320 No, I don't think she would like to hear about this thing.

01:09:55.620 And so you change who you are for her.

01:09:59.360 I mean, maybe that continues the relationship a little bit longer.

01:10:02.660 But ultimately, you're lying.

01:10:05.520 Yeah, you're missing out.

01:10:07.060 That's not you.

01:10:07.700 So the risk is, no, I'm going to be fully me knowing that you might not like it.

01:10:14.220 And I'd actually like to know that as soon as possible so we can stop investing in each other.

01:10:19.320 Totally.

01:10:20.140 Well, and this is where you'll find relationships.

01:10:22.460 I've had these actually like quite a, not quite a bit.

01:10:26.480 I shouldn't say that because it sounds bad.

01:10:28.060 But I've had relationships over the last five years where they were my person.

01:10:33.840 Like they're like an amazing person that I got along with really well.

01:10:37.320 And they're not anymore.

01:10:39.920 For no reason other than I came to that realization of like, oh, yeah, we're just not on the same path.

01:10:48.140 Not good, not bad.

01:10:49.260 That just, yeah, doesn't benefit me, doesn't really benefit them.

01:10:54.940 And it is what it is.

01:10:57.000 Yeah.

01:10:57.840 It's weird.

01:10:58.860 Good questions today, man.

01:11:00.100 We went deep on some stuff.

01:11:02.560 Yeah, not too bad.

01:11:04.020 So call to action.

01:11:05.380 I mean, I think the key thing to our iron council is closed for enrollment next quarter.

01:11:12.240 But maybe you talk through your fun stuff.

01:11:16.200 What was the Montana knife companies?

01:11:18.040 When is that dropping again?

01:11:20.380 Maybe what's the touch base on those?

01:11:21.540 Yeah, so this is, yeah, again, this is called the Flat Tail from Montana Knife Company.

01:11:25.940 They are a sponsor, you know, on full disclosure, they're a sponsor.

01:11:29.360 But I only work with companies that I believe in.

01:11:32.320 Montana Knife Company, Sorenx, Origin, you know, other organizations that I heard an ad on a man's podcast.

01:11:40.320 It was like a pre-programmed ad and it was for bedwetting sheets.

01:11:45.060 What the fuck?

01:11:46.220 Like, this guy, like, this is not, this is not relational.

01:11:52.100 This is transactional at this point.

01:11:54.280 So when you guys hear me talk about Origin or Montana or Sorenx or any of these other organizations,

01:12:00.540 it's because I use their knives.

01:12:02.520 It's because I actually have their products.

01:12:05.940 I mean, I have bedwetting sheets too, but, you know, I don't want to talk about that.

01:12:08.660 But we got, we got about 10 more years before we start worrying about the bedwetting sheets.

01:12:13.120 Yeah, that's right.

01:12:14.280 So anyways, check out Montana Knife Company and then use the code ORDER OF MAN.

01:12:20.460 You'll save money when you do.

01:12:21.640 And then the only other thing I would say, guys, is we've got our Divorce Not Death course coming out in October.

01:12:27.320 And you can go to DivorceNotDeath.com and there's a quick video that you can watch.

01:12:32.660 I think it's five or six minutes, me explaining what the course is, who it's for, what it's about, how it will help.

01:12:38.620 And then you can drop your name and email address in.

01:12:41.340 We're going to start sending you some resources leading up to October 1st.

01:12:44.700 But when we drop that course and make it available, you'll have access to it.

01:12:49.120 The only other thing I'll say about that is as a member of the Iron Council,

01:12:53.520 that course and all future courses are included in your membership.

01:12:57.180 This is a paid course.

01:12:58.760 It's going to be very inexpensive because I really just want to get guys the help they need.

01:13:02.940 But there's some costs on my end.

01:13:04.240 That's why we have to charge for some other reasons.

01:13:07.080 But if you're a member of the Iron Council, that course, Divorce Not Death, is included in the price of your membership.

01:13:15.280 So DivorceNotDeath.com, check it out.

01:13:17.060 And to follow Mr. Mickler on X and Instagram, that's at Ryan Mickler.

01:13:21.060 All right, guys, great questions today.

01:13:22.960 Kip and I are always trying to give you valuable feedback.

01:13:25.580 We don't always get it right.

01:13:26.740 And me, probably more so than Kip.

01:13:29.560 I mean, me getting it wrong more so than you, I should say.

01:13:32.360 We're both getting it wrong.

01:13:33.320 I just want to clarify.

01:13:34.440 We're trying.

01:13:35.900 But we're trying.

01:13:36.820 Exactly.

01:13:37.360 We're trying to give you good information.

01:13:39.100 And we're open and receptive to new ideas and information.

01:13:42.900 Humbly, we're trying to share what we know and hope that it serves you,

01:13:46.240 that either you can do what we've done when it's successful

01:13:48.880 or avoid what we've done that makes us unsuccessful in some ways.

01:13:52.880 So appreciate you all.

01:13:54.360 All right, guys, we'll be back on Friday.

01:13:55.520 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:14:02.840 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:14:05.780 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?

01:14:09.780 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

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Order of Man - July 24, 2024

Lessons in Responsibility and Resilience ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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